August 31, 2009
Everyone. All of us. The people of the universe. Me. I win the most because I have been going through all the possible scenarios in my head of how this could play out and they are all wonderful. Each begins with Megan and Kristen engaging in a staring contest. At first they slowly walk towards the other until they are so close they can feel each other’s breadth on their face. They share half a minute in silence locked in the other’s eyes. Kristen giggles and Megan bites her lip. Then they kiss. Then I blackout. I wake up somewhere between 5 – 10 blocks from my apartment depending on the weather and time of day. I smell of cotton candy and the song “Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac is on a constant loop in my head.
Thus far, I have compared Jessica Biel and George Clooney’s want with Kristen Stewart’s in head-to-head battles. Jessica seemed to want it a lot, but there also times where she clearly did not want it all. Jessica also had moments when she herself looked sexy/beautiful, but there was no want in her eyes. George definitely wants it, but he makes a conscious effort in deciding when/where he wants it and how much does he want it. He has flashes of excellent want, but it has no lasting power. I then ventured to the want of split-personalities in Jon Hamm and Don Draper. The fictional character, Don Draper, from Mad Men has similar sensibilities to George Clooney in his ability to want when/where he chooses with an intense power. George can decide not to want it and be goofy or have a laugh or care about Darfur. If Don Draper is not wanting it he usually is confused or brooding. Meanwhile Jon Hamm, the real Don Draper, never wants it. He spends all of his energy wanting it through his alter-ego.
These people are merely shards of a broken mirror of want. They are simply a piece to a puzzle which when correctly arranged is Kristen Stewart’s want looking back at you. They are all fallible creatures of want. They do want it, but no where near as much as Kristen Stewart. There are other creatures of want. There are creatures who are of a completely different genetic make-up of want than that of Kristen Stewart. There is another race of want that has yet to be tackled on KSWI. Prepare to have your effin’ mind blown… again.
Megan Fox does not want it. Megan Fox knows you want it.
That’s right. Megan Fox indeed does not want it. She does not want it in the least bit. All you amateur “wantology” (the study of wanting it) students who are reading this website, well I am an 8th degree black belt doctor of “wantology” (yes, a doctorate as well as martial arts belts are used to signify one’s knowledge in “wantology”). Prepare to be learned about wanting it.
I have spent countless hours looking at photos and video of Megan Fox. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night in my bed. Sometimes I’ll bring my wireless laptop into the bathroom and look at Megan Fox pictures. Sometimes I’ll look at Megan Fox pictures on my iphone in an empty office at work. One time I printed out a few photos of Megan Fox and brought them with me on a long car trip. Sometimes I have chaffing because of all this research I do about Megan Fox. See how dedicated I am to the study of wantology. They don’t give these black belts away for nothing. But I digress, it has become 100% apparent to me that Megan Fox’s want abilities work in reverse to Kristen Stewart’s. As we are well aware, Kristen Stewart wants it. She just wants it so bad. But Megan Fox knows you want it. She knows you want it so bad.
Imagine a series of convex lines these will represent Kristen Stewart’s want. Kristen’s want is pushing out of her. It is exploding through her to the outside world. Her want is an external intangible shove to your eyeballs and brain. It is radiating from her like a white light for the rest of the world to see. Now, imagine a series of concave lines these will represent Megan Fox’s want. Megan pulls in want. Like a gravitational force all others’ want is drawn to her and she feeds on it. Megan Fox is a cave where all our want goes to die.
Oh my god. I want it. Megan Fox is hot. She is like pornstar hot, which is the highest level of hotness. She is way too hot. She has that quality of hotness where you start to believe in extra-terrestrials again. I’m not talking about little green men, I’m not talking about hanging out in Drew Barrymore’s closet, I’m not talking about President Bill Pullman, Dr. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith fighting, I’m not talking about your greatest weakness is water and you still invade a planet ¾ water … I’m talking about being so hot that there is no way you were birthed out of human female’s vagina like the rest of us. That is what Megan Fox’s hotness is. Because of this and because the only guy ever around her is Shia La Beouf, Megan Fox does not want, but instead she knows we want her.
Great Ted Kennedy’s drunken ghost, I want it. Do you remember the movie Spaceballs? Of course you do. Remember Lord Dark Helmet’s ingenious evil creation Mega Maid sucked up all the trees and air of Druidia and Dick Van Patten (King Roland) was sitting there gasping for air as he could feel all of it being extracted from the atmosphere? That’s what it feels like when I look at this picture. I can feel all my want being pulled out of me and when I’m about to collapse a co-worker walks by and I close the window and I can breathe again. Then they’re like “Why are you sweating?” And I’m like “I just find work so exciting sometimes I sweat.” Hmmm… Spaceballs? That was a 22 year old reference if anyone was counting. That reference can legally by alcohol.
Here are Kristen and Megan side-by-side. When I focus on Megan I feel all my motor functions shutting down. I feel like Dementors are draining my soul through my face. That reference is only 5 years old to me because I never read the books. So at 5 that reference can’t legally make any decisions, but has the right to live and make everyone laugh and it should be in school learning about Kristen Stewart wanting it. When I shift my focus to Kristen Stewart I feel like I was handed a respirator on top of Mt. Everest. The air was so thin a second ago, now I can fill my lungs again. Kristen Stewart’s want warms me and all of our souls like an electronic blanket. And like an electronic blanket her want can be so warm that occasional that want blanket will burst into flames and burn us. Handle Kristen Stewart’s want carefully.
Can’t you see Megan’s soulless eyes feeding on your existence? Can’t you see Kristen’s giving eyes manually pumping your heart for you? They are inverse fractions of one another. Kristen endlessly gives her want to all where as Megan endlessly wants to take it. It is just their nature. We cannot fault Megan for stealing your want like the sensual succubus that she is, just as we cannot fault Kristen for her inability to stop wanting it which can cause problems of their own like minor burns, loss of vision, abandoning of temporal duties et cetera.
Theoretically, who wins? Kristen Stewart. Megan Fox’s want is a black hole that will destroy planets, but at some point that black hole’s reach will end. There is a limit to where a black hole can pull objects and that is the same for Megan Fox. Kristen Stewart’s want is the infinite. Kristen Stewart’s want has no limits, can not be measured, and never ceases. Kristen Stewart’s want takes a dump on David Hilbert and his space.
In conclusion, Kristen Stewart is a gushing volcano of want. She is erupting so violently of want that her want destroys tectonic plates and no one is safe anywhere near her. Only French couples in red knit caps dare stand near Kristen Stewart’s caldera and one day are caught in an unexpected lava flow that seals their everlasting reckless lives away forever (if anyone gets that reference then congrats). Kristen Stewart is a supervolcano blowing ash and lava want into the air thus affecting the global climate. Megan Fox is supernova-ed neutron star that has collapsed in on itself creating a vacuum that even light cannot escape. Megan Fox knows you want it so bad she sucks all your want in like a universe destroying black hole.
Which can be re-written as: Kristen Stewart blows and Megan Fox sucks.
You know, just for mathematical purposes.
We all want it.
August 28, 2009
This could be a terrible idea. This could be a great idea. At the very least it will be a terribly great idea and you can “glass half full or half empty” judge for yourself. Regardless, this is too interesting and too wild of a proposition to pass up:
Last night, I had a moment of pause. It was in a commercial break, either during Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory or Jason “Mayhem” Miller’s Bully Beatdown, that I started to worry about the email address situation. I feel a need to preface the email situation as I did with the comments section – I will try to answer some questions/comments, but I will not answer them all. Frankly, I think there is a possibility that a couple of you will send an email that says “Tell me everything”. Fears aside, I am excited to see where the next stage of KSWI goes from here; now new and improved with an email address.
The mother of revolution and crime is Kristen Stewart’s want – I don’t Twitter. I don’t think Tyler Perry movies are funny. I don’t eat Chinese food with chopsticks. There are just things I don’t do. I had my own reservations about Twitter and felt purely negative towards it until the Iran protests and Shaquille O’Neal started his account. During the Iranian protests, the youth of Iran were using Twitter to give each other updates of where they should assemble and where cops were and so forth. That was an ingenious use of Twitter. I cannot fault any idea if it helps in the staging of a revolution. I feel as strongly about this as I cannot fault any idea that gives me more Shaquille O’Neal.
Shaq is the greatest. He does have a reality television show now called Shaq Vs., but he needs a real reality television show. He should have cameras following him around constantly on a live feed to some website or television station. He should talk to the cameramen and do whatever he feels like doing because it will be brilliant. I don’t watch Big Brother (although I have), but once Shaq retires I think CBS should shell out all the money and get him on Big Brother. I don’t think it needs to be a celebrity edition with him and B-level celebrities. I think it should be a group of normal people picked to be on Big Brother and then Shaq. The show is 100% the same. Same size beds/couches, same challenges, same bullshit, but now we have 4x NBA Champion Shaquille O’Neal.
Back to the point, I don’t twitter. Sorry. But I love that you are on Twitter arranging the order of the wives.
Does Rob know She wants it? – Yes. I really can’t think of a scenario where he doesn’t know she wants it. I was thinking “maybe if he was blind”, but the blind know Kristen Stewart wants it. The blind know K-Stew wants it in two ways:
1. Blind people have a 6th sense: Is it a 6th? Because one of their 5 is null and void. Do we count sight as one of their senses even though it doesn’t work? I guess this is more semantics than anything, but we are all well aware that once you lose one sense that the Heavens open up and grant you with a different sense in return. This sixth sense is almost like a spiritual radar. Kind of like in Japanese anime/manga guys can sense each others power levels, blind people can do the same. But they’re real bitchy about it so don’t try to talk a blind person into doing this magic trick for you.
2. It is cool for blind people to grope your face: It does not work out well when I ask if I can touch strangers’ faces, but for blind people it is a given. They just go around grabbing face all over this world. If a blind person encounters Kristen Stewart and they touch her face they will feel the want.
Also, intelligence will play no role as well. An animal with the smallest brain can sense when a hurricane or tsunami is coming and that is what Kristen Stewart is: a natural disaster of want. So Rob definitely knows she wants it. I think everybody knows that Kristen Stewart wants it if they take a single second to think about it. But does Rob tell Kristen that she wants it? Does Kristen Stewart know that she, herself, wants it? Does an insect that wanders onto an airplane understand that it is flying?
Am I a teacher? – I am not a licensed teacher, but I educate all I meet each and every day about Kristen Stewart wanting it and isn’t that better than just being a teacher? I’m not a teacher. I am college educated and was a Philosophy major among other things. If you enjoy the philosophical “stuff” expect more of it. Already, I am planning on doing posts on Kant and Aristotle.
Who is saying, or has said, there are too many tables??? – I don’t want to get into any trouble, but I’ve heard rumors.
Twilight: THE MOVIE – I have not really addressed Twilight on this site for several reasons. I think everyone expects me to mention it and me not mentioning for as long as possible is somewhat of a mission I am on. I realize I did talk about the sequel’s trailer and in doing so I talked a little bit about the original, but obviously there is more to say. The idea for this site was birthed from me watching Twilight one day. That will be a post unto itself for a later date, maybe next week.
Arrested Development – Big fan. I mentioned my propensity for not re-reading things I write so I couldn’t remember if I ever said that I was a big fan and loved the show and cannot wait for the movie.
Is there more than one person writing this site? – As much as I would want a person to help me at times coming up with ideas and so forth, it is just me. This morning when I was driving to work, I was thinking that it would be great if I continued writing this site to the prolific point that people question if there are numerous people assuming control of “Jordan”. As there are scholars who believe that Shakespeare accomplished so much in his time that there could be no possible way that it was only one man, I too want to be thought of as that. But there was only one Shakespeare. For the doubters who believe I may or may not be more than one person, I will ask you this question:
Is there more than one Kristen Stewart?
Ah-ha! Kristen Stewart’s want is so great that it is undeniable that her want far exceeds the abilities of one person. But you do not question if there are numerous Kristen Stewarts and that is why she appears to be wanting it in all photos all the time because when one Kristen Stewart is burned out of her want they simply replace her like a Kristen Stewart Duracell battery of want. Each one of them only having a lifespan of 3 years before they slowly break down and die and when that happens the next Kristen Stewart is awakened from a cryogenic sleep state. There is no overlap as the previous KS clone is gassed and the new one takes over the wanting it responsibilities without any knowledge of the other clones. Did I just ruin one of the better movies of this year? Hmmmm….
I’m one guy. Kristen is one girl. Shakespeare is dead. Kristen Stewart wants it. Have a good weekend.
August 27, 2009
I have not been on a computer in 24 hours so, I’m warning you now, I am feeling aggressive.
I WEAR SUITS!
Yeah, I said it. I wear suits. I wear them. I wear a lot of suits. I’m not talking about “birthday” suits or “swim” suits. I am talking about man suits; the ones with the jacket, pants, tie and buttons. I’m wearing one right now. I have a whole closet full of man suits from the Men’s Warehouse in my closet. It stinks of fine wool, cologne and sweat. If your mind has not already suffered battle damage from this revelation then how about this… I’m wearing a pink shirt!
BOOM! That just happened! Is your mind blown to bits? I feel like I may lose some readers today because of my hostility concerning what clothes I’m wearing this Thursday, but sometimes vetting is needed. If you can’t handle the fact that I’m wearing a black pin-stripe suit, a pink shirt and a pink paisley tie then you need to move on. This website isn’t for you.
Shit like this is going to happen. On some afternoon, you may clickety-click over to Kristen Stewart Wants IT and you are hit with a sledgehammer of knowledge that I am wearing a pink shirt and a suit and today is that motherfucking day. It may be too much for some to handle. I never said reading Kristen Stewart Wants IT would be all fun and games. Sometimes real world issues like me wearing a pink shirt and a pink tie are going to sneak in like a ninja and cut “fun and games’” head clean off. I wish I could say I was sorry, but I can’t. That is how KSWI rolls; that is how I roll.
I had two thoughts about me posting a picture of what I’m wearing today:
1. What if one of you recognizes me from what I’m wearing? I wrote last week that if any of you can track me down from these clues – Jordan, Steelers’ fan, currently wearing a black suit and pink shirt – then more power to you. I fully believe in giving credit where credit is due and in that case you deserve to have your attempt at chloroforming me and then locking me up in your sex dungeon. Death by Snoo Snoo. Also, I really doubt anyone at my job reads this website. The only other people who saw me today were the people at Dunkin’ Donuts for the morning coffee – KSWI runs on Dunkin’. Of those people, you are either the severely obese man who ordered every donut and made me question what I’m doing with my life that I may end up like him, but he seemed perfectly content in his sleeveless t-shirt and jean shorts eating the new toffee donut, so I felt comfortable again in the DDs. Or you are the elderly man who ordered the exact same breakfast sandwich and coffee I did and when the “chef” called out the food was ready we both reached for the bag and locked eyes thinking the exact same thought: “are we soulmates or is this a Highlander moment and now we must do battle until one of us is decapitated?”
2. Should I begin posting pictures of my suit/shirt/tie combinations regularly? I wouldn’t do this everyday, but maybe once a week. I’m not saying there wouldn’t be repeats. There will definitely be repeats. But there would be some diversity. How many suits do I own? 9. ka-fucking-blam. That is a question not only am I comfortable answering, but I will answer it will authority. A lot of personal questions that involve numerical answers can be embarrassing and/or intimidating. Once you start quantifying some “thing” about yourself you can get defensive. How much money do you make? How about you go fuck yourself? How is that for a question? Answer my question first about go fucking yourself. How many ice cream cones have you eaten in your life? A lot, Ok. What are you the “Ice Cream Cone Baron” all of a sudden? It is more than 50 and back off about me and my ice cream cone eating habits.
On Tuesday, I put up the first picture of Kristen Stewart and her mullet. I saw some derision in the comments section about Kristen and her mullet. I also said on Friday that I’m not the biggest fan of mullets. There is an ironic humor to mullets, but no one goes to the clubs looking to hook up with someone’s ironic sense of humor, believe me I know. On the other hand, Kristen Stewart wants it. She wants it always and forever and that includes her and that freakin’ mullet. I’m not saying that I will be adding Kristen avec mullet into my daily rotation of pictures of her wanting it, but safe to say I could.
Yeah, she wants it. Kristen Stewart is wanting IT more than any person ever with a mullet conceivably could. She has broken the “mullet wanting it” Richter scale. Yes, that means that in this picture you are currently experiencing a “mullet wanting it” earthquake. An off the charts earthquake involving an obscene amount of want and a purely obscene mullet. This picture will destroy city streets, shake your house off its foundation, and conceivably cause a rip in the time space continuum bringing the 80’s into the future where they rightfully belong.
Also, why is Kristen Stewart dressed like a Nascar driver? Did Joan Jett participate in stock car racing after the Runaways broke up? Is this what the end of the movie looks like because I may go see it now. I am on the fence about seeing it. If I’m still writing this website by then it might be an obligation to go see it, but if the movie ends with Joan Jett having an impromptu Nextel Cup run then I’ll see it. That is a plot twist that I would not see coming.
Also, Also, Kristen’s pants are undone in this picture which we all know means she is pregnant or Joan Jett is pregnant. She is a pregnant Nascar driver who wants it. This movie is going to rock.
This is two pictures sandwiched together for you and she wants it in both. Kristen looks like she may have stumbled out of a drug rehab in these pictures, but she wants it. That rehab didn’t cure her addiction to wanting it. The first picture (we’re reading left to right, this isn’t Hebrew school, but what if it was? What an insanely messed up Hebrew school this would be?) Kristen’s want is intimidating. She’s wanting a hole right through you. You want to look away because her want is so powerful you dare not look at and because the mullet is off putting. But you can’t. You are caught in her gaze like a mulleted Medusa of want.
The second picture’s want is more innocent. It may be all the candy bars in the picture, but it looks like she is politely and with a child-like naivety is pointing and saying “I want it”. The store clerk is like “It? What do you want a 5th avenue bar?” Then she looks at him dead in the eye and says “I want it” and he sees the glory of the want and strips himself naked and leaves the story never to return forever. He will walk the deserts of this Earth kept warm during the day by the sun and kept warm at night by the memory of Kristen Stewart’s want.
Kristen Stewart not only wants it here, but I think she looks good here. She has her mullet up so you can’t tell that it is a mullet. Kristen is lying to us all here. Me? No, I don’t have a mullet. But she does have one. I’m not saying women should at all go for the mullet look, but women can still want it with a mullet. Joan Jett had plenty of moments when she wanted it with her mullet, but like all others her want is that of an insect compared to Kristen Stewart’s King Kong want.
Joan Jett wants IT. She has a mullet and she wants it. To be fair, Kristen can want it when she is doing anything. Joan Jett wants it, but this picture has been completely produced to allow for wanting it to happen. Joan Jett is wearing tight leather pants and she is bent over a table unless this is how she naturally reacts with a table then this is manufactured want. I’m so tired being a female rockstar, I think I’m just going to precariously bend over this table in the middle of the room because this how I relax. Don’t mind me I’m relaxing with my back arched and ass on display. This is relaxing.
Again, Joan Jett clearly wants it. The last picture she looked good. This picture is giving me a lesbian vibe to be honest, which is cool. I feel like Joan is saying she wants it, ladies who like other ladies or who are at least drunk enough to try it out once or again since the last time you were this drunk. This is more manufactured want though. Don’t be fooled by her amount of want. Joan Jett wants it, but the scene the photographer has set makes the want appear to be greater than it is like during the Cold War when the Russians took pictures inside their weapons supply depots and used mirrors to make it seem like there were hundreds of rows of missiles, but there really weren’t. Joan Jett is wearing a t-shirt that says “SEX” on it, she is sitting on a bed, and, again, she simply enjoys relaxing with her right hand dug into the crotch of her pants. Oh no, this is how I normally sit on beds: left arm propping me up for balance and my right arm elbow deep.
Joan Jett’s want is like Cold War Communist Russia: she wants it, but not enough to destroy the real super power (America aka Kristen Stewart).
Enough with these damn mullets!
That is the Kristen Stewart we want to see wanting it. The Clash fucking rule.
August 25, 2009
All Boof did was want it – Kristen Stewart can do that.
I need to handle some website business aka bid-ness before we all move onto the thought provoking hilarity. I think it was Leigh Anne or Lula who commented on Friday about asking me questions. I read the comments section regularly which was apparent yesterday, so any/all questions can be written in the comments section. But were you referring to emailing me questions? I could setup an email account where you can send questions et cetera, if that is what you meant or what you all would like. I fear that would make for less productivity on the comments section. What would I do without all these lovely comments? Go back to my normal commentless existence!?! What a cruel cruel twist of fate that would be.
I’m not saying I will answer all questions because I need to keep some mystery about myself for say next week. Just think of asking me questions like it is a game of Russian roulette. Each of the 6 cylinders of the Kristen Stewart Wants IT revolver is one of your questions. Sadly five of those cylinders are empty, but one of your question cylinders is loaded up with a .357 magnum slug truth bullet and BLAM! When the trigger is pulled on that one, it is an explosion of Kristen Stewart truthocity or Jordan truthinegrity all up in your face.
There will be no KSWI update tomorrow. I have been posting on the reg so I don’t want to scare anyone into thinking I have had the mental breakdown we all know we are secretly expecting. I will not be around a computer tomorrow. I will be in the real world where there is sunlight and trees and people. I do not venture outside too often for fear of deadly airborne pathogens and for fear of animals and when they attack. I have watched a lot of those “animals attack” television shows and I have never seen an animal attack happen in my own home, my job, a movie theater or a bar so I know I’m safe at those places.
So, email address? And, tomorrow, I am tempting God by going into the badlands where the animals are, so no post. But today, here comes the funny.
Has anyone else heard about this movie called Twilight? I have a feeling you ladies may like it. If you haven’t heard about you should Netflix it.
Psych! Ahhhh…. whew…. That was a good one. Right? Saying “pysch” was the best. It’s coming back. That was a good joke. Me pretending like you didn’t know about Twilight. We have all had a good laugh.
Today, I am going to analyze the current trailer for Twilight: New Moon. There are three things that stick out in the trailer. First, Kristen Stewart wants it. I don’t know if you were expecting a different “first”, but if you were then you need to pay more attention to the words that create sentences on this website or at least the title of the website. Second, slow motion vamp on vamp action. Third, the guy with the muscles is a wolf. It is about 50/50 what was more surprising, his muscles or the whole transforming into a wolf thing?
Kristen Stewart still wants IT
Having faith in something is hard work. To have faith that something will always be there without your empirical knowledge of it is a rigorous mental test day in and day out. I know I have heard plenty of priests and clergymen from all religions talk about their own struggles with faith. Some days when you see a terrible tragedy or experience a terrible tragedy it is harder than others to have faith in God. Or if you’re simply depressed and feel alone in the world it is hard to believe there is someone out there watching over you. Or when you are eating a bowl of Crispix cereal with milk. You keep thinking to yourself:
“Kelloggs says that Crispix chex don’t get soggy in milk, but seriously they have to be soggy by now. I have been keeping a slower than regular pace eating today’s bowl of cereal. My mind has been wandering and I answered a couple text messages. There is just absolutely no way they are still crunchy!”
And then you spoon that next hexagon of goodness into your mouth and *crunch* God exists! You have to have faith in the chex. They don’t let you down.
I have this similar problem with Kristen Stewart. Like the all powerful chex at repelling milk sogginess I sometimes doubt its abilities even though I know I shouldn’t. It is my cynical human nature waiting for tragedy at every corner. I find myself, in my darkest hour(s), questioning whether or not Kristen Stewart still wants it. *GASP* I know it is a truly terrible thought. I catch myself nervous typing her name into the Google images search engine worrying that I will not be able to find new evidence of her wanting it. But time and time again my faith is restored. Like witnessing one of God’s miracles (examples: Vanessa Hudgens’ second set of pictures that were stolen off her phone, the new television show Shaq Vs., that time I bought a cheesesteak with a $10 bill and was given change for a $20) each and every time I see a picture of Kristen Stewart she is still wanting it. Case in point, this trailer:
She wants it. What else possibly goes through your head when you see Kristen Stewart? That is immediately the first thing that enters my mind. This picture screams she wants it. I can’t say it enough how endurable her want is. Kristen wants it so bad, so bad right here. How do I doubt this girl? It is insanity that I have even a shred of doubt that she wants it. That’s it. I’m giving up on worrying. There will always be new pictures of Kristen Stewart wanting it.
Boom. Still wanting it. Kristen Stewart still wants it folks. I know a lot of you ladies and men are thinking “well I would want it too if I was up against Rob”, but if Kristen was up against Martin Landau who I think is dead, she would still want it. That is who Kristen is. That is what she does. She should have business cards printed up. Top line: Kristen Stewart. Second line: I want it.
Girl can take a bump and still fucking want it. I will go into my opinion of Rob’s defensive/offensive tactics in a minute, but Kristen takes a header into the wall and pops up wanting it. You can’t break this kid’s spirit. You knock her down and she comes up wanting it more. Well not technically “more” considering you cannot increase the infinite. But that is semantics. Kristen Stewart’s want does not dull even if she is thrown into a wall.
A little bit of Kristen’s patented confused + want. This also results in the Kristen Stewart little bunny look that was first noted in the Jumper clip. Someone needs to address this. I can understand if the director is not used to working with Kristen. He must treat her like all other young actors and think that she has little ability at replicating one good take to another. She did this take and the camera is moving and she is wanting it and she is confused and the director yells cut. He looks back at it through the monitor and sees the buckteeth thing and decides that there is no way she can pull off another incredible take of looking that confused and looking like she wants it that badly. But he is wrong. Kristen could do a million takes and she will never stop wanting it. The confusion may wane, but never the want. So next time do a take 2 without the buckteeth.
She wants it. This part of the trailer is when she is dealing with the Bob Marley vampire. Kristen is exhausted about the worrying over if this guy is going to kill her or if Rob has left her for good and all that other nonsense. She just wants to want it. Why is all this other shit piling up around her? Can’t Kristen Stewart want it in peace? Kristen Stewart is frustrated because they are trying to prevent her from wanting it. Why won’t dreadlocks chill out, sell me my weed, not vampire kill me, and let me simply want it?
Vampires hate furniture
From what I remember, most of the fighting in the first Twilight took place at the end of the movie in that one scene. It seems like the big move for Pacific Northwest vampires is the “push”. They love pushing each other. Technically since vampires are really strong their push turns into a throw, but still how about we take a kick-boxing class? I know everything has been going well with the push and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, but come on. One of these vampires is bound to stumble into a New York Sports Club at some point and take a tae-bo class.
The vampires for whatever reason play baseball like they are from the 1880’s so I think it is pretty safe to assume that another rival sect could have taken up a combat sport. There is a Tiger Schulman’s Karate center in every strip mall in America. The rule of probability dictates that one of them has to get curious enough during their immortality that they take a class. I think the first lesson is free. In this vampire fighting world of pushing, the one that knows how to shoot for a takedown, throw an uppercut, or simply sidestep the push and throw a push of their own will be king.
Kristen should give Rob a gift certificate for self-defense classes for his birthday.
Someone should piss test the wolf-boy for steroids
Probably the only good thing about returning to school from summer vacation was seeing which girls “developed” during those off months. Everyone says their goodbyes and signs each others’ yearbooks those last days of class. Everyone has a break from school for a few months until you’re back for the monotony one more time around. Then Labor Day hits and you’re walking those halls again and sitting bored out of your mind in those classes again. But that first week or so, checking out who grew boobs or bigger ones was an activity that I have a fond Norman Rockwell-esque nostalgia about.
Shazaam! For Kristen Stewart, seeing Taylor like this must’ve blown a gasket in that wanting it engine she calls a brain. That dude is huge (that’s what she said). Why is he that huge (that’s what she said)? I don’t understand this. He is the same guy who had long hair and stunk of bong water in the first movie, right? Am I the only one who thought he looked like a peripheral character in the keg party scene in Dazed and Confused? And now, he is a Native-American He-Man. What happened?
Also, why did it happen? I am all for physical fitness and bettering yourself. But he is a wolf or werewolf or lycan or whatever. People with superpowers do not work out. Martian Manhunter and the Green Lantern don’t have a bowflex at Justice League headquarters. This kid is ripped. If you turn into a big ass wolf then you don’t need to work out or at least you don’t need to gain 30 pounds of muscle in a 4 month span of time.
Lastly, I think it is simply unfair. Already as far as competing with girls’ high standards I need to be dark and moody, have superpowers, and be in great shape when I’m not using my motherflipping superpowers(!). What’s next? Is Taylor going to be witty? What are they are going to leave me with? Twilight 3, Taylor learns German and publishes a response to Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason. This is bullshit.
I’ll be back on Thursday.
August 24, 2009
I was perusing the comments section this morning when I got into work. Half looking for an idea to write about today and half looking for bikini pictures from you the commentators. I am not sure it is possible to even post a bikini picture in the comment box. I believe WordPress wrote a specific code to censor pictures of people in bikinis. I know this because I have sent numerous complaint emails to WordPress violently inquiring about the lack of bikini pictures in not only my comments section, but all wordpress blogs. This is what I told them:
“There is a serious dearth in my comments section of pictures of bikini-clad women. I blame you almost entirely, WordPress.com, if that is your real name. WordPress.com, you and I started out on the wrong foot a couple months ago when I published my first KSWI post and my page was not instantly flooded by one million visitors every second who would leave pictures of themselves in bikinis. I am 100% positive that was the deal we had written down with the lawyers or at least the one that was in my head when I clicked on “register new blog”. Sure, the popularity of KSWI has certainly increased and I have received several marriage proposals. Don’t you worry WordPress.com I will do the correct thing and marry each of these women in secret ceremonies that I will never divulge to the government. We will then all move to an area of the country that has insanely low real-estate rates like the sun belt or Cleveland (Lebron and Shaq!?! They have to win it this year). We will buy loads of houses and we will create our own polygamist commune in this suburbia like the HBO television show Big Love. Nevertheless, I don’t know all the ins-and-outs about the interwebz or computers, but WordPress.com I know that you are behind this drought of bikini pictures and you will pay for it dearly. I am coming for you WordPress.com. Make sure to sleep with one eye open WordPress.com.”
After the 26th email, WordPress.com did respond saying that they forwarded all my emails to the local police. I think this is a good thing because now the cops are involved looking into this scarcity of bikini pictures.
One of the comments, which did not have a picture of a woman in a bikini, did request for more posts similar to Schrodinger’s Cat and/or the quantum superposition. So, KSWI is back in education mode – let’s get our motherflipping learn on. Today we are going to travel back one million years to a time of dinosaurs, minotaurs, and canker sores: Ancient Greece! Our main focus will be on the great philosopher and probable pedophile Plato! Of his many wondrous works Plato’s “Theory of Forms” and, of course, how it relates to Kristen Stewart wanting it will be the primary thrust.
Before we tackle the “Theory of Forms”, this pesky idea of Plato being a pedophile should be addressed. I do not approve of pedophilia, but I would like to mention two things in Plato’s defense:
1. Those kids wanted it. I’m just saying. Have you ever seen what the boys in Athens were wearing circa 400 BC? Those kids were begging for it.
2. Honestly, having sexual relations with your male students was the “in” thing back in 400 BC. It was the “fad”. Sure now it is a shameful thing, but if you look back at any fad of its day-and-age aren’t they all pretty shameful? I wore neon colors in the 80’s. I’m not proud of it. Lord knows I haven’t worn them since. Should I be chastised for having worn a black t-shirt with “Acapulco” written in bright neon colors 20 years ago? Maybe. But let’s just side with caution and not chastise me for it. Can you not heed my words and learn from me because I own two MC Hammer albums which were not bought in an ironical sense or by gun point, but because I genuinely wanted to be able to hear “This Is The Way We Roll” and “Pray” any time and as many times as I wanted? If your prejudice cannot get beyond that and believe that I am a changed and better man then please leave now…. Actually please do not leave. I wrote some of this post while I was on hold with the IT department and the hold musak was sad love songs and I’m a little fragile right now.
Theory of Forms
Plato had this wild idea that there were two worlds. There was the world of change, that we live in, and a world of “Forms”. The world that we live in is flawed, deteriorates, is bound by time and space, it is constantly in flux and, basically, sucks balls. Meanwhile, there is this kickass place where the “Forms” (capital “F”) hang out. The simple idea is that in our world, we have a notion of what a straight line is or what a perfect circle (not the band) is, but neither of these two actually exists in our world.
No matter how hard you try to draw a straight line or that perfect circle you will fail. This is the royal “you”. YOU ALL WILL FAIL. Including me, I’LL FAIL TOO! Even with the help of tools we will still not be able to create a “perfect circle” or a “perfectly straight line”. But that doesn’t stop us from understanding what one is. We have no reference in our cruel pathetic world for a perfect circle or a straight line, but we can still aspire towards one because we have a mental image or an inherent idea of what one is. Where does this idea come from if we never experienced it in this life? The perfect, truest form of anything holds residence in the world of “Forms”.
“Forms” are the perfect and truest form of some “thing”. That thing could be a table, it could be a car, it could be courage, it could be love, it could be a smile – awwww, and lets stick with a table for an example. There are many tables in this world, some may say too many. But tables can look like anything. A table could be green, it could be purple, it could be a square, it could be a circle, a table could have 4 legs, it could even have six, it could be used by the poor, but not by a lowly communist. Communists don’t have tables because they eat on the floor in solidarity. Nonetheless, when you see tables no matter how different they look you immediately understand they are all tables. There is an essence to a table, it has “tableness”. This “tableness” that we all reference in our heads is from the Form of a table, which is in the world of Forms.
This is the same for anything. Colors are a good example. There are infinite shades of a color, but we all recognize that that color is the base. There is “midnight” blue and “royal” blue and “French” blue et cetera. But what is “blue”? Is there a perfect blue in this world (outside of my eyes) that everyone has seen and is using as a reference to understand all other blues? No. There is the Form of blue that we all have apriori knowledge of from world of Forms. These blues that we create and exist in this world are based around that idea of that blueness. This Form of blueness is atemporal and aspatial. They are not bound by time or space and that is why the truth essence of blue never changes. Blueness has always been and will always continue to be blueness (sound familiar, just wait for it).
Plato’s famous short story “the allegory of the cave” illustrates his idea of the world of Forms and how it is representative in our shit world. In the story, there are people shackled together staring at a wall in a cave. There is a light coming from behind them that they cannot turn to see. There is also a parade of people that they cannot see that is going on behind them. What they can see are the shadows on the wall in front of them that those people and the light are casting. This is our world; we are the people in the shackles. We are seeing a shadow of blueness. The truth of blueness is behind us in its perfect form, but all we can see is the shadow of it, an imperfect version of it.
In the story, one of the people is released from the shackles. When the person sees the light (which is at first a fire behind them and then later sunlight) it hurts the person’s eyes because the light is pure and not just a mere shadow. At first the person cannot see with this light. This illumination is blinding to the person, it is too much. But eventually over time that person will be able to adjust to the light and look out onto this new world and see for themselves. Simply, this is Plato talking about educating the ignorant. At first learning is difficult and even painful – especially if at the end of each lesson you have sex with your old man teacher… I would imagine – but over time it will become easier and you will have an insatiable lust for it (that’s what she said).
If you haven’t figured it out by now, Kristen Stewart is the living embodiment of the Form of “wanting it”. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but clearly the Forms learned to escape their world that is both unbound by time or space and jump into ours. That had to take forever to learn how to do, but since they live in an infinite world and they are infinite themselves that worked out. I’m guessing here, but the Form of “wanting it” just wanted it so bad that it somehow materialized into a female baby and came out her mother’s vagine and that is Kristen Stewart. Or the mom and dad filled out some paper work and a few weeks later a stork precariously carrying said “wanting it” baby girl in a pink towel in its mouth dropped the baby off on their door step. Those are the two realities to baby making, right? You either have sex sans condom and impregnate the lady or you pay storks to give you a baby from their endless mountains of new born babies they have and are seemingly allowed to have by the government.
I have clearly shown that Kristen Stewart wants it always and forever. I have also shown the shadows of wanting it from people like Jessica Biel and Don Draper (who last night wanted it so bad from the teacher running around the grass in her bare feet). When you came to this blog you knew what “wanting it” was, but you may have not known that Kristen Stewart’s “wanting it” was paramount. From your comments I can judge that now your eyes have been opened and you can see that light that Kristen Stewart is “wanting it”-ness. Seeing her wanting it may have been difficult at first. You may have rebelled against the idea. The light of Kristen Stewart’s want hurt your eyes and impaired your vision. Her want is so bright it diminishes all that is around it and all that awaits your eyes from now on. But after a time, you grow accustomed to that want. You now can see the never ending want that Kristen Stewart has and you can see the glimpses of want in others and can recognize the flaws in them.
And now, when you return to the cave and try to tell the others of the light they will not understand. They are stuck staring at the shadows. They only know the shadows. They only know of George Clooney’s want or Angelina Jolie’s want, they only know of this false reality. When you speak to them of Kristen Stewart’s want and its radiance they will look upon you as being corrupted by this light that they have not seen. How could someone possibly want it that much and all the time? They will fear you and your words. That fear will turn to anger and they will organize to kill you.
At least that is what happens in “the allegory of the cave”. Consequently, the world has this website. Sure the light emanating from this site will hurt your eyes, but I believe my humorous message mixed with the unflinching truth that “Kristen Stewart wants IT” will be able to help easily transition the masses from shadow watching ignoramuses to intelligent headstrong philosophical Kristen Stewart stalkers…. err fans…. At least, fans of how much Kristen Stewart wants IT.
August 21, 2009
For the record: I do watch Lost.
When I started this site, I was hoping for readers. I did not expect commenters. And with that, today will be the start of a reoccurring weekly post. Every Friday, I will pull some questions, discussions, and/or concerns that have caught my eye from that week’s comments. This weekly post will kill two birds with one stone. Actually, don’t kill any birds with stones especially if you have the ability to kill two of them with every one stone. That is a terrible power to have. I can only imagine two scenarios that being able to kill multiple birds with singular stones would be a positive endeavor:
#1 – If family and/or loved ones are being attacked by birds – This is would be an excellent situation where you could display your innate or practiced ability of murdering birds with rocks. I am all for defending your loved ones and/or family from a violent bird to a gang of birds. Let’s say an extremely aggressive bird of height exceeding 6 feet tall attacks your grandmother. You can kill it with stones. You can kill it with a hand gun as well, in my opinion, but to each his own. If a bird somehow gets radioactive material on it and gains superpowers or a bird is experimented on by evil European scientists where it gains powers beyond that of a normal bird or if during a Pagan ritual a prehistoric mythological bird who only seeks destruction materializes and attacks your grandmother – KILL IT! Be swift about it.
Or maybe, there is a fallout from the current bird government. Currently all political problems in the bird world are fine; last year’s heated exchange between bird Senator Future-Rotisserie-Dinner and bird Senator Future-Buffalo-Chicken-Wrap has long been settled, but this is a hypothetical. What if the bird government did collapse and there became warring bird factions that roamed the street looking to lash out against humans? What if Kristen Stewart was surrounded by one of these bird gangs? Would you not lend a hand or better yet a well executed thrown rock? If Kristen Stewart is being attacked by a gang of birds because their democratically elected government has collapsed around them – KILL THE BIRDS!
If you’re wondering why doesn’t Kristen Stewart’s want just kill the birds? It could, but she does not use her power to harm living things, which is another reason why we need a zombie/undead war so we can see Kristen Stewart’s true battle power.
#2 – If you are an owner of a chicken slaughterhouse and have fallen on hard times – I don’t think killing chickens two at a time with a single rock is good business. It is had got to be more cost effect. What is the going rate for a rock these days? Zero, right? Rocks are about the only thing free anymore. They’re just laying around. I’m not 100% sure and how a chicken slaughterhouse is run, but I would imagine there is a machine and the machine has maintenance costs, electricity costs and so forth. Using rocks would be much cheaper, there is completely no overhead involved in using rocks. I do think your production rate would suffer. But who am I to judge how you run your business?
But I digress… I am going to answer some of your comments. Not only will I be interacting with you the amazing readers/commenters, but now I don’t need to think up what to write on for Friday’s. Commence interaction:
My name is not “Mike” – I am not sure where this came from at all. I do have a propensity to not re-read what I have written, but I don’t remember referring to myself as “Mike”. I saw in two comments that questioned if my name was “Mike”. Either I did blackout at one point while writing one of these posts and in that darkness called myself “Mike” or this is an incredibly ingenious plan to get me to reveal my name. I really hope it is the latter. That would be brilliant. I don’t think I have said what my name is, but you the commenters making up that I said my name was something and then I read that and I’m like “What? My name’s not Mike. It is ________!” That is a great plan. Regardless if that was your intention or not, I’ll let it work. Also, I do find it funny reading “Mr. anonymous blogger” over and over, but I’ll help out.
My name is Jordan.
Now, if one of you somehow finds out who I am with your leet hacking skills by me giving up my first name then I applaud you. If I come home and find one of you on my doorstep with a butcher knife, I will not run. I will greet you with a smile and a hug and again applaud you with your efforts. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that the butcher knife is not to kill me, cut off my face, wear it, and then to pretend you are posting as me about Kristen Stewart wanting it. Maybe you are planning on cooking a London broil for me and you bring your own carving utensils. Maybe you carry around a butcher knife as a good luck charm like a four leaf clover. I am not here to judge.
What would happen if George Clooney and Kristen Stewart were in the same movie? – This was specifically about what would happen if their “wants” collided. I think if George Clooney and Kristen Stewart were standing across from each other just wanting it, I would be creeped out. If that is the purpose of the movie then good job director. Kristen Stewart is 19 and George Clooney is 48. Just saying. Again, I’m not judging. Back to the question, George’s want is a controlled burst. It has a high intensity, but it does not have lasting power (ladies). Kristen’s want would not only be able to match George’s high intensity, but Kristen’s would outlast George. At initial impact, one who was watching from the sideline may believe this will be an everlasting stalemate of want. Do not be fooled. Kristen is endurable. George will eventually be crushed by Kristen’s want if it came to that. She would most likely allow him to submit to her want and then George would slink away a defeated middle-aged man who has seen the glory of the next generation’s queen of want.
Kristen Stewart’s mullet – Yeah, I’m not into it. I fully understand that it is for her movie role. Much like Javier Bardem and his squire-boy haircut for No Country for Old Men they are sacrificing their locks and looks for the betterment of the movie and maybe to eventually put wig makers out of business forever. Kristen still wants it with that mullet though. I did show her with the mullet when she “fell” while running. “Fell” because we all know that she really just wanted it so bad that the Earth rose up and tried to give her a concrete hug. As for girls cutting their hair short, a mullet is not the look you should go for. I like short hair and long hair, but not the in between in the form of a mullet.
The impending Elephant Apocalypse vs. Kristen Stewart – If properly weaponized Kristen Stewart’s want is similar to the final scene in The Fifth Element. I don’t mean the final final scene where Milla Jovovich is having French sex with Bruce Willis. By French sex I mean it is somewhat sexy, but it also has neon colors involved and you’re a little weirded out by the whole thing. I meant the scene where Milla’s character Leelu and the four stones are activated with her in the middle and she shoots out a white beam of light that stops the meteor of Evil from destroying the planet. No joke, Kristen Stewart can do that. Kristen Stewart has the ability to be used as a anti-Armageddon like laser beam that will stop all evil intentions in its tracts and obliterate them. No joke, Kristen Stewart can do that. If only I can remember where I put those stones.
Kristen Stewart is greater than Chuck Norris – Chuck Norris’ power is bound by time and space, or at least most of it is. Kristen Stewart’s want knows no limitations. Kristen Stewart’s want formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of want, and the man wanted it.
Bottling Kristen Stewart’s want to solve the energy crisis? – Can God create something so heavy that even God can not lift it? What could possibly bottle Kristen Stewart’s want?
Pimping KSWI and Twitter – Thank you again for this. You all are doing an incredible job. I don’t know how to “pimp” a website. I especially don’t know how to “pimp” a website that specializes in talking about wearing silk ladies underwear to make you a better writer and Kristen Stewart’s infinite want. I do not twitter either, so sorry for that. I hope you continue to show off this site to all the other e-women of this world so they too can propose marriage to me. Keep up the comments, keep up the questions, keep up sending lurid messages that involve me.
I will be back Monday. Have a great weekend. Feel comfort that wherever Kristen Stewart is in this world that she wants it. She wants it hard.