The First Chapter of What Could Have Been the Greatest Novel Ever

November 26, 2009

This is the opening chapter of the book that I posted a random chapter of last Friday. I will also post a random chapter tomorrow. I thought I should at least post the first chapter sooner than later. It is a short chapter. Shorter than the other chapter and filled with less horror sex like the last one. To fill the void in your holidays here is the first chapter. Sorry it isn’t longer, that’s what she said.

Hmmm… I’ll also add in a music video to make this post feel longer. I like Lady Gaga. I like Francis Lawrence. And guess what? They made a video together. “Bad Romance” is the first single as far as I know from Lady Gaga’s new album “Fame Monster”. And you read that correctly, I do like Lady Gaga. She looks great in this video. The video and the song reminds me a lot of Annie Lennox and Madonna. I do have to say that I admit I am playing to my crowd a bit. I’m not posting videos of bands like The Chariott which I like as well (namely the song “Teach”). So I’ll stick to the dance/pop songs for this website.

If you do feel so inclined to hear more Lady Gaga or feel like memorizing things I prophesize and checking if they come true, the song “Teeth” by Lady Gaga is going to be huge.


10:33am – Wednesday

My name is Benjamin Calthase and I am a 24 year old graduate of a small liberal arts university you have never heard of with a BA in Sociology and a minor in Computer Engineering. I am 6 foot 2 and 200 pounds. I am white, I have sandy blonde hair, green eyes, I am out of shape and I have begun to question the decisions in my life that have led me to this present failure where I currently reside.

My dignity aside, I am wearing a white t-shirt splattered with condiment stains, basketball shorts I’ve never played basketball in and a pair of knee high white tube socks. I am watering my driveway. Technically it is not my driveway. It is my parents’ driveway. I have a garden hose in my right hand and I am slowly turning like a sprinkler soaking my parents’ new paved driveway. Unless this is a practical joke that my parents have pulled on me, you need to water a new paved driveway. It might be because it is the middle of summer and 90+ degrees with even more humidity here in residential suburban New Jersey. I didn’t bother to ask why I needed to water the driveway because it was not like I could say no.

I am unemployed and spend my days playing Call of Duty, jerking off, eating fast food, jerking off, watching my dog, downloading porn for tomorrow and wondering when God will grant/bestow upon me one of the jobs I randomly apply to online. Alluring subjects like “Entry-level” and “No experience required”, how could I not send them my pencil thin resume and a half-assed cover letter feigning all the excitement one could have for a data entry position at a non-profit for barely above minimum wage.

I’m sweating it is so hot. I’m just standing here watching the hose spew out gallon after gallon of clean water onto this hot black asphalt driveway. All I can think about are the poor Africans that we, Americans, are always so concerned about. Each and every one of those poor bastards dying in a genocide, dying from diseases, all dying from not having clean water and here I am in New Jersey standing here just hosing down this inanimate mass that I park my car on with the very same water that could save all their lives. That whole continent is just dying. Always dying.

Just imagine someone in some distant country taking all the edible food that one would need to keep them alive and taking that food and spreading it all over the ground and then running it all over with their car. I feel shitty about this. It is such a waste.

I’m hungry…

I don’t feel like making anything. I think I’ll just order a pizza. I should order it as soon as I finish this watering. You know what? I think I’ll download some of those porn videos where there is a pizza delivery guy and he sticks his dick through a hole in the bottom of the box and the half-naked fake boobed housewife or a freshman sorority chick he delivers it to opens the box and says something about wanting his big sausage. That will be a good theme for the day: eat a pizza then jerkoff to porn videos with pizza in it. I need to think of something to identify today from every other day or I won’t have any frame of reference. All these days bleed into each other and they never end.

Those poor Africans. All this water could be theirs. All this clean cold water for a lifeless slab of road for my parents to put their cars on.

Oh yeah, I live with my parents. Pathetic.


Happy Thanksgiving.

14 Responses to “The First Chapter of What Could Have Been the Greatest Novel Ever”

  1. aneira said

    i hope we can all put up with our families. god knows i cant. loud obnoxious and critical. every conversation ends in an argument and we feel the need to make each other feel like crap. not that we belittle each other, we are just all terrible people incapable of actually loving so we substitute love for second best. we are together for the sake of not being alone as opposed to enjoying each others company. hopefully ill be in a better mood tomorrow.

  2. Lala said

    Awesome as always, Jordan. Yeah, and why didn’t you finish the book?!

  3. Excellent. Looking forward to tomorrow’s chapter.

    Happy Thanksgiving. I already gave my corny “I’m thankful for you” speech yesterday, so today we’ll leave it at “I’m thankful for wine and it’s magical ability to help me through family gatherings.” Hope yours was good.

  4. dmtl said


    This is my third attempt at a comment. Stupid WordPress didn´t want to submit the first two because it is a bitch.

    I refuse to write word by word a very long comment for the third time, so here´s the general idea: really good first chapter, very detailed which I like; what is it that you do that involves suits, inspiration for this and gives you time to watch Twilight and write 2000+ words of comedic gold daily; Lady Gaga sucks, Madonna really sucks, just hearing josh scogin sing makes my throat hurt and I have long ago given up trying to memorize the names of other band members since they keep changing.

    Can´t wait to read tomorrow´s chapter. Hope you have a good holiday.

    If WordfuckingPress screws this one, I´m giving up.

  5. Crystal said

    I’m sleepy. Seriously, why did I eat so much? Oh yeah…it’s thanksgiving and I’m just supposed to.

    Loved the chapter; it was way too short though. As I sit here at a friends house trying to be friendly when all I want to do is go home and take my jeans and bra off. The jeans fit this morning and now they don’t. How odd.

    I don’t like Lady Gaga, give me some 30 Seconds To Mars please. I like a select amount of pop music but really…not Lady Gaga. But you can’t please me all the time KSWI Jordan*.

    Happi Thanksgiving.

  6. cledbo said

    I like Lady GaGa too. I like that she used to be a burlesque dancer, and the way she always talks like she’s tripping on some really goooood acid.

    Liked the chapter, too; a nice set up, especially considering you told us what the rest of the (unfinished) novel is about. Ninjas, yay!
    I am similarly horrified by the image of Fake-You hosing a driveway with clean water, seeing as we’re in the midst of an extremely major drought down here, and have been on water restrictions about as long as Pluto hasn’t been a planet. I can’t even wash my car, let alone my driveway!

    I don’t get to be thankful today, I get to be stuck at work trying to secure a rental house in another state. Total Pain In The Ass.

    Looking forward to tomorrow, hope your food hangovers aren’t too bad kids!

  7. Oh my god loved reading your blogpost. I added your feed to my google reader.

  8. Potentially great – only criticism would be to let your style flow a little bit more freely. Try not to overthink the “chapter” format, don’t let it trap your instincts. Your sentence construction is consistently brilliant on the blog entries and it loses itself itself a bit in this, at times sounding more like a film voice-over (think difference between Fight Club film and novel).

    Also, remember every narrative needs a place to go, every character needs a drive (much as real life people), a reason to say things, behave in such ways, make certain choices… Be careful not to lose yourself simply narrating thought after thought, step after step – where is this guy going and why is he going that way? Make him compelling instead of simply a person you’d love to hang out with. Make him a person -everyone- wants to hang out with (much as your real life persona). The point that “life is pointless” is made everyday in front of our faces, you don’t need that. What is HIS point? You have figured yourself out, that is way harder… you can make him be anything, make him think anything, how freeing is that? And you’re the best thing that non-fiction has seen in years (not just on the internet), so you are totally up for this job.

    Twilight was a disgusting fad. You’re pretty much single-handedly redeeming it. The whole world is obsessed with Twilight, but you made it ressonate in an entire different voice. You gave it purpose, even if through sarcasm. Imagine the possibilities when you’ve got control of your own characters… let it flow.

  9. tiffanized said

    I didn’t even notice you posted yesterday. Blog groupie fail.

    I didn’t care much for the protagonist when you posted the other chapter, because he didn’t have anything nice to say. I suppose he didn’t have much nice to say in this one either, but he does express a social conscience, which is a redeeming quality. I have to like the protagonist. The writing was above par in both chapters.

    I like Lady Gaga despite myself. She is deliberately bizarre, her whole life a performance. I also have “Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick” on a constant loop in my head.

  10. TDawn said

    Thanks for the song. I like it, definitely something to dance to. I caught the post on my way out yesterday. I enjoyed having “…gagaOHlalaAH…” in my head to keep me company for the 2hr drive to dinner. I hadn’t realized how pretty she is under all the make-up and costumes.

    Thanks for the chapter post.

  11. 866 Toll said

    Howdy, I come across this site by mistake when I was searching on Google then I came upon your web site. I have to say your website is very cool I like your theme! Currently possess much time at the moment to go through your website web sitebut I bookmarked it. I will be back in a day or two. Thanks for a great site.

  12. MLF said

    dude. so I read this chapter AFTER I read the wolves chapter because I was too busy yesterday eating and being thankful or whatever to go online. but wow. I love this chapter as well.

    I’m serious about the book thing. Make it happen. I will buy it. and I’ll even force other’s to buy it as well. Should others have an apostrophe? I don’t really know. and I’m on break from school so I’m not looking it up.

    Fuck. I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be there. oh well. I’m leaving it. It adds character.

  13. Sharpe said

    We are a group of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community. Your blog provided us valuable information to work on.You have done a marvellous job!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: