New Moon Review Part III – Comparing Assholes and Oranges

November 25, 2009

I am not a Virgo. I am a Gemini which means my split personalities are to be expected and considered cute.

I see what you are all doing. Don’t pretend like I don’t know. I know. I know it and you know it. You should know it that I know it. Unless you don’t think I’m capable of knowing what you know because that is flat out ridiculous. I know what you know. I know what you don’t know. I know what you don’t want me to know. And I know you should know all of that. Just thought you should know.

Oh, Edward is a stalker. Edward is a creep. Edward hurts Bella. Edward is an old man. Edward is a 90+ year old virgin. Edward is controlling. Edward is gay. I made up the last one, but you get the picture.

You’re trying to take away my ammunition! You’re trying to cut holes in my sails! You’re trying to rain on my parade! You’re trying to tell me that when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s boyfriend in Donnie Darko beeps his horn when he drops her from their late night rendezvous that he is signaling to Donnie upstairs asleep in his bed that they made it from traveling back through time and that he needs to wake up to get out of bed so he isn’t killed by the airplane engine that is about to crush his house! I don’t buy that Richard Kelly! I don’t buy that her boyfriend in the bunny suit was apart of the time travel business! I need to stop exclaiming… I think he beeps his horn because he is saying goodnight to Maggie and that only Donnie travels through time. Donnie seeing the kid in the bunny outfit is some type of prophecy of time travel and not the actual kid in the bunny outfit. Donnie is just getting closer and closer to converging and breaking the time space continuum that his world is beginning to morph and collapse on itself like him seeing the time trails that look like the alien creature thing in The Abyss coming out of everyone’s stomachs at the party. And also….

Oh who am I kidding? That movie makes no fucking sense! It blinded me with Echo and the Bunnymen, an amazing Patrick Swayze cameo, talks of Smurfs fucking and, of course, time travel. Let alone that the amazing Tears for Fears cover would make any movie watchable. Any movie. Even that shit Twilight movie. Whoops! Awww… KSWI Jordan, why do you do that?

Your big plan is to detonate the bomb of Edward and Jacob hate by hating on them yourselves in the comment section, so I have nothing left to say. I see it. I like it. But it puts me in an awkward position. Awkward like my elevator ride earlier. Hey buddy, I know that no one is in the office today, but could you button at least three of those buttons on your shirt, not including the cuffs. The elevator ride was me, my coffee, and this guy’s chest hair. Zing! Thanks. That is exactly what I need to help me get through today.

So what do I do?

I could rewrite all the bad things that you say about Edward. I could rewrite them as if you didn’t write them already in the comments section because it isn’t like I read the comments section on my mountain of Mandom. And you’ve even ruined that for me right now. I can’t right “mandom” without thinking you are thinking about some “man” “dom” because you’re all a bunch of creeps who read slash fiction or something. Jeez. It’s the whole “that’s what she said” where I have to dissect everything I’m about to say to make sure it isn’t “that’s what she said” applicable. But I can’t stop myself anyway because it is too funny to say “that’s what she said”. Especially in public.

I could write how old Edward is. I could write about him living through World War I and II. I could write how Edward lived in a world prior to not only the word “airplane”, but the damn thing as well. I could write that Edward’s inexplicable ability to not find a mate in 100 years on this planet is not romantic, but CRAZY! I could write how mentally deranged Edward must be to not only do that, but to have lived through that. I could write that the idea of a 100 year old virgin is not an attribute women should fawn over. I could write that the idea a typical regular average Joe might not be great at sex, but a 100 year old virgin vampire will be so bad at sex and his concept of it will be so insane by that point that he’ll end up doing something so creepy it will scar you for life. I’m just saying don’t be surprised if he sticks his penis in your ear.

But you all know that already. And you don’t care!

I could write how Edward’s “immortal love” would get old real quick. I could write how in Edward’s world there is no such thing as “girl’s night out”. Edward will be tagging along to your “girl’s night”. Those nights where you go out with your friends to talk girl stuff and flirt with guys you have no intention of sleeping with (just being cock teases) and getting drunk on hard liquor and dancing and laughing about your current boyfriends or husbands or 100 year old newly de-virginized vampire lovers. Those nights don’t exist anymore. Edward will be at that bar. Edward will be creeping at the other end of the bar staring at you and your friends listening in on your conversations with his vampire ears. Your friends will see him because he both doesn’t want to be seen and wants to be seen at the same time because in reality he is prissier than the high school girl(s) he is attracted to.

I could write that you would have to teach Edward to be a hu-MAN. I could write how for a normal life with Edward you would need to get Edward into football or baseball or basketball or something that will suck up hundreds of hours of his life so that you can have some peace and quiet of your own. If you just want to snuggle up with a blanket in the living room reading the newest issue of US Weekly on a Saturday – that just won’t happen. I could write how Edward will be in that room with you. I could write how Edward will just longingly stare at you for the entire time and whisper the lyrics of Every Breath You Take to you. But he doesn’t know that song. He thinks he is coming up with this off the top of his head because that is how he feels. Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.

Romantic? No. I’ve seen girls. I’ve met girls. I know girls. You will all hate that shit. It might be cute for a week or at best a month, but in the end you will hate that shit.

I could write that your relationship with Edward will end badly. I could write that your whirlwind relationship of “immortal love” will begin with you fucking his brains out. Good job. After you have “romantically” fucked his brains out you will have opened the flood gates forever for his creep ways. You have waited how long for him to come along in your life? It is only a fraction of time compared to him. He has waited for OVER 100 YEARS FOR YOU! Guess what? He is going to spend every waking and sleeping second with you. This is bad news. You will try to reason with him. But vampires who believe in immortal love and have sacrificed a 100 years of sex on the chance of your existence don’t understand reason. He will never stop being right next to you, saying weird stuff and never leave you alone.

Edward will leave you childish love notes written in some archaic turn of the century poetic style that doesn’t even resemble modern romantic poetry that you will read and roll your eyes at and shrug at and throw away and he will find them thrown away and cry to himself because you are not saving them in some scrap book for the rest of fucking time.

He’ll tell you all the boring stories of his life over and over and over again. Why are they boring? Because a guy willing to not have sex for over a 100 years is motherfucking boring. He is not a cool guy. He also drives a Volvo. BY CHOICE! He has no concept of safety standards and he doesn’t have children. He is also filthy rich. He just wants to drive a Volvo. Edward will tell you his boring stories and talk about waiting all these years for you and he’ll always be pushing you to walk in the woods with him. Ugh! Enough with the fucking woods! There is poison ivy in the woods! Our house is infested with bugs because we carry them from all those stupid woods walks back into the house! My feet have calluses from all this woods walking! There are skunks out there! If I spend enough time in the woods I will get skunked! Is that what you want my immortal lover? Me to get skunked!?!

You will fight. You will have arguments, but he won’t understand why he can’t just be with you all the time and why you don’t love him in the creep every second ever love way that he does for you. So this relationship will go one of two ways. You’ll try to change him or you’ll dump him. Or you’ll cheat on him and get him to dump you if you are passive aggressive, but we don’t have time for that one… also shhhhhhhh girls don’t ever do that. No matter what, this relationship is going to end at some point. Let’s go down avenue A which makes the charade last a little bit longer.

I could write about how you will try to make him that typical guy with the sports or videogames or hobbies, but they won’t take. Now that Edward has you he doesn’t need thunderstorm baseball plus he’ll want you there watching him play thunderstorm baseball when/if he does play it. You’re going to need him to develop a drinking problem and find friends that are questionable who take him out to strip clubs or shady bars or to a football game every Sunday. Just like a typical guy. You need Edward to have those friends not only to suck up his time, but so you can yell at him for having some morally questionable friends that you don’t get along with. All of this is because currently his hobby is you. He needs another hobby. Life is long. Real long. Unless you die, life is fucking looooooooooooooonnnnnggggggg. Edward isn’t going anywhere and that will be very tiring.

In the end, Edward will not take on any hobbies. He has waited for 100 years for you and nothing else will compare. I could write about how you will fight again. This time you will break up. You will blame him for being too clingy as well as a host of other problems that may or may not be true, but will be added to the list to make you feel justified in dumping this sap. I could write how you will have ruined Edward. I could write you have taken his virginity, robbed him of his love, dumped him and you will move on while he will fall into a downward spiral of vice. I could write how Edward will turn to cocaine, vodka, and blood cocktails and he’ll womanize with prostitutes. Edward will fall into the depths of addiction from drugs to sex to gambling to drunk dialing you until you need to change your number, address and move altogether.

I could write how in the end, Edward will be killed by Fake-Michael Sheen or Fake-Dakota Fanning because he has disgraced himself. I could write how he will be glad that they will finally end his life. I could write after 100 years of virginal vampiral life, Edward will be dead within a year of loving one human woman.

I could write that. But I won’t.

Hmmmm… what about Jacob?

I could write “seriously!?! That guy!” I could write that girls choosing Jacob cannot be seen as anything more than just wanting to see him take his shirt off. There is no “immortal love” there. That is lowest common denominator. Girls being attracted to Jacob is like guys being attracted to Megan Fox. Purely superficial. There is no romance or future in that. I could write how I don’t even have to get creative here because no one is trying to justify that relationship than he has muscles and is pretty. I could write that I see nothing wrong with this superficialism as long as people don’t act like there is anything else there.

I could write that none of you would respect him. I could write that since he is so pretty and musclely that you’ll all immediately judge him as being retarded. I could write how we all do that already for really good looking people. I could write that anyone physically over a 9 we think might have a 60 IQ. I could write that whether he is smart or not you’ll still treat him like an idiot. I could write that if Jacob is smarter than you or just as smart as you then you will hold that against him and hate him out of spite. I could write that Jacob is a part of a pack of wolves who are like brothers to him and how they live to help each other. I could write that you will call Jacob and his wolf brothers “gay” during an argument and maybe all arguments with him.

I could write that you will belittle Jacob for not being the leader of the wolf pack even though you have told him that you don’t want him to be leader of a violent and murderous pack of supernatural vampire fighting wolves. I could write that Jacob will eventually spend more and more time with the wolf pack because of these fights and you will call him a coward from running away from your life together.

Or I could write that Jacob will one day kill you or horribly scar you because he is a fucking werewolf either with his claws or from “phasing” or whatever it was that was mentioned in the comments.

I could write that, but I won’t.

I guess I’ll just skip to my conclusion because I didn’t get a chance to write anything that I wanted today because of you women and your devious plots against me. I was going to say that I think Bella should pick neither of these guys: Jacob or Edward. I would have gone on to say how I think both of these guys are asking way too much from a teenage girl. These guys have lives that are way too serious for someone to be wrapped up in at such a young age. I wanted to say that these guys live very complicated lives and your first, second, third et cetera relationships should not be this complicated.

I was going to write that my personal opinion is that Bella should keep it in her pants until she gets to college.

Bella should go to college. Bella should meet some normal people. Bella should hang out with humans. Bella should try to avoid wildly dangerous situations like marrying a vampire and/or a werewolf for awhile. Bella should experience the world first before she decides to enter a mythical battle between fairy tale monsters. If one can avoid the pitfalls of life then one should avoid them. Marrying a vampire and becoming a vampire are a lot worse decisions at eighteen than getting a tramp stamp tattoo in Cancun on Spring Break. You can’t undid being a vamp or having Edward watch you when you sleep every night always and when you try to take naps.

At the same time, who the fuck is this Bella chick? From what I can tell she isn’t anything special. So she might want to grab a hold of Edward or Jacob right now before they realize they should’ve proposed to a chick who can hold up her end of the conversation and maybe has something in common with them. So who am I to judge? Edward’s rich and Jacob’s jacked. That might be enough.

That being said…

I do like the soundtrack to New Moon. And Kristen Stewart wants IT. I laughed until I cried while watching the movie. I was laughing at all the girls screaming. I was laughing at the ridiculousness of full scenes based around these guys walking in slow motion or taking their shirts off. I was laughing at how much Kristen Stewart wanted it. I was laughing a lot. I was also drunk. I enjoyed it in all that regard. I’ve had fun talking about it with the people who have seen it or haven’t seen it. It never gets old hearing someone tell me how poorly written the books are, but how badly I need to read them because they are great. Not one book, but all four. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that, but I like it.

I think my review for New Moon is done. I would talk about Kristen more, but she really didn’t seem like the focus of the movie in the least. She is just kind of there. I think these movies are terrible vehicles to prove whether or not she is an actress, but they’ll make her famous enough that some real director with a real script will take that gamble on her. I would like to see her in a Spike Jonze movie, pretty much.

Thursday and Friday posts will be more random chapters from that book idea from last Friday. Also,

Happy Thanksgiving

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85 Responses to “New Moon Review Part III – Comparing Assholes and Oranges”

  1. PWG said

    I got as far as “man” and “dom” and thought, “He finally gets us.”

  2. PWG said

    You seem confused over the cock tease issue. The whole, “go out and flirt with men you have no intention of sleeping with” thing. Are you intimating that people should NOT flirt with other people they don’t 100% intend to sleep with? Because that makes it a pretty black and white issue. You’re either flirting and banging, or not flirting and not banging. Sometimes you have to flirt to see if you WANT to bang. If you’re getting all flirting and no banging, you’re dropping the ball somewhere on the 20-yard line. Or else making it hard to find you.

    • Zees84 said

      “If you’re getting all flirting and no banging, you’re dropping the ball somewhere on the 20-yard line. Or else making it hard to find you.”

      What “If”, PWG, WHAT “IF”??

      • PWG said

        Well, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he might be the regular recipient of world-class screen door in a hurricane banging outside the parameters of this blog.

        But if not, then like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, he’s had the solution with him the whole time. It’s called Google Maps, Jordan.

  3. tiffanized said

    Donnie Darko was an artsy-fartsy, sci-fictiony rip off of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I’ll take any excuse to see Jake Gyllenhaal do anything other than fuck Heath Ledger, though.

    • Zees84 said

      I might be wrong on this….wasn’t Jake usually the one getting fucked?

      This is really important for me to know. REALLY.

      • Indeed. I do believe Heath was the pitcher most of the time.

      • tiffanized said

        I watched Brokeback Mountain exactly one time, and that was in fast-forward on the TiVo machine with closed captioning on. I may have missed some of the finer details of who was doing what to whom. I decided it wasn’t important, since when I have sex with someone, I feel justified in saying I fucked them when by these standards I was the one getting fucked.

      • Zees84 said

        Tiff, ask PWG how she wants to introduce me at cocktail parties….

      • MLF said

        I believe they only showed the one # between the two of them, in the tent- but Jake was the bottom.

        I have to say I was looking forward to that movie but ended up just wanting those hours of my life back

      • TDawn said

        I can’t even tell you how disappointed I was when I finally saw BBM. I thought since it had won a GD Oscar that the love scenes between the two guys was so amazing and beautiful you could suspend your reality and get caught up in their sexual tension and then finally the act itself. Uh..yeah, not so much. AND Heath was a total MUMBLER!

      • MLF said

        that is so, sooo true. And there is nothing worse than a mumbler, for sure.

  4. PWG said

    This was an utterly fantastic breakdown of the whole thing. You can now safely ignore the Twilight craziness again until the third movie comes out.

    “Bella should experience the world first before she decides to enter a mythical battle between fairy tale monsters.” I saw that paragraph and thought, “Aw, Jordan’s going to be a good dad someday.” Sure, your kids will ignore you and get that tramp stamp (or worse) anyway, but that’s the nature of the beast.

  5. Zees84 said

    KSWI Jordan,

    While I won’t let you near my daughter right now, (for fear you will tell her that you are “onto her” and her plans for world domination), nor when she is 15, (because I know you sometimes have a tendency toward the youngins, and by then you will be 40, and as you so eloquently pointed out yesterday, yuck), but when my daughter is 18….I’m inviting you over for a supervised motivational talk. Either that, or I’m going to print this post out and keep it in her baby book until such time as she comes home and says, “Mom, meet my boyfriend.” I really thought I had enough painful adolescent personal stories to dissuade her from getting too involved too quickly, but I much prefer yours. And I do not want any penises in her ear. Not until she’s married, at least.

  6. This was magic. I lost it with “don’t be surprised if he sticks his penis in your ear.” After that I was sold. I want your book to exist… Your book where inexperienced Edward accidentally skullfucks Bella, which is just the first in a long line of events that go horribly awry and lead to the creepy stalkerish break-up scenario you’ve imagined. Who gives a fuck about Midnight Sun – GIVE ME THAT.

    For the record… We weren’t doing it just to take away your ammunition. We all really feel that way. I’m by no means the typical person who should like this shit, but I do. And I can’t really explain why… But you should be thankful (good time of the year for this, no?) that you have such brilliant people reading and contributing comments. Yesterday could have gone in a totally different direction of “OMG YOU ASSHOLE SHUT UP TWILIGHT’S THE BESSSSSTTTTT.” But it didn’t because we’re all intelligent, progressive, independent women with inexplicable hard-on’s for whimpy, stalker vampires. You love it, I know it.

  7. PWG said

    I think you have a valid point about fake-Rob’s sexual prowess. He doesn’t sleep and he’s been around for 100 years, so you might assume that all of his moves are going to come from lots of late night porn movies. That would be a recipe for disaster, right? Porn is not a good template for learning how to have sex. They’re always doing things that move them out of the way so the camera can get right in there. They say ridiculous things that are not arousing.

    But fake-Rob has one advantage. He can read the minds of nearly everyone he meets. He can hear the “God, if fake-Kellen slaps my ass one more time I’m going to dismantle him” thoughts that fake-Nikki is having. I’m sure it’s like that “What Women Want” movie, where Mel Gibson ended up being very enlightened. Not in real life, obviously.

    • tiffanized said

      Don’t forget that Edward went to medical school a couple of times, maybe even long enough ago when it was common practice to give women ‘hysterical paroxysms’ to relieve hysteria. So it’s possible E was giving orgasms way back when Gran Swan was Bella’s age. Ooh, what if Edward gave Bella’s Gran a hand job? That’s effed up times ten right there.

      • That would be an awkward Thanksgiving for sure…

        Good thing the office is empty. The volume with which I’m laughing at all of this today would be grounds for firing.

    • Zees84 said

      “Porn is not a good template for learning how to have sex.”

      Uh oh.

      • PWG said

        I recommend Fleet Week.

      • Zees84 said

        Are you referring to the NYC event…or a porno? Because I am familiar with both.

      • PWG said

        As soon as I posted that I thought, I meant the experience of sailors on shore leave, not some porn movie named Fleet Week. So I had to research if there was such a flick. Of course there is. It’s a gay porn movie, and I wasn’t recommending it specifically. And if you’re as dangerously curious as I am, I can’t emphasize enough how much you don’t want to click on the first suggested Google link at work.

        Plus I wasn’t serious about the banging sailors on shore leave part. At this point, I feel like I need to clarify that, ack.

      • cledbo said

        Some of the girls at my high school agreed with you, PWG.

        I think the sailors all thought they were in Georgia, as I was the equivalent of a Junior when the USS Kitty Hawk stopped in.

        I resisted the urge at the time. I prefer men in green, personally.

    • All excellent points, PWG. I don’t know why so many girls out there expect Edward to be amazing his first time out the gate… He doesn’t even have the edge with Bella as far as mind reading goes, so any competitive advantage he may have had over a “normal” dude is out the window.

      Everyone got so angry about the “fade to black” part of Breaking Dawn when the Mormon author who made her poorly developed characters get married first didn’t describe the sex in excruciating detail. Two things… One, of course she didn’t for the reasons I just stated! Two, the description of said act probably would’ve been awkward instead of hot (bruise-causing actions notwithstanding).

      I say leave it up to your fan fics, because I’m pretty sure SMeyer would’ve butchered it. I’m just impressed she had Bella wearing legit lingerie in the 4th book instead of going to bed in her usual ankle-length khaki skirts and sweaters. Rahr.

      Also… I do think the idea of a virgin can be appealing to the ladies because they want to have a hand in corrupting them. Or something.

      • MLF said

        Once again I am going to come across as being really disturbing…but I have a thing for highschool boys.(of legal age of course. and besides there’s nothing sexy about undercooked meat if you get my drift)

        fuck that was so, sooo wrong. I’m not deleting it though..ahaha.

        but yes. I like highschool boys. They start out pretending to be soooo cocky and confident and yet- get them alone in the bedroom and it’s a whole different story…

        did anyone see the episode of Buffy where the praying-mantis-demon-thingy teacher tries to boink him and then eat him?

        I need help. truly.

      • MLF said

        and by him I totally meant Xander, of course

  8. I can’t stop laughing at this post – it was truly that amazing. I’m switching into 100% serious mode for a minute…

    This Thanksgiving, you are on my list of things for which I’m thankful. Sincerely. Your brilliant but totally fucked up humor quite literally makes my day on a regular basis. Your updates are a bright spot in my otherwise dull Monday through Friday that I spend tethered to my cubicle. In some roundabout, ass-backwards way, your insanity helps keep me sane. It’s also been the catalyst behind some pretty fun online friendships with the likes of Zees, Tiff, PWG, etc – something that also improves my day immensely.

    So thank you, Jordan, for taking the time out of your busy day to share your thoughts with us; for patiently humoring us by answering our completely invasive questions; for playing along and using *’s and O:F&B (even if you think it’s fake); for making my workdays bearable. Truly. Thank you.

    And thank you fellow habitual commenters/creepy stalker fuckers for “getting” me. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

    Now back to the debauchery… Gotta see if I can find something worse than “skullfuck” to torture Zees with now…

  9. Zees84 said

    HEY KSWI JORDAN!

    Where in the grandmotherfucking assfuck are my creative curses?

  10. PWG said

    Jordan, if you should wish to use this post as your latest and greatest comedy resume, might I recommend deleting all of the comments first? I know we’re classing the joint up and all, but I can’t help but feel like you’d be better served by cutting it off at “Happy Thanksgiving.”

  11. Zees84 said

    KSWI Jordan,

    Clearly, the four of us are at work yet have the fever. Not werewolf fever, not hysteria fever requiring vamp/doc induced orgasms (but um…not sure I’d mind that), but “my office is empty and Im stuck at work like a total asshole” fever. You said yourself that you’re by yourself (rahr), so come out and play with us in the comments. We won’t tell anyone.

    You might even persuade us to give you a hot, sexy, wet haiku.

  12. Zees84 said

    So, I’m guessing this is what the KSWI New Moon DVD Release Party: New Jersey Edition will be like.

    With more alcohol and less gay porn.

  13. Susanelle said

    Oh, Jordan, you’re so wise for your age… and height.

    • cledbo said

      pahahaha I don’t know why but this made me laugh at an inappropriate volume.

      • MLF said

        it made me not only laugh, but also extremely curious about how tall Jordan is since I somehow seem to have forgotten this important tidbit. Now I am in suspense.

      • cledbo said

        By his own addmission, he is apparently 6’5.

        Originally he teased us with “taller than 6′”

      • Zees84 said

        6’3″

        fml

      • MLF said

        oh dear. I’m even more confused now than before- so is Jordan 6’5″ and Zees you are 6’3″? Or are you clarifying that Jordan is 6’3″? and I am confuddled by the FML…is that there because you hate that you are tall,(I am tallish-5’10”-and I hate it..) or because you are super turned on by how tall Jordan is and were wishing that he were shorter so you would not be so attracted to an anonymous blogger?

        Inquiring minds wanna know

      • I got this one, Zees – I sat the last one out and it’s best if we have just one fml moment each per day…

        MLF, Jordan is 6’3″. Zees was correcting Cledbo and saying “fml” because she actually has the height of a man she doesn’t know committed to memory. I know this because I feel the same way about all of my encyclopedic knowledge. I could’ve answered you long before, but decided to try to preserve some of my dignity and let someone else take it.

        I’m 5’10” as well. I don’t mind being tall, but it’s a constant nuisance when I feel so inclined to wear heels and tower over every male as a result. In my adult, 4″ heel-wearing life, I spend most of my time looking down at men (literally, looking down – not shunning them or anything). Jordan would be taller than me even in my highest heels, and therein lies a portion of his appeal…

        And with that, it’s time for me to go get drunk at a local dive bar. Tonight, I am thankful for vodka and DD’s. Have a good night and Thanksgiving, all.

        Oh yeah, and goodbye remaining dignity/fml. Can’t forget that.

      • MLF said

        ohhhh I get it now! yay.

      • TDawn said

        Tall chicks rule! I’m 5’9″, HB you are SO right about tall boys and wearing heels. 6’3″ would be perfect. I was at a club last weekend in OK, one of the bouncers was SEVEN effing feet tall. It was amazing. I was completely smitten. In heels my eyeline was at his bicep with a tattoo peeking out from the bottom of his well fitted short-sleeve polo shirt. Yum!

  14. kt said

    even tho i totally get the funny and like making fun of it myself this post kinda made me pull a “fake-kristen in the hospital” in my head.

    what? you.. no. no. how… what… what are yo.. what are you saying? what are you talking about? you want me to.. i… i cant.. you just… you just cant say stuff like that to me. ever.

    can we just go back to talking about how much kristen stewart wants it?

  15. dmtl said

    I think KSWIJordan just ruined the books for me. Just a little bit. I mean, the post was hilarious and I was laughing so hard my mom was giving me weird looks, but now every time I read the books I´ll be thinking about all this subtext in it.

    I´ll still like them, sure, but it´s sorta like when you learn the truth about fairy tales ( “Oh, Sleeping Beauty is sooo sweet! Wait, what? What do you mean the prince rapes her in the original version and that doesn´t even matter because it´s all just a metaphor for the seasons of the year??”): Edward is just a virgin stalker who likes them young and Jacob is nothing more than great abs.

    Not that most of us didn´t already know that, but to have the undeniable written logical proof kind of sucks ( not your post KSWIJordan, the post really is awesome. The truth in between the lines about Twilight sucks.).

    Anyway, on a side note, I feel this will make me look even more silly, but what´s Thanksgiving? “Have a happy Thanksgiving”? Is that a holiday?

    • Ooo where are you from, dmtl? I assumed you were American, which is stupid and, well, very American of me.

      Thanksgiving is a U.S. holiday-turned-competitive-eating-event, where we all get together with family and friends to eat an enormous meal and celebrate everything we’re thankful for. It all goes back to the Pilgrims and Indians (“native americans” for those of us who are PC) eating feasting together to celebrate surviving the winter or something. Wikipedia is a better teacher than I am though, so you may want to give this article a read if you’re not already bored of this explanation.

      See, you learn about Thanksgiving and I learned that the Prince in Sleeping Beauty was a rapist. This is news to me. Yay learning!

  16. Freya said

    Wait….shit….a penis in the ear isn’t intercourse? Fuck. If that’s the case, I think I may still be a virgin.

    • Freya said

      Also, that “Fleet Week” DVD didn’t clear ANYTHING up for me.

    • cledbo said

      According to Family Guy, ear-sex is the #1 way to stay abstinent while still getting (very) freaky.
      Thank you, Seth MacFarlane, for educating Mr KSWI Jordan. Unless he came up with that on his own, which is actually creepy.

  17. PWG said

    I didn’t mention how fantastic your picture captions were today, but they were superb.

    • I actually saved two of them. First time ever. I don’t know what I’m going to use them for… Greeting cards come to mind.

      Almost shared one on facebook — that’s what the cool kids do, right? But I fear that might be waving my freak flag a little too proudly, and I’m pretty closeted about this shit.

  18. MLF said

    Agreed. I save them all the time though, but today’s were particularly excellent.

    And I am with you in that closet HB…strait up seven minutes in heaven style.

    I am so far in the closet I can see the Narnia lampost from my little hidey hole where I pretend I’m not completely batshit over Twilight.

    • If you’re in here with me, I feel like it’s necessary to set some ground rules:

      1. Anything above the waist is fair game until I get to know you a little better
      2. Keep any and all appendages out of my ears
      3. If you’re a “praying-mantis-demon-thingy” that plans on eating me, you can just get the fuck out of here right now and find our own closet.

      We can discuss how this will progress after the first 7 minutes pass. Also, sorry I’m not a high school boy.

      • Bah – your own closet. I’m so shaken by the prospect I can’t type.

      • MLF said

        1. good to know- I’ll keep that in mind for future reference
        2. Luckily (or sadly, depending how you look at it) I have no appendages to put in your ears. Well ok I have appendages, thus my ability to type this comment and walk around, but I have no desire to stick my fingers or toes in anyone’s ear. I make no promises about the toungue though, I love me some ear nibbling.
        3. I am most assuredly not a praying-mantis-demon-thingy. But I do wish I could have been on Buffy. Actually I sometimes wish I was Buffy *sigh*

        I am excited to see my report card, and it’s ok you aren’t a highschool boy. You can’t have everything in life afterall

  19. cledbo said

    I like that you like our alleged Edward/Jacob-hate-post sabotage. I know that you like that I like that too*. And don’t run from TWSS – it will track you down and jump you whether you like it or not*. Awesome.

    It feels like only yesterday you lot had another holiday-turned-eating-contest long weekend, known here as the Fourth of Joo-laaaaiii. How many of these do you get?! I don’t get a holiday for 2 more weeks, and no *public* holiday until Xmas.

    I second HBs sentiment that this place is the shiz and I love it. I love you. I love Kristen Stewart Wanting IT. I especially love this group of dirty dirty women with minds as far in the gutter at my own. We’re all down here together, looking at the stars – and drinking $5 margheritas in between delicious snarks.

    Don’t have too much fun this weekend kids, I need my fix next week – posts and comments! They’re like salt and vinegar, kinda OK apart, but orgasmically I-just-ate-a-whole-tube-of-S&V-Pringles good together.

  20. Crystal said

    I literally read parts of this out loud to my friend while we prepared my Christmas tree decorations. Yes, I’m doing a New Moon themed tree. I know you guys can’t be THAT shocked. I’m obsessed and silly and I love it. Anyway, great post. As usual. Happy Christmas…I mean Thanksgiving.

    • MLF said

      I feel like you are one of the people responsible for why my neighborhood grocery store is playing Christmas carrols already and being decked out with fake snow, garland and annoying blow-up singing snowmen.

      I suspect by the time Christmas actually gets here I will have reached my snapping point and gone completely batshit all over the inflatables, ripping them to shreds and crushing their stupid music boxes.

      • tiffanized said

        I think I am the only house in the neighborhood that doesn’t have an inflatable Santa/Snowman/Grinch/Snowglobe/Christmas Tree on their lawn. I’ve considered buying a blow up sex doll, putting a Santa hat on it and tethering it to the light pole, but I chicken out every year.

        Last year, someone went through my neighborhood and slashed all of the inflatable crap on Christmas Eve. I don’t know who it was, but that fabulous bastard gave me the best Christmas gift in recent memory.

      • MLF said

        dam! I wish I could take credit for that random act of brilliance but it wasn’t me…it will be soon though, if these people keep rushing my holiday seasons!!

        this is unrelated to christmas related vandalism, but one of the things I miss the most about working in preschool is how important EVERY season and holiday is. Every month we would change the classroom and ceiling decorations (we always had leaves, snowflakes, big fat raindrops, ect. that the kids had colored hung up) August was back to school with little hanging schoolbusses, September was welcome to fall, October was Halloween, November was Thanksgiving, ect. Even if the month had no holiday in it, we still theme decorated to match the season. For April we colored little umbrellas to hang….

        It was like, FINALLY some people who understand me! Even if they are four! Not once did we start decorating for Christmas ( it was a Christian preschool so we got away with this) before Thanksgiving…we didnt put up our little April showers umbrellas before we took our March Shamrocks down!!!

        I love hanging ceiling decorations, and I love coloring. Four year olds are my soulmates. <—- IN A NON CREEPY WAY

    • cledbo said

      As long as you promise not to make a Breaking Dawn themed tree in a few years time.

      No one likes demon-baby fetuses or half eaten deer carcasses decking the halls.

  21. aneira said

    jaime campbell bower is one of the volturi but i fell in love with him during sweeney todd. hes such a babe. and a badass. i love him so much.
    michael sheen is a badass in underworld.
    i think he is in alice in wonderland. but im not sure. the white rabbit possibly.
    im really looking forward to that movie for helena bonham carter and johnny depp. and i love danny elfman. i dont know if i mentioned this, but i love anything by tim burton and his movies usually involve those three.
    i love the store hotrags and i want everything in it.
    have i told you this? my name is not aneira and i dont know why i said it was. i guess i was making sure you werent a creeper or anything. i dunno.
    fleet foxes are amazing
    currently, my profile picture on facebook is me riding a scooter. badass.
    “you watched me poop” lol that was funny
    im not really strange and creepy and weird. at all. im a normal person so to speak. i just see things differently.
    i dont really want to get married when im older but i do want children. i want to live in a penthouse in chicago and become a movie soundtrack supervisor as a profession. i like politics but at the same time i hate them and unless i really like a candidate i probably wont vote in presidential elections because everyone sucks and government is corrupt. obama kicks butt tho.
    i really want a pair of red dock martin boots
    sorry for the randomness of todays comment. i mentally exploded.

  22. TDawn said

    Geminimotherfucker! Do you ever find yourself saying this? I had a friend who did. If not, feel free to use it when you see fit.

    Love this post. They have something called a Cullen Smile in the Twi-world. I have KSWIJ Smiles. Your posts give me a KSWIJ Smile daily. Also, when I’m out trying to live my life and stupid shit reminds me of you KSWI Jordan. Get out of my head!

    You know what sucks more than crushin’ on a fictional character in a “Young Adult” Vampire book? Or Real-Rob? Crushin’ on a blogger in the great state of NJ who has many of the qualities I wish I could find in a dude within a 30 mile radius of me. When did you say you were coming back to the Land of Milk and Honey (and Smog)??

    You’re a good egg, KSWIJ. Keep up the good work. I agree 100% with what HB said about what you do for us and I like to think you get something in return also. I think we have a little Symbiosis happening all up in here.

    Happy Thanksgiving one and all!

    • Zees84 said

      “crushin'”? You”re so sweet and innocent. That used to be my job around here.

      Then I told Jordan I wanted to fuck, tie him up.with a few of his Men’s Wearhouse ties, let him put it anywhere he wants in exchange for HGTTG, thanked him for interviewing me for the position of “under him”, and today, I used the word grandmotherfucker.

      KSWI Jordan, you have been, are, and will continue to be my downfall. And for that, I am thankful.

  23. campbelld said

    I am writing this in a McD’s in a country town on our way to the desert. Except it’s not really a desert, it’s covered in plants and stuff. Cool place though.
    These reviews were flippin’ great. I wish I could watch Twilight drunkenly. Several of my guy friends have gone to see it sober, for some reason. They were with girls, but jeez.
    On the note of Megan Fox, it was really wierd in Transformers 2 when she was dating Shia. I didn’t think that would happen. They just make out, imply sex and move on. There is no relationship with Megan Fox. That black hole of want would destroy you.
    Anyways, I loved these. I will, unfortunately, be away from the interwebz for about two weeks, being out in the foliage filled desert. So I’m going to miss a lot of KSWI. I cant wait till I get back so I can have a massive session.
    Laters, Campbell.
    Also, http://campbelld.wordpress.com/

  24. PWG said

    We’ve narrowed your birthday down to somewhere between May 20th to June 21st, I guess. I had to look that up. Someone asked me last week what sign my kids were and I stared back blankly. Uh, I don’t know, are we still doing astrology? I had no idea. I gave her their birthdays, she figured it out for me, and I’ve forgotten already.

    I’m a hard-eyed rationalist, not much given to exploring astrology, psychics, palmistry, ghosts or the supernatural in general. I like things in a petri dish that I can study and poke, as it were. So, you know, yay vampires! I’m such an idiot.

    • TDawn said

      I’m not super into astrology either, but I do trip out how the characteristics of the “Signs” can be so spot-on for some people. I’m a Virgo to a T (or V if you will). The Gemini description I read seemed to fit KSWIJ well. It’s freaky. Like the ghosts in the bathroom who flush the toilets in the empty stalls next to you…Boo!

  25. scrubbie said

    I was one of the “I literally escape work early” ovaries, i got into the 4pm movie, ’cause my friend (college teacher)was waiting on the theater line since 1pm,so we can get to see the movie. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE, Tweens everywhere were screaming like it was Barney’s singing…so my friend and I were like “OMG, remember Titanic and the whole Leo and how crazy chicks were”..and then we realized that at least 75% of the chicks in the theater were like 3-4 years when titanic& Leo (pre-bloating) was causing similar orgasms..Fuck, I feel like an old really old fag…and then when the jailbait Jacob, appeared on screen, it was like an jizz explotion, shit, my friend started screaming and i lost it, literally, i was like screaming with the tweens and then I said OUT LOUD:TayTay, I’ll be in jail for you!!..the movie is fucking cheesy, RPattz is so asexual that I don’t understand how Kristen is hitting it, he looks like a puppy humping chairs…hehhehe, Kristen is awesome, she totally want it

  26. Momma T said

    Good Stuff!

  27. dmtl said

    Yeah, five seconds after submitting my comment I realised I should just take Edward´s advice and google it. So I ended up in Wikipedia anyways.

    Thank you,though, for answering my question, HeyyyBrother.

  28. dmtl said

    By the way, the comment above (I´m guessing it´s above this one) should be in reply to,like, maybe the 35th comment, not down here. I don´t know why WordPress is mocking me.

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