It Is About Time I Add A New Catchphrase To Your Lives

December 15, 2009

Well, I guess it is time to write this post. I have spent the past hour trying to find one picture in particular to make a point, but I can’t find it. That’s partially a lie. I googled the picture twice and came up empty. Then I went to the forums I originally saw it on and spent the next 38 minutes re-reading old posts of mine. I’m a pretty funny guy every once and awhile. Also, I’m a bit of a dick. Those people had it coming though with some of their lame threads. I used to post a lot on that board, but now I don’t. That’s partially their fault for being boring and your fault for draining me of any and all energy I have by forcing me to write 2000 words every morning. It’s amazing I have the strength to get up and eat lunch when I’m done.

The board I post or posted on is Sherdog. It is an MMA forum, but I rarely if ever have posted about MMA on there. My last post concerning the subject was in a thread about what lightweight fighters could defeat BJ Penn (the guy who was making the other guy bleed in yesterday’s post). The thread had a list of about 8 random lightweight fighters who he thought could beat BJ. I don’t think any of them could beat BJ. My brilliant response to his thread “meh”. That’s it. Three letters. That’s what they get from me nowadays. On the other hand, you get like 6000 million letters. Probably because most of you have boobs. The good kind. Sure some of them have boobs; the bad ones from eating too much birthday cake when it is not your birthday or anyone else’s you know.

The majority of the time I spend/spent on that board was talking about chicas or shit talking other posters. Let’s focus on las chicas. There are hundreds of threads on that forum titled “Would you hit it?” or some clever variation. Sometimes the “it” would be an obvious “yes” like Scarlett Johansson or Kate Beckinsale or Olivia Munn. Other times the “it” might be a joke one and it is a picture of some female body builder who has more testosterone coursing through her veins than I ever will at any point in my life. And sometimes it is a dude(!). Anyway, regardless of what is the “it” there are people who are on either side of the issue. There are people out there who say they would turn down Halle Berry and at the same time there are people who have a fetish for girls with huge pumped up muscles.

Me? Scarlett, Kate, Olivia, Halle? All the yeses. I’m blown away by deniers, the haters, the “I wouldn’t do her with your dick” guys. I’m not sure if it is the thrill of saying “no” or talking shit or are these people that crazy delusional. I’ve mentioned before the idea of me saying one girl is hot does not make another girl I said is hot any less hot. There is room for hot chicks always. There isn’t a set limit on how many girls you can say are beautiful or how many you would theoretically try sexing on an internet messageboard. So I think there are three people who would say “no”: the shit talkers, the crazy and the finite.

The shit talkers just say mean ridiculous stuff for whatever reason. They know they will never meet Carrie Underwood let alone see her nekkid in their shower so they feel the need to discredit her by saying she has “pointy elbows” or “big ears”. And it’s like really? Is that what you are looking for? The elbows? How soft do the elbows need to be? So Marissa Miller’s body is a 10 and her face is a 10 and let’s say her elbows are a 4 (untrue, but let’s just say that). You wouldn’t “risk” having sex with her because of below average elbows? Really?

The “pointy elbow” type are part of the “crazy” bunch. The “crazy” is an amoeba like group because they stretch and morph. Some of these guys need a girl with a 2 ton butt and others need a girl with no tits. I don’t understand all these rules. If she is hot then she is hot and you would hit it. The finite people are interesting as well. There has been one thread that was popular about Katy Perry and most importantly her breasts. She has nice breasts. End of thread. Or at least keep posting pictures of them, but how could you think otherwise? There were some haters, but the people that I find so fascinating are these finite people who would respond to this thread with another girl that they think has better breasts, por ejemplo Salma Hayek. Sure, hers look amazing, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stop and take a minute and talk about Katy’s sweater puppies. There is enough room in this world for both of their large heaving racks. In a perfect world, their respective cleavage would mate and produce any even more amazing set of tatas.

So my point is people are crazy for saying they wouldn’t have sex with a beautiful person in a hypothetical situation. There is a good deal of consensus on a few women on the board. I would even venture to say there are a few that are upwards of 90%, but even then there is 10% percent haters. I think there are people out there that should be getting 99% approval. The 1% are the creeps who can only get off to being beaten with whips by some woman in a diaper or something. I think Jessica Alba should get “would hit it” approval at a near 100%. I tried writing an article about her for this site once. I was googling pictures of her to get a sense of what I was going to write about and after 10 minutes *blip* I blacked out. When I awoke I was in the copy room humping the color printer. That’s how hot she is. I violated office electronics. The copier and I are still friends, but it just isn’t the same.

There is a flip side to this. There are men that I believe should be at least a 95% approval “would hit” for women. At this point, I do realize I’m being discriminatory and not saying gay men and straight women. COME ON! I don’t have all day to write this. Well I do have all day to write this, but you all demand it by lunch time and I’m not getting paid so I’m sorry if I’m defining everything in the stereotypical straight man and straight woman. I clearly think that you homo dudes with your ripped washboard abs would love kissing on these guys. Not only do I think you would be kissing on these guys given the opportunity like I think women would, but you should. Also if in a hypothetical situation where it is you, a fabulous gay man, versus some Susie homemaker straight woman and you two get offered one of these men naked and willing to do you then you should push the bitch out of the way and make a mad dash for the guy. I’m not saying “punch”, just “push”. A nice little shove that sends her stumbling while you get your legs underneath you to make that sprint for whatever guy it is. Ok? Anyway, you may already be guessing where I’m going with this.

This 95% approval is what I call “The Taye Diggs Corollary”.

Why?

BOOM! That’s why!

KA-BLAM! There’s another one!

This has been mentioned and clearly needed its own post, I believe all women want to have sex with Taye Diggs. By all I mean at least the 95%. If you say that you don’t want to have sex with Taye Diggs then you are either related to Taye Diggs or you’re wrong. And I’m willing to allow for 5% “wrong” people. There are some clear answers in this world. Best country? USA. Best Metallica album? Master of Puppets. Favorite Power Ranger? Amy Jo Johnson. Outside of that, if 95% of people are on one side of a “debate” then why do you want to be apart of the other 5%? That’s like rooting for the Hawks in the climatic finale game in The Mighty Ducks! You’re not cheering for Gordon Bombay and his rag tag crew of hockey misfits!?! Come on in and join the team. We have plenty of room back here in “the flying V” for everyone.

Ok, so why Taye Diggs? I think Taye Diggs fits perfectly in a cross section between being an aggressively attractive man, famous and rich, but not pretentious about it. Generally speaking, I think most people know who Taye Diggs is, but they haven’t been beaten over the head by his name or his celebrity like other actors. I could see people hating Tom Cruise. I think he is an amazing actor who has appeared in a lot of great films. He also is a complete jackass for being not only a Scientologist, but an insanely avid one. He also is real creepy with his enthusiasm and energy. I could see people being put off by Tom by the enormity of his fame and wealth that they don’t even want to deal with him and in fact may actually dislike him for it. At the same time, I believe women who say they wouldn’t sleep with him are ridiculous and liars, but let’s just move past that. Taye is famous, but he isn’t traipsing around telling women how they are supposed to handle postpartum depression or what religion to follow or jumping around on Oprah’s couch.

Taye’s acting resume is also almost perfectly tailored for women to want to tear his clothes all the seconds of all the days. First and foremost, How Stella Got Her Groove Back. POW! Winston Shakespeare! You’re kidding me right? They might as well have called him Dr. Wet Panties, Esquire. He’s also played numerous love interests in The Wood, The Best Man and Brown Sugar. So we’re making a movie? Ok. And we need a male love interest that is black, great looking, smart, dignified, wouldn’t be surprised if he was literally rich or at the very least emotionally rich like he some how figured out life’s purpose and is living his life in accordance to that and not the traditional definition of having a big house, do you know anyone? Taye Diggs. BAM! The character needs to sing? TAYE MOTHERFUCKING DIGGS! And yes, mothers would fuck him too.

Have you heard of RENT? Have you heard of Wicked? Because Taye Diggs has. He was in those damn shows. You know who loves Rent? Chicks and gay men. You know who loves Wicked? Chicks and gay men. You know who love Taye Diggs? Am I making myself clear? Taye Diggs may have been genetically created in a lab with lasers to be arguably the greatest choice for women to spread their legs for. The dude has been all over Broadway and chicks love Broadway. He can sing and dance and you know what else he is on?

Television! He was on Ally McBeal and has done guest spots on other girl shows like Will & Grace. But, of course, the mother of all parts has been his side character on Private Practice. Taye Diggs is a walking/talking/dancing/singing/modeling/acting scented candle warm bubble bath vibrator of a man. And in that picture he is wearing glasses. You know why people have glasses because they need to SEE THINGS and what do people with glasses need to see WORDS and you know where there are a lot of words? COLLEGE! The dude went to Syracuse University. He plays a smart guy on TV and is one in real life. So we got – chick flicks, chick TV shows, chick Broadway, and this son of a beautiful woman is the damn owner of a BFA in Musical Theater from the fighting Orangemen of Syracuse. What else could possibly make this guy more of a catch?

He is from New Jersey.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! POW! PCHOO! PCHOO! PSCHURR! PSCHURR! BOOM! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! DSHERRR! BOOSH! BOOSH! BRRUUMM! DISCH! KA-BLAM!

I really wish I knew how to write explosion sounds better and gun shots better. But yeah that happened. Taye Diggs is the perfect storm of man. I’m just saying he seems to me to meet every and all criteria I feel like I could think of. I could even add in that he is married and is a father and his wife is beautiful and talented and they met working together on Broadway and she isn’t some random floozy chick. I think that is great stuff too. So all of that. All of this plus the way he looks thrown together and I think chicks should all say “yes” to Taye Diggs.

Personally, I like Taye Diggs for two movies: Go and The Way of the Gun. I also like Equilibrium and Malibu’s Most Wanted. But Go and The Way of the Gun are great great flicks. I have watched both a lot. The Way of the Gun specifically is a movie I down right love. I love everything about that movie. Not really because of Taye, but he is good in it. Ryan Phillipe is good, James Caan is good, the storyline is good, all the action scenes are good. But Benecio Del Toro is the mf-ing man in that movie. As for Go, that movie is simply very enjoyable from start to finish.

In conclusion, Taye Diggs y’all. I don’t see a single reason why a woman would answer “no” if she was asked if she would hypothetically have sex with him. I hear about those “freebie” lists for married couples. Who would your husband or wife have to allow you to sex with if given the opportunity? I get those and Taye Diggs doesn’t need to be on those lists. You know why? Because he is a given. Taye Diggs is like accounting for gravity. He is already in the equation. If I was married and my wife had the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs then she have better have done it. God only offers a certain amount of chances in life and you need to seize them when they are presented. If she asked me if it was ok I would respond “do what you gots to do” or “yes”.

If my wife did have the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs and chose not to? I’m not saying we would get divorced. I’m not saying I would dump her immediately. But I would think about it. What kind of crazy woman have I married who would pass up the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs? It would really make me wonder what marriage I have gotten into. I mean we might get divorced or break-up. That could happen. It could also happen that we stay together and then for the rest of the time together I seriously question her decision making abilities like I had never questioned before. Hey, honey you should try the “orange chicken” from that new Chinese place. It’s great. Hmmmm… “great”? I’m pretty sure having sex with Taye Diggs would’ve been “great”, but you passed that shit up. What do you know about “great”? I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I would be thinking it.

Are you apart of the willing and winning 95%? You should be.

Can you think of any others who fit “The Taye Diggs Corollary”?

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109 Responses to “It Is About Time I Add A New Catchphrase To Your Lives”

  1. Susanelle said

    Hmm… I guess I’m verging on ridiculous and wrong, but if I’m having fantasy sex, I like the guy to be a bit more willowy — like, if I had to choose from a group that included Taye Diggs and that group also included Will Smith, Chris Rock, Prince, a young Stevie Wonder, a young (and alive) Miles Davis and a young (and not assholish) Eddie Murphy…. well, Taye is coming in last.

    OK, all right, I’ll have sex with Taye Diggs. But quit taking all the covers, you gigantic swollen man!

  2. Zees84 said

    I can not believe you appealed to my rational side and intellect to convince me that I should want to sleep with someone I previously had no interest in.

    That has GOT to come in hand*y at bars!

    p.s. One of your best posts, I believe.

    • Zees84 said

      P.S. I may have started a three-way* Venn Diagram to illustrate the “Taye Diggs Corollary”, but I actually have a lot to do at work today, so I couldn’t continue. Really, great job today.

  3. tiffanized said

    I’m sorry. I can’t get past the last picture of Taye Diggs with its “rub and sniff” directive.

    • Lala said

      Me neither. It took me a few moments to actually understand what I had read: “rub his chest”

    • campbelld said

      I noticed that as well. Was it part of the add? Like the add was scratch and sniff? Or were they instructions on what to do if we encountered the actual Taye Diggs. I am perplexed.

    • PWG said

      I just enlarged that picture looking for clues, and it says, “It’s part of my little regimen to apply essential oils (purchased from N.Y.C. street vendors.) I rub them into my hands and then rub them in like lotion right after the shower.” o_O

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Oh My, now all I can think of is a Taye Diggs shower scene. Jordan, do you know of this in one of his movies? I would like to see it please and thank you.

  4. Julienne said

    Hmmm. Yes on the Taye Diggs sex thing, but he would be close to the bottom of my list for the same reason mentioned by Susanelle. Now Benicio Del Toro on the other hand? Top five for sure, so thank you for at least mentioning him in your post today.

    Otherwise these days, there is only one ‘free sex’ dude on my radar, and all the ladies of this site know who that is, heh.

  5. Pol said

    Benicio? Really? Man is unintelligible…
    I luuuurve Taye… would also do Alan Shore (character only, James Spader creeps me out) from Boston legal… and Alan Rickman…sigh.
    Tyrese Gibson is also a specimen of beautiful man-meats.

  6. Zees84 said

    I know what I’m getting KSWI Jordan for Chanukah!

    Ok, now I’m really going to do some work.

    • PWG said

      Wait, a gift certificate for one, or you’re going to perform it yourself? The way she says, “and prostates” makes me rear my head back away from the monitor, much like when horses see rattlesnakes on the ground. MLF knows what I’m talking about.

  7. kt said

    I would totally have sex with Taye Diggs. I previously thought he was hot and would have had sex with him based on that alone, and while I knew he did musical theater I didn’t ever really factor that into the equation. With all of the evidence you have compiled here I think we should change this corollary to “All Women Should Want to Marry Taye Diggs”. I don’t think one time between the sheets would be enough to satiate the need for all that is Taye Diggs.

    I would do Tom Cruise circa Top Gun and Cocktail. Actually, when I was a kid (read 10-ish years old) I had a hugely epic crush on Tom in Cocktail. I watched that movie like every other day and had a cassette of the soundtrack. Tom Cruise circa Nicole Kidman and post Nicole Kidman can jump off a cliff and I would be relieved.

    I don’t know if this is a case of “bitches hatin bitches” but I hate Jessica Alba. HATE.I love Katy Perry though. And Scarlet Johansson. There are a handful of women that could get it from me, and they both fit in there*. Part of the draw is the boobs (I totally get the male preoccupation with them) and while Selma’s are more than adequate, I would probably pass on her. She just doesn’t do much for me. Being a straight female I feel like I am allowed to say that and not be part of the haters.

    I was always the pink power ranger.

  8. Crystal said

    I love Taye Diggs. Want to know why? Oh….you already posted almost all the reasons. The one you left out? He’s married to Idina Menzel! I LOVE HER! I would totally do her. Anyone that talented should be done by anyone and everyone at any given opportunity, and it wouldn’t make her or any of those people sluts either. Because she’s that great.

    Do you know who else was in Wicked? Who played the SAME part that Taye Diggs did? Joe Mcintyre. 🙂

    Yeah, I did a smiley face. What of it? I love him and he deserves a G-D smiley face. I would fuck that man so hard….but he’s married and his wife juts had their second son. I have morals.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      Joey Joe was my favorite New Kid. 🙂 He is also the only reason I started watching Dancing with the Stars. I still think he is a cutey, but I had to draw the line at their recent NKOTB(except now we’re really old) tour.

      • Crystal said

        I went to that tour, I prefer solo Joe but I shall support him in whatever he does. Including knocking his wife up fairly regularly.

  9. PWG said

    Well the Vulcan mind-melding must be complete. Almost every thought I had while reading today’s post was covered in the comments or later in your post. I got to the scratch n’ sniff picture and came to a screeching halt too. I stopped reading and came* down to the comments to see if it had been addressed, and yes thank you very much it had.

    I was going to raise the “but is he on the list of five freebies” issue and Jordan covered it. So I’ll just say this: he looks like he shaves off all his body hair. The head – fine, bald is no problem. The rest of him just looks insanely manscaped. It’s not for me. I really liked him on Day Break on ABC, but apparently I was the only one since they canceled it.

    • PWG said

      I don’t think the body shaving is in the same category as pointy elbows. He could fix it anytime he wanted to, for one thing, so it’s more about how he presents himself. It makes me see him as feminine and I think it’s tougher to overcome gender preferences than body part preferences. I think a ton of women are beautiful, works of art almost. I don’t mind looking at naked women in the least. But I’ve yet to see a naked woman who made me feel like touching her sexually.

      I posted a link once about how straight men mostly like the same female body types, but women’s lust was scattered all up and down the male body spectrum. I think that makes it harder to prove the Taye Diggs Corollary.

  10. Pol said

    Good for you Crystal 🙂
    Jessica is just not a good enough actress, but I do like her. Talent also carries massive sex appeal so I prefer Scarlett.
    Also I’m tired of Katy and her fake lezzines.

    NEVER wanted Tom Cruise…ewwwwwww. Only liked Last Samurai and Collateral acting wise.

  11. Amy D said

    No throw back mention to Esperanto on this 150th b-day of LL Zamenhof?? I’d love to take credit for that piece of info, but Google told me. I believe it was either Zees or PWG that said all roads lead back to KSWI Jordan…..

    I am a part of the willing 95% that is for sure. Smart, talented and sexy – how in the hell is there a 5% even on the fence or saying no at all??

  12. tiffanized said

    These men may fit The Taye Diggs Corollary, in that they aren’t popular enough to be hated and are generally good looking guys that I can’t envision most reasonable women turning down:

    Goran Visnjic.

    Bradley Cooper. May be popular enough now that more than 5% of women hate him, but I’d be willing to argue their wrongness.

    Michael Vartan.

    John Corbett. You may have to travel back a few years for him to truly fit the Corollary.

    Channing Tatum. Based solely on physical appearance, of course, as I have only seen him in one movie preview.

    • Zees84 said

      John Corbett as Aiden (the second time).

      Yes, please.

    • kt said

      I would do all of those guys. Channing Tatum would be based strictly on looks only because he seems like a very… ummm dull… person. All beef and nothing else I guess. I could totally be wrong. I don’t know if my opinion counts however. I’m not that all particular.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      Bradley Cooper & Michael Vartan, 2 reasons why I watched Alias faithfully. Hot guy factor is a very key component to earning me as a viewer when it comes to television.

    • MLF said

      Out of all of those guys the only one I would want to fuck is Michael Vartan. *shrugs* I’m wierd. oh well.

  13. cms said

    I think your man-crush on Taye Diggs has clouded your judgment. I’m a woman, not a lesbian, and would not have sex with Taye Diggs hypothetically or in reality. Yes, his body and face are aesthetically proportioned well, but this doesn’t mean my lady parts are all in a tingle over him. I don’t think this makes me “ridiculous” or a “liar”. I will agree with you on Tom Cruise. He’s so pretty he’s ugly, and that is in no way fuckable.

    Oh Jordan, you think you know women so well. *wink*

  14. HE’S FROM NEW JERSEY?! Taye Diggs for the intelligent, fit, sensitive, motherfucking WIN.

    In a world where I have no problem being intimate with a complete stranger, and I don’t have all those fun little self doubts warning me he’s out of my league, and where you don’t have to consider if the person is married and has children and a life that you might ruin… then yes, I’d do Taye Diggs in a heartbeat. Half a heartbeat, even.

    Off the top of my head, I’m drawing a blank on who else might fit The Taye Diggs Corollary. Will Smith? Ryan Reynolds? Brad Pitt? Johnny Depp? Christian Bale? George Clooney? Matthew McConawhatever? Who are the other stereotypical hot guys? I should be able to answer this question. Fail. I’m actually really bad at just being attracted to people based on looks. I over-think everything. I’m much more drawn in by personality, hence my #1 celebrity crush being Jason Bateman. And Conan O’Brien is also totally on my list. WTF, right? I know. It’s weird, not to mention completely absurd. They’re celebrities, not someone you’re bringing home to mom.

    I feel like we’re getting very close to a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill…

    All of this was brilliant and dead on, but I have to disagree with you on the Tom Cruise thing. I wouldn’t sleep with him. He’s 3 full inches shorter than me. I’m really weirded out by that. Like I feel uncomfortable just hugging guys shorter than me, so I can’t even entertain the idea of doing anything more than that. I won’t deny that he’s a decent looking guy, but I’ve never even considered him in a non-platonic way. Plus all of that lunatic Scientology shit? Eesh. So no, I wouldn’t sleep with him. Call me ridiculous or a liar or whatever it is you said, but no sexytimes for Mr. Cruise.

    I wish I owned The Mighty Ducks

    • MLF said

      agreed, I wouldn’t boink someone that much shorter than me. I can barely tolerate same height, although for some fucking purposes same height sex is sometimes convienant. Like in the shower. But Tom Cruise is so short that he would need a ladder to fuck me standing up. And a ladder in the shower is just an accident waiting to happen.

      Also he is a duche. So there would be no effing him, ever, no matter what.

      • Pol said

        Brad Pitt is not ageing as well as George Clooney… and he is not with hot Angelina Jolie… she was was smokin but now she is ‘I look like an alien with veins throbbing in forehead’ so sad… their hotness cancelled each other out.. entropy.

  15. PWG said

    Tiffanized posted a picture of a young, shirtless Paul Newman on her blog the other day, and that’s the closest thing to the Taye Diggs Corollary I’ve ever seen. He was hot, he was kind, he was generous, he was intelligent and he was a great actor.

  16. tiffanized said

    I think several people have hinted at this, and I want to throw it out there* for my fellow female commenters/readers: Do you need more than a visual attraction to a man to make the “do him or don’t him” decision?

    For instance, I have a list of dealbreakers that have nothing to do with physical appearance:
    1. Chews with his mouth open
    2. Sits in trees and kills things on the weekends
    3. Makes racist/sexist/classist remarks
    4. Poor junk hygiene
    5. This one is near and dear to my heart: Replaces “-er” with “-a” in text messages. Afta. Showa. Wuteva. Betta. I was perfectly willing to sleep with this man, and he talked me out of it by refusing to type one extra letter. Or letta.

    Then there is the flip side, attributes that would encourage me to screw someone even if I didn’t find them very physically attractive:
    1. Great laugh
    2. Nice to animals/old people
    3. Altruistic
    4. Recognizes/responds to sarcasm
    5. Would take care of me if I had the stomach flu

    What I’m saying is that the selection process is more complicated for many women. Honestly, it’s amazing I sleep with anyone at all.

    • Pol said

      Agree with everything you say, smell is very important too…right pheromones and stuff…imagine Taye’s chest really does smell of chocolate, vanilla and sandalwood…

    • To me, it’s very rarely about the physical. The only physical characteristic that is at all important to me is height. You must be taller than me. Same height I can consider, but shorter is a hands down dealbreaker. Other than that, it’s 100% personality.

      My “type” in a nutshell: sarcastic, intelligent, genuinely good person that is someone you can bring home to mom but will still get into some trouble with me every once in a while (not like legal trouble – let get drunk and do stupid shit trouble). Charitable and love of animals would also make me melt immediately. Basically, if we can’t laugh about the same stuff and we can’t have an intelligent debate about something, then there is really no attraction. I stupidly apply that to my celebrity crushes as well, which is why I never got on board the Taylor Lautner train.

      I can’t see the video, but please tell me that’s “Wash Yo Nutz?”

      • tiffanized said

        It is! It is “Wash Yo Nutz”!

      • kt said

        See… I would say these are more qualities that are required for dating, more than just doing someone. Other than the height thing. Short guys are kinda creepy. I mean I think there needs to be some chemistry in order to sleep with someone, but if I am just gonna sleep with them I dont need to be sure that he can make me laugh as well as carry on intelligent debate (excellent qualities all men should posses by the way).

        I think tiff’s list is pretty accurate for me on the “would I do you checklist”. Little things that say alot about a person without getting to deep, because I’m just here for the party not the whole holiday season.

      • tiffanized said

        Also, I can’t use height as a dealbreaker, because I have a lifelong commitment to F&Bing Frank Iero, who is at least one and possibly as many as four inches shorter than me. Shorter only becomes an issue for me if the guy lies about it, which really means the lying is a dealbreaker and not the shortness.

    • Zees84 said

      Agreed. Ryan Phillippe was on my list for a very long time and then he cheated on his wife. Good looks only get you so far. Goodbye Ryan. (hello Jake?)

    • PWG said

      I dated a man who was my ideal in ninety-nine out of one hundred ways once. Tall, sexy, deep voice, loved hockey and small children and dogs. Funny as hell, incredibly handsome, smart. He took care of me when I was hungover, and planned the best first date ever. We smoked cigars in a canoe in the middle of a lake, after lugging the damn thing down a cliff.

      Then during a bike ride on our sixth or seventh date he said, “Look at that jigaboo over there.” He was Canadian, and I tried for a minute to convince myself, “Maybe in Canada that isn’t an insanely racist thing to say,” but that was our last date. I’m still sad he turned out to be an asshole in one of the dealbreaker categories.

      • PWG said

        If “jigaboo” is also a term for a rare and beautiful Canadian bird, please no one tell me. It would’ve had to be sitting on a branch behind the black man Ken was pointing at, though.

    • MLF said

      I don’t really have a type..of course I value the typical sweet, funny, kind blah blah blah traits, but really what I tend to gravitate towards are men with dominant personality types. I think this is because I spend the majority of my time in a leadership position, and it gets very tiring. Yes, I enjoy it for the most part, and fortunately it’s one of my strengths, or I wouldn’t be pursuing it, but I can’t tell you how much I enjoy when I get to be bossed around and told what to do. Nothing turns me on like when I go to a restaraunt and my date orders for the both of us…and in the bedroom..well…
      The second thing I value most is chivalry. If you want to take me out you dam well better plan on picking me up, opening my door, and pulling out my chair/stand when I stand, sit after I sit.

      And thirdly is a good sense of humor and optimism in general. I laugh a lot, probably far more is normal, and I tend to be a very optimisic person so I can’t date people who aren’t the same way. It just doesn’t work- they think I’m delusioned, and I spend all my time trying to cheer them up to my level. Waste of time.

      • Pol said

        Also cannot handle a stupid man… there’s stupid to the point of being sweet but still fuckable and then there’s the type that are successful but still horribly dense.
        Shudder… you will get nowhere near my ovaries.

      • MLF said

        bahahaha an excellent point Pol

        I agree. I can’t handle stupid. Actually I dislike the word stupid so I would clarify and say I need someone as intelligent, if not more intelligent, than I am. Plus I love to argue (as does my whole family) so whoever I am with needs to be able to hold their own in a debate, or they would be eaten alive at my family’s dinner table.

    • Crystal said

      2. Sits in trees and kills things on the weekends.

      You Win.

      Oh wait, you probably weren’t referring to Edward here….that’s where my mind went until I started actually typing this out.

  17. PWG said

    I think I have the opposite of that pointy elbow syndrome thing. I can get fixated on one specific body part in a good way. My husband has a diamond shape on the bridge of his nose, and I’ve been fascinated with it since the first time I saw him. fake-Edward has a droopy left eyelid that I keep staring at. Oded Fehr had the shiniest black hair . . . I think it’s good you keep your sternal head covered up, Jordan. It could be the thing that puts me over the edge.

    This whole package works for me too, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it only got a 50/50 TD Corollary vote.

    • Crystal said

      I like that he’s cuddling his feet. I thought he was cute at one point…not so much now.

    • PWG said

      Yeah, he needs to embrace his hair loss and lose the plugs. Although Paul Newman’s not looking like a good current choice either, without a shovel or a time machine. I’m going to hell.

      • Or a penchant for necrophilia…

        (You didn’t specify that, so I just wanted to make sure that we’re listing all the hypothetical things that don’t exist/you wouldn’t be ok with… right?)

      • PWG said

        Oh, I think the shovel implies necrophilia. Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve debated the finer points of sleeping with a corpse today . . .

        I’m just sayin’, he’s one time machine and a bottle of chloroform away from a good octothorping.

      • campbelld said

        That would not be a misuse of a time machine in any sense. I would do that, even just to go back in time and hang out with Paul Newman.

  18. MLF said

    I don’t really know what to say- other than that once again, I would NOT eff Taye Diggs. As I’ve said before, there are a lot of people I would eff the s out of. He is not one of them.

    There are very few famous people I would want to have sex with. Off the top of my head, the only people who come to mind are Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Jake Gyllenhaal, Edward Norton, Chad Westwick, Tom Sturridge, and Chace Crawford.

    I’m not saying those are the only people but, off the top of my head..well, those are the only ones.

    And of course, I love Rent, and Wicked (I’ve actually performed pieces from both of those, along with Phantom of the Opera)…but guys who can sing don’t really do much for me. I’ve been singing my whole life, in Church and School. I’ve done Solo and Ensemble, District and State Festival for Chorus every year since sixth grade. I love to sing, I love doing musical theater, and I love competitions..but I haven’t loved many of the guys I’ve met through that sort of thing. Firstly, many (if not most..) of them are gay. Secondly…I don’t know. Maybe I’m just insensitized to it? Who knows. What I do know is that never in a million years would I fuck Taye Diggs. If that makes me a hater, I’m ok with that.

    Awesome post though. I’m reading this on my phone and I literally walked into a wall because I was laughing so hard I wasn’t paying attention

    • MLF said

      Also- I don’t like really muscle-y guys. That could be partly to do with it. Like, when I look at guys who have washboard abs I’m just like..meh. If they are all big and muscle-y from doing manual labor, then I find it attractive. If it is from long hard hours put in at the gym…I don’t like it. I actually find it a turnoff. I’m also the type of person who runs outside though and refuses to step on a treadmill. I like to look at the scenery I guess. I also love the way cold air burns your lungs when you run. fun fact.

  19. PWG said

    God, was it sweeps week on WordPress, Jordan? “Let’s see, I want to increase the comment count to insane levels today, so it’s either haiku again or . . . . hey, ladies, why don’t you talk about hot men for a while?” Mmmokay.

    • I got entirely carried away today and turned it into some weird Match.com profile. I have trouble playing the “who would you eff” game though because, as I believe I’ve more than proved, I’ve put way too much thought into it. I’m not even a get drunk and make out with a stranger type of girl.

      God, I’m so boring. Sorry, everyone.

  20. Julienne said

    Can I just say that I really like reading all these hot guy comments today? It’s totes making my 10 hour day that much more enjoyable.

    Yes on John Corbett as Chris from Northern Exposure. And yes most definitely Benicio as Vincent from Excess Baggage. CRAPtastic film, but he was so adorable in it!

    My #1 ranking is a tie between the sparkling one himself and Mark Ruffalo. Hands down!

    • kt said

      Wow. Someone else who appreciates Excess Baggage. I think we need to be friends because none of mine get it.

      • Julienne said

        I agree, plus our icons are similar and they kick ass. But really, who can resist dialogue like “Let’s see, we’ve got rum, tequila and rum. Rum and tequila. What would you like?” I love that movie!

        Ditto on Jude Law PWG! Forgot about him, man.

  21. PWG said

    I’m holding out for a Paul Giamatti, Jude Law and Megan Fox foursome. At first Megan will be all, “I’m taking most of the Jude Law action, PWG, you stay on your side of the waterbed with Paul.” Until he punches her in the head, and then she’ll realize she chose wrongly.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      True.

      Until Paul Giamatti does something weird. I’d say odds are 80/20 that he will.

      Her best bet would be picking you (awwww).

      Also, I’m finding a dearth of Hispanic men mentioned on these lists. I’ve seen a couple mentioned, but not enough.

      White women have a soft spot* for the Latinos.

      • Zees84 said

        Well well well, PWG. You win. A direct compliment from KSWI Jordan.

        You joined the FB group, didn’t you?

      • Julienne said

        You mean like Luis from Sesame Street??

        No, seriously. Javier Bardem.

        Yep. Every time.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I’ve been waiting for the Javier Bardem mention.

        Excellent actor. Seemingly smart. Interesting. Good interview.

        Range too. He started out as romance novel cover muscles and went to needle drugs skinny and now he is normal sized.

        Also tall. Deep voice. And as mentioned he’s a spicy latin.

        Does it count as “bossy” that I simply tell you, the commenters, not only what I think is going on in your brain, but what I think should be going in your brain?

        I’m leaving work. I hope lurkers decide to post. I talked about what men you women should have sex with for Christ’s sake. Yesterday I talked about hanukkah, sports, and a homeless man masturbating. What more could you ask for?

      • Yeah, like you don’t know what you’re doing when you play the bossy card. It’s like claiming that you post pictures of suits and tattoos because you like them and not because it makes us vagina-havers go all batshit over you in the comments. You have us all wrapped around your virtual finger; you know it, and so do we. Truth is everyone around here gets off on poking each other with a stick. It’s sadistic, but hell if it isn’t fun.

      • kt said

        Pictures of sternal head and the other 7 tattoos. Or is that just me??

      • MLF said

        nope. I want those too. so do all the common taters, I’m pretty sure

      • The mental image I have of Jordan struggling to take pictures of his own tattoos (I assume some are in difficult-to-self-photograph locations and I doubt he’s going to ask Dawgz for help with that task) is pretty priceless…

        What if they’re personal and he doesn’t want to share? What if he drunkenly got Three Wolf Moon on his chest and he’s ashamed? Or what if he really does have that fairy/dolphin/butterfly tramp stamp that I dreamed up and PWG cobbled together?

        If we’re really going to ask for more, I’d like to ask to see those in person. KSWI Jordan-con 2010?

      • MLF said

        I would be down for KSWIJ-con 2010. I love conventions and this one would probably be completely batshit crazy, which is always fun.

        also, if the tatt pics are personal, that just makes me want them even more.

      • kt said

        If he has three wolf moon on his chest I NEED to see it! I would fly all the way up to New Jersey to see it in person. I would commence Operation: Find and Worship. It would be like my pilgrimage to KSWI Mecca. Or those crazy people that pay thousands of dollars for the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast.

      • tiffanized said

        He should auction off pictures of his tattoos for charity. Like, if we pool together $100 for Make A Wish or something, he’ll post one. Which would make him altruistic, which will make at least three of us crazy with lust.

      • Zees84 said

        If Jordan has the easily photographed, yet vomit inducing “dragon” or “snail” tattoos…then I respectfully retract my months-long request.

      • MLF said

        personally, I still want to hear about your cherry popping.

        dam. that sounds sooo creepy typed

      • Julienne said

        Tall, deep voice, latin. You summed it up right there!

        Thank you for encouraging us to talk about hot men we would have sex with. I think this is the most I’ve commented on the same post since I started coming here. I believe that’s a sign my life may be lacking that certain something… Something meaning having sex with hot men who look like Javier, damn it!

      • Zees84 said

        Really, KSWI Jordan? Did you really write “What more could you ask for?”?

        I’ve been asking for months.

      • Pol said

        There’s a touch of sleaze about Javier I can’t get past (and it’s not the Alan Shore or Mr Gray sleeze that could charm my pants off) theoretically I should be wild about him but I’m not. Have been known to change mind though.

      • Susanelle said

        Aw, I thought we were only doing black men on this post.

        I demand separate posts for Hispies, Asians,Cock-asians, and Native North Americans.

        There’s too much cuteness in this wide wide world.

      • PWG said

        Well, it was more of a rhetorical foursome, meant to illustrate the perils of choosing the pretty (or in this case, balding, vain, punchy) package over the less pretty one. I do appreciate the sentiment that Megan would get better lovin’ from me than from the other two. If she reads some of the things I’ve said about her on your blog, it’s going to be a hate-fuck though.

        I think I’m crazy again today.

    • Megan Fox strikes me as someone who’s into weird shit like being punched during sex, so you could be wrong there… Have fun with Paul. I’ll take 90/10 odds on the doing something weird piece. I also don’t even want to think about his O face – bearded or not.

  22. aneira said

    first of all, metallica is annoying.
    Wicked was terrible. and i have not, nor do i have any intention of seeing Rent. i hear its just about gay people complaining. and hey, i love gay people! i really do. but honestly, the musical sounds annoying. How do i measure a year? days!! like fucking normal people!!! not cups of coffee or sunsets or fucking minutes??!?!! i am not a crazy person sitting in a padded cell counting the minutes until the year is over.
    thank you very much.
    “I believe all women want to have sex with Taye Diggs. By all I mean at least the 95%. If you say that you don’t want to have sex with Taye Diggs then you are either related to Taye Diggs or you’re wrong.”
    this made me laugh.

    • Crystal said

      *gasp* Wicked was terrible? You are dead to me. And you refuse to see Rent and you make fun of the lyrics that the late great Jonathan Larson wrote from his HEART!!

      Dead. To. Me.

      *stomps off*

      And yes, I’m 5 years old.

    • MLF said

      aniera in the future I will have to remember not to drink anything while reading your comments. I disagree with you , but omg absolutely hysterical.

  23. Forgetful Lucy said

    Not to repeat myself, but Taye Diggs? Hell to the Yes.

    I was thinking Hugh Jackman fits the Taye Diggs Corollary quite nicely. He has pretty much all the same qualities as Taye does except being from NJ. Who could hate Hugh Jackman? He’s WOLVERINE!

    OF COURSE I love Johnny Depp, but I don’t think he fits the TDC.

    Great post, hot guy factor for sure.

    • Pol said

      oooh, yes, Wolverine… and what about Robert Downey Jr… more in line with J. Depp though I guess but he was a great Tony Stark.
      I’m stopping now, drank way too much wine and can go on forver about hot male actors. Good night!

      • PWG said

        Robert Downey has some fine dark eyes. I thought he looked great in his Tony Stark incarnation. Speaking of Iron Man 2 (-ish) I kind of have a thing for Don Cheadle too. He comes across as smart as hell.

    • campbelld said

      Me and Hugh Jackman are pretty much the same guy. Except, he’s amazingly handsome, can sing, dance and be Wolverine. Sometimes, our hair looks alike.

  24. Julienne said

    Random hot guy Travis Fimmel. OH yes! Does anyone remember him from the short-lived 2003 TV drama Tarzan?! So do-able.

  25. AmyAlmost said

    I see your point and I don’t disagree. I don’t really like the sculptured guy thing. I mean it’s nice to look at but.. I don’t know if I’d want it in bed. Although I do like the uniform guy/hero thing – so maybe if Taye Diggs was a fireman or something then I’d be responding. But musical theatre? No appeal there. And just because a guy wears glasses doesn’t mean he reads.

    Ewan McGregor – there has been no Ewan mention. I mean trainspotting, pillow book, velvet goldmine, moulin rouge, a life less ordinary – choose your Ewan to love. He gives great accent and suit. Wears kilts and wasn’t in Braveheart.

    And that funny guy thing. Like Andy Samberg – all my friends want to eff him including my husband. Is Taye Diggs funny?

  26. Jessica said

    I have been a KSWI slacker. Remember when I posted 4 whole comments about a month ago? Then 17 credit hours caught up to me and I’ve been reduced to lurking ever since. I would sleep with Taye Diggs. He’s not on my celebrity “to-do” list, but if the opportunity presented itself I would jump right on that!

    I do have an affinity for Latinos, which is good because I practically live in Mexico.

      • Jessica said

        Close, Arizona. While you all are freezing your asses off, we’ve had 70 degree weather all week. We also get a flock of old people who migrate south every winter and crowd up the roads with their giant Buicks while making complete stops before every turn and changing lanes without looking. It’s a fair trade.

      • kt said

        hmmm that sounds like florida. except its 80 here.

  27. campbelld said

    Wow, this went out of hand. Pretty damn insane. Just quickly here’s my five women-just for a change.
    Scarlett Johansson, Lily Allen, Summer Glau, Ellen Page and my dear, sweet Emma Watson.

  28. Forgetful Lucy said

    Well there you have it, I think you’re on to something with this Taye Diggs Corollary. Keep up the good work.

    Comment Scatter, Go!

  29. Congratulations, Jordan. You broke 100 comments and not a haiku in sight… UNTIL NOW.

    Ladies love Taye Diggs
    Almost as much as they love
    The Situation

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