Ebert & Roeper Can Go Shove Their Thumbs Up Their Own Asses – Part I

December 1, 2009

It is December. This should be no shock to you. Unless you are a drunk and have no idea what the date is at any given moment. WELCOME TO DECEMBER YOU WINO! Not that every other month of the year isn’t jam packed with movies, but December is well known for having its fair share of movies. Also, it is cold in December or at least it is cold where I am in December which in my subjectivist point of view means that it is cold every where and with this cold people go to the movies. Also also, with this cold people get sick and still go to the movies. So the cold and the movies together means you will be sharing air and space with sick people who will try to get you sick.

That is what sick people do: they try to get you sick as well. They aim their sneezes and coughs at you. They laser guide their sneeze spit right at you and they create a cough fog that will encompass all your breathable air. So if you see a sick person watch out. They are gunning for you as a healthy person. Best piece of advice I can offer is to kneecap them with a crowbar before they get a chance to sneeze or cough on you and then run. Once their kneecap has been shattered with the metal crowbar then they will have no ability to give chase after you. Their immobility means you have limited their range to spread their disease and you are now safe as well as others. Perfect solution.

Now that New Moon is d-e-a-d, I thought I would be even more helpful than usual (outside of the free public kneecapping with crowbars advice, you’re welcome) by doing a rundown about most of the movies that are coming out in December. There are 18 movies in total that I will be reviewing, unless I counted wrong, so I will split this up into a two-parter post. This should not be a shock considering in the post title it says “part I”, but I did mention you could be winos so you would have needed the extra help figuring that out. PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN! Actually, KEEP DRINKING! MORE! I can only get funnier when you are drunk. THAT BOTTLE LOOKS ANYWHERE FROM FULL TO EMPTY SO OPEN UP A SECOND OR THIRD BOTTLE AND DRINK THOSE JUST TO BE SURE. Today I believe that winos have bad hearing apparently. Why all the caps?

I have not seen any of these movies, but I have seen their trailers and on top of that I am a severely judgmental person who believes he is always correct because I am. I will review each movie trailer on a scale of “Kristen Stewart wants IT” heads:

With a possible perfect score of 4 heads of Kristen Stewart wanting IT.

Good fucking God she wants it. Is there any other emotion that pops into your mind than “want” when you look into the eyes of that decapitated Kristen Stewart head? No. That chick wants it. This is not a joke people. Kristen Stewart motherfucking wants it. Shimmy shimmy-yah shimmy-yam shimmy-yay gimme me the mic so I can take it away – MOVIES!

Brothers

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=37439

Intense. Holy shit does this movie look intense. It looks way too intense. Just way too intense that I cannot even imagine seeing it. Honestly, the trailer freaks me the fuck out. It is simply too intense. You know there is going to be so much angry yelling and screaming. Oh God, I don’t want to see that. I feel like I’ll have to start going to therapy after I see this movie. Tell me what happened? They were just yelling so much! It was all happy and fine when Jake was helping out Natalie and we all thought Tobey was dead. Why couldn’t he have just stayed dead!?! Every second when he was back was just yelling and screaming and I can’t sleep because everything is just too intense. I like Jake Gyllenhaal, I like Tobey Maguire and if for whatever reason Natalie Portman asked me to cut my left arm off and in me doing so that ensure she would be with me for the rest of my life then I would start sharpening those hedge clippers real quick because I will now be known as Jordan “The One-Armed Bandit” …. who spends every waking moment with Natalie Portman. So how many heads?

Nevertheless, I can’t see this movie. It looks like they all will give really scary intense performances including the children, but I can’t see it. I’ll give it a generous 2 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads because I love Natalie Portman.

Everybody’s Fine

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=42468

Yuck. I read the cast list and was excited. I read the plot and thought it sounded pretty good. Then I made the fatal mistake of watching clips of the movie arranged in a montage with music in the background and I hated it. This movie is purely a plug and play movie. They have 4 famous actors: Drew Barrymore, Sam Rockwell, Kate Beckinsale, and Robert DeNiro. They have a vague and stereotypical storyline with heartwarming family moral: Dad is alone, doesn’t know his kids, travels the country to see them, each leads a very different life than the last that he has no idea about, tries to bring them all together to be a family again at least one more time. I’m completely uninterested in this movie. It is formulaic and the randomness of the cast doesn’t help any. Could you imagine any of these actors being the product of Bobby D’s sperm? Rockwell? Maybe. Barrymore? No. Beckinsale? Hell no. And then to take it a step further, can you imagine Barrymore and Beckinsale are supposed to be the product of the same sperm? Good God no. How many heads?

I give this 1 and a half Kristen Stewart wants IT head because Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous and for all the sharing sperm jokes and images I have in my head that will entertain me for the rest of today.

The Last Station

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=43571

Christopher Plummer plays Leo Tolstoy and Helen Mirren plays his wife, the Countess Sofya. Add into the mix, Paul Giamatti playing Tolstoy’s protégé who is also Mirren’s adversary. The two are fighting over Tolstoy’s money and legacy: for Giamatti it is to Russia and for Mirren it is to her family. And for good measure let’s throw in James McAvoy (the white guy in The Last King of Scotland) to be caught in the middle. I thought this was going to be a sappy “based upon” movie that I wouldn’t like, but it actually looks great. Really great. I am definitely looking forward to this. How many of dem heads?

I am giving this 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads! See you wenches!?! I’m not just watching movies where people get blown up by some musclehead from the 80’s! I have a heart.

The Strip

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=60660

Unfunniest trailer I have ever seen ever. This movie is the anti-funny. It kills funny. I am giving this trailer zero heads. And I’m also giving it no space where heads could even exist because the trailer was that unfunny. I was thinking of giving them negative heads and flipping the heads up side down or making them black and white or inverting the colors, but in that scenario the movie is actually being given something and I can’t justify it being given anything even if that anything is a negative amount of things. The movie would then have a debt to pay of heads and even a debt is too good for this movie. No heads!

Up Into The Air

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=45067

This will be good. I’ve talked plenty about George Clooney. I did an entire post on George Clooney. So no more George Clooney. This movie looks real good. I have full faith in Jason Reitman to make this a good movie. As well as, Danny McBride and Zach Galifankis kicking ass in however long their cameos are in this movie. I’ve always been a fan of Patricia Arquette. And I have a secret crush on Anna Kendrick that is not secret considering I have said it a couple times on this blog solely because of the movie Rocket Science where she is incredible. Cabezas?

¡Quatro cabezas! Me gusta todas las decisiones que señor Jason Reitman hace. Eso es mucha de cabezas estan queieriendolo. ¡Arriba!

Invictus

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=21209

Are we going for another 4 Kristen Stewart heads? I think we are. Clint Eastwood directing Morgan Freeman is enough already. Throw in Matt Damon for the hell of it. And it is about SPORTS! Oh my Jesus! What more could I ask for? Money, sex, drugs, better rock and roll. Sure. I can always ask for more of that. Anyway, I’ve talked about how I like this movie already in a previous post when I talked about shaking hands with Nelson Mandela. Saying that in my head makes it sound like a euphemism for jerking it. What are you up to? I think I’m going to go home, shake hands with Nelson Mandela and then take a nap. I get really sleepy after I finish shaking hands with Nelson Mandela. But that euphemism wouldn’t work for me in all honesty.

My penis looks nothing like Nelson Mandela.

And that is a sentence you thought you would never read. Here are the Kristen Stewart heads:

And now graciously I stand-up out of my chair and bow to the invisible audience at my office. You are welcome. Goodnight. NEXT MOVIE!

The Lovely Bones

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=20230

Ahhh, Peter Jackson. I do enjoy a Peter Jackson film or all of them. Big fan of the movie The Frighteners which was pre-LOTR. Well, I’m a big fan of the first and second acts and I pretend like the third act doesn’t exist. Not that any of you are rushing out to see Michael J. Fox in The Frighteners, so I really like the movie up until the point that the Grim Reaper stops dressing up like the Grim Reaper and instead just wanders around as the bad guy idiot ghost who I was very disappointed to hear was the Grim Reaper during the movie. All the rest preceding those moments, I am a fan of. You can really see where the Ringwraiths got their look from when you watch this movie. The Grim Reaper is like an enormous nightmarish cat with a 15 sickle. It is great. Also I loved King Kong.

I’m not sure if The Lovely Bones was an Oprah’s book club book, but I think it was and seriously what would be the big deal if I start a rumor that it was. Does Oprah not want you reading more books? Is Oprah against literacy? Is that why Oprah is leaving us!?! Either way, the book was supposed to be good or at least it was very popular. I think the young girl Saoirse (pronounced Swar-zee, like Sway-zee, but with Swar-zee) Rowan will do a great job. She was about the only redeemable part of that shitty ass Atonement movie. That movie sucked. My fear with The Lovely Bones is that Mark Wahlberg is playing the father and I hope he isn’t in the movie too much. I don’t think he fits this role well, but maybe Jackson can direct him through it. Also, the trailer shows way too much of the movie and I feel like I know everything that happens. I just saw that “têtes” is heads in French, but I have a feeling that will be mispronounced and construed by others outside of myself.

I think it should be good, but I’m not 100% sold on this because of Marky Mark and for the utter lack of subtlety in the trailer.

And our final film for today…

Yesterday Was A Lie

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=10606

I will not lie to you. Actually I have lied a lot to you despite my constant repetition of “honestly”, “I won’t lie”, “I’m not lying” and “truthfully”. Seriously, I didn’t watch the trailer. I had not heard of this movie nor anyone in it and made the wrong/right decision to read the summary prior to watching the trailer. The plot summary was way too ridiculous for me to even consider watching the visual representation of whatever the hell this “summary” is talking about. I will instead dissect and rate the summary with Kristen Stewart’s heads of wanting IT.

“Hoyle — a girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon –“

I believe this sentence perfectly sums up my readership.

Just perfectly.

Back to the summary:

“is investigating introverted artist/archaeologist John Dudas. But her work takes an unforeseen twist as she begins to experience events around her in a mysterious, disjointed manner. With the assistance of her loyal partner and a cute young lounge singer, Hoyle uncovers a plot to unravel earth-shattering cosmological secrets, smuggled out of 1930s Germany by a Nazi defector.”

An “unforeseen twist”? Are you fucking kidding me? “Unforeseen”!?! A perfectly amiable girl who is a bit of a booze hound has a side kick lounge singer who helps her in deciphering Nazi secrets that are both “earth-shattering” and “cosmological”. “Unforeseen” does not begin to describe how unforeseen that twist was. Where in the fuck did this movie come from? Oh yeah and there is more:

“But when Hoyle’s deeper relationship with Dudas is revealed, she learns that the most potent forces of all — human love, human pain — cannot be grasped by science alone.”

Oh my gay. This movie sounds terrible. Terrible in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine. A love story between a street smart moonshine drunk girl and a Tom Jones wanna-be “partner” who just so happen to be knee deep in clandestine documents from World War II that could be about anything from God to the apocalypse, I imagine. I didn’t and I refuse to watch the trailer, but the only thing that would save this is if Drunk McDrunk’s “loyal partner” was a chick and not a dude. I’m guessing it is a dude, but if they were lesbians then I would see this movie.

If the “loyal partner” is male like I’m guessing:

One head solely for how absurdly creative and ridiculous this movie is. But if the “partner” is a chick:

You get a bump to 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. Lesbians make all movies better.

And with that, Part II will be set for tomorrow whether you like it or not.

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54 Responses to “Ebert & Roeper Can Go Shove Their Thumbs Up Their Own Asses – Part I”

  1. Zees84 said

    You love Kristen Stewart head.

    • Zees84 said

      “A girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon

      I believe this sentence perfectly sums up my readership.

      Just perfectly.”

      Is this the first compliment we comment bitches have ever received? I think it might be. Unappreciative bastard. Smiley face.

      Great post. I think you are pretty accurate based on the trailers I have seen, though the trailers I most recently saw were for about 8 movies with Amanda Seyfried and love letters. And those made me want to run into a group of the screaming thirteen year olds and say “Jacob is a dirty, smelly dog” or something else to rile them up, just so I would be put out of my misery. I was supposed to go see Up in the Air tomorrow night for free, but the whole babysitter issue is holding us up. Oh well.

      • Zees84 said

        Fuck me, now I’m worried that the above came off too bitchy. It was supposed to be only mildly bitchy. More playful bitchy than angry bitchy. The Diet Coke of bitchy.

        Meh.

      • Crystal said

        Smiley face. I like it. Smiley face. You guys seriously have no clue how often I have to stop myself from making the dreaded smiley face. I net-smile a lot, it’s hard to break the habit. Smiley face again.

      • MLF said

        For the record- I didn’t think it was too bitchy. But then again I am a bitch so maybe I understood what you meant because you were speaking my language. I have been told though that I am not really a bitch- I’m actually nice but just very honest. Although I suspect that the person who told me that infact WASN’T being honest, and was instead being nice. Gosh my weak little brain is getting all “circle of life” up in here, lion eats gazelle eats grass lion dies becomes grass gets eaten by gazelle…

        what was I talking about again?

        I make too many smiley faces also.

  2. Cello said

    Brothers and Avatar are my most anticipated. And wheter or not Kirstin wants IT, she could definetely get IT. giggidy.

  3. Lala said

    “My penis looks nothing like Nelson Mandela.”
    Good to know, KSWI Jordan.

  4. tiffanized said

    I was listening to ODB when I read this, which blew my mind. What can I say? I like it raw.

    • tiffanized said

      P.S. My vulva looks like Helen Thomas.

      • Zees84 said

        My clitoris looks nothing like Angela Merkel.

      • Zees84 said

        Were it not for your brilliant mind, quick wit, red underwear and ability to make penis cakes, that sentence would have canceled O:F&S.

        Also, I wrote my Angela Merkel comment before I google imaged Helen Thomas. Had I waited, I would have left it alone in its awesomeness. And since I effed it up once, here I am, doing it again*.

      • Zees84 said

        PWG–

        Tolstoy Pussy Beard

        There, now it is permanently out there for the ages.

      • PWG said

        I feel like I’m missing an obvious Bush joke somewhere in here.

      • PWG said

        Man, I feel compelled to explain the Tolstoy comment although it’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to explore the issue FURTHER even if they’re confused.

        Back in September Jordan posted a picture of Leo Tolstoy. Guy had a crazy beard.

        Subsequently I posted a picture of Captain Catbeard.

        So if you were thinking realllllly hard of a famous person who, um, resembled . . . wow, there’s just no delicate way to do this. Leo Tolstoy –> hairy pussycat. I’m sorry. So very, very, sorry.

  5. Dear Jordan “The One Armed Bandit” ______,

    I have a cough. As you said, it’s cold here, plus I spent the holiday with a bunch of sickly old people, so it was only a matter of time. That said, I’m not walking around crop dusting with my cough germs, so I’d appreciate it if you could stop encouraging people to take out my knees! I value my knees since they allow me to walk, just as you probably value your last good arm which allows you to “shake hands with Nelson Mandela.” And while you’ve admitted that your penis doesn’t look like Nelson Mandela, that euphemism is now making me question if you call your penis Nelson Mandela. Or perhaps that’s too formal and you’ve given your peen’s nickname a nickname like “Nelly” or something equally adorable.

    I’ve now spent too much time thinking about and writing about your man parts, and that is not proper behavior of a lady. Not unless you buy me a Long John Silver’s shrimp plate first.

    Sincerely, a girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon,
    HB

  6. Raven said

    As a female, I just have to point out that you didn’t need to remind us who James McAvoy is – we know.

    Oh My Jeasus! I love it when you curse in protestant.

  7. Julienne said

    Do you guys have those lame signs around your work featuring a pathetic cartoon of a Charlie Brown wannabe that say ‘Cover Your Cough?’ People completely ignore these and cough all over the damn place. I seriously panic if I don’t have my bottle of hand sanitizer within reach at all times. I’m not a violent person so the busting of kneecaps is obviously out of my realm, but I do love to give people dirty looks when they aren’t looking.

    I agree with what you said about The Lovely Bones. Having seen the trailer 3 times (before New Moon, natch) they give far too much away, and seeing Marky Mark in any 70’s film makes me think of Boogie Nights and I’m afraid if I saw this I might expect him to whip it out at any given time, which would obviously be inappropriate during a film like this.

    Jason Reitman did Juno. Therefore Up in the Air will be superb.

  8. Crystal said

    *ahem* (If I skip a movie it’s because it is not awesome enough for me to have even heard of it.)

    “Brothers”- looks like awesomeness.

    “Everybody’s Fine”- looks like stupid Christmas drivel.

    “Up In The Air”- I’m actually interested in seeing this one. I’m impressed that your “secret” crush Anna Kendrick was given such a large role. We shall see.

    “Invictus” = Amazing.

    “The Lovely Bones”- What is your problem with the Wahlberg men? I mean seriously??!! I think the movie looks good though.

    Oh my Gay. I love that you said that.

    PS: The Frighteners was AWESOME! I loved that movie. So much. Seriously. I’ve always been an MJF girl though.

  9. PWG said

    Look people, I represent half the breadwinning capabilities of my household. I’m the only one who knows where to find things at home. I’m the last line of IT support at work. People depend on me, is what I’m saying. If you all persist in making me choke on my sesame tofu, I’m going to die. None of the lazy bastards at work know the Heimlich maneuver.

    And before you start, yeah I know tofu sucks. You don’t get to be a vegetarian without realizing that Day Fucking One. I believe anyone who saw Twilight with the sound on knows Edward Cullen’s views on tofu. I concur. It blows. So don’t make me die with that as my last meal. Start being unfunny, and start it right goddamn now.

    • Zees84 said

      I once saw this show about dissecting kittens.

    • Crystal said

      When I read, “I’m the last line of IT support at work” my brain said IT not I-T. And I was amazed that such a position exists in the world! I was not amazed that YOU hold said position but I was impressed.

      • PWG said

        I think I’ll change my next batch of business cards from Sr. IT Manager to Sr. Want IT Manager. Or does that make me sound like a retirement home pimp?

      • MLF said

        meh, I don’t know. I like it both ways* – even the retirement home pimp sounds like a fun gig.

      • Crystal said

        I think that’s a great idea. Retirement Home Pimp sounds like the best job ever…those old people LOVE doing it.

  10. PWG said

    Since I have the happy privilege of monitoring my own productivity and web surfing, I was given an epic task. Zees84 asked me if I wouldn’t mind googling “penises that look like world leaders” AND “world leaders that look like penises.”

    Well I’m no slacker, and I did that search with the safe search OFF, even, but Google has let me down. Oh I found interesting things, never fear. For instance this headline: “Beware Of Thai Women – Leaders in Penis Slashing.” Did not know that.

    And this unfunny Onion-Wikipedia bastardization calling for the disclosure of world leader penis sizes.. You can’t say I didn’t try.

    I stumbled upon Daniel Radcliffe’s penis, and when I say that I don’t mean it literally in case you were wondering. He’s cool, and he looks perfectly fine naked, but he’s not stumbling on his own junk with ever step. He’s legal in every state, though not my cup of tea, so I don’t feel like it was 10 minutes of surfing wasted. Sorry, Zees, I’ve let you down.

    • Zees84 said

      This comment is enough for me. You brought me back from looking at my high school boyfriend’s facebook page. So that’s a win on your part.

      Google failed me too today. I kept trying to find US President in Army Combat Helmet, with a very specific picture in my mind. I thought it was Eisenhower examining the troops, couldn’t find it. Then I thought maybe, right war, wrong side, but while anything that puts Hitler and penises in the same sentence is alright in my book, I wasn’t going to start that search. Then I realized I was thinking of Darth Vader. But bigger (KSWI Jordan is a big boy, as we know so well). Hence Dark Helmet. This is how my brain works, everyone. Run!

      P.S. KSWI Jordan, someone posted this article on FB, and I thought you would enjoy.

  11. PWG said

    Jordan, tomorrow you’ll be reviewing Sherlock Holmes. I just want to say right now that I don’t want you ripping on it. Even if you think it looks like some Edwardian England Brokeback Mountain remake, I don’t wanna hear it. I like Robert Downey, Jr. and I love Sherlock, so if you feel like riling me up in return for all the taunting I’ve done over the last few months . . . here’s your chance.

  12. Sorry for all of the comments about your genitals today, KSWI Jordan. You spent all of this time analyzing these movie trailers for us and I just can’t seem to get my “tête” out of your “pantalon”…

    I feel the same way about all of the movies you reviewed. I’m most looking forward to Up In The Air because of director/casting – I just wish Galifianakis and Bateman could share a scene, though I don’t think they will. Same goes for The Lovely Bones, but I too am concerned about Marky Mark. I can’t get him out of my head in The Happening. Though I’d rather not be selective and just wish I could get that entire movie out of my head, honestly… Anyway, The Lovely Bones looks interesting and the book was very good. I’m not surprised you haven’t read it as I do think it’s technically a “girls” book. But since you’re trying to prove to us “wenches” that you have a heart, perhaps you’ll consider reading it? I know, I know… “I’ve fucking read fucking War & fucking Peace!” We get it.

    • MLF said

      agreed. With the tête in the pantalones (but I’m not apoligizing, he started it after all) and the movies. The book is definitely one of my favorites. I think Jordan actually might like it, since it wasn’t a typical “girls” book.

  13. MLF said

    Wow. I feel like you all are my soulmates ( KSWI Jordan included of course)

    It’s so convienant that we have established this big love community already because if not I would be down on my knees* again* asking you all to marry me. and merry me. haha…that was my attempt at a lame slutty holiday joke. Thankfully it will probably be the last, unless I stay true to “A girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon” form. In which case there will be many, many more. and they will suck even worse than that one did.*

    huh. that last * was more of that’s what he said than that’s what she said but I’m just gonna go with it.

    • TDawn said

      Lame slutty holiday jokes are my favorite.

    • Zees84 said

      Nothing says lame and slutty like a joke about marriage and x-mas.

      Kidding kidding, I got the joke, don’t fret.

      • Crystal said

        Zees is always making sure nobody feel stupid. I like that.

      • Zees84 said

        Awww, I try. Thanks.

        Bitches lovin bitches!

      • MLF said

        it’s true. you are so nice. If you were with you right now i would probably be hugging you

      • Crystal said

        Bitches lovin’ bitches indeed!

        I said, “nobody feel stupid.” instead of “nobody feelS stupid.” And nobody pointed it out.

        I love you guys.

      • MLF said

        that’s ok because this just made me realize I said “if you were with you right now I would be hugging you,” instead of if I were with you hahahahah…

        this makes sense though considering the hour I wrote that comment at and how far from sober I was. The less sober I am, the more trouble I have with keeping my hands to myself and making sense when I talk/type.

        But I would still want to hug you sober too, Zees!

  14. TDawn said

    Whoa! that’s a lot of head.* I feel like I’m facing the firing squad of Kristen Stewart’s Want, I am afraid.

    I’ve taken a mental health day today. Of course, here I am at KSWI because it is absolutely good for my mental health. Fun times all around, always.

    It’s starting to get cold here in CA, I do not like it. I have to put away my flip-flops and wear my Uggs instead. What a pain. Also, I never get sick. Don’t tell my boss.

    Movies are good. I wasn’t planning to see any of the ones you reviewed so excellently. I feel well informed though. I am a girl with a sharp mind. I like movies with substance, with thought provoking dialouge, and hot guys. That’s right, I am speaking of Romantic Comedies. I love going to the movies alone, it is the rare occasion I get to be alone (in a room full of other people). So, when I pay my $10 to buy a ticket, I don’t want to spend the next 2 hrs crying. Or feeling some other emotion less desirable than what I was feeling when I walked into the theater. I can make myself cry for free. The one problem with Romantic Comedies is the damn things end up giving me hope that one day I will get my meet-cute with a tall, funny, smart, good-looking guy and live happily ever after or just make-out alot. One of those Summit previews on New Moon was right up my alley. You know, the one with Amanda Seyfreid.

    Looking forward to “Part Deux” tomorrow.

    • TDawn said

      PS- For some reason I’ve always thought Natalie Portman would have been the perfect Batgirl instead of Alicia Silverstone.

  15. PWG said

    Back to this: “‘Hoyle — a girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon –’ I believe this sentence perfectly sums up my readership. Just perfectly.”

    That comment and the picture of Matt Damon up there remind me of a scene in The Legend of Bagger Vance. Damon’s sprawled in a chair with his shirt half unbuttoned and a drink in his hand, talking to Charlize Theron. I couldn’t find a screen shot of it, but the word I think of when I see it is “dissolute.”

    Dissolute. Meaning “indifferent to moral restraints; given to immoral or improper conduct; licentious; dissipated.”

    I’ve seen a lot of adjectives thrown around to describe your readership: bitchy, demanding, perverse, perverted, alcoholic, funny and smart. I’m not going to deny any of those, but I think dissolute fits too. Kind of lazily improper. I wonder what it is about you that attracts dissolute women to your porch.

  16. aneira said

    niiice. random question.. do you like keira knightley? i dunno i was just thinkin about that.

  17. kt said

    Oooo yay upcoming movies! Sometimes I feel like I live at the movie theater and it has nothing to do with cold weather because I live in florida and if it gets below 65 (which happens maybe a cumulative 2 weeks out of the year) I have to put on a jacket. Also, I rarely get sick. My knees are safe.

    I actually agree with all of your Kstew heads. I’m seriously excited for Up in the Air this weekend. I read/heard that the part was written with Anna in mind after Jason Reitman saw her in Rocket Science but now I cant find that interview now so i might have just made that up…

    The Last Station looks fabulous. I’m a fan of period dramas and James McAvoy in period dramas. I happened to like Atonement, thankyouverymuch, but I don’t really think he is as hot as most girls project. I mean, he was pretty hot in Becoming Jane, but that might of been my girl crush on Anne Hathaway projecting onto anything she shares a scene and hot 18th century kisses with. But mostly when I look at James McAvoy I see Mr. Tumnus from Chronicles of Narnia. It is unfortunate.

  18. MLF said

    dude. I may or may not be sober right now but this sooo reminded me of KSWI Jordan:

    (214): Speaking of school, I’ve done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.

    only instead of a law degree, switch it out for a blog about Kristen Stewarts Want. And forget about the $100,000. And if he didn’t actually remain anonymous..but still. so close.

    I almost just yelled viva la O: F&B out loud.

  19. TJimminy said

    Really now… you give a bad review to a film you haven’t seen or watched the trailer because you don’t understand a summary you found online… ? … ?

    (& you apparently also don’t have the Google skills to locate the movie’s actual onesheet, so instead post a fan poster…)

    WHO again has their thumb up their ass? 😉

    • tiffanized said

      Your winking smiley totally makes up for your snotty comment.

      What KSWI Jordan lacks in Google skills and movie reviewing he makes up for in MS Paint abilities and raw sex appeal. Also, he is not named after a cartoon cricket.

    • Crystal said

      I don’t like you.

      • Crystal said

        That might be a bit confusing, (even though I’m sure you all know how much I love Tiff) just wanted to clarify.

        I don’t like you TJimminy.

        There, I feel better.

  20. Willis said

    Great BlogI’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to reading comics.

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