December 15, 2009
Well, I guess it is time to write this post. I have spent the past hour trying to find one picture in particular to make a point, but I can’t find it. That’s partially a lie. I googled the picture twice and came up empty. Then I went to the forums I originally saw it on and spent the next 38 minutes re-reading old posts of mine. I’m a pretty funny guy every once and awhile. Also, I’m a bit of a dick. Those people had it coming though with some of their lame threads. I used to post a lot on that board, but now I don’t. That’s partially their fault for being boring and your fault for draining me of any and all energy I have by forcing me to write 2000 words every morning. It’s amazing I have the strength to get up and eat lunch when I’m done.
The board I post or posted on is Sherdog. It is an MMA forum, but I rarely if ever have posted about MMA on there. My last post concerning the subject was in a thread about what lightweight fighters could defeat BJ Penn (the guy who was making the other guy bleed in yesterday’s post). The thread had a list of about 8 random lightweight fighters who he thought could beat BJ. I don’t think any of them could beat BJ. My brilliant response to his thread “meh”. That’s it. Three letters. That’s what they get from me nowadays. On the other hand, you get like 6000 million letters. Probably because most of you have boobs. The good kind. Sure some of them have boobs; the bad ones from eating too much birthday cake when it is not your birthday or anyone else’s you know.
The majority of the time I spend/spent on that board was talking about chicas or shit talking other posters. Let’s focus on las chicas. There are hundreds of threads on that forum titled “Would you hit it?” or some clever variation. Sometimes the “it” would be an obvious “yes” like Scarlett Johansson or Kate Beckinsale or Olivia Munn. Other times the “it” might be a joke one and it is a picture of some female body builder who has more testosterone coursing through her veins than I ever will at any point in my life. And sometimes it is a dude(!). Anyway, regardless of what is the “it” there are people who are on either side of the issue. There are people out there who say they would turn down Halle Berry and at the same time there are people who have a fetish for girls with huge pumped up muscles.
Me? Scarlett, Kate, Olivia, Halle? All the yeses. I’m blown away by deniers, the haters, the “I wouldn’t do her with your dick” guys. I’m not sure if it is the thrill of saying “no” or talking shit or are these people that crazy delusional. I’ve mentioned before the idea of me saying one girl is hot does not make another girl I said is hot any less hot. There is room for hot chicks always. There isn’t a set limit on how many girls you can say are beautiful or how many you would theoretically try sexing on an internet messageboard. So I think there are three people who would say “no”: the shit talkers, the crazy and the finite.
The shit talkers just say mean ridiculous stuff for whatever reason. They know they will never meet Carrie Underwood let alone see her nekkid in their shower so they feel the need to discredit her by saying she has “pointy elbows” or “big ears”. And it’s like really? Is that what you are looking for? The elbows? How soft do the elbows need to be? So Marissa Miller’s body is a 10 and her face is a 10 and let’s say her elbows are a 4 (untrue, but let’s just say that). You wouldn’t “risk” having sex with her because of below average elbows? Really?
The “pointy elbow” type are part of the “crazy” bunch. The “crazy” is an amoeba like group because they stretch and morph. Some of these guys need a girl with a 2 ton butt and others need a girl with no tits. I don’t understand all these rules. If she is hot then she is hot and you would hit it. The finite people are interesting as well. There has been one thread that was popular about Katy Perry and most importantly her breasts. She has nice breasts. End of thread. Or at least keep posting pictures of them, but how could you think otherwise? There were some haters, but the people that I find so fascinating are these finite people who would respond to this thread with another girl that they think has better breasts, por ejemplo Salma Hayek. Sure, hers look amazing, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stop and take a minute and talk about Katy’s sweater puppies. There is enough room in this world for both of their large heaving racks. In a perfect world, their respective cleavage would mate and produce any even more amazing set of tatas.
So my point is people are crazy for saying they wouldn’t have sex with a beautiful person in a hypothetical situation. There is a good deal of consensus on a few women on the board. I would even venture to say there are a few that are upwards of 90%, but even then there is 10% percent haters. I think there are people out there that should be getting 99% approval. The 1% are the creeps who can only get off to being beaten with whips by some woman in a diaper or something. I think Jessica Alba should get “would hit it” approval at a near 100%. I tried writing an article about her for this site once. I was googling pictures of her to get a sense of what I was going to write about and after 10 minutes *blip* I blacked out. When I awoke I was in the copy room humping the color printer. That’s how hot she is. I violated office electronics. The copier and I are still friends, but it just isn’t the same.
There is a flip side to this. There are men that I believe should be at least a 95% approval “would hit” for women. At this point, I do realize I’m being discriminatory and not saying gay men and straight women. COME ON! I don’t have all day to write this. Well I do have all day to write this, but you all demand it by lunch time and I’m not getting paid so I’m sorry if I’m defining everything in the stereotypical straight man and straight woman. I clearly think that you homo dudes with your ripped washboard abs would love kissing on these guys. Not only do I think you would be kissing on these guys given the opportunity like I think women would, but you should. Also if in a hypothetical situation where it is you, a fabulous gay man, versus some Susie homemaker straight woman and you two get offered one of these men naked and willing to do you then you should push the bitch out of the way and make a mad dash for the guy. I’m not saying “punch”, just “push”. A nice little shove that sends her stumbling while you get your legs underneath you to make that sprint for whatever guy it is. Ok? Anyway, you may already be guessing where I’m going with this.
This 95% approval is what I call “The Taye Diggs Corollary”.
BOOM! That’s why!
KA-BLAM! There’s another one!
This has been mentioned and clearly needed its own post, I believe all women want to have sex with Taye Diggs. By all I mean at least the 95%. If you say that you don’t want to have sex with Taye Diggs then you are either related to Taye Diggs or you’re wrong. And I’m willing to allow for 5% “wrong” people. There are some clear answers in this world. Best country? USA. Best Metallica album? Master of Puppets. Favorite Power Ranger? Amy Jo Johnson. Outside of that, if 95% of people are on one side of a “debate” then why do you want to be apart of the other 5%? That’s like rooting for the Hawks in the climatic finale game in The Mighty Ducks! You’re not cheering for Gordon Bombay and his rag tag crew of hockey misfits!?! Come on in and join the team. We have plenty of room back here in “the flying V” for everyone.
Ok, so why Taye Diggs? I think Taye Diggs fits perfectly in a cross section between being an aggressively attractive man, famous and rich, but not pretentious about it. Generally speaking, I think most people know who Taye Diggs is, but they haven’t been beaten over the head by his name or his celebrity like other actors. I could see people hating Tom Cruise. I think he is an amazing actor who has appeared in a lot of great films. He also is a complete jackass for being not only a Scientologist, but an insanely avid one. He also is real creepy with his enthusiasm and energy. I could see people being put off by Tom by the enormity of his fame and wealth that they don’t even want to deal with him and in fact may actually dislike him for it. At the same time, I believe women who say they wouldn’t sleep with him are ridiculous and liars, but let’s just move past that. Taye is famous, but he isn’t traipsing around telling women how they are supposed to handle postpartum depression or what religion to follow or jumping around on Oprah’s couch.
Taye’s acting resume is also almost perfectly tailored for women to want to tear his clothes all the seconds of all the days. First and foremost, How Stella Got Her Groove Back. POW! Winston Shakespeare! You’re kidding me right? They might as well have called him Dr. Wet Panties, Esquire. He’s also played numerous love interests in The Wood, The Best Man and Brown Sugar. So we’re making a movie? Ok. And we need a male love interest that is black, great looking, smart, dignified, wouldn’t be surprised if he was literally rich or at the very least emotionally rich like he some how figured out life’s purpose and is living his life in accordance to that and not the traditional definition of having a big house, do you know anyone? Taye Diggs. BAM! The character needs to sing? TAYE MOTHERFUCKING DIGGS! And yes, mothers would fuck him too.
Have you heard of RENT? Have you heard of Wicked? Because Taye Diggs has. He was in those damn shows. You know who loves Rent? Chicks and gay men. You know who loves Wicked? Chicks and gay men. You know who love Taye Diggs? Am I making myself clear? Taye Diggs may have been genetically created in a lab with lasers to be arguably the greatest choice for women to spread their legs for. The dude has been all over Broadway and chicks love Broadway. He can sing and dance and you know what else he is on?
Television! He was on Ally McBeal and has done guest spots on other girl shows like Will & Grace. But, of course, the mother of all parts has been his side character on Private Practice. Taye Diggs is a walking/talking/dancing/singing/modeling/acting scented candle warm bubble bath vibrator of a man. And in that picture he is wearing glasses. You know why people have glasses because they need to SEE THINGS and what do people with glasses need to see WORDS and you know where there are a lot of words? COLLEGE! The dude went to Syracuse University. He plays a smart guy on TV and is one in real life. So we got – chick flicks, chick TV shows, chick Broadway, and this son of a beautiful woman is the damn owner of a BFA in Musical Theater from the fighting Orangemen of Syracuse. What else could possibly make this guy more of a catch?
He is from New Jersey.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! POW! PCHOO! PCHOO! PSCHURR! PSCHURR! BOOM! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! DSHERRR! BOOSH! BOOSH! BRRUUMM! DISCH! KA-BLAM!
I really wish I knew how to write explosion sounds better and gun shots better. But yeah that happened. Taye Diggs is the perfect storm of man. I’m just saying he seems to me to meet every and all criteria I feel like I could think of. I could even add in that he is married and is a father and his wife is beautiful and talented and they met working together on Broadway and she isn’t some random floozy chick. I think that is great stuff too. So all of that. All of this plus the way he looks thrown together and I think chicks should all say “yes” to Taye Diggs.
Personally, I like Taye Diggs for two movies: Go and The Way of the Gun. I also like Equilibrium and Malibu’s Most Wanted. But Go and The Way of the Gun are great great flicks. I have watched both a lot. The Way of the Gun specifically is a movie I down right love. I love everything about that movie. Not really because of Taye, but he is good in it. Ryan Phillipe is good, James Caan is good, the storyline is good, all the action scenes are good. But Benecio Del Toro is the mf-ing man in that movie. As for Go, that movie is simply very enjoyable from start to finish.
In conclusion, Taye Diggs y’all. I don’t see a single reason why a woman would answer “no” if she was asked if she would hypothetically have sex with him. I hear about those “freebie” lists for married couples. Who would your husband or wife have to allow you to sex with if given the opportunity? I get those and Taye Diggs doesn’t need to be on those lists. You know why? Because he is a given. Taye Diggs is like accounting for gravity. He is already in the equation. If I was married and my wife had the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs then she have better have done it. God only offers a certain amount of chances in life and you need to seize them when they are presented. If she asked me if it was ok I would respond “do what you gots to do” or “yes”.
If my wife did have the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs and chose not to? I’m not saying we would get divorced. I’m not saying I would dump her immediately. But I would think about it. What kind of crazy woman have I married who would pass up the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs? It would really make me wonder what marriage I have gotten into. I mean we might get divorced or break-up. That could happen. It could also happen that we stay together and then for the rest of the time together I seriously question her decision making abilities like I had never questioned before. Hey, honey you should try the “orange chicken” from that new Chinese place. It’s great. Hmmmm… “great”? I’m pretty sure having sex with Taye Diggs would’ve been “great”, but you passed that shit up. What do you know about “great”? I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I would be thinking it.
Are you apart of the willing and winning 95%? You should be.
Can you think of any others who fit “The Taye Diggs Corollary”?