November 2, 2016
Hey there, lovers and lovees!
Am I doing this right? It’s been awhile, hopefully, I still got the magic in these fingertips to rant and rave like a Republican Presidential candidate on a sniffling binge at 3am molesting his iPhone’s keyboard with his mini-sausage fingers like all the unfortunate women who have been within arm’s reach of his KKK endorsed pigeon dick. WHAT?! I believe I still got it.
I saw this…
Susanelle – Jordan, I want summer movie reviews / speculations, stat
ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, SUSANELLE!
Or, at least, ask in a comment and you shall receive a cool four months after you asked.
Yes, yes, yes. I had been thinking of all of you more than usual. I had thought about doing a post, which I’ll mention more later in this post when it is more appropos – oh who gives a shit. I decided to force myself to watch Suicide Squad. GUESS WHAT? I HATED IT … and … I couldn’t even finish the fucker! I still have a half hour left. Fuck! Why is that movie two hours long?! Probably because there’s an insane amount of bullshit that doesn’t need to be in the movie, plus, the whole movie didn’t need to be made either. I’m jumping to and fro, per usual, and I need to take a second.
AM I RIGHT?!
I saw that movie! And it is alright. More on that later.
I think of you often. I thought I would subject myself to Suicide Squad for your enjoyment. Or for my own. Or whatever. And then, I realized that all this time, I wasn’t logged into KSWI on WordPress. This whole time, I had been logged into HeyyyBrother and I’s wedding website, which no one has commented on, apparently. But there was a comment on KSWI in June from Susanelle, which I hadn’t seen until the end of last week when I started to write about Suicide Squad. LO AND BEHOLD (Reveries of the Connected World… a movie I have not seen yet, but desperately want to), there was a comment on KSWI urging for a post and here I am to give it.
Let me give you it to you!
So, Susanelle wanted “summer movie reviews/speculations”. I will give you all that I have Susanelle in that. I have seen 15 movies this year. I’m including in that the 3/4’s of Suicide Squad. I will watch the last half hour sooner than later. I’m pretty sure that in the last half hour of that movie, director David Ayer isn’t going to summon a magical Bahamut of a good movie to fucking lay to fucking waste the putrid shit of 90 minutes up until then. THERE HAVE BEEN THREE FUCKING HELICOPTER CRASHES IN THE FUCKING MOVIE AND EVERYONE SURVIVES THEM! ANY FUCKING CHARACTER WITH A FUCKING NAME HAS BEEN IN ONE OF THREE HELICOPTER CRASHES AND THEY’VE ALL SURVIVED! WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE?!?!!?!??!?!?!!!
Back to the point of the post, I guess me ranting is always the point, but movies!
I have seen 15 movies that came out in 2016 or, at least, I believe all of these movies came out in theaters this year, but what the fuck ever! You’re getting some movie reviews from me, Kay-Swidge-Izzle and if I’m still feeling a bit frisky I’ll throw in some speculations about upcoming movies.
But firest, I must admit, I kind of fucked up the order on this, so the first like six are not in chronological order and the following nine I believe are in chronological order. Not that that matters, but I’m telling you anyway. I’m not here to hide from you, you know? I mean two hours ago, I burped/coughed/sneezed at the same time and almost vomitted. That happened! That absolutely happened. And I’m just telling you that because that’s how we share. Do you feel a little less alone in this big big world knowing that I nearly threw up because my mouth oriface tried to do everything it could possibly do at once and the rest of my body couldn’t handle that? Maybe! MAY! BE! Ok? xoxooxoxoxxxxxxx, ok too many kisses, ooooooooo… ppppp p stands for pat on the back. Now, I’m walking away. Giving you your personal space.
AND I’M BACK! MISS ME?! Ugh… ok… movie reviews…
THE WITCH – FUCKING LOVED IT. BAM! Who is Robert Eggers? I don’t know. Who is Anya Taylor-Joy? I don’t know. But I love them. And I love the mom and dad in this movie aka “Game of Thrones” alumni Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie. And those creepy twins and the sad brother. It’s all great. Two of the best movies I’ve seen this year were technically “horror” movies. I usually say I don’t like horror movies and that’s because I don’t. I don’t like Paranormal Activity and Hostel and whatever else that classically defines horror, but the idea of HOR ROR can be wonderful in movies. Genres are for Netflix coders and ghosts trapped in old Blockbusters. For the rest of us, movies are good or bad. Even that’s questionable. BACK TO THE POINT…
The Witch fucking rocked. It’s a slow burn creep fest set in pre-Salem witch trials New England. It’s stifling, it’s uncomfortable, it’s bleak, and it’s fucking riveting. It’s almost like The Shining, but set in 1630’s woods. First time writer/director absolutely nails the tone he’s going for and the tension and the suspense and the horror is on fucking point. It feels earnest, it feels well-crafted, and there’s shit at stake. Most movies don’t do any of those three things and most don’t nail any tone down for the movie and Eggers does in this strange period piece about religion, witchcraft, and the terribleness of siblings.
It’s also 92 minutes with credits, so there is nothing but meat on these bones. I have and will continue to recommend this movie much heartily.
GREEN ROOM – FUCKING LOVED IT. BAM BAM! Who is Jeremy Saulnier? A man I’m following to the bitter end. Who is Macon Blair? One of the most naturally captivating actors out there. I haven’t watched their first effort “Murder Party”, but I have seen “Blue Ruin”. I highly-recommend that movie. In that movie, I feel in love with Saulnier’s ability to capture tone, earnestness, craft, and shit at stake. And his muse, Macon Blair, I found staring at him the way Saulnier must have and the way Paul Thomas Anderson did when he saw Philip Seymour Hoffman for the first time. There’s just something desperate, broken, needy, but resolute and in charge about Blair in both Blue Ruin and then Green Room.
Like The Witch, Green Room is a horror movie. It’s a wild, bloody affair with real tension and violence and threat and menace and a point. It’s great. It’s practical and forceful and it lures you in and then SNAPS on you like beartrap. Also, like The Witch, it’s 95 minutes with no fat on it and it’s wonderful. It’s about a punk band who accidentally takes a gig at a skinhead club in the middle of the woods and witnesses some bad shit and now those skinheads plan to murder the band and the band is fighting for the lives to survive.
It’s great. It’s not for everyone. It’s sad that Anton Yelchin died in general and it’s sad because he’s great as the lead in this movie and not enough people have seen this to see the type of young actor we lost. I look forward to anything Saulnier and Blair put out.
I will say that this movie and the next do have violence against animals, specifically dogs, in them. Green Room’s is less graphic, but it is more and more difficult for me to watch any violence against animals, especially dogs, in movies. It’s fake. Yeah, we know, but the feeling behind it is awful, which is why people use it in movies a lot of times because it is a viscera feeling for most. Anyway, just saying…
THE LOBSTER – I loved this movie. I will say right off the bat that there is a graphic depiction of a dog murdered and other animals killed. It does serve the story, but I won’t shy away from saying it’s difficult to watch and can be quite upsetting. With that being said…
This is a great movie. There are common themes among these first three movies besides that I liked them quite a bit… the tone, nailed. Everything else I said about craft and shit being at stake, nailed. There is also a dark humor, an uneasy bleakness, and a push to escape one’s surroundings. And they’re manifested into three very different movies.
Despite the actual horror in the movie during the dog death and so forth, this movie made me laugh so hard throughout much of it. Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos directed the most awkward and wooden and hilarious dark comedy about dating. The Lobster at its core is trashing dating, marriage, single-life, and really just relationships in general and it’s funny. It’s insane too. The movie is set in a dystopian future where sad singles move into a hotel to either find their spouse or be literally turned into an animal of their choosing. Not only does it lampoon dating and love life and blah blah blah, but it also nails all the rebellion and espionage and world building that takes place in sci-fi dystopian movies that are all the rage.
It has a great cast lead by Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz with a great supporting cast like John C. Reilly, Lea Seydoux, Ben Whishaw, Ashley Jensen, and Olivia Colman.
TICKLED – If you’re even remotely interested in seeing a documentary about a tickling fetish THEN YOU MUST SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE! Seriously, watch the trailer and don’t even try to deny you want to see this damn movie… It’s fucking great and worth it…
SWISS ARMY MAN – And last and for sure not least on the front six movies that I highly motherfucking recommend from this year is the absurd, hopeless romantic, comedy featuring Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe (and his bare ass). I do not want to give anything more away than this movie is wonderful and fucking nuts. Again, I’m just going to post the trailer below and if this colorful nuttiness looks even remotely interesting or makes your crotch twitch even slightly then it’s worth your time…
Now onto the chronological order movies…
DEADPOOL – Meh. It has become readily apparent to me that comic book movies are not being made with me in mind. Or at least, today’s me. Seemingly, they have me in mind, but it’s 1998’s me. Like, I wasn’t able to drive yet and I was 15 and hadn’t seen as many good movies or movies in general as I’ve seen now. It’s depressing. It’s just depressing. I get that someone in a sense has to make movies for teenage boys whether they are actual teenage boys or grown-ups with the same taste as a negative stereotype of teenage boys, but doesn’t it seem more depressing when you realize that it’s like dozens of grown-up men ranging from late 30’s at best through to AARP level who are making this movie that is for the next wave of degenerate white boys?
Maybe it’s not the worst thing. Suicide Squad is the worst thing of the above mentioned. Deadpool does get anally fucked by his girlfriend in this movie, so maybe Deadpool is actually reaching out a little to a more open-minded next generation. I don’t know.
I will say I read the original script for Deadpool. I hated that. HATED that. It was everything I wouldn’t want in a Deadpool movie. And while the movie does follow much of the script very closely, the movie did remove the most offensive parts. The movie doesn’t openly masturbate about types of guns and so forth like the script does as if it penned with barrel lube from a Swastika-tattooed NRA member. The movie is much better than the script. Much better. I will say that for sure.
There’s plenty of needless stupidity in the movie like the entirety of the final fight. Why was that on a decomposed ship in a junkyard in the middle of the day? Is that a thing that even exists? And how is Deadpool able to piece the glass on the tube that Morena Baccarin is in with a thrown sword, but the glass is perfectly fine after falling off that decomposing freight ship onto concrete with other concrete and shipping containers falling on it? Who cares, I guess.
Deadpool is in a way sadly refreshing and good for the low bar that is out there for comic book movies. Deadpool is a more realized character worth watching than Hugh Jackman as Wolverine any day of the week. The axe-wielding villain sucked in this movie. I love the movie for having Gina Carano in it and her fight with Colossus is pretty solid for the little bit there is of it. I wouldn’t tell anyone to go out of their way to see the movie as I don’t really think any of it was actually funny or anything and was more annoying than anything, but it is actually much better than the rest of the comic book movies out there this year.
10 CLOVERFIELD LANE – It’s definitely watchable. I don’t think movie was nearly as smart as they thought it was or hoped to be, but it works enough. I legit have no clue what we’re supposed to think about the subplot that John Goodman’s character is a pedophile, child-kidnapper, and killer, but it doesn’t seem like the makers of the movie thought that much of it either. They kind of just throw it into the movie like you throw paprika into a stew – for who gives a shit added color. It’s not bad, but it’s kind of all over the map with tone. In a sense, you can say they’re trying too hard to be too much, but more so I would say they just don’t know what they want to be as they think they can be everything.
You know how you finish watching some movies and you’re like well there was some action, some humor, some drama, and some thriller moments, so I guess it was a movie, right? I guess. As crafted as it felt, it felt even more so just thrown together. They designed this bunker and all of its nostalgic details, but forgot to tack on any sense to the escape. It’s a movie! It was enough of a distraction if you’re looking to kill 2 hours, which we all are at some point in time. There you go.
Holy shit… 2500 words already?! Jeez…
BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE – I hated it. I hated it! I HATED IT! What the fuck was the point of this movie? I have defended Zack Snyder and his movies before and would gladly do it again because I genuinely think those other movies are good, but this? This?! This suhhhhhh-hhhhhuuuuuccckkkkkeeeddd! I hated this fucking pile of dump. We haven’t even gotten to Suicide Squad yet, but over the course of 90 minutes of that movie I took NINE PAGES of notes about those 90 minutes. I could have done more and will do more for the rest of the 30 minutes, but there are just choices after choices after choices made that make no fucking sense or have such little sense to them that what the fuck is it trying to say or why is it trying to say that.
Jesse Eisenberg is the worst. Jesse as Lex is a plague against all of our brains that people, multiple people day after day after day after thought what he was doing as Lex was ok. AND THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD BE BEATEN WITH BAGS OF LEMONS FOR THINKING THAT. I cannot express how awful and purposefully terrible Jesse’s Lex character is because of his acting choices as well as the script’s decisions for him. Besides the odd voice and cadence and hair and wardrobe and physical decisions made by boy wonder Jesse or by Zack or by whoever – LEX LUTHOR PEES INTO A JAR AND LABELS IT WITH MASKING TAPE AND THEN SNEAKS INTO A UNITED STATES SENATE COURT ROOM OR SOMETHING AND LEAVES IT ON THE FUCKING DAIS WHERE THE SENATORS SIT IN THIS ROOM AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM AND HE DOES THIS AS A PRACTICAL JOKE RIGHT BEFORE BLOWING UP THE ENTIRE ROOM, WHICH KILLS EVERYONE IN IT.
That happens in the movie. Lex Luthor pees into a jar. That happens. That happens! They made a movie that cost like $300 million to make and they have a seen where a billionaire villain played by Jesse Eisenberg pees into a glass mason jar. THAT HAPPENS! WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?! IT WOULD ALMOST BE HILARIOUS IF IT WASN’T SO FUCKING SAD! WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THIS EARTH THAT PEOPLE OKED THIS! PEOPLE UPON PEOPLE UPON PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT WAS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE THING FOR JESSE EISENBERG’S BILLIONAIRE VILLAINOUS STEVE JOBS VERSION OF LEX LUTHOR TO DO! IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS WEIRDO CHARACTER’S LIFE WHERE HE’S COMMUNICATING WITH DEMONS FROM DIFFERENT PLANES OF EXISTENCES THROUGH ALIEN TECHNOLOGY AND SORCERY — HE IS ALSO PEEING INTO JARS FOR PRACTICAL JOKES!
The movie is like 30 hours of awful ranging from Wonder Woman checking her email to a myriad of flashback/flashforward/dream sequences that do not factor into this movie, but possible sequels or prequels or who knows what and it just sucks. From the big picture to the small picture, it’s wrong. Forest from the trees? It’s more like they were so focused on painting this elaborate and enormous forest that they were so focused on just getting it done that they didn’t realize that it’s just a mess of choices that are pink and purple and they don’t look like trees and it’s just all wrong. As wrong as that metaphor.
I don’t even know where to go with this, but people complain a lot about the ending. If you were digging the movie up until the “Martha” revelation then something might be wrong with you. The movie sucked. It doesn’t even matter if Ben Affleck could have been a good Batman because 9 out of 10 things Batman does in the movie is so stupid and pointless that it’s truly difficult to judge what the fuck these actors are doing.
Oh man, I just remember that fucking awful scene where Superman gets into the bathtub with Lois. Holy shit. WHAT WAS THAT SCENE?! Man, this was a shitty movie. For a second there, it was like Zack couldn’t help himself because it seems like you’re going to get full frontal nudity from Amy Adams and this is like a PG movie. It’s nuts. I bet Zack had Cavill and Adams film like a graphic full front fuck scene in that tub and Zack and his producing partner wife get off to it on the reg, which really is the only thing that makes me still want to like Zack after this is all said and done.
What a shitty movie.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR – Sucked. I don’t know what the point of these movies are besides making them. Same can be said for the next movie. The best scene in this movie is the airport fight scene, which is in a way the worst scene in the movie. There is a moment where I think it’s Scarlett Witch or Scarlett Johansson or some truly attractive woman says to weirdo fingers Jeremy Renner that he is pulling his punches (his punches that are a ball of his weirdo fingers) and Renner responds as Hawkeye – that they’re all on the same team. Maybe he says something else, but this whole huge fight scene is a bunch of people fighting, but not trying to hurt each other kind of, but at the same time using the deadliest weapons and techniques, but they know they’re not going to hurt each other though with them. Like people are shooting bullets and missiles at each other, shooting laser beams at each other, throwing each other into explosions, dropping heavy things onto each other, smashing each other… but they’re not trying to hurt each other? What? It’s dumb. So many movies have scenes like this scene and it’s dumb. It’s dumb!
Nothing is at stake. Nothing is at stake in this whole fucking movie. So it’s dumb. The whole point of the movie is for us to literally stare at actors faces that we know and I guess like. That’s it! It’s a sizzle reel of Robert Downey Jr’s face and then his face again and his voice and his face and then Chris Evans’ face and his voice then back to RDJ and then to Jeremy Renner then Scarlett Johannson although not too much because we like looking at the boys more than the girls then Aaron Taylor Johnson’s face and then hey Paul Rudd and then back to RDJ then two hours of RDJ and Sebastian Stan’s face. That’s it. We like looking at their faces. I KNOW THAT FACE! I LIKE THAT FACE! SHOW ME THAT FACE! SHOW IT TO ME AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! People just love fucking looking at Robert Downey Jr.’s face and hearing his voice. I’m not one of those people, but billions of dollars are on the otherside of that sentence who legit just want his face and voice in a loop.
X-MEN: APOCALYPSE – Sucked. BvS looked exhausting. It was such a mess and there was so much of it. It’s exhausting. Civil War looked like they were having a good time making the movie. It’s easy. There’s virtually zero heavy lifting going on in the movie and it’s just great and they know it will be a success and it’s a breeze. They could make 100 Civil War movies in a year without breaking a sweat. This movie? Everyone looks fucking depressed. No one is into it. They all look like they don’t know why they’re there. Like on the set of Civil War, you’re like yeah people like looking at RDJ’s face like millions upon billions of people and then hey there’s Chris Evans and people fucking love looking at his face and hey they’re facing talking to each other and then wait there’s Don Cheadle who doesn’t like looking at his face, some people who watch Showtime like looking at his dick even. What? Is that Scarlett Johansson!?! Man, everyone loves looking at these people’s faces. I’m going to enjoy looking at their faces while making this movie. This all makes sense.
But then there’s the X-Men set, which thinks it’s the same as Civil War, but it’s not. Of course, there’s Jennifer Lawrence. We love looking at her face, for sure. Michael Fassbender, you know we do like looking at his face, but does everyone know his face at this point? I mean definitely not as much as RDJ or Chris Evans. James McAvoy? Oh right, I do know his face. I’m not sure everyone wants to see his face. Who is Nicholas Hoult? Or really any of these people? I mean I don’t really know who Oscar Isaac is, I mean I do because of Star Wars, but I don’t see his face in this movie and then who are all these people? Jesus, there are so many people in this movie. There’s like 50 people in this movie and I don’t know who any of them are and I haven’t seen Jennifer Lawrence’s face in like 20 minutes, which makes me mad and is that Sansa from Game of Thrones? She’s in this? Who are these people with her? I don’t want to see their faces.
Add onto that a completely fucking terrible, stupid movie that just sucks. Michael Fassbender genuinely looks like he hated making this movie, by the by. The movie is just bad. Scene after scene of dumb. I truly disliked this movie and the lack of thought put into any of it. It has a lot of the same problems that BvS has where it thinks it is making a big, grand, epic movie and is instead just making a stupid mess. And it’s just bad. Nothing to like about this movie. Well, actually, I did wait to sit through the credits to see the post-credits scene, which sucked like the rest of the movie, but while watching the credits I noticed how many motherfucking people are listed in the credits and thought, “Well, at least, a lot of people got work out of this bullshit. I guess that’s something.” And then after the post-credits scene, there was blurb congratulating itself on how many people were employed making this movie. Cool. Thanks! Thanks Bryan Singer for wasting my 2.5 hours with your shit movie, but I’m glad all those people got money and possibly healthcare coverage out of it.
WARCRAFT – Sucked. Waste of time and effort. For 3.5 years or whatever they spent making this movie, it sort of looks like every other fucking movie. Duncan Jones has directed “Moon” and “Source Code”, which I’m a big fan of both. I’m glad this Warcraft shit is over, so that Duncan can go back to making movies that could be good. Everyone and their mother hated or didn’t see “John Carter” and I believe I wrote a large bit about how much I hated that movie and I think almost all of that stuff can be applicable for how much I disliked Warcraft.
CGI is not good. You have to be very clever and sparing with your use of CGI or it just looks bad and/or silly. The best CGI looks about as good as “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”, but it works in that movie because of the tone and use of it. It’s supposed to be absurd and silly and it’s supposed to look like two competing versions of reality. Whereas, Warcraft? It looks like a bunch of actors stuck on a soundstage for a few years and it sucks. Just like the Star Wars Prequels. Just like Michael Fassbender in that X-Men movie as he needlessly floats in the sky and needlessly churns flying debris to what purpose no one knows. And watching it and trying to enjoy it looks like Fassbender when he’s still floating and throwing an infinite stream of that debris into the forcefield of Oscar Isaac waving his arms around in the air and blowing up that debris with about a third of the menace I had when I was a 4 year old karate chopping low-tide ocean waves on a family vacation to the Jersey Shore.
GHOSTBUSTERS – Could’ve been better. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. And really what made it bad or not great is the need for this movie to be some big fucking summer fucking fuckathon blockbuster. The stuff with Kristen Wiig being funny or Melissa McCarthy being funny and berating the Chinese delivery guy or Leslie Jones being funny or Kate McKinnon stealing every scene she was in — that’s fine. That’s good. That’s what the movie should have been from beginning to end. But what really soured me is the end of the world ending and the lack of emphasis on the rules of what the ghosts did or what their powers were, which is a problem for lots and lots of movies. Like the movies listed above. I don’t know where the powers begin and end with Apocalypse in X-Men, which makes him pointless. I don’t know where the powers begin and end with the witchdoctor guy in WarCraft or really any magic user in WarCraft, which makes it pointless. I think Ghostbusters hurts itself trying to stay true to the original at points, but overall my issues with it are the issues that most summer blockbusters have – nothing at stake and it’s just a mess as they make the movie so big. Definitely some funny stuff in the movie and it’s not terrible by any stretch of the imagination. Paul Feig’s previous work with Melissa is much better. “Spy” is fucking great. “The Heat” is fucking great. And “Bridesmaids” is great too. All the misogyny about the movie is fucking bullshit and any person who tweeted shit like that I hope will all get stabbed. Literally stabbed. With a fork, a knife, a machete. It really depends on how many tweets you sent and what words were used, but you should get stabbed. I pray to the Lord above that you are stabbed.
SUICIDE SQUAD – Sucked. I’m 90 minutes in and it sucks. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s a fucking mess. And it’s just another fucking dumbass David Ayer movie. People complain about the Joker. They should. Those people have not seen David Ayer’s other movies I must assume because everything you hate about the Joker is exactly like a villain in another David Ayer movie. Jared Leto is an asshole if he did weird shit to the other actors in this movie to get into the role of a character that is far from original and already exists in movies that this below average director has already made. Annoying cartoon Latino gangster villains? Yeah, watch a fucking other David Ayer movie – they’re chock full of them.
As for the movie… I thought it was a strange choice when they cast Will Smith. Reason being- Will Smith doesn’t play bad guys. At some point in an ultra famous actor’s career, they can make choices like, “I don’t play villains anymore.” And Will Smith made that choice. Arnold Schwarzenegger made that choice. Plenty of other actors who have gotten that famous have made that choice.
With that being said, what is Suicide Squad supposed to be? It’s about a group of villains being forced into a situation where they use their villain powers to do good despite themselves. Like I said, Will Smith doesn’t play villains. And he doesn’t play a villain in this movie either. It’s debatable if anyone plays a villain in this movie, honestly. Will Smith for sure isn’t playing a villain. So, if this movie is not about villains and is instead just a bunch of maybe reluctant heroes then what you’re looking at is “Guardians of the Galaxy” and that’s what this movie is.
I don’t think that this is some revelation or anything, but this movie is DC’s answer to GotG. And that’s fine in a sense if that’s what this movie says it is going to be. What it says it’s going to be is villains, but they’re not villains as this movie goes to great lengths to emphasize why these characters have all been wronged and are all sympathetic. Great. That’s great for a movie about heroes who got injustice done to them, but it’s a movie about villains and no one is a villain. And it’s just a shitty ripoff of Guardians of the Galaxy, which is a movie I wasn’t even into to begin with.
Like I said before, I have 9+ pages of notes of problems with about every decision made in this movie like a voiceover telling us that Joker loves Harley and that he would never hurt her and that she’s even crazier than him, which immediately goes into the Joker driving him and Harley off an embankment into water and Harley screaming Joker’s name like she’s terrified and he does this without a second thought to them surviving and he leaves Harley in the car wreckage in the water. So, did anyone pay attention to what was happening when they were making this movie or what?
DON’T BREATHE – Fine. Not great, but certainly entertaining enough. It’s got some dumb shit in it for sure and the ending certainly is filled with a whole closet full of what the fucks about the writer or the director has swirling around in his brain, but I guess why not, right? Who doesn’t like the prospect of a murderous old blind war veteran raping young women with turkey basters filled with his warm jizz? Right?! Spoiler alert, I suppose, but I actually think I’m selling the movie better than it was on TV. From the trailers, it doesn’t look like a movie that has a turkey baster filled with warm semen playing a very prominent role, but in reality that’s what the movie turns into OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.
Anyway, movies, right?
Fuck me, 5500 words.
Thank you for reading.
January 5, 2016
HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVES AND LOVERS!!!!
The glorious 2015 – where I got married and went to Italy and kept my streak alive of not throwing up in the past at least 5 years – has ended and the glorious 2015 NFL regular season has come to a close as well. Of course, the NFL still has PLAYOFFS, but 2015 the year is fucking dead. It’s fucking DEADZO! You can’t get back 2015 no matter how hard you try. At all. Can’t do it. There’s none more of 2015. 2016 RULES THE DAYZZZZZ!!!
Anyway, the regular NFL season is over and I wanted to take a look back at my mostly wrong predictions about how the NFL season would go.
If you remember, at the beginning of the season, I took the Las Vegas over/under odds of each time and then I opined with curse words as to whether that team would do better or worse than what they thought. So, I’m going to reveal if there was any credence to what I said and there wasn’t. Spoiler alert! Am I right? Just hit you with it in the same sentence.
Also, while we are on the topic of “credence” … eh eh eh … CREED the movie sucked. Or wasn’t anything special. People are talking Oscars for that movie and it’s at best as good as ROCKY BALBOA aka ROCKY 6. It’s got the same old broken down Rocky being broken down Rocky and instead of him fighting the most improbable fight to a face pulverizing end, it’s this Creed character. To me, the movie felt like it took no time to make as every scene was more or less shot in the easiest way possible and everything happened with zero deviation from a storyline you could have guessed from any trailer. Why doesn’t Duke’s kid ever come back into the movie? Why even make a big deal that there was a Duke’s kid? Fan service, I suppose, but then why not bring him back to help train Creed for the final fight? Show some humility, show some reconciliation. Nah. Fuck that says this movie.
I like Michael B. Jordan and I like Tessa Thompson as people and actors and I’m glad people are so jazzed by them, but that movie wasn’t anything special.
Speaking of un-special movies… THE MARTIAN. Really? C’mon, that movie was meh at best. Why do I want to see this harrowing tale of space survival mixed with the sassiest dialogue ever written outside of a Firefly episode? It don’t make no sense. Are you the director of NASA? Yes, and I’m also the director of snapping quips! When Kristen Wiig first appeared on screen, I was like, ‘Oh, is Kristen Wiig going to play a smart woman who wor– oh wait, she’s sassy comic relief LIKE EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER … except for Jessica Chastain. Apparently, she has no sense of humor, but she fucking loves disco music! WOOOO!!! That movie sucked. Fuck The Martian in its butthole.
THE REVENANT kicked ass.
THE HATEFUL EIGHT had its moments, but felt like a miss.
I, finally, saw TRAINWRECK and thoroughly enjoyed it.
SICARIO was whatever-o. Gun porn for people who like gun porn.
BROOKYLN was the tits.
Oh, and we finally got around to seeing WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS and that should be watched by anyone and everyone who thinks they have a sense of humor. If you don’t think it’s funny then you don’t have a sense of humor and you don’t have to worry about getting one ever again.
Maybe I’ll do a movies from 2015 post. Who the fuck knows. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD was the best movie that came out last year by far. Anyway… FOOTBALL!!!!
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5.5 – Right off the bat, I say that’s too many wins for the Jaguars… And I was right because the Jags had 5 wins, but the Jags did look like a much better football team this year than last year. Honestly, they could be on to something for the first time in years. At the same time, I feel like while their division had a rough year this year, I’d be surprised if their division isn’t difficult next year.
TENNESSEE TITANS – 5.5 – More. I’d go higher on this… I was wrong. Titans won 3 games. Yikes. They fired their GM and have kept their coach thus far, their second coach because they fired the first one only a few games into the season. Seemingly, they do have a quarterback in place with Marriota and that sometime is the hardest position to nail down. I’d be surprised if they were that bad again next year, but I guess someone has to be, right?
OAKLAND RAIDERS – 6 – That’s kind of where I’m expecting them to be at, so I would go more than less… And I was right, Raiders nabbed 7 wins. They are a team that could be on the rise. Still a losing season and it’s like their 12th losing season in a row or something crazy, but they have a lot of talent and a solid coach. They did lose “The Immortal” Charles Woodson at the end of this year, but it seems like they are a team with a lot of building blocks in place and now they just need to really learn how to work together for 60 minutes.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 6 – Less. I don’t think rapist Jameis Winston is getting 6 wins this year… Well, the rapist got exactly 6 wins this year. Fuck him. Fuck that team for employing him. I hope they go 0-16 next year.
CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6.5 – Less. They suck. Seriously? You think I’m going to bet the Browns win 7 fucking games? That’s fucking crazy pants… That’s another right one for ole’ Jor-done over here. The Browns fucking sucked this year and only managed 3 wins. They fired their coach, their GM, and they’re still allowing Johnny Manziel to make a mockery of their already shitty franchise.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 6.5 – I’d say less. This team is so different than the team it was last year or even more so two years ago that they shouldn’t even be legally cool to call themselves the San Francisco 49ers… Boom! I was right on that one too. 49ers nabbed 5 measly wins and fired their coach and blamed him because their acting owner is a spoiled brat named Jed York and it’s the second head coach in two years he’s fired and treated like shit and both of them were named Jim. Fuck the 49ers. They need to rearrange their team’s culture before I start thinking positive thoughts about them again. Also, I hope “Prince of Persia” Colin Kaepernick ends up on a team that appreciates him.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 – Are you fucking nuts? Man, what has Sportsbook.ag been smoking? Crack, I suppose. Or meth… I was dead wrong about this one. The Washington racist names won 9 games this year on the back of Kirk Cousins. I don’t really know if you can put a whole lot of stock into that as the NFC East was absolutely terrible this year and the Cowboys outright collapsed without Tony Romo. Nevertheless, the Washington racist names were the most competent of the bunch and I didn’t expect that.
CHICAGO BEARS – 7 – I’d say less. I don’t have faith in the Chicago Bears at all… What a weird and ultimately bad season for the Bears. I was right and they nabbed 6 wins, but there was a moment after they beat the Green Bay Packers early in the season that people got fucking high on crack cocaine and thought the Bears were going to do something and then like a week later they collapsed and were not seen nor heard from since. They should blow up that franchise because whatever is in place is only getting them a few wins and that’s been the case for the past few years.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 – 8 wins? You know what – I’d say take it… I wouldn’t have guessed 11 wins, but I thought more than 8. Vikings won their division for the first time in a dog’s age and they looked good doing it too. Their defense is formiddable and their offense can be wily and explosive. Maybe one day Teddy Bridgewater will flesh out into a full threat of a QB, but right now he’s serviceable and the rest of the team is playing solid. It’s a young team with seemingly a good defensive minded coach in Mike Zimmer and they’re going to be waltzing into their own bodacious billion bajillion dollar new stadium next year. It’s a good day to be a Vikes fan.
NEW YORK JETS – 7.5 – Nope. Man what the fuck, Sportsbook.Ag?! I don’t know who I’m angrier with – Kim Davis or Sportsbook.Ag?!!??!?! … I was wrong about that. The J-E-T-S scored 10 big wins and still missed the playoffs. I’d be sad if I were a Jets fans that they obviously just imploded in that 4th quarter with Fitzpatrick throwing 3 INTS, but, man, what a good season for them. 10 wins is a good amount of wins and this was their most productive offense in the team’s history. Seriously, they were throwing the ball like people who knew how to throw the ball and that has NEVER happened for the Jets. Brandon Marshall had an incredible year! Knowing the Jets, there are going to be tons of contract negotiations needed this offseason, but barring them fucking that up – which they could – I think the Jets had the best first post-Rex season that none of those idiot Jets fans could have expected. I feel like Jets fans are not appreciative of what they got this year as for whatever reason they became so lusty after Rex, but Todd Bowles produced a team that won like an actual football team instead of needing weird tricks and lucky shit to happen like Rex needed for most of his wins.
ST. LOUIS RAMS – 8 – That’s around where I might put them… The Rams got 7 wins, but I think I thought they would maybe get 9 even though I didn’t outright say if I would take the over or the under, but I was wrong. The Rams are a weird bunch. They’ve got almost nothing in place outside of having arguably the best functioning running back in the league this season (Le’Veon Bell was hurt for almost the whole season). Outside of that, the Rams are kind of floundering and now they’re trying to move to Los Angeles. So far, the Raiders, the Rams, and the Chargers have applied to move to Los Angeles. At first, I was against all this, but now… fuck it. Let’s have three fucking teams in Los Angeles. Fuck St. Louis, fuck San Diego, fuck common sense. Whatever. Fuck Jeff Fisher (head coach of the Rams) for being some squirrely fuck who kept his QB Case Keenum in the game even though he clearly had been KOed on the field and fuck Fisher for probably bribing all the doctors and so forth to not say a damn word about a guy clearly unconscious on the field and never taking him out of the game.
ARIZONA CARDINALS – 8.5 – I’d like to pick over… Yeah, way over. The Cardinals got 13 wins this year and looked baller doing it. Of course, they lost to the Steelers and got the shit kicked out of them in the final game of the season by their rival Seahawks, but outside of that the Cardinals looked damn good this year. Carson Palmer is lighting it up with a solid slate of wide receivers, their D is playing well as expected, and really the only thing holding them back is injuries. They lost the “Honey Badger” and every one of their 35 running backs this year has gotten injured. They’re a great ball club and you should probably expect to see them in the NFC Championship game this year in a couple weeks.
ATLANTA FALCONS – 8.5 – Less. I can’t picture them getting 9 wins… I was right. The Falcons got 8 wins and I think they were lucky getting that many. They started the season strong and then took a nose dive and never recovered from it until they beat the Panthers, which sucked. Fuck you, Atlanta, for that. I don’t expect any “major” changes this offseason, but they need to figure some shit out. They had a ton of offensive production especially early on, but they couldn’t win football games. I feel like they’ll be better next year like they were better this year than last year.
BUFFALO BILLS – 8.5 – I don’t know… I couldn’t have gotten this one right because I never gave an answer, but the Bills ended up with 8 wins. They had good moments and bad moments as was expected. They beat the Jets to help the Steelers get into the playoffs, so God bless that foot fetish weirdo Rex Ryan for that. Of course, Rex is going to lose his defensive end Mario Williams most likely this offseason because the two of them don’t get along apparently, but what can you do. We’ll see if Rex mucks up next year. He’s got some solid stuff in place on offense and defense. They’re a team on the bubble.
CAROLINA PANTHERS – 8.5 – If it wasn’t for Kelvin Benjamin going down with a torn ACL, I’d pick more wins in a heartbeat. I guess I’m still going to pick more wins… FUCK YEAH! A LOT MORE WINS! FIFTEEN OF THEM! WOOOOOO!!! And that’s with them not having Kelvin Benjamin too. Cam Newton is hands down the MVP of the 2015 season as he spear-headed a 15-1 season and spent the second half of the season scoring fucking touchdowns like it ain’t no thang. Scoring touchdowns with a rag tag receiving team of guys who had been dropped by other teams. I never thought I’d see the day that Ted Ginn Jr. would look like an actual receiving threat and Cam made that happen this year. Honestly, if Ginn could ever learn how to consistently catch a fucking football, half of those wins would have been 100x easier. That’s all without talking about their unbelievable defense and just a phenomenal cast of characters you want to root for like Thomas Davis Senior and Luke Kuechly and, of fucking course, Josh Norman having the breakout year of breakout years. Absolutely, love these Panthers.
CINCINATTI BENGALS – 8.5 – Less… Fuck the Bengals. Fuck them. I was wrong. They had 12 wins. Who cares. Fuck them.
DETROIT LIONS – 8.5 – I’m saying less… I was right. They had 7. Also, fuck the Lions. I was rooting against the Lions all year because I was at a wedding in Maryland at the start of the season and some goofus named Rence or Rents or whatever the fuck – GET A REAL NAME! – was at this wedding and he heard me talking to someone else about football, so he joined the conversation and he was the fucking WORST and he was a Detroit Lions fan, so fuck the Detroit Lions. And I was already like fuck this guy with a spiked dildo, but then Danielle’s like, ‘he hooked up with my friend ____’ and I’m like what?!?!?! And it’s not even like Danielle’s got any non-cute-physically, non-cute-personality friends that she could have named that I would have been happy to hear hooked up with Rents or Rence or whatever the fuck. Ugh. Rents or Rence or whatever the fuck actually said that Tom Brady isn’t a top 10 quarterback. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. If someone said, ‘Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL.’ I’d say, ‘Yep.’ If someone said, ‘Tom Brady is tied with Peyton Manning as the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL.’ I’d say, ‘Yep.’ If somebody said anything else then I’d think they’re fucking lying to me and themselves. I hate the Patriots and everything, but do you fucking watch football?!!? It’s fucking Tom ‘Terrific’ Brady, he’s the best.
HOUSTON TEXANS – 8.5 – I’d like to say more… I did it again! Just barely though. 9 wins for the Texans as they shat out the first half of the season and then got their act together in the second half of the season. They’re an odd ball club and at some fucking point they will need to answer the QB question, but right now, they’re in the playoffs and they have a chance at beating the Chiefs in Houston.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 8.5 – I wouldn’t put money it… I was wrong on this one. BOOM! ELEVEN WINS! The Chiefs are the strangest team. They are the definition of taking it one game at a time. They’re coached by a series of 90 some odd year old men and have a stout defense and an offense that just kind of gets it done when it has to. They’ve won the first game of the season then lost the next five then won the next 10. Fucking 10 straight wins?! It’s pretty nutso. They’re not a team to take lightly and they don’t see intimidated by anyone. The Texans and Chiefs may not be the flashiest game of this coming weekend, but it’s going to be a good one.
NEW YORK GIANTS – 8.5 – Almost by default would I say that the Giants are going to get 9 wins because I think the Redskins will suck and I think the Cowboys will not be good… Nope. 6 wins for the G-Men and mighty Tom Coughlin has finally stepped down. Who knows where they go from here. They are a strange team that needs a lot of help almost everywhere and they will be entering the unknown next season. They are a team that deals in the extreme and we’ll see how they try to ride this wave of needing to fix a sporadic defense, a lackluster offensive line, and an almost non-existent run game… all with a new head coach for the first time in over a decade.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 8.5 – More. I’m shocked that this isn’t more difficult… I was right, my bias was right – 10 wins for the Steelers. I know I’m a fan, but seriously they should have more wins than that. They should have won both of those shitty games against the Ravens and they should have won a few others in there. They have the capability to be an excellent offense, but they like to fuck up. Their defense has pieces, but overall that secondary is atrocious and those guys are just not dependable enough. Especially, since for whatever reason, the Steelers love handicapping themselves at beginning of games. Ben likes to fuck up, their D likes to fuck up, and then they’re playing from behind. They’re a dangerous team, but sometimes they don’t show up. I think they have the ability to beat any team out there and for the most part they’ve proven that. Could/should have beaten the Pats at full strength the first game of the season, let the Seahawks come back against them, they beat the Broncos, they beat the Cardinals, they beat the Bengals and should have beat them the first time too. The Steelers can be great. Let’s see if they allow themselves to do it.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 8.5 – I’d say less… Yikes, I was right and it was really right. The Chargers only got 4 wins this season and they’ll probably end up in LA next season. I expect a lot of changes between this season and the next for the Chargers. Rivers has said he doesn’t want to play in LA, they’re seemingly done with Eric Weddle, how many more seasons is Antonio Gates going to keep playing… who knows. Bad season for them.
MIAMI DOLPHINS – 9 – I’d say around that and I’d say more. I’d say 10 wins is doable for the Dolphins… Oof. I was wrong about this. Six wins for the Dolphins. Not a good season. It ended on a high note beating the Patriots and Tom Brady, but they lost their coach, their QB’s reputation was dragged through the mud on a few occasions, and really no future is set for them. Plus, they have the shittiest ad campaign around the team #StrongerTogether. Ugh.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 – If it wasn’t for the fact that they get to play the Falcons and Bucs twice a year… but I don’t know. Isn’t this team done, yet?… They might be done. Only 7 wins for the Saints. Everyone thinks that Sean Payton and Drew Brees are at the end of their rope in New Orleans except for them. Their defense still sucks. Their offense isn’t as credible. And the team just seems leaky.
BALTIMORE RAVENS – 9.5 – 10 is a big number. I’d say more… Wrong! Huge weird collapse from the Ravens this year. They barely won 5 games and motherfucking 2 of them were against the Steelers. Unreal. Anyway, the Ravens sucked a bag of AIDS dicks this season and lord only knows what will happen to them next season. I can’t imagine they’ll be that bad next season, but what the fuck do I know.
DALLAS COWBOYS – 9.5 – Less… Yep. I don’t like the Cowboys in general. I couldn’t have guessed that Romo would go down and basically never show up again, but that happened. The team got 4 wins and for whatever reason they’re cool with that. With all the stomping and hoo-hahing from other teams, the Cowboys only got 4 wins and they’re pretty quiet about it all. Lord knows Romo will be back and supposedly their coach Jason Garrett too. I still don’t think they’re that good of a team with Romo in there, but whatevs.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 9.5 – Someone has to win the games in this division, right? I don’t think I’m comfortable betting 10 games won by the Eagles. I think I would say they’re going to win the division, but that may be at 9-7… I was wrong. They 7 wins and furiously fired their head coach with one game left in the season. The way people acted about the Eagles you would’ve thought they went 1-15 after winning the super bowl the year earlier. Anyway, they’ve got a very weird team and it’s going to be a weird season for them next year.
DENVER BRONCOS – 10.5 – Yeah, why not. It’s still fucking Peyton… 12 wins and it is still Peyton, but it was Brock Osweiler too. Couldn’t have guessed that one at all. The Broncos are a good football club with talent everywhere and they rightfully got a shit ton of wins. Peyton came back strong in the final game of the season and they seem to have some momentum with a bye week heading into the playoffs. Not an easy team to tangle with.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 10.5 – Yep. Of course. Why wouldn’t they get 11 wins this year? They’ve got no reason, absolutely no reason to not get 11 wins this year. The Colts should be a 13-3 or 14-2 team this year, so if they’re not then they suck and fuck Luck if he doesn’t get 13 wins this year. C’mon, neck beard, show us what you got… They got 8 wins and I think I said everything I could have said in my prediction. It’s amazing they even had 8 wins. They looked like trash most of the season.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 10.5 – Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Of course, 11 wins. Of fucking course, 11 wins… Yep. 12 wins. Of course, they got 12 wins. And somehow lost to the Eagles and Dolphins. Seriously? What in the hell was that?!
GREEN BAY PACKERS – 11 – 12 wins? I don’t know about that… 10 wins, so they didn’t get over 11, but I didn’t really say for sure my thoughts, but I did say as you can see that I wasn’t confident in 12 wins. The Packers had an odd season trying to find themselves. They’re still not an easy team to beat, but they are certainly beatable. Their offense and defense are not fully dependable. The best thing ever though was the Packers beating the Lions via a last second Hail Mary because that was rad and fuck Rents or Rence or whatever fuck. I hope he cried like the man-baby he is/was.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 11 – Yep. Of course. Should’ve won the GOT DAMN Super Bowl, but they didn’t and they’re still a fucking menace as a football team… Well, they got 10 wins. The Seahawks were a team that was consistently better than their record had us believe and in the end got 10 wins and a berth in the playoffs. They finished the season strong by eviscerating the Cardinals and now will head to Minnesota. Honestly, I think they should be the favorite in that game. Russell Wilson has been playing like a damn mad man this past month and their defense has been showing up. I know the Vikings got 11 wins and blah blah blah, but I would be more surprised to see the Vikes win than the Seahawks.
So, in reality, I got more right than wrong on that list, but whatever – I’m self-deprecating.
As for the playoffs this weekend…
I’m saying the Steelers beat the Bengals and the Chiefs beat the Texans, and the Seahawks beat the Vikings and the Packers and Skins die in an alien invasion. I don’t know. Am I really going to pick the Washingtonians? I don’t know. I think the Packers take that one.
I love you! Happy new year!
December 22, 2015
Helloooooooooo!!! I love you!
There will be spoilers in here, so do whatever it is that you do with that. There will also be jokes and curses and probably weird sexual stuff thrown in there and all the usual stuff you get from me. I liked the movie as the title suggests.
As luck would fucking have it, my excellent wife and I saw STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS on Thursday night. I know! Actually, I wrote most of this post on Friday morning, but thought I’d hold off on giving my thoughts a few days, so the world could see it and digest it by reading ONE BILLION other people’s thoughts about the damn movie – which are almost all the same thoughts anyway. *even nerdier voice than you’re already reading this in* I think Rey’s Luke’s daughter. … YEAH, WE ALL KIND OF FUCKING THINK THAT!!! Anyway…
After living on this planet for 31 years, Danielle saw the STAR WARS OG Trilogy just a month ago. And she enjoyed them. And she didn’t have to wait 30 years to see a proper sequel to them and instead only had to wait a fucking month and didn’t have to go through all depression and hate that came from waiting for 10 plus years and then getting the prequels. Ain’t that some shit?
Yes, after 4 years of dating and owning a dog together and buying a house together and a year long engagement and MARRIAGE and then a month of marriage…
DANIELLE aka MY WIFE SAW STAR WARS!!
I’m mentioning this because it is amazing and I’m mentioning it because I think going through that experience with her and then me going back and watching Mr. Plinkett from Red Letter Media absolutely disembowel the prequels in his famous multi-hour absurdist and hilarious review of them (which starts here… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI), I believe I was in the exact right state of mind to enjoy THE FORCE AWAKENS.
I had reinvigorated my love for Star Wars once again and I had reinvigorated my hate for the prequels. And I was both optimistic and scared about how the movie would turn out. I was optimistic that J.J. Abrams was making this movie as a means to reset Star Wars back to where we left it and not whatever Lucas was up to with the prequels proving he could make an entirely CGI madness movie extravaganza from his living room.
So, yeah, we saw it! We saw it in a movie theater that featured a 400 pound man wearing a New York Giants hoodie who was drinking the biggest ICEE I’ve ever seen and he was… VAPING! WOOOOOO!!! That man don’t give a fuck.
I LIKED THE MOVIE!!!
I really liked. I didn’t love it, but I don’t think that was expected. In a way, it’s not “original” enough to be loved because I think it really was Abrams’ attempt to get the franchise back to where it was when RETURN OF THE JEDI ended and where we all were before the prequels happened. The prequels were so different and so bad that this movie’s goal was to get us back to sameness and that’s perfectly fine by me.
As about a million Buzzfeed and the like websites are pointing out all the similarities between A NEW HOPE and THE FORCE AWAKENS and it’s like yeah. It was purposefully done that way. The movie was trying to get us back to center. We had gone so far into the negative from the prequels and the story had gone in such a different direction with things like midichlorians and Yoda with a lightsaber and about a thousand other things that seemed to be aimed at undoing all the goodness and magic from the originals that we need something to bring us back to center and that’s what THE FORCE AWAKENS does and I think it did a great job at it.
Instead of really going through the plot or what have you… I want to hit on some characters or specific scenes that I would like the following movies to expand on or maybe it’s something I didn’t like or whatever. I’ve got some shit to say. These are the things that have been kind of gnawing at me, but overall I liked the movie a lot and I would highly recommend any and all to see it whether you’re a Star Wars fan or not – it’s a solid adventure film.
I BET NATALIE PORTMAN IS ALL LIKE “I COULD’VE DONE THAT!!!”
Finally, we have a great female lead again in the Star Wars universe. The original trilogy had a great female lead, one of the best female leads in Princess Leia. Then the prequels royally fucked up the whole female character thing – it wasn’t sexist because they royally fucked up every fucking thing that happened – and gave us a boring and impotent Padme. It wasn’t Natalie’s fault by a long shot though, she was just doing what the movie asked her to do and that movie was a shitty movie. I mean the great and gorgeous Natalie Portman easily could have played the role of Rey if Rey was the character for her to play back in the late 90’s.
Daisy Ridley did great though. I thought she was captivating and emoted well and goofed around well and blah blah blah. She was a lot more physical than Leia because she was a lot more like Luke. And that’s because she’s the female Luke. Not another female Leia. The similarities are abound and I enjoyed it all quite a bit. In the end, a chick jedi as the lead is exactly the type of stuff this new trilogy needs.
I don’t have any gripes with Rey. I do want to throw out more the idea that the flawless Natalie Portman is sitting in some chateau in France and watching some DVD screener of THE FORCE AWAKENS and she’s just like, “I won a fucking Oscar. I was nominated for another Oscar. I could have fucking filmed a lightsaber fight. I could have used the force. Instead, I sat on couches and delivered the shittiest dialogue and in the most boring movies and in the end was killed and I never did anything expect be barefoot and pregnant.”
So, yeah, I think just like most think that Rey is Luke’s daughter. Some say, she’s Luke’s niece like Kylo Ren is Luke’s nephew. Well… sure, I guess that could work too, but the similarities that they are shoving down our throat between Luke and Rey are so numerous that she has to be his daughter. And I like that. My only concern, are we going to get some fucking force users who are not Skywalkers?
Whether it is the original trilogy or the prequels, we do see other people who are not related to the Skywalkers that can use the force. We got Yoda for one. Emperor Palpatine and Obi-Wan for two and three. And if we’re throwing those prequels in, well there are apparently hundreds of force users out there. Of course, the prequels fucked that up, but that is something I want to get into in this new trilogy. They are already showing us that hand with Snoke who I’m guessing has force abilities and there are the rest of the bros that Kylo Ren trained with under Luke that Kylo Ren seemingly killed off — those guys had to come from somewhere.
An idea, let’s get Rey on a Magneto/Professor X like mission or a Harry/Ron/Hermoine where she goes around the universe collecting up the force users. Flipside, the bad guys are trying to do the same thing. In the end, I don’t know… maybe the force users all work as one and can shield the planet from an attack or the space ships or something like wizards trying to shield Hogwarts or Neo using his force like powers to electrocute the Matrix baddies on their flight to the core. I’d like force users to actually do something together and use the force and not just die in a cgi battle with lightsabers.
It’s an idea. Sure, the “jedi” are dead, but people are born everyday in the Star Wars universe with force abilities, so let’s get on that shit.
THE FORCE SHOULD BE A BURDEN!!!
This is something that I’ve thought for awhile and I feel like Abrams may be tickling at in this movie, but I would like them to delve into how dangerous it is to have force abilities. It should be a mix between Spider-man’s “with great power becomes great responsibility” and Lord of the Ring’s “PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!”
Being a superhero shouldn’t be seen as easy and in most stories it isn’t. In Star Wars, they say time and time again that the Dark Side is seductive. He was seduced by the Dark Side. I would like them to really push into that. The idea that it is easy to be seduced by the Dark Side because you have super human abilities that generally speaking are super human fighting abilities and when you are in a war and you’re fighting someone and you’re using your anger and hate mixed with your super human abilities – you’re unstoppable. You’re the best solider anyone could ask for, and with that you start to fall deeper into that trap because as you revel in your power – you become evil.
That’s what I want. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. You get a taste for it and it’s so easy to allow that taste to grow. And as your thoughts grow darker and your obsession with using your power grows then eventually you find yourself dressed in black, killing your loved ones, and leading a Neo Nazi army to take control of the universe.
The above paragraph is more or less the storyline of the manga CLAYMORE. Women with giant swords hunt people-eating werewolves. These women have the werewolf power inside of them too to help combat those werewolves. Problem is, if they use the power too much then they’ll become a people-eater monster that is a million times worse than any one of those werewolves by themselves. They need to use the power to win, but they need to make sure not to use it enough. Ultimately, they find out that at some point they are going to use the power too much and it’s just a matter of time til they become one of those terrifying monsters. And the story goes from there, but I love Claymore and I love that story.
To be on the side of the light should be a constant struggle because ultimately the force by default will draw you to the dark side. To stay on the lightside, one must meditate, be emotionless, calm, defend and not attack, and basically limit yourself all the time. Maybe the idea is that Yoda was on the otherside of the galaxy in some swamp because he wanted to live as a Buddhist monk in solitude because he wanted to eliminate the temptation of the darkside as much as possible and that meant meditating in a tree fort instead of being apart of some war, which could bring out his darkside.
That’s something I hope they get into and I think they kind of are hinting at that with Rey going all calm-mode at the end of THE FORCE AWAKENS instead of getting angrier or more desperate during the fight with Kylo Ren. As well as, I think Kylo Ren hinted at this as he seems to need to pump himself up a bunch about hate and being angry, and even talks to Vader’s helmet about feeling tempted by the light and needing to stay angry at everyone – even the helmet in general I think is like a INCEPTION like totem that keeps him on track like yeah I need to keep hating and being angry and so forth. … which brings me to…
KYLO REN SHOULD’VE HAD MORE LINES!!!
I really liked Kylo Ren. I liked this idea of seeing a slightly molded piece of clay who is more along the lines of the Anakin Skywalker we should have seen in the prequels. He’s been trained some, but he’s not fully functional and with that – sure, there are mistakes. But he’s powerful and his goals may be more his own than about the Empire/First Order’s. I liked all that. I liked his look with or without the helmet and I think Adam Driver did a great job with the character. My problems and/or what I would have liked…
KYLO SHOULD’VE LITERALLY TOUCHED REY.
Not like fingerblasted his cousin, although with all the hinted incest in these movies, but that’s not what I meant. When Kylo had Rey strapped to that interrogation slab, I desperately wanted a physical touch between Kylo and Rey for a variety of reasons. I think it would have added to the terrifyingness of human contact when one doesn’t want it, which is usually what happens in those types of situations and, at the same time, the idea that they could be family means that the human contact needed to be there almost even more. Plus, characters should touch each other. They make such a big deal about the good touch that Rey had like the hug with Finn or the kiss she gave Finn’s forehead, so there should have been a bad touch there with Kylo. Also, it’s the storyline that her powers are awakening and her powers get awakened when she senses and then touches Luke’s lightsaber. I wanted that same thing with Kylo. One could say, that the interaction with them in general is what was awakening her powers and it was, but I wanted just a simple touch to really solidify that connection and to truly bring those characters together in a moment on both the physical and mental level the way they are in the final clash. It is pretty much there, but just him touching her face or whatever could have also shown that he’s still human. He shows her his face, which he doesn’t need to, but he does. And then he feels compelled to touch her like he couldn’t help himself like he’s still seeking human contact. I would’ve have liked that moment.
KYLO SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE TO SAY.
There’s the idea that Benecio Del Toro cut out like 70% of his dialogue in SICARIO and did something similar in THE WAY OF THE GUN becomes he thought his character would be more menacing and mysterious if he didn’t say nearly as much as the writer had originally intended. Sure. That works for Benecio Del Toro, but it’s not something that works across the board. For me, I think Kylo should have had more to say because I want him to literally enunciate the inner struggle and the anger and his feelings as to why he is doing all of this.
I’m not saying like soliloquies or really any additional scenes, but just some more dialogue when he was silent in the movie. I have two examples and they’re both at the end of the movie.
- When Kylo is looking for Han in that room and then suddenly decides to walk down that long bridge that happens to be there and then Han follows him out there… It may have seemed obvious that Kylo did that on purpose knowing he could draw his dad out of the shadows like that, but Kylo should have said that. Just a quick line saying that. Nothing more. It’s not just about spelling things out, but it’s giving the characters credit for making sensible moves with motives and not just random shit like walking onto a bridge that just so happens to be in this place.
- More importantly, I would have liked Kylo to have been yelling/talking throughout the final clash with Finn and Rey. I really liked the stuff with Kylo beating his side with his fist and showing the blood splatter on the snow from his blaster wound. So many people focus on the idea that Rey was all of a sudden so good with the lightsaber and they seem to have quickly forgotten that Kylo was injured and bleeding from a shot from a blaster (which almost always kills people in these movies) to the gut moments earlier. For Finn, I wanted Kylo to be yelling at Finn about what insolence he is paying Kylo by even attempting to fight him with a lightsaber. How Finn is nothing to him. He’s toying with him. How Finn isn’t capable of defeating him. How he isn’t even fit to wield the weapon that only the truly powerful and worthy should. It would continue the idea that he is keeping his anger up, show how touchy the subject of jedi/force/lightsabers and all, and how he has a perverse obsession with jedi history. And I feel like against Rey it could have been similar where he’s yelling at her about how he’s dedicated his life to this and sacrificed and then she just fucking shows up and she has no respect for the power she has. It could be three or four line of dialogue in each of those duels, but I think they would have made his character much more colorful and his plight much more clear and terrifying and desperate.
At least, that’s how I view Kylo Ren’s character. I don’t know what they’re going to do with him, but that’s part of the motivation I feel like he should have.
A FEMALE STORMTROOPER?! HOW COO- … oh wait, she’s a coward.
There was a lot of excitement and fanfare over Brienne of Tarth being brought on as the first female Stormtrooper. GOT’s Gwendoline Christie was going to be the first ever female Stormtrooper and her name would be CAPTAIN PHASMA and she had badass new slick chrome armor. People were fucking ecstatic over this.
My expectations were Captain Phasma was going to be the Star Wars’ Imperator Furiosa.
Wouldn’t that have been something? Like literally something. Like anything. Because what we got from Captain Phasma was nothing. People like to pick at these movies that they’re just in existence to sell toys. As for The Force Awakens, the toy one can ridicule is the pointlessness of Captain Phasma.
Finally, a female stormtrooper. And it’s in the movie that is giving us the first female Jedi, seemingly, and we do absolutely nothing with her. My question is why? Why is she in the movie? Why does she not do more in the movie or just not exist at all? I think either scenario would have been preferable than to what we got. I’ll assume there was more to her character and they cut it and rumors are circling that she’s to be in the next movie, but I didn’t need “additional” scenes – I just need Phasma in the scenes we have or just not in any at all.
First scenario… MORE PHASMA! The absolute obvious would be that when Finn fights the Stormtrooper with the electric police baton that it’s Phasma fighting Finn and not just another random ass Stormtrooper. This would have worked on so many levels!
- When the stormtrooper spots Finn on sight and is clearly angered by him and doesn’t just shoot at him and instead wants to put a beating on him with this electric night stick and seemingly capture him to then torture him or reprogram him or whatever – wouldn’t that have made sense if it was Phasma and not just some rando? Wouldn’t Phasma who has seen his face, has spoken to him, has castigated him, and does believe in the process of attitude adjustments have been the perfect person to have thrown a blaster aside to fight to subdue and capture?
- The electric night stick was cool I guess, but, again, wouldn’t it have been cooler and made more sense in the hands of Phasma? She’s got the different suit, gender, and is named CAPTAIN PHASMA. She should have a nifty weapon we’ve never seen before. Instead, she isn’t shown using a weapon at all.
- If you’re going to go through the trouble of having a Captain Phasma and you’re going to go through the trouble of having a Stormtrooper do some cool fighting (instead of the norm of getting blown to bits by aimless blaster fire) then why the fuck wasn’t that Phasma?
- Finn loses the fight, but gets away. Later, Finn gets ‘revenge’ on Phasma by getting her to drop the shields. It would have been actual revenge or at least satisfying if it was Phasma who beat Finn in that fight. Instead, we’re getting revenge on Phasma because she told Finn to put his helmet back on, which is about the only thing she appears to do in the movie besides wear that slick armor.
The flip-side is no Phasma, which I think would have made more sense too.
- Finn takes off his helmet. A regular run-of-the-mill stormtrooper sees this and tells Finn to put his helmet back on and that he should go back to reconditioning if he’s having problems. Why is this better than Phasma? Because Finn doesn’t do it. Finn disobeys. It’s not a big deal of Finn disobeys some schmuck stormtrooper. Even better, it’s not like some schmuck stormtrooper would like follow Finn to get reconditioned or check-on whether or not he did it. Some schmuck stormtrooper would say something then get back to what he was ordered to do and that’s it and then Finn can go along his merry way of disobeying and not possibly being followed. Phasma saying to him to go do something and then her just blindly assuming he did it seems unlikely because a CAPTAIN would make sure shit got done, right?
- Finn, Han, Chewie jump one or two people in the uniforms who work in the shield generator control room and they force them to power down the shields. Seems likely. Seems less likely that they could do that so easily to CAPTAIN PHASMA. There are hundreds if not thousands of men (and now women) walking around the Starkiller base who are just in uniforms and seem to operate control panels and shit all over the base. They take some meek officer(s) who has zero combat training and scare the shit out of them with Chewbacca and force them to power down the shields or Chewie will rip their arms off (reference to A NEW HOPE, right?). Instead, in a gigantic fucking base filled with countless baddies – they fucking dumb luck stumble upon PHASMA and overpower her and get her to do shit with the simplest of ease.
Either have PHASMA be cool and do shit or not have her at all. The in-between is just mystifying.
WHERE’S LUPITA? Oh wait, was that orange lizard Lupita?
People were pretty psyched when they announced that Oscar winning actress Lupita Nyung’o.
But what the hell happened from there?
Well, Lupita was turned into a sassy orange lizard who has sight problems and seems to bus tables at the bar she’s owned for a 1000 years. Well, that sucks. MAZ does pass along some information I suppose and there’s no explanation as to why she has Luke Skywalker’s light saber, but yeah… that’s it. There’s a scene in the trailers where she hands the light saber to Leia, which isn’t in the movie, so we can easily assume that some/much of her character is on the editing room floor. But who cares? Why did they turn her into a CGI orange lizard?
To begin with, Lupita has become a recognizable face and it’s a pretty face. She’s got a pretty body too. I’d hazard a guess her pretty face and her pretty body would not only have looked good along with all the other pretty faces and pretty bodies that were hired to round out this movie, but it sure as hell would have been better to look at than a damn grandma orange lizard with Coke bottle glasses.
Also, I guess there’s a joke to the idea that some bar that’s been around for a 1000 years that Han hurriedly tells us is a whacky place would be run by an old grandma orange lizard with shitty eyes, but wouldn’t it have been better if a sultry woman with obsidian skin ran the place and more or less had all these tricksters and villains wrapped around her finger? I think so.
And why even hire Lupita if she’s going to be some ugly CGI character? She doesn’t have a memorable voice that we all know and have nostalgia for. Shouldn’t an actress who can do character voices have played the part or at least if they’re going the root of seemingly trying to cast a soulful black woman’s voice then how about an older black woman with an older black woman’s voice that could have done justice. I mean I can’t think of anyone that deserves to be represented as an ugly orange lizard, but get an impressive voice behind it and have Lupita play an X-wing pilot or something instead of fat Greg Grunberg (sorry, Greg Grunberg).
Not to mention, that the J.J. Abrams was really patting himself on the back about all the practical effects they were using in this movie and then when it comes time to have an alien – boom! – shitty orange CGI thing-a-ma-jig. Same goes for Lord Snoke. Maz and Snoke were the two characters that most reminded me of prequels crap and they easily could have been played by actors and they weren’t for whatever fucking reason. I’ll get to Snoke next.
The last thing I’ll say, but they go through all this mess to make a brand spanking new CGI character … and … I hate to say it … but … I mean aging is the worst … but … I mean how could you not make the correlation … and it’s not like Harriso- … Maz looked like Leia. Am I the only one who thought that? They were like the same height, they got a similar old woman look, and it was even worse that they both were interacting with Han Solo. It was creepy and someone should have seen that and not made Maz look anything like Maz.
Take a second and look up “Lupita Nyong’o mohawk”. That’s how Lupita should have fucking looked in this damn movie. They should have just had Lupita with that blonde mohawk and at most then CGI-ed robot legs or arms on her and called it a fucking day. Also, would have made more sense as why Han loved Maz’s so much because he’s a space perv and probably banged Maz.
SNOKE? Fuck Snoke.
I didn’t like Snoke. I didn’t like him mainly because he was a shitty CGI character. Not shitty like CGI characters are all shitty. Most CGI characters are shitty, but I meant shitty like it looked shitty. Snoke looked like bad guys at the end of I AM LEGEND. He wasn’t intimidating or anything. Also, I don’t know what was going on with his head at all or why someone would want to listen to the clearly creepy evil alien man(?) who appears to have holes developing in his face.
If they’re just going to have a guy who is sort of grizzly looking with a ripped up face then why go through all the fucking trouble of putting little dots all over Andy Serkis’ face and then putting that into a computer and then blah blah blah COMPUTERS. I have a quick fucking fix and it’s called make-up and it’s called FREDDY KRUEGER.
Seriously, there have been Freddy movies as long as I’ve been alive and I’ve been slightly terrified of him that whole time too and the sight of him still turns my stomach a bit til this very day. Was that CGI? You want a person with lesions or cuts or holes or whatever going on with their face? Take a Freddy mask and fucking paint it grey or whatever color instead of the red and orange it is now. I mean a grey skinned Freddy Krueger wearing a black cloak and known to have Jedi powers is fucking scary shit and would be a fuck ton better than dumbass Snoke. Fuck you, computers!
I’m sorry, computers! I love you! It’s not your fault they made you make these characters!
ENOUGH WITH FUCKING DEATH STARS?
If I’ve learned anything from watching Star Wars movies, the first step to becoming a true galactic empire is to build a giant circle that blows up other circles. Of course, the second step is OH FUCK! THEY BLEW IT UP! AGAIN?! THIS IS THE THIRD FUCKING TIME NOW!!!! DAMN IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THOSE CIRCLES THAT BLOW UP OTHER CIRCLES ARE?!!!!
I know that The Force Awakens is more or less just getting us back to square one again in the Star Wars universe – and I’m cool with that – but if I see another fucking Death Star again I’m going to fucking lose it. It’s not compelling or interesting or dramatic in the least bit. We’ve seen two of them bite it and seeing it happen a third time is just stupid. The first time you see Tony Hawk pull off a 960 on a half-pipe, it’s bonkers. The second time, it’s like he’s proving how good he actually is by accomplishing the impossible not by accident, but by practice. The third time? Go fuck yourself, Tony. Go learn a new fucking trick and by trick I mean not stealing your best friend’s wife, which you may have done more times than the damn 960 at this point (Google that shit!).
I want a new bad guy plan.
I want a new bad guy plan, so desperately. I want a plan that doesn’t simply involve building an enormous central cannon hidden on or in an orb. The next movie(s) better not fucking talk about Death Stars ever again. If anything, there should be a moment where someone says that they should build another Death Star and someone else freaks out and is like WHY?! SO THEY CAN BLOW IT UP AGAIN!?!?!?! And fucking just lose it on that guy.
Those are my main thoughts about THE FORCE AWAKENS.
Sure, I have some more like how the tone of the movies is all over the fucking place and maybe one day they’ll figure that out, but they probably won’t. It’s got slapstick and cute robots one second, killing dad with a laser sword through the heart the next second. It’s all over the place, but whatever.
Thanks for reading this. I love you.
December 16, 2015
Hello everyone! I love you and you’re intoxicating!
And, NO!, I am not intoxicated! … Actually, I could be. It really depends on when you’re reading this. Literally, this second as I’m typing these words I am not drunk or sniffing magic markers, but you are not reading this as I type this. Honestly, there’s like a 50/50 shot that I’ve been hitting the Canadian cough syrup or Scottish ‘water of life’ pretty good, but as the words are flowing out of my fingertips – they’re sober ones.
Also, of-fucking-course, you would smell the shit out of magic markers. They’re MAGIC! Why did we even call them that? Not we. They! Of course, they would call them MAGIC markers to get us to by them and then to smell them and give our kindergarten version of ourselves a brief moment of levity in the truly cumbersome world of being a 5 year old.
It’s kind of a chicken or the egg scenario with kids eating glue and the magic markers. Like were they already eating glue and they were so bananas off of that stuff that they fiended to find something else for that next bump and found the magic markers? Or were they all doped off the magic marker fix that they started eating the glue? I feel like either is plausible and that kids are absolute creep bombs.
Anyway… what was I talking about?!
You’re sexual deviants in the best way possible and I want to talk about…
Tomorrow/Thursday night and then officially on Friday – the new fucking Star Wars movie comes out – THE FORCE AWAKENS!
And I’m excited for it. I’ll fully admit that I became excited for it. It was bound to happen, but I was passively fighting it for awhile.
Originally, I wasn’t blown away by the whole idea of more Star Wars movies because of two reasons:
- THE PREQUELS SUCKED. They fucking sucked. I know it. You know it. And all those stupid fucking bloggers out there who have been writing clickbait articles for the past few years being like “Here’s 10 reasons why the prequels were actually good” they fucking know it. They really fucking know how bad those movies are that’s why they’re being counter-culture and posting shit that no one is going to agree with to get you clickity clicking on it. You played right into their got-dam hands. IT’S A TRAP! … Get it! That’s a fucking Star Wars reference. A Star Wars reference that is predominantly used on messageboards frequented by straight males who post pictures of a transexual man to woman who looks pretty hot and then some are like I’d bang that chick and the other’s are like IT’S A TRAP I’ve seen that hot chick picture before and it’s really a dude and then they’re all like AHHHHH YOU’RE GAY!!!, and really everyone should just chill out because hot is hot and, secondly, let’s all marvel at how hot some of these men transitioning to become women can get nowadays – that’s like let’s marvel at the complexity and beauty of the Sistine Chapel. We did this! Humanity did this! And yeah, the prequels sucked and I’ll talk about them more later.
- DO I REALLY NEED MORE STAR WARS MOVIES? I feel like that is highly valid question. We’ve got three of them that are amazeballs. Then we got greedy and got three more that I wish someone would just erase from my fucking brain already. So, what’s the point of more? For the most part, it’s just to sell more merchandise because now that Disney owns it – they want to get all that Star Wars cash going their way. I mean people already say that about the original trilogy that it was a cash grab, but luckily we got three excellent movies or more so two excellent sequels after the first movie went gangbusters. So, do we need more?
And that’s where I was at. Obviously, I have no control over whether or not we needed more or whether or not we were going to get more Star Wars movies. So, once they started releasing trailers the question of do we need more became two different questions…
- WILL IT BE ANY GOOD? Serious question. As mentioned, we’ve gone through this before with new Star Wars movies not being any good. Why would this be any different?
- WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF A NEW STAR WARS MOVIE? This will be the main thing that we’ll discuss today. Not to burst your bubble, but I was not smuggled under Lupita Nyong’o’s dress or inside Peter Mayhew’s pants to see the London premiere on Tuesday, so I have not seen the movie. But I have been thinking mightily about what I would like out of this movie.
Let’s talk about the movie in general and hypothesize a bit about the former bullet point up there before we get to the latter…
THE FORCE AWAKENS
It’s directed by J.J. Abrams and is written by a crew of people involving Lawrence Kasdan, Michael Arndt, Abrams, and, maybe, someone else. I can’t remember. And from what the press has said, George Lucas was not involved in the making of this movie.
Ok. Abrams. Well, I like Abrams. I don’t think I would go further than that. He seems like a film director. He’s got the glasses, the hair, the Jewishness, and he does make pretty looking movies or TV shows. But I’m not like bowled over by the dude. The best thing that he’s done that I can point to as a solely him kind of operation is Mission Impossible III and I like that movie quite a bit. I didn’t like either of the Star Trek movies he made and I never watched a minute of Alias. He was one of the original creative forces that made Lost and I loved Lost… still do. I loved the ending as well. Super 8 was ok. I thought the alien at the end was terrible and I think I thought the ending itself was kinda bad, but the movie was good outside of that.
The key thing might be or not be the Star Trek movies. There is a big difference or could be a big difference between the Trek and Wars movies and that’s Abrams is not trying to get you to like a reboot. In some ways, The Force Awakens looks like a reboot with several characters seeming eerily similar to characters from the original trilogy, but at the very least they are not those EXACT characters. In Trek, he’s got the nearly impossible task of trying to convince you that Chris Pine as William Shatner is better than William Shatner as William Shatner. Sure, Pine is better to look at, but it just doesn’t make any sense from the get go that you’re going to allow that to happen in your brain to like Pine as Shatner better than or just as much as all of your nostalgia and previous feelings of Shatner as Shatner.
I didn’t watch Star Trek the TV show. I’ve watched most of the movies and even for me those movies just seem soulless because it’s a bunch of people pretending to be other people who are pretending to be something else. Zach Quinto isn’t playing Spock. Zach Quinto is playing Leonard Nimoy’s Spock for all of eternity whether he likes it or not. It’s hard enough to make a compelling movie, but then to rub it in a person’s face that these people are just replacing the people you’ve already formed a bond with is just absurd.
So, there’s a chance that so much of the failure of the Trek movies – some people like them, but I do not – is that they’re doing the whole reboot bit. They’re looking back so much to pay homage to what’s been done and is holy that they’re tripping over their own feet as they attempt to move forward. That’s possible. That’s entirely possible.
The first Trek movie was so much setup and hand-holding. Pine is Kirk, Quinto is Spock, the white kid who is doing that terrible Russian accent is presumably a character who had a terrible Russian accent on the TV show et cetera. The only thing worthwhile in the first movie was Zoe Saldana in that skintight onesie with a mini-skirt and the prospect of Vulcan and hot Saldana sex. Outside of that, it was a dumb movie.
The second Trek movie had similar problems as they tried to reboot Khan, but like be too clever about it. That sucked. The action scenes were derivative too. There were like 5 sci-fi movies where a spaceship crashed into a city as people fled in the span of a year and that’s really all this movie had going for it. They also toned down Khan so much. The idea that a character looks exactly like a dude, but he’s a bit stronger than a normal dude or a bit faster isn’t all that engaging. The best parts of Trek 2 was Alice Eve in her underwear for no other reason than to show Alice Eve in her underwear and then it was Alice Eve’s absolutely fantastic horror reaction to seeing her father killed in front of her. Spoiler? Who cares. That movie sucked. Eve fucking nailed it in those two short moments of a 2.5 hour movie. Also, Cumberbatch has a moment where he is talking to Quinto and Pine and you can clearly see and hear he’s a better actor than they are in this setting. He sounds like he’s doing King Lear and they sound like they’re doing some shitty Star Trek 2 reboot.
While we’re talking Trek, I didn’t like the new BEYOND trailer. If I end up seeing that movie, it will be way way way down the line. Cannot imagine going out of my way to see it. And I like Justin Lin, but I’m over this Trek reboot.
But this is WARS not TREK. I know. I know.
As for the writers, Kasdan wrote EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and RETURN OF THE JEDI. That’s a good sign for sure. At the same time, who has more say? Disney or the writers? I’m guessing Disney. So, Kasdan could help create the dialogue like he did in EMPIRE and JEDI that is fun and better than A NEW HOPE’s dialogue. And Arndt wrote Little Miss Sunshine. That’s wonderful. And Toy Story 3 and some of Inside Out. Great. I’ll assume that Oblivion isn’t his fault. I’ll just assume that.
That central team seems capable of making a good movie for sure. And they’ve hired a litany of pretty and interesting actors to fill out the cast. Oscar Isaac, Lupita, Gwedoline Christie, Domhnail Gleeson, Adam Driver, John Boyega, and the freshest of fresh faces Daisy Ridley. Great, right? And they’re bringing back Harrison, Mark, and Carrie.
But we all know this already, KAY-SWIDGE-IZZLE!!!!! GET TO IT!!! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!?
Well, I want what I believe was promised with PHANTOM MENACE and more.
Another way of saying that would be, I want a not dumb version of PHANTOM MENACE.
In many ways, this is also what I’m expecting the movie will be. In many ways, I think this is what the movie should be or has to be or whatever. Why? Well, PHANTOM MENACE is like A NEW HOPE, but they fucked it up.
We got a new cast of characters that are both different than the original trilogy while still paying homage to the original trilogies characters. I mean Obi-Wan is still the “same” Obi-Wan, but Ewan’s Obi-Wan is absolutely different than Alec’s Obi-Wan and it’s fine because he’s not supposed to be the same. He’s basically a brand new character. And he’s compelling. A man who is a jedi, but is a young jedi. That’s something we want to see. But the real deal…
DARTH MAUL. They fucking nailed it and fucked it up at the same time. Darth Maul is a guy running 80 yards untouched to a touchdown and then drops the ball before the goal line. Darth Maul was THE new bad guy we all wanted. He was instantly recognizable as a badass and he had two red lightsabers and he just fucking killed it as a bad guy. Or as the idea of a great bad guy. And then they killed him. Poof! All that work for nothing. He was on all the posters, the toys, and is easily the most recognizable thing from that movie and… POOF! He was gone. He had a couple scenes, he talked once, which was stupid and then he died. What the fuck was the point of all that? Darth Maul could have been THE guy. In the first Star Wars we meet Darth Vader and we’re enthralled. What if he died at the end of the movie? Would there even be sequels?
I remember, vividly remember when ATTACK OF THE CLONES was announced or even when we thought it was called CLONE WARS and people truly believed we were going to see an army of Darth Mauls or at least another Darth Maul. Did we? Nope. He was just a guy and they killed him and when the first movie is over, there’s absolutely zero momentum going for it into the next movie. At the end of A NEW HOPE, Vader lives and he’s going to get his shit together with the Emperor and they’re going to come back. You haven’t seen the Emperor and you don’t know who he is, but Vader is force choking people and he can fly a spaceship and he can kill Obi-Wan Kenobi with a lightsaber, so that bad ass motherfucker is going to be back and this time – he’ll be pissed.
That’s what I want. I want a great villain again.
I don’t have any real theories about what’s going to happen in FORCE AWAKENS, but I want a bad guy or multiple bad guys to exist, to be formidable, and to not just up and die. I want the villain(s) to lose, but retreat or survive with a sense that they will be back. I want characters! Characters don’t die with barely a word spoken. Characters have stories and they have epic adventures. That’s what we need.
It seems like Adam Driver is wielding that red light saber this time. It seems like he’s a bad guy. It seems like Gwendoline as Captain Phasma is leading the stormtroopers and that she is bad. I have no idea what happens in the movie or anything, but if they’re investing in these characters to be the big baddies in this movie – then I don’t want them to be fucking dead at the end of it. They can lose, but not die. They could even die, but be brought back to life with mechanical parts. It’s happened before in Star Wars — why waste all the concept art and storyboards and blah blah blah and fucking make a villain that is truly villainous who fucking sticks around. Learn something from Gwendoline’s TV show of Game of Thrones and realize that bad guys are so much worse when they’re still fucking around.
And a hero NEEDS a villain so much more than a villain needs a hero. Villains can be villainous. Always. Until the end of time. Villains just need victims. Heroes, on the other hand, NEED villains to be heroic. A hero needs strife. Don’t waste villains.
That’s the main thing I want — villains who are not scrapped.
Honestly, it makes so fucking little sense to me for them to dispose of villains at the end of this movie wrapping everything up with a neat bow because it’s guaranteed there will be more of these movies made. Why waste everything you made in this movie to only need to start over again in the next one? That was an enormous problem with the prequels and is a problem with many big budget action movies in general.
We went from Darth Maul to Count Dooku (and Jango Fett?) to Sidious and Anakin. Each one had a different villain. Each one had to basically reboot the story to get us into what the hell was going on each time. Plus, how stupid was all that? You got Maul who looked super villainous and did all of his own flips and shit to an old man who waved his hands fighting a green CGI-ed gremlin spinning around to that same atrocious CGI-ed green thingamajig against a CGI-ed guy in a black cloak shooting out CGI-ed lightning from his fingertips plus two white guys going at it in a fight that you pretty much know exactly how it’s going to end. And the Jango Fett thing was hilarious because it wasn’t like we knew anything about Boba Fett outside of the fact that we loved him and they went out of their way to give Boba Fett a backstory that makes him not the guy y0u’re going to get to see more of in the prequels. Why wasn’t Boba Fett just like ageless or part robot or whatever? Instead, Obi-Wan fights Boba’s dad because that made sense to some moron.
Ok, back to the point, a villain or villains.
Also, I don’t want too much fan service.
I know we’re going to get some considering there has to be plus Harrison, Mark, Carrie, and Chewbacca are back. I feel like some of them will die, if not all of them. I don’t think that’s necessary, but I feel like there’s a good chance of that because that’s what they do in movies and TV shows – they think they can’t use a character, so they kill it.
There was fan service in Phantom Menace, but like most things in that movie – it was dumb. Like Anakin making C3P0. That was stupid. Just stupid. Like fucking real stupid.
Also, fan service is really a misnomer. It’s blaming the fan. The writer or director or whomever did the servicing is to blame. If you want to make a new movie and you can’t figure out how to make it fit with the other movies and you just jerryrig it together because you think that will make the fans happy? Nope. You need to just do a better job. Also, fans don’t want the stupid winks and so forth to the old movies because that takes you out of the current movie you’re in.
Please as little “fan service” as possible.
Lastly, don’t force a love interest if there isn’t one.
Say what you will about Tom Cruise, but two of his latest movies I loved and they didn’t force a love story into them and I think most films would have. JACK REACHER and EDGE OF TOMORROW. In both movies, Tom is teamed up with a gorgeous London woman in Rosamund Pike and Emily Blunt, respectively. Neither has a Hollywood love story to be spoken of.
In Reacher, Tom flirts with Rosamund, but he does so no more or less than any character flirts with any other character in the movie. The snappy dialogue where the characters push each other’s buttons happens between practically every character in the movie. Tom saves Rosamund’s life not because he has banged her or hopes to bang her, but he does so because he is the hero, he wants to kill the bad guys, and she’s also a hero of the story who is alongside him for the ride. It’s not because they’re going to have babies together. There is a kiss at the end, but it’s not much and it’s more of a thank you for saving my life kiss.
Similarly, there is a kiss at the end of Edge of Tomorrow with Blunt, but it’s more of a thank you for all you’ve done. Throughout that movie, Tom actually begins to love Blunt as the marvelous human she is and for how little he wants to see her die. It’s not even a flirtatious relationship. Tom’s character doesn’t really want anything to do with her, but she’s the key to getting him out of this loop. She’s beautiful, sure. But her character is first about being this powerful killing machine who can teach him to be a killing machine to him learning her humanity and him becoming attached to her.
If there is to be a love story, and there will be, in Force Awakens – I don’t want it to be stuffed in there like a square peg in a round hole.
After recently re-watching the original trilogy, Han and Leia’s love is complicated and it is not satiated for fan service quickly. It builds. Also, Han is quite the emotionally fragile guy with Leia and Luke. They drive him to act differently than he would normally. To the point, in Return of the Jedi, Han says Leia can be with Luke if she likes him better. That’s pretty fucking bold and shows how much of a guy-boner he’s got for Luke. Like Leia has already told Han she loves him, saves his life, but he is willing to step aside if her thing with Luke is a better deal. It genuinely seems like Han believes that Leia is two-timing him with Luke like the whole time and he’s willing to admit he lost. That’s pretty fucking crazy. It’s also pretty fucking great. I love it.
Of course, it’s a little incest-y with Leia and Luke kissing that one time, but that’s better than the pseudo incest of Padma kind of being Anakin’s defacto mom or Anakin being Padma’s defacto son who grows up to become a big strong man that she bones. I mean isn’t that 100x worse? Seriously, why did they do that?! Anakin goes from being a toddler to James Dean, while Padma goes from being Padma to being Padma. I’m not even sure how Anakin jumps 15 years in puberty while the rest look identical from movie to movie and we’re supposed to be cool with it. Whatever. It’s stupid. Fucking prequels! I HATE THEM!
So, I don’t want a hokey romance if it’s not there.
At the end of A NEW HOPE, the three of them are just chums. Leia and Han flirt a bunch, but that’s Han’s personality and Leia doesn’t give anyone an inch. Sure, Han and Luke think Leia’s hot because they have eyes, but that’s kind of it. There’s a pseudo will they or won’t they, but it’s more so WILL THEY STOP THE GALAXY FROM BEING DESTROYED BY THE EMPIRE AND NOT WHO AM I PLAYING KISSY FACE WITH ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?!?!?!?!?!!?
Anyway, I just noticed that the question mark for whatever font this is that WordPress is using looks pretty cool (KSWI Jordan’s note here… the question mark I was seeing in the type-y my post-y window is not the same question mark that got posted. So, that’s weird. Anyway, there’s like 15 more words until the end!!!! You almost made it!!!). And I’ve also written like 3 gajillion words.
So, I want a good movie.
Please give me a good movie.
October 15, 2015
I am a husband.
Well, at least, I think I am. I live in a state of being where I am Danielle aka @_dharv aka heyyybrother’s husband, but whether or not the courts see it that way is really up for them to one day tell me. What I’m trying to say is that we have received any notice about whether our marriage license is legit or not, and I’m not sure when that is supposed to happen or if I’m the one that has to contact them, but – either way – just kind of wishing and hoping that this marriage is as concrete in the government’s records as it is in my own records, which are the gin and champagne soaked memories of our wedding on September 26th.
Yes, yes, yes… as the title reads, I did in fact cry at three different points at Danielle and I’s wedding.
I’m not talking about full on vomitting tears out of my eyes kind of crying, but there were tears and I had to wipe them away. And there were less tears with each of the three instances chronologically as well. Not that that really matters, but if you’re already starting to prepare an oil or water color portrait of me crying in each of these wedding situations then I’m just laying it out there that the first is the most severe then the second and the last was a tear or two coming to the ridge of my eye lid that I quickly absconded and got back to the business of looking stately at MAH WED-DUN.
So yeah, let’s talk about it!
The day Danielle and I got married…
also known as
The day I started wearing jewelry…
also known as
The best day of my life, MOTHERFUCKERS!
WOOOOOO!!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!
There are some funny stories about the night before the wedding and the night before the night before the wedding, but I’m not going to really go to deep into them…
But who are we kidding I’ll mention a couple things…
- Danielle and I had agreed I would give some welcome speech/toast after the first dances and before our parents were going to speak and the best man – who was Dawgz, by the by – and the best woman spoke. But as we got closer to the wedding, Danielle started worrying I would blow it. So, she wanted me to write down stuff and let her hear it. Then I did come up with a speech, but it was a lot longer than Danielle was expecting. So, we went down Thursday night to Asbury where we got married and went out to dinner and had drinks with my lifelong buddy Jay and his wife Echo – Jay was the one marrying us through the Universal Life Church. I bought Jay a bottle of Lagavulin Distiller’s Edition, which is a very nice scotch as a thank you for marrying us and then Jay and I proceeded to drink like 60% of the bottle. Jay and Echo go back to their hotel via Uber. Danielle and I and our dog Coco are in our hotel – The Berkeley, which is where we got married – and it’s like 1am or so and we’re in bed and I’ve had some to drink and my requisite Ambien, and now is the time Danielle wants me to do my speech. So, lying in bed and all liquid from things in my body, I give my speech and she secretly times it at 13 minutes, but it’s not like I was really nailing the speech. Nevertheless, she had some notes about my delivery and wording and whatever because two nights later I fucking nailed the fuck out of that speech … and I did make the changes she requested. Whatever.
- Our rehearsal dinner on Friday night was the tits. It was unbelievable. It was at Pascal & Sabine in Asbury, which is by far one of our favorite restaurants in el globo and the whole dinner was amazing. We friends and family and we all ate great food and drank a shit ton of wine and got super loaded and then went to a bar to meet more friends and had drinks there. Then I got back to my folks’ house at like 1am and didn’t fall asleep until like 4 or 5am and was really just running on adrenaline the day of my wedding.
The day of the wedding… the wedding day!
I met up with my groomsmen – Dawgz, Stuff, and the Drake – and we were all hungover. We started casually drinking beers at like 10am, which wasn’t really helping nor hurting. I suggested we run across the street and jump into the Atlantic Ocean. They agreed. Turns out there was a cancer walk happening on the boardwalk in Avon that day, so they got a good look of me in my underwear with my groomsmen and us frolicking in the Atlantic screaming “Woo!”, “Marriage”, “River Hunks”, and a host of other things you may or may not expect to hear us yelling in our underwear.
We ended up getting sandwiches from the Speakeatery – best sandwich shop to ever exist ever – and going back to the hotel and hanging out with Coco in the hotel room. Eventually, we all had to take showers and get dressed because the photographer was going to come in and take pictures of me reading the letter Danielle had written me, us tying our ties, putting on our jackets and boutonnieres, cufflinks, shoes, and us posing with the plastic pistols filled with tequila that I bought them as their groomsmen present.
So, that’s the setup. Now, let’s hit the three times salty liquid felt behooved to leave my eyeball…
THE FIRST LOOK
As mentioned, these are in chronological order and in order of when I shed the most tears. Originally, Danielle wanted our ‘first look’ aka ‘the first time I see her in her wedding dress, which she had bought from Kleinfeld’s a year plus earlier’ to be traditional and at the altar. Or more specifically, when she walks down the aisle. Then our photographer – who is the best – and a few others had mentioned if we did the first look then we wouldn’t be able to get the majority of the pictures done before the ceremony and we would miss the entirety of the cocktail hour plus probably some other shit. Anyway, the cocktail hour was too important to us to miss, and the first look beforehand seemed more sensible with it being a private moment instead of in a room full of people.
Danielle had also expressed to me many many times that I – who usually keeps my cards very close to my chest – needed to have a big reaction to when I saw her for the first time in her wedding dress. Just saying… she said that… several times…
And I did.
The photographer grabbed me from the hotel room – leaving Jay and the groomsmen and Coco to watch college football and eat potato chips – to stand in this floor to ceiling window mezzanine that’s very pretty at the Berkeley. I knew the bridal suite was down the hall from where we were and they had me face in the opposite direction and I wasn’t supposed to turn around until Danielle tapped me on the shoulder.
Besides the awkwardness of that and what felt like eternity standing there facing a corner of a room like the fanciest “Blair Witch Project” scenario, I started getting emotional.
I really let my mind focus in on the moment and play with it. I started thinking about the implications of this moment and everything that led up to it and how sure I was of it all and how sure Danielle must feel as well. Then I got all nerdy and started thinking about “The Sandman” comic book and the Greek mythology or Roman mythology… I think Greek… with his son Orpheus I believe trailing him as The Sandman is walking through these catacombs and he’s not supposed to turn around to see him because if he does then he damns him to eternity in Hades or something and there was just a lot of nerdy emotion from that and I was just getting pretty fragile is what I am saying.
I could hear Danielle swooshing in her dress a little bit, but I could really hear her giggling as she approached me, and when she tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and saw her for the first time in about 15 hours and she’s in her wedding dress which was perfect and her hair and make-up was perfect and she was smiling and we were getting married in a couple hours – I just started crying.
Tears. Not sobbing, but a lot of tears. And if Danielle really wanted to see her giant ginger man with tears streaming down my face like I was watching ‘Up’ for the first time then guess the fuck what – she got it. HAPPY WEDDING DAY!!! YOU’RE A CRYING MESS!
As for the much bally-hooed dress, it lived up to expectations and then some. After watching one million episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress” – which I do enjoy as a show where you judge the shit out of people and it’s almost entirely focused on how a woman’s boobs and butt look in a dress – and deciding what dresses are good and what are bad and after making a mad dash into New York City on the Tuesday before our wedding and getting the dress like we were smuggling out the President and so on, I did love the dress. I tried not to have any preconceived notions about the dress or play any guessing games with Danielle to lead me into more preconceived notions about the dress, the dress did look somewhat like I was guessing. I knew it would be strapless and have a sweetheart neckline, I was guessing some ruching, and I was guessing a belt. So, I got that right. Either way, it was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
TURNING AROUND AFTER LEAVING THE CEREMONY ROOM
It was a good thing we did the first look instead of the ceremony first look because I didn’t cry or even come close to crying at the ceremony. That was probably because I had already cried a bit, but also I was fucking laser focused and locked in and way too fucking happy to cry. Like I felt invincible during the ceremony. It’s how I imagine Tom Cruise must feel all the time.
As mentioned, my buddy Jay of 30 years – we were bathed together when we little chitlins – married us. Jay and his wife Echo have been living all over the world and, specifically, Vietnam of the past 3 years and they flew in and, not only that, but then Jay married us. Jay did a great job. Danielle and I pretty much wrote the whole ceremony, but Jay delivered the fuck out of it.
Like I said, I was fucking super present during the ceremony and I didn’t feel any cry inducing emotions. I was just beyond happy and felt like I could punch a hole through a concrete wall. But… I did have tears after it was over.
So much of our wedding was about our friends. Danielle and I are very close with our friends and they mean so much to each other and then her friends mean so much to me and my friends mean so much to her. They’re all wonderful people and when we set out to plan this wedding it was purely designed to have a big party with as many of our friends as we could.
As we exited the ceremony – which multiple people told us they cried like really cried during, so yeah to us for that – room, Danielle and I got outside of the room and turned around to see our bridesmaids and groomsmen coming out of the room as well. And God bless those happy fucks because they were all smiling ear to ear and so excited-faced and we both just started crying. Danielle told me she cried, so I’m not making that up, but I did as well. Seeing Dawgz, Stuff, and Drake made me cry and them being so happy for me made me cry and I mean I’ve known these wild men for 14 years now and it’s just fucking dumb luck we know each other. We met freshman year of college and we’ve been through a lot and we were in our underwear in the Atlantic Ocean only hours earlier and blah blah – I love them.
On top of that, I’ve become friends with Danielle’s friends. Seeing her bridesmaids in the same state of happy and excitement for Danielle made me cry in general, but also that means they’re happy she’s marrying me, which made me cry and I really respect them and they’re wonderful and I love them too.
So, friends made me cry.
Not the first time, not the last time.
I’m going to take a detour here for a moment before we get to the next bit of me crying because some wild shit happened and I’m not going to gloss over it because it’s kind of the story of our wedding outside of our wedding being an insane drunken dance party.
DANIELLE GOT SHANKED BY THE BOARDWALK
The Berkeley is right across the street from the Asbury Park boardwalk and, specifically, the famed convention center. So, we were obviously going to take pictures on the boardwalk out there, but the wind was blowin’ up a gale as Owen Wilson would have likely said. Our photographer didn’t want to risk Danielle’s hair for the ceremony by making her run into some crazy winds outside, so we saved the boardwalk photos for post-ceremony.
The bridal party and the photographers, we ran out to the boardwalk where this all day and all night concert was going on on the beach with a tent village and everything, and we took photos on the boardwalk. The boardwalk photos are fucking incredible. I can’t imagine I’ll be in better looking photos for the rest of my life.
Anyway… we get through the bridal party photos. The bridal party leaves to go to the cocktail hour. Danielle and I stay on the boardwalk to do some photos of just the two of us. They go great. Then LITERALLY on the last photo we’re taking, Danielle takes a step forward on the boardwalk and a GINORMOUS splinter shot up and into her big toe through her open toed heels! MEDIC!!!!!
We somehow get Danielle back to the bridal suite and for the next 40 minutes or so, myself and Danielle’s best woman are down on our hands and knees trying to do 17th century surgery on Danielle’s toe with a safety pin, a pair of tweezers, and a pair of toe nail clippers. We got half of this fucking behemoth of a splinter out, but we couldn’t get the rest out. So, what happened?
Danielle just fucking wrapped it up like John fucking Rambo and still partied her fucking face off for the rest of the night and showed up to breakfast and was there til everyone left and the motherfucking finally let my mom drive her to urgent care where a fucking doctor had to use a scalpel to get the rest of the splinter out and he said he could have put stitches in, but didn’t because we were going on our honeymoon for like 10 nights as we planned to travel to four different cities in Italy and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK SPLINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!!!
So, yeah, my wife plays with pain. Danielle is a RTHOF – real time Hall of Famer – and an actual Hall of Famer.
Back to me crying…
BEST MAN SPEECH
Yeah, I teared up a bunch during that.
I had trouble picking a best man. It was tough deciding between the three groomsmen because I think of each of them so fondly. I couldn’t have made a wrong choice. Honestly, I felt bad and still do to this day that I had to tell two of the three that they weren’t my ‘best man’. It was my Sophie’s Choice, and I think Dawgz did an excellent job.
The whole ‘sweetheart table’ was surreal. Obviously, I had never been in a situation like that where I’m in a room full of people at 10 or so people tables and then there’s me and one other person sitting at a table in the middle of the room, right in front of the dance floor with a DJ staring right back at us catering to us. It felt like a movie. It felt like I was watching a movie or more so that I was the camera filming a movie as the movie, the actors, the action was playing to me or Danielle and me.
The first dances came and went and went well. Danielle spent the majority of our dance talking about how I should twirl her. I never had any preconceived notions about what my wife would be like, but for it to turn out that I’ve had more dance training than her is just endlessly hilarious. Not like tap or jazz dance, but waltz and the Lindy Hop and whatever. When I was kid, all the kids in Westfield, NJ took these dance lessons and well yeah. Whatever. #checkyourprivilege I get it. So, Danielle doesn’t know dancing like that and I do somewhat, so I was trying to explain to her the mechanics of a twirl – like which arm would be moving in what direction and which way she should spin and so forth. In the end, we did execute a spin.
First dances were done – which did include almost a skit of sorts from Danielle’s dad, my speech was done and went flawlessly, my mom spoke and my mother-in-law aka Danielle’s mom spoke, and Danielle’s best woman spoke. Everything went great. Everyone said very lovely things and did a great job and it was all very heartfelt and sweet.
Then it was Dawgz’s turn. I knew he was going to deliver some humor, which he did say some jokes everyone could laugh at, but also dropped several jokes there were more inside jokes that Danielle and I and maybe 3 of the 15 tables got. Either way, he did great. He started off making fun of Stuff and he also made an inside joke about having condomless sex where one does not pull out and just blasts away, which maybe like 20 people got and the rest probably like were ‘what?’ — which again was great.
But yeah, hearing Dawgz laud me with compliments about how creative I am and how good of friend I am and how he had been discussing that with Stuff and Drake and so forth – that made me tear up. We’re an affectionate group of guys who talk regularly, hug regularly, tell each other we love each other regularly, and as Stuff said we’re more interested in dancing with each other than maybe with our significant others. We’re friends. And it means more to me with the day even after 14 years that these guys are apart of my life and I’m apart of theirs and it made me tear up and it’s making me tear up as I type this.
Later, my uncle came up to me and complimented me on my friends in general and how long we’ve been friends, and first of all ‘thank you’ and second of all they should be complimented because they’re great people.
It was a perfect day. It was so much fun. Isn’t that what it should be? Fun.
Everyone looked amazing, everyone looked like they were having an amazing time, and it was amazing.
It was a fun wedding. I had a fun wedding. Danielle and I had a fun wedding. We had a fun wedding.
And, yes, this website was mentioned several times as well as ‘The Wantess’ Kristen Stewart was mentioned. Can’t thank this fucking blog enough.
THANK YOU, KRISTEN STEWART!
THANK YOU, BLOG!
THANK YOU, HEYYYBROTHER!
September 9, 2015
I just looked and I hadn’t posted since the end of June, which – honestly – was a lot more recently than I was even expecting. But everything feels so far away. SO FAR AWAY! Back in June, I was watching The Bachelorette and, now, in September I’ve forsaken the ABC/Disney franchise forever. Kaitlyn really killed that show for me. I had a short love affair with the show. It started with Juan Pablo and really ever season after that got worse and Kaitlyn was the nail in the coffin. So, there’s that.
Did Kaitlyn even end up with the penis-nosed, Alf look-a-like? I can’t even remember.
I want to talk a little professional tackle football aka…
THANK FUCK FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!
And, honestly, you can read that statement any way you would like…
- Thank, fuck. Football is back!!!
- Thank, fuck football, is back!!!
- Thank! Fuck football is back!!!
Whatever. I’m cool with all of them.
So, let’s talk about the 2015 NFL season in terms of wins and losses and not in terms of deflated footballs in a playoffs game or possibly your favorite football franchise signing a known dog murderer to a veteran’s minimum 7 figure contract. BECAUSE IF WE TALK ABOUT THAT OTHER STUFF I’M GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING EXPLODE!!!!!
No, let’s just talk wins and losses… puh-lease!
I did a little google search and found the over-under wins predictions for the website Sportsbook.ag. This is the shit you can bet on. Will team X have more than 5 wins or less or one day come up with a better name than X?
I’m going to post what Las Vegas and/or Sportsbook.ag says that you can legitimately bet money on and then I’ll say what I think about their pseudo prediction. Ok?! OK!
How about we “tackle” this task by going worst to first? Let’s roll out the losers!
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5.5 – Right off the bat, I say that’s too many wins for the Jaguars. They did make so moves this off-season, but I wouldn’t say any of them will really result in wins. They’re not a strong ball club on offense or defense and they’re not strong at home or on the road, and they play a home game in England yet again. I don’t see them besting many and I bet we’ll hear about them not being able to sell out games like last year. Soon enough their home games will be like that New Year’s Eve, empty-arena, no rules match between The Rock and Mankind, which ended with The Rock being pinned by a fork lift. God bless, pro wrestling.
TENNESSEE TITANS – 5.5 – More. I’d go higher on this. I don’t think that the Titans are world-beaters or anything, but I think they’ll crack 6 wins this year. I think they’ll grab two against the Jaguars to begin with. I think Marcus Marriota and/or Zach Mettenberger aka poor man’s Ben Roethlisberger will be able to galvanize a bit of offense with a better run defense. I think they can be a trap game. I’d go more on that one.
OAKLAND RAIDERS – 6 – That’s kind of where I’m expecting them to be at, so I would go more than less. I think the Raiders have some talent and they have proven to be a tough divisional team giving the Chiefs and Chargers fits at least. I’m not pro them enough to say they’ll muster 8 wins or anything because its been a dog’s age since that happened, but 6 is more than doable. They’re a team to watch for at least as far as entertainment is concerned. They’ve got a young and mean defense generally speaking and they’ve got a young and wild offense generally speaking.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 6 – Less. I don’t think rapist Jameis Winston is getting 6 wins this year. One would think they would have to be better than they were last year, but last year they were 2-14. TWO!!! So, it’s crazy for me to think they’ll get 4 additional wins to the 2 they barely scraped out. I don’t have faith in them. Their defense sucked last year and so did their offense. Like I said, could or should they be better? Sure. But THREE HUNDRED PERCENT BETTER? That’s nusto.
CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6.5 – Less. They suck. Seriously? You think I’m going to bet the Browns win 7 fucking games? That’s fucking crazy pants. Who is starting over there? Johnny fucking “don’t call me Johnny Football” Football is starting or will be starting over there and you’ve got to be crazy to have faith in him. The rest of the team hasn’t gotten any better, meanwhile they’ve had a litany of off-field problems with their coaches that truly shows no one should think these MFers are getting seven wins. YOU’RE DRUNK, SPORTSBOOK.AG, GO HOME!
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 6.5 – I’d say less. This team is so different than the team it was last year or even more so two years ago that they shouldn’t even be legally cool to call themselves the San Francisco 49ers. The coach is gone, the defense is gone from either retiring or being in jail, and half the offense is gone. Why am I picking 7 wins? I couldn’t in all good conscience pick 7 wins for this team. This season will be a disaster for them and Colin Kaepernick will end up on another team next year.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 – Are you fucking nuts? Man, what has Sportsbook.ag been smoking? Crack, I suppose. Or meth. I don’t know, but 7 fucking wins? Good gracious. That’s nuts. That team is near mutiny and you think I’m going to put my hard earned money down on motherfucking 7 wins?! I’m trying to pay for a wedding over here! What is wrong with you. No, they’re not getting that many wins. They’ll be lucky if they survive 16 fucking games let alone win 7 times. Fuck you, seven my ass.
CHICAGO BEARS – 7 – I’d say less. I don’t have faith in the Chicago Bears at all. I mean what the hell do I know, but that defense is in shambles and the offense is in shambles, so… yeah, fuck no. Fuck no. I’m not betting that this fucking team is getting 8 motherfucking wins. Man, Sportsbook.ag, you’ve got me furious up in this mug! AHHHHHH! You think the Bears are going to get 8 wins? If I could, I’d give you a slap for these transgressions!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 – 8 wins? You know what – I’d say take it. I’m not as strong on this opinion on some of the others, but I think they have the ability to make this happen. I think they could easily take a pair of wins against the Bears and I think they can nab a pair of wins from their other divisional games, so that’s 4 wins right there. I like their coach Mike Zimmer and as much as I think Adrian Peterson should be in jail for beating his kids like Joe Jackson, he’ll most definitely help the team. And the Vikes had a decent running game last year without them. They had 7 wins last year and I think they can get 8 or 9 this year.
NEW YORK JETS – 7.5 – Nope. Man what the fuck, Sportsbook.Ag?! I don’t know who I’m angrier with – Kim Davis or Sportsbook.Ag?!!??!?! 8 fucking wins for the fucking Jets? No fucking way. No way. Who are they beating? I’d take a parlay bet right now that the Jets go 0-6 in their own division. I’d bet they lose to the Bills twice, they lose to the Pats twice, and they lose to the Dolphins TWICE. They’re not getting fucking 8 wins. No fucking way. Fuck the Jets and their bullshit ass 8 wins. THEY WERE 4-12 LAST YEAR!!! Seriously, this is fucking nuts to think they’re going to get 8 fucking wins. Good lord, I need to start betting on this shit!!! AHHHHH!!!
ST. LOUIS RAMS – 8 – That’s around where I might put them. The Rams have been good/great at home this past few years, so 8 games are played at home and its doable for them to earn nearly all 8 wins and then get some games on the road. I expect their defense to be good and I expect their offense to be more consistent this year. Who knows? They could just suck. I would like to think Nick Foles will play well for them, but at the same time I feel like Nick Foles will get crushed early in the season and then we won’t see him until he gets traded next season. I don’t know, but I feel like 8 wins is around where I would pick them, so I don’t feel comfortable picking the over or under, but I’m an optimist so I’m picking over.
Here come the 8.5’s. In life, if someone says you’re an 8.5 then you should probably be flattered at first, but then you should kick that fuck – man or woman – in between their fucking legs for judging you like that. I’m a 10 MOTHERFUCKER! Anyway, in football, 8.5 ain’t that great. It means you’re just above average and we can’t decide if you’re going to fuck up this season or seize that brass ring.
ARIZONA CARDINALS – 8.5 – I’d like to pick over. I’d like to think they’ve become a consistently good football team. Consistently earning 10 wins means you’re a fucking good football team. Consistently earning 9 wins means you’re a good but not great football team. I think the Cardinals should be reaching that 9 to 10 to 11 and so forth consistent range. With the 49ers looking like garbage to me, the Cards should get two wins there to begin with. I really liked what I saw out of them last year and they’re really a fun team to watch play football most Sundays. I’m picking more.
ATLANTA FALCONS – 8.5 – Less. I can’t picture them getting 9 wins. Why? Sure, they should be able to pick off Tampa twice, but who else? This list has the Panthers at 8.5 and the Saints at 9, so it doesn’t even sound like Sportsbook.Ag thinks the Falcons will rule their division. The Falcons have sucked the past few years and I don’t think they’re turning it around to that much of a degree this year.
BUFFALO BILLS – 8.5 – I don’t know. As mentioned, I’m an optimist, so I think they could get 9 wins this year, but, at the same time, they went 9-7 last year and that was with the help of Kyle Orton as their QB and he’s gone now. Their defense was already playing badass last year, so adding Rex Ryan as the head coach should only mean they’ll be similarly as good – maybe better – at defense. But offensively? I don’t know. Rex was never an offensive genius and the team will be lead by either rookie Tyrod Taylor or broken former rookie EJ Manuel. I don’t think either of them can play 16 straight games and I don’t know if I have faith in them to win 9 games again. It’s certainly possible, but who knows. I think they’ll be around that 8-8 mark, but I’m not sure which side of it.
CAROLINA PANTHERS – 8.5 – If it wasn’t for Kelvin Benjamin going down with a torn ACL, I’d pick more wins in a heartbeat. I guess I’m still going to pick more wins, but it’s just tough when your seemingly best offensive option, outside of your QB, gets sidelined for the whole year with an injury. Their defense better show like it did the last couple years and Cam better be ready to do some magical shit because that’s how this team wins games. I’d go more, but I also am a biased Cam Newton fan.
CINCINATTI BENGALS – 8.5 – Less. I don’t know. There has to be a real breaking point with this team. They keep making the damn playoffs, but they’re just not a particularly good football team. But who knows. I also hate the Bengals. Whatever.
DETROIT LIONS – 8.5 – I’m saying less. I think the other shoe is dropping this year with them losing Suh. I think the aura around that team will be a lot more beatable as their defense has gotten less scary. I know that they picked up Ngata from Baltimore and he’s the man, but seriously that team’s D was defined by Suh and I just don’t know if it is there without him. As for the offense, it had more options last year than year’s prior, but I feel like teams will catch-up to what they’re doing. They’re still a passing team that relies on Megatron to catch the chucks. Golden Tate worked out great last year for them, but this year I think teams will be ready to tangle with Tate and Megatron.
HOUSTON TEXANS – 8.5 – I’d like to say more. I really would, and I will because of the whole optimist thing. If their defense is healthy, they’re scary as fuck on paper. It’s tough to ask J.J. Watt to again win football games all by himself like he did last year, but what’s stopping him? This year, he’ll have Vince Wilfork and, seemingly, Jadeveon Clowney helping him and that’s fucking huge. Absolutely huge. Their defense could be the best in the league. Their offense? I mean they have some options. DeAndre Hopkins could be a star receiver this year and they added Cecil Shorts and whatever. I think it is definitely doable. I may be drinking the Hard Knocks Kool-Aid, but I think they can get 9 wins. Can’t wait to watch that defense play some ball.
Sidenote… I’m very glad Charles James II ended up getting on a team because if he didn’t then I may have cried after last night’s Hard Knocks. Kind of wanted to cry tears of joy for that weirdly socks-ed man.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 8.5 – I wouldn’t put money it. I just wouldn’t. Haven’t heard much about the Chiefs this off season and that could be good or bad. Their offense was beyond underwhelming last year – they didn’t score a single touchdown with a wide receiver. That’s fucked up. I love Jamal Charles, but it’s not like teams don’t know about him. Their defense has been quite good/great, but who knows. I wouldn’t put money on 9 wins.
NEW YORK GIANTS – 8.5 – Almost by default would I say that the Giants are going to get 9 wins because I think the Redskins will suck and I think the Cowboys will not be good. The Giants need to get their shit together. Their #1 defensive player blew off his GOT DAMN finger. Jason Pierre Paul has NINE fingers. It’s nutso. If they played in any other division almost, I would say their team had no shot, but the NFC East seems weak as hell and I think they can still give those other stupid teams a run for the money. Who knows though. Seriously, who the fuck knows with the G-Men?
PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 8.5 – More. I’m shocked that this isn’t more difficult. Seriously, 8.5? I’d bet more on that definitely. The Steelers had statistically the #1 QB, WR, and RB last year. I know a lot of shit has changed this year for the Steelers, but I think they are a team that can give any team a rough go and beat them. The Steelers eviscerated the Colts last year and they were one of the most dominant regular season teams last year. If the Steelers could all stop smoking weed while driving cars or whatever it is that they’re all getting caught doing then this team is an easy playoff favorite. I think they’ll have their good and bad moments like always, but I’d say they’re a 10 win team without a doubt.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 8.5 – I’d say less. I don’t think they improved from last year. I think they’ll have a 7-9 season that will seem disastrous and they’ll be the Los Angeles Chargers next year and from that moment on I will actively root against them until LA ends up forgetting about them and in 10 years they’ll be back to being the San Diego Chargers. How about that?!
MIAMI DOLPHINS – 9 – I’d say around that and I’d say more. I’d say 10 wins is doable for the Dolphins. I think their defense is stout and their offense consistently gets better. I think Tannehill turned a corner in competitive play last year. I feel like you can’t question Tannehill’s heart or his toughness or his willingness to win. The dude was out there giving it his all and I think that will pay dividends this year. I think he could be a leader in the lockerroom and I think if the defense is behind him then they could win 10 games. I think the key to that defense this year is making Suh believe that the Dolphins are the team that will get him into the post-season the way the Lions weren’t. I don’t know if Suh is married or what, but Tannehill needs his pretty blonde wife to get her pretty friends to fucking throw themselves at Suh and make him feel like he’s GOT DAMN CONAN THE BARBARIAN out there in Dade County. The Pats probably win that division like always, but I think it could be a 10 or 11 win Dolphins team possibly making the playoffs.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 – If it wasn’t for the fact that they get to play the Falcons and Bucs twice a year… but I don’t know. Isn’t this team done, yet? I mean how many more years is Drew Brees going to play like he does in our heads? I don’t think they improved in any area that I can truly think of. I don’t think I would be comfortable saying 10 wins at all. I’d say less. Drew Brees is 36. It’s got to stop at some point, right?
BALTIMORE RAVENS – 9.5 – 10 is a big number. They lost a few players on defense and offense that I think they’ll definitely miss. They’ve got a good coach and a great general manager, so I have faith they are able to fill those vacancies. 10 is doable for them. I think the Ravens will be able to grab 4 wins against the Bengals and Browns and they’re just generally a good/great football team. We’ll see though. Their running game was solid last year with Forsett, so we’ll see what that guy has in the tank this year. I’d say more.
DALLAS COWBOYS – 9.5 – Less. I don’t think they have it this year. I think this is a bad season for them and Jerry Jones offs Jason Garrett at the end of it. I think their defense will get exposed this year as they will be on the field more than they ever were last year. I think the loss of Demarco Murray will be incalculably bad. Seriously, you can’t have a player having a record season like that then lose him and expect you’ll be able to do what you did last year. That’s just crazy thoughts. I feel like what Murray did easily affected them at every level and without that – they’ll be a shell of what they were. They’ll have a dangerous passing game and probably an ok running game with that offensive line pushing it, but I think it will be far more manageable for any and all of their opposition.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 9.5 – Someone has to win the games in this division, right? I don’t think I’m comfortable betting 10 games won by the Eagles. I think I would say they’re going to win the division, but that may be at 9-7. I don’t know about money down on 10 games. So many weird moves made by Chip Kelly this off-season and I’m not sure about any of them. Demarco Murray will be running behind a worse O-line than he had last year as well as the fact that he’s now a severely used and abused version of himself from last year. As great as Murray was last year, I don’t know how he’ll bounce back. It is incredibly tough for RBs to have back-to-back great seasons. Just so much tough sledding.
DENVER BRONCOS – 10.5 – Yeah, why not. It’s still fucking Peyton. It’s still that defense. I think they’ll be similar to what they’ve been. Probably a little more beatable, but I think they’ll still beat way more teams than they’ll lose to.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 10.5 – Yep. Of course. Why wouldn’t they get 11 wins this year? They’ve got no reason, absolutely no reason to not get 11 wins this year. The Colts should be a 13-3 or 14-2 team this year, so if they’re not then they suck and fuck Luck if he doesn’t get 13 wins this year. C’mon, neck beard, show us what you got.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 10.5 – Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Of course, 11 wins. Of fucking course, 11 wins. Not even a fucking question at this point. Fuck them.
GREEN BAY PACKERS – 11 – 12 wins? I don’t know about that. These numbers went in before Jordy Nelson went down with a torn ACL, so that has to change things. Do I think they can win 12 games without Nelson? It’s entirely possible. Entirely possible. Not sure I’d put money on it. I’d say they’d be lucky with 11 after losing their past offensive weapon. They’re still the easy odds on favorite to win that division in my mind though, but I don’t know if they’ll need 12 wins to do it.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 11 – Yep. Of course. Should’ve won the GOT DAMN Super Bowl, but they didn’t and they’re still a fucking menace as a football team. I wouldn’t wish an away game in Seattle on my worst enemy at this point. Russell Wilson is still the most undervalued, underrated, underappreciated player in the league. I don’t see that changing this year. He should have more weapons to use this year. If they can get Jimmy Graham catching jump balls then they should be a menace, if they can get Marshawn Lynch running for 1,600 yards they should be a menace, if they can get their defense playing half as great as they did the past couple years — fucking menace. I’d put money on 12 wins.
WELL THAT’S IT FOR ME FOR TODAY!
It starts tomorrow night with my Steelers versus the evil Patriots.