Roy Nelson isn’t fat. He is big bon… nah, he’s fat. And I’m glad he won.

December 7, 2009

Before we start our journey together through the disturbing recesses of my mind, let us begin with a series of questions. You may answer these questions in your head or out loud. If you decide to actually vocalize your answers loud enough that others could possibly hear you, I have one suggestion: follow each answer by saying the word “over”. Doing this will eliminate any bad stigma of talking to yourself in public. Usually a person talking to themselves out and about in public indicates that they are “crazy” and/or “drunk”. If you use the word “over” after what you say a few times then people will deduce that you are simply talking on a hidden walkie-talkie. Using a discreet walkie-talkie is not crazy, just unusual. At the same time, these people will not hear the typical static driven walkie-talkie response and assume you are using an ear piece head set. This will lead them to believe you are considerate.

You can use this method of social blending-in anytime you want. If you are drunk and say something like, “No! You shut up, Papa Smurf!” on a crowded subway train. People will instantly judge you in a negative light because “normal” people do not have arguments with fictional children’s cartoon characters that you are now seeing and hearing because you drank 3/5’s of a bottle of 151. Where as if you said, “No! Over! You shut up, Papa Smurf! Over!” People will think you are having an argument with another person who is using the pretty cool callsign “Papa Smurf” and “Papa Smurf” just told you to shut up a second prior. Again, they will think you are a compassionate enough person to wear an ear piece to alleviate everyone from listening to Papa Smurf’s curse fueled retort. This could also be a nice conversation starter “who is ‘Papa Smurf’?” “what is your callsign?” “why do you have a callsign?” “are you carrying a banana in that pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

It is always preferable for people to believe you are talking on a walkie-talkie than most other things. It means you are not crazy and talking to yourself, you maybe have a cool callsign, you could be a secret agent, you at least do not use up all your cellphone minutes on meaningless calls, and you  potentially have “back-up” on the way at all times. Regardless, onto the questions that may or may not be answered aloud:

1. What is your favorite professional NFL football team?

2. What was said NFL team doing on February 1, 2009?

Answer key:

If your answer for question 1 was any of the 30 NFL teams that are not the Arizona Cardinals or the Pittsburgh Steelers than your answer for question 2 was *ahem*:

FUCKING NOTHING! THEY WERE DOING NOT-A-FUCKING-THING! YOU KNOW WHY!?! BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS! BECAUSE THE SUPERBOWL WAS BEING PLAYED ON FEBRUARY 1ST AND THEY WEREN’T EVEN IN IT!

*ahem*

If your answer for question 1 was the Arizona Cardinals then your answer for question 2 should have been *ahem*:

The Arizona Cardinals were LOSING THE SUPERBOWL! THEY WERE LOSING ONE MORE GAME THAN ANY OTHER TEAM GOT THE CHANCE TO!

*ahem*

If your answer for question 1 was the Pittsburgh Steelers then your answer for question 2 should have been *ahem*:

WINNING THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPERBOWL WAS WHAT THEY WERE DOING!

*ahem*

Anyone who did answer the “Pittsburgh Steelers” can join me for the “Watching the Steelers lose is killing me and there are only two choices I have in life: drinking myself into a coma like a Man or crying with a whimpering lower lip while having my head rubbed by another man as if I was a sissy little girl aka Tim Tebow” cocktail after party. As terrible as it was to watch the Steelers lose on Sunday, it was that exquisite of an experience to watch Timmy Tebow cry on the sidelines on Saturday.  

Oh how glorious it is! I know that there is a high percentage chance some of you may in fact like the University of Florida Gators and with that I DON’T FUCKING CARE! Sports exist in a world outside of friendships, family, and/or compassion for the common man or woman. Listen, I live in New Jersey and have lived here for years upon years. And because of this I have friends who are New York Yankees fans. I know people that I truly would say I “love” that person and would do anything I can to help them and those people are New York Yankees fans. Meanwhile

I HATE THE NEW YORK YANKEES!

You would think that would change our relationship, but it doesn’t. Why? Because sports is just another universe. It is something one can fully invest themselves into during the actual playing of said sport, but when the sport is over that universe can cease to exist. Sometimes it doesn’t, but it can and we can all go back to loving each other. So we can still be friends even if you are a Gators/Tebow fan, but you should know that I enjoy seeing him lose. Sure his evangelical Christian nature annoys me, but more than anything Timmy being with this girl for whatever period of time annoys me so much more.

Originally, I was planning on writing today’s post about MTV’s new reality show entitled Jersey Shore. I am sure you have heard about it considering it is getting a lot of buzz on these fair and unbiased interwebz. But if you have not seen the first two episodes I feel like I would like to afford you that opportunity to witness its sheer brilliance for yourselves before I unravel it like the Gordian Knot it is. You can either watch the show on your teevee or here:

http://www.mtv.com/shows/jersey_shore/video.jhtml

New episodes are on at 10pm on Thursday. I may not be able to hold out long and end up writing about Jersey Shore tomorrow. So prepare yourselves accordingly. I will say one thing to preface my full review and to preface you watching the show or not and to preface any and all prejudice you may currently hold from just hearing about the show or from seeing any of the millions of commercials they have been running for the show:

THOSE IDIOTS ARE NOT FROM NEW JERSEY!

Actually, one of those idiots is from New Jersey. One of the girls, Sammi “Sweetheart”, is from Hazlet, New Jersey. Hazlet? Seriously? That is barely New Jersey to begin with. The rest of “those idiots” are from New York and one is from Rhode Island. Rhode Island!?! Yes, “that” Rhode Island. So when you watch the television show or see commercials for it or hear about it, remember that these people are not from Jersey although the show is called Jersey Shore. More than anything Jersey Shore shows what trash New Yorkers are as well and apparently Rhode Islanders.

I’m not saying that there are not plenty and I mean plenty of people like these idiots in New Jersey who are from New Jersey, but these idiots in particular are not from New Jersey. And that discussion is for later this week if not 24 hours from now. So what will today’s post be about?

Strippers.

Well, Kristen Stewart as a stripper.

So I got “called out” in the comments for not talking about the pictures of Welcome to the Rileys the second they came out last week. Jeez give me a break. I’m sorry that I didn’t mention 4 pictures of Kristen you’ve seen a million times in the past couple days while I was too busy explaining that Jude Law looks like he hits women and showed you the wonders of Coco’s ASS! That was not a sincere apology at all. Sure we all like/love Kristen Stewart et al, but Coco’s ass needed to be discussed. The fact that I had not written about Coco’s ass prior to last Friday disturbs me. I’m off my game. And you are all off your collective games by not saying “why the hell aren’t you talking about Coco’s ass?” everyday that I didn’t mention her ass.

Anyway, Kristen Stewart is a stripper nowadays… in a movie. Her acting career is going quite well, so she hasn’t turned to the pole to make her money… yet. Needless to say I am very excited for Welcome to the Rileys. Why? Whether or not we actually get to see Kristen naked (nipples and butt and such and not just her back), I think this role is infinitely better suited for her than “lonely woods girl” like in Twilight. Kristen’s want has no purpose sleeping in dirt in the forest by herself. Kristen’s want has so many purposes as a stripper/prostitute. Oh how many delicious purposes her want has in those roles.

So does Kristen Stewart want it? Still? Really?

Of-effing-course. Of course she does. Her want is going to be on full display in this movie not only because it always is, but because they’ll actually want her to WANT IT. In the movie it appears she wants it from James Gandolfini. For most actresses this would be an Oscar winning role because acting like you “want it” from Gandolfini is a miraculous task. They nominated Edie Falco for Emmys and Golden Globes every season of The Sopranos for acting like she wanted it from Gandolfini. No one wants it or should want it from James Gandolfini. There are some disturbed people in this world who want things, but they shouldn’t. Some people want to turn 12 year refugees into cannon fodder and AK-47 carrying killers for their African jungle turf wars and some people find James Gandolfini sexually attractive. It is wrong to want these things, but it can’t be helped.

Kristen Stewart’s want will be wildly useful in this movie. Strippers have to look like they want the customers. Or at least the better ones who take a modicum of pride in doing a good job do. They act interested, they act like they think you are cute or sexy, they act like you are funny, they act like what is poking them through your jeans is a Louisville Slugger and not a novelty key chain sized bat and at the end of the dance they act like they aren’t disgusted when they find you have a normal desk job and are not one of the young billionaire types who invented Facebook so you can realistically only pay for one dance and a modest tip instead of pay for their freedom and take them on lavish trips to Dubai. They have to act like they want it with an unflinching resolve and Kristen Stewart can do that. In fact, she does want it with an unflinching resolve and now she is going to burn the art houses at Sundance down with that want.

The plot does seem similar to a bunch of movies. There has been a rash of movies recently with the older man and young girl who just so happens to be a stripper fantasy plots. They also love to add that the guy wants nothing to do sexually with the girl, but he just wants to save/help her. Oh yeah and I fly a dragon to work everyday. He is green, spiky, 60 feet tall, breathes fire and likes to eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. His name is “Mr. Whiskers” because “Ferocior the Death Bringer” was already taken. Either way, I do like the casting of James Gandolfini to some degree. Well, I really like Gandolfini’s choice of going after this role. I’m not sure if he’ll be good in it or not, but I think there is a great opportunity for him to be good in it. Gandolfini does not have a huge acting range in my opinion, but inside that range he can be great. What is the secret to James Gandolfini’s character range?

Dirty fingers.

If James Gandolfini is playing a character that realistically would have dirty fingers then he can be excellent in that role. Before The Sopranos, Gandolfini was a character actor. IMDB says that he had been in 20 projects prior to The Sopranos and he has been in a bunch of stuff since. The roles where I believe Gandolfini excels are in roles where his character would likely have dirty fingers. For instance, 8MM.

8MM is not for every one. It is a dark and disturbing movie. I think it is pretty good though. Gandolfini is great in his side role. His character makes porn movies and he bring in girls who want to be in the porn business and forces them to have sex with him in his office before he puts them in any of the movies. That guy has dirty fingers. Gandolfini was perfect for that role. Seriously, dirty fingers is what Gandolfini’s characters need.

Terminal Velocity, Gandolfini plays a Russian spy/hitman who poses as a friendly guy to Charlie Sheen, but ultimately tries to kill him. Russian? Liar? Killer? Friend of Charlie Sheen? DIRTY FINGERS! Gandolfini was good in that garbage movie. True Romance, Gandolfini plays a hitman for the mob who is tracking down Christian Slater and he is in an epic fight scene where he nearly beats Patricia Arquette to death. Mob hitman? Beats women? DIRTY FINGERS! And, again, he was great. Crimson Tide, Gandolfini plays a Navy submarine guy who sides with Gene Hackman over Denzel Washington. I’m not saying the Navy is dirty, but you can’t be “clean” if you’re living with 50 other dudes on a submarine for months on end. Also there is such an undercurrent of racism in that movie and racists have dirty fingers.

And, finally, The Sopranos! DIRTY FINGERS! Tony Soprano had dirty fucking fingers. I really loved the first season of The Sopranos and then started to dislike it with each additional episode they came out with until I flat out hated the show going into the final two seasons. Nevertheless, James Gandolfini was great on that show in the role they gave him and then for whatever reason decided to never let that character grow and/or change. He was great though, excellent even. Why? Tony had dirty fingers! Are you paying attention!?! He was killing people, he was always drinking at a strip club or hanging out at a butcher shop, he was eating meat cold cuts with his hands all the time, he was smoking cigars, he was firing guns, he was constantly having affairs, he was playing with horses later in the series, he was fat. And you know that Tony Soprano did not carry hand sanitizer with him. This is the key.

Maybe that should be my next site. “James Gandolfini has dirty fingers. He really does.” Brilliant! So I’m looking forward to this movie more than Kristen’s other projects.

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83 Responses to “Roy Nelson isn’t fat. He is big bon… nah, he’s fat. And I’m glad he won.”

  1. PWG said

    1. Steelers
    2. Winning the motherfucking Superbowl

    *sob*

    Pretty soon I’ll get to like them because they’re such underdogs again. That wasn’t as much fun as liking them because they were motherfucking unstoppable winners.

  2. PWG said

    I’m a little vague as to what “dirty fingers” means. Unclean hands and conscience? Or literally fingers that are unwashed? Either way, it’s disturbing and alarming and I don’t want to think of that in any sexual context whatsoever, especially near poor Kristen. I’m fine with Gandolfini’s acting. It’s okay to have a narrow range, if you’re good in that range. For instance, I’m perfectly happy watching Arnold Schwarzenegger as a robot action hero, but nothing else.

  3. tiffanized said

    The only thing better than watching Tim Tebow cry was coming to work this morning and taunting Gators fans about Tim Tebow crying.

    Based on my uneducated, media influenced opinion of people from New Jersey, I found Jersey Shore to be accurate. Are you trying to tell us that you don’t spray tan and refer to your abs as “The Situation”?

    • There is only one “Situation.” He’s called “THE Situation,” not “A Situation” or even “One of Many Situations.” So Jordan couldn’t possibly call himself that. Though I don’t doubt that he has his own nickname – a variation on “situation,” perhaps. The best I (read: MS Word’s synonym list) can come up with is that he refers to his abs as “The State Of Affairs.” I’m also assuming that one of his nine tattoos is the word “Cadillac” down the side of his rib cage. Or maybe “Oldsmobile” or “Toyota” or something slightly less P-I-M-P.

      • Zees84 said

        So to recap.

        Jordan is 6″3 with wrist tatoos that says “strength” and “loyalty”. He has blue eyes and brownish hair, though his leg hair is elfin and blonde. He is very very white.

        This is what we know. Fairly generic.

        Based on his word penis, and our deepest darkest fantasies, we have conjectured that he looks like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory , sounds like either a male version of OR exactly like Janis from Friends calls his abs “The State of Affairs” and one of his remaining seven mystery tattoos says “Oldsmobile” down the side of his rib cage.

        KSWI Jordan, remind me again why I wanted to do you?

      • Lala said

        I agree with Zees84, what we know about KSWI Jordan is really generic. I still think he should talk more about his other tattoos. Over.

      • PWG said

        Lala was the only one who overed. I feel inadequate and showed up. Shown up? Schooled.

  4. Susanelle said

    Hmm, how old are you again? Because it used to be that talking aloud outside while alone was a sign of the crazies, but now everybody’s out there blabbing away at the top of their lungs with no discernible companions nearby, because they are talking on their cell-phones.

    I ignore all blather on the street now. So if you see me going by with the bottom of my coat on fire, you better text me about it, because I’m not listening to your yelling.

  5. PWG said

    There do seem to be a lot of stripper roles for young lady actresses to aspire to. Off the top of my head without any internet searching whatsoever, we have Natalie Portman, Elizabeth Berkley, Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, Salma Hayek, Jessica Alba, Marisa Tomei . . . you know what, this list is depressing me. Suffice to say I think we have enough movie strippers to hold us over for a while.

    • tiffanized said

      Where are the male strippers? Why aren’t we seeing Shia LeBeouf in breakaway pants, or Zac Efron in a pouch front G-string? I want to see Kellan Lutz in a zippered thong, people.

      • PWG said

        You know that little pinhole button on the back of routers, modems, LCD watches, etc.? The one you push with a paperclip to reset everything back to factory default? The mental picture of Shia in breakaway pants just did that to my brain. Great, now I get to learn to drive a stick shift again.

      • campbelld said

        PWG, I think that just happened to a lot of us, but maybe not for the same reasons.
        Homer: But Marge, everytime I learn something new it pushes the old stuff right out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and forgot how to drive?
        Marge: That was becuase you were drunk!
        Homer: And how…
        There is a Simpsons quote for every occasion.

      • PWG said

        I kind of hope it is for the same reasons. You’re right about the Simpsons, too, I was just looking at this quote today:
        Marge: Quick, somebody perform CPR!
        Homer: Umm (singing) I see a bad moon rising.
        Marge: That’s CCR!
        Homer (still singing): Looks like we’re in for nasty weather.

  6. Julienne said

    Even though you were crying that the Steelers lost KSWIJordan, you were probably crying and smiling at the same time, and then laughing at the fact that the Vikes got schooled by the Cardinals last night.

    I can’t believe how cruel you are.

  7. Crystal said

    1. New England Patriots
    2. I have no fucking clue…taking a break after winning COUNTLESS superbowls? Okay maybe not countless…..

    First of all, *ahem* I FUCKING HATE THE FLORIDA GATORS!! HATE HATE HATE!! Sorry….I got carried away.
    Ashley Green loves the Gators….I have found her first flaw.

    I think Kristen looks rough in those pictures. But she wants IT. Oh yes, she does.

  8. kt said

    I don’t care about the NFL. College football I can get behind. I am an alumnus of FSU. My roommate is an alumnus of UF. I spent my Saturday downstairs watching the game on the big HD TV yelling “ROLL TIDE” every couple of minutes while he yelled every obscenity in the book, and a few I think he made up just for the occasion. He left in the 3rd quarter and didn’t come home until almost midnight and then he spouted off some stuff about Bobby Bowden. Whatever. Second winningest coach ever. It’s like trying to talk shit about someones grandpa, it just doesn’t work and it makes you look like an asshole.

    • MLF said

      I can’t even tell you how much your “grandpa” observation made me laugh- it’s soo true. My parents went to FSU and my younger sister goes there as well so suffice to say my family does not care for the gators and loves Bobby Bowden. Personally I don’t get very worked up about teams, I appreciate a good game no matter who’s playing, but whenever people pick on Bobby I’m just like, really? He’s like, super, super old. Pick on someone your own age and leave the poor old guy alone.

      I have to say though, I’ve been to a couple FSU home games this year and dam. FSU is not doing too well. Those students really REALLY love Bobby though.

  9. I watched MTV for the first time last night in literally years. YEARS. I don’t watch reality TV. Or at least I didn’t. I now have every intention of watching every episode of Jersey Shore. What has become of me? I did spend a good chunk of time issuing disclaimers to folks on Twitter that the vast majority of those dbags weren’t even from Jersey, but I think it’s going to take a lot more than the two of us to save this blessed state’s reputation after this.

    Didn’t James Gandolfini play a gay hit man in some movie? The Mexican, I think? That and voicing “Carol” in Where The Wild Things Are are his only non-mobster-esque roles that I can think of… No shame in getting paid millions for playing the same character a hundred times so long as you do it well. Hello, let me introduce you to what I assume is Michael Cera’s master plan. He’s 4 years younger than me and more successful than I will ever be, so I’m not one to criticize anyone’s career path.

    Football, oddly enough, was the only thing that helped me through Sunday. I don’t think I’ve ever actually said that before. But it’s the truth. I got stuck going back out to my Grandparents’ again for a birthday celebration. My brother and I entertained ourselves by staring at the ESPN app on his phone. We then entertained ourselves by taking turns driving my Grandma’s Rascal and my Grandpa’s Jazzy. I’m 25. Good times, folks.

  10. kt said

    Stealing your grandparents scooters for joyrides is totally normal. My brother and I always end up taking turns making donuts in the front yard on my grandpa’s Rascal when we are forced to attend family gatherings. After awhile my grandpa threatens to make us go choose switches from the tree out back. That threat doesn’t hold as much water as it did when we were little unfortunately.

    • kt said

      oops that was a reply to HB. Obvs.

    • Well at least I’m not alone… My Grandpa doesn’t threaten to beat us, namely because he’s too busy making death threats against my Grandma. Yesterday was electrocution and repeatedly saying he’d “stimulate her with a 2×4.” All I heard in my mind was “asterisk asterisk asterisk” throughout that conversation. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to describe it. I blame all of you – KSWI Jordan and common taters alike – for being overly sensitive to “that’s what she said” opportunities these days.

      • MLF said

        Yeah, as soon as I read 2×4 I was looking for those asterisks. I take full blame for my own corruption though, since I have been “TWSS”ing since wayyyy before it would have been age appropriate for me to be doing so.

    • tiffanized said

      Curse my grandparents’ functional legs!

  11. Zees84 said

    Before I get to the real meat of my comment, I want to say that the girl in the picture with Timmy (I’ve never heard his name before. I assume he goes by Tim, but I, like you, think he looks more like a Timmy with tears streaming down his face) looks (choose one)

    A: like a really wholesome evangelical Christian girl who is married to Jesus and worships at the Lakewood Church in Houston which used to be the Summit where the Rockets played when I was growing up there.

    B: like she would fit right in with the girls on Jersey Shore.

    C: really really smart.

    Now then,

    Something is different about today. I’m trying to put my finger on it*…you seem both aggressive but also calm, and for a Monday, after watching the Steelers lose, I can understand the aggression, but not the calm. I have a theory about what happened this weekend.

    I think you got laid.

    I know I shouldn’t automatically assume it was one of your common taters, but since I don’t know every single woman who would have been in or around New Jersey over the weekend, I am going to narrow the options to the lovely ladies of these here comments.

    I know it wasn’t me. I know who would have told me if it was them, and I received no emails detailing KSWI Jordan’s six inches in front of her face.

    I have my theories. I’m looking at you. Not you, CampbellD.

    Fess up lady (ladies? that would be impressive).

    • Crystal said

      Hmmm…I think you might be on to something.

      It wasn’t me. Damn it.

      • Zees84 said

        I know, m’dear. But the consolation prize is that you were in Houston when it snowed! I miss my hometown sometimes.

    • MLF said

      Honestly, when I look at that picture all I am thinking is “there is no way those boobs are real.” I mean honestly, they may be. It could be possible. But not probable.

      also,wow. Once again I am in awe of your astute comment-that is a powerful theory. I too thought today’s post had a different tone to it than previous monday posts but couldn’t put my finger on it* as you did. And the more I think about it the more I think you are right. And I know it definitely wasn’t me, as I live in Florida and did not travel at all this weekend, so now I am in severe suspense about A- whether Jordan really got laid, and B- if it really was a common tater, and C- if today’s post was different because he got laid, or if it was just a coincidence.

      Which leads to more wondering- how often does kay swidge get laid? I mean yes he has proclaimed himself as single, but being single and getting laid are not mutually exclusive. Or inclusive. So possibly he has been getting laid this whole time without the common taters knowing.

      At this point I honestly spend more time wondering about KSWIJ’s love/sex life more than Robsten/Nonsten’s

    • Crystal said

      I know! That was pure luck. I live in Dallas but I had gone to Houston for a concert and got lucky enough to see the snow. It was beautiful. I will say the town is lacking something though..oh yeah, it’s you.

    • campbelld said

      Maybe I sent hookers to his place? YOU DONT KNOW!

  12. Amy D said

    HA HA HA, certain parts of your post killed me KSWI Jordan. You know the ones, great times.

    • Amy D said

      work is so insane that I really did forget the ‘*’ when speaking of Jordan’s post killing me. However, I will assume that for most taters it is simply inserted where needed. *

  13. TDawn said

    “Jeez give me a break.” KSWI Jordan is channeling the evil that shall remain nameless around these comments section. I hear cake is the cure.

  14. TDawn said

    I did not see “Big Country” whoop some ass.
    I did not watch the Steelers los.. *ahem* PLAY this weekend (I still want to come to your cocktail party).
    I have never seen an episode of The Sopranos.
    I did not see Jersey Shore, but it does sound intriguing.
    Sooo…I’m trying to figure out if you’re more like Brainy Smurf or Jokey Smurf. I don’t remember a Sexy Smurf. Plus, I think Smurfette totally Wanted It.
    Also, when in need of a callsign, my go to is LostSheep.

  15. MLF said

    I did not watch Jersey Shore, nor am I going to. Even though you provided the link, just like the other day when you said something along the lines of, “this is a big deal. You should go watch this.” I didn’t then, and I’m not going to now. You can’t make me. Picture me sticking my toungue out at you right now, that’s how mature I am.

    No,but in all seriousness, I don’t watch TV. Yes I know what you’re thinking. I can tell you are totally calling shenanigans on me right now but that’s the honest truth. My TV gets turned on once a week on Monday nights for an hour when I watch Gossip Girl (yes, lame, I know. But I started the book series like ten years ago and I’m hooked like a fish. Or a crack addict. whatever) Anyways the point is I don’t watch tv, and I don’t really have time to even if I wanted to. Normally if I get any down time I will spend it reading, or doing other less honorable delinquent activites. To me, TV is just a waste of time I could be spending either using or destroying my brain.

    Last February 1st I was competing in an intercollegiate horse show. It was lame. My team sucked that day, myself included. And I probably wasn’t even aware that there was a superbowl going on. I’m not really into the NFL- I just don’t find it as exciting as college football. I mean they are all paid a lot of money to be good, and my favorite part of college ball is how green some of the players are and how emotions can really affect the game.

    And lastly- I am sooooo excited to see Kristen Stewart play a stripper. And I hadn’t seen those pictures before so thank you for showing them. And yes she does look pretty rough in them but I think she looks pretty good as a hot mess. /rant.

    • Crystal said

      I hadn’t seen them either so I was glad to be exposed.*

      That right there is the first time I’ve done the asterisk. Awesome.

      I like Gossip Girl. We are sad together.

  16. campbelld said

    First of all, I understood very little of this post. At least your were talking about the Cardinals and the Steelers two teams who I know, slightly. Keep in mind that I am Australian. You couldnt mention any Aussie Football Teams, (unless perhaps you have seen Eric Bana going mental in Funny People. P.S that is his favourite team in RL and all that stuff on the walls was his. He is almost that obsessed.) Then Jersey Shore. I dont have pay/cable. I have no idea. Finally James Gandolfini and his dirty fingers. I get that. It’s that scene where his big, fat, meaty fingers slid around a girls shoulders and she tries to twist away but…dirty fingers.
    KS playing a stripper. She does have that correct mix of looking like a substance abuser and having an absent father. Also she Wants It, which is a bonus.

    With the comment about todays post completed and me having been sadly absent recently, I will now proceed to post the comments that I retrospectively wrote the other day. They might not make all that much sense now, but hey. You deserve it.

    Nov 26
    No experienced required. Sweet, sweet words. If only just above, ‘references not required’. Because I know virtually no one outside my own family who think me responsible and/or is a reliable judge of character. I must stop associating with crackheads if I want to get a job in the Public Service/Police Force/Intelligence Agency.
    That was not a joke. You just discovered things about my life.
    Also, watering driveways makes us poor Australians feel pretty bad. We are deep into a drought-more than a decade now. We have pretty much no water left and all the rivers are running dry and city dwelling idiots keep telling us to build more dams. THERE IS NO WATER TO FILL THEM, SHITHEADS!
    Water conservation and people not vaccinating their kids. Two subjects I will one day murder someone over.

    Nov 27
    There is peace in the minutia of ritual. Did you also explore Buddhism for a while, before you decided that selfishness and commercialism were far too much fun to give up? Because that is a central tenet.
    Also, fffffffffffffffffffffffffuck. I was leaning forward, seeing who was going to cop it and who would make it back inside. Pity this is a dream. Also, gotta love brutal violence. I haven’t written a piece of brutal violence in ages, not since I had my courageous version of myself, (a side character in one of my own novels), lead a valiant defence of a palisade against a superior force to save the life of a fugitive Lizard prince. Really, really. I should write up my urban despair stuff. That would be fun.

    Nov 30
    You see, while I am sorry for you and the Steelers I am jealous you have sport to watch like that right now. It is not Footy season here and barracking for the Aussie Cricket team is not quite the same. Everyone around me agrees with me, you see. It is the national team, so everyone is behind them, except for some douches that live here and have citizen ship but still insist on calling England, ‘The Motherland’ not standing for the national anthem and rubbishing the Aussie team at every opportunity.
    I hate not having the Hawks to support right now, is my point.
    Also, we don’t get Thanksgiving. I usually have to reserve the food overload for Christmas, when I can work my way through a Ferreo Roche pyramid and then collapse in my cousins loft playing games like Gun or Black for about four hours.
    The scene in the teachers louge destroyed me. My folks are both teachers and this was not far from the truth. Dad’s school is alright, because most the teachers have been there for ages and it is quite small. But mums school is massive and has a huge turnover rate and is filled with idiots. Like people who had to be told that singlets and thongs (flip-flops) were not appropriate teaching attire. Or that G-Strings should not be visible. And she comes home and vents to us everyday, which is highly amusing.
    Wow, I’m telling you quite a bit about myself over here.

    Dec 1
    I was so drunk this day. My brother and I drove into town, got a whole lot of beer and a bottle of bourbon, then went and sat in amongst the sand and the sun-scorched Banksia’s and drank for half the night. Parents were annoyed, but it was worth it. This is why it was funny that you called us Wino’s. Because the only time I went into town on my holiday was to get booze.
    Also, awesome, movie reviews.
    Also, I am stealing the line ‘gimme the mike so I can take it away,’ which is probably not yours, but hey, whatevers.’
    If I go through all of these movies it will be pointless, also, I will probably miss them all, because they will be ending in the States when I get there, but starting in Aus. Also, I still haven’t seen Zombieland and it’s been out for at least three days here. As has Where the Wild Things Are. Which was partly filmed in my hometown. I’m thinking my cousins to see it, my younger cousins. I think it would be a good date movie, but most of the girls I see have been closing their curtains lately.
    No, seriously, I doubt I could convince any girl to agree to come to the movies with me, on her own. Sad.
    Also Saorise Rowan was the best part of that movie about Houdini, where Hugh Jackman was Houdini and Catherine Zeta-Jones was a con artist. I predict a bright future for that kid.
    ‘I once saw this show about dissecting kittens.’ Was just scanning comments. That jumped out at me (so did other things but I won’t go through them all) Cheers, Zees.

    Dec 2
    I am also a Broken Lizard fan. Is that Micheal Clarke Duncan at the back? I have a problem with him being used a comedic foil. Dude is a great actor. He shouldn’t be a joke just cos he’s a big guy. They should leave that to Lou Ferrigno. Also Beerfest is a great drinking movie. And by drinking movie, I mean ‘make your own drinking seem woefully inadequate but still inspire you to greater efforts, like passing out on the trampoline and waking up having one side of your face patterned and the other one sunburnt because it is now about midday and you have been slowly cooking for several hours.’
    I won’t talk about most of these, only that I think Avatar will be disappointing and that Holmes will be idiotic, but fun. Also, Robert Downy Jnr is awesome.

    Dec 3
    I have no idea what Top Chef is (I mean I know it’s a TV show about food, but I’ve never heard of it before now and I’ll just assume it’s a show were chefs have to compete to please the Babylonian God of Chaos Tiamat and those that fail him are themselves consumed in a bloody, yet hilarious sacrifice. Or something like that.) And I don’t know who these people are. But I’m running with it. Once again, I am impressed with your ability to talk about boobs. They’re great.
    Also, what the hell movie is that picture from? WHAT THE HELL? Why does the young guy have eighties pants? Why is Colonel Sanders there? How does KS want it when she is too young too? So many questions.

    Dec 4
    I saw this thing the other day that was a Chuck Norris Style list about Coco’s arse. ‘Coco’s arse can touch MC Hammer’ ‘Coco’s arse is better than sliced bread, before and after it’s invention’ And etc. Very few of them made any sense.
    You didn’t get a sticker for giving blood? I got a damn badge. A metal one, for crying out loud. Granted, they only give you one, but we rock over here. Then again, we can’t get paid for giving blood. Otherwise I would be draining my arms right now.
    This might be a dangerous rift between us Jordan. I love Pirates. I love the first one so much it hurts sometimes. I still like most of the others, even if they are kind of retarded at times. Also Keira Knightly is a fucking badass. Which is one of the reasons they work. Also I like Keira Knightly because she said the best part about Pirates was that she got wear a corset and have boobs. She was so jazzed about it. It was funny.
    For a while they tried doing this Australian dubbing on the Iron Chef episodes. It was just bad. Even worse than when they did it to Mythbusters. Americans really have voice over and commentary down pat. We are still learning, tripping over our own feet like babies and recently rehabilitated spinal injury patients.
    You just made me want to watch Closer. Jude Law does look kinda evil. Road to Perdition works so well because of it. He is so fucking disgusting in that film. And I reckon he basically played himself in Gattaca.
    And that’s where I’ll finish. This is fucking epic. When do I put it up? My Tuesday, your Monday? I guess. I don’t think it would be fair to do it know, especially when most wouldn’t get to read it.

  17. cledbo said

    Football (or Gridiron as we call it, seeing as we have 3 other types of football here as well) is still completely beyond me, but grown men crying is always a plus in my book.

    Everything I know about Jersey Shore I saw on the Soup. Probably everything I will ever know about that show will be from Mr McHale. Sexy sexy redhead that he is. A chick with back fat stripped down to her undies, got into a spa/jacuzzi and started grinding on the guidos already in there. I threw up in my mouth a little.

    Kristen Stewart wants some eye makeup remover.

    Crimson tide*, teeheehee.

    It’s my last day at work for the year!! It’s nearly 90 degrees outside! I had to google a celcius to farenheit converter to figure that out, you imperialist-measurement swine!! Too many exclamations, I might explode*!

    • Amy D said

      Today it is so cold I began to wonder what specific temperature would freeze the mucous membrane of your eye. I have also begun to wonder if perhaps 90 degrees if just a fairy tale that I will never have the pleasure of seeing become a reality. Thank you for rubbing it in. *

      • PWG said

        It was -3F when I was shoveling snow this morning, and I’ll tell you that eye-freezing temperature is some number higher than that. Luckily I was looking forward at the horizon when they congealed so I could keep working by bobbing my head.*

      • cledbo said

        You’re welcome.
        I’m about to move to a place that generally has a solid week of 45+ degree temps with no rain for months. (That’s celcius. 113 farenheit according to my trusted friend google).

        I’m not sure if having your eyeballs melt into sizzling puddles on the footpath in front of you is really preferable to freezing mucous membranes, however both are pretty unpleasant when you get down to it.

        God bless cold cold things. By which I mean air conditioning. Not mobile hunks of marble purporting to be romantic suitors for teenage girls.

  18. aneira said

    okay so i was just creepin around the site and found this quote..
    “You’re either born with it or not, and by it, I mean the innate ability to know IT when you see it.”
    so true.
    everybody at this site sees it obviously, but my friends dont really see it. one does but she doesnt like reading so therefore doesnt understand the full extent and everyone else just thinks im crazy. wtf? how do people miss it? and they dont get what IT is and god its really frustrating. so ive decided to test the ability of the world. i will start a facebook page

    what do you think?
    ill make the page. how should i title it? itll probably be a total fail of a page but i just wanna see how people respond

  19. McDamy said

    The FSU Seminoles are my one-true-love in life (wore black last week). As for the NFL, I am a Dol-fan…making it absolutely tragic when I am forced to root for Nick Saban (two years in a row). My sister is a Gator and let me know now she has an idea how I feel…b! Tebow is absolutely gay! He is friends with Kenny Chesney and that girl is obviously a beard. There is no crying in football. He will have to stop crying after losses when he drafted by the Chicago Bears like all other Gator QBs.
    Anyway, the Dolphins were probably kicking it in South Beach on January 1 b/c Chad Pennington was the QB and is hardly capable of a Super Bowl run. We were teased more than once about getting Brees down here and it never happened.
    As for me, I was at Raymond James Stadium with my Steeler-fanatic cousin who scored us gifted tickets in the corner of the endzone near the Holmes TD catch and the ship mast. Good times!!! I wore the black & gold that day – that weekend actually as she brought an extra Ward jersey.
    Love this blog…

  20. Zees84 said

    KSWI Jordan, PLEASE tell me you are watching HIMYM right now and saw this PSA (paraphrased):

    “What’s the best thing to get your wife for Chanukah? A pap smear. Because just a schmear can really light up her menorah.”

    I wish I was kidding.

  21. aneira said

    okay, i made it. i made the facebook page.
    its really small and pathetic
    so everybody search it and join please, it would make me infinitely happy

    • Crystal said

      Done. Smiley Face.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Me too. Just a face.

      • Zees84 said

        Maybe Jordan almost but didn’t get laid this weekend. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be a fucking idiot by putting all that identifying information out there for all his obsessive fans to find.

      • Facebook’s servers are probably crashing with the frenzy this just caused. It also makes my “finding” jokes decidedly more creepy… So I guess I’ll have to retire them.

        RIP O:F&B

        Time to find a new dead horse to beat.*

        (creepy asterisk use, huh?)

      • Zees84 said

        Ironic. Jordan gives out the info we need, and we retire the plan.

        I’m pretty sure that is exactly not what he wanted.

      • aneira said

        is it weird that i friend requested you guys? feel free to deny me (i mean i would too, i look like a psychopathic vampire)
        grr i feel bananas right now.

      • tiffanized said

        It’s thrown us all for a loop, aneira. I accepted your request.

      • Crystal said

        Damn. And I thought I was clever for noticing Jordan in the “fans” list….that was stupid of me.

      • Crystal said

        PS: I was nervous about showing my face as well as it is not a pretty face and I think I had you guys convinced I was some super hot chick.

        No?

        Oh well….then it’s cool.

        Purple’s cool.

      • tiffanized said

        You’re lovely, Crystal. In fact, we’re all pretty cute. I’m impressed with our collective cuteness.

      • Crystal said

        Aren’t you sweet. I always knew you were cute. Because I’m psychic.

        Or because your little icon is you, one of the two.

    • cledbo said

      I almost want to, but then everyone will know what my head looks like.

      I’m not ready to add that to the frankly looney stuff I get to come out with on this board.

      Sorry aneira, my love for KSWI and its prolific author will remain as closeted as my Twi-tardedness.

    • TDawn said

      “World’s Are Colliding!”

    • Freya said

      Hmmm, joining the KSWI Facebook group. I’m torn. (And I feel like that needs an asterisk, but then again that’s very gross if it does.) Should I remain closeted? Will the fact that I’ve joined this group show up on my feed? Will my friends discover my obsessions which I have worked so hard to conceal? I have to ponder. But I’m always a fan, whether I acknowledge it on FB or not.

      • campbelld said

        Hell, I’ve brought KSWI into other people’s lives. They are used to me by now. If I dont do something like this every now and again they get disapointed.

    • MLF said

      whoah, I leave the computer for a couple hours and come back to total anarchy..

      oh goody, now everyone can see how slutty/crazy/weird I am in real life?

      This is totally odd feeling but whatevs. I’m in.

      I feel like Meg Ryan sitting in that restaraunt in You’ve Got mail. Only even wierder since I’ve not only told one guy I want to find and bang him but I’ve also pleged my love for twenty women I’ve never met and said I want to marry them and rub my boobs on theirs and all kinds of fun things.

  22. dmtl said

    WOW.

    I missed a lot of stuff in the blog this week.
    Jordan´s posts were awesome, as usual. And he wrote so many funny and/or interesting things I couldn´t possibly review them all here(congrats on giving blood,though.I´ve only just recently been allowed by law to give blood, because of my age, but I don´t think I ever will.For some reason giving blood…I mean, I faint doing blood tests,don´t know why since I´m not scared of blood nor needles). Please show us your other tattoos.I have a wrist one myself and was sooo excited when you showed yours! But moving on…

    I joined the facebook page as well. Feels weird to know what some of you look like.

    And finally : don´t retire OP:F&B!!!! It makes me , and many others I´m sure,really laugh . I´m positive it´ll only get funnier now that it can be creepier.

  23. AmyAlmost said

    I am so jealous about your dragon.

    American football isn’t really my thing and I don’t think I could name a team… But it’s nice to know that guys run around with all the padding on with the tiny ball to throw. I think getting drunk with people who like sports is fun though, I like to shout at TV’s or people in stadiums.

  24. Crystal said

    What the hell Jordan? It’s almost 1 o’clock! Where is my post??!! I mean, OUR post. Over.

  25. TDawn said

    I knew it. This whole blog business was just a master plan for Jordan to get more FB friends. Next stop, World Domination!

  26. Sergey said

    Thank you, very interesting thoughts. Sure you check to see you again.

  27. This is a exellent resource. Ill visit again.

  28. Frank kern said

    What is the purpose of this post if you don’t mind me asking?

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