Hey, Snow White. We Get It. Now Git Atta Heeeerrreee!

What the fuck is going on in Hollywood?

Three days in a row, I have woken up and heard about a new Snow White movie. Three. Three? THREE! THREE!!!

THREE!

The first movie was the Kristen Stewart Snow White movie entitled: Snow White and the Huntsman.

The second movie was the Chinese/British 19th Century Snow White movie entitled: Snow and the Seven.

The third movie is the newly announced (to me at least) 3D Snow White by visionary director Tarsem Singh: The Brothers Grimm: Snow White.

So…

The question that I’m sure everyone is asking themselves right now is:

Why does Charlie Sheen not have any STDs even though he is sleeping with all of these pornstars?

Exactly.

I actually asked on twitter if there were any topics that should be discussed today and that was one of the questions that was asked.

I think there is a very simple answer as to why Charlie Sheen doesn’t have any STDs – if he is sleeping with famous pornstars then he really shouldn’t catch any STDs from them. Whatever prejudices many may hold against pornstars, they are tested on I think a monthly basis for STDs. I would imagine this is a lot more regularly than any of my readers out there who are reading this very sentence.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you read these 1000s of words and then you go out and hump every guy and girl at the Dairy Queen and then run off to the “clinic” to see if caught anything or not like your poon is a Pokemon video game. Gotta catch ‘em all!

I’m not saying pornstars don’t catch STDs from time to time. Just playing the percentages, they have to catch something at some point. If you play a professional sport then you are bound to get injured at some point. If you play football then you will get an ankle sprain at some point from running or someone falling on your leg. It will happen. If you work at a paper company or you’re just handling a lot of paper then at some point – no matter how careful you are – you will get a paper cut or a 100. Your paper cut is a pornstars gonorrhea. And I spelled gonorrhea correctly the first time, which disturbs me a little. Why was I so positive on the spelling of gonorrhea?

Anyway, if you’re paying for pussy and you got the money to spend, a pornstar has got to be the Kobe beef of punani. They’re professionals at sexin’. And like a really good piece of meat, you can find out exactly where it has been. Most of these girls have wikipedia pages, agents, managers, imdb pages. Corn meal fed, California raised, et cetera.

My curiosity in the situation is most piqued at how does the coked up, drunk, woman hitting, Charlie Sheen choose which pornstar he is going to completely unsatisfy and possibly do something illegal to (lock in a closet, throw to the ground, hold a knife to their throat et cetera… things he has done). I really hope these pornstar girls, or at least the more famous ones, stop taking these Charlie Sheen jobs because it sounds dangerous. As far as celebrities go, Charlie Sheen sounds like the Afghanistan Korengal Valley of celeb hooking jobs.

In conclusion, Charlie Sheen is living a life running on 100% luck and pornstars get regular STD checks. Or maybe he eats 1000s of bushels of acai berries with his cocaine.

SNOW WHITE!

Back to the 3 movies at hand…

Snow White and the Huntsman

Sounds like a porn. Speaking of porn. Am I right? Although, if this was a porn movie it would probably be Snow White and the Cuntsman. Actually, it would be Snow White and the Cuntsmen. Plural. Multiple dongers in and around Snow White.

In the original Snow White, the Huntsman takes Snow White into the woods and is supposed to kill Snow White for the Evil Queen. But he stops himself and instead just leaves her in the woods. And that’s it. You don’t see the Huntsman anymore after that. Of course, in the original the Evil Queen is fitted with smoldering hot iron shoes and made to dance herself to death. Yeah, that’s probably not going to be in the movie either.

The big rumor is Kristen Stewart will play Snow White in this movie and Viggo Mortensen will play the Huntsman. Not only does the Huntsman not kill Snow White, but instead he becomes her martial arts mentor for her to survive in the woods and then I guess kill the Evil Queen. To me this sounds like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Innocent chick, evil plot thrown around here, older dude comes into her life, teaches her hand-to-hand combat, she fights evil.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that. I’m not sure why this has to be a “Snow White” movie for a movie that is just about some older gent teaching some sexy young lass how to kick ass. It sounds like my fantasy of Kristen taking the knife, cutting herself more or less a micro skirt and a tank top, fighting the Evil Queen in a dagger match, and then killing the Queen with a shard of glass from the broken mirror isn’t too far off. That legitimately could happen in this movie.

I just hope they teach this chick some spinning back kicks. You have to use someone’s natural abilities and Kristen has a pair of legs on her. I wish it was Mirko Cro-Cop as the Huntsman teaching Kristen Stewart that left high kick.

Snow and the Seven

I talked about this movie yesterday and the day before. I thought it was the same movie as the movie above. But it isn’t. This is the 19th Century China Snow White where she is British. It sounds like it will be a Magnificent Seven slash Seven Samurai styled Snow White. Snow White has a gang of rogue warriors who will help her defeat the Evil Queen. It sounds more like an anime or a one-off comic book.

Both of these Snow White‘s sound like straight action flicks more or less. The Huntsman in the first movie isn’t going to teach Snow White how to crochet a sweater. He is going to teach her how to kill things with knives. As for this one, Snow White isn’t rallying up a group of 7 marauders for a poker game. Snow has her own battalion of guys and will have them fight to the death for her. It sounds like a movie we have seen a million times before. I’m betting it will be more like King Arthur or Clash of the Titans, but the girl will be the main character instead. And she’ll probably use a bow. She may not use any weapon, but if she does it will probably be a bow and arrow. We as a society are perfectly comfortable with chicks killing shit with precision bow and arrow shooting. Not sure why, but we are.

The Brothers Grimm: Snow White

Well, I have good news and bad news and news that sounds epic, but it is becoming mundane.

1. Tarsem Singh is the director, which is good news.

2. Julia Roberts is rumored to be the Evil Queen, which is bad news.

3. The movie will be in 3D!… like every other movie ever made.

Tarsem Singh is not a household name considering he only has two movies under his belt: The Cell and The Fall. He has a movie called Immortals, which I believe is coming out this year. Anyway, you may have seen The Cell and you may have never heard of The Fall. The Cell was the crime thriller with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Lopez using futuristic technology to enter the mind of a serial killer to find out where his latest victim is locked up, so they can save her in time. The killer is played by Vincent D’Onofrio. Do you remember that movie? It was ok.

I’m not a huge Tarsem Singh fan as I thought The Cell was ok and I didn’t really like The Fall, but there is absolutely no denying the man is an artist. He creates some of the most visually stunning scenes in these two movies. The Fall is even more so just a project for your eyes to feast on. The acting and storyline were down right stupid, but if you have a bad ass TV and feel like letting your pupils eat some beautiful scenery and colors then rent The Fall. You could probably put the movie on and turn the sound off and put on your favorite Gucci Mane album or whatever you kids listen to and just watch it.

I’m not a Julia Roberts fan per say. I thought she was great in Closer and she’s been fine or fairly charismatic in a bunch of movies 20 years ago. I’m way more interested in seeing what Tarsem has come up with visually than what Roberts could do acting wise as the Queen.

The movie also sounds a little “actiony” where Snow White and the Dwarves are going to fight the Queen. But out of the 3 movies, this will be the least actiony I would guess. Tarsem does big beautiful slow motion visuals, not fight choreography. He likes bold and slow and colorful, so expect that.

As for tomorrow…

I’m hoping I wake up to read that someone else is making a Snow White movie as well.

Alejandro Inarritu directs Blanca Nieves. A white girl from San Antonio, Texas flees to Mexico after her step-mother has her father killed and tries to kill her. In Mexico, the white girl is rescued from dehydration and so forth by a group of 7 mariachi musicians. The step-mother hires some corrupt border patrol Texas Rangers (the cops, not baseball players) to get her step-daughter back/kill her. Instead, the girl falls in love with a Mexican Federale and the two of them sneak into Texas with the mariachis to stop the evil step-mother.

I’d see that.

I’m casting Camilla Belle as Snow White, Gael Garcia Bernal as the Mexican Federale, Tommy Lee Jones as the old caballero Huntsman who I forgot to mention in my little paragraph up there, Barbara Hershey as the Step-Mother. It’s a start.

Questions for Friday

It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time! … Again

Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.

What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?

A – Age?

B – Beauty?

C – Order I would have sex with them?

D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?

E – All, but A?

THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.

Um, hello? This is Kristen Stewart from Adventureland. I think the guy from KSWI is broken. Broken? Well, he’s posting the same post again. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. No. Nooooo. I wouldn’t do that a second time. No. Yes, on a horse. No in public. Ok. Thank you. Yes, I still want IT.

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!!!

Yeah, that’s a picture of a groundhog with a machine guy and a belt of ammo. I thought in an effort to celebrate Groundhog Day, I would write about the same celebrities I wrote about today, but obviously about different topics about them than I covered yesterday.

Also, I found that groundhog picture by typing into Google “groundhog motherfucker”. Among those pictures that populated was this…

I love this picture. This is Tookie Williams and he co-founded the national gang the Crips. Not many people on Earth have ever achieved a level of badassness that Tookie achieved in this picture and even fewer have ever exceeded it. I’m not exactly sure why a man this badass needed a gang considering he looks like a one man army in this picture, but I bet it must’ve been difficult getting dudes to not want to follow him like soldiers. Pretty much if you see a man riding on the back of a lion then you follow that man because he figured shit out.

Anyway…

This is Kristen Stewart’s reaction to the supposed storyline of the new Snow White movie. Ehhhhhh… let’s not and just say we did:

Disney’s live-action version of their famous Snow White has found a writer in Toy Story 3′s Michael Arndt and an intriguing set-up for the retelling: this version will take place in 19th Century China with the title Snow and the Seven.

Uhhhhhh…. Errrrrr….. Ummmmm….. puhhhh-lease…. Nooooooo.

19th Century China? That is “intriguing” because it is 100% random. Why 19th Century China? Why not I guess. Why not 14th Century South Africa? Why not the Paleolithic Period of Mesopotamia?

I was going to make a joke about “why not the Appalachian Trail?” and then I started thinking that might be exactly the place where this movie should take place. I want a meth head series of seven dwarfs in busted trailers. Snow White is actually an affluent Connecticut raised college Sophomore going to a Jesuit School also in the North East who is a member of Project Appalachia. And the villain is her plastic surgery having day drinking step-mother.

It is Clueless meets The Wild and Wonderful Whites.

The news arrives courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter, who say that the story involves an Englishwoman attending her father’s funeral in Hong Kong who then becomes targeted by her evil stepmother. In this version, the dwarves will be replaced with a “a rogue band of seven international warriors.”

Christ! Can’t a dwarf catch a break in this world?! Talk about a kick to the nuts of 7 legally dwarf actors trying to make it into Hollywood. I imagine the dwarf actors of the world were fucking PSYCHED to hear there was going to be a Snow White remake with some hot piece of tail playing Snow White. I mean they got royally screwed by Peter Jackson in all these Lord of the Rings movies. Sure, they are good enough to be used for the wide shots, but lord knows those stand-ins are not getting paid Elijah Wood money. Elijah Wood and Dominic Cooper wouldn’t start on 3rd grade traveling basketball team in Vietnam, but they’re not dwarf short.

Englishwoman? Just give the role to Emily Blunt or whatever already. I don’t want to hear Kristen doing an English accent.

Francis Lawrence (I Am Legend, Constantine) is still attached to direct and Natalie Portman has, apparently, expressed interest in starring, though her casting may now be complicated by the actress’ pregnancy.

I have NOTHING bad to say about Natalie Portman ever, but could she stick to playing Americans. I think it is funny that she is stealing British roles from British actresses like British actors are stealing American roles from American actors, but I like Natalie as Natalie and not Mary Poppins Natalie. Also, if Francis Lawrence is directing this movie plus the “rogue band of international warriors” line means this movie is going to be a horribly constructed action movie.

If we really wanted to get serious for a minute…

Selena Gomez as Snow White. Justin Bieber as the Prince. The two of them having a kiss on screen and duet-ing their way through the dialogue would legitimately sell ONE BILLION tickets.

Also, Justin Bieber could play all seven dwarves. All wearing a different colored oversized baseball hat to a different side.

WordPress keeps saying “dwarves” isn’t a word which is why I keep writing “dwarfs”.

Katherine Heigl is married and raising a special needs child she adopted from Korea.

So, yeah she should make better rom-coms.

I was already depressed with life knowing she is too famous and accomplished and internationally renowned too good looking for me, but she is actually a much better human being than me. So … I made breakfast without anyone’s help again today.

Apparently, this is the only photograph ever taken with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway where they both have their clothes on. Soak it in.

Last night, I was on a porn website “solving for X”. And on some of these porn websites they have a feature where they show you what other people are watching. At first, that sounds disgusting knowing that someone else is watching that video at this very second and answering algebra problems all over himself. But after a few visits, it starts to become like the Netflix rating system. The new Karate Kid movie got 3.5 stars? Maybe I do want to watch a guy have sex with a girl on a bus. Anyway, there was a video of the nude scenes from Love and Other Drugs compiled together in one seamless video.

I thought to myself, well I don’t need to click on that because I’ve already seen Anne Hathaway naked in two other movies. But then I noticed the video was 4 minutes long. That is a long time to be naked in a movie. So I clicked on the link. Basically, Anne Hathaway is naked in that whole movie. The whole movie. There may not be a single scene in the movie where she is not topless. That movie should have been called:

SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED!

or ANNE HATHAWAY IS NAKED SO BUY A TICKET!

or DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED? OF COURSE YOU DO, SO BUY A TICKET

or Love and Other Drugs and ANNE HATHAWAY BOOBS EVERYWHERE

God bless her. Then I started thinking that one other time I saw Anne Hathaway naked was in Brokeback Mountain and she was with Jake Gyllenhaal in that too.

Basically, Jake Gyllenhaal is the kryptonite to Anne Hathaway’s clothes. Or at the very least her shirt and bra. I bet seconds after the above picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s top disintegrated into dust in the wind.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

HIRE JAKE GYLLENHAAL! HIRE HIM! Have him play a bell boy or a street vendor or a cab driver or something. Have him in that damn Batman movie stat because if he is in it then we get Anne Hathaway boobies. Do you know what would have been better than Michell Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Returns? Michelle Pfeiffer naked as Catwoman in Batman Returns. That is an undeniable truth. That is truth talk. I’m talking truth here. And you know what would have really made Halle Berry’s Catwoman better? A plot. Also, her naked. Halle Berry naked would have made that movie an absolute classic. Do you remember the movie Swordfish? Do you remember anything that happened in that movie outside of Halle Berry showing her boobs in that movie? No. I’m guessing not. Quick question, was Vinnie Jones in Swordfish? Having trouble answering that question. Can’t remember if he is in it or not? Were Halle Berry’s nipples in that movie? Yeah, you knew the answer to that one. Vinnie Jones was in Swordfish, by the way.

In conclusion, getting Anne Hathaway naked does not require wine, roofies, a new car, wedding ring – it requires Jake Gyllenhaal. If you provide the Gyllenhaal then you will see her naked. That probably can be said about 90% of women, but you didn’t cast 90% of women.

Kind regards,

KSWI Jordan

xxxooooxxxoooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Tom Hardy slept with another dude? Shocking. ^^^ This guy?

I’m just kidding Tom.

Seriously, though. Tom Hardy is supposed to be the lead for a Mad Max remake. I’m looking forward to that. I hope that still happens.

The Road Warrior is still an excellent action movie. I think people should see all three Mad Max movies, but if you could only see one The Road Warrior is the best. Beyond the Tunderdome is wild and out of control and just ludicrous and complete fun, but it isn’t as good of a movie. The original Mad Max is good for what it is and for how little money they spent and so forth, but The Road Warrior is out and out a better all around action extravaganza.

For whatever reason, I love post-apocalyptic movies that have the car chase scene through the desert wastelands. I love that idea.

A British Superman? *shrugs* It is funny that it is a British Superman, British Batman, and an American born, but British raised Spiderman. It doesn’t change things for me considering Superman isn’t real nor was he real, so who cares. The last Superman was American and was directed by an American and that movie sucked. This one will be directed by an American, being overseen by an American who most think is British and played by a Brit. But the better comparison is that, the first American director (Singer) had directed two superhero movies (X-Men and X-2), which I thought sucked. Meanwhile, this American director (Zack) has directed one official superhero movie (Watchmen), which I really enjoyed and he directed one un-official superhero movie (300 – it was a comic book movie at least) that was hella fun. The Overseer who is American (Nolan) directed two superhero movies (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight), which arguably the greatest movies to be created by a human being. So, I’m putting my money on them.

I will admit that I am worried about one thing with these Brits. There are about 60,000,000 Brits out there and they seem to be accounting for a third of the actors and so forth out there. At this rate, the Brits may overtake the Jews with the ridiculous ratio of “not many of them” to “they are in every movie and TV show” ratio. It is about all us Jews have, so stay off it you Brits.

Suck it, Redford.

A great looking guy born in Southern California who got a scholarship to college to play baseball only to have it taken away for drunkenness and then went to the Pratt Institute to study art then moved to Europe to live as a painter and then went to New York City to study as an actor then at 22 married an 18 year old girl named Lola Van Wagenen…

What I’m saying is that if Robert Redford died at 23 years old, he would have lived a better life than 99% of human beings who have ever walked this fucking Earth. Her name was fucking “Lola” “Van” something?! Unreal. Let alone this man did not die at 23. He kept living an amazing life all the way until this very stupid day.

Cry me a river, Redford.

Loved you in The Sting as well as all humans ever, so shut it.

 

It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time!

Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.

What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?

A – Age?

B – Beauty?

C – Order I would have sex with them?

D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?

E – All, but A?

THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.

Uhhhh… what? Is he back? I want IT.

YES!

I’M BACK!

And I think at this point, if given the opportunity to have sex with Kristen Stewart then I think I have to take it. As well as all of you. I mean seriously. If you read or wrote or watched or talked about chocolate cupcakes for a year and a half straight and never actually ate a cupcake, but then had the opportunity to have sex with the maker of all cupcakes then you should fuck the cupcakes out of that cupcake man. Cupcake woman. Who made cupcakes?

That took a turn.

Minus fucking cupcake people, Kristen Stewart. Oh man, what if you got the chance to have sex with Kristen Stewart in a pile of cupcakes? Fuck! That is the storyline of the greatest fanfic ever! That was a lightning bolt to my brain and my testicles. Cupcakes and Kristen Stewart sex.

And it is clearly open to sequels… cupcake sex is open to slash as well. Cupcakes do not hold any prejudice about gay sex in the cupcake room.

What was I talking about?

Right! We were talking about Kristen Stewart being cool with red bearded guys getting drunk and handsy on them in public, which is great because I am red bearded …

SNOW WHITE

Twitter and the Egyptian people of Egypt have been going nuts over this news that Kristen Stewart has been rumored to be up for the part of talking to the people making the move who are casting in their minds the idea of maybe having her read for the role in a hypothetical audition in the future the fantasy of Kristen Stewart as Snow White.

What do I think about this?

It could work. I’m not sure if any of you out there who read this delightful blog know, Kristen Stewart is in a series of movies where she plays more or less a doe eyed, alarmingly helpless, young woman, constantly in a state of distress and in need of rescue by a handsome heroic man. I’m pretty sure Bella could easily be taken out of the Pacific Northwest then put into these silly clothes above, surround her by dwarfs, tell her the Prince is a vampire and not much has changed. Snow White lives in the woods; Bella loves sleeping in the woods. Snow White instantly falls in love with some Prince she just meets; Bella is can’t get her panties off fast enough for the vampire in her science class.

They’re definitely going to alter the storyline for this movie, so why not have a scene where Kristen takes a blood soaked dagger and cuts away that long yellow dress down to a micro skirt and then takes to the castle for a showdown cat+knife fight with the Queen, which ends with Kristen getting her head smashed into the famous mirror where it shatters and Kristen with her face crimson red grabs a shard of glass and stabs the shit out of the Queen. I would like it.

That’s me. Whatever.

Good looking. I think it is a toss-up between Anne Hathaway and Katherine Heigl for me. But I wanted to group Tom and Anne together because their both in the Bat Man movie. Anyway, Katherine Heigl was in a movie called “Life As We Know It” and when I flew back from Saint Thomas over the weekend, the trailer for that movie played on a constant loop on the TV screen in front of me. I wasn’t about to pay $6 for Direct TV that flight. I have an iPod so I listened to music the whole flight, but I did catch myself staring at that trailer for quite a long time.

Three things:

1. I could upload my pictures from my trip if you are at all curious about them.

2. Katherine Heigl is a good looking woman.

3. Katherine Heigl makes movies that make me want to jump off a bridge. Can she not be cast in something good? It seems like it was sheer asinine luck she got “Knocked Up”. Why isn’t she at least in one dramatic movie? Seriously, Kirsten Dunst is in a ton of dramas. Throw the Heigl in there. She seems poised to snap at any moment.

Oh hi Anne Hathaway. Is this how you hang out? Doesn’t seem comfortable, but who am I to judge?

Anne Hathaway seemingly was cast as Selina Kyle/Catwoman in the next Batman movie. I’m thoroughly unmoved by this. I have consistently said that Catwoman has to be in the new Batman movie. These two previous Batman movies feel like totally different movies and the third should feel like a totally different movie as well and one way to do that is to have a truly memorable female character in the movie as opposed to the other two. In the first two movies, Batman barely gets a kiss. His sex life is crazy boring and he is more or less a-sexual. They need to sex it up. Have him invigorated by Catwoman. Have a woman who is turned on by Bats and not the alluring down trodden rich playboy Bruce Wayne. Can Anne pull that off? That’s what she said and maybe.

Anne Hathaway has played some sexy roles, so she could be sexy. Can she be athletic and seen as a tough chick? I don’t know. Out of the 6 or so chicks they rumored, Anne is at least a much better choice than Blake Lively or Naomi Watts in my opinion. She at least has some nice luxurious dark long hair like Catwoman has in a lot of the comic books. Should be interesting.

Tom Hardy. He’s a good looking man and he has admitted to having sex with other men, so that’s why I would rather have sex with him than Henry Cavill. Experience and I never liked the show The Tudors, so I would probably have to lie to Cavill that I liked that show when we are having gay sex.

I was not at all surprised that Tom Hardy was cast as Bane.

I don’t know why others were. I guess if you only know Tom Hardy from Inception then you might wonder why he was cast to play an enormous professional wrestling sized villain, but…

This is also Tom Hardy. This is from the movie Bronson he made a couple years ago. If he can get back to that bulk then he’s perfectly fine for Bane. The only big difference is that Tom won’t be like 7 feet tall or whatever Bane is, but unless they’re casting Shaquille O’Neal then they’re not getting a 7 footer anyway.

I like Bane.

I like Catwoman.

Supposedly, there is no Two Face in this one, which I’m a little displeased with, but I have faith in the movie of course.

Henry Cavill is dashing.

As mentioned, I was not a fan of The Tudors, but I did watch the first couple seasons. Definitely the best part of the show (minus any nudity) was Henry Cavill. Henry here was cast as Superman in the new Superman movie directed by Zack Snyder and “overseen” by Christopher Nolan. I’m crazy excited for this movie. I am happy that Henry was cast over the Eye-talian sounding guy from True Blood. I’ve seen a few too many episodes of True Blood and not one of those people shows me any “acting” “talent”. So I was at least happy that some guy and not that guy from True Blood got it.

As for Cavill, I mean he has dark hair and is good looking and will get in great shape for the movie. Good for him. My faith in this movie has nothing to do with my thoughts on Henry though. I have enjoyed the hell out of everything Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan thus far and I plan to enjoy the hell out of this. I think Zack is going to make Superman a fucking bad ass. And he should. Superman is the baddest man on the planet – bar none. He is SUPER… MAN. The dude flies, shoots laser beams from his eyes, can punch holes through steel, is indestructible, and can basically bend all scientific laws to his will. If Zack can make a bunch of nekkid dudes in loin cloths the baddest action heroes in history then he can take the blue boy in tights and the red cape and make him the HERO he actually is.

I expect a bad guy.

I expect a real villain.

I expect a fight scene that will defy all limits of awesomeness.

I expect a couple more fight scenes that will do the same.

I’m psyched.

Lastly…

Robert Redford made an announcement…

He is swad.

“Swad” is sad, but said like a speech impediment having child in a Disney movie. “Swad”. Rwobert Rwedford is sooooo swad.

Apparently, Robbie feels disrespected that no one asks him to be in movies anymore. Apparently, Robbie only directs because no one will cast him in stuff, but he still wants to work, so he casts himself in the movies that he directs. Oh no! Robert Redford is swad because after 50 years of making movies people are not casting him the way people are casting the likes of youngins like Robert Pattinson. Oh noes! Screw Tunisia. Screw Egypt. Screw Yemen. Screw the world! There is a man, a man with millions of dollar and a 50 year career that is still on going who feels slighted because he is not in billion dollar movies anymore. This is a travesty.

Basically, I don’t care about Robert Redford and kind of think he needs to fuck off.

I just went over Red’s IMDB page and there are at least 10 or so movies he’s made that are great. At the same time, he hasn’t made a good movie since at least 1998. The Horse Whisperer came out in 98. I’m not a fan of the movie per say, but I won’t say it is a bad movie. It’s a good movie for what it is. But I probably would go back to 1993 or 1992 to when he made a good movie for me. Indecent Proposal is from 1993 and it is an ok movie. I think the premise is excellent. It’s not the best movie, but I can’t deny how captivating and alluring the movie’s premise was. It stole the attention of pop-culture for awhile and I definitely give it credit for that. But I never sit around thinking about Indecent Proposal or wanting to see it. He was the narrator for A River Runs Through It, which is a great movie. I don’t know if I’ll give him any “acting” credit for that. Instead, in 1992 he was in the movie Sneakers, which is a great movie. I actually re-watched that a month or two ago. Good flick. Redford is good in it. Sidney Portier is in it. River Phoenix is in it. Good flick. And it is from 19 years ago. Maybe that’s why no one casts Redford.

Or maybe he asks for too much money.

Or maybe he is a dick.

Or maybe he is a man who built a career around being a heartthrob and is now going to be 75 years old this year and the movie studios don’t think they can sell to the much younger movie goers of this world that they want to have sex with this…

And that’s why Robert Redford needs me in Hollywood.

I’ll sign my soul away to direct/write movies about 60+ year old protagonists (man or woman) who are sex symbols. Seriously, I got time on my hands.

I’m back.

It’s freezing.

 

Kristen Stewart In Vogue and The Eight Ganeshas

I figured it out.

I imagine the people at Vogue magazine are awfully full of themselves these days with how no one as of YET has called them out on their ripe with symbolism cover spread they did on Kristen Stewart.

Naturally, let me point out that Kristen Stewart does in fact want IT in all these pictures. That is a given like gravity, but if you don’t mention gravity in an equation then all the pissy four-eyed pencil havers in the room make snide comments about “is this all happening on Lecturn VII where there is no gravity” and you’re like “shut the fuck up, Steve, or I’ll wedgie you and drag you back to your old highschool to give you a swirley!” Then there is the usual throwing of Jello pudding snacks and Triscuits and it becomes a mess.

Besides these pictures being another testament to the want, they are also a pictorial metaphor that is quite well done by Vogue with Kristen Stewart personifying one of the eight Hindu Temples in the Maharashtra state of India that house eight district idols of Ganesha… in a pre-ascertained sequence. … OBVIOUSLY!

In layman’s terms, Kristen Stewart is Ashtavinayaka.

The first telling moment that these pictures are a metaphor for Ashtavinayaka is the frames of blacked out glass behind Kristen Stewart. There are nine frames in total, but only 8 are visible and there are 8 temples and there are 8 pictures in this set – so I mean what the fuck else are these pictures about VOGUE?!

This picture is clearly of the first temple Mayureshwar. It was built from black stone during the Bahamani reign, which is why Kristen is wearing black heels in this picture to symbolize the foundation that is her and of the famous Mayureshwar temple. The temple from a distance looks like a mosque on purpose to help prevent attacks on it during the Mughal periods. As for Kristen, her hair from a distance looks like she’s wearing a helmet and one knows never to fuck with someone wearing a helmet. No matter what the reason for the helmet, they have a reason and it means “stay away”.

The murti or depiction of Lord Ganesha is riding a peacock at Mayureshwar and it couldn’t be anymore obvious that Kristen’s dress is supposed to be that spotted peacock. What else could it be?! I mean really.

As you all are aware from just the first glimpse of this it is the second temple Siddhivinayak. This is the only murti of the eight where the trunk of Lord Ganesha is positioned to the right, and that trunk is the inexcusable amount of want coming from Ms. Kristen Stewart. These two black tie clad gentlemen here are 100% clearly a depiction of the two saints Shri Morya Gosavi and Shri Narayan Maharaj of Kedgaon who received their enlightenment at this temple. I mean it is as clear as fucking day! Come on! How have I not seen an article written about this?! What else is the picture supposed to be about? You tell me! If it isn’t about Siddhivinayak then I could only guess these two guys are tuxedoed gigolos who are about to have a threesome or run a train on the lovely Kristen Stewart and that can’t be possible. Kristen Stewart doesn’t hire gigolos. If she did they would probably wear flannels and not tuxedos.

The third temple is Ballaleshwar. The story behind the temple is Ganesha is believed to have saved this boy-devotee, Ballala, who was beaten by local villagers and his father (Kalyani-seth) for his single-minded devotion to him. And in this picture obviously Kristen Stewart is Ballala the wide-eyed in awe boy devotee looking up wantingly to Lord Ganesha in this strange sub-continent version of Oliver Twist. This temple is facing the East and Kristen is facing the East… if you move your computer monitor in the correct direction to face the East – if you’re not then you’re all feng shui-ed wrong. The shape of the idol itself bears a striking semblance with the mountain which forms the backdrop of this temple. This is more prominently felt if one views the photograph of the mountain and then sees the idol… and in this picture that is Kristen’s bunny buck teeth. Awww she’s got a little bunny overbite. It’s so cute. Just a wittle. Just a wittle bunnwy ower bwite. Yesh she does!

This is the fourth temple Varadavinayak. I’ve been double checking all my facts about these 8 temples with my own personal deity: Wikipedia. Instead of short sheeting Wiki on this one, it would just make more sense if I just let Wiki handle this temple. Here is the background story:

The handsome Prince Rukmangad refused sage Vachaknavi’s wife Mukunda’s illicit call, and was cursed to suffer from leprosy. Mukunda was satisfied by Indra who deceived her as Rukmangad and she bore a child by name Grutsamad. When Grutsamad came to know about the real story he cursed his mother Mukunda to become the tree of Bori and she in turn cursed him to bore a demon son named Tripurasur, the one who was defeated by Shiva after praying the Ranjangaon Ganesha. Grutsamad after getting cursed went to the forest of Pushpak and worshipped Ganesha. Sage Grutsamad is famous for the mantra GaNanaN Tva. He founded the temple and called this Ganesha: Varada-Vinayak.

And that is all Kristen Stewart’s hair.

Which is pretty self-explanatory.

As you can guess, this is Chintamani. The main story behind this temple revolves around a certain jewel, which is the Chintamani jewel. The Chintamani jewel is represented in this picture by Kristen Stewart’s boobs. Her boobs are literal rare jewels and after Ganesha re-obtained the Chintamani jewel the sage Kapila put the jewel in Ganesha’s neck and what is right below Kristen’s neck… her boobs or jewels. Right? Of course, Kristen Stewart holding her left leg is a reference to Ganesha’s left trunk. That’s no coincidence.

This is the Girijatmaj temple. The story is that Shiva’s wife Parvati performed penance to beget Ganesha at this point and that is why Kristen is in a frilly skirt by a window sill. That’s how you perform penance to beget Ganesha obviously. More importantly, this temple has no electricity and is worshiped during the day amongst the rays of the sunlight… same here with Kristen. We’re all worshiping Kristen Stewart by the light of the Sun. Yeah, I want to worship her in this picture. Worship the shit out of her. Worship her until I’ll need to refuel with Gatorade. She also looks like the sexiest American college student turned French cafe waitress. Could that be a movie? I think so. I think an international business man who takes frequent trips to said cafe while he is in Paris starts to fall for Kristen. As well as, a local starving artist who spends his days anti-socially toiling over his work in this cafe and after weeks of saying nothing to Kristen – he soon realizes that the muse, the love of his life has been quietly and politely serving him coffee each and every day. Then the two men try to woo Kristen – kind of like Shopgirl, but with a lot more coffee and badly translated French.

Boom! Fucking print.

This is the seventh temple Vighnahar. The Cliff’s notes of this temple is that the King of Gods created a demon and that demon destroyed one organized prayer and then went on to kill all these parishioners. The people then pleaded with Lord Ganesha to defeat this demon and Ganesha did because Ganesha gets shit done. Either way, this is Kristen Stewart and her want and the only way she could be defeated at this point is by Lord Ganesha. So Kristen Stewart is an all powerful demon… in this picture. Kristen Stewart is an unstoppable demon who will kill all of her worshipers and would need divine intervention to stop her from destroying the world… in this picture.

This is the last and eighth temple, Mahaganapati. The idol faces the east, is seated in a cross-legged position with a broad forehead, with its trunk pointing to the left. And this is the eighth temple and this is the eighth picture, so there ya go. Also, this temple is believed to be where Shiva worshiped Ganesha before fighting the demon Tripurasura… and we all know Shiva loved green ringer tee shirts, so there is that.

Thank you for going on this insane journey. Hope you enjoyed the “learning”.

Questions for Friday.

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Did These Dresses Cost More Than My Car?

Or the original title…

“If you’re going to be made fun of by Ricky Gervais, you may as well wear an expensive ass dress for the occasion.”

I did not watch the Golden Globes because they’re stupid. I tried to think of something clever, maybe even a metaphor or at the very least an SAT level word with multiple upon multiple syllables, but “stupid” is 100% too accurate. I don’t know why I ever thought the Golden Globes meant anything when I was younger. Probably because I was too stupid to realize how stupid these awards are. Who the hell is the Hollywood Foreign Press? Hollywood is not foreign and Foreigners have no say in what the citizens of America do. And the “press”? Isn’t the media the enemy? And aren’t foreign enemies “terrorists”?

Basically the Golden Globes are who the terrorists think should win best supporting actor for a made-for-TV miniseries. Oh yeah, I’m tuning in to watch that shit.

Nevertheless, there are a lot of chicas y mujeres who attend this event and when they do attend they get all gussied up like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman aka whores. Am. I. Right? Uhhh… Anyway, if you can’t see Photobucket at work or in the state penitentiary you currently reside in then my bad and for the rest of you… P-I-C-T-U-R-E-S!

Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit. I’m telling you, if you have a shot at this girl – fucking lock it up! Look at her in this dress. What are you 14 or 15? How many chicks do you know who dress like this? You’re fucking this up every second you are not asking this chick out! And by “this” I mean the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Did you see True Grit yet? That was fucking Matt Damon she was talking to. Matt Damon. You’re 14 so you probably don’t understand that movies get better than The Bourne Identity trilogy, but they do and either way Matt Damon is pretty bad ass. They don’t ask just anybody to read On The Road for the audio book. Or maybe they do. I don’t know. I don’t work in the audio book industry. I would like to, but it just hasn’t worked out that way yet. Either way, GET THE FUCK ON MARRYING HAILEE ALREADY!

Hailee should definitely be nominated for best actress. I’ll stop there because I hate the Oscars too. In my own crazy subjective mind, I’m just nominating people for an ongoing awards show that will never take place. And in it, Hailee Steinfeld is nominated for best actress for True Grit. Sadly, she loses to Natalie Portman in Black Swan, but Hailee does win “break out actress of the year” award, so that’s good.

This chick is from Glee and she looks hot. She looks hot in a way where she looks legal as opposed to any of the shots I have seen of her dressed as a cheerleader from Glee where she looks crazy jailbait hot. For a show that is designed for heterosexual ladies and homos, there are a lot of hot teens on the show and usually dressed as cheerleaders. I think I grabbed a pic of Lea Michelle somewhere along the line, but all the kids from Glee were there and they all looked great. The black one, the redhead, the gay one, the other gay one, the Asian, the gay one, and Jane Lynch. Lynch looked the best I think I have ever seen her in a dress. I also don’t think I have ever seen her in a dress. Jane Lynch and I stopped going to dress parties along time ago.

I appreciate the effort Megan Fox. I really do. I have absolutely no idea why you are anywhere near an awards show that does not also feature the words “Spike”, “Maxim” or “Best Makeout with Amanda Seyfried Award”. Is Megan Fox still making movies? Anyway, I like the pose. If she didn’t stand in this awkward manner then we would have no clue that there is an opening in her dress running from the floor up to her vagina and for that I say “God Bless You.”

Yeah, I like it. Not that I was ever hiding it, but I am definitely a card carrying member of the “Elisabeth Moss get exponentially more bangable every time I see her” Union… also known as “Elisabeth Moss is a lovely young woman… who is begging for it, am I right?” Union. Yes we are a Union and get discounts at local Pep Boys auto shops. Moss is showing off all the shoulders and arms in this picture. All of ‘em. As we all learned from Clueless, guys seeing naked skin on a lady makes them think of sex. What girls may not know is that everything makes guys think of sex, but sure nudity helps in that area as well. Yeah, she looks excellent.

Not sure why J-Lo is at the Golden Globes, also I’m not sure why she looks so effin’ sad. What’s up, Lo? Do people still call her J-Lo? Do people still call her? Remember when her and Ben Affleck were the number 1 stars on the planet and the world hated them so much as a couple that the two of them literally destroyed their careers and have been fighting tooth and nail to get them back? I’m not digging this dress. I feel like this is a dress that an older actress would wear to show up she is still sexy past 60, but on J-Lo it looks like she is thoroughly depressed. Buck up, J-Lo. You’re on American Idol. You get to hang out with Ryan Seacrest and Steven Tyler all day… yeah you should just be depressed.

Did you guys notice my bow flower? You didn’t? It is near my left shoulder. Do you see it? Do you think it is too big? I’m not sure if I think it is big enough. I mean I can’t see out of my left eye because of how big it is now, but my left eye is totally overrated.

And/or…

I’ll do anything to distract people from staring at my tits nowadays. How would you like it if your breasts were the number 1 article for a span of 3 months in every major and non-major media outlet? Well, I know one person who would like that same attention…

BOOBS!

It’s ole’ Tits McGee over here.

Did anyone read that article about Eva Longoria being single and having BOOBS(!) because this just in both of those things are true.

What type of dress do you want? Long black with a belt… I just want my boobs to be on display like they’re the Hope Diamond.

And she’s not from the future? I really think you all are incredibly wrong about this. When… not if… when Angelina Jolie reveals that she has been cutting down on traveling costs going back and forth between Los Angeles, New Orleans, Africa, and Thailand by using her own superhuman ability of flight … I for one will not be shocked. And/or she uses a teleportation device that has yet to be invented and only exists in “her time”. Angelina Jolie also looks like she stepped out of a comic book and she is evil in that comic book.

Melissa Leo won for best supporting actress. I don’t remember who she was nominated against, but I could see her being awarded best supporting actress from a group of terrorists. Why not? Melissa Leo is good in The Fighter, but her character is kind of completely inconsequential in the movie because through all the shit that she puts Mark Wahlberg through everything kind of ends up fine and nothing is really made of her being dick to her own son. Whatevs… that movie was meh. She looks great though.

This is Leighton Meester. I mention this because you may also mistake Leighton Meester for a background character in Gone With The Wind. I’m not sure if you need to remind these young ladies, but there is a ticking clock on the sexiness of youth and you’re wasting it in a dress like this. Think about it this way, Minka Kelly was named sexiest chick alive by some magazine this past year and Leighton Meester was hired for The Roommate because she looks remarkably twin like to Minka Kelly, so if I did my calculations correctly then she should be wearing half as many clothes as she is now. At least half.

Bam! Green. Elisabeth Moss, Angelina Jolie and now Mila Kunis. I don’t know if any banks were robbed in the Los Angeles area over the weekend, but I would certainly watch a movie of the three of them in these dresses robbing banks. And cuddling. And showering. That’s the least Hollywood could do for me as I have sat through the horribleness of The Newton Boys and Public Enemies, which is oddly enough just as terrible as The Newton Boys. And Mila Kunis is single and I estimate by March she will be dating a male celebrity I literally hate.

Amy Adams is the fucking cutest. I was going to make jokes about she must go to the same bow flower designer as Christina Hendricks, but Amy Adams is too fucking cute. I’m not wishing for her death or anything, but when she does die the scientists of the world better snatch her body quickly because I’m pretty sure they’ll be able to find a rare element in every cell of her body called “Cutetine” with a periodic symbol of Aa and it will change the business of making things cute forever. Also she looks pretty fucking great in a pair of booty shorts and a black bra – thank you The Fighter.

Olivia Wilde y’all. I like it. It is definitely a different look for her and I didn’t recognize her at first, but I like it. I think she’s pulling this off really well. I feel like she is in one of those romantic comedy movies where the girl is in the dress maker’s shop and is trying on a dress and then she sees the guy of her dreams run by the window and she takes off running for him or something like that. I mean she looks good and her hair looks like it wasn’t ready to be in that dress, but I like it anyway. I don’t know, I like it.

Tron Legacy may have been the worst movie ever, but I like this looks you got there Olivia Cockburn. Yeah, that’s her real name. Get over it. Actually laugh for a few minutes and then get over it.

Whaddup. I’m 4’10″ of Jewish jailbait and I’m wearing a 10 foot dress. Also, doesn’t Lea know that Breast Cancer Awareness month was October? How tacky. She looks good. It’s too much for me personally. To me it looks like a giant king size comforter that she wrapped around herself and she is dragging it around with her.

Looking good Julie Bowen. I just typed your name into Google to double-check the spelling of your name and the first words that populated after your name were “breast feeding”. That’s normal, right? Yahoo wasn’t too into this dress. I think it looks fine. I’m not into all the ruffles or dust clumps or whatever it is at the bottom of the dress, but she looks goods. The only real knock I have against the dress is that in no way shape or form are we able to see her amazing legs, which she put on full display on Conan a couple of weeks ago. I’m a big fan of Bowen. She looks like a classy lady. Why would you want me to make fun of a classy lady like Julie Bowen? What is wrong with you people? And by you people I mean the Vietnamese of course.

Natalie “Preggers” Portman. My initial reaction when seeing this picture was humming to myself “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison. And Natalie is the rose and the thorn is her unborn baby half-French baby gestating in that delicate tummy of hers. That guy was French, right? Whatever. It was a baby conceived on the set of a ballet movie, so the kid is at least a quarter French for just that. And jeez Natalie, put those shoulders away. Hasn’t sex gotten you into enough trouble already?

Just joking. I would raise that half/quarter French child with Natalie Portman in a heartbeat. She should definitely win best actress for Black Swan and no one should see No Strings Attached because it looks horrible.

This is the real Emma Stone or a wax statue of her? More than anything I believe that Emma Stone is playing the role of a silhouette in this picture. I don’t think I can see a definitive detail on her except the edge outline of her existence. It’s like someone photoshopped her into this picture with the magic lasso wand tool in MS-Paint.

Yeah, she’s still here. Milla Jovovich is killing it right here. She looks amazing. She may look the best out of everyone shown thus far in my opinion. Why she is at the awards show? No fucking clue. Was she invited? Probably not. Would someone stop her? I hope not. She’s great looking and she has been extensively training in fight choreography for what seems like at least a decade now. I bet that bony bitch can throw a fucking wicked spinning back elbow that would cut your damn eye out. Nevertheless, her hair looks great, her dress looks great and she wants IT. And isn’t that all that matters?

From the sneaky BOOBS collection comes Katey Sagal. I stopped watching Sons of Anarchy. I gave up on that show. I also gave up on Big Love. I stopped watching last season and then I caught the last 5 minutes of this season and I’m thoroughly over that show. I don’t know how many times I need to see those three wives arguing about the same nonsense over and over again and see Bill give the same speech over and over again about how he is trying to do his best. Anyway, Katey Sagal has some great cleavage going if you tilt your computer at the correct angle.

HOME WRECKER! Did everyone read about that? Julia Stiles and Michael C. Hall are together and she broke up his happy little marriage with that other girl from Dexter. Weird right? She looks pretty pleased with herself about it. Bitch. Am I right ladies? This dress is pretty dramatic. Black. She looks good I guess, but this was for the Golden Globes? I mean if Adolf Hitler threw a master race ball at the Eagle’s Nest surrounded by stolen paintings from the Louvre then this would be purrr-fect.

Boom. This is not that great of a picture, but Christina Aguilera was really sexing it up at the Golden Globes. I have seen a few references that she looked “Jessica Rabbit” – like and I see where those people are coming from. Either way, I think she looks pretty hot and I believe she grew up in Pittsburgh, so I’ll just assume she is a Pittsburgh Steelers fan and in doing so I am now in love with Christina Aguilera. Also, I know how to spell her name correctly without even looking it up on Google. So that’s a foundation for marriage, right? She still has all her pop-star money, right?

Come on. Seriously. Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted the time I’ve spent of fantasizing about Michelle Williams when I see pictures like this. What’s the deal? This isn’t the first time either. This above female will be playing Marilyn Monroe in a movie. They didn’t cast her because she just looked whatever. Is she going to a hippie wedding after the awards show? Is it a hippie wedding of a girl who didn’t want Michelle Williams to up stage her, so she specifically told her not to look like a hot chick who could possibly look like Marilyn Monroe level of hotness?

Jennifer Love Hewitt, it’s a nice dress, but seriously? I would need to be in a helicopter to see your glorious cleavage. You have constructed a Berlin Wall between the wanting eyes of the world and your boobs. That wall looks more fortified than Helm’s Deep. What the fuck?

Fucking BOOM! January Jones got the fucking memo. The BOOBS memo.

Honestly who the fuck cares about the rest of this picture? You know you are only staring at her boobs for the first 15 minutes then maybe at her hair and then straight back at the boobs. I believe Jason Sudeikis had a hand in picking this dress out. Honey? Should I wear the blue dress with the ribbons or the red dress where my boobs like fucking enormous? The red one? You sure? Ok.

Yeah, that happened as well. Sofia Vergara knows how to wear a dress. Yes she is a comedian now, but there was a time where she was paid to wear dresses and just look fucking excellent in every outfit and position possible. Old habits die hard.

Wow. Worst. What in the fuck is going on here? Is Sandra Bullock playing at Lilith Fair? Is this why Scarlett Johansson dumped Ryan Reynolds because he is into this? I feel like her hair is an alien parasite sucking out her body’s lifeforce. I may be wrong about that, but that is my guy instinct. Kill it with fire usually works.

I love it. Black corset, micro skirt and see-thru window drapes – that’s a dress. Halle Berry will never not be great looking. Mark my words on that one. Seriously, what age is she? Because she has looked the exact same for the past 10 years at least.

Can you believe I’m wearing this? Heheheheh, me neither. Hahahahah. I’m so giddy that I’m wearing this. I really hope this dress is for some charity or was designed by a kid with a handicap because outside of that someone should check if Julieanne Moore can see correctly. I’m just saying cataracts can sneak up on anyone.

Hot. She looks like a doll. I don’t know if that is hot, I just know that is what it is. This is Barbie at the Golden Globes. Not much else to really say. Yahoo wasn’t impressed. Yahoo is lame.

We get it. You’re artsy. Now dress like a fucking human.

If it weren’t for Fight Club then I could completely do without Helena.

I’m still right with the 50 over 60 list.

If they ever do a James Bond in his retirement years then BLAM you have your Bond girl and dress right here.

Sarah Hyland from Modern Family is legal. I swear. She looks amazing per usual. And legal. Definitely legal. Let me check IMDB for a second one more time… and yes still legal. Yeah, she’s good looking and of an age of consent.

Lastly, Tina Fey because why the fuck not. Arguably the most talented of the women listed here and she looks great. Just a classy dress. Not trying too hard and looking like an idiot like some of these women. And at the same time, she looks great. She’s a classy lady.

And she writes funny dick and fart jokes. So really classy.

It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died… DEUX!

FEBRUARY MOVIES

motherfuckers

I left off with the month of January on Tuesday and then did not write anything on Wednesday and today is Thursday and it is the month of February ahead of us. MOVIES FROM THE FUTURE!

But first…

Against my better judgment I suppose, I follow many of you on Twitter and in doing so I cannot escape the sappy tsunami that is Twilight. I guess for you all that follow me you can say “against your better judgment” you follow me and in doing so you cannot escape “football” or random pop-culture references or inside jokes that only I get. Nevertheless, yesterday my timeline was hijacked by this image much like “FEATHERS!” did whenever that happened.

I will say that this picture out does FEATHERS! just by the sheer fact that that is the actors from the movie and I can see that instead of a hand, anyone’s hand, and some FEATHERS! At the same time, I really don’t find this picture in the least bit sexy or romantic. To be critical of the lighting and color and that they look like they may be inches from the Earth’s Sun or how blown out (not sexual) they look from all the white so really all that is distinguishable is Kristen’s hair and his knuckles next to her hair.

More than anything I think the dumb point of this is that with Kristen’s eyes closed, unemotional look on her face, and in an odd position of lightly grazing Rob’s chin with the back of her index finger – she could be a mannequin or dead and rigor mortise has set in or they’re role-playing and Kristen Stewart is Helen Keller and Rob Pattinson is Annie Sullivan. At second glance it sort of looks like Rob has his eyes closed as well. Maybe they can’t open their eyes because there is a billion watt bulb burning a hole through the right side of their bodies because the director thought that would look good. Or maybe they are having Stevie Wonder sex.

Seriously, are there no blind people who are famous post Stevie Wonder? (David Patterson excluded because he is only regionally famous)

MOVIES!

The Roommate

There have been an ass ton of movies where one girl gets obsessed with another one and then that first one ends up trying to kill the other one so she can become her. Because there are so many movies with this plot, I can only naturally assume this is happening in real life. So think about the girls you are friends with. Think about the one that most closely resembles yourself. Now realize that at some point she may try to kill you and take your life or vice vera and you’ll do that to her. So start your preparations for either eventuality.

Single White Female was one of the better movies of this type, but the real reason to see this movie is that Leighton Meester is hot…

and Minka Kelly is hot…

And they do look remarkably similar. It’s like the Jay Chou and John Cho thing all over again except I don’t have to make a life changing decision or have a long talk with my parents about me wanting to have sex with these two in a faux twins threesome.

But there is the internet so you can look up pictures of them on the internet or even look up Leighton’s foot fetish sex porn and save the $10 it would be to see this movie.

Sanctum

The only reason I mention this movie is because it is in 3D! Outside of that, it is about a bunch of deep sea researchers off the coast of South Africa I think and they get caught underwater with little amount of supplies and it is a race against time whether they get out or not. They knew the risks. I’m just betting they die and never seeing this movie ever. Sanctum? Pfffttt…

The Eagle

If the Roman Empire could see now what horrendous movies they spawn on the reg they wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble and let the Germanic tribes take them over long long long ago. Wow. I really thought we as a people had done enough to the memory of arguably the greatest empire in history and then we went all Channing Tatum on their ass. I don’t wish upon my worst enemy Channing Tatum. That kid has a nack for making horrendous movies in a way I did not know was possible. Has anyone seen Fighting? Oof. Arguably the best bit of acting Channing Tatum has done was being shot in the back to death at 100 yards by Christian Bale in Public Enemies. That movie sucked as well, by the way. There really should be a moratorium placed on making films about Rome because for what is the basis of the American educational system’s history department for much of your life – no one knows dick about it and is doing a terrible job representing it.

Don’t see this movie. Go watch anything else.

Gnomeo & Juliet

From the “genius” who brought us Shrek 2, comes a kids version of Romeo & Juliet, but with gnomes. Get it? Me neither. I’d rather get shot in the shoulder with a bullet than see this movie. I’d rather learn the pain of a metal bullet with the force of a thousand hammers tear through my flesh and most likely break a bone or two than see this movie. Unless… in the end “Gnomeo” drinks poison and the gnome Juliet stabs herself to death because that I might pay to see.

Just Go With It

This movie title could not be any more appropriate. In Adam Sandler’s new movie he is a guy who picks up Brooklyn Decker… right there “just go with it” is very appropriate. Are we the audience supposed to believe that Adam Sandler is attracting this…

I have more faith in this world that there is a planet out there called “Pandora” and there are big blue monkeys that play basketball and act like Native Americans who are defending some natural resource that our government is secretly mining for meanwhile these same long blue monkeys ride pterodactyls by sticking their tail in the others’ tail… than Adam Sandler having sex with Brooklyn Decker.

Anyway, for some reason in the movie Sandler has to pretend he is married and Jennifer Aniston is the chick he pretends he’s married to. How convenient I suppose. The movie’s title is in reference to Jen’s character and her kids’ characters that they’re just supposed to “go with it” so Sandler can convince Decker that she is to be with him. I think the title is really a reference that if you like Adam Sandler and you still consider yourself a fan then you’re just supposed to “go with it” as he makes another terrible film where he is sexing up women you honestly don’t believe he could ever get in real life and you’re hoping he’ll decide to make a movie that is funny a few years from now.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

I know little to nothing about Bieber, which is how I like it. I have no idea what “never say never” is in reference to, but it seems wildly out of place for a kid who I believe is 7 years old and is a multi-millionaire and is always trending on twitter to such a degree I’m pretty sure that twitter doesn’t allow his name to be in the trending topics because it would always be there making everyone else feel less important. Is “never say never” about us expecting him to have a concert film in theaters across the nation? Because I would have said that is definitely happening. There have been by my calculations ONE HUNDRED Jonas Brothers concert movies in theaters, so Bieber getting one is not in the least bit surprising.

I re-watched the VMAs the other day and I stand by my assessment of Justin Bieber: Michael Jackson would have molested the shit out of that kid.

The Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Quick review: if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it. Martin Lawrence as an enormous old black woman is gold. Apparently any black man as an enormous old black woman is gold. It worked for Eddie Murphy, it has worked and worked and worked and worked times INFINITY for Tyler Perry and it has worked 3x now for Martin Lawrence.

If I have any advice for Jay Pharaoh on Saturday Night Live it would be QUIT! That show fucking sucks! Jim Carrey was just the host of the show and it was terrible! Secondly, I would say to Jay that he should get a prosthetic mold done of him as a ginormous grandmother with type 2 diabetes and a fashion sense of Mrs. Buttersworth and start working on his fart jokes and prat falls because that is where the money is.

I Am Number Four

Hello there, Teresa Palmer. This lovely lady is I Am Number Four. That’s about it. The rest of the movie appears to be a shitty superhero movie trying to appear to YOU ALL the Twilighters. They’re in high school, they’re all full of angst. I even read an article that I imagine Yahoo was paid to specifically write by the producers of this movie trying to link this movie and Twilight. Will it be the next Twilight? That’s what they asked. Well… no.

No it will not. I Am Number Four will be no more popular than any other movie that comes out in February. Why won’t it be Twilight? Well there are no vampires. Surprisingly enough there are no vampires in this movie. It may be the only movie that has no vampires in it. There are so many vampire, zombie, and alien movies nowadays.

Secondly, there is no FEATHERS and there is no Stevie Wonder sex. So, what does have I Am Number Four have? Teresa Palmer probably doing not too much and probably some shitty fight scenes where the main character whines that he doesn’t want all this pressure of having super hero powers.

I don’t think anyone is planning on seeing this movie anyway, so I’ll just say you should be drinking more water in your daily diet. Just a helpful hint. Also, reduced fat peanut butter is in a lot of ways worse for you than regular peanut butter. And if you are in an elevator and you hold the button of the floor you want to go to and the door close button at the same time it should take you directly to that floor without stopping.

Drive Angry 3D

Let’s not. Nic Cage! If you weren’t satisfied with skipping Season of the Witch and wanted to skip another new Nicolas Cage movie this year then your wait is almost over. Drive Angry 3D is a movie that was specifically designed for the third dimension and for you to wear those stupid glasses to see this shitty movie. Just don’t see it. I know you won’t, but I feel obligated to say don’t. If you want to get high and go see a movie then just don’t choose this one. Choose any number of movies. Just get high and rent something. Stay off the roads. No one needs you high and driving. Just get blazed and rewatch Pineapple Express it will be infinitely more enjoyable.

Two more to go…

Hall Pass

Out of all these movies, Hall Pass may actually render some laughs in a good way. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are two married guys who somehow get their wives to allow them to have a “hall pass” or a week off from marriage to try and get laid with some strange pussy. I get what the ladies think in this movie that their two out of touch husbands wouldn’t be able to pull it off and they’re calling their bluff. I’m not so sure that is the best idea for two men who snagged Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer. I mean they somehow got them right? That’s like a guy running a 6 minute mile being dared to run another mile in under 8 minutes. That seems like a losers bet.

Either way, it is a pretty good cast and I bet Sudeikis and Wilson garner at least a few laughs. But it is coming out in February, so it probably won’t be a cult classic or anything.

Unknown

Liam Neeson.

February is the month of good looking wives. In this movie, Liam Neeson is married to January Jones. Jeebus, right? And I believe it. I buy that. I buy that Liam Neeson gets January Jones. It is crazier to think that the reality in this world is that Jason Sudeikis I believe is with January Jones, but I definitely see Liam Neeson with JJ and pissing off every man inside when they pass by, but earning a ton of respect. Nevertheless… Liam Neeson.

A couple years ago, Liam was in a movie called Taken. That movie and Unknown look remarkably similar that they could be movies that were made a year or two earlier and are just coming out now just for the hell of it because it is a weak month of movies. The movie is a mystery thriller and at some point Liam will shoot a guy with a gun and commit hand-to-hand combat on somebody’s broke ass.

I wouldn’t fuck with Liam Neeson. In the twilight of this man’s life, Liam Neeson has been undergoing a ton of hand-to-hand combat training. No idea why, but this man is well-prepared for any mugging. I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s tall, he is trained self-defense and regardless of age or looks – if you’re white -> you’re fucking Liam Neeson… or I should say would. So, Liam has all my respect.

You don't fuck with Liam Neeson; He fucks with you.

QUESTIONS FOR FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!