April 7, 2011
NASA pretty much is space. I’m not sure anyone would be able to disagree on that. Sure, there are other countries in space, but I would guess 99.99999999999999% of what we know about what’s in space is from the good ole’ US of A’s NASA program. It’s really an insane program or group or initiative or whatever it is. I mean they laid claim to the Moon for the United States. That may have been the most peaceful taking of land ever and not only land, but an entire land entity akin to a planet that circles Earth way above in the sky known as space. Can you think of another country that owns land anywhere else in the vast expanse of space? I can’t. USA has the damn Moon. It’s ours! And ever since we landed on the thing we’ve talked about putting hotels up there for tourists to visit. Space hotels!
I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Landing on the Moon and laying claim to it with a flag like a cartoon Christopher Columbus is one of many accomplishments that NASA has… accomplished. I was looking through LIFE.com and looking at a picture gallery with all the many patches they have had for all the many incredible projects they have attempted. Some were more successful than others, but it showed what a rich and diverse set of moments in history NASA has been apart of or have tried to and failed.
NASA has done so much more than send a rocket into space and land on the Moon. They’ve tried to achieve so much more. And after looking at these patches, they also tried to do most of these missions crazy high. That’s right, high. NASA smokes space weed. I’ll get to that later, but it becomes readily apparent as one views the patches. That shiz gets you F’d up. I hope after you finish reading this, you see that NASA is a special group of people who are dreamers, adventurers, and crazy high. Precautionary tale high.
Well, here is the start of it. As you can see plainly, NASA sent the great Eagle to the Moon to secure the space weed with its mighty talons. It is right there on the patch. I mean what else could it be. It was a 100% successful mission. See, NASA has big ass Eagles. I have to write Eagle with a capital E because they’re so badass they fly into space and grab the weed that grows on the Moon. Anyway, the Eagles are very similar to the deux ex machina Eagles in Lord of the Rings. Hey Gandalf, how the fuck are you going to get off that tower before Saruman kills you? Oh don’t worry, there are some big ass Eagles that haven’t been mentioned nor will ever be explained over the course of these 3 films that are going to come swoop in and save me and then they’re going to take a detour over to NASA and get their mission pack and some Gatorade and then fly off to the Moon to get us some of that stick icky that grows in space!
This is not the first or last of a long list of unsuccessful missions involving a magic pirate ship in space. I’m not sure of who it was in particular, but some big wig in NASA loved old wooden ships with big sails and so forth. He was one of those whackos who makes them in bottles. There is more likely of a chance you’ll get struck by lightning than ever meet someone whose hobby it is to make ships in bottles. Anyway, they got it in their head they could send one of these ships out into space and propel it by magic and rockets. Most of these horribly unsuccessful missions had the theory if we could just get it up there then everything should be fine. Well, it never was fine. A lot of money lost and a lot of lives cut short by the alluring idea of a pirate ship in space.
This was the surprisingly successful skywriting campaign of Mercury 6 where they wrote “friendship 7″ over United States. It was more or less a gross misuse of power for one of the NASA pilots to help his daughter win a contest in her Elementary school. Who could make the biggest show of “friendship”? Well, Astronaut Glenn clearly took to this literally and decided that this would be a great decision to write the word “friendship 7″ over the continental United States. The 7 was never explained and remains a mystery to this day, but that little girl won that damn contest. A few of the other parents tried to get her disqualified for not having done the majority of the project herself, but NASA knew better than that. That’s why Glenn’s daughter was specially made an honorary astronaut that day and flew part of the mission with her father. Was it dangerous to have a 10 year old fly a space ship? Sure was, but you should’ve seen the smile on her face.
This was an unsuccessful mission. Very unsuccessful mission. It had little promise to be successful, but there was great enthusiasm for the project even though there was absolutely no scientific research to back up the claim that this could be accomplished. NASA developed a giant vacuum and was going to suck the state of Florida into it wiping it off the map entirely. Clearly, it did not work, but they did try.
This mission was code named “Let’s Get the Fuck Out of Here There is a Comet Going to Destroy Earth!” There hasn’t been a comet to destroy Earth, but NASA ran some field ops to see if they were ready to get everyone up and out of the office and into a spaceship and off the planet if they were given only 10 minutes notification. It was a rush job every time plain and simple and that’s why they are flying with all the doors open on the space ship. Just get off the planet before that comet we didn’t notice until the last minute comes hurtling towards Earth and kills us all.
This was a great day. Just a truly great day. There’s no video tape to support the claims, but the men and women involved in the mission believe without a shadow of a doubt that it happened and happened perfectly. NASA successfully launched 3 mythical golden horses into space and sent them to the Moon. To be perfectly honest, they pretty much were having a space weed Olympics that morning and no one knows for sure what happened that afternoon, evening, and into the next morning. But when you talk to those NASA engineers, the tears in their eyes when they talk about those golden horses and them galloping in space. How can you not believe?!
This was kind of a weekend project that was more of a morale booster than anything else. Do you remember the 1983 movie WarGames? Well, pretty much everyone in NASA saw it the opening weekend and was just in love with it. Who wasn’t? It was a great movie featuring a young Matthew Broderick. There was just a lot of negative Nancy-ing going on in the NASA offices that year, but everyone was really rallying behind how much they enjoyed WarGames, so NASA put on a stage production of WarGames. It ran for 16 weeks and was loved by critics. It was nominated for several Tony awards, but didn’t win any. All those awards shows are politics anyway.
One of the most successful NASA missions that did not involve physically going into space. It was a design contest for the right bowl to be used to smoke the space weed. This was the design that won and the winner got an all expense paid trip to Seoul, South Korea where they got to debut the space weed chillum and smoke it with the Koreans. They all got high as fuck. I think you can guess that much.
Following the success of the official space weed pipe creating contest, NASA developed a vaporizer for the space weed. It was called “First Spacewalk” because when you take a hit off this vaporizer you’re so high you feel like you’re walking in space. So, that was insanely successful. Being the NASA employees they are it is more or less official policy if you’re hitting the space weed vaporizer that you have to wear the space suit. Plus you usually fall and bump into things that’s how high you get.
Another pirate ship idea, but this one is a little different – the concept was to build a big ass pirate ship and launch a space shuttle from the back of it. It failed miserably in every stage of this project. All of these people were fired once the project was given up on.
This is the commemorative badge regarding the first time NASA had its astronauts drop acid in space. It really wasn’t a logistical mission. They just got up there, put everything on auto-pilot, set the in-flight cameras to record and then they dropped acid. From the reports, it was equally the greatest and worst experience of their lives.
NASA made about the biggest space weed vaporizer you can imagine, set it into space and had the astronauts “spacewalk” while actually space walking. This project was kind of the beginning of there are no limits to what NASA will do with the space weed in space. It was like the “Cape of Good Hope”, but in space. Some feared spacewalking while spacewalking would lead to the time space continuum collapsing on itself. Others just thought you would get crazy high. The latter were correct. From there, there was no stopping NASA’s imagination.
Immediately following the previous mission, NASA installed a permanent giant chillum in space for astronauts or aliens to come and smoke their giant space weed peace pipe in space. It gets you fucked up.
This is just a space shuttle patch, but I just wanted to put this in here because I think it is very phallic and was curious what the rest of you thought. Phallic? I feel like NASA is telling us they have big dicks because they shoot rockets and been on the Moon and send Eagles to retrieve space weed and no one else does anything like this stuff.
Yes, there is magic. And yes, NASA has it. This patch was really a how far can we go on a half rocket, half magic run space shuttle. It went just as far as what they were doing already. So it was successful. Rocket fuel is pretty damn combustible and magic is as well. They’re about the same.
This was another big morale booster mission for the NASA people. They flew with the Autobots in space. That was really the long and short of it. It is like the equivalent of a celebrity basketball game, the NASA crew got to work on a space flight mission where they would get to race an Autobot. The good guy Transformer won, but everyone had a good time and it really made everyone’s month. Following the mission there was all you can eat buffet at the nearest Red Lobster as well as an open bar. Transformers, space races, shrimp scampi and a few rum and cokes, what more can a NASA worker ask for?
Arguably, the least successful mission in NASA history. Another damn pirate ship mission. This time the idea was to create the universes biggest space ship/pirate ship amusement park ride in space. Besides the building of hotels and so forth on the Moon, there became the idea of other tourist traps that could be created in space. The idea began circulating to build an amusement park in space. Then the pirate ship came into it. Pirate ships are usually involved in amusement parks and so are space ships. You know those rides where you get on one of them and it swings up the one way and then comes back the other way like an upside down metronome? Well, that was the plan. In no way was there ever a successful moment of this venture – about the only thing that actually worked was the sewing of this patch. It was a very divisive and many were fired and many quit over it.
Pretty simple task – get more space weed. Send the Eagle, send an empty space shuttle. Fill that shit up with as much as you can carry and bring it home to daddy. That’s about it. It went swimmingly. Those Eagles have a nose for that weed and they just led the ship straight there. Kind of became a regular part of the NASA budget were these types of missions.
It was only for a weekend, but NASA did take the Statue of Liberty into space. It was a prank on then New York City Mayor Ed Koch. No one is exactly certain why they did it, but they did. It worked. Just shot a rocket into space, cables were attached to it and the Statue of Liberty, hauled it up into space, let the Statue of Liberty free, took a couple victory laps around the Earth, took a few pictures, hitched up the Statue of Liberty to the ship and brought her home – no harm no foul. Pranks.
This was the last of the pirate ship missions. After this, that NASA big wig was forced to retire. His dream was never realized. Over a dozen of unsuccessful missions involving a wooden ship fueled by magic and rockets being sent into space to sail around the planets in the solar system. It was always a pipe dream. There is literally an untold amount of billions of dollars spent on making this a reality. It never worked. They tried. Oh boy did they try, but it never worked. They told him they would put the idea on a back burner, but he died of heart failure several years into his retirement. He never got to see his dream come true. His boy hood fantasy of an actual ship sailing through the uncharted dark waters of space. Kind of breaks your heart.
“Hands Across America”. Huge success. Wasn’t really all that difficult.
To put it simply, yes there are aliens. Every so often we meet up with the aliens in space and beam them TV and movies and porn and the like. They’re an advanced species, a much more advanced species, but they have no entertainment. They have laser cannons that can blow a hole through the Earth the size of Texas, but they have no sitcoms or hour long dramas or porn. They love porn, but who doesn’t? Anyway, it keeps them from killing our civilization. They were big fans of Arrested Development and almost killed us all over the cancelling of it. But we assured them there would be a movie made eventually. Hopefully, Hurwtiz et al can pull that off for the survival of the human existence.
Phallic right? I’m not the only seeing this right? It just looks really phallic to me.
Finally, this is our secret space marines patch. Pretty much if you’re an alien and you see this patch it means your alien ass. They are a blood thirsty bunch. Outside of those aliens we give porn to, we’re kind of the smartest bunch of living things in the universe and we kind of are big dick bullies just kicking around aliens on other planets. No surprise. We kind of rule.
Anyway, thank you NASA for all that you’ve done and that you continue to do.
I hope this gave you a greater appreciation for the men and women of our NASA community.
Any questions for Friday?
Today’s post is about “stars”.
Now, that I look at “stars” with those “s it looks sarcastic. As if “stars” means celebrities, but I don’t think they are real celebrities like Kate Gosselin and I would call her a “celebrity” or an annoying bitch who I honestly have no right knowing her name. But today’s post is about “stars” like the ones in the sky and I put “s around them to make the word stand out in the sentence and draw your focus to the word, so you would be excited about “stars” and not as excited for about is post Today’s. Got me?
Did everyone see the New York Jets get their dicks kicked in by the New England Patriots last night? Jeez. It seemed like the last thing any member of the Jets team wanted to do last night was score points and/or beat the Patriots. Anyway, I hope the Jets had their dicks kicked in so badly that it stays inverted for at least two more weeks because they’re traveling to Pittsburgh to battle my beautiful Black and Gold polytheist demi-Gods the Steelers.
Also, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, God, could someone between now and January literally rip off the dicks of the New England Patriots, so when the Steelers most likely play them in the playoffs they will be dickless? It’s not like I’m asking for “World Peace” or anything. Just rip the dicks off the New England Patriots. You are God and all. I’m pretty sure that would take all of a second to do. I bet it takes me much longer everyday to write these posts for the adoring public – meanwhile you don’t see me complaining. I’ll gladly switch places if you think it is too difficult of a task and the grass is greener and so forth. Anyway, peace God.
Back to the post.
This will not make any sense, but what does these days. Ingrid Pitt. Yep.
So, she died. Sadly. She was 73 and she died recently. I will admit I did not know who Ingrid Pitt was when I saw the name “Ingrid Pitt”. I looked up who she was and I saw she was an actress and a beautiful one at that and a beautiful actress who was in a bunch of movies I’ve seen and others have seen – mainly cult classic horror films from the 60′s and 70′s and she was in Where Eagles Dare, which is a good not as famous Clint Eastwood war movie.
I clicked on a few pictures of her from a particular search engine, I noticed in the background of one picture there seemed to be some really wild ass writing. Writing that looked like the person may or may not be trying to summon Ingrid Pitt back from the grave or maybe they were speaking in tongues through their fingertips.
A sentence like:
Jupiter in Aquarius is a special position for Aries giving much ingenuity, independance, and uniqueness.
That website was Libra Rising.
It turned out this website was written by a nut job. It was also and more politely, a website dedicated to astrological horoscopes… for celebrities. I have not really looked at the rest of the site, but there seems to be some gems about conspiracy theories and one post about “Lucifer planets” which I’ll have to read at some point.
Who ever wrote this website went through an insane amount of effort to write these bios for these celebrities based on when they were born (date and even time if known), where they were born, and then tracking the noon positions of the Moon I believe. Either way, it is a crazy amount of research this person went through, so I had to read it.
Basically, it is a psych profile this person has written about these celebrities because of the stuff happening in space at the time of their birth, which is stup… wonderful.
I will share one person’s profile:
Seriously? Who didn’t see that coming? That’s what she said.
Let’s talk about Kristen Stewart. What do we know about her?
She wants IT.
Yes, but what else? “What else” is all answered in the stars in this profile.
Before I get to the scribbly bits about where Uranus is in accordance to something else that sounds like Uranus… here is the profile picture:
She wants IT.
And, the person spells Twilight in the most imaginative way possible as Twighlight.
Now the profile:
The cardinal signs dominate Kristen Stewart’s chart making her a doer and accomplisher.
Isn’t this what I’ve been saying? She’s an “accomplisher” like how George W. Bush was a “decider”.
It all begins with the Sun in Aries which is her central driving force and spirit. Arian women don’t waste time going after what they want or letting you know how they feel.
I would suggest not using the term “Arian women” for “women of Aries” because the “Arians” in the grand scheme of things were the Nazis. Nevertheless, Libra Rising is saying that Kristen Stewart wants IT and she is out to get IT.
And I love it.
They are positive and energetic types who like to take life by the horns. Moon in Libra balances the Arian self-centeredness giving Kristen a more reflective and sociable side that likes to do things with others. Mercury in Taurus makes the otherwise impulsive and outspoken Aries more quiet, practical, and patient. They’re also more artistically inclined and have a shrewd evaluative sense.
Maybe if she wasn’t on all that weed we would see some of that energy, but I make jokes. So she really wants to just talk about herself and do everything in her own interest, but this “Mercury in Taurus” (bad name for a band) is keeping her from being a complete bitch.
Venus in Pisces also softens the Arian aggression with compassion, understanding, imagination, and idealism. There is an interest or ability in music, film, or the arts in general with this Venus placement. Mars, the solar ruler, is in inventive, independant, and freedom-loving Aquarius. Mars here likes to be different or unique and can be quite the rebel, fighting for friends, truth and liberty.
So she should be cast as Wonder Woman, but Wonder Woman if she went to a liberal arts junior college?
Jupiter in Cancer puts much importance on home and family and the moral or spiritual support derived therefrom.
Home? Family? Watch out Robert, she may be punching holes in those jimmies. Just joshing ya.
This is my favorite sentence of all time up next -
There is also an enjoyment of food and the sea, an appreciation of history and antiques, and an interest in survival-related training or activity.
Can I get a HELL and a YEAH! That sentence is unbelievable! It goes from boring and mundane to batshit crazy in like 8 words! Kristen Stewart likes “food”, which every living thing needs to maintain life, but she also likes the SEA. So, Kristen likes eating and maybe trolling the great arctic north looking for a mythical white whale. Next she likes “history and antiques”, so she likes “things that happened” and “old items”. Those two kind of go together. Liking food goes with all activities and I guess people who man oceanic vessels could enjoy old shit. Lastly, she likes “survival-related training or activity”. I LOVE IT. What the hell does that mean? “Survival-related training or activity”?! Like for a zombie apocalypse or if the Russians invade or if there is a nuclear bomb explosion? I know some people may think “survival-related training or activity” means “camping”, but Libra Rising didn’t write “camping” – Libra Rising wrote “survival-related training or activity”. I’m saying whatever freaky sex I thought Kristen was having with Bobbie just got taken up a notch.
Also, if Rob is searching for a Christmas present for K-Stew – a Swiss Army knife with a compass might be your best bet.
Saturn in in its own sign of Capricorn completes the cardinal element in the chart and gives Kristen much ability for discipline, control, and economy.
Again, this is an odd sentence. It starts off kind of hot if you like being a sub which I’m pretty sure everyone believes Rob is because of the whole British thing. Discipline – kind of hot. Control – kind of hot. Economy? So when she’s got Rob tied up and is spanking him with a ruler, she can also balance his checkbook. Or would he call it his “bill fold”. Hey oh.
It also keeps her trim, serious, and realistic.
The stars keep her slender?
Saturn with Uranus combines the old or traditional with the new or modern and knows just when to hold back or let loose.
So Saturn being in her anus is what keeps Kristen Stewart from killing us all with her WANT. Got it.
Saturn with Neptune realizes one’s dreams or imaginations and can make a fine artist, musician, or film maker. Uranus in Capricorn breaks with tradition and comes up with new ways to build, organize, manage, or achieve success. They have an interest in geology, geophysics, and the concepts of time, number, and space.
That last bit sounds like she needs to be a sidekick in a Nicolas Cage thriller.
Neptune in Capricorn is a psyche absorbed by order, structure, definition, and matter in general. They dream of a one-world or universal government.
Uhhh… that “one-world” or “universal government” better be America or that is treasonous. Also, it sounds like a lot of commie-pinko-bs if you ask me. And it’s probably a clue to what she talks about when she’s high. Ok, I get it, Kristen. It would all be much better if we all had the same currency and we were all just one country called Earth. I get it. Just stop hogging the bong.
Pluto is in its own sign of Scorpio giving Kristen and her generation the pure qualities of this planet and/or sign. These people are extremely focused, intense, and perceptive, and will go to the root of any matter.
Kristen Stewart wants IT. We know.
The next sentence is elegant.
They have a natural or instinctual conmprehension of sex, death, regeneration, and all hidden or occult matters.
Beautiful. So, when you meet Kristen Stewart ask her about any universal philosophical question and she’s got the answer for you because one planet was in the Moon’s path or something. Sex? Death? Regeneration? And all hidden or occult matters? That is a lot of knowledge to be stored in that brain of hers. And she isn’t even legal to drink booze yet.
While the birth time is unknown, there is a strong likelihood of a Sag ascendant or rising sign.
I’ve been saying that this whole time.
I think we’ve learned a lot today.
Kristen Stewart wants IT and the stars said so. Also, she liked to travel the open waters on a catamaran and wouldn’t mind a scenario where she’s stranded on it and needs to use her previous training and knowledge to find her way to safety.
Also, if you enjoy this – then I have another person’s profile I wouldn’t mind going through.
September 1, 2010
Editor’s note: YES! YES, an actual guest blog on a Wednesday. Thank you to Gerber and this post you are about to read. I had all these funny things to say last night when I put this up when I was sipping on some chablis, but now I’m chablis free and have nothing to say. Well, not nothing. Thank you to Gerber. Also, that writing a guest post is a relatively harmless experience. Sure, making your brain’s gears turn to form words and put those words in the right order like a puzzle to eventually provide humorous ideas can be a painful experience. But on the upside, you get one-on-one interaction with myself and my undivided attention as well as a myriad of “thank yous”. Genuine, heartfelt, and creepy “thank yous”. Apply for your own guest post today at email@example.com .
Several Awesome Things on the Internet You May Not Have Seen
I’ve been unemployed for all of 2010 thus far, and I may be developing a mild addiction to the internet. There’s only so much shit you can do over the course of a day when you are single and trying to not spend money. The same applies to avoiding alcoholism, and the absolute terribleness of television during the day. I find myself watching a lot of random garbage on the internet, and genuinely enjoying it.
Since you, the reader, are here reading a totally random blog, I will assume you share my passion for the interwebs. You may not, however, have countless hours to find random shit. Allow me to introduce several things that are interesting or awesome that to the best of my knowledge are hidden gems.
Lebron James tours his son, Lebron Jr.’s classroom
This was just posted on Lebron’s twitter yesterday, so it is fresh out of the internet oven. Amongst the awesomest things about this is Lebron Jr.’s nickname: Bronny. His name is Bronny James. If Lebron’s son ever becomes a religious figure in a Spanish speaking country, his name would be Bronny James, Dios. If I had any photoshop talent, I would put Lebron’s face on Ronnie James Dio’s and it would be incredible. Maybe if he becomes great at basketball, Bronny could be the “Holy Driver”. God, I hope at least one of you broads that reads this blog knows what I’m talking about. I was going to watch Twilight for the first time and write a blog about that, but went for random internet shit instead. I haven’t even sent this to Jordan yet and I already feel like everyone needs to stop judging me. Moving along
We Lost Our Gold!
There is a totally sweet treasure hunt going on in the state of New York right now. The basic premise is that there is $10,000 buried somewhere in NY, and these videos are the clues. Much like many other things of this nature, when I heard about this, I thought to myself, “Well, I’m smarter than the average person, there’s a good shot I’ll be able to figure the clues out.” Sadly, after watching two videos, and learning absolutely nothing, I am officially discouraged. I know that there was something in Morse code in the first video, and I’m pretty sure you need to know Japanese or Chinese for some other codes, and I just don’t have that capacity. Sure, maybe I could use my free time to learn Morse code or Chinese, instead of perusing the internet all day. To that I say: You shut your mouths.
The Scale of the Universe!
Hey, did you guys know how big the universe is? Pretty fucking big. I liked learning about how some stuff in space, like VY Canis Majoris, is the largest star known to humans. Also, Betelgeuse, which everyone has heard of because of their love of classic Michael Keaton movies, might explode. I’ve become somewhat interested in the concept that Earth is due for a major collision with something in space. Earth and the Moon have clearly collided with tons of shit during their existence, but it hasn’t happened for a really long time. We are due. My advice is to eat as many hot dogs (or whatever your favorite food might be, it’s probably hot dogs though) as possible while you still can, dance like no one is watching, and also stop judging me.
This is Part 1 of my favorite stand-up routine of all time. You will be able to find Part 2 easily, and I suggest that you do. It is 20 minutes well spent. The bit features Jon Glaser and H. Jon Benjamin, both of whom have a resume full of really hilarious comedy ventures. This might be the funniest. I don’t want to give too much away, but it is totally worth watching it until the very end because the whole act ties up in one incredible joke.
QP vs. Soul Khan
This is also somewhat lengthy (about 19 minutes), but incredible and hilarious. This video features two battle rappers absolutely murdering each other in front of a large crowd of people. I am very partial to Soul Khan, who is absolutely hilarious during all of his battles. I generally have a hard time believing that “freestyles” aren’t written, but with these dudes I am pretty sure it’s legit because I’ve seen them fuck up in different battles. I think this video is great just for the degree of difficulty. Assuming these dudes are actually doing it off the top of their head for the most part, it’s really impressive.
The Worst Movie Ending of All-Time
The end of this movie perfectly embodies one of my favorite Louis C.K. bits, “The Guy Whose Facial Expressions Don’t Match the Words Coming Out of His Mouth.” This is a truly awful acting performance, and it makes no sense. I tried to incorporate this “Put ‘er there” into my daily life, and was almost anally assaulted several times. I had no one to blame, but myself. This is just such a ridiculous rollercoaster of emotions that no human being has ever experienced all at one time. Unless that person had multiple personalities, or was just the most wildly unstable person in human existence.
That will conclude my first installment of random internet videos. If you have seen all of them, well, I hate to tell you that you also are addicted to the internet. During the course of the past several weeks I have enjoyed dozens of other videos, including everything by Auto-tune the News, but I figured that everyone has already seen those. Rest assured I will spend the next days and weeks compiling other terrible videos and attaching some of my self worth to being able to answer affirmatively when someone asks if I saw some video of a monkey dancing to the Macarena on an iceberg.
October 16, 2009
So long. Farewell. Is anyone else sad that “Alien Week” is coming to a close?
I will still end up talking about aliens and the Moon and Space in future posts, but I won’t dedicate another week to it. Even if aliens do attack Earth because of the handsome President Obama’s pre-emptive rocket strike on the Moon, I will not dedicate another week to aliens/space/Moon. They had one full week and they will get no more. You get nothing! Good day, sir!
There are a lot of films and television shows that I did not tackle in this week, but for fuck’s sake I did write an ass-ton about aliens and space. Apparently, you all need to see more movies. It seemed like the majority of the comments this week were not about anything I wrote, which I have become fine with. Well “had” to become fine with like corruption in politics or steroids in sports. I cannot stop these athletes or politicians or reason with them. So now I’m “comfortable” with the idea that all my heroes are jacked out of their skulls on pharmaceuticals and human growth hormones. My politicians are organizing wild money making schemes like selling kidneys and knockoff designer handbags, all true.
Anyway, a lot of commenters mentioned they had not seen the movies I was writing the most humorous dialogues about. And at the same time they were mentioning that I should have been writing about something else instead. Oh sorry. I forgot whose blog this was. Clearly it is not mine. Apparently, preparing you all incase of an alien invasion crisis was not as crucial as I thought. Next time I won’t look out for your mortal safety from intergalactic killers.
I will make a last ditch effort to speak on some more space/alien movies with the aid of a questionnaire that was “sent” to me. “Sent” to me from an “alien”. An “alien” who just so happens to “read” this blog. They all love it up in space.
What would happen if Kristen Stewart went to the Moon?
Kristen Stewart would turn to look back at the glory that is Earth and tears would come to her eyes. In all her radiating want, Kristen Stewart’s glow would be more powerful than a million Suns. The temperature of Earth would rise and all the ice and snow would melt flooding Earth killing everyone. Only our fish would survive. So don’t send Kristen Stewart to the Moon.
Why no Star Trek!?!
Well, I never watched Star Trek *gasp* *faint* *fart*. I just never did. I didn’t watch the TV show or any of the TV show spin-offs. I really don’t watch many sci-fi TV shows. Mostly because television has shitty production, so I try to stay away from shows that generally need high production like sci-fi and action. I love action movies and sci-fi movies, but the TV shows by and large disappoint me. But I have seen most if not all the Star Trek movies. And what do I think of Star Trek from my limited knowledge?
Hot chicks. There are hot chicks all over the universe. That is excellent news. There are so many hot chicks on Earth that it would be very disappointing sending a spaceship and crew around the universe to discover other forms of life and all they stumble across are ugles. From the first season to the last, through every spin off, and all the movies – not a single fight choreographer worth a damn, but they definitely knew who to cast.
“What’s the plot of this episode?”
“They’re scanning Space and find that some unknown planet has traces of a rare metal on it, so they decide to go investigate.”
“Vague. I like it. What do they find when they are there?”
“A bunch of aliens?”
“Make them all female. A whole planet of female aliens.”
“Right. And they’re all hot and buxom wearing knee high boots, short skirts, and tube tops.”
“Excellent. With no men around, these hot big chested alien women will feel very comfortable with each other that they kiss to say hello and take baths together.”
“Yes, but seeing the men from The Enterprise sparks inside of them the lust for a man that has gone unsatisfied for generations. Especially for Kirk. They will tear his shirt off-
“I think I’m having the craziest case of déjà vu, right now. Or have we had this conversation before?”
“We have had this conversation before, about once a week for the past 30 years. This exact exchange of ideas is the basis for everything we have ever written for this television show and movie franchise.”
“Well, if ain’t broke. Ok, so Kirk fucks a bunch of them and at some point has a near slow motion fist fight with a rogue group of alien marauders.”
I can’t hate on the show. I would write the exact same thing given the opportunity. The recent movie was pretty good and Chris Pine did a good job as Kirk. Nevertheless, even with all the hot women on that show, a lightsaber will always trump phazers set to stun.
But the chicks are soooo hot and they all want it.
What about Alf?
I watched Alf. So did you want me to say how much Alf wanted it? He did. Or how I could defeat Alf in a fight? I could. I would kick Alf’s ass. I think Kristen could kick Alf’s ass as well. I’m not talking about Kristen in flying V battle formation, but normal Kristen. I think she could wind up and punt Alf right in the snout without him having much say in the matter. Thinking back on Alf the majority of my concerns revolve around the idea he enjoyed eating cats. I’m a dog guy myself, but it strikes me as particularly odd that this was written into the show. I can’t think of a single reason why a family television show would want to even hint at the idea of an alien monster tearing apart and eating a house cat. It just seems gruesome.
INT – Living Room – Day
The Father enters.
“Has anyone seen ‘Jinxy’? She usually comes running at the sound of the can of food being opened, but I haven’t seen her.”
The kids are gripping each other wide eyed, frozen in an intense fear on the couch.
“We saw Alf covered in her blood and entrails! He was laughing! LAUGHING!”
There is a good/great movie called Permanent Midnight with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson prior to them being hugely famous about the drug addict writer who wrote for Alf and Thirty Something. Good movie.
Why did you bring up The Blob? Was it purposefully to drudge up your commenters childhood horror stories?
That was a bit of a shocker. I was initially surprised that this was a movie that anyone had seen. I found it even more surprising that people were terrified of it. I’m no John Wayne, I’ve been scared of plenty of movies, but The Blob? I have absolutely no fear of “a blob” or “the blob”. A walking gelatin mold that eats people isn’t something to be trifled with, but it is silly. No matter how many people it kills it is still silly. Clowns, on the other hand, are scary and I respect that fear. Clowns are fucked up.
No mention of Dune?
I’m a little surprised that no one called me out on not mentioning Dune. I like the movie and I am looking forward to the supposed Peter Berg adaptation. As far as the book? I can’t read it. I’ve tried half a dozen times, but I can’t make it through it. It isn’t bad, but I get distracted, frustrated and then give up all within the first 30 pages. Every fucking sentence has some made up word in it that I have to look up in the glossary. In the definition of that word is another made up word. I then have to go look up what that made up word means and thirty minutes later I am just reading the glossary and have entirely forgotten what the hell is going on. What is this homework?
There are a bunch of books with made up words, but it doesn’t seem to matter too much to the author to keep the mystery. Tolkien will write some crazy word and then hand feed you the meaning of that word like the idiots we all are. But Dune expects you to learn this new language. I just want space battles and creepy aliens. I don’t want to be bilingual in “nerd”. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. I still have the book.
While looking up movies on Wikipedia right now, did you just defeat Wikipedia?
AHAAHAHAHAHA I DID! I had been working off of this as a cheat sheet or crib sheet of sorts – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_about_outer_space – and one movie that I was thinking of mentioning in this post is not on there. Sphere!?! A lot of these alien movies and space movies suck just as most movies suck. The great thing about genre movies is that they can suck, but you can still like them. Sort of guilty pleasures. I was going to list some of my guilty pleasure alien/Space movies. One guilty pleasure of mine is Sphere. The movie sucks, but I can’t stop myself from watching it every GD time.
Sphere is similar to Abyss in that they are both alien movies that take place underwater. Abyss is a much much much better movie and legally I can enjoy it openly without fear of public stoning. But Sphere is not good and people in the real world may shiv me for saying I enjoy it. I have watched it about half a dozen times and whenever it is on TV I end up sitting through at least 20 minutes of it. I really like the premise of a group of people isolated in a ship of sorts progressively growing crazier and become violent threats to each other and to themselves. Is that weird?
There are actually a bunch of movies with that premise and some are actually respectable unlike Sphere. Like Event Horizon and Sunshine. 2001: A Space Odyssey’s most memorable section of that with Hal is similar to that idea as well.
Not one mention of Superman?
I know. Superman wants IT. But in my defense, I hated the most recent Superman Returns movie. And I saw it in 3-D. The third dimension only added to how much I was not enjoying the movie.
Not one mention of Wall-E? Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
OK ENOUGH! There are a ton of movies and TV shows about space and aliens. I’m sorry if I couldn’t cover every single one of them. Jeez! It was only 1 week! And Wall-E was great. I liked it and that robot wanted it. And Hitchhiker’s is great, but come on! Star Wars!!!!! Ok?
Damn it! I said enough.
Ok, so what have we learned from “Alien Week”? Probably nothing. So with that, I will try to write a little anecdote about space and the Moon that I enjoy. I think everyone should know that we, as in America, landed on the Moon. We walked on it. Actually 12 of us walked on the Moon. Everyone should also know the first two who walked on the Moon were Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. As crazy as it is to have been the first man on the Moon and so forth, it is even crazier to imagine smuggling a golf club and golf balls to the Moon.
Alan Bartlett Shephard was the first American in Space. He was the second human being in Space, but he was the first American. Not only was he in Space, but he was also one of the dirty dozen who walked on that floating space rock the Moon. Currently, Alan is the oldest man to have walked on the Moon. He was 47 years old when he bunny hopped around the surface of the Moon for 33 hours. He also had been touched by a case of sheer insanity from either his advanced years or all that time in space because when Apollo 14 blasted off in 1971 there was some unexpected extra luggage on board.
Alan decided to bring the head of a six iron golf club and three golf balls to the MOON! When Alan and Edgar Mitchell were literally on the Moon, good ole’ Alan pulled out his sporting equipment. He had attached the golf club head to what pretty much was a glorified Moon pooper scooper. With Houston watching and Edgar off to the side watching, Alan dropped a golf ball onto the Moon and proceeded to have the most expensive and elaborate golf driving range experience ever.
If you hadn’t noticed, space suits are cumbersome. Alan had to swing with one hand and couldn’t really rotate his hips all that well. His first swing apparently missed. What an idiot, right? The second clipped the ball and sent it only a couple feet. And finally, third time was the charm and he caught the ball pretty well sending it up and out into Space. Alan’s famous quote was “miles and miles”. But realistically the ball didn’t go that far. There is gravity up there on the Moon, 1/6th of Earth, and it wasn’t Tiger Woods driving that ball. It did go a lot farther than a tap with one hand and six iron would do on Earth.
He immediately dropped the second ball and sent that sailing as well. And third too. You might be saying to yourself, “I can’t believe these are the nutjobs that we sent to the Moon.” I agree and I love it. That is the human spirit. It wasn’t the only thing Alan did while he was on the Moon. He and Edgar performed experiments and collected stuff for 33 hours, but for a minute Alan Shephard got to do what only a child could dream of.
The head of that golf club actually resides in New Jersey at the USGA Golf House in Far Hills, NJ. And with that, I think “Alien Week” is done. I hope you all have a good weekend.
October 12, 2009
Welcome back from our 72 hour extended commercial break.
I did not get a chance to touch on a certain subject on Friday’s post. I am a slave to my own intangible and completely non-existent rules that Friday is based on topics from the comments section from Monday thru Thursday. Because of this, I did not write about a news piece that is completely near and dear to my heart. It was a moment in time that will forever bring tears to these sorry blue eyes. It was a moment when I could truly be proud to be alive. With that in mind:
We fucking blew up the Moon!
YYYYeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Take that Moon! Fucking take that! What’s up now? What’s up now, Moon!?! I’m guessing you woke up Friday morning thinking we were all cool and shit. I’m guessing you thought we were boys, but nah. We blew your ass up. And by us, I do mean “u”-“s”. The US of MF-ing A blew up your bitch ass! Not Earth! Earth had no part, well relatively no part in this. Only 300 million human beings, countless amounts of dogs and cats, goldfish, birds, cattle, chickens, wild animals in zoos, rodents, insects, earthworms and, of course, Barack Obama, NASA, and Yours Truly blew up the Moon. No one in Canada, Bora Bora, Turkey, the Former Soviet Union, the Congo, Peru or anywhere else can lay claim to firing a rocket at the Moon and blowing it’s dumb ass up.
Not only did Barack Obama receive the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday morning, but he also launched the first (of hopefully many) assault on S-P-A-C-E, SPACE! The President of the United States isn’t just the President of the “Free World”, he is the Supreme Ruler of the Inter-Galactic “Free World”. He fucking blew up the damn Moon! Can you think of any other country on Earth that could do that with out being nuked a second later? And who would nuke that country? The US of MF-ing A! We run shit! All of it.
Barry is not the first President to rule EVERYTHING, but he is the first to truly enforce it. Ever since we planted the Stars and Stripes on the Moon in ’69, we’ve owned it. Good ole’ Dubya did lay claim to Mars and started two wars in the Middle East, but even he wasn’t brazen enough to start…. Wait for it… the
Yes! Obama is reeling back the troops in Iraq. He is pushing up his game in Afghanistan to defeat the Taliban as quick as possible. And he fired a rocket and attacked the Moon. Does anyone else see where this is going? We’re going to start space jumping our army from planet to planet like Space is the Pacific Rim in WWII. This was a wake up call to Space to start shitting bricks! We’re shooting first and asking questions never! So what’cha gonna’ do Brotha’ when these 24-inch Red, White and Blue biceps runs wild on you, Space!?!
As we wait and see what bitch ass aliens will do in response to the USA pre-emptive striking the Moon, I will discuss famous movie alien villains and if they want it.
If you’re going to start somewhere then start with the word itself “Alien”. This movie is incredible. Not only is the original incredible, but the sequel is a great action movie as well. And the third one was… dark. Like literally dark, like I need a flashlight to watch it. And the fourth *pause* I threw up. Ugh, I threw up just thinking about Alien: Resurrection. So the first is unreal amazing, the second is wildly fun, the third is dark and dirty as in it is not well lit and there are traces of mud on each DVD copy, and the fourth *pause* I didn’t throw up all the way. I burped and felt it come up and then subside, so I feel worse and my throat burns, but no actual vomit. Whether you’ve seen any of the movies or not, you definitely know what the “Alien” looks like. Do the Aliens from Alien want it?
Hell yeah they do! Look at it. They want it bad. A lot of people have mentioned to me that one reason why Kristen Stewart looks like she wants it all the time is because her mouth is almost always slightly open. Kristen’s mouth is usually ajar and so are the Aliens’. I’m not saying having an open mouth means you necessarily want it, but having your mouth slightly open all the time because you want it so bad you have a difficult time closing your mouth means you want it. I’m guessing about 15 minutes ago if someone asked you “are there any similarities between Kristen Stewart and the wet slick, black, acid spitty, laying eggs in people’s chests, 100% murderous, purely violent Id, Aliens from the movie Alien?” you would have said “no”. You probably should have called the cops as well. That fictional person could very well be the craziest person on Earth and dangerous, maybe not to you, but definitely to themselves.
But now you know, Aliens and Kristen Stewart both have their mouths generally open and want it. Do the Aliens want it as much as Kristen Stewart? Now you’re the craziest person on Earth asking that. Of course not. Although the Aliens do indeed have two mouths, they still don’t want it as much as K-Stew. A couple reasons, the Aliens are running on basic instincts. They want it, but there is no conscious decision to want it. Also, they have no eyes. Kristen Stewart’s eyes want it like Obama wants to unleash hell on the Moon. So two mouths don’t make up for no eyes.
The greatest movie to ever feature two Governors: Predator! I love this movie. No lie, this was the very first DVD I owned. This movie is fantastic. Definitely one of my favorite action movies of all time. It begins as a typical action movie set in the jungle and then begins to transform into a sci-fi horror movie which then turns into the most epic one-on-one war, not battle, between Arnold Schwarzenegger versus The Predator. It is so good. Predator 2 is purely outrageous and I love it because I love anything with Danny Glover. So does this shoulder mounted laser rifle shooting, foot long steel claws, Bob Marley dread locks having, crab faced “you’re one ugly motherfucker”, 7 foot tall, tree jumping, human filleting, neon yellow/green blood, and turn himself invisible with a touch of a button Predator want it?
I would think so! You don’t walk around with all that bad ass stuff and not want it. That would be counter intuitive. The Predator travels from unknown corners of the universe to traipse around killing dudes in the Central American jungles and New York City. The Predator definitely wants it. But not too much though. There are points in both the original and the sequel where the Predator retreats. One of the more memorable scenes in Predator 2 is the Predator using his first aid kit in the bathroom of a wrecked New York City apartment. Pain and injury will suck the want right out of the Predator. You all saw Kristen Stewart eat it on the concrete. Did KS look like she wanted it any less? No. Pain, fear, hunger, and concrete – they do not stop Kristen Stewart’s want. And I have a hard time believing anyone or thing with dreadlocks wants it that badly. Just saying.
Also, as the Predator has continued to appear on the silver screen since the original Predator, the Predators appear to want it less and less. The first Predator wanted it. No question. He had some moments of hesitation and I feel like hiding around in trees is a sign of not wanting it, but when it was time to ‘want it’ it was like a hurricane of want. There was less want in Predator 2. And in, the Alien vs. Predator movies, the Predators have become almost humanized and they don’t want it nearly as much. But the one Predator does become friends with Sanaa Lathan. By friends I mean he marks her. If I was in his situation I would’ve “marked” her as well. That Predator knows what’s up. She’s hot. Either way, refracting light so you can hide I take as a sign of not wanting it. Kristen Stewart does not hide her want. Kristen Stewart’s want is like a beacon of light that illuminates the shadows of this world. Plus anyone who tries to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura is a dick in my book.
Pitch Black (2000)
Great movie. Some people would say Vin Diesel makes shitty movies. Those some people would be correct except for like 3 movies. Most of his movies do suck. But he was in Saving Private Ryan for a little bit, he was in Boiler Room which was pretty good, and he was in Pitch Black which is pretty great. One of the best parts of Pitch Black is that a lot of characters in that movie are technically “bad guys”. The main characters are flawed and it is hard to root for any of them initially. Radha Mitchell is very hot, but her character willingly killed hundreds of innocent people to make sure she lived, which John Stuart Mill wouldn’t have agreed with. Cole Hauser’s character is a big asshole and a drug addict. Vin Diesel’s character, Riddick, is a mass murderer. Also, there are a bunch of black pterodactyl aliens that come out of the center of the planet they crashed on every so many years when there is a total eclipse to feast on the flesh of any living thing that happens to be walking around. You may have guessed those guys are the real bad guys.
And they want it. But again, not too much. They only want it in total darkness. Which I’m sure we’ve all experienced that sentiment once or twice, right? Yeah, I always like it with the lights off, sure that makes complete sense. They have no eyes which I mentioned was a no-no. What’s with aliens missing their eyes? Who is taking their eyes? A creep that’s who. They can only “see” with their radar like hearing which is lame. It’s a neat party trick and all, but you can’t want it nearly as much as the sighted. So yes, automatically Kristen Stewart wants it more than any blind people. Blanket generalization, deal with it. And, the alien creatures traveled in packs. This is a lack of confidence and with that there is less want. That can be applied to men and women as well. Confidence and want have a positive relationship.
Lastly, they weren’t aliens and they don’t want it as much as Kristen Stewart, but these three still fucking want it… badly.
Independence Day (1996)
Just using the “wanting it” deduction skills from earlier that having dreadlocks and no mouth would mean right away that the aliens in Independence Day do not want it nearly as much as Kristen Stewart. Having big glassy eyes and no mouth in unacceptable. And what is with aliens and dreadlocks? Outside of shooting rockets at the Moon, have we been pumping Peter Tosh into Space the last 30 years? It is hard to truly hate reggae. I think that people may not love it and may not want to listen to CD after CD to it, but everybody likes a little reggae every once and a while. Especially aliens. And we all love Jamaica, right? Who wasn’t rooting for the Jamaican bobsled team 10 minutes into Cool Runnings? And you know you were sad when they lost. I’m just saying, “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!!!!”
What? I don’t know. So needless to say these aliens didn’t want it too much. But I had to bring this movie up for three reasons that are each beyond ridiculous. I have continually thought about these three things and their ridiculousness for about every day for the past 13 years: 1. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith saving the world with a Mac Powerbook and a nuke, 2. Africans defeating the spaceships and 3. Vivica A. Fox stripping scene.
1. Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum use a mid-90’s Mac Powerbook to defeat all the aliens. Using the most primitive wireless Ethernet card that probably needed to a hand crank to start it, Jeff Goldblum hacked the aliens’ internal wi-fi network and uploaded a computer virus that took down all of the alien shields. You may think that these aliens were so advanced because they had exoskeleton suits, they could use telepathy, they had huge spaceships with impenetrable force fields, they could zip around the universe in these spaceships, they had a huge mega cannon that could destroy cities in one shot and all this other nonsense. But all that is bullshit when you aren’t smart enough to load up McAfee’s Anti-Virus software on your ‘puters. Bunch of idiots. Also, a big thanks is in order for America again because we saved all the rest of your sorry asses by knocking those force fields offline and blowing up their mother-ship with a nuclear warhead.
2. As unbelievable as that is, even more unbelievable is that once the force fields were down and Randy Quaid rammed his fighter jet right up the open butthole of the big spaceships and we Morse coded it to everyone around the world… there was a shot of the huge spaceships crashing to Earth destroyed in the middle of the Serengeti with Maasai tribal warriors jumping up and down in celebration. First, I don’t think the Maasai know Morse code or even had the ability to receive the Morse code transmission. Second, all they had were their spears. That’s right the Maasai warriors took down those spaceships chucking their spears at the center of the “primary weapon”! Fuck that’s badass! They must’ve just been standing underneath just slingin’ it. Just throwing their spears directly up with enough velocity to not only reach the spaceship hovering hundreds of feet in the air, but to destroy that huge beam cannon. Badass.
3. Vivica A. Fox stripping and no one paying attention is the most ridiculous thing that happens in Independence Day. It is completely unrealistic to think that Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith could defeat a sophisticated alien network with a Mac Powerbook and a computer virus. It is even crazier unrealistic to think that a bunch Africans with spears could destroy a spaceship. And it is completely utterly stupidly unrealistic to think that if Vivica A. Fox was stripping naked in the general vicinity that anyone would pay attention to anything else. I don’t care that it was an alien invasion! You know you would be watching the alien invasion out of your peripherals meanwhile you would be focused on Vivica getting naked. That’s just absurd to think otherwise.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
They wanted, their noises were their weakness, and this movie used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid. Not only did it scare the crap out of me, but I watched it all the time for some reason. Maybe not the “crap”, but it did scare me when I was young. But I guess the movie was that damn good that I couldn’t stop watching because I’ve seen it no less than 8 times.
Actually just thinking about it is freaking me out a little, so let me just say that clowns want it, but these clowns were big and lethargic and lethargy is not conducive with wanting it. The Joker and Harley Quinn are the King and Queen of clown wanting it and even they do not compare to Kristen Stewart’s want. So needless to stay these big pasty faced, shark toothed, creeps … uh I’m freaked out. I need to stop writing about this. I need to focus on something else to make it better…..
Finding pictures of aliens on Google was not easy for some reason. But I was thinking in honor of us starting the intergalactic wars on Friday morning that this week could be an all Space all aliens week if you wanted. Like Shark Week, but with more Kristen Stewart and aliens. So not much like Shark Week. I’ll probably write about Space/Aliens regardless of you wanting it or not, but I would like to hear what you think anyway.