May 17, 2010
Monday morning! WOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOHHHHHH! Don’t you just love the way that rolls off your tongue*? Monday morning? MONDAY MORNING! Monday. Monday! Monday? Mun-day? Mun? MUN! Muh-Nuh! DAY. Monday? Moon-day. Moon-day? Moon-day! Moon! MOON! The Moon’s day? I have a conspiracy theory:
Mondays are in fact the “Moon’s” day. We as a planet are lethargic, cranky, slow, sore and half awake on Mondays. It is a natural response from our typical binge drinking and strip club frequenting weekends. Also, the call back to the working world. The call back to the office or cubicle or paper route. The old familiar computer chair or bicycle seat. We under perform on Mondays. We would be easily bested in a physical competition on a Monday. This is where the alien abductions come into play.
The inhabitants of the Moon, the Moonians, make the starry lit voyage to Earth and capture human beings to perform sexual experiments on them. They choose Mondays because our guard is down. We’re all barely making it through the day as is. We barely have enough strength to get to work or even pull ourselves out of bed before noon if you happen to be unemployed. I would bet all the Monopoly property I own that all alien abductions happen on Moon-days through out the year. Maybe not all. But most of them. I can’t account for some drunk aliens sexualizing on some humans on Thursday because they’re too messed up to read a calendar. We’re talking about all four railroad squares and some low income housing on Baltic!
Why sexual experiments? Well, that’s easy – we’re fucking hot. Have you see human beings before? We’re some sexy motherfuckers that walk this planet. And we’re not hiding it neither. Just a whole lot of sexy bitches strutting their shit out there. I’m talking male and female! Sexiness can reach a point where there is just no other phrase to utter under your breath when someone that sexy with a penis or with a vagina or, in some areas of LA and NYC and Barcelona, both walks by. Imagine it is 1990 and you just finished seeing the classic piece of cinema Gleaming the Cube on VHS. A minute later, Christian Slater walks by. Too in awe to say anything, he walks past without interaction expect for a wink he gives you when you two meet eyes. A few seconds later, “he is one sexy bitch” would be the only reaction necessary to sum up meeting late-80′s early-90′s Christian Slater. Or if it was 1956 and you are smoking a wooden pipe and walking out of a theater after seeing The Searchers aka Maybe The Greatest Thing You Could Do For Two Hours Outside Of Scarlett Johansson. While you’re standing there going through a box of matches to light your pretentious pipe, Natalie Wood walks by. Her beauty is so striking that you hold your smokey lungs breath in until she passes. And when she is gone you whisper “That is a sexy bitch.” Then you would probably follow that up with, “And I’m going out on a limb on this one, but this Vietnam stuff in the news is completely overblown. I doubt we’ll even remember Vietnam a year from now. Mark my words.”
So, watch out. If you’re looking extra good today or any other Monday, the Moonians will probably snatch your sexy bitchass. But this only affects Americans. Did I forget to mention that? See Moonians are a lot like Puerto Ricans. They have feisty attitudes, hate being called Mexicans, and they root for the Mets. Also, they are contractually a part of the United States of Amer-greatest country ever-ica, but they have pretty much no say in whatever we do. Remember we did stick a flag in the Moon*, and that shit is legit. You stick a flag into something* then it is yours. Or at least it feels like it is yours until you find someone else sticking a flag into it. Whore! Sorry about that… I digress.
Moon-day is most likely an interplanetary conspiracy for aliens to chloroform and then touch the butts of sexy bitches on Earth.
Or we could turn Moon-day on its head and RECAPTURE it. We should all “moon” each other on Mondays. Just moon the hell out of each other. I’m not talking about plumber’s crack. I’m talking about full on ass directed at another person. And what should you do to respond to someone mooning you on a Monday? First, acknowledgment: Hey, great ass! Then you respond by mooning them back. That could become the handshake of Mondays.
Of course, if someone moons you on a Thursday, call the cops.
Go out there and moon someone! Moon someone for Moon-day. Let’s take back the night from interplanetary molestation and moon each other. In an effort of solidarity, all countries should get involved. Can’t you just imagine hearing all those unintelligible foreign languages talking about each other having a great ass. Tu tengas una grande whatever “ass” is. I’m no Spanish teacher. Also, as a Spanish teacher it would be improper to teach “ass” to my students.
So it is Monday. Which usually means that Sunday was yesterday. Get it? Sunday then MOON-day! I AM NOT WRONG ABOUT THIS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Anyway, Sunday night is a great night for television. Just as this is a great transition for what I was intending to write about today: HBO’s Treme. I wrote a lot about the Moon, butts, and the movie Gleaming the Cube. I was going to write about Treme and how much I and Dawgz enjoy Treme to set up this glorious video clip, but now I’m not. I don’t think any of you really need a setup to any of the madness that this website gives unto you. If you made it through the Moon butt stuff then watch this video.
And pass it onto anyone you know who watches the Treme. Also, you may want to subscribe to the Arnold Brumark youtube channel. I believe more videos should be debuting there on a semi-regular basis. Also Clarke Peters, Wendell Pierce and Steve Zahn are magnificent on Treme. As magnificent as that video of Dawgz singing the Treme title song like he was Louis Armstrong for no apparent reason.