February 2, 2011
Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.
What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?
A – Age?
B – Beauty?
C – Order I would have sex with them?
D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?
E – All, but A?
THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.
Um, hello? This is Kristen Stewart from Adventureland. I think the guy from KSWI is broken. Broken? Well, he’s posting the same post again. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. No. Nooooo. I wouldn’t do that a second time. No. Yes, on a horse. No in public. Ok. Thank you. Yes, I still want IT.
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!!!
Yeah, that’s a picture of a groundhog with a machine guy and a belt of ammo. I thought in an effort to celebrate Groundhog Day, I would write about the same celebrities I wrote about today, but obviously about different topics about them than I covered yesterday.
Also, I found that groundhog picture by typing into Google “groundhog motherfucker”. Among those pictures that populated was this…
I love this picture. This is Tookie Williams and he co-founded the national gang the Crips. Not many people on Earth have ever achieved a level of badassness that Tookie achieved in this picture and even fewer have ever exceeded it. I’m not exactly sure why a man this badass needed a gang considering he looks like a one man army in this picture, but I bet it must’ve been difficult getting dudes to not want to follow him like soldiers. Pretty much if you see a man riding on the back of a lion then you follow that man because he figured shit out.
This is Kristen Stewart’s reaction to the supposed storyline of the new Snow White movie. Ehhhhhh… let’s not and just say we did:
Disney’s live-action version of their famous Snow White has found a writer in Toy Story 3′s Michael Arndt and an intriguing set-up for the retelling: this version will take place in 19th Century China with the title Snow and the Seven.
Uhhhhhh…. Errrrrr….. Ummmmm….. puhhhh-lease…. Nooooooo.
19th Century China? That is “intriguing” because it is 100% random. Why 19th Century China? Why not I guess. Why not 14th Century South Africa? Why not the Paleolithic Period of Mesopotamia?
I was going to make a joke about “why not the Appalachian Trail?” and then I started thinking that might be exactly the place where this movie should take place. I want a meth head series of seven dwarfs in busted trailers. Snow White is actually an affluent Connecticut raised college Sophomore going to a Jesuit School also in the North East who is a member of Project Appalachia. And the villain is her plastic surgery having day drinking step-mother.
It is Clueless meets The Wild and Wonderful Whites.
The news arrives courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter, who say that the story involves an Englishwoman attending her father’s funeral in Hong Kong who then becomes targeted by her evil stepmother. In this version, the dwarves will be replaced with a “a rogue band of seven international warriors.”
Christ! Can’t a dwarf catch a break in this world?! Talk about a kick to the nuts of 7 legally dwarf actors trying to make it into Hollywood. I imagine the dwarf actors of the world were fucking PSYCHED to hear there was going to be a Snow White remake with some hot piece of tail playing Snow White. I mean they got royally screwed by Peter Jackson in all these Lord of the Rings movies. Sure, they are good enough to be used for the wide shots, but lord knows those stand-ins are not getting paid Elijah Wood money. Elijah Wood and Dominic Cooper wouldn’t start on 3rd grade traveling basketball team in Vietnam, but they’re not dwarf short.
Englishwoman? Just give the role to Emily Blunt or whatever already. I don’t want to hear Kristen doing an English accent.
Francis Lawrence (I Am Legend, Constantine) is still attached to direct and Natalie Portman has, apparently, expressed interest in starring, though her casting may now be complicated by the actress’ pregnancy.
I have NOTHING bad to say about Natalie Portman ever, but could she stick to playing Americans. I think it is funny that she is stealing British roles from British actresses like British actors are stealing American roles from American actors, but I like Natalie as Natalie and not Mary Poppins Natalie. Also, if Francis Lawrence is directing this movie plus the “rogue band of international warriors” line means this movie is going to be a horribly constructed action movie.
If we really wanted to get serious for a minute…
Selena Gomez as Snow White. Justin Bieber as the Prince. The two of them having a kiss on screen and duet-ing their way through the dialogue would legitimately sell ONE BILLION tickets.
Also, Justin Bieber could play all seven dwarves. All wearing a different colored oversized baseball hat to a different side.
WordPress keeps saying “dwarves” isn’t a word which is why I keep writing “dwarfs”.
Katherine Heigl is married and raising a special needs child she adopted from Korea.
So, yeah she should make better rom-coms.
I was already depressed with life knowing she is too famous and accomplished and internationally renowned too good looking for me, but she is actually a much better human being than me. So … I made breakfast without anyone’s help again today.
Apparently, this is the only photograph ever taken with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway where they both have their clothes on. Soak it in.
Last night, I was on a porn website “solving for X”. And on some of these porn websites they have a feature where they show you what other people are watching. At first, that sounds disgusting knowing that someone else is watching that video at this very second and answering algebra problems all over himself. But after a few visits, it starts to become like the Netflix rating system. The new Karate Kid movie got 3.5 stars? Maybe I do want to watch a guy have sex with a girl on a bus. Anyway, there was a video of the nude scenes from Love and Other Drugs compiled together in one seamless video.
I thought to myself, well I don’t need to click on that because I’ve already seen Anne Hathaway naked in two other movies. But then I noticed the video was 4 minutes long. That is a long time to be naked in a movie. So I clicked on the link. Basically, Anne Hathaway is naked in that whole movie. The whole movie. There may not be a single scene in the movie where she is not topless. That movie should have been called:
SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED!
or ANNE HATHAWAY IS NAKED SO BUY A TICKET!
or DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED? OF COURSE YOU DO, SO BUY A TICKET
or Love and Other Drugs and ANNE HATHAWAY BOOBS EVERYWHERE
God bless her. Then I started thinking that one other time I saw Anne Hathaway naked was in Brokeback Mountain and she was with Jake Gyllenhaal in that too.
Basically, Jake Gyllenhaal is the kryptonite to Anne Hathaway’s clothes. Or at the very least her shirt and bra. I bet seconds after the above picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s top disintegrated into dust in the wind.
Dear Christopher Nolan,
HIRE JAKE GYLLENHAAL! HIRE HIM! Have him play a bell boy or a street vendor or a cab driver or something. Have him in that damn Batman movie stat because if he is in it then we get Anne Hathaway boobies. Do you know what would have been better than Michell Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Returns? Michelle Pfeiffer naked as Catwoman in Batman Returns. That is an undeniable truth. That is truth talk. I’m talking truth here. And you know what would have really made Halle Berry’s Catwoman better? A plot. Also, her naked. Halle Berry naked would have made that movie an absolute classic. Do you remember the movie Swordfish? Do you remember anything that happened in that movie outside of Halle Berry showing her boobs in that movie? No. I’m guessing not. Quick question, was Vinnie Jones in Swordfish? Having trouble answering that question. Can’t remember if he is in it or not? Were Halle Berry’s nipples in that movie? Yeah, you knew the answer to that one. Vinnie Jones was in Swordfish, by the way.
In conclusion, getting Anne Hathaway naked does not require wine, roofies, a new car, wedding ring – it requires Jake Gyllenhaal. If you provide the Gyllenhaal then you will see her naked. That probably can be said about 90% of women, but you didn’t cast 90% of women.
Tom Hardy slept with another dude? Shocking. ^^^ This guy?
I’m just kidding Tom.
Seriously, though. Tom Hardy is supposed to be the lead for a Mad Max remake. I’m looking forward to that. I hope that still happens.
The Road Warrior is still an excellent action movie. I think people should see all three Mad Max movies, but if you could only see one The Road Warrior is the best. Beyond the Tunderdome is wild and out of control and just ludicrous and complete fun, but it isn’t as good of a movie. The original Mad Max is good for what it is and for how little money they spent and so forth, but The Road Warrior is out and out a better all around action extravaganza.
For whatever reason, I love post-apocalyptic movies that have the car chase scene through the desert wastelands. I love that idea.
A British Superman? *shrugs* It is funny that it is a British Superman, British Batman, and an American born, but British raised Spiderman. It doesn’t change things for me considering Superman isn’t real nor was he real, so who cares. The last Superman was American and was directed by an American and that movie sucked. This one will be directed by an American, being overseen by an American who most think is British and played by a Brit. But the better comparison is that, the first American director (Singer) had directed two superhero movies (X-Men and X-2), which I thought sucked. Meanwhile, this American director (Zack) has directed one official superhero movie (Watchmen), which I really enjoyed and he directed one un-official superhero movie (300 – it was a comic book movie at least) that was hella fun. The Overseer who is American (Nolan) directed two superhero movies (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight), which arguably the greatest movies to be created by a human being. So, I’m putting my money on them.
I will admit that I am worried about one thing with these Brits. There are about 60,000,000 Brits out there and they seem to be accounting for a third of the actors and so forth out there. At this rate, the Brits may overtake the Jews with the ridiculous ratio of “not many of them” to “they are in every movie and TV show” ratio. It is about all us Jews have, so stay off it you Brits.
Suck it, Redford.
A great looking guy born in Southern California who got a scholarship to college to play baseball only to have it taken away for drunkenness and then went to the Pratt Institute to study art then moved to Europe to live as a painter and then went to New York City to study as an actor then at 22 married an 18 year old girl named Lola Van Wagenen…
What I’m saying is that if Robert Redford died at 23 years old, he would have lived a better life than 99% of human beings who have ever walked this fucking Earth. Her name was fucking “Lola” “Van” something?! Unreal. Let alone this man did not die at 23. He kept living an amazing life all the way until this very stupid day.
Cry me a river, Redford.
Loved you in The Sting as well as all humans ever, so shut it.
February 1, 2011
Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.
What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?
A – Age?
B – Beauty?
C – Order I would have sex with them?
D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?
E – All, but A?
THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.
Uhhhh… what? Is he back? I want IT.
And I think at this point, if given the opportunity to have sex with Kristen Stewart then I think I have to take it. As well as all of you. I mean seriously. If you read or wrote or watched or talked about chocolate cupcakes for a year and a half straight and never actually ate a cupcake, but then had the opportunity to have sex with the maker of all cupcakes then you should fuck the cupcakes out of that cupcake man. Cupcake woman. Who made cupcakes?
That took a turn.
Minus fucking cupcake people, Kristen Stewart. Oh man, what if you got the chance to have sex with Kristen Stewart in a pile of cupcakes? Fuck! That is the storyline of the greatest fanfic ever! That was a lightning bolt to my brain and my testicles. Cupcakes and Kristen Stewart sex.
And it is clearly open to sequels… cupcake sex is open to slash as well. Cupcakes do not hold any prejudice about gay sex in the cupcake room.
What was I talking about?
Right! We were talking about Kristen Stewart being cool with red bearded guys getting drunk and handsy on them in public, which is great because I am red bearded …
Twitter and the Egyptian people of Egypt have been going nuts over this news that Kristen Stewart has been rumored to be up for the part of talking to the people making the move who are casting in their minds the idea of maybe having her read for the role in a hypothetical audition in the future the fantasy of Kristen Stewart as Snow White.
What do I think about this?
It could work. I’m not sure if any of you out there who read this delightful blog know, Kristen Stewart is in a series of movies where she plays more or less a doe eyed, alarmingly helpless, young woman, constantly in a state of distress and in need of rescue by a handsome heroic man. I’m pretty sure Bella could easily be taken out of the Pacific Northwest then put into these silly clothes above, surround her by dwarfs, tell her the Prince is a vampire and not much has changed. Snow White lives in the woods; Bella loves sleeping in the woods. Snow White instantly falls in love with some Prince she just meets; Bella is can’t get her panties off fast enough for the vampire in her science class.
They’re definitely going to alter the storyline for this movie, so why not have a scene where Kristen takes a blood soaked dagger and cuts away that long yellow dress down to a micro skirt and then takes to the castle for a showdown cat+knife fight with the Queen, which ends with Kristen getting her head smashed into the famous mirror where it shatters and Kristen with her face crimson red grabs a shard of glass and stabs the shit out of the Queen. I would like it.
That’s me. Whatever.
Good looking. I think it is a toss-up between Anne Hathaway and Katherine Heigl for me. But I wanted to group Tom and Anne together because their both in the Bat Man movie. Anyway, Katherine Heigl was in a movie called “Life As We Know It” and when I flew back from Saint Thomas over the weekend, the trailer for that movie played on a constant loop on the TV screen in front of me. I wasn’t about to pay $6 for Direct TV that flight. I have an iPod so I listened to music the whole flight, but I did catch myself staring at that trailer for quite a long time.
1. I could upload my pictures from my trip if you are at all curious about them.
2. Katherine Heigl is a good looking woman.
3. Katherine Heigl makes movies that make me want to jump off a bridge. Can she not be cast in something good? It seems like it was sheer asinine luck she got “Knocked Up”. Why isn’t she at least in one dramatic movie? Seriously, Kirsten Dunst is in a ton of dramas. Throw the Heigl in there. She seems poised to snap at any moment.
Oh hi Anne Hathaway. Is this how you hang out? Doesn’t seem comfortable, but who am I to judge?
Anne Hathaway seemingly was cast as Selina Kyle/Catwoman in the next Batman movie. I’m thoroughly unmoved by this. I have consistently said that Catwoman has to be in the new Batman movie. These two previous Batman movies feel like totally different movies and the third should feel like a totally different movie as well and one way to do that is to have a truly memorable female character in the movie as opposed to the other two. In the first two movies, Batman barely gets a kiss. His sex life is crazy boring and he is more or less a-sexual. They need to sex it up. Have him invigorated by Catwoman. Have a woman who is turned on by Bats and not the alluring down trodden rich playboy Bruce Wayne. Can Anne pull that off? That’s what she said and maybe.
Anne Hathaway has played some sexy roles, so she could be sexy. Can she be athletic and seen as a tough chick? I don’t know. Out of the 6 or so chicks they rumored, Anne is at least a much better choice than Blake Lively or Naomi Watts in my opinion. She at least has some nice luxurious dark long hair like Catwoman has in a lot of the comic books. Should be interesting.
Tom Hardy. He’s a good looking man and he has admitted to having sex with other men, so that’s why I would rather have sex with him than Henry Cavill. Experience and I never liked the show The Tudors, so I would probably have to lie to Cavill that I liked that show when we are having gay sex.
I was not at all surprised that Tom Hardy was cast as Bane.
I don’t know why others were. I guess if you only know Tom Hardy from Inception then you might wonder why he was cast to play an enormous professional wrestling sized villain, but…
This is also Tom Hardy. This is from the movie Bronson he made a couple years ago. If he can get back to that bulk then he’s perfectly fine for Bane. The only big difference is that Tom won’t be like 7 feet tall or whatever Bane is, but unless they’re casting Shaquille O’Neal then they’re not getting a 7 footer anyway.
I like Bane.
I like Catwoman.
Supposedly, there is no Two Face in this one, which I’m a little displeased with, but I have faith in the movie of course.
Henry Cavill is dashing.
As mentioned, I was not a fan of The Tudors, but I did watch the first couple seasons. Definitely the best part of the show (minus any nudity) was Henry Cavill. Henry here was cast as Superman in the new Superman movie directed by Zack Snyder and “overseen” by Christopher Nolan. I’m crazy excited for this movie. I am happy that Henry was cast over the Eye-talian sounding guy from True Blood. I’ve seen a few too many episodes of True Blood and not one of those people shows me any “acting” “talent”. So I was at least happy that some guy and not that guy from True Blood got it.
As for Cavill, I mean he has dark hair and is good looking and will get in great shape for the movie. Good for him. My faith in this movie has nothing to do with my thoughts on Henry though. I have enjoyed the hell out of everything Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan thus far and I plan to enjoy the hell out of this. I think Zack is going to make Superman a fucking bad ass. And he should. Superman is the baddest man on the planet – bar none. He is SUPER… MAN. The dude flies, shoots laser beams from his eyes, can punch holes through steel, is indestructible, and can basically bend all scientific laws to his will. If Zack can make a bunch of nekkid dudes in loin cloths the baddest action heroes in history then he can take the blue boy in tights and the red cape and make him the HERO he actually is.
I expect a bad guy.
I expect a real villain.
I expect a fight scene that will defy all limits of awesomeness.
I expect a couple more fight scenes that will do the same.
Robert Redford made an announcement…
He is swad.
“Swad” is sad, but said like a speech impediment having child in a Disney movie. “Swad”. Rwobert Rwedford is sooooo swad.
Apparently, Robbie feels disrespected that no one asks him to be in movies anymore. Apparently, Robbie only directs because no one will cast him in stuff, but he still wants to work, so he casts himself in the movies that he directs. Oh no! Robert Redford is swad because after 50 years of making movies people are not casting him the way people are casting the likes of youngins like Robert Pattinson. Oh noes! Screw Tunisia. Screw Egypt. Screw Yemen. Screw the world! There is a man, a man with millions of dollar and a 50 year career that is still on going who feels slighted because he is not in billion dollar movies anymore. This is a travesty.
Basically, I don’t care about Robert Redford and kind of think he needs to fuck off.
I just went over Red’s IMDB page and there are at least 10 or so movies he’s made that are great. At the same time, he hasn’t made a good movie since at least 1998. The Horse Whisperer came out in 98. I’m not a fan of the movie per say, but I won’t say it is a bad movie. It’s a good movie for what it is. But I probably would go back to 1993 or 1992 to when he made a good movie for me. Indecent Proposal is from 1993 and it is an ok movie. I think the premise is excellent. It’s not the best movie, but I can’t deny how captivating and alluring the movie’s premise was. It stole the attention of pop-culture for awhile and I definitely give it credit for that. But I never sit around thinking about Indecent Proposal or wanting to see it. He was the narrator for A River Runs Through It, which is a great movie. I don’t know if I’ll give him any “acting” credit for that. Instead, in 1992 he was in the movie Sneakers, which is a great movie. I actually re-watched that a month or two ago. Good flick. Redford is good in it. Sidney Portier is in it. River Phoenix is in it. Good flick. And it is from 19 years ago. Maybe that’s why no one casts Redford.
Or maybe he asks for too much money.
Or maybe he is a dick.
Or maybe he is a man who built a career around being a heartthrob and is now going to be 75 years old this year and the movie studios don’t think they can sell to the much younger movie goers of this world that they want to have sex with this…
And that’s why Robert Redford needs me in Hollywood.
I’ll sign my soul away to direct/write movies about 60+ year old protagonists (man or woman) who are sex symbols. Seriously, I got time on my hands.
October 14, 2010
I’ve done this before, so I’m doing it again.
I am taking the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo and I’m going to do two things to them:
1. Gentle kisses.
Actually, scratch that. I will do three things to them:
1. Gentle kisses.
2. Guess why they are trending without looking up why they are actually trending
3. Explain how Kristen Stewart would defeat them in a prison yard shivving contest.
But, before I do – I just wanted to mention that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is why you may be seeing more boobs than usual. Oh man, I hope you are seeing more boobs than usual. Honestly, who is really against that? Just seeing more boobs than usual? That’s like getting a little bit more on your paycheck than usual. And money can’t buy you happiness, but boobs can and boobs you can buy with money. Anyway, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, our planet’s President Barack Obama tweeted thus…
@BarackObama: In support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House will be lit pink tonight at 6:30.
That’s nice, but I wish “lit pink” was in quotes like “lit pink” because then I would imagine it was an innuendo for getting crazy sexy drunk. What are you doing tonight, Barack? I’m just having some people over and Michelle and I are planning on getting “lit pink” all night. I think Reggie Love is going to be on the 1′s and 2′s spinning it west coast gangsta’ from 11-4 in the morning.
1. David Arquette
I like Cougartown.
Boom! What’s up now? What the fuck is up now? Like is a strong word, but it definitely isn’t “I don’t like Cougartown” and it definitely isn’t “I never want to see another episode of Cougartown again in my life”. It is more so, “I love Modern Family and I never feel like I need to switch the channel after Modern Family is over because Cougartown ain’t a bad like Outsourced is.” Her ex-husband is funny and Busy Philipps could show up on my doorstep and say, “We’re married forever” and I wouldn’t question it ever. She was cool enough for Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks than she is cool enough for me. Plus boobs and all.
Anyway, I know David Arquette and Courteney Cox broke up. Supposedly, he is with some new young hot chick. Fair enough. I know two things immediately about Courteney Cox – 1. her name is Courteney and not Courtney. 2. We share the same birthday except she is 19 years older than me. She is a great looking lady and I want her and Jennifer Aniston to become a lesbian couple who occasionally have boy toys and then they film that for Showtime.
Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have to do too much. His only tie to the people’s attention in this world was his wife and now that is over. Next week, will begin the slow fade into obscurity… until Scream 4 comes out and then a month after that he’ll really fade into obscurity and as with all celebrities who lose the spotlight and the affection of the public, his cells will break down and his body will eventually turn to dust and be taken out with the wind. For Kristen, this is a passive waiting game. No sweat.
2. Storm Chasers
Is Twister playing on TNT or something? I think there is a TV show called Storm Chasers, so it could be about them… which ultimately was inspired by Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, their misfit crew featuring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, as well as evil tornado enthusiast Cary Elwes from the glorious movie Twister.
Not to sound too cynical, but I believe Kristen can wait this one out as well. There is probably a decent mortality rate in “storm chasing” if they are driving around in minivans trying to throw ping pong balls into a T-5 tornado like in the movies. I mean Cary Elwes died.
Kristen can probably wait until a towering cylinder of win that appear and disappear at undetermined time and have the power to tear buildings in half just unpredictably cuts right through this reality TV camera crew.
3. Deadliest Catch
Uhhhhh… so… Kristen… could… wait… this… one… out… too…
Isn’t this whole show about being the most dangerous job in the world outside of “bomb maker with tourettes” or “Naomi Campbell’s assistant”? I don’t think Kristen really needs to get involved here. They are running the risk on their own survival at all points in time and every time they do survive we are fed with delicious crab. Kristen can just set-up an egg timer and wait this out. Hit the snooze button until it is all over.
I saw an article on Yahoo entitled “Why can’t we find a McRib?” or something similar. That is what we call one of those “good” problems. Why would you want to find a McRib? I never thought people were looking for them. If a McRib is in closer proximity to you then you are slowing dying anyway. It’s like second smoke or carbon monoxide poisoning or watching Rachel Zoe Project – it is destroying you from the inside out whether you know it or not and whether you actively participate in it or not.
If Kristen Stewart eats a McRib she dies. Let’s just get that straight. Let’s get the bad news out of the way and say that if Kristen Stewart is exposed to a McRib for longer than an hour she will die. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart? She weighs nothing. Her weight is so insignificant that you would have to get multiples of her and weigh them and then divide that by how many multiples you had to get the weight of one Kristen Stewart – you know like how you do with a penny. If I ate a McRib it would render me useless for at least the next 24 – 36 hours. But it probably wouldn’t kill me. It would certainly take years off my life, but at the same time my belly fat will absorb the McRib like the “Borg” from Star Trek and assimilate this horribleness with the rest of the horribleness that will eventually kill me later. But I would survive it. Like 85% chance I would survive eating it. Meanwhile, Kristen has none of that, so the McRib would attack her full force rendering her into a coma she would never awake from maybe two bites in.
To defeat the McRib – well, first thing first, it is not a waiting game in this one. A McRib will last forever. It will change shape and color, but the potency of the molecular evil that is in this composite commercially produced sandwich will never dissipate. Kristen will need to obliterate the McRib immediately. She will only have one chance at this. Once the two are put into the same area to begin their battle for supremacy, every second that passes that Kristen doesn’t blow up the McRib with a want blast then the McRib’s fumes will begin their course of action in toppling the mighty K-Stew. I would suggest a clothespin for her nose and sunglasses for her eyes and wearing a full bomb blast body armor out of The Hurt Locker and ramp up her want to 9000 and blast that fucker into the stratosphere.
5. 50 Cent Rhino
First off, yes.
I read about this before, a rhinoceros was shot 9 times by poachers and survived. Now wildlife people want 50 Cent to adopt it to continue to save its life and because he was shot 9 times and survived. Yes, I want this to happen. I want pictures of 50 Cent and a Rhino 50 Cent.
Kristen ain’t killing this. If anything I believe that celebrities like Kristen Stewart should begin adopting wildlife like rhinos because why not and they should peer pressure 50 Cent into buying his own rhino army. Have you seen that man’s twitter page? Besides a middle school English teacher, that man needs a rhino army stat.
Stand down, Kristen.
6. Katherine Heigl
Hopefully, this is an announcement by Katherine Heigl to start making what people in business call “good” movies. That would be cool. She has been apart of a few good movies like Knocked Up, 100 Girls, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, My Father the Hero and all 10,000 of those day dreams of us living happily together after I saw My Father the Hero when I was 11 – just to name a few. There is a chance she could go back to making good movies again.
Do not be mistaken, Katherine Heigl is a formidable opponent. She has all the traits of a well deserving adversary – she looks good in a bikini, she … that’s really enough right there. I mean when talking about why Hank Aaron is such a great baseball player, saying he hit 755 homeruns is really all you need to say. He was great outside of that as well, but that is perfectly acceptable. I know I’m not alone on this, but Katherine Heigl is really good looking and she can do comedy, so I’m rooting for her to get back into making movies that I don’t feel shameful in seeing.
Preferably, Kristen Stewart would defeat Katherine Heigl via kissing her to death. Or at the very least, kissing her until she submits then Kristen would kiss her some more just for giggles.
7. Leonardo DiCaprio
More like DiCrapio, amirite? I bet all the boys at school called him that while DiCaprio was off finger-blasting their moms. Just a good ole’ finger-blasting. I did write “making out” first, but finger-blasting is just funnier. Also, I enjoy the fact I feel like classing up the joint, but adding the hyphen in there like I’m using the Queen’s English to type out “finger-blasting”.
I honestly was curious as to why Leo is in the news trending. It appears people are now realizing that he is going to be J. Edgar Hoover in a movie called Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood. Sounds very promising. That was announced a while ago, but I don’t expect people to stalk the IMDB page of EVERYONE like I do. Anyway, I was curious about Leo being in the news because Christopher Nolan directed Leo in Inception, which Chris Nolan directed, Nolan also directs the Batman movies, Nolan just announced that Tom Hardy who was in Inception will be in the next Batman movie… so… maybe… Leo… would… be… in… the… new… Batman… but… no.
I don’t want Kristen Stewart to destroy Leonardo DiCaprio because he is making movies I am enjoying nowadays. Well, if there is a way that if Kristen Stewart us unleashed like a Sentinel from X-Men and hunts down Leonardo DiCaprio and kills him with optic blasts and sheer metallic power and then gives Leo’s girl/swimsuit supermodel Bar Refeali an ultimatum that she is to track me down and make me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of our days together (we’re both Jewish, it could work) then she should get on killing Leo already! Outside of that, let the man live so he can continue making good movies.
As for Tom Hardy, I’m excited he is in the new Batman movie. I think he could easily be the new villain. I’m not sure who he should be, but I think he gives a full force performance in whatever role he is given. Also, he is known to physically transform himself for a role like he did in Bronson and like what he was preparing to do for Mad Max. A lot of people assume “the Riddler” will be the next villain. I am a fan of the Riddler and Tom Hardy could definitely be the Riddler (why not). There are a few ideas that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the new Batman movie (all or some would be great): Batman being chased by the police, Catwoman, Two Face dispensing his own justice.
The end of The Dark Knight has Batman starting to be the focus of the police that they need to catch him as an outlaw. That is a great theme in the comic books. He is not a loved man in Gotham. He is a marked man that is a vigilante who needs to be stopped whether or not what he is doing is right or not. He is terrorist in the purest definition of the word. I like that idea. I like that Batman is an anti-hero. Bad guys are in awe of Superman, but they fear Batman. As for Catwoman, there is no female character going into this 3rd movie. And there really hasn’t been any solid female characters in the other 2 (Maggie and Katie were peripheral at best). A strong and sexy opposition for Batman could be great. In these two past movies, Katie/Maggie could have been in love with Bruce, but not Batman. Catwoman wants Batman and not Bruce Wayne. That is interesting and would set this movie a part from the others. Thirdly, I would like to see Two Face back and that funeral at the end of The Dark Knight was a cover-up for Harvey Dent still being alive and being stuffed somewhere in Arkham, but he escapes and is now judging people with the flip of a coin and the trigger of a gun.
I’m so excited for Batman, can you tell?
8. Busch Gardens Coaster
A new roller coaster at Busch Gardens? Get all those people who are eating McRibs to jump on the coaster at once and pretty sure that would kill that thing forever. Easy peasy.
Or Kristen Stewart could get a monkey wrench and take that bitch apart. I heard she used to play with erectorsets when she was a kid, I’m sure that knowledge will transfer. What? You doubt Kristen Stewart’s engineering skills? And you call yourself fans. Pffftttt…
9. Alien Prequel
Why the fuck not? Some people may think that an Alien prequel would be bad because it could hurt the franchise’s integrity. Those people didn’t see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection. Those movies were not good. Good directors and good actors and still bad movies. Crazy, right? It is a lot harder to make a good movie than people think I suppose. Plus those Alien vs. Predator movies didn’t help anything or anybody. But they should try again with a good director and good actors. The alien from Alien is one of the more memorable creations in cinematic history, so why not go for it.
Supposedly, Natalie Portman is in talks for the movie. I guess to play a younger Sigourney Weaver/Ripley. Makes sense. Natalie is gorgeous, great actress, and she looks good bald. Like really good bald. Like so really good, I should be saying great. Anyway, I’m a fan of Natalie as mentioned yesterday, so I’m all for it. The more movies with Natalie Portman the better. I have rarely heard a rumor of her being in a movie where I wasn’t completely for it. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – fucking for it! Supposedly, that movie might not happen anymore, but that movie would have been good with Natalie Portman in it.
As for Kristen and Portman doing battle, see item #6 with Katherine Heigl. Kissing contest to the death. I don’t think either would lose. It would just go on forever warming the spirit of humanity and serving as an endless light we should all strive for when creating policy in this great democracy of ours ala John F. Kennedy’s “eternal flame”.
Seriously, how many other blogs have the courage out there to compare two girls kissing to the presidential memorial gravesite in Washington D.C. of our 35th President?
Answer: not enough
Also, Natalie and I would work. I’m Jewish, funny, kind-hearted, and she has terrible taste in men.
10. Matt Damon
Matt Damon needs to be stopped!
Not really. He’s ok in my books. He makes good movies and bad movies and doesn’t seem to be a prick about it. I think he would honestly like that assessment of him. Also, I’m glad he is giving up on the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best that movie is going to get. There is no need to keep going with it just because. Let someone else take the it and run it into the ground. Identity was good, Supremacy was a let down and Ultimatum rocked. That is good enough. You can make other movies.
I would like to see him make a comedy that does not have Steven Soderbergh as the director or some Soderbergh disciple. There are a few directors that I think could really use Damon well in a comedy – namely Judd Apatow or Adam McKay. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Ben Affleck and him reteaming for a comedy that maybe they write. It could be semi-autobiographical – it could be about two famous actors who are adversaries or become adversaries.
As for Kristen Stewart defeating Matt Damon? Well, he has had a lot of training for all these action movies, but really *hand job motion* come on – they’re actors, how tough could they be? If she could lure Matt Damon with her lip biting and sexy stare to a room that locks from the outside and once she locks him inside that room she starts a screening for Matt of his movie The Informant! and let’s the movie play on repeat – I’m sure he’ll have killed himself by the opening credits of the third time.
And that’s how we play the Kristen Stewart kills the Top 10 List GAME!!!!!
Questions for Friday!?!