This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #8

October 30, 2009

I haven’t mentioned how much I loved watching the Steelers beat the Vikings, but I did. I’m actually still trying to digest it it was that wonderful. Like a perfectly grilled reuben sandwich. Steelers have a “bye week” this weekend, so I guess I won’t watch… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! I watch all the games! Regardless of who is playing! Last year, I listened to more Buffalo Bills games on the radio than I think anyone ever including the guys calling the games. On the motherflipping radio! And the Bills suck! Seriously… I wish a football game was going on right now I could watch.

Today is supposed to be very busy at work. The actual work. The one that pays me in paper money and not compliments or hypothetical spy operations where I am “banged” and “found”, but not in that order.

So I will try to update if/when I have time.

Bend and Snap

Do guys really like the “bend and snap” move from Legally Blonde? First, I have never seen Legally Blonde. Oh shut the fuck up with your “OMG!”s or “WTF”s or “DHRSHNSLBTIJRETHIASGWHNRRTSTMA”s (Did he really say he never saw Legally Blonde, that is just ridiculous even though he is a straight guy who has no real reason to see that movie anyway)! How many times have you all seen Ravenous? HUNH!?! Tell me! I bet it’s less than 8 times. Probably less than 1 for most of you. Or how many times have you seen The Beat That My Heart Skipped? One of my favorite movies of all time! Some fans you are!

Anyway, thankfully youtube had the “bend and snap” scene and I did watch it. From what I gather, a girl (or gay man apparently, but for the purpose of this explanation I will focus on the girls even though I not-so-secretly think you want me to focus on the gay guys because it would be much crazier) bends over at the waist and then snaps back up to a posing position to get a man’s attention. Do guys like this? Let’s go step by step:

1. Bending over at the waist – if you are facing the guy then there is a chance of thee ole’ “down the shirt” shot for the guy. Guys like boobs as mentioned in many many many of these posts. So a clear view of them is good times all the time every time no matter if it is day or night time or in the nick of time or in the movie with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walked also called Nick of Time or Greenwich Mean time or The Land Before Time because when boobs are present it is always party time.

If you are facing away from the guy then he is getting a nice view of your ass. This has been mentioned a lot, but not as much as the boobs because cleavage shots seem to be more acceptable than a bent over shot, but dudes like chicks’ butts. I don’t think Homer,  Faulkner or Maya Angelou could have written any better explanation.

So as of right now, the “bend” is a big hit with guys regardless of angle.

2. Snap into position – As far as I could tell, the “position” that Reese Witherspoon believes women/gay men should “snap” into is back arched, chest out and head up. I’m pretty sure, remember I never re-read, about a minute ago I wrote guys love boobs. Is that right? Damn this faulty memory filled with Dolph Lundgren, not trivia, FACTS. Dolph Lundgren represented the USA in the modern pentathlon in the 1996 Olympics as well as made a movie called Pentathlon. So #2 gives guys another starring role in Boobs Watcher 2: Son of Boobs Watcher the Watcher of Boobs.

In essence, “bend and snap” is a two step process for girls to get a guy to stare at their bodies. Guys definitely like that. Another effective and even simpler two step process would be:

1. Stand infront of guy

2. Say these words loud and clearly – “Stare at my tits and ass”

I am a doctor and that would work.

Getting a guy’s attention is a lot less work than you would imagine. Getting a guy to be into going to the mall to shop, watching girly movies like Legally Blonde instead of epic films like Showdown in Little Tokyo, or not to love his favorite sports team more than you – well that falls under the “either date a straight guy and get over these unrealistic hang ups or start the process of convincing your gay best friend to sleep with you” life category.

Also, Kristen Stewart doesn’t need to do the “bend and snap” to get a guy’s attention. She wants it so bad that the rods and cones in our eyes begin to shake uncontrollably causing us to only see black in all directions except in hers. A bright shining light of vivid colors and a backdrop of gold illuminates a path to her where we are all drawn to walk along. Arriving at her feet we see a vertical halo appear around in each eye  focusing our gaze until a sudden flash blinds us. That last image seered into our memories. And when one questions what do we remember of the world when we had sight? We will take pen to paper and draw them Kristen Stewart’s visage in that glowing silhouette in perfect detail. They wil cry. We will cry. And we will be one under one banner. Crying.

E Pluribus Kristenus Stewartum.

SHE WANTS IT!

Did I answer your question?

I think I should be on Oprah or Ellen. Seriously, I’m a 26 year old straight guy writing comedy seemingly for women. Can’t one of you bring this up in the “women’s of the world” meeting you all have once a month via conference call. I think you all have covered the “overtime in any sport is not a good thing, but something that the guy should be punished for” clause. I think you all need to cover new material like “why isn’t Jordan on Oprah and/or Ellen?”

If you have other questions about guys, I’ll surely answer them.

I’m not sure how the “updates” will go, but as far as I can tell this has been well over 800 words which at one point was good enough for a full day’s post. I may update as the day goes. Like I said this is supposed to be a busy day and has been a little bit thus far. We’ll see.

—///—

Update One and Done

1. Oh yeah, it is Halloween weekend. I don’t think I’m dressing up. But if any of you are and want to send me pictures of you dressed up in your costumes or out of your costumes that would be cool. I’m just saying I think it is the least you people can do.

Don’t worry I won’t post them on the site unless you want me to. I’ll just send the pictures to your local police claiming you are stalkers or kid touchers or haiku addicts. Something clever.

2. Right now, I’m passively rooting for the Philadelphia Phillies. And by “passively”, I mean that I didn’t watch a full baseball game all year and I could honestly give a flying fuck if the entire sport of baseball was cancelled in its entirety. I do hate the Yankees though. I don’t want to see them win, but it isn’t like Yankees fans are going to get more obnoxious if they win because I already believe all of them to be wildly irrelevant.

I was a fan of baseball back in the dizzie. My fascination with baseball was extreme when I was a child. I read a book which I can’t find called Baseball Shrine or something which was all about the MLB Hall of Fame. I must’ve read it a dozen times and memorized it. I used to love baseball players and write reports in school about them. I even remember that in my Jewish Sunday school I had to write two reports. Each one was supposed to be something concerning the history of the Jews. My first report was about Sandy Koufax and the second was about Hank Greenberg. Or vice versa. Either way. I did love baseball.

Then the 1994-1995 strike happened. I may have been 11 years old, but I became a very cynical and angry 11 year old. They fucked me and they fucked America with that strike. Ken Griffey Jr, Frank Thomas and Matt Williams were having stellar years. And Frank “The Big Hurt” Thomas (who I love/d) was on his way to maybe winning the Triple Crown (not the race). I haven’t given a shit about baseball since. 

I’ve had years where I’ve definitely watched more than others. But for the most part I don’t care and I don’t watch it. Plus it is boring as hell. Going to a game is fun. It is perfect that they call it a baseball “park” because it is exactly like going to a park. You lay around, drink, get some sun, and you lose track of time and the next thing you know it has been 18 hours. Baseball is boring. Look at the players on the bench in the dugout or the pitchers in the bullpen. Those guys are all half asleep if not completely asleep. People say football is boring and those people are 100% wrong. Check out the sideline of a football game. There 800 guys and they all looked like they are wired on coffee. 

Anyway, the gayest/greatest thing in baseball is when a player in the dugout decides to sit on the steps leading out of the dugout. They tuck their legs on the stair underneath their butt and they lean on an elbow or two onto the field. It is the gayest pose ever. Imagine they panned to the dugout in the middle of the game and A-Rod was blowing Jeter with his mouth (instead of his eyes and mind which he does all game) and, at the same time, Texiera was sitting in that pose on the steps. Instantly your first reaction would be “Wow look at how gay Texiera is! Who knew he was gay? Jeez, I never would’ve guessed he was gay, but look at how he is sitting. And wow, A-Rod really looks like he knows how to give great head. Good for him or should I say Jeter. He is really going to town on Jeter’s weenjack. Christ, I hope he doesn’t hurt himself or Jeter because that is the most enthusiastic blowjob I have ever witnessed. I wish my wife was that enthusiastic because lord knows she isn’t. I mean seriously does Jeter’s dick naturally sweat peanutbutter cup ice cream? Because from the way A-Rod is using tongue, that has got to be the tastiest penis ever. I’m just brainstorming, but if his pecker tastest like peanutbutter cup ice cream then his balls must taste like…. Pretzels! Nothing would be a better combination. No wait. Chocolate covered pretzels! Yeah? I love peanutbutter and chocolate too and then mix in the salt of pretzels. Yeah it is great. What inning is this? 4th? Are you kidding me!?! We’ve been here for 5 hours! Whew, I guess I should get another beer. All this talk about Derek Jeter’s ice cream flavored penis and pretzel flavored balls is making me thirsty. Really? No. None of that was gay. It was just factual. Let’s get a beer.”

THEEEEEEE ENNNNDDDDDD

Now I should be on Oprah  and Ellen. I figure after I get on those shows and I am rich and famous I can make those other bullet points about three-ways with celebrities a reality.

3. Guys hanging out naked in showers together is not cool.

Have a nice weekend.

 

 

 

 

41 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #8”

  1. Crystal said

    Have fun on your busy day.

    I love “Showdown in Little Tokyo”, it’s genius. I also love Brandon Lee (may he rest in peace, *crosses self*) I’m not even Catholic so I dont know why I crossed myself.

    “Legally Blonde” is a good movie for what it is….which is stupid and cute. It’s mostly shot in Boston though so that made me happy.

    Kristen’s hair looks really good in that picture, why doesn’t my hair curl like that? WHY??

  2. Crystal said

    I have been the first comment for the last 3 days….what the hell guys? We all know nobody cares what I have to say where is PWG, HB, and Tiffanized??

    • Now now, Cystal. We care what you have to say. Awwww!!! We’re all so loving and supportive around here!

      I’m never the first comment. Usually because Jordan posts during the middle of lunch. And as much as I love me some Jordan, food and not sitting in front of a computer for an hour is pretty awesome. So I make up for it by hyper-commenting throughout the day.

      Also, you’ve mistaken peoples’ disdain for my penchant to not shut up as caring about what I have to say. Silly!

      I’m not done though. I’m trying to think up good questions for Jordan to answer next. “Why won’t you let me find and bang you already, you son of a bitch” doesn’t seem like a good start…

      • Zees84 said

        Actually, I’d like to hear the answer to that one. Because if I were KSWI Jordan…besides finally knowing what my penis looked like, I would ask myself, “Why the hell don’t I let HB find and bang me?”

      • Crystal said

        Oh, that may be true (and AWWWW!) but you are so much funnier than me and I look forward to your comments almost as much as Jordan’s posts. Double AWWW!

        And I cant believe I forgot Zees84! I always look forward to your comments too.

        Wow, I’m super sugary today. Must be all the Halloween candy in my system.

        I’m with you though, taking an hour away from the computer to get lunch is CRUCIAL to my day. But I’m off on Friday’s so I was refreshing the page like a loser since I woke up so early to buy concert tickets. LA-HOO-ZA-HER!!

        I’m also watching The Bonnie Hunt Show (repeat LA-HOO-ZA-HER!) and they just did a Twilight skit and it was a kid carrying a stuffed doll on his back that was supposed to be Bella. She didn’t want it. I’m disappointed.

    • tiffanized said

      I appreciate the concern, Crystal. I’ve been juggling personal trainers, stalkers, marketing campaigns, mentally unstable terriers, bad dates, zombie novels, clinical depression and children with the swine flu. KSWI has become a luxury I can only indulge in at odd intervals. I’ll try harder next week.

  3. Holy early post, Batman! I was just coming back here to read the new comments on yesterday’s post and was surprised with a fresh serving of KSWI. What a nice Friday surprise.

    I’m quite honestly shocked that you had so much to say about this move. 800+ words? I was fully expecting “I’ve never seen that movie. Guys like tits. Guys like asses. Need I say more?” But you’re much more interesting, hilarious, and eloquent than I am… so I should have known better. Guess this is why you have a blog and I don’t.

    So I should use my clout in the “Bitches Of The World” meeting to get you on Ellen or Oprah? ‘Cause I was originally planning to use it in one of the following ways:

    1. Get you into one of those “heavenly” sandwiches you’ve been talking about lately: January Jones/Christina Hendricks, Roselyn Sanchez/Poppy Montgomery.

    2. Recruit all women in the NJ area and beyond to help with Op:F&B.

    3. Get you face-to-face with Kristen Stewart just to see how that shit would go down. I suspect the Want would stun even 3000-word you silent.

    But if being on Ellen and/or Oprah is really your biggest dream come true, I guess I can make that happen…

  4. I actually have a legit question that I’ve been meaning to ask. And it involves sports!

    Thoughts on the World Series? Who are you backing?

    If I had to guess, I’d say you might be a Phillies guy. But that you probably don’t really care much for baseball. It’s one of the few sports you’ve never mentioned…

    • Zees84 said

      Silly HB, KSWI Jordan said he would answer questions about GUYS…not about himself…you have to be much more general like “Why is it ok for a bunch of guys to be naked in a locker room but they freak out if another man may or may not have seen their penis via the too large space in between the walls of the handicapped bathroom stall at work?”

      (Here’s a question, why have both of Zees ’84’s had the word penis in them? Me thinks it is because of the Seizure Enducing Snowflake of Want…)

      • Zees84 said

        Insert the word “comments” in between my name and “had”.

        And insert the word penis into this comment…for continuity.

      • Zees84 said

        Goddammit….Inducing.

        Can you tell my little girl was up the entire night screaming? She does not have a penis.

      • Good thing you clarified… I was about to ask how one would go about getting a “word penis” in them. My Friday night’s looking a little lackluster so far, so figured I’d try to spice it up. Thought I’d found my answer in your comment, but I guess I need to keep looking.

      • Zees84 said

        I like to think of KSWI as a word penis. KSWI Jordan, you’re welcome to use the phrase. The conductor of this crazy train writes about anything and everything, often touching upon, or if he is tired, licking upon, subjects that many women are not interested in, including a young actress that some of us are not fans of, to be polite. But here we all are, some of us in a polygamous marriage, some of us as affairs to said polygamous marriage, pretty much everyone looking to find and bang KSWI Jordan. Why? Because his word penis goes into our respective word vaginas (aka our receptive minds) and literally fucks our brains out.

        I have a headache (based on the above, twss– and it’s also unfortunately true).

        Have a good weekend everyone!

        P.s. Crystal, thanks for the mention. I wanted to come up with something witty about being forgotten, but the room is spinning. But thanks.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I had been referring to it as “word stripping”.

        I am a give credit where credit is due kind of guy and I didn’t come up with that phrase. A friend did, but he doesn’t have a clever nickname like “Dawgz”.

        I do like the phrase “word penis” and everything especially the “fucks our brains out” line.

        But the internet is all a big tease, so I think “word stripping” is a little more applicable.

        Nevertheless, call it whatever you like. Just keep reading and commenting because that is you “word stripping” back.

      • Zees84 said

        If wordpress wasn’t out to mindfuck me as well, I would have seen this before I gave my “kids, getting your brain fucked out is good, even in this obscure metaphor” speech.

        (Thanks, I understand and acknowledge.)

        P.s. What would a word lapdance entail?

      • Zees84 said

        Do I really have to explain that a word penis fucking the brains out of a word vagina is an excellent thing?

        Ok, no more comments from me. One (hundred) and Done.

      • Amy D said

        Wow, Zees you’re like my new fanfic after that last comment. hahaha

        Just some food for thought; has anyone else wondered how much Jordan has to be packing for someone to walk by a bathroom stall and manage to see his peen?? Am I the only one?

      • Amy D said

        Wow Zees, you just might be my new fanfic after that lovely mind fucking comment. Fantastic. A good weekend it shall be now…..

  5. PWG said

    It’s a sign of my stunning intellect that when I read “Homer” I thought Simpson.

  6. Julienne said

    You and your effing Steelers. I’ll have you know the calls in that game were SHIT, and all the refs were probably from Jersey or related to you.

    Wow that was mean. Sorry.

    Thank you for giving a nod to Ravenous. I’m of the weak constitution type so I never saw it, however I did see Alive and have never been the same. I have a couple of friends who loved Ravenous though and still wander around calling each other Lt. Boyd.

  7. PWG said

    How did you know I used to have a little mini-crush on Dolph Lundgren? Granted, in that picture above he looks super gay, with more than a hint of Vanilla Ice. He’s really smart, he’s a musician, he’s multi-lingual and he’s built. Also: 6’5″, which can’t hurt him with the ladies around here.

  8. Amy D said

    The ‘bend and snap’ really got 800 + words?? It must have been a slow monolouge day in that brain of yours. HB responded quite nicely to how she assumed that answer should have gone. My rough and not so nice response would be: the bend and snap is a rookie twat move that reeks of a 17 magazine article gone wrong.

    What I would like to know – how effing hard is it to make a pot of decent coffee?? If I can see the bottom of my cup, it’s not coffee. It’s dirty water. A weak tea at best.

    And yes, I’m a complete coffee snob bitch. I live in Seattle, do you expect anything less??

  9. PWG said

    I’ve seen Legally Blonde. I hated it. Watching that clip made me want to punch Reese Witherspoon in the face. Is that Bitches Hating Bitches? I don’t think so, I think I just prefer chicks like Vazquez and Ripley in Aliens. Yeah, this is gonna embed:

  10. Before I get started: HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Totally called it. I have another guy friend who hates baseball because it’s boring as shit. But yet he loves golf?

    I’ll watch baseball. Football is better, but I enjoy baseball because I grew up playing softball in a family with some seriously rabid MLB fans. However, your version of baseball would be FAR more interesting. I’m not saying that I’d really prefer it. I’m just saying that watching the ‘New York Cock Gobblers’ take down/go down on the ‘Philadelphia Ass Pirates’ in some sport-porn hybrid would certainly be more interesting.

    You do realize that you’ve just described Jeter’s dick as being Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice cream, right? WHICH IS MY FAVORITE EVER. God, I’m so confused. Torn between drooling over the thought of a pint of B&J’s, and being slightly disturbed by your extremely vivid image of A-Rod going to town on good ol’ Derk-Jeter-Peter-Eater… My brain’s going to explode.

    P.S. Believe it or not… I’m a Yankees “fan”

    P.P.S. If I send you a picture of me in my Halloween costume, this means you’ll know what I look like and will be able to easier thwart Op:F&B. Not happening. I think I’ve just reverse-thwarted YOUR brilliant plan. To quote you: “Thwarted motherfuckers!”

    P.P.P.S. Your logic re: making those celebrity three-ways a reality is fool-proof. Any dude sensitive and intelligent enough to end up on Oprah will instantly poof some panties. Fair enough, I must bow to your brilliance and should never have questioned the knowledge base behind your ninja-style pantydropping techniques in the first place.

    And that ends what might be my longest comment ever. Have an excellent weekend.

    • robslittlesecret said

      this is how i read “a pint of B&Js” — as “a pint of BJs.” still works.

      i hate the yankees with the passion of KS want. Ass-Rod has been giving it to Jeter for years, IMHO. i may or may not have yelled Jeter Sucks Ass-Rod every single time Jeter has been up to bat at Safeco Field here in Seattle. truth. you see, i do enjoy baseball the way Jordan describes it: as an opportunity to drink a tremendous amount of beer and sit outside, pretending to be taking part in an athletic activity while actually limiting said activity to retrieving more micro-brews from the secret bar behind section 131 and/or watching Ichiro do his yoga/calisthenics/bend and snap in right field.

      a few years ago, i coined a new game party game: “which celebrity couple would you want to have a threesome with?” (maybe others also have had the same idea–totes cool with that if so–just saying i have given this a LOT of thought over the years.) my current top choice for celebrity threesome is scarlett johanson, ryan reynolds and me. my second choice is charlize theron and stuart townsend. clearly my want is for the boobs as well. back in the day, when we first started playing this game, my top choice was salma hayek and ed norton. obviously, rob pattinson is tops of the celebrity list, but i have zero want for kristen stewart, so eh for the threesome. i’ll just wait for the day when i can have him all to myself.

  11. tiffanized said

    I’ve been trying to think of a question about men to ask, but all of the ones I came up with sound like passive-aggressive complaints, and that’s no fun.

    KSWI Jordan, you have an audience of helpful women at your beck and call. Wouldn’t you like for us to answer questions about women for you?

  12. Susanelle said

    Yes, I thought there was no need for the bend-and-snap merely to get fucked. So why do we / should we learn it? Is it a way of getting the best guy?

    The best guy = cute, rich, quiet, biddable… and ISN’T STILL HOLDING THE 94-95 STRIKE AGAINST ALL OF BASEBALL.

    Geez, take a Prozac on that, it was 14 years ago.

    • tiffanized said

      I think 14 year grudges are perfectly reasonable. For example, those bastards at the Olive Garden managed to cross me twelve years ago, and I still refuse to eat there. I, for one, admire your tenacity, KSWI Jordan.

      • Susanelle said

        Olive Garden, I can see that. I’m nursing a five-month grudge against Boston Pizza myself. But hating baseball is like hating your first boyfriend. It’s not real hate, it’s love mixed with head-desk. Go Phillies.

  13. Crystal said

    I hate the Yankees.

    Red Sox ALL THE WAY!

  14. PWG said

    I now know which post to link to when I’m telling people about this site. I think we’ve hit the highlights here today: KStew, sports, gay sex, hypothetical spy operations, movies both shitty and awesome, and the Steelers.

    • I take issue with your use of “hypothetical” here…

      If you’d like to say that this whole place is infested with “filthy hypothetical teases,” I wouldn’t disagree. All this talk of mindfucking and stripping with no follow through? A guaranteed case of blue balls for all involved. Hello torture.

  15. PWG said

    I don’t like to watch baseball, but I like to have Sunday Night Baseball with Jonny Miller and Joe Morgan on in the background. Reminds me of “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon.”

  16. aneira said

    lmfao i liked the homo baseball players rant.
    ya, sorry i have nothing to say right now. im kind of preoccupied with some stuff.

    have a great weekend everyone

  17. cledbo said

    Mr C keeps giving me weird looks because I’ve been sporadically laughing at high volume for the last half an hour, first on the post, then on the comments, and then on the post again when I discovered that your baseball rant actually had an origin, and didn’t just spring from the bizarre recesses of your mind. Not that the shit that springs from there is ever anything but stomach-cramp-laugh inducing.

    “Word penis” has to be the funniest term I’ve read all year, and I really think someone needs to add it to Urban Dictionary. Get that into common parlance!

    I may or may not have talked about Kristen Stewart Wanting IT loudly and at length whilst three sheets to the wind last night. I think Mr C’s colleagues won’t be talking to me again for a while, because they got a terrifying glimpse of my inner crazy.

    Ravenous is awesome, and I agree that everyone should go watch it. I haven’t seen it 8 times…yet.

    Your request for halloween costume pictures is being taken under consideration, as it depends entirely a) how cute I think I look in my costume, b) how much alcohol I consume tonight, and c) whether that consumption is enough to increase the level of a). Also whether I can find our camera.

    I need to go have a Berocca before I pass out. I can’t back up the way I used to, unfortunately.

    Bye kiddos!

    PS Baseball makes as much sense to me as cricket probably does to all of you except CamboD, but I still think Ichiro is hot.

  18. campbelld said

    I would find people doing the bend and snap slightly insane to tell you the truth. It is a bit wierd. Word Penis is awesome. It fits with so many things. Well, really just one, but one that I use a lot.

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