Does this thing still work? … It appears that it does!

HELLO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

I’m back and it’s back and by “I’m” I mean me Jordan Kay-Swidge-Izzle your most favorite blogger of 2009/2010 and by “it’s” I mean the saddest, sexist, and, ultimately, addicting reality dating show The Bachelorette.

You can be happy for both of those things or either or neither. I mean if it is neither, lie to me. Pretend you’re happy about me being back and then I can live in my own little dream world for the rest of time until our mutant overlords show up and rule us for the next 600 years until there’s the alien/mutant war, which is as we all know resolved by the mutant/alien orgy, which completely obliterates the human race except for like 150 people and that’s when the alien/mutants all leave planet Earth and it becomes more or less like a big Colonial Williamsburg for alien/mutants to come to and see how humans “live” and the 150 humans are just kind of pretending they’re living the life of your average Pearl Jam listening to civilian in 1995. And yes, the alien/mutants watch us have sex.

What am I talking about?

THE BACHELORETTE IS BACK!!!

Of course, that is exactly what I was supposed to be talking about.

For season 11 of this dumb ass show, Disney has decided that instead of simply having the show where one girl tries to define herself as the wife of one of 25 random dudes and three months after she’s pretended like she’s done that she’ll announce that they’ve broken up and now she’s going to try and kiss as many other Bachelor failures on Bachelor in Paradise.

This season, Disney decided to add to the humiliation it usually lays on the female gender by giving us TWO Bachelorettes and then having the fucking dolts with dicks who are competing for them decide which one of the two bachelorettes actually can be the bachelorette while the other can go fuck off and die.

Also, this does mean that whoever wins to actually just be the bachelorette – unless she wins by a unanimous vote then she will be the first bachelor/bachelorette to have been straight up insulted by the idiots pining for her knowing that they didn’t even want her at all and/or she is completely replaceable commodity to lust at considering they would have been cool with either bachelorette meaning their unrequited love is not unique in the least bit. Right?

So, the doofs who show up to the house either love chick A or chick B. If they love chick A and chick B gets picked and they stay on the show then they really didn’t love chick A at all and honestly could love any 5’2″, skinny, white girl of moderate attractiveness. That’s like half of the guys in the house. Of course, there are the guys who don’t have a real preference for either and are legit showing up to the show like who really cares who I fall in love with, and that’s what a fucking moron would say because that’s not love.

But that’s all the ruse… they’re on the show hoping to hook up with a chick seemingly and in the process they hope to get famous and get their own season of The Bachelor.

As for The Bachelorettes… they hope they can tolerate and have fun while hoping they can spin this into a spot on the next Dancing with the Stars or possibly a talk show or something. Maybe selling juices that say they have magical curative powers and they’ll make a bunch of money and then sell their share of the business and hope that when the lawsuits come in that they’re not apart of the trial and are allowed to simply enjoy their money in the Bahamas. The American dream!

Who pray tell are these bachelorettes?

BRITT

You remember Britt as the fake-est woman in the world from the last Bachelor, right? Well, she’s back and she’s less make-up-y. She got that message pretty loud and clear that the clown prostitute look needed to be curbed if she wanted Disney to invest money into her next faux love venture.

Across from Britt and as she told us last night she is a different person than Britt…

KAITLYN

You may or may not be able to distinguish this for yourself, Kaitlyn is different from Britt. I needed Kaitlyn to tell me that last night for me to be able to finally see it for myself. Thanks, Kaitlyn! I just thought I had double vision and/or the mutants had already shown-up and this one’s power was making multiples of themselves in different evening dresses.

Anywhatzzle… Kaitlyn is 100% better than Britt. Not that I feel bad for Kaitlyn because it’s not like she’s the greatest ever or anything, but to think that people think you and Britt are the same so much that you feel the need to say that you are different has got to a unique nightmare into itself.

Physically – because let’s be honest that’s all that matters – Kaitlyn is better looking than Britt. Kaitlyn has boobs and a butt and that’s more than I can say for Britt. And that’s really all there needs to be said.

Personality – Britt is a robot specifically designed to mirror the signature fake Los Angeles attitude. Kaitlyn’s got this vibe that she’s high and stupid or more stupid plus high. I don’t know. Britt is just deflecting and being fake as fake can be. Kaitlyn tries to be funny, but it’s not like actual funny. She’s like those laughing models in a J. Crew catalogue. What are they listening to Hannibal Burress’ new stand-up special? No, they’re just good looking with no cares in the world and they live in a vaccuum and education hasn’t been a priority for them, so knock knock jokes make them laugh because they have soft brains. Kaitlyn is a good looking soft brained person, and that is strangely a million times better than Britt.

In their bios, Kaitlyn is mentioned to be a “free spirit” who I imagine is an enormous financial drain on her parents. Britt is mentioned to be in connection with a local church in LA, which I assume means she’s insufferable. Kaitlyn is 29 and Britt is 28.

And those are the two women competing to be The Bachelorette.

And the goof-ta-pusses who get to decide whether Britt or Kaitlyn makes it…

Actually, let me interrupt for a second, I’m not entirely sure I think there will be just one Bachelorette. I kind of think on tonight’s second half of the season premiere we’re going to find out there are two Bachelorettes, but maybe I’m wrong. Honestly, I don’t really care. I’m just throwing that out there…

Let’s meet the doofsicles…

Actually, let me interrupt for another second, UNLOVABLE & UNEMPLOYED – I just wanted to hit on that. I thought I would have said something earlier, but I didn’t.

UNLOVABLE – Pretty clear cut. Britt, Kaitlyn, all the people who have ever appeared or will appear on The Bachelor are unlovable. We got that.

UNEMPLOYED – Well, Britt was listed as a “waitress”, but she was only ever shown giving free hugs out on Sunset BLVD in LA. So, she’s jobless. And Kaitlyn was listed as a “former dance instructor”. FORMER! Her job is that she once had a job. That’s not a job. She’s jobless as well. And there are several dudes on this season who have as much gainful employment as the ladies do, which means they have none.

Let’s rundown the dudes who are unlovable and mostly unemployed…

BEN H.

I just want to throw this out here… I hope none of these fellas are dead.

Remember last time, there was one guy who died on The Bachelor from hang gliding and I didn’t know that and I thought his job as “adventurer” seemed stupid, so I said maybe he should go walk off a cliff and he kind of did that and that was unfortunate. So, if one of these guys are dead and they are dead in a way that I may say they should do self harm to themselves because of their dopey sounding bio then that will be unfortunate as well.

Back to Ben H. here… he’s tall at 6’4″, one of his favorite movies is Crash so he’s probably the most boring man alive, and I don’t remember him being on last night’s episode at all. You could view that as a positive or a negative. I’m guessing he probably tried to start a conversation with someone and as he tried to explain how at 26 years old he loves Crash, Sandlot, and 500 Days of Summer and he just melded with the wallpaper never to be seen of again.

BEN Z.

That’s right. Multiple BENS! It’s going to get confusing… oh wait… it might because Ben Z. is also 6’4″, but this guy has two tattoos instead of just one. Either way, I don’t remember this guy either. He’s probably quite boring as well as the other Ben as he is an “entrepreneur” which means he’s unemployed and if you want to argue with me on that – his greatest achievement is getting his personal trainer certificate —-> UNEMPLOYED. Marc Cuban probably calls himself an entrepreneur too, but his greatest achievement isn’t getting a personal trainer certificate, it’s selling his start-up for several BILLION DOLLARS and owning the Dallas Mavericks and Shark Tank and somehow being likable to a section of American even though he’s a grade A tool bag who hates you.

Let’s just say both Bens suck.

BRADLEY

Is this like a fucking trick Disney is playing on me? Who the fuck are any of these guys?!

Bradley sucks. He played tennis in college and one of his favorite movies is Wolf of Wall Street. That’s someone who should legally never be allowed to procreate.

NEXT!

BRADY

Finally, I remember this asshat. Him and Britt were really hitting it off in a way that Britt was just kind of pretending like she was into him like she has human emotions, but she doesn’t. She’s hilarious. Anyway, Brady is the possible protagonist of my unwritten Summer Catch sequel entitled Summer Catch 2: Still Catchin’. Apparently, Brady played a couple years in the minor leagues for the St. Louis Cardinals and maybe around the time they kicked him off the team or maybe in the clubhouse he listened to too many Jack Johnson albums and now he thinks he’s a soulful singer/songwriter and I hope he takes his slow and soothing voice and falls into a spider cave.

CHRIS

No recollection of this dolt. He’s a dentist and his biggest date fear is the girl trying to eat his food. BIGGEST DATE FEAR? He’s actually AFRAID of his date leaning over and just eating his food like a fat older brother?

NEXT!

CLINT

I remember Clint kind of. He seems bland. They all do. I’m not offended by Clint though. I bet he will laugh at every stupid joke Kaitlyn tells and he’ll say how funny she is and blah blah blah. Kaitlyn is not funny. Amy Poehler is funny. Lauren Lapkus is funny. Whatever Clint.

COREY

Was I drinking bleach last night? I do not have a fucking clue who any of these guys are.

They ask these morons who would they have lunch with and he says “the Dalai Lama” followed by “that is an enlightened cat”. Fuck you, Corey.

NEXT!

CORY

UGH! Another Cory? Just take it from me because I just read his short and uneventful bio… Cory sucks.

NEXT!

DANIEL

It says he’s a “fashion designer”, but he was quite the dancer when he got out of the limo last night. That’s really all I remember. It was like limo door open and end scene of Footloose dancing begins. Dude can dance. He is from Nashville, I remember him saying that a few times and two of his three favorite movies are RED FLAGS… Big Fish and What Dreams May Come. Those are not appropriate answers. Something is wrong with Daniel, I don’t know what exactly, but I gave fair warning on that one.

DAVID

He seems fine. I don’t remember him at all and nothing in his bio really sticks out as much more than he’s a stereotypical dude. David and Clint can go hang out and be dudes and maybe squeak their way through some of the show. Although, that’s not going to help them down the line as they need some type of hook and at this point – their bios seems pretty hookless.

IAN

I’m pro Ian at the moment. Dude came onto the show, which is a negative against him, but that’s a given for all these dudes. Moving on from that, he came onto the show solely for Kaitlyn and he didn’t even speak to Britt and cast his rose to keep Kaitlyn on the show and he told Kaitlyn all of this. That right there means he is at the very least 18,000 steps ahead of the idiots who are actually considering being with Britt.

I think Ian was also a runner in college and then got hit by a car and then rebuilt his body like the 6 million dollar man and now he’s some 6’4″ dude on a mission to fuck Kaitlyn’s about 5 foot frame. So good luck to him on his mission.

JARED

He seems like a creep.

NEXT!

JJ

I was about to say I don’t remember this guy and he seems average like the rest – which he still does – but then I saw this one bit in his bio… “Who’s your favorite actor?
Robert Downey Jr. He seems as cool as the other side of the pillow — also respect for how he dealt with adversity and recovery.” … By adversity, he’s talking about how RDJ did whatever the fuck he wanted his entire life including drugs and breaking into people’s houses and sleeping in their child’s crib high as shit on heroin? Yeah, RDJ is a real hero. A dude who got away with being rich and a drug addict and for years was more or less a male Lindsay Lohan and then he turned it all around by making a shit ton of money when he saw that contemporaries of his were making a shit ton of money in action movies and he thought to himself – why not me? And he did it. He’s the best.

JOE

I don’t like Joe. He started every sentence with “I’m from a small town in Kentucky”. THEN GO BACK TO THAT SMALL TOWN AND DIE THERE! Also, you’ve got more gel in your hair than a large town in Texas. Fuck off, Joe.

NEXT!

JONATHAN

I think they tried to show us some sad story of single fatherdom with Jonathan or some sad story about some shit, but what I do remember is Jonathan saying how they should take them to Utah and he should just marry Britt and Kaitlyn at the same time. Yuckity yuck yuck, Jonathan. Fuck you.

NEXT!

JOSH

Josh is a stripper and a lawyer meaning he is both the worst stripper and the worst lawyer. No one wants a stripper who thinks they’re smart and no one wants a lawyer who is actually such a money grubbing whore that they are shoving their dick in strangers faces for singles.

NEXT!

JOSHUA

I think this guy will do pretty well, actually. He’s a welder who made a rose out of metal and it looked quite good. He’s got the hook with that randomness. His bio reads like that of a very even keel simpleton, except for the part where he said he’s climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, which means he’ll get to at least week 7 unless he says something racist. Don’t say anything racist, Joshua and you’ll probably make it to the hometowns!

JUSTIN

Justin is one of several fitness trainers on this show and I don’t remember him from the episode and I’m sure he can join some of the other guys as wallpaper personality-wise.

NEXT!

KUPAH

He’s a dinosaur overlord who has plans for world domination using his cannons and turtle shelled minions. He is still having trouble with those two pesky plumbers at the moment. And, Britt and Kaitlyn do not need to worry about his previous unhealthy stalking and kidnapping of Princess Peach because he’s totally over that uppity broad.

Oh wait… it’s not King Koopah? It’s just Kupah?

Oh right. This guy. Yeah, he didn’t have a job and he dressed like Morpheus in The Matrix and he seemed like he was real into feet. That’s my guess, but I don’t think I’m wrong at all. Dude loves fucking feet.

RYAN B.

I don’t think I liked this guy. I’m pretty sure I thought he was really annoying. At the same time, I find them all annoying.

Checking out his bio… two of his three favorite movies are Sliding Doors and Top Gun, so he’s gay.

Guess it doesn’t matter if Kaitlyn or Britt stays because Ryan just wants fame or a piece of the Chris Harrison ass.

RYAN M.

This guy is 1 of 2 probable registered sex offenders who made it onto this show.

Good news though, Ryan M. was kicked off the show for being a drunk asshole. I think he got kicked off for good, but I don’t know. I left the room for a minute or two and he was gone. Maybe Disney executed him. Probably for the best.

SHAWN B.

Kaitlyn wanted this guy’s dick. Like all of it. She wanted his crank, jank, wank whatever you want to call it – she wanted his stank and her stank to just ank together forever.

He’s a personal trainer and he’s taller than a few of the other ones and Danielle thinks he looks like the evil love child of The Situation and Ryan Gosling, so I’m guessing unless Shawn really fucks this up that he’ll be on the show for quite awhile.

SHAWN E.

Besides being an amateur (read: unemployed) Ian Ziering stand-in, Shawn E. is also an amateur sex coach, which means he’s actualized his creepiness into an unpaid job.

If you’re wondering if I think he’s a sex offender, I’d say no. I don’t think he’s ever had sex. I think this is all a lame attempt at trying to have sex. He’s from Canada, so he’s probably just way too polite to even attempt sex.

He sucks.

He did drive up in a car filled with water, which had nothing to do with being an amateur sex coach, so he’s probably just a weirdo liar.

TANNER

I’m not sure this guy was even on last night’s episode.

I think this is Disney punking me. Playing a little joke.

Tanner is not an actual person.

NEXT!

TONY

Last but far from least is resident sex offender #2 – TONY!

Not just a sex offender in my eyes, I totally think he’s a serial killer. Tony calls himself a “healer” and he’s 35 and I believe he’s murdered at least six cold cases across America’s midwest.

Besides being a legitimate creep, Tony showed up to the first episode of The Bachelorette with a black eye. That alone is fucked up and a cause for all the alarms, but he did not mention the black eye to anyone as far as we the viewers could tell. That means he’s a sociopath and possible feeds on the people he’s killed.

I hope Disney allows the authorities to arrest Tony before he gets his next victim, and they take really good notes about Tony’s nefarious activities because I’m sure they would make for a thrilling, sexually deviant storyline for season 3 of True Detective. 

Anyway…

I am flying to San Francisco tomorrow with Danielle for a wedding.

And I think about you lots when I’m in the shower.

I love you?

Danielle and I rewatched “Jurassic Park” last night. It is a strange fucking movie. I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen it at this point at least 3 dozen times I would think, but it is a fucking weird movie filled with the dumbest characters ever put on film. 

The girl who strangely looks like a mini-Laura Dern is one of the dumbest movie characters in all of movie history. She’s in a Ford Explorer and an actual T-Rex is standing no less than 15 feet away and she decides to jump into the trunk of the car and find an enormous flashlight and turn it on. Why? Why?!!? Pretty much every creature that has ever existed on this planet would be drawn to a beam of light that is moving around. Human beings would be attracted to a beam of light that is moving around! No one in a horror movie has ever done as stupid of a thing as being in a hiding spot in the dark then going out of their way to find a flashlight to turn it on and to point it at the thing they are worried about killing them.

THEN! 20 seconds after she just turned the flashlight on she is 100% incapable of turning the flashlight off! Incapable! Completely cannot figure out how to turn off a flashlight she literally turned on less than a minute ago.

Later, she references herself as a “hacker” and is shown to be a whiz with computers. I guess if the flashlight was turned on and off with Linux software – she would’ve been able to do it.

The movie is also filled with the oddest humor, which makes all the characters seem like sociopath buffoons.

How about Laura Dern being attacked by a velociraptor then an arm falls on her shoulder out of the shadows and she’s all calm for a second like “ohhh, Mr. Arnold” then it turns out it’s a bloody stump of an arm that I guess the velociraptor hid back there for this very moment and that revelation of the bloody arm is what makes Laura realize again that their is a highly murderous dinosaur a couple feet from trying to rip through the tiny little fence between them.

Also, by the end of the movie, Laura Dern is about one more dinosaur chase away from creaming her khaki shorts. SERIOUSLY! She starts off as some archaeological nerd and with every seen Laura Dern fucking wants IT and Wants IT and WANTS IT to the point that she ditches her glasses, ditches her top, and she’s got some pretty serious pokies happening beneath her tank top to the point that they should seriously put those kids in a different chopper off the island because she needs to get Dr. Grant’s D tout de suite in her toot sweet.

I may have missed something on every viewing of Jurassic Park, but…

ARE ALL THE SCIENTISTS AND STAFF OF JURASSIC PARK KILLED BY DINOSAURS?

Where does everyone go?

I feel like they must make some mention of it, but maybe they don’t. Did they escape the island when everyone else was manning the fort?

There are dozens of scientists as well as waiters and chefs on this island. What happened to them? Are they eaten by dinosaurs too?

There’s the shitty, park ranger/doctor who is such a shitty doctor that he doesn’t notice the sick triceratops’ gigantic eyes are dilating. He takes Laura Dern for a ride – not that kind of ride although she certainly wants IT – and then is never seen or heard from again. I mean where did he go? Am I forgetting like a mass exodus sequence where all the chefs and scientists like B.D. Wong get off the island while the rest of our protagonists/morons decide to stay on the island to ‘rassle with the dinos?

AND…

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE “GAME WARDEN”?

More like “gay warden” if you ask me with his sassy khaki shorts showing off more leg than Debbie Does Dallas Laura Dern over there.

First off, he’s a fucking lunatic who wants to kill all the animals in the park, so we might as well make him in charge, right?

Second off, when he finally gets the chance to show off his hunting prowess, he tries to trick the ever-clever raptors by placing his curled-up cowboy hat on a log as if the raptors would spot it and go after that instead of going after him as he tries to flank them. Uhhhhhh, what the fuck?!?!?! What kind of horrible plan is that? That raptor doesn’t know what the fuck that hat is or even going to register that that is a hat and hats are worn by humans, so it should go after it.

IF you’re hunting something and trying to draw it into a trap, you have to put something in the trap area that will lure the animal. A hat ain’t going to do it. Especially, a hat that isn’t even fucking doing anything besides sitting on a stationary log. That raptor and/or any animal ever will just be looking through the jungle and be like, “tree, tree, tree, tree, tree” they’re not going to be like, “tree, tree, tree, hat on a log, tree, tree- WAIT A SECOND! Hat on a log?!??!?! There’s a human under that hat I bet!”

So fucking stupid. Worst hunter ever and worst hire ever by the most inept grandfather of all-time.

Sure, I could criticize Sam Neil’s Dr. Grant character who has a weird perversion with children and, also, doesn’t think to climb around to the other side of the tree where the Ford Explorer isn’t dangling over head, but he’s a mole hill compared to the mountain of idiocy that is John Hammond.

JOHN HAMMOND IS THE FUCKING WORST!!!

Hey, you Santa Claus look-a-like motherfucker, what is going on in your fucking idiot skull?! You’re going to test drive a theme park – that you totally think there’s a chance will kill everyone that steps foot into it – with your grandkids?!

Not only does he test drive the theme park with his fucking grandkids, but could he have a more skeletal crew of people involved with keeping DINOSAURS behind a wire fence? He has one “game warden” for a fucking island of creatures that are all 10x the size of us and we have absolutely no experience keeping control of. ONE GUY IS IN CHARGE OF THAT! Shit, I worked at a non-profit for a few months and my desk was near the mail room and there were 5 people working the mail room. FIVE. Five people sorting mail to be delivered in house to a staff of like 200 people. FIVE. John Hammond hired ONE guy to handle keeping an island of HUNDREDS of DINOSAURS in line from KILLING PEOPLE! John Hammond is the fucking dumbest man ever!

And then when everything falls apart and that Col. Sanders look-a-like motherfucker is simply waiting to hear if his grandkids have been murdered by dinosaurs – what does this fucking idiot do?

HE EATS ICE CREAM WHILE HIS GRANDKIDS ARE POSSIBLY GETTING EATEN ALIVE BY DINOSAURS THAT HE CREATED!!!

Ice cream! The fucking old coot doesn’t grab a walkie-talkie and stand-by pacing around or maybe get off his rich ass and grab a fucking shotgun and try to kill a dinosaur himself. NO! What this fucker does is go into the expansive kitchen of the catering hall and pull out multiple drums of ice cream and then he carries them into the dining room and he just sits down and goes to town on some ice cream. SERIOUSLY!!

This dude bought an island, bought scientists to make dinosaurs, filled the island with dinosaurs, hired less than the minimum of people to run this island and the highly-dangerous dinosaurs that he brought back to life, and then he threw his grandkids into the mix.

Also, he is an actual moron in the movie too. The other characters point out what an idiot he is. Laura Dern mentions that John has filled the island with poisonous plants because they look pretty, but he doesn’t know nor did he do any research to know that they’re poisonous plants. Besides all the shit that we see him do that is dumb that Steven Spielberg probably didn’t intentionally think would make him look dumb and instead thought they would be nice set piece scenes – his character is actually fucking dumb to the other characters.

JOHN HAMMOND IS THE VILLAIN OF THE MOVIE!

There’s a strange scene where he it is setup that he’s the reason why Wayne Knight’s character does the shit that he does that eventually causes all the power to go out. First, he only hired ONE person to code or decode or whatever computer nonsense that Wayne Knight is doing. This plus an apparently low salary and a shitty attitude by John leads Wayne Knight to become disgruntled and fuck them all over.

Plus, the park is just a fucking murder park to begin with. He’s got dinosaurs and raptors just being fed live animals to be torn to shreds. John Hammond is fucking PETA’s worse fucking nightmare. A live cow simply lowered into a room of raptors to tear it to fucking shreds? A live goat tied to a pole for a T-Rex to fucking pick its teeth with? He’s easily the most terrible person alive. That’s all if the park is going well too! Once the park falls apart, it’s just a T-Rex and raptors running loose eating whatever dinosaur they feel like. So, he brought back dinosaurs into existence, so they could either murder or be murdered. Isn’t that the most psychotic thing you’ve ever heard?

And, in the end, he fucking survives too. There should have been a shot of John Hammond sacrificing himself to help save his fucking grandkids. Or a shot of him staying on the island to go down with the ship ala Titanic, which in this case means to get torn to shred by the fucking horrible creations that he unleashed on the world that will all no doubt be killed by each other and/or the poisonous plants he stocked the island with because they were pretty.

FUCK JOHN HAMMOND!

If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Jeff Goldblum or the boy – it’s because those two characters are flawless.

Goldblum points out what a death trap this island is and he tries to fuck Laura Dern and he has to actually tell Sam Neil to worry for the kids’ safety.

The boy? He knows more about dinosaurs than almost all of the adults and appears to know just as much about dinosaurs as Dr. Grant, he has a healthy fear of everything that is going on, and he’s a fucking kid. You want me to find fault in some kid? Disgusting. The girl does all the moronic things in their section of the movie.

The movie is weird. I’ll watch it another million times though. It’s fucking Jurassic Park!

THANK GOD – IT’S OVER!!!!

THE CURSED SEAL IS RELEASED AND WE CAN ALL BE FREE (until Bachelor in Paradise starts this summer)!!!! WE CAN ALL LIVE FREELY (meaning we can now watch something else on Monday nights for 2 to 3 hours like House of Cards)!!!!!! YES!!!!!

Last night was the finale for trick ass, punk ass mark Chris Soules’ stupid ass, dumb ass season of the Bachelor.

And you may have guessed from her name trending all day on Yahoo or from the myriad of articles that are more or less lazy FBI background checks on her propagating all over the internet today…

WHITNEY WON!!!!

WOOOOOO!!!! GO WHITNEY!!! YOU WON A PROBABLY ILL-FATED RELATIONSHIP WITH A HALF-MUTE WHO IS GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT YEAR AT LEAST MILKING HIS 15 MINUTES OF FAME FOR ALL IT’S WORTH ALL THE WHILE SPENDING NOT A SECOND THOUGHT ON YOU OR YOUR ADDICTION TO THE COLOR PINK OR HIS MULTITUDE OF FARMS IN IOWA AND THE ALWAYS LOOMING HARVEST!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats, I guess.

So, Whitney won.

She did win. Technically, she totally won. I mean she totally got the final rose and she totally got the engagement ring. That totally happened. He said the “I love you” words and he proposed and all of that totally happened in some stupid ass barn in stupid ass Iowa with a stupid ass stained-glass spraying tie-dye colored light all over this stupid ass moment of theirs.

BUT!!!

The thing is…

HE WANTED TO CHOOSE BECCA!!!

He so did.

Fucking numb nuts Chris wanted to choose Becca, but that Jamie Lynn Spears looking virgin didn’t want anything to do with him. Honestly, it was pretty amazing.

Covered head to toe in about 10 pounds of bronzer, Becca carved a hole into numb nuts Chris’ heart and proceeded to proceeded to put not an ounce of herself into it. She couldn’t have been any less committal to a guy whose TV show she is on for the sole purpose of being proposed to by him.

Becca was all like ‘you can propose to me, but I’m not sure if that’s going to make me like you like you anymore than I do now or ever and I’m also not really that into liking you just because you’re the only guy here.’ Not an exact quote, but it’s exactly what she was feeling.

After however much or little time the two of them spent together, Becca was not down to clown with Chris.

SHE WAS NOT DOWN TO CLOWN!!!!

And if you’re not down to clown then I guess you have to move on and propose to the OTHER girl who is also riding in a limo on their way over to the same exact barn that the not clowning chick is leaving from because this is a fucking game show and that’s how the sanctity of marriage is dealt with on this show.

Seriously, if I was a marriage advocate who thinks gays getting married was a slap in the face to marriage… NO! The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is a fucking slap in the face to marriage. It’s not some great moment between two people who have found each other. It’s a fucking thing that you say you’re going to do because the show is coming to an end and the one chick isn’t feeling it, so you say you’re going to get married to the other one because why not – it’s not like any of this means anything because you don’t HAVE TO get married nor does it matter if you do and then divorce them because the marriage was based on winning a fucking gameshow. A FUCKING GAME SHOW!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Whatever your beef with gays is – they dress better and dance better than you probably – they’re not trying to get married because of a fucking game show. They want to get married because of government benefits and because they want the world to know they want to put their genitals together with this other person’s genitals for the rest of their life in a real way. And that’s what the true spirit of marriage is and not some fucking game show.

Back to the fucking proposal bullshit game show…

Per usual, Whitney adorned herself in pink and threw herself and her crazy type A eyes at numb nuts Chris for the entirety of the time she was shown on TV. She will do anything to win or at least pretend like she’s going to marry numb nuts Chris. Throw away her life, throw away her job, pretend like numb nuts Chris isn’t going to try and bang the hell out of his dance partner on Dancing with the Stars whose name is… Witney Carson.

HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

She spells her name without an H like an idiot… but nevertheless…

HER NAME IS WITNEY TOO!!!!

Too fucking funny!

Whitney – the one on the bachelor who will soon be cheated on with Witney – said that she didn’t watch this season’s The Bachelor and Chris Harrison asked why every which way he could to try and break Whitney into saying that she didn’t watch it because numb nuts Chris was tongue-fucking every chick on the damn show including a 20 year old single mother, a pair of 24+ year old virgins, a clown prostitute, and he totally fucked Kaitlyn.

I’d 100% bet that Whitney has googled this shit in the middle of the night and found out about all the stuff that numb nuts Chris did and I’m sure she’ll see that numb nuts Chris would have totally asked Becca to marry him if she had given him even the slightest bit of confidence that she was at all planning on letting him pop her cherry.

Ugh…

It’s actually making me grossed out thinking about a grown man being into de-virginizing someone. I know it’s grossing you out, but let’s just be clear – I find it fucking creepy as shit as well.

Anyway…

Jimmy Kimmel was pretty hilarious saying point blank to numb nuts Chris that Becca just wasn’t into him… with Whitney right there.

The show kept pushing Ashley S. to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

And the show announced its new setup for the next season of The Bachelorette, which I feel like I don’t understand.

Next season, clown prostitute Britt – who showed up to the finale with about 1/10th of the make-up on that she normally had – and the cutest unemployed wino ever Kaitlyn will both be The Bachelorettes… for one night?

I’m not sure if this is right or not, but I think the idea is that the next season of The Bachelorette will have 25 dudes or whatever show up to the house and both Britt and Kaitlyn will be there and the guys will meet both of them and then at the end of the night the guys will get to decide who is The Bachelorette for that season.

Just another fucking slap in the face from Disney to women everywhere! WOOOO!!!

Also, the count total is 25 for Britt or 25 for Kaitlyn then there are going to be guys on the show who are faking it even more that they are into a chick they’re just supposed to be into because they’re on this game show that says they’re supposed to be into this chick — even though they just voted they would rather be into the only other option chick who they were more cool with faking that they were into her because they are supposed to be into her because this is a game show they signed up to be on.

Stupid.

Fucking hell.

I’d say there’s a 1% chance that Whitney and numb nuts Chris get married.

Thanks for reading!

WHAT IT IS!?!?!!

I survived a bachelor party weekend in Vermont consisting of dangerous as hell snowmobiling to watch more of this cluster fuck? YES I DID!

Last night, The Bachelor aired the shrillest and most fake tearful “Women Tell All” episode I have yet to see on the three seasons I have watched of this show.

WOMEN TELL ALL?!?!?!?

WHAT, PRAY TELL, DID THEY TELL!??!?!

A whole lot of nuttin’.

Or nothing.

Nothing.

NOTHING!!!!

After another two hours spent watching this trainwreck, nothing new was divulged or earned through all of this.

We didn’t learn why Kelsey is crazy, we didn’t learn why Ashley S. is crazy, we didn’t learn why Britt is fake, we didn’t learn why moron Chris pumped & dumped Kaitlyn, we didn’t learn why moron Chris let the “Wild Mustang” Jade out of the stable, and we didn’t learn a single thing about Samantha.

But were we really expecting to? Were you?

Were you really expecting to get answers? Because…

THE ANSWERS ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!

Kelsey is crazy because SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY!

Ashley S. is crazy because SHE’S FUCKING CRAZYbut it’s a harmless crazy not like Kelsey who will definitely knife you in the shower type of crazy.

Britt is fake because SHE’S FUCKING FAKE AS FUCK! SHE’S A CLOWN PROSTITUTE!

Moron Chris fucked & chucked Kaitlyn because he fucking could and no one could or would stop him.

Moron Chris kicked Jade to the curb because he’s thoroughly creeped out by a pair of brothers calling their sister a “wild mustang” over and over again and he didn’t want to marry into that.

And Samantha? SHE’S NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON! She’s some black hair blown out CGI character that was in the show to pad out the numbers.

There was one funny part on last night’s ep where Samantha tried to blame Kelsey and her phoney-baloney panic attack for being the reason why moron Chris kicked her off the show and moron Chris didn’t get a chance to fall in love with her. Uhhhhhhhhh… no, CGI bitch, you were kicked off the show because no one knew who the fuck you were or why you were still there. As for you not getting to know moron Chris – I mean besides the idea of how can a human really ever get to know a CGI character – you had like a billion times to say something to moron Chris and vice versa and neither of you took advantage of it because you both inherently knew it wasn’t worth the effort. NEXT!

As mentioned, not a fuck ton happened last night. Just a lot of fake ass crying…

FAKE ASS CRYING!!!

And the key perpetrator of the FAKE ASS CRYING was Britt.

BRITT IS FAKE, YO!!!!

and…

BRITT COULD NOT BE MORE FULL OF HERSELF!!!

Britt spent a good portion of last night’s episode squeezing her eyes together and puckering her clown prostitute make-up caked face to make it appear that she was truly about to burst a Hoover Dam amount of tears over her lost love – moron Chris. Maybe like one or two tears snuck through with all of her drama training, but by and large Britt made the sounds and the expressions of someone crying, but not the actual tears, which means… SHE FUCKING FAKE, SON!!!

Besides her auditioning for a guest spot on The Young & the Restless, Britt spent an inordinate amount of time yelling at Carly.

Britt blames Carly – 100% – for why Britt and moron Chris aren’t together.

The lion’s share of the first 90 minutes of the show before moron Chris came out was spent on Britt and Carly yelling over each other with Britt insisting the two of them were BFFs and that Carly ruined everything.

My two favorite parts of all this Britt nonsense was…

1. YOU’RE JUST OBSESSED WITH ME!!!! I called it in my head like 5 minutes into the Britt/Carly stuff, but I felt the need to actually say it out loud, so Danielle could be my witness in me obviously guessing the conclusion of Britt’s self-centered-ness – YOU FAKE ASS, CLOWN PROSTITUTE. As Britt hammered home as much as she could how it was Carly who was the villain of the season – which she wasn’t – Britt finally got to her point that she had wanted to make for the whole time, but it’s a bad point because it’s about the most self-centered thing anyone can possibly say – it’s because Carly was just jealous.

BOOM! We’ve had an egotistical explosion by Britt! That’s right, Britt. She was your friend and she was your friend because you were just so nice to her and because she was clearly just so in awe and had to be in awe of you and then as time wore on she became all “Single White Female” on you and got obsessed with you and couldn’t stop talking about you and then she had to go out and ruin your life with moron Chris. Typical, cruise ship singer Carly.

It’s the type of thinking that a truly self-obsessed person has and Britt has it and Britt sucks.

2. MORON CHRIS IS A MORON!!! Finally, moron Chris comes out and Britt walks on stage and has this shitty ass sit-down with him where she tells moron Chris her whole “Carly is obsessed with me” theory and that that is why moron Chris and Britt are not together. That’s when moron Chris says that it wasn’t because of Carly that he isn’t with Britt. Which Britt immediately says that she wouldn’t think that he had as simple mind of that to think that. What?

YOU TOTALLY JUST SPENT ALL OF YOUR TALK TIME INCLUDING THE TALK TIME YOU JUST HAD FIVE SECONDS AGO IN MORON CHRIS’ PRESENCE WHERE YOU FLAT OUT SAY THAT ALL OF THIS IS CARLY’S FAULT! SO, YOU DO THINK HE’S THAT STUPID OF A PERSON TO BE TRICKED ALL BY CARLY!

Follow that up with moron Chris totally not saying anything new besides what Carly said to him about Britt not being ready for shitty ass Arlington, Iowa… SO HE IS SO STUPID TO BE SWAYED BY JUST CARLY!

And yet, moron Chris still kicked Carly off. Why? BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING MORON!!

What else? What else? What else?

Honestly, Kelsey didn’t do anything new either except for just be crazy, which we already knew.

Every time that crazy woman Kelsey says “Sanderson” – it makes my urethra clench.

What about Jade?

Well, she wore a body hugging dress and whined about how her sexy photos have haunted her for the 1000th time. Hey Jade, let’s be real for a minute, sexy photos are probably the tip of the iceberg with you and it’s not like you’re not about yourself being sexy. You’re not not dressing up your fake boobs and your real butt to be shown off for everyone to see including potential paying photographers to snap more bikini modelling pictures of you.

Moron Chris is a moron and he dumped you because he’s a moron and because he’s on a Disney TV show where he cannot pick the chick with the nudie photos out there because this show is all sorts of bullshit, but at the same time your family calling you a “wild mustang” is both creepy/gross and not inviting for would-be husbands.

Now, I agree with Jade that moron Chris should have said something to her about how he was pretty much ready to get rid of her after meeting her family and after seeing her nudie photos instead of saying stuff to her about how everything was cool and there were no issues and that every makeout session with him in front of his own parents and a in front of a high school at a football game really meant something to him because they didn’t.

And, I do think Jade was crying actual tears because she wasn’t doing the cry face and then there were actual tears that were coming out of her eyes.

Dear Jade, try Match.com – not The Bachelor.

Either way, I bet Jade will end up making out on TV sometime soon on The Bachelor in Paradise.

Who else?

Kaitlyn? Well, she tried to get moron Chris to tell her why he dumped her. She also alluded more to her having this night alone that the two of them “so deserved”, which I guess is the most polite way of saying “condom-less vag-fucking”. Either way, moron Chris did have anything for her. He just said the same shit that meant nothing about how he tried the best he could and he made some mistakes and he had to make a decision and he made it, which means FUCK YOU BITCH – I GOTS MINE, SO KICK ROCKS!!!

They didn’t say it last night, but everyone is rumoring that Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette, so that means that Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette because the rumors of Andi and moron Chris came out 100% true, so these will be true too and who the fuck cares.

Kaitlyn is cute, but she’s a simpleton.

NEXT??!!?!?

Um, well, there was Ashely S.

She’s a weirdo. She looked good last night in this 1980’s cocaine party dress. It reminded me of my favorite 1980’s cocaine party dress, which was of course worn by Linda Kozlowski in the cocaine party scene in “Crocodile Dundee”.

Nothing was learned or gained from the Ashely S. interview as she just acted silly per usual and then they tried to yell at her to the point that she would agree to be on Bachelor in Paradise and then she dead panned how weird it is that they’re on TV. It is fucking weird that they’re on TV and you know what I feel like Ashley S. is really just saying what we’re all thinking if you were on the TV show and not at all interested in winning.

The best part of the Ashley S. truth-a-thon was when she mentioned how she just walked out of the house and found where the TV crew was living because she was bored and the rest of the girls in the house were crying and fighting. Yeah! Exactly! Wouldn’t it be fucking weird being in a house with women who have all made themselves crazy after this one guy just because they’re “supposed to”? It would be weird and it would be boring too, especially if you didn’t allow yourself to dupe yourself into getting crazy as well over this guy who is completely underwhelming as a human being.

Did I miss anything?

They did make fun of moron Chris’ dolphin laugh, which I’m happy about.

Next week, there is a THREE HOUR finale.

This show is fucking insane and requires a fuck ton of dedication. I hate it and love it and hate it, but then kind of love it, but then I hate it again and then I’m like whatever and I love it again, but then…

WHAT UP! WHAT DOWN! WHAT IS ALL AROUND THE TOWN! WHAT?!?!?!?!!?

Did you see that shit coming?! Did you?! DID YOU!?!?!?!

Because I did… NOT! Seriously, I was pretty surprised with what happened last night in the sense that I didn’t have any expectations of dumbass Chris holding his second-to-last rose ceremony and right before he decides who is one step closer to being his Iowa slave-wife dumbass Chris just stops everything to have a whispery chit-chat with Becca for Buddha knows how long and then to walk back to the rose ceremony like Kaitlyn and Whitney didn’t notice dumbass Chris and Becca sneaking off to plan one of those two unsuspecting chicks’ downfall and then they mosey back over to the rose ceremony and just fucking karate chop Kaitlyn off of Bali like it ain’t no thang.

I will admit, I did not guess that shit would happen. And yet, it totally fucking did!

That was how the end of the episode played out with Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca lined up in their neon ceremonial robes with Becca’s boobs busting out of her shirt and dumbass Chris in more or less a training gi and he and Becca pulled the least subtle fast-one over on Kaitlyn.

I’m telling ya…

KAITLYN WAS HOODWINKED!!!

KAITLYN WAS BAMBOOZLED!!!

If you’re not familiar with those terms they loosely translate to…

KAITLYN WAS BANGED OUT, PILLOW TALKED, AND THROWN OUT ON HER ASS!!!

That’s what fucking happened last night. That’s what fucking Disney had happen last night!

Seriously! This show is so atrocious! These people are the fucking worst!

I’m not saying I thought Kaitlyn was perfect for dumbass Chris. I’m not even saying Kaitlyn was even good for dumbass Chris. And I’m not even saying that Kaitlyn is some great prize and that I was rooting for her the entire time or that I even enjoyed watching her on TV. I’m not saying any of that.

What I am saying is that dumbass Chris definitely banged Kaitlyn. Like definitely.

I’m not sure if dumbass Chris banged Whitney. I get the feeling that he probably didn’t. But it definitely seemed like he banged Kaitlyn. And we know he didn’t bang out the virgin Becca because she’s still a virgin apparently.

So…

The chick who is nice enough to allow dumbass Chris to enter inside of her with his penis – HE KICKS TO THE CURB THE FIRST CHANCE HE GETS!

This is who these women fell in love with? This is who they want to continue to be in love with?

What is happening in this world —- did Tyler Perry write last night’s episode?

The “whore” gets thrown back into harsh reality of a lonely life because she had sex and the virgin talks her way back into paradise? That’s some fucked up bullshit.

I think dumbass Chris is a dumbass and I think he’s a piece of shit.

There’s that.

As for the episode last night, well, we know what happened in the end. What else happened?

BECCA

Besides her looking a lot like Jamie Lynn-Spears, I can’t remember much of her one-on-one time with dumbass Chris.

Did they do anything? Honestly, it’s just a blank screen in my head right now. I know she kind of told him about being a virgin in that she’s never been close to a guy, but then later that night she laid out that she’s a virgin by setting it up like she was a serial killer. Becca gave dumbass Chris this long preamble about how she’s never been close to a guy and there’s this reason— what is it? A sixth toe? The teeth in the vagina thing? You’re not a dude, are you?!?!?!

Anyway, she’s a virgin.

I like that the first reaction about hearing Becca being a virgin from dumbass Chris was this super awkward sigh of relief it wasn’t that she was born with a dick followed by a shrug of the shoulders like uhhhhh ok?

Everyone else’s reaction about Becca being a virgin? She totally could have banged like every guy she’s ever met, so what the hell has stopped her?

Becca is not crazy religious. And from the way her sister talked to her about her virginity, the sister was treating it as more of a sixth toe affliction than anything else. I mean Becca’s sister is married to an ex-NFL football player and not to make assumptions, but I would bet she was slanging around her puss to make that happen. Jacob Hester? He was playing ball in San Diego for several years – dude could have a California girl anytime he wanted, but he stuck with his Louisiana gal. I bet she gets wild in the sack.

Back to the matter at hand, Becca’s vagina may hate dicks.

Has anyone considered that? I’m just curious if anyone else has been thinking that as much as me. I mean I’m not so horny I’m out there humping strangers on the bus or anything, but not only is sex a natural compulsion to have, but there is a fucking time in your life where your body is basically tearing at the seams to get some.

I consider myself a feminist and in that I believe straight women like that dick and gay women like that poon. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. I’m not saying women are so damn horny they’re violating themselves with doorknobs or smearing peanut butter on themselves for the dog to lick off… I’m talking about a serious and healthy compulsion for sex.

And with that… I have a question- what the fuck has Becca been doing all this time?

If a woman isn’t getting some then she’s masturbating or she should be. I hope Becca hasn’t been shamed into thinking she shouldn’t masturbate. That’s a whole different and awkward KSWI post. SO! My question remains – is she just masturbating herself until chaffing? I mean what’s the deal? You’re a sexy blonde growing up in the 00’s and you’ve got a sister who has slang her puss around to the point she nabbed herself a millionaire athlete — WHAT IS STOPPING YOU FROM GETTING SOME OF THAT D?

Sounds crude, maybe. Maybe. May. Be. But really, what’s stopping her? You’re telling me that there aren’t at least 150 dudes in Louisiana who are exactly like dumbass Chris. Actually, I just looked up this shit and I guess the whole family moved to San Diego when the sister slung her poon at Jacob Hester and got them to San Diego, so you’re telling me that there hasn’t been a fucking smily dude who is in good shape in California with spiky blonde hair that hasn’t hit on Becca and been able to string a sentence or two together to get her to bang him?

That’s crazy balls.

Honestly, either her vagina hates dicks or she’s fucking crazier than I can imagine.

KAITLYN

Well, she fucked dumbass Chris.

Dumbass Chris and Kaitlyn went on some date in Bali, oh did I forget to say they were all in Bali? I think I mentioned it briefly in the beginning. Anyway… Kaitlyn and dumbass Chris walk around Bali, laugh at the locals, get molested by monkeys, drink beers, made out all over the streets of Bali, and then went back to the fantasy suite and mashed genitals.

That’s really about it.

Kaitlyn didn’t real say anything controversial. Actually, Becca was the one who had some reservations about living in dumbass Chris’ shitty hometown. Meanwhile, dumbass Chris did his best at make his shitty hometown sound shitty and he did a great job at that, but all these idiot chicks still smiled and pretended like it wouldn’t be a big deal to live in dumbass Chris’ shitty hometown.

Actually, dumbass Chris did such a good job describing how shitty life is in his shitty hometown that he may be considering moving from his shitty hometown if he wasn’t such a dumbass.

Nevertheless, Kaitlyn seemed game to live a shitty life in a shitty town because she’s so stupid and she’s so into dumbass Chris, which makes her that much more stupid.

And then they went back to the fantasy suite and fucked.

I imagine Kaitlyn thought dumbass Chris’ penis being housed by her vagina for a night was a pretty safe bet to seal her spot in the final two, but we’re talking about piece of shit dumbass Chris here and he’s not playing by any rules. NO RULES!

Kaitlyn cried and cried when she got kicked off the show by the sweaty and whispery and piece of shitty dumbass Chris. All she said was, “what happened?” Well, did you notice that dumbass Chris is a dumbass? Did you notice that part where Becca walked dumbass Chris off to the side and the two talked for 15 minutes and you sat quietly thinking dumbass Chris had any loyalty to you because he had sex with you? That’s what happened.

Kaitlyn then in the van said this was the most humiliating experience of her life. CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU WERE ON THE BACHELOR!!!

Next time, how about you find a boyfriend like a fucking normal person?

WHITNEY

Well, the two of them went on a boat ride where the camera couldn’t get its lens unfocused from Whitney’s ass.

Whitney showed off a lot of her body in this episode. There were tons of butt shots and then her in this tiny bikini. And she’s got quite a body on her. It’s like her physical form and her voice have a picture of Dorian Gray adverse relationship because her weirdo cartoon, nails on chalkboard voice was in full effect last night.

Outside of the boat stuff, I really don’t remember a whole lot with Whitney either. There isn’t too much to remember because dumbass Chris doesn’t talk. He doesn’t say anything worthwhile or controversial because he’s a fucking mute with an overbite.

He did try to explain to Whitney she would hate her life in his shitty hometown because she would have to leave her job and give up any aspirations she had with all that education she has fought her way through.

And then Whitney fired back with some more Tyler Perry style bullshit that she knew that life would either be about having a career or having a family and never shall the two meet. WHAT?!?!

Fuck Whitney for being the worst feminist.

These women are such terrible archtypes for women to root for. There’s the virgin Becca, there’s Kaitlyn whose only connection to this guy is kissing or now sex, and there’s Whitney who believes she is either going to have to be an unhappy spinster with a job or a happy barefoot baby factory for some dumbass.

In the end…

Kaitlyn is kicked off.

Whitney and Becca compete to be the slave-wife of some moron who lives in dumbfuck Iowa.

Fuck Disney.

Fuck this show.

Fuck all these people.

Can’t wait for the reunion and for the finale!

Howdy, yall!

The final hour is nigh! NIGH I SAY!!!! NIGH!!!

Yes, stupid fuck Chris is down to his final three ladies that he is most certainly not in love with nor are they in love with him. We, finally, arrived at this predicament after sitting through FIVE HOURS of Bachelor shit show across two nights.

I spent an exhaustive weekend at my sister’s wedding all the while freaking out in my head over Coco – most beloved creature in the whole wide world – having surgery to remove a small tumor on the back of her leg. So, right now, my brain in jello and I don’t remember exactly what happened on what episode exactly, so I’m just going to tackle the chicks in alphabetical order and what happened to them in their trials and tribulations with stupid fuck Chris.

Right before I get to that… the final three are…

KAITLYN, BECCA, and WHITNEY!!!!

WOOOOOOOO!!!!

We’ve got some random chick, a virgin, and White-ney. Sweet. Obviously, this is White-ney’s game to lose at this point and there’s a really good chance she’s going to lose it with her scary words. Stupid fuck Chris hates scary words! WORDS!! BOOOO!!!

Anyway, I’ll get to that later because Whitney is alphabetically last. First up… the lady with no doubt the tightest vagina of them all!!!!

BECCA

Ahhhhh, yes, the virgin. The other virgin, actually. With Ashley I. gonezo and maybe having already de-virginized herself with a lucky cameraman or bell boy, Becca is the only virgin on the show. And so far so good with Becca as she has not revealed her so innocent of a secret to stupid fuck Chris.

I’m not sure Becca did anything at all in episode 6 except not fuck anything up for herself. Becca is tall and attractive and blonde and has a bit of twang when she talks and she has done just about nothing to ruffle anyone’s feathers including the easily ruffable feathers of stupid fuck Chris. Becca made it through episode 6 and made it to the HOMETOWNS!

Stupid fuck Chris showed up to Shreveport, Louisiana and greeted Becca who had chosen to wear her flowiest top that made her look like an anthropomorphized sugar-glider – but a sexy anthropomorphized sugar-glider. The two walked around her town, they kissed a bunch, and she took stupid fuck Chris back to her home where he met Becca’s anthropomorphized cockblock sister.

There are two requirements for a chick to be on the Bachelor – 1. someone has to have just died in your life and you are using this minsogynst dating TV show as a grief counseling and 2. if you have a sister – she has to be a huge fucking cockblock.

During the hometown with Becca, stupid fuck Chris is never told about Becca’s dusty claptrap, but everyone at the dinner table gives not-subtle clues about it by mentioning over and over again that Becca has never brought a guy home and none of them have ever seen her doing any PDA with a guy ever. They might as well have just made a circle with their left hand and penetrated that circle with their right forefinger and then shook their head no and pointed at Becca and did that for two hours on a loop.

Basically, what stupid fuck Chris got out of the dinner is that Becca is an innocent Southern girl who has never really had a boyfriend. There should be some red flags there considering she’s not a racist troll with a swastika tattooed on her forehead. But whatever. No real problems were presented to stupid fuck Chris and Becca continues to skate on by.

BRITT

Well, you present a single problem or hiccup to stupid fuck Chris and you’re fucking DONE! YOU’RE FUCKING DONE!!!! It’s unreal. I remember twitter nearly collapsing at what an asshole Juan Pablo was because of how he treated women like this, but I don’t see anywhere near the hate for stupid fuck Chris and he’s twice or thrice or fourice the coward Juan Pablo was.

So, Britt WAS stupid fuck Chris’ favorite, but she showed the slightest bit of hesitation and to the other girls not in stupid fuck Chris’ presence and she showed him the slightest bit of aggravation about not getting a group date rose and HE FUCKING GOT RID OF HER!

On episode 6, everything was hunky dory with Britt being numero uno. Everyone was in lovely who gives a shit Des Moines, Iowa and stupid fuck Chris went off and took Jade on a date to his hometown Arlington and some other shit. Either way, the rest of the girls wanted to see Arlington too, so Disney gave them a car and a GPS and they drove the THREE FUCKING HOURS from the middle of nowhere Iowa to EVEN MORE the middle of nowhere Iowa.

The girls get to the town and it’s a fucking shit hole collapsed in on itself town of 400 people in Iowa, so who knows what these idiot women were expecting. In a town of 400, if there was a Walmart – the entire town would just live in the fucking Walmart. That’s not a business model having a town be all the employees and customers of the store as well as use the store for shelter. There’s nothing in the damn town. And the girls expressed that. Of course, Carly really zoned in on Britt saying that she couldn’t imagine herself living there because bitches hatin’ bitches. As if Carly was walking around that town with a pair of wet panties imagining all the non-existent times her and stupid fuck Chris would have not going to the town restaurant that doesn’t exist.

I hate Britt and all, but she was starting to make some sense at the end of this show.

Then Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn go on a group date with stupid fuck Chris and Britt has a 1-on-1 moment with stupid fuck Chris where she tells the stupid fuck how she could see herself marrying him and loving him and taking him home to meet her family – actually, specifically her dad… SPOILER ALERT! Britt has daddy issues – and Britt thought this was the most compelling speech ever and when the rose came out – stupid fuck Chris gave it to Kaitlyn.

Obviously, Britt was not happy about it and she said it. She said that she felt like she unloaded her soul to stupid fuck Chris and told him that she was willing to let him meet her dad – who we can only assume is the most important man in all of the world either working on the Super Collider or she’s the illegitimate child of Barack Obama or Larry Bird or someone – and stupid fuck Chris gives the rose to someone else. Britt is being a sore loser, but if we’re taking this show at face value and if we’re pretending what she is saying is earnest then seriously, she’s got a point. You tell someone they are your #1 and then they give the your my #1 present to someone else right in front of you. It’s not ideal and Britt speaks up.

They make it seem like she fucking flipped the fuck out. I think she came off as a sore loser, but I don’t think she seemed unreasonable. If this show is about falling in love and not just about gathering roses or points or TV time then yeah you should want to “win” everything because it means he’s in love with you and not the other chick. You’re not the second or third girl in the room that he’s considering being into.

At the same time, THAT’S WHAT THIS FUCKING SHOW IS!!! IF YOU WANT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP THAN DON’T GO ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHOW!!! 

Cut to the next episode, Britt is going to tell stupid fuck Chris that she wants off the show because she’s not sure about letting him meet HER DAD. MY DAD! HE’S GOING TO MEET MY DAD!! Ugh. Anyway, the two sit down and talk before the rose ceremony and as Britt is more trying to get stupid fuck Chris to keep her on the show than get rid of her, stupid fuck Chris reveals that Carly has been talking shit behind Britt’s back and he believes Carly more than he believes her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Brilliant. Stupid fuck Chris is such a fucking asshole coward.

So, stupid fuck Chris kicks Britt off the show like she said she wanted, but really didn’t want, but at the same time I think really wanted to happen because she’s really not at all in love with stupid fuck Chris because none of them are except for Carly. Britt goes outside and cries and cries and cries and who gives a shit – she’s gone.

CARLY

Hey, Carly, you got your secret nemesis kicked off the show – how do you feel? Great! Oh wait, you’ve just been kicked off as well – how do you feel? Not great!

That’s the long and short of Carly’s life on the past two episodes. Carly got to go on a group date with Britt and Kaitlyn, and she got to visit stupid fuck Chris’ shitty hometown and drive 3 hours each way to do so, and, at the end of all that, Carly got kicked off before the hometowns.

Minus the fact that Carly probably dated a closeted gay man and/or a Morrissey-like a-sexual man which led Carly – a cute blonde who is perfectly fuckable – to have crazy issues of whether or not any man would want to be with her thus leading her to joining this show, Carly was a pretty solid match for stupid fuck Chris because she was fucking willing to be his smiling slave and that’s really all stupid fuck Chris wants. He doesn’t like back-talking or talking in general, he likes smiles, he likes kisses, and he likes for no one to question him ever. Carly seemed ready and able to follow that happy robot life that would be required of her.

It was a quick ending for Carly. She spent most of the final two episodes complaining during the confessionals about Britt and how pretty she was. BRITT IS NOT THAT PRETTY, CARLY! Maybe all the sloshing around on a cruise ship has given Carly traumatic brain injuries or something because she made it seem like Britt was the fucking hottest piece of ass on the planet and only Carly and stupid fuck Chris seemed to think that – maybe Carly even more than stupid fuck Chris.

Either way, Carly’s gone. And judging by her instagram account, Carly and Jade became good friends, so that’s cool. Carly made a friend! WOOOO!

JADE

Speak of the devil aka wild mustang. Calling your sister a “wild mustang” is up there with one of the creepiest fucking things you could say that doesn’t directly involve you saying you fucked your sister. You know? I’m not alone on that, right?

Jade had a solid episode 6 and a solid episode 7, but stupid fuck Chris is a coward – as mentioned – and he ends up kicking Jade off after telling her she was safe. Solid move, breh!

On Sunday night, Jade got to go to stupid fuck Chris’ hometown of who gives a shit intersected with why the fuck. They walked around the bombed out hometown that has no restaurants or grocery store or businesses of any real variety. There was one really random moment when stupid fuck Chris half-explained that his dad gets coffee at this place in town every morning that is not a store, but just some guy who will put on a pot of coffee for his dad. Fair enough. That happens all the time.

Later, Jade was taken to the high school and the high school football game. In the high school, stupid fuck Chris and Jade made out. And you guessed it – Jade and stupid fuck Chris made out again at the football game in front of a cheering group of high schoolers, which isn’t weird at all. With all of that, Jade obviously went on and made it to the Hometowns.

Jade’s hometown is in Nebraska, I believe. There stupid fuck Chris met Jade’s pleasant dad and her two brothers who have the same exact face as Jade except chubbier with terrible hair cuts on top of it and one had terrible facial hair below it.

Jade had mentioned while walking around the high school that high school was not a fun time for her and that she was a bad girl, which meek Jade doesn’t really express minus having big fake boobs and a sizable tattoo between her shoulder blades. At her house, her two brothers kept telling stupid fuck Chris that Jade was a “wild mustang”, which sent douche chills throughout all the holes in my body.

Eventually, this led to stupid fuck Chris asking Jade about this back at the hotel and that’s when Jade brings out a laptop and shows stupid fuck Chris a bunch of the nude photos she took for websites and a nudie video she did for Playboy or whatever. Either way, Disney tried to paint this as a terrible moment for stupid fuck Chris in the same way Steven McQueen tried to paint Michael Fassbender having sex with gorgeous women as terrible in “Shame”. Yeah, it is not!

Picture for a moment, a sexy chick who is totally into you and who you have made out with on a dozen occasions over the past couple weeks sits you down to show you professionally taken nude photos of her naked body. Is that a bad day? No, that’s a fucking great fucking day! Seriously, stupid fuck Chris had his hand firmly on Jade’s ass the entire time he was looking at fully nude photos of the girl his hand is on the ass of. Best day ever kind of shit right there.

Anyway, Jade is all scared because she says she’s been in a lot of bad relationships. You don’t say? You’re a hot chick who has nude photos out there, you live in LA and are from Nebraska, your brothers call you “wild mustang”, and you’re on the Bachelor? Yeah, you’ve had some fucking bad relationships. And she’s worried if stupid fuck Chris will judge her like others have in the past. That’s when stupid fuck Chris assures Jade that he is not judging her at all…

… cut to the very next rose ceremony when Jade gets kicked off the fucking show.

Yep. Coward. Stupid fuck Chris is the worst.

What we all can only hope for is that Jade and Carly are truly friends now. And that the “Wild Mustang” Jade teaches Carly about her own sexuality. And someone secretly films an entire video series of that and releases it on the internet webz for free.

KAITLYN

Two things…

1. Kaitlyn was showing off some serious boobs in rose ceremony last night. Like where the fuck did those come from boobs. Like congratulations on your boobs type of boobs.

2. Phoenix looks like an absolute shit hole.

Kaitlyn made it through Sunday’s episode. Not only that, she got the rose on the date that Britt questioned stupid fuck Chris on. This lead Kaitlyn to getting a hometown. Turns out the Canadian girl with no job or back story that we know of spends half of the year with her parents in Phoenix. So, stupid fuck Chris shows up to Phoenix, which is represented by dumpsters, parking lots, and back-alleys. That was Phoenix? What in the hell is happening in Phoenix? Actually, better yet – don’t tell me. I never want to go there.

Kaitlyn takes stupid fuck Chris to a recording studio for the two of them to record a rap song because that is a representation of who Kaitlyn is… a rapper? Was that who she is? I have literally no idea who Kaitlyn is minus these four things…

1. She’s Canadian because the prompt below her name sometimes says that

2. She has a nose stud

3. She’s crazy buzzed on wine in every scene she is shown in, but no one has a problem with it

4. She’s got a set of boobs on her, which is the most recent thing for us to learn because of the deep cleavage she was showing off in that last rose ceremony

Outside of that, I know next to nothing about her and I believe stupid fuck Chris knows nothing more as well. Kaitlyn is about the same size as Britt, wears less make-up, has bigger boobs, and showers – I guess that means she’s marriage material. WOOO!! At the same time, she talks like a child, acts like a child, and says things like, “I think I heart him” to her mom who has no doubt paid for every single bill that Kaitlyn has incurred for however long she’s lived on this planet.

Whatever. She’s cute and she’s in the final 3.

MEGAN

I thought big tits Megan got kicked off the show at the beginning of Sunday’s episode because she never spent a single second with stupid fuck Chris, but then I saw a headline of an article that said that Megan actually walked off the show because she never spent a single second with stupid fuck Chris. Either way…

Megan did absolutely nothing on the show except for show off her big tits and give credence to everyone’s instant assumption she was an idiot by revealing she didn’t know New Mexico was a place and thought that it was just Mexico.

Next!!

And… Last!!

WHITNEY

She’s definitely good looking and she’s got a good job and she’s not stupid like Megan, but I’m just not a huge fan of Whitney’s. I don’t like her cartoon nasal voice that she definitely is putting on to try and come across as adorable like a chipmunk, but it makes me want to drive a nail into my eardrum.

Whitney got to meet stupid fuck Chris’ “best friends”, which was a snoozefest scenario. Then she kissed stupid fuck Chris outside of the bar they were at as everyone in Des Moines watched and took pictures and she jumped up and wrapped her legs around stupid fuck Chris’ waist when she did all this like she was a little girl who really wanted to make out. It was stupid and the Disney producers definitely told her to do it.

Later, the hometown consisted of Whitney taking stupid fuck Chris to the fertility clinic she works at and pranking stupid fuck Chris into thinking she wanted him to get jerk off into a cup, so she could analyze his stupid fuck sperms. He was clearly about to do it without showing any reservation because he’s just a walking overbite smile with no brain activity and he would’ve done it.

After that, Whitney took stupid fuck Chris to her aunt and uncle’s house or something. Whitney doesn’t know her dad and her mom died recently, so she’s pretty much a Disney protagonist with the chirpy voice and all. Stupid fuck Chris met some of her family and then he was wrangled into a room with Whitney’s cockblock sister Kimberly.

THE SISTER IS ALWAYS A COCKBLOCK!

Themz the rulez!

Stupid fuck Chris talks to Kimberly and she’s Rachel Dratch Debbie Downer level of depressing and she’s a brunette, so she’s the WORST, am I right? Anyway, she ends up telling stupid fuck Chris that when he narrows it down to just Whitney then she’ll give the stupid fuck her stupid fuck blessing.

I’d say Whitney is the favorite leading into the final three… but the teaser for next week’s episode shows Whitney telling stupid fuck Chris that she has worked too hard to get where she is to just leave it all behind. Uhhhhhh, FUCKING DUH, Whitney!!!! I don’t know what you have to do to become a fertility nurse, but I’m guessing it is a lot more than a weekend seminar and she’s got a real job as opposed to stupid fuck Chris who is a “farmer” who hasn’t had to actually farm for the past year as he’s been featured on back-to-back seasons of this shitty fucking show. If you can take a year off from your job without any issue then your job is probably all that necessary with you filling the seat. If the job continued on without you for a year then it can continue for many more years to come without you.

Stupid fuck Chris. I hate him.

Whitney lives in Chicago and is a medical professional there and stupid fuck Chris wants her to move to a shit town that doesn’t even have a grocery store or a single restaurant. SHE LIVES IN CHICAGO!!! If the relationship has to be played on stupid fuck Chris’ terms, which it certainly seems that way then this relationship won’t last and will legitimately be as fail worthy as Juan Pablo and Nikki.

Whitney isn’t going to last living in stupid fuck Chris’ world.

Kaitlyn isn’t going to last living in stupid fuck Chris’ world.

Becca maybe could last living in stupid fuck Chris’ world.

Becca is the best bet because seemingly she doesn’t have much to leave behind and her dusty clap trap needs to be devirginized at some point before her central nervous system eats itself. I mean is she endlessly masturbating? If Becca is masturbating all the time then maybe it’s ok, but you got to have sex with a man or a woman or yourself because if you don’t then you are likely going to snap and join ISIS or something.

So, there’s that.

Becca, Kaitlyn, and Whitney.

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