It is pronounced “guh-wee-dough” – Part I

December 8, 2009

Sometimes life gets in the way of my schedules

Let’s be honest here. There is no fucking way I am going to be able to limit this discussion of the first two episodes of MTV’s Jersey Shore to one post. Ostensibly, I will cover the basics in this post. I will introduce you to each of the eight lovely cast members and explain what happened in the first episode. I watched the second episode last night with pen and paper in hand taking notes. I had to put the pen down at points because there was just too many things that were noteworthy. Tomorrow’s post will be dedicated to the illustrious eight’s exploits in episode number dos. Every second of episode 2 is mind-blowing priceless. Also there will be an in-depth discussion of the quick shot of one of the girls (Snooki) getting punched right in the face in the “previews” for this upcoming season. This should have you more than well prepared for watching the new episode which will air at 10 pm on Thursday on MTV.

Now the question is, do the cast members of Jersey Shore want IT?

BLAM! This is the Jersey Shore, baby. Of  course they fucking want it. Hey Vinnie Boombots, FUH-GEDD-UH-BOUT-IT!

Oh my God! I love it already! Don’t you love it already? What is not to love? They’re all tan, the guys are jacked up steroid abusers with lots of hair gel, the girls are mildly attractive at best, each guy is wearing a necklace, three of the four of them have crosses on those chains, and they’re at SEASIDE! Yes, indeed they are at Seaside, New Jersey and God bless them for it. If you are unaware of MTV’s previous True Life episodes (with an “S”) about having a shore house in Seaside then you have missed out on an endless well of entertainment. MTV also had one of their summer beach houses at Seaside one year (two?) as well.

What’s so special about Seaside, NJ? To begin with… Everything. Seaside is a Mecca for beach drunkenness day and night. In the summer, people from the tri-state area descend upon Seaside to fulfill all their hedonistic desires. And with that, a self-fulfilling prophecy is made and people tend to get more insane than usual. Seaside is similar to Atlantic City and Las Vegas in that sense. People have an expectation of the wild and because of that people do get wild, they let their guard down, they drink 8x as much et cetera. But replace the gambling and shows for swimsuits, boardwalk games and lots of dancing.

Primarily, there are two areas to go to for the craziness: boardwalk and the clubs. The Seaside boardwalk is littered with litter. Literal trash. Seaside is not clean per say. They have boardwalk games where you can win cigarettes. The boardwalk is a mess of lights and store fronts like bar, food, shirt shop, game, food, bar, tattoo/piercing, shirt shop, game, food, bar and so on until you are dead at the end of it with Miller Lite and funnel cake oozing out of your freshly inked tramp stamp or tribal weave. Notable bars: Saw Mill, Beachcomber, Spicy’s, and not literally on the boardwalk, but near it Captain Hook’s. The second area of Seaside is the clubs.

The club scene in Seaside would make Caligula wet himself with glee. It is beyond belief the absurdity of these places. The boardwalk bars tend to have a rich variety of people. The bars tend to be cheaper, if you don’t like one it is very easy to move to another, there is more to do on the boardwalk, there is food, and when you need a break from the deafening music you can easily step outside because none of the bars are big. This is not the case for the clubs. Once you make the move that you are going to a club, you have made that decision for life. Besides what you see in there you can’t unsee, but once you are in it is hard to get out*.

I love it! The club in the background is Bamboo. I have been there countle- actually a dozen times. I can count to a dozen. Bamboo aka The Boo is ginormous. The Boo is also the battleground for a big chunk of the second episode. Unless you know somebody who works at The Boo, most likely you will need to stand on a long line to get in. Same goes for most of the clubs. The clubs are pretty much on one long stretch of road that is flanked by police and the drunkest idiots you have ever seen in your life wearing the most expensive yet cheap looking clothes ever. I can understand, I don’t condone, spending hundreds of dollars on a leather jacket. Why? Because that jacket will potentially live longer than you. But a t-shirt? Jeans? Spending a hundred dollars on a gold flaked t-shirt is ridiculous. That t-shirts are meant to be disposable. Jeans as well.

The clubs are all pretty much the same: big, dance floors, expensive, insanely loud music, a million people, wet and sticky floors from spilled drinks and spilled other “things”. The Boo is/was very popular. It is probably the biggest of the clubs physically. It is has a large indoor area, a second floor, and the famous outdoor courtyard area. The place also stays open until like 4 am, where as almost all Jersey bars close at 2 am. The Boo also serves a drink that is in a big hexagonal fish bowl which is filled with every clear liquor you can imagine. The idea is to share, but why share when with enough courage you can drink the whole thing until you are retarded. Nowadays the most popular club is Hemingway’s and I expect to see it soon on Jersey Shore.

Now you’ve seen two really classy pictures of the cast, you’ve heard how classy the Seaside area is, and I think it is about time to meet these classy classy motherfuckers. As mentioned yesterday, these cast members are not from the Jersey Shore and only one of them is actually from New Joisy. One term for them would be “B.E.N.NYs” and another would be “human garbage”. But first, “BENNY”. B – Bayonne, E – Elizabeth, N – Newark, NY – New York. Basically a BENNY is someone a Northerner not from the Jersey Shore area who comes to the shore during the summer. Human Garbage? We’ll get to that. Up first, THE GUIDOS!

YES! For whatever reason, the term “guido” which was a racial epithet and then became a run-of-the-mill insult is now being adopted by these idiots. Hairgel, blowouts and fade haircuts, tribal tattoos, tan beyond the color of orange, steroid big biceps, fist pumping, dancing, arrogant beyond the IQ of stupid, no shirts, and everything Italians should have pride about. Let’s meet these loveable goofballs, I mean “goombahs” (left to right).

DJ Pauly D. From where? Rhode Island! I love it. Everyone wants to stereotype that these morons are from New Jersey then Long Island then New York and, in fact, this guy is from RHODE ISLAND. Brilliant. Pauly is covered in tattoos and his hair is fascinating. He wears his Cadillac tattoo with such pride. In the first episode, Pauly doesn’t do anything all that amazing outside of his physical appearance. He has a much bigger role in episode 2. Pauly is one of the older cast members at 28/29. His bio says he is the most popular DJ in Rhode Island. Sure, why not? Does he want it? DJ Pauly D just wants a nice classy fake boobed, tan, dyed hair, slutty, Italian girl who he can spin his turntables with*, so yeah he wants it.

This guy, BREAK OUT STAR! This next sentence will change your life:

His real name is “Mike”, but everyone (including himself) calls him “The Situation”.

YES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! YES! I FUCKING LOVE AMERICA!

“The Situation”! The Situation refers to himself in third person regularly which never gets old. “The Situation” is seemingly referring to his muscular upper body which is not to be confused with his tiny legs. The Situation is apparently loved by or he “will force you to love” him. Amazing! RAPE! The Situation is already the most beloved character of this show on the internet. In the first episode, he ends up going after one of the female cast members (kind of surprising, right?). They hold hands a lot and make a lot of Junior High-esque flirty eye contact. The Situation is so in love with himself that he makes Lex Luger’s character “The Narcissist” seem like a self-loathing goth cutter.

In some regard I hope The Situation is a joke. I hope it is an alter ego that this guy Mike came up with knowing that idiot girls like his roommates would sex with. I can see that. I can see a guy who was not popular seeing that there is a place in society for these type of people and he has spent time and energy achieving this fantasy. He has taken steroids and pumped up his biceps beyond belief, he has tanned himself and primped himself beyond belief and he walks around acting like an arrogant effeminate gorilla. In the end, he gets chicks and he is on a TV show. But that is very optimistic. The Situation probably just exists like all the other people like him. They actually think this is cool and a good lifestyle and that everyone else doesn’t shake their head at them as they walk by like “that is the trash of the next generation”. But we all love The Situation as well as these other cast mates because they are infinitely entertaining.

What would your reaction be if I said this guy was “the brains” of the house? I honestly think Ronnie is the smartest of these people. Not smartest like he would do the best on an SAT because none of them would do well on the SATs, but Ronnie uses his brain the best. He has tons of common sense. He sees what is going on, he sees the consequences and he says it to. That is not unique in the outside world, but in this house with these types it is. Ronnie correctly predicts not only what will transpire in the first episode, but also what will transpire in the second episode. He is gd FUTURE SEER! What are the winning lotto numbers Ronnie!?! Tell me!

The big drama from the first episode is 100% correctly predicted by Ronnie. Pauly, The Situation and Vinny (the next guy) are watching girls walk by on the boardwalk from the rooftop patio of the house. They spot three girls and ask them to come up. Ronnie says most astutely that bringing outside girls into the house will piss off the girls who live in the house. Also, this is the second night they are in the house. The guys say fuck it. The girls come up, get in the hot tub, get drunk, naked, and mess around with the guys. Ronnie joins in. Ronnie understands the cause and effect, but that does not mean he won’t party. Eventually, Ronnie goes downstairs to the kitchen for beer. While down there he runs into two of the girls in the house, Sammi and Angelina. The two girls put on a guise of wanting to go upstairs out of sheer curiosity. Again most astutely, Ronnie states that the girls are going upstairs to make it awkward and to pick a fight. BOOM! Ronnie is a genius! Bitches hatin’ Bitches! Ronnie has seen this happen before, he has remembered it and he can spot it happening again. He is like Charles Woodson jumping a pass to the slot receiver and taking to the endzone. Except, he can’t stop the girls from going upstairs because you can’t reason with bitches. They go upstairs, make it awkward, pick a fight et cetera. Ronnie is a genius. Ronnie also plays quite a pivotal role in episode 2.

What’s the word? Boring. Completely out of place is Vinny. He is not nearly as tan, musclely or have enough hair for gelling purposes. He goes to college and lives with his parents. In the first episode they actually show that his mother still cuts his food for him. Yeah. Vinny has relatively no role in the first episode and a minor one in the second. Vinny is probably the “smartest” of them in one degree, but at the same time he is dumber than them because he does not fit in and is trying to fit in so hard. One of my favorite quick parts of the first episode did involve Vinny, but it also involves one of the girls so I’ll talk about that when we get to her. Vinny does have a minor story line in the second episode that is funny. Nevertheless, Vinny is pretty tame compared to the others.

THE GUIDETTES

I did not know female guidos called themselves “guidettes”. I also didn’t know guidos really called themselves guidos, but whatevah! Generally speaking, the term “stellas” was how I and others I know referred to elegant women that resemble these four. Up first,

Jenni or you may know her as J-Woww, is very entertaining character in the second episode. She is also the second half to that Vinny funniness. When each roommate enters the house they need to choose a room. Most rooms need to be shared. They all show up in a staggered format. First was The Situation then Pauly then Sammi (I think) and then Vinny. The Situation and Pauly are rooming together. However the set-up of the rooms are, Vinny could either snag a single room or wait on another cast member to be his roommate. He is unsure what to do. He initially puts his bags in a room with a second bed and decides if the next person who comes in looks cool then he’ll leave his bags, if not then he’ll move his bags. J-Woww is the next roommate to show up! At first glance, J-Woww has big fake breasts, tan, tattoos, was wearing little amounts of clothes, dyed streaky hair. I thought Vinny was going to be all over rooming with her. I misjudged Vinny. After two seconds of seeing her, Vinny makes a mad dash for his bags and throws them into the single room, atta-boy Vinny.

J-Woww enters the Jersey Shore house with a boyfriend waiting at home. Her boyfriend is worried she will cheat on him. Her boyfriend is not Nostradamus, but seriously take a wild guess if she cheats on him or not.

Delusional. By far the majority of the times you hear Angelina talk it some how comes around to her stating how she is A. all natural, B. curvy, C. beautiful, D. better than everyone else. A. who would think any of that is fake. B. correct. C. incorrect. D. incorrect again. Well 1 out of 4 ain’t bad, right? Angelina also has a boyfriend who is worried about her cheating on him. Much like Ronnie and J-Woww’s boyfriend, we can all accurately predict what will happen with Angelina at this house. Angelina also led the parade up to the rooftop deck to create the awkward situation with the other girls and the fight later. Angelina is a classic example of bitches hatin’ bitches. In the second episode she states that she loves being a cock block. Wonderful. What a truly wonderful person she must be? Self-entitlement and a “hater”, two amazing qualities to have when you offer nothing in return.

Snooki! Or Snickers! Or Snuckems? Her name is Nicole and she goes by the nickname “Snooki”. When was it decided we all needed nicknames? Not even a normal nicknames, but a nickname I can only imagine calling a four legged animal and not a person. Snooki? I definitely could see a woman naming her Chihuahua “Snooki” or at least calling it “Snooki”, but its real name is “The Countess Queen Snezell the Fierce VIII”. Snooki has to be sub 5 feet tall and refers to herself as the “Princess of Poughkeepsie” which by all other standards would be the Chief Mongoloid of the Mongoloids of the Mongoloid country. Nothing against the people of Poughkeepsie or at least the ones who read this blog. I am sure you were unaware of her reign as your “princess”. And she is a princess.

The first episode she immediately started pounding shots once in the house. Seemingly within a couple hours or minutes she began kissing and grinding on Ronnie and Pauly and then a bar stool and eventually a lawnmower. She also tried kissing some of the girls, shock me shock me. When the party moved upstairs to the hot tub (or at least the guys went up there), Snooki made her presence known as well as the contours of her own “situation” by getting into the hot tub in her underwear and bra. She proceeded to try and force sex on each guy in the hot tub who did not return the sentiments. She leaves them because they’re not giving her attention. She passes out and is left at the house while the rest of the house goes and walks along the boardwalk. There is a priceless series of scenes of her trying to operate the phone which for whatever reason is shaped like a mallard. Needless to say, the next morning when they all wake up to go to their first day of work (just like the Real World they have a random job, which is to work at a t-shirt store) Snooki spends the morning vomiting in the toilet. I forget why she was interacting with Sammi, but Sammi told her she didn’t want to help her because she had “vomit breath” and with that Sammi…

… is a bitch. She actually introduces herself as “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet”. Fantastic! Of course, that is exactly what I want to meet: a bitch. Why can’t she just fucking be the sweetest “girl” I’ve ever met or sweetest “woman” or “person”. No, she’s the sweetest BITCH I’ve ever met. I hate people like Sammi “Sweetheart”. I have met several people in life who have introduced themselves to me as an “asshole”, “bitch”, “mean” or something of the like. Why? How about you try and not be mean? Oh, I’m just a mean person. Then get the fuck away from me. I don’t want to know mean people. I don’t want to meet a “new” mean person. I wish AIDS on you “mean”, “asshole”, “bitch” people.

Back to this bitch in particular, Sammi and The Situation hit off in the begin seemingly. They hit on each other, hold hands, tease et cetera. It is an immortal love that is already blossoming amongst these two within the first minutes of meeting each other. Could this love truly last forever? Could it even last through the second episode!?!

You’ll find out tomorrow!

It doesn’t last. She hooks up with Ronnie and sleeps with him. Meanwhile The Situation picks up his broken guido heart by smoking Parliament lights all night until the sun comes up. But that’s tomorrow.

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47 Responses to “It is pronounced “guh-wee-dough” – Part I”

  1. Zees84 said

    I’m a super sweet person. Never a bitch.

    My husband and I tend to watch very different TV. He likes to learn (news, Discovery, History), and I like funny (HIMYM, The Office, Glee, Modern Family, Community).

    But Jersey Shore is a show we both agree on.

    We both laughed ourselves silly watching this.

    I think you are working too hard, KSWI Jordan. Just copy and paste quotes straight from MTV.com. No commentary needed, because these assholes of America do the work for you.

    One day, I want to go to Seaside. Sober. I’m pretty sure that would be more fun than anything.

  2. TDawn said

    Be back later, for now…I think KSWI Jordan-Con should be held at Seaside. I want to go to The Boo, with you and the common taters.

  3. I’ve never been to Seaside, which I think makes me a bad Jersey girl. But if these people are what true Jersey girls are supposed to be, then I’m not terribly upset about that. These people somehow simultaneously horrify and amuse me. The thought that one day, these people might reproduce? Terrifying. Let’s just say that I don’t think it was a coincidence that MTV was beating us over the head with “Teen Mom” advertisements during the show.

    One of my favorite parts of the show was when that psycho Angela said the following about her t-shirt job: “I feel like this job is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do like… great things.”

    Anyway, I came away with serious doubts for the future of our world and feeling like I might be considered an uptight prude of that’s the way a normal 20-something should act. Time to fix this… I need some “I Love The Situation” booty shorts, an Ed Hardy tank, a Bump-It, and a partner in whorish crime stat. 7 hours in a tanning booth couldn’t help me pass for a “guidette,” but it’s about time we brought “cracker” or “honkie” back. Honkette’s unite!

    • Zees84 said

      All those things plus Daddy’s credit card turns me into a stereotypical JAP. Oh my gawwwwd, I am so there!

    • MLF said

      I will be your whorish partner in crime and I’ll even wear the booty shorts, but I’m putting my foot down with the Ed Hardy tank and the Bump-It. And the tanning bed, since sadly I’m already pre-cancerous on my shoulders

    • Freya said

      I’ll take the bump-it (I like some big hair) for the team. Now we just need to find a real d-bag…I mean SWEETHEART to wear the Ed Hardy tank…

  4. Crystal said

    Your descriptions were hilarious but I still refuse to watch this show. I already watch “The Hills” for Gods-sake. That’s enough stupidity flowing from the boob-tube*? into my brain. I will kill “The Situation” that dude looks like the biggest douche on the face of the planet.

    And Snooki, Snickers, Snuckems looks like an oompa loompa.

  5. Lala said

    I don’t intend to watch this show and after this detailed review Jordan just wrote I don’t think I really need to watch it. Besides, those people look extremely weird and I’m not sure I would be able to endure an entire episode watching them…

  6. MLF said

    As I’ve said before, I have not/will not ever watch that show, although your commentary on it is quite funny, so instead I will focus on the two sentences where you mentioned the beach.

    It is so funny to me that people from up north call the beach the “seaside” or “the shore.” Even though the actual name of the place is Seaside, I still find that hilarious. The same way I find it hilarious that soooo many places in Florida have either “palm”or “beach” in the name. Like, Daytona Beach, Cocoa Beach, Palm Bay, Palm City…the list goes on. Florida is basically a large beach, I mean no matter where you are you are usually never more than an hour from the beach, but do we really need to name every town or city some combination of Palm or Beach? Really? WE KNOW WE ARE NEAR THE BEACH WE CAN SEE IT FROM THE HIGHWAY! jeez. sorry. anyways.

    Personally I have lived about 10-20 minutes from the beach my whole life, and I really don’t like the beach. It is highly overated, much the same way that sex on the beach is overated. My younger relatives are always like, “oooh I want to have sex on the beach!” I mean apparantly people like it, there is even a delicious fruity drink named after it. I don’t get it. I don’t know if it would be different in New Jersey than in Florida, but

    A) Sand is not good for sex. I don’t think I need to elaborate on this.

    B) It’s hot. very hot. and I don’t mean sexy hot I mean my skin is fucking melting off hot. At first we were both frisky but now we both just have heat stroke and are rapidly losing interest in partaking of this activity where there is skin on skin, making us even hotter.

    C) There are people, EVERYWHERE. Even in the winter, when it’s not as hot. Actually, especially in the winter, when everyone from New Jersey leaves “Seaside” and comes down to sunny south fla. <–what FL people sometimes call FL, for those that were confused. So it will be a lovely sunny day and you find yourself on the beach feeling a little chilly and decide instead of wearing a sweater or god forbid shoes other than flip flops you should just have sex on the beach to keep warm, and then BAM. old person. walking on the beach. watching you have sex. creepy. Or, even worse, the vacationing family with six little kids.

    There have been very few times when I really loved the beach, two of which were the time when I was walking along the beach with a boyfriend and we came across baby seaturtles making their way into the ocean, and the other was when I was with a group of friends smoking a bowl in the lifeguard tower, when the lifeguard showed up and actually threw down some money and joined us.

    Feel free to judge me accordingly now that you know my stance on beach sex, sea turtles, and smoking pot.

    • Zees84 said

      This was kind of hilarious, especially the part where you started writing in total Kay Swidge Style.

      “It’s hot. very hot. and I don’t mean sexy hot I mean my skin is fucking melting off hot. At first we were both frisky but now we both just have heat stroke and are rapidly losing interest in partaking of this activity where there is skin on skin, making us even hotter.”

      At weddings, which is my big time to drink (and by big I mean a few sips), I order a Sea Breeze. Why? Because I really want a Sex on the Beach, but can’t bring myself to say it, out loud. That’s right, despite KSWI Jordan’s efforts, I am still an innocent.

      I’m a mom, so I can tell you, don’t do drugs, and don’t have sex on the beach. I can also tell you to wash behind your ears and take the trash out. Being a mom has its perks.

      • MLF said

        that’s funny…I honestly didn’t even realize I was writing in Kay Swidge style, but truthfully I talk like that quite often. I feel super cool now. You’re right- you are very sweet.

        You’re also right about not doing drugs, having sex on the beach, washing behind your ears and taking out the trash, but since I am a wayward out of control youngster I will probably only listen to- but not apply- your advice, except for the washing behind your ears thing, which I undoubtedly do everyday, right along with brushing my teeth and flossing (2X!) daily.

        I think the next time you are at a wedding you should march right up to the bartender and ask him in a breathy voice for a Wet Pussy. Which is very good*, btw. Much better than Sex on the Beach*, imho.

      • Zees84 said

        I do have a lovely breathy voice. I’ve been told it’s quite sexy. My “Ready.To.Pounce” would blow.your.mind.

        Therefore, I would be concerned that asking for a “wet pussy” might make some young bartender’s head explode.*

      • campbelld said

        Two of my female friends have a particularly evil game where they find the dirtiest sounding cocktail on the menu, approach the bar, get really close together, and then order it in the breathiest, huskiest voice they can manage to see if they can score a blush (or better). It is generally hilarious. They are nice people usually.

      • TDawn said

        My absolute favorite is a “Buttery Nipple”. Fun to order and SOOOO sweet, just delicious. Taste like CAAANNNDEEE.

    • I won’t judge you on your stances on beach sex, sea turtles (which omg I would literally squeal myself to death if I saw that, so effing adorable), or smoking pot. I will, however, judge you on the fact that you and your younger relatives are all shouting about where you want to have sex. Knock that off.

      • MLF said

        Roger that- I’ll pass on the cease and desist order, over.

        and I would have literally sqealed myself to death were it not for the fact that the boyfriend clamped his hand over my mouth so I didn’t alert any seagulls (seagull’s? seagulls’?) attention to the baby turtles location. <–this is a real danger, sadly. (not me being able to communicate with seagulls but seagulls eating baby turtles.)

        plus let's be honest- he wanted me to shut up. But I'm just gonna keep pretending he was just being adorable trying to protect them.

    • kt said

      Amen to this entire comment. The beach is overrated. I’ve lived in Florida my entire life and cannot remember the last time I went to the beach. Sand sucks. Tourists suck. And if you go to the gulf the waves suck. My favorite times at the beach have always been at night when no one is there.

  7. Too many of you people are saying you don’t have to watch this show. Ok fine, but you’re wrong about one thing: YES YOU FUCKING DO. You need to watch it. Immediately.

    Believe me. You won’t regret it. Yes, Jordan’s synopsis was maybe one of the best things I’ve ever read and gems like “Chief Mongoloid of the Mongoloids of the Mongoloid country” aren’t anywhere to be found in the show… But there’s SO MUCH you’re missing. For example, Snickers’ encounter with the mallard phone cannot be adequately described and enjoyed textually. You must SEE it in all of it’s midgety special ed glory.

    And if nothing else, you’ll feel infinitely better about yourself and what you’re doing with your life after watching this shitshow of a train wreck for an hour. Just give into the peer pressure and watch.

    • Zees84 said

      Yeah, whatever. At least Snookems didn’t steal her friend’s line….

      Also, watch this show because you NEED to hear how these people tawk.

      Also, I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday. Cledbo, the thought of you saying the word “guido” makes me all kinds of happy.

    • Crystal said

      You.Are.Not.The.Boss.Of.Me.

      Fine, I’ll watch it.

    • PWG said

      Whoa whoa whoa there, sailor, “midgety?” Take it back or the three resident midgets will gnaw on your ankles.

      Yeah, I don’t care about that at all, but I felt like I had to get at least one comment in today even though work has been crazy today.

  8. kt said

    I’m pretty sure I can’t watch this show. I have just recently weened myself off of MTV’s horrible programming and I don’t think I can go back to it. Plus, my faith in humanity is sorely lacking anyways, mostly because of MTV, and I fear that watching this show will just make me even more depressed. Sure I would probably feel superior to them, but then I’d remember that they are the ones that managed to get a TV show creating a platform to spread their stupid and infect more of the masses. And that is just so fucked up. I just don’t think I can bring myself to watch it. I will have to suffice on the KSWI rundown.

  9. kt said

    One of my best friends growing up had a cat named “Snookie”. She was like 10 when she got her and had also just gotten a mouth so full of braces that she kinda developed a lisp. Snookie was black with a fat white strip across her middle so she kinda looked like an Oreo. “Cookie” with a braces induced lisp sounds kinda like “Snookie”.

  10. amanda said

    this show sounds too entertaining for its own good.

  11. PWG said

    When I’m reading this blog at work I like to fill up the screen with text as best I can, kinda hide the pictures toward the top or bottom. Then when I scroll I look.at.pictures.and.scroll.really.fast so I can fill up the screen with text again.

    This is because I work in a small office and two men sit behind me. My screen is plainly visible. They’re used to seeing Kristen’s face on the blog header by now, they don’t even bother asking about that. I did get a big ration of shit with today’s tiny blocks of text and big pictures of barely dressed guidos/guidettes.

    Growing up in California, we didn’t have guidettes or stellas. We had cholas with sharpies and valley girls. I cast no stones.

    • amanda said

      haha i do the same. i cant go on the computer at school and my phone is a piece of crap so internet on that isnt even an option. and when i get home and read this blog, the pictures are mostly of half naked women and my family is constantly coming and going being me so its just a away for me to avoid an awkward conversation.

  12. PWG said

    Damn, Snookie, that’s a whole lot of animal print. Where do I get tiger flooring? Jersey? Cadillac dude’s hair reminds me of the underside of a mushroom. I kind of want to poke it. Is it sharp? Sticky?

    I’ve never seen this show, I’m sorry. I feel like I’m not making a proper effort to understand your people, Jordan. You know, the Rhode Islanders.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I would imagine it is stiff at first* then crunchy*(?) then ultimately sticky afterwards*(!).

      Regardless, I will most likely be posting late tomorrow. What’s that thing called that gets in the way of me posting? It’s one word? Oh yeah, “life”. Life sucks sometimes. Also I’m expecting snow.

      • Expecting snow? Hint: look out the window. It’s been snowing pretty steadily for about an hour. I have an inch; perhaps you have more.*

        Yes, this was solely for the * opportunity. I was just that impressed with your showing earlier this evening.*

      • TDawn said

        No worries KSWI Jordan, we will wait patiently. Chin-up buckaroo, the sun will come out..tomorrow, well maybe not in Jersey City. How ’bout, as Katy Perry sings:

        “..You’re like an Indian Summer in the middle of Winter..” toowho meeee.

      • Crystal said

        I never wait patiently. Serious face.

      • TDawn said

        While waiting patiently, Crystal,I’m keeping myself busy.

        State employee + holiday office decorating (which may or may not include the use of office supplies)= tax payer dollars well spent.

      • MLF said

        While waiting patiently I am currently rubbing my head against my Employment Law text book, hoping the information will osmosis itself (osmoze?) into my head for the Final later on.

        Also I’m still contemplating the EPT.

  13. campbelld said

    We have this place in my city. It is known as the Chapel. Or Chap-Happy. Or Chap-Chap (those two ironically) A long strip of glow stick and hair gel filled bars, patrolled by wogs in their hotted up cars. Strangely, along the street, there are some seriuosly cool places. Well, the kind that I like. Dark, full of heavy stones, retro furniture, people in black clothes, piercings and hardcore tats. So, while I am there, I must go past these dens of douchebaggery. I know the sort all too well. That and I am a reformed club rat, which is sad. It was only a few months and I regret nothing except all of it.

  14. TDawn said

    Sooo, Jersey Shore. Two words come to mind when I look at the photos of the ladies: Hooker Much?

    I won’t promise to watch, but I will say that I will try to tune-in on Thursday. Your recap has left me wanting to experience “The Situation” first-hand, *coughididntdomyhomeworkcough*.

  15. MLF said

    ugh. I am sitting here eating an Egg McMuffin as I type this, which would normally make me consider my morning as glorious, but not today. Today I woke up early enough to get a delicious Egg McMuffin ONLY because I had the worst nightmare, the nightmare of all nightmares: I dreamt I was pregnant.

    Not only did I dream I was pregnant, I dreamt I was VERY pregnant and for some reason I was at my old church and I had to individually tell every member of the congregation I had sinned (!!!)

    There is no way I’m pregnant. Firstly- abstinence, duh. right. hahahahahaha. No but seriously, firstly, the pill – secondly, condoms. It is statistically highly improbable that I am pregnant, but DAMN if I don’t want to go pick up an EPT right now, but I am so broke. The whole time I was driving to McDonalds I was like…ok if my meal is five dollars that is one half of a pregnancy test right there…should I really be gambling with my future over fake egg products?!

    Opportunity cost of buying EPT >/</= (circle one) marginal benefit of EPT ?

    I refuse to spend money I don't have (or shouldn't be spending, anyway) on a pregnancy test when THERE IS NO WAY I AM PREGNANT JUST BECAUSE OF A DREAM. Instead I'll just sit here and freak out and complain to you common taters about it.

    • PWG said

      Either way I would’ve gone with the Egg McMuffin. Fetuses love Egg McMuffins, so you’re covered either way.

      • MLF said

        really? I didn’t know that. They are pretty amazing though.

      • I may or may not have just tried to google “do fetuses love Egg McMuffin’s?” out of morbid curiosity and to see if there are other crazies like us out there, but I never found the answer because Google’s suggestion list came up with “do fetuses fart?” and I got distracted.

        FYI: they don’t.

      • MLF said

        Thank you, HB. That makes me feel much better.

        seriously. I mean if I am infact pregnant at least I know my uterus is still a fart-free zone.

      • Crystal said

        Fetuses don’t fart. Interesting. I’ve learned something today so the day hasn’t been a complete waste.

    • kt said

      FTR, you can get preggers on the pill and using condoms. My bff got knocked up that way. Some people are just really fucking fertile I guess, and neither the pill or condoms are 100% effective. I’m sorry if that freaked you out more.

      • MLF said

        oh my heck. It is a dam good thing I just read this now and not before my exam, because I think my heart just stopped and prior to the ass kicking I just handed that test my heart would have surely given out from the strain. As it is now I am only having minor palpitations.

  16. stell said

    Hilarious.. These people are some of the most ridiculous human beings on earth. Living in Philly, and spending ample time at the Jersey Shore, I’m able to see these degenerates at first hand. If I were to make a guess, I could see this group of people being the victims of the next holocaust.

  17. Cringe. I can’t stand going down the shore anymore because people like this are crawling everywhere, just looking to start a fight. And wearing far too much Drakkar.

    I wasn’t planning on watching this show because I assumed it was going to be a typical clusterfuck of retarded assholes with bad accents (that, unfortuntately, I also have) but you’ve sold me! I definitely will watch this when it’s on next.

  18. beach houses are nice because you can swim anytime you want and the beach is a great view too,”

  19. beach houses are really nice and it would always be a warm and relaxing place ,;.

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