Natalie Portman’s Dad Might Be Crazier Than Yours

Micropenis.

Girls do not like to hear the word “micropenis”. Guys are not in love with it either, but I’m sure guys get a laugh out of it unless they’re talking about their own micropenis. But girls do not like the word micropenis. Is it the word “penis”? No. Girls don’t mind the word penis. I imagine when there are no penises around, girls probably say that word or a euphemism for that word quite a bit. Is it the word “micro”? Nah. If you told a girl you were a “microbiologist”, I’m sure you’ll keep that lass’ attention for at least a couple more minutes until you actually explain what a microbiologist does and then she’s all “borriiiiinnnggg”. Or at least that is the impression I get from every sitcom I’ve ever watched.

Anyway, micropenis is the first word on the lips of Marlow Stern, who writes for The Daily Beast, in article he wrote about Natalie Portman’s Dad’s novel. Yes, that Marlow… oh wait, who is he? Well, he provided this little non-bragging bio at the bottom of the article:

Marlow Stern works for The Daily Beast and has a master’s from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. He has served in the editorial department of Blender magazine, as an editor at Amplifier magazine, and, since 2007, editor of Manhattan Movie Magazine.

I guess they teach “snark” in the school of journalism at Columbia because this article is full of it.

Actually, I learned a lot from the bio because I thought “Marlow Stern” was a woman, but he’s a dude. Doesn’t change much. Just mentioning. I digress…

NATALIE PORTMAN!!!!

The gorgeous Natalie Portman has a father. His fatherly name is Dr. Avner Hershlag. That father is “One of the country’s most renowned reproductive specialists, the Yale-educated Hershlag is Director of the Donor Egg and Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, Director of Fertility Laboratories, and Medical Director of the In Vitro Fertilization Program at the Center for Human Reproduction in North Shore, Long Island” as the article notes.

The doctor also fancies himself a writer. He has finished his first novel entitled Misconception, which is of the creepy sounding genre “fertility-thriller”. No surprise it is a “fertility-thriller” considering the bolded sentence above. Either way, the book sounds a tad bit insane. Marlow Stern seemingly read the book and then gave a spoiler filled breakdown of the wilder moments of the book. Those will be in bold and my comments in the reg underneath them.

Let’s just say, Dr. Avner is one to tell a tale, a tall tale, a tall absurd and ridiculous tale. Here is the synopsis:

Dr. Hershlag’s debut novel is set in Washington D.C. and centers on Dr. Anya Krim, the fertility specialist for the President and his wife. She delivers a deformed baby with “ambiguous genitalia” who later goes missing and its mother is found dead. Krim then discovers Megan Tanner, a senator’s daughter who has been in a coma for two years, is also pregnant. Senator Tanner is the Majority Whip, and chairman of a senate committee overhearing a controversial Embryonic Stem Cell Bill in Congress. If Dr. Krim—a rape victim herself—didn’t have enough on her petri dish, the First Lady’s last-ditch effort to conceive goes haywire when her embryos are kidnapped from the lab.

And that’s only the beginning.

HOLY BATSHIT GHOST OF A DAN BROWN NOVEL!!!!! Where is Robert Langdon and his well toned body for a man of his age when you need him?! Damn it. He’s probably on a G5 flying at mach 8 over the Spanish mountains as the sun sets on another murder of an old acquaintance in a hidden library under the Barcelona soccer stadium. If that paragraph of a synopsis didn’t clue you in yet that this book is dealing with an out of control writer making everything more grandiose than a John Grisham/Michael Bay micropenis baby then you need to hold dearly tight to your computer chair because this is going to get ridiculous.

1. THE “ODDBALL” MICROPENIS CASE

Misconception’s prologue opens with a doctor inspecting the pubic region of a 12-year-old male patient. He first notes that the boy has no pubic hair. Then, the doctor takes “oddballs” (i.e. plastic balls) and measures them against the young boy’s testicles, noting that the boy’s balls are “size one.” (Pg. xiii) The doctor proceeds to measure the boy’s penis with a yardstick, noting that it is 1.5-inches long. He informs the boy and his doting mother that the child has “Fragile Y Syndrome,” meaning that his X chromosome is fine, but his Y chromosome is weak. In other words: “His penis and testicles will always be small” and he’ll grow up tall and skinny with “a micropenis and two microtesticles.” (Pg. xiii) The story then flashes forward 28 years—the boy has grown up to become Hugh Nicholson, the head of a cloning facility where he and his partner, Dr. Jeremy “Cody” Coddington, duplicate dogs for up to $100,000 apiece.

AM. I. RIGHT?! Fuck yeah, this book is amazing. What more could you want? A female character. Sure. But we’ll get to them and they’ve all been raped or something as the synopsis mentioned. Regardless, we have a micropenis paired with microtesticles, which may sound bad, but think of the alternative. Imagine having a penis so small that doctors for sheer professional conduct purposes have to refer to as scientifically “micro”. Then you have a pair of big old balls flapping around behind it? That doesn’t make sense. There needs to be some symmetry here. The Divine Creator doesn’t give you a tiny dick and big balls. He gives you tiny everything. Makes sense.

Oddballs. Love it. Didn’t know such a thing existed, but I’m into it. If you have a device called oddballs then you use it. I get that. But why use a yardstick on a boy with a micropenis? Is that just to insult him even further? Let’s get this out of the way, there is maybe a .001% of men who stack up well against a yardstick. I’m not even sure if that is true. A yard?! A yard is three fucking feet! THREE FEET OF PENIS?! Who the hell has three feet of penis? I have watched way more than a good deal of porn in my day and I have never stumbled across a man with a three foot penis in these videos. Yeah, there have been some dudes who have over a foot of penis, which is absolute insanity. It is insane. They are certainly a minority of a minority of a minority out there in the world. But even then you’re two feet shy of a yardstick. How about we just ditch the yardstick and get a classic foot long ruler?

So, the boy has a tiny penis and some tiny nuts, but does that stop him in life? FUCK NO! That mofo is cloning dogs! The boy with the smallest penis and ball set in the world has discovered perfect cloning like he is a damn alien from the future! Unreal. Un-fucking-real. I bet “Cody” his “partner” is just the looks with his normal penis and balls, but Hugh is the brains. Already, this book is too crazy for its own good and we’re just through the PROLOGUE! We’re in the xxxiiixixixi pages. Here come the actual numbered ones…

2. MYSTERIOIUSLY PREGNANT, COMATOSE “ANTONIO” LOVER

Megan Tanner is the coma-stricken teenage daughter of Wyoming Senator Nelson Tanner III—a scar-faced, Armani-clad Vietnam vet with a prosthetic leg. She lapsed into the coma after her pot-smoking prom date crashed his car into a tree and the Senator apparently disposed of the teenage driver. Megan has been in a coma for two years, yet she’s mysteriously 20 weeks pregnant. Dr. Krim assumes that her comatose patient has been raped in her sleep by a necrophiliac, which triggers memories of Krim’s own rape eight years prior. As the FBI investigates the case, Megan’s rests in her hospital quarters—a recreation of her own room at home, with “posters of Antonio Banderas, Antonio Sabato Jr., Sarah Chang, Tara Lipinski, and Maroon 5.” (Pg. 13) [Huh?]

First off, I support anyone who references America’s sweetheart Tara Lipinski. That girl won a gold medal for us! FOR US! Secondly, what? I’m glad the doctor “assumed” she was raped because I’m no doctor, but unless we’re saying coma patients can have consensual sex then she was raped or that “pot-smoking” prom date had time-release sperm. One or the other. The only other options are “miracle” aka “Jesus baby” or someone stuck her with a needle of sperm and got her preggers. I would imagine in vitro fertilization is more complicated then just quietly sticking someone with a syringe of splooge, but who knows? If it is more complicated than that then I would imagine someone would have noticed someone doing that to the coma patient of the well dressed, but one-legged Senator who also ditched a weed smelling body in the woods of Wyoming.

3. THE BLACK SWAN CONNECTION

At one point, Dr. Krim gets in a heated argument with her Lincoln University Hospital co-worker Dr. Feinberg, the chairman of the Center for Human Reproduction. Feinberg—Krim’s supposed nemesis—sports a glass eye because it’s rumored that “an angry resident who couldn’t tolerate his mockery had stabbed his left eye with a scalpel.” He wants to abort Megan’s unborn child via C-section, despite it being 20 weeks along. Krim fights Feinberg and refuses to give in, saying [out of nowhere], “I can see this little girl grow up, take ballet lessons, maybe even get really good, a prodigy of sorts.” Feinberg doesn’t want to hear about her possible principal dancer future, saying, “Terminate—or be terminated.” (Pgs. 78-79)

YES! The drama! Dr. Feinberg could very well be the biggest asshole of all time. I’ve had some asshole co-workers in my time, but never to the point that I or a different co-worker STABBED THEM IN THE EYE WITH A SCALPEL. That’s how big of an asshole Dr. Feinberg is. That isn’t necessarily a “death blow”. That is a “I want to cause you so much pain and I want to maim your entire existence on this planet if you survive this” blow. That’s a whole level of anger most will never achieve expect Dr. Feinberg did make them achieve it and it happened to them. That’s absolutely insane and he’s still risen to the role of “Chairman”. As for Dr. Krim’s flash forward? If I was standing there and having an objective opinion, I would have thought Krim just lost the argument with that nonsense. “maybe even get really good”? We’re going to keep the rape baby because there’s an off chance she’ll get “really good” at ballet. Ballet?! And who is forcing this child into ballet? Is that part of her social contract for existence. Hey kid, you want to live? Yes. You have to do ballet? But I hate ballet. I repeat, do you want to live? Yes, but doesn’t this seem weird and arbitrary. And Dr. Feinberg may have been in a Rambo movie with that “terminate – or be terminated” line. Wow. This book is GOLD!

4. FORGET VIAGRA: TRY AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION INJECTION!

The deformed baby Dr. Krim delivers has been cloned by Fragile Y Syndrome sufferer Hugh Nicholson, who intended the child to be the heir to an unnamed royal for $10 million. Nicholson has his partner Cody inject “three different medicines, which together erased muscle relaxation and increased blood flow to create an erection” into the shaft of his penis. (Pg. 40) This is just another day at the office for Cody and it is Nicholson’s effort to have sex with one of the five surrogates working for him. She apparently finds their sexual exploits pleasurable despite the fact that Nicholson has micro genitalia and major issues—we find out he is a bizarre megalomaniac. (Pg. 44)

A typical day at the office is jamming needles filled with mystery drugs into the minuscule penis of Hugh Nicholson? Do you get a 401k plan and health coverage because I think my resume is more than enough qualified for me to handle that responsibility. The second half of this story is really a condemnation of women as an entire gender. There’s some chick who is into this? Of course, there is! Why wouldn’t there be some micropenis hungry surrogate slut just waiting for one of those many injections to take hold in his infant dick so she can get to humping it. Makes all the sense in the fucking world! Oh and the first couple sentences made absolutely no impression on me because I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Next!

5. IF D.C. LOBBYIST LOOKS COULD KILL…

A sexy “lobbyist” named Destiny, who Nicholson uses to seduce politicians on Capitol Hill, attempts to bed Senator Tanner. The one-legged Vietnam vet is serving as chairman of the Senate committee overseeing the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill. “She undressed. Her fingers released the knot in his tie like a trained Girl Scout…Tanner sat on the bed, unhooked the below-knee prosthesis, placed it against the wall, and got under the covers.” Destiny says, “You’ve got to untense, Nelson. There are no Democrats in this room.” She then attempts to serve him a glass of Merlot, at which point, Nelson throws the drink on the floor, and, suspecting she’s a spy, screams, “Get dressed and evaporate.” (Pg. 54) Destiny later attempts to seduce a 70-something conservative senator in a hotel suite—also in an effort to get him to favor the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill. But after she undresses, the senator has a heart attack and drops dead. (Pg. 99)

DESTINY?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH this paragraph is amazing! I want to read a book about Destiny next! The misadventures of being a political prostitute. Soooo good. I’m not saying our political system is a well oiled machine, but I’m pretty sure it would come out that there is a lobbyist named “Destiny” and she is in fact a hot piece of ass sleeping with old right wing Senators. That would come out. There really isn’t much to cover up there, so I’m pretty sure people would hear about that. I love the Girl Scout knot untying bit because not only would a Girl Scout know how to untie a knot, but it also makes it laced with an air of pedophilia. Subtle. So subtle Dr. Avner. Lastly, she might be the worst whore in the existence of paid whores. We have two examples of her not only not securing any vote, but she also doesn’t sleep with either man. Also, who the hell drinks Merlot in bed when with a prostitute? That seems counterproductive.

I really think there could be a great sexy political slap stick comedy about Destiny. 

6. THE FIRST BABY A.K.A. “OPERATION EASTER”

The President and the First Lady are trying to have a baby, which the Secret Service codenamed “Operation Easter.” Despite several attempts at in vitro fertilization, the First Lady—a 42-year-old breast cancer survivor—has been unable to conceive. Dr. Krim has a brief moment of panic before the in vitro procedure: “In a moment, I’ll be sticking a needle in the vagina of the First Lady of the United States. Nothing is routine about this case. And everything is at stake!” (Pg. 91) The first couple’s embryos are later kidnapped from Dr. Krim’s lab.

*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*

Well done, Dr. Avner. Well fucking done. “Sticking a needle in the vagina of the First Lady of the United States”, who here hasn’t uttered or wanted to utter that phrase in their life? I know it is on my bucket list. And you think that’s something BOOM! the embryos are kidnapped from the lab. Boom fucking boom. You raised $250? I raise a MILLION DOLLARS!! That’s what Dr. Avner is saying in this book. What topic won’t he cover? Also, I would bet that supposed million dollars just mentioned that this fictional President completely ran on his wife being a breast cancer survivor. Sympathy vote!

7. BEWARE THE HUNKY BOYFRIEND’S “SNAKE”

After Dr. Krim is nearly killed by two chiseled thugs, one of which sports “an elaborate tattoo of a dragon” across his biceps, (Pg. 146) she goes home to her “hunky” boyfriend, Dr. Dario D’Acosta (who just happens to be Senator Tanner’s therapist). Battered and bruised, D’Acosta runs her bath and lights some fragrant candles. He then gives her an erotic massage, before kissing “her nipples democratically, one kiss for each,” and then taking her to the bedroom, where they embrace—sans clothing—in bed. “When she felt his hardness,” however, “the feelings evaporated.” Dr. Krim is painfully reminded of her rape eight years prior. “The python’s going to bite me!” she thinks and pleads for D’Acosta to stop. Her longtime partner, becomes a paragon of patience, saying, “I understand.” (Pg. 151)

Nothing is funny about rape unless the victim says “the python’s going to bite me”. That is just sheer absurd lunacy. Who the hell talks like that?! Also, this has two more connections for the Dan Brown fans – dragon tattoos and noting the chiseled physique and wonderful penis of a character in the book. Plus, I’m not sure Dr. D’Acosta is the best therapist if he thinks the best way to calm down a woman who was almost killed by two men and was also raped at one point in the past decade is to try and bang her. Just my non-doctoral guess.

8. SECRET IDENTITIES REVEALED

In a pair of twists reminiscent of an M. Night Shyamalan film, a DNA test on Megan’s baby reveals that Senator Tanner is the father of the his comatose daughter’s child. The President of the United States—a longtime friend of Tanner’s—orders Dr. Krim to abort the baby. Meanwhile, it’s revealed that the seductive lobbyist “Destiny” is actually Caroline, Dr. Krim’s trusted embryologist. (Pg. 177) Caroline betrays Dr. Krim, taking pictures of the presidential embryos and sending a ransom email with photos to the First Lady that reads: “Greetings from your embryos… for the time being, your children-to-be are safe and sound with me… In upcoming messages, I will inform you of the kind of actions you must take to bring your embryos home unharmed… Make enough stupid moves, and you can kiss motherhood good-bye.” (Pg. 181)

I honestly couldn’t have seen any of that coming. I haven’t known Senator Tanner for too long, but I’m hoping he didn’t rape his comatose daughter. I’m imagining someone in some sick fantasy stuck a needle in her vagina like they’re doing with everyone else in this book. As for “Destiny” being Caroline, well that was a shock because Caroline has yet to be mentioned thus far. There are three bullet points left and I have absolutely no clue what will happen nor why half of these characters are interacting with each other. Why was someone trying to kill Dr. Krim? Did I miss that? Why does Hugh have a micropenis and why is he even in this book at all?

9. THE DESTINY OF THE NOT-SO-SWEET CAROLINE

Dr. Krim is framed and arrested by the FBI for kidnapping the embryos. However, she’s bailed out of prison after an anonymous person pays her $1 million bond. Fresh out of jail, Dr. Krim receives an anonymous email to check the liquid nitrogen tanks back at her lab. In the third tank, she finds “a woman’s head floating in a pool of liquid nitrogen. It was detached from the body. It had no neck.” The woman is Destiny/Caroline! (Pg. 220)

WHAT?! HOLY SHIT!!! So much nonsense just happened! I have absolutely no fucking clue what is going on. Who would kill Destiny/Caroline? Are they the same people who tried to kill Dr. Krim before? And if they are why did they kill Caroline? And why did they want to kill either of them? And why was there even a bond set for a woman who was kidnapping embryos from the Presidential couple? I’m like 99% positive if you tried to kidnap and then ransom the embryos of the President of the United States of America then you wouldn’t get a chance to get out of prison or even live.

10. MOMMY DEAREST STRIKES

Gladys Tanner, the wife of Senator Tanner, turns out to be the one who had a clone of Megan placed in her uterus, in order to save her marriage to Senator Tanner, who loved his daughter dearly. Nicholson’s sympathetic associate, Cody—an old friend of Dr. Krim’s—clones the First Lady’s embryos before Nicholson forces him to get rid of the real ones. But the presidential SWAT team recovers the cloned embryos with barely enough time for Dr. Krim to inject them into the First Lady, who eventually finds herself pregnant.

What? Are they all in the same fucking room? Was Cody, Hugh, Dr. Krim, and the First Lady with her legs spread eagle all in one room with a “cloning machine” and a big needle about to get shit done? Then SWAT (why SWAT?) breaks in and gets all this stuff. But the First Lady is preggers anyway. How stupid? Back to the first sentence, so Gladys Tanner is the most well intentioned dumbest woman on the planet. Your daughter is in coma? Oh wait, I have an idea let’s stuff a clone of her inside her vagina and wait for it to pop out without anyone noticing and then you can raise this demon child daughter like nothing happened. Hey, Senator. You’re old and have one leg. Have you ever thought to yourself I want to raise another baby? No, you haven’t. Well here is one anyway. It’s a girl! Oh where did I get this baby? *whisper* It’s a clone of your daughter that I secretly have been cooking in the belly of your brain dead daughter, which isn’t weird at all. *whisper* Umm, it’s a friend’s who said they want you to raise it, which is random, but whatever. JUST RAISE IT AND BE HAPPY!

And for the FINALE!!!!

11. CONQUERING A FEAR OF SNAKES

With all the loose ends tied, Dr. Krim can finally make love to her remarkably patient boyfriend, Dr. D’Acosta, who has been by her side every step of the way. He “waited for her at his bedroom door, holding two glasses of wine. The only lights in the room came from scented candles he’d lit around the bed. A Chopin nocturne played in the background…” and then, the loving couple finally has sex, with Dr. Krim getting over her fear of erections once and for all. (Pgs. 270-271)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

First off, none of the loose ends are tied up because I don’t understand what any of this has to do with anything else. Who were the people who killed Caroline or tried to kill Dr. Krim? Why did we need to know any of the back story of Hugh Nicholson? The only thing we needed to know about him is that he knows how to clone things and then the rest of his story is completely unrelated to the plot. Also, there doesn’t seem to be any reason why Dr. Krim would get over a fear of erections nor is there any reason why she isn’t in jail. Wasn’t she just in a room cloning embryos and sticking them in the First Lady that SWAT had to barge into? Generally, people who are stopped by SWAT end up in jail. I feel like Marlow has left out quite a bit about this insane book that probably doesn’t explain itself any better than this article has attempted.

Best of all… the book is under 300 pages I’m guessing because this finale happens on 270-271. That’s a ton of nonsense happening in a short period of time.

Well done, Dr. Avner. Well done.

You took that idea of less is more and told it to go fuck itself with its micropenis and wrote a rambling mess of insanity that is about a third coherent as any Dan Brown book I’ve read. Good for you.

As for you Natalie…

I appreciate your beauty, sophistication and your sanity more than I ever have before.

Sidenote: if my Dad wrote a book, it would be about a Jewish New York Detective in the 70′s who is solving the city’s biggest murders that may also involve national security and in the mean time he would be a James Bond-esque Lothario and the Mets, Giants, and Knicks would all win their respective championships. Think John Shaft, but he’s Kosher.

Four Loko and Harry Potter: Great Combination or GREATEST Combination

Happy Motherfucking Monday!

If you know a mother who needs to get fucked then…

Well, fuck her? I don’t know. I need to rethink this motherfucking Monday. It sounds like I’m promoting something that may be legal in other countries, but not in the Americas(!).

How about…

Happy Motherfucking a Milf Monday!

That sounds better. It sounds more like it is your idea now. You have already put it into your brain piece that there is a mother in the world that you would like to fuck and today just happens to be the day that you will go tap dat. Right? As opposed to the idea of fucking a mother being thrust upon you like being motherfucked by this idea and you scrambling about to accomplish today’s specialness by grabbing some unexpected mother and giving her the most random day of at least this November.

So, happy Monday. I’m back. Already talking about fucking mothers, I see.

What did I do this weekend? How kind of you to ask? It is so delightful that you ask all the right questions that need to be asked when I need them to be asked so I can write this post exactly how I planned to write it. That last sentence certainly leads one to believe that I planned ahead of time this “Motherfucking a Milf Monday”. I wonder…

Two things are memorable from this weekend:

1. I drank Four Loko… again.

2. I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

One before 2:

Four Loko

Emma Watson – let’s drink Four Loko together and solve life’s mysteries.

Gifts are gifts are gifts. If someone gives you something then you must accept it. Including herpes and AIDS. Just like herpes and AIDS, Four Loko will make you regret all previous decisions that have lead you up to the point that the Four Loko is about to touch your lips. I did not drink much Four Loko this time around. I shared a can of Four Loko between 4 buddies. This means I drank 1/4th the serving size of a single can of Four Loko and we were still pretty fucked up.

The caffeine, alertness, jitteriness, shakiness and so forth is almost immediate and then sets in even more with every sip you take. It is an awful concoction. It is the dirtiest drunk ever. It is just science and chemicals ruining your body in the purest most potent way. If Four Loko was found in nature then it would be declared poisonous to humanity. The bright color of both the can and drink inside is reminiscent of the bright colors found on the more poisonous frogs and plants in the wild. DON’T TOUCH THESE THINGS… YOU WILL DIE FROM TOUCHING THEM! And that is Four Loko.

It is so bad that it is exciting to drink. It is like deciding to put yourself threw hell for a few hours because it might be fun and certainly is very different than what it is like living life sober. I really cannot wait until this shit is made illegal and I will not have to see it again. Sadly, my friends and I do find crazy things exciting and that means someone buys some of it and then we all feel like we have to drink some.

Nevertheless, before Four Loko’s reign of terror ends. I pray to God there is a string of videos of celebrities and comedians drinking Four Loko and showing the side effects. I would LOVE that.

If Justin Bieber drank Four Loko… he would die.

If George Lopez drank Four Loko… he may actually be funny.

If Kristen Stewart drank Four Loko… you know how Jean Grey goes nuts and become an unstoppable supreme being goddess the Phoenix – well that would happen.

If Chuck Norris drank Four Loko… nothing different. Chuck Norris is immune to all.

I was thinking about what would happen if the Jersey Shore cast drank Four Loko, but I think that is what Ronnie is making in the blender. His Ron Ron juice is Four Loko or at least a sister version of it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part I

I saw it.

I kept thinking of Jonah Hill’s line in Funny People while watching the movie:

“Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. Harry’s getting old. He’s, like, older than my dad. They should call him Harold Potter. That Hermione’s got some big, old tit-ties.”

Here is my ****spoiler free**** review:

It was good. The movie looks great. David Yates has done a great job ushering in this second half of the series of movies as far as looks go. The movie does feel epic. The movie itself is just well made as the others have been. I enjoyed the movie and didn’t dislike it as a whole. Truthfully, I thought this was the weakest of the movies since the original. I really can’t imagine re-watching this movie ever. I have re-watched the others, minus the first, several times and even really like some of the movies like the third movie. I’ve seen the third a bunch of times. And the second half of the fourth is great as well. But I really can’t imagine wanting to sit through this again. It wasn’t bad and I was never bored and I found it enjoyable, but at the same time I really didn’t love it.

I’m still looking forward to Part 2 of the longest movie title ever. I’m guessing that is where they have hidden away all the action scenes. Whoops, spoiler! There are really no action scenes in this movie. I’m pretty sure we all knew that already.

Anyway… so here are my ****SPOILER**** related thoughts. I will say that my thoughts really aren’t too ****SPOILER**** related if you have read the books or couldn’t give a flying fuck because I don’t think I’m going to “spoil” anything. Anyway… ****SPOILERS!****:

*****

****

***

**

*

Is it safe?

This movie was the most British movie ever. It was so fucking British. It was so British that I should have been given a cup of tea, had to kiss the ring of the Queen of England, refer to cops as “bobbies”, thought/think Oasis is the greatest band ever, play cricket, and all that stuff. Oh man, it was so British. It was so British that I should have rooted for a soccer team that is a perennial favorite and instead embarrassed themselves on an international stage as opposed to cheering for a team that endeared themselves to all the nations of the world through their spirit and will to win.

Ugh, it was so BRITISH. It was the most English, British, United Kingdomish thing ever. I’ve never watched the other Harry Potter’s and thought, “Man, could this get anymore British?” until this past Saturday. All the mellow drama, all the effeminate flair, all the sniveling. What the hell happened?

The first Harry Potter movie was like a Disney’s made-for-TV-movie. It’s budget appeared to be pretty minimal and it was insanely kiddish. Not the Kiddish, but “kid-d-ish” aka kid-like. Is that what “kiddish” is? Or is it translating the Kiddish for me? Whatever. I felt like a pedophile the entire time I watched the first Harry Potter. I don’t know what is on the Disney channel, but watching its after school programming was like watching the first Harry Potter to me. But I sat through it because everyone told me that at some point it gets more adult.

The adultness reached its soap opera peak in this movie. I have never read any of these books and I really don’t want to. Also, I’m a little tired of hearing people parade around that they read the Harry Potter books as if that was a greater task to read those books than any other series of books that were then turned into movies. I get it. You read them. The movies are different. It happens! Nevertheless, I’m grading the movies on the movies, not what happened or could have happened in the annals of Potter.

The Horcruxes are good movie kryptonite.

Holy fuck. Who cares about these damn horcruxes? I don’t. This is hands down the least interesting storyline in this movie series. What was once a movie series dedicated to kids learning magic and fighting evil wizards, has now turned into a glorified Easter egg hunt. Oh man, just find them you stupid kids. I hate the horcruxes! I hate them! Fight someone you stupid kids! Ugh, and the horcruxes are lame as shit!

A fucking locket? That’s what I’m supposed to be afraid of? A locket. I hate that locket. I hate that 2 hours of this film is dedicated to a stupid locket. And this whole locket nonsense couldn’t be a bigger ripoff of Lord of the Rings. So when one wears the “locket” they start thinking bad shit and get all sleepy eyed and turn on their friends? Wonder where I have seen that. But, why the fuck do they need to wear the locket?!!!! Answer me that you nosy kids.

In the movie, there is no explanation on literally why they have to wear the locket. At all. Keep it in your pocket you brats. But Hermione, that sweet beautiful and smart piece of ass, does suggest that they take turns wearing the locket because she notices Harry gets all emo when he wears it for too long. Great idea, Hermione! Literally, that is the best idea ever. She is so beautiful and talented and logical and I bet her hair smells like a spicy vanilla and I bet that when she smiles puppies are born. But there is a problem. Just like the brilliance that was the “No Child Left Behind” act, there was never the proper funding for it. So, Hermione suggests they take turns wearing the locket and instead of doing that they just dump it on Ron. Then Ron gets crazy emo, like he is the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional emo and thinks that Harry is trying to steal Hermione from him. Of course, this is false. But instead of taking the locket off and waiting 20 minutes to become level headed – he decides to just storm off and make an ass out of himself.

These are what my dreams look like^^^^ including the creeps in the masks.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT!

Ron leaves, leaving Harry and Hermione together. And what happens immediately after he leaves – HARRY TRIES TO STEAL HERMIONE FROM HIM! Harry does this by being the bestest gay bffffff ever by turning on his old transistor radio to a Nick Cave song and then dancing gayly with her in the tent. SO BRITISH! AHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THAT MADE THIS MOVIE SO BRITISH!?!

Fuck you, Harry Potter. Your boy, Ron, decides to wear a locket for no reason and he “wrongly” thinks you are going to steal his girl, but in fact you are trying to steal his girl. Also, you’re fucking the dude’s sister! I hate Harry Potter. What a piece of shit this kid is. He is this weak willed, emo, “tart” who is off sleeping with his best friend’s barely pubescent younger sister and he is trying to steal that same best friend’s girlfriend. What the eff? Fuck this kid. The only thing keeping me from becoming 100% pro Voldemort is him not having a nose… oh and Hermione.

Also, every plan that is conceived of in this movie fails… FAILS… immediately. Hey, let’s dress up Harry as a woman or a few women and we’ll all go in separate directions and FAIL. They hatch a lot of schemes in this movie and none of them work. It was like Deep Impact the non-porn one. Every time, they thought of a new plan to destroy that asteroid headed for Earth it never worked. And in the end, everyone dies and Elijah Wood out runs a Tsunami wave on a dirt bike.

Also, Also, all the racism of the muggle and magic user stuff was just off putting more than anything. We get it – you are bad guys. You want to take over the world with your evilness. You don’t have to be racist as well. That’s just un-needed. Wanting to take over the world? Sure. I get that. Wanting to kill Harry Potter? Sure. I get that. That kid is fucking annoying nowadays. But getting all uppity about blood purity and so forth? Just uncalled for. Maybe they don’t need a wizard duel as much as they need a Civil Rights march.

Oh man, now I am really thinking about the beginning of the movie. SO BRITISH! Snape in his cape and robes flying in and with a dramatic flick of his wrist he turns the gate into black smoke so he can walk through and then it turns back. Oh my, how fantabulous. Then these evil racist kid killers are in fact dignified enough to have a little government structure and table and they are nominated for tasks and are voted on those nominations. A mini-evil Parliament with Prime Minister Voldemort. BRITISH!

Lastly, isn’t “Deathly Hallows” a little much for a wand, stone and a cape? How about Harry Potter and the Magical Chotchkies. That sounds better.

****SPOILERS OVER****

So, I did like the movie, but wasn’t too into it. They really are setting up the last one to be an all out action movie and I hope it is because there is no action in this movie. When I decide to spend 2 and half hours watching kids do magic tricks and instead I get a BBC soap opera – I feel a little disappointed.

Harry Potter and Hollyoaks is more like it. AM I RIGHT?

But, wow… Emma Watson folks.

I’m surprised Ron even gives a fuck about this wizard bullshit. I would just take Hermione far away from all of that and just be happy. Why risk your life for glasses over there when you already have the hot chick? Not really sure what he’s doing. I mean Han Solo still had to go and get Princess Leia. Hermione is already there. Right? Anyway… priorities I suppose.

Dawgz & I’s Excellent Adventure to Bollywood

Movies rock.

They do. I pride myself on knowing movies. I watch movies, a lot of movies, different types of movies, ones that I know I won’t even like. I simply love movies. Because of this I have a subscription to Netflix. In all honesty, I started this journey with Netflix because of a bad movie: The Crow: City of Angels. I didn’t see this awful and first sequel to The Crow when it came out years upon years ago in the theaters. But for whatever reason, one day in college I had this desire to see it. I really just wanted to see how bad it truly was. But Blockbuster didn’t carry it, rightly so. This led me to a problem, would I have to track down a copy of this movie on ebay and purchase it fully knowing that I would not like it? Thankfully, while doing just that I saw an advertisement for Netflix on the internet. Twenty minutes later, I was signed up for Netflix and have been ever since.

Why am I mentioning all this? Well, Netflix has a feature on its website that changed my life the other night. This feature? “Local Favorites”. I live in Jersey City, which is heavily populated by Indian people nowadays. Indian people from India. As in the sub-continent. This means all of my “local favorites” are all Bollywood movies. Like actual Bollywood movies. Not this Slumdog Millionaire bullshit. Not a British director with a bunch of British actors who are ethnically Indian. I’m talking about REAL Bollywood. Like the Bollywood you only hear about on the internet. The internet! So, I decided it was about time I watch a real Bollywood movie and not just random Youtube clips.

First thing first, Bollywood movies are fucking LONG. Real long. Like “that’s what she said” long. Like Reds long. Like “what are you up to tomorrow because I’m unemployed and I’m going to watch a Bollywood movie and being unemployed means I can only accomplish one task a day before I get sleepy and take naps on the couch” long. I am on Netflix and just going through the first four movies listed: 122, 132, 181 and 172. Minutes! Not Pesos! One hundred and eighty one minutes! One hundred and seventy two minutes! I’ll let you in on a secret – none of these movies have “teenage” vampires in them. 145… 212!… 153 and 192! Those are next four films’ runtimes! People in India change their mailing address to the movie theater when they go see Bollywood.

So, I chose a “shorter” Bollywood movie at 135 minutes long called Dhoom 2: Back in Action. Yeah, that’s right Dhoom 2. It’s the sequel to whatever the hell Dhoom is. But why did I pick this movie? Well, it is fairly recent at 2006, it isn’t 3 hours long, it is an action film and the movie poster looks like THIS!

DHOOM! Fucking fuck yeah! How could this movie be bad? Spoiler alert – it is bad. Like fucking awful bad. So bad that the movie comes full circle and is amazing. I don’t know what your immediate reaction to this poster is, but you can bet your sweet ass that this movie is WILD! There is fire on the poster. There is two smoking hot chicks on the poster. And the guys … and the three guys on the poster… what words can be invented right now to describe what I’m seeing with these three gentlemen? Fan-tabulo-amaze-balls!

Now, let’s talk about this movie BECAUSE IT IS EPIC! Also, let’s talk about it because that is what today’s post is completely about. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that there is no movie being made, has been made, or ever will be made (unless by me) in America like this movie. Imagine the sheer insanity of Transformers 2, the emotional depth of Step Up, the engaging dialogue of a typical Hills episode re-written by someone who is actually illiterate and all of this is schizophrenically cut with pop music and dance sequences that would make Beyonce drool.

Enough foreplay, let’s get into it*.

Actually, a little more foreplay. Up under the shirt, just down the pants and hands everywhere. Before the movie starts, there is an advertisement saying that this movie is sponsored by Pepe Jeans. This movie has got to be good. How many movies do you know that are sponsored by jeans? Also, I watched this movie (like you should) on Netflix “Watch Instantly” and I can’t get the pause icons to disappear, so just deal with it. Foreplay is almost over.

FUCKING BOOM! DHOOM! Is that a man dressed as an elderly woman? Is that elderly woman who is actually a man supposed to be the Queen of England? The QUEEN OF ENGLAND!?! Yes! Yes it is. DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! This glorious movie starts in the middle of the desert in India where the Queen of England is taking a train ride and on this train, besides the Queen of England being played by a man, is the Queen’s crown, which is worth millions. She/he/she/he warns her/his crack security team that someone could try to steal the crown and that person could attack the train from the sky. And… he/she/he/she/he/he/he/he is completely fucking right.

DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! Literally “out of nowhere” a helicopter shows up, a guy jumps out of said helicopter and majestically lands on the roof of the train via his gay pride “no more prop 8″ parachute. And then this happens:

DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! Oh my Jebus! What in the beautiful holy hell of glossy tan skin is going on here? But before your brain even has the chance to fire that message off between its synapses – this happens!

DHOOM! FUCKING DHOOM! Oh my lord this may be my favorite movie of all time and we’re not even 5 minutes into it. Seriously, this is tremendous. Why is every movie not exactly like this? A man playing the Queen of England? The Queen of England takes train rides through an uninhabitable desert? Who was flying that helicopter? Why doesn’t every character in every movie look like this guy with this many hero shots in a row?

This review will be a billion words if I keep going at this pace. Let me fast forward to about… oh maybe two minutes later.

YES! He is surfing on sand now.

Amazing! Why is he still skitching on the train with this guy firing the shotgun at him? Who knows? What the hell is going on? I have no idea. The long and short of it, the amazing looking dude got dressed up like the Queen of England, snuck on to the train, stole the crown, fought the security guards on the roof of the train using his snow/sandboard as his weapon against their guns, jumps off the train to ride along the train on the sandboard, somehow propels himself back onto the train and knocking out the guy with the shotgun, and then jumps off the train again and rides it to safety.

DHOOM! The above paragraph definitely makes zero sense and, at the same time, it is exactly what happens in the movie… in the first 7 minutes! SEVEN minutes. Look at the screen capture: 7 minutes. Already this movie has blown past any line of decency or sanity and we are just getting to the opening credits. Also, this is when Dawgz and I and the viewers of the world are treated to one amazing fact – the movie only gets crazier.

DHOOM!

DHOOM!

DHOOM!

I give up! I relent! I cannot take it anymore!

The opening credits is the first of many musical sequences. The featured entertainment in this routine is our ambiguous, cross dressing, incredibly ripped, greasy haired, thief, sandboarding, martial artist… hero? Villain? Mute? He hasn’t said a word of dialogue, but he is now singing. Yeah, singing! And what pray tell is this song about? DHOOM! The opening credits is a song and dance number about the movie you are actually watching. How great is that? That is more self-centered than Bad Company writing a song called “Bad Company” and having an album called Bad Company. The song “Bad Company” isn’t about how great the band Bad Company is. But that is exactly what this DHOOM song is about.

This is just the start of the self reflection in this movie. The DHOOM I keep saying is exactly what the movie does. When something stupendous happens or some big reveal is, well, revealed they actually say DHOOM in the background. Like “Damn! Can you believe this movie? DHOOM!” Who does that? What other movie has the balls to do that? None. No matter how great The Godfather gets, they never just go GODFATHER after a great scene. Can you imagine after Sonny Corleone is shot (a million times) and killed, someone shouted GODFATHER? That would be the illest. “You can’t handle the truth!” A FEW GOOD MEN! “I’ll have what she’s having.” WHEN HARRY MET SALLY! “Stupid is as stupid does.” FORREST GUMP! FORREST GUMP, MOTHERFUCKERS! DHOOM!

So, what happens after the opening credits? What happens at minute 8 of this 135 minute movie? What happens is exactly what you expect – more completely ridiculous things that make absolutely no sense and are highly entertaining because your brain doesn’t know how to comprehend any of it leaving you in this flashy color high of the wildest Indians from India. The next scene starts on a riverboat on a jungle river with a bunch of gangster looking Indians when a guy on a motorcycle dressed as an audience member at a Village People concert flies out of the jungle trees and lands on top of the river boat.

DHOOM! Seriously, that is what happens. It takes so much to explain the unexplainable that is going on in this movie. Quickly, I’ll say that this Indian man, who may or may not be auditioning for The Jersey Shore, turns out to be a cop(!) and is trying to do a drug bust sting on the guys on the riverboat. He is a bumbling fool of a character and messes up the drug bust. He pleads for back-up to help him… when… this… HAPPENS -

DHOOM!

DHOOM!

YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IS HAPPENING! This man in jeans, a t-shirt and a black suit jacket with red piping was hiding underneath the jungle river water on a jet ski and some how by the power of Moses propels himself out of the water and high into the air and onto the effing boat! DHOOM! Who on Earth would actually think this is acceptable to be filmed? Michael Bay’s imagination is infantile in comparison to this. I won’t lie to you, there may be 60 foot tall alien shape-shifters battling to death with laser guns on a planet in an unknown universe that will one day land on our planet to continue their war disguised as large automobiles. That COULD happen. What CAN’T happen, is a guy on a jet ski hiding under water for minutes to only fly out of the water on the jet ski so high he clears a riverboat. And, he actually does it twice. He flies over the first time and draws his pistol and shoots and kills the bad guys on the boat. He lands on the other side, shoots and kills more bad guys who are on another boat, turns around and jumps up again with the jet ski and this time he lands on the damn roof of the boat. D-H-O-O-M!

And who is this man of unimaginable power that have no place in everyday life?

DHOOM! Look at this dude’s hair. It is everything. He is combining every style from pompadour to faux hawk to Donald Trump’s whatever to spun black gold. This man with the hair and beard is also nicknamed “Mr. Long Legs”. I’m just saying, what more do you want? He and the muscle shirt are cops. Apparently, they are the main characters from the last movie too. The storyline of the movie can be boiled down to these two guys trying to catch the sandsurfing thief dancer singer guy. But wait… who is this?

DHOOM

DHOOM

DHOOM!

Damn it, she’s hot. Take a guess at what this flawless creature does? She’s a cop. Of-fucking-course. I’ve met so many cops that look and dress like this. I’m always strolling up to my car getting a parking ticket with an exotic supermodel in an undershirt and tight jeans writing it. Didn’t you know all lady cops in Jersey City are former Miss World competitors? This perfect looking woman is the new detective brought in to assist with the thief guy from before. She’s been tracking him. His name is Mr. A. Turns out that “Mr. Long Legs” and her have a bit of a “history” together. Problem is, “Mr. Long Legs” is stupid married with a stupid pregnant wife. But they still have feelings for each other. How do I know this?

DHOOM!

DHOOM! The second song and dance number is all about it. I’m not sure what you are all thinking right now. I’m not sure if you are thinking at all anymore because this is all blowing up your damn minds. But I am really only scratching the surface of what is really going on. I mean, I’m saying it is a song and dance number. You can somewhat imagine the absurdity of the dancing because of screenshots like the above and like this…

DHOOM! But, the singing? What are they singing? Oh, you did not just ask this question. Do you feel a DHOOM coming on? Because I do. Here is a lyric from this particular song:

“If my heart loses its self control, there will be no end to the rock and roll.”

DHOOM! DHOOM! DHOOM!

DHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT TO SHOUT THIS FROM A MOUNTAIN TOP FOR ALL THE WOMEN OF THE UNIVERSE TO HEAR! Oh man! Damn it! DAMN IT! I am glad women are the majority of the readers of this site because I just want to know one thing – how badly do you want “Mr. Long Legs’” heart to lose its self control and give you an endless amount of his rock and roll? I mean are you freaking out at your desks or on the bus or where ever you’re reading this? Have you already ran to a private place to rewrite that Diddle Diary with “Mr. Long Legs” and his rock and roll? Or could you not contain yourself and you’re just going at it right there in public in front of people? DHOOM!

Just for your information that song lyric does rhyme and it rhymes in English, but is sung in Hindi. I don’t know how that works, but it does. This is another mystery of Bollywood or at least DHOOM – half of the dialogue is spoken in English and half is spoken in Hindi. And it isn’t every other sentence, but sometimes just certain words or just the second half of a sentence to seemingly emphasize it. I cannot explain that nor do I think the filmmakers can either. But it is crazy and fucks with your mind. Why don’t they just do the whole film in English? Why don’t they just do the whole movie in Hindi? Choose one!

Whew, I’m exhausted. I need to skip ahead. Mr. A plans to steal some sword at a castle that is special for some reason. The three cops – biceps, rock and roll* and hottest woman ever – are there trying to stop Mr. A. They do a horrendous job of that and not only does Mr. A get to the sword, but so does some other thief.

Mr. A and ski mask have a showdown for who gets the sword. Ski mask nabs it and runs, but ski mask almost gets caught by the cops when…

Mr. A flies up the castle wall (yes, dressed in a Kato mask), kicks the chick cop over the wall, grabs ski mask, jumps off the castle wall in a reverse swan dive and some how repels to safety with ski mask in tow. Yeah, that happened. Mr. A and ski mask get to a safe place where Mr. A confronts ski mask about who ski mask be and ski mask be…

DHOOM! With a DHOOM perfect face and just so happens has this attached as her body…

DHOOM!

By the way, if you recognize this goddess it would not be too surprising. She is Aishwarya Rai aka seen by many as the most beautiful woman in the world. So that happens. The thief turns out to be the most beautiful woman in the world part 2. I don’t think cop “most beautiful woman in the world” is any less attractive than thief “most beautiful woman in the world”, but who knows? My brain has officially melted from DHOOM and it is really just getting under way.

After ski mask reveals that she is geometrically perfect, there is a song and dance sequence between her and Mr. A. The chorus of that song is “Sexy ladies on the floor, keep you coming back for more.” Not as brilliant as the other, but it’s not bad. Once that ends, hot chick runs out of the dance club they are singing together at. She runs out to the street where it is raining. And she runs past a basketball court where this happens…

DHOOM! Are you fucking kidding me!?! That is Mr. A dressed as the gayest Latin gangster ever. Why? I don’t know. Why is he playing basketball in the rain? I don’t know! How did he transform himself into this disguise that quickly? I don’t know! Do they even play basketball in India? I DON’T KNOW!

So, Bollywood doesn’t have any kissing or sex in their movies because they are too prude for that, but not prude to have guys on jet skis hide under jungle rivers fly out and attack riverboats shooting guns killing people. So, instead of having a sexy little romp between these two, they play BASKETBALL IN THE RAIN against each other. Take a guess if supermodel Aishwarya Rai or Hispanic Backstreet Boy can play basketball in real life? Judging by the scene, they have never heard of basketball until the moment they filmed that scene… in the rain.

I’m past the 3000 words mark and I’m only an HOUR into the movie. One hour! 60 minutes of 135! So, I literally need to skip a ton. Sincerely, you need to watch this movie because there is so much I’m leaving out. But…

They fly to Brazil (yes, you read that right) and Mr. A is still dressed that way for some reason. They plan to steal something there.

The cops fly there too. Instead of that being the hot cop, it is actually the hot cop’s identical twin sister who happens to live in Brazil. The hot cop doesn’t make the trip because Mr. A somehow broke her leg when he kicked her in the arm back at the castle – no joke. She stays in India, but thankfully she has that identical twin sister who lives in the exact city in Brazil (a country of 180 million people) where Mr. A is planning on committing his next thievery.

So many things happen like Mr. A and the hot chick falling in love, it turns out she knows “Mr. Long Legs” (who doesn’t), the other cop without the sleeves falls in love with the identical twin sister, songs and dancing and just a lot. I really don’t want to ruin any of the second HOUR and 15 MINUTES of the movie because you should really see and hear all of this with your own unworthy eyes/ears. But I need to show you just a few more pictures.

DHOOM! It’s like Heat! The good guy and the charismatic bad guy sharing a drink together and they know each other is the enemy! How dramatic!?! I love it. This is, of-fucking-course, followed by a dance sequence.

DHOOM

DHOOM

DHOOM!

I’m really at a loss for words. Some how kissing in public in this culture is seen as obscene, but everything that is happening above is seen as Kool and the Gang. They are a wild 1+ billion people.

I don’t know if I can watch another Bollywood movie outside of Dhoom 2. I cannot imagine any of them are as absurd. This movie, so I’ve read, is one of their biggest blockbusters, so most are not nearly as ridiculous. This was their big romance movie putting two of their biggest stars Aishwarya Rai and Hrirthik Roshan together, plus it is their big Mission: Impossible meets Bad Boys 2 blow’em up action spectacular.

I believe I will watch DHOOM again. I almost did watch it again taking these pictures. The movie is so engagingly horrendous that you need to watch it all. None of it makes any sense. It follows in the footsteps of truly terrible action movies like Max Payne, The Spirit or Gamer as far as a storyline that have zero intelligible qualities. But where as those movies think they’re dark and provoking and disturbed, they’re just plain fucking stupid. Dhoom is stupid, but it is fun. It is light-hearted, flashy, brightly colored and has more singing and dancing than an episode of Glee.

So, needless to say, you need to watch Dhoom 2 im-fucking-mediately. It is all the brash cheesiness, yet oddly unflinchingly seriousness of an American 80′s movie being tongue kissed by a Hype Williams music video being molested by an episode of Miami Vice, which is dry-humping a gaggle of gorgeous Indians.

In other words, Dhoom 2 wants IT. Bad. DHOOM!

I’m spent.

If You Only See One Movie This Year… Then You Are An Idiot – Go See More Movies

My brain is fuzzy. Not like a light coating of hair, but just out of focus. I’m still adjusting to waking up early and driving to work again. Going to sleep early and not staying up so late I fall asleep on my couch. Being at work is another task altogether. Wearing a suit instead of sweatpants. I’m groggy. My current state: groggy. My emoticon: groggy. I need an emoticon that has not a frown, but the lack of strength to keep his lips straight so gravity pulls them down. Also my eyes are half closed with the perpetual raised left eye brow as if questioning everything my stare drifts to.

It’s not writer’s block I’m feeling. I don’t think I’ve addressed Ms. Kristen Stewart’s teaser trailer for The Runaways. I will put that off until tomorrow. Give me something to “look forward to”. Unless someone suggests a different topic. And not this bullshit like “do a post about Rob!” Christ, I’ve written about him. He’s mentioned in a ton of posts. Maybe I shouldn’t take suggestions from you all. The last time that I did was the Taylor Lautner post. All though it did receive a lot of comments it was all over the place with odd disapproval. Some of you wanted me to cut him to pieces with edges of clever negative adjectives and others wanted me to prepare a metaphorical bubble bath, scented candles and post bath rubdown for him. All weird.

But any reaction is better than no reaction so I guess suggestions are fine. Suggestions with pictures attached as payment are better.

There is one thing that has been gnawing at me recently and it is the movie Leap Year. I’m sure you have all seen the trailers for it. If not then here is a link. I’ll wait.

Ok, I didn’t rewatch the trailer right then. I’m hoping you watched it once or remember watching it some other point. Either way, I’m not going to call them by any character names, but by their actual names because I know those. So we have the lovely Amy Adams as our protagonist. Matthew Goode and Adam Scott play her brunette love interests. I really like Amy Adams. I wish she was in movies I could watch though. I like Adam, I am meh on Matthew and I hate the idea of this movie.

Gathering from the trailer and the TV spots that appear on every TV station I watch, Amy and Adam are an item. They are a couple. They are boyfriend and girlfriend. They are more than friends. We assume they kiss and sticks things into each other that is only appropriate in private, in public if you’re a slut or to be videotaped and then put on the internet for everyone in the universe to see including aliens – the green kind and Mexican alike.

As a male suitor, Adam seems better than average. He’s a good looking guy, he is dressed in a suit which I guess means he has money and a job. Amy and Adam are out to dinner and Adam presents Amy with a jewelry box. Like any typical romantic comedy female protagonist, Amy is expecting marriage around every corner. She thinks that an engagement ring is inside the box. Instead there are simply two expensive ass conflict diamond earrings.

Adam is a big asshole, amirite? Way to go dick. Oh you spent a fortune on your girlfriend for no apparent reason. But it wasn’t exactly what she wanted so you’ve got a big question mark on you right now. I don’t know who you are anymore. You may not be boyfriend material anymore. This whole relationship is in question even though you seem like a perfectly affable fellow and bought your girlfriend really expensive earrings as a token of seemingly your “affection”.

Adam mentions that he has to go to Ireland for business. He isn’t leaving for a year or anything. It seems like he is leaving for a week or maybe two weeks. He’s not moving for a decade or starting a long distance relationship. Adam is just going to Ireland because his job asked him to. He’ll be back. The diamond earring buying handsome boyfriend will be back in tops 14 days. Is that reasonable? Yes. Is Amy Adams reasonable? No.

Instead, Amy Adams digs up some old relic fairy tale about women proposing to their boyfriends on February 29^th “Leap Day” of a “Leap Year” hence the title of the movie “Stupid Bullshit” … errr Leap Year. Being the completely irrational, uptight, “quirky”, love starved, not ground in any form of reality romantic – Amy flies to Ireland!

Once arriving in Ireland, her plan falls to pieces because she is a completely ridiculous crazed woman who has no concrete plans and some bad weather hits causing everything to be a disaster. Amy stumbles into a bar and, of course, the only man in town who can drive her is Matthew Goode. I have a hundred problems with this scenario – here are just a couple:

1. Only guy seemingly of relative age anywhere to Amy Adams. How do towns like this exist? How is there a town that is purely comprised of drunk old men and maybe their drunk old women wives and then one attractive guy in his 30s? That’s it. The whole town is a refuse for the ugly and old and then Matthew Goode is their bar tender. In every other movie like that, he would be a child of a prophecy that uses the town’s golden sword to slay some ghost in a cave who has kept these people under it’s spell for all these years. I guess in this scenario, Matthew Goode is still the prophetic child, but he is using his own golden sword to slay the ghost of monogamous sex in Amy Adams’ “cave”. Her vagina. I’m talking about Matthew Goode’s penis is a “golden” or “relative skin tone color to the rest of his body” “sword” and the “slaying of the cave ghost” is him having vaginal intercourse with Amy Adams destroying the faithful relationship she had built with Adam.

2. Bartenders are never that helpful and if they are then something is wrong. I’ve been to some bars in my days. I’ve met some good bartenders. I’ve met bartenders who actually follow the implied rule of tipping that they buy you a round after you have bought 3 or 4. I have met bartenders who have reopened the kitchen in the bar when it was closed to make food for us the drunken bar patrons. I’ve met bartenders who will call you a cab. I’ve never met a bartender who BECOMES the cab. That’s ridiculous. I can understand a bartender saying “yeah, I’ll take you somewhere” and then it is back to his place for some flesh colored sword penis ghost vagina cave slaying. I get that. Oh, I get that. But no bartender is willing to become the traveling cab driver for some chick out of the goodness of his heart to take her from town to town through the Irish countryside to meet her boyfriend so she can propose to him.

2a. He is a fucking bartender! Glorified beer bottle opener and drink pourer! Come on! He’s not Mother Theresa. She’s dead. And he’s not a she unless that is the third act twist or Mother Theresa was a he and is not dead and is Matthew Goode which is also implausible. Or you believe in reincarnation like a hippie and Mother Theresa’s dead soul came back and dropkicked Matthew Goode’s current soul at the time out of his body and now she has taken over Matthew Goode’s body. Which is just unlikely I think. Why would Mother Theresa pick Matthew Goode in particular?

2b. Any bartender willing to take you from their bar by car and drive you to another town more or less for the hell of it- SERIAL KILLER! You’re dead, lady! You’re a dead lady! He’s going to kill you!

Ok, so Amy Adams and Matthew Goode are now together. Matthew Goode is this grimy, blue collar, rough around the edges (which I know you all want to sand paper down with yo booties), but good looking bearded guy. He is the complete opposite of Adam because of this beard. But at the same time he is “perfect” right? He is so cute with his crass humor that he uses to build a wall around himself never to let anyone in even someone as adorable and sweet as Amy Adams. Awwww… He’s just a big puppy who has taken shelter in a drunk old folk’s community in Ireland because he was probably hurt by some bitch temptress and he just needs a quirky good natured and completely irrational woman who is willing to cheat on her supposed future fiance to help him rediscover love again. Awwww.

So, they’re traveling around Ireland together in his shit car. Trying to find good ole’ Adam. Ireland’s not that big of a country so the time Matthew and Amy are together has to be a few days to a week at best. And if it is a week then what the fuck? Where the hell did Adam’s job send him for work? Of course, Matthew’s “charm” starts to rub off* on Amy. And they end up hooking up.

The final clip in the trailer is Amy and Matthew and Adam are altogether in a room. Adam is down on one knee proposing to Amy and seemingly Matthew is about to propose to Amy as well. Yuck.

Can you fucking believe this shit?

First, Adam was going to propose to Amy after all. So, all the idiocy of Amy Adams’ character is for naught because Adam was going to marry her. So all that conspiracy theorizing was wrong. You’re wrong, Amy Adams! Adam is a good man!

Second, I wish I was there for that moment if this was at all a real moment and not some fictional bad romantic comedy. I would step in right before Adam proposes –

KSWI Jordan (J) – Adam, can I call you Adam?

Adam (A) – Sure. I guess so. Who are you?

J – I may be the guy who saves you from a whole lot of future heart ache, but does give you some heart ache right now is who I am. Adam, this is your girlfriend Amy, right? I’m too assume you think everything is perfectly fine in your relationship with Amy, right? And so fine in fact that you were planning on proposing to her to be your future wife, right?

A – Yes. Yes that is right. Did you say “heart ache”? What “heart-

J –  I’ll get to that. Adam, can you see that bearded gentlemen of comparable age and aesthetic value to yourself over there?

A – Yes. The one who looks a little depressed and almost has tears in his eyes. Yes, I see him. I have never seen that bearded and slightly dirty yet attractive man before in my life.

J – Right. His name is Matthew. Your girl, Amy, fucked Matthew. Or at least they half fucked or quarter fucked. I’m not the best with calculating fractions, reciprocals et al, but they either had sex or came close enough to it that you would be real real real pissed.

A – Is this that “heart ache” you were talking about? Because I’m feeling some heart ache right now.

J – Yeah, this is that “heart ache”. But trust me I’m hear to help. Let me just reiterate what is going on. You, Adam, went to Ireland for a business trip. In doing so, you left your girlfriend for a day by herself. In that day, your crazy girlfriend decided to follow you. Stalker shit aside, in the following day after that she met Matthew. In the couple days after that, she has hooked up with Matthew. And right now, she thinks she is deciding between marrying you or marrying Matthew.  

A – I feel ill. I feel like my insides are a mob of South American revolutionaries trying to commit a coup de tat on the rest of my intestinal tract.

J – Maybe not even marrying Matthew. Maybe just “giving it a go”. Maybe it’s just a “don’t marry that guy so you and I can try out if this works in a dating situation” type of thing. Maybe it’s a “don’t marry that guy so we can try out a casual relationship with sex involved” type of thing.

A – I think I’m going to throw up.

J – So this is what I’m saying. However long you’ve been together with Amy has all been put into question in her mind with about one week of time she has spent with Matthew. All the time, the money, the sex, the presents, the holidays, the family shit, all that was about as concrete to Amy as the past couple days she has spent in the Irish countryside with bearded Matthew over here.

A – *throwing up*

J – Amy is very good looking. I’ll give her that. But you turned your back on her for a minute and she is already doing some other guy and questioning everything she knows about you and the supposed future she at one time thought you two would have together. So my advice to you, Adam, is to find someone else that you can trust. Amy is not trustworthy. Not trustworthy at all. I’m sure with your relative youth, good looks, money, and ability to make a committed monogamous relationship in the eyes of the Lord that you will find another woman comparable to Amy if not much better. Ok?

A – *cleans himself up from the vomit* Fuck you, Amy. He’s right, I’m out. I’m going to find a better chick. Peace. *Adam exits*

J – Matthew, have you been paying attention?

Matthew (M) – I have.

J – I would say you have 1 of 2 options. 1. You can take Amy. Adam has completely left this equation and you can freely take Amy. You can take her, but you will only be the “new Adam”. You too will need to question Amy’s loyalty every time you leave her side for more than a second because she has a wandering eye.

M – Ewww gross. How did I not notice-

J – Not a literal “wandering eye”. She doesn’t have a “lazy eye”. I mean in a journey that she decided to take to propose marriage to her long term boyfriend she ended up sleeping with another man. That’s the type of wandering eye I mean. You need to watch your back. Unless you decide to stay with Amy all the time, day and night, to make sure she doesn’t meet some other guy. Because it didn’t take too much this time. This time she left a successful attractive man who she had been with for seemingly awhile for some muddy going nowhere in life, but handsome bartender. Next time it could be a below average pig farmer.

M – What’s my second option?

J – Leave now. Leave Amy behind and go find another chick. I would suggest you move first. Unless you dig old broads like your great grandmother old. Move to New York City where you can use your looks and Irish brogue to easily seduce at least 80% of girls at any bar who have had at least a drink in them. You’re not in Taye Diggs corollary territory, but you are up there. Or you could go to Hollywood and be horribly miscast in arguably my favorite piece of literature of all time in the movie rendition which was “eh” and never should have been made.

M – I think I’ll go to New York City then.

J – Good choice. Leave Watchmen alone.

M – *runs as fast as his lily white Irish legs can take him*

J – Hey there, Amy Adams. So Red, I hear you’re single. Want to go for a drink?

So, I hate Leap Year. Amy Adams is hot. She was great in Junebug. I haven’t seen Leap Year. But I’m guessing it is terrible. These are generalizations I’m making from the trailer. I doubt I’m too far off base though. Either way, I’m seeing Youth in Revolt this weekend.

You Are Ruining My Christmas Vacation – Part II

I don’t know which I’m more hungover from: the food or the booze from last night. Obviously the booze, but the food is not helping anyone right now. I feel like my stomach is trying to digest an economy sized rental car. And the booze is perfectly marinating the food with my stomach acid. As arbitrary as “last Monday Night Football game of the year/season/decade” sounds – it really is that arbitrary. Nevertheless, Dawgz and I treated it as a national holiday. Thankfully, I did not have work today because I would have missed it. There is no way I would have been able to get up at 7am. I was still real drunk well into 4am, so 7 wasn’t happening. I’m amazed that before noon happened, but there was so much guilt knocking at my door. He needed a ride. That’s what she said.

Brett Favre did not lose that football game last night. His offensive line, Adrian Peterson, and the Vikings defense lost that game. Peterson obviously lost it by losing the ball which was turned into the game ending points.

But I digress…

I saw some movies last week outside of Avatar. I saw (500) Days of Summer, Sherlock Holmes and Up In The Air. These three films are quite the rarity nowadays. They share one thing in common that nearly every other movie that has been made recently does not share. There are no vampires in these movies. That’s right, NO VAMPIRES!

No day walking vampires. No shimmering vampires. No high school vampires. No assistants to vampires. No government vampires. No TV drama vampires. NO VAMPIRES AT ALL!

It is very surprising to watch a new movie and find no vampires in them, since nearly every other movie has a vampire or some form of blood sucking undead monster. Because of all these vampires infiltrating all the movies I watch, have watched and will watch – I’ve become accustomed to thinking “when is the vampire going to show up?” I fully expect at any and all points any number of main characters could become or have been previously a VAMPIRE.

Naturally I think most people are constantly guessing in their head what the end of the movie will be as they are watching the movie. You are actively trying to figure out the puzzle before you. And with that, I am deducing who is a vampire in all movies no matter what. So, here are my reviews for the three mentioned movies, who I was expecting to be a vampire and how that would affect the movie. Today I’m going to just talk about (500) Days of Summer to drag out this idea for another day.

(500) Days of Summer

Really enjoyed this one. It is a great romantic/comedy for this indie rock generation I am vintage handcuffed to. The movie itself is a visual feast. Marc Webb I think is the director. He was a music video director and he brings that style to the movie. The story is simple and not even fully detailed, but Webb does an excellent job selling you this movie with clever sequences and a great soundtrack.

Zooey Deschanel continues to be the Prom Queen of the Indie Rock filmfile. She is brazenly cute and adorable with enough sex and danger mixed in. Webb did a great job color coding this movie blue to highlight Zooey’s blue eyes and they are mesmerizing.

As for Joseph Gordon Levitt, I didn’t like him too much before this movie, but I like him now. Another movie that was actively sold to the indie kids was Brick. I did not like Brick. I did not like it one bit. The rest of JoGoLe or JosGorLev’s recent dramatic acting I have not cared for. I really was beginning to wonder greatly about why this kid was in this many movies. He was inching his way towards Shia LaBeouf status in both saturation and me hating him. He’s great in this movie though. JosGorLev is really quite great as a leading man in this movie.

So I see the debate of who should play Ben from my “unreleased unfinished greatest novel ever” has stalled on the guy from Chuck. Not a bad choice I suppose. I don’t recall anything I’ve seen of his outside of Chuck. I’m not sure how much I see him being a darker, depraved character who could carry scenes that involve him killing people and then other scenes where he is trying to jerk off in his office’s public bathroom during work. One person who has recently peeked my interest is… you guessed it… JosGorLev.

JosGorLev is also Leonardo DiCaprio’s right hand man in Inception by Christopher Nolan. If Nolan likes him then I like him. That’s how I feel about Nolan. I think Levitt could pull off both types of scenes and looks like a guy who is an office drone who wants something more. My main problem right now with Joseph Gordon Levitt is that he is not tall enough. I’m sure he feels the same way. He is an undersized man. I don’t know how well that would translate in the office Fight Club style tournaments in the book.

As for the vampires?

At all points, I was expecting Zooey Deschanel was a vampire. That’s the big twist. The movie begins saying it is not a romance story where they end up together. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and he is forced to kill her for the good of the Los Angeles community! Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and joins her! This is not a love story because it is a VAMPIRE STORY. Maybe Joseph just breaks up with Zooey because she is a vampire and he can’t date vampires. That’s a rather blah one. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire when she murders all of the needless side characters in this movie! Yes! Kill them! KILL ESPECIALLY THIS ONE -

KILL THIS MAN! Not only in the movie, but in real life as well. GET HIM VAMPIRE ZOOEY! GET HIM WHILE HE SLEEPS! Do you know why? Do you know who this man is? Do you know what he is tied to in holy matrimony?

THIS! THIS AND THAT! ARE TOGETHER!?! AHHHHHHHH

seriously…

Seriously…

Seriously!..

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!

I’m too hung over to deal with this. It is disturbing enough sober. It makes me so angry.

Something about Ebert & Roeper, their thumbs and their butts – Part II

Part I was yesterday, Part II today. Real complicated shit.

The Slammin’ Salmon

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38972

Dear Broken Lizard,

I am a fan of yours. I have bought in. I have drank the Kool-Aid. I have smoked what you have been selling. I have inhaled your airborne pathogens through my nasal cavity (Cavities? Is the term referring to the actual skull hole or the fleshy holes separated by cartilage? I have two nostrils like most, but I am pretty sure it is just one big hole in your skull. Plus I have a deviated septum so I’m probably only breathing in air through one of these fleshy holes anyway. Yep, I’m your internet dream boat alright). Long story very weird, I have seen all your previous works of non-fiction (Super Troopers, Club Dread and Beerfest were all documentaries, right?). I enjoy each one of them thoroughly. I have watched and rewatched each one several times. I have a great deal of anxiety that this The Slammin’ Salmon will suck. There are some parts in the trailer that make me smile and even at times giggle, but for the most part it don’t look good. I really hope that I am wrong about this. Typically trailers for comedies ruin many comedies by showing their best scenes, but Beerfest’s best scene aka “The ZJ scene” was not in the trailer. I pray nightly that there is a scene with relative hilarity as “The ZJ scene” in this movie. Please do not let me or your country down.

I am giving this trailer 2 Kristen Stewarts wants IT heads. The second head is mostly because of all the laughs and fond memories I have of Broken Lizard’s previous movies. I refer to that second head as “nostalgic head”. Not to be confused with “head” you are nostalgic about.   

Crazy Heart

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=46933

Jeff Bridges has quite a varied career with several brilliant movies intertwined in the madness. So has Jeff Daniels. Both men live equally schizophrenic careers of random ass movies with an insanely memorable performance every few years. They have an inexplicable bond of syllables and first names that regardless of whether you ever confuse the two (which don’t lie you have) you will always think of the other when one is mentioned. You know what movie was good? The Big Lebowski. That was a good movie. Jeff Daniels was great in The Squid and the Whale. What? We’re talking about Jeff Bridges. I know, but I just had this urge that I couldn’t stop to mention Jeff Daniels like I was some crazed tourette’s kid howling during the middle of Social Studies class. Weird. This odd occurrence is referred to as the “Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman paradigm”.

This movie looks like it will be pretty good even with the seemingly predictable love storyline. Jeff Bridges is perfect to play a washed up country singer. He looks like a cowboy bar playing country singer so why not make a movie about it. It doesn’t look like it will be nearly as dark as I would want it to be, but I think Bridges will do a good job and make this a more than a watchable film.

I’ll give 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads to this trailer and hope the romancing of Maggie G’s character is a minimum with Jeff Bridges getting whisky drunk at a maximum.

Avatar

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=13245

I’ve talked about this movie already several times I believe. So I’ll jump straight to the decapitated Kristen Stewart heads review.

If/when I see this movie in 3D, I think it will kick so much ass I’ll forget for a moment that I’m wearing the dorkiest fucking plastic disposable 3D glasses to make these blue apes come to life.

Without the 3D, the movie will be good. The action looks pretty badass, but it won’t live up to the hype. I play videogames! I’ve seen this before. It will be fun and colorful and stuff will be blowing up all the time. It might be cool enough to make me forget that this movie has been hyped up for 5 years as being the movie that will change action movies forever, but it won’t. Actually the recent TV spots say that this movie will change how we watch movies forever, which I guess means those stupid glasses. I remember playing Ridge Racer for Sega Genesis with those red square and blue square glasses. The “technology” has gotten better, but you’re still wearing shit glasses aka stupid glasses (not glasses made of shit). So I don’t know what it is changing.

If you haven’t noticed watching movies and talking about them is an insanely large portion of my life, so changing the way I watch movies forever would be a life changing experience for me. I’ll like Avatar, but it won’t change my life.

Fight Club changed my life. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly changed my life. Enter the Dragon changed my life. The Crow changed my life. Swingers changed my life. Rushmore changed my life. No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan changed my life. I can name a lot of movies that “changed my life”.

Avatar won’t. But I’ll like it anyway.

Did You Hear About The Morgans?

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=49705

Ugh. I would literally kill myself if I had to see this movie. KILL MYSELF! If someone tricked me into seeing this movie – they buy tickets before hand for this movie and another movie that are both starting at a similar approximate time and they get me to walk into the theater with a blind fold on somehow so I don’t see the scrolling electronic marquee thingy…. – I would kill myself in the theater. I would fashion a gun out of popcorn, straws, milk duds and a GUN(!) and I blow a hole through my fucking head and paint my brains all over the stupid people who paid to see this movie because I would rather die than see this fucking movie. Ok? My review…

It gets a special 4 bullet through the brain Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I’m sorry I had to do this to Kristen Stewart’s angelic wanting it head, but seriously that movie looks awful.

Nine

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=22220

This movie should be huge. I’m hoping it is huge. I like the cast a lot. Daniel Day-Lewis is the man and we all know it. The chicks are all smoking hot in this movie. Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Fergie, and Dame Judi Dench. What? You think Fergie is hot!?! You know what ladies, I’ve had enough of this bitches hatin’ bitches questioning who is or isn’t hot. I’ve seen some pictures of her where her face doesn’t look the best, but she has a phenomenal body always. Fergie is hot. Oh yeah, I said Dame Judi Dench as well, didn’t I? Yeah, that was a joke. I am not attracted to Dame Judi Dench, but I can’t stop myself from writing or saying “Dame Judi Dench”. It’s a drug and I can’t stop my addiction! DAME JUDI DENCH! Also, “Ghost f at One Time Hottest Woman in Hollywood Christmas Past” Sophia Loren is in the movie too.

This movie will be good. I didn’t like Chicago, but I’ll like this. I made a joke the other day calling Nine the “white Dreamgirls”. I thought that was clever and I was proud of myself for that. Heads?

I’ll give this 3 heads. I’m sure I’ll find one or two of the songs a little annoying and there will not be enough of Penelope Cruz naked for my liking either. So I’ll be a little depressed afterwards. But that joke about this being the “white Dreamgirls”

That gets 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads.

The Young Victoria

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=23004

Oh my! How romantic! So much romance. So much romance for everyone. Their clothes? Romantic. The setting? Romantic. The acting? Romantic. The story? Romantic. I feel like a young lady being asked to dance at a ball with a lovely waltz playing and we kick up our heals and dance and dance and the music swells! And it is just so romantic… … … … … … I’m not seeing this movie. Queen Victoria reigned as the Queen of England and Ireland for 64 years! If that wasn’t enough, she was also the First Empress of India from 1876 onward until her death in 1901. And we’re watching a movie about some summer fling she had back in the dizzay? Fair enough. I understand these movies are not for historical importance and are instead for period piece romance importance, but if I have to remind you I am a guy.

I’ll generously give this movie 2 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie visually is pretty stunning so I have to give credit to that. Also Emily Blunt is hot. I was pretty late to the Emily Blunt is hot party. I didn’t see The Devil Wears Prada until it was on HBO. I didn’t think she looked all that hot in the trailers for the movie or at least I was more focused on Anne Hathaway because I already thought she was hot before that movie came out. Nevertheless, I joined the Emily Blunt is hot party with bells on when I saw her in Charlie Wilson’s War. She was only in it for a minute (fortunate rhyme), but she is near nekkid in that one minute and she looks fucking great. I won’t say what happened when I saw The Devil Wears Prada because it will only cause you high pitch squeals of hate instead of love.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44803

Obviously this looks terrible to me. I want to take a drill gun to my brain ala Pie (the Darren Aronofsky movie. I’m not going to search through ‘wingdings’ to find the damn 3.14 symbol) when I see trailers for kid’s movies like this. I’m not going to give this any heads because the movie was clearly not made for me nor my opinion. But I do need to mention that I’m freaked out by the implied sex in this movie.

In this “Squeakuel” the Chipmunks attend high school. WHAT THE FUCK!?! I know, I know. For a minute, let us pretend that that makes any logical sense whatsoever. People have accepted that chipmunks are talking English and communicating with high school students on a similar intellectual level. I will accept this, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept the bestiality idea that Alvin is hitting on the high school chicks and they are seemingly flirting back. That is getting a little fucking crazy. It appears that the writers at some point realized that Alvin cannot have a human female love interest. Avatar won’t change my life, but if I saw Alvin fucking a high school girl that would change my life and maybe end it. I feel the writers came to the same conclusion and decided to add more chipmunks and this time they are female. This does simplify things that Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are not crossing species sexual lines, but instead are just fucking chipmunks. I think I may have just talked myself into seeing this movie now. Chipmunk sex. Who knew?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38969

Psyched. I’m fucking psyched. It is sad and all that Heath Ledger died because he was a father and seemingly a good guy and all that. I never met the guy and probably never would have. His acting on the other hand did affect my life. I see a lot of you in the comments section weren’t big fans of Brokeback Mountain. SHAME ON YOU! That movie was great. Really great. Excellent, even. The movie is shot amazingly, the movie was acted amazingly, Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams get topless in the movie and their breasts look amazingly. As for the gay sex? It was one scene and it lasted like 20 seconds at best. The movie was more of a focus on the lonely life of a cowboy and even more lonely life when you are “different” than the others around you. Anyway, it’s a good movie and better acted then any other romantic garbage I see. And seriously, when Heath Ledger visits Jake Gyllenhaal’s house at the end of the movie when he is dead and goes up to his room and smells his shirt…. Tears. I’m comfortable saying it. I’m really comfortable saying it. That was a great scene.

Of course, Heath followed up that with The Dark Knight. If I could explain how much I love The Dark Knight in a sentence it would be: If/when I have children in this life, I may love The Dark Knight more than them. I’m just saying that is a possibility. Even if they were great kids who become millionaires and Nobel Peace Prize winners and so on. I still might love The Dark Knight more than them.

Heath was really hitting his stride in acting. He was finding roles that he could shine in and even more so there seems to be so many roles that he would have been amazing for. He did not get a chance to film all of his scenes in this movie, but I bet the ones he did he is great in. The rest of his scenes, he was replaced by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law. At the very least, this movie is wildly handsome. Also, Terry Gilliam is a great director so I’m psyched.

Definitely 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. There is a joke in here somewhere about “forehead”. I went to school with a guy who remarked that he got “four head” which sounds like “forehead”. He meant he got “head” four times, but it sounded like the girl rubbed his junk all over her forehead. Whatever gets you off, buddy. Cheers.

It’s Complicated

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=47769

So Meryl Streep, hunh? The older she gets the more guys she is sleeping with in movies. The last flick, Mamma Mia, she was banging 3 guys. Right? That’s what that movie/play is about? Streep is doing so many guys she doesn’t know which one is the pappa of her kiddies. I didn’t see it. In this movie Streep is banging Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Why not? So she did downsize from a foursome to an average threesome. That is pragmatism right there. I think you can thank the Obama administration for that. For Meryl Streep wanting less dick, amirite!?! I have no clue what I’m talking about here. I really don’t want to review this movie either. I don’t want to see it. I’ll probably end up seeing it hungover one morning when it is on TNT or TBS either way Ted Turner is to blame. That’s how I saw Something’s Gotta Give. Just laying around on the couch in the fetal position because some hard liquor ran me over like a freight train and I need some comfort in my life like Jack Nicholson doing Diane Keaton. I guess I’m saying that when I’m hungover and verging on the edge of death I’m finally cool with watching senior citizens grope each other like their 16 year olds with some light commercial humor mixed in.

I’ll give it 1.5 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I like Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep so that is 1 head. There shouldn’t be any singing in it so that is a .5. The rest of the stars were deducted because a lot of the movie seems to be about Alec Baldwin having sex with Streep and his young new wife and that means I will imagine old Alec Baldwin rigorously pounding away, out of breath, but not stopping until he busts a nut or dies of a heart attack. Making Massapequa proud, STRONG ISLAND!

Sherlock Holmes

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=45650

Fuck this movie. Fuck Robert Downey, Jr.

That was to get someone’s attention. I don’t take kindly to people telling me what to do. Unless money is involved.

I love Sherlock Holmes (the character/books). I love Guy Ritchie. I like the cast. But I think I’m going to be disappointed with this movie. More than anything this movie seems like Ritchie and Downey making a new Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Trade in pirates and the high seas for muggy weather, ‘gents and England(!). It looks a little too commercial action/adventurery for me to really love it. Nevertheless it looks fun and it will be enjoyable. I wish it was dark and more like the books, but what can you do? At least it isn’t Swept Away. Also Rachel McAdams is smoking hot. Someone did mention already the lingerie and that does look great.

I will see this in the theaters and I am excited to see it, but from all the early reviews and from the trailers I’ve seen I don’t think I am at all wrong in assuming this is anymore than what I said previously in this paragraph like 4 sentences ago about the Pirates of the Caribbean. I am not a fan of those movies. I thought the first one was pretty fun when I was watching it in the theaters. Afterwards, I thought it was pretty meh. The second one I like a lot more. The action was better and made a ton more sense. Why are the skeleton’s in the first one even blocking any of the bullets or swords? They’re immortal! They should walk every human down and then choke them to death with their hands. No need for fancy sword play. The third was horrendous.  

I’ll give this 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie will entertain, but I will want more. More from Guy Ritchie. More of Rachel McAdams in lingerie or less.

And finally…

A Single Man

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50095

I left this movie last on purpose. All the other movies should be in chronological order of their release dates here in AMERICA(!). I intentionally left this to the end because I wanted to beg you, implore you, request you to watch this trailer. If you don’t watch any of the trailers for any of the other movies then you are lazy, but I am fine with it. You must watch this trailer though. Some might say then I should have put this trailer first, but I would be running the risk of you giving up on the rest of these posts if that were the case. This trailer in a word:

 

INTRIGUING

 

This trailer is the most fucking intriguing trailer I have ever watched ever. The music, the style, the switching between fantastical to reality, the sexiness, the tension, the INTRIGUE! Oh my Jesus is it intriguing! Oh my Moses and Abraham! It is like eating a 9 layer cake of intriguing. It is a thick gravy of intriguing soaking up in your potatoes, turkey, stuffing and biscuits and with every bite you get more intriguing. If Kristen Stewart’s want was “intriguing” instead of “want” then this movie would be Kristen Stewart. Think about that. Isn’t that intriguing!?!

I was intrigued so much watching this movie I felt like I was tunneling downward under a mountain of intriguing. With every handful of intriguing I shoveled away from the Earth I was getting closer to the intriguing, but also the intriguing was covering me. I had intriguing under my fingernails and intriguing on my legs and arms. I wipe the sweat from my brow from all this digging and I would leave smear marks of intriguing on my face. Soon I have broken through all this intriguing and I crawl inside this tunnel I have made inside this mountain of intriguing. I am now enveloped by the intriguing. I thought I couldn’t be anymore intrigued. At that point, I felt like I have had my fill and should leave this intriguing. And then…

Colin Firth is staring at the blonde kid like he wants to do his mouth and I’M INTRIGUED AGAIN! What in the fuck is this movie about!?! I have no idea, but I’m thoroughly intrigued!

I have to give this movie 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads for how intrigued I am by it. At the same time, I honestly think there is a 50/50 shot at me not liking the movie. How on Earth could it possibly live up to how intriguing the trailer is? Either way, the trailer worked and now I want to see it. Or I just want to watch the trailer over and over and over again.

Thanks for reading……

I hope this helps…..

I’m fading….

3400+ words…

I’m tired..

Kristen Stewart wants it.