This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #13

December 11, 2009

God is vengeful. Want proof? Let me answer my rhetorical question that I pretend you asked with another rhetorical question. Did you watch the Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Cleveland Browns last night? God allowed Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers to ascend so high on our NFL tower of Babel. They were the number 1 defense, they went to the Superbowl, and they won the Superbowl in an amazing last minute drive with one of the most miraculous fingertip catches with toes inbounds and in triple coverage ever by Masseur Santonio Holmes. And now, he has crippled us! He has cuckold the Black and Gold! He has made fools of us! Cleveland! Seriously!?! God why!?! Until this season, Ben Roethlisberger was UNDEFEATED in the state of O-H-I-O. At one time, the Buckeye state might as well have been Earth’s yellow sun to his Superman and now it is his kryptonite.

You and I are going to have some words, God. We will have some words.

They say God works in mysterious ways. The Jersey Shore is one of those ways. And with the scorn God has given me with my Steelers, he also has provided me great happiness with the guidos of the tri-state area. Thank you my Lord for The Situation and his constant need to make sausage and peppers like all Italians need. Last night’s episode was great. I laughed, I laughed and I laughed. The Situation is hands down my favorite, but last night Ronnie provided my favorite highlight. Ronnie? Dancing!?! By Taylor Swifts’ flat ironed hair(!) that was amazing. They should have spent another minute relishing in his “patented” dance moves. Unbelievable. Ronnie should get paid because that man was doing work on that dance floor. How I long for gifs of Ronnie dancing. My love for The Jersey Shore will segue nicely into my first question:

How did KSWI Jordan lose his virginity?

It was a summer evening and she was much shorter than I and are you fucking kidding me!?! You people won’t even join a Facebook group in my honor or at least in Kristen Stewart’s want’s honor and you expect me to talk about when I first had sex! Really? Really? What the hell do I get out of this? I have said before kind words and salutations in the comments section is certainly nice, but well they don’t buy everything. I am a skeptical and cynical person by nature and I practice both at a champion’s pace. I do not easily crumble to “I think you’re really funny. Now DANCE MONKEY! And tell me embarrassing and/or personal stories!”. Come on. I mentioned this symbiotic relationship is completely out of whack. If I am the shark and you are the pilot fish, I am providing you the protection from a predator fish and I am providing you with scraps from my kills. But you are supposed to keep me clean of parasites. And I am overrun!

Hmmmm… that sounds bad. I have no parasites in real life. I’m clean and I rarely get sick. So continue any “operations”. And I educate regularly. When’s the last time you read about pilot fish? It is a great metaphor to use. Symbiotic relationships and all. Pilot fish prefer the company of the Oceanic White Tip shark. There you go. Anyway, I’m not talking about my loss of virginity especially for free. I guess I should be flattered that you would like to know this information. So thank you. But…

Why I don’t like the girls on The Jersey Shore? Followed by, what do I look for in a woman?

I know the answer to the first. The follow-up is a lot more “undecided”. I don’t have a set of rules or attributes that I’m looking for. I don’t only like blondes or brunettes or Asians. I don’t believe in “one true love”, so I’m open. Maybe when I get older I’ll have a more narrow view of what I would like. Also I am knee deep in my view of everything being flawed minus Fight Club and The Last Dragon. So finding someone to fit all my criteria would be ridiculous. Also who says I fit into everyone’s criteria. Hmmm… plus when did this site become Match.com?

This is also a shitty Match.com when a bunch of my “matches” are married, live nowhere near me and are infatuated with a series of books I would rather decapitate myself via paper cut than to actually read any of the pages. See we’re all flawed and I don’t judge you all (too much) on it. That is your cross to bear not mine. I’m betting you’re all lovely people outside of these amazing moments of insanity you have reading that stuff… and additional this stuff. Why do you read this site? It is an odd character flaw I believe that you have enjoying this site. My character flaw is that this stuff is going on in my head and I write it out for you to read. I probably should stop. So in conclusion, I am perfectly open to wide variety of female suitors. I would be perfectly comfortable giving it a try with Elisha Cuthbert, Gina Carano, Meagan Good, Christina Hendricks, Shakira, that new Victoria’s Secret model Kylie Bisutti, UFC ring girl Arianny Celeste… I heard Bar Refaeli is single. I’m single, Jewish and a nice guy and Bar exudes such perfect beauty that I think being in front of her it would clog my arteries and I would die of heart failure. So… yeah, I’m open to anyone.

As for the girls of The Jersey Shore, what’s the words? Whores? Yeah, there may be better words, but that one works well. None of them is overwhelming attractive enough to be as arrogant about their looks as they are. I understand confidence, but modesty is also a good quality. Temperance people! Temperance! I don’t really see what the draw is for any of them. I couldn’t imagine wanting to want to date any of them. They look like and are girls who will cheat immediately. Why would a guy want that? On top of that, they look like and are spoiled bitches who think they are worth a lot more than they are. Why would a guy want that? They’re all idiots as well. I don’t get the question about me being able to look past their slightly attractive exteriors to see their tsunami of flaws. Out of all of them, I find Angelina the most attractive, but she might be the worst personality wise. And she is nowhere near attractive enough to make up for everything else that is horrible about her. I mean I don’t find Snooki or JWoww attractive; they don’t find me attractive neither so we’re cool. Sammi is ok. Angelina is correct that she has big boobs and a decent body and butt seemingly and she has a nice face… like ONE MILLION other girls, so what’s special? Nothing. Also she’s not a good person. It should be completely obvious why guys should not want anything more than just a drunk hook up with these girls.  

My question is: will there be criminal charges? [For the punch on Snooki]

It appears so. In the preview for next week, you see the guy getting arrested. I can’t wait until next week to see what happens. I’m not pro women getting punched. I’m also not pro someone getting mercilessly attacked by a lion, but I want to see the video and I want to know all the extenuating circumstances.

Why do we no longer call Thursdays, “Aggressive Thursdays”?

You can call Thursdays anything you want. Someday Thursdays I am not feeling particularly “aggressive” about whatever subject matter seems to fall on that day. I think I have had “aggressive” other days to make up for any lack on Thursdays. Today I feel a little more aggressive than usual considering I’ve had more coffee than usual, it’s Friday and I have a lot to do this weekend and I’m glad there were so many questions to choose from. I also hate work. And recently, I’ve had way too many discussions about my job at my job and not at my job. I need it to stop. Also the Steelers lost 5 straight games and if I do run into a person from Ohio who gets “snippy” with me – I will kill them. People from Ohio should stay away from me unless they want to tussle. And I mean tussle to the death.

Do you like candy?

Sure.

What kind of candy?

I am a peanut butter fan. I enjoy those Reese’s peanut butter cups a lot.

Would you share your candy with me?

Are we still talking about the peanut butter cups? Because no. You only get two in a pack. And if I go King size with four in a pack, I’m eating all four. Those are all mine. I also like malted milk balls, caramel and chocolate candy, M&Ms. Any of those I would share. There is enough to go around. Skittles? Sure. Don’t touch the peanut butter cups. If you want some then you should have come prepared and bought your own. I am open to bartering.

What did you do the night you graduated?

I’m guessing you meant graduating college. Well that was a fun evening. I went to Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia, PA. I have a stupidly good memory when it comes to remembering drunk evenings (minus one of my friend’s weddings) so for all who know the Philly area I will be as detailed as possible if you want to retrace my steps.

I used to live in the Washington building of the Presidential Apartments a mile from school. Early in the night, I started drinking with a couple of friends who also had apartments in the same building. We were drinking beer and my parents had bought me two bottles of champagne. With the beers we drank one of the bottles. I started calling friends to see where they were going to end up that night. It seemed like the common consensus was to go to “The Muddy Duck”. The Muddy Duck was a bar which was across the street from Saint Joe’s. It is closed now for a myriad of good reasons. The place sucked so much it is indescribable, but it was our localest bar. It was right across the street and was almost purely comprised of Saint Joe’s students. We had been going there every night for the past two weeks straight leading up to the graduation so why not on the graduation night. Eventually, I decided to make it down there. My two friends didn’t feel like going so I was flying solo over there.

I get there and there is a line out the door. In the parking lot across the street I met up with some friends. Apparently, every kid at Saint Joe’s had the same idea of hanging out at the Duck even if they were never regulars there to begin with. Even weirder was that all these people who never had a college night of drinking before now are bringing their parents to the bar too. It was weird. All these drunk parents and nerdy kids. The place was packed and I was not going to waste my night like that. Some of my friends were inside and I wasn’t going to try and fight my way in to see them. I called a couple more people and it turned out that another friend was with his girlfriend at the “O’Hara’s” which is back at Presidential apartments. So the parking lot friends and I drive back to Presidential and I call my friend who also lived in Presidential and we all met up at “O’Hara’s”. There were six of us.

We drank at “O’Hara’s” until 2 am when they are supposed to close. Then we buddied up with the bartender and she gave us a bunch of drinks for the road. That road? An elevator to our friend’s girlfriend’s apartment. We get up there and the place is almost completely empty. Her and her two roommates were moving out since school was over. There was a couch, a stereo and sparse lighting. The place looked so dramatic with these table lamps in an empty room casting huge ominous shadows all over the walls. First thing we did was start blasting some Rolling Stones. Second thing we did was pound the bar drinks. This was followed by the girlfriend rounding up any alcohol she had in the apartment: about 2 regular bottles of wine and a magnum of wine. We tore through the magnum like Lex the Impaler, am I right? We took a cellphone and in a make shift “spin the bottle” format we spun it and whichever person the antenna was pointing at would have to chug. This was followed by foregoing the cellphone and then just drinking the bottles.

I took a detour at some point and went back to my apartment to get the random beer and champagne I had. We flew through all that stuff. By that point it was 3:30 or so and everyone was pretty plastered. We were making so much noise laughing, screaming, stomping around, blasting music THEN one of her roommates comes out of the back bedroom to go to the bathroom. We honestly had no idea that her roommates were even in the apartment let alone trying to sleep. At this point we felt bad and decided to leave. My friend and his girlfriend passed out in the apartment. But my other two friends needed to get home still. What are 4 drunks to do?

Well, the guy and girl that needed to get back were hammered. The guy needed to be carried to the car practically. So the girl got the keys. I got into my car with the other guy friend who lived at Presidential. They lived a mile down the road at the Parkside apartments. Anyone can drive a mile wasted right? Good ideas all around. We drove behind them and, no joke, any time her car started to drift I would beep and she would straighten out. I’m not saying you should do this. Actually I’m saying DON’T DO THIS! It happened. The firebombing of Japan during World War II happened. It wasn’t a good thing, but it happened and we are just talking about it, ok?

We did get back to their apartment safely. When we got back there the girl friend was too drunk to park correctly so I got out and parked her car for her. Meanwhile, the guy friend was too drunk to walk so my other guy friend carried him. We put them to bed and left. Job well done. So what is next for myself and my guy friend? Should we go home to go to sleep? Or should we continue our evening and drive into the city to Pat’s for a cheesesteak at 4:30 am? You take a guess.

So there we were standing in line at 5 am eating Pat’s cheesesteaks which are not particularly good and eating their French fries which are pretty good. After we were filled with fried potatoes, cheese and meats we drove back to Presidential. I went back to my apartment and fell asleep. I think he ended up staying up later and playing his acoustic guitar well past the sunrise. We all survived as we did other nights that were remarkably similar to that one that happened on a weekly basis throughout our 4 years at Saint Joe’s. That was my graduation night.

Which Bill Murray movie?

Literally, I was thinking of Groundhog’s Day. But all his movies are great so I didn’t narrow it down.

Am I jealous of Robert Pattinson?

No more than other rich and famous movie stars who women fawn over. I wouldn’t mind being rich or famous. I wouldn’t mind women fawning over me. And I wouldn’t mind knowing if/when I wrote a movie screenplay that I could hand it to an agent or movie producer who would take the time to read it and consider it. That is probably what I’m most jealous of. I could say that same jealousy for a hundred other male actors as well.

Have a good weekend. Don’t drink and drive. Please do not drink and drive. But have a good weekend.

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34 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #13”

  1. MLF said

    oh god. I am laughing. I am laughing so much but I should not be laughing. All this laughing is making my head feel like someone is hitting it with a hammer everytime I laugh and yet I am still laughing.

    A- the pictures today were great
    B- Via the whole symbiotic relationship and non virginity sharing- excellent metaphor btw- but one- I joined the fb group. two- I can’t speak for anyone other than myself here but I would tell you mine if you would tell us yours. I mean honestly I would tell mine regardless, it’s a story thats been told many times. At the same time I can understand why some people might be hesitant to share that kind of thing.
    C- I was referring to college, and I’m sure you already know this but you are not alone with the buddy system driving. I personally have never driven drunk but I have been the horn beeper in that situation. Also this story made me laugh, alot. Any situation where there are drunk parents usually gets a gold star in my book.

    My sister is in a sorority and this year my dad and I went to visit her for parents weekend. The sororities and fraternities had banded together and hosted a giant kegger they called “tailgating” before the Noles got their asses handed to them by some team whose mascot was a bee or hornet or something. There were parents doing keg stands and three story beer bongs and taking shots off the ice luge. It was magical.

    D- I hope you have a nice weekend as well. Better than mine, which will be spent detoxing and eating leafy green foods.

  2. tiffanized said

    I would also be quite willing to share the story of losing my virginity. It happened in a closet.

    I think J-WOWW is the least objectionable of the Jersey Shore girls. Face it, we’re not looking at who’s the most attractive, we’re looking at who’s least likely to make you want to punch them in the face. Obviously, Snooki is at the bottom of that list for that one guy.

  3. PWG said

    Back of a Chevy Blazer, high school parking lot, midnight. I was his second, and I owe a debt of gratitude to his first girlfriend.

    Maybe I should send her flowers all these years later. Would that be the oddest thing anyone ever got flowers for? “Thanks for having sex with Mr. X first so he was great at it by the time I got to him. Love, PWG.”

    • MLF said

      I think you should send the flowers. I mean who doesn’t like getting flowers and being told they were a good sexual tutor all at once, right?

      I have this horrible disorder where I can’t tell a short story, but to sum up my virginity losing experience, there was one false start, and another attempt the next day. We decided to try again at his grandparent’s house while they were out of town. And ohhhh wow there was a lot of blood. All over grandma and grandpa’s bed. Of course we washed all the sheets and whatnot but the stain was not comming out. So being the good young Christian’s that we are, we lied and told his grandparents that I got my period when they later inquired about the bloody sheets.

      It get’s even better:(ie hilarious/mortifying)

      This cherry popping took place in February, wich in FL means the AC is off and the window’s are open (at night). By some odd twist of fate the grandparent’s Godly next door neighbor had her hearing aide all the way turned up, no doubt to better hear her Good News evening sermon, and apparantly heard me chanting “OW OW OW” and came over to make sure everything was ok.

      Everything was not OK. To this day I don’t know how much she really heard, or what he told her (I sent the BF out to deal with her, I’m pretty sure I was still rolling around in agony)

    • TDawn said

      HA! I was thinking you should also send the flowers. Maybe an e-card? Your a lucky woman PWG. My first was not inexperienced and it didn’t help, AT ALL. I actually remember thinking, “Seriously? That’s it?”.
      Then he broke up with me a week later, in a letter, signed “Jim the Asshole”. That’s right, I’m talking about YOU Jim. You were an asshole.

      I’ve debated whether or not to include him when THE number is ever in question. Good news, he is fat and bald now. God, I love FB.

  4. PWG said

    I don’t have a good college graduation drinking story. I left after one semester and wasted a full scholarship. I am unedumacated, and also an idiot for doing that. My husband left one semester short of graduation, so collectively he and I are idiots who have reproduced. You’re welcome, society.

    • FYI, this comment made me laugh audibly in the silent seminar.

      I finished college and don’t even have a good night of graduation story. At my school, people lived on campus in the dorms all four years, and the school kicked us out of the dorms about 2 hrs after graduation ended.

      The night before, however, is a different story. It involved the entire campus drinking on a hill in front of the mansion (this was a big deal since they had a pretty strict alcohol policy that they decided to put in place my senior year, just in time for me to legally drink… serves me right for going to a Catholic school when I’m not Catholic, let alone remotely religious), someone stealing a tree out of the ground, and people drunkenly “tobogganing” down said hill on some sort of flat pushcart thing. I went to bed at 6am, woke up at 6:30 to find my friend’s brother pissing on my roommates things, fell back asleep, then got back up at 7:30 to go graduate. To this day I still haven’t told my roommate about the peeing situation.

      • MLF said

        Well I think that story can count as your graduation night story, and for the record I think it’s hillarious. I can only hope I will catch someone peeing on my roomate’s stuff the night I graduate. Seriously.

  5. TDawn said

    “Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!”
    I love Reese’s too, and Spam, and 50 First Dates. But, I hate the chocolate crumbs. You open the pkg and BOOM! chocolate crumbs everywhere. Those little points just fall right off. Chocolate stains are my laundry nemesis. The perfect form of a Reese’s are the Valentines hearts. Smooth edges, no chocolate crumbs, perfection. My favorite Reese’s commerical was the one with the old lady who says “nibble, nibble, nibble” hehe. I’m a nibbler. Also, I don’t share either.

    Ugh, Jersey Shore. I attempted to tune-in. First I had to find out which channel was MTV. Then discovered, hey guess what? It comes on at 8:30 here. Doh! I saw the previews for the next episode with the clip of the Snooki face punch, followed by her crying on the sticky bar floor. Then I felt REALLY bad for her. And I was glad to see that cocksucker getting arrested. I sat for a bit watching the After Hours show and the only thing I could think was, “Wow, these people are REALLY unattractive”. Then I gave up, I changed it to The Princess Bride.

    When leaving dinner the football game on tv caught my eye, is that Black & Gold? Why yes it is. I said a silent prayer for victory. I checked the score after my failed Jersey Shore experience…crap! I’m glad Jersey Shore can bring happiness to your big man bear/symbiotic shark heart.

    Fine. Maybe a better relationship description would be “Give and Take”. You give, We take. Happy?

    • campbelld said

      You changed from idiotic realitic television to an introspective, imaginative and very clever fantastical film. Props.

  6. PaperCuts said

    I haven’t commented in a while, I’ve just been lurking/reading and leaving without so much as some cab fair for you in the morning. Using you as I please and leaving when I’m finished. I apologize :/…unless you like it? 😉
    Anyway, I know it’s been keeping you up at night. But worry no longer! cause here’s my comment.

    I. Love. You.

    wanna know why? (you do. I won’t even give you the option to answer, because I’m going to tell you anyway)

    “I am a peanut butter fan. I enjoy those Reese’s peanut butter cups a lot.”

    I have a deep love for peanut butter, especially reese’s peanut butter cups.
    Although I would not give you one of my peanut butter cups, I love the fact that you enjoy them as well.
    🙂

  7. Amy D said

    It was short, fat and quick. Happened in his bedroom; my best friend sat right outside the door in protest of it all. This was during a time where it was in fashion to call IT “bumping uglies” WTF

    Last I heard he was working at a fast food chain, thank goodness the firsts are usually never the last.

  8. campbelld said

    People going straight to virginity stories. Trust this group.
    Anyone can drive a mile drunk is on so many tombstones. I am assuming it is not safe to walk around the city, druknely, at night? Cos I have done that so many times here. They say we have a violence problem, but I havent really noticed.
    And I will have a good weekend! I am going to see Zombieland for free, do christmas shopping, go to my friends Karoeke bar and then go to another bar and then pass out somewhere.

  9. Crystal said

    I think it’s totally reasonable to not share Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. You’re right, there are only two of those bitches in a pack. I wouldn’t share that either.

    But what’s really sad was after I asked that questions yesterday I was imagining sharing M&M’s or Skittles with you and our hands “accidentally” touching. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? What a girl.

    So…those of us who joined KWSI on Facebook should get the virginity story. I think it makes sense. I promise I wont send it to anyone who didn’t join….promise.

    The captions today were especially funny. I’ve been playing Resident Evil 4 all day and I totally forgot to check the post around noon. I must have been really immersed in the killing of “not-zombies”. Then I got a cramp in my hand and the first thing I thought of was KSWI. Woo and Hoo.

  10. Crystal said

    Oh I didn’t read the comment first and therefore left out my virginity story: *ahem* (prepare yourselves for the pathetic-ness)

    Let me preface this by saying I’m 26 years old. I lost my virginity about 2 years ago to my fiancee. We had been together about a month, he had already proposed so I decided we should just do it. I had been planning on waiting until marriage (I’m not religious or anything it was just a choice I made on my own) but I figured “I’m going to marry this guy, so why not?”. Yeah, he was cheating on me the entire time and eventually broke up with me to go back to his ex-wife. He’s now married to the girl he went to Disney World with (and lied about it) while were together. She’s 6 years older than him and has 2 children and looks like a man. I’m not one to talk about people’s appearances so I generally dont but she really looks like a man.

    What a douche.

    That is my depressing story. I’m gonna go cry now.

  11. I’m having an aggressive Friday as well. Mine can be blamed primarily on the fact that I just spent FOUR MF’ING HOURS in some bullshit sales seminar/meeting that had absolutely nothing to do with me. The two glasses of wine I had at the hotel bar afterward helped improve my mood slightly though, so now I’m all loosened up* for my commenting. You’ve been warned.

    Last night’s Jersey Shore was magical. I’m hoping Friday’s will continue to be a quick recap of the show paired with the usual Q&A, because I do like hearing your thoughts on that train wreck. Hearing you rant against the whores is fun. And maybe a little endearing. Perhaps a teensy bit attractive, even. I’m twisted. Anyway, favorite parts included Angelina leaving and packing all of her shit up in TRASH BAGS like the classy lady that she is, and – just like you – Ronnie’s dancing. The twitching and the shirt-thrashing like a friggin dancer from the Moulin Rouge… Sweet baby jesus, that was like an early Christmas present. I tried to find a gif of the dancing, but when I googled “ronnie jersey shore dancing gif,” this was all I found. Close enough, really.

    You are skeptical, aren’t you? Do you really not understand why we read your blog? I’m pretty sure I’ve literally made a list of the reasons I love you and your site before, so I won’t do it again. Let’s just say that what I look for in someone is intellect and humor, hence my incessant sexual harrassment. But this is my favorite thing on the internet that isn’t a search engine or email client. I’m not being sarcastic. I risked getting caught by some higher up Sales people during the meeting today just so I could entertain myself and read your post on my blackberry. Work is also why I haven’t joined the KSWI facebook group yet. I’m friends with coworkers (including bosses), and if they stumbled upon the disaster that I am in the comments, I could quite literally get fired. But I’m toying* with the idea of joining. Pretty sure I could win an award for biggest KSWI/Jordan fangirl though, so I’m sure no one’s questioning if I’m a “fan” of it or not. And yes, I’m aware that’s not something worth bragging about. I’m sure I’ll cave soon, especially if you keep up with this guilt tripping nonsense. You’re like my grandmother but male, Jewish, and not wearing a wig.

    Good to know you’re “clean” and thus any “operations” can be considered safe. You and “Nelly” are welcome over any time you’d like. Have an excellent weekend and Happy Chanukah (I think that starts tonight, right? I’m culturally ignorant and this wine has numbed my brain quite nicely). My weekend will be crap. I’m going to my brother’s baby-mama’s baby shower in the backwoods of Jersey. It should be a disaster, but comical if nothing else. Thinking of keeping a running mullet and croc count…

  12. Pol said

    LOL, Reeses peanut butter cups a the best… we don’t get them where I live though… so I have to resort to making them myself… which is a bad thing cause you get way more than two and that still isn’t enough motivation to share….

    Better pictures, thanks and yes I’ll admit that I am very strange that’s why I was thrilled to stumble upon your entertaining blog.

    My first time… mmm…it was good… weird, funny, but not regrettable at all.

    God is vengeful, he took my favourite brand of honey roast peanut butter off the market just after I gave it up for lent 😥

  13. kt said

    Oh hey, it’s time for some late night/early morning commenting. Today’s picture captions were top notch, I must say. I’m sad you do not find the incessant commenting thanks enough for your blogging awesomeness. I joined the facebook group FYI.

    So I see we are all swapping virginity loss stories. Ummm I see no problem in not wanting to tell that to a public audience. Shit my best friends don’t even know all the gory details of mine. I’ll make my share time short. Everyone grab a carpet square and gather ’round. It was in college, it was good, I was in love and now I havent seen/heard from him in 2 years. Le sigh. I still might/maybe/do have a thing for him.

    Graduation stories? My roommates and I went to our favorite bar in Tallahassee. It’s called Bullwinkles, Bulls for short. It was fucking packed with everyone and their parents. My bff brought her parents, but my mom decided to go back to the hotel with my brother and grandma. My grandma gave me $50 earlier in the night and I spent $40 of it at the bar and the other $10 on Pita Pit at 3am. We were all hungover the next morning, obviously, and at 10am my bffs mom and dad and brother and grandma come knocking on our door to pick up some of her stuff because we were moving out that week and her car was too small to fit everything. Hilariously, her boyfriend had spent the night. Her parents were not aware that they were at the “spend the night” stage of their relationship and she was mortified at them finding out. They live together now, so it’s even more funny in hindsight. So what do you do when you boyfriend is naked in your bed and your parents are in the living room waiting to help move you out? You put your boyfriend in the mother fucking closet! When everyone in my house figured out what was going on we made bowls of cereal and sat on the floor of the living room watching her parents and brother file in and out of her room lugging stuff to the car while she practically chewed off all her nails and we laughed our asses off at her. It still stands as one of the most hilarious things that I have ever witnessed in person. Next time I see her parents I think I’m gonna bring it up. There is no way they didn’t know he was there.

    I dislike peanut butter. I used to HATE it when I was little, but now I can tolerate it and occasionally will eat a PB&J. BUT it must be extra crunchy peanut butter. Jiff. No exceptions.

    My favorite candy is Twix with Dots coming in a very very close second. Twix are similar to Reese’s Cups in that they are two to a pack. I do not share Twix. I will share Dots, however. Just not the pink ones.

  14. kt said

    Also, I need to say that I really wish I had KStew’s hair. Like seriously. Not Bella’s hair. Kristen’s hair. I love the wavy thing it does. I have a pretty similar haircut, and color actually, but my hair does this twisted frizzy curl thing, not a cool wave thing, and it sucks. I am completely jealous of that girls hair.

    • Crystal said

      I agree. Her hair has tons of potential. It can hang lifelessly there or it can be amazing and full of bouncy. I love Bella’s hair….I try to get my hair to do that. It sorta works but not really.

  15. Nole said

    Uh Jordan, I made a facebook group in which the words She wants IT are clearly in the title, and I have a link to your website in the information. The only issue is that there are only 5 members in said group.

  16. MLF said

    (210): i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore

    maybe they wouldn’t have failed if they weren’t spending their time watching crap television…ooooo burn!

    Haha. Just kidding but that really did remind me of Kay swidge as soon as I read it.

  17. Freya said

    Last night, when I was drunk, I had a comment all typed up about my first time doing the naughty. Then I passed out before I hit “submit”. I woke up this morning and was like “WTF? I’m not telling all of creation about that!” So, once again, I’m just a bitchy tease commenter. Oh, the cold light of sobriety.

    We’re the parasites? Excuse me? If we stopped commenting, you would be lost. You would be floundering around your corner of the internet, not sure what to write because we weren’t making crazy comments.

    In conclusion, I was looking back at the posts this week, J-Wowwwwwww is going to throw her back out shortly, judging by all her poses.

  18. amanda said

    good post!
    how many times have i told you i love this blog? i love this blog! c:
    i love the captioned pics.
    i looove gary oldman as sid vicious. hes soo cute.

    • amanda said

      with his spiky hair. i mean spiky hair is gross but gary oldman/sid vicious style. yess.
      yess.
      alan rickman wants it.
      i have thing for bad boys.
      happy chanukah !

  19. cledbo said

    That was a lot of post to get through. 1 week of moving states and I am once again branded a cock-tease, huzzah!
    I am with HB in the no-FB-group-party reasoning, as in I have work mates, and family members, who may all have me committed if they find what I’ve been doing. Mr Cledbo knows about this place, but I reckon he’s far too lazy* to read through all the comments.

    Not entirely sure why I’m even bothering with this as you’ll (all) be posting shortly. A new post, a new week even though I already started my week. In a hotel, with half a bottle of wine in me, and a trailer with approximately 27% of our worldly possessions in it. I’m so incoherent right now.

    Peanut butter and chocolate is gross, I’m sorry. Maybe you like it the way that we like Vegemite – as in, it’s disgusting to everyone who didn’t grow up with it, but you think it’s awesome and we (as in, the other 99% of the world) are idiots for not loving it. I totally relate. But it’s still gross.

    I missed my chance to ask a question, but if you remember by the end of this new week – if Kristen Stewart’s want was Reese’s peanut butter cups, would you share them with other common taters? (not me, because I hate them. But you know.)

    The Mr is being irritating and calling me lame for blogging. Even though I am comfortable with my lameness, and am commentating. Or commenting. Not blogging. And am very drunk. Bye!

    • You should always “bother” to comment, Cledbo. You’re the resident bartender, we need you around here. I curse Australia daily for preventing you and Campbell from commenting along with the rest of us. Also because you have summer right now and not shitty New Jersey freezing rain…

      Few things:
      1. I’m a hypocrite… I caved and joined the facebook party. I’m a sucker for guilt trips and Jordan seems to be quite good at those. I just hope he has a way to pay my overpriced NJ rent if I’m fired for my misconduct. Fair warning Jordan – it’s like a mortgage.
      2. Peanut butter and chocolate is HEAVENLY! The only thing that can make it better is salt. Hence why I made a billion peanut butter and chocolate covered pretzels this weekend. I would offer to share them with my fellow common taters and Jordan, but I think people would seriously fear that I poisoned them. I’ve done myself no favors in these parts.

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