New Moon Review Part II – Electric Bugaloo

November 24, 2009

Hmmmm… I was wondering why I didn’t see any responses. I forgot to click “publish” an hour ago. Interesting.

I’m a little disappointed. There was no ass, let alone black ass, on television last night. Or there could have been, but I didn’t see it. I watched Monday Night Football and can you believe there was not one play where a guy got his pants ripped off? I would like to point out that the term “depantsing” was the term of choice that I saw people using and even I got caught up in that whirlwind of verbage. But “depantsing” is somewhat a redundant phrase. The act of “pantsing” someone is not putting pants on them. “Pantsing” someone is pulling their pants down. So to “pants” or to “depants” are the same actions. What is the term to put someone’s pants on for them? “Helpful”?

There was a great football game last night between the Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans. One great aspect to sports is the “nickname”. Thinking up a nickname that truly fits a certain person is an art form. Everyone in your everyday life does not deserve a great nickname, but all professional football players deserve a nickname because they are all crazy. Also, if you use a nickname for a player it sounds like you know more about them than maybe you do. The one nickname I have been focusing on a lot recently is “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning.

Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach and current Monday Night Football color commentator, Jon Gruden, has been pushing the nickname “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning. I love it. He mentions it a lot regardless of whether Peyton is playing in the game that he is commentating on. The one problem is that Jon’s explanation of “The Sheriff” is a bad one. He believes Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because “he always gets his man”. No homo, right? I don’t care for that explanation because well it sounds stupid. My interpretation:

Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because he is the law.

I like that much better. Peyton Manning is the law out on the field when he is playing. He is calling the plays, the audibles, pointing out coverages, confusing the defense, telling people to shift et cetera. Peyton Manning is that offense when he plays. The Colts’ greatness lives and dies by Peyton’s arm. Much like Judge Dredd, Peyton Manning is the law.

Just some food for thought. And if you know Jon Gruden please tell him. If you know Peyton Manning, I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM! I have a television show idea for Peyton that he would be absolutely perfect for. But I digress…

New Moon? To say that I didn’t understand much of the logic behind New Moon would be a big understatement. A “big understatement” like “I think that Kristen Stewart chick wants it” or “I think a couple girls in the theater wanted New Moon to turn into graphic porn when Bella hugged the shirtless Jacob” or “I think KSWI Jordan likes that song ‘Dead Man’s Party’ by Oingo Boingo.” Like it!?! I fucking love it. I listen to it all the time. It is Danny Elfman in an 80’s new wave band and it’s in a pivotal scene of Back to School. So yes, I love that song. And Kristen Stewart wants IT so bad my brain’s ability to perceive colors is damaged when I look at her. All I see is a halo of light that screams want which was distracting while watching the movie. What did that blur of all colors say? I’m partially deaf because that “thing” just wants it so bad all I can hear is my brain vibrating.

The following are a list of themes, subplots or individual scenes that I found particularly troubling while watching Twilight: New Moon.

Domestic Violence

I was expecting New Moon to be light-hearted and funny. And nothing is more light-hearted and funny than a reoccurring subplot about domestic violence. Oh don’t we all get a big chuckle out of domestic violence. You know what is even funnier than good ole’ domestic violence is when the chick is cool with it. HAHAHAH… funny stuff, right? Wasn’t that flat out hysterical when we found out that the head werewolf, Sam, attacked his lady and she completely forgave him. That is a great message to teach the teen girls in the audience. A new generation of young women thinking it is not only A-OK to date a werewolf if the option presented itself, but when he attacks you it is your job to just get over it. Oh wait, there are no werewolves, so the closest thing would just be some steroided jock in high school who will attack you instead.

I was also amazed that the question of whether or not Jacob would attack Bella was not a question at all. Jacob will attack Bella at some point. It isn’t “if”, it is purely “when”. So, yeah. If Bella is cool with getting her face clawed half off like Sam’s chick then all will be fine and we can begin planning the wedding. But if Bella wants to be an uppity-bitch about a 600 pound werewolf using her as a punching bag then maybe they shouldn’t rub foreheads together anymore.

Sidenote: The one werewolf who does almost attack Bella before Jacob literally jumps in, that guy’s apology was not sufficient. That’s an understatement. Hey dude, what the mother eff!?! Did you just turn into a werewolf and try to attack a girl? First off, hitting chicks is not cool. Second off, hitting chicks when you transform into an 8 foot tall mythical beast with unimaginable power is really not cool. But what should I expect? Their leader is beating his wife and they are all expecting to attack whatever lucky lady they decide to rope into this morbid fantasy world. Seriously Twilight? Chicks getting beat up?

Bella Always Has To Be Protected

Half of this movie was people and/or Bella herself talking about how she needs to be protected. From what? By who? If Bella really needs to be protected from vampires then she shouldn’t get a vampire to protect her. She should stop hanging out with vampires altogether. I am good friends with some ladies in this world. Our friendship is not built around my ability to protect them from vampires. If it is then I was not aware of that. Back to the issue, the reason why our friendship is not based around me protecting them from vampires is because they do not hang out with vampires who have vampire enemies that feel the need to kill the first vampires’ human friends. You might be saying “but vampires don’t exist” or do they?

Either way, Anna Kendrick’s character who might as well not be in the movie as well as 90% of the people in the movie because no one bothers to write a decent side character in this movie… She is not being attacked by vampires. Reason being she is not hanging out with vampires. So when Edward leaves to protect Bella that makes perfect fucking sense. Bella finding Edward to be protected by him again makes no fucking sense. Plus he sucks at fighting. He got pwned by that Felix guy. Edward better hope that whatever vampire does attack Bella sucks at fighting because currently Edward sucks at fighting. And Dakota Fanning beat him up too. I’m not saying he should’ve beat her up because I’m anti-guys hitting girls (unlike some werewolves I know), but he shouldn’t get beat up by a 15 year old.

And as far as Jacob goes, I’m not sure who he is protecting her from because he needs to worry more about how he is going to one day tear her face off with his damn claws.

Any danger Bella is in is 100% caused by herself getting involved with either one of these idiots. And she is an idiot for getting involved with them. I guarantee none of the other kids in their high school have any of the problems that Bella has because they are not fraternizing with MONSTERS! Monsters that are both widely known to attack HUMAN BEINGS!

There is also mention of Bella protecting Edward at points. Who mentions this? Bella does of course. This chick is out of her fucking mind! Who are you protecting him from? Not a vampire. Not a werewolf. Not any girl over 5’5” most likely.

Charlie aka Bella’s Father

I have a lot of problems with how the character of Charlie is treated in this movie. I don’t know Charlie all that well and that is why first and foremost I am going to refer to him as MR. SWAN! Who the fuck are these kids that they are calling him Charlie all the time? Is it my imagination or do you not call your friends’ parents by their first names? I don’t walk around my friend’s house calling his parents Bill and Erica. I give them some age respect and call them by their last name. These punks keep calling him “Charlie” all the time. When did you and “Charlie” start going on fishing trips together? He is Mr. Swan. He is also the chief of police or sheriff or whatever. Sir or Mr. Swan or Officer. Whatever. But not “Charlie”.

Oh yeah, I’m going to call him “Charlie” because I want to be like the cool kids.

Also, when did Charlie become the albatross around Bella’s neck? Everyone is guilting Bella into doing one thing or another and using Charlie as the excuse. Bella you need to stay to watch over Charlie. Charlie? You mean her father!?! Charlie is a grown man with a grown man’s job. In the details of his job he carries a gun. A GUN! He can take care of himself. If anything his life would be so much easier if his crazy daughter wasn’t around screaming all night. The man is sleeping on the couch because his 18 year old daughter has night terrors from her boyfriend inexplicably leaving! Does he know anything about her boyfriend who sparkles in sunlight, is listless, skin complexion of alabaster and looks 35? Does he know anything about why his 18 year old daughter is fixing motorcycles with the Native American kid who now is enormous with muscles or why his daughter goes backpacking through the forest by herself?

If Charlie was kept in the loop of any of Bella’s decision making maybe Charlie could help. I’m not saying Charlie has any experience dating vampires or a werewolf, but he may have some common sense reasoning that could help. I’m not sure the best person to ask advice about dating a vampire would be another vampire considering they’re perspective is a little skewed. Plus they’re a vampire that already wants to be besties with you and wants you and Ed to be together forever. And she is a chick and chicks are crazy.

At the very least, maybe Bella simply saying the stupid stuff she is planning on doing out loud to another human being who actually has concerns for her mortal safety will by nature illicit a physical facial tick or saying “Seriously!?! You’re going to Italy!?!” or “You can not fucking just live in the woods Bella!” or “This is not a cliff diving family!”, you know… just something. They paint Charlie as the “stupid dad” like in TV commercials. Oh it’s Dad’s night to watch the kids. The kids will probably electrocute themselves or die in a house fire because stupid Dad is watching them. Maybe Dad wouldn’t be so stupid if his kid said “Hey Dad, I was dating a monster that eats people and he left me and I’m now thinking about getting on the back of this rapists motorcycle for adrenaline kicks. What do you think about that?” Charlie can help, trust me.

October/November/December

This will sound nit-picky, but that one shot of Bella sitting in her room with the names of the months appearing was stupid. Completely unnecessary and it did not fit with the rest of the film. There are no words that appear in any other variety in the movie. They do not introduce characters with any words on the screen or introduce any other months or settings. They don’t write “ITALY” when she is in ITALY all of a sudden. The months’ names were distracting. Your audience is not so retarded that they wouldn’t understand that seeing three separate scenes occurring out a window is obviously supposed to signify time passing. Or settle it the other way and actually establish a time line.

The first scene is apparently August because it is the start of school or at the very latest September. Write September or August there. Follow this up with your worthless October/November/December scene and continue showing month by month. Or is the suggestion that everything after that “December” rotation is all happening in the month of December. If that is the case then that is just even more ridiculous.

Romeo & Juliet Metaphor

This movie is not Romeo & Juliet. Very subtle Chris Weitz with the book and the movie, but it is not Romeo & Juliet. The reason why Romeo and Juliet cannot be together isn’t because they simply come from “different worlds” or however people feel the need to boil it down. Romeo and Juliet actually come from strikingly similar worlds, but there is a war between their families that is stopping them. The Cullens and the Swans are not stopping this marriage between Ed and Bella. The “Swans” aka “Charlie” is more in the dark than Stevie Wonder. No one tells that guy shit. The reason why Bella can’t/shouldn’t be with Ed is because he is a FUCKING VAMPIRE! And as it turns out he has beef with other vampires and those vampires want to kill her. Also, if she does really want to be with him she needs to BECOME A VAMPIRE!

That is not Romeo & Juliet. There are plenty of other stories where there is a bad match, but they love each other anyway for whatever reason, so stop trying to bastardize Shakespeare.

High School

I never tried too hard in school, but at some point I did have to sit down and write a paper or 100. Am I the only not buying Ed and Jacob studying for an Algebra 2 test? Or give oral reports in Spanish class? Is no one doing homework ever? When does Jacob have time to study when he is running around killing vampires in the woods? Was there not a single phone call placed by the school wondering where the hell Bella was when she was in Italy and not school or was sleeping in a hole in the forest and not in gym class? Nothing? This book is an indictment of our public school system in the Pacific Northwest.

108 Year Old Guy With A 17 Year Old Girlfriend

I will talk about this subject more tomorrow, but am I the only one who finds this disturbing? I know chicks want a guy who loves them and everything, but the dude is 108 and your 17. If you are imagining yourself as Bella and then Ed comes along and proposes immortal love to you, aren’t you a little freaked the motherfuck out? You’re 17 years old!

I am 26 years old. If I told you that I fell in love and it will be for the rest of my life with a 17 year old high school junior then you would call the authorities. You would call the police immediately. You would give them all the information about my wrist tattoos, height, New Jersey et cetera. You would think I’m a creep and you would get the police involved.

Now imagine, I’m 36. Oh God! It is worse! And what if I’m 46? 56? 66? 76? THE DUDE IS FUCKING 108 YEARS OLD!!!!!! I don’t care how young he looks. Do you think it is cool if Benjamin Button at 70 years old, but looks 15 has sex with another 15 year old? Or what about Webster? He always looks 12. He shouldn’t be allowed to get down with a 12 year old.

Are we now saying that a 17 year old girl is fully mature enough to make decisions about being with a 108 year old man? A man who also is a vampire. I’m not comfortable with that decision. Also, I hope these numbers are correct. She said she was 18 in the movie and he said he was 109 I thought. Last year the original came out, so she would be 17 and he would be 108.

Also, is Jacob her age? Or is he a century old too?

Lastly…

The one scene I did enjoy was the slow motion wolf chase of Rachelle Lefevre. It was not for the reason that was mentioned in the comments section. Sure Rachelle is very cute and watching her “bounce” up and down as she slow motion ran through the forest was cool and all. The reason why it was the scene I truly enjoined was that plus Thom Yorke’s song “Hearing Damage” was in the background. Excellent song. I’m not sure how or why they got Thom Yorke to make a song for this movie, but it was great to hear. I kind of wanted that scene to go on forever.

I think Rachelle is good looking, but who is really going to notice that she is getting replaced. I barely remember her from the first movie and she is in this movie for maybe 2 minutes. 120 seconds of running in the woods is not worth keeping around for sentimental reasons. Maybe in the third movie they’ll actually have her character talk or do something especially since she is the bad guy, right?

All these pictures have been of her obviously and she wants it. Not too much though. She kind of wants it like “I can’t believe I’m in Twilight! It is amazing! I’m going to be Victoria! That is so cool! What?… What was that? It sounded like you said I’m actually only going to be in the movie for less time it took for KSWI Jordan to write this fake dialogue. Hunh? I still get paid right?” So not so much. I like the red hair though. Did she win a sweepstakes to get the role and some found out? I’m confused.

Nevertheless, the soundtrack was pretty good. It is indie, girlie, moody, but good.

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83 Responses to “New Moon Review Part II – Electric Bugaloo”

  1. tiffanized said

    So many things I want to say. They are all summed up by, “It would make sense if you read the book.” That’s not a good excuse for the movie not being self-explanatory, but it’s the only one I’ve got. Also, I’m lazy, and I’m 100% positive someone is going to leave you a big honking comment explaining all the stuff like the months, or Victoria’s importance, or the Romeo & Juliet significance.

  2. Zees84 said

    It was a pleasure to have made your acquaintance, KSWI Jordan. I’ve had a lot of fun, and I will miss you terribly.

    ::puts on her raincoat and galoshes for the shit storm that is about to arrive::

    p.s. I liked today’s post.

  3. Crystal said

    *slams head down on desk*

    Oh Jordan…..there is so much you are just unaware of when it comes to this series.

    I dont feel like explaining it either.

    Good post. *pats you on the back*

    • tiffanized said

      I love the way we are all just washing our hands of the job of explaining this shit to KSWI Jordan.

    • Crystal said

      I’m replying to myself…awesome…well SOMEONE has to explain it! Tiffanized, Zees, and I have already elected not to do it….shit.

      • tiffanized said

        Frightening that we commented simultaneously with the same sentiment and with nearly the same words. We have some sort of weird brain synchronization going on around here, we do.

      • Told you that synchronized shit was for real.

        Honestly, I only read New Moon once and don’t remember the intricacies, so I won’t be explaining it either. I tried to explain why I liked Twilight in yesterday’s post, but I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t give a shit about that anyway.

      • Crystal said

        I kind of feel like it’s more entertaining for him to make his completely uninformed opinions and for us to just shake our heads and say, “Oh KSWI Jordan.” and walk away.

        I love how I talk about him like he’s not reading this RIGHT NOW!

        I enjoy the way our brains tend to melt into one giant she-brain of intelligence. It gets repetitive but it’s still great.

  4. The term for putting someone’s pants on for them is “boring.” Or “infant.” There’s no fun in dressing people.

    Unfortunately, the best I can do is to echo Tiff’s “it would make sense if you read the book” comment and add “or watched the first movie with sound.” The movie wasn’t made for a 26 yr old dude to just stroll into and understand right off the bat. So I’m not at all surprised that you’re this enraged by it.

    The domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc, is kind of dead on – it’s one of the biggest complaints a lot of people have with the series, and rightfully so. What you neglected to pick up on is that the reason Bella has to stay and “watch over Charlie” is that he’s totally incapable of doing anything domestic. She cooks and cleans for him. Hello stereotypes!

    I’m just going to say it: I’m concerned about your fascination with seeing bare man ass, Jordan. When going to see New Moon with your male roommate isn’t the gayest thing you’ve got going on for you in a weekend, it gives your female readers pause.

    I did enjoy the post. I fear for your safety, though. Good luck.

  5. Zees84 said

    Oh Jordan, you’re going to be so proud of me, because I know that the Tennessee Titans used to be the Houston Oilers!

    Also, nicknames are fun. My high school/Israel for the year/college nickname is pretty boring, as it is the first letter of my first name and the first four letters of my maiden name. What is interesting is that I still get called it, despite being married for nearly five years and/or out of college for three. Its not so much that my girlfriends from school call me by that nickname, but their husbands, who I met after I was married, or their young children who can’t string more than eight words together in a sentence think its normal to call me that.

    I can’t complain though, as I am better off than my very innocent, naive, religious friend who, through a scientific method of forming nicknames using first letters of first and last names, ended up as “Assman.”

    P.S. Jordan (no KSWI here, because I feel for you as a person, not just as a blogger), can you see how hard I am trying here? I’m attempting to deflect, but I’m grabbing at straws.

  6. brewdawgz said

    do they explain why domestic violence is ok in the books?

    • The bitch was asking for it, duh.

      • tiffanized said

        You could say she wanted it.

      • PWG said

        He felt really bad about it afterward. He promised never to do it again. That makes it okay, right?

        Seriously, aside from how Jordan framed it, “domestic violence” isn’t okay in the books. No one other than a potential rapist was okay with deliberately hurting women. The werewolf injury was accidental, the bad vampires were willing to kill men or women equally, and Edward only almost kills Bella over and over because she smells really good. Bwah ha ha ha, I’m serious. Tasty-smelling bitches better watch their backs.

      • The girl’s face got slashed because she was standing too close when the guy “phased” – a.k.a. exploded into a werewolf 10x his actual size. Tell me you don’t know a million people that’s happened to before?

        Not to split hairs or anything… but there’s no physical abuse in the book. Emotional abuse abounds, but no actual intentional physical abuse.

    • tiffanized said

      Stephenie Meyer doesn’t explain it in the books. Nor does she explain why Bella morphs into Charlie’s weird daughter-wife when she moves in, or why Bella thinks it’s alright for Edward to stalk her, or why Edward can dismiss all of Bella’s desires and undermine her wishes without repercussion. These are just things that be, which speaks volumes about the world inhabited by Stephenie Meyer.

    • TDawn said

      Did you at least find the movie entertaining? Or do you wish you could have those 2hrs of your life back to giggle at Devin Hester’s ass?

    • Zees84 said

      DAWGZ!! Can YOU tell me how two roommate dudes handle the inevitable call of nature? Not the soiling one?

      I wasn’t satisfied with Jordan*’s answer.

  7. limeslice said

    The gist: I hope you didn’t feel like you had to see New Moon for your blog.

    Because to be perfectly honest, I come here (used to more often) for the funny on Kstew etc, not to hear what you think about Twilight. To echo the other comments, the movie was a very close *summary* of the book, and made little attempt to explain things to non-readers. Yea, tons of stuff in the entire series is batshit crazy. But it’s a guilty pleasure, and the movie was unabashedly made for fans who read the book a million times. I’m not hatin, just saying that your thoughts on “plot themes” in Twilight without having read the books (NOT suggesting you do) are more frustrating and tiring to read than I think you intend them to be. Perhaps I’m wrong.

  8. TDawn said

    Yeah…you’d have to read the books to understand everything you mentioned. But, the books are not meant for guys. They are basically a version of a romantic fairytale which happen to include Vampires and Werewolves. They were written for teenage girls. The movie is based on a book for teenage girls, therefore YOU shouldn’t get it. The movie was made for fans of the books. Could it have been better? Sure. Was it good enough? I think so.

    The soundtrack is too emo for me. I really only like “Friends” and “Monster”.

    Are you by any chance a Virgo? Your analytical nature leads me to this conclusion.

    • tiffanized said

      I always explain the appeal of Twilight by saying it’s emotional porn for teenage girls. And apparently their romance-deprived mothers trapped in loveless marriages.

      • Julienne said

        I couldn’t have said it better myself, Tiffanized!

        I also have no words for you on today’s post, KSWIJordan. I’m lazy, stressed, and I have no patience for questions that wouldn’t have been asked had you read the books.

        Luckily you still brought the funny, otherwise I would have called you a twat waffle (thank you ‘Creative Cursing’ book and the Twi-Tarded gals) and never visited the site again. 😀

  9. PWG said

    There’s an interesting book out now, by a guy named Malcolm Gladwell. It’s called Blink and discusses how you make decisions based on biases that you aren’t necessarily aware of having. Repeated exposure to an idea can make it your mental default, the place you start making decisions from even though you might consciously disagree with that idea.

    So I get how seeing a movie where the main character is a huge pussy and totally dependent on men (except for her father, she treats him like a toddler) isn’t something you want a teenage girl imprinting on, so to speak. I get it, I do, even though I don’t have daughters. I don’t want my boys watching Michael Bay movies where people blow each other up and shoot each other every 15 seconds. I don’t want them learning about loving relationships from Twilight, either. But you know what? They’re fucking six and four, that’s why. At that age it’s not the easiest thing in the world to distinguish between fantasy and reality, so you can explain to your heart’s content that Optimus isn’t dead, there is no Optimus, blah blah blah . . . but they don’t believe you in their little hearts, not really. So you screen for them at that age.

    THIS movie is aimed at teenage girls, young women and soccer moms. If I had a teenage girl, and she loooooved this series, I’d look at that as a great opportunity to talk about people who treat women like children or scratching posts, and the pansy-ass women who are attracted to that shit. If she’s not old enough to really get that concept, she’s not old enough to see it.

    For the rest of us over the age of 14, Jesus fucking Christ. I’m sick of entertainment being bashed because it promotes uncivilized or impolite ideas. You know what movies makes me laugh? Bad Santa. Blazing Saddles. Team America. Caddyshack. I like mature, thoughtful stuff too, I swear. I just don’t think everything has to live up to that standard. I don’t need everything I see or read to be appropriate for sixth graders. Climbing down off soapbox now.

  10. cms said

    It’s fascinating to read someone’s take on the movie when they haven’t read the book. Your interpretation is funny as hell, even if it is fucked up in the context of the actual story. But, seeing as your KSWI Jordan, you’re forgiven.

    But this really is just another example of fantastical story telling. It’s not supposed to make sense. Think back to your Ode to Alien week.

  11. Zees84 said

    In tomorrow’s post:

    Team Edward vs. Team Jacob: Which of these two assholes should end up with Bella?

    AND

    Was Tuesday’s post worse received than the post on Megan Fox?

    P.S. KSWI Jordan, I’m such a fan of yours, you have no idea.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “Team Edward vs. Team Jacob: Which of these two assholes should end up with Bella?”

      Pretty much. Why wouldn’t it be? That’s where the humor comes from.

      • Crystal said

        Pay attention man. Zees is doing some serious ass kissing to soften the blows of some comments you are receiving. Geez, do we have to spoon feed you?

        That sounds hateful, it isn’t meant that way. I learned how to love from Twilight so I’m all fucked up.

      • Zees84 said

        KSWI Jordan,

        Crystal gets it!

        That is all.

      • Zees84 said

        Also, you said yesterday that tomorrow would include that topic, I was just suggesting an addition.

        (Why is it that whenever I say “that is all” I think of more things to write? I also can’t just send one email to a friend. Two at a minimum, because I remember something else I NEED to say.)

      • TDawn said

        How do you make Lady GaGa cry?

      • Crystal said

        Poke her in the face?

        Get her Poke-her Face = Poker Face.

        I hope that’s the right answer otherwise I feel silly…I feel silly either way.

      • Well that makes more sense than my answer of “punch her in her hermaphroditic uterus-peen” so… no need to feel silly.

        P.S. I’m really effed in the head.

      • Zees84 said

        Poker Face!

        How do you make me cry? Ask me if I’m pregnant…because yeh, that just happened to me. Apparently, according to a senior female staff member, its “not because of your body, you just have a certain glow”.

        Motherfucker! Seriously, KSWI Jordan, I need you to write some creative motherfucking curses for me to hurl at this vile vile woman, for I am too angry to think that coherently.

        Yeh, no bikini pics ever ever ever from me.

        P.S. I think its nice that I can share that with you folks, because I can’t fucking tell it to anyone else. Hold me.

      • TDawn said

        HA-HA, OK I’m laughing now

      • Crystal said

        Poor Zees!! *holds you close and sings to you*

      • Zees84 said

        Thanks Crystal. I know you got my back.

        Still looking for those cursewords, KSWI Jordan.

      • TDawn said

        @Zees Just wanted to clarify my HA-HA is at the “Poker Face” replies, not your sucktastic co-worker being stupid.

      • Zees84 said

        I know TDawn, even in my rage, I cracked the fuck up at HB’s response. No worries.

  12. dmtl said

    Well, there´s nothing I can say that other lovely commenters haven´t already.

    Truly, if you had read the book the movie would have had a lot more appeal to you. I went to see it with a female friend whose only contact with the saga had been the first movie and she raised pretty much the same questions as you, KSWIJordan. It´s like the Harry Potter movies : the first one offers some background, some information so people who haven´t read the book will be able to keep up with the movie; but from the second one on you´re expected to just know what the hell it´s all about.

    I totally and humbly suggest you read the four books. You´ll dislike them, but then you´ll have something more solid than the movies to understand the whole twilight thing(not to mention it´ll make the ladies throw their panties at you and hey, reading is never really a bad thing).

    I´m curious about other men´s thoughts on this. How did your roomate feel about it, apart from his domestic violence in the books doubts?

    I´m loving the Rachelle pics. I hate Bryce Dallas Howard already.

    Interesting post in general!

    PS: Thanks for the warm welcoming, habitual commenters aka “you creepy stalker fuckers who all need lives” , as it seems you prefer to be called. I am actually aware of the online clubs like sister-wifes one, OP:F&B e all the others. I´ve been lurking here for a mighty long time ( I think even before OP:F&B was even founded, so I guess I sorta fit into the creepy stalker category too 😛 ).

    • Oh good, so you’ve been lurking long enough to not just get all the inside jokes, but to have watched the downward spiral firsthand. Welcome back.

      I wouldn’t recommend that KSWI Jordan read the books, though… It might help him “get it” more, but I honestly don’t think he wants to understand the whole Twilight thing. I can’t say that I really blame him. He went and saw this movie and reviewed it here because he was expected to. If he hadn’t, instead of the handful of comments saying “no one expects you to review it because you just don’t get it,” he’d have a barrage of comments saying “wtf dude, you run a blog about Kristen Stewart and you haven’t seen or reviewed New Moon yet?!” Catch 22, double-edged sword, etc etc.

      He already has ladies planning elaborate spy missions around finding and banging him, I’m not sure he needs much more help.

      • MLF said

        LOL ohhh the hilarious things I would have had to say about this if I read this like…six hours ago. As it stands I just typed a 36 page report and can barely lift my fingers to type this comment…but omg. downward spiral..*crying with laughter*

  13. Susanelle said

    To put someone’s pants on them is to enpant them (en + pant)… or for 2daze kidz, “up-pant.”

    Har

  14. PWG said

    For what it’s worth, here’s my husband’s take on the books. He hasn’t seen the second movie, but he read the first three books and he’s on the fourth, God love him. “So an average girl moves to a new town and every guy she sees fall in love with her even though she has no special qualities or talents. Then the richest, most handsome guy of all, the one who hasn’t found ONE woman he wanted to have sex with in 95 years, decides she’s flawless and he has to have her. Plus it’s all courtly, romantic, hearts-and-flowers love.” He understands the appeal in that, even though he personally thinks Bella’s boring.

    As a parent, he’s more pissed off on behalf of Charlie than anything. You’re right, no one ever listens to him or tells him anything.

  15. dmtl said

    yowza, it got a little heated here between my reading the comments prior to the post and then posting my owm comment.

    Poor KSWIJordan, victimized for his opinions on this sparkling vamps/whiny girl/giant wolves chick-flick.

    I do think it´s worse than the MeganBitchFox post.

    • PWG said

      I don’t think it’s been that bad. But then, I didn’t think the Megafox day was as bad as Jordan thought it was, either. He’s entitled to have an opinion on the movie as a standalone, it’s just that a lot of his questions/issues would’ve been cleared up if he had the book backstory first.

      Jordan, I beg you, don’t go emo or hostile on us tomorrow about today’s comments. We love you regardless of your opinion on these movies. As a famous Senator once said, you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and, doggonit, people like you.

      • MLF said

        BUT if you do feel the need to go emo or hostile on us tomorrow- please express yourself through one of those terrorism at the office book outtakes you’ve been teasingly telling us about. We can take it.

  16. Momma T said

    I am a huge Twilight Saga fan and love your posts, they are hysterical…

    And, the October/November/December scene was awesome and fit perfectly..that is how it is in the book…have you read them?

    Thanks for mkaing me crack up.

  17. kt said

    i love how not one person was up to the task of explaining everything to KSWI Jordan. even when prompted by brew dawgz in the comments the answers were all halfhearted and snarky. the only explanation anyone can offer, and the only one i try to offer when confronted about twilight in real life, is “you would get it if you read the books.”

    please dont read the books kay swidge. its better this way.

  18. PWG said

    I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I work in a mostly male industry. All the power tools at my house belong to me. I haven’t worn earrings or nail polish since my wedding day 10 years ago. I think a woman could be just as good or just as fucked up a President as any man.

    I’m attracted to a fictional arrogant, overbearing, obsessed stalker vampire with control issues, and the rather bewildered young English actor portraying him in the movies. I’m okay with these contradictions.

    • kt said

      i wish there was a “like” button on KSWI.

    • tiffanized said

      I’ve been shocked by the number of bona fide feminists that I’ve met through the Twi-world. Those of us who know it’s all glitter covered shite but love it anyway. Those of us who warn our daughters that stalking is not a compliment and that they’re more likely to run across a real vampire than a man who is as romantic as Edward. Those of us who right away noticed that Bella was a cipher (as are most of the female characters–Esme, anyone?), but kept reading hoping she’d develop a personality. It is a dichotomy between belief and desire, but there it is.

  19. cledbo said

    Bugaloo makes me think of Bugalo, which makes me think of the Wongs on Mars, which makes me think that New Moon probably would have been better if it was KSWI Jordan’s version.

    All of the things you brought up today, apart from Rachelle and being blinded by the Want, are issues with the story itself, and not poor ol’ DILF Chris Weitz, who had to make something to appease the slavering masses of Twilight fans (myself included).

    Most are salient points, I’ll grant you. And I want that last picture to be a movie as well.

    Don’t read the books unless you want to kiss goodbye to 2 perfectly good weeks of your life, and some of your sanity when you realise how much you hate a lot of the main characters but still love the strangely amature-yet-engaging writing of SMeyer.

    Also, I am now EXTREMELY looking forward to the release of a KStew non-Twi film. Then the funny won’t be tainted by your lack of prior preparation (not that I’m saying you should have prepared, for all my points and everyone elses above) and we can enjoy undiluted hilarious crazy rantings on the Want.

    Because she’ll Want it. She always does.

  20. UhSKi said

    Umm everything is pretty much straight out of the books. Even the 4 pages with October, November, December. So those would have more background like Bella and Charlie’s relationship and the Werewolves being dangerous, too, so they’re seen as much of a threat as the Vampires. But here’s a little bit trying to explain the R&J metaphor.

    Romeo and Juliet isn’t symbolic for Edward’s family versus Bella’s human family it’s more of the Capulets and Montagues being represented by the Vampires and Werewolves and the war between them. Jacob is like a brother to Bella and so him and the La Push Werewolves are like her unforgiving family telling her that if she becomes a Cullen/Vampire then they will kill her because she will then be a part of their war…. get it? No? Yeah me either. Hey, I tried.

    You would like reading Twilite: A Parody. It basically is the same exact story with horrible grammatical errors and a better ending all while poking fun at the fact that the series is now huge money more than anything else. =]

  21. Hermes said

    Dear Jordan:

    Everything you’ve said is basically true, and you’ve open a can o’worms that I have been struggling with since the release of the books with my friends and my Goddaughter who’s 13 and into the whole Twilight “stuff”.

    We can agree that Twilight is popular because its fun man-nip/fantasy porn to read and that it appeals to women of all ages. Its basically junk food for the brain and yes I’ve consumed it as well.

    But, like you, I did find it somewhat distrubing (primarily for the younger fan girls who are devouring it and who maybe taking it to heart), especially since Ms. Meyers the writer, seems to think that marrying at 18 is an ok thing for a young woman to aspire to do, without enjoying and exploring the world she lives in first.
    I don’t know if Ms. Meyers (being of the Morman faith), really believes that…I am of the opinion that she probably does.

    Other concerns;
    If 12 and 13 yr. old fan girls are really getting into Twilight, how far are they internalizing this?
    Do they believe some of the portrail’s are “normal or ok”??

    Example;
    Bella being 17 and stalked by a 107 yr old man Edward (such as you mentioned above).. is..well.. weird and downright perverted and creepy (Roman Polanski notwithstanding)..

    Other points of concern:
    **Is it ok to hide whatever your doing from your parents if it involves a boy friend?
    **Is it ok to be controlled by your boyfriend? or even hit by your boyfriend i.e.(the wolfboy and his fiancee)
    **Is it ok to let young women believe a man will rescue them and be their night and shining armor, and that you don’t need to learn survival skills for this big cruel world after all, because you’ll get taken care of by him.

    **Can the young fangirls distinguish between reality and fantasy? or do both come together at some apex to blend into one for them? And how is that influencing their behavior with men (presently and in the future?)
    **How will Twilight have an impact on their budding sexuality?

    I’d say I would defer –to the mom’s/dad’s to control whatever media their tween/teen daughters are watching, but the mom’s (Twilight Mom’s) are really into Twilight as well. So, there’s really no objectivity…

    I do think its great that fangirls and women have a blast reading the books and seeing the movies..I’m all for fun, but perhaps the younger ones should approach Twilight with some caution.

    On the other hand, what the hell do I know..

    When I was 12 I was into reading George Orwell’s Animal Farm, and James Fenimore Cooper’s The Last of the Mohicians. I had a big crush on Uncas.

    As usual, thank you for your insights.
    I enjoy reading your blog!
    KSWI, all the time 24/7.
    :))
    x H

    • MLF said

      here here 🙂

      although I did get engaged at 18 *ducks*

      lol but I broke it off before the wedding six months ago so it’s ok *all the single ladies…*

    • struhar2009 said

      i remember being young and reading fantasy books and such and just knowing it was fiction, but i was an adult reading the twi books so i don’t know if youngin’s are internalizing some of the stuff that can apply like hiding stuff you do if it involves a boyfriend. i’d like to think i’d just take the books in their entirety as fiction and not apply any of it to real life, but idk cause some of those crazy kids treat the actors like they really are bella and edward

  22. struhar2009 said

    you are hilarious. i died a couple times reading some of your posts. some people take twilight shit too seriously, but your site is so funny.

  23. MLF said

    soooooo

    this was hilarious. It was made even more hilarious by the fact that the whole time I was reading the post, I was slightly scared about what the commenters would have to say. (in my opinion you actually got off easy kay swidge. it was nowhere near the crucifiction I thought you would be recieving from angry lurking twihards..)

    yes it would make sense if you read the books, blah blah blah, but fuck! I’ve already read the books. and I like them, my good sense be damned- so I personally don’t really care what you thought about the actually story, I wanna hear you make fun of the movie dammit!! which you did and I thank you for that.

    anyways, two thumbs up from this creepy stalker fucker who needs a life!

    • MLF said

      wow. I am seriously depressed by my lack of * or # in my above comment so just for fun ######

      HAH and- just for fun*

      there. now I feel better.

      also…I don’t know if this is just me, but several people have pointed out the danger of twilight leading to girls hiding things from their parents having to do with their boyfriends…… this makes me wonder if I was the only person sneaking out of the house, school, church,w/e- to fornicate with said boyfriend behind my parents back? I am feeling very alone and slutty right now because apparantly people think this is a bad thing? oh well. regardless, Twilight was not out ( or maybe it was?? I got on this crazy train very, very late) so I can’t blame my debauchery on good ole’ Smeyer.

      and cheese and rice! The book is the biggest cockblock I have ever read. I mean hello, they are abstinent until marriage for goodness sake… the whole time I was reading I was like, cmon…not even a little game of just the tip???

      • kt said

        soooo true on the parents part. teenage girls dont tell their parents anything, hell adult girls dont neccessarily tell their parents things about their relationships. especially if said parent is a guy.

        for the record. at 23, my mom has never met a guy ive slept with. thats a pleasure that comes along with moving more than 4 hours away to attend college.

  24. Jeeeeeeez, guys! You’re ruining all the good twists by telling Jordan about how they get married at 18 and wait until then to have sex. He’s gonna be sooooo pissed.

  25. cledbo said

    It might be one of those crazy rumours that Snopes is too good to debunk for us, but it’s commonly brought up on FM radio programs here when they talk about Twilight that grown, adult women have broken up with their boyfriends and practically given up on relationships because no man will ever be ‘as good’ as Edward.

    I like to think that this isn’t true, because it kinda sounds like the second sign of the Apocalypse (the first one being Australia losing to the West Indies in the cricket, which is an unlikely but horrifying possibility).

    I can’t blame them tooooo much though, I lie awake sometimes wishing I could be a Culture Special Circumstances agent with CREW lasers in my fingernails and my own personal knife-missile.

    But that world is about as real as Twilight, so there you go. One can only hope that kids manage to distinguish between fun/silly/slightly disturbing fantasy, and the crazier place that is real life.

    • MLF said

      oh god…I’m really going to have to go into hiding after admitting this but this actually has a certain ammount of truth…at least for me.

      I read Twilight last march after seeing the movie on DVD, and I was hooked. But even worse than that, the movie/books made me completely realize I didn’t love my fiance the way Bella and Edward love each other. The horrible thing was my fiance DID love me that way. I can’t even begin to tell you what a disgusting excuse for a human being I felt like breaking up with him (especially when we still had to live together for two months before he could move out) but I couldn’t force myself to make it work anymore.

      Honestly, before Twilight I never would have left him- because I didn’t think true love was a real concept. I can’t really explain why I felt that way but whenever people would talk about true love or soulmates, I would be laughing. But after watching/reading Twilight, for some reason my eyes were majorly opened about how unhappy I really was with my ex and that I was just settling because I felt like that’s what I should do. (in my hometown you get married at 18…that’s just the way it goes)

      BUT- while I did leave him, and Twilight had a LOT to do with that, in no way shape or form did I leave him because I thought I was going to meet and fall in love with a sparkly vampire- nor would I WANT to try and find an “Edward Cullen” since for the most part he is pretty creeptastic if you actually apply his character to a real life setting.

      anyway. If Twilight can give other people the hope it gave me ( ridiculous fictional story or not) than I think it is a positive thing…and if people are crazy enough to break up with people they really DO love just because they dont sparkle in the sunlight or stay up everynight to watch them sleep…well that’s just psycho.

  26. Mary said

    What do I win for guessing your favorite scene? Nice job trying to brush off your love of Rachelle’s cleavage movement by saying you “liked Hearing Damage”…that made me spit my coffee. I mean, c’mon Jordy – you liked Hester’s naked ass enought to PAUSE your Tivo and take a photo with your cell phone!

    Again, don’t agree with you, but this would be why you have testicles and girls have a unterus. WE actually feel stuff. 😉

    You know I love you.

    MC

  27. aneira said

    i know straight guys who have read the series and liked it. (kinda of weird, but my best friends) (yeah, they really are straight)
    but as a 26 year old straight male and i know for a fact you wont enjoy them.
    my point was that everything you complained about was explained completely in the book. they just figure that every screaming girl in the audience has read the book and understands whats going on. how did any of it make sense? at all?!

    glad you agree with me on the kick assness of the soundtrack.

  28. lietchka said

    remember that episode of Clarissa Explains It All when Ferguson and her compete on a sibbling’s game show and lose because Ferguson doesn’t know that “flammable” and “inflammable mean the same thing?

    that was a great episode.

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