Before we start our journey together through the disturbing recesses of my mind, let us begin with a series of questions. You may answer these questions in your head or out loud. If you decide to actually vocalize your answers loud enough that others could possibly hear you, I have one suggestion: follow each answer by saying the word “over”. Doing this will eliminate any bad stigma of talking to yourself in public. Usually a person talking to themselves out and about in public indicates that they are “crazy” and/or “drunk”. If you use the word “over” after what you say a few times then people will deduce that you are simply talking on a hidden walkie-talkie. Using a discreet walkie-talkie is not crazy, just unusual. At the same time, these people will not hear the typical static driven walkie-talkie response and assume you are using an ear piece head set. This will lead them to believe you are considerate.
You can use this method of social blending-in anytime you want. If you are drunk and say something like, “No! You shut up, Papa Smurf!” on a crowded subway train. People will instantly judge you in a negative light because “normal” people do not have arguments with fictional children’s cartoon characters that you are now seeing and hearing because you drank 3/5’s of a bottle of 151. Where as if you said, “No! Over! You shut up, Papa Smurf! Over!” People will think you are having an argument with another person who is using the pretty cool callsign “Papa Smurf” and “Papa Smurf” just told you to shut up a second prior. Again, they will think you are a compassionate enough person to wear an ear piece to alleviate everyone from listening to Papa Smurf’s curse fueled retort. This could also be a nice conversation starter “who is ‘Papa Smurf’?” “what is your callsign?” “why do you have a callsign?” “are you carrying a banana in that pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
It is always preferable for people to believe you are talking on a walkie-talkie than most other things. It means you are not crazy and talking to yourself, you maybe have a cool callsign, you could be a secret agent, you at least do not use up all your cellphone minutes on meaningless calls, and you potentially have “back-up” on the way at all times. Regardless, onto the questions that may or may not be answered aloud:
1. What is your favorite professional NFL football team?
2. What was said NFL team doing on February 1, 2009?
If your answer for question 1 was any of the 30 NFL teams that are not the Arizona Cardinals or the Pittsburgh Steelers than your answer for question 2 was *ahem*:
FUCKING NOTHING! THEY WERE DOING NOT-A-FUCKING-THING! YOU KNOW WHY!?! BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS! BECAUSE THE SUPERBOWL WAS BEING PLAYED ON FEBRUARY 1ST AND THEY WEREN’T EVEN IN IT!
If your answer for question 1 was the Arizona Cardinals then your answer for question 2 should have been *ahem*:
The Arizona Cardinals were LOSING THE SUPERBOWL! THEY WERE LOSING ONE MORE GAME THAN ANY OTHER TEAM GOT THE CHANCE TO!
If your answer for question 1 was the Pittsburgh Steelers then your answer for question 2 should have been *ahem*:
WINNING THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPERBOWL WAS WHAT THEY WERE DOING!
Anyone who did answer the “Pittsburgh Steelers” can join me for the “Watching the Steelers lose is killing me and there are only two choices I have in life: drinking myself into a coma like a Man or crying with a whimpering lower lip while having my head rubbed by another man as if I was a sissy little girl aka Tim Tebow” cocktail after party. As terrible as it was to watch the Steelers lose on Sunday, it was that exquisite of an experience to watch Timmy Tebow cry on the sidelines on Saturday.
Oh how glorious it is! I know that there is a high percentage chance some of you may in fact like the University of Florida Gators and with that I DON’T FUCKING CARE! Sports exist in a world outside of friendships, family, and/or compassion for the common man or woman. Listen, I live in New Jersey and have lived here for years upon years. And because of this I have friends who are New York Yankees fans. I know people that I truly would say I “love” that person and would do anything I can to help them and those people are New York Yankees fans. Meanwhile
I HATE THE NEW YORK YANKEES!
You would think that would change our relationship, but it doesn’t. Why? Because sports is just another universe. It is something one can fully invest themselves into during the actual playing of said sport, but when the sport is over that universe can cease to exist. Sometimes it doesn’t, but it can and we can all go back to loving each other. So we can still be friends even if you are a Gators/Tebow fan, but you should know that I enjoy seeing him lose. Sure his evangelical Christian nature annoys me, but more than anything Timmy being with this girl for whatever period of time annoys me so much more.
Originally, I was planning on writing today’s post about MTV’s new reality show entitled Jersey Shore. I am sure you have heard about it considering it is getting a lot of buzz on these fair and unbiased interwebz. But if you have not seen the first two episodes I feel like I would like to afford you that opportunity to witness its sheer brilliance for yourselves before I unravel it like the Gordian Knot it is. You can either watch the show on your teevee or here:
New episodes are on at 10pm on Thursday. I may not be able to hold out long and end up writing about Jersey Shore tomorrow. So prepare yourselves accordingly. I will say one thing to preface my full review and to preface you watching the show or not and to preface any and all prejudice you may currently hold from just hearing about the show or from seeing any of the millions of commercials they have been running for the show:
THOSE IDIOTS ARE NOT FROM NEW JERSEY!
Actually, one of those idiots is from New Jersey. One of the girls, Sammi “Sweetheart”, is from Hazlet, New Jersey. Hazlet? Seriously? That is barely New Jersey to begin with. The rest of “those idiots” are from New York and one is from Rhode Island. Rhode Island!?! Yes, “that” Rhode Island. So when you watch the television show or see commercials for it or hear about it, remember that these people are not from Jersey although the show is called Jersey Shore. More than anything Jersey Shore shows what trash New Yorkers are as well and apparently Rhode Islanders.
I’m not saying that there are not plenty and I mean plenty of people like these idiots in New Jersey who are from New Jersey, but these idiots in particular are not from New Jersey. And that discussion is for later this week if not 24 hours from now. So what will today’s post be about?
Well, Kristen Stewart as a stripper.
So I got “called out” in the comments for not talking about the pictures of Welcome to the Rileys the second they came out last week. Jeez give me a break. I’m sorry that I didn’t mention 4 pictures of Kristen you’ve seen a million times in the past couple days while I was too busy explaining that Jude Law looks like he hits women and showed you the wonders of Coco’s ASS! That was not a sincere apology at all. Sure we all like/love Kristen Stewart et al, but Coco’s ass needed to be discussed. The fact that I had not written about Coco’s ass prior to last Friday disturbs me. I’m off my game. And you are all off your collective games by not saying “why the hell aren’t you talking about Coco’s ass?” everyday that I didn’t mention her ass.
Anyway, Kristen Stewart is a stripper nowadays… in a movie. Her acting career is going quite well, so she hasn’t turned to the pole to make her money… yet. Needless to say I am very excited for Welcome to the Rileys. Why? Whether or not we actually get to see Kristen naked (nipples and butt and such and not just her back), I think this role is infinitely better suited for her than “lonely woods girl” like in Twilight. Kristen’s want has no purpose sleeping in dirt in the forest by herself. Kristen’s want has so many purposes as a stripper/prostitute. Oh how many delicious purposes her want has in those roles.
So does Kristen Stewart want it? Still? Really?
Of-effing-course. Of course she does. Her want is going to be on full display in this movie not only because it always is, but because they’ll actually want her to WANT IT. In the movie it appears she wants it from James Gandolfini. For most actresses this would be an Oscar winning role because acting like you “want it” from Gandolfini is a miraculous task. They nominated Edie Falco for Emmys and Golden Globes every season of The Sopranos for acting like she wanted it from Gandolfini. No one wants it or should want it from James Gandolfini. There are some disturbed people in this world who want things, but they shouldn’t. Some people want to turn 12 year refugees into cannon fodder and AK-47 carrying killers for their African jungle turf wars and some people find James Gandolfini sexually attractive. It is wrong to want these things, but it can’t be helped.
Kristen Stewart’s want will be wildly useful in this movie. Strippers have to look like they want the customers. Or at least the better ones who take a modicum of pride in doing a good job do. They act interested, they act like they think you are cute or sexy, they act like you are funny, they act like what is poking them through your jeans is a Louisville Slugger and not a novelty key chain sized bat and at the end of the dance they act like they aren’t disgusted when they find you have a normal desk job and are not one of the young billionaire types who invented Facebook so you can realistically only pay for one dance and a modest tip instead of pay for their freedom and take them on lavish trips to Dubai. They have to act like they want it with an unflinching resolve and Kristen Stewart can do that. In fact, she does want it with an unflinching resolve and now she is going to burn the art houses at Sundance down with that want.
The plot does seem similar to a bunch of movies. There has been a rash of movies recently with the older man and young girl who just so happens to be a stripper fantasy plots. They also love to add that the guy wants nothing to do sexually with the girl, but he just wants to save/help her. Oh yeah and I fly a dragon to work everyday. He is green, spiky, 60 feet tall, breathes fire and likes to eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. His name is “Mr. Whiskers” because “Ferocior the Death Bringer” was already taken. Either way, I do like the casting of James Gandolfini to some degree. Well, I really like Gandolfini’s choice of going after this role. I’m not sure if he’ll be good in it or not, but I think there is a great opportunity for him to be good in it. Gandolfini does not have a huge acting range in my opinion, but inside that range he can be great. What is the secret to James Gandolfini’s character range?
If James Gandolfini is playing a character that realistically would have dirty fingers then he can be excellent in that role. Before The Sopranos, Gandolfini was a character actor. IMDB says that he had been in 20 projects prior to The Sopranos and he has been in a bunch of stuff since. The roles where I believe Gandolfini excels are in roles where his character would likely have dirty fingers. For instance, 8MM.
8MM is not for every one. It is a dark and disturbing movie. I think it is pretty good though. Gandolfini is great in his side role. His character makes porn movies and he bring in girls who want to be in the porn business and forces them to have sex with him in his office before he puts them in any of the movies. That guy has dirty fingers. Gandolfini was perfect for that role. Seriously, dirty fingers is what Gandolfini’s characters need.
Terminal Velocity, Gandolfini plays a Russian spy/hitman who poses as a friendly guy to Charlie Sheen, but ultimately tries to kill him. Russian? Liar? Killer? Friend of Charlie Sheen? DIRTY FINGERS! Gandolfini was good in that garbage movie. True Romance, Gandolfini plays a hitman for the mob who is tracking down Christian Slater and he is in an epic fight scene where he nearly beats Patricia Arquette to death. Mob hitman? Beats women? DIRTY FINGERS! And, again, he was great. Crimson Tide, Gandolfini plays a Navy submarine guy who sides with Gene Hackman over Denzel Washington. I’m not saying the Navy is dirty, but you can’t be “clean” if you’re living with 50 other dudes on a submarine for months on end. Also there is such an undercurrent of racism in that movie and racists have dirty fingers.
And, finally, The Sopranos! DIRTY FINGERS! Tony Soprano had dirty fucking fingers. I really loved the first season of The Sopranos and then started to dislike it with each additional episode they came out with until I flat out hated the show going into the final two seasons. Nevertheless, James Gandolfini was great on that show in the role they gave him and then for whatever reason decided to never let that character grow and/or change. He was great though, excellent even. Why? Tony had dirty fingers! Are you paying attention!?! He was killing people, he was always drinking at a strip club or hanging out at a butcher shop, he was eating meat cold cuts with his hands all the time, he was smoking cigars, he was firing guns, he was constantly having affairs, he was playing with horses later in the series, he was fat. And you know that Tony Soprano did not carry hand sanitizer with him. This is the key.
Maybe that should be my next site. “James Gandolfini has dirty fingers. He really does.” Brilliant! So I’m looking forward to this movie more than Kristen’s other projects.