Take it sleazy

So I’m back you motherfuckers, did you miss me?

When I was getting off the LA to Newark plane late last night, the middle-aged man who was sitting next to me said his final words to me, “take it easy”. It made me think how much more I would have loved that man if he had said, “take it sleazy”. What a classy way to say goodbye. “We have not known each other for a long time. In fact, we did not start talking to each other until you were forced to turn your iPod off during our final descent. But we did share common heritage in growing up in New Jersey. You and I had similar beliefs on the weirdness of Californians. We both came to the same conclusion that when living in Los Angeles one must surround themselves with transplants from other major cities instead of meeting actual locals. Lastly, we both agreed that the in-flight movie I Hate Valentine’s Day was an insulting choice by Continental Airlines and we both refused to watch it. And with that I shall bid you adieu; take it sleazy.”

I will do a little bit of a recap of my trip from Friday to Monday. I will focus on some celebrities and people of sorts who I came in contact with and talk about how much they want IT. Before I begin the hilarious observational humor let me begin the beginning by giving a big thank you to the commenters who continued to comment during my much needed absence. Hopefully people will show up to read today and every other day and not think I died en route back to the East Coast. So thank you to the commenters for keeping this blog afloat and to Emma Watson for wanting it. No hyperbolism, you are truly the wind beneath my wings.

For my OCD’s sake, this is all in chronological order and not in order of hilarity. You may edit in your heads or cut and paste into Microsoft Word for better results. Way deep down south, where we play this game. It’s them KSWI Jordans and you, we call it the Want IT train!

Oscar Meyer

He fucking wanted it. When getting on the shuttle destined for Enterprise from the LAX airport, a young woman got on board with two bags: one was a mid-sized rolling carry-on and the other was a purse that was just big enough to house a long haired miniature dachshund appropriately named Oscar Meyer. Get it? Dachshund? Weiner dog? Oscar Meyer? The cleverest. But it did take the Enterprise shuttle driver a good 10 minutes to figure that joke out. I got it instantly *pats himself on the head and gives himself a doggy treat*.  

I did not get the woman’s name who was Oscar’s caretaker, but if there is any chance that she is reading this blog I just wanted to say a couple things. First, you are sooooooo pretty. Really really really pretty. You had such a wonderful smile and disposition. Even though the crazy shuttle lady was saying all these weird things to you and about you, you kept your composure and smile and didn’t fly off the handle like I would have “What!?! What did you say to me shuttle lady!?! I’ll fucking go right now! This is LA, bitch! I get crazy when I’m in different time zones! AHHHH!” But instead you just sat there with your pretty smile, pretty face, pretty long brown hair and a very nice body that would look amazing in a bikini. Oh yeah, and your dog. I love dogs.

Oscar wants it. He kept looking over his shoulder at me with these longing eyes. Probably because he was kept zipped up in a purse with a vent to breathe out of stuck under the seat in front of the pretty lady who had no leg room for 6 hours. He wanted it. He wanted air not filtered through a handbag, he wanted attention, affection, food, water, some place to poop and pee in freedom. Pretty much everything I wanted when I got off that plane plus alcohol. Zing!

In the 5 minutes or so it took to drive from the airport to Enterprise the shuttle driver kept incessantly directing odd inquiries and comments to the pretty woman (I don’t think she was a prostitute, but who really knows in today’s economy) about Oscar. One question/comment was about Oscar liking his ears rubbed. The pretty pretty lady from New York City who lives in the Wall Street area said yes and that Oscar liked to have his belly scratched. And the pretty lady followed that with a coyly “I do too”.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god!! If she had turned and winked at me when she said that I probably would have fainted or began a Hulk like transformation “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL RUB YOUR EARS AND SCRATCH YOUR TUMMY!!!!!!!! MISS PRETTY BLUE EYES!!!!!!!!! JORDAN SMASH!!!!” I probably would have fainted.

Enterprise Rental Car

Holy fuck do these people want it. Jesus, it was awkward in that place. They were the flirtiest flirts who ever flirted. What the eff? It was completely unprofessional and just startling how flirtatious they were. I was scared to ask for a cup of water because I thought they were going to roofie it. There was a slow moving line leading up to a chest high countertop and when you got to the front you were compulsively hit on by some douche bags in cheap suits and then no booze. It was like being at the worst bar ever.

While standing in line, next to pretty lady and Oscar, there were two pretty cute young blondes from Montana at the counter renting cars. Do you want to hear some dudes “spit” some serious “game”? Enterprise by LAX airport is where it’s at. Besides “people watching” which I am Prestige Level Grandmaster at, the best spectator sport is listening to guy’s pick up chicks in odd venues or, better yet, not pick up chicks. So to set this up, each girl was renting a separate car so each had their own weirdly flirty Enterprise guy typing up their information. The guys were seriously acting like they were in a wingman-esque situation where they were picking up chicks in some inebriated social setting.

They were being aggressive and sarcastic. They were trying to play the funny dick role where they are teasing the girls and being suggestive at the same time. Whatever, but you’re renting them a fucking car and I’m standing in line waiting! But these guys weren’t great at it nor were they in a proper situation to be since the lights weren’t low, Black Eyed Peas wasn’t blaring and no one was drunk or at least those two girls weren’t. The best part was when the one guy made a “joke” about not needing a copy of the girl’s driver’s license because he’ll just cut her hand off and keep that. LOL LMAO ROFL. Funny guys! All girls love to hear a good dismemberment joke when they meet a strange guy. I wonder if they met up later and boned because how could she pass on a dreamboat like him.

As for me, I got handshakes, high-fives, old comedy references (“Eh, that’s-uh niiiccee.” I love Borat, but it’s over), but little to no help in using the GPS system. Thanks Enterprise.

Roselyn Sanchez

Roselyn Sanchez wants it. She is also confused why she is standing in line. So is I. While waiting on the “will call” ticket line at the UFC 104 event at the Staples Center, there were a few celebrities that I saw. One was Michael Rapaport, which was not the first time I’ve seen him at a sporting event. I’ve seen him at Knicks games before in New York. I really like Michael Rapaport as an actor and a human being. I think he is funny, genuine, and I like him in about everything I’ve seen him in. On top of that, he was hanging out with some Asians, which is cool. Do your thing Mike.

It wasn’t surprising at all to see him with Asians and/or at a sporting event. I think people of all races are comfortable in Michael Rapaport’s company especially at sporting events. It is pretty obvious at this point that if aliens did land on the planet we would send Barack Obama and U2 to greet them. But if I could suggest another person: Michael Rapaport. I think aliens would find him friendly, humorous and know he wasn’t bullshitting them. Did he want it? Not really.

Either way, did Roselyn Sanchez want it?

Yeah she did. As for the confusion, she was following around some blonde tipped, faux hawk, Hollywood looking pretty boy. It was her, him and some other cute Hispanic chick and he was not waiting in line for his complimentary tickets. She was tiny in person. I wasn’t expecting her to be big, but she was tiny. She was very hot to be expected. More or less the “it” she wanted was direction at that point. Where am I going? Why? What is happening? Why do we keep walking past the same set of lines over and over again? What is cagefighting? Why is that 6’3” guy with wrist tattoos wearing an Arnold Schwarzenegger t-shirt staring and panting at me?

Roselyn definitely wants it in photoshoots. And she seems to want it a good deal on the red carpet too. I have seen my fair share of Without a Trace episodes, my parents seemingly use terrible television shows to deter me from visiting them to get free dinner and laundry, and she wants it on that show. If I was a criminal, I would instantly confess to her or Poppy Montgomery. They just want it and also I really want to please hot chicks in an effort that they feel some pity on me and they decide against all natural reasoning to sleep with me. I am a very complex person.

Roseyln’s want is delicate like the little Hispanic flower that she is. I didn’t even notice her until she was pointed out. I instantly recognized her after that. I’m quick. She didn’t really stand out in the crowd wanting it. But if you caught eyes to her when she looked over her shoulder through her long black hair you would swear you could hear her lightly “Yo quierolo”.

Kristen Stewart’s want isn’t a tulip’s petal dainty touch; Kristen’s want is a fog horn of deafening capacity. If Kristen Stewart was at the Staples Center I would have known. Not because I have some tracking device strategically implanted in one of her molars. Her want would have cleansed all the raging testosterone saturating the air worse than the LA smog. It would have been a bleach soaked wind of want pulsing from Kristen Stewart that singularly focused all attention on her and her alone. At that moment, Kristen Stewart would have addressed the awaiting masses of Tapout t-shirts and steroid muscles and spray on tans and said “What’s up? Where do I pick up my complimentary twitter tickets, dudes? I want them.”

UFC

I thought the fights were great on Saturday night. I really had a great time and, thankfully, had great seats which were provided by the UFC in a generous giveaway. Up close, I saw a few of the fighters like Nate Quarry, kind of wanted it, and Krszyszxtofaszx Sosdaysazxnski (sp?) who definitely wanted it. If you watched the fights then you saw Ryan Bader fight Eric Shafer in a pretty great fight. I saw both of them after the fight.

Ryan kind of wanted it, but not what was being given to him. Some “crazy” “lady” tried to give him some of her “beads” and lets just say he wasn’t too into it. You know what works well on websites: inside jokes. Anyway, if he did want those “beads” then he was doing a good job covering it up which is a sign of wanting it less than Kristen Stewart. She can not cover up her want; we’ve all seen her films. Also, it was right after he fought so his want may have been at an all time low because of all the energy he used in beating Eric up pretty easily.

Eric didn’t want it too much either. His face was a little beat up, but he seemed in ok spirits when I saw him on Monday. He was at the TUF 11 tryouts. I’m not sure if he was there to tryout or there to support someone who was. If he was there to tryout then I would bet all the money in the world he’ll be on the next season. He isn’t a “great” fighter, but he’ll smash those guys though. He has good ground game, can take a punch, decent enough stand-up, and will not give up. I didn’t see anyone all that impressive looking at the tryouts minus a small Brazilian who didn’t speak any English and in his 2 minute grappling session he forced the nobody he was rolling with to tap twice in the first minute. I hope that guy is on the show.

I also got to meet the President of the UFC, Dana White. I didn’t get to say to him what I wanted to say which was “PLEASE HIRE ME TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” But I did shake his hand and so forth. He was nice and I thanked him for the tickets. Does Dana White want it? Yeah he does. The dude is methodically and ruthlessly tearing apart every other MMA organization. It’s like how Coca-Cola and McDonalds are number 1, but they spend more money on advertising than any other company in their field. Dana White won’t stop expanding the UFC until The Ultimate Fighter 28: USA vs. Mars’ coaches fight for the intergalactic Light-Heavyweight Championship: Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida (naturalized citizen at that point) vs. Gremleck “The Pitbull” Kluntard.

Oscar Meyer

Crazy enough, I saw him again. His handler lady was still as pretty as ever and they were on our return flight. The best part besides noticing her shoulder tattoo peeking out of her shirt, the crazy people on the flight who wouldn’t leave Oscar alone. The funniest part in particular was when the woman sitting behind Oscar noticed him for the first time. It was at the end of the flight right before the final descent. The Captain gets on the PA to tell us to sit in our seats and buckle up and so forth. This lady just noticed there is a dog on the plane and throws caution to the wind to spend time with it. Everyone is sitting with their belts on while the plane is shakily gunning towards the pavement and she is in the middle of the aisle “oh doggie doggie doggieeee!”

Not that I wanted anything bad happen to the plane that I was flying in, but seriously how funny would it have been if they had to make an abrupt stop or change of course and she went tumbling either up or down the aisles.

Plane tickets to LAX from EWR: $298.

Economy parking for four days at EWR: $66

Seeing some jackass go airborne and hurt themselves in aisle of airplane because they just had to say hello to a dog in a purse: PRICE-FUCKING-LESS