Something about Ebert & Roeper, their thumbs and their butts – Part II

December 2, 2009

Part I was yesterday, Part II today. Real complicated shit.

The Slammin’ Salmon

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38972

Dear Broken Lizard,

I am a fan of yours. I have bought in. I have drank the Kool-Aid. I have smoked what you have been selling. I have inhaled your airborne pathogens through my nasal cavity (Cavities? Is the term referring to the actual skull hole or the fleshy holes separated by cartilage? I have two nostrils like most, but I am pretty sure it is just one big hole in your skull. Plus I have a deviated septum so I’m probably only breathing in air through one of these fleshy holes anyway. Yep, I’m your internet dream boat alright). Long story very weird, I have seen all your previous works of non-fiction (Super Troopers, Club Dread and Beerfest were all documentaries, right?). I enjoy each one of them thoroughly. I have watched and rewatched each one several times. I have a great deal of anxiety that this The Slammin’ Salmon will suck. There are some parts in the trailer that make me smile and even at times giggle, but for the most part it don’t look good. I really hope that I am wrong about this. Typically trailers for comedies ruin many comedies by showing their best scenes, but Beerfest’s best scene aka “The ZJ scene” was not in the trailer. I pray nightly that there is a scene with relative hilarity as “The ZJ scene” in this movie. Please do not let me or your country down.

I am giving this trailer 2 Kristen Stewarts wants IT heads. The second head is mostly because of all the laughs and fond memories I have of Broken Lizard’s previous movies. I refer to that second head as “nostalgic head”. Not to be confused with “head” you are nostalgic about.   

Crazy Heart

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=46933

Jeff Bridges has quite a varied career with several brilliant movies intertwined in the madness. So has Jeff Daniels. Both men live equally schizophrenic careers of random ass movies with an insanely memorable performance every few years. They have an inexplicable bond of syllables and first names that regardless of whether you ever confuse the two (which don’t lie you have) you will always think of the other when one is mentioned. You know what movie was good? The Big Lebowski. That was a good movie. Jeff Daniels was great in The Squid and the Whale. What? We’re talking about Jeff Bridges. I know, but I just had this urge that I couldn’t stop to mention Jeff Daniels like I was some crazed tourette’s kid howling during the middle of Social Studies class. Weird. This odd occurrence is referred to as the “Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman paradigm”.

This movie looks like it will be pretty good even with the seemingly predictable love storyline. Jeff Bridges is perfect to play a washed up country singer. He looks like a cowboy bar playing country singer so why not make a movie about it. It doesn’t look like it will be nearly as dark as I would want it to be, but I think Bridges will do a good job and make this a more than a watchable film.

I’ll give 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads to this trailer and hope the romancing of Maggie G’s character is a minimum with Jeff Bridges getting whisky drunk at a maximum.

Avatar

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=13245

I’ve talked about this movie already several times I believe. So I’ll jump straight to the decapitated Kristen Stewart heads review.

If/when I see this movie in 3D, I think it will kick so much ass I’ll forget for a moment that I’m wearing the dorkiest fucking plastic disposable 3D glasses to make these blue apes come to life.

Without the 3D, the movie will be good. The action looks pretty badass, but it won’t live up to the hype. I play videogames! I’ve seen this before. It will be fun and colorful and stuff will be blowing up all the time. It might be cool enough to make me forget that this movie has been hyped up for 5 years as being the movie that will change action movies forever, but it won’t. Actually the recent TV spots say that this movie will change how we watch movies forever, which I guess means those stupid glasses. I remember playing Ridge Racer for Sega Genesis with those red square and blue square glasses. The “technology” has gotten better, but you’re still wearing shit glasses aka stupid glasses (not glasses made of shit). So I don’t know what it is changing.

If you haven’t noticed watching movies and talking about them is an insanely large portion of my life, so changing the way I watch movies forever would be a life changing experience for me. I’ll like Avatar, but it won’t change my life.

Fight Club changed my life. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly changed my life. Enter the Dragon changed my life. The Crow changed my life. Swingers changed my life. Rushmore changed my life. No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan changed my life. I can name a lot of movies that “changed my life”.

Avatar won’t. But I’ll like it anyway.

Did You Hear About The Morgans?

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=49705

Ugh. I would literally kill myself if I had to see this movie. KILL MYSELF! If someone tricked me into seeing this movie – they buy tickets before hand for this movie and another movie that are both starting at a similar approximate time and they get me to walk into the theater with a blind fold on somehow so I don’t see the scrolling electronic marquee thingy…. – I would kill myself in the theater. I would fashion a gun out of popcorn, straws, milk duds and a GUN(!) and I blow a hole through my fucking head and paint my brains all over the stupid people who paid to see this movie because I would rather die than see this fucking movie. Ok? My review…

It gets a special 4 bullet through the brain Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I’m sorry I had to do this to Kristen Stewart’s angelic wanting it head, but seriously that movie looks awful.

Nine

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=22220

This movie should be huge. I’m hoping it is huge. I like the cast a lot. Daniel Day-Lewis is the man and we all know it. The chicks are all smoking hot in this movie. Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Fergie, and Dame Judi Dench. What? You think Fergie is hot!?! You know what ladies, I’ve had enough of this bitches hatin’ bitches questioning who is or isn’t hot. I’ve seen some pictures of her where her face doesn’t look the best, but she has a phenomenal body always. Fergie is hot. Oh yeah, I said Dame Judi Dench as well, didn’t I? Yeah, that was a joke. I am not attracted to Dame Judi Dench, but I can’t stop myself from writing or saying “Dame Judi Dench”. It’s a drug and I can’t stop my addiction! DAME JUDI DENCH! Also, “Ghost f at One Time Hottest Woman in Hollywood Christmas Past” Sophia Loren is in the movie too.

This movie will be good. I didn’t like Chicago, but I’ll like this. I made a joke the other day calling Nine the “white Dreamgirls”. I thought that was clever and I was proud of myself for that. Heads?

I’ll give this 3 heads. I’m sure I’ll find one or two of the songs a little annoying and there will not be enough of Penelope Cruz naked for my liking either. So I’ll be a little depressed afterwards. But that joke about this being the “white Dreamgirls

That gets 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads.

The Young Victoria

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=23004

Oh my! How romantic! So much romance. So much romance for everyone. Their clothes? Romantic. The setting? Romantic. The acting? Romantic. The story? Romantic. I feel like a young lady being asked to dance at a ball with a lovely waltz playing and we kick up our heals and dance and dance and the music swells! And it is just so romantic… … … … … … I’m not seeing this movie. Queen Victoria reigned as the Queen of England and Ireland for 64 years! If that wasn’t enough, she was also the First Empress of India from 1876 onward until her death in 1901. And we’re watching a movie about some summer fling she had back in the dizzay? Fair enough. I understand these movies are not for historical importance and are instead for period piece romance importance, but if I have to remind you I am a guy.

I’ll generously give this movie 2 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie visually is pretty stunning so I have to give credit to that. Also Emily Blunt is hot. I was pretty late to the Emily Blunt is hot party. I didn’t see The Devil Wears Prada until it was on HBO. I didn’t think she looked all that hot in the trailers for the movie or at least I was more focused on Anne Hathaway because I already thought she was hot before that movie came out. Nevertheless, I joined the Emily Blunt is hot party with bells on when I saw her in Charlie Wilson’s War. She was only in it for a minute (fortunate rhyme), but she is near nekkid in that one minute and she looks fucking great. I won’t say what happened when I saw The Devil Wears Prada because it will only cause you high pitch squeals of hate instead of love.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44803

Obviously this looks terrible to me. I want to take a drill gun to my brain ala Pie (the Darren Aronofsky movie. I’m not going to search through ‘wingdings’ to find the damn 3.14 symbol) when I see trailers for kid’s movies like this. I’m not going to give this any heads because the movie was clearly not made for me nor my opinion. But I do need to mention that I’m freaked out by the implied sex in this movie.

In this “Squeakuel” the Chipmunks attend high school. WHAT THE FUCK!?! I know, I know. For a minute, let us pretend that that makes any logical sense whatsoever. People have accepted that chipmunks are talking English and communicating with high school students on a similar intellectual level. I will accept this, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept the bestiality idea that Alvin is hitting on the high school chicks and they are seemingly flirting back. That is getting a little fucking crazy. It appears that the writers at some point realized that Alvin cannot have a human female love interest. Avatar won’t change my life, but if I saw Alvin fucking a high school girl that would change my life and maybe end it. I feel the writers came to the same conclusion and decided to add more chipmunks and this time they are female. This does simplify things that Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are not crossing species sexual lines, but instead are just fucking chipmunks. I think I may have just talked myself into seeing this movie now. Chipmunk sex. Who knew?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38969

Psyched. I’m fucking psyched. It is sad and all that Heath Ledger died because he was a father and seemingly a good guy and all that. I never met the guy and probably never would have. His acting on the other hand did affect my life. I see a lot of you in the comments section weren’t big fans of Brokeback Mountain. SHAME ON YOU! That movie was great. Really great. Excellent, even. The movie is shot amazingly, the movie was acted amazingly, Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams get topless in the movie and their breasts look amazingly. As for the gay sex? It was one scene and it lasted like 20 seconds at best. The movie was more of a focus on the lonely life of a cowboy and even more lonely life when you are “different” than the others around you. Anyway, it’s a good movie and better acted then any other romantic garbage I see. And seriously, when Heath Ledger visits Jake Gyllenhaal’s house at the end of the movie when he is dead and goes up to his room and smells his shirt…. Tears. I’m comfortable saying it. I’m really comfortable saying it. That was a great scene.

Of course, Heath followed up that with The Dark Knight. If I could explain how much I love The Dark Knight in a sentence it would be: If/when I have children in this life, I may love The Dark Knight more than them. I’m just saying that is a possibility. Even if they were great kids who become millionaires and Nobel Peace Prize winners and so on. I still might love The Dark Knight more than them.

Heath was really hitting his stride in acting. He was finding roles that he could shine in and even more so there seems to be so many roles that he would have been amazing for. He did not get a chance to film all of his scenes in this movie, but I bet the ones he did he is great in. The rest of his scenes, he was replaced by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law. At the very least, this movie is wildly handsome. Also, Terry Gilliam is a great director so I’m psyched.

Definitely 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. There is a joke in here somewhere about “forehead”. I went to school with a guy who remarked that he got “four head” which sounds like “forehead”. He meant he got “head” four times, but it sounded like the girl rubbed his junk all over her forehead. Whatever gets you off, buddy. Cheers.

It’s Complicated

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=47769

So Meryl Streep, hunh? The older she gets the more guys she is sleeping with in movies. The last flick, Mamma Mia, she was banging 3 guys. Right? That’s what that movie/play is about? Streep is doing so many guys she doesn’t know which one is the pappa of her kiddies. I didn’t see it. In this movie Streep is banging Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Why not? So she did downsize from a foursome to an average threesome. That is pragmatism right there. I think you can thank the Obama administration for that. For Meryl Streep wanting less dick, amirite!?! I have no clue what I’m talking about here. I really don’t want to review this movie either. I don’t want to see it. I’ll probably end up seeing it hungover one morning when it is on TNT or TBS either way Ted Turner is to blame. That’s how I saw Something’s Gotta Give. Just laying around on the couch in the fetal position because some hard liquor ran me over like a freight train and I need some comfort in my life like Jack Nicholson doing Diane Keaton. I guess I’m saying that when I’m hungover and verging on the edge of death I’m finally cool with watching senior citizens grope each other like their 16 year olds with some light commercial humor mixed in.

I’ll give it 1.5 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I like Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep so that is 1 head. There shouldn’t be any singing in it so that is a .5. The rest of the stars were deducted because a lot of the movie seems to be about Alec Baldwin having sex with Streep and his young new wife and that means I will imagine old Alec Baldwin rigorously pounding away, out of breath, but not stopping until he busts a nut or dies of a heart attack. Making Massapequa proud, STRONG ISLAND!

Sherlock Holmes

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=45650

Fuck this movie. Fuck Robert Downey, Jr.

That was to get someone’s attention. I don’t take kindly to people telling me what to do. Unless money is involved.

I love Sherlock Holmes (the character/books). I love Guy Ritchie. I like the cast. But I think I’m going to be disappointed with this movie. More than anything this movie seems like Ritchie and Downey making a new Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Trade in pirates and the high seas for muggy weather, ‘gents and England(!). It looks a little too commercial action/adventurery for me to really love it. Nevertheless it looks fun and it will be enjoyable. I wish it was dark and more like the books, but what can you do? At least it isn’t Swept Away. Also Rachel McAdams is smoking hot. Someone did mention already the lingerie and that does look great.

I will see this in the theaters and I am excited to see it, but from all the early reviews and from the trailers I’ve seen I don’t think I am at all wrong in assuming this is anymore than what I said previously in this paragraph like 4 sentences ago about the Pirates of the Caribbean. I am not a fan of those movies. I thought the first one was pretty fun when I was watching it in the theaters. Afterwards, I thought it was pretty meh. The second one I like a lot more. The action was better and made a ton more sense. Why are the skeleton’s in the first one even blocking any of the bullets or swords? They’re immortal! They should walk every human down and then choke them to death with their hands. No need for fancy sword play. The third was horrendous.  

I’ll give this 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie will entertain, but I will want more. More from Guy Ritchie. More of Rachel McAdams in lingerie or less.

And finally…

A Single Man

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50095

I left this movie last on purpose. All the other movies should be in chronological order of their release dates here in AMERICA(!). I intentionally left this to the end because I wanted to beg you, implore you, request you to watch this trailer. If you don’t watch any of the trailers for any of the other movies then you are lazy, but I am fine with it. You must watch this trailer though. Some might say then I should have put this trailer first, but I would be running the risk of you giving up on the rest of these posts if that were the case. This trailer in a word:

 

INTRIGUING

 

This trailer is the most fucking intriguing trailer I have ever watched ever. The music, the style, the switching between fantastical to reality, the sexiness, the tension, the INTRIGUE! Oh my Jesus is it intriguing! Oh my Moses and Abraham! It is like eating a 9 layer cake of intriguing. It is a thick gravy of intriguing soaking up in your potatoes, turkey, stuffing and biscuits and with every bite you get more intriguing. If Kristen Stewart’s want was “intriguing” instead of “want” then this movie would be Kristen Stewart. Think about that. Isn’t that intriguing!?!

I was intrigued so much watching this movie I felt like I was tunneling downward under a mountain of intriguing. With every handful of intriguing I shoveled away from the Earth I was getting closer to the intriguing, but also the intriguing was covering me. I had intriguing under my fingernails and intriguing on my legs and arms. I wipe the sweat from my brow from all this digging and I would leave smear marks of intriguing on my face. Soon I have broken through all this intriguing and I crawl inside this tunnel I have made inside this mountain of intriguing. I am now enveloped by the intriguing. I thought I couldn’t be anymore intrigued. At that point, I felt like I have had my fill and should leave this intriguing. And then…

Colin Firth is staring at the blonde kid like he wants to do his mouth and I’M INTRIGUED AGAIN! What in the fuck is this movie about!?! I have no idea, but I’m thoroughly intrigued!

I have to give this movie 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads for how intrigued I am by it. At the same time, I honestly think there is a 50/50 shot at me not liking the movie. How on Earth could it possibly live up to how intriguing the trailer is? Either way, the trailer worked and now I want to see it. Or I just want to watch the trailer over and over and over again.

Thanks for reading……

I hope this helps…..

I’m fading….

3400+ words…

I’m tired..

Kristen Stewart wants it.

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46 Responses to “Something about Ebert & Roeper, their thumbs and their butts – Part II”

  1. Zees84 said

    You hit it out of the park today, KSWI Jordan.

    Funny, informative, intriguing. You make me wish I saw movies more often.

    It’s that time again, I am super fucking aggressive today because I got my assignments for Sunday. Yep, I’ll be working, from 7 AM to 4:30 PM, in a suit. I do not feel the same as you about suits. You can keep your suits. I have two that I use 3 times a year for two days of the meetings. No one notices that they are the same time and again, and even if they did, I don’t give a fuck. As an aside, my mom used to dress me in suits from the age of about 7 until I was able to shop for myself. I’m shomer fucking shabbos like John Goodman, so that means I wore suits often. This probably is why I hate them so damn much. In any event, I’ll be working my ass off, for time and a half which will not be sufficient to cover my pain and suffering, while you will probably in sweatpants and an old t-shirt, hungover or still drunk, on your couch, watching football. You’ll probably scratch yourself and burp. I don’t do those things, except scratching, because my middle fingers (and no other fingers) get shockingly dry and itchy in the winter. And the summer is for mosquito bites.

    Slammin Salmon could be a disgusting euphemism for having sex. Yeah, that’s right, I went there. Let’s keep it classy, and just stick to shaking hands with Nelson Mandela.

    • Zees84 said

      I actually scared myself with that comment.

    • Zees84 said

      Some of my aggression has abated, as the woman in charge of scheduling did me a favor and I can leave at three.

      Unrelated, my darling husband offered to babysit while I took a friend with me to the NYC free screening of Up in The Air tonight, but anyone I might want to go with is busy tonight. Its fucking Wednesday! No one should be busy on a Wednesday! Aggressive Zees returns because I ain’t seeing this movie by myself!

  2. Crystal said

    Sweet Jehovah that was a long post.

    Someone got told in this here post….oh snap!

    Yeah, I said it. I’m hungry and tired and therefore have no energy to comment on EVERY movie like I did yesterday. I don’t want to see most of them….I will watch the trailer for this movie called “A Single Man”. I like Colin Firth.

    I have a feeling it will be intriguing.

    • PWG said

      Yeah, I believe I got told. Not as masterfully as Tiffanized would have done it, but there was a definite rolled up newspaper across the Sherlock snout in there. I get it, Jordan, you want to be on top. If you were really secure in your masculinity, you wouldn’t care if you were on the bottom and tied up.

      • Zees84 said

        I’m so fucking pissed off that that idea is turning me on like its nobody’s business.

        Not pissed BECAUSE its turning me on, but I’m so aggressive that the thought of spanking someone and then having angry sex is quite appealing.

        How to bring this up with hubby?

      • MLF said

        If it were me, I wouldn’t say anything. I would just provoke a fight, and end the fight by removing clothes. This method has been sucessfull for me in the past.

      • Crystal said

        All of that sounds delicious. It’s been too damn long since I had sex. Frowny face.

  3. PWG said

    There’s a James Thurber story I love called “The Breaking Up of the Winships.” Gordon and Marcia go to see Greta Garbo in Camille. Marcia’s rhapsodic about the whole thing, she just loves Garbo. Gordon goes from having no strong opinion about it to getting irritated by Marcia’s crazy enthusiasm.

    “They sat in moody and brooding silence for a long time, without moving a muscle, at the end of which, getting a hold on herself, Marcia asked him, quietly enough, just exactly what actor on the screen or on the stage, living or dead, he considered greater than Garbo. Gordon thought for a moment and then said, as quietly as she had put the question, ‘Donald Duck.'”

    The whole thing’s a stupendous reading of human nature and how people fight. The escalations, the dug-in positions, the contrariness for its own sake.

    So I say to you, Jordan, that although I previously had high hopes for Sherlock Holmes, I wouldn’t have bet the farm on it. It’s not directed by Michael Bay or McG, so it’s not a guaranteed disaster. But now I hope it’s the best movie ever. I hope it’s the Donald Duck of 2009.

  4. I do not confuse Jeff Daniels with anyone. Namely because my friend’s Dad is friends with him. He gives him guitar lessons. WHAT?! Yes! I kind of wanted to go over their house during one of his lessons and subtly slip lines of dialog into conversation to see if he’d notice… I knew I’d have to stay away from the more obvious Dumb & Dumber lines. Which meant one thing: I would need to find quotable lines in the live action version of 101 Dalmations. So… I gave up on that goal.

    It’s a little bit creepy how well you know your readers, Jordan. You were dead on with the Fergie thing. You see, as I read, the wheels start churning with all the brilliant things I’m going to spout off about in the comments. But lately, you’ve scolded “me” before I could even get to that point! You’re cockblocking my comments, you bastard. You were wrong about one thing, though: the deviated septum isn’t enough for me to cancel my KSWI Jordan Fan Club Membership. It’s going to take a lot more than nasal issues to throw O:F&B off it’s tracks. “A” for effort, though.

    I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that liked Brokeback Mountain. I didn’t want to get made fun of, so I kept quiet. I usually only tear up in movies when animals die (and at the end of Elf when the sleigh flies over everyone singing… that’s goosebumps-worthy shit right there), but I most definitely sniffled through the end of that movie.

    Be happy you saw Something’s Gotta Give on tv. I got dragged to the theater for it, and if my memory serves me correctly (which it does because this is burned in my brain until the end of time), I saw Diane Keaton nekkid in that movie. Guess it could’ve been worse… could’ve been Jack.

    I want to know what happened during The Devil Wears Prada that would make us squeal with hate. I didn’t care much for that movie, so I’ll assume whatever you did was unrelated and involved kicking puppies or something. Now everyone’s going to think you’re a puppy-kicker until you prove otherwise.

    • MLF said

      wow. so soooo true. I was just about to say he thinks a little nasal deformity is going to stop us?! HAH!

    • Zees84 said

      1. I liked Brokeback Mountain as well.

      2. I saw Something’s Gotta Give in the theater on one of my early dates with my husband. AWK-WARD! Yup, I watched old people doing it with the person I was spending time trying to decide if I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It’s a wonder we went on another date.

      3. He held a girl’s hand during The Devil Wears Prada. No, that wouldn’t make us squeal with hate. Oh! I know! The girl got totally turned on by the clothes and shoes (because really, that was the best part of that movie, oh and Meryl’s hair) and he pretended to trip while coming back from a bathroom break and accidentally landed with his hand up her skirt. And well, you know.

      • If he had just left it as “I won’t say what happened when I saw The Devil Wears Prada…” I would have just assumed he spent the whole time “shaking hands with Nelly” in honor of Ms. Blunt (soon to be Mrs. J. Krasinski, the lucky wench). I would have let it be… But he’s taunting us with the part about screaming. The man is a skilled tease.

        So Jordan, I hope you’re taking notes for Friday… I’ve accused you of naming Lil’ Jordan “Nelson Mandela” and of kicking puppies whilst watching The Devil Wears Prada. Your call if those are rumors you’re comfortable living with.

        I wonder if I’ll ever regret this curiosity of mine… There is that one saying about it killing cats, yet I never learn any lessons.

      • Zees84 said

        Bitch, please!

        We all know he said that so the children will ask (get it KSWI Jordan? because no one else will…sorry, Jew joke). He wants to tell us, but he is such a motherfucking tease and he loves every minute of it.

        He will tell us, because he WANTS to, not because we drag it out of him.

        My money is on making someone other than one of us comment bitches squeal. Or he had tea with Megan Fox and they talked about how terrible New Moon was. That would bring some lurkers out of hiding.

    • TDawn said

      Oh yes!* That scene in Elf=goosebumps EVERYTIME!
      “The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
      You better watch out, you better not cry…
      Hey, you’re not singing.
      SANTA CLAUS is coming to town..” Chills!

      And thank you, I was thinking “Which one is Jeff Daniels again?”, got it.

      One time, not at band camp, Stacy Ferguson/Fergie was at my high school. I saw her with my eyes in the locker room, she was dressed. I was like, “OMG, it’s the girl from Kids Incorporated!” K-I-D-S yah!

  5. MLF said

    sooo….MOTHERFUCKING A PLUS.

    I am feeling super super pumped right now. I just gave a huge presentation that is 50% of my grade for the class, and I totally nailed it. Like, made it my bitch and trampstamped my name on it. So I am feeling all powerful and agressive and also athletic ( which I am not. at all. Ok well a little) I don’t know why but I always get so pumped after I pwn things. And to make everything even better, I have nothing to do until a five oclock meeting, so I can just sit here and bask in the hilarity of today’s post. and it definitely delivered.

    I am sooooo looking forward to Avatar. I had no idea what you were talking about with the whole video game analogy because I’ve never played a single video game in my life (I know you are sitting there shocked right now but don’t forget I come from a town where you marry at 18, raise cattle and tend crops durring the day and read Bibles for fun. So you should not be shocked)

    The only movie I disagreed with you on was Did You Hear About the Morgans. You didn’t have much to say about the movie other than the fact you would rather die than watch it, but I got your point. That you really don’t want to watch it. I on the otherhand can’t wait. I have been looking forward to seeing this movie since I saw the trailer in the theater for The Time Travelers Wife. Months and months ago. ever since then I have been looking forward to it, and honestly I can’t even really say why, it just looks hilarious. I dislike Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant, but the trailer looked fucking hilarious! whatever. I will see it and you will probably be right. But i’m still gonna see it.

    • Was dancing and rock music also illegal? Did you run off to barns and throw parties that broke all the rules!?

      You’re in college, aren’t you? How do you avoid video games in college?! In my (all girls) suite one year, we had an NES, N64, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, and Playstation in our common room. Was I just a geek or something? God, I’m such a bad “girl”…

      • MLF said

        OMG! YES YES AND YES! LOL

        well, kinda.

        Dancing like today’s youth dances wasn’t illegal but Severely frowned upon, like, at highschool dances if you wanted to grind up on somebody you would have to go into the middle of the group of people dancing and make sure that none of the adults saw you.If they did see you they would separate you, even if you were 18. At church functions where there was dancing you would never touch anybody, just do a lot of kicking/arm flailing/bouncing. And of course when slow dancing there should be a foot of space between you at all times. Besides, it feels pretty skeevy to get down an dirty to contemporary christian…

        Pretty much everyone listened to country or praise worship. I mean of course the teenagers listened to a lot of rock and rap but oooooh lord, you did NOT want to get caught listening to a song with questionable ethics, let alone foul language. People would talk. Dead serious.

        Obviously what went on in “Public” and what went on behind closed doors are two very, very different things. I mean,it got pretty awkward sitting on the church pew next to the person you were just fucking while Pastor gave a sermon on abstinence till marriage, but I don’t think that stopped many people. In fact I know it didn’t….it was kind of like, picture or it didn’t happen. Unless you got caught, you just keep your sunday smile on and it didn’t exist.

        and Yes I am in college, but since I went my whole life without them I never had the urge to play, and subsequently I didn’t pick it up, even after I moved away from home…I am nerdy with books instead of electronics

      • MLF said

        oh, and yes, we did throw illicit parties at barns. We would go in the middle of the night and have bonfires and go fourwheeling…once we had to leave in a hurry because the cops got called (how anyone even heard us, we still don’t know) so we hid all of the beer bottles (we were all underage) in the feedroom. Sadly no one remembered to get them out before it was time to feed so the barn owner found them. We all had to work for a week without pay…it sucked.

  6. PWG said

    I’ve mentioned Brokeback Mountain, but I didn’t dislike it. I thought Jake Gyllenhaal gave a better performance than Ledger did, and I really liked Randy Quaid’s small part. I felt like the movie was over-hyped because of the perceived “bravery” of the lead actors for taking those roles. I say, go watch Gods and Monsters.

    I’m a fan of Jeff Daniels and I think he’s underrated because of Dumb and Dumber. He did some good stuff in Blood Work and Pleasantville.

  7. PWG said

    Never heard of A Single/Simple Man before today. Your header says one thing and the poster says another. I’m going with Single. The trailer was – what’s the word? – intriguing. I have no idea what’s going on in that movie, but I see Matthew Goode’s in it and I liked him in The Lookout. I had such high hopes for him in Watchmen, but his Ozymandias didn’t really do it for me.

  8. Zees84 said

    KSWI Jordan, I just want to say right now that I don’t want you posting any pictures of your penis. Even if you think it looks like some Fake Rob-esque English, Brokeback Mountain movie-merchandise looking dildo, I don’t wanna see it. I like keeping things clean and I hate male nudity, so if you feel like riling me up in return for all the taunting I’ve done over the last few months . . . here’s your chance.

    What?? It worked for PWG….

    • And please, whatever you do, don’t give us your address…

      • Zees84 said

        Or your cell phone number. That would not at all be a wise move.

      • MLF said

        LMFAO

        god you ladies astound me with how smart you are.

        The truth though, is that even if he did post his address…shit even if he mapquested directions from his front door to mine, I still probably would never even meet him. I live in FL. That’s a long drive/money I don’t have to fly with. So he’s safe-from me anyway. I’m such a failure with the whole O:F&B. So depressing.

        Actually I don’t like saying he’s safe from us- that would imply if any of us every found him he would be in danger or the experience would be unpleasant, which of course couldn’t be further from the truth. (I’m pretty sure…?)

      • Zees84 said

        Here’s the thing, MLF, HB and yours truly both live in New Jersey. In fact, Jersey City is almost equidistant from our respective towns, assuming you triangulate.

        Geographically speaking, O:F&B could be a reality, but I have a wonderful husband and daughter whom I love very much. HB is too good to be chasing around some dude. He should be F-ing her.

        But make no mistake, it would be anything but unpleasant. Maybe a little dangerous, but I have the feeling KSWI Jordan would be ok with that.

      • Mostly I’m just worried that showing up uninvited to KSWI Jordan’s could be the last thing I ever do. When coughing or sniffling in his presence is justifiable cause for being crowbarred, I fear that carrying out the F portion of O:F&B without so much as an evite could result in my being machete’d, ninja star’ed, or maybe even arrowed. Operation: Find & Die sounds a lot less appealing, quite frankly. If any “O:F&D” exists, the D had at least better stand for “Drink” or “Diddle.”

      • PWG said

        Plus, if Jordan turns out to be the most patient and devious serial killer ever, I’m going to feel sooooo stupid.

      • PWG said

        “What did all of the missing persons have in common, Officer Cross?”

        “Apparently they all commented on the same blog all day, every day. The last post was a Google Maps link, and after that *poof*, nothing.”

        If I’m to be sold to a slave trader rather than serial killed, can we make it to a buyer in a warm location? It’s snowy here today. Also, I’ll need snacks and an Internet connection in my crate.

    • Crystal said

      LOVE that. All of it.

  9. TDawn said

    *Golf Claps* I enjoyed your lengthy reviews. I won’t be seeing any of these movies either.

    I’m glad you brought up the shirt scene from Brokeback Mountain. I had forgotten about it and you are absolutely right.

    MS Paint job, excellent. I just noticed her eyes are X’d out. It’s all in the details.

    Your intrigue in A Single Man does not intrigue me. I’m not going to watch the trailer even. You can’t make me.

    Swingers was on cable the other night. Vince Vaughn was so thin and that hair. I was cracking up because he looked just like Dylan McKay from 90210.

    • MLF said

      bahahahah. I wasn’t going to say anything but yeah, I didn’t run off to youtube to watch the Single Man trailer either. Perhaps when I get really bored later on tonight I will but in the meantime I’m going to hope he will get angry because of our insubordination and comes up with a good way to punish us.

      I’m guessing I’m not the only common tater (haha that’s for you HB) who would enjoy a good KSWI spanking

      • TDawn said

        OR how about a rear naked choke? As long as his hands are on my rear, we’re naked, and I’m choking on my “breadths” of ecstasy.

        Holy Hell! I’m all worked up now.

      • MLF said

        I would be amenable to a rear naked choke as well… I basically agree 100% with you about the hands on my bare bottom business.

      • Zees84 said

        Have you been reading “The Training” before commenting? It always leads to horny comments. I learned that lesson the hard way. That’s what she motherfucking said.

      • MLF said

        no, I haven’t been.

        actually let me clarify- OF COURSE I am reading The Training, as everyone should because ohmagawd hawttttttt

        but not right before commenting. normally after I read a chapter it takes me a good ten minutes to stop squeeing all over the place, and then I often go take a shower. or do something else.

        I don’t even know what would happen if I commented right after I read that….the comments section would go from R to XXX pretty quickly though I think, especially if we all read it.

        we should test this theory out next tuesday. I would be interested to see KSWI Jordan’s reaction, that’s for sure.

  10. kt said

    OK.
    1. Your Bill Pullman/Bill Paxton Paradigm just blew my motherfucking mind. Kinda like when I found that facebook group about the word “bed” looking like a bed and 3.14 looking like PIE backwards.

    2. Avatar looks effing retarded. Yeah I said it. My roommate creams his pants every time a commercial for it comes on and when we saw the trailer at the theater I thought he was gonna have a heart attack, but I have absolutely no interest in seeing it and I am on his shit list because of it. He also just finished killing the Pope in Assassins Creed 2 on the 360 and I am sitting here helping him decode stuff to find pieces of Eden or something…

    3. I think Young Victoria will be better than just two Kstew heads, but as I stated yesterday I love period dramas, so I guess I am biased.

    4. Heath Ledger is amazing Dr. Parnassus will be great, and Brokeback was an awesome movie. I saw it with my gay boyfriend and all of his fag hags and we cried together. I really can not wrap my head around the fact that there are people who don’t like it and get in a tizzy over Jake and Heath getting it on for 20 seconds of the most un-sexy gay sex I have ever witnessed. But, I’m a big gay liberal so I guess that explains it.

    5. A Single Man. Probably the movie I’ve been most excited about this year besides New Moon. I have to point you to the original trailer that was cut by Tom Ford himself, because it is even MORE intriguing than the one on comingsoon.net (I really think this should be the name of a porn site) which I’m assuming is the only version you have scene. The Weinstein Company managed to de-gay it with the inserts of the critics praises. I don’t know if they did this on purpose to make it more appealing to a wider audience or what, but it kind of annoyed me. It probably annoyed Tom Ford too. And I love me some Colin Firth and Matthew Goode.

    6. The rest of these movies I feel very “meh” about. I will probably see them (except for the chipmunks), but they will just be movies I pay $8 to see.

    I think this is my longest comment ever.

    • MLF said

      I have said before that I didn’t like Brokeback, but not because of the gay sex.

      I am pro gay marriage, love my gay friends and love slash fic and all of that. I just didn’t like the movie because of the movie itself, not because of the subject. The scene where Heath is smelling the tshirt did make me tear up, but that was about the only memorable scene in it for me. And I did not enjoy the mumbling.

      OH wait also the scene where Anne Hathaway shows her tits. that made a lasting impression.

      meh but anyway that’s just me.

      • kt said

        I wasn’t saying that about your opinion personally and don’t remember you mentioning it before. I was actually thinking about people like my redneck brother who once made a comment about the Joker being gay now simply because of Heath’s role in Brokeback… thats the type of people I grew up around… yup. I’m sure there are lots of people who have nothing but love for gay community and didn’t like that movie for whatever reason. I’m more referring to the people who won’t even consider opening their minds for two whole hours to experience something different inside their homophobic bubble. And I honestly wasn’t expecting someone on this particular blog to hold those principles. Sorry if I came across too brash.

        Anne Hathaway has great tits. and skin. and hair. I’d switch teams for her in second.

      • MLF said

        I don’t think you came across too brash- I just wanted to confirm that I wasn’t one of the homophobic assholes incase anyone did remember me hatin’ on Brokeback.

        I would switch teams for some people, but anne hathaway isn’t one of them…I would just want to stare at all of her nekkid perfect skin and nipples, not actually fornicate with her.

        Kristen Stewart IS one of them though.

    • PWG said

      kt, You must draft a letter to Dan Brown immediately, telling him about the Pi/Pie/3.14 and bed stuff. I think you could get a dedication in his next book out of it. He’s covered the Illuminati and Freemasons, so that stuff was probably leftover from the Mayans.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    I don’t know.. Avatar doesn’t look that good to me. I’m a little dissappointed with it. It sort of looks like a science fiction Fern Gully.

    • kt said

      DUDE! Nail on the head. That is totally what I picture when I watch those trailers. Fern Gully with guns. It would be epic if they had Tone Loc voicing one of those aliens.

    • MLF said

      OMG I COMPLETELY AGREE AND THIS MAKES ME EVEN MORE EXCITED TO SEE THE MOVIE!!!

      I had to put that in all caps to convey how animated I am right now about a newer more action-y fern gully comming out.

  12. aneira said

    im really looking forward to the imaginarium of doctor parnassus. love heath ledger. love johnny depp. love tom waits. but jude law seems like a dick.
    with his good looks and illegitimate child and cigarettes.
    hes so smug. and when i look at him i am confused as to whether or not i should have an orgasm or punch him in the face.

    and in the romantic period piece, the guy is keira knightleys boyfriend.
    and im pumped for aggressive thursday.

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