This Week in Kristen Stewart Wants IT

August 21, 2009

For the record: I do watch Lost.

When I started this site, I was hoping for readers. I did not expect commenters. And with that, today will be the start of a reoccurring weekly post. Every Friday, I will pull some questions, discussions, and/or concerns that have caught my eye from that week’s comments. This weekly post will kill two birds with one stone. Actually, don’t kill any birds with stones especially if you have the ability to kill two of them with every one stone. That is a terrible power to have. I can only imagine two scenarios that being able to kill multiple birds with singular stones would be a positive endeavor:

#1 – If family and/or loved ones are being attacked by birds – This is would be an excellent situation where you could display your innate or practiced ability of murdering birds with rocks. I am all for defending your loved ones and/or family from a violent bird to a gang of birds. Let’s say an extremely aggressive bird of height exceeding 6 feet tall attacks your grandmother. You can kill it with stones. You can kill it with a hand gun as well, in my opinion, but to each his own. If a bird somehow gets radioactive material on it and gains superpowers or a bird is experimented on by evil European scientists where it gains powers beyond that of a normal bird or if during a Pagan ritual a prehistoric mythological bird who only seeks destruction materializes and attacks your grandmother – KILL IT! Be swift about it.

Or maybe, there is a fallout from the current bird government. Currently all political problems in the bird world are fine; last year’s heated exchange between bird Senator Future-Rotisserie-Dinner and bird Senator Future-Buffalo-Chicken-Wrap has long been settled, but this is a hypothetical. What if the bird government did collapse and there became warring bird factions that roamed the street looking to lash out against humans? What if Kristen Stewart was surrounded by one of these bird gangs? Would you not lend a hand or better yet a well executed thrown rock? If Kristen Stewart is being attacked by a gang of birds because their democratically elected government has collapsed around them – KILL THE BIRDS!

 

If you’re wondering why doesn’t Kristen Stewart’s want just kill the birds? It could, but she does not use her power to harm living things, which is another reason why we need a zombie/undead war so we can see Kristen Stewart’s true battle power.

#2 – If you are an owner of a chicken slaughterhouse and have fallen on hard times – I don’t think killing chickens two at a time with a single rock is good business. It is had got to be more cost effect. What is the going rate for a rock these days? Zero, right? Rocks are about the only thing free anymore. They’re just laying around. I’m not 100% sure and how a chicken slaughterhouse is run, but I would imagine there is a machine and the machine has maintenance costs, electricity costs and so forth. Using rocks would be much cheaper, there is completely no overhead involved in using rocks. I do think your production rate would suffer. But who am I to judge how you run your business?

But I digress… I am going to answer some of your comments. Not only will I be interacting with you the amazing readers/commenters, but now I don’t need to think up what to write on for Friday’s. Commence interaction:

My name is not “Mike” – I am not sure where this came from at all. I do have a propensity to not re-read what I have written, but I don’t remember referring to myself as “Mike”. I saw in two comments that questioned if my name was “Mike”. Either I did blackout at one point while writing one of these posts and in that darkness called myself “Mike” or this is an incredibly ingenious plan to get me to reveal my name. I really hope it is the latter. That would be brilliant. I don’t think I have said what my name is, but you the commenters making up that I said my name was something and then I read that and I’m like “What? My name’s not Mike. It is ________!” That is a great plan. Regardless if that was your intention or not, I’ll let it work. Also, I do find it funny reading “Mr. anonymous blogger” over and over, but I’ll help out.

My name is Jordan.

Now, if one of you somehow finds out who I am with your leet hacking skills by me giving up my first name then I applaud you. If I come home and find one of you on my doorstep with a butcher knife, I will not run. I will greet you with a smile and a hug and again applaud you with your efforts. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that the butcher knife is not to kill me, cut off my face, wear it, and then to pretend you are posting as me about Kristen Stewart wanting it. Maybe you are planning on cooking a London broil for me and you bring your own carving utensils. Maybe you carry around a butcher knife as a good luck charm like a four leaf clover. I am not here to judge.

What would happen if George Clooney and Kristen Stewart were in the same movie? – This was specifically about what would happen if their “wants” collided. I think if George Clooney and Kristen Stewart were standing across from each other just wanting it, I would be creeped out. If that is the purpose of the movie then good job director. Kristen Stewart is 19 and George Clooney is 48. Just saying. Again, I’m not judging. Back to the question, George’s want is a controlled burst. It has a high intensity, but it does not have lasting power (ladies). Kristen’s want would not only be able to match George’s high intensity, but Kristen’s would outlast George. At initial impact, one who was watching from the sideline may believe this will be an everlasting stalemate of want. Do not be fooled. Kristen is endurable. George will eventually be crushed by Kristen’s want if it came to that. She would most likely allow him to submit to her want and then George would slink away a defeated middle-aged man who has seen the glory of the next generation’s queen of want.

 

Kristen Stewart’s mullet – Yeah, I’m not into it. I fully understand that it is for her movie role. Much like Javier Bardem and his squire-boy haircut for No Country for Old Men they are sacrificing their locks and looks for the betterment of the movie and maybe to eventually put wig makers out of business forever. Kristen still wants it with that mullet though. I did show her with the mullet when she “fell” while running. “Fell” because we all know that she really just wanted it so bad that the Earth rose up and tried to give her a concrete hug. As for girls cutting their hair short, a mullet is not the look you should go for. I like short hair and long hair, but not the in between in the form of a mullet.

The impending Elephant Apocalypse vs. Kristen Stewart – If properly weaponized Kristen Stewart’s want is similar to the final scene in The Fifth Element. I don’t mean the final final scene where Milla Jovovich is having French sex with Bruce Willis. By French sex I mean it is somewhat sexy, but it also has neon colors involved and you’re a little weirded out by the whole thing. I meant the scene where Milla’s character Leelu and the four stones are activated with her in the middle and she shoots out a white beam of light that stops the meteor of Evil from destroying the planet. No joke, Kristen Stewart can do that. Kristen Stewart has the ability to be used as a anti-Armageddon like laser beam that will stop all evil intentions in its tracts and obliterate them. No joke, Kristen Stewart can do that. If only I can remember where I put those stones.

 

Kristen Stewart is greater than Chuck Norris – Chuck Norris’ power is bound by time and space, or at least most of it is. Kristen Stewart’s want knows no limitations. Kristen Stewart’s want formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of want, and the man wanted it.

Bottling Kristen Stewart’s want to solve the energy crisis? – Can God create something so heavy that even God can not lift it? What could possibly bottle Kristen Stewart’s want?

Pimping KSWI and Twitter – Thank you again for this. You all are doing an incredible job. I don’t know how to “pimp” a website. I especially don’t know how to “pimp” a website that specializes in talking about wearing silk ladies underwear to make you a better writer and Kristen Stewart’s infinite want. I do not twitter either, so sorry for that. I hope you continue to show off this site to all the other e-women of this world so they too can propose marriage to me. Keep up the comments, keep up the questions, keep up sending lurid messages that involve me.

I will be back Monday. Have a great weekend. Feel comfort that wherever Kristen Stewart is in this world that she wants it. She wants it hard.

21 Responses to “This Week in Kristen Stewart Wants IT”

  1. Janet said

    I love you soon to be hubby and I am comforted by her hard want of it. Thank you.

    Off to do your laundry. Kisses. Mwah

  2. So I missed the marry you gravy train. Ah well.

    Can I call you JoJo? Well JoJo, I just want to thank you for pointing out to me the amazing extent of Kstew’s want. I didn’t even like her before, but you have shown me the light.

  3. Leigh Anne said

    Dear Jordan,

    Our names go so well together.
    “Jordan & Leigh Anne.”

    Wait, I forgot my first husband…
    “Scott, Leigh Anne (or Lula, whichever you prefer), and Jordan.”

    Awesome.

    Well, unless you’re a complete douchebag, like Jordan Knight.
    Are you Hangin’ Tough? Wait, don’t answer that.

    Now that we’ve established that you watch Lost (and this information does not surprise me–I just needed it confirmed), I need to know your level of Lost love. I blog about Lost. I may or may not have a Hanso Foundation t-shirt. I claim JJ Abrams as one of my personal heroes. And I may or may not have just made you my constant.

    I take Lost very seriously. Just as Kristen Stewart wants it. She wants it seriously, and with every fiber of her being.

    Finally…with this sentence:
    “If you’re wondering why doesn’t Kristen Stewart’s want just kill the birds? It could, but she does not use her power to harm living things, which is another reason why we need a zombie/undead war so we can see Kristen Stewart’s true battle power.”
    …you have officially given Peter Jackson THE plot for his next picture. I’m thinking 5 months at Weta Worship would be ample time for us to flesh out this film. Got your passport ready? We’re going to New Zealand.

    Love,
    the First Wife

    p.s. Oh, I love this new feature. Thanks for being in tune with your readers. But when do we get to ask YOU questions? I mean, more than we already have.

  4. Jordan,
    My plan succeeded and you gave us a name. Brilliant. Even if it really isn’t your name, I prefer using a name rather than Mr. Anonymous Blogger.

    I am a Lost enthusiast as well. So we can make Lost family nights at the Love commune.

    Meant to mention this the other day, I will stomach the Steelers as long as you permit me to remain a Penn State die-hard. I prefer college football to professional and my fav NFL team and I are not currently on speaking terms.

    I appreciate you commenting on the mullet. I was getting crap from some commenter that I didn’t appreciate the want cause I think she looks like a grease monkey with her current hair and style. Someone went on to say the Mullet is bad ass. To this person I also say: feathered hair, slouch socks and scrunchies are also not cool and I have a feeling that you, person who thinks mullets are bad ass, are probably wearing all three.

    I conclude with saying that I feel dirty cause I’m pretty sure that Kristen Stewart just eye-fucked me five times with all the want. I may be carrying the KSWI love child.

    Your rebellious 4th wife,
    Brooke

  5. HeyyyBrother said

    Dear Jordan,

    First and foremost, you have a sexy name.

    Secondly, thank you for addressing your readers. I understand that our feverish level of Want for you is probably a little intimidating, but I (and the other wives) promise never to cut off your skin and wear it. I’d imagine that must cross some line of intimacy/lunacy, and might even be illegal.

    This is going to be the happiest polygamous family to ever exist… What with us all being fans of Lost, Wanting it, and our shared hatred of mullets. Happy days are here again. Rejoice.

    Can we get a dog (or two)? I think that’s the only thing that could make this love-fest even better. Based on your strict policy of only killing birds and elephants once they’ve taken over the world in a manner that would rival some of the most horrific dictators of our time, I assume you’re an animal lover and would be ok with a few dogs?

    Enjoy your weekend. I (and all of your other wives) will be anxiously awaiting your return on Monday.

    Wanting it this weekend,
    D (wife # tbd)

    [OK. Time out. All joking aside, you are SERIOUSLY one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever found on the interwebs. I don’t know how your brain works, but I LIKE it. I might have to stop reading this at work because I literally cannot control my laughter.]

  6. Amy said

    “Bottling Kristen Stewart’s want to solve the energy crisis? – Can God create something so heavy that even God can not lift it? What could possibly bottle Kristen Stewart’s want”

    You should definitely consult with the Department of Energy. I’m sure their scientists and engineers would find your understanding of KristenWant very valuable. Harnessing that energy would be very difficult, no doubt.

  7. […] This post was Twitted by Janetrigs […]

  8. Proselyte3 said

    Ah…so it’s Jordan is it? Schmexy. Although, I’m still a bit nostalgic for, ‘Sir La Perla’ as I referred to you mentally over the last several days.

    I like where your head is at (that’s what she sa…never mind) what I’m trying to say is, I never really felt adequately prepared for a full scale bird attack. Now I feel as though I have enough working knowledge to survive, and save my loved ones. I have you to thank for this.

    Funny story, I do, in fact, carry a butcher knife strapped to my inner thigh for emergency London Broil preparation. How clever of you to guess. Just another piece to the fates puzzle I suppose. I am harmless, unless you factor in my driving. But that’s not on the table here.

    I would be interested in knowing how you feel about having wives that cannot possibly want it as much as your current muse? Can we live up to your expectations? A foregone conclusion? I’ve never been so lacking in confidence, I’m swept up into the vortex of the want…and left….er, wanting?
    As with any new bride, I need a bit of assurance. I’m high maintenance, but ultimately worth it. Until Monday…

  9. S dot Cinni said

    I hope you don’t see us after the weekend. I hope that you never write here again, “Jordan”.

    • Leigh Anne said

      Seriously.

      Nell Carter (also known as S dot Cinni) MUST think that Jordan has her piece of the cake. Why else would she keep coming back here?

      I just don’t get it.

      Wait…yes I do…she loves the Want. She loves Kristen Stewart’s want. Who can blame her?

      • HeyyyBrother said

        If Kristen’s Want has the power to win the great war of the zombies/undead, what hope does Nell Carter have in refusing said Want? None. She’s powerless.

  10. hermes said

    If George and Kristen were in the same movie..she’d kill him with her want of it. enough said.. he’s an old dude.. and even if he had viagra planted in his meatballs.. they’d shrivel up and run away if Kristen’s vajay jay came a callin..
    eeepp… run little georgie run..Kristen Stewarts Wants It is after you.

    Are you named after the river Jordan? or the country or both?

  11. Freya said

    Now that I’ve pimped your site on Twitter, I’d like to pimp Twitter on your site. It’s free. It’s fun. Last night a bunch of us were trying to prove that we had the WANT, and posting pictures of ourselves displaying the WANT. And you missed that, Jordan, because you’re not there with us! Come to the Twitter side.

    Thanks for the awesomeness and addressing all our crazy nuts questions.

    Love from your wife (#TBD, but definitely still in the single digits–nothing over 9!),

    Freya

  12. Kristin said

    I also request to be a single digit wife and that you join the twitter world. The Want is all encompassing and twitter is a good outlet for proclaiming The Want.

    As far as hunting you down with a butcher knife, this will not be necessary. Once Kristen finds this site, her level of want will lead us in your direction automatically. Plus my lucky charm of choice is not a knife, instead I choose a tiny ceramic elephant and a letter to my congressman regarding the bottling of said Want in order to solve our energy crisis. It will remind me that above all, her Want can do good and not evil. and it will remind me of our love.

  13. tara said

    “I did show her with the mullet when she “fell” while running. “Fell” because we all know that she really just wanted it so bad that the Earth rose up and tried to give her a concrete hug.”

    LMAO. Jordan, you are just full of awesomeness

  14. Heather said

    I hate birds. I hate them with a passion of a thousand white hot suns. Seriously. They will poke. your. eyes. out, man. Without remorse or second thought. They are evil that way and deserve to die. It’s not by whimsy that entire horror films are devoted to birds.

    And I feel obliged to throw my hat into the wifely fray. I wasn’t going to until you told us your name and now I’ve got certain images conjured. I feel above selling myself, as I am smoking hot. And I don’t want a number. I want to be the wife above any sort of numbered rank. I just want to “be”. I know Lula in real life and respect her position as first wife, though. She can attest to my hotness and I to hers. Yes, Jordan, her boobs DO rock.

    While The Want is strong in us, we are but Padawan Learners of The Want, so please don’t feel obliged to post daily. You may want to pace yourself as to avoid bloggy burnout. Thank the polygamy gods Bill Paxton had Viagra. There is no such thing for bloggy dysfunction. Use caution. The Want is not to be trifled with. Much like the birds, it WILL poke your eyes out.

    That is all.

  15. aneira said

    YESS! I got my kristen vs. Chuck Norris!! thank you for addressing that
    youve made my day (again) and i was having pretty horrible day so far.

    well actually,i was having a good day, and then something horrible happened and it became a horrible day. and i feel like i have to solve this problem.
    but then i remembered that there is only one answer to all of our problems.
    and i think you, me and everyone else who reads this blog knows exactly what that answer is.

  16. newtonandyorkiehavethebestlinesEVER said

    i’m getting tired of saying this blog is awesome. you’re so full of win. are you sick of hearing it? i hope you’re not.

    love the stewie and all her want.

    she wants it and she can have it anytime.

    p.s.: please, keep the schrodinger’s cat and superposition’s posts coming. i love to be educated (that’s what she said).

    p.s.2: forgive my english, i’m not a native speaker.

  17. Rogue said

    Hey jordan,
    Your blog rocks!!!! I always wonder myself why i find it a necessity to check on what’s happening about Kristen eversince i chanced upon her during one of those indie festivals. Now i know, thanks to you!!!! It’s the WANT, her Wanting it!!! In case i see her again, i’ll definitely pimp your blog. She’ll totally dig this one!

  18. Marta said

    I’m not as clever as my girls with the comments, but I’m sure glad I pimped out the site to them so that we all comment now, and you, therefore, have a weekly feature! Woo!

    P.S. Don’t forget to get your copy of Adventureland this Tuesday when it comes out so you can screencap all the fabulous WANT that Kristen has in that movie. She and it ROCK. Hardcore. I expect an amazing post out of it. I do. That is all. 🙂

  19. I found your site when I was searching for something unrelated, but this page was one of the first sites listed in Google, your blog must be so popular! Continue the good work!

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