I could be angrier. I could be. The Pittsburgh Steelers lost in overtime to the Baltimore Ravens. A game that they could have won. But, in all honesty, I was expecting a much worse showing than the Steelers gave. Early in the week they had made it abundantly clear that Ben Roethlisberger was going to play despite the concussion he suffered the previous game. At the proverbial last minute, Ben was not cleared to play and this opened the door to 3rd string quarterback Dennis Dixon to make his first NFL start.

Basically a rookie quarterback, no Troy Polamalu, at Baltimore, against the vaunted Ravens defense!?!

I was expecting to lose. The Baltimore Ravens opening drive didn’t help my confidence any as they took the ball the length of the field for a touchdown fairly easily. If you watched the game, you would have seen all the depressing statistics the Ravens have on their usually lackluster opening drives. Now they are up 7-0, gggrrreeeaaattt. So how did the rook do?

Pretty great, actually. Dennis Dixon scored two touchdowns, led a drive for a field goal and, finally, threw an interception that cost them the game. It was better than people expected and, in the end, ended the way one would think a rookie start versus one of the best defenses in the league and your team’s number 1 bitter rival would end. So, he played well. Rashard Mendenhall ran like a beast and our defense played pretty well. The Steelers are playing well enough to keep these games competitive and make you believe only to have your heart ripped out of your chest and peed on at the end of the game, but I guess that is better than getting woodshedded like some other teams have been around the league.

Oh, but it would have been so nice if they won. Why?

Dennis Dixon = “Steamin’” Willie Beamen

Just saying. If Dixon won last night’s game then the Steelers would officially be Any Given Sunday and my life would be complete.

Also I was going to title this post “the six inches in front of your face” as a reference to Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the comments section would be flooded with a lot different interpretation of that sentence. You people. You dirty people.

As far as the rest of the NFL, I watched all three games on Thanksgiving, the Jets/Panthers game on Sunday, and the Vikings/Bears game on Sunday. I’m not sure if anyone has ever said this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say this guy named Brett Favre knows how to play football. Call me crazy, but I think this guy has a future in the league. At the age of 112, Brett Favre is having arguably the best season of his long long long long long illustrious career; through 11 games Brett has thrown 2874 yards, 24 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions. Even if “The Old Man”, as I call him or “The Silver Fox” as Jared Allen calls him, has the breakdown game that everyone has been expecting from the start where he throws 4 interceptions he would still be having an unreal season.

Thanksgiving and the subsequent break from work I received for it went pretty well. I ate a shit ton of turkey which does not sound at all appetizing. How much turkey? A shit ton? Fair enough. I followed that up with a fuck ton of biscuits, which sounds more appetizing the more you repeat it in your head. What is the difference between a shit ton and a fuck ton? It is relativity. A lot of people eat a lot of turkey. Turkey is the main dish and you are expected to eat anywhere from at least a little to eating a whole damn turkey and pissing off your relatives because turkeys take forever to cook and they will have to fill up on cranberry sauce and string beans instead of emeffin’ turkey.

A shit ton indicates that I indeed ate a lot of turkey. More turkey than what an average human being should or likely would eat. At some point, the majority of human beings would feel their stomach seizing in agony from all the turkey they had previously shoved into themselves and stopped shoving more turkey down their throat. But I am not most people. I write a blog about Kristen Stewart for fuck’s sake. So I pressed on and despite any injuries like the throbbing pain in my gut that I may have ate so much turkey it was now invading other organs in my body and mutating them into half human/half turkey organs I still ate more turkey. But again, it was Thanksgiving and I feel comfortable in my belief I was not the only one doing such things. If this was on a typical Tuesday then I would have upgraded from “shit ton” to “fuck ton” or been committed to a hospital for such high volume turkey eating without a holiday to justify it.

The fuck ton of biscuits is purposefully categorized as such because I do not believe as large of a group of the population gorges on biscuits in the same fashion I was. I ate a lot of mashed potatoes et cetera, but the biscuits were a sight. If the concept, the idea, the ethereal form of a biscuit ceased to exist today and there would be no biscuits or anything of the like from today onward until Kristen Stewart unmakes the world with her want during her inevitable young Hollywood starlet nervous breakdown – I would have had my fill this past Thursday. I ate enough biscuits on Thanksgiving that I satisfied any other sane person’s biscuit eating tally for the rest of their life. But I will eat more biscuits. There will always be more biscuits in my future. Unless everyone wants an apocalyptic scenario like in the movie 2012 where Earth is splitting in two and crumbling, there should be more biscuits in my future. You wouldn’t like me when I don’t have my biscuits.

Shit ton and fuck ton aside, I also saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox which you should all see. I also also saw a very sophisticated film that is/was much more enlightening and intelligent than that Twilight mess: Ninja Assassin. I am an adult and as an adult I would like to watch movies that are of an adult matter that I can relate to like ninjas. Seriously, high school vampire romance? I think you’re all a little too old to be watching such childish material. I, on the other hand, will sit at the adult table and discuss ninjas like the well educated man I play on TV. The movie was ok. Away We Go was also watched and was good and people should see it with their eyes.

There were 4 tweens standing inline in front of myself and my friend at the movies on our intellectual field trip to see said ninja movie. They, on the other hand, were going to see New Moon and they were all wearing “Team Jacob” t-shirts. I was going to write “they looked like screamers”, but that easily could be construed in a sexual manner and they looked anywhere between the ages of 13 and 14. Instead, I will rewrite what my publicist has written for me: “These young women below the legal age of consent appeared to be the type to exclaim loudly with joy and merriment when Taylor Lautner’s shirtless image is presented to them.”

I wonder if there is one truly clueless high school or junior high school principal in America who has no idea what Twilight is. Their school’s halls overrun by girl students in “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts. Struggling to understand this predicament, he makes a formal conclusion on the matter believing that the females have chosen sides over two male students at the school. Scared there will be a turf war cat fight that will tear the foundation of his school apart, he calls a meeting of the teachers. He addresses the teachers in the teachers’ lounge. Coffee mugs and donuts for everyone. Dark bags under his eyes from many restless sleepless nights agonizing over what to do.

“I’m sure you are all wondering why I called this emergency action meeting. I have a great deal of concern for our school and maybe out town’s future. I believe we are standing at the edge of the precipice. I believe there is something brewing in these halls. I hear the screams. I see their wild eyes. They are wearing uniforms. They have laid down the battle lines. They have chosen their sides. And I don’t know what will happen next, but I think it will be bad. Catastrophic even. In short, I am terrified for all of our safety.”

He loosens his tie and wipes sweat from his brow.

“We need to think of something. We need to think of something fast before this madness consumes all of us. At the very least, we need to think of a solution that will save us from losing the lives of this next generation of women. Who will be the mothers of this town tomorrow if we do not save these girls today? I beg you. I implore you. We need to stop this war between the factions of Team Jacob and Team Edward!”

The teachers are stunned into silence by this imbecile’s words. He takes this shock as his desired response. The horror that is Team Jacob vs. Team Edward has stolen their very words.

“I believe I have deduced correctly that Jacob is resident 10th grade Jacob Razynski. He is the starting right middie of our varsity lacrosse team. Jacob was quite popular last year when he won the starting duties on our 6-4 lacrosse team during his freshman year. That was an unprecedented jump. No freshman in our school’s history had ever started on our varsity lacrosse team. I believe that the frenzy for his sophomore year effort on the team is what has caused these young women to choose him. As for Team Edward, I think we all know that can only be alluding to senior Edward Page.”

The stunned silence has now turned to an amusing calm at this stupidity or a tight lipped fury that this idiot is their boss. He is high on the attention and is pleased with his detective abilities.

“Edward Page Jr., better known as Teddy P, has successfully campaigned and been elected for class President every year while attending this high school. He vaulted into stardom when in his sophomore year he revolutionized the cafeteria by introducing a “make your own snow cone” machine. Between a record breaking Valentine’s Day heart shaped cookie bake sale and a generous donation from his father, Edward Page I Esquire, he single handedly changed this school forever. I, myself, eat at least one snow cone everyday. If I am having a particularly troubling morning I may indulge in a snow cone to lift my spirits, but on an average day I eat one in the afternoon. Generally around 2pm, I will make a blueberry, lemon, and cherry snow cone. It is two parts-

The principal notices a hand is raised: Andrew Starkey, 35, algebra teacher.

“Yes, Andrew. Do you have a quest-

“You’re a moron.”

“What? What did y-

“I said ‘you are a moron’. Teachers? Is he or is he not a moron?”

Some nod, some grumble yes, some emphatically repeat “he is a moron”.

“Jacob Razynski? Teddy P? Who the hell calls him Teddy P besides you? Jacob and Ed Page are not what those t-shirts are referring to you jackass. They are for Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. It is because of those stupid books and those stupid movies. My 12 year old and my 9 year old are absolutely obsessed with those dumb books. I think I’m going to snap if one of my daughters asks me again about my “immortal love” for their mother. I absolutely hate my wife right now because she brought those books and that movie into my home. I thin-

“I’m sorry to cut you off, but what movie and what books?”

Twilight!?! There are commercials for the movie on TV all the time. New Moon? The kids in those movies are all over everything. Robert Pattinson? Taylor Lautner? And then there is the main girl Kristen Stewart.”

“Oh I know her. She wants it.”

All the teachers nod, grumble yes, and emphatically repeat “Kristen Stewart wants it”.

“Kristen Stewart does want it. You know, you’re not such a bad guy. I was wrong for calling you a moron. She does want it.”

“Well then now that we are all on the same side, why don’t we go get some snow cones? To Kristen Stewart! And her wanting it!”

– End Scene –

Outside of that, I went to a party on Saturday night. I did not know the majority of the people at the party nor did the friends I was there with. About half way through the party I am standing there talking to someone I did know when a friend of mine rushes up to me. He is red faced and his eyes are watering from laughing. He is almost out of “breadth”. He takes a moment and then begins an amazing set of rhetorical questions.

Do you remember the movie Independence Day?

Do you remember the part of the movie when they go to Area 51 to dissect the alien Will Smith caught?

Do you remember the main scientist?

The one who had the long hair, beard, glasses and was all cracked out?

He was the one who got thrown up against the glass and the alien used his tentacle wrapped around that guy’s throat to communicate with the Secret Service and the President played by Bill Pullman?

OF-FUCKING-COURSE I REMEMBER!

Look to your right.

BAM!

The guy standing 6 feet from me looked exactly like him! He didn’t look like Brent Spiner, but he looked like the fucking doctor character in Independence Day. As if that character had came to life and 13 years later was at a keg party in a basement standing 6 feet from me. That’s what that guy looked like. I immediately started laughing. After a minute I calmed down and went back to my original conversation. A couple minutes later, I was taking a sip of beer and turned to my right and the guy was standing right next to me.

I almost spit all the beer right in his face.

At the last second, my muscles caught my involuntary reaction of spitting the beer in his face and now I am choking on the beer. Choking on the beer leads me to almost throwing up on him or the wall next to him. But I stopped myself. And then I spent the rest of the night with acid reflux from the violent spit/choke/throw up/coughing fit. DAMN YOU OBSCURE MOVIE REFERENCES THAT COME TO LIFE!

Anyway, that was my Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanks—- err Friday.

Here is another chapter. It is another fantasy chapter. A dream chapter the main character has about work. There are wolves in it.

***************************

It has been one hour since the rains have started. I have tried to put it out of my mind, but it lingers like a nicotine addiction constantly making your skin itch. Until you get to satisfy that fix with a long slow pull on a cancer stick it just keeps gnawing at you. I can hear the rain’s light incessant tapping on the world’s surface: on the office building’s windows, on the cars in the parking lot, on the gravel walkway, on the manicured green grass, on the measured matching stone tiles right outside. I can hear it over the hum of the air conditioning. I can hear it over the soft whimpering of my female co-workers. I can hear it calling to us.

It has been one hour since the rains have started, but it has been 5 years since we learned what the rains will bring. If the rain ended one minute ago, 59 seconds ago, if it ended just one second shy of one hour then we would all be safe. We do not know why it started or how it works perfectly with one hour clock work. After one hour of rain, the wolves come.

I know the date. It is the 9th of September and it is a Tuesday. If there is rain for an hour and the wolves arrive, on a Tuesday or Thursday, it is my department’s job to fight them. Already the preparations are being made. I don’t know why, but my first thought is to finish whatever it is I’m doing: busy work. Filling out an expense report, filing for someone’s “chron”, scanning copies of signatures to the executives, preparing a DHL package, whatever it is I finish it. I will walk outside with a clean slate is how I justify it. That is what I tell people; if today is my last then there will be no loose ends for someone to wade through.

In reality, I’m scared. I use these moments to center myself. This busy work brings me into a Zen Buddhist like state. It is my meditation. This work is infinitely tedious and seemingly has no ending and with that I need to calm myself into an awakened sleep state to deal with how degrading it is to perform these tasks over and over again for full days of my life for weeks of my life for months of my life and I’m in the prime of my life. I slow down and continue to move through what could be my final task. It is hard to concentrate with all the crying.

My department is nine women and five men, including myself. Three years ago there was a vote and ever since we have forbade the women from fighting. The deaths of the men are hard to bear, but the deaths of the women was a sadness felt through all that has never left any of us. We carry those deaths in our hearts and they weigh on our souls. They should have never been let out those doors, any that survived were miracles. This will be my tenth time having to walk outside to face the wolves. I have the scars.

Claw marks across my chest and puncture wounds in my arms, neck, legs and back from their teeth. I have broken bones and bled out quarts of blood, but I have survived. I cannot say the same for the one hundred and twelve of my co-workers that I have seen mauled to death in red messes on those stone tiles out there. That fear of another scene like that today is what makes them cry. The women all tearing up and some of them men too. I sit here stoic out of fear and in my meditation.

The alarm sounds.

The loud train whistle blares when the first wolves appear from the trees. At this I stand. I have submitted my expense report and it is printing right now. I write on a stickie note “need signature for approval” and stick it to the front page. I staple the pages together and place it on the ledge of my cubicle. I nod to a co-worker. She is 60 and a mother of three. I could be her youngest son; that is how she sees me. I nod to her and she knows that if I die she will have this expense report appropriately signed and then inter-officed to accounts payable.

The women give out hugs and words of encouragement. I am an enigma to this office; no one can understand how I continue to make it back from outside. They are afraid of what they have seen. They have seen the violence and what I’m willing to do to make it back inside, for one more day of work. They smile with tears in their eyes and they mouth phrases like “god bless you” “be safe”, but there is a wall between myself and them. Only the new attorney and myself receive no real affection or hugs. We stand and wait. This will be the new attorney’s first trip outside.

The intern has already made the rounds and secured our weapons: scissors, paper cutter blades, FedEx boxes duct taped together as body armor. He hands them out. The new attorney’s blade is so new it hasn’t even cut a sheet of 8 ½ x 14 to 8 ½ x 11. Mine is black. Stained in the wolves blood, hair and skin. Even my own blood. I felt its edge turned on me before. It is almost natural to have it gripped in my hand, the handle wrapped in electrical tape. I hold the scissors in my left hand and my hatchet in my right. The five of us make for the elevators.

The new attorney, the intern, the manager, the old attorney and myself. The new attorney is wide-eyed and shaking with adrenaline. He is scared beyond belief. His brain does not know how to handle any of this and he is on the verge of insanity. On the other hand, the old attorney is barely conscious. He has “survived” 5 times, but at what cost? His back was nearly broken and he is constantly medicated on pain killers to be able to move. He moves at a snail’s pace and he usually is a burden to have out there than a help. He is loved by the women so his death would be hard to take for them. He stands with the assistance of the manager and his ability to grip his weapon is about all he can muster.

The manager has survived 7 attacks and he is of great use. He moves well and understands what it takes to kill. He and the intern are my only help. The intern is young and wild. His instinct of obscene energy driven drunk on fear keeps him running and hacking at anything. His survival of 3 attacks has been a sight; I am more and more surprised at his ability to live and I never expect to see him walk back inside alive. He is not collected when fighting and this leads to openings. His survival is luck and I feel the wolves grow smarter with each encounter. It is only a matter of time now that I see him die in front of me.

When we reach the ground floor, we can see the wolves forming a straight line about fifty yards from the doors. The floor to ceiling glass windows and doors gives the wolves a good look at us and us to them. There are eleven of them. We reach the doors and the security guards release the electronic lock and we push them open. They immediately shut behind and the lock slams closed. We are not allowed back inside unless we have killed the wolves or they have retreated.

When the phenomena began and it was voted that each department had a schedule of when they should guard it sounded reasonable. But over time the deaths and which section could hire new men became lop sided. Our department, the law department, has hired one new man and lost six. Other departments like human resources are over thirty men. They have the numbers and can scare the wolves away with their presence. They limit our resources, they limit our men. I sometimes think who is more predatorial – the wolves or man.   

We separate. We move 7 yards apart to create space. We do not want any friendly fire. The wolves even out their number and size us up. Two for each of us and the final lurking to pick up scraps. I have seen this before. Not many of us will last. I let my blade lower to the ground and move my left leg forward with scissors extended. I am preparing for the charge. The rest are in different states: the new attorney is in a crazed state breathing heavy he’ll likely pass out before they even strike, the old attorney is waiting for the wolves to tackle him and then he will pray for a quick death most likely, the intern and the manager are prepared to start their moving attacks. I lie in wait.

The lurking wolf howls and then the ten dash.

The first two reach the new attorney first he swings wildly at them, the intern next takes off leading a chase chopping at air, the manager next is diving and rolling for cover he slices and misses the one wolf, but it gets their attention, the old attorney is tackled and on the ground he has some fight left and stabs the one wolf repeatedly with the scissors- here comes my two.

With in five feet the wolf jumps; the first mistake and its last. I uppercut through the wolf with the razor’s edge of the paper cutter catching it in mid-air. The deathblow cuts from left to right shoulder to hind leg. The blood sprays me, coats my make-shift armor and blinds me for the moment. The second wolf knows better and attacks my knees. I feel the familiar sensation of wolf teeth entering my skin on either side of my left knee. I fall to the ground my pants and his mouth dripping with my blood. He tears and tears and I scream in pain. There is no help from my co-workers, my fellow men. I grit my teeth and scream through them and with one downward stab I knife the wolf in the neck with the scissors. It goes limp.

With my own blood and wolf blood dripping from my face, I turn to see my counterparts. The intern is wounded, but still moving well. The manager has killed one wolf and the other is stalking him, a stalemate. I look for the new attorney. He is against the glass swinging his weapons in a panic; the wolves are toying with him. I have to help him, he has little time left. I can see what is about to happen before it transpires. The lurking wolf is just timing him. I can see it, but I cannot make it to him. The lurking wolf makes his move.

The two distracting wolves dive out of the way at the last second and the lurker jumps for the new attorney’s throat. He latches on his fleshy neck crimson escapes everywhere. The lurker begins to feed before the body even hits the ground. The three wolves tear into his flesh and I can hear the horrible sobbing through the windows.

The old attorney has stabbed one wolf to death and its corpse is lying on top of his bloody unconscious body. The second wolf is attacking his leg. I push myself up to my feet and hobble over towards the old attorney. I start to yell at the wolf to attract him. He takes the bait. He wants a challenge. He is smaller than the rest, he is young and brash. He runs at me. He is not prepared. I brace for his impact and turn his momentum against him. His tackle ends up with me on top. It only takes one stab through the ribs into the heart with the scissors to end his thirst.

I am back on my feet and covered in blood. I am in the zone. I am dialed in and I can feel the murder oozing through my fingertips drugging my blade into a killing machine. I limp over to more action with each step becomes closer to a stride, my adrenaline has taken away my pain. I leave bloody footprints behind that are washed away from the rain. My pain is washed away, my fear is washed away, I am a mad man.

I yell to the intern to run to me, he turns and takes off in my direction. The wolves close behind the first leaps for his back and the intern senses it. He baseball slides into the grass and I come over the top with my blade severing the beast’s body in two. It is a pleasuring sight. The horrid entrails sprayed onto the stone tiles is beautiful compared to the same sight 10 yards away with the new attorney’s stomach and throat as a fine cuisine for the three wolves. The second wolf following the intern growls, but is scared. It backs up and runs.

The manager’s wolf sees the retreat and follows. The other three wolves have had their fill of flesh and walk away smiling. The manager, myself and the intern breath heavy and try to collect ourselves. We walk over to the old attorney. He has passed. His blood is in rivers across the tiles and leaking into the gravel walkway. He looks peaceful. No more battles for him. No more wolves. The electronic lock is clicked open.

The three of us grab our fallen comrades’ weapons and security badges and head inside. The doors lock behind us and we are met with towels to dry ourselves off with. That is the least they could do. We hit the elevator button to go back to our floor and I know the only thing that waits for me is another expense report to be signed and filed.

I hope it rains on Thursday.

********

Have a good weekend.

This is the opening chapter of the book that I posted a random chapter of last Friday. I will also post a random chapter tomorrow. I thought I should at least post the first chapter sooner than later. It is a short chapter. Shorter than the other chapter and filled with less horror sex like the last one. To fill the void in your holidays here is the first chapter. Sorry it isn’t longer, that’s what she said.

Hmmm… I’ll also add in a music video to make this post feel longer. I like Lady Gaga. I like Francis Lawrence. And guess what? They made a video together. “Bad Romance” is the first single as far as I know from Lady Gaga’s new album “Fame Monster”. And you read that correctly, I do like Lady Gaga. She looks great in this video. The video and the song reminds me a lot of Annie Lennox and Madonna. I do have to say that I admit I am playing to my crowd a bit. I’m not posting videos of bands like The Chariott which I like as well (namely the song “Teach”). So I’ll stick to the dance/pop songs for this website.

If you do feel so inclined to hear more Lady Gaga or feel like memorizing things I prophesize and checking if they come true, the song “Teeth” by Lady Gaga is going to be huge.

***************************

10:33am – Wednesday

My name is Benjamin Calthase and I am a 24 year old graduate of a small liberal arts university you have never heard of with a BA in Sociology and a minor in Computer Engineering. I am 6 foot 2 and 200 pounds. I am white, I have sandy blonde hair, green eyes, I am out of shape and I have begun to question the decisions in my life that have led me to this present failure where I currently reside.

My dignity aside, I am wearing a white t-shirt splattered with condiment stains, basketball shorts I’ve never played basketball in and a pair of knee high white tube socks. I am watering my driveway. Technically it is not my driveway. It is my parents’ driveway. I have a garden hose in my right hand and I am slowly turning like a sprinkler soaking my parents’ new paved driveway. Unless this is a practical joke that my parents have pulled on me, you need to water a new paved driveway. It might be because it is the middle of summer and 90+ degrees with even more humidity here in residential suburban New Jersey. I didn’t bother to ask why I needed to water the driveway because it was not like I could say no.

I am unemployed and spend my days playing Call of Duty, jerking off, eating fast food, jerking off, watching my dog, downloading porn for tomorrow and wondering when God will grant/bestow upon me one of the jobs I randomly apply to online. Alluring subjects like “Entry-level” and “No experience required”, how could I not send them my pencil thin resume and a half-assed cover letter feigning all the excitement one could have for a data entry position at a non-profit for barely above minimum wage.

I’m sweating it is so hot. I’m just standing here watching the hose spew out gallon after gallon of clean water onto this hot black asphalt driveway. All I can think about are the poor Africans that we, Americans, are always so concerned about. Each and every one of those poor bastards dying in a genocide, dying from diseases, all dying from not having clean water and here I am in New Jersey standing here just hosing down this inanimate mass that I park my car on with the very same water that could save all their lives. That whole continent is just dying. Always dying.

Just imagine someone in some distant country taking all the edible food that one would need to keep them alive and taking that food and spreading it all over the ground and then running it all over with their car. I feel shitty about this. It is such a waste.

I’m hungry…

I don’t feel like making anything. I think I’ll just order a pizza. I should order it as soon as I finish this watering. You know what? I think I’ll download some of those porn videos where there is a pizza delivery guy and he sticks his dick through a hole in the bottom of the box and the half-naked fake boobed housewife or a freshman sorority chick he delivers it to opens the box and says something about wanting his big sausage. That will be a good theme for the day: eat a pizza then jerkoff to porn videos with pizza in it. I need to think of something to identify today from every other day or I won’t have any frame of reference. All these days bleed into each other and they never end.

Those poor Africans. All this water could be theirs. All this clean cold water for a lifeless slab of road for my parents to put their cars on.

Oh yeah, I live with my parents. Pathetic.

**************

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am not a Virgo. I am a Gemini which means my split personalities are to be expected and considered cute.

I see what you are all doing. Don’t pretend like I don’t know. I know. I know it and you know it. You should know it that I know it. Unless you don’t think I’m capable of knowing what you know because that is flat out ridiculous. I know what you know. I know what you don’t know. I know what you don’t want me to know. And I know you should know all of that. Just thought you should know.

Oh, Edward is a stalker. Edward is a creep. Edward hurts Bella. Edward is an old man. Edward is a 90+ year old virgin. Edward is controlling. Edward is gay. I made up the last one, but you get the picture.

You’re trying to take away my ammunition! You’re trying to cut holes in my sails! You’re trying to rain on my parade! You’re trying to tell me that when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s boyfriend in Donnie Darko beeps his horn when he drops her from their late night rendezvous that he is signaling to Donnie upstairs asleep in his bed that they made it from traveling back through time and that he needs to wake up to get out of bed so he isn’t killed by the airplane engine that is about to crush his house! I don’t buy that Richard Kelly! I don’t buy that her boyfriend in the bunny suit was apart of the time travel business! I need to stop exclaiming… I think he beeps his horn because he is saying goodnight to Maggie and that only Donnie travels through time. Donnie seeing the kid in the bunny outfit is some type of prophecy of time travel and not the actual kid in the bunny outfit. Donnie is just getting closer and closer to converging and breaking the time space continuum that his world is beginning to morph and collapse on itself like him seeing the time trails that look like the alien creature thing in The Abyss coming out of everyone’s stomachs at the party. And also….

Oh who am I kidding? That movie makes no fucking sense! It blinded me with Echo and the Bunnymen, an amazing Patrick Swayze cameo, talks of Smurfs fucking and, of course, time travel. Let alone that the amazing Tears for Fears cover would make any movie watchable. Any movie. Even that shit Twilight movie. Whoops! Awww… KSWI Jordan, why do you do that?

Your big plan is to detonate the bomb of Edward and Jacob hate by hating on them yourselves in the comment section, so I have nothing left to say. I see it. I like it. But it puts me in an awkward position. Awkward like my elevator ride earlier. Hey buddy, I know that no one is in the office today, but could you button at least three of those buttons on your shirt, not including the cuffs. The elevator ride was me, my coffee, and this guy’s chest hair. Zing! Thanks. That is exactly what I need to help me get through today.

So what do I do?

I could rewrite all the bad things that you say about Edward. I could rewrite them as if you didn’t write them already in the comments section because it isn’t like I read the comments section on my mountain of Mandom. And you’ve even ruined that for me right now. I can’t right “mandom” without thinking you are thinking about some “man” “dom” because you’re all a bunch of creeps who read slash fiction or something. Jeez. It’s the whole “that’s what she said” where I have to dissect everything I’m about to say to make sure it isn’t “that’s what she said” applicable. But I can’t stop myself anyway because it is too funny to say “that’s what she said”. Especially in public.

I could write how old Edward is. I could write about him living through World War I and II. I could write how Edward lived in a world prior to not only the word “airplane”, but the damn thing as well. I could write that Edward’s inexplicable ability to not find a mate in 100 years on this planet is not romantic, but CRAZY! I could write how mentally deranged Edward must be to not only do that, but to have lived through that. I could write that the idea of a 100 year old virgin is not an attribute women should fawn over. I could write that the idea a typical regular average Joe might not be great at sex, but a 100 year old virgin vampire will be so bad at sex and his concept of it will be so insane by that point that he’ll end up doing something so creepy it will scar you for life. I’m just saying don’t be surprised if he sticks his penis in your ear.

But you all know that already. And you don’t care!

I could write how Edward’s “immortal love” would get old real quick. I could write how in Edward’s world there is no such thing as “girl’s night out”. Edward will be tagging along to your “girl’s night”. Those nights where you go out with your friends to talk girl stuff and flirt with guys you have no intention of sleeping with (just being cock teases) and getting drunk on hard liquor and dancing and laughing about your current boyfriends or husbands or 100 year old newly de-virginized vampire lovers. Those nights don’t exist anymore. Edward will be at that bar. Edward will be creeping at the other end of the bar staring at you and your friends listening in on your conversations with his vampire ears. Your friends will see him because he both doesn’t want to be seen and wants to be seen at the same time because in reality he is prissier than the high school girl(s) he is attracted to.

I could write that you would have to teach Edward to be a hu-MAN. I could write how for a normal life with Edward you would need to get Edward into football or baseball or basketball or something that will suck up hundreds of hours of his life so that you can have some peace and quiet of your own. If you just want to snuggle up with a blanket in the living room reading the newest issue of US Weekly on a Saturday – that just won’t happen. I could write how Edward will be in that room with you. I could write how Edward will just longingly stare at you for the entire time and whisper the lyrics of Every Breath You Take to you. But he doesn’t know that song. He thinks he is coming up with this off the top of his head because that is how he feels. Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.

Romantic? No. I’ve seen girls. I’ve met girls. I know girls. You will all hate that shit. It might be cute for a week or at best a month, but in the end you will hate that shit.

I could write that your relationship with Edward will end badly. I could write that your whirlwind relationship of “immortal love” will begin with you fucking his brains out. Good job. After you have “romantically” fucked his brains out you will have opened the flood gates forever for his creep ways. You have waited how long for him to come along in your life? It is only a fraction of time compared to him. He has waited for OVER 100 YEARS FOR YOU! Guess what? He is going to spend every waking and sleeping second with you. This is bad news. You will try to reason with him. But vampires who believe in immortal love and have sacrificed a 100 years of sex on the chance of your existence don’t understand reason. He will never stop being right next to you, saying weird stuff and never leave you alone.

Edward will leave you childish love notes written in some archaic turn of the century poetic style that doesn’t even resemble modern romantic poetry that you will read and roll your eyes at and shrug at and throw away and he will find them thrown away and cry to himself because you are not saving them in some scrap book for the rest of fucking time.

He’ll tell you all the boring stories of his life over and over and over again. Why are they boring? Because a guy willing to not have sex for over a 100 years is motherfucking boring. He is not a cool guy. He also drives a Volvo. BY CHOICE! He has no concept of safety standards and he doesn’t have children. He is also filthy rich. He just wants to drive a Volvo. Edward will tell you his boring stories and talk about waiting all these years for you and he’ll always be pushing you to walk in the woods with him. Ugh! Enough with the fucking woods! There is poison ivy in the woods! Our house is infested with bugs because we carry them from all those stupid woods walks back into the house! My feet have calluses from all this woods walking! There are skunks out there! If I spend enough time in the woods I will get skunked! Is that what you want my immortal lover? Me to get skunked!?!

You will fight. You will have arguments, but he won’t understand why he can’t just be with you all the time and why you don’t love him in the creep every second ever love way that he does for you. So this relationship will go one of two ways. You’ll try to change him or you’ll dump him. Or you’ll cheat on him and get him to dump you if you are passive aggressive, but we don’t have time for that one… also shhhhhhhh girls don’t ever do that. No matter what, this relationship is going to end at some point. Let’s go down avenue A which makes the charade last a little bit longer.

I could write about how you will try to make him that typical guy with the sports or videogames or hobbies, but they won’t take. Now that Edward has you he doesn’t need thunderstorm baseball plus he’ll want you there watching him play thunderstorm baseball when/if he does play it. You’re going to need him to develop a drinking problem and find friends that are questionable who take him out to strip clubs or shady bars or to a football game every Sunday. Just like a typical guy. You need Edward to have those friends not only to suck up his time, but so you can yell at him for having some morally questionable friends that you don’t get along with. All of this is because currently his hobby is you. He needs another hobby. Life is long. Real long. Unless you die, life is fucking looooooooooooooonnnnnggggggg. Edward isn’t going anywhere and that will be very tiring.

In the end, Edward will not take on any hobbies. He has waited for 100 years for you and nothing else will compare. I could write about how you will fight again. This time you will break up. You will blame him for being too clingy as well as a host of other problems that may or may not be true, but will be added to the list to make you feel justified in dumping this sap. I could write how you will have ruined Edward. I could write you have taken his virginity, robbed him of his love, dumped him and you will move on while he will fall into a downward spiral of vice. I could write how Edward will turn to cocaine, vodka, and blood cocktails and he’ll womanize with prostitutes. Edward will fall into the depths of addiction from drugs to sex to gambling to drunk dialing you until you need to change your number, address and move altogether.

I could write how in the end, Edward will be killed by Fake-Michael Sheen or Fake-Dakota Fanning because he has disgraced himself. I could write how he will be glad that they will finally end his life. I could write after 100 years of virginal vampiral life, Edward will be dead within a year of loving one human woman.

I could write that. But I won’t.

Hmmmm… what about Jacob?

I could write “seriously!?! That guy!” I could write that girls choosing Jacob cannot be seen as anything more than just wanting to see him take his shirt off. There is no “immortal love” there. That is lowest common denominator. Girls being attracted to Jacob is like guys being attracted to Megan Fox. Purely superficial. There is no romance or future in that. I could write how I don’t even have to get creative here because no one is trying to justify that relationship than he has muscles and is pretty. I could write that I see nothing wrong with this superficialism as long as people don’t act like there is anything else there.

I could write that none of you would respect him. I could write that since he is so pretty and musclely that you’ll all immediately judge him as being retarded. I could write how we all do that already for really good looking people. I could write that anyone physically over a 9 we think might have a 60 IQ. I could write that whether he is smart or not you’ll still treat him like an idiot. I could write that if Jacob is smarter than you or just as smart as you then you will hold that against him and hate him out of spite. I could write that Jacob is a part of a pack of wolves who are like brothers to him and how they live to help each other. I could write that you will call Jacob and his wolf brothers “gay” during an argument and maybe all arguments with him.

I could write that you will belittle Jacob for not being the leader of the wolf pack even though you have told him that you don’t want him to be leader of a violent and murderous pack of supernatural vampire fighting wolves. I could write that Jacob will eventually spend more and more time with the wolf pack because of these fights and you will call him a coward from running away from your life together.

Or I could write that Jacob will one day kill you or horribly scar you because he is a fucking werewolf either with his claws or from “phasing” or whatever it was that was mentioned in the comments.

I could write that, but I won’t.

I guess I’ll just skip to my conclusion because I didn’t get a chance to write anything that I wanted today because of you women and your devious plots against me. I was going to say that I think Bella should pick neither of these guys: Jacob or Edward. I would have gone on to say how I think both of these guys are asking way too much from a teenage girl. These guys have lives that are way too serious for someone to be wrapped up in at such a young age. I wanted to say that these guys live very complicated lives and your first, second, third et cetera relationships should not be this complicated.

I was going to write that my personal opinion is that Bella should keep it in her pants until she gets to college.

Bella should go to college. Bella should meet some normal people. Bella should hang out with humans. Bella should try to avoid wildly dangerous situations like marrying a vampire and/or a werewolf for awhile. Bella should experience the world first before she decides to enter a mythical battle between fairy tale monsters. If one can avoid the pitfalls of life then one should avoid them. Marrying a vampire and becoming a vampire are a lot worse decisions at eighteen than getting a tramp stamp tattoo in Cancun on Spring Break. You can’t undid being a vamp or having Edward watch you when you sleep every night always and when you try to take naps.

At the same time, who the fuck is this Bella chick? From what I can tell she isn’t anything special. So she might want to grab a hold of Edward or Jacob right now before they realize they should’ve proposed to a chick who can hold up her end of the conversation and maybe has something in common with them. So who am I to judge? Edward’s rich and Jacob’s jacked. That might be enough.

That being said…

I do like the soundtrack to New Moon. And Kristen Stewart wants IT. I laughed until I cried while watching the movie. I was laughing at all the girls screaming. I was laughing at the ridiculousness of full scenes based around these guys walking in slow motion or taking their shirts off. I was laughing at how much Kristen Stewart wanted it. I was laughing a lot. I was also drunk. I enjoyed it in all that regard. I’ve had fun talking about it with the people who have seen it or haven’t seen it. It never gets old hearing someone tell me how poorly written the books are, but how badly I need to read them because they are great. Not one book, but all four. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that, but I like it.

I think my review for New Moon is done. I would talk about Kristen more, but she really didn’t seem like the focus of the movie in the least. She is just kind of there. I think these movies are terrible vehicles to prove whether or not she is an actress, but they’ll make her famous enough that some real director with a real script will take that gamble on her. I would like to see her in a Spike Jonze movie, pretty much.

Thursday and Friday posts will be more random chapters from that book idea from last Friday. Also,

Happy Thanksgiving

Hmmmm… I was wondering why I didn’t see any responses. I forgot to click “publish” an hour ago. Interesting.

I’m a little disappointed. There was no ass, let alone black ass, on television last night. Or there could have been, but I didn’t see it. I watched Monday Night Football and can you believe there was not one play where a guy got his pants ripped off? I would like to point out that the term “depantsing” was the term of choice that I saw people using and even I got caught up in that whirlwind of verbage. But “depantsing” is somewhat a redundant phrase. The act of “pantsing” someone is not putting pants on them. “Pantsing” someone is pulling their pants down. So to “pants” or to “depants” are the same actions. What is the term to put someone’s pants on for them? “Helpful”?

There was a great football game last night between the Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans. One great aspect to sports is the “nickname”. Thinking up a nickname that truly fits a certain person is an art form. Everyone in your everyday life does not deserve a great nickname, but all professional football players deserve a nickname because they are all crazy. Also, if you use a nickname for a player it sounds like you know more about them than maybe you do. The one nickname I have been focusing on a lot recently is “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning.

Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach and current Monday Night Football color commentator, Jon Gruden, has been pushing the nickname “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning. I love it. He mentions it a lot regardless of whether Peyton is playing in the game that he is commentating on. The one problem is that Jon’s explanation of “The Sheriff” is a bad one. He believes Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because “he always gets his man”. No homo, right? I don’t care for that explanation because well it sounds stupid. My interpretation:

Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because he is the law.

I like that much better. Peyton Manning is the law out on the field when he is playing. He is calling the plays, the audibles, pointing out coverages, confusing the defense, telling people to shift et cetera. Peyton Manning is that offense when he plays. The Colts’ greatness lives and dies by Peyton’s arm. Much like Judge Dredd, Peyton Manning is the law.

Just some food for thought. And if you know Jon Gruden please tell him. If you know Peyton Manning, I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM! I have a television show idea for Peyton that he would be absolutely perfect for. But I digress…

New Moon? To say that I didn’t understand much of the logic behind New Moon would be a big understatement. A “big understatement” like “I think that Kristen Stewart chick wants it” or “I think a couple girls in the theater wanted New Moon to turn into graphic porn when Bella hugged the shirtless Jacob” or “I think KSWI Jordan likes that song ‘Dead Man’s Party’ by Oingo Boingo.” Like it!?! I fucking love it. I listen to it all the time. It is Danny Elfman in an 80’s new wave band and it’s in a pivotal scene of Back to School. So yes, I love that song. And Kristen Stewart wants IT so bad my brain’s ability to perceive colors is damaged when I look at her. All I see is a halo of light that screams want which was distracting while watching the movie. What did that blur of all colors say? I’m partially deaf because that “thing” just wants it so bad all I can hear is my brain vibrating.

The following are a list of themes, subplots or individual scenes that I found particularly troubling while watching Twilight: New Moon.

Domestic Violence

I was expecting New Moon to be light-hearted and funny. And nothing is more light-hearted and funny than a reoccurring subplot about domestic violence. Oh don’t we all get a big chuckle out of domestic violence. You know what is even funnier than good ole’ domestic violence is when the chick is cool with it. HAHAHAH… funny stuff, right? Wasn’t that flat out hysterical when we found out that the head werewolf, Sam, attacked his lady and she completely forgave him. That is a great message to teach the teen girls in the audience. A new generation of young women thinking it is not only A-OK to date a werewolf if the option presented itself, but when he attacks you it is your job to just get over it. Oh wait, there are no werewolves, so the closest thing would just be some steroided jock in high school who will attack you instead.

I was also amazed that the question of whether or not Jacob would attack Bella was not a question at all. Jacob will attack Bella at some point. It isn’t “if”, it is purely “when”. So, yeah. If Bella is cool with getting her face clawed half off like Sam’s chick then all will be fine and we can begin planning the wedding. But if Bella wants to be an uppity-bitch about a 600 pound werewolf using her as a punching bag then maybe they shouldn’t rub foreheads together anymore.

Sidenote: The one werewolf who does almost attack Bella before Jacob literally jumps in, that guy’s apology was not sufficient. That’s an understatement. Hey dude, what the mother eff!?! Did you just turn into a werewolf and try to attack a girl? First off, hitting chicks is not cool. Second off, hitting chicks when you transform into an 8 foot tall mythical beast with unimaginable power is really not cool. But what should I expect? Their leader is beating his wife and they are all expecting to attack whatever lucky lady they decide to rope into this morbid fantasy world. Seriously Twilight? Chicks getting beat up?

Bella Always Has To Be Protected

Half of this movie was people and/or Bella herself talking about how she needs to be protected. From what? By who? If Bella really needs to be protected from vampires then she shouldn’t get a vampire to protect her. She should stop hanging out with vampires altogether. I am good friends with some ladies in this world. Our friendship is not built around my ability to protect them from vampires. If it is then I was not aware of that. Back to the issue, the reason why our friendship is not based around me protecting them from vampires is because they do not hang out with vampires who have vampire enemies that feel the need to kill the first vampires’ human friends. You might be saying “but vampires don’t exist” or do they?

Either way, Anna Kendrick’s character who might as well not be in the movie as well as 90% of the people in the movie because no one bothers to write a decent side character in this movie… She is not being attacked by vampires. Reason being she is not hanging out with vampires. So when Edward leaves to protect Bella that makes perfect fucking sense. Bella finding Edward to be protected by him again makes no fucking sense. Plus he sucks at fighting. He got pwned by that Felix guy. Edward better hope that whatever vampire does attack Bella sucks at fighting because currently Edward sucks at fighting. And Dakota Fanning beat him up too. I’m not saying he should’ve beat her up because I’m anti-guys hitting girls (unlike some werewolves I know), but he shouldn’t get beat up by a 15 year old.

And as far as Jacob goes, I’m not sure who he is protecting her from because he needs to worry more about how he is going to one day tear her face off with his damn claws.

Any danger Bella is in is 100% caused by herself getting involved with either one of these idiots. And she is an idiot for getting involved with them. I guarantee none of the other kids in their high school have any of the problems that Bella has because they are not fraternizing with MONSTERS! Monsters that are both widely known to attack HUMAN BEINGS!

There is also mention of Bella protecting Edward at points. Who mentions this? Bella does of course. This chick is out of her fucking mind! Who are you protecting him from? Not a vampire. Not a werewolf. Not any girl over 5’5” most likely.

Charlie aka Bella’s Father

I have a lot of problems with how the character of Charlie is treated in this movie. I don’t know Charlie all that well and that is why first and foremost I am going to refer to him as MR. SWAN! Who the fuck are these kids that they are calling him Charlie all the time? Is it my imagination or do you not call your friends’ parents by their first names? I don’t walk around my friend’s house calling his parents Bill and Erica. I give them some age respect and call them by their last name. These punks keep calling him “Charlie” all the time. When did you and “Charlie” start going on fishing trips together? He is Mr. Swan. He is also the chief of police or sheriff or whatever. Sir or Mr. Swan or Officer. Whatever. But not “Charlie”.

Oh yeah, I’m going to call him “Charlie” because I want to be like the cool kids.

Also, when did Charlie become the albatross around Bella’s neck? Everyone is guilting Bella into doing one thing or another and using Charlie as the excuse. Bella you need to stay to watch over Charlie. Charlie? You mean her father!?! Charlie is a grown man with a grown man’s job. In the details of his job he carries a gun. A GUN! He can take care of himself. If anything his life would be so much easier if his crazy daughter wasn’t around screaming all night. The man is sleeping on the couch because his 18 year old daughter has night terrors from her boyfriend inexplicably leaving! Does he know anything about her boyfriend who sparkles in sunlight, is listless, skin complexion of alabaster and looks 35? Does he know anything about why his 18 year old daughter is fixing motorcycles with the Native American kid who now is enormous with muscles or why his daughter goes backpacking through the forest by herself?

If Charlie was kept in the loop of any of Bella’s decision making maybe Charlie could help. I’m not saying Charlie has any experience dating vampires or a werewolf, but he may have some common sense reasoning that could help. I’m not sure the best person to ask advice about dating a vampire would be another vampire considering they’re perspective is a little skewed. Plus they’re a vampire that already wants to be besties with you and wants you and Ed to be together forever. And she is a chick and chicks are crazy.

At the very least, maybe Bella simply saying the stupid stuff she is planning on doing out loud to another human being who actually has concerns for her mortal safety will by nature illicit a physical facial tick or saying “Seriously!?! You’re going to Italy!?!” or “You can not fucking just live in the woods Bella!” or “This is not a cliff diving family!”, you know… just something. They paint Charlie as the “stupid dad” like in TV commercials. Oh it’s Dad’s night to watch the kids. The kids will probably electrocute themselves or die in a house fire because stupid Dad is watching them. Maybe Dad wouldn’t be so stupid if his kid said “Hey Dad, I was dating a monster that eats people and he left me and I’m now thinking about getting on the back of this rapists motorcycle for adrenaline kicks. What do you think about that?” Charlie can help, trust me.

October/November/December

This will sound nit-picky, but that one shot of Bella sitting in her room with the names of the months appearing was stupid. Completely unnecessary and it did not fit with the rest of the film. There are no words that appear in any other variety in the movie. They do not introduce characters with any words on the screen or introduce any other months or settings. They don’t write “ITALY” when she is in ITALY all of a sudden. The months’ names were distracting. Your audience is not so retarded that they wouldn’t understand that seeing three separate scenes occurring out a window is obviously supposed to signify time passing. Or settle it the other way and actually establish a time line.

The first scene is apparently August because it is the start of school or at the very latest September. Write September or August there. Follow this up with your worthless October/November/December scene and continue showing month by month. Or is the suggestion that everything after that “December” rotation is all happening in the month of December. If that is the case then that is just even more ridiculous.

Romeo & Juliet Metaphor

This movie is not Romeo & Juliet. Very subtle Chris Weitz with the book and the movie, but it is not Romeo & Juliet. The reason why Romeo and Juliet cannot be together isn’t because they simply come from “different worlds” or however people feel the need to boil it down. Romeo and Juliet actually come from strikingly similar worlds, but there is a war between their families that is stopping them. The Cullens and the Swans are not stopping this marriage between Ed and Bella. The “Swans” aka “Charlie” is more in the dark than Stevie Wonder. No one tells that guy shit. The reason why Bella can’t/shouldn’t be with Ed is because he is a FUCKING VAMPIRE! And as it turns out he has beef with other vampires and those vampires want to kill her. Also, if she does really want to be with him she needs to BECOME A VAMPIRE!

That is not Romeo & Juliet. There are plenty of other stories where there is a bad match, but they love each other anyway for whatever reason, so stop trying to bastardize Shakespeare.

High School

I never tried too hard in school, but at some point I did have to sit down and write a paper or 100. Am I the only not buying Ed and Jacob studying for an Algebra 2 test? Or give oral reports in Spanish class? Is no one doing homework ever? When does Jacob have time to study when he is running around killing vampires in the woods? Was there not a single phone call placed by the school wondering where the hell Bella was when she was in Italy and not school or was sleeping in a hole in the forest and not in gym class? Nothing? This book is an indictment of our public school system in the Pacific Northwest.

108 Year Old Guy With A 17 Year Old Girlfriend

I will talk about this subject more tomorrow, but am I the only one who finds this disturbing? I know chicks want a guy who loves them and everything, but the dude is 108 and your 17. If you are imagining yourself as Bella and then Ed comes along and proposes immortal love to you, aren’t you a little freaked the motherfuck out? You’re 17 years old!

I am 26 years old. If I told you that I fell in love and it will be for the rest of my life with a 17 year old high school junior then you would call the authorities. You would call the police immediately. You would give them all the information about my wrist tattoos, height, New Jersey et cetera. You would think I’m a creep and you would get the police involved.

Now imagine, I’m 36. Oh God! It is worse! And what if I’m 46? 56? 66? 76? THE DUDE IS FUCKING 108 YEARS OLD!!!!!! I don’t care how young he looks. Do you think it is cool if Benjamin Button at 70 years old, but looks 15 has sex with another 15 year old? Or what about Webster? He always looks 12. He shouldn’t be allowed to get down with a 12 year old.

Are we now saying that a 17 year old girl is fully mature enough to make decisions about being with a 108 year old man? A man who also is a vampire. I’m not comfortable with that decision. Also, I hope these numbers are correct. She said she was 18 in the movie and he said he was 109 I thought. Last year the original came out, so she would be 17 and he would be 108.

Also, is Jacob her age? Or is he a century old too?

Lastly…

The one scene I did enjoy was the slow motion wolf chase of Rachelle Lefevre. It was not for the reason that was mentioned in the comments section. Sure Rachelle is very cute and watching her “bounce” up and down as she slow motion ran through the forest was cool and all. The reason why it was the scene I truly enjoined was that plus Thom Yorke’s song “Hearing Damage” was in the background. Excellent song. I’m not sure how or why they got Thom Yorke to make a song for this movie, but it was great to hear. I kind of wanted that scene to go on forever.

I think Rachelle is good looking, but who is really going to notice that she is getting replaced. I barely remember her from the first movie and she is in this movie for maybe 2 minutes. 120 seconds of running in the woods is not worth keeping around for sentimental reasons. Maybe in the third movie they’ll actually have her character talk or do something especially since she is the bad guy, right?

All these pictures have been of her obviously and she wants it. Not too much though. She kind of wants it like “I can’t believe I’m in Twilight! It is amazing! I’m going to be Victoria! That is so cool! What?… What was that? It sounded like you said I’m actually only going to be in the movie for less time it took for KSWI Jordan to write this fake dialogue. Hunh? I still get paid right?” So not so much. I like the red hair though. Did she win a sweepstakes to get the role and some found out? I’m confused.

Nevertheless, the soundtrack was pretty good. It is indie, girlie, moody, but good.

It happened. I saw it. I had the single greatest viewing experience of my entire life.

I saw all the glory.

I was humbled by its brilliance.

I was in awe.

This weekend, my previous perspective on life, love, death and “why are we all here” was shattered. It was demolished. It was completely destroyed. And now I have been born anew.

It was the closest to God’s face I will ever see with these mortal eyes and I wept.

This past weekend, I saw…

Devin Hester’s ass

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Did you think I was talking about Twilight: New Moon? Oh I saw that crap, but I’ll get to that later. This was infinitely better than that movie.

That’s his butt right there! I couldn’t believe it. I’ll set this scenario up for you:

Dawgz and I are watching TV. We’re watching the Sunday night football game of the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Chicago Bears. The Eagles are winning in the 4th quarter with only a minute and a half left. The Bears have the ball and the whole game is resting on what will Jay Cutler be able to do in this 90 seconds with no timeouts. Can he drive the ball down field for a game winning touchdown? Will he throw another interception? Could he throw a 3rd and 1 pass short and low over the middle for Chicago Bears’ wide receiver Devin Hester to barely miss, but for Philadelphia Eagles’ cornerback Dimitri Patterson to attempt a tackle which concludes with him depantsing Devin Hester on national television? YES WE CAN!

Unreal! Dawgz and I didn’t notice it in real time, but every play is crucial in football so they do a slow motion replay to show what went wrong or right. In the replay, I was watching the short pass and watching Hester trying to catch it off his shoelaces while remaining standing so he could run for it. He should have just dove for it to get the first down because it was 3rd and 1, but it was a valiant effort trying to catch and remain standing. Then Patterson flies in and grabs Hester exactly where the Lord, our Father, intended him to: his damn pants. He spins, falls, and brings Hester’s pants with him to the ground. My first reaction was:

“Did I just see Devin Hester’s black ass on my television?”

OH YES I DID! Thank the Creator for DVR folks! Dawgz rewinds it and we pause it right where there is a perfect ass shot of Devin Hester in the middle of my TV. For the next 10 – 30 minutes, Dawgz and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably through so many tears that Devin Hester’s black ass was completely exposed on network television and was now a frozen static image on my HD TV.

I immediately took my cell phone. Took a picture and then sent it to all of my friends. We also watched the depantsing a hundred more times. Unbelievable. Also I love Devin Hester. I did before, but this only adds to his myth already. His ass is so black too. There are a lot of brothers in the league, but their asses aren’t literally that black as Hester’s is. If Laverneus Coles got depantsed on Sunday against the Raiders we all know his ass would look like a frappucino. Or if Osi Umenyoura from the Giants got depantsed I would put my money on his ass being a cafe mocha with just a touch of Matt Hasslebeck’s ass, milk, in there. Even some really black guys who have an ass color that resembles straight coffee isn’t as black as Hester’s ass. His ass is the damn coffee bean!

Anyway, in all honesty I think I should stop talking about the NFL because someone might feel tempted to mention that my Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Chiefs, the FUCKING CHIEFS!?!, and I can only think of one word that will describe what I will do to them and everyone they know or have ever known: holocaust. That’s right. I will holocaust you.

So… Devin Hester’s ass is wonderful. And I saw that fucking movie with the vampires and the high school kids and the werewolves and the mysterious lack of plot development, story arcs, acting skills, writing, and sense.

This week will be a short week as far as Kristen Stewart related material goes. Today, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will review New Moon in 3 parts. Today’s part will focus on the actual movie going experience and my initial thoughts. Tomorrow will be an in depth look at specific moments and themes in the film, Wednesday will end the immortal debate of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob and I’ll choose which one of these assholes should get Bella. Thursday is Thanksgiving and Friday is hangover day from Thanksgiving. I will try to post some more chapters like I did from last Friday’s post which I’m glad you all seemed to like.

As for my review, I think you noticed already that I referred to them as Edward, Jacob and Bella. Since I literally saw and heard this movie, I will be using their character names. But I’ll probably also break into Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor when I see fit. So try to stay with me.

Where were you November 20th, 2009? John F. Kennedy on 11/22, the Twin Towers on 9/11 and now New Moon!

That’s what I leaned over and said to Dawgz while in the movie theater. Yes, I did in fact see the movie with Dawgz. I originally had plans to see the movie with other people and they canceled maybe because they realized they would actually have to see the movie. So in one last ditch effort, one hail Mary pass, I convinced Dawgz to see the movie with me. He had never seen the first in any capacity and had no interest to, but he was a little interested to see this. He refused for several hours, but what eventually sold him was my invoking: the United States Army Rangers.

Neither of us are military men nor come from a military family. But everyone knows that the motto of the Army Rangers is “never leave a man behind” which we learned from hundreds of action movies. I threw it out there that Dawgz was not being a Ranger and he was shredded by that idea. It was a low blow, but I couldn’t see this movie alone. Calling out Dawgz’s manhood by saying he would leave a fellow Ranger on the battlefield alone was a confrontational moment in our apartment, but it had to be done. Dawgz took up the mantel and proved his manliness, his Army Ranger-ness by going to see a 2 hour movie that teen girls to grown women soil themselves at the mere mention of.

We arrived at the movie theater already a little fucked up and I brought with me 2 airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels. I bought a coke from the refreshment stand and told the guy he only had to fill it half way. He was thoroughly perplexed that I would pay full price for a half filled drink, but I assured him whether I was crazy or not that is what I wanted. Then I poured my happy juice into the coke and mixed it around to provide myself the perfect elixir to watch this movie with. I was right and wrong. I should have brought a whole fucking bottle.

Needless to say, the theater was sold out. By my estimates it was 90% vagina. I did see a few guys there, but not many. It was the 4pm showing so it was a little too early for date night. The two major uterus groups were girls who got out of school and women who left work early. I actually heard a few women talking about how they had to go back to work now and didn’t know if they could function normally now that they saw the movie. There were probably some gay guys there, but not many. I think the gays actually made the venture into NYC to watch the movie. The guys I saw seemed to be tagging along with girls they went to school with or were closeted homos and I didn’t notice. I know a couple people who saw it in the theaters in NYC and their gay guy report was that gay guys are on Team Jacob. They love Taylor. I buy that. Gay guys are in great shape. And so is Taylor. So that would make sense.

Being in the theater reminded me of high school or more so the cafeteria again. Being in a room where so many people are talking at the same time that it sounds like a car crash. It isn’t people yelling. It is fast and emphatic dialogue between hundreds of people and when all blended together like 50 violins playing the same note at once it becomes deafening. There was such a palatable excitement in there and every second the movie drew closer the more I couldn’t fucking believe I was sitting there seeing this damn movie. Seriously, I saw New Moon in theaters on opening day!?! There are so many movies I want to see that are in theaters or have been in theaters this year and I didn’t see them, but I saw this opening day.

The trailers started and I wasn’t ready for this at all. It became abundantly clear two or three trailers in that this was going to be more wild than I could have expected. I’ve seen plenty of movies with crazy fans before. I saw all the three Lord of the Rings movies on midnight showings, I saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight and Matrix Revolutions at 9:30am as a part of the opening worldwide at the same time premiere, I saw the Star Wars trilogy reissue opening night for each and then I saw the second Star Wars trilogy at their midnights as well. I have seen nerd movies with nerds and none of them were nearly as ridiculous as this was. I know you tried to warn me that there would be screaming, but I thought you were being neurotic and hyperbolic like how women do with everything. You were right. I was wrong.

The second or third trailer was for Remember Me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t know what Remember Me was, but Robert Pattinson is in it and when he appeared on screen in the first second after the green preview screen went away the place fucking erupted. I’m talking about Muhammad Ali knocking out George Foreman in the jungles of Africa erupted. I’m talking about America seeing Devin Hester’s black ass in slow motion HD on NBC erupted. It was absolutely ridiculous. The cacophony of screaming and shrilling. It sounded like their excitement was being torn out of their bodies. Like it was forcing itself through their pores and being yanked out of their mouths by a steel cable. It was insane. And this was for a stupid trailer. I couldn’t even comprehend what the movie was going to be like. The movie did eventually start after maybe 2 dozen trailers that have equally ludicrous romance immortal love plots like Twilight has.

When the theater went dark, these Twihards took control like this was martial law. They barked and shushed every sound because their holy grail was about to start playing. So let’s talk about this movie. I’m going to talk “spoilers” over the next few days. Since the movie did go on to make 140 million fucking dollars then you should or have seen it.

New Moon is slow. Real slow. Like everything that happens in it is slow. The opening credits were so slow it was mind numbingly ridiculous. This is a teenage vampire book, not The Ten Commandments! It felt like it took 10 minutes for New Moon to fully appear and disappear on the screen.

Kristen Stewart appears on screen and no noise. This is why the WNBA fails. Women are not out there supporting other women. You can’t allow this to fall on men. As men we already have the NBA and now you want us to watch another NBA, but filled with women. It is too much. No screaming or clapping for Miss Wants It when she showed up. And she did want it. She wants it this whole damn movie. From the awkward scenes of her in high school to her screaming in her bed to her running through Italy to the dozen or so scenes of her being driven home in her own car and then the guy driving the car gets to her house and drops her off only to run home alone in the woods – Kristen Stewart fucking wants it. But we all knew that.

It didn’t take long, but Edward shows up. In what was the first of many scenes completely based around glamor shots of either Rob or Taylor, Edward slow mo walks from his Volvo with the wind blowing his shirt to the side through the parking lot of the high school. Not one of the fellow high schoolers find this at all weird. Those kids need to be tested for proper brain activity because he does not look, act or at all seem like a high schooler. Slow motion catwalk strutting does not happen in high school parking lots and especially not in the woodsy town they are in. Also, my ears are bleeding from the screaming inside the theaters.

Ed and Bella have a nice weirdo awkward conversation with some of their classic head rubbing. It isn’t kissing. It is more like how two puppies show affection, rubbing noses and foreheads. So weird. Why on Earth would a girl want a guy who acted like this is beyond me? Hey honey, what’s up? I’m not going to kiss you hello. I’m going to passionately rub hairline against yours. But this scene stuck with me because it was my first taste of Twilight acting and writing. Phenomenal.

Twilight is so serious. So serious. The closest thing it resembled to me was Spanish Soap Operas, but it was drab and moody and with better special effects. Also this was my first time hearing Ed/Rob/Fake-Rob speak as this new iconic romantic figure. So my first impression of the great Edward Cullen, the great Robert Pattinson, was and continued to be one word the entire movie: Listless.

This motherfucker is the most listless person ever! He has no lists! Absent of lists! It was absurd. He has no energy ever. Someone get these vampires some Red Bulls because for fuck’s sake they’re all on the verge of napping. I’m not entirely sure how being a vampire works with maintaining your insulin levels, but Ed may be hypoglycemic and he may need a bag of graham crackers for a pick me up.

Then Taylor! Taylor Lautner aka Jacob shows up in the parking lot too. I think this might have been the only scene where he had his shirt on, regardless the girls screamed like a bomb went off. It was nuts. This screaming by Team Jacob prompted Team Edward girls to boo which meant the rest of the movie was a tug of war for these girls to out scream and out boo each other through out the rest of the movie when either one of these jackasses appeared on screen.

Jacob is not listless. Jacob is just kind of creepy. Ed is a creep show too, but a lot of that comes from him being pale and having no sugar in his body to speak of. As for Jacob, he is part small child and part Olympic level body builder which is freaky.

So the whole movie for the most part followed these templates:

1. Robert Pattinson is on screen listless doing the worst James Dean/Marlon Brando impression. Whatever he says is so low in the sound mix I can’t hear it and the ear piercing screeches of teenage girls is so loud my vision is blurred.

2. Taylor Lautner is on screen and has no shirt on. This is followed by the sounds of an entire theater of females violently orgasming whether they want to or not.

3. Kristen Stewart wanting it while making obscenely terrible decisions.

That is the majority of the movie.

There was more action in this movie than the last, so I can’t imagine it was worse than the first. So I imagine you all liked this one more. Also it didn’t have an unexplainable baseball scene. There was an unexplainable double date scene though.

The thing I don’t understand though is the idea of you all not wanting to see the movie with the screaming girls. That made the movie for me. The movie itself is not good. It is at best as dramatically amazing as an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (the original or remake). Seeing the movie in the circus that was screaming girls was hysterical. I couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of the movie and even more so the absurdity of these girls screaming when either guy appeared on screen. And I get them screaming. I get that these girls wanted to see this movie to scream because they think Rob or Taylor or both are hot. I get that. Guys don’t do that, but I get that. Guys don’t see Baywatch in theaters and scream at how hot they girls look in slow motion running down the beach. But I get the fun in it.

What I don’t get is seeing the movie to see the movie. I don’t get that you actually want to hear the dialogue and follow the plot of Bella all of a sudden flying commercially to Italy and then being driven around in a yellow Porsche to then run through the streets of some Italian city to get there just in time before Ed steps out into the sunlight to sparkle during the middle of some ritualistic ceremony for a holiday about getting rid of vampires in Italy…. WTF! Come on! Really? This is what you want to really see or hear? The girls screaming and going nuts because Rob has his shirt off make 100% sense. I get it. He is a listless motherfucker, but he has a flat stomach with those angular bones down by his waist line. He is Calvin Klein early 90’s heroin sheik. I get that. But the plot? Come on!

There is no way you two can fight each other without hurting me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Dawgz laughed so hard when he heard that line that it caused the whole theater to start laughing. The movie was fun in that sense, but that doesn’t justify $140 million. Girls are crazy.

Tomorrow – I’ll talk about specific reoccurring themes in the movie that really irked me and the one scene that I actually enjoyed.

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