I Don’t Remember Plato Wanting IT Like This

August 24, 2009

I was perusing the comments section this morning when I got into work. Half looking for an idea to write about today and half looking for bikini pictures from you the commentators. I am not sure it is possible to even post a bikini picture in the comment box. I believe WordPress wrote a specific code to censor pictures of people in bikinis. I know this because I have sent numerous complaint emails to WordPress violently inquiring about the lack of bikini pictures in not only my comments section, but all wordpress blogs. This is what I told them:

“There is a serious dearth in my comments section of pictures of bikini-clad women. I blame you almost entirely, WordPress.com, if that is your real name. WordPress.com, you and I started out on the wrong foot a couple months ago when I published my first KSWI post and my page was not instantly flooded by one million visitors every second who would leave pictures of themselves in bikinis. I am 100% positive that was the deal we had written down with the lawyers or at least the one that was in my head when I clicked on “register new blog”. Sure, the popularity of KSWI has certainly increased and I have received several marriage proposals. Don’t you worry WordPress.com I will do the correct thing and marry each of these women in secret ceremonies that I will never divulge to the government. We will then all move to an area of the country that has insanely low real-estate rates like the sun belt or Cleveland (Lebron and Shaq!?! They have to win it this year). We will buy loads of houses and we will create our own polygamist commune in this suburbia like the HBO television show Big Love. Nevertheless, I don’t know all the ins-and-outs about the interwebz or computers, but WordPress.com I know that you are behind this drought of bikini pictures and you will pay for it dearly. I am coming for you WordPress.com. Make sure to sleep with one eye open WordPress.com.”

After the 26th email, WordPress.com did respond saying that they forwarded all my emails to the local police. I think this is a good thing because now the cops are involved looking into this scarcity of bikini pictures.

 

One of the comments, which did not have a picture of a woman in a bikini, did request for more posts similar to Schrodinger’s Cat and/or the quantum superposition. So, KSWI is back in education mode – let’s get our motherflipping learn on. Today we are going to travel back one million years to a time of dinosaurs, minotaurs, and canker sores: Ancient Greece! Our main focus will be on the great philosopher and probable pedophile Plato! Of his many wondrous works Plato’s “Theory of Forms” and, of course, how it relates to Kristen Stewart wanting it will be the primary thrust.

Before we tackle the “Theory of Forms”, this pesky idea of Plato being a pedophile should be addressed. I do not approve of pedophilia, but I would like to mention two things in Plato’s defense:

1. Those kids wanted it. I’m just saying. Have you ever seen what the boys in Athens were wearing circa 400 BC? Those kids were begging for it.

2. Honestly, having sexual relations with your male students was the “in” thing back in 400 BC. It was the “fad”. Sure now it is a shameful thing, but if you look back at any fad of its day-and-age aren’t they all pretty shameful? I wore neon colors in the 80’s. I’m not proud of it. Lord knows I haven’t worn them since. Should I be chastised for having worn a black t-shirt with “Acapulco” written in bright neon colors 20 years ago? Maybe. But let’s just side with caution and not chastise me for it. Can you not heed my words and learn from me because I own two MC Hammer albums which were not bought in an ironical sense or by gun point, but because I genuinely wanted to be able to hear “This Is The Way We Roll” and “Pray” any time and as many times as I wanted? If your prejudice cannot get beyond that and believe that I am a changed and better man then please leave now…. Actually please do not leave. I wrote some of this post while I was on hold with the IT department and the hold musak was sad love songs and I’m a little fragile right now.

Theory of Forms

Plato had this wild idea that there were two worlds. There was the world of change, that we live in, and a world of “Forms”. The world that we live in is flawed, deteriorates, is bound by time and space, it is constantly in flux and, basically, sucks balls. Meanwhile, there is this kickass place where the “Forms” (capital “F”) hang out. The simple idea is that in our world, we have a notion of what a straight line is or what a perfect circle (not the band) is, but neither of these two actually exists in our world.

 

No matter how hard you try to draw a straight line or that perfect circle you will fail. This is the royal “you”. YOU ALL WILL FAIL. Including me, I’LL FAIL TOO! Even with the help of tools we will still not be able to create a “perfect circle” or a “perfectly straight line”. But that doesn’t stop us from understanding what one is. We have no reference in our cruel pathetic world for a perfect circle or a straight line, but we can still aspire towards one because we have a mental image or an inherent idea of what one is. Where does this idea come from if we never experienced it in this life? The perfect, truest form of anything holds residence in the world of “Forms”.

“Forms” are the perfect and truest form of some “thing”. That thing could be a table, it could be a car, it could be courage, it could be love, it could be a smile – awwww, and lets stick with a table for an example. There are many tables in this world, some may say too many. But tables can look like anything. A table could be green, it could be purple, it could be a square, it could be a circle, a table could have 4 legs, it could even have six, it could be used by the poor, but not by a lowly communist. Communists don’t have tables because they eat on the floor in solidarity. Nonetheless, when you see tables no matter how different they look you immediately understand they are all tables. There is an essence to a table, it has “tableness”. This “tableness” that we all reference in our heads is from the Form of a table, which is in the world of Forms.

This is the same for anything. Colors are a good example. There are infinite shades of a color, but we all recognize that that color is the base. There is “midnight” blue and “royal” blue and “French” blue et cetera. But what is “blue”? Is there a perfect blue in this world (outside of my eyes) that everyone has seen and is using as a reference to understand all other blues? No. There is the Form of blue that we all have apriori knowledge of from world of Forms. These blues that we create and exist in this world are based around that idea of that blueness. This Form of blueness is atemporal and aspatial. They are not bound by time or space and that is why the truth essence of blue never changes. Blueness has always been and will always continue to be blueness (sound familiar, just wait for it).

 

Plato’s famous short story “the allegory of the cave” illustrates his idea of the world of Forms and how it is representative in our shit world. In the story, there are people shackled together staring at a wall in a cave. There is a light coming from behind them that they cannot turn to see. There is also a parade of people that they cannot see that is going on behind them. What they can see are the shadows on the wall in front of them that those people and the light are casting. This is our world; we are the people in the shackles. We are seeing a shadow of blueness. The truth of blueness is behind us in its perfect form, but all we can see is the shadow of it, an imperfect version of it.

In the story, one of the people is released from the shackles. When the person sees the light (which is at first a fire behind them and then later sunlight) it hurts the person’s eyes because the light is pure and not just a mere shadow. At first the person cannot see with this light. This illumination is blinding to the person, it is too much. But eventually over time that person will be able to adjust to the light and look out onto this new world and see for themselves. Simply, this is Plato talking about educating the ignorant. At first learning is difficult and even painful – especially if at the end of each lesson you have sex with your old man teacher… I would imagine – but over time it will become easier and you will have an insatiable lust for it (that’s what she said).

If you haven’t figured it out by now, Kristen Stewart is the living embodiment of the Form of “wanting it”. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but clearly the Forms learned to escape their world that is both unbound by time or space and jump into ours. That had to take forever to learn how to do, but since they live in an infinite world and they are infinite themselves that worked out. I’m guessing here, but the Form of “wanting it” just wanted it so bad that it somehow materialized into a female baby and came out her mother’s vagine and that is Kristen Stewart. Or the mom and dad filled out some paper work and a few weeks later a stork precariously carrying said “wanting it” baby girl in a pink towel in its mouth dropped the baby off on their door step. Those are the two realities to baby making, right? You either have sex sans condom and impregnate the lady or you pay storks to give you a baby from their endless mountains of new born babies they have and are seemingly allowed to have by the government.

 

I have clearly shown that Kristen Stewart wants it always and forever. I have also shown the shadows of wanting it from people like Jessica Biel and Don Draper (who last night wanted it so bad from the teacher running around the grass in her bare feet). When you came to this blog you knew what “wanting it” was, but you may have not known that Kristen Stewart’s “wanting it” was paramount. From your comments I can judge that now your eyes have been opened and you can see that light that Kristen Stewart is “wanting it”-ness. Seeing her wanting it may have been difficult at first. You may have rebelled against the idea. The light of Kristen Stewart’s want hurt your eyes and impaired your vision. Her want is so bright it diminishes all that is around it and all that awaits your eyes from now on. But after a time, you grow accustomed to that want. You now can see the never ending want that Kristen Stewart has and you can see the glimpses of want in others and can recognize the flaws in them.

And now, when you return to the cave and try to tell the others of the light they will not understand. They are stuck staring at the shadows. They only know the shadows. They only know of George Clooney’s want or Angelina Jolie’s want, they only know of this false reality. When you speak to them of Kristen Stewart’s want and its radiance they will look upon you as being corrupted by this light that they have not seen. How could someone possibly want it that much and all the time? They will fear you and your words. That fear will turn to anger and they will organize to kill you.

At least that is what happens in “the allegory of the cave”. Consequently, the world has this website. Sure the light emanating from this site will hurt your eyes, but I believe my humorous message mixed with the unflinching truth that “Kristen Stewart wants IT” will be able to help easily transition the masses from shadow watching ignoramuses to intelligent headstrong philosophical Kristen Stewart stalkers…. err fans…. At least, fans of how much Kristen Stewart wants IT.

30 Responses to “I Don’t Remember Plato Wanting IT Like This”

  1. Limeslice said

    This felt so completely tailored to me – in that I attempt “allegory of the cave” jokes frequently – that I don’t even know what to say in a comment… I just needed to acknowledge its greatness. Acknowledged. Tons of win. Thank you.

    • Freya said

      Someday when we meet, Lime, we will sit, have a drink together, talk about theater and So You Think You Can Dance. And you will make an Allegory of the Cave joke.

      And I. Will. Laugh.

      (I would have gotten it even before this posting, but now I will really laugh. Really.)

  2. Janetrigs said

    Love how Plato’s allergory of the cave is used to demonstrate the ultimate want. Finally something that the Political Science major could identify more with. Thank you for showing me the light.

    Love you! Mean it!

    PS Brookie, You can be Margene, FINE! Even though I also like the sexy times. But I will be happy to be the bitchy 2nd wife, whose effing hot! Just call me, Janeki!

  3. Janetrigs said

    And sorry I spelled shizz wrong, I forget to self edit. But I do love laundry & frisbees so I’m kewl.

  4. There’s so much goodness here that I cannot contain my glee.

    1. I’m wearing a bathing suit now, as I type this. I do not lie. I’m vacationing at the beach…drinking Pacifico…eating chips and salsa. Right. This. Very. Minute. Alas, it’s not a bikini…it’s a 1-piece. That’s what you wear when you’re the mother of 2, the wife of 2, and the sister-wife of many. The Commodores famously sang about my status…hence, the wearing of the one-piece. Ahem.

    2. If you’re wondering if I just made a CD for a dear friend, with MC Hammer’s “Turn This Mutha Out” on it…I did. There was not a hint of irony in selecting it for that particular CD, which I titled “Bring The Noise.” Hammer always brings it. Always.

    3. Dude, Don Draper was so wanting the barefooted, Maypole-ing teacher last night. But you know who wanted it more? PEGGY! She was wanting it…in her flannel nightgown…singing “Bye-Bye Birdie.” She wanted it almost as much as Kristen Stewart Wants it. But not quite. ‘Cause she got it on with that total douchebag, just to prove to herself that she has some of Joan’s swagger. (For the record–I love Peggy–but she has NONE of Joanie’s swagger. Yet.)

    4. I’m taking Rob AND Kristen into that cave. You may come, too. Ahem.
    (I don’t care who you are, that gal is SMOKIN’ HOT with those legs…in that faux army get up. I’m not a lesbian, but she gives me pause. Cough-cough…)

    5. A round of applause for me, please. As I’m at the beach. Reading of the want. That not only makes me a hardcore fan, but also further cements my status as wife #1.

    I’m jumping in the pool now…THE END.

  5. tiffanized said

    This reminds me of the Old Testament story where Moses wants to see God’s glory, but God says, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” (Exodus 33:20). I feel like we are merely in the cleft of the rock, and Kristen Stewart has yet to unleash the fullness of her want upon us, for if she did our brows would be singed, our eyes desiccated, and we would be rendered mute. She is the messiah of want, the chosen one. (Quoting Scripture above counts as my Jesus points for the week, so you can find me in bed next Sunday morning with a bowl of Captain Crunch instead of at church.)

    • Lula said

      As a graduate of the world’s largest Christian university, I can say with all the love in my heart…you had me at “in the cleft of the rock.”

      Kristen doesn’t hide in the cleft of the rock, though. Her shiz is on display. And she’s wanting it. Always.

      And, because I’m a good Christian gal, I will say that the rocks ain’t gonna cry out for me…or for Kristen Stewart. Even though she wants it as badly as she does.

      p.s. Love that I’m still cool as beans even though I went to the world’s largest Christian university. Over a decade ago. Yeah, I’m cool. Don’t judge.

      • tiffany said

        As a graduate of one of the most obscure
        Christian universities I too am impressed by your cleft in the rock reference Tiff.
        By the way my major was philosophy the only girl at my school in my major all four years whoop whoop.thanks for the anicent philosophy / epistemology refresher. At one point in this “lecture” I thought you had to be my old prof. Since you kept using his exact quotes that I have heard for the last four years. Uhhh. Jack is that you?

  6. HeyyyBrother said

    Your strongly-worded threatening email to WordPress.com was a masterpiece. I enjoy a man that will speak his mind and isn’t afraid to stand up for what he believes in… even if it is just for pictures of scantily clad women. We all have a mission, and you’ve chosen wisely.

    You will get said bikini pictures when we get Speedo pictures. Actually, grape smugglers do nothing for me… Board shorts would be nice enough. Or, let’s face it, I’d really just like to see your eyes that are the essence of all that is blue, so a head shot would suffice.

    You (and by you, I mean the idyllic image I have of you in my head) get sexier and sexier by the post. I’m no longer my declaration of love for you and my willingness to marry a complete stranger is said entirely in jest. But seriously, I’d want a dog. If it means bringing that neon Acapulco shirt and some MC Hammer cassettes into the bedroom, then I’m willing to accommodate that request.

    Thank you for today’s very enlightening and educational post. If you do nothing else with your life, you can die a happy man knowing that you have successfully justified pedophilia in 400 BC. Well done.

  7. S dot Cinni said

    1. Tiffanized is a very lovely member of the female blogging community (paraphrased by Jordan). Good for you.

    2. If the world of forms offers us anything, it is a reminder of what a good blog is. This is certainly not the case with KSWI. Take this blog and stuff it up your ass.

    *** edited by Jordan ***

    • Lula said

      Why does Nell Carter keeping hanging out here? Like…whatever, girl…keep spewing your vitriol. We don’t care.

      But what we DO care about is this: are you ever gonna find out what happened to your piece of the cake? I’m certain your lack of bakery goodness explains your surly attitude.

      Go play on some Zac Efron website. It’s more your style.

    • HeyyyBrother said

      The almighty Jordan has intervened in the comments! He’s thwarted Nell! Rejoice!

    • tiffanized said

      I appreciate your futzing with the comment, but I think Nell just said that my knockers were huge (maybe I’m just remembering it the way I want to), which is completely true. They’re massive.

      Anyway, Nell here is the perfect example of someone who fears your words about Kristen Stewart’s want. She is probably organizing to kill you right now, just as it has been spoken. Fear not, Jordan, as you have a small army of bikini-clad, huge-knockered wives to defend you against the infidels.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Yeah, I “futzed” with the comment. KSWI is a place where women are supposed to be comfortable showing pictures of themselves in bathing suits (one piece or two or three if that is possible, what about a ‘none’ piece bathing suit – zero piece?) and I really don’t want “Nell” to ruin that.

        “Nell” didn’t say anything bad you’re right and honestly your affirmation of the comment and the picture itself made for the best Monday. But I have a chivalry streak in me. The other time “Nell” made negative comments you all jumped on “Nell” before I even had a chance to see “Nell’s” comment, which is incredible. This time I was more or less stalking my own website seeing if “Tiffanized” was going to post any more pictures or if someone else was going to and I just felt like I couldn’t let that comment just sit there, just in case.

        It would have been the worst day ever if a girl with huge knockers and looks great in a bikini was turned away from my site by a random comment from “Nell Carter”.

        While I’m commenting, Happy Birthday Dave Chappelle. Great comments today ladies. Work is a lot easier to get through reading your responses.

  8. Heather said

    Oh dear. I have to comment after the hater comment. I feel like I need to defend you here. However, I have this crazy theory that the hater my in fact know you in real life and enjoys taunting you because the two of you have some sort of skewed friendship where you’re actually very pithy and cruel to each other, but it turns out funny. Embrace my run-on sentence.

    In either case, let’s not be bitter to each other. Let’s be loving.

    Excellent post. I was in Costco the other day musing about how KS’s want is kind of like a Costco size of want…comparatively.

  9. Lula said

    See that? The above comment? Yeah, that’s Heather, also known as my soul sister, separated at birth. She gets me. She gets Jordan. She gets this website.

    Heather wins. That is all.
    (Love you, Heather. And Jordan. I’m going back to the beach. And I don’t mean that in an Annette Funicello way, either.)

  10. beesue said

    Hmmmm….funny…..never thought of Rob Pattison as a shadow of the want!!! You HAVE opened my eyes….there is no way he can compete with the pureness of the Kristen WANT!!!!

    Thank you for this wonderous educational experience!

  11. Hermes said

    Do you think Kstews Wanting IT is rubbing off on Rob? I mean look at that pic of the two of them. He’s giving out that same dimwitted look that Ben Stiller’s character (Derek Zoolander) in Zoolander used to give… on the other hand… maybe he was always dimwitted and we just did not notice and it was Stewies “Wanting IT” that brought it all out.
    The amazing power of Wanting IT.

    Oh yeah.. re: Plato.
    He was cool, except for that pedophile thing.

    • sparknealey said

      Hermes, did you mean that Rob is dropping “Magnum” on us a la Derek Zoolander?? loved it!!

      Also, just heard “Pray” on the way to Paul McCartney concert last week and screamed “turn it up”. But if KStew really, really wants it, we got to pray just to make it today. xoo

  12. Proselyte3 said

    Bikini photos…well done Jordan! Always best to just be direct and put it out there (that’s what she…again, never mind.) Why beat around the bush? Alright, I’m stopping now. I’m really a huge prude in RL…just ask any of my other wife-sisters around these parts. True words. It must be the want.

    Any day I can hang with a witty and intelligent man, whilst talking of bikinis and Plato’s, ‘Theory of Forms’, is a good times. Why must you be so fabulous?

  13. newtonandyorkiehavethebestlinesEVER said

    thank you so much for answering my request, i appreciate it.

    this post was amazing. really. very well writen, you nailed the connection to the stewie and the email to wordpress, hilarious.

    you’re always surprising me, i don’t know where you get these ideas from.

    are you, maybe, a teacher? hahaha

    “Kristen Stewart is the living embodiment of the Form of “wanting it” ” truer sentence has never been spoken.

  14. aneira said

    how about a bit on woodstock.
    and how fuckin awesome it wud have been to have went.
    and how kristen stewart wud be a shining beacon in the crowd.
    or perhaps a bit on vageeth. dont know what that is..? ask me about it sometime and ill tell you. : ]

  15. Oli said

    Geez, when Kristen squeezes her boobs like that in the 2nd pic. I WANT IT FROM HER!

  16. cledbo said

    I feel it’s important that the police are made aware of any and all websites not supporting the posting of bikini clad women.

    I know there’s a picture somewhere of KStew in the wacky-tabac-kini, but work’s stupid firewall won’t let me search for it.

    Might as well combine 2 great things in life – swimwear and Kristen Stewart’s want!

    It’s winter down here at the moment, so I can’t contribute to the cossie-fest just yet – something for you to look forward to and keep blogging for!

  17. I make a demand for an About ME tab and then just maybe I’ll think about a bikini pic. Although I will not post it, but perhaps email? We should have a way to contact our husband and Love commune leader.

  18. Susanelle said

    Who is saying, or has said, there are too many tables???

  19. StageManageThis said

    Catching up on many comments of the day. I’m in pain from my subway fall today, and I’m tired, so I’ll be brief:

    1. Well done Tiffanized! Bringing the bikini. I think you win today. You made JordonKSWI happy, and as you know, as good sister-wives, it’s our job to please our husband.

    2. Actually, it’s Nell. Nell Ruth Carter, born 1948 died 2003 (insert sad clown here). Unless you’re confirming that you’re name is really Nel, spelled N-e-l. Either way, I am both intrigued and afeared of you. Kind of like how I feel about midgets. Intrigued and afeared. (Also, for the record, that was not a typo. It was Shakespeare.)

    3. A word of advice for you, Nel: we are here for fun, and your comments (which no one denies that you are you are entitled to express) are one day going to really insult some very intelligent women. Who I care about. They are my friends, and I hope that they’d say the same for me. Just sayin’.

    4. Kudos to you JordanKSWI. I love that you’ve created this bitter lonely ‘Nel’ characted to fuel the fire as it were, and get us going. Not only do you write a BRILLIANT blog, but you pose as your own hater.

    5. Welcome to you BoyJordan! Glad you’re here. Maybe we can call you Jordicorn and JordanKSWI will remain as such. Or you can be BoyJordan. Like Boy George, but without the chameleon. Wait, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a karma chameleon? Does he come and go?

    6. Don’t forget the sunscreen bathing beauties!!!

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