It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time! … Again

Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.

What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?

A – Age?

B – Beauty?

C – Order I would have sex with them?

D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?

E – All, but A?

THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.

Um, hello? This is Kristen Stewart from Adventureland. I think the guy from KSWI is broken. Broken? Well, he’s posting the same post again. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. No. Nooooo. I wouldn’t do that a second time. No. Yes, on a horse. No in public. Ok. Thank you. Yes, I still want IT.

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!!!

Yeah, that’s a picture of a groundhog with a machine guy and a belt of ammo. I thought in an effort to celebrate Groundhog Day, I would write about the same celebrities I wrote about today, but obviously about different topics about them than I covered yesterday.

Also, I found that groundhog picture by typing into Google “groundhog motherfucker”. Among those pictures that populated was this…

I love this picture. This is Tookie Williams and he co-founded the national gang the Crips. Not many people on Earth have ever achieved a level of badassness that Tookie achieved in this picture and even fewer have ever exceeded it. I’m not exactly sure why a man this badass needed a gang considering he looks like a one man army in this picture, but I bet it must’ve been difficult getting dudes to not want to follow him like soldiers. Pretty much if you see a man riding on the back of a lion then you follow that man because he figured shit out.

Anyway…

This is Kristen Stewart’s reaction to the supposed storyline of the new Snow White movie. Ehhhhhh… let’s not and just say we did:

Disney’s live-action version of their famous Snow White has found a writer in Toy Story 3′s Michael Arndt and an intriguing set-up for the retelling: this version will take place in 19th Century China with the title Snow and the Seven.

Uhhhhhh…. Errrrrr….. Ummmmm….. puhhhh-lease…. Nooooooo.

19th Century China? That is “intriguing” because it is 100% random. Why 19th Century China? Why not I guess. Why not 14th Century South Africa? Why not the Paleolithic Period of Mesopotamia?

I was going to make a joke about “why not the Appalachian Trail?” and then I started thinking that might be exactly the place where this movie should take place. I want a meth head series of seven dwarfs in busted trailers. Snow White is actually an affluent Connecticut raised college Sophomore going to a Jesuit School also in the North East who is a member of Project Appalachia. And the villain is her plastic surgery having day drinking step-mother.

It is Clueless meets The Wild and Wonderful Whites.

The news arrives courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter, who say that the story involves an Englishwoman attending her father’s funeral in Hong Kong who then becomes targeted by her evil stepmother. In this version, the dwarves will be replaced with a “a rogue band of seven international warriors.”

Christ! Can’t a dwarf catch a break in this world?! Talk about a kick to the nuts of 7 legally dwarf actors trying to make it into Hollywood. I imagine the dwarf actors of the world were fucking PSYCHED to hear there was going to be a Snow White remake with some hot piece of tail playing Snow White. I mean they got royally screwed by Peter Jackson in all these Lord of the Rings movies. Sure, they are good enough to be used for the wide shots, but lord knows those stand-ins are not getting paid Elijah Wood money. Elijah Wood and Dominic Cooper wouldn’t start on 3rd grade traveling basketball team in Vietnam, but they’re not dwarf short.

Englishwoman? Just give the role to Emily Blunt or whatever already. I don’t want to hear Kristen doing an English accent.

Francis Lawrence (I Am Legend, Constantine) is still attached to direct and Natalie Portman has, apparently, expressed interest in starring, though her casting may now be complicated by the actress’ pregnancy.

I have NOTHING bad to say about Natalie Portman ever, but could she stick to playing Americans. I think it is funny that she is stealing British roles from British actresses like British actors are stealing American roles from American actors, but I like Natalie as Natalie and not Mary Poppins Natalie. Also, if Francis Lawrence is directing this movie plus the “rogue band of international warriors” line means this movie is going to be a horribly constructed action movie.

If we really wanted to get serious for a minute…

Selena Gomez as Snow White. Justin Bieber as the Prince. The two of them having a kiss on screen and duet-ing their way through the dialogue would legitimately sell ONE BILLION tickets.

Also, Justin Bieber could play all seven dwarves. All wearing a different colored oversized baseball hat to a different side.

WordPress keeps saying “dwarves” isn’t a word which is why I keep writing “dwarfs”.

Katherine Heigl is married and raising a special needs child she adopted from Korea.

So, yeah she should make better rom-coms.

I was already depressed with life knowing she is too famous and accomplished and internationally renowned too good looking for me, but she is actually a much better human being than me. So … I made breakfast without anyone’s help again today.

Apparently, this is the only photograph ever taken with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway where they both have their clothes on. Soak it in.

Last night, I was on a porn website “solving for X”. And on some of these porn websites they have a feature where they show you what other people are watching. At first, that sounds disgusting knowing that someone else is watching that video at this very second and answering algebra problems all over himself. But after a few visits, it starts to become like the Netflix rating system. The new Karate Kid movie got 3.5 stars? Maybe I do want to watch a guy have sex with a girl on a bus. Anyway, there was a video of the nude scenes from Love and Other Drugs compiled together in one seamless video.

I thought to myself, well I don’t need to click on that because I’ve already seen Anne Hathaway naked in two other movies. But then I noticed the video was 4 minutes long. That is a long time to be naked in a movie. So I clicked on the link. Basically, Anne Hathaway is naked in that whole movie. The whole movie. There may not be a single scene in the movie where she is not topless. That movie should have been called:

SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED!

or ANNE HATHAWAY IS NAKED SO BUY A TICKET!

or DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED? OF COURSE YOU DO, SO BUY A TICKET

or Love and Other Drugs and ANNE HATHAWAY BOOBS EVERYWHERE

God bless her. Then I started thinking that one other time I saw Anne Hathaway naked was in Brokeback Mountain and she was with Jake Gyllenhaal in that too.

Basically, Jake Gyllenhaal is the kryptonite to Anne Hathaway’s clothes. Or at the very least her shirt and bra. I bet seconds after the above picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s top disintegrated into dust in the wind.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

HIRE JAKE GYLLENHAAL! HIRE HIM! Have him play a bell boy or a street vendor or a cab driver or something. Have him in that damn Batman movie stat because if he is in it then we get Anne Hathaway boobies. Do you know what would have been better than Michell Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Returns? Michelle Pfeiffer naked as Catwoman in Batman Returns. That is an undeniable truth. That is truth talk. I’m talking truth here. And you know what would have really made Halle Berry’s Catwoman better? A plot. Also, her naked. Halle Berry naked would have made that movie an absolute classic. Do you remember the movie Swordfish? Do you remember anything that happened in that movie outside of Halle Berry showing her boobs in that movie? No. I’m guessing not. Quick question, was Vinnie Jones in Swordfish? Having trouble answering that question. Can’t remember if he is in it or not? Were Halle Berry’s nipples in that movie? Yeah, you knew the answer to that one. Vinnie Jones was in Swordfish, by the way.

In conclusion, getting Anne Hathaway naked does not require wine, roofies, a new car, wedding ring – it requires Jake Gyllenhaal. If you provide the Gyllenhaal then you will see her naked. That probably can be said about 90% of women, but you didn’t cast 90% of women.

Kind regards,

KSWI Jordan

xxxooooxxxoooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Tom Hardy slept with another dude? Shocking. ^^^ This guy?

I’m just kidding Tom.

Seriously, though. Tom Hardy is supposed to be the lead for a Mad Max remake. I’m looking forward to that. I hope that still happens.

The Road Warrior is still an excellent action movie. I think people should see all three Mad Max movies, but if you could only see one The Road Warrior is the best. Beyond the Tunderdome is wild and out of control and just ludicrous and complete fun, but it isn’t as good of a movie. The original Mad Max is good for what it is and for how little money they spent and so forth, but The Road Warrior is out and out a better all around action extravaganza.

For whatever reason, I love post-apocalyptic movies that have the car chase scene through the desert wastelands. I love that idea.

A British Superman? *shrugs* It is funny that it is a British Superman, British Batman, and an American born, but British raised Spiderman. It doesn’t change things for me considering Superman isn’t real nor was he real, so who cares. The last Superman was American and was directed by an American and that movie sucked. This one will be directed by an American, being overseen by an American who most think is British and played by a Brit. But the better comparison is that, the first American director (Singer) had directed two superhero movies (X-Men and X-2), which I thought sucked. Meanwhile, this American director (Zack) has directed one official superhero movie (Watchmen), which I really enjoyed and he directed one un-official superhero movie (300 – it was a comic book movie at least) that was hella fun. The Overseer who is American (Nolan) directed two superhero movies (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight), which arguably the greatest movies to be created by a human being. So, I’m putting my money on them.

I will admit that I am worried about one thing with these Brits. There are about 60,000,000 Brits out there and they seem to be accounting for a third of the actors and so forth out there. At this rate, the Brits may overtake the Jews with the ridiculous ratio of “not many of them” to “they are in every movie and TV show” ratio. It is about all us Jews have, so stay off it you Brits.

Suck it, Redford.

A great looking guy born in Southern California who got a scholarship to college to play baseball only to have it taken away for drunkenness and then went to the Pratt Institute to study art then moved to Europe to live as a painter and then went to New York City to study as an actor then at 22 married an 18 year old girl named Lola Van Wagenen…

What I’m saying is that if Robert Redford died at 23 years old, he would have lived a better life than 99% of human beings who have ever walked this fucking Earth. Her name was fucking “Lola” “Van” something?! Unreal. Let alone this man did not die at 23. He kept living an amazing life all the way until this very stupid day.

Cry me a river, Redford.

Loved you in The Sting as well as all humans ever, so shut it.

 

It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time!

Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.

What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?

A – Age?

B – Beauty?

C – Order I would have sex with them?

D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?

E – All, but A?

THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.

Uhhhh… what? Is he back? I want IT.

YES!

I’M BACK!

And I think at this point, if given the opportunity to have sex with Kristen Stewart then I think I have to take it. As well as all of you. I mean seriously. If you read or wrote or watched or talked about chocolate cupcakes for a year and a half straight and never actually ate a cupcake, but then had the opportunity to have sex with the maker of all cupcakes then you should fuck the cupcakes out of that cupcake man. Cupcake woman. Who made cupcakes?

That took a turn.

Minus fucking cupcake people, Kristen Stewart. Oh man, what if you got the chance to have sex with Kristen Stewart in a pile of cupcakes? Fuck! That is the storyline of the greatest fanfic ever! That was a lightning bolt to my brain and my testicles. Cupcakes and Kristen Stewart sex.

And it is clearly open to sequels… cupcake sex is open to slash as well. Cupcakes do not hold any prejudice about gay sex in the cupcake room.

What was I talking about?

Right! We were talking about Kristen Stewart being cool with red bearded guys getting drunk and handsy on them in public, which is great because I am red bearded …

SNOW WHITE

Twitter and the Egyptian people of Egypt have been going nuts over this news that Kristen Stewart has been rumored to be up for the part of talking to the people making the move who are casting in their minds the idea of maybe having her read for the role in a hypothetical audition in the future the fantasy of Kristen Stewart as Snow White.

What do I think about this?

It could work. I’m not sure if any of you out there who read this delightful blog know, Kristen Stewart is in a series of movies where she plays more or less a doe eyed, alarmingly helpless, young woman, constantly in a state of distress and in need of rescue by a handsome heroic man. I’m pretty sure Bella could easily be taken out of the Pacific Northwest then put into these silly clothes above, surround her by dwarfs, tell her the Prince is a vampire and not much has changed. Snow White lives in the woods; Bella loves sleeping in the woods. Snow White instantly falls in love with some Prince she just meets; Bella is can’t get her panties off fast enough for the vampire in her science class.

They’re definitely going to alter the storyline for this movie, so why not have a scene where Kristen takes a blood soaked dagger and cuts away that long yellow dress down to a micro skirt and then takes to the castle for a showdown cat+knife fight with the Queen, which ends with Kristen getting her head smashed into the famous mirror where it shatters and Kristen with her face crimson red grabs a shard of glass and stabs the shit out of the Queen. I would like it.

That’s me. Whatever.

Good looking. I think it is a toss-up between Anne Hathaway and Katherine Heigl for me. But I wanted to group Tom and Anne together because their both in the Bat Man movie. Anyway, Katherine Heigl was in a movie called “Life As We Know It” and when I flew back from Saint Thomas over the weekend, the trailer for that movie played on a constant loop on the TV screen in front of me. I wasn’t about to pay $6 for Direct TV that flight. I have an iPod so I listened to music the whole flight, but I did catch myself staring at that trailer for quite a long time.

Three things:

1. I could upload my pictures from my trip if you are at all curious about them.

2. Katherine Heigl is a good looking woman.

3. Katherine Heigl makes movies that make me want to jump off a bridge. Can she not be cast in something good? It seems like it was sheer asinine luck she got “Knocked Up”. Why isn’t she at least in one dramatic movie? Seriously, Kirsten Dunst is in a ton of dramas. Throw the Heigl in there. She seems poised to snap at any moment.

Oh hi Anne Hathaway. Is this how you hang out? Doesn’t seem comfortable, but who am I to judge?

Anne Hathaway seemingly was cast as Selina Kyle/Catwoman in the next Batman movie. I’m thoroughly unmoved by this. I have consistently said that Catwoman has to be in the new Batman movie. These two previous Batman movies feel like totally different movies and the third should feel like a totally different movie as well and one way to do that is to have a truly memorable female character in the movie as opposed to the other two. In the first two movies, Batman barely gets a kiss. His sex life is crazy boring and he is more or less a-sexual. They need to sex it up. Have him invigorated by Catwoman. Have a woman who is turned on by Bats and not the alluring down trodden rich playboy Bruce Wayne. Can Anne pull that off? That’s what she said and maybe.

Anne Hathaway has played some sexy roles, so she could be sexy. Can she be athletic and seen as a tough chick? I don’t know. Out of the 6 or so chicks they rumored, Anne is at least a much better choice than Blake Lively or Naomi Watts in my opinion. She at least has some nice luxurious dark long hair like Catwoman has in a lot of the comic books. Should be interesting.

Tom Hardy. He’s a good looking man and he has admitted to having sex with other men, so that’s why I would rather have sex with him than Henry Cavill. Experience and I never liked the show The Tudors, so I would probably have to lie to Cavill that I liked that show when we are having gay sex.

I was not at all surprised that Tom Hardy was cast as Bane.

I don’t know why others were. I guess if you only know Tom Hardy from Inception then you might wonder why he was cast to play an enormous professional wrestling sized villain, but…

This is also Tom Hardy. This is from the movie Bronson he made a couple years ago. If he can get back to that bulk then he’s perfectly fine for Bane. The only big difference is that Tom won’t be like 7 feet tall or whatever Bane is, but unless they’re casting Shaquille O’Neal then they’re not getting a 7 footer anyway.

I like Bane.

I like Catwoman.

Supposedly, there is no Two Face in this one, which I’m a little displeased with, but I have faith in the movie of course.

Henry Cavill is dashing.

As mentioned, I was not a fan of The Tudors, but I did watch the first couple seasons. Definitely the best part of the show (minus any nudity) was Henry Cavill. Henry here was cast as Superman in the new Superman movie directed by Zack Snyder and “overseen” by Christopher Nolan. I’m crazy excited for this movie. I am happy that Henry was cast over the Eye-talian sounding guy from True Blood. I’ve seen a few too many episodes of True Blood and not one of those people shows me any “acting” “talent”. So I was at least happy that some guy and not that guy from True Blood got it.

As for Cavill, I mean he has dark hair and is good looking and will get in great shape for the movie. Good for him. My faith in this movie has nothing to do with my thoughts on Henry though. I have enjoyed the hell out of everything Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan thus far and I plan to enjoy the hell out of this. I think Zack is going to make Superman a fucking bad ass. And he should. Superman is the baddest man on the planet – bar none. He is SUPER… MAN. The dude flies, shoots laser beams from his eyes, can punch holes through steel, is indestructible, and can basically bend all scientific laws to his will. If Zack can make a bunch of nekkid dudes in loin cloths the baddest action heroes in history then he can take the blue boy in tights and the red cape and make him the HERO he actually is.

I expect a bad guy.

I expect a real villain.

I expect a fight scene that will defy all limits of awesomeness.

I expect a couple more fight scenes that will do the same.

I’m psyched.

Lastly…

Robert Redford made an announcement…

He is swad.

“Swad” is sad, but said like a speech impediment having child in a Disney movie. “Swad”. Rwobert Rwedford is sooooo swad.

Apparently, Robbie feels disrespected that no one asks him to be in movies anymore. Apparently, Robbie only directs because no one will cast him in stuff, but he still wants to work, so he casts himself in the movies that he directs. Oh no! Robert Redford is swad because after 50 years of making movies people are not casting him the way people are casting the likes of youngins like Robert Pattinson. Oh noes! Screw Tunisia. Screw Egypt. Screw Yemen. Screw the world! There is a man, a man with millions of dollar and a 50 year career that is still on going who feels slighted because he is not in billion dollar movies anymore. This is a travesty.

Basically, I don’t care about Robert Redford and kind of think he needs to fuck off.

I just went over Red’s IMDB page and there are at least 10 or so movies he’s made that are great. At the same time, he hasn’t made a good movie since at least 1998. The Horse Whisperer came out in 98. I’m not a fan of the movie per say, but I won’t say it is a bad movie. It’s a good movie for what it is. But I probably would go back to 1993 or 1992 to when he made a good movie for me. Indecent Proposal is from 1993 and it is an ok movie. I think the premise is excellent. It’s not the best movie, but I can’t deny how captivating and alluring the movie’s premise was. It stole the attention of pop-culture for awhile and I definitely give it credit for that. But I never sit around thinking about Indecent Proposal or wanting to see it. He was the narrator for A River Runs Through It, which is a great movie. I don’t know if I’ll give him any “acting” credit for that. Instead, in 1992 he was in the movie Sneakers, which is a great movie. I actually re-watched that a month or two ago. Good flick. Redford is good in it. Sidney Portier is in it. River Phoenix is in it. Good flick. And it is from 19 years ago. Maybe that’s why no one casts Redford.

Or maybe he asks for too much money.

Or maybe he is a dick.

Or maybe he is a man who built a career around being a heartthrob and is now going to be 75 years old this year and the movie studios don’t think they can sell to the much younger movie goers of this world that they want to have sex with this…

And that’s why Robert Redford needs me in Hollywood.

I’ll sign my soul away to direct/write movies about 60+ year old protagonists (man or woman) who are sex symbols. Seriously, I got time on my hands.

I’m back.

It’s freezing.