Kristen Stewart Does Battle with Yahoo!’s Top 10

I’ve done this before, so I’m doing it again.

I am taking the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo and I’m going to do two things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

Actually, scratch that. I will do three things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

2. Guess why they are trending without looking up why they are actually trending

3. Explain how Kristen Stewart would defeat them in a prison yard shivving contest.

But, before I do – I just wanted to mention that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is why you may be seeing more boobs than usual. Oh man, I hope you are seeing more boobs than usual. Honestly, who is really against that? Just seeing more boobs than usual? That’s like getting a little bit more on your paycheck than usual. And money can’t buy you happiness, but boobs can and boobs you can buy with money. Anyway, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, our planet’s President Barack Obama tweeted thus…

@BarackObama: In support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House will be lit pink tonight at 6:30.

That’s nice, but I wish “lit pink” was in quotes like “lit pink” because then I would imagine it was an innuendo for getting crazy sexy drunk. What are you doing tonight, Barack? I’m just having some people over and Michelle and I are planning on getting “lit pink” all night. I think Reggie Love is going to be on the 1′s and 2′s spinning it west coast gangsta’ from 11-4 in the morning.

1. David Arquette

I like Cougartown.

Boom! What’s up now? What the fuck is up now? Like is a strong word, but it definitely isn’t “I don’t like Cougartown” and it definitely isn’t “I never want to see another episode of Cougartown again in my life”. It is more so, “I love Modern Family and I never feel like I need to switch the channel after Modern Family is over because Cougartown ain’t a bad like Outsourced is.” Her ex-husband is funny and Busy Philipps could show up on my doorstep and say, “We’re married forever” and I wouldn’t question it ever. She was cool enough for Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks than she is cool enough for me. Plus boobs and all.

Anyway, I know David Arquette and Courteney Cox broke up. Supposedly, he is with some new young hot chick. Fair enough. I know two things immediately about Courteney Cox – 1. her name is Courteney and not Courtney. 2. We share the same birthday except she is 19 years older than me. She is a great looking lady and I want her and Jennifer Aniston to become a lesbian couple who occasionally have boy toys and then they film that for Showtime.

Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have to do too much. His only tie to the people’s attention in this world was his wife and now that is over. Next week, will begin the slow fade into obscurity… until Scream 4 comes out and then a month after that he’ll really fade into obscurity and as with all celebrities who lose the spotlight and the affection of the public, his cells will break down and his body will eventually turn to dust and be taken out with the wind. For Kristen, this is a passive waiting game. No sweat.

2. Storm Chasers

Is Twister playing on TNT or something? I think there is a TV show called Storm Chasers, so it could be about them… which ultimately was inspired by Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, their misfit crew featuring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, as well as evil tornado enthusiast Cary Elwes from the glorious movie Twister.

Not to sound too cynical, but I believe Kristen can wait this one out as well. There is probably a decent mortality rate in “storm chasing” if they are driving around in minivans trying to throw ping pong balls into a T-5 tornado like in the movies. I mean Cary Elwes died.

Kristen can probably wait until a towering cylinder of win that appear and disappear at undetermined time and have the power to tear buildings in half just unpredictably cuts right through this reality TV camera crew.

3. Deadliest Catch

Uhhhhh… so… Kristen… could… wait… this… one… out… too…

Isn’t this whole show about being the most dangerous job in the world outside of “bomb maker with tourettes” or “Naomi Campbell’s assistant”? I don’t think Kristen really needs to get involved here. They are running the risk on their own survival at all points in time and every time they do survive we are fed with delicious crab. Kristen can just set-up an egg timer and wait this out. Hit the snooze button until it is all over.

4. McRib

I saw an article on Yahoo entitled “Why can’t we find a McRib?” or something similar. That is what we call one of those “good” problems. Why would you want to find a McRib? I never thought people were looking for them. If a McRib is in closer proximity to you then you are slowing dying anyway. It’s like second smoke or carbon monoxide poisoning or watching Rachel Zoe Project – it is destroying you from the inside out whether you know it or not and whether you actively participate in it or not.

If Kristen Stewart eats a McRib she dies. Let’s just get that straight. Let’s get the bad news out of the way and say that if Kristen Stewart is exposed to a McRib for longer than an hour she will die. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart? She weighs nothing. Her weight is so insignificant that you would have to get multiples of her and weigh them and then divide that by how many multiples you had to get the weight of one Kristen Stewart – you know like how you do with a penny. If I ate a McRib it would render me useless for at least the next 24 – 36 hours. But it probably wouldn’t kill me. It would certainly take years off my life, but at the same time my belly fat will absorb the McRib like the “Borg” from Star Trek and assimilate this horribleness with the rest of the horribleness that will eventually kill me later. But I would survive it. Like 85% chance I would survive eating it. Meanwhile, Kristen has none of that, so the McRib would attack her full force rendering her into a coma she would never awake from maybe two bites in.

To defeat the McRib – well, first thing first, it is not a waiting game in this one. A McRib will last forever. It will change shape and color, but the potency of the molecular evil that is in this composite commercially produced sandwich will never dissipate. Kristen will need to obliterate the McRib immediately. She will only have one chance at this. Once the two are put into the same area to begin their battle for supremacy, every second that passes that Kristen doesn’t blow up the McRib with a want blast then the McRib’s fumes will begin their course of action in toppling the mighty K-Stew. I would suggest a clothespin for her nose and sunglasses for her eyes and wearing a full bomb blast body armor out of The Hurt Locker and ramp up her want to 9000 and blast that fucker into the stratosphere.

5. 50 Cent Rhino

First off, yes.

I read about this before, a rhinoceros was shot 9 times by poachers and survived. Now wildlife people want 50 Cent to adopt it to continue to save its life and because he was shot 9 times and survived. Yes, I want this to happen. I want pictures of 50 Cent and a Rhino 50 Cent.

Kristen ain’t killing this. If anything I believe that celebrities like Kristen Stewart should begin adopting wildlife like rhinos because why not and they should peer pressure 50 Cent into buying his own rhino army. Have you seen that man’s twitter page? Besides a middle school English teacher, that man needs a rhino army stat.

Stand down, Kristen.

6. Katherine Heigl

Hopefully, this is an announcement by Katherine Heigl to start making what people in business call “good” movies. That would be cool. She has been apart of a few good movies like Knocked Up, 100 Girls, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, My Father the Hero and all 10,000 of those day dreams of us living happily together after I saw My Father the Hero when I was 11 – just to name a few. There is a chance she could go back to making good movies again.

Do not be mistaken, Katherine Heigl is a formidable opponent. She has all the traits of a well deserving adversary – she looks good in a bikini, she … that’s really enough right there. I mean when talking about why Hank Aaron is such a great baseball player, saying he hit 755 homeruns is really all you need to say. He was great outside of that as well, but that is perfectly acceptable. I know I’m not alone on this, but Katherine Heigl is really good looking and she can do comedy, so I’m rooting for her to get back into making movies that I don’t feel shameful in seeing.

Preferably, Kristen Stewart would defeat Katherine Heigl via kissing her to death. Or at the very least, kissing her until she submits then Kristen would kiss her some more just for giggles.

7. Leonardo DiCaprio

More like DiCrapio, amirite? I bet all the boys at school called him that while DiCaprio was off finger-blasting their moms. Just a good ole’ finger-blasting. I did write “making out” first, but finger-blasting is just funnier. Also, I enjoy the fact I feel like classing up the joint, but adding the hyphen in there like I’m using the Queen’s English to type out “finger-blasting”.

I honestly was curious as to why Leo is in the news trending. It appears people are now realizing that he is going to be J. Edgar Hoover in a movie called Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood. Sounds very promising. That was announced a while ago, but I don’t expect people to stalk the IMDB page of EVERYONE like I do. Anyway, I was curious about Leo being in the news because Christopher Nolan directed Leo in Inception, which Chris Nolan directed, Nolan also directs the Batman movies, Nolan just announced that Tom Hardy who was in Inception will be in the next Batman movie… so… maybe… Leo… would… be… in… the… new… Batman… but… no.

I don’t want Kristen Stewart to destroy Leonardo DiCaprio because he is making movies I am enjoying nowadays. Well, if there is a way that if Kristen Stewart us unleashed like a Sentinel from X-Men and hunts down Leonardo DiCaprio and kills him with optic blasts and sheer metallic power and then gives Leo’s girl/swimsuit supermodel Bar Refeali an ultimatum that she is to track me down and make me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of our days together (we’re both Jewish, it could work) then she should get on killing Leo already! Outside of that, let the man live so he can continue making good movies.

As for Tom Hardy, I’m excited he is in the new Batman movie. I think he could easily be the new villain. I’m not sure who he should be, but I think he gives a full force performance in whatever role he is given. Also, he is known to physically transform himself for a role like he did in Bronson and like what he was preparing to do for Mad Max. A lot of people assume “the Riddler” will be the next villain. I am a fan of the Riddler and Tom Hardy could definitely be the Riddler (why not). There are a few ideas that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the new Batman movie (all or some would be great): Batman being chased by the police, Catwoman, Two Face dispensing his own justice.

The end of The Dark Knight has Batman starting to be the focus of the police that they need to catch him as an outlaw. That is a great theme in the comic books. He is not a loved man in Gotham. He is a marked man that is a vigilante who needs to be stopped whether or not what he is doing is right or not. He is terrorist in the purest definition of the word. I like that idea. I like that Batman is an anti-hero. Bad guys are in awe of Superman, but they fear Batman. As for Catwoman, there is no female character going into this 3rd movie. And there really hasn’t been any solid female characters in the other 2 (Maggie and Katie were peripheral at best). A strong and sexy opposition for Batman could be great. In these two past movies, Katie/Maggie could have been in love with Bruce, but not Batman. Catwoman wants Batman and not Bruce Wayne. That is interesting and would set this movie a part from the others. Thirdly, I would like to see Two Face back and that funeral at the end of The Dark Knight was a cover-up for Harvey Dent still being alive and being stuffed somewhere in Arkham, but he escapes and is now judging people with the flip of a coin and the trigger of a gun.

I’m so excited for Batman, can you tell?

8. Busch Gardens Coaster

A new roller coaster at Busch Gardens? Get all those people who are eating McRibs to jump on the coaster at once and pretty sure that would kill that thing forever. Easy peasy.

Or Kristen Stewart could get a monkey wrench and take that bitch apart. I heard she used to play with erectorsets when she was a kid, I’m sure that knowledge will transfer. What? You doubt Kristen Stewart’s engineering skills? And you call yourself fans. Pffftttt…

9. Alien Prequel

Why the fuck not? Some people may think that an Alien prequel would be bad because it could hurt the franchise’s integrity. Those people didn’t see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection. Those movies were not good. Good directors and good actors and still bad movies. Crazy, right? It is a lot harder to make a good movie than people think I suppose. Plus those Alien vs. Predator movies didn’t help anything or anybody. But they should try again with a good director and good actors. The alien from Alien is one of the more memorable creations in cinematic history, so why not go for it.

Supposedly, Natalie Portman is in talks for the movie. I guess to play a younger Sigourney Weaver/Ripley. Makes sense. Natalie is gorgeous, great actress, and she looks good bald. Like really good bald. Like so really good, I should be saying great. Anyway, I’m a fan of Natalie as mentioned yesterday, so I’m all for it. The more movies with Natalie Portman the better. I have rarely heard a rumor of her being in a movie where I wasn’t completely for it. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – fucking for it! Supposedly, that movie might not happen anymore, but that movie would have been good with Natalie Portman in it.

As for Kristen and Portman doing battle, see item #6 with Katherine Heigl. Kissing contest to the death. I don’t think either would lose. It would just go on forever warming the spirit of humanity and serving as an endless light we should all strive for when creating policy in this great democracy of ours ala John F. Kennedy’s “eternal flame”.

Seriously, how many other blogs have the courage out there to compare two girls kissing to the presidential memorial gravesite in Washington D.C. of our 35th President?

Answer: not enough

Also, Natalie and I would work. I’m Jewish, funny, kind-hearted, and she has terrible taste in men.

10. Matt Damon

Matt Damon needs to be stopped!

Not really. He’s ok in my books. He makes good movies and bad movies and doesn’t seem to be a prick about it. I think he would honestly like that assessment of him. Also, I’m glad he is giving up on the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best that movie is going to get. There is no need to keep going with it just because. Let someone else take the it and run it into the ground. Identity was good, Supremacy was a let down and Ultimatum rocked. That is good enough. You can make other movies.

I would like to see him make a comedy that does not have Steven Soderbergh as the director or some Soderbergh disciple. There are a few directors that I think could really use Damon well in a comedy – namely Judd Apatow or Adam McKay. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Ben Affleck and him reteaming for a comedy that maybe they write. It could be semi-autobiographical – it could be about two famous actors who are adversaries or become adversaries.

As for Kristen Stewart defeating Matt Damon? Well, he has had a lot of training for all these action movies, but really *hand job motion* come on – they’re actors, how tough could they be? If she could lure Matt Damon with her lip biting and sexy stare to a room that locks from the outside and once she locks him inside that room she starts a screening for Matt of his movie The Informant! and let’s the movie play on repeat – I’m sure he’ll have killed himself by the opening credits of the third time.

And that’s how we play the Kristen Stewart kills the Top 10 List GAME!!!!!

Questions for Friday!?!

Winning The Hearts And Minds Everyday

First and foremost, great job Cledbo.

Second, http://www.asylum.com/2010/05/12/weirdest-fitness-products-at-arnold-schwarzenegger-sports-fest-expo/

Go to this website and see me in video form with Dawgz. You can hear us talk, you can see us move, Arnold Schwarzenegger is there and so is Snooki. Just click on the link, watch the videos, and comment – PLEASE! I ask for very little outside of you coming to KSWI everyday and commenting obsessively and sending me bikini pictures. So just do this for me and make these videos the most popular videos of all time. Thanks.

That is for the benefit for all humankind and, especially, the ones without twitter. I posted the link on twitter yesterday. I twitted it. So for all of you who don’t twit twit. You all are not down with twit twit. For the ones who are not down with the twit twit. The twit twit. I’m singing this in falsetto like Jason Derulo. The twit twit. Talking ’bout the twit twit. The world of twit twitting to others. Prostituting my links to others on twit twit. On twit twit! Just talking ’bout my twit twit … account. Just talking ’bout my twit twit(!)… account. You are my unforgiving mistress! Oh twit twit! Just talking ’bout that twit twit. Give me some of that twit twit. Typing on my twit twit. Snacking on some twit twit. Quenching my thirst with some twit twit. Getting drunk in the club on that twit twit. Preventing unwanted babies by putting a twit twit on my twit twit!

I’m pretty sure everyone and, especially, their mother have seen the video of 12 year old Greyson Michael Chance singing/playing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” on the piano at his school’s talent show. This video is also known as “Greyson Michael Chance teaches every young girl what it feels like to be a woman.”

I fucking love it. I fucking LOVE it! I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE THE FUCKING LOVE OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING VIDEO!

I do not know Greyson. It would be kind of weird if I did know some random 12 year old boy in Oklahoma, that is unless he really likes Kristen Stewart, the want, and reading 2000 words a day posts and then commenting on them. But I digress, I don’t know the kid. BUT you don’t need to to understand every fucking beautiful second of this video. It is all there in the shocked, awed, charmed, stunned, and WANTING, definitely WANTING, faces of the girls in the background of the video! Holy fucking fuckity fuckin’ fuck these chicks want IT. And “it” being a miniaturized Greyson Michael Chance in a music box that they can carry in their purse and open at anytime and he’ll play Lady Gaga on his little piano for them and ONLY them.

I fucking love this video! And so does everyone else.

Greyson in all his prepubescent glory singing the GAGA, singing the Lady’s operas, in a room of apparently all XX chromosomes (are there no boys in this school outside of Greyson? Or are they all separated into male and female sections because Oklahoma operates like the Bible is current events?) was on every webpage on the ethereal internet yesterday. Then I turn on ABC’s World News Now and Diane Sawyer is talking about the video. I wouldn’t be surprised if Couric was doing the same and even cynical Brian Williams had to have said something about it too. AND TODAY! Today, Greyson Michael Chance will be appearing on the television show of television shows E-L-L-E-N! ELLEN! The fucking Ellen Degeneres show! The white Oprah! She twit twitted yesterday that she was having the wunderkind on and she had never been more excited. Why? Because he is fucking Greyson “slinging that rock in the streets” Michael C-to the-H-to the-A-to the-N-to the-C-to the-E CHANCE bitches! The kid is a superstar.

Before I get even crazier per usual, let me say my two coherent thoughts I feel like saying.

1. Lady Gaga is the biggest. BIGGEST! We are being bombarded with videos dedicated to or in tribute to Gaga on the reg now. Marines in Afghanistan doing “Telephone” music video remakes. College kids remaking “Bad Romance”. Gaga’s next music video is the song “Alejandro” which is presumably about a Latin lover of hers who stole apart of her glitter covered heart. The video hasn’t even debuted yet, but there are dozens of fan made videos for the song on youtube already. She is on a global tour that will culminate with her headlining Lollapalooza. There have been a lot of pop stars to rise to Heavenly glory during my time on this Earth. Britney Spears being one of them. And Britney was the BIGGEST and still is huge. But Britney never left being a pop star. She never headlined a rock and roll tour. Britney made girlie girl music for a very long time and there was large chunks of the population not buying into it. But Lady Gaga is becoming the new Madonna. I can’t wait for A League Of Their Own remake with Lady Gaga in it.

2. Greyson is good. Real good. Sincerely, the kid is good. He is great on the piano and great singing. Even better is his showmanship where he dramatically pauses before some parts. The kid knows what he’s doing up there.

Back to whatever…

ARE YOU WATCHING THIS VIDEO!?! It is like a want factory in there! Little GMC (just noticed that his initials are the same as the car company’s) is a turbine churning the unfettered want through to power the state of Oklahoma. Look at those girls in the background! Every single one of them is pouring want out of them like Twilight was playing on 60 different TV screens in front of them all stuck on one of the many slow-mo shots of Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor taking their shirts off.

I’m not saying that the want in that room is reaching Kristen Stewart capacity, but it is damn close. It certainly is besting Jessica Biel or George Clooney on any given day. I’m just saying imagine if Kristen Stewart goes rogue. She turns on humanity and becomes a wondering doomsday weapon just waiting to go off and is intermittently killing civilians with just a hint of her power. If we needed to construct a Dr. Frankenstein’s monster to combat Kristen Stewart then FINALLY we have the solution. Take unassuming 12 year old Oklahomian boy Greyson Michael Chance and put him in a room with completely no expectations having girls and let the boy PLAY GAGA!

Of course, we would also need a corpse or a live willing subject to be the host of this experiment. We would funnel all the want into them and flip the switch and hopefully they don’t just explode from want overload. Actually! Even better idea! We all know the storyline of Final Fantasy VII, right? RIGHT!?! Well, when the Diamond Weapon is out of control they use the big mako cannon of Midgar to kill it. So all we need is a giant cannon and funnel all the want into that and then fire that want bomb off like the guns of the Navarone! We will only have one shot at this, so make it good.

Back to the video, these girls WANT IT! They want GMC! Ladies Love Cool G!

The storyline to this video to me is such, Greyson Michael Chance has never spoken more than one word to any human being at his school minus the piano/music teacher. He is quiet, but polite. He shyly smiles, but completely keeps to himself. Meanwhile, everyday he goes home and practices his piano and singing to the only audience he knows: his mother, piano teacher, and Mr. Evers – the 83 year old Korean War veteran who sits in his wheelchair all day everyday on the front porch next door, alone ever since his wife Camille died 6 years earlier from a hang gliding accident in which a hang glider lost control of the glider and it kamikazied her in the head while she was tending to her rose bushes in the front yard. Virtually no one knew of Greyson’s singing or piano playing abilities. He had sharpened his skills in private all these years and when he took to the stage not a single person in the crowd gave it a second thought. But then!… But then… But the… But th… But t… But… Bu… B… …

GREYSON BLOOMS LIKE THE MOST GLORIOUS FLOWER IN EXISTENCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES!

Like Socrates and Plato’s theory of forms, the perfect flower, the form of a flower, the pure essence of a flower is on stage playing the piano and singing to them the Lady’s words! The Gaga’s melodies! AND. THEY. WANT. IT! Look at their fucking faces! TELL ME I’M WRONG! Those girls would be less shocked if Greyson got on stage and ripped off his own face to reveal he was a 6 headed Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Alexander Skarsgard, Taye Diggs, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua mythical beast bringing Armageddon to dry panties the world over.

To paraphrase Watchmen: The Superman does exist and he is American. He is Greyson Michael Chance. So you can fuck off now, Justin Bieber.

Questions for Friday.

Kristen Stewart Wants IT, The Bachelor and The Bible – SSDD

If you missed it yesterday, http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok, I’m just saying.

Today’s post will reflect two subjects I have brought up on “twitter”, if that is its real name. The first is the season finale of The Bachelor and the second is the Jewish holiday of Purim. I’m sure you are tired of reading about both of these subjects in these all too popular crossover posts.

The Bachelor

ABC’s The Bachelor ended last night. Sadly, not in the “ended forever” kind of way. The pilot who I am blanking on his name who was The Bachelor… Scott? Was it Scott? Whatever. The Pilot who was The Bachelor had a choice between Vienna and Tenley. I wrote a post whenever about Vienna, Tenley and pilots leading double lives. And Scott(?) PICKED VIENNA! The guy I can’t remember his actual name who is a pilot picked Vienna.

If you recall, there was Tenley. You may remember her as the hot blonde who was flexible, only had sex or kissed or talked to or touched or looked at or thought of one man ever before and she was crazy emotional. The second lady was Vienna. You may remember her as the hot blonde who had bigger boobs, cross eyed, also emotionally crazy and had a less than stellar track record of telling the truth seemingly. Jake! That was his name! His name is Jake. Jake the Pilot. Fuck? Is that his name? I think it is Jake. I’ll stick with Jake regardless. Jake(!) picked Vienna. I said on twit twet twat twot twut and sometimes twyt that I would have picked Vienna. So it looks like Jake and I have something in common, outside of living double lives of course.

I also mentioned that neither Vienna nor Tenley are “marriage material” for me. My reasoning is that I could never imagine yelling either one of their names in public. I could be wrong about this. I could meet them or meet a Vienna or Tenley somewhere else in life and they are so amazing that I could actually yell their name in public, but as of right now I don’t buy it. Someone, who shall remain nameless because on purpose I never mention any of your names knowing that will only cause a murderous jealous bitches hatin’ bitches rage among you all, replied “but could you imagine yelling their name in private?”

This is when I hate text. How do I accurately write out the sound of a shot clock violation buzzer? I guess BAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!!! Wrong answer!

I could imagine myself yelling anything in “private”. I could yell “Queen of Salisbury” in private. That doesn’t help anyone though. Trying to judge a marriage on the good times is a bad idea. The “good” times are GOOD! You can have “good” times with just about anyone. But a marriage is not built around good times. It is built around surviving the bad ones. Marriage is sticking by the person during the troubling times as well as the easy ones. And it doesn’t take much to stick by someone when shit is going well. So, you have to imagine would you fight with this person, would you scream and cry and continue to be with person, would you get so frustrated with this person you would break inanimate objects and still be like “we need to stay together forever”?

I think a good barometer of this is “would you yell after this person in a public place?” In this situation, could I get into a verbal argument with Tenley or Vienna in public where like a typical woman they storm off in anger and I’m left standing there yelling their name. Nothing against those women in particular, but the unfortunate names just doesn’t help anyone. I just can’t imagine being in a nice Italian restaurant with Vienna and she storms off:

Vienna! Vienna! Vienna! Get back here, Vienna! Viieeennnaaa! Don’t you walk out of here! I’m staying! I have not even received my appetizer yet! You can wait by the car, Vienna! You’ll just have to wait because I have the keys, Vienna! Vienna!

Or being in a Macys that has clothes to fit people of all styles and Tenley storms off:

Tenley! Tenley! Tenley! Get back here, Tenley! Ten! Ley! Come on, Tenley! Don’t you leave this Macys, Tenley! This is a wonderful family environment you are ruining, Tenley! Get back here, Tenley! TENLEY!

I know that I am not going to yell those names. I’ll just watch them walk away. I would feel stupid yelling “Tenley”. On the flipside, I could easily imagine yelling old standards like Jessica, Katherine, Rachel, and so forth. Or even some more “ethnic” names like Tasha.

Tasha! Tasha! Tasha! Get back here, Tasha! TAASSSHAAA! Are you kidding me with this, Tasha!?! It isn’t even halftime, Tasha! I don’t even know how, but the Knicks are winning! I’m not leaving, Tasha! I guess you’re taking the train back by yourself! TAAASHHHAAA!

I could see that happening. For a truly honest to goodness marriage, I feel like one has to be comfortable arguing tooth and nail with that person in public without thinking twice. If you are questioning the decision of whether you are going to scream out their name and feel dumb about it then half of the battle is already lost. TASHA!

Purim

The Jew’s have a holiday called Purim and it happened on Sunday. I am Jewish and I went to Hebrew school and I went to Sunday school and I didn’t pay attention in either, but I did get Bar Mitzvah-ed. But not until this past Sunday did the story of Purim ever resonate. I’m not sure if it wasn’t taught this way in school or any school. Nevertheless, the story of Purim is hysterical. Like most history or historical stories, people were fucking dumb and crazy back whenever they took place. People are dumb and crazy now, but not in the big picture dumb and craziness like back then.

The story of Purim takes place in about 500 BCE or BC or whatever. Purim is from the Book of Esther, which means it is from a bigger book called the Bye-Bull or Bible. So it took place back in “Biblical” days which means roughly forever ago. It was pretty much dinosaurs then cavemen and then the Bible and then nothing and then the story of the world picks up when America was discovered. The story will be in bold or at least wikipedia’s version of it and my comments will be the intentionally funny stuff not in bold.

The Book of Esther begins with a six month (180 day) drinking feast given by king Ahasuerus, for the army of Persia and Media, for the civil servants and princes in the 127 provinces of his kingdom, at the conclusion of which a seven day drinking feast for the inhabitants of Shushan, rich and poor with a separate drinking feast for the women organised by the Queen Vashti in the pavilion of the Royal courtyard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Seriously! 6 months? SIX MONTHS!?! A year is 12 months and this is half of that year plus a week. I love it. Remember back in the olden days when everything was more simple? Yeah, it was more simple because people were drunk off their asses for 180 days and then 7 additional days all mandated by the government who was also the craziest drunk. Right now it is March 2^nd, imagine drinking straight from now until September. SEPTEMBER! And then another week. So pretty much, start drinking now and don’t stop until you see the news run a 9/11 moment of silence. Do you know what you really need after drinking for 6 months straight? Another week of drinking!

Also, you know for a fact that once King A finished drinking after 187 days that he didn’t just stop drinking. He kept on drinking! Someone who drinks for 187 days straight doesn’t wake up on 188 and check themselves into rehab, especially when everyone else in the entire empire has been drinking that whole time too.  

At this feast Ahasuerus gets thoroughly drunk and orders his wife Vashti to display her beauty before the people and nobles wearing her royal crown.

“Thoroughly drunk”? Yeah, no shit. This guy has been “thoroughly drunk” the whole time, but only until now is he about to do something truly noteworthy like order his wife to show off to everyone. Also, I doubt it was just “wearing her royal crown”. Maybe it was only “wearing her royal crown”. I’m pretty sure that King A being drunk for 180+ days at this point probably said something a little more lurid than “put on your crown”. He probably asked her to give a little strip, give the people a little show. He’s been drinking for 180 days! What do you expect?

She refuses,

Typical. Typical woman move.

and Ahasuerus decides to remove her from her post.

That a boy, King A! She refuses and instant divorce! Boom! Hey, Vashti, I bet you wish you did a little twirl in front of everyone with that stupid crown on now, DON’T YOU!

He then orders all young women to be presented to him, so he can choose a new queen to replace Vashti.

King A is the decider. He is a man of action. A man of great drunk action. Oh, what? My wife won’t gallivant in front of my friends – fuck her. Get me all the hot chicks in the room and let’s pick one that will. King A does not sleep alone in the royal chamber any night. I’m the King, damn it!

One of these is Esther, who was orphaned at a young age and was being fostered by her cousin Mordecai.

Esther Plain and Tall, am I right?

She finds favor in the king’s eyes,

Read: doable.

and is made his new wife.

BOOYAH!

Esther does not reveal that she is Jewish.

Even back then women were keeping secrets. Always with these damn secrets.

Shortly afterwards, Mordecai discovers a plot by courtiers Bigthan and Teresh to kill Ahasuerus. They are apprehended and hanged, and Mordecai’s service to the king is recorded.

Check out Mordecai. Saving the King’s life, getting people hanged. Big day for Mordecai.

Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his prime minister. Mordecai, who sits at the palace gates, falls into Haman’s disfavor as he refuses to bow down to him. Having found out that Mordechai is Jewish, Haman plans to kill not just Mordecai but the entire Jewish minority in the empire.

Uh huh? Ok. So Jewish people are pretty much going to be extinct because this one asshole can’t get this other asshole to bow down to him. Holy shit. If I was living back then I would be furious. Morde-who? I have no idea who you are talking about? And he won’t bow down to who? And I’m going to get killed because of it!?! Fuck this place. Fuck this whole place! And by “place” I mean all the known world.

He obtains Ahasuerus’ permission to execute this plan, and he casts lots to choose the date on which to do this – the thirteenth of the month of Adar.

Fucking what!?! King A! Seriously, you betrayed the shit out of me on this one. I seriously, thought we were boys. But I can’t really blame King A entirely because he has been drinking for at the very least the past 180 days. I’m sure he isn’t thinking clearly. I have smoked a menthol cigarette while drunk. I mean I wouldn’t smoke a menthol cigarette ever sober. It makes me dry gag just thinking about it. And I wasn’t drunk for 180 days when it happened. I had been drunk for like a day. So after 180 days I guess I could see myself signing off on genocide.

Yes, one menthol cigarette x 180 = genocide. I didn’t make it up.

When Mordecai finds out about the plans he orders widespread penitence and fasting. Esther discovers what has transpired; she requests that all Jews of Shushan fast and pray for three days together with her, and on the third day she seeks an audience with Ahasuerus, during which she invites him to a feast in the company of Haman.

Dude, we’re all going to get killed! What’s the plan? GROVEL! Grovel like you have never groveled before. Everyone just act as pathetic as possible and hopefully they will be merciful. Also, invite him to dinner.

During the feast, she asks them to attend a further feast the next evening.

What is with all these “post parties”? Drink for 180 days and then drink for another 7 with me. Eat dinner and then we’ll eat dinner again with just a few of us. Like can’t we just combine the two? It is just overly complicated. Or can’t we have a VIP section at the original party or something?

Meanwhile, Haman is again offended by Mordecai and builds a gallows for him.

Fucking A, Mordecai? What the hell are you doing? Stop talking to Haman already! Jeez! And Haman is pissed. If you build a gallows specifically for someone then you are on a whole other level of being pissed. What, buddy? What did you say? Oh yeah? That’s it, I’m building you a gallows! You’ve just become my pet project. Yep. I’m going to make a hobby out of killing you. I’m going to get some loose timber, some nails, a hammer, maybe a circular saw and I’m going to make a hanging post just for you. Nope, not for anyone else. Just for you, Mordecai!

That night, Ahasuerus suffers from insomnia,

It is rough being the King. Everything isn’t always 6 months of drinking and picking new wives on a whim.

and when the court’s records are read to him to help him sleep,

That’s right! The cure for the King’s insomnia is reading to him the workings of his own government. Oh man, this shit is boring the hell out of me. Is this the stuff what I’m supposed to be doing instead of drinking for 180 days?

he learns of the services rendered by Mordecai in the previous plot against his life. Ahasuerus is told that Mordecai had not received any recognition for saving the king’s life.

See King A isn’t such a bad guy. He’s like what? Mordecai didn’t get anything? That’s messed up. We need to correct this immediately. I’m the best and people saving the best’s life need to be rewarded.

Just then, Haman appears, and King Ahasuerus asks Haman what should be done for the man that the King wishes to honor. Thinking that the King is referring to Haman himself, Haman says that the honoree should be dressed in the king’s royal robes and led around on the king’s royal horse.

Um, what? What!?! Your prize is a pageant show? Haman had an opportunity to ask for probably anything at that moment. In his mind, the King wanted to give him anything he desired for good service and his response was I want to play dress up in front of everyone. What a lame ass. I would have asked for more women, more power, more money. That stuff never gets old. Haman is a creep. A fashion show? I would have fired him on the spot.

To Haman’s horror, the king instructs Haman to do so to Mordecai.

The old switcheroo.

Later that evening, Ahasuerus and Haman attend Esther’s second banquet, at which she reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people, which includes her.

I bet that blew King A’s mind. You’re Jewish!?! And I ordered you and your people dead? Wow. Has anyone had like an out of body experience before? I mean I’ve been drinking for as long as I can remember at this point and this shit is getting crazy. I don’t know what is more wild: that I’m still the ruler of this empire even though I’ve been drinking always, my new wife who I know nothing about is Jewish, that my right hand man Haman secretly wants to wear all my clothes, that he hates and plans to kill all the Jews or… well… yeah all that stuff is messed up. Someone should stop serving me alcohol at once.

Ahasuerus instead orders Haman hanged on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – KA BLAM!

Talk about irony, folks. This isn’t that bullshit about needing a knife in a land of spoons or rain on my wedding day. This is real irony. He built a gallows to kill another man, and now that man is going to kill him with that gallows. Wow. I hope the irony was not lost on anyone at that post party. Just wow. Turn of events!

The previous decree against the Jews could not be annulled,

What? This needs better explaining. Why could it not be annulled? He is a drunken King who just does what he wants always. For instance, 10 minutes ago Haman was alive and Mordecai was going to get hung. Now Mordecai is all smiles and Haman has a broken neck. I’m just saying, why can’t he annul the decree? Don’t start acting like there is some overriding bureaucracy at work here.

so the King allows Mordecai and Esther to write another decree as they wish. They write one that allows the Jews to defend themselves during attacks. As a result, on 13 Adar, five hundred attackers and Haman’s ten sons are killed in Shushan. Throughout the empire an additional 75,000 are slain (Esther 9:16). On the 14th, another 300 are killed in Shushan.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… what?

That is the shittiest second decree ever. What type of decree is that? What the hell is with these decrees anyway? I don’t understand this government structure at all. Somehow the King’s hands are tied, but his wife and her cousin can write an official decree that the empire follows. This is the worst government ever.

The rough estimate here is 76,000 people died because of Mordecai not bowing and then King A deciding decrees preside over all. Oh yeah, that makes sense. These are the worst people ever. The worst! 76,000 people died because of this! This is a story from the Bible, right? And everyone is always like read the Bible and live your life like the Bible. Ummmm… no.

No. You should not live your life like these people. These people are fucking idiots. The King was drunk for 180 days as well as the rest of the empire and it only got worse from there. My only advice is don’t live like the people in the Bible. They made the worst decisions. 76,000 people died! What type of lessons do I learn from people who killed 76,000 people in one grand sweeping stupid drunken decision? Outside of not doing anything that they did.

Mordecai assumes the position of second in rank to Ahasuerus, and institutes an annual commemoration of the delivery of the Jewish people from annihilation.

And that is why we eat cookies with fruit in the middle because Mordecai got a promotion after 76,000 people were killed for no reason. Happy Holidays!

I Just ReTweeted In My Pants, Am I Right?

Well, I’m on twitter.

http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok

This is all very exciting, I know. First, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to all of my current “followers”. Second, I would like to say FUCKING FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER ALREADY to all of those who have yet to be a “follower”. Thirdly, I would like to say a lot more about this decision to be on Twitter with this post, so I’m going to stop counting out the subject points. If I continued, I would be saying “One hundred and fifth-ly, I think the tether ball scene in last night’s Big Love was about the best scene this season that did not involve Amanda Seyfried side boob or Chloe Sevigny in that see-thru baby doll lingerie from last night as well.”

Why twitter?

Honestly, I am not sure. I decided to do it and now I’m doing it. It was kind of a whim decision. I blame the SNOWICANE for the most part. Sometimes I make random choices, for instance I am clean shaven right now. I did have a beard up until 12pm Sunday when I though it would be funny to see what I looked like with a mustache. I will again blame the SNOWICANE and, maybe, the movie Bronson because he sports a moose-stache throughout the movie which I watched the day before. For a set of hours on Sunday, I had a mustache and only a mustache. I have never looked more like a cop and/or child predator in my life. Actually, I have seen all the Harry Potter movies, The Incredibles, and both of The Chronicles of Narnia films all in theaters. I may or may not have appeared more like a creep-o in those scenarios.

Twitter. “jordan_is_ok”? I had a rough time (read: 120 seconds) trying to think of a proper twitter screen name. At first, I thought I would just use my name. But then I remembered that was boring. I decided I would use my first name and add in a popular sentiment I think all should enjoy: “jordanrules”. Sadly, twitter informed me that had already been taken. I imagine it is one of your, the commenters’, twitter accounts talking about how much I “rule”. That’s really the only possible conclusion one can arrive at. Needless to say, I was at a crossroads. If I am not “rules” then what am I? I got it! I am “ok”. Right? Who here possibly could not say I am “ok”. I am ok! I will scream it from the top of a mountain!

I AM OK!

No one said I was the “best”, but you cannot say I am not “ok”. It is completely factual. Jordan is ok. I am ok. I could be better than ok. I am probably better than ok. But at the very least I am ok. Some might say I am setting the bar awfully low. Well, “jordanrules” the idea of me, Jordan, “ruling” was already taken. After that, I had to resort to something else positive. If by chance, I chose a screen name like “jordan_is_dumb” to try and be ironic because clearly I am not dumb – I would still worry that eventually all the times you read “jordan_is_dumb” or type “jordan_is_dumb” that there would be a Pavlovian response and you would believe I was dumb. Or even worse, what if I started to believe it? All because of twitter, I am dumb.

“jordan_is_ok”

Why the underscores? Good question. I was initially thinking that “jordan_is_ok” could be “jordanisok”. Appearing as one word might be a more simple approach and easier to write because it does not require the use of a “shift” key. But I believe “jordanisok” will only lead to many many frustrating scenarios. Think about where the emphasis on the syllables should or could go. I am of the mindset that when looking at “jordanisok”, one would immediately begin to read it as “jordanis” “ok”.

Who is “jordanis ok”? Excellent question. Who is “jordanis”? Jordanis may very well be an explorer. Maybe of the late 14^th century. He did not find any significant island chains, but he like many of his contemporaries navigated the icy waters of the North Atlantic Ocean in search of “new worlds”. Jordanis OK was a brave man, but not the bravest. He never traveled as far as Magellan or Christopher Columbus. Jordanis was a man of logic and decided to make many short ocean voyages scanning the water in a grid search pattern. Jordanis’ men set out early and often on the sea, but also returned early as well. At first, they searched for new land 100 miles off the western coast of Europe. They searched every inch of that 100 miles before they even thought of going one hound’s tooth farther. After that was accomplished, they moved to 150 miles and then 200.

By the end of Jordanis OK’s life, he knew every white capped wave 300 miles west of England and he 65. His name has been lost to the history books because of more “adventurous” explorers. Jordanis led more successful naval expeditions than any ship captain ever and lost the fewest men as well. But apparently that is not note worthy to any of you! He may not have hit many homeruns, but his on base percentage was through the roof, that’s what she said.

Also, I believe “jordanisok” sounds like a Native American word. It would indicate a river or town or even tribe. The Jordanisok bloodline at one time was the ruling tribe in the Midwestern territories of the United States. A tribe of tall, bearded and tattooed people who were best remembered for the knowledge of movie trivia and their quick sarcastic whit. The thinning of this bloodline into extinction was two fold: 1. sun burn and 2. writer’s block. A pale pale pale people the Jordanisok were and being of a time period and lack of technology to create 90 spf suntan lotion, they were all constantly suffering from sun burn and dying off at a healthy rate because of sun poisoning. This was all not effective when it came time to battle rival tribes. A mere hardy slap on a sun burnt shoulder would cause many of the men to surrender.

The “writer’s block” came near the end of the tribe’s existence. Always rubbing aloe vera into their sun burnt skin, the Jordanisok gave up on war and tribal battles. They became a peaceful people who provided literature to the rest of the tribes for entertainment. But like a slow building drought, the Jordanisok ran out of stories to tell and fell into a deep depression and laziness.

Today, all we have to commemorate the Jordanisok tribe is a small section of the Theodore Roosevelt High School Library in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. In this section there are the last remaining books of the Jordanisok. The majority of the books are a popular detective series involving Chief Lingering-Hug who was the most recognizable Chief of the Jordanisok, mostly because everyone remembers the faces of people who give awkwardly long hugs. The rest of the books are an odd cache of fanfiction short stories centered on “hot” to “doable” European women reading the Chief Lingering-Hug detective novels and believing them to be so well written and clever that they travel across the Atlantic Ocean to find and bang the Jordanisok men. Strangely, the women are almost always dressed in short plaid skirts and white tank tops that are way too tight. Also, they are pretty graphic.

So, it is “jordan_is_ok”.

I have not figured out exactly how I am going to handle the twitter account. Already, I am fielding bitching comments. I do not mean “bitching” as in they’re “rad”. No, there are “bitching” as in the people are being kind of “bitchy” with their tone about my lack of responding to them in particular. I am reading the comments and I will try and decide soon how I will start responding to them. Maybe I’ll have a Q & A day on Twitter. I don’t know. Also, I do write a fucking website that you’re currently reading for motherfucking free so how about you give me a second to figure out twitter. Either way, I’ll try to write something on twitter at the very least once a day.

What have we learned from “jordan_is_ok”? A lot.

1. I recently watched The Girlfriend Experience. I really liked it. I was a little surprised how much I enjoyed it. I think Sasha Grey does a great job in the movie. She acts natural in the movie. That seems like that shouldn’t be a big deal, but have you seen any movies? Ever? Tons of big name actors do not act natural at all. Look at Mark Wahlberg. Nothing that he does looks natural in any of his movies. It looks like everything he does is a struggle. Remember that scene in Being John Malkovich where John Cusack starts to control John Malkovich like a puppet? Malkovich and Cusack are struggling for control over the body? That is what looks like is happening to Mark Wahlberg at all times in any movie. He is fighting for control over his own body from an outside source. That doesn’t mean he isn’t good in a couple movies; Wahlberg is excellent in I Heart Huckabees. But he never looks “natural”. The Girlfriend Experience is supposed to be almost like a documentary and Sasha does a great job just acting like she is not acting. Also, the other main character in the movie, Chris Santos, is really great. So great in fact, that it made me question the title of the movie. The title The Girlfriend Experience is memorable and catchy. But it tells you nothing about Chris Santos’ character and he is half of the movie.

2. I am looking to buy a digital camcorder and I completely ruled out a tapeless camera. It was terribly shortsighted of me. I know. I know the reason why no one really responded to that tweet was because of the disgust you felt for my narrow minded thinking that I must need DV tape ability with my camera and you couldn’t express this disgust correctly in 140 characters or less. I’m ashamed as well. If I could only take back that tweet. And if only someone would loan me $1100 for the right camera which I found an hour later. And by “loan”, I mean never pay back. I mean you should give me $1100 so I can buy a camera and we’ll never mention the transaction again. Or you could buy the camera, have it overnight shipped to me and we’ll just pretend like Santa Claus forgot to give me the present on Christmas. Or maybe you feel like buying me a really early birthday present. That present would be the $1100 camera I keep mentioning.

3. I eat fried chicken and drink beer. I’m not saying everything you learn on twitter about me will be pleasant. I’m sure a lot of you second guessed “following” me at that point. How much more do I want to know about someone who eats fried chicken and drinks beer? Fried chicken that he didn’t cook. Fried chicken that was delivered to him. Beer that was not American and was in fact imported from Germany. And he consumed them together. Together at before 5pm on a Saturday. I never said this would be an easy journey for any of us. Some days will be harder on our relationship than others. There will be times when you are shocked by the “activities” I engage in. Sometimes those activities are eating fried chicken. Sometimes it is drinking beer. Sometimes it is both. And sometimes I lay on the couch after I finish eating the chicken and continue drinking beer until the Sun disappears behind the New York City skyline.

Finally, I consider my twitter account to be in competition with Conan O’Brien’s twitter account.

It did not start out this way, but clearly it will only continue in this direction. I saw that Conan started twittering. Subconsciously it may have been why I started twittering. I’m not sure. I decided to “follow” Conan. Soon after, it dawned on me that we could be good friends like I always imagined or we could be mortal enemies that one day can only be resolved with a sword fight on an abandoned bridge at night until one of us decapitates the other and gains their powers via a lightning storm ala Highlander the TV series starring the enigmatic Adrian Paul. One or the other.

Conan is 6’4”. I am 6’3”. We could talk about what it’s like being taller than most people, but not tall enough to just be in the NBA as a tall white guy like Brian Scalabrine. We could literally see eye-to-eye with each other. At the same time, we’ll feel like natural enemies since we will always be looking into each other’s eyes like monkeys. Also, I may resent him for being slightly taller than I am.

We both are pale white with red hair. My hair is technically strawberry blonde. Conan may hate me just for that. Our pale whiteness will only be something we can bond over. Pale people are a united people.

Conan had a television show for about half of my life on NBC at 12:30am. I watched that show for about half of my life on NBC at 12:30am. I cannot say I started watching Conan from the “very beginning” because I did miss the first two episodes. But from #3 on I watched it pretty much every night of my life. So, if Conan is at all cool with reliving that Chris Farley sketch from SNL when he interviewed celebrities “remember the time when…. Yeah, that was awesome” then us as friends would work. Although if he dislikes that then we would be bitter enemies.

Conan has a monkey in his avatar. I have an alligator. That’s just good stuff.

I am fairly certain Conan O’Brien does not know I exist. But that does not mean he does not know there is a competition out there on twitter to be had. Have you ever been driving and all of a sudden find yourself racing someone? Either light to light or along the highway? No one has said anything, no one has even made eye contact, but you start to understand that there is just no way you are going to allow that silver Toyota Tercel to get in front of you! It is just not going to happen! And that red Jeep Wrangler is next! It doesn’t know it yet, but in 30 seconds all it will be seeing is my fucking tail lights, baby! That’s what this is like.

Currently, I have to tip my hat to Conan and say that he is winning so far. I have a little over 100 followers. He has just shy of half a million followers. I think that show on “NBC” helped him a bit. But one day O’Brien! I swear one day I will have slightly more followers than I have now and you’ll probably have a billion, but ummm… fuck. Why did I decide to have a competition with someone disturbingly famous? I’m going to need a lot more fried chicken and beer to sort this out.

A little site news – I will not be posting most likely on Thursday and Friday and then next Monday. You never can tell with me. I may end up putting something short up. Who knows? I feel a lot of guilt when I don’t post. Guilt you people have saddled me with. Anyway, I am traveling to the great state of Ohio with Dawgz. We will be attending the 22^nd annual Arnold Schwarzenegger Sports Festival in Columbus, Ohio. Yes, you read that 100% correctly. Unless you read it differently and then I’m uncertain how that could be. The words are right there spelled correctly. Arnold “I killed the Predator” Schwarzenegger has a “sports festival” every year in Columbus, Ohio. I will be going to it this year for www.asylum.com . We will be “covering” it and trying to be funny and such. We’ll see how that turns out. I really just want to shake hands with Arnold “I gave birth to a baby in the movie Junior” Schwarzenegger and have a picture taken of it and have that picture on my Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, resume, holiday cards, wedding announcements et cetera forever.