I DID ALL 32 TEAMS BABY! WOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!
THE SECOND HALF OF THE NFL SEASON!
Yes, ladies and ladies and maybe a couple gentlemen who are disguising themselves as ladies – the first half of the American Professional Tackle Football League (APTFL aka NFL) is ovah! Each and everyone of the illustrious 32 teams have at least 8 games under their metaphorical belt. The question remains two fold:
1. What has your team accomplished in these past 8 games?
2. What will your team accomplish in the these next 8 games?
As much as people want to make it seem that it is always eyes forward and onward to the future, your history does drag you down. If your team has been losing games in the 4th quarter and being outscored by opponents “a lot” to “a little” (I’m looking at you Miami Dolphins) then that is an issue that will continue to plague your minds until you correct it. The NFL has a lot to do with momentum. Winning a few games in a row, getting your running game together a few games in a row, defense playing well several games in a row – generally speaking, once it becomes the mentality of a team to do well against adversity then they can continue doing well.
And that also goes against a team. Once a team starts momentum in the opposite direction then it is hard to right the ship. If your team is giving up games then it is hard to motivate the team to start winning. If a team adopts the mentality of being a loser then it is sooner than later this 2010 season will be another forgotten season in your franchise’s history.
I’m sure you’ve all heard those pep talk percentages like a game is 90% mental and 10% physical. Some may shrug that off as crazy talk, but it truly is correct. These football players are all world class professional athletes. The degree of difference between one athlete to the next is not huge. Some are better than others sure, but they’re all capable of doing what each and every other player can do.
The difference between size and strength from one offensive lineman to another is negligible. They’re all about 6’5″ and 300 pounds. They all can bench press a Ford F-150. They’re all big and mean and eat half a side of cow for dinner. What really separates a Hall of Fame lineman from just some schmuck the team needs to deal with until they replace him next year with a draft pick? It is the mental. The mental edge one has over another. One has drilled into himself flawless technique. One has practiced endless his footwork. One has watched countless hours of film knowing exactly what blitzers he needs to pick up on each and every play. And one has that mental toughness to give it 110% and get into a car wreck with the football player standing across from him and bear the pain to do it for 60 minutes of football.
Same goes for all positions. Look at the evil Michael Vick. I mean before the Devil’s skeletal fire encased hand enters into our dimension through some magical portal and pulls Vick into the eternal clutches of Hell – let’s briefly talk about the difference between what he has done this year than other years. Is Vick faster, stronger, or more agile now than he was when he was younger and healthier? Obviously, no. But his decision making and his feel for the game has greatly improved. He has always been physically well prepared for football, but his dangerousness this year increased 10 fold because mentally he seems to have figured out how to use his physical tools as a quarterback. And I hope he rots in Hell.
Anyway – Here are the semi-relate-able/pop-culture fueled mindsets of the 32 NFL Teams from the first half of the season and now leading into the next half of the season. I’ll use these rankings from ESPN.com. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make this humerous.
Baltimore Ravens (6-2)
The Baltimore Ravens are the Zooey Deschanel of the NFL. She can act, she can sing, she can be funny, she can be cute, she can be sexy, she can be the girl next door, or the vixen of your dreams. She is on everyone’s radar and people can effortlessly say they are fans because she has credibility in all areas. From hipsters to jocks – everyone can root for her/them.
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
Clearly, the Pittsburgh Steelers are the uncompromising WANT of Kristen Stewart. When used correctly, the Steelers have unimaginable power in all areas of the game. Their defense as well as Kristen Stewart’s want can be absolutely terrifying. Their offense has a power punching running attack, passing attack and will to win. But it doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes Kristen Stewart’s beautiful want is put into terrible movies and as bright and wonderful as the want is – the movie still ends horribly. For the Steelers, that was their game against the Saints when they had all the opportunity to beat the Saints, but fumbled on what would’ve been a game winning drive. They have the power to win it all, but we’ll have to wait and see (I’m looking at you On The Road and Welcome to the Rileys).
Atlanta Falcons (6-2)
Justin Timberlake. They have all the flash and talent to make it in the entertainment world, but you’re still not sold on whether it will happen. Where does Timberlake fit in as an actor? The Falcons for the past couple years have been that dangerous young team in Georgia with a great QB, RB, WR and other abbreviations. They’re fun to watch and usually look good doing it, but can they really breakthrough from being young and talented to a serious contender. We’ll have to see. Consistency is what they need because they have little history.
New York Giants (6-2)
Their fans certainly don’t vote this way, but they are the Republican party. After last “season”, it really seemed like they were dead and gone away. They used to run this “league”, but have lost a lot of power in the past couple years. Going into this “season” there wasn’t a lot of fan fare for them, but have proved the critics wrong. Ahmed Bradshaw is like the Tea Party – fast, angry, came out of nowhere and is kind of running shit. Hakeem Nicks could be Governor Chris Christie. And the Giants obliterating defense could be the recent mid-term elections as they have knocked out the star players for the other team(s) and have everyone shaking in their boots about who will be next.
New York Jets (6-2)
Ke$ha. She certainly is one of the top darlings of pop music right now. She is a winner with big singles like “Tik Tok”, “Your Love Is My Drug”, “Blah Blah Blah”, didn’t she have that other song about going to some street where the freaks are or something, and she has that new song about being who you are or something. She knows how to win and she is getting it done, but she isn’t the prettiest pop princess. The Jets have some ugly wins and Kesha has been photographed in public.
New England Patriots (6-2) -
Bravo TV. You hate to admit, but it is goooood. On paper, no one should be watching Bravo Television. It is a network solely devoted to garbage reality shows about rich pompous unlovable bitches and then there is Top Chef, which is Tom Brady I suppose. All the decisions to get rid of players like Richard Seymour/Randy Moss and giving spin-off shows to these stupid ass housewives sounds like a bad idea, but it isn’t. The Patriots have multiple sub six foot white guys handling the ball and somehow it is working out. Sure there are some occasional missteps (letting Project Runway go), but they seem to bounce back and develop new ways of winning (Fashion Show).
Green Bay Packers (6-3)
Everyone loves unicorns and is always hopeful they are for real, but it just seems like they’re a never ending myth. The Packers are the team going to the Super Bowl at the beginning of every season and at points they truly do look like that team, but then you get a closer look at them and they’re really a single horned goat, an oryx with its horns tied together or a narwhal in a horse costume. Great quarterback, great receivers, great defense, but we’ll see how real they are in the post-season.
Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)
You want to hate him, but you can’t. Or at least I want to hate Jimmy Fallon, but I can’t. I want to dislike his late night show because I didn’t think he deserved to take over Conan’s old spot, but he is really winning me over. He has good guests, he puts together some great bits every week like the mannequin arm soap opera skit he did with Zach Galifianakis. The Eagles have some high profile talent, but mostly they are winning on sheer scrappiness, opponents underrating, and good strategy. Fallon’s show may not be in the same sentence as Letterman, Leno, Conan or The Daily Show, but it should be. It’s more out of a spite. Whether it is never being that funny on Saturday Night Live and then all of a sudden having your own show that I begrudgingly enjoy or it is being a dog murderer and at the same time being one of the best quarterbacks in the league – you just have to give credit where it is due.
New Orleans Saints (6-3)
Megan Fox and the Saints are soooo 2009. The sexiest woman and team from last season are the Who Dats from New Orleans and that brunette who was in the big robot movie. Nothing has truly changed about Megan or the Saints from last year, they’re just not as alluring as they once were. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just don’t have the same feelings you did this time last year for these two. Maybe it is because of all the running back injuries for the Saints and maybe it is because Megan Fox has spent another year banging Brian Austin Green – there just isn’t that same spark about them. But you would be out of your mind to think Megan is any less attractive and that the Saints don’t have another playoff run in them after going 6-3.
Indianapolis Colts (5-3)
When healthy the team is full of high powered offense shredding arguments and football fields, but nowadays they are battered and bruised and losing top names left and right. The Colts are a formidable opponent because of unparalleled leadership with Peyton Manning and the Democrats have the Golden Child and our Earth’s President Barack Obama. But one man cannot get it done by himself. Either their old stars need to get healthy or they need new stars to take on key roles to help lead them to victory. They have a pretty great lock on indoor stadiums/blue states, but once they head outdoors into those swing and red states things get tricky.
Tennessee Titans (5-3)
An old married couple. They are bitter, tough and can survive wars. Through injuries or a windfall of good luck – they just battle onwards to live another day. No matter how shaky they seem to be, you don’t want to fuck with an old married couple because they’ve spent way too many years of their lives not to have each others’ back in a knife fight. The Titans are a tough physical team that isn’t pretty, but has the ability to beat each and every team in the league. Their head coach Jeff Fisher has been with Tennessee for 16 years and been coaching in the NFL for 25, so the man is a rock out there. Great running game with Lil’ Wayne look-a-like Chris Johnson, a mean defense and they just signed Randy Moss as a wide receiver. Imagine an old married couple adding something new to their sex life – it could either reignite that spark or it could close them off and be more bitter for the rest of their lives.
Oakland Raiders (5-4)
The Raiders are Mickey Rourke. They’ve been around forever. They used to be one of the best and that had a nice long layoff into obscurity, but recently they have come back with a vengeance. The thing is – no one trusts it. Is Mickey Rourke really back to being a legitimate dramatic actor? Are the Raiders are serious contender in the league? Or are both of them the ticking time bomb we imagine and they’ll blow up and sabotage themselves? Who knows? The Raiders have a solid defense, their running back Darren McFadden is playing like a beast out there, but he is injury prone, and their quarterback situation is week-to-week. And isn’t Mickey Rourke like one long night in Las Vegas away from never acting again? Come on, who really thinks it will last?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3)
The George Mason University basketball team. Yeah, that is a very specific reference. The Patriots, ya heard! George Mason and the Bucs of Tampa Bay are not in it every year. They have some history of winning, but it is spread around. They have a great year then disappear for a few years then have a very good year then disappear for a few years and so on and so forth. But those years where they are good, it captures the attention of their sport. Everyone is like “are they for real?” because they could be, but the could also fizzle away against a team with some real lineage. The Bucs are young everywhere. Young coach Raheem Morris, young quarterback Josh Freeman, and my favorite their young running back LaGarrette Blount (son!). They believe in each other and they can win games that maybe they shouldn’t, but can they keep up their momentum and win with a team full of no names against the perennials?
Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)
Newlyweds. Everything they do is exciting and new. The Chiefs were an old organization until they overhauled themselves with new coach, new offensive and defensive coordinators, and almost an entirely new/young team. Young couples thrive on energy and so do the Chiefs. Everything is fatalistic as well. Once things go well things are going well, but once these go bad then shit might be over. Lastly, the Chiefs and a young married couple look great out there, but no one expects them to last. Divorce is too prevalent and doing well in the beginning of the season is a lot different than doing well in the cold of winter at the end of the season with a whole bunch of young bucks. But you wish them luck.
Houston Texans (4-4)
The Houston Texans are like sending drunk texts. Oh man, isn’t drunk texting the best? It feels so right. No matter how times you do it and it doesn’t work out, every time you are back in the situation where you are drunk and you have access to your cellphone – it just couldn’t feel any more right to do it AGAIN! Every year is the year for the Texans to finally break through into being a real contender, but they just don’t. No matter how smooth you are with your texting it just comes out all wrong through your drunk fingertips. The Texans have a high passing offense with Matt Schaub as QB and Andre Johnson as one of the best/dominant wide receivers of recent years. Then all of a sudden, Arian “Master Race” Foster explodes onto the scene this year as a great running back. Add in Mario Williams and and AND Bernard Pollard on defense! Why doesn’t it work!?! I mean I sent a text telling her how “beautiful” she is. Of course, I sent it at 3:30am and spelled it “bootifull” and she’s engaged, but pfffttt… whiskey. It’s just fun to believe.
San Diego Chargers (4-5)
Strip club. Sing it with me… going to the strip club. Strip club. Going to… the strip… clubbbbb. To be more specific, the San Diego Chargers are a strip club and their quarterback Phillip Rivers is the naked women. If one was to really break down what a strip club is then you don’t like it. A dirty bar, shady customers, more expensive than a regular bar, have to a pay a cover usually, it’s wildly uncomfortable, you feel like a fucking creep, you spend way too much money, and all-in-all it is just disgusting. But… it’s a strip club! No matter how shitty the strip club is there are naked women inside. And that rules. That always rules in comparison to a place that doesn’t have naked women inside. Phillip Rivers is that amazing of a quarterback that regardless of how garbage of a team he is surrounded with he can make it happen. He can score touchdowns in a hurry and always keep his team in the game regardless of how bad his defense or special teams is playing. It is always alluring to go to a strip club because of the naked ladies. Plus with San Diego, they have Antonio Gates as their tight end, which is like saying that at this particular strip club there’s a chance Kate Beckinsale is going to show up and give you as many lap dances as you want. You might catch an STD, spend $1000, or get shot in the parking lot, but it’s a STRIP CLUB!
Miami Dolphins (4-4)
The Ballphins are like a girl in her 20’s getting a boob job. She has great new confidence and looks amazing in all her old clothes, but she just is not used to having this bigger chest. She’s running into walls, knocking things over with them, and generally aloof about how she needs to use these beautiful new bazongas. Sometimes these new boobs simply get her into trouble. These metaphorical beautiful fake boobs are dynamic wide receiver Brandon Marshall, the crushing man-giant Karlos Dansby, learning their QB Henne can throw the ball more than 20 yards, a great set of linebackers and still a solid pai of running backs in Brown and “Sir Smokes A Lot” Williams. They need “An idiots guide to living life with at least a D-cup” for some guidance. Maybe Chad Pennington replacing Chad Henne as starting quarterback this week will be just that.
Washington Redskins (4-4)
If the Dolphins are a girl in her 20’s getting a boob job, the Redskins are a woman in her late 40’s or 50’s getting one. Do women over 60 get boob jobs? If so then maybe that could be the Redskins as well. The Redskins have purchased a whole lot of new old “talent”, but it is just not meshing with what was already there. She’s getting into arguments with her friends like “you look ridiculous” and people are talking behind her back, which is only making her paranoid that more people are talking behind her back. She needs to not worry about the critics and just keep pointing her rock hard boobs forward into a brighter future soon or there may be a mutiny. Also, no decision is a good decision when it involves Rex “The Grossest” Grossman.
Chicago Bears (5-3)
Maybe you’re an alcoholic. Maybe? Obviously, you have a problem, but how bad is it really? So you’ve thrown up a handful of times this month, at least twice a week you fall asleep on your couch in your clothes, and you haven’t gone grocery shopping in two months, but you and the liquor store guy have a “usual” order, a secret handshake and call each other nicknames based on childhood stories you’ve revealed to each other. BUT you still show up to work and do a good job, you still have fun with your friends, and you’re getting laid as often as ever. The Bears are 5 and 3. That’s good, right? Matt Forte is a good running back, right? They signed Jay Cutler last year and hired Mike Martz to be the O coach this year, which was a step in the right direction – right? Big off season signing of Julius Peppers has really brought their defense alive again, right? Devin Hester is a wonderful asset as a punt returner and wide receiver and he can lead them to victory, right? But deep down, you know you are just another week of hard drinking away from getting the shakes in the afternoon. The Bears are the most unsteady good team ever. It’s like I just want to go to a bar and not worry that I have to go to a bar. You get me?
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
Fast food. If you’re hungry and you don’t feel like looking for a real meal then you grab some fast food. It is quick, easy, cheap, and you’re full afterward. It gets the job done and even tastes good at times, but it is just a matter of time before you have diarrhea for the rest of the week. The Jags are a surprising 4-4 and even have a few dominant victories, but they’re not a real contender. They don’t have the substance of a playoff team. They’re a place holder and they can get the job done in a pinch, but you’re not taking a date there. If you want to get laid you don’t take a girl to KFC. And if you do know a girl who would be cool with that then my email address is… This is not to say that there isn’t some “talent” on the Jags or at a fast food place. Maurice Jones-Drew is a great running back and David Garrard is a good quarterback and I do love double cheeseburgers and chicken Mcnuggets. I could go for some In-N-Out burger right now.
St. Louis Rams (4-4)
The St. Louis Rams are how I would have handled things if I was Levi Johnston aka accidentally knocking up the girl you’ve been having fun hooking up with and she says she’s keeping it and then you talk yourself into this working out for the best by becoming Mr. Bristol Palin. This was unexpected. Hooking up was awesome. Sexing was awesome. We’ll consider the sexing without regrets/condoms the Kurt Warner/Marshall Faulk years of the Rams. Then when the “pulling-n-praying” technique failed that was the lean years when the Rams have sucked ever since. But this year, is that moment when you realize this could actually be good. She and I seem to get along – that’s probably why we were hooking up. She’s real cute, her mom’s good looking, so there are some good genes in the family and she’ll age gracefully. It’s a lot earlier than I wanted, but now I get to see if I can raise a kid. Basically, the Rams went through a rough patch and now are full of a lot of young talent that could lead this team to many years of success. Maybe this kid of ours will be as handsome and talented as rookie starting quarterback Sam Bradford. Maybe he will be an “animal” like amazing middle linebacker James Laurianaitis who is actually the son of professional wrestler Animal from Legion of Doom/The Road Warriors.
Minnesota Vikings (3-5)
Who could have fucking guessed these two were this fucked up? Demi Lovato was a cute kid and now a cute legal teenager who was steadily acting, had quite a nice music career going with two well selling albums, and she’s dating a Jonas brother. All great things. The Vikings had the “Silver Fox” Brett Favre coming off arguably his best season, a great wide receiving core of Sidney Rice and the always dangerous Percy Harvin, a top running game headed by “All Day” Adrian Peterson and a well oiled defense with the fab four frontline of Edwards, the Williams “brothers” and Jared Allen. But then we find out that she’s a cutter and addicted to cocaine and Brett is sending dick picks and their coach Brad Childress is an asshole and everyone is injured and she’s a slut and JUST STOP! What the fuck happened? You almost went to the Super Bowl last year! You were on Barney and you’re a vegan! Right now, they both need to regroup from their self-destructive behavior and then move forward.
Cleveland Browns (3-5)
STAR WARS! Like wars in the stars. The Cleveland Browns are like the magnificent Star Wars franchise. The Browns have 3 victories amongst a myriad of defeats. These 3 victories are much like the original Star Wars trilogy. All 3 are beautiful, unexpected and masterfully crafted – even more similarities are drawn when considering the later two victories are even more impressive than the first. The second victory was over the New Orleans Saints at New Orleans in the the Thunderdome. It was like Empire Strikes Back in that it was a victory built on a well engineered and executed storyline… by defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. The third victory was all action like Return of the Jedi with a truly dazzling performance by running back Peyton Hillis rushing for over 180 yards. But with how great those victories are, there are so many defeats that have happened already and will only continue to happen. George Lucas is planning ANOTHER trilogy. And the Browns still have to play the Steelers again. There is always the chance they can do something right with Star Wars and there is the chance the Browns can pull some more victories together.
I love thinking of Star Wars metaphors so here is another… The defensive schemes of the Browns are like lightsabers – they’re badass no matter who is wielding them. I dare someone who doesn’t work for the Cleveland Browns to name 4 starting players on their defense. Hell, name 3. I bet you can’t.
Seattle Seahawks (4-4)
PUBERTY. The Seattle Seahawks are going through some growing pains this year. They have a brand spanking new head coach Pete Carroll, who is making his return to the NFL after spending many years having the TIME OF HIS FUCKING LIFE coaching at University of Southern California winning football games with the greatest team money can buy and banging college chicks like he was Joe Paterno. Puberty is a week-to-week experiment in life that lasts for several years. Some changes are good and some changes are pretty ugly. You’re getting taller and have a better set of wide receivers, but you also have hair on your shoulders and you can play for shit on the road. You now have become a man and can have sexual relations, which is similar to turning Mike Williams into a viable wide receiver and Leon Washington as your return man, but you got the shit kicked out of you by the Giants on your home turf and your face will be covered in acne for the better part of high school. There are plus and minuses everywhere. Right now, you need to take heed of those positives and cultivate them for when you can really use them to their full potential in a couple years. Also, you need a new fucking quarterback – Hasslebeck is broken and Chaz Whitehurst ain’t gettin’ it done.
Arizona Cardinals (3-5)
It really wasn’t that long ago that people didn’t hate Jay Leno. Nowadays, people HATE Jay Leno. It is actually the cool thing to do. If you are in show business, it really isn’t that bad of an idea to beat up on Jay Leno. It really wasn’t that long ago that the Arizona Cardinals were in the Super Bowl and barely losing by a last second touchdown by the miraculous Pittsburgh Steelers. They were even in the playoffs last year. But now, I can’t stand to look at them or Jay. The Cards lost Kurt Warner, Boldin, Dansby and several others this off season, but they still have Larry Fitzgerald and competent coach Ken Whisenhunt. Jay still has his corny jokes, high pitch voice and his show is arguably the exact same – but I hate ‘em! Jay still has some fans and the Cardinals can eek out a few victories, but there’s no future in it.
Cincinnati Bengals (2-6)
There were just so many high expectations for this. A great cast like Steve Buscemi and Terrell Owens, Michael Pitt and Chad Ochocinco. A lot of hype from being in the playoffs last year and winning the AFC North and having Martin Scorcese and Terrence Winter as creators. But they are just not getting the job done on Sundays. They are underwhelming and no one is talking about them. They’re not bad, but they’re just not doing enough to win even with the few great acting performances mixed in. Well, actually, Paz de la Huerta’s full frontal nudity is Terrell Owens – they’re about the only thing worthy of tuning in for.
Detroit Lions (2-6)
SQUEEEE!!!! Twilight! The Detroit Lions are young and hungry and full of good looking talent everywhere, but they just don’t win. The key to sports is winning. Pretty or ugly – winning does mean everything. They don’t give Super Bowl rings to the team that loses it. The Twilight movies suck. And each time a new one is being made there are more and more positives that pop up, but the movie still sucks. Oh they have a good director this time. Oh Dakota Fanning is in it. Oh there are more action scenes. Oh they have decided to base the script not on the books with the similar name hoping this will actually produce a screenplay with half way decent dialogue. But there are no winners. The Lions have added great young players to pretty much every position and they all look great out there – Suh, Best, Johnson, Stafford – but they’re still only 2-6. And for absolutely no reason, I’m hoping they’ll be good. What do I care if they make a good Twilight movie? Well, I don’t know. What do I care if the Lions actually become a good franchise? Well, I don’t know. But I’m there and I’m rooting. If you’re wondering, which one of these football titans is the cigarette smoking elf Kristen Stewart —-> NDAMUKONG SUH! I love this man!
San Francisco 49ers (2-6)
I want to love them, but I don’t. A team and a band needs to be more than a sum of its parts. Individually I’m a fan of everyone in the band and I have a big man crush on a number of players in key areas on the 49ers: Patrick Willis, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Frank Gore. I even love their coach Mike Singletary, but he just isn’t providing the wins that he needs to. As for Them Crooked Vultures, I love droning rock n’ roll, but none of the songs sound like hits and both groups sadly need a change in leadership to keep me as a fan.
Denver Broncos (2-6)
Fox’s TV show supernatural mystery thriller that I have absolutely no fucking clue about Fringe. When I think about the Denver Broncos for a minute my brain begins to hurt and I realize I have no fucking clue what is happening with the Broncos. They came out on fire last year just running teams over and then did a 180 and collapsed. This season they suck, but then they look ok and in all honestly they really are just not that interesting. I have never watched a second of Fringe and feel perfectly comfortable continuing that. Wasn’t that show about people dying on a plane and now the guy from Dawson’s Creek is a ghost or something. Is Kyle Orton a good quarterback or not? I really just don’t care.
Dallas Cowboys (1-7)
Lindsay Lohan. This one is easy. Just a few years ago, she was America’s darling and now she is in a downward spiral with no bottom. This year has been absolutely disastrous. On the surface it seems like the Cowboys and Lindsay should be able to get it done. Even with all the abuse Lindsay has done to herself, she can still look great. I mean she’s young, pretty, has big… eyes, but she is making just the worst decisions. The Cowboys are full of crazy talent with Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Felix Jones, Demarcus Ware, Tony Romo (when not injured obviously), Jason Witten and so on, but they are just mentally not there to correct all the mistakes they are making. At some point, one would think that Lindsay and the Cowboys will have a moment of clarity and get back on top… but they haven’t. Maybe next year.
Carolina Panthers (1-7)
Your grandma has been turned into a zombie aka the Carolina Panthers. At this point just kill it with fire or chop its head off and move forward with your life. Once you’re bitten and turned into a zombie, life just keeps getting worse. The Panthers wasted their quarterback money on Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore and neither is leading them to any victories. If there was a way they could forfeit the rest of the season they should. Just as you loved your grandma, the Panthers have loved their coach John Fox. But at this point she’s a zombie and he is another failed coach, so you need to part ways. The only thing left for zombie grandma or the Carolina Panthers is to maybe play season spoiler for some other team and hurt some other team’s star thus turning them into a futureless zombie football team as well.
Buffalo Bills (0-8)
This fucking website. Got a lot of no name talent giving it their all out there, but not a single win on their record. They’ll battle to the death with the big teams in all areas, but just come up short in the end. And the fans are a bunch of winos.
February 5, 2010
It is Friday. I’m currently not having a good day at mork. For the uninitiated, mork is the place one goes to for an extended period of time everyday to get paid, waste the precious hours of their life and read this blog. I write this blog at mork. One can also refer to mork as their yob. And we continue. It could be worse. People are getting schmired left and right because of this terger we’ve been going through for the past year. Meanwhile, I still have a yob. I have a yob with the new bompany. So it could be worse. But I didn’t get any breakfast today and I had to drink cold coffee – so I’m pretty much a modern day Folocaust victim over here.
Anyway, I’m not too energetic at the given moment. Maybe my mood will improve by answering some of your questions. We’ll have to wait and see. Expect today to be a “non-edit” day. Expect typos. Lots of them.
But before I get into that, I should at least talk about the SUPERBOWL for a minute. Also, in the next paragraph I will use the term “women” to simplify two groups: women who don’t watch football and men who don’t watch football. Reason being “men” who don’t watch football should consider themselves a bunch of women. I know it is not easy for men outside of the United States to watch football on the reg, but you should. The sport is the greatest. The men who play and have played professional tackle football would have been the war generals of yesteryear carrying two battleaxes and screaming bloody murder leading the screaming horde to victory or to hell.
I do know that many women choose to not be present for the Superbowl and plan “girls” nights around them specifically not watching the Superbowl. Whatever. I think that is clearly stupid. I don’t think women need to watch 17 weeks of the football season. I don’t think women need to watch the playoffs. I don’t think women need to play fantasy football. I don’t think women need to be able to quote statistics, recite the 32 starting quarterbacks’ names by memory or understand why men have a man crush on referee Ed Hoculi (actually you should understand). But women should watch the Superbowl. And they shouldn’t be pissy about it. Everyone should watch the Superbowl because it is the greatest spectacle of them all. It is the culmination of the most grueling, punishing, violent, beautiful, athletic, strategic and thought provoking sport on the planet – so just watch it and if you don’t understand what is going on then just nod and smile and cheer when others do and drink and eat and enjoy the commercials.
My prediction – feel free to use what I am about to write as talking points or ice breakers to sound like you watch football if you end up at a Superbowl party:
I think the Saints are going to win. Yep. I’m picking the New Orleans Saints to win. One main reason why I’m choosing the NFC to come out on top* this year is because of the Dwight Freeney injury. The Indianapolis Colts’ defensive end, Dwight Freeney, is the best player on their defense. He is their premiere pass rusher and right now his ankle is messed up. Warren Sapp, former NFL superstar, has likened playing with a really badly hurt ankle as playing with no hands. It is that debilitating. I think that Freeney will be far from 100% for the game. If he plays then he won’t be really ready to play and if he doesn’t play obviously that is bad news. I think the Colts’ defense becomes incredibly weak without Freeney. As many have stated, if Freeney isn’t playing then the Saints will be able to focus on Freeney’s fellow defensive end, Mathis.
If the Colts’ defense can not get a pass rush on the speed and versatility of the Saint’s offense then I think it will be too much for Peyton Manning to win the game all on his own. I love Peyton Manning. The Colts’ offense under Peyton Manning is one of the best. The problem is that the Saints’ offense under Drew Brees is equally as amazing. It will be a battle of which defense can stop the other team’s offense and allow their own offense to break away. I think Peyton will be able to keep them game close. But, in the end, I think that this is the New Orleans Saints’ year. They are high on energy. They are fast and if they get the ball rolling then they just take off. Obviously, if anyone can win a Superbowl by himself it could be Peyton, but the saying goes “defenses win Championships” and Freeney is el numero uno on the Colts’ defense and he’s hurt.
So I’m picking the Saints.
Do guys notice a girl’s shoes out at a bar/club? Does it really make a difference?
Yes and no. I know guys who are certainly not some crazy foot fetishist, but they do like chicks feet and make note of them. At the same time, you may never notice a girl’s shoes because of the bar or club you’re in just because it is dark or it is crowded or whatever. The only thing I can think of that goes across the board for all men is the science behind heels make a girl’s ass and legs look great. But I don’t think a girl has to wear heels or specifically clear hooker heels. Unless that is the look you are going for.
I’m not specifically going to start talking to a girl because she is in heels. If you want to meet a guy, cross the crazy boundary and start the conversation first. Maybe a guy isn’t feeling the most confident that night for whatever reason, but you think he’s cute. Instead of wondering the whole night why he doesn’t start conversation with you then start the conversation with him. That is a confidence boost.
There is a line in one of my favorite movies – The Way of the Gun – that goes something like this, “a woman needs security like a man needs approval”. I believe that. I’m not saying you have to buy the asshole a drink. Actually don’t buy him drink ever. Just say hello first. Guys appreciate it. If he doesn’t respond then he’s an asshole. Or if he is focusing too much on your shoes then he is gay and you two could go watch Twilight together.
Do you like bison for the taste or because of the lack of fat and cholesterol of regular beef?
Both. Bison has a gamey taste and you can taste how lean bison is, which is a nice change of pace. I love meat (no asterisk you creeps), so bison burgers and bison steaks are appreciated in my mouth (you really wish there was an asterisk here don’t you? DON’T YOU!?!). The fact that it is healthier is an added bonus.
I cannot and do not believe that when you have “eyes for another” that “another” is Oksana Baiul. Get out. What, do we look like idiots out here????
What do they say? If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all? Interesting. So, I will take this time to mention that on Wednesday it was Morgan Fairchild’s birthday. Ms. Fairchild turned 60 and I would bang her still.
Wasn’t there a dog on Lost? Did he pee in a designated area, or would he only pee in a tent or whatever they lived in? Did he die?
Vincent. He is not dead, but he has been fazed out of the show more or less. He has made an appearance every once and awhile. Seemingly, he is just running around in the jungle eating and shitting where ever he pleases. There were characters who took care of Vincent and they for the most part have been killed. But there were scenes of them taking him on a walk and so forth. I think I remember them addressing once that Vincent was also traveling through time when everyone else was. Maybe I made that up.
Kristen Stewart could have her own Lost spinoff, only it would be called Want…. Which actors do you think should star as her crime fighting entourage? I mean, besides Mr. T, obviously.
This is a dangerous slippery slope. I could be conservative and choose insanely hot chicks as Kristen’s crime fighting team. They take showers together before and after they solve a crime at the end and beginning and sometimes in the middle of the weekly episodes. Or I could create a team of some of my favorite pop-culture references of the 80’s and 90’s to be her team. There are an infinite number of combinations of one or the other or both. So, I will take the easy road –
- Kristen is with the rest of the 9 hot white broads on the controversial Vanity Fair cover. Did you see that they said this cover was racist? I think that it one way it definitely is. They are all lily white chicks, which shows a complete and utter lack of racial diversity. These girls go from milk white to “just past the expiration date” milk white. At the same time, this is an article reflecting the “hottest”, in terms of career, girls this year in Hollywood. If it just so happens that they’re all white then that is Hollywood’s fault and not Vanity Fair’s. But one could easily easily easily make the argument that at the very least Zoe Saldana should be in the mix. She has quite the burgeoning career, specifically being the female lead in one of the best reviewed movies of last year, Star Trek. Anyway, those 9 chicks are smoking hot and so is Zoe Saldana.
- The Dream Team. Kristen Stewart’s crime fighting team is the 1992 gold medal winning US men’s national basketball team dubbed “The Dream Team”. They are the greatest team of individuals ever assembled to accomplish any task including the United States military of World War II. So, adding Kristen Stewart to that team would be amazing. Some would think I would say “she can replace Christian Laettner”. I will not say that. Christian will continue in the same role he had on The Dream Team in 1992 and that is cleaning the other guys’ jockstraps with his tongue.
Not even a thank you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I terrify you?
I am a man. I’m not scared of chicks. Unless we are talking about Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos. That woman scares the shit out of me. She fights at 145 pounds and she scares the shit out of me. There has been and there never will be a tougher thing on the planet with a vagina. One may try and get creative and imagine my 1500 foot robot groundhog with machine guns, missiles and ion cannons with a vagina and that would be tougher. It wouldn’t be. The robot groundhog would have extreme self confidence problems now with the vagina that Cris does not have and she would beat it to death with her vagina having fists.
So.. a zero would be my answer for you. As for Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos, 10.
Also, any advice on getting myself a life so that I don’t spend sizable amounts of time leaving the world’s most absurd comments on a blog?
I write that fucking blog, so I have no advice to give you.
Am I naively wearing clothes that give lesbians the wrong idea?
Send pictures to email@example.com . I need visual evidence to be sure.
“I’m expecting more comments”? Really?! Not even a Thanks?
Thank you, Brazil. I do question what happened to the other Brazilians who read this website. I thank you for your support as well as for you representing your 180+ million person country.
Also, remind me again why you are not writing TV shows for a living? or books which we haven’t gotten any chapters from lately?
I’m not refusing TV writing jobs. Apparently, they don’t like me *tears*. My “book”… hmmm… I’m lazy. Oh wait. No I’m not. I seem to be writing 2000 some odd words for something else every week day and then have a 9-5 yob to do. That’s right. I forgot there were some selfish ass women that I write for everyday that burn out most of my creative energy every morning and when I do have free time I usually use that time to recharge my battery with alcohol and videogames.
How do you get blood out of a carpet?
Blot the spot dry, massage detergent into the spot with a toothbrush, rinse with cold water, blot, pour a little ammonia on it, let that sit a few minutes, blot, detergent again, rinse, blot – keep repeating until it is either clean or you don’t care you have blood stains on your carpet anymore.
Another method – blot dry, cold water, blot dry, hydrogen peroxide, rinse, dry, peroxide, let that sit, warm water, dry.
I’m not in the least bit concerned that you killed someone. I just like people coming to me for advice and answers.
What language were you learning last summer when you didn’t post for almost a month?
I think I was joking, but I did buy a CD set to teach me Japanese last year. It was a month long course to teach me conversational Japanese. I listened to it for two days. I’m not sure where any of the CDs are currently. I know exceedingly little Japanese.
Tip – if you are listening to someone speak Japanese and you want to play along like you know what they are saying, say “nay” a lot. Say “nay” like you say “and?” while someone was telling a long story and you are fascinated. No joke. Didn’t learn that from the CDs. That is from watching Japanese fights. One commentator will endlessly rant about the fight while the other keeps saying “nay”.
Would you ever actually want The Want, or someone close to her like her mum or bff or Dakota Fanning, to find and read this place?
Any and all, yes. If they have a sense of humor then there shouldn’t be any problem. It’s a comedy website and I don’t think I’ve said anything really bad. I’m not bitchy critical like gossip or celebrity sites. If anything I think I’m incredibly supportive. Sure, some of the stuff is real crazy, but it has no malice in it. I don’t think other celebrity sites can say the same. I hope one day that they do read this and do respond. That is definitely a passive goal of mine. I don’t actively send out this website to anyone really, so I’m not trying to get her or any of them to read it. But I hope they do at some point.
In my personal impression of what I’ve seen of Kristen Stewart, I think she would get that this is funny or in the very least not mean. Errr… I just deleted on purpose a rant I went on about young celebrities and how we unfairly treat them because of the money and fame they have somewhat fallen ass backwards into. It was a little too serious.
Yes, I would like to hear what she thinks. As I want to hear what everyone in the world thinks. I’m a man. I need approval.
Now I’m depressed from that answer. Thanks. What will make this better?
Thank you, Morgan Fairchild. Have a great weekend. Maybe a no post Monday, but maybe not. We’ll have to see.
January 26, 2010
Joan Jett told Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar.
Woah! Woah! Woah! That is no way to start a new week of posts. I have to talk about the weekend. I have to talk about football. I cannot just jump in and talk about Joan Jett fucking guitars. That would be completely unprofessional of me to not address my weekend in the slightest and begin speaking on a subject like Joan Jett having aggressive sex with a stringed inanimate object on stage in front of people and being such a proponent of this endeavor that she rounds up young Hollywood starlets and bluntly tells them to do it as well.
But Joan Jett did tell Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar in the Vancouver Sun newspaper – right here
I did not post yesterday. I hope all of you can forgive me for not posting on Monday. I know it must have been a very tough day without my ramblings egging you on to strive forward and accomplish life. I find that my writings are inspirational and can cure the sick. It heals both physically and emotionally and spiritually. I have seen reports that reading enough KSWI will cure swine flu (that reference is so 2009). It also can be used to cure more common ailments: depression, anxiety, hyper tension, lethargic tension, stuffy head, anal leakage, spider veins, persistent cough, writer’s block, restless leg syndrome and can restore one’s faith in monotheism.
I did not get a chance to post because I do not get paid to post in any form whatsoever and because I was violently hungover. Those two situations created the perfect storm of me laying in bed under the covers with the lights off, a fan on my face, and my head at the foot of my bed and my feet at the head of my bed. I spent the majority of that time wishing that the hurricane like mess downstairs in my kitchen and living room would be miraculously cleaned up by an army of day laborers. This wish was not fulfilled. Much of Monday was spent complaining about being hungover, slowly cleaning up the apartment, and watching DVRed television programs from Sunday night.
So what of Sunday? What of football?
First and foremost, I thought both games were exciting. The second game was a little more exciting than the first, but both were good games. The Jets Defense spent the entire first quarter doing what they had said they were going to do all week. They were hitting Peyton Manning, they were stifling his offensive creativity, and they were making the Colts settle for field goals. That was impressive. Problem is, the NFL plays FOUR quarters of professional tackle football and not ONE quarter. The rest of the game was the unstoppable white and blue scoring horseshoe marching the ball up and down the field like no other team has done to the Jets all year.
The Jets have a solid team and should be excited about their future. At the same time they are a bunch of bitches who had the easiest road into the post season by playing back-to-back teams who let them win. They did beat the Chargers which was unexpected, but the Chargers have a weak defense and no one has the balls to step up to the plate and tell LT he needs to move on and let someone else play. If the Jets go into the 2010 season with a similar team they have now then they should be an interesting team to watch next year. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is an exciting young QB who will definitely get better. They have a great offensive line and a series of amazing running backs. Their wide receivers kind of blow goats. Their defense is quite quite good. Darelle Revis is the man. Jim Leonard and Bart Scott are quite good as well. And Rex Ryan seems like he knows how to lead a team as well as feed himself buckets of slop from a trough.
Peyton Manning and the Colts are pretty good. Easily the favorites going into the Super Bowl and they should be. No matter if they win or lose this Super Bowl, people should question their decision making in week 16. With two games left in the season, the Colts forfeit pretty much and allow themselves to lose their last two games of the season. Lame. Their idea was that saving their starters from those two games would pay off with them being fresh for the playoffs. I sincerely do not care. This is professional tackle football and the most holy of holy records is the perfect season. They had their chance and they pissed on it. They pissed on the perfect season. If they win the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and won the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it. If they lose the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and then lost the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it.
As an organization, they stood over the perfect season and unzipped their pants. A faint musk of dirty underwear mixed with day old sweat stains mixed with current day sweat stains suffocating the air. They pulled out their collective junk. Shorn clean from a Gillette Fusion razor. Smooth, but covered in razor stubble and little pimples. A few stray curly hairs that some how tip toed around the five cold and sharp razor blades. At first, just a jet stream of piss hits the perfect season in the face. Just one wake up shot right in the eye. And now the Colts’ penis is ready and aligned to let loose its bladder. And in a golden shower that could last 40 days and 40 nights, the Colts piss all over the perfect season. Piss dripping from every corner of the perfect season. As the Indianapolis Colts’ third string quarterback Curtis Painter laughs and laughs in the background; he is the perfect symbol of pissing on the perfect season.
The second game was a shoot out. I think most expected a wild affair, maybe ending in overtime. It was exactly what we were hoping for. Although the team who actually played “best” lost. Brett “Odysseus” Favre put on quite the show. Out gaining the New Orleans Saints at home in the Thunderdome by 200+ yards, the Vikings lost the game on their own terms. Apparently, the Vikings wanted to prove they were the better team, but at the same time did not want to go through the trouble of having to play in the Super Bowl. So they ran wild on the Saints up and down the field and when push came to shove, they fumbled. A LOT! Six times actually. The Vikings played really well, but they kept turning the ball over.
I’m sure you’ve seen the coverage about Brett Favre throwing the interception that ended the game et cetera nonsense. The whole team was losing the ball and Brett was having a hell of a game out there outside of that interception. Brett and the whether or not he is retiring circus has already started. I hope he comes back and I don’t understand why he shouldn’t. He had arguably the best season he has had in easily a decade. My opinion on Brett Favre’s physical health is that he would be perfectly ready to play heroicly in the Super Bowl in two weeks if the Vikes had won. So he is fine for next season.
Not to make it sound like the Saints didn’t do anything that game, but the Vikings did kind of give that game away, especially in the second half. But the Saints are a strong team. I thought between them and Vikings that the Saints had the better chance against the Colts. I think this will be an exciting fast paced Super Bowl with touchdowns and smiles and good times and the Who and I’m excited.
Sunday was a good day. This all happened in Jersey City – watched two games of football, played beer pong, pretty much killed a keg of beer, cooked 14 pounds of ham, made 4 pounds of mashed potatoes, two boxes of stuffing, dinner rolls, a few dozen buffalo wings, three trays of pigs in a blanket, a tray of apples stuffed with sausage, a cake, tons of chips, and, of course, laughter with friends… which was fueled by the obscene drinking of beer. Anyway, now that stuff is out of me sort of and I’m tired. I need a day off from my days off.
Joan Jett fucks guitars and has been for like 30 years. It is about 35 years of hard fornication with a musical instrument from the chordophone family.
In maybe the bluest puff piece article I’ve ever read, Kristen Stewart reveals two sentences that 51 year old Philadelphia native, Ms. Joan Jett, said to Kristen. These two sentences are seemingly to help Kristen prepare for her role as Joan Jett in The Runaways movie. I would imagine when the producers contacted Joan to do some musical consulting or supervising for the movie considering the movie is based on her and her band mates that they were not expecting Joan Jett to say the following two sentences of advice:
1. Put your pussy to the wood
2. Fuck your guitar
I have thoughts and questions. Numerous. First, why was this not a song for the actual Runaways band and/or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I would not say I’m very familiar with either bands’ discographies, but I’ve heard the singles. And the singles are good. There are a lot of great rock and roll songs in there that are both punk and classic rock and I don’t remember every hearing the lyrics “put your pussy to the wood”. I’m not a music producer. I’m not even a lyric writer. I cannot play an instrument. I have never been in a band. But I would make a small wager that if a band of average to good looking females wrote a halfway decent song with the lyric “Put your pussy to the wood” followed by them all screaming “fuck your guitar” that it may sell pretty well on iTunes.
That is just a shot in the dark, but I feel like you can quote me on that. “Put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” are lyrics I’m pretty sure will resonate to at least a small percentage of the population. So Joan Jett, huh? Not really mincing words.
I really wish I could have been there to have seen the face of the Canadian celebrity reporter sent out to interview Twilight star Kristen Stewart about her upcoming film The Runaways. Kristen, I’ve heard that Joan Jett was on set while you were filming The Runaways, what was that like? Did she have any words of advice about being a rock and roller? Uhhh… what? Put your what to the what? Did you say puuuu… puuuu… sss.. puss… I’m sorry, but if this is how you and Joan Jett think “cool” people talk then you are dead wrong missy. You don’t go around telling people to put their puuu *cough* lady parts on, well anything. That is not a lady like thing to say in the least. And I am not … fornicating with any guitar or any musical instrument for that matter. Never again!
Yes, in that scenario one can assume the Canadian reporter did have sex with a musical instrument at least once, but is ashamed by the experience(s) for whatever reason(s). So put your pussy to the wood and fuck your guitar. I really don’t understand how the greatest original thought by Joan Jett has been sidelined to some shitty newspaper article and not as the chorus for a rousing anthem. If this year Joan Jett comes out with a song titled “fuck your guitar” and has “put your pussy to the wood” in the song somewhere, I’m saying I told you so.
The rest of the article doesn’t get any less R-Rated. Kristen’s following quote ends the short and Sam Kinison-esque article:
“Both [of these women have] a dominant sexuality. They had to fight,” says Stewart. “People like girls to be sexy and they did then, too, but in a different way. They didn’t want to get f*cked [by the girl], they wanted to f*ck them.”
In my opinion, I would be more worried about Joan Jett fucking me than me fucking her. She said “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar”. That is a woman who owns and regular uses a strap-on. I think Joan Jett has an exercise routine specifically designed to workout the muscles used for fuck thrusting and hers are of an Olympic caliber at this point. Joan Jett is full of so much testosterone that I could inject a vile of her sweat as steroids. So I disagree with Kristen. I’m pretty sure Joan Jett dictates any and all sexual experiences that she is apart of – vis a vis aka ie eg – Joan Jett fucks you.
The second point I think needs to be addressed is – we’re talking about Dakota Fanning. I know that Kristen Stewart and all her want is putting her pussy to the wood and fucking her guitar as Joan Jett. Kristen’s got her black hair and leather pants and her no nonsense attitude. She’s the punk princess for whatever reason nowadays. She’s the anti-culture’s queen. I get it. But “both of these women have a dominant sexuality”. Both means two. And two means Dakota Fanning.
My question – did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” or did she tell her something similar? Or did Cherie Currie say something like that?
Sweet and pure and innocent and underage, Dakota Fanning. Did Joan Jett or Cherie Currie tell her to put her pussy on the microphone or to fuck the microphone or the amp or the speakers or what? Did they just reserve that filthy language to the old soul that is 19 year old Kristen Stewart? Was it Kristen who only heard that potty mouth talking Joan Jett talking about putting her pussy on things? Or did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to put her vaginal area on stringed instruments or the microphone as well? I would like to know. Curious minds want to know.
I think I made a reference once about Dakota Fanning being cute. She is an adorable innocent who goes to high school, is a cheerleader, was homecoming queen at her school and has done an excellent job acting in several films. I said she was cute and I remember receiving some comments calling me a sicko. Meanwhile, she is being cast as a lead singer of a band of girls that guys apparently want to fuck hard and people are now telling her to put her pussy on things. Seriously, there is a double standard being made here between myself and Joan Jett. I just said she was cute. I didn’t tell her to go fuck a guitar.
I feel like even Joan Jett and Cherie Currie know better and did not say anything of the sort to Dakota Fanning knowing that it would needlessly destroy her holy innocence. I am against drilling for oil in Alaska. I’ve never been to Alaska, but I’ve seen pictures. It looks pristine and perfect. We shouldn’t destroy it if there are plenty of places in the world we could drill for oil. Just let the polar bears and wolves and whales roam free and have their artic tundra or whatever animals are up in Alaska. Same goes for Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, I’m sure they used all their drunken sailor advice on Kristen the black sheep who with all her want is the anti-thesis for innocence for some reason. And the two rock stars refrained from ruining Dakota’s innocence by telling her to put her pussy on things and to fuck a Fender.
Also, while writing that I realized that who ever takes Dakota Fanning’s virginity with be destroying the artic circle in my opinion, apparently. Who ever that guy is, he might as well be killing the polar bears, black bears, brown bears, moose, caribou, mountain goats, bison, dall sheep, orcas, countless birds and fish, and, of course, the quiet and solitary Eskimo nation. Remember that. Who ever fucks Dakota Fanning first is killing the Eskimos. So leave Dakota Fanning alone and leave her Alaskan pussy wildlife alone. And I guess if you want to do some “drilling” grab Kristen “Detroit Rock City’s pussy” Stewart.