I’m back.

I’m sure you’re all happy that I’m back. Oh, we missed you. Oh, it was such troubling times without you. I don’t know how I made it through each day without your particular brand of wit and thoughtful analysis. Oh… well, it didn’t seem like you all missed me. Even during a 9 hour drive from Jersey City, NJ to Columbus, OH, I found time to post a picture of Ally the alligator with the “Fair Queen of Wanting IT” Kristen Stewart. The initial response was pretty much a “fuck you” for simply posting anything. Thank you all. Thank you so much.

I’m back.

Who knows why? Bunch of good for nothing cock teasing keyboard warrioreses talking shit on me each weekday. Make us laugh. Fuck you for making us laugh. That’s my life. I even twitter a tiny fraction of my crazy weekend which includes Snooki from the Jersey Shore. Response? Fuck you, guy. Get out of here. That wasn’t exactly your response, but I can read between the lines. And yes, I did talk to Nicole aka Snooki from the Jersey Shore in Columbus, Ohio in the backstage warm-up area for that evening’s Arnold Classic which is the premiere body building event of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Sports Festival.

I’m back.

I’m not sure how best to explain the past four days of my life. I’m not sure I can explain it at all. I have a difficult time assigning something as the “greatest” anything or my “favorite” anything. I have never been good at listing my “top 5” of really any subject. But if I had to make a list of the craziest 4 days of my life and/or the funniest 4 days of my life these past 4 days would have to be #1 or tied for it. I was in pain from laughing and feel I need a vacation just to recover from all the laughing. I’m utterly exhausted from laughing. I also did not sleep much the entire weekend. At this point, I am a walking zombie in this normal world. The fact that I will not see at least 30 people who are as big or similarly as big as Kai Greene (pictured above) today will be very very very different than the past four days. Not only see, but interact with.

I’m back.

If you are unaware, I was in Columbus, Ohio for the 22nd annual “Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Expo Sports Festival Greatest Event Thing Ever And The Most American Experience Of All Time”. Sincerely, I’m not entirely sure what the name of the event was even now. Some people called it the “Arnold Fitness Expo” some called it a “sports festival” and some called it “the wildest fucking place on Earth from Thursday March 4th through Sunday March 7th”. The last one was from me and from anyone who had their eyes open seeing the insanity at the event. All I know was once you arrived, at any number of the facilities housing some of the events, your brain was overloaded with just the wildest visual information.

I’m back.

I will never be able to fully explain the ridiculousness that was happening at all times. At one point, I finally had a chance to sit on Friday late afternoon. I was seated in the press section of the WEC – World Extreme Cage-Fighting – weigh-ins for the following night’s MMA event. I was surrounded by thousands of people who are all taking pictures, video, live-blogging or just watching an enormous stage waiting for professional fighters to stand on a scale in their underwear to make sure they are with-in the proper weight limits for their particular fight. To my farthest right about 50 yards or so away were two boxing rings in which amateur boxers were fighting. Closer than that were rows of booths selling clothes, energy drinks, weight lifting equipment, food, supplements et cetera. Closer than that was the United States Army forcing people into having push-up contests, which I and Dawgz were a part of at some other time. Closer than that were more booths and half naked fitness models pushing the products on everyone. Then a stage where professional fighters were getting weighed in their underwear to roaring applause. Then to my left was a 70 foot rock wall people were climbing. Then more booths with enormous muscleheads then a half basketball court where random basketball competitions were taking place. And farthest to my left was over a 100 prepubescent girls in a serious gymnastics competition. And techno music was blasting. And thousands of the randomest people on Earth walking around. And this scene was all pretty tame and only took up about 20 minutes of my 4 days in Ohio.

It also was a scene from one big room that was in a much bigger building. Also in that building was ping pong, cheerleaders, fencing, power lifting, still life painting, and countless of other events. This was also one building of several buildings. The other buildings had motivational speaking, competitive figure skating, body building and so on and so on. It really is just too much to try and sum up.

I guess the big question is, “did I meet Arnold Schwarzenegger?” The answer is simple: no. I did get to take part in an Arnold question and answer session which was brilliant. He also walked by me, about 5 feet from me, with his ass ton of security and Sylvester Stallone. Yep, good ole’ Sly was around as well. What was he doing? The two of them were on their way to a buffet lunch with vendors from the event. But before the lunch, Arnold was critiquing the painting finalists from the “Art At The Arnold” with Sly’s help. No fucking joke. I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger before this weekend and now I love him so much it hurts knowing I won’t see him again for maybe ever.

He is an Austrian born professional body builder turned action star turned A-list leading actor turned Governor of California. And he has a full head of hair. He is the greatest.

I’m back.

I’ll try to throw in some Arnold Expo stories throughout the week or few weeks or rest of my life, but right now I’m burnt out. Plus who even knows what you all want me to write about nowadays. I’ll throw in some topical news, so this whole post won’t be about the bubble of muscular craziness that I was in for the past four days.

Oscars

I hate the Oscars. They are a wildly irrelevant awards show that takes it self way too seriously. If you stop and look at the past Oscars and look at what was nominated and won and what wasn’t nominated and what didn’t win then you will notice that they generally get these awards wrong. Iconic films have not only not won awards, but some weren’t nominated in general. It is sheer ridiculousness that people take these awards seriously. Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Life is Beautiful. Each one of those movies is a defining film in CINEMA history. Meanwhile, Shakespeare in Love is *shrugs*. A dime a dozen period piece that has almost no basis in history romance movie featuring a blonde who has destroyed her America’s sweetheart reputation and is wildly made fun of by all of the internet, the male lead is well who knows, Ben Affleck is one of the reoccurring main characters, and at best that movie is a chick-flick. Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Life is Beautiful are transcendent works of art. That is just one example how The Oscars are stupid.

The Oscars proved that they are stupid again on Sunday night. I watched a little in my meth lab motel room on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. First and foremost, were the Oscars puts together by Ikea or Pier 1? What the hell was the lampshade motif they had going? It was stupid. The lampshades were stupid. But it worked because the Oscars are stupid, so they made sense having stupid lampshades everywhere.

And the You Got Served dance sequence to the original scores of the nominated films was highly stupid. Whoever thought of that and whoever allowed it to be executed were all high off their stupid asses on peyote to think any of that was appropriate or made sense or was “art” or anything intelligent.

But Kristen Stewart did look great at the Oscars. So there was that. She wants it.

The Hurt Locker is a good movie. At best I would say The Hurt Locker is a very good. I would not say “great”. If “current Iraq war films” was a genre of films then The Hurt Locker is the best one. It is the best amongst a slew of terrible films that barely talk about the current Iraq war. As far as the “realism” of The Hurt Locker? I have never spent a second in Iraq, the military, a bomb suit et cetera, but I would take the gamble and guess that many IED guys don’t get dressed in civilian clothes, leave the military base at night and then go on vigilante missions. Also, I would imagine the idea that these three IED guys who have no supervision throughout any of the movie is a little farfetched as well.

I liked the movie. I thought the bomb dismantling scenes were intense. I think Jeremy Renner was compelling as his character. I liked seeing Guy Pearce and David Morse for the seconds they were in it. I like Anthony Mackie. I thought the story was simple and small and showed that Kathryn Bigelow can direct a serious flick which looks great with a cast of relative no name actors. I think next year Kathryn Bigelow should go on the list of women 60 years and older that I and other guys would bang. I think the “realism” in the movie stems from it not being flashy, everything is fairly slow moving, everything is pretty dire, everything is dirty and gritty, but at the same time the movie feels very unrealistic. I’m not saying that is a “bad” thing, but just something. Everyone keeps saying how “real” it is. I’m not so sure it is that “real”. Do many IED bomb dismantlers intercept a team of British Special Ops in the middle of random sand dunes and engage in sniper duels all day by themselves?

I’m glad it won over Avatar.

Bitch List

Well, that is hysterical. It seems like every women’s website and vagina haver on the internet has seen and put their two cents in about this “types of bitches” list. I’m taking you the commenters’ word for it that the list was discovered in a 3rd grade classroom in Washington D.C. Am I the only one who thinks that the girl from Precious wrote this list? Or a girl who looks wildly similar to her?

I think it is pretty obvious that a young black female wrote this. I feel like it was the work of one girl in particular and not a gaggle of girls. It reads extremely hostile obviously and of a singular mind. I think everyone at one time or another has hit a wall with human beings and feels the need to vent. In that moment of displeasure they just set a blaze every possible combination of personalities they are indeed tired of. The big mystery seems to be “what is on the missing page 4?” I would venture to guess that “90” is also not the last “type of bitch” this girl thought of.

My favorite number is “69) pajamas outside bitches”. That is fucking brilliant. That is a “bitches” that applies to all races of “bitches” and economic standing as well. Not that I’m against “pajamas outside bitches”, but it is something that has become common place in today’s society for whatever reason. I have noticed it as well. And it is nearly 2/3’s down the list which I feel like means she really sat there and thought about that one.

Henry Rollins has a great metaphor about writing and comparing it to flying an airplane. When you start writing and when an airplane takes off, they both burn a ton of fuel. It requires a large portion of fuel to be used to just get the plane up in the air. It requires a lot less fuel to keep the plane in the air. When you start writing it is a load of emotions coming out that just consumes space. But eventually you’ll get into the air and plateau. Once you plateau and are flying, the use of fuel is more efficient. It is more deliberate. There is a low percentage chance she went and wrote 90 “types of bitches” in one felt swoop. It took time. I would imagine there was great gaps in time between the deciding of certain “bitches”. Some came out in clumps*, but a lot of it was a complicated process of decisions and the analyzing of “bitches” she has seen in society. One of them was bitches who wear pajamas outside. And I have seen them too.

I’m back.

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