Unofficially this is part III of you all ruining my Christmas Vacation. Let me wrap up that series of thoughts:

Up in the Air

I really enjoyed the movie. It was great. I am continuing in my part fandom part hatred for the director Jason Reitman. He also directed Thank You For Smoking and Juno. Did I like those movies? Yep. I liked them a lot and have rewatched them both several times. I recommend all three of these movies to people who want to see a solid movie. So why the hate? Because Jason is making those movies and not me. What the fuck, bro!?! Do you know how badly I want to make a delicate scene that is both sad and romantic and have Elliott Smith playing in the background? So badly! So motherfucking badly! Why? Because Elliott Smith’s music is delicate and both sad and romantic. And George Clooney is in the scene too! Come on, dude. It just isn’t fair. I really like Jason’s style and I’m jealous of him. Hopefully, one day in the near future Jason and I will have a battle to the death with medieval swords ala Highlander where one of us can only defeat the other by decapitation and when that is achieved the one that survives is given the other’s powers. There can be only one, Jason! Fingers crossed this is what 2010 has in store for me.

George is great in the movie. Graying on the sides, but still a sex symbol for all ages. And his two female co-stars are great as well. I’m a big fan of Anna Kendrick. I have mentioned how much I like her in Rocket Science on several occasions. She gives a good performance in this as well. And then Vera. Vera who I so wrongly thought was Patricia Arquette for many of the times I watched the trailer. No one ever corrected me when I said it was Patricia Arquette. Probably because no one knew who Vera was and also had no clue who I was talking about because all they could remember was George Cloons. Vera does a great job. Especially, the one tracking shot. I think we all know what I’m talking about … if you’ve seen the movie. There is a tracking shot of Vera from behind as she walks into a hotel bedroom – NEKKID!

Vera is wearing an apron and the rest of her is wearing our heat she must feel from every set of eyes languishing over every inch of her naked body. So I thank you, Vera for that. I thank you, Jason Reitman for that shot. I thank you, God most of all who created man who created film and with that narrative film and with that created a couple in New Jersey who would give birth to Vera and another couple somewhere that gives birth to Jason and led lives to arrive at that moment and the life for Jason was that of bravery and boldness in being able to have the balls to say “I want you fully naked for this shot and an apron” and the life of Vera who kept herself in remarkably great shape especially her ass.

As for the vampires? Vera could’ve been a vampire. The movie wouldn’t have to change much. Instead of her turning out to be what she turns out to be, she could turn out to be a vampire.

Sherlock Holmes

I liked it. It was better than I was expecting. I was not expecting much. I was glad that it was more about the case and so forth than a love story. There was a love story, but not much of one. It is still a lot like Pirates, but less of a love story and a darker over all story.

Vampires? Well Lord Blackwood easily could’ve turned out to be a vampire. I was sitting there in the movie actively trying to guess the outcome of the movie. I had three possible answers:

1. Science. Everything is explained with random ass science.

2. Twin. Lord Blackwood has an identical twin brother.

3. Vampires. Obviously.

New Year’s Eve

I do detest NYE. I hate holidays or time of the year where I’m being pushed to have the craziest night of my year. Also I hate events where people who don’t typically drink decide to get shit face wasted because of the day of the year. Hate might be a strong word. I am thoroughly irritated by it. I need Neosporin rubbed all over my irritations. So what are my plans? Pretty nothing right now. Some friends, maybe NYC, maybe some bar, maybe some random party. Who knows? I feel old that my number one concern is how much it will suck to take the PATH back to Jersey City that night and that it is supposed to be raining/wintry mixing. It’s cold outside! This old man cannot take this cold! It is so cold there is a high probability I am buying a scarf today. A scarf! I don’t own and never have owned a scarf, but it could happen today.

I think about the saying that you spend New Year’s Eve like you spent the previous New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t make any sense because that means you never make any improvements in life. I think the saying is implying if you are single then you stay single so you need to get your ass in gear and during the other 364 you need to find someone to spend this shit holiday with. I think about that saying a lot for whatever reason probably because I am single and have been for awhile.

But outside of being single, my New Year’s Eve rituals have been different – I’ve done the all you can drink open bars, I have done the small party of close friends, I’ve given up on New Year’s Eve and watched the Japanese New Year’s Eve fights that are on pay per view and last year I went to see My Morning Jacket at Madison Square Garden for New Year’s. Apparently, I got shit bomb wasted. Apparently, I figured out how to get around only ordering two drinks at once. Apparently, if you go in the beer line and buy two beers and put them in the interior pockets of your jacket and then get into the mixed drink line for Jack and cokes – no one notices. Apparently, I got so drunk I punched a metal bar and broke part of my hand. Apparently, I ran off the PATH train in a dead sprint through Hoboken screaming “they’re touching me”. Apparently.

Kristen Stewart Wants IT

She does.

I am glad that I made this site. I have had fun writing this and have had the fortune of someone reading it. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing some of these posts like the Charles de Gaulle one, the Hannibal one, second by second Jumper cameo one, KSWI Jordan interviews Kristen Stewart one, and most recently the Kristen Stewart edition posts. I have had a lot of fun talking about really whatever I feel like and finding approval in it from you the readers. Oh you the readers. I do love “you the readers”. If it wasn’t for you the readers this site would not exist because a man needs constant approval. 2009 will be a memorable year for me for a lot of reasons, but nothing will compare to the second half of this year. The first half had some really high moments and some really low moments, but this second half with KSWI beats it by a long shot.

Your comments which I read everyone and wish there were even more. Your emails which I also read and respond to and wish there were more of. The newly minted Facebook group which I check way too often to see if anyone else has joined, thank you to those who have and of course I wish for even more. I’ve really had a fun time getting to know you all in whichever way I have.

Originally, I was expecting this site to devolve into a Twitter account or something similar. I was expecting that you the readers would want pictures more than words. I was expecting I could just keep taking Kristen Stewart pictures and write simply “She wants it” and send that to people via Twitter or post them on the site. It’s been a lot more work this way where I’m forced to write and write, but it’s been fun. So thank you, you the readers for reading this each and every day.

Today is my last post for 2009! Which means! You’ll have to wait until 2010! aka Monday! for a new post…

I hope everyone has had a great holiday season. I hope everyone has a great New Year’s Eve. I hope everyone has a great New Year’s day. I hope everyone has a great New Year. And with that…

This chick, Kristen Stewart, wants IT.

Kristen Stewart’s got a secret. She wants it.

Kristen Stewart still wants it even when hassled by a crazy woman to take a picture giving peace signs probably for her kids.

And… good bye 2009…

KRISTEN STEWART MOTHERFUCKING WANTS IT!

She wants it. She really does.

And she knows it. We all know it.

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I don’t know which I’m more hungover from: the food or the booze from last night. Obviously the booze, but the food is not helping anyone right now. I feel like my stomach is trying to digest an economy sized rental car. And the booze is perfectly marinating the food with my stomach acid. As arbitrary as “last Monday Night Football game of the year/season/decade” sounds – it really is that arbitrary. Nevertheless, Dawgz and I treated it as a national holiday. Thankfully, I did not have work today because I would have missed it. There is no way I would have been able to get up at 7am. I was still real drunk well into 4am, so 7 wasn’t happening. I’m amazed that before noon happened, but there was so much guilt knocking at my door. He needed a ride. That’s what she said.

Brett Favre did not lose that football game last night. His offensive line, Adrian Peterson, and the Vikings defense lost that game. Peterson obviously lost it by losing the ball which was turned into the game ending points.

But I digress…

I saw some movies last week outside of Avatar. I saw (500) Days of Summer, Sherlock Holmes and Up In The Air. These three films are quite the rarity nowadays. They share one thing in common that nearly every other movie that has been made recently does not share. There are no vampires in these movies. That’s right, NO VAMPIRES!

No day walking vampires. No shimmering vampires. No high school vampires. No assistants to vampires. No government vampires. No TV drama vampires. NO VAMPIRES AT ALL!

It is very surprising to watch a new movie and find no vampires in them, since nearly every other movie has a vampire or some form of blood sucking undead monster. Because of all these vampires infiltrating all the movies I watch, have watched and will watch – I’ve become accustomed to thinking “when is the vampire going to show up?” I fully expect at any and all points any number of main characters could become or have been previously a VAMPIRE.

Naturally I think most people are constantly guessing in their head what the end of the movie will be as they are watching the movie. You are actively trying to figure out the puzzle before you. And with that, I am deducing who is a vampire in all movies no matter what. So, here are my reviews for the three mentioned movies, who I was expecting to be a vampire and how that would affect the movie. Today I’m going to just talk about (500) Days of Summer to drag out this idea for another day.

(500) Days of Summer

Really enjoyed this one. It is a great romantic/comedy for this indie rock generation I am vintage handcuffed to. The movie itself is a visual feast. Marc Webb I think is the director. He was a music video director and he brings that style to the movie. The story is simple and not even fully detailed, but Webb does an excellent job selling you this movie with clever sequences and a great soundtrack.

Zooey Deschanel continues to be the Prom Queen of the Indie Rock filmfile. She is brazenly cute and adorable with enough sex and danger mixed in. Webb did a great job color coding this movie blue to highlight Zooey’s blue eyes and they are mesmerizing.

As for Joseph Gordon Levitt, I didn’t like him too much before this movie, but I like him now. Another movie that was actively sold to the indie kids was Brick. I did not like Brick. I did not like it one bit. The rest of JoGoLe or JosGorLev’s recent dramatic acting I have not cared for. I really was beginning to wonder greatly about why this kid was in this many movies. He was inching his way towards Shia LaBeouf status in both saturation and me hating him. He’s great in this movie though. JosGorLev is really quite great as a leading man in this movie.

So I see the debate of who should play Ben from my “unreleased unfinished greatest novel ever” has stalled on the guy from Chuck. Not a bad choice I suppose. I don’t recall anything I’ve seen of his outside of Chuck. I’m not sure how much I see him being a darker, depraved character who could carry scenes that involve him killing people and then other scenes where he is trying to jerk off in his office’s public bathroom during work. One person who has recently peeked my interest is… you guessed it… JosGorLev.

JosGorLev is also Leonardo DiCaprio’s right hand man in Inception by Christopher Nolan. If Nolan likes him then I like him. That’s how I feel about Nolan. I think Levitt could pull off both types of scenes and looks like a guy who is an office drone who wants something more. My main problem right now with Joseph Gordon Levitt is that he is not tall enough. I’m sure he feels the same way. He is an undersized man. I don’t know how well that would translate in the office Fight Club style tournaments in the book.

As for the vampires?

At all points, I was expecting Zooey Deschanel was a vampire. That’s the big twist. The movie begins saying it is not a romance story where they end up together. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and he is forced to kill her for the good of the Los Angeles community! Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and joins her! This is not a love story because it is a VAMPIRE STORY. Maybe Joseph just breaks up with Zooey because she is a vampire and he can’t date vampires. That’s a rather blah one. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire when she murders all of the needless side characters in this movie! Yes! Kill them! KILL ESPECIALLY THIS ONE –

KILL THIS MAN! Not only in the movie, but in real life as well. GET HIM VAMPIRE ZOOEY! GET HIM WHILE HE SLEEPS! Do you know why? Do you know who this man is? Do you know what he is tied to in holy matrimony?

THIS! THIS AND THAT! ARE TOGETHER!?! AHHHHHHHH

seriously…

Seriously…

Seriously!..

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!

I’m too hung over to deal with this. It is disturbing enough sober. It makes me so angry.

Yes, I am on Christmas vacation. Yes, I am not doing anything “special” for it. Yes, that means I really have no good excuse why I can’t write a post. Yes, I really wanted to sleep until noon. Yes, it was because I thought I HAD to write something before the clock strikes 1 for all you readers. I am guilt ridden. I am ridden by guilt. There is a bi-pedal creature named Guilt and I am his steed. I don’t run around on all fours. Guilt takes a seat on my shoulders I carry him around like a small child at a parade. He does wear a cowboy hat to compete the “rider” and “ridden” scenario. So yeah, Guilt is riding me and riding me hard – That’s what she said.

I have a picture in my head of sad faces at work with big doe eyes looking for a new post on KSWI. The site has not updated. Why has it not updated? It is Monday after all! Where is that guy? We need to get him and make him write something for us! Oh wait, we know his name! Jordan! And we know what he looks like! Thank you Facebook! And what city he lives in… so you all eventual form the murderous horde that we’ve all been passively expecting and you come and kill myself and Dawgz my unfortunate roommate. He is asleep right now. Damn him and his lack of guilt riders.

I have another picture in my head. It is of computer monitors with their orange light lit signifying that the computer they are attached to is indeed off. These computers and keyboards and mice are collecting dust. They are not being used because their inhabitants are not at work, but on vacation as well. And these users of these dust-puters are in fact on vacation as well as I, but they are on a real “vacation”. They are tanning in Barbados or climbing through the jungles of Peru or floating in the salty water of the Dead Sea. They have no care for blogs or posts or comments. They are out in the “real” and they do not care about forming a murderous horde because they have completely detached themselves from this website. They will return at some point a week from now and wait for new posts. They will disregard anything that I have typed here as not worthy since it is from an archaic time period known as 2-0-0-9. Who would bother reading a blog post from last decade? Seriously.

I’m caught in the middle of those two worlds. I believe that there are some stuck at work reading this because they are the unlikely few who did not get a vacation. And then at the same time, I believe I’m technically writing to no one more than I usually am. So what is there to talk about, self?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won which was good. I won my Fantasy Football league which was good. Although the Steelers winning doesn’t mean they will necessarily get into the playoffs which is bad. And no one collected any money for my Fantasy Football league at the beginning of the season so I don’t actually “win” anything which is bad. What the fuck!

As for Christmas, it was pretty good. A lot of clothes, a couple DVDs or to be more accurate Blu-Rays, two books, and other small trinkets. And my family, well their campaign for me to rid myself of them once and for all had been plateauing for many years. They had no new tricks that dealt any great damage. But that was until Christmas when they decided to give each other Snuggies. Yes, Snuggies. There are two of them! Two of them at my childhood home! Like a plague of lies is infesting my house. Who are these people!?! What have you done with my family?

Two Snuggies were purchased. Neither for me thankfully. If one was purchased for me, I would’ve burned the house down. Not necessarily with them in it, but that house would’ve felt the tickle of flames all over every inch of it. That damn house that harbors Snuggie-havers! Snuggie-Purchasers! I blame Macys because Macys carries them in their stores nowadays, but my family is to blame definitely. I am not sure if it is more or less depressing that they don’t even use them like Snuggies. They just use them like blankets. A blanket that randomly has sleeves hanging down.

Their improper use of the Snuggies prompted this paraphrased conversation:

KSWI Jordan – You’re not using the Snuggie correctly. You’re just using it like a blanket.

KSWI Jordan’s Mom – Well I just want a blanket.

KSWI Jordan – Then why didn’t you just buy a blanket?

KSWI Jordan’s Mom – We own tons of blankets. Why would I buy another blanket?

KSWI Jordan – I have made a grave error calling you my “loved ones”. I will return to my Jersey City chateau a new man with no family and no history. My last name will not signify this family’s lineage, but it will be the start of a new family with a new future. A family with Snuggies has no future.

KSWI Jordan’s Mom – I bought them as a joke.

Really!?! Really!?! A joke! Do you donate money to Neo-Nazi organizations as a joke!?! Do you wear “I heart the KKK” t-shirts as a joke!?! Do you vote Republican as a joke!?! Seriously, you just don’t joke around with these things. You don’t help the makers of Snuggie continuing making Snuggie like products. These people are evil people and you should not give them anymore money than the millions they have already stolen from this great nation of ours.

Hmmmm… I saw Avatar in 3D.

It was good. The action was fun. The explosions were fun. The storyline was well worn territory. It won’t change how we watch movies forever and it did not live up to the hype of being the greatest whatever that they claimed it to be, but I enjoyed it. That’s all I was expecting. I also got to see three gay Indian men get bitched out by a middle age black man. That was not apart of the movie nor will it be something you can experience if you go and see it. It was entertaining for me though. I was on the black guy’s side. The gay guys were saving a seat for a friend and the friend was nowhere to be seen. The black guy wanted to sit next to his wife while he watched 3 hours of alien jungle violence while wearing magical plastic horned rim glasses. They did move over and allow the guy to sit next to his wife. It wasn’t like they had much choice. They weren’t going to put up much of a fight against him. They weren’t lying about their friend though. He did show up about two hours into the movie. Luckily for him the movie is so damn long he got to see a good chunk of 3D stuff.

The movie was missing something though.

Kristen Stewart.

I called James Cameron with my shoe and asked him if he could send me a mock up of what America’s sweetheart Kristen Stewart would look like as a Na’vi. I think it works.

I think I wrote before what I would like to see with Avatar and Kristen Stewart in it. I can’t remember, but I think it is similar if not exactly what I’m about to write. Either way.

If I was forced to do the rewrite of Avatar, I would change the film quite dramatically. First, I would add Kristen Stewart. She would be a scientist as well, why not? Sigourney Weaver is a scientist. Kristen Stewart is a scientist and she also has a big blue ape like avatar. Each avatar has a special mutant skill that develops from the synthesizing of human DNA and the Na’vi DNA. Sigourney Weaver can fly, Sam Worthington is super strong, the other guy is super stretchy or can hold his breath or whatever. Who cares about that guy? Kristen Stewart’s special power is remained hidden.

Sam asks Sigourney and the other randoms about Kristen’s power when she isn’t around. They all hush up and act like the film crew in Twister when a T5 is brought up. We do not talk about a T5! It is shrouded in mystery. At some point, Sam gets a moment alone with Kristen and she has no memory of her power. They say she blacked out and she can only remember faint moments. She remembers screams, a white light, an intense heat, but she has no burn marks or permanent damage. Sam secretly tries to help her with her memory and harnessing her power when no one is around and when he isn’t having blue ape sex with Zoe Saldana’s character.

The rest of the movie can be the same for the most part. Evil empire tries to take over Pandora. I would probably make the evil empire troops a lot more ethnic and un-American, but that’s just me. They would probably be really Italian. Always eating spaghetti and meatballs and waving Italian flags and pretending they weren’t the bad guys in World War II. The bad guys try and take over the planet, Sam is having blue ape orgies, and Kristen wants it in and out of her avatar. The movie will continue up until the battle scene.

The fight goes mostly the same. The Na’vi kick some ass, the Na’vi get their asses kicked – back and forth. Instead of Sam riding a deius ex machina dragon or the animals showing up to save them something else happens. With her friends dying all around her, Kristen starts to have a breakdown. She is crying and depressed. I’m sure she will be good in this scene considering it was about half of the New Moon movie, her in the woods feeling shitty. Then when she is about to get killed by one of those metal armor suits with guns – she sees a flash.

It’s her memory. She remembers what her power is. She at one time was in a similar situation about to be killed by maybe a wild animal or something. This indescribable power came over her. This heat. This force. And she remembers how to use it. Like Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport remember his teachings of how to fight with a blind fold on when he gets sand thrown into his eyes during the final round of the Kumite. Kristen knows what to do!

The bad guy rears back his blade and is about to slice through Kristen, she has a moment of resolve:

Bad guy – You’re going to get it now, bitch!

Kristen Stewart – I want it.

BOOM! A white light inferno explodes from her eyes and mouth and torch the bad guy blow him up into smithereens. It destroys everything in its path! I cuts a hole right through the big space shuttle carrying the bomb and kills all the bad guys in the choppers. Kristen Stewart’s want is like Gohan’s kamehameha!

She then uses her want beam like a big eraser and just obliterates the hundreds of spaghetti eating troops and metal robots. She fucking kills them all! Sam is the only one who can calm her down. So he has to fly through the fire and heat and so forth and gets to her. He finally gets to her and says the safe word of “pumpernickel” and she collapse. Everything just stops like he turned off a light switch. Then the movie can end like it does in the theaters with the dancing and the big tree and whatever.

Just a thought James Cameron. Just a thought.

Action lines.

Do you know what isn’t easy to use? MS-Paint. Do you know what isn’t even easier to use? The Mac equivalent “paintbrush”. Do you know what is horrendous uneasy to use even more? That same Mac equivalent “paintbrush” couple with the laptop touch pad and not a mouse.

So I took this picture:

Oh fuck she wants it.  She wants it so fucking bad.

And I took that want and I made it festive.

Oh God it’s so Christmas-tastic! And she wants it so bad she has melted the snow of Jersey City.

So I give you that. I give you Kristen Stewart wanting it like the 4+ ton “little boy” atomic boy that was flown in the belly of the Enola Gay and she’s wearing a Santa hat. And there is a happy little tree in the corner as well.

I will also give you the gift of comedy today. I felt like the chapters from my book that probably will never be finished are not up beat enough for me to end on for the week. I will not be posting tomorrow or Friday. But I do not have much to choose from as far as anything that is Christmas related. The only other thing I have is some sketches I have written for a sketch comedy show idea Dawgz and I came up with based around Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. Or the show could be a sketch comedy show about the NFL hosted by Peyton. Either way, to only further the randomness of this blog. Here is a Peyton Manning sketch to bid you a Merry Christmas from me to all of you. Thank you for reading.

INT – Lobby – Day

Will Forte enters. Will is wearing street clothes and has a short script in hand.

There is a receptionist sitting at the far end of the room. Will walks to the receptionist. She smiles as he approaches.

Will Forte (WF) – Hello, I am Will Forte.

Receptionist (R) – Hello.

WF – I am here for the commercial audition. I think I’m a little early.

R – Oh, don’t worry about it. Other people have already shown up. Just follow the hallway around the corner and there is a room and some chairs. Take a seat and they should be with you shortly.

WF – Ok. Thank you.

Will follows the receptionist’s directions. He walks around the corner whistling to himself and enters the room the receptionist mentioned. There are a few chairs around the perimeter of the room and a door with a sign that reads “Commercial Auditions” written on a piece of paper stamped to the door. There is a second door that is marked “bathroom”.

Will looks around at the chairs and one chair has a script on it. He takes a seat a couple over from that chair. He is by himself just looking around when the sound of a toilet flushes.

The bathroom door opens.

It is Peyton Manning.

Will Forte is shocked. Peyton walks cocky and confidently over to the chair with the script on it. He picks up the script and sits down. He is looking over the script. Will is dumbfounded and completely awe struck.

After a few moments of Will staring at Peyton, Peyton notices.

Peyton Manning (PM) – What?

WF- You’re Peyton Manning.

PM – I know that.

WF – But you’re Peyton Manning. This is incredible! This is just incredible that you’re here!

PM – To me it ain’t.

WF – My name is Orville Wills Forte IV (actual name). People usually just call me ‘Will’.

Will sticks his hand out to shake hands with Peyton and Peyton reluctantly complies.

PM – Nice to meet ya Orville.

WF – I am a huge fan.

PM – Of course you are (under his breath, shaking his head because he has heard this a thousand times)

WF – You are truly an amazing player to watch. You are hands down the best quarterback in the NFL. The best of your generation. The way you-

PM – Here we go (under his breath)

WF – The way you call the plays at the line of scrimmage and the audibles. Wow! Your passing is so electric! And the touchdowns! All those touchdowns you throw!

PM – 366 (under his breath)

WF – It is just like (Will pantomimes throwing and receiving a touchdown) Wow. And that Superbowl!

PM – 2006 (under his breath)

WF – I was rooting for you the whole way. I love watching you play. I just can’t say anymore about how amazing you are.

PM – Really? I can. 9x Pro Bowl, 3x NFL MVP, Pro Bowl MVP, Super Bowl MVP and Indianapolis Colts all time leader in passing yards and passing touchdowns.

Peyton seems pleased with himself and then goes back to reading his script.

WF – Can I ask why you’re here?

PM – That’s a great question! That’s a great question, Orville! Why am I here? Why am I here at a commercial audition?

WF – Why are you here?

PM – Because those people in there are simply too stupid to acknowledge the fact that I’m this country’s finest commercial actor! I have proved that time and time again. Right!?! Are you paying attention?

WF – (flustered) Yes, yes I am.

PM – Listen here Orville, imagine you run a company and you want to make a series of humorous television commercials for that company. At this point, wouldn’t you immediately pick Peyton Manning as your spokesman for said commercials?

WF – I guess I would. Yes, yes I would.

PM – Damn right you would. You know, you’re smarter than you look.

Peyton in a huff goes back to reading his script. Will looks confused.

WF – So let me get this straight, you’re saying you’re here to audition for this commercial? The same commercial I’m here to audition for?

PM – Yes, that’s what I’m saying and right now you’re messing with me memorizing this script. Could you just stop with all this yapping? I need to focus. That comedic magic you see in all my other commercials is a lot of hard work and dedication. You wouldn’t know it, but comedy does not come easy.

WF – I do know. I am a comedian.

PM – Sure you are. Just sit over there –

They both hear the sound of receptionist’s door opening and some talking and someone else coming down the hall.

PM – (shaking his head mad) I recognize that voice. This can’t get any worse. I knew this day was going to get worse.

WF – What? Who is it?

Justin Timberlake comes from around the corner.

Justin Timberlake (JT) – Oh what’s up bitches?

Justin is very over the top and energetic. He is dressed like a rapper and is acting like one.

PM – Hey, Justin (not thrilled).

WF – Oh my God, Justin Timberlake!

JT – You know it!

Will stands up and sticks out his hand to shake with Justin.

WF – My name is Or-

Justin grabs him and pulls him close for a big bro hug.

JT – What? What? Get in for the real thing, suckah! JT at yo’ service.

Justin walks over to Peyton. Peyton reluctantly looks up and JT pretends to look sad. Peyton finally puts his hand out and JT gives it a series of crazy handshakes that Peyton is not a part of. JT jumps backwards into a seat.

WF – Mr. Timberlake, I am a huge fan. Your-

JT – Pey-dizzle what’s this guy’s problem?

PM – That’s Orville, he’s a huge fan of everybody.

JT – That’s cool. I bet you thought you would just coast in here and take another commercial job right out from under my nose-izzle.

PM – Kinda’. Listen, I’m just here to get another pay check on a national commercial.

JT – Not this time suckah. Because JT-Sizzle is here!

Justin jumps up and bursts into a quick dance/song. Will is loving it and is awe struck and by the end is clapping along.

PM – All flash and no substance.

JT – Why are you always hatin’ on me?

PM – Do you want to know why?

Peyton throws his script down.

PM – You stole the “Carlos’ Coffee” job from me when you knew it was mine!

JT – Not this again. When will you get over this!?! I didn’t steal it! How long ago-

PM – 2004! I was coming off my first NFL Most Valuable Player award season and foreign companies wanted me on as the face of their product representing America. So-

Justin is mimicking Peyton as if he has heard this story a thousand times before. Will is thoroughly confused, but riveted.

PM – So an international instant coffee company by the name of “Carlos’ Coffee” comes along and picks me, the starting quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts 12 years running, as that face of America. But two weeks before I go to shoot, I hear they have picked someone else.

WF – Who did they pick?

JT – Me. Listen I was in the middle of my second concert tour with Christina Aguilera for my 2002 studio album Justified. We had dates in Europe and Austrailia which just so happened to be the number one target areas for the “Carlos’ Coffee” franchise’s new line of commercials. So they switched from you to moi.

PM – You’re a liar. You know your agent-

JT – My agent never said-

The two of them start arguing and grow louder.

WF – QUIT IT!

Peyton and Justin stop and look surprised at Will.

WF – You both are mega stars and have had successful and eventful careers since 2004 and all without the help of “Carlos’ Coffee”. Can you agree to that?

They both nod sheepishly.

WF – Can you also agree that you both are very funny together on those Sony Bravia commercials?

They both smile and nod and look at each other.

WF – Can you shake on it?

They do.

WF – Whew. I’m glad that is settled. So can I just say-

The door in the lobby is heard opening again. You can hear the receptionist not getting a chance to say anything before the person stomps down the hallway and enters the room. They are all shocked.

It’s Tom Brady.

PM – Damn it!

Tom Brady (TB) – What a bunch of sorry faces in this room. Except for you buddy (to Will), what’s your name?

Will extends his hand to shake Tom’s.

WF – My name is-

Tom fist bumps Will.

TB – Good stuff.

Tom walks past Will and over to Peyton. Tom sees Peyton vainly pretending to read the script.

TB – Oh hey Peyton. Are you still trying to memorize the script right before the show is about to begin? That’s what it sounds like when you’re QB-ing as well. Boosch.

Tom sits down next to Justin. Justin doesn’t look thrilled to see Brady either.

PM – You know I run a very complicated offense, Tom. There is a lot for me to memorize. Where’s your script?

TB – It’s in my head. I don’t need to memorize plays. I just do it how I feel it. The Tom Brady way, all day, every day. It’s the only way. What’s up Justin?

Tom fist bumps Justin who unenthusiastically fist bumps back.

JT – Not much. Saw you didn’t show up to my record release party the other night.

TB – Oh right. Yeah, did I RSVP? I had an emergency-

JT – An emergency visit to see Jay Z? I saw you on TMZ coming out of his party!

WF – You know I saw that as well. I was watching TMZ last night and –

TB – Who is this guy?

JT – Orville.

PM – He’s a comedian of sorts.

TB – Of sorts? Peyton? What like puppets? Where’s your puppet, Orville? Where’s your puppet at man? Show me your puppet! (like a highschool bully)

WF – (a little scared) I don’t have a puppet. I don’t do puppets. I’m just a regular comedian.

TB – Alright alright, no need to cry.

JT – I think Peyton was just messing with you about “of sorts”.

TB – Peyton, what the hell? You Listen –

PM – No you listen –

Both of them start rambling off personal QB stats and in the midst of it, the audition door opens.

Audition Guy (AG) – Is everyone ready to audition to be the new face for “Tidy Cat” the nation’s leading seller in Kitty Litter.

They all stop and look attentative.

Cut to each of their auditions – the backdrop is a big poster for Tidy Cat

Peyton Manning:

Peyton is standing in the room with two of the casting people and a camera recording him. There is a Tidy Cat costume draped over a chair next to Peytong.

PM – I’m not putting that on. I’m not putting on that cat costume. Are you kidding me?

AG – Peyton –

PM – No, today it is Mr. Manning! People who disrespect me like this call me, Mr. Manning!

AG – Mr. Manning-

PM – I don’t even want to hear it. How can you put 50,000 passing yards in a cat costume!?! Come on. This is just stupid.

Will Forte:

Will is wearing the cat costume. He looks sad and awkward.

AG – You look fine, Will. Could you just read the lines?

WF – I don’t know. There are two Superbowl winning quarterbacks in the other room and maybe the entertainer of the decade, Justin Timberlake.

AG – Will you are very funny as well. Just read-

WF – I feel fat.

Justin Timberlake:

Justin is wearing the cat costume. He is singing and dancing. Most likely doing the running man.

JT – Tidy Cat, Your cat loves it, Tidy Cat, Your cat pees in it, Tidy Cat, Your cat dumps in it, Tidy Cat-

AG – This is not the song-

JT – I’m bringing sexy back, Tidy Cat!

Tom Brady:

TB – Nah, I’m not doing any of that. I have a commercial for you. Imagine me standing on a beach with my shirt off.

Tom rips open his shirt.

TB – There will be a fan blowing and me with my shirt off and then the women.

AG – The women?

TB – Tons of them. Sexy ones. They run to me because I have my shirt off and women do that. When I have my shirt off women just kind of attack me. So these women will be lusting on my body and just all over me.

AG – How many?

TB – A good dozen of them. Just the beach setting, fans blowing on me, women all over me and me with my shirt off. That’s a commercial. That can sell anything.

AG – What about the kitty litter?

TB – Sure throw some of that stuff in there! Me with my shirt off and the kitty litter sticking to my muscles from the sweat. And the women all over me.

AG – I like it.

ACTION LINES!

Merry Christmas!

Who would I want to play Ben? Who would I want to play the title character in the movie of the book that I never finished writing nor was sold to be published nor was written for screen? Who? Indeed. That is a good question. I had not really thought about it. I haven’t written anything new for the book idea in at least 7 months so it has been on the back burner of my crazy stove brain. Which by the way, if any of the burners on a stove are on – KEEP WATCHING THEM INTENTLY! Don’t turn your back on fire. That is a scornful temptress. Haven’t you seen Backdraft?

Ben is more or less an amorphous blob character. Sometimes when I write I completely give no thought to what the main character looks like and just write about his/her adventures. In my first attempt at writing a novel, I didn’t name the main character, describe what he looks like, nor did I name any other character in the book. I did describe what they look like, but I didn’t use any names. The main character was a depressed soul. He had a normal job and friends and family. But every night he tried to commit suicide, but it never worked. Overdose on pills, slit his wrists, hanging et cetera. Something somehow would save him. The book was split in several different areas: suicide attempts, daily life, dream sequences from drug overdoses.

Other times I focus entirely on the character’s name and what they look like. I wrote a horror/action/comedy screenplay called Jake Adams: The Monster Smasher. It was about a guy named Jake Adams who looks more or less like a professional wrestler. He lives in a small town in the midwest where a doorway to Hell has opened. Traditional horror movie villains like vampires, werewolves, Frankenstein’s monster, demons et cetera start to kill the residents in mass. The police force stumble upon Jake one night fighting off a werewolf with his bare hands. They decide to employ him. Now Jake fights the monsters for a living. I know there are a bunch of movies that have a similar premise to that, but mine is better. No doubt. Also it is funnier. No doubt. I also have outlines for two sequels where Jake hires more professional wrestler like men to join his monster smashing squad. Also it is a story about Jake dating in between smashing these monsters. Pretty much all the characters are based on some MMA fighter or another, like Josh Barnett as Jake Adams. And his love interest is Jenna Fischer.

But for Ben he is the former and I’m not sure what he looks like to be exactly truthful. I think he has brown hair. He should be somewhat average/nerdy looking. His wholesomeness needs to be buttressed with him becoming insanely sinister as the book continues. He transforms from a entry level office lacky to a post apocalyptic warlord king… pretty much.

As for today… a car crash(!). I guess the background story I need to say on this is that a littler earlier in the book a few terrorists with bombs strapped to their chests blew up one of the office buildings on the company campus. Not the building that Ben works in and he wasn’t in that building, but he was there. Enjoy.

**********************

7:55am Wednesday

Radio presets:

  1. Talk radio – Shock jocks giggling like a pair of school girls with their comedian friends tittering as well about post-op transsexuals. It is an odd form of comedy when one cannot hear the audience laughing, but only the person saying the joke laughing. They laugh too much as if to induce laughter from you as if making up the laughter that me in my car is supposedly doing. I’m not laughing. It is too early in the morning to laugh. At best I smirk, but not today. I’m too tired.
  2. Commercial rock radio – Sounds like U2. It probably is U2, but what U2 song is a better question. All their songs sound the same. This same moment of me sitting in my car switching to this station with this horrendous U2 blaring out could be replayed through the entire history of my life. They’ve been around just as long as I’ve been around and all their fucking songs sound the same. They were good on Joshua Tree. Were they? Were they really? All those songs sound the same too. Maybe they wrote two songs: Joshua Tree BC and Joshua Tree AD. And anyone with taste hates AD.
  3. College radio – It is amazing that radio even exists with the horrendous amount of horrendous radio DJs there are. These stupid mumbling stuttering kids will eventually be working for a big company like Viacom and they will take over for the over-the-top voiced Pez dispenser heads who DJ now. Yuck. Just play the fucking music already you cleft pallet speaking nerd!

I’ll listen to a CD. Heavy metal is tuned and ready. I turn the volume dial all the way up and feel the double bass drums shaking my legs. The lines in my rearview mirror are blurred and I bear down on the gas pedal. It was a stupid and reckless decision to equip a two ton hunk of steel that can hurls itself across the road at 100 miles per hour with a stereo that can power out grinding guitars and smashing drums.

I am almost at work. I’m not late. I’m actually really early. It is not about making it there for any particular reason other than I just fear being late. I only do this job for the money and I am paid by the hour so anytime I miss is cash out of my pocket. I would rather be punctual than penniless. I see my exit and take the right. I have a minute at most between me and the front gate. The “campus” is right off the exit and is realistically a very easy commute. I can’t comp-

BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I crash going 45 around the turn onto the road leading to the front gate. I’m less than two hundreds yards from the front gate now and I just was in a car wreck. I just crashed right into the back of their car. My head is sort of spinning. The music is still blaring. I reach out and turn it off. I feel like I was just tackled by a 700 pound man. The seatbelt feels like it is choking my body. I unhook it.

I immediately replay the crash in my head. I hit them. I must be at fault. I feel like my mind is underwater and trying to come up for a breath. I was coming off the highway and there is the intersection. You can either bear right and get on the road or stay to the left and stop at the stop light to make a left onto the road. There is a green light for us. The people on the road have a red. I didn’t see any cars when I came around that corner. Why was this car stopped there?

It happened so quickly. I got off the highway, turned and saw no cars, and then *bam* right into the car stopped at the ‘yield’ sign. I felt a rush right before I hit them. My eyes closed and I was going to hit them so hard that I would just pass right through them. I didn’t even really hit my brake. Maybe I wanted to hit them. Maybe.

I can see through all the smoke that the people in the other car are getting out. Amazingly they look completely fine. They look like some old couple.

I shake my head and get out of the car.

“Are you alright?”

I instinctively say it. I’m a good guy. I don’t really look at them when I say it though. I look at the front of my car which is now teepee-ed like a tent. The hood is like an equilateral triangle. The front fender is smashed and bent out at the sides. I look at the tires, they look fine. I’m actually surprised there is not more damage on my car. It looks terrible, but drive-able. I look at the old couple’s car.

I fucked their car.

I did not crash my car into their car; my car fucked their car. The back of their car is completely concave. The front of my car perfectly could slide right inside the inward “V” that is the trunk of their car. My car is like big black Lexington Steele’s cock all hopped up on amphetamines and Viagra and their car is like every Hungarian teen bent over in lingerie trying to make an American dollar. I’m almost proud.

My SUV decimated their puny hybrid sedan. It destroyed it. There are tiny particles of green tinged glass sprayed across two lanes of traffic from three of their windows that are completely shattered. One wheel was severely lacerated by the fender being chopped into it like a hatchet. Their car is a mess. There is no way they are driving that thing anywhere. Where are they going? Nowhere.

“Did you even see us? How could you do that?”

I just realized the old woman had been talking to me this whole time and I wasn’t paying attention. She is pissed, but talking in a condescending way as if her age means she can treat me like her kid. She is easily 60 and the guy looks around there too. They’re wearing wedding bands so I guess they’re married unless I ruined some old-timer’s day affair. She is still talking. I need to start listening.

“What?”

“Are you listening? I said, why were you going that fast?”

“Fast? That fast? I was going 45, the turnpike is 65. I slowed down 20 mph to make the turn off.”

“But you plowed right into us.”

“I know. I see that.”

“Listen here-

“Why was your car even sitting there?”

“What did you say?”

“It is a yield sign. That isn’t a stop sign. Why was your car even there at all?”

“We had to stop for the traffic.”

“What traffic? They’re still at a red light.”

I point to the “traffic”. All the cars are piled up sitting there at the light waiting and staring mouths agape at the free high entertainment action-drama.

“Look at them. You were the only car on the road at that time. There isn’t a single car here for two blocks. They’re all still sitting at the light! You stopped for no one, for no reason!”

“Don’t you yell at me!”

“Yeah, you can’t yell at my wife like that! There was a sign there!” The old man gets closer to me.

“Stay away from me old man! Sure there was a sign! It said YIELD on it! Do you need your old people’s glasses to see that! YIELD! It means to slow if there is a fucking car coming and let them pass! It doesn’t mean to indiscriminately stop when there isn’t a car for a hundred yards!”

“Well—

The light turns green and a minivan is first with a gawking soccer mom. I stare her down she keeps driving talking on her cell phone.

“Yeah, you keep driving and talking on your cell phone! I’ll take your license plate down and get you and your friend who should be cleaning her house in trouble with the cops!”

The woman drives off. A guy in a Miata slows with his convertible top down. I outstretch my arm and give him the most determined finger ever.

“Fuck you, pal and keep driving!”

I pass the finger along to every other car behind him. They start to beep at me, but their speed has picked up and no one is slowing to look at the asshole and the old folks anymore.

“I’m going to call the police.”

“What? Do you know what time it is? I don’t have time for the police.”

“Well why not?”

“Do you see how I’m dressed? Why else would a guy in his 20’s be dressed like this at 8 in the morning!?! I’m going to work.”

I point at the front gate.

“You two may be retired and have all day to argue, but I don’t. I would love to continue yelling at you that if you would have driven onto the road instead of SLAMMING ON YOUR BRAKES AT THE FIRST SIGHT OF A RED TRIANGLE then there wouldn’t have been a car accident… but I have to go sit behind a desk, stare at a computer monitor for 10 hours and FILE AWAY MY YOUTH!”

I’m huffing and puffing like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. I can feel the blood in my cheeks and I feel hot and almost faint. I think I may have popped a blood vessel in my eyes from all the yelling. The old people are talking to themselves. The old woman begins to start timidly.

“You work for that company?” She points, but not at the gate. She is pointing above the front lawn gates and hedges, more to the sky. I follow her finger and she is pointing at the cranes that are over the K-15 “site”. She is pointing at the construction crews cleaning up the rubble and mess of steel and the smoke rising from what is left of K-15 from the suicide bombing last week.

“Yeah, yes, I work for them.”

“Oh my dear. We read about that in the paper and saw it on the news. I can’t believe another terrorist attack happened and so close to the other ones. It is just terrible like a mini-9/11.”

“Were you there when it happened? Did you know anyone who died, son?” The old man is now calling me son.

“I was at work and yes I knew a few that died. I don’t know what this has to do-

“We understand you must be going through just a horrific time. You poor thing and you are still showing up for work. God bless you for your bravery. We were sorry we even troubled you.”

“My wife is right, that is very brave of you. They say that your generation doesn’t have a work ethic; I guess you proved them wrong didn’t you? You go on inside, we don’t want to keep you from your job. Don’t worry about us, we’ll call AAA.”

“Bye, now and remember you survived for a reason to carry on the spirits of those who have fallen in this tragedy.”

“Oh, ok.”

I thought I survived because I was in a completely different building than the one that blew up. Sure it was closer than most other people in the world, but it isn’t like my building would spontaneous blow up because the one two over blew up. I survived because K-15 was targeted by some douche bag with a Costco size load of C-4 strapped to his chest and I was faxing a health benefits package in K-1. Survived? It wasn’t like I was digging through the rubble. I barely knew those people. I knew them, but they were co-workers.

I think that old lady and man have tears in their eyes. I can’t believe they are letting me go. I mean she shouldn’t have had her car there, but I shouldn’t have driven through it. I wonder if I could pull this “I survived the K-15 terrorist attack” other places. Get a free donut at Starbucks. Maybe a free beer at Chili’s. Maybe a free case of beer if I go into detail. Would chicks want to bang a “survivor”? I know they like firemen who had marginal contact if any with 9/11, but what about someone who survived it and was working a desk job?

Maybe I am cynical.

I get back into my car and it starts. I drive it slowly into the front gate where I get some very odd stares from the rent-a-cop security guys. I park my car in the same spot as always and head inside. I get to the elevator only a couple minutes later than usual. One of the guys who works across the building in finance gets on. He gives me a double take. I’m sweating, my right eye is completely blood shot, my hair is a mess and I look like I’ve been wrestling.

“Looks like you’ve had a rough morning.” He smiles.

“I like it rough.” I smile back.

He has not talked to me since.

Tons of snow over the weekend. The news had predicted that we would get a lot of snow, but they seemed to underestimate it or at least the accounts I saw. So my reoccurring joke was that we were expecting 2 inches*, but we got 6 inches, that’s what she said. Or by the end of the night we had a whole foot of it and it was too much for us to handle, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Friday night

I saw Avatar in D D D or 3D or THREE DEE or in THE THIRD DIMENSION! Which meant I had to wear those stupid glasses. I am not used to wearing glasses or sunglasses. I probably should wear glasses because Lord knows my vision is no where near as good as it was 10 years ago. I probably should wear sunglasses because of blue eyes and fair skin and I heard that’s a bad combo for the sun blinding me eventually. Nevertheless, I go rogue and where none! So sitting in the theater wearing plastic 3D glasses for 3 hours was very annoying. I feel the need to constantly readjust my glasses every 5 seconds as if my nose cannot hold the glasses on my face.

The movie itself was great. The storyline is very obvious and I don’t think they are making it seem otherwise. In the extended trailers they pretty much show what happens from start to finish in chronological order no less. The movie is like Dances with Wolves or The Last Samurai with ALIENS! Which as we all know aliens were what both of those fines films were missing. The computer effects are unreal good. The motion capture of the acting of Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Wes Studi, Sigourney Weaver and so on are all amazing. Especially Zoe Saldana I thought. I really felt a fluidity in her character’s performance that at points looked like it was Zoe Saldana in blue make up instead of a computer animation.

The action was wild and fun. The colors, the detail, the whole world of Pandora was excellent. The 3D tricks were fun and almost constant. I would suggest seeing it in 3D if you get the chance solely because you won’t be able to watch it in 3D at your house most likely. The movie will look incredible on its own merits when it comes out on DVD and BluRay, but the 3D experience is just some trivial fun if you have the chance.

Saturday

Christmas shopping! I am a Jew or as you people should call me “Chosen One”, but I am also part heretic… I mean Christian. And who doesn’t like presents? No one. Nazis to pro-choice sluts all love presents. So I finished my present shopping on Saturday. I walked around the mall picking up stuff listening to a new CD I got which is wonderful, Bear in Heaven. If you like the band Liars or Animal Collective or Flaming Lips or Thom Yorke’s solo stuff and you like their darker sounding stuff the Bear in Heaven is for you and me together.

That night I went bowling for the first time in over a decade. I did ok. Not Obama bad, but ok. I could definitely do better and when I end up bowling again a decade from now I’ll make sure to try a little harder.

Sunday

I watched my Pittsburgh Steelers win a football game. It feels like forever since that has happened. This world is a “what have you done for me lately” world and “lately” they won me a Superbowl back in February as for “lately lately” they have brought shame and sorrow for 5 weeks. Yesterday, they put on a thriller with an unreal 4th quarter TD drive to win the game with no time left. Ben Roethlisberger also threw for over 500 yards which is impossibly great.

So that all leads to today. At the last minute, my yob decided that it was cool if I took off Monday – Wednesday which was nice of them. It would’ve been nicer if they told me that 3 weeks ago when I asked for it and then I could have made plans, but hey who is keeping that spite locked away in the back of their mind?

So, today you are getting another chapter from my book that will never been finished. I think the chapter is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll give a little background just in case you’re brains are not all filing cabinets for KSWI as they should be.

The main character, Ben, ends up getting a job for a very large pharmaceutical company. He works a shit boring job. After a few weeks of learning the landscape and starting to settle in, a terrorist attack is made on the company. For reasons unknown a group of terrorists (foreign? domestic?) has targeted this pharmaceutical company seemingly because of their business practices. They blow up one of the buildings where Ben works, but not the building he works in. They also assassinate the CEO. This sends the office environment into a tail spin and the place because militaristic. The belief is that instead of hiring an outside security firm to protect the offices. The company will instead train the existing staff in all forms of combat and weapons to prepare them to defend their own workspace. This leads to employees being trained in guns as well as being required to carry them.

This chapter focuses on the hand-to-hand combat training. It is a chapter from later in the book. The idea is that the company has been training them to fight. The different divisions inside the company have decided to start an interdepartment “fight club” as if it was a softball league. There are tournaments and office champions et cetera. One of the things I was playing with while writing the chapters I wrote was how quickly we digest madness and become accustomed to it. There are people blowing up the offices and shooting the fronts of the buildings so the staff begin carrying pistols on them and start firing back because it is now company policy. They are trained in martial arts then they might as well make a game out of it and start an office tournament.

Anyway, it is fairly short. But I think all told I’m still breaking my 2000 word mark.

Also, I have noticed the KSWI Facebook Fan Page has been growing ever steadily. Thank you for joining those that have and for those that haven’t – go to hell. And thank you to the Chicago native who set up the page. I’m sure she is buried from head to toe in snow. Shit gets cold there. Real cold. No joke cold. No joke like Randy Moss’ post game speech no joke cold.

Sorry no pictures today. I would suggest checking out Blake Lively’s pictures from WWTDD.com from I think Friday or Thursday. She is arguably wearing a strapless one piece bathing suit and high heels to a movie premiere. And God Bless Everyone for that!

****************************

Friday – 5:44 pm

Davis’ nose is broken.

At first they wouldn’t allow headbutts. There was a short discussion about what would happen in a real situation, what if the attacker tried to headbutt one of us. We are supposed to be training for real combat; we’re not training to be sport’s fighters. The next morning there was a mass email sent with the compelling proposal, “should we allow headbutts?”. There were two vote buttons at the top “yes” or “no”. It was unanimous: yes.

Davis was definitely winning the fight. He is a temp from the IT department. He only started a couple weeks ago, but I’ve seen him win at least two fights already. Both of them were brutal first round TKOs. He is 6’5” easy and somewhere around 240 pounds. I think he was brought in to be a ringer. He has a long reach and his punches shake you to the bone. He has very dangerous elbows. When you get in close to him he starts to swing them for you head like a sharpened sledge hammer. I would know too. My lip was busted and I have a knot on the back of my head from two of them.

The IT guys only made it into the quarterfinals in the last tournament and I think that really was a thorn in their side. The day after the announcement of the next tournament they started buzzing around asking questions about when a temporary hire is eligible to get into the rankings. It is a fair question and a smart move. HR has more temps and interns than they have cubicles or desks. They are trying to stack the deck thinking quantity over quality. The nerds in IT went the other route. Too bad for the headbutts because he was kicking my ass.

Back when we had rounds, I’m pretty sure I could have taken this guy a lot easier. I really was dragging my ass into the 7th minute; meanwhile he was rearing to go. I really could have used that rest and the water between rounds. I had seen Davis tear apart a tax attorney and an admin. assistant from accounting. They both stood with him and got drilled with hooks, elbows, and a couple of body kicks that would make a grown man cry.

I started out throwing a lot of big shots standing. Easy stuff I knew he would be able to block, so I could try to lull him into a false sense of security that I wanted to slug it out. Around the third minute, I went for my first shot. It was good and deep and I had one leg wrapped, but then he just leaned on me and leaned on me and leaned on me.

It wasn’t pretty, but it was effective. It felt like I was buried under sand. His chest and stomach on my back forcing me to the ground. My legs shaking trying not to snap like toothpicks under all that weight. We must’ve sat in that stalemate for two minutes that felt like two hours. I started to give and he shrugged me off. I was gassed at that point. I felt weak and he started pouring it on. I spent the next three minutes blocking and running. I would throw a combo in vain, but he would usually make me pay for it. I tried my best to clinch with him to buy me some time. The first attempt ended with a short elbow to the back of the head that shut my lights out for a second. I hit the floor and I was completely defenseless. The strangest thing happened: he didn’t finish me on the floor.

When I came to and saw him standing there still instead of pouncing on me and beating my brains in, I realized this guy is scared to death of the ground game. The ground might as well be molten lava. He didn’t want to risk a submission or God forbid I sweep him somehow. I was pretty much knocked out and he wouldn’t go to the ground. It gave me a chance to recover. I got up and I had some wind back in me, but then he caught me with another elbow, this time to the eye. I hit the ground again, but I wasn’t out. The crowd and especially the IT guys were getting restless. Davis didn’t want to go to the ground, but he knew he had to finish me. He was their big hired gun and I was the champ. This was their big chance to flip the tables. Davis was hesitant about going to the ground, so I met him halfway.

He ducked down like he was going into my open guard and I jumped up. I exploded towards him and crushed him on the bridge of the nose with top of my head. I could hear the crunch instantly, followed by that warm wetness. His blood thick in my hair. That weight again. He slumped on me and I tried to hold him up, but it was too much. We both fell to the floor. The red blood from his nose was everywhere and he was out. The Health Services people jumped all over Davis and began treating him. His eyes were both black before I even got back to my feet. Everyone was going nuts minus the IT people. They know the deal. Davis is done.

A broken nose means any shot to the face is going to be a 1000 times worse. Also anyone who saw this fight can see for sure his ground game is non-existent. If he won’t follow a near knocked out guy to the ground then he’ll be a sucker for any wrestler or submission guy. The IT guys know the score and they’re already planning for something else. Davis is a loss for them. I bet he doesn’t know anything about computers. I hadn’t seen him do a service call or even touch a laptop in the weeks he has been here. I would just see him in the gym hitting the bag and lifting weights. I bet his “temp contract” will mysteriously be up come Monday.

Come to think of it, I haven’t scanned or faxed anything in that same amount of time. I’ve seen the betting lines for the new tournament. There is too much riding on me repeating as champ for them to screw with my mood. I’ve heard talk of them transferring the cute redhead from treasury to our department. They want to keep me happy. They want to keep me relaxed.

Tournament starts next week. I’m top ranked. My skull is throbbing and there is still Davis’ blood under my fingernails as I’m driving home. A victory like today’s can only make the opposition that more afraid than they already are. I can’t wait until this weekend is over.

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