My Full Review of “Twilight: New Moon”…. in 3 parts – PART I

November 23, 2009

It happened. I saw it. I had the single greatest viewing experience of my entire life.

I saw all the glory.

I was humbled by its brilliance.

I was in awe.

This weekend, my previous perspective on life, love, death and “why are we all here” was shattered. It was demolished. It was completely destroyed. And now I have been born anew.

It was the closest to God’s face I will ever see with these mortal eyes and I wept.

This past weekend, I saw…

Devin Hester’s ass




Did you think I was talking about Twilight: New Moon? Oh I saw that crap, but I’ll get to that later. This was infinitely better than that movie.

That’s his butt right there! I couldn’t believe it. I’ll set this scenario up for you:

Dawgz and I are watching TV. We’re watching the Sunday night football game of the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Chicago Bears. The Eagles are winning in the 4th quarter with only a minute and a half left. The Bears have the ball and the whole game is resting on what will Jay Cutler be able to do in this 90 seconds with no timeouts. Can he drive the ball down field for a game winning touchdown? Will he throw another interception? Could he throw a 3rd and 1 pass short and low over the middle for Chicago Bears’ wide receiver Devin Hester to barely miss, but for Philadelphia Eagles’ cornerback Dimitri Patterson to attempt a tackle which concludes with him depantsing Devin Hester on national television? YES WE CAN!

Unreal! Dawgz and I didn’t notice it in real time, but every play is crucial in football so they do a slow motion replay to show what went wrong or right. In the replay, I was watching the short pass and watching Hester trying to catch it off his shoelaces while remaining standing so he could run for it. He should have just dove for it to get the first down because it was 3rd and 1, but it was a valiant effort trying to catch and remain standing. Then Patterson flies in and grabs Hester exactly where the Lord, our Father, intended him to: his damn pants. He spins, falls, and brings Hester’s pants with him to the ground. My first reaction was:

“Did I just see Devin Hester’s black ass on my television?”

OH YES I DID! Thank the Creator for DVR folks! Dawgz rewinds it and we pause it right where there is a perfect ass shot of Devin Hester in the middle of my TV. For the next 10 – 30 minutes, Dawgz and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably through so many tears that Devin Hester’s black ass was completely exposed on network television and was now a frozen static image on my HD TV.

I immediately took my cell phone. Took a picture and then sent it to all of my friends. We also watched the depantsing a hundred more times. Unbelievable. Also I love Devin Hester. I did before, but this only adds to his myth already. His ass is so black too. There are a lot of brothers in the league, but their asses aren’t literally that black as Hester’s is. If Laverneus Coles got depantsed on Sunday against the Raiders we all know his ass would look like a frappucino. Or if Osi Umenyoura from the Giants got depantsed I would put my money on his ass being a cafe mocha with just a touch of Matt Hasslebeck’s ass, milk, in there. Even some really black guys who have an ass color that resembles straight coffee isn’t as black as Hester’s ass. His ass is the damn coffee bean!

Anyway, in all honesty I think I should stop talking about the NFL because someone might feel tempted to mention that my Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Chiefs, the FUCKING CHIEFS!?!, and I can only think of one word that will describe what I will do to them and everyone they know or have ever known: holocaust. That’s right. I will holocaust you.

So… Devin Hester’s ass is wonderful. And I saw that fucking movie with the vampires and the high school kids and the werewolves and the mysterious lack of plot development, story arcs, acting skills, writing, and sense.

This week will be a short week as far as Kristen Stewart related material goes. Today, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will review New Moon in 3 parts. Today’s part will focus on the actual movie going experience and my initial thoughts. Tomorrow will be an in depth look at specific moments and themes in the film, Wednesday will end the immortal debate of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob and I’ll choose which one of these assholes should get Bella. Thursday is Thanksgiving and Friday is hangover day from Thanksgiving. I will try to post some more chapters like I did from last Friday’s post which I’m glad you all seemed to like.

As for my review, I think you noticed already that I referred to them as Edward, Jacob and Bella. Since I literally saw and heard this movie, I will be using their character names. But I’ll probably also break into Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor when I see fit. So try to stay with me.

Where were you November 20th, 2009? John F. Kennedy on 11/22, the Twin Towers on 9/11 and now New Moon!

That’s what I leaned over and said to Dawgz while in the movie theater. Yes, I did in fact see the movie with Dawgz. I originally had plans to see the movie with other people and they canceled maybe because they realized they would actually have to see the movie. So in one last ditch effort, one hail Mary pass, I convinced Dawgz to see the movie with me. He had never seen the first in any capacity and had no interest to, but he was a little interested to see this. He refused for several hours, but what eventually sold him was my invoking: the United States Army Rangers.

Neither of us are military men nor come from a military family. But everyone knows that the motto of the Army Rangers is “never leave a man behind” which we learned from hundreds of action movies. I threw it out there that Dawgz was not being a Ranger and he was shredded by that idea. It was a low blow, but I couldn’t see this movie alone. Calling out Dawgz’s manhood by saying he would leave a fellow Ranger on the battlefield alone was a confrontational moment in our apartment, but it had to be done. Dawgz took up the mantel and proved his manliness, his Army Ranger-ness by going to see a 2 hour movie that teen girls to grown women soil themselves at the mere mention of.

We arrived at the movie theater already a little fucked up and I brought with me 2 airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels. I bought a coke from the refreshment stand and told the guy he only had to fill it half way. He was thoroughly perplexed that I would pay full price for a half filled drink, but I assured him whether I was crazy or not that is what I wanted. Then I poured my happy juice into the coke and mixed it around to provide myself the perfect elixir to watch this movie with. I was right and wrong. I should have brought a whole fucking bottle.

Needless to say, the theater was sold out. By my estimates it was 90% vagina. I did see a few guys there, but not many. It was the 4pm showing so it was a little too early for date night. The two major uterus groups were girls who got out of school and women who left work early. I actually heard a few women talking about how they had to go back to work now and didn’t know if they could function normally now that they saw the movie. There were probably some gay guys there, but not many. I think the gays actually made the venture into NYC to watch the movie. The guys I saw seemed to be tagging along with girls they went to school with or were closeted homos and I didn’t notice. I know a couple people who saw it in the theaters in NYC and their gay guy report was that gay guys are on Team Jacob. They love Taylor. I buy that. Gay guys are in great shape. And so is Taylor. So that would make sense.

Being in the theater reminded me of high school or more so the cafeteria again. Being in a room where so many people are talking at the same time that it sounds like a car crash. It isn’t people yelling. It is fast and emphatic dialogue between hundreds of people and when all blended together like 50 violins playing the same note at once it becomes deafening. There was such a palatable excitement in there and every second the movie drew closer the more I couldn’t fucking believe I was sitting there seeing this damn movie. Seriously, I saw New Moon in theaters on opening day!?! There are so many movies I want to see that are in theaters or have been in theaters this year and I didn’t see them, but I saw this opening day.

The trailers started and I wasn’t ready for this at all. It became abundantly clear two or three trailers in that this was going to be more wild than I could have expected. I’ve seen plenty of movies with crazy fans before. I saw all the three Lord of the Rings movies on midnight showings, I saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight and Matrix Revolutions at 9:30am as a part of the opening worldwide at the same time premiere, I saw the Star Wars trilogy reissue opening night for each and then I saw the second Star Wars trilogy at their midnights as well. I have seen nerd movies with nerds and none of them were nearly as ridiculous as this was. I know you tried to warn me that there would be screaming, but I thought you were being neurotic and hyperbolic like how women do with everything. You were right. I was wrong.

The second or third trailer was for Remember Me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t know what Remember Me was, but Robert Pattinson is in it and when he appeared on screen in the first second after the green preview screen went away the place fucking erupted. I’m talking about Muhammad Ali knocking out George Foreman in the jungles of Africa erupted. I’m talking about America seeing Devin Hester’s black ass in slow motion HD on NBC erupted. It was absolutely ridiculous. The cacophony of screaming and shrilling. It sounded like their excitement was being torn out of their bodies. Like it was forcing itself through their pores and being yanked out of their mouths by a steel cable. It was insane. And this was for a stupid trailer. I couldn’t even comprehend what the movie was going to be like. The movie did eventually start after maybe 2 dozen trailers that have equally ludicrous romance immortal love plots like Twilight has.

When the theater went dark, these Twihards took control like this was martial law. They barked and shushed every sound because their holy grail was about to start playing. So let’s talk about this movie. I’m going to talk “spoilers” over the next few days. Since the movie did go on to make 140 million fucking dollars then you should or have seen it.

New Moon is slow. Real slow. Like everything that happens in it is slow. The opening credits were so slow it was mind numbingly ridiculous. This is a teenage vampire book, not The Ten Commandments! It felt like it took 10 minutes for New Moon to fully appear and disappear on the screen.

Kristen Stewart appears on screen and no noise. This is why the WNBA fails. Women are not out there supporting other women. You can’t allow this to fall on men. As men we already have the NBA and now you want us to watch another NBA, but filled with women. It is too much. No screaming or clapping for Miss Wants It when she showed up. And she did want it. She wants it this whole damn movie. From the awkward scenes of her in high school to her screaming in her bed to her running through Italy to the dozen or so scenes of her being driven home in her own car and then the guy driving the car gets to her house and drops her off only to run home alone in the woods – Kristen Stewart fucking wants it. But we all knew that.

It didn’t take long, but Edward shows up. In what was the first of many scenes completely based around glamor shots of either Rob or Taylor, Edward slow mo walks from his Volvo with the wind blowing his shirt to the side through the parking lot of the high school. Not one of the fellow high schoolers find this at all weird. Those kids need to be tested for proper brain activity because he does not look, act or at all seem like a high schooler. Slow motion catwalk strutting does not happen in high school parking lots and especially not in the woodsy town they are in. Also, my ears are bleeding from the screaming inside the theaters.

Ed and Bella have a nice weirdo awkward conversation with some of their classic head rubbing. It isn’t kissing. It is more like how two puppies show affection, rubbing noses and foreheads. So weird. Why on Earth would a girl want a guy who acted like this is beyond me? Hey honey, what’s up? I’m not going to kiss you hello. I’m going to passionately rub hairline against yours. But this scene stuck with me because it was my first taste of Twilight acting and writing. Phenomenal.

Twilight is so serious. So serious. The closest thing it resembled to me was Spanish Soap Operas, but it was drab and moody and with better special effects. Also this was my first time hearing Ed/Rob/Fake-Rob speak as this new iconic romantic figure. So my first impression of the great Edward Cullen, the great Robert Pattinson, was and continued to be one word the entire movie: Listless.

This motherfucker is the most listless person ever! He has no lists! Absent of lists! It was absurd. He has no energy ever. Someone get these vampires some Red Bulls because for fuck’s sake they’re all on the verge of napping. I’m not entirely sure how being a vampire works with maintaining your insulin levels, but Ed may be hypoglycemic and he may need a bag of graham crackers for a pick me up.

Then Taylor! Taylor Lautner aka Jacob shows up in the parking lot too. I think this might have been the only scene where he had his shirt on, regardless the girls screamed like a bomb went off. It was nuts. This screaming by Team Jacob prompted Team Edward girls to boo which meant the rest of the movie was a tug of war for these girls to out scream and out boo each other through out the rest of the movie when either one of these jackasses appeared on screen.

Jacob is not listless. Jacob is just kind of creepy. Ed is a creep show too, but a lot of that comes from him being pale and having no sugar in his body to speak of. As for Jacob, he is part small child and part Olympic level body builder which is freaky.

So the whole movie for the most part followed these templates:

1. Robert Pattinson is on screen listless doing the worst James Dean/Marlon Brando impression. Whatever he says is so low in the sound mix I can’t hear it and the ear piercing screeches of teenage girls is so loud my vision is blurred.

2. Taylor Lautner is on screen and has no shirt on. This is followed by the sounds of an entire theater of females violently orgasming whether they want to or not.

3. Kristen Stewart wanting it while making obscenely terrible decisions.

That is the majority of the movie.

There was more action in this movie than the last, so I can’t imagine it was worse than the first. So I imagine you all liked this one more. Also it didn’t have an unexplainable baseball scene. There was an unexplainable double date scene though.

The thing I don’t understand though is the idea of you all not wanting to see the movie with the screaming girls. That made the movie for me. The movie itself is not good. It is at best as dramatically amazing as an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (the original or remake). Seeing the movie in the circus that was screaming girls was hysterical. I couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of the movie and even more so the absurdity of these girls screaming when either guy appeared on screen. And I get them screaming. I get that these girls wanted to see this movie to scream because they think Rob or Taylor or both are hot. I get that. Guys don’t do that, but I get that. Guys don’t see Baywatch in theaters and scream at how hot they girls look in slow motion running down the beach. But I get the fun in it.

What I don’t get is seeing the movie to see the movie. I don’t get that you actually want to hear the dialogue and follow the plot of Bella all of a sudden flying commercially to Italy and then being driven around in a yellow Porsche to then run through the streets of some Italian city to get there just in time before Ed steps out into the sunlight to sparkle during the middle of some ritualistic ceremony for a holiday about getting rid of vampires in Italy…. WTF! Come on! Really? This is what you want to really see or hear? The girls screaming and going nuts because Rob has his shirt off make 100% sense. I get it. He is a listless motherfucker, but he has a flat stomach with those angular bones down by his waist line. He is Calvin Klein early 90’s heroin sheik. I get that. But the plot? Come on!

There is no way you two can fight each other without hurting me.


Dawgz laughed so hard when he heard that line that it caused the whole theater to start laughing. The movie was fun in that sense, but that doesn’t justify $140 million. Girls are crazy.

Tomorrow – I’ll talk about specific reoccurring themes in the movie that really irked me and the one scene that I actually enjoyed.

65 Responses to “My Full Review of “Twilight: New Moon”…. in 3 parts – PART I”

  1. Zees84 said

    You have no idea how much joy I have in my heart that you saw this movie on opening day with a bunch of screamer/squealers and Dawgz. Really. Made my WEEK.

  2. PWG said

    You know what $140 million in 3 days means, right? It means a lot more movies with exposed angular male hipbones. Glory hallelujah. What a palatable sheik!

  3. Thank you for talking about football and that man’s naked ass for as long as you did. It allowed me to get my fill of KSWI Jordan’s humorous musings without reading your synopsis of the movie. I’m going tonight after work, so I will be back for fun and games later tonight.

    I love that you saw it on opening day, and that there are people out there who have seen it 3, 4, more, times, and I’ve yet to go once. Your mancard and my fancard should both be revoked.

    I’m kidding of course – I appreciate all that you do for us. So much dedication. And Dawgz too – you need to throw him a bone for going with you. (pun not intended but that worked pretty well, eh?)

  4. Zees84 said

    Far be it for me to question the hotness of Mr. Pattinson, but did you, KSWI Jordan, or any of the lovely commenters here notice that one of his nipples was completely….wrong? Apparently, we were sitting at nipple height, because my friend pointed that out to me, and it was distracting and disturbing.

    • cms said

      I may regret asking this, but what was wrong with Rob’s nipples?

    • tiffanized said

      The left nipple (his left, our right) definitely had a distractingly hairy halo. I was like, “Why is his nipple so big*?”

    • SallyJFox said

      That nipple was distracting. If Christian Bale had been on set, uproar would have ensued. I thought at first that it was scarred, and went momentarily down a path of wondering what happened to him to cause him to almost lose a nipple in such an apparently purposeful way? And why didn’t make-up cover it, more importantly? Then I realized it was all hair…weird, weird, hair. Story over.

      But what’s weirder? Weird nipple hair, or the fact that Tay Tay so obviously waxes? In a way that only gay strippers (redundant, no?) wax? Leaving no nipple hair. Not a one!

      Wonder if we could get what’s left of the MST3K crew to RiffTrax this saga? I’d like to hear Servo’s take on the nipple hair.

    • MLF said

      I am ashamed to admit that I know this- but the wonky nipple was intentional. Earlier we see him wearing that blue button down with the rip in it, later we see him messed up nipple and if you actually look closely (so far I have found about five sites zooming/discussing) you can see it is a bite mark.

      Rob’s mipple(man nipple) in real life is fine. no wonkiness present. the more inexplicable question here is Why they felt the need to place a bite mark over his mipple. I personally am baffled.

      • tiffanized said

        Did he bite his own mipple out of despair? Who else would have done it? At this point he shouldn’t have fought with anyone. I just thought it was weird shading on Rob’s Austin Powers-like chest rug.

      • MLF said


        out of despair…omfg. tiffanized this is the second time in less than an hour you’ve almost made me wet myself.

        If I remember correctly the first time we see him in the blue button down with the rip is when he is getting the phone call from rosalie…so whatever it was that bit him did it before he even went to the volturi. so you could be correct- infact from now on when people ask me about what I think it going on I am going to tell them he bit his own nipple out of despair.

      • tiffanized said

        Do you mean this is the second time in an hour I’ve almost made you soil yourself, MLF?

      • MLF said

        ah-yes. excellent clarification. I wouldn’t want anyone confused over whether I was nearly peeing or becoming aroused.

  5. PWG said

    Let’s hear about the whole “walking up to the ticket counter with Dawgz and purchasing two tickets to New Moon” experience.

    • TDawn said

      PLEASE also share the story of you trying to convince Dawgz to go with you to see NM on opening day.

      I imagine you sweating it out, giving him puppy dog eyes, pleading, pacing, nervously touching your hair, and then you go there. Army Rangers. Did you get all “I love you man” complete with manhugs or a simple “Thanks, Dude” when he finally agreed?

  6. cms said

    NGL, I saw NM because I wanted to see Robert Pattinson’s fucking beautiful face on the big screen. And where he takes off his shirt. I didn’t see Twilight in the theaters, so this was a new experience for me. I enjoyed what little there was of him. And for the record, he’s listless because that’s the mood he had to portray for the story. Let’s blame Stephanie Meyer for that.

    Taylor and his half naked body made me very uncomfortable, but I knew what I was getting into.

    Kristen owned the movie.

    And Devin Hester really does have a black ass.

    • Susanelle said

      Hmmm — I don’t think SMeyer made him listless — I think that was RPattinson’s “acting choice”… which pains me to say because he’s crazy gorgeous… but maybe not so good an actor???

      La, it breaks my heart. He was OK as Cedric Diggory, wasn’t he? Wasn’t he? Or was Cedric a bit listless too?

      Poor Kristen is carrying this franchise on her slim shoulders, I fear. Thank god she wants it.

      • campbelld said

        No, he’s not that great. And it’s OK to admit that. I have a disturbingly large fascination with Emma Watson, but she is only a distant second in acting ability amoung the HP trio.
        Rupert Grint is the shit.

      • PWG said

        I think you missed an asterisk opportunity after “I have a disturbingly large . . .”

        No worries, I put it in there for you mentally. You’re 21 now, how’s that working out? Do Australians get to do anything new at the age of 21 that they couldn’t legally do before?

      • Susanelle said

        Cammie — yes! Rupert is amazing!! Emma chews the scenery and Daniel gums it, alas.

      • cledbo said

        PWG – other than feel old, no.

        18 is the money year down under*

        Also, we have the same ‘legality’ as Georgia.

        No wonder the Mormons gave up on us.

  7. PWG said

    This weekend I saw Godzilla – Tokyo S.O.S. and haven’t yet seen New Moon. Mechagodzilla and Mothra and the fairy twin girls were cool and all, but my preference would’ve been for seeing half-dressed good looking men.

  8. tiffanized said

    First, I need to watch more football. It would be worth ten years of overwhelming boredom to get one live action shot of someone’s accidental ass on network television. But, where’s the outrage? Janet Jackson’s nipple slip was still in the courts five years later, but not a peep on the news this morning about Hester’s “new moon” [I am so sorry]. Perhaps if Hester’s ass had been pierced someone would get fined.

    I heard it estimated that 80% of New Moon‘s audience was female, and my reaction was, “That sounds like a really low estimate.” Also, women do not “soil themselves” over Twilight. We get wet. There is a subtle and sexy distinction.

    • Zees84 said

      ah yes, the original wonky nipplegate. And thanks for schooling KSWI Jordan on the difference between soiling and getting wet.

      “OOOH lover, when you kiss my neck like that, i soil myself.” –see why that doesn’t work, KSWI Jordan?

    • MLF said

      oh lord. Im crying with laughter at this.

  9. Julienne said

    I too am pleased you saw this movie on opening day. Ditto to what cms said about wanting to see the glorious RPattz, being uncomfy with Taycob and blaming all things wrong with the story itself on Stephenie Meyer. I saw the movie twice this weekend, then spent the rest of my time being annoyed at the fact that vamps and humans get to have sex on the Vampire Diaries but they can’t in Forks. WTH?! has broken down the whole ‘Mipple-Gate,’ btw. To tell you the truth my eyes were glued on the hip bones…

    Oh, and the Vikes won yesterday. 35-9 dude!!!!

    • Zees84 said is the site for the DVD that I bet my husband does not actually exist. I could not believe that such a thing was out there, and now, I owe him. What is it that I owe him? If you only knew, but KSWI Jordan probably has a working knowledge of it based on the amount of porn he watches. Is that TMI? Most definitely, but I like to think of KSWI as a place of non-judgment.

      However, I found the site you were talking about, but forgot why I was there because fuck me, Robert Pattinson is insanely gorgeous, even when covered in white pancake makeup and possibly enhanced abs.

      What color do you think Fake Rob’s ass would be, KSWI Jordan?

    • tiffanized said

      Between KSWI Jordan’s enthusiasm for Hester’s black ass and Gozde’s breakdown of Wonky Mipplegate (which will be the name of my yet-to-be-written inappropriate children’s book) I have ruint my eye makeup with laughingtears. I am considering cancelling my therapy appointment as I’m in such a happy mood my therapist is going to think I’m a faker.

      • Julienne said

        Oops, sorry about directing anyone to the wrong site. I forgot about that blasted DVD! And thanks for posting the link, tiffanized. Those peeps are hilarious over there and I’m now trying to fit ‘wonky’ into my every day vocab, LOL.

        Oh, did anyone see the lovely NM Burger King commercials during football yesterday? I’m so tempted to swing by one on my way home from work today…

  10. the movie adaptation of New Moon kept to the book’s storyline for the most part, that’s what fans wanted so I’d say the movie was a success

  11. Lala said

    I wanted to watch the movie because the guys are hot since I didn’t expect much of the movie itself. But the thing of not going on opening day is that I’m really afraid of those Twihards. Just think about the name “TWIHARDS”… Pretty scary. I don’t know how you had the courage to go on November 20. Seriously.

  12. Hilarious AND my 14 year old daughter has NO interest in the books or the films. Mick Jagger though? Look out!

  13. Zees84 said

    “Where were you November 20th, 2009? John F. Kennedy on 11/22, the Twin Towers on 9/11 and now New Moon!”

    November 23,2009 is also a momentous and memorable day, for today is the day that the pictures on KSWI featured more male nudity (1 ass, 3 pics of 2 set of glorious abs)than female (0!).

    Let it never be said that KSWI Jordan is not an equal opportunity safe for work porn pusher.

  14. Mary said

    Why do I have a feeling that “the scene you actually enjoyed” was the overhead shot of Rachelle/Victoria running through the forest with the oh-so-obvious boob jiggles?

    I knew it.

    I don’t agree with you Jordan, but I LOVE your sense of humor and honesty.

    Devin Hester’s black ass is the best thing that happened to the Bears this season!


  15. MLF said

    wow. This post was so awesome and I have so many things to say about it that I have two browser windows both open to KSWI so I can simultaneously re-read and comment.

    okay firstly- Devin Hester’s ass on national television: hilarious

    “I will holocaust you.” <— fucking hilarious.

    "Then I poured my happy juice into the coke and mixed it around to provide myself the perfect elixir to watch this movie with. I was right and wrong. I should have brought a whole fucking bottle" <— I almost peed when I read that from laughing so hard.

    I saw the movie on friday at noon, and I am sooooo greatful I did. Firstly- not a single scream. not one. nada. zip. I can't even tell you how happy I was about this because it was too early in the morning for screaming. (and yes, I consider noon morning. hey- I'm in college, don't judge me)

    the showing sold out but we got there 20 minutes early to an empty theater,there was no waiting in line, there was no booing, when robert pattinson came on the screen during the Remember Me trailer, I was the only person who was even remotely excited, because Emile is a hottie.

    The movie itself was dissapointing, for me anyways. I only read the Twilight books after seeing the first movie, which I loved. This movie, not so much. My friend and I laughed during the break up scene while everyone around us cried discreetly. Infact we laughed the whole movie, usually at times we were not suposed to be laughing. Walking away I would say I enjoyed it but it definitely was not all it was cracked up to be, imho.

    Oh- and I'm glad you mentioned the spanish soap opera similarities- I said the same thing as well, and btw did anyone else think the score was an abomination?

  16. CTB said

    This is, by far, your most hilarious post ever! I just can’t stop laughing! Dying to read parts 2 and 3! Oh and by the way, I am so impressed you actually went to see New Moon on opening day! You get high points for doing so! Unbelievable the things you have to do for us! Thank you! Thank you!

  17. JEB said

    God, this is glorious. I can’t wait for part II.

    A few of my favorite moments, because I can’t hide my sweet Twi-joy any longer under this cold, corporate veneer:

    1) Lautner’s dub job during the standing naked in the train scene. SERIOUSLY? Was could have possibly happened during the original take? Voice crackage? Ukrainian intonation? I mean, wtf?

    2) RPattz as woodland faun. Nike can’t make shoes to fix that.

    3) I saw the wonky mipple; I liked it.

    4) Also, Puppy attacked Emo Edward and I LIKED IT. I DON’T UNDERSTAND; how could this happen? Why? Why was Edward wearing Nars longwearing velvet lipliner in Amazon? WHY? Papua…even Mamie…but Amazon?

    • JEB said

      Oops, I meant rain. But I kind of like train more.

      • tiffanized said

        I spent a good minute and a half trying to remember the part with the train.

        Every time I saw it people laughed during different parts, but EVERYONE laughed when Robward and Fake Kristen came running through the forest like some sparkly Hansel and Gretel.

  18. aneira said

    hahah lmfao i thought it was cheesy as fuck, but intended to be that way at least
    1. taylor lautner is practically orgasmic. (rusty spoons reference, in case you didnt catch the creepiness of that, or just think im creepy which is true but not intended for that particular phrase)
    2. the movei was adorable and for some reason, no matter how awful they are, theyre special to us women. honestly i dont know why because they really are terrible movies but we cant help it, its a guilty pleasure.
    3. you absolutely have to read the book for any of it to make sense. i dont know how you could have seen it without reading the books and actually know whats going on and why.
    4. robert pattison is ugly and gross. i have always thought so, but he looks like a descent human being when he is clean shaven and showered. and his shirt is on. i appreciate that he went to the gym everyday for 5 hours apparently, but seriously? ew. he is the bad kind of hairy. i dont mind hair but ew.
    5. kristen was terrible in twilight but much better in new moon. shes a great actress in other works and i love her ta death.
    6. dakota fanning is a badass. not in real life because she is a varsity cheerleader and has been twelve for the past 5 years. not in new moon either. shes just mfin baddass and i dont know why.
    7. jackson rathbone is sexy. i love him and i will see him when 100 monkeys comes to chicago.

    ya for the music in the movie!! it twas epic.

  19. Oh Jordan… you can’t understand why we’d want to see the movie for the movie because you’re not a girl. When admitting I “like” Twilight, I always preface it with a million qualifiers – the writing’s sub-par, the movie’s not great because it was done on a low budget, etc. But the fact remains that I like it.

    Why? The best I can come up with is that it’s kind of every girl’s teen fantasy come true. I was that really normal, plain girl in high school. I’m kind of still that really normal, plain girl now actually. I’ve always been a good kid, never did anything too crazy. As a result, you sort of go unnoticed by the vast majority of people. But in Twilight, the normal, plain, average girl DOES get noticed, and it just so happens to be by the absurdly gorgeous, wealthy and mysterious “cool” kid who’s just a little dangerous.

    Guy friends have asked me to try to come up with some kind of equivalent for them, but I can’t. I think the closest I ever came to making it relatable was saying “imagine you’re the geeky kid that flies below the radar in high school and all of a sudden the head cheerleader wants nothing more than to fuck your brains out and brag about it to everyone in your Geometry class.” But even then… still not the same.

    And while it may make us all swoon, that doesn’t mean that we’re all looking for an Edward or a Jacob. There are qualities to both that I think girls appreciate – I like the chivalrous side of Edward, the “good guy” side of Jacob. But if you really try to dissect their characters, it’s a feminists nightmare – all of this “leave me and I’ll kill myself” and other manipulative shit? Yikes. I do not actually want an Edward, but it’s a fun fantasy world to get lost in every now and then.

    Sooo I just saw the movie tonight. I had the “privilege” of sharing a theater with a handful of screaming tweens. If murdering wasn’t illegal, I would have murdered the shit out of them. I certainly wasn’t graced with any spontaneous violent orgasms, but they very well may have been. The way they lost their shit when Taylor first appeared on scream makes me think it was their first orgasm ever. It was like they couldn’t control themselves and didn’t understand what was happening to them. What I REALLY didn’t get, was that they literally lost their minds when Taylor-wolf fought Paul-wolf. I’m not entirely sure they understand that those actors don’t actually turn into wolves. THEY’RE FUCKING CARTOONS.

    My ladyboner for all things Twi is fading, and fading fast… but the stupid thing will always have a place in my heart for making me feel all tingly and school-girly while I wasted my weekends by the pool last summer.

    • heh “on scream” should be “on screen,” though it isn’t all that far off base as I typed it…

      P.S. I neglected to mention that this post was hilarious. That is all. I’m looking forward to parts 2 and 3.

      • Susanelle said

        Aw, this post done broke my heart — well, except for the murder-spree part, high-five on that — but the first part… ::burbles::

      • Hermes said

        didnt you think Rob and Taylor had more chemistry together than with Kstew?

        I mean, Rob must have noticed Lautners abs they were right in his face in the last scene.

        Girlies overies melted all across the world when Tay tay ripped off his shirt.

      • @Susanelle – haha, sorry. Didn’t mean to be a Debbie Downer with the whole “ordinary girl” rant. I just feel like that’s why a lot of people relate to Bella. Also, it’s about time you all realize I’m not a glamorous rock star, but just some boring ol’ girl from Jersey. (yeah, I know no one thinks I’m a rock star)

        @Hermes – Rob was decent, so was Taylor. Taylor made me feel uncomfortable with all his near-nekkidness, though. Plus his voice irks me because it’s high and nasally. KStew was the one that won me over this time around. Shocking.

    • MLF said

      well said. I completely agree 100% with you, it’s like you read my mind and put my nonsensical thoughts down in an eloquent way. I adding mind reading to your list of talents (which currently includes knowlege and archiving of all KSWI posts and masterfull use of the *)

    • kt said

      this is me starting a slow clap for this post.

      except my ladyboner isnt fading.

      • Susanelle said

        HyB — oh, you weren’t a downer! Your comment was touching and poignant, and made me want to brush the bangs out of your eyes and say, “You’re not ordinary, sweetie.”

  20. I’m so happy that you actually watched this movie with sound.

  21. scrubbie said

    Fuck I saw the movie with a group of tweens (with catholic school uniform)..I HAD A FREAKING BLAST!! My friend and I literally ended screaming like the tweens, well sometimes I forgot where I was and start yelling: Edward is a cockblockk!!! Hey girl just shove your tongue into his mouth..and things Not PG…Fuck At the end I was like :TEAM JAILBAIT
    , see you in jail bitchessss

  22. TDawn said

    I love that you saw it opening day with the full Twicrazy experience. You know you did it for us and of course we love you even more because of it.

  23. cledbo said

    Popped collars are for wankers, Rob; Taycob’s head looks like it’s been photoshopped from another picture onto his body. Or he’s been taking Nicole Richie hormones or something.

    I’d like to be able to say I enjoyed this movie ironically, in a hipster “I’m cool because it’s not” way, but I just enjoyed it. And I will do it again*. When I say I can’t wait til June, it’s not for the Queen’s Birthday long weekend.

  24. Hermes said

    Ok, re: New Moon.
    It was very slo mo.. so slow.
    And I thought Rob/Edward, looked constipated when he was delivering his lines.. I know he was suppose to be in pain.. but seriously!!!

    Don’t hate me, but I thought that Taylor Lautner (Jacob) and Robert Pattinson (Edward) had more chemistry together than the female lead (Stewie).

    Seriously Robbie is enough of a man to appreciate Taylor Lautners fine form. And it is fine, and its real.

    Unlike Rob who had his abs painted on for him (women you know this is true, Rob Pattinson admited it earlier on)

    Devin Hester’s ass is SO DAMN FINE!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR POSTING THAT!!. HOT DAMN your giving me a reason to watch football again!!!
    I just want to bite that perfect round ass!!!
    (calming myself down..sigh).

    He was secretly auditioning for Breaking Dawn I bet!

    heh heh.

  25. kt said

    this post is just full of win. cant wait for part two and three.

    i went to the midnight showing with three of my friends. two of us were drunk and were accompanied by our flasks and we had way more fun than the other two. we held hands and squealed at the remember me trailer (even though we had watched it earlier that day) and every time edward was on screen or jacob was half naked. she is team jacob and im team edward, but we stick together and squee for each others excitement. the second time i saw it i was sober and still enjoyed it.

    my very favorite part was when edward was leaving bella and she says “well im coming.” i turned my head to the side towards my bff and immediately stage whispered “thats what she said.” we were laughing so hard we nearly missed the follow up of “i dont want you to come” from edward. i think i missed the next five minutes of the movie because we were laughing so hard. also “very ugly” is the new “scary story”. its already our new motto and has been repeated at least a dozen times in our house.

    i know this twilight shit is horrible, but that doesnt change how much i love it. in fact im pretty sure it makes it better. i enjoy a good laugh. also that is the blackest ass i have ever seen in my life.

  26. NoirMayhem said

    I live in NYC (within stalking distance, Mr. KSWI Jordan), so I expected quite the turnout of crazy, screaming vagina at the midnight showing I went to with my sister + friend. There was the shushing as the lights went down, but the screaming upon the appearance of both Edward and Jacob was mild, at best. Some woops here, some wails there, but mostly, animated clapping.

    As far as the movie itself went, I was totally disappoint. There was a sort of charm that Twilight had — it was bad, sure, but it wedged itself into my little heart with all those hilarious moments that maybe weren’t supposed to be quite so funny, but that didn’t stop them. The New Moon trailers, however, lied to me; they sold me dreams and ripped me off and I want my two hours back, please.

    The acting was…boy, it just was, wasn’t it? Kristen, Rob, Taylor…not one of them seemed to have settled into their roles. It wasn’t Bella, Edward, and Jacob I was seeing; it was Fake-Bella, and Fake-Rob, and Fake-Jacob…it was boring! Bravo to Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen for rocking what was the highlight of this two hour snooze-fest.


    Also, if this is what I’ll get from Eclipse, I may just shed tears of heartbreak, for cast & crew will have torn asunder what is and will always remain my favorite installment in this dizzy little series.

  27. Oh my god loved reading this article. I submitted your rss to my reader.

  28. Brenuesarbobe said

    Watch The Twilight Saga New Moon Online for Free. Download The Twilight Saga: New Moon. The Twilight Saga New Moon Megavideo Rapidshare. 😀

  29. Mandy L said

    Yey Happy New year!! ~Nice twilight new moon review!~ I love twilight too come visit me as well ^.^ ~
    ❤ omg hes so hot!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxo
    mandy l.

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