This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #43

Happy New Year! Or something.

One guy I follow on Twitter named The Sulk said a lot of funny things yesterday, but one of them in particular I shall pass on to you:

“Today = Thanksgiving. Tomorrow = Thanksshitting.”

And before I get myself involved in that holiday as I drink my first of many colon cleansing coffee cups of … coffee, I will answer the Friday questions.

Friday question: with all this talk of an NFL lockout, to what insane lengths would you go to ensure next season continued uninterrupted? Would you perform sexual favors for another male? I don’t know why the NFL would say “Football can continue so long as KSWI Jordan gives that dude over there a beej,” but let’s pretend that they would for a moment just for my entertainment’s sake. Thanks

Well, who is this dude “over there”? Does everyone know that I’m saving football by blowing this “dude”? And is everyone treating me like the hero I’ve always wanted and felt that I am already am? Because if the stars do align…

What am I prepared to do? For the most part I’m doing as much as I’m prepared to do, which is practicing “The Secret”.

Ahhh, yes The Secret. You all may remember The Secret from Oprah. And by “Oprah” I do mean the mythical wondrous trillionaire Chicagoan. The Secret is remaining positive and focusing on out comes that you want to happen in life and through this optimism and positivity they will manifest. Also, there is the act of making “dream boards” where you cut out pictures of things you want and can focus your positivity on to make happen.

The Secret never mentions how many dream boards you can have. Or how many you should limit yourself to. So safe to say, I have rented out an office space not far from where I am living. The walls are covered in dream boards and I sit in there and pray and listen to Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” and once a day a dog breeder releases all its puppies in the office and we run and giggle and smell markers because that is the most positive thing experience ever.

I’m pretty sure this will all get figured out with the players and the owners in the NFL before I have to blow a guy. Thanks for thinking of me…

Why are most, if not all, major American holidays an excuse to eat yourself into a food coma, or alternatively drink until you can’t feel feelings any more?
(I’m not judging, most of our holidays are like that too. We have a horse race that everyone skips work for – top that!!)

The US of A has horse races, but they are on Saturdays.

I’m not sure what else there really is to do with people. Eat, drink and be merry. So why not eat A LOT, drink A LOT, and maybe you’ll be merry after that. It’s just simplest that way. Maybe if people are stuffing their faces with food and alcohol then you won’t have to converse with people you really have no business conversing with.

Since America is kind of the greatest everyday always then everyday is like a holiday in this damn country, right?

Will you ever consider rejoining the world of the working stiff, Jordalachian? Or is freelancing treating you too well to even contemplate having to wear a cool suit and get up before 10am ever again?

I will/have considered. Freelancing doesn’t pay me enough to live on forever. But we’ll see. I may be rejoining said office world sooner than later. I do still have all those suits. They sit unworn in my closet.

What do you want for Xmas?

KSWI orgy? I do have a dream board for that as well.

Have you seen the Cowboys & Aliens movie trailer?

I have. Several times. My opinion on this trailer is ever changing. I know of the comic book, but never read it. I like a lot of the people involved in the movie like director Jon Favreau and Daniel Craig and Mr. Ford and Olivia Wilde’s body. I like the idea of the movie and the comic book very much, but the trailer is a little disconcerting to me. I would expect it to be more humorous, but it looks really serious. And some of that seriousness could be ok if it were not for the one part where Harrison Ford rides out of the darkness and says that he wants Daniel Craig and at that point I start laughing and say “wow, that was bad” every time.

I’m definitely seeing the movie. There is no way I’m not seeing it. I’m just wondering if the movie is this serious and if it is maybe they shouldn’t have hired Harrison Ford. The first time I watched the trailer I was into it. The more I watch it, the more it worries me. But I’ll definitely be there opening day waiting to see it.

I love the idea of “cowboys” and “aliens”, so hopefully it works. I have not seen a Jon Favreau movie that wasn’t at the very least entertaining as hell.

And on the topic of great combinations…

Friday question, for the Friday post we’re most certainly not going to have: “Why are you so popular with Indian men of the lonely persuasion, Kay Swidge?”

My question back – there are 1.5 billion Indian people, so why are there not more Indian men commenting on this website trying to find love… sex… a fuck buddy?

I’m pretty sure that these “Indian men” are really a “clever” spammer. Nevertheless, I laugh a lot reading the messages. I was thinking about one day going through comments like theirs and making a post out of it. We’ll see if I do that.

Have a great weekend.

Weed? Booze? Cocaine? Nah, I smoke Tryptophan!

I could be angrier. I could be. The Pittsburgh Steelers lost in overtime to the Baltimore Ravens. A game that they could have won. But, in all honesty, I was expecting a much worse showing than the Steelers gave. Early in the week they had made it abundantly clear that Ben Roethlisberger was going to play despite the concussion he suffered the previous game. At the proverbial last minute, Ben was not cleared to play and this opened the door to 3^rd string quarterback Dennis Dixon to make his first NFL start.

Basically a rookie quarterback, no Troy Polamalu, at Baltimore, against the vaunted Ravens defense!?!

I was expecting to lose. The Baltimore Ravens opening drive didn’t help my confidence any as they took the ball the length of the field for a touchdown fairly easily. If you watched the game, you would have seen all the depressing statistics the Ravens have on their usually lackluster opening drives. Now they are up 7-0, gggrrreeeaaattt. So how did the rook do?

Pretty great, actually. Dennis Dixon scored two touchdowns, led a drive for a field goal and, finally, threw an interception that cost them the game. It was better than people expected and, in the end, ended the way one would think a rookie start versus one of the best defenses in the league and your team’s number 1 bitter rival would end. So, he played well. Rashard Mendenhall ran like a beast and our defense played pretty well. The Steelers are playing well enough to keep these games competitive and make you believe only to have your heart ripped out of your chest and peed on at the end of the game, but I guess that is better than getting woodshedded like some other teams have been around the league.

Oh, but it would have been so nice if they won. Why?

Dennis Dixon = “Steamin’” Willie Beamen

Just saying. If Dixon won last night’s game then the Steelers would officially be Any Given Sunday and my life would be complete.

Also I was going to title this post “the six inches in front of your face” as a reference to Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the comments section would be flooded with a lot different interpretation of that sentence. You people. You dirty people.

As far as the rest of the NFL, I watched all three games on Thanksgiving, the Jets/Panthers game on Sunday, and the Vikings/Bears game on Sunday. I’m not sure if anyone has ever said this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say this guy named Brett Favre knows how to play football. Call me crazy, but I think this guy has a future in the league. At the age of 112, Brett Favre is having arguably the best season of his long long long long long illustrious career; through 11 games Brett has thrown 2874 yards, 24 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions. Even if “The Old Man”, as I call him or “The Silver Fox” as Jared Allen calls him, has the breakdown game that everyone has been expecting from the start where he throws 4 interceptions he would still be having an unreal season.

Thanksgiving and the subsequent break from work I received for it went pretty well. I ate a shit ton of turkey which does not sound at all appetizing. How much turkey? A shit ton? Fair enough. I followed that up with a fuck ton of biscuits, which sounds more appetizing the more you repeat it in your head. What is the difference between a shit ton and a fuck ton? It is relativity. A lot of people eat a lot of turkey. Turkey is the main dish and you are expected to eat anywhere from at least a little to eating a whole damn turkey and pissing off your relatives because turkeys take forever to cook and they will have to fill up on cranberry sauce and string beans instead of emeffin’ turkey.

A shit ton indicates that I indeed ate a lot of turkey. More turkey than what an average human being should or likely would eat. At some point, the majority of human beings would feel their stomach seizing in agony from all the turkey they had previously shoved into themselves and stopped shoving more turkey down their throat. But I am not most people. I write a blog about Kristen Stewart for fuck’s sake. So I pressed on and despite any injuries like the throbbing pain in my gut that I may have ate so much turkey it was now invading other organs in my body and mutating them into half human/half turkey organs I still ate more turkey. But again, it was Thanksgiving and I feel comfortable in my belief I was not the only one doing such things. If this was on a typical Tuesday then I would have upgraded from “shit ton” to “fuck ton” or been committed to a hospital for such high volume turkey eating without a holiday to justify it.

The fuck ton of biscuits is purposefully categorized as such because I do not believe as large of a group of the population gorges on biscuits in the same fashion I was. I ate a lot of mashed potatoes et cetera, but the biscuits were a sight. If the concept, the idea, the ethereal form of a biscuit ceased to exist today and there would be no biscuits or anything of the like from today onward until Kristen Stewart unmakes the world with her want during her inevitable young Hollywood starlet nervous breakdown – I would have had my fill this past Thursday. I ate enough biscuits on Thanksgiving that I satisfied any other sane person’s biscuit eating tally for the rest of their life. But I will eat more biscuits. There will always be more biscuits in my future. Unless everyone wants an apocalyptic scenario like in the movie 2012 where Earth is splitting in two and crumbling, there should be more biscuits in my future. You wouldn’t like me when I don’t have my biscuits.

Shit ton and fuck ton aside, I also saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox which you should all see. I also also saw a very sophisticated film that is/was much more enlightening and intelligent than that Twilight mess: Ninja Assassin. I am an adult and as an adult I would like to watch movies that are of an adult matter that I can relate to like ninjas. Seriously, high school vampire romance? I think you’re all a little too old to be watching such childish material. I, on the other hand, will sit at the adult table and discuss ninjas like the well educated man I play on TV. The movie was ok. Away We Go was also watched and was good and people should see it with their eyes.

There were 4 tweens standing inline in front of myself and my friend at the movies on our intellectual field trip to see said ninja movie. They, on the other hand, were going to see New Moon and they were all wearing “Team Jacob” t-shirts. I was going to write “they looked like screamers”, but that easily could be construed in a sexual manner and they looked anywhere between the ages of 13 and 14. Instead, I will rewrite what my publicist has written for me: “These young women below the legal age of consent appeared to be the type to exclaim loudly with joy and merriment when Taylor Lautner’s shirtless image is presented to them.”

I wonder if there is one truly clueless high school or junior high school principal in America who has no idea what Twilight is. Their school’s halls overrun by girl students in “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts. Struggling to understand this predicament, he makes a formal conclusion on the matter believing that the females have chosen sides over two male students at the school. Scared there will be a turf war cat fight that will tear the foundation of his school apart, he calls a meeting of the teachers. He addresses the teachers in the teachers’ lounge. Coffee mugs and donuts for everyone. Dark bags under his eyes from many restless sleepless nights agonizing over what to do.

“I’m sure you are all wondering why I called this emergency action meeting. I have a great deal of concern for our school and maybe out town’s future. I believe we are standing at the edge of the precipice. I believe there is something brewing in these halls. I hear the screams. I see their wild eyes. They are wearing uniforms. They have laid down the battle lines. They have chosen their sides. And I don’t know what will happen next, but I think it will be bad. Catastrophic even. In short, I am terrified for all of our safety.”

He loosens his tie and wipes sweat from his brow.

“We need to think of something. We need to think of something fast before this madness consumes all of us. At the very least, we need to think of a solution that will save us from losing the lives of this next generation of women. Who will be the mothers of this town tomorrow if we do not save these girls today? I beg you. I implore you. We need to stop this war between the factions of Team Jacob and Team Edward!”

The teachers are stunned into silence by this imbecile’s words. He takes this shock as his desired response. The horror that is Team Jacob vs. Team Edward has stolen their very words.

“I believe I have deduced correctly that Jacob is resident 10^th grade Jacob Razynski. He is the starting right middie of our varsity lacrosse team. Jacob was quite popular last year when he won the starting duties on our 6-4 lacrosse team during his freshman year. That was an unprecedented jump. No freshman in our school’s history had ever started on our varsity lacrosse team. I believe that the frenzy for his sophomore year effort on the team is what has caused these young women to choose him. As for Team Edward, I think we all know that can only be alluding to senior Edward Page.”

The stunned silence has now turned to an amusing calm at this stupidity or a tight lipped fury that this idiot is their boss. He is high on the attention and is pleased with his detective abilities.

“Edward Page Jr., better known as Teddy P, has successfully campaigned and been elected for class President every year while attending this high school. He vaulted into stardom when in his sophomore year he revolutionized the cafeteria by introducing a “make your own snow cone” machine. Between a record breaking Valentine’s Day heart shaped cookie bake sale and a generous donation from his father, Edward Page I Esquire, he single handedly changed this school forever. I, myself, eat at least one snow cone everyday. If I am having a particularly troubling morning I may indulge in a snow cone to lift my spirits, but on an average day I eat one in the afternoon. Generally around 2pm, I will make a blueberry, lemon, and cherry snow cone. It is two parts-

The principal notices a hand is raised: Andrew Starkey, 35, algebra teacher.

“Yes, Andrew. Do you have a quest-

“You’re a moron.”

“What? What did y-

“I said ‘you are a moron’. Teachers? Is he or is he not a moron?”

Some nod, some grumble yes, some emphatically repeat “he is a moron”.

“Jacob Razynski? Teddy P? Who the hell calls him Teddy P besides you? Jacob and Ed Page are not what those t-shirts are referring to you jackass. They are for Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. It is because of those stupid books and those stupid movies. My 12 year old and my 9 year old are absolutely obsessed with those dumb books. I think I’m going to snap if one of my daughters asks me again about my “immortal love” for their mother. I absolutely hate my wife right now because she brought those books and that movie into my home. I thin-

“I’m sorry to cut you off, but what movie and what books?”

“Twilight!?! There are commercials for the movie on TV all the time. New Moon? The kids in those movies are all over everything. Robert Pattinson? Taylor Lautner? And then there is the main girl Kristen Stewart.”

“Oh I know her. She wants it.”

All the teachers nod, grumble yes, and emphatically repeat “Kristen Stewart wants it”.

“Kristen Stewart does want it. You know, you’re not such a bad guy. I was wrong for calling you a moron. She does want it.”

“Well then now that we are all on the same side, why don’t we go get some snow cones? To Kristen Stewart! And her wanting it!”

– End Scene –

Outside of that, I went to a party on Saturday night. I did not know the majority of the people at the party nor did the friends I was there with. About half way through the party I am standing there talking to someone I did know when a friend of mine rushes up to me. He is red faced and his eyes are watering from laughing. He is almost out of “breadth”. He takes a moment and then begins an amazing set of rhetorical questions.

Do you remember the movie Independence Day?

Do you remember the part of the movie when they go to Area 51 to dissect the alien Will Smith caught?

Do you remember the main scientist?

The one who had the long hair, beard, glasses and was all cracked out?

He was the one who got thrown up against the glass and the alien used his tentacle wrapped around that guy’s throat to communicate with the Secret Service and the President played by Bill Pullman?

OF-FUCKING-COURSE I REMEMBER!

Look to your right.

BAM!

The guy standing 6 feet from me looked exactly like him! He didn’t look like Brent Spiner, but he looked like the fucking doctor character in Independence Day. As if that character had came to life and 13 years later was at a keg party in a basement standing 6 feet from me. That’s what that guy looked like. I immediately started laughing. After a minute I calmed down and went back to my original conversation. A couple minutes later, I was taking a sip of beer and turned to my right and the guy was standing right next to me.

I almost spit all the beer right in his face.

At the last second, my muscles caught my involuntary reaction of spitting the beer in his face and now I am choking on the beer. Choking on the beer leads me to almost throwing up on him or the wall next to him. But I stopped myself. And then I spent the rest of the night with acid reflux from the violent spit/choke/throw up/coughing fit. DAMN YOU OBSCURE MOVIE REFERENCES THAT COME TO LIFE!

Anyway, that was my Thanksgiving.