Hello all!

I am a husband.


Well, at least, I think I am. I live in a state of being where I am Danielle aka @_dharv aka heyyybrother’s husband, but whether or not the courts see it that way is really up for them to one day tell me. What I’m trying to say is that we have received any notice about whether our marriage license is legit or not, and I’m not sure when that is supposed to happen or if I’m the one that has to contact them, but – either way – just kind of wishing and hoping that this marriage is as concrete in the government’s records as it is in my own records, which are the gin and champagne soaked memories of our wedding on September 26th.

Yes, yes, yes… as the title reads, I did in fact cry at three different points at Danielle and I’s wedding.

I’m not talking about full on vomitting tears out of my eyes kind of crying, but there were tears and I had to wipe them away. And there were less tears with each of the three instances chronologically as well. Not that that really matters, but if you’re already starting to prepare an oil or water color portrait of me crying in each of these wedding situations then I’m just laying it out there that the first is the most severe then the second and the last was a tear or two coming to the ridge of my eye lid that I quickly absconded and got back to the business of looking stately at MAH WED-DUN.

So yeah, let’s talk about it!

The day Danielle and I got married…

also known as

The day I started wearing jewelry…

also known as

The best day of my life, MOTHERFUCKERS! 

WOOOOOO!!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!

There are some funny stories about the night before the wedding and the night before the night before the wedding, but I’m not going to really go to deep into them…

But who are we kidding I’ll mention a couple things…

  1. Danielle and I had agreed I would give some welcome speech/toast after the first dances and before our parents were going to speak and the best man – who was Dawgz, by the by – and the best woman spoke. But as we got closer to the wedding, Danielle started worrying I would blow it. So, she wanted me to write down stuff and let her hear it. Then I did come up with a speech, but it was a lot longer than Danielle was expecting. So, we went down Thursday night to Asbury where we got married and went out to dinner and had drinks with my lifelong buddy Jay and his wife Echo – Jay was the one marrying us through the Universal Life Church. I bought Jay a bottle of Lagavulin Distiller’s Edition, which is a very nice scotch as a thank you for marrying us and then Jay and I proceeded to drink like 60% of the bottle. Jay and Echo go back to their hotel via Uber. Danielle and I and our dog Coco are in our hotel – The Berkeley, which is where we got married – and it’s like 1am or so and we’re in bed and I’ve had some to drink and my requisite Ambien, and now is the time Danielle wants me to do my speech. So, lying in bed and all liquid from things in my body, I give my speech and she secretly times it at 13 minutes, but it’s not like I was really nailing the speech. Nevertheless, she had some notes about my delivery and wording and whatever because two nights later I fucking nailed the fuck out of that speech … and I did make the changes she requested. Whatever.
  2. Our rehearsal dinner on Friday night was the tits. It was unbelievable. It was at Pascal & Sabine in Asbury, which is by far one of our favorite restaurants in el globo and the whole dinner was amazing. We friends and family and we all ate great food and drank a shit ton of wine and got super loaded and then went to a bar to meet more friends and had drinks there. Then I got back to my folks’ house at like 1am and didn’t fall asleep until like 4 or 5am and was really just running on adrenaline the day of my wedding.


The day of the wedding… the wedding day!

I met up with my groomsmen – Dawgz, Stuff, and the Drake – and we were all hungover. We started casually drinking beers at like 10am, which wasn’t really helping nor hurting. I suggested we run across the street and jump into the Atlantic Ocean. They agreed. Turns out there was a cancer walk happening on the boardwalk in Avon that day, so they got a good look of me in my underwear with my groomsmen and us frolicking in the Atlantic screaming “Woo!”, “Marriage”, “River Hunks”, and a host of other things you may or may not expect to hear us yelling in our underwear.

We ended up getting sandwiches from the Speakeatery – best sandwich shop to ever exist ever – and going back to the hotel and hanging out with Coco in the hotel room. Eventually, we all had to take showers and get dressed because the photographer was going to come in and take pictures of me reading the letter Danielle had written me, us tying our ties, putting on our jackets and boutonnieres, cufflinks, shoes, and us posing with the plastic pistols filled with tequila that I bought them as their groomsmen present.

So, that’s the setup. Now, let’s hit the three times salty liquid felt behooved to leave my eyeball…


As mentioned, these are in chronological order and in order of when I shed the most tears. Originally, Danielle wanted our ‘first look’ aka ‘the first time I see her in her wedding dress, which she had bought from Kleinfeld’s a year plus earlier’ to be traditional and at the altar. Or more specifically, when she walks down the aisle. Then our photographer – who is the best – and a few others had mentioned if we did the first look then we wouldn’t be able to get the majority of the pictures done before the ceremony and we would miss the entirety of the cocktail hour plus probably some other shit. Anyway, the cocktail hour was too important to us to miss, and the first look beforehand seemed more sensible with it being a private moment instead of in a room full of people.

Danielle had also expressed to me many many times that I – who usually keeps my cards very close to my chest – needed to have a big reaction to when I saw her for the first time in her wedding dress. Just saying… she said that… several times…

And I did.

The photographer grabbed me from the hotel room – leaving Jay and the groomsmen and Coco to watch college football and eat potato chips – to stand in this floor to ceiling window mezzanine that’s very pretty at the Berkeley. I knew the bridal suite was down the hall from where we were and they had me face in the opposite direction and I wasn’t supposed to turn around until Danielle tapped me on the shoulder.

Besides the awkwardness of that and what felt like eternity standing there facing a corner of a room like the fanciest “Blair Witch Project” scenario, I started getting emotional.

I really let my mind focus in on the moment and play with it. I started thinking about the implications of this moment and everything that led up to it and how sure I was of it all and how sure Danielle must feel as well. Then I got all nerdy and started thinking about “The Sandman” comic book and the Greek mythology or Roman mythology… I think Greek… with his son Orpheus I believe trailing him as The Sandman is walking through these catacombs and he’s not supposed to turn around to see him because if he does then he damns him to eternity in Hades or something and there was just a lot of nerdy emotion from that and I was just getting pretty fragile is what I am saying.

I could hear Danielle swooshing in her dress a little bit, but I could really hear her giggling as she approached me, and when she tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and saw her for the first time in about 15 hours and she’s in her wedding dress which was perfect and her hair and make-up was perfect and she was smiling and we were getting married in a couple hours – I just started crying.

Tears. Not sobbing, but a lot of tears. And if Danielle really wanted to see her giant ginger man with tears streaming down my face like I was watching ‘Up’ for the first time then guess the fuck what – she got it. HAPPY WEDDING DAY!!! YOU’RE A CRYING MESS!

As for the much bally-hooed dress, it lived up to expectations and then some. After watching one million episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress” – which I do enjoy as a show where you judge the shit out of people and it’s almost entirely focused on how a woman’s boobs and butt look in a dress – and deciding what dresses are good and what are bad and after making a mad dash into New York City on the Tuesday before our wedding and getting the dress like we were smuggling out the President and so on, I did love the dress. I tried not to have any preconceived notions about the dress or play any guessing games with Danielle to lead me into more preconceived notions about the dress, the dress did look somewhat like I was guessing. I knew it would be strapless and have a sweetheart neckline, I was guessing some ruching, and I was guessing a belt. So, I got that right. Either way, it was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.


It was a good thing we did the first look instead of the ceremony first look because I didn’t cry or even come close to crying at the ceremony. That was probably because I had already cried a bit, but also I was fucking laser focused and locked in and way too fucking happy to cry. Like I felt invincible during the ceremony. It’s how I imagine Tom Cruise must feel all the time.

As mentioned, my buddy Jay of 30 years – we were bathed together when we little chitlins – married us. Jay and his wife Echo have been living all over the world and, specifically, Vietnam of the past 3 years and they flew in and, not only that, but then Jay married us. Jay did a great job. Danielle and I pretty much wrote the whole ceremony, but Jay delivered the fuck out of it.

Like I said, I was fucking super present during the ceremony and I didn’t feel any cry inducing emotions. I was just beyond happy and felt like I could punch a hole through a concrete wall. But… I did have tears after it was over.

So much of our wedding was about our friends. Danielle and I are very close with our friends and they mean so much to each other and then her friends mean so much to me and my friends mean so much to her. They’re all wonderful people and when we set out to plan this wedding it was purely designed to have a big party with as many of our friends as we could.

As we exited the ceremony – which multiple people told us they cried like really cried during, so yeah to us for that – room, Danielle and I got outside of the room and turned around to see our bridesmaids and groomsmen coming out of the room as well. And God bless those happy fucks because they were all smiling ear to ear and so excited-faced and we both just started crying. Danielle told me she cried, so I’m not making that up, but I did as well. Seeing Dawgz, Stuff, and Drake made me cry and them being so happy for me made me cry and I mean I’ve known these wild men for 14 years now and it’s just fucking dumb luck we know each other. We met freshman year of college and we’ve been through a lot and we were in our underwear in the Atlantic Ocean only hours earlier and blah blah – I love them.

On top of that, I’ve become friends with Danielle’s friends. Seeing her bridesmaids in the same state of happy and excitement for Danielle made me cry in general, but also that means they’re happy she’s marrying me, which made me cry and I really respect them and they’re wonderful and I love them too.

So, friends made me cry.

Not the first time, not the last time.

I’m going to take a detour here for a moment before we get to the next bit of me crying because some wild shit happened and I’m not going to gloss over it because it’s kind of the story of our wedding outside of our wedding being an insane drunken dance party.


The Berkeley is right across the street from the Asbury Park boardwalk and, specifically, the famed convention center. So, we were obviously going to take pictures on the boardwalk out there, but the wind was blowin’ up a gale as Owen Wilson would have likely said. Our photographer didn’t want to risk Danielle’s hair for the ceremony by making her run into some crazy winds outside, so we saved the boardwalk photos for post-ceremony.

The bridal party and the photographers, we ran out to the boardwalk where this all day and all night concert was going on on the beach with a tent village and everything, and we took photos on the boardwalk. The boardwalk photos are fucking incredible. I can’t imagine I’ll be in better looking photos for the rest of my life.

Anyway… we get through the bridal party photos. The bridal party leaves to go to the cocktail hour. Danielle and I stay on the boardwalk to do some photos of just the two of us. They go great. Then LITERALLY on the last photo we’re taking, Danielle takes a step forward on the boardwalk and a GINORMOUS splinter shot up and into her big toe through her open toed heels! MEDIC!!!!!

We somehow get Danielle back to the bridal suite and for the next 40 minutes or so, myself and Danielle’s best woman are down on our hands and knees trying to do 17th century surgery on Danielle’s toe with a safety pin, a pair of tweezers, and a pair of toe nail clippers. We got half of this fucking behemoth of a splinter out, but we couldn’t get the rest out. So, what happened?

Danielle just fucking wrapped it up like John fucking Rambo and still partied her fucking face off for the rest of the night and showed up to breakfast and was there til everyone left and the motherfucking finally let my mom drive her to urgent care where a fucking doctor had to use a scalpel to get the rest of the splinter out and he said he could have put stitches in, but didn’t because we were going on our honeymoon for like 10 nights as we planned to travel to four different cities in Italy and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK SPLINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!!!

So, yeah, my wife plays with pain. Danielle is a RTHOF – real time Hall of Famer – and an actual Hall of Famer.

Back to me crying…


Yeah, I teared up a bunch during that.

I had trouble picking a best man. It was tough deciding between the three groomsmen because I think of each of them so fondly. I couldn’t have made a wrong choice. Honestly, I felt bad and still do to this day that I had to tell two of the three that they weren’t my ‘best man’. It was my Sophie’s Choice, and I think Dawgz did an excellent job.

The whole ‘sweetheart table’ was surreal. Obviously, I had never been in a situation like that where I’m in a room full of people at 10 or so people tables and then there’s me and one other person sitting at a table in the middle of the room, right in front of the dance floor with a DJ staring right back at us catering to us. It felt like a movie. It felt like I was watching a movie or more so that I was the camera filming a movie as the movie, the actors, the action was playing to me or Danielle and me.

The first dances came and went and went well. Danielle spent the majority of our dance talking about how I should twirl her. I never had any preconceived notions about what my wife would be like, but for it to turn out that I’ve had more dance training than her is just endlessly hilarious. Not like tap or jazz dance, but waltz and the Lindy Hop and whatever. When I was kid, all the kids in Westfield, NJ took these dance lessons and well yeah. Whatever. #checkyourprivilege I get it. So, Danielle doesn’t know dancing like that and I do somewhat, so I was trying to explain to her the mechanics of a twirl – like which arm would be moving in what direction and which way she should spin and so forth. In the end, we did execute a spin.

First dances were done – which did include almost a skit of sorts from Danielle’s dad, my speech was done and went flawlessly, my mom spoke and my mother-in-law aka Danielle’s mom spoke, and Danielle’s best woman spoke. Everything went great. Everyone said very lovely things and did a great job and it was all very heartfelt and sweet.

Then it was Dawgz’s turn. I knew he was going to deliver some humor, which he did say some jokes everyone could laugh at, but also dropped several jokes there were more inside jokes that Danielle and I and maybe 3 of the 15 tables got. Either way, he did great. He started off making fun of Stuff and he also made an inside joke about having condomless sex where one does not pull out and just blasts away, which maybe like 20 people got and the rest probably like were ‘what?’ — which again was great.

But yeah, hearing Dawgz laud me with compliments about how creative I am and how good of friend I am and how he had been discussing that with Stuff and Drake and so forth – that made me tear up. We’re an affectionate group of guys who talk regularly, hug regularly, tell each other we love each other regularly, and as Stuff said we’re more interested in dancing with each other than maybe with our significant others. We’re friends. And it means more to me with the day even after 14 years that these guys are apart of my life and I’m apart of theirs and it made me tear up and it’s making me tear up as I type this.

Later, my uncle came up to me and complimented me on my friends in general and how long we’ve been friends, and first of all ‘thank you’ and second of all they should be complimented because they’re great people.

It was a perfect day. It was so much fun. Isn’t that what it should be? Fun.

Everyone looked amazing, everyone looked like they were having an amazing time, and it was amazing.

It was a fun wedding. I had a fun wedding. Danielle and I had a fun wedding. We had a fun wedding.

And, yes, this website was mentioned several times as well as ‘The Wantess’ Kristen Stewart was mentioned. Can’t thank this fucking blog enough.





I just looked and I hadn’t posted since the end of June, which – honestly – was a lot more recently than I was even expecting. But everything feels so far away. SO FAR AWAY! Back in June, I was watching The Bachelorette and, now, in September I’ve forsaken the ABC/Disney franchise forever. Kaitlyn really killed that show for me. I had a short love affair with the show. It started with Juan Pablo and really ever season after that got worse and Kaitlyn was the nail in the coffin. So, there’s that.

Did Kaitlyn even end up with the penis-nosed, Alf look-a-like? I can’t even remember.


I want to talk a little professional tackle football aka…


And, honestly, you can read that statement any way you would like…

  • Thank, fuck. Football is back!!!
  • Thank, fuck football, is back!!!
  • Thank! Fuck football is back!!!

Whatever. I’m cool with all of them.

So, let’s talk about the 2015 NFL season in terms of wins and losses and not in terms of deflated footballs in a playoffs game or possibly your favorite football franchise signing a known dog murderer to a veteran’s minimum 7 figure contract. BECAUSE IF WE TALK ABOUT THAT OTHER STUFF I’M GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING EXPLODE!!!!!

No, let’s just talk wins and losses… puh-lease!

I did a little google search and found the over-under wins predictions for the website Sportsbook.ag. This is the shit you can bet on. Will team X have more than 5 wins or less or one day come up with a better name than X?

I’m going to post what Las Vegas and/or Sportsbook.ag says that you can legitimately bet money on and then I’ll say what I think about their pseudo prediction. Ok?! OK!

How about we “tackle” this task by going worst to first? Let’s roll out the losers!

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5.5 – Right off the bat, I say that’s too many wins for the Jaguars. They did make so moves this off-season, but I wouldn’t say any of them will really result in wins. They’re not a strong ball club on offense or defense and they’re not strong at home or on the road, and they play a home game in England yet again. I don’t see them besting many and I bet we’ll hear about them not being able to sell out games like last year. Soon enough their home games will be like that New Year’s Eve, empty-arena, no rules match between The Rock and Mankind, which ended with The Rock being pinned by a fork lift. God bless, pro wrestling.

TENNESSEE TITANS – 5.5 – More. I’d go higher on this. I don’t think that the Titans are world-beaters or anything, but I think they’ll crack 6 wins this year. I think they’ll grab two against the Jaguars to begin with. I think Marcus Marriota and/or Zach Mettenberger aka poor man’s Ben Roethlisberger will be able to galvanize a bit of offense with a better run defense. I think they can be a trap game. I’d go more on that one.

OAKLAND RAIDERS – 6 – That’s kind of where I’m expecting them to be at, so I would go more than less. I think the Raiders have some talent and they have proven to be a tough divisional team giving the Chiefs and Chargers fits at least. I’m not pro them enough to say they’ll muster 8 wins or anything because its been a dog’s age since that happened, but 6 is more than doable. They’re a team to watch for at least as far as entertainment is concerned. They’ve got a young and mean defense generally speaking and they’ve got a young and wild offense generally speaking.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 6 – Less. I don’t think rapist Jameis Winston is getting 6 wins this year. One would think they would have to be better than they were last year, but last year they were 2-14. TWO!!! So, it’s crazy for me to think they’ll get 4 additional wins to the 2 they barely scraped out. I don’t have faith in them. Their defense sucked last year and so did their offense. Like I said, could or should they be better? Sure. But THREE HUNDRED PERCENT BETTER? That’s nusto.

CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6.5 – Less. They suck. Seriously? You think I’m going to bet the Browns win 7 fucking games? That’s fucking crazy pants. Who is starting over there? Johnny fucking “don’t call me Johnny Football” Football is starting or will be starting over there and you’ve got to be crazy to have faith in him. The rest of the team hasn’t gotten any better, meanwhile they’ve had a litany of off-field problems with their coaches that truly shows no one should think these MFers are getting seven wins. YOU’RE DRUNK, SPORTSBOOK.AG, GO HOME!

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 6.5 – I’d say less. This team is so different than the team it was last year or even more so two years ago that they shouldn’t even be legally cool to call themselves the San Francisco 49ers. The coach is gone, the defense is gone from either retiring or being in jail, and half the offense is gone. Why am I picking 7 wins? I couldn’t in all good conscience pick 7 wins for this team. This season will be a disaster for them and Colin Kaepernick will end up on another team next year.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 – Are you fucking nuts? Man, what has Sportsbook.ag been smoking? Crack, I suppose. Or meth. I don’t know, but 7 fucking wins? Good gracious. That’s nuts. That team is near mutiny and you think I’m going to put my hard earned money down on motherfucking 7 wins?! I’m trying to pay for a wedding over here! What is wrong with you. No, they’re not getting that many wins. They’ll be lucky if they survive 16 fucking games let alone win 7 times. Fuck you, seven my ass.

CHICAGO BEARS – 7 – I’d say less. I don’t have faith in the Chicago Bears at all. I mean what the hell do I know, but that defense is in shambles and the offense is in shambles, so… yeah, fuck no. Fuck no. I’m not betting that this fucking team is getting 8 motherfucking wins. Man, Sportsbook.ag, you’ve got me furious up in this mug! AHHHHHH! You think the Bears are going to get 8 wins? If I could, I’d give you a slap for these transgressions!

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 – 8 wins? You know what – I’d say take it. I’m not as strong on this opinion on some of the others, but I think they have the ability to make this happen. I think they could easily take a pair of wins against the Bears and I think they can nab a pair of wins from their other divisional games, so that’s 4 wins right there. I like their coach Mike Zimmer and as much as I think Adrian Peterson should be in jail for beating his kids like Joe Jackson, he’ll most definitely help the team. And the Vikes had a decent running game last year without them. They had 7 wins last year and I think they can get 8 or 9 this year.

NEW YORK JETS – 7.5 – Nope. Man what the fuck, Sportsbook.Ag?! I don’t know who I’m angrier with – Kim Davis or Sportsbook.Ag?!!??!?! 8 fucking wins for the fucking Jets? No fucking way. No way. Who are they beating? I’d take a parlay bet right now that the Jets go 0-6 in their own division. I’d bet they lose to the Bills twice, they lose to the Pats twice, and they lose to the Dolphins TWICE. They’re not getting fucking 8 wins. No fucking way. Fuck the Jets and their bullshit ass 8 wins. THEY WERE 4-12 LAST YEAR!!! Seriously, this is fucking nuts to think they’re going to get 8 fucking wins. Good lord, I need to start betting on this shit!!! AHHHHH!!!

ST. LOUIS RAMS – 8 – That’s around where I might put them. The Rams have been good/great at home this past few years, so 8 games are played at home and its doable for them to earn nearly all 8 wins and then get some games on the road. I expect their defense to be good and I expect their offense to be more consistent this year. Who knows? They could just suck. I would like to think Nick Foles will play well for them, but at the same time I feel like Nick Foles will get crushed early in the season and then we won’t see him until he gets traded next season. I don’t know, but I feel like 8 wins is around where I would pick them, so I don’t feel comfortable picking the over or under, but I’m an optimist so I’m picking over.

Here come the 8.5’s. In life, if someone says you’re an 8.5 then you should probably be flattered at first, but then you should kick that fuck – man or woman – in between their fucking legs for judging you like that. I’m a 10 MOTHERFUCKER! Anyway, in football, 8.5 ain’t that great. It means you’re just above average and we can’t decide if you’re going to fuck up this season or seize that brass ring.

ARIZONA CARDINALS – 8.5 – I’d like to pick over. I’d like to think they’ve become a consistently good football team. Consistently earning 10 wins means you’re a fucking good football team. Consistently earning 9 wins means you’re a good but not great football team. I think the Cardinals should be reaching that 9 to 10 to 11 and so forth consistent range. With the 49ers looking like garbage to me, the Cards should get two wins there to begin with. I really liked what I saw out of them last year and they’re really a fun team to watch play football most Sundays. I’m picking more.

ATLANTA FALCONS – 8.5 – Less. I can’t picture them getting 9 wins. Why? Sure, they should be able to pick off Tampa twice, but who else? This list has the Panthers at 8.5 and the Saints at 9, so it doesn’t even sound like Sportsbook.Ag thinks the Falcons will rule their division. The Falcons have sucked the past few years and I don’t think they’re turning it around to that much of a degree this year.

BUFFALO BILLS – 8.5 – I don’t know. As mentioned, I’m an optimist, so I think they could get 9 wins this year, but, at the same time, they went 9-7 last year and that was with the help of Kyle Orton as their QB and he’s gone now. Their defense was already playing badass last year, so adding Rex Ryan as the head coach should only mean they’ll be similarly as good – maybe better – at defense. But offensively? I don’t know. Rex was never an offensive genius and the team will be lead by either rookie Tyrod Taylor or broken former rookie EJ Manuel. I don’t think either of them can play 16 straight games and I don’t know if I have faith in them to win 9 games again. It’s certainly possible, but who knows. I think they’ll be around that 8-8 mark, but I’m not sure which side of it.

CAROLINA PANTHERS – 8.5 – If it wasn’t for Kelvin Benjamin going down with a torn ACL, I’d pick more wins in a heartbeat. I guess I’m still going to pick more wins, but it’s just tough when your seemingly best offensive option, outside of your QB, gets sidelined for the whole year with an injury. Their defense better show like it did the last couple years and Cam better be ready to do some magical shit because that’s how this team wins games. I’d go more, but I also am a biased Cam Newton fan.

CINCINATTI BENGALS – 8.5 – Less. I don’t know. There has to be a real breaking point with this team. They keep making the damn playoffs, but they’re just not a particularly good football team. But who knows. I also hate the Bengals. Whatever.

DETROIT LIONS – 8.5 – I’m saying less. I think the other shoe is dropping this year with them losing Suh. I think the aura around that team will be a lot more beatable as their defense has gotten less scary. I know that they picked up Ngata from Baltimore and he’s the man, but seriously that team’s D was defined by Suh and I just don’t know if it is there without him. As for the offense, it had more options last year than year’s prior, but I feel like teams will catch-up to what they’re doing. They’re still a passing team that relies on Megatron to catch the chucks. Golden Tate worked out great last year for them, but this year I think teams will be ready to tangle with Tate and Megatron.

HOUSTON TEXANS – 8.5 – I’d like to say more. I really would, and I will because of the whole optimist thing. If their defense is healthy, they’re scary as fuck on paper. It’s tough to ask J.J. Watt to again win football games all by himself like he did last year, but what’s stopping him? This year, he’ll have Vince Wilfork and, seemingly, Jadeveon Clowney helping him and that’s fucking huge. Absolutely huge. Their defense could be the best in the league. Their offense? I mean they have some options. DeAndre Hopkins could be a star receiver this year and they added Cecil Shorts and whatever. I think it is definitely doable. I may be drinking the Hard Knocks Kool-Aid, but I think they can get 9 wins. Can’t wait to watch that defense play some ball.

Sidenote… I’m very glad Charles James II ended up getting on a team because if he didn’t then I may have cried after last night’s Hard Knocks. Kind of wanted to cry tears of joy for that weirdly socks-ed man.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 8.5 – I wouldn’t put money it. I just wouldn’t. Haven’t heard much about the Chiefs this off season and that could be good or bad. Their offense was beyond underwhelming last year – they didn’t score a single touchdown with a wide receiver. That’s fucked up. I love Jamal Charles, but it’s not like teams don’t know about him. Their defense has been quite good/great, but who knows. I wouldn’t put money on 9 wins.

NEW YORK GIANTS – 8.5 – Almost by default would I say that the Giants are going to get 9 wins because I think the Redskins will suck and I think the Cowboys will not be good. The Giants need to get their shit together. Their #1 defensive player blew off his GOT DAMN finger. Jason Pierre Paul has NINE fingers. It’s nutso. If they played in any other division almost, I would say their team had no shot, but the NFC East seems weak as hell and I think they can still give those other stupid teams a run for the money. Who knows though. Seriously, who the fuck knows with the G-Men?

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 8.5 – More. I’m shocked that this isn’t more difficult. Seriously, 8.5? I’d bet more on that definitely. The Steelers had statistically the #1 QB, WR, and RB last year. I know a lot of shit has changed this year for the Steelers, but I think they are a team that can give any team a rough go and beat them. The Steelers eviscerated the Colts last year and they were one of the most dominant regular season teams last year. If the Steelers could all stop smoking weed while driving cars or whatever it is that they’re all getting caught doing then this team is an easy playoff favorite. I think they’ll have their good and bad moments like always, but I’d say they’re a 10 win team without a doubt.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 8.5 – I’d say less. I don’t think they improved from last year. I think they’ll have a 7-9 season that will seem disastrous and they’ll be the Los Angeles Chargers next year and from that moment on I will actively root against them until LA ends up forgetting about them and in 10 years they’ll be back to being the San Diego Chargers. How about that?!

MIAMI DOLPHINS – 9 – I’d say around that and I’d say more. I’d say 10 wins is doable for the Dolphins. I think their defense is stout and their offense consistently gets better. I think Tannehill turned a corner in competitive play last year. I feel like you can’t question Tannehill’s heart or his toughness or his willingness to win. The dude was out there giving it his all and I think that will pay dividends this year. I think he could be a leader in the lockerroom and I think if the defense is behind him then they could win 10 games. I think the key to that defense this year is making Suh believe that the Dolphins are the team that will get him into the post-season the way the Lions weren’t. I don’t know if Suh is married or what, but Tannehill needs his pretty blonde wife to get her pretty friends to fucking throw themselves at Suh and make him feel like he’s GOT DAMN CONAN THE BARBARIAN out there in Dade County. The Pats probably win that division like always, but I think it could be a 10 or 11 win Dolphins team possibly making the playoffs.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 – If it wasn’t for the fact that they get to play the Falcons and Bucs twice a year… but I don’t know. Isn’t this team done, yet? I mean how many more years is Drew Brees going to play like he does in our heads? I don’t think they improved in any area that I can truly think of. I don’t think I would be comfortable saying 10 wins at all. I’d say less. Drew Brees is 36. It’s got to stop at some point, right?

BALTIMORE RAVENS – 9.5 – 10 is a big number. They lost a few players on defense and offense that I think they’ll definitely miss. They’ve got a good coach and a great general manager, so I have faith they are able to fill those vacancies. 10 is doable for them. I think the Ravens will be able to grab 4 wins against the Bengals and Browns and they’re just generally a good/great football team. We’ll see though. Their running game was solid last year with Forsett, so we’ll see what that guy has in the tank this year. I’d say more.

DALLAS COWBOYS – 9.5 – Less. I don’t think they have it this year. I think this is a bad season for them and Jerry Jones offs Jason Garrett at the end of it. I think their defense will get exposed this year as they will be on the field more than they ever were last year. I think the loss of Demarco Murray will be incalculably bad. Seriously, you can’t have a player having a record season like that then lose him and expect you’ll be able to do what you did last year. That’s just crazy thoughts. I feel like what Murray did easily affected them at every level and without that – they’ll be a shell of what they were. They’ll have a dangerous passing game and probably an ok running game with that offensive line pushing it, but I think it will be far more manageable for any and all of their opposition.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 9.5 – Someone has to win the games in this division, right? I don’t think I’m comfortable betting 10 games won by the Eagles. I think I would say they’re going to win the division, but that may be at 9-7. I don’t know about money down on 10 games. So many weird moves made by Chip Kelly this off-season and I’m not sure about any of them. Demarco Murray will be running behind a worse O-line than he had last year as well as the fact that he’s now a severely used and abused version of himself from last year. As great as Murray was last year, I don’t know how he’ll bounce back. It is incredibly tough for RBs to have back-to-back great seasons. Just so much tough sledding.

DENVER BRONCOS – 10.5 – Yeah, why not. It’s still fucking Peyton. It’s still that defense. I think they’ll be similar to what they’ve been. Probably a little more beatable, but I think they’ll still beat way more teams than they’ll lose to.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 10.5 – Yep. Of course. Why wouldn’t they get 11 wins this year? They’ve got no reason, absolutely no reason to not get 11 wins this year. The Colts should be a 13-3 or 14-2 team this year, so if they’re not then they suck and fuck Luck if he doesn’t get 13 wins this year. C’mon, neck beard, show us what you got.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 10.5 – Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Of course, 11 wins. Of fucking course, 11 wins. Not even a fucking question at this point. Fuck them.

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 11 – 12 wins? I don’t know about that. These numbers went in before Jordy Nelson went down with a torn ACL, so that has to change things. Do I think they can win 12 games without Nelson? It’s entirely possible. Entirely possible. Not sure I’d put money on it. I’d say they’d be lucky with 11 after losing their past offensive weapon. They’re still the easy odds on favorite to win that division in my mind though, but I don’t know if they’ll need 12 wins to do it.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 11 – Yep. Of course. Should’ve won the GOT DAMN Super Bowl, but they didn’t and they’re still a fucking menace as a football team. I wouldn’t wish an away game in Seattle on my worst enemy at this point. Russell Wilson is still the most undervalued, underrated, underappreciated player in the league. I don’t see that changing this year. He should have more weapons to use this year. If they can get Jimmy Graham catching jump balls then they should be a menace, if they can get Marshawn Lynch running for 1,600 yards they should be a menace, if they can get their defense playing half as great as they did the past couple years — fucking menace. I’d put money on 12 wins.



It starts tomorrow night with my Steelers versus the evil Patriots.


Howdy, readerdoos and readerdoodettes!

Like the title suggests, I am still watching the two hour block of hot garbage known as The Bachelorette every Monday. I forgot to write an episode recap thought thingy and then I forgot again and then I was a few weeks behind, so I just gave up on the whole thing, but don’t you even DARE think for a second that I am not inside on a Monday night metaphorically flogging myself by subjecting my brain to the endless stupidity of the one and only Kaitlyn Bristowe.

Legitimate question…


Like actually “LIKE” her? I imagine her parents just look at her as some semi-open mouthed, financial albatross that never stops snorting at the same knock knock jokes and has problems not mounting each and every dick that is presented to her. I mean that’s what I think the parents are thinking.

I feel like there is a very real possibility that the Bachelor guys are the only people on Earth while in that bubble of being on the show that think Kaitlyn is even remotely tolerable as a human being. They must be feeding them sedatives or something for them to even have a passing moment of care for a person who still or if ever laughed at the “interrupting cow” knock knock joke. SHE’S THIRTY YEARS OLD! THIRTY! 3! 0! 30!

As mentioned, I have been watching. I have been hating Kaitlyn with each passing second more and more. At the same time, I hate pretty much every guy on the show with their key flaw being that they seem to think Kaitlyn is an enjoyable human being.

To jump into what’s been happening on the show, I’m going to look at this video that the always hard-hitting ABC News put together when they interviewed the lazy brained Bachelorette and asked her to make a one word association of the guys that were still left on the show.

First thing first, this video was put up before last night’s episode, so she does give her assessment of Ben Z, Cupcake (Chris), JJ, and Tanner … who were all cut last night. If you were wondering why I’m not doing the “.” for JJ or Ben Z it’s because I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO.

Anyway, let’s see what brainiac Kaitlyn had to say about these men… these men she “intends” on marrying.

Actually, I want you to get a chance to guess in your head what you think she said. Spoiler alert – none of them are THAT interesting. Anyway, I’ll put the guys name out there and then I’ll write something about them then I’ll post the word then I’ll say something about that.


You may remember Ben H. You, also, may not remember Ben H. That’s a very real possibility if you watch The Bachelorette as it has become the Nick and Shawn B show for the past few weeks with sprinklings of JJ for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Besides them, you may remember the tattle-tale welder who got sold out by all his “friends” or Ian the insufferable egotist who decided to be a real man and tell off a woman. So, Ben H may not be on your radar. What do you need to know about him? Well, he’s less psychotic looking than Cupcake and he hasn’t said anything that has made you think he’s a complete douchebag as of yet, so there’s that. I believe he made out with Kaitlyn on top of a building in New York City, which can be said of almost all of the competitors, so that’s not saying much.


That’s what she called Ben H. A “gentle” “man”. He seems to be a man. At least, a cis male. As for “gentle”, well he did do a good job last night bracing Kaitlyn on the subject of her coming to his and Shawn B’s hotel room off camera and when Ben H went to the bathroom and came back – obviously, something had happened between Shawn B and Kaitlyn and he wasn’t going to pry what it was. He did want to know if it was still meaningful for him to be on the show pursuing her. Kaitlyn intimated “yes”, but she’s a lying moron and Ben H is totally “spinning his wheels” as he said and he has no shot at landing this ditzy graveyard of teeth. BURN! I’m roasting this broad!


Well, I think you can flat out guess what she says about Ben Z. Let’s be honest, Ben Z has done just about everything right on The Bachelorette. He’s a good looking dude with a heart breaking back story, but he forgot to do one thing – fucking drag Kaitlyn down with emotional abuse like Shawn B or simply just stick his penis in her like Nick. Apparently, that could have saved Ben Z. Yeah, that’s right. The dude got iced off of last night’s episode. Who would’ve guessed it?


Yeah, he has muscles. And he was simply a good looking dude. And Kaitlyn couldn’t stand getting to know him for one more fucking second. GET OUT OF HERE, HUNK! WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND OF HUNK AROUND HERE!


This jackass. I’m amazed this dude lasted as long as he did. He’s a dentist who looks like Norman Bates and he showed up to the house in a drivable cupcake. I mean Kaitlyn is an idiot, but she’s also a shallow face sucker, so you would think she would have gotten rid of this guy. She did get rid of him. At the edge of a cliff. She flew in a helicopter with this stooge to these cliffs and then she dumps him after he professes his love for her and then she takes off in that helicopter leaving him to contemplate his suicide.


He smiled a lot. Great insight. After a couple weeks of kissing him and pretending to like him, she said he’s smiley. Also, I’d like to add that any crying that Cupcake did by the cliffs looked horrendously fake as he rolled around off camera.


I would have said “weasel” or “badger” or something along those lines. Not that his personality fits that. He’s more of a house mouse or something like that, but he just genuinely looks like an anthropomorphized weasel. Whatever. He got the shit kicked out of him by Ben Z for Kaitlyn’s stupid affection. He appears to really think Kaitlyn is humorous, which means that concussion he suffered at Ben Z’s fists really took root.

sweet … BUT she wanted to say “soulmate”

Jared has no fucking shot at bagging Kaitlyn in the end, so when she says “soulmate” I think she means ultimate friendzone make-out partner. The ultimate platonic friend that I smash faces with on occasion, which totally leads him on and he’ll be my underling for the rest of my uneventful life. Also, sweet is another adjective that I think is applied to a friend, especially if it’s the only thing you’re going to say about them.


He sucks. However many seconds Disney spent on this punk was a waste. Not that many will really remember this guy in a week, but JJ is easily the most harmless and worthless villain in The Bachelorette/Bachelor history. What did he do? He turned his back on his own gay lover to eventually kicked off a couple weeks later and he helped get rid of a guy who was so drunk on the first night of the episode that he was already going to get kicked off. Way to go, JJ! You really villained it up good. And yes, JJ did get the axe on a double date with Joe, which means Kaitlyn picked the cro-magnon Joe over JJ. And JJ is a father to boot who thought it would be better to be on this show than to be a father to his kid. Nice.


It took Kailtyn a minute to think of something and then she screwed up her face more than she usually does when she does just about anything. I guess “goofy” is a good word to describe some ignoramus who actually thought he was influencing the proceedings of the show by making it seem like he was having a homosexual relationship while not on dates with Katilyn. So, I guess goofy is a good word to describe him.


He looks like handsome Beavis. Not that I think Joe is handsome, but in comparison to Beavis – he’s a handsome version of the MTV cartoon character. Outside of being on the show still and having a southern accent, Joe hasn’t done much of consequence. Oh yeah, he showed off his testicles to everyone during that random ass sumo wrestling “date”. So, there is that. And I guess Kaitlyn really enjoyed Joe’s testicles because he’s still on the show. He was on that double date as mentioned and she chose Joe’s testicles over JJ. I guess that’s saying something for him. Although, it did sound like half if not all the reason she got rid of JJ was because he had a kid and no one hates kids more than a Bachelor or Bachelorette. THEY HATE KIDS! YOU HAVE A KID? GET OUT OF HERE!


Yeah, I don’t know about that. Kaitlyn will literally laugh like a fucking jackal at a stiff breeze and, yet, I do not remember a single time outside of Joe showing off his testicles that Kaitlyn laughed at anything Joe has done. He does really appear to talk, in general. All of last night’s episodes had Kaitlyn crying and crying and crying, so I don’t think he said anything funny when he got chose over JJ. I guess we’ll have to take Kaitlyn’s word for it that he’s hilarious because I’ve seen no evidence to suggest that forehead of his is housing a chuckle factory.


Much like Ben Z, you could take a guess and probably be 100% right on what Kaitlyn said of this broke ass Ryan Gosling. What I’ve both truly enjoyed and been fully disgusted by is Shawn B’s utter meltdown over his “love” for Kaitlyn. Apparently, Shawn B is from Windsor, CT and while I have little to no love for “The Nutmeg State”, I am surprised by the idea that Shawn B can’t find a single chick who is not a million times better than Katilyn. I really hope he’s acting, but he does seem like a mental patient over Kaitlyn and that’s depressing. But as mentioned, I am enjoying the fact that someone who has worked their body out to such an extent that Shawn B has that he’s still absolutely terrible finding love. You know? Aren’t we all happy by that? Just me? Anyway…


Yeah, shocker. I’m kind of unsure how I feel about Shawn B’s drama will affect him with Kaitlyn. Actually, I think it is doing a good job because her brain can’t focus on too many things, so I think Shawn B has done a good job absorbing the small attention span Kaitlyn has. He doesn’t know that Kaitlyn stuck Nick’s dick inside of her, but outside of that there isn’t a single guy who can hold a candle to how much attention Kaitlyn gives Shawn B. And so far, Shawn B hasn’t committed the real sin of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, which is to question The Bachelor/Bachelorette’s motives of being on the show. Outside of that, I feel like other women would have dumped Shawn B for being so dramatic and clingy and in need of approval all the time, but they may also be transfixed by his abs and keep him around. Who knows?


If you forgot there was a guy on the show named Tanner then do not feel alone. We all forgot about Tanner. Anyway, Tanner one time was like “I don’t know about Nick, but I’m a big wuss, so I’m not going to be offended by you bringing in Nick”. I think he was like that, I don’t really remember. Outside of that, he’s kind of just skated on in the background getting a free trip to Ireland. Good for you, Tanner.

genuine … took a minute to think of something

Not surprising, it took Kaitlyn a minute to really remember who Tanner was and anything discernible about him. What Kaitlyn came up with is an incredible general comment that boils down to him not being a liar. You can call all non-liars in your life – genuine. You could even call a liar genuine if you mean they’re a genuine liar or you simply just don’t know that they lie. Tanner? Hmmmm, well, he’s himself. He’s really himself. You know? Like Tanner is Tanner. He’s that guy. He’s that guy named Tanner, genuinely.


If there was a race to see who could get their dick in Kaitlyn first – which of course there was – then Nick won that. Actually, Nick appeared to win that race on the last season of The Bachelorette as well with Andi. As the show goes on, I’ve disliked Katilyn more and more and in turn have rooted for Nick more and more because fuck Kaitlyn and he’s an idiot too, so fuck Nick. I mean Kaitlyn doesn’t seem like much of a prize, so you might as well saddle that idiot Nick with the burden of being with Kaitlyn too.


Sure? I mean he’s a word fumbler who shoves his parts inside you, so yeah – intense. I have to assume that Nick smells amazing. That’s honestly what I HAVE TO assume. Because curb appeal, I wouldn’t think chicks would be into his brillo pad hair or his truly annoying wormy cadence. So, I’m guessing he’s got his pheromone game on point. He’s probably got a mix of patchouli and GHB working as a cologne and it’s highly effective on idiot women who sign up to be on a kissing contest, dating game put on by Disney. And Nick is still holding strong on the show and he hasn’t fully admitted that he’s banged out Kaitlyn to everyone. He said it was “intimate” and that’s it.

Seems like next week, Kaitlyn will spill the beans that she fucked Nick.

Now, I think the other guys should be pissed by this and at the very least have every right to be pissed by Kaitlyn fucking Nick. I think that each guy has to be honest with themselves that there’s a chance – a good chance – that she’s going to fuck one of these guys if not all the guys who end up making it to the “fantasy suite” date. If they’ve watched the show and of course they have, then they know that they get the chance to spend an overnight with Kaitlyn then. Before then, they’re all bunking up in rooms with each other and Kaitlyn is off somewhere else. They can be disappointed that she fucks someone on the overnight, but they realistically know that’s a real possibility then.

BUT! Well before then, Kaitlyn has banged Nick. I mean I think the thing that they should be most pissed about is that they weren’t the one who banged her. Of course, that’s first. But I think the general rule of thumb that they’re all simply making out with her and it isn’t going passed that is accepted at least at this point in the show’s history. But taking a guy back to the room and banging him, is a step beyond. It’s a line where they get she’s not going to be a total prude and not not kiss a guy for weeks of “dating” him before she decides to get engaged to him. But straight up banging a dude seems a little excessive especially when there is a night specifically designed for that then.

I think it’s a lack of respect she’s showing the dimwits who signed up to be with her, but she’s a dimwit and they’re dimwits, so I guess who gives a flying fuck.

And lastly…


She sucks. Not funny. Not charming. I hated fake farmer Chris for many reasons, but one of them was definitely because his brain didn’t work and he simply acted like a kissing robot. And that’s what Kaitlyn is as well. Makes sense she was on his season, right?

beautiful… smart, hilarious, funny … followed by her trademark cackle 

Yeah, I don’t know about any of that, Kaitlyn.

Does this thing still work? … It appears that it does!


I’m back and it’s back and by “I’m” I mean me Jordan Kay-Swidge-Izzle your most favorite blogger of 2009/2010 and by “it’s” I mean the saddest, sexist, and, ultimately, addicting reality dating show The Bachelorette.

You can be happy for both of those things or either or neither. I mean if it is neither, lie to me. Pretend you’re happy about me being back and then I can live in my own little dream world for the rest of time until our mutant overlords show up and rule us for the next 600 years until there’s the alien/mutant war, which is as we all know resolved by the mutant/alien orgy, which completely obliterates the human race except for like 150 people and that’s when the alien/mutants all leave planet Earth and it becomes more or less like a big Colonial Williamsburg for alien/mutants to come to and see how humans “live” and the 150 humans are just kind of pretending they’re living the life of your average Pearl Jam listening to civilian in 1995. And yes, the alien/mutants watch us have sex.

What am I talking about?


Of course, that is exactly what I was supposed to be talking about.

For season 11 of this dumb ass show, Disney has decided that instead of simply having the show where one girl tries to define herself as the wife of one of 25 random dudes and three months after she’s pretended like she’s done that she’ll announce that they’ve broken up and now she’s going to try and kiss as many other Bachelor failures on Bachelor in Paradise.

This season, Disney decided to add to the humiliation it usually lays on the female gender by giving us TWO Bachelorettes and then having the fucking dolts with dicks who are competing for them decide which one of the two bachelorettes actually can be the bachelorette while the other can go fuck off and die.

Also, this does mean that whoever wins to actually just be the bachelorette – unless she wins by a unanimous vote then she will be the first bachelor/bachelorette to have been straight up insulted by the idiots pining for her knowing that they didn’t even want her at all and/or she is completely replaceable commodity to lust at considering they would have been cool with either bachelorette meaning their unrequited love is not unique in the least bit. Right?

So, the doofs who show up to the house either love chick A or chick B. If they love chick A and chick B gets picked and they stay on the show then they really didn’t love chick A at all and honestly could love any 5’2″, skinny, white girl of moderate attractiveness. That’s like half of the guys in the house. Of course, there are the guys who don’t have a real preference for either and are legit showing up to the show like who really cares who I fall in love with, and that’s what a fucking moron would say because that’s not love.

But that’s all the ruse… they’re on the show hoping to hook up with a chick seemingly and in the process they hope to get famous and get their own season of The Bachelor.

As for The Bachelorettes… they hope they can tolerate and have fun while hoping they can spin this into a spot on the next Dancing with the Stars or possibly a talk show or something. Maybe selling juices that say they have magical curative powers and they’ll make a bunch of money and then sell their share of the business and hope that when the lawsuits come in that they’re not apart of the trial and are allowed to simply enjoy their money in the Bahamas. The American dream!

Who pray tell are these bachelorettes?


You remember Britt as the fake-est woman in the world from the last Bachelor, right? Well, she’s back and she’s less make-up-y. She got that message pretty loud and clear that the clown prostitute look needed to be curbed if she wanted Disney to invest money into her next faux love venture.

Across from Britt and as she told us last night she is a different person than Britt…


You may or may not be able to distinguish this for yourself, Kaitlyn is different from Britt. I needed Kaitlyn to tell me that last night for me to be able to finally see it for myself. Thanks, Kaitlyn! I just thought I had double vision and/or the mutants had already shown-up and this one’s power was making multiples of themselves in different evening dresses.

Anywhatzzle… Kaitlyn is 100% better than Britt. Not that I feel bad for Kaitlyn because it’s not like she’s the greatest ever or anything, but to think that people think you and Britt are the same so much that you feel the need to say that you are different has got to a unique nightmare into itself.

Physically – because let’s be honest that’s all that matters – Kaitlyn is better looking than Britt. Kaitlyn has boobs and a butt and that’s more than I can say for Britt. And that’s really all there needs to be said.

Personality – Britt is a robot specifically designed to mirror the signature fake Los Angeles attitude. Kaitlyn’s got this vibe that she’s high and stupid or more stupid plus high. I don’t know. Britt is just deflecting and being fake as fake can be. Kaitlyn tries to be funny, but it’s not like actual funny. She’s like those laughing models in a J. Crew catalogue. What are they listening to Hannibal Burress’ new stand-up special? No, they’re just good looking with no cares in the world and they live in a vaccuum and education hasn’t been a priority for them, so knock knock jokes make them laugh because they have soft brains. Kaitlyn is a good looking soft brained person, and that is strangely a million times better than Britt.

In their bios, Kaitlyn is mentioned to be a “free spirit” who I imagine is an enormous financial drain on her parents. Britt is mentioned to be in connection with a local church in LA, which I assume means she’s insufferable. Kaitlyn is 29 and Britt is 28.

And those are the two women competing to be The Bachelorette.

And the goof-ta-pusses who get to decide whether Britt or Kaitlyn makes it…

Actually, let me interrupt for a second, I’m not entirely sure I think there will be just one Bachelorette. I kind of think on tonight’s second half of the season premiere we’re going to find out there are two Bachelorettes, but maybe I’m wrong. Honestly, I don’t really care. I’m just throwing that out there…

Let’s meet the doofsicles…

Actually, let me interrupt for another second, UNLOVABLE & UNEMPLOYED – I just wanted to hit on that. I thought I would have said something earlier, but I didn’t.

UNLOVABLE – Pretty clear cut. Britt, Kaitlyn, all the people who have ever appeared or will appear on The Bachelor are unlovable. We got that.

UNEMPLOYED – Well, Britt was listed as a “waitress”, but she was only ever shown giving free hugs out on Sunset BLVD in LA. So, she’s jobless. And Kaitlyn was listed as a “former dance instructor”. FORMER! Her job is that she once had a job. That’s not a job. She’s jobless as well. And there are several dudes on this season who have as much gainful employment as the ladies do, which means they have none.

Let’s rundown the dudes who are unlovable and mostly unemployed…


I just want to throw this out here… I hope none of these fellas are dead.

Remember last time, there was one guy who died on The Bachelor from hang gliding and I didn’t know that and I thought his job as “adventurer” seemed stupid, so I said maybe he should go walk off a cliff and he kind of did that and that was unfortunate. So, if one of these guys are dead and they are dead in a way that I may say they should do self harm to themselves because of their dopey sounding bio then that will be unfortunate as well.

Back to Ben H. here… he’s tall at 6’4″, one of his favorite movies is Crash so he’s probably the most boring man alive, and I don’t remember him being on last night’s episode at all. You could view that as a positive or a negative. I’m guessing he probably tried to start a conversation with someone and as he tried to explain how at 26 years old he loves Crash, Sandlot, and 500 Days of Summer and he just melded with the wallpaper never to be seen of again.


That’s right. Multiple BENS! It’s going to get confusing… oh wait… it might because Ben Z. is also 6’4″, but this guy has two tattoos instead of just one. Either way, I don’t remember this guy either. He’s probably quite boring as well as the other Ben as he is an “entrepreneur” which means he’s unemployed and if you want to argue with me on that – his greatest achievement is getting his personal trainer certificate —-> UNEMPLOYED. Marc Cuban probably calls himself an entrepreneur too, but his greatest achievement isn’t getting a personal trainer certificate, it’s selling his start-up for several BILLION DOLLARS and owning the Dallas Mavericks and Shark Tank and somehow being likable to a section of American even though he’s a grade A tool bag who hates you.

Let’s just say both Bens suck.


Is this like a fucking trick Disney is playing on me? Who the fuck are any of these guys?!

Bradley sucks. He played tennis in college and one of his favorite movies is Wolf of Wall Street. That’s someone who should legally never be allowed to procreate.



Finally, I remember this asshat. Him and Britt were really hitting it off in a way that Britt was just kind of pretending like she was into him like she has human emotions, but she doesn’t. She’s hilarious. Anyway, Brady is the possible protagonist of my unwritten Summer Catch sequel entitled Summer Catch 2: Still Catchin’. Apparently, Brady played a couple years in the minor leagues for the St. Louis Cardinals and maybe around the time they kicked him off the team or maybe in the clubhouse he listened to too many Jack Johnson albums and now he thinks he’s a soulful singer/songwriter and I hope he takes his slow and soothing voice and falls into a spider cave.


No recollection of this dolt. He’s a dentist and his biggest date fear is the girl trying to eat his food. BIGGEST DATE FEAR? He’s actually AFRAID of his date leaning over and just eating his food like a fat older brother?



I remember Clint kind of. He seems bland. They all do. I’m not offended by Clint though. I bet he will laugh at every stupid joke Kaitlyn tells and he’ll say how funny she is and blah blah blah. Kaitlyn is not funny. Amy Poehler is funny. Lauren Lapkus is funny. Whatever Clint.


Was I drinking bleach last night? I do not have a fucking clue who any of these guys are.

They ask these morons who would they have lunch with and he says “the Dalai Lama” followed by “that is an enlightened cat”. Fuck you, Corey.



UGH! Another Cory? Just take it from me because I just read his short and uneventful bio… Cory sucks.



It says he’s a “fashion designer”, but he was quite the dancer when he got out of the limo last night. That’s really all I remember. It was like limo door open and end scene of Footloose dancing begins. Dude can dance. He is from Nashville, I remember him saying that a few times and two of his three favorite movies are RED FLAGS… Big Fish and What Dreams May Come. Those are not appropriate answers. Something is wrong with Daniel, I don’t know what exactly, but I gave fair warning on that one.


He seems fine. I don’t remember him at all and nothing in his bio really sticks out as much more than he’s a stereotypical dude. David and Clint can go hang out and be dudes and maybe squeak their way through some of the show. Although, that’s not going to help them down the line as they need some type of hook and at this point – their bios seems pretty hookless.


I’m pro Ian at the moment. Dude came onto the show, which is a negative against him, but that’s a given for all these dudes. Moving on from that, he came onto the show solely for Kaitlyn and he didn’t even speak to Britt and cast his rose to keep Kaitlyn on the show and he told Kaitlyn all of this. That right there means he is at the very least 18,000 steps ahead of the idiots who are actually considering being with Britt.

I think Ian was also a runner in college and then got hit by a car and then rebuilt his body like the 6 million dollar man and now he’s some 6’4″ dude on a mission to fuck Kaitlyn’s about 5 foot frame. So good luck to him on his mission.


He seems like a creep.



I was about to say I don’t remember this guy and he seems average like the rest – which he still does – but then I saw this one bit in his bio… “Who’s your favorite actor?
Robert Downey Jr. He seems as cool as the other side of the pillow — also respect for how he dealt with adversity and recovery.” … By adversity, he’s talking about how RDJ did whatever the fuck he wanted his entire life including drugs and breaking into people’s houses and sleeping in their child’s crib high as shit on heroin? Yeah, RDJ is a real hero. A dude who got away with being rich and a drug addict and for years was more or less a male Lindsay Lohan and then he turned it all around by making a shit ton of money when he saw that contemporaries of his were making a shit ton of money in action movies and he thought to himself – why not me? And he did it. He’s the best.


I don’t like Joe. He started every sentence with “I’m from a small town in Kentucky”. THEN GO BACK TO THAT SMALL TOWN AND DIE THERE! Also, you’ve got more gel in your hair than a large town in Texas. Fuck off, Joe.



I think they tried to show us some sad story of single fatherdom with Jonathan or some sad story about some shit, but what I do remember is Jonathan saying how they should take them to Utah and he should just marry Britt and Kaitlyn at the same time. Yuckity yuck yuck, Jonathan. Fuck you.



Josh is a stripper and a lawyer meaning he is both the worst stripper and the worst lawyer. No one wants a stripper who thinks they’re smart and no one wants a lawyer who is actually such a money grubbing whore that they are shoving their dick in strangers faces for singles.



I think this guy will do pretty well, actually. He’s a welder who made a rose out of metal and it looked quite good. He’s got the hook with that randomness. His bio reads like that of a very even keel simpleton, except for the part where he said he’s climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, which means he’ll get to at least week 7 unless he says something racist. Don’t say anything racist, Joshua and you’ll probably make it to the hometowns!


Justin is one of several fitness trainers on this show and I don’t remember him from the episode and I’m sure he can join some of the other guys as wallpaper personality-wise.



He’s a dinosaur overlord who has plans for world domination using his cannons and turtle shelled minions. He is still having trouble with those two pesky plumbers at the moment. And, Britt and Kaitlyn do not need to worry about his previous unhealthy stalking and kidnapping of Princess Peach because he’s totally over that uppity broad.

Oh wait… it’s not King Koopah? It’s just Kupah?

Oh right. This guy. Yeah, he didn’t have a job and he dressed like Morpheus in The Matrix and he seemed like he was real into feet. That’s my guess, but I don’t think I’m wrong at all. Dude loves fucking feet.


I don’t think I liked this guy. I’m pretty sure I thought he was really annoying. At the same time, I find them all annoying.

Checking out his bio… two of his three favorite movies are Sliding Doors and Top Gun, so he’s gay.

Guess it doesn’t matter if Kaitlyn or Britt stays because Ryan just wants fame or a piece of the Chris Harrison ass.


This guy is 1 of 2 probable registered sex offenders who made it onto this show.

Good news though, Ryan M. was kicked off the show for being a drunk asshole. I think he got kicked off for good, but I don’t know. I left the room for a minute or two and he was gone. Maybe Disney executed him. Probably for the best.


Kaitlyn wanted this guy’s dick. Like all of it. She wanted his crank, jank, wank whatever you want to call it – she wanted his stank and her stank to just ank together forever.

He’s a personal trainer and he’s taller than a few of the other ones and Danielle thinks he looks like the evil love child of The Situation and Ryan Gosling, so I’m guessing unless Shawn really fucks this up that he’ll be on the show for quite awhile.


Besides being an amateur (read: unemployed) Ian Ziering stand-in, Shawn E. is also an amateur sex coach, which means he’s actualized his creepiness into an unpaid job.

If you’re wondering if I think he’s a sex offender, I’d say no. I don’t think he’s ever had sex. I think this is all a lame attempt at trying to have sex. He’s from Canada, so he’s probably just way too polite to even attempt sex.

He sucks.

He did drive up in a car filled with water, which had nothing to do with being an amateur sex coach, so he’s probably just a weirdo liar.


I’m not sure this guy was even on last night’s episode.

I think this is Disney punking me. Playing a little joke.

Tanner is not an actual person.



Last but far from least is resident sex offender #2 – TONY!

Not just a sex offender in my eyes, I totally think he’s a serial killer. Tony calls himself a “healer” and he’s 35 and I believe he’s murdered at least six cold cases across America’s midwest.

Besides being a legitimate creep, Tony showed up to the first episode of The Bachelorette with a black eye. That alone is fucked up and a cause for all the alarms, but he did not mention the black eye to anyone as far as we the viewers could tell. That means he’s a sociopath and possible feeds on the people he’s killed.

I hope Disney allows the authorities to arrest Tony before he gets his next victim, and they take really good notes about Tony’s nefarious activities because I’m sure they would make for a thrilling, sexually deviant storyline for season 3 of True Detective. 


I am flying to San Francisco tomorrow with Danielle for a wedding.

And I think about you lots when I’m in the shower.

I love you?

Danielle and I rewatched “Jurassic Park” last night. It is a strange fucking movie. I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen it at this point at least 3 dozen times I would think, but it is a fucking weird movie filled with the dumbest characters ever put on film. 

The girl who strangely looks like a mini-Laura Dern is one of the dumbest movie characters in all of movie history. She’s in a Ford Explorer and an actual T-Rex is standing no less than 15 feet away and she decides to jump into the trunk of the car and find an enormous flashlight and turn it on. Why? Why?!!? Pretty much every creature that has ever existed on this planet would be drawn to a beam of light that is moving around. Human beings would be attracted to a beam of light that is moving around! No one in a horror movie has ever done as stupid of a thing as being in a hiding spot in the dark then going out of their way to find a flashlight to turn it on and to point it at the thing they are worried about killing them.

THEN! 20 seconds after she just turned the flashlight on she is 100% incapable of turning the flashlight off! Incapable! Completely cannot figure out how to turn off a flashlight she literally turned on less than a minute ago.

Later, she references herself as a “hacker” and is shown to be a whiz with computers. I guess if the flashlight was turned on and off with Linux software – she would’ve been able to do it.

The movie is also filled with the oddest humor, which makes all the characters seem like sociopath buffoons.

How about Laura Dern being attacked by a velociraptor then an arm falls on her shoulder out of the shadows and she’s all calm for a second like “ohhh, Mr. Arnold” then it turns out it’s a bloody stump of an arm that I guess the velociraptor hid back there for this very moment and that revelation of the bloody arm is what makes Laura realize again that their is a highly murderous dinosaur a couple feet from trying to rip through the tiny little fence between them.

Also, by the end of the movie, Laura Dern is about one more dinosaur chase away from creaming her khaki shorts. SERIOUSLY! She starts off as some archaeological nerd and with every seen Laura Dern fucking wants IT and Wants IT and WANTS IT to the point that she ditches her glasses, ditches her top, and she’s got some pretty serious pokies happening beneath her tank top to the point that they should seriously put those kids in a different chopper off the island because she needs to get Dr. Grant’s D tout de suite in her toot sweet.

I may have missed something on every viewing of Jurassic Park, but…


Where does everyone go?

I feel like they must make some mention of it, but maybe they don’t. Did they escape the island when everyone else was manning the fort?

There are dozens of scientists as well as waiters and chefs on this island. What happened to them? Are they eaten by dinosaurs too?

There’s the shitty, park ranger/doctor who is such a shitty doctor that he doesn’t notice the sick triceratops’ gigantic eyes are dilating. He takes Laura Dern for a ride – not that kind of ride although she certainly wants IT – and then is never seen or heard from again. I mean where did he go? Am I forgetting like a mass exodus sequence where all the chefs and scientists like B.D. Wong get off the island while the rest of our protagonists/morons decide to stay on the island to ‘rassle with the dinos?



More like “gay warden” if you ask me with his sassy khaki shorts showing off more leg than Debbie Does Dallas Laura Dern over there.

First off, he’s a fucking lunatic who wants to kill all the animals in the park, so we might as well make him in charge, right?

Second off, when he finally gets the chance to show off his hunting prowess, he tries to trick the ever-clever raptors by placing his curled-up cowboy hat on a log as if the raptors would spot it and go after that instead of going after him as he tries to flank them. Uhhhhhh, what the fuck?!?!?! What kind of horrible plan is that? That raptor doesn’t know what the fuck that hat is or even going to register that that is a hat and hats are worn by humans, so it should go after it.

IF you’re hunting something and trying to draw it into a trap, you have to put something in the trap area that will lure the animal. A hat ain’t going to do it. Especially, a hat that isn’t even fucking doing anything besides sitting on a stationary log. That raptor and/or any animal ever will just be looking through the jungle and be like, “tree, tree, tree, tree, tree” they’re not going to be like, “tree, tree, tree, hat on a log, tree, tree- WAIT A SECOND! Hat on a log?!??!?! There’s a human under that hat I bet!”

So fucking stupid. Worst hunter ever and worst hire ever by the most inept grandfather of all-time.

Sure, I could criticize Sam Neil’s Dr. Grant character who has a weird perversion with children and, also, doesn’t think to climb around to the other side of the tree where the Ford Explorer isn’t dangling over head, but he’s a mole hill compared to the mountain of idiocy that is John Hammond.


Hey, you Santa Claus look-a-like motherfucker, what is going on in your fucking idiot skull?! You’re going to test drive a theme park – that you totally think there’s a chance will kill everyone that steps foot into it – with your grandkids?!

Not only does he test drive the theme park with his fucking grandkids, but could he have a more skeletal crew of people involved with keeping DINOSAURS behind a wire fence? He has one “game warden” for a fucking island of creatures that are all 10x the size of us and we have absolutely no experience keeping control of. ONE GUY IS IN CHARGE OF THAT! Shit, I worked at a non-profit for a few months and my desk was near the mail room and there were 5 people working the mail room. FIVE. Five people sorting mail to be delivered in house to a staff of like 200 people. FIVE. John Hammond hired ONE guy to handle keeping an island of HUNDREDS of DINOSAURS in line from KILLING PEOPLE! John Hammond is the fucking dumbest man ever!

And then when everything falls apart and that Col. Sanders look-a-like motherfucker is simply waiting to hear if his grandkids have been murdered by dinosaurs – what does this fucking idiot do?


Ice cream! The fucking old coot doesn’t grab a walkie-talkie and stand-by pacing around or maybe get off his rich ass and grab a fucking shotgun and try to kill a dinosaur himself. NO! What this fucker does is go into the expansive kitchen of the catering hall and pull out multiple drums of ice cream and then he carries them into the dining room and he just sits down and goes to town on some ice cream. SERIOUSLY!!

This dude bought an island, bought scientists to make dinosaurs, filled the island with dinosaurs, hired less than the minimum of people to run this island and the highly-dangerous dinosaurs that he brought back to life, and then he threw his grandkids into the mix.

Also, he is an actual moron in the movie too. The other characters point out what an idiot he is. Laura Dern mentions that John has filled the island with poisonous plants because they look pretty, but he doesn’t know nor did he do any research to know that they’re poisonous plants. Besides all the shit that we see him do that is dumb that Steven Spielberg probably didn’t intentionally think would make him look dumb and instead thought they would be nice set piece scenes – his character is actually fucking dumb to the other characters.


There’s a strange scene where he it is setup that he’s the reason why Wayne Knight’s character does the shit that he does that eventually causes all the power to go out. First, he only hired ONE person to code or decode or whatever computer nonsense that Wayne Knight is doing. This plus an apparently low salary and a shitty attitude by John leads Wayne Knight to become disgruntled and fuck them all over.

Plus, the park is just a fucking murder park to begin with. He’s got dinosaurs and raptors just being fed live animals to be torn to shreds. John Hammond is fucking PETA’s worse fucking nightmare. A live cow simply lowered into a room of raptors to tear it to fucking shreds? A live goat tied to a pole for a T-Rex to fucking pick its teeth with? He’s easily the most terrible person alive. That’s all if the park is going well too! Once the park falls apart, it’s just a T-Rex and raptors running loose eating whatever dinosaur they feel like. So, he brought back dinosaurs into existence, so they could either murder or be murdered. Isn’t that the most psychotic thing you’ve ever heard?

And, in the end, he fucking survives too. There should have been a shot of John Hammond sacrificing himself to help save his fucking grandkids. Or a shot of him staying on the island to go down with the ship ala Titanic, which in this case means to get torn to shred by the fucking horrible creations that he unleashed on the world that will all no doubt be killed by each other and/or the poisonous plants he stocked the island with because they were pretty.


If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Jeff Goldblum or the boy – it’s because those two characters are flawless.

Goldblum points out what a death trap this island is and he tries to fuck Laura Dern and he has to actually tell Sam Neil to worry for the kids’ safety.

The boy? He knows more about dinosaurs than almost all of the adults and appears to know just as much about dinosaurs as Dr. Grant, he has a healthy fear of everything that is going on, and he’s a fucking kid. You want me to find fault in some kid? Disgusting. The girl does all the moronic things in their section of the movie.

The movie is weird. I’ll watch it another million times though. It’s fucking Jurassic Park!


THE CURSED SEAL IS RELEASED AND WE CAN ALL BE FREE (until Bachelor in Paradise starts this summer)!!!! WE CAN ALL LIVE FREELY (meaning we can now watch something else on Monday nights for 2 to 3 hours like House of Cards)!!!!!! YES!!!!!

Last night was the finale for trick ass, punk ass mark Chris Soules’ stupid ass, dumb ass season of the Bachelor.

And you may have guessed from her name trending all day on Yahoo or from the myriad of articles that are more or less lazy FBI background checks on her propagating all over the internet today…



Congrats, I guess.

So, Whitney won.

She did win. Technically, she totally won. I mean she totally got the final rose and she totally got the engagement ring. That totally happened. He said the “I love you” words and he proposed and all of that totally happened in some stupid ass barn in stupid ass Iowa with a stupid ass stained-glass spraying tie-dye colored light all over this stupid ass moment of theirs.


The thing is…


He so did.

Fucking numb nuts Chris wanted to choose Becca, but that Jamie Lynn Spears looking virgin didn’t want anything to do with him. Honestly, it was pretty amazing.

Covered head to toe in about 10 pounds of bronzer, Becca carved a hole into numb nuts Chris’ heart and proceeded to proceeded to put not an ounce of herself into it. She couldn’t have been any less committal to a guy whose TV show she is on for the sole purpose of being proposed to by him.

Becca was all like ‘you can propose to me, but I’m not sure if that’s going to make me like you like you anymore than I do now or ever and I’m also not really that into liking you just because you’re the only guy here.’ Not an exact quote, but it’s exactly what she was feeling.

After however much or little time the two of them spent together, Becca was not down to clown with Chris.


And if you’re not down to clown then I guess you have to move on and propose to the OTHER girl who is also riding in a limo on their way over to the same exact barn that the not clowning chick is leaving from because this is a fucking game show and that’s how the sanctity of marriage is dealt with on this show.

Seriously, if I was a marriage advocate who thinks gays getting married was a slap in the face to marriage… NO! The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is a fucking slap in the face to marriage. It’s not some great moment between two people who have found each other. It’s a fucking thing that you say you’re going to do because the show is coming to an end and the one chick isn’t feeling it, so you say you’re going to get married to the other one because why not – it’s not like any of this means anything because you don’t HAVE TO get married nor does it matter if you do and then divorce them because the marriage was based on winning a fucking gameshow. A FUCKING GAME SHOW!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Whatever your beef with gays is – they dress better and dance better than you probably – they’re not trying to get married because of a fucking game show. They want to get married because of government benefits and because they want the world to know they want to put their genitals together with this other person’s genitals for the rest of their life in a real way. And that’s what the true spirit of marriage is and not some fucking game show.

Back to the fucking proposal bullshit game show…

Per usual, Whitney adorned herself in pink and threw herself and her crazy type A eyes at numb nuts Chris for the entirety of the time she was shown on TV. She will do anything to win or at least pretend like she’s going to marry numb nuts Chris. Throw away her life, throw away her job, pretend like numb nuts Chris isn’t going to try and bang the hell out of his dance partner on Dancing with the Stars whose name is… Witney Carson.


She spells her name without an H like an idiot… but nevertheless…


Too fucking funny!

Whitney – the one on the bachelor who will soon be cheated on with Witney – said that she didn’t watch this season’s The Bachelor and Chris Harrison asked why every which way he could to try and break Whitney into saying that she didn’t watch it because numb nuts Chris was tongue-fucking every chick on the damn show including a 20 year old single mother, a pair of 24+ year old virgins, a clown prostitute, and he totally fucked Kaitlyn.

I’d 100% bet that Whitney has googled this shit in the middle of the night and found out about all the stuff that numb nuts Chris did and I’m sure she’ll see that numb nuts Chris would have totally asked Becca to marry him if she had given him even the slightest bit of confidence that she was at all planning on letting him pop her cherry.


It’s actually making me grossed out thinking about a grown man being into de-virginizing someone. I know it’s grossing you out, but let’s just be clear – I find it fucking creepy as shit as well.


Jimmy Kimmel was pretty hilarious saying point blank to numb nuts Chris that Becca just wasn’t into him… with Whitney right there.

The show kept pushing Ashley S. to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

And the show announced its new setup for the next season of The Bachelorette, which I feel like I don’t understand.

Next season, clown prostitute Britt – who showed up to the finale with about 1/10th of the make-up on that she normally had – and the cutest unemployed wino ever Kaitlyn will both be The Bachelorettes… for one night?

I’m not sure if this is right or not, but I think the idea is that the next season of The Bachelorette will have 25 dudes or whatever show up to the house and both Britt and Kaitlyn will be there and the guys will meet both of them and then at the end of the night the guys will get to decide who is The Bachelorette for that season.

Just another fucking slap in the face from Disney to women everywhere! WOOOO!!!

Also, the count total is 25 for Britt or 25 for Kaitlyn then there are going to be guys on the show who are faking it even more that they are into a chick they’re just supposed to be into because they’re on this game show that says they’re supposed to be into this chick — even though they just voted they would rather be into the only other option chick who they were more cool with faking that they were into her because they are supposed to be into her because this is a game show they signed up to be on.


Fucking hell.

I’d say there’s a 1% chance that Whitney and numb nuts Chris get married.

Thanks for reading!


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