No.

Before I explain, I have to address another taboo issue that is all on our minds: polygamy. I have already tackled the issue of “monkey milk” which was the previous 800 pound elephant in the room. In actuality, that is not that big of an elephant. Sure it would be weird to be sitting in a room with a group of people, strangers and/or friends, and there would also be a living, breathing, pooping, and maybe trying to eat someone’s hair with its long trunk elephant in that exact same room and no one is talking about it.

Person in the room: “So did you see District 9 over the weekend? I saw it and I don’t get what all the hype was about. It was about just a bunch of aliens eating cat food. What’s the big deal?”

Me: “First, we’re not friends anymore. If we did consider ourselves ‘friends’ then that is over and you will never redeem yourself in my eyes from the comments you just made. I don’t want to necessarily wish cancer on you for your complete lack of critical praise for the best movie of 2009 thus far, but I will wish on you similar symptoms that will prove to be painful, but in the end not life threatening. Second, THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! Does anyone else see it!?! Did someone slip acid into my Yoo-Hoo like it is 1972 and we’re watching Emerson, Lake & Palmer play their classic jam ‘From the Beginning’?”

In that scenario, I was alive in 1972 and I drink Yoo-Hoo. These are two falsehoods. I do enjoy “From the Beginning” by British supergroup Emerson, Lake & Palmer. Regardless of the size of an elephant in the room it should be talked about. Whether the elephant is a child-like 800 pounds or a full grown 15,000 pound African elephant, you talk about it; you have to talk about it. Let me just further the point, you need to talk about the elephant in the room because in life you will be in more rooms where there are no elephants in them. Unless you live in an elephant cage or unless you are in fact an elephant yourself. If that is the case, elephants have finally taken over and RUN! There will be no survivors in the ELEPHANT APOCALYPSE.

Polygamy. I guess there was a time when I thought polygamy was wrong. It might have been when I was a child and held onto a more conservative definition to what a marriage should be. But between my ever growing fear of elephants rising up and waging war on our cities, me losing my faith in God during the 1994 Major League Baseball strike, and my eventual realization that my life’s purpose will be illuminating the eager masses to the truth that Kristen Stewart wants it – at some point I got over the idea of polygamy being a big deal. That and watching Big Love.

Honestly, it doesn’t seem like a bad gig if you can handle all the problems. Bill Paxton has opened my eyes to my new stance on polygamy: if you are consensual adults and up to the challenge of dealing with the chaos of having several crazy women as your wives and raising a buttload (mathematical term) of kids then go for it. I’m not going to stop you. That would be like someone telling me they want to run a marathon everyday for 100 days. Good luck. I’m not going to help, but I’m not going to talk you out of it. If you can accomplish that goal then you deserve a medal.

With that being said, the comments section of KSWI needs to be addressed apparently. I have been receiving marriage proposals I think from a few people, although there are the standouts who have mentioned it in numerous posts. I would be willing if you all can agree on a polygamist marriage and  we will all get married. I am not going to decide on the arrangement of wives either. You can argue amongst yourselves about who is the first wife, second wife and so forth. Also it would be really helpful if you were all hot like how it is on Big Love. Also if you were good at doing laundry would help. I hate doing laundry. I mean I do it. I’m not sitting in my own filth over here. Hot and laundry-able would be great.

 

My main responsibility as husband is to be funny everyday which I think I can manage because I’m already doing it for free over here. I do have a regular 9-5 job, but I doubt my salary will be enough to raise numerous families on so you’ll have to keep your jobs as well. I will help in making sure any and all children will be raised properly in all the works of the one true God. By that I mean they’ll be Pittsburgh Steelers’ fans (BLACK AND GOLD!!!), their favorite album will be Surfer Rosa by The Pixies, if you’re going to properly rear naked choke someone you push the person’s head down with your one arm and squeeze tight around their neck with your other arm cutting off the blood flow of the carotid arteries to their brain, and that Kristen Stewart wants it more that anyone ever always.

Anyway, I do read the comments, all of them. I do really enjoy reading them. This site hasn’t been running on a regular basis for a month yet, so my main focus is trying to write new material almost everyday. I wasn’t expecting to write something new everyday and was actually trying to do a Monday, Wednesday, Friday update schedule. But you (plural) want it so much. The feedback I have been getting has compelled me to write every day of the week. You just want it so bad; it makes me want to give it to you (the funny and the other things) so then you’ll continue coming back and wanting it more. So keep up the good work and hopefully I will as well. I do appreciate it.

Kristen Stewart would not make for a good girlfriend.

Simply, the positives do not out-weigh the negatives to dating Kristen Stewart. I didn’t phrase the question of “would Kristen Stewart be a good girlfriend?” because that I do not know. I don’t know if Kristen Stewart would cheat on you or make you watch Picket Fences re-runs everyday of the week or one day snap from wanting it so much that she ties you up behind a Dunkin’ Donuts and attacks you with gardening shears. I don’t know if she would do any of those things. What I do know is that Kristen Stewart wanting it so much and all the time would prove to be too great of a burden on a relationship.

Kristen Stewart’s “want” would be cool at first. It would be great at first. It would be the best thing ever at first. A guys’ ego is fragile and it does need constant upkeep. Kristen would be all about that. A guy will have that doubt in the back of his head that will whisper every once and a while “is this chick into me?” For Kristen Stewart, yes! Every time she looks at you it would be an emphatic YES YES I WANT IT! You would be riding high on this. If I’m wearing my shitty sweatpants she wants it, if I’m brushing my teeth she wants it, if I’m in a tuxedo and I feel like an idiot being overdressed because everyone else is just wearing a suit with no tie even though the invitation clearly stated “black tie” – SHE WANTS IT!

 

Whatever the situation, whatever you are doing, Kristen would turn and look at you and you would feel like you are on top of the world. This chick digs me. But after a little while the epiphany will happen. You will only notice at first that she wants you. It will be all you think about. It will be such a beautiful all encompassing warmth you will feel knowing that she wants you all the time. At some point, that glowing warmth will become tainted. You will feel cold. You will feel devoid of that warmth and you will feel an endless cold covering your body like Larry King’s skin. You will realize, Kristen Stewart wants it and it’s not just from you.

No matter what Kristen is doing, who it is with, what she is looking at, who she is looking at – Kristen Stewart wants it. This will destroy your mind. Imagine you are this guy:

 

I’m not sure who that guy is, but he looks like a douche. I’m not saying you are a douche. Imagine you are in his place in this picture. Of course, you wouldn’t be looking like a douche wearing a white t-shirt to a widely publicized awards show on television. Dress like a grown up you douche. Anyway, imagine you are him. Also his hair is very douche-y. Anyway, imagine you are in his position. You are with Kristen Stewart and you are out holding hands and you feel good. Until you notice Kristen looking off to her right and she is wanting it. What the fuck is over there? Is Rob over there!?! Who is over there Kristen!?! Kristen, you better answer me! Who is over there? Who the fuck is over there!?! Don’t give me that look, Kristen! I saw you looking over there. I saw how you were looking over there and don’t look at me the exact same way and play it off like you weren’t looking over there like that. Who the fuck is over there!?!

See? That would be all day every day. That would be the same “conversation” you would have with Kristen if you were at a grocery store, a movie, a concert, a niece’s first communion. It would break you. Imagine something simple like having your parents over for dinner. You think everything is going fine until you see Kristen look at your father. What the fuck? Am I the only one seeing this shit? I can’t believe she wants it from my Dad! But then your mom asks everyone if they want a second glass of wine (because this is taking place before we have the intervention and send mom to the Betty Ford clinic so everyone is biting their tongue and trying to keep her under a bottle of wine for the night). Kristen will instinctively look at your mom when answering the question and it will start all over again in your head. WHAT!?! MY MOM!?! Kristen Stewart wants it from my mom!?!

 

This would be an ongoing problem that will never resolve itself. Even if you can learn to meditate and realize that this is just who Kristen Stewart is, she just wants it all the time, it is an indiscriminate want so I shouldn’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean she is going to act on her want, she just wants it. Nevertheless, you’ll have to constantly be checking what is it that she wants and you’ll never be at peace. You’ll never feel comfortable letting each other have alone time because you’ll need to know what is it she is wanting now. Here is a scenario:

INT – HOME – Day

In a quaint suburban home, you are sitting on the couch flipping through the digital cable guide trying to find something to watch. Kristen is in the kitchen getting a glass of water.

You notice that one of the numerous HBO movie channels has Apocalypse Now Redux on.

You: Hey honey, Apocalypse Now Redux is on. We don’t have plans for another 15 hours, right? So I think I’m going to watch it. Do you want to watch it?

Kristen: Don’t wait for me. I really don’t like the Redux. I think the additional scenes only slow the movie to a grinding halt and don’t progress the story line. Especially that half hour of them hanging out with those French people at that plantation house. That is painful to watch. (Kristen Stewart is very wise by the way and the French woman at the plantation house wants it. Not as much as Kristen of course, but she wants it a lot though.)

You: Oh ok.

After a few minutes, a nagging suspicion is in your head that Kristen is in the kitchen wanting it. You can’t shake it from your brain and you can’t focus on the movie.

You: Uh… baby, what are you doing in there?

Kristen: Nothing.

But you know she isn’t doing “nothing”. She is wanting it in there.

You: I’m not going to watch the movie anymore. So can you come back in here?

– Fade to black –

That would be your life. It would be hell. Kristen Stewart’s want is more than one man or woman can handle. Kristen may need to start watching Big Love and get into polygamy like I have.

The best way to start off a conversation is with the following words “I don’t want to sound racist, but…” It is a sure fire attention grabber trust me. Even though the person is saying they don’t want to sound racist they inevitably sound racist with the very next words. It is great. They might as well say “I’m about to say something racist so listen up.”

With that being said… I don’t want to sound racist, but if you watch Mad Men then you’re probably white. I love the show, but there are no black people on it. I know it is the 60’s and people were racist (thank God we solved that problem), but black people were around. I don’t think they’ve ever had a Hispanic person on the show either. Nevertheless, it is a great show because all the guys wear suits, the women are all in high heels and tight dresses, they get to drink at work, and no one had ever heard of sexual harrassment.

The protagonist, Don Draper, is a prime example of someone who wants it. Don Draper wants it so much almost all the time. If he doesn’t want it he usually is thinking about how many women he recently has had sex with which is understandable. But Don Draper is a fictional character. Even in this fictional world where Don Draper could potentially want it in every scene because there are endless takes and no reprecussions for him wanting it – he still doesn’t want it as much as Kristen Stewart.

He is played by Jon Hamm who wasn’t in anything notable up until Mad Men. In real life, Jon Hamm never seems to want it. He uses all of his want when playing Don Draper. It is almost like a split personality where he has compartmentalized all of his want into his alter-ego Don Draper. Jon Hamm in real life is goofy and relaxed all the time because he is so drained from wanting it so much as Don Draper.

Bam! Look at that. Don Draper wants it. It looks like he is coming off a train and then BAM he wants it. Imagine you’re just living your boring ordinary life and you were on that same train. You feel tired and empty from another day of work. Just completely and utterly soulless from shilling out your life at some meaningless job. Just another day closer to dying. And then you make your obligatory turn to look to see if the train left to see if it is too late to throw yourself in front of it to end this charade once and for all and…. then BAM!!!! Don Draper is wanting a hole right through you! Exhilirating.

KA-BLAM! He nearly broke that door down with his want. I bet Draper didn’t even have to touch the door. He walked towards it and wanted it open like he was Professor X. Don Draper wants it. Don Draper wants it like a shotgun blast in your face. That door opens up and KA-BLAM(!) you’re hit with two barrels of want buckshot.

RAT-A-TAT-TAT! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! The “Double D” Don Draper machine gun of want is tearing January Jones to shreds. He is lighting her up with all this want. He is spraying her with want bullets. Emptying clip after clip of want into January Jones. It’s like Sonny getting killed in The Godfather. His eyes are everywhere just shooting want at all of January Jones. It is a static picture so I’m assuming the last part of his eyes moving everywhere. January Jones is gorgeous so my eyes are going everywhere and Don Draper is not catatonic so his eyes can move, so… Draper is like the Terminator in Terminator 2: Judgement Day and his eyes……

Want grenade! Draper pulls the pin and then throws it and it’s just like…. actually Don Draper doesn’t want it in this picture at all. Not even in the least bit. This is what I’m talking about how other people take a break with their “wanting it” meanwhile Kristen Stewart doesn’t. I remember that this woman had messed up legs in the show, but that wouldn’t stop Kristen Stewart. She would sit there and still shine a beacon of want onto that woman with the crazy legs that would profoundly change that woman’s life. Kristen Stewart’s want may correct that woman’s legs. It is so powerful it could fix what God made broken.

It might not, but it “could”. Either way, Don Draper doesn’t want it here which shows his want is great, but fallable.

Again, here is Don Draper completely not wanting it. He is confused, thinking, trying to figure out the tangled mess his life is in. Don Draper is deciding what should he do. Should he leave his beautiful wife January Jones and their two kids? Should he run away with the Jewish department store owner? Should he just start over with a new girl in a new city with a new name like he has done before? What about his job? Should he quit his job because he is still under the thumb of numbers men who only care about money and don’t care about what creative brilliance Draper does each and every day at work? There is so much racing through his mind.

Or he could be shit faced drunk and can’t remember how to light a cigarette. He drinks a lot on that show. Like way too much. So much it is crazy to think that he makes any sense at all when he talks. If I drank that much I would have peed myself in that office, thrown up on everything and would be crying, “JUST GET THIS BOOZE OUT OF ME! I’m tired of being blasted drunk all the time.”

Three in a row. He doesn’t want it at all right here. Don Draper look surprised in this picture. He also looks like a little old lady in this picture. It looks like he has a wool blanket over his legs. He might be surprised because he didn’t think he could ever look like a little old lady, but he does.

BOOM! Yeah, he wants it. Don Draper is back. Good Christ he wants it. It’s almost disgusting how much he wants it in this picture. I feel sick from how much he wants it. But it is a good sick. Like eating too much chocolate type of sick.

Do you remember that small dinosaur in Jurassic Park who eats Newman from Seinfeld? Remember when it was about to attack that neck frill came up and it started screaming? That is what Don Draper is doing, but for humans.

Let’s try to understand where all this want is coming from…

The two main areas where want come from are the “eyes” and “mouth”. Want can exit the body from any number of places on the human body, but these are two hot zones.

Don Draper’s eyes are exhibiting an intense amount of want. You feel as if there is a force about to burst through your computer monitor from all this want. His mouth is also displaying large amounts of want especially the slightly curved left part of his mouth.

These circles can be used for other things…

Don Draper wants it as an astronaut. He has all the things an astronaut needs here: astronaut helmet, the moon, a bottle of XXX and skull & crossbones scotch and a gun. Astronauts have guns, right? They use them to kill aliens because astronauts are basically cops in outterspace.

Don Draper wants it while snorkeling. Yes, that is the lost city of Atlantis. Don Draper is good at snorkeling. Not something that is mentioned enough on Mad Men. A couple of cute fish in the picture as well. I like the green one the most. He has a cheery disposition even though he is fat and his blue spots are not at all symmetrical. He is comfortable with his imperfections and shows a lot of confidence.

Don Draper does want it. He wants it a lot. He wants it coming off a train, he wants it walking through doors, he wants it when he is deep sea snorkeling. On the flip side, his want does falter and there are times when he doesn’t want it, namely when he is around the handicapped. But what about the guy who plays Don Draper. What about Jon Hamm?

FUCK! Ugh. I threw up. Wow. That is awful. I found this picture on some website and it was actually named “Jon Hamm looks terrible”. Yeah, he does not want it here. Nor should he. He should be ashamed of himself. It is particularly bad because he has the ability to look like Don Draper. If I could look like Don Draper and then someone took a picture of me when I was looking like this, I would have chased that person down, destroyed their camera, and killed them so they would never be able to tell anyone about this incident of me looking this bad.

Not wanting it. Jon Hamm is cold here. He is not wanting it. He is with Tina Fey who is also cold, nor does she want it. And by cold I don’t mean personality wise, they seem like charming people who if approached on the streets would be affable. I mean literally it looks like they are freezing in the snow and their lack of want is helping progress how cold they are.

Kristen Stewart can walk around the artic in her weed bikini and she wouldn’t notice the cold. She wants it too much to notice simple things like weather, appropriate clothes, and hypothermia.

In conclusion, Jon Hamm can want it. He can want it a ton, but only when he is Don Draper.

That might as well be the Hiroshima of want. It is an atom bomb of want that destroys an entire city, contaminates the soil and drinking water for generations, and brings a powerful country to its knees.

But…

This is Nagasaki.

Before I get to Kristen Stewart and how much she wants it, I wanted to say I do read the comments. Thank you for them and, of course, keep them coming. I did want to address the question about my… ummm… gender. I am a man. In fact, I am a MAN. I am a man who writes about a lady. So, a “lady-man” or a “man-lady”. At the very least, a man who writes about a lady while wearing ladies underwear.

It is a well-known secret, in the writers’ biz, that many of the greatest writers of all time wore ladies underwear while they wrote. A great example is Jane Austen. It is widely accepted that Jane Austen wore ladies underwear exclusively while writing all of her classic works. This tradition has carried on for centuries and even continues to this day. JK Rowling has been rumored to have worn ladies underwear while she wrote the international commercial success Harry Potter series. The word on the street is that Rowling still wears ladies underwear, which doesn’t necessarily mean that she will crank out another Potter series, but it is a good sign nonetheless.

Many of the most respected faces of the 20th century also wore ladies underwear. One of my heroes, Peter Jennings wore ladies underwear. It was a tradition that began in the late 60’s when he established ABC’s Middle East bureau in Lebanon. As one can imagine there were not many amenities available for Peter in that war torn area of the world. Apparently, one day while walking through a street market in Beirut a man was selling silk ladies underwear. As you can imagine they were not a hot commodity in Lebanon at the time and the man was having trouble making ends meet. This Lebanese man was born with a silver tongue and convinced Peter into buying a pair. He explained that this city, this country is rough and covered in sand and dirt. Wouldn’t you want something smooth and delicate to remind you of a better life? With that Peter Jennings bought his first pair of silk ladies underwear.

At first, Peter used to carry them around in his pocket and when the horrors of the Middle East started to creep into his mind he would simply feel the smooth fabric between his finger tips. By the end of 1971, Jennings began to wear the silk ladies underwear at all times and his confidence was never higher. He owned that foreign correspondent’s position in Lebanon and in 1974 he came back to the US of A as a news anchor for ABC’s new morning program AM America.

In the mid-70’s, Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw overlapped as correspondents in Washington DC. It was during this time that Brokaw found out about his competitor’s secret. They were really friends and not rivals and with that Jennings suggested that Brokaw should begin wearing silk ladies underwear as well. Brokaw knew, just like America learned to know, that Peter Jennings told you the truth and he told it to you straight. If he said wearing silk ladies underwear would make him a better broadcaster for the American people then he would do just that. Supposedly, Tom Brokaw has worn silk ladies underwear ever since.

If you want to be the best, you need to learn from the best. If wearing ladies underwear has helped giants in their own fields like Jane Austen, JK Rowling, Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw then maybe it will help you in yours. I am not saying that it will be an instant win soon as you start wearing ladies underwear. But if it can help even in the slightest doesn’t that little bit matter? I have even heard that Brokaw took it a step further while writing The Greatest Generation and would wear a pair of lace up high heels as an extra boost. But frankly, I think that’s gay.

All the above is true. I am a man, Jane Austen wore ladies underwear, Peter Jennings is a hero of mine, and a guy in high heels wrote The Greatest Generation.

So…………… Kristen Stewart’s action figure wants it.

This really should not be a shock to anyone including me, but Kristen Stewart’s action figure wants it. It certainly makes sense. By the way, I refuse to call that thing a “doll”. Nothing that wants it that badly is a “doll”. “Wanting it” is an action and, thus, it is an action figure.

At some point whoever made these action figures had to sit down with the Twilight cast and get a good look at them to then render them in plastic. They sat down with Robert Pattinson and he looked broody and his hair was sticking up. That is easy enough.

As for Kristen, she showed up to their meeting looking like she always does: wanting it. I would imagine this meeting lasted quite a bit longer. They would have been transfixed, caught in her gaze. They would have talked aloud in a hushed tone as if whispering the true name of God. Each word delicately formed passing through their lips. Lightly exhaling their breadth over these words like wrapping a blanket around them to keep them warm in this cold universe.

“How does one create such want? How can we, mere men, sculpt this want onto the face of millions of lifeless figures?”

And then Kristen turned her head and spoke:

“You are the Lord’s children. You have seen my want. Now go and make your art.”

Or she probably said something like, “Are you dudes done staring at my face?” Then left the room and jumped into a limo with Robert Pattinson and went to a Kings of Leon concert where they maybe or maybe not made out (Schrodinger’s Cat, anyone?).

It really looks like Kristen Stewart’s action figure wants it, which is accurate, but why would a kid want to buy it? Barbie has a house, car, skis, a gun (?), make-up and loads of other things. Barbie even has a pony. She has a horse! I guess a kid may want this action figure because clearly no other action figure wants it like this one does. Nevertheless, I feel like Kristen Stewart’s action figure needs to have a horse.

I could imagine this action figure riding a horse. I can also imagine Tom Brokaw in silk ladies underwear and high heels writing The Greatest Generation. I have not read the Twilight books so I don’t know if KS rides horses in them, but they should just starting packaging her action figure with a horse. Actually better yet, I think the real Kristen Stewart should be packaged with a horse. Am I wrong?

I think Kristen Stewart looks like she should be riding a horse. I don’t mean the stoned zombie-like Kristen Stewart or the androgynous-maybe-I-was-raised-for-a-few-years-as-a-boy Panic Room Kristen Stewart or The Runaways spiky black Kristen Stewart. I’m talking the classic long flowing hair Kristen Stewart. I think her riding high on horseback, wanting it, with her hair dancing in the wind, still wanting it, seems like it would be a natural fit. Now the question is, has she ever ridden a horse in a movie? I honestly can’t remember.

Did she ride a horse in Twilight? I remember she rode Robert Pattinson like a horse. You can take that comment sexually if you want, but she does ride him like a horse for speedy transportation purposes several times throughout the movie. Actually, he was ridden as if he was a horse and she rode him like she was a spider-monkey.

Kristen Stewart wants it. Kristen Stewart’s action figure wants it. Kristen Stewart would still want it riding a horse, but now she would have a higher vantage point to see over the road that lies ahead of her like when you are driving an SUV. So have I ever seen Kristen Stewart riding a horse in a movie? If I have not then I think someone needs to make this happen.

About once a week, I will read the “news” headlines from IMDB.com. IMDB is a great website, but their “news” (again in quotes) section is easily the dumbest writing on the internet which is saying a lot. The idiocy is in such high concentration in these “news” stories that it may siphon off IQ points reading them. But this does leave one with an almost light-headed high as if you just did a whippit which is the feeling of getting stupider.

The “news” stories are not “news” nor are they “stories”. Generally, they are some wildly mundane topic like “Kate Winslet Eats Crab Cakes” which is followed by a couple sentences about how Kate ate a crab cake at some point in the past 10 years. This wonderfulness is then verified with a one sentence quote from the celeb like “Oh right, I did eat a crab cake while on a press junket tour for Neverland in 2004.” And then I pantomime shooting myself in the head with a gun full of bullets.

Going through this odd ritual, I have seen a lot of stories about Kristen Stewart or linked to her. Here are a few that I found particularly noteworthy:

Stewart Switches Cars To Avoid Paparazzi

Private Twilight star Kristen Stewart has found a way of avoiding the paparazzi on nights out with friends – she switches cars in underground car parks.

The young star is hounded by eager photographers everywhere she goes and now has to use top espionage manoeuvres to escape them.

She tells Entertainment Weekly magazine, “You go into an underground parking garage and get into another car – and then you can leave. Once I’m away, I’m fine. I can totally go out.”

First, that is not how you spell “maneuvers”.

Second, I will admit this is a step up from Kristen putting on a baseball hat and simply wishing no one will recognize her. But I think “top espionage maneuvers” is a little hyperbolic. Kristen isn’t being tracked by the KGB. She isn’t out there on the frontlines giving the slip to the Secret Service. She is outsmarting the paparazzi, which is Italian for “sniveling simpleton scumbags”.

The main responsibility of the paparazzi is to sit outside hotels or nightclubs waiting for any and all celebrities to show their faces so they can snap some pictures and hopefully provoke that celebrity into attacking them. Not to sound cynical, but you’re not going to mistake any of these people for Rhodes scholars.  

The paparazzi are just unwashed stalkers who carry $1000 cameras and have no discernable talent. They are not even good photographers. I’ve never seen a photo of Cameron Diaz walking her cat and drinking a latte and thought to myself, “Exquisite. The way her arm is bent and picking up the cat poop is a natural sight line that leads back to her exposed thong and creates such wonderful movement in the frame. Whatever genius crafted this work of art give them my card!”

In the above scenario I have business cards. I would like business cards.

Jennie Garth Knows About Robert Pattinson’s Love Life, But Won’t Tell

Jennie Garth knows about the love life of nowadays movie hottie Robert Pattinson, but she won’t let slip if he is dating someone or not. The actress apparently learns about the matter from her husband Peter Facinelli who stars alongside the British actor in last year’s film “Twilight”.

Speaking to reporters at the T.J. Maxx and Save the Children’s Back to School Program last week, Jennie said Peter comes home and tells her things about his co-stars, and Robert is not an exception. Pressed to confirm if Robert is dating, Jennie insisted, “I can’t say. That will be breaking my promise to my husband. But I do know.”

Since earning his fame after starring as Edward Cullen in “Twilight”, Robert Pattinson has been romantically linked to a bunch of females in Hollywood entertainment business. His on-screen lover Kristen Stewart was one of them, but either of them have denied they are dating.

Jennie Garth is a bitch. Peter Facinelli is a tattletale. Celebrity reporters are idiots.

So Jennie Garth is at some charity event for kids and these douche-nozzles are asking her about who Robert Pattinson is screwing. I hope they were really graphic questions all within ear shot of the kids. “Hey Jennie, Jennie Garth, over here. Yeah I’ve got a question. Who is Robert Pattinson putting the wood to these days? Yeah, I was wondering if your gossipy school girl husband tells you any juicy stories about Robert Pattinson banging sluts. Also I think it is great what you and T.J. Maxx are doing for these kids. Stay in school kids so you don’t wind up being an ass wipe like me.”

I hate teases. Jennie playing coy saying she knows, but she’s not telling. Well then shut the fuck up. How about that? Later when Jennie and Peter are having dinner together and she tells him how she teased the reporters, I bet Peter snickers. Actually snickers. Ugh it makes me so furious thinking about that. I hate people who tease and people who snicker. They are the worst. Those people and Nazis are the worst. Also axe murderers, I hate axe murderers. And Shia LaBeouf, he is up there on the “types of people I hate” list.

Stewart Laughs Off Pregnancy Rumours

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was left baffled by a string of recent tabloid rumours which hinted at a possible pregnancy – because they were sparked when she was seen on a movie set with her “pants undone”.

Stewart admits she was stunned when several U.S. tabloids sensationally claimed she was pregnant with her co-star Robert Pattinson’s baby – because they aren’t even dating.

The actress has laughed off the stories and reveals all the rumours were started when she was spotted with a button undone on her jeans.

And Stewart is perplexed by how such a small detail can be so overblown by the tabloid press.

She tells Entertainment Weekly magazine, “It’s so absurd. I walk out of my trailer with my pants undone – and they think I’m pregnant? I mean, really? They think I’m pregnant? Come on! Like, dude, I don’t get it.”

Well said, Kristen Stewart and/or Keanu Reaves from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

So Kristen Stewart exited her trailer with her pants undone and the reporters assumed she was pregnant. That is a leap in logic I would have never made in a 1000 years. If we were playing a game of “scenario boggle” and you said “Kristen Stewart is walking around with her pants undone, write down every possible scenario why this is happening?” I can say in all certainty I would never write down “she’s pregnant”. I may say she’s getting fat or lazy, but I wouldn’t think her pants being undone is because the miracle of life is happening in her tummy.

Who sees a person with their pants undone and immediately assumes they are pregnant? Am I missing something and pregnant chicks can’t button their pants? Hey man, is that chick’s pants undone… she must be pregnant. Honestly my first assumption if I saw some chick with her pants undone is that she just fucked some guy. If I saw Kristen coming out of a trailer with her pants undone I probably would have said “I think Kristen Stewart just got done fucking some dude in that trailer.” And then I would have waited around to see if some sweaty looking guy came out.

I think there is the possibility that Kristen had no direct hand in the unbuttoning of her own pants, it could have been her “want”. This may be hard for you to believe after reading the two (TWO) quantum mechanics articles I wrote last week, but I am not a licensed scientist. I cannot quote you the tensile strength numbers on a pair of pants, but I have a couple scenarios on how her pants could have come undone. Kristen Stewart just wants it so bad that the button popped off her pants or maybe it is too difficult to button her pants because she just wants it so bad. I’m just spitballing ideas here. But I think it is safe to assume that Kristen Stewart’s want could bend metal and/or rip denim.

… for about 40 seconds. What is she doing in the movie for 40 seconds? Wanting it, of course.

Seriously, she is in the very last scene where she opens a door that Hayden Christensen is on the other side of *shivvers*. How many times have you heard a door bell or a knock at your door and wished that Hayden was on the other side of that door, am I right? So then I could STAB HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE FOR HELPING RUIN STAR WARS! What is up now Anakin? Hunh, where’s your lightsaber at bitch? It seems you are too busy crying over getting stabbed in your GD eye that you can’t use the force on me. And that was only for Revenge of the Sith! How about you start apologizing to me for Attack of the Clones before a motherfucker loses an ear up in this place! While you’re at it how about you fork over Natalie Portman’s number?

But I digress… Kristen Stewart is in Jumper for less than 40 seconds, 17 of those seconds her face is on camera. She clearly wants it in all 17 seconds. The other 23 seconds her back is to the camera and, yep, her back wants it. I won’t bother with Kristen’s back-acting shots, her back-ting shots, so I took a picture for every second she is on screen so you could see for yourself that she wants it.

A quick preface about the pictures and their shitty quality. My copy of Jumper on DVD is scratched so I couldn’t get the high… are you fucking kidding? I don’t own Jumper on DVD. That movie is terrible. So I had to take these pictures off the youtube clip above which was not only put up by “Penguins200”, but the entire clip has their stupid name on it. Thanks for the help “Penguins200”; get a better taste in movies pronto.

Yeah, she wants it.

Two seconds in and she wants it. Can she keep this up for another 15 seconds?

Yes, she can. She has an endurable want. It is like a premiere cyclist in the Tour de France. A completely juiced up, completely illegal drugs in their system premiere cyclist in the “world’s most grueling race.” Blow me France.

She’s blinking, but that does not stop the want.

She looks a little confused here. She also looks like she wants it. Needless to say Kristen is versatile as an actress.

The least flattering of the pictures. Thankfully, Kristen is good looking because although this site has only been up for a month I’ve looked at hundreds of pictures of her. It really is not a bad gig looking up pictures or videos of her on the interwebz. If it turned out that Abe Vigoda was the master of “wanting it” then I don’t think I would be as happy.

Also I’m not sure how many people would be clicking on “AbeVigodawantedIT…”, but trust me that old man wanted it. Again, thankfully not nearly as much as Kristen Stewart does.

She looks like she has buckteeth in this picture. A little rabbit-like. Not a “little rabbit”, but a “little” rabbit. Also looks like she wants it.

Woof. It’s like a demon got a hold of her in this one. The flash of light is just emphasizing the want. It is like I’m looking at an X-ray of Kristen Stewart wanting it.

Before it was confusion + want. Now it is fury + want. Honestly the scene doesn’t call for “fury” or “want”, but Kristen is giving you a good serving of both right here in this second.

Diane Lane is good looking. Josh Brolin is a smart man locking this up. I don’t care if you are black, white, young, old, gay, straight, man, woman or a hermaphrodite… you had a hard on for Diane Lane in Unfaithful. God damn those scenes are hot. That movie is better than most pornos.

If you are a hermaphrodite then you probably enjoyed those scenes more than most “regular” people who don’t have both sets of sex organs. Because the guy side of you was getting into that Unfaithful sweatiness and that girl side of you was getting into all that Unfaithful nastiness as well. That may be the most complete viewing experience of your hermaphroditic life.

Needless to say, if you are a hermaphrodite and you have not seen Unfaithful skip Netflixing it and just buy the damn DVD.

In the youtube comments section, someone said that KS has a “funny” look in her eye during this scene. That funny look is Kristen Stewart wanting it. They hypothesized it was because her and Hayden are brother and sister in the movie, but they’ve never met each other and that funny look is her recognizing on some metaphysical level that they are related. That person is an idiot.

Kristen Stewart has that look in her eye in every scene of every movie. She just wants it.

Little profile wanting it right here.

Is it just me or is that sweater doing wonders for Kristen?

It may be the angle or just a great job by the wardrobe department, but it looks like some post-production CGI work may have been happening right here.

K-Stew’s face is hard to see in this picture because of the terrible quality of youtube, but you can tell by her body language she wants it.

We have polled 1,000,000,000 billion Americans and asked them the same question, “what does Kristen Stewart want?” And our survey says!
“IT!”

If you are at all considering renting the movie Jumper this weekend because of the above musings then I have failed. I will be back Monday.

“Schrodinger’s cat” would be a great name for your shitty band, but in fact it is a very famous thought experiment. It is a hypothetical situation that was thought up by a super smart Austrian where he locks an unsuspecting living thing in a steel chamber and then gases it to death. I wonder where I have heard that before. Ahhh, I’m kidding. Schrodinger didn’t hate or kill the Jews…. At least Wikipedia doesn’t mention it. Nevertheless, I’m sure you are titillated by the whole idea so let’s get into it.

Provisions needed: a cat, a steel chamber that you cannot see in to, a Geiger counter, a tiny bit of radioactive substance, a counter tube (?), a relay, a hammer and a flask of hydrocyanic acid.

Provisions not needed: morals and ethics (they are different), an idea about treating animals humanely, knowledge of American laws against killing animals, and a dog.

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The cat and the steel chamber are easy: victim and death room. Schrodinger rigs up the rest so that if the radioactive substance decays the Geiger counter will detect it causing the counter tube (?) to discharge causing a relay to release the hammer to break the flask of acid.

Obviously, with the cat trapped in there with a broken vile of acid the fumes will kill the cat. Schrodinger sets up the death machine with his brain then dumps the cat in and waits an hour. That is the set-up. The punchline is “Is that cat dead in there? Or is it alive?”

I’m guessing most of you are thinking, “I like killing cats in fancy James Bond-esque death traps as much as the next gal, but what is the point?” Wikipedia to the rescue:

“Schrödinger’s famous thought experiment poses the question, when does a quantum system stop existing as a mixture of states and become one or the other?”

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With no evidence whether the cat is alive or dead in that steel chamber we can safely assume that there is an equal chance the cat is living or dead. The superposition would be that the cat would be both live and dead at all times. But how ridiculous is that? That is kind of Schrodinger’s point. It is ridiculous. The cat cannot be both alive and dead. If after an hour Schrodinger opens the steel chamber and finds the cat alive, does the cat have any memories of being dead? No. It wasn’t dead. It was alive the whole time. And if it is dead then Schrodinger quietly disposes of the body, goes to the closest pet store and purchases a new cat that looks as close to what the other cat looked like, when his wife comes home he pretends it is the same cat and never tells a soul what he did.

There are different ways to look at this problem. Copenhagen believed that the cat remains in a superposition until the observer opens the steel chamber and finally sees for themselves if the cat is alive or dead. Pretty much “I’ll believe it when I see it” positivist/empiricist approach. Everett’s “Many Worlds” approach was he believed that there is a world where the cat is dead and one where it is alive. When opening the box only one world persists in your world, I guess the other one floats away in a scientific fashion.

The “Ensemble” interpretation is that it really doesn’t matter what happens to one cat. Schrodinger would need to do this experiment a bunch of times and then average together the outcomes to figure out what is happening with the cat. This is also the most expensive approach because you would need to buy all those cats, acid, and radioactive material. Some of those cats are bound to die. I’ve played craps before and at some point you stop rolling 7s.

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Lastly, the “Objective Collapse” theory believes that the cat can observe itself. The cat knows whether it is living or dead. To me it is similar to “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” Of course it makes a sound. It is a heavy ass tree falling in a forest. There is no need for a third person perspective. The tree hears its own sound.

Now you’re thinking, “Fuck that cat. I hope it is dead. What about K-Stew?” Exactly, imagine Schrodinger put Kristen Stewart into the same steel chamber. We know for a fact that she still wants it while in that steel chamber. When we open that steel chamber she’ll still want it and she’ll have been wanting up until then. There is no superposition of whether or not she was wanting it in there and now we need to get all crazy in the head theorizing of how we’ll know if she wants it or not.

We know she wants it because she never does not want it, right? She’s always wanting it. In every picture she wants it. In every movie she wants it. This whole site is dedicated to how much she wants it. Do you think a steel chamber will stop her from wanting it? Heck no. This isn’t some Superman being powered by our “yellow sun” shit. Kristen Stewart fucking wants it. ‘Nuff said.

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Is she alive when we open the steel chamber? Well that’s a different story. I’m not saying Kristen Stewart is immortal. Only her wanting it is. Kristen Stewart is just as susceptible to deadly noxious fumes as an ordinary house cat. So Kristen Stewart could have died in that steel chamber, so don’t do this experiment on her.

Let me repeat, DO NOT put Kristen Stewart into a death chamber from a thought experiment specifically designed for killing cats. It is just not cool to do. You would be a real dick if you put Kristen Stewart into a steel chamber with radioactive material, a flask of acid and counter tubes (?). A real dick.

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