I was going to mention Gail Simmons’ boobs and you got 2600 words

December 3, 2009

What to write about? What to write about? What to write about? What to write about? Indeed, this is quite the quandary. I have several ideas floating around my head. I have ideas that I think will be enough to fill a page, but not upwards of 4 to 6. I could try to stretch those ideas. I could stretch them out like a ball of silly putty. Grab two handfuls on either side and pull in opposite directions. Two thick masses at the end and paper thin in the middle. I could stretch one idea that was only meant for a paragraph or two until its breaking point, so I’ll be left with a rich beginning and end, but a great big bridgeless chasm in the middle. That is tempting.

Tempting like Gail Simmons’ cleavage tempting. I watch Top Chef occasionally. I did not start watching it until the third or fourth season. The show is good. I was sold on the show by three individuals: Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio, and, the aforementioned, Gail Simmons. The contestants I find all very forgettable and I wouldn’t eat most of these dishes they make. I am a simple eater: meat and potatoes. I do not need “grape reductions” or “foie gras” or “fennel”. I did not know what “fennel” was prior to watching Top Chef and I’m still a little sketchy on what it is now. Nevertheless, if I’ve learned anything from Top Chef (minus the rant about boobs that will follow this paragraph) it is that “fennel” is appropriate in EVERY CONCEIVABLE THING YOU MOTHERFUCKING COOK EVER! Who knew? But they all use it in everything.

Back to the holy trinity of Padma, Colicchio and Gail. Let’s leave Colicchio until the end shall we. “Boobs first, New Jersey second.” That’s my saying and I’m sticking to it. I had never heard of Padma or Gail before watching this show. I now know way too much about Padma. I know about her childhood and how/where she got that scar on her arm. I know about her and Salman Rushdie. I know about her sexual “daddy” issues. And I’m a better man for it. I don’t know too much about Gail. I know she is married. That’s about it. Her background was not nearly as exotic as Padma’s. So what about Padma?

SHE’S FUCKING GORGEOUS! That is an understatement. Padma is an exceptionally attractive woman. Amazing body, amazing face, amazing skin and she’s a model so her posing is perfection. Also, she apparently has a discernable palate. I’m pretty sure I remember her having no background in cooking or food preparation. Her background is she’s so effing hot that she has been taken to all the greatest and most expensive restaurants in the world by insanely wealthy men. She may have never braised any short ribs* herself, but she has eaten braised short ribs in over half the countries of the world and at their most famous restaurants no less. Padma is a great host because her sheer hotness has an authority to it. You take what she says as truth because her gold aura tells you so. You take her words as law because you want to succumb to her raven haired glory.

When looking at Padma I feel like I am not looking at a false golden calf idol, but instead I am looking at how God intended us all to look if he had just been given 2 weeks instead of 1 to make the world and if places like McDonald’s and Mrs. Fields didn’t exist. Padma’s beauty spreads warmth through a room like a space heater. It is a pleasant and religious experience gazing upon Padma. Where as Padma’s looks are brain melting as a whole, Gail Simmons’ breasts make me want to chew concrete. Gail and her cleavage make me furious. 

Simply, I just want to grab them. And other things, but first “grab”. Gail is mocking me with her cleavage. She is mocking us all, but there are women out there who have beautiful cleavage of their own. As we all know, the best way to fight fire is with more fire. Additionally, I have seen that one must take their own fire and press it hard and rub it against thoroughly the original fire. And videotape it. Or at least take enough pictures where I can put them in a Gif file and create the movement that way. And send it to me. That last part is necessary as well. I’m saying that you should get all cleavagey (send me the pictures for approval) then track down Gail and her cleavage and then make the cleavages do battle.

When Padma and Gail talk I have no idea what they are saying. They speak English and Padma’s voice actually sounds quite melodious, but I can’t hear a fucking word they are saying because of extenuating circumstances. For Padma, her beauty is white noise. The physical sight of her is so powerful that it also transmutates (real word because I said it) sonically and destroys any other audio. For Gail, my constant inner-monologue angry mumbling of “I just want to fucking grab those things” drowns out whatever she is saying. My love for Gail and her rack should not lead you to the following conclusions: 1. I do not notice Padma’s rack and 2. I do not notice the rest of Gail. In total, Gail is a good looking woman, but not talking about her breasts above all would be like talking of the Indianapolis Colts’ undefeated season thus far and failing to mention that Peyton Manning is leading that team. Sure the Colts are a good team. Their defense is fast and sack happy (much like you cock teases – operation find and what? You know what city I live in) and they have quite the range of All Pro level talent on offense like Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne. BUT THAT CLEAVAGE! BUT PEYTON MANNING! And the former, Padma’s got some amazing boobs of her own and they are getting bigger. 

Boobs, check. New Jersey? Tom Colicchio is the man. Much like “fennel”, I had no idea who Tom Colicchio was before Top Chef and now I really want to meet him, I don’t want any “fennel” though. I don’t even care about eating his food. I’ve looked over the menus for his restaurants and it seems great and all, but I want to meet him because of his disposition. First, he is from Jersey which is a plus. I just have to mention that as much as possible, I’m legally obligated to do so as a Jersey resident. His “disposition”! Tom Colicchio is a grruff dude. He is grruff like the odd facial stubble soul patch he is rocking this season. He is grruff like the double rr’s I use when I write grruff which should be rolled as si eso es en Español. Tom Colicchio has disdain for these competitors.

One of the greatest treats on Top Chef is Colicchio’s reactions to the explanations by a contestant. During the final judgment, the contestants have an opportunity to rationalize why they have fucked up making creme brulee or why their chicken was undercooked. Usually, the chefs give horrendous excuses. And that is just how Colicchio sees it: “excuses”. They’ve messed up. Their soup was too thin, their duck was too salty, their vegetables were over cooked and their strip steak was so rare it was still mooing. Why? Because they suck! They are not professionals, they’re stupid and they’ve messed up! They didn’t budget their time appropriately because they’re idiots! They think eggs are supposed to be runny because they’re morons!

Colicchio – “You made a salad to go with your filet. The lettuce in the salad was not crunchy and appeared lifeless. Why is that?”

Contestant – “I didn’t spend enough time in the grocery store looking for the right lettuce because I was too busy with the butcher getting the filets cut just right.”

Colicchio stares a hole through the contestant saying with his eyes, “You are a simpleton and your steak wasn’t any good either.”

Colicchio doesn’t have much to work with because they usually give half assed responses like the above. These people are there not because they can wax poetically or because they have any oratory skills at all. They are there because they can make a Bolognese sauce while standing on their head in less than 10 minutes with Colicchio, Padma and Gail’s plunging neck line staring them down.

What does this have to do with Kristen Stewart?

Absolutely nothing, yet again! So do they want it? Does Padma and her flawless physical appearance want it? Does Gail and her juggs want it? Does Colicchio and his scornful looks want it? Can Kristen Stewart cook? Is Kristen Stewart a vegetarian? Are the New Jersey Nets the worst team in NBA history? Am I working on a couple creative projects outside of daily blogs for y’all that you may or may not be interested in?

Kind of. Sometimes and yes if you are an older strict man. She doesn’t, but they do. Not really and no. Probably not or at least I wouldn’t trust her to. I’m curious if she is a vegetarian or if she eats food at all. Yes, they are the worst team ever. I’m actually working on two projects: drawing and writing something else.

You all seem pretty full of yourselves and each other lately, so I don’t know if you even care. Demanding in the comments section without giving me anything in return. Oh show us your dick or write about this or whatever. What do I get in return? Oh I hope he gets mad and scolds us. Great present. This symbiotic relationship is completely out of whack. You’re such a great writer and you make us laugh everyday so to say thank you we’ll tease you to see if you’ll get riled up to yell at us in text tomorrow. I’m a big man bear who is pestered by little girl bears who are hungry. I spot a beehive in a tree. I reach up and grab at the beehive. Even though my thick fur cannot be penetrated by the bee stings, my face is still susceptible, but I fight on regardless. I defeat the bees and break open the hive. I offer you all the delicious honey combs to eat. You do eat them and in return: you poke me with a stick and run away laughing.

So yes, there may or may not be drawings for you next week and later this month if I finish it there will be a piece of original material that may or may not change your lives forever. Bears need hugs. Or metaphorical ones do. Not real bears. They kill people who hug.

Padma’s want is directed at three things: the camera, well crafted food, and men who resemble her father. Padma has an excellent amount of want for these three things in particular, but little else outside of that. She is a model so she knows how to look sexy as shit eating a Carl’s Jr. burger like in the earlier video clip and how to look like she wants it while on the red carpet. Padma feeds on only the best designed cuisines and/or the most well intentioned attempts by these Top Chef contestants. And she admits to having “daddy issues” and her time with Rushdie was the zenith of that. I think more than anything, Padma is gorgeous and she knows it so she allows herself to radiate this beauty because others can want her and be nurtured by it. Padma’s want is giving like Mother Earth. Kristen Stewart’s want is more like the rocks, flint, tinder, sparks, fire, light et cetera. Kristen Stewart’s want is the inspiration to create fire and the power it wields. Padma’s is the heat of the fire that keeps you warm through the night.

Gail’s want has been focused and sharpened to a fine point like a tip of a spear or the edge of a blade. Except her edge and tip are two massive fatty lumps that sit high on her chest that we would all love to squeeze and rest our head on like pillows with a heartbeat. She generally doesn’t seem to want it. But the cleavage always wants it. Kristen Stewart’s primary want weapon is her eyes. She certainly shows her want with the lip biting and so forth, but her eyes are the primary weapons. Kristen Stewart’s want is like the American military. She has the army, the navy, air force and even the coast guard. But her eyes are the marines and they go first. Gail’s weaponry is more like a suicide terrorist – no gun, no training, no help, but she’s got a set of bombs on her that will make you explode… kind of clever, right? I give it a 7/10. Her breasts 10/10.

Colicchio’s want is for these dumb ass contestants to stop wasting his fucking time. This man didn’t use a reality show to jump start his career. He is a chef. He makes food, people love it, and he is rich because of it. These buffoons who show up week in and week out before him forget to use salt and pepper on their entrees and because of this he has wasted another hour on this Earth eating their food. Colicchio wants good food that was thoughtfully prepared. That’s it. He doesn’t want flash or experimental dishes. He just wants it to taste the way it should and move on. Kristen? Like I said, I don’t know if she is a vegetarian or if she eats food at all. She may only survive on the particles in the air and water…. and weed. Her want is much greater than Colicchio’s so there really is no reason to compare. Colicchio seems to be a pretty satisfied guy outside of the time he spends eating some shitty fish tacos a contestant made. He is rich, he has many restaurants, he knows how to feed himself extraordinarily well, he has the confidence to be a bald man as well as grow facial hair that looks completely ridiculous and he is from Jersey so he has that going for him also.

So they don’t want it as much as Kristen Stewart. Nevertheless, the second part of the Top Chef season finale is next week. I don’t think the younger brother is going to win. I think the older brother and the bearded guy have a better shot because they will make something simple instead of wowing the judges with something elaborate. So I like the show. I am stunned by how hot Padma is each and every time I see her. I am stunned that no one has just reached out and squeezed the shit out of Gail’s boobs. They have plenty of women and gay men on that show and it is always perfectly and legally fine if they grab a woman seemingly anywhere or at least that is what television and bars have led me to believe. And I’m stunned that Colicchio hasn’t punched someone for fucking up an eggs Benedict. All my focus when I watch this show is on those three and little else. At the end of every episode, I feel as if everything has been wiped from my brain and all I remember is I love Padma and Gail and Colicchio, but I couldn’t tell you what happened that episode that differentiates it from the last one.

Questions and comments for tomorrow’s weekly rap up should be left in the comments section or emailed to me along with cleavage pictures.

Now I’m starving from writing about food.


47 Responses to “I was going to mention Gail Simmons’ boobs and you got 2600 words”

  1. SallyJFox said

    Anyone who says they date older men because they have “daddy issues” is an idiot. You like to bang older men. End of story. Leave daddy out of it.

    And Padma looks like a stand-in model for Avatar.

    I can’t begin to guess why this whole post got my goat all up in a bunch. What the hell? Sorry guys. I’ll take my ire and my coffee and leave this here comments section to its fun.

    • Julienne said

      What about younger men? Specifically 23 yr old Englishmen who sparkle as their day job?

      What’s that rule…it’s acceptable if someone is half your age plus 7 years, yeah? God I hope so.

  2. PWG said

    I don’t watch Top Chef, so it’s hard for me to have an opinion on any of that food show stuff. I do have breasts, and I agree with the premise that breasts are pleasant things. I’ve never felt compelled to rub them up against any other woman’s rack, let alone Gail’s, so pictures of that experience are not forthcoming.

    And if for argument’s sake I did have an animated .gif file of such a thing, I’m not sure I’d send them to the big man bear who thinks we’re all full of ourselves and each other. Ahem.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      What about a big man bear that gives blood?

      • PWG said

        Well okay, then, why didn’t you say so in the first place. Pictures of PWG’s epic rack to follow soonest. I occasionally write like I’m sending a telegram.

      • You may want to include some orange juice and a cookie or two. I’m a little concerned that your epic rack may be too much for him to handle so soon after giving blood. Don’t want big ol’ tough and towering man-bear over here going down* and injuring himself/others.

      • PWG said

        Oh, see, now I think I’ve overestimated the charms of my breasts. In all honesty, they can’t be considered epic. Maybe more After School Special.

      • MLF said

        PWG I’m sure if your breasts are even half as awesome as you are in general they must be pretty fucking awesome. They are awesome by default just because they are attached to your person.

        Does that make sense?

      • PWG said

        Who cares if it makes sense, it’s flattering and I’m keeping it and you.

  3. I don’t watch reality TV. I’ve never seen an episode of this show so I have nothing to say about it. But Padma is gorgeous, Gail’s cleavage is mindblowingly impressive, and Tommy C. is a-ok with me since he’s helping make us Jersey-ites look good.

    I get the feeling “Boobs first, New Jersey second.” will be your epitaph… You know, if you would just find yourself a Jersey girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon/beer/wine/vodka, you wouldn’t even need to choose – you could have your cake and eat it too.*

    This marks the start of perhaps one of my favorite paragraphs you’ve ever written: “You all seem pretty full of yourselves and each other lately, so I don’t know if you even care.” Aw, poor KSWI Jordan doesn’t think we care anymore! I’m very excited for your coming* projects. And each day, your post makes me happy.* But I’ve lavished you with compliments and salacious promises (some may have interpreted them as threats – simple miscommunication, if so), to no avail. So if I can’t get it from you, the only reasonable thing to do is to turn to other women, duh. If I have to rub my boobs on something and you’re not an option, may as well snag a fellow common tater.

    • tiffanized said

      I volunteer my rack for your rubbing pleasure, HB.

      • Thanks, Tiff. You’re a sweetheart. You would certainly win the cleavage battle, but it’s not about who wins or loses… but about living in the moment and enjoying the titty-mashing experience. Am I right?

        That reminds me of this quote:
        “Fight club wasn’t about winning or losing. It wasn’t about words. The hysterical shouting was in tongues, like at a Pentecostal Church.”

        Sub out “Fight Club” for “Cleavage Battles” and I’m pretty sure that’d be accurate.

      • Crystal said

        Titty-mashing. Love it.

    • PWG said

      That’s some top-notch TWSSing.

    • MLF said

      once again HB it’s like you had read my mind and eloquently put my thoughts into words with your third paragraph.

      So KSWI Jordan- yes I care, yes I am looking forward to new projects, and I agree with HB about how we common taters have to rub each other since so far you have not delivered on the address/phone number front. But if you provided one of those I’m pretty sure your front door would have a line around the block of women, and your text inbox would have so many boob shots you wouldn’t know what to do with them.

      well actually you would probably know what to do with them but anyways.

  4. PWG said

    Speaking of bears who need hugs, my 30 mile commute took 90 minutes today, and was conducted on a sheet of ice. I had to pull off the highway twice to knock clumps of ice off my windshield deicer squirt things so I could clean the splashback off the windshield and not die from drifing in front of a semi. It’s now 16F degrees outside and I don’t want to drive anywhere for lunch and I’m starving. I’m up to 176 words for you today, Jordan.

    p.s., my dog is really old and when I woke up this morning she wouldn’t move and I thought she was dead. She wasn’t.

  5. Zees84 said

    I’m sorry.

  6. fla said

    merry me, please


  7. Sarita Pagita said

    Commenting first timer here.

    You make me laugh so hard every time I read your posts. The randomness you string together and I see the want. Every time I see it. You are Plato in the cave.

    Padma and Gail both have me considering switching sides if I ever were to run into them at a Food & Wine event where I could watch them eat something savory. So I agree, they are two hot ladies.
    Too bad I eat at neither Mrs. Fields nor McDs and I still don’t look like Padma.

    In summary, you are a funny guy. You make me laugh. Out loud. At work. And? I sent the New Moon review w the football player/pantsing incident to my hubs and his reply: LMFAO.

    • MLF said

      I shared that post as well. They thought it was funny but since I shared it with my parents (whoops?) I think they were slightly disturbed at the content of the blog..They think I don’t drink, curse, or have sex with people and the actually asked me what it was that Kristen Stewart Wants. It was slightly awkward but I just couldn’t keep something that awesome to myself I had to share it with the masses

  8. tiffanized said

    After your chastisement (that’s for you, Zees) I feel compelled to produce a post-related comment, but I don’t watch Top Chef. I do have the boobs to say this: my rack is better than Gail Simmons’ because it is considerable and I am not stingy with it. Squeezers, motorboaters and pillow seekers are welcome.

  9. TDawn said

    Are you pouting? Don’t pout. If you’re pouting then I want to lick your bottom lip and gently bite it. I have good boobs, they would fit nicely into your big man bear hands. Interestingly enough, Padma and I share something in common. That is exactly how I eat my Western Bacon Cheeseburgers. Although, if I were to drip on my leg, I would totally use a napkin.

    My question is regarding your possibly needed suit intervention. I have a suggestion for you. How do you feel about sweater vests? I have observed male coworkers who wear them and they provide appropriate sternal head coverage even though the top shirt button is undone. I’m thinking: grey pinstripe slacks, grey button up, and a cozy black sweater vest. Super cute! I would imagine it probably feels like a warm embrace. If you wore one, it would be like having hugs from your commenters all day long.

    • MLF said

      I am with you on the whole pout nibbling bit- that sounds much nicer than the whole poking with a stick/running away thing.

    • Crystal said

      Dude, that lip biting scenario got me all hot and bothered as I read this sitting in the backseat of a car heading home from Houston in the snow!! I love snow! We get it so rarely in Texas. Anyway, that was hot.

  10. kt said

    Is that Kristen Stewart with Donald Sutherland, Chris Evans and that crazy cancer lady from Weeds?? What movie is this and why have I never seen it?!

    I’m sorry you feel unappreciated lately KSWI Jordan. If I ever meet Gail I will rub my boobs on her boobs, video tape it, and mail it to you before they haul me off to jail. Promise.

  11. Lala said

    Aww, KSWI Jordan… consider this comment a hug to you!

  12. AmyAlmost said

    I don’t understand the love of the Top Chefs or Celebrity Chefs or whatever kitchen shows…. But I do love the old episodes of Japanese Iron Chef – no one can beat Michiba and I don’t think they fennel that much.

    • “I don’t think they fennel that much”

      I don’t know if it was intentional, but I love that you turned fennel into a verb here. I’m a big fan of verbalizing nouns and nounifying verbs. Like yesterday, when I said to a friend that “Tiger Woods admitted to The Cheats.” These are the sorts of things that amuse me.

  13. MLF said

    Alright. just a warning, this is going to be fucking epicly long*.

    To start off, wow. loved the post today.I mean, I love it everyday* but today included several things I love alot: food, boobs, and knut the icebear <— the call polar bears ice bears in russia. look up the youtube vids that have singing in them, they are great…

    so firstly food. I love watching Top Chef, but before today I didn't know the names of a single person on the show. Usually I watch this show when I am not sober with friends and we all sit there whining about how hungry we are and how bad we want food but none of us are ok to drive so we sit there whining. Then eventually we call someone who CAN drive and then we end up either at walmart which thank god is 24hr, or a drive through. gross. anyways in general I really really love Top Chef.

    I have just realized lately I have mentioned sobriety several times and I feel the need to explain this, lest everyone starts referring me to AA. This week is the last week of class before finals. All of the business students have to give their big presentations in each class, wear lots of suits, and freak out durring the first half of the week, but then once you are in the clear you have a long weekend before finals week starts on the 7th and goes until the 14th. Which basically means that every one gets retarded. for a week strait. God I love college. So anyway as I mentioned yesterday I had to give my last presentation and now I am done until Monday so of course instead of studying for finals my friends and I and everyone within fifty miles of me ( or so it seems) has been partying.

    Anyway on to boobs: I like them. I like to squish them, sadly I don't really have them. I mean that's not completely accurate, I am actually a 34 C which is moderately decent size, but for as tall as I am they are not that big. They are meh. whatever. Typically I don't attract men with my chest I attract them with my legs or ass which is supposedly nice. You wouldn't think it but horsebackriding actually tones your lower body ALOT. I have been riding my entire life and if I go any ammount of time without riding, the next time I ride my muscles burn like fucking CRAZY. Wow that sounded sexual but it wasn't. So anyways, the moral of the story is that I don't have a large chest, and I like to feel boobs because they are squishy and fun, but I actually wouldn't really want them. Any different than what I have.

    Knut- I love the cute cuddly adorable little icebear. so fucking cute it should be illegal. Also- like I mentioned before ( I think?) about the youtube vids- apparantly knut is a big deal and they have made lots of videos of him being adorable, yet set to 80's newsroom theme music. Fucking hilarious.

    • If ever there was a group of people that you didn’t need to justify how much you drink to, it’s this one.

      Oh, and they call them “ice bears” in German too… well, “Eisbären.” Such a sexy language.

  14. aneira said

    i like top chef. i dont know anything about food and i wouldnt eat half the stuff they make either. but its entertaining.
    padma is an attractive woman, she is much more attractive than the average woman, but ive seen better.
    hallie barry has huge boobs
    mariah carey is a fake bitch who bought her curves and is terrible and needs to bring her pitch down.
    keira knightley has absolutely no boobs WHAT SO EVER! and neither does kristen really. thats okay k stew. join the club.

  15. I knew it was only a matter of time before women started posting their bra sizes… I’m just surprised it took this long.

  16. TDawn said

    I miss Zees. Sad Clown.

  17. Freya said

    TDawn tweets me; mentions that there’s TopChef on KSWI. Two of my favorite things are combined. I twitter my girls* every Wednesday night to talk about the Top Chef as it happens. Love it.

    I read. I chuckle. I nod my head knowingly as I read about soft, luscious cleavage. I giggle as I think about the pic of my own cleavage that I sexted the other day, which prompted the sextee to respond with an incoherent string of unrelated letters, such was his glee. I think that maybe I should mention this to KSWI Jordan, with no intent to ever send him that pic.

    I read on. Then BLAM! KSWI Jordan hits me with the m-effin’ cutest bear EVAH. Not only are their pictures of this tiny, cute bear, he himself takes on the identity of the bear in the most adorable, vulnerable metaphor ever posted on this blog. And the thought flits across my brain “go ahead…he’s giving you the honey, show him your Grand Tetons”. I’m shocked at my own reaction. Show him the girls? The twins? The reason my golf score isn’t lower? It’s irrational. But such is the power of the metaphor.

    I think I need to give my head a good shake* to clear it, because I’m thinking of hunting down Gail Simmons and filming some seamy, shaky handheld vids with my iPhone of chest on chest. But not until you write about Kristen Stewart’s want as it compares to Foucalt, Derridas, and Lady GaGa.

    Maybe I am just a bitchy tease commenter after all.

    • He’s no fool, dear sister-wife. He knows very well what he’s doing. Telling us he feels unloved? Asking for bear hugs? Pairing it with polar bear cub pictures? I’m shocked that he didn’t throw in a tattoo or suit picture for good measure. But that would’ve been overkill – as it is the comments are full of explicit fantasies and lingerie sizes.

      And to completely bastardize his adorable metaphor: what he doesn’t seem to understand is that if he would just step up and poke us with his stick, we wouldn’t have to poke with ours and run off…

      You keep holding those Grand Tetons over his head until you get what you want.*

  18. Crystal said

    Just wanted to give Jordan a virtual hug to shut up his whining. Smiley face.

    I’m getting a headache reading this while in the car so I will refrain from reading the next post until I get home. Which will be in about 3 hours…or maybe I’ll read it now…I’m laughing out loud and everyone in the car with me keeps giving me looks like I’m crazy. It’s awesome.

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