Can You Stop Saying “Intercourse”? – The Review

December 16, 2009

When I started writing this website oh so many Moons and marriage proposals ago, I had seen four Kristen Stewart movies. I had seen these four in this chronological order: Panic Room, Into the Wild, Twilight and Jumper. Yes, in fact I will count Kristen’s 17 seconds or so in Jumper as a “Kristen Stewart movie” I have seen. I sat through that garbage and it will count for the record. Since the start of this website, I have increased my Kristen Stewart movie viewing by 50%. I saw Twilight: New Moon en los teatros. And last night(!), I watched the famed, the lauded, the film that I have been told I need to watch over and over for the best understanding of Kristen Stewart’s adult acting experience: Adventureland.

Naturally, I have some thoughts on the movie.

I was pretty excited to see Adventureland. First and foremost, I wanted to see this movie in the theaters when it came out originally, but never got around to it. Well before I knew of Kristen Stewart and her want…. or should I say “well before I knew I knew of Kristen Stewart and her want” because technically we know of Kristen Stewart’s want whether we actively know it or not. Intrinsically we all know of Kristen Stewart’s want. It is like faith in God or a God like being. Or a feeling of everything getting better, evolving. Hegel believed that as time passed we are all progressing to a higher goal. Some believe that from order we are turning to chaos. As time continues we are breaking down and everything will collapse. Some just believe in time itself. We are simply being pulled through existence from a beginning to an end. No matter what one believes, we all feel something. We all can feel that something is out there that we cannot touch, taste, hear or see, but it is ever present and we continue to fill our lungs with air for it and, of course, that is like Kristen Stewart’s want.

I did want to see the movie. I never saw it. I put it on my Netflix queue and it finally arrived on Monday. Outside of wanting to see it just because it looked interesting, I began to want to see it to see Kristen Stewart in it. For better or for worse, I am thoroughly intrigued by Kristen Stewart’s film career now. This led me into a movie theater with screaming females which certainly was an experience in its own right. Now it has led me to Adventureland. I was severely curious to see how she would act in a movie without vampires, immortal love, werewolves, and half naked men every 10 seconds.

So what did I think of Kristen Stewart in Adventureland?

She wants it.

Holy fuck! Kristen Stewart wants it! I am not making this shit up people. Does it at all surprise you that she wants it as much as she does? Honestly, at some point I feel like I’m going to be wrong. She definitely wants it, but come on. How could she want it this much and all the time, too? It is mind boggling. I still cannot come to grips with the extent that her want reaches. Every time I see she has a new photoshoot or is a new movie or on TV, I fully expect to see her in it and not wanting it. I know it is blasphemy! But how can a mortal man be expected to understand the infinite? I am just a man! A hu-man! I do doubt the want sometimes.

Why? Because nothing lasts in this world. We all eventually die and things whither and crumble. Eventually mountains will erode and there will be nothing more than a dirt mound. The polar ice caps will melt and animals will go extinct. Stars will burn out and super nova and black hole. Everyone else in this world does want, but they stop. They stop wanting it because it is too tiresome. They stop wanting because they don’t have the time. They stop wanting it because there are just things they do not want. There are periods of “non-want” for everyone. There is an idea of finality. There simply is an end… to most things. And Kristen Stewart’s want is not one of them.  

I turn on the movie. I watch Jesse Eisenberg and his woes. He gets a job at an amusement park. He is given the task to handle the horse race game. He has a little funny scene where he announces the horse race and…

SHE FUCKING WANTS IT!

I bet the director, Greg Mottola, only told her to laugh. I bet Greg only told her to appear interested. I bet Greg mentioned that the shot would only last for a second. And I bet Greg was fucking blown away by the want. He had to have known about the want because he had seen her before that shot. I imagine Kristen went through some casting audition to get the part. I bet Greg saw Kristen at the audition and thought her want was because she was auditioning. A high amount of want is not surprising at an audition. Auditions are highly stressful and they have little time to impress these directors. He hires her and the next time he sees her is on set doing a table read most likely. Again, she wants it. She’s young and the table reads are anxiety driven because the cast is meeting for the first time et cetera. Now it’s time to film. Greg sees that she keeps showing up wanting it, but she’s young and he is misinterpreting her want as youthful energy.

First scene. All you have to do is pretend you are some girl who works at a shitty amusement park, who gets shitty pay, lives a fairly shitty life, and some new guy just did something mildly amusing and you are right there to hear it, so you laugh. Ok? Go.

BOOM! WANT IN YOUR FACE! IN YO’ FACE, SON! ALL OVER IT!

As for the rest of the movie, SHE WANTS IT! Every scene Kristen wanted it. Or should I say “wants it”? Because this want is not past tense. This want is like light. It doesn’t disappear. It just keeps traveling through space. The want Kristen exudes in each scene did not stop when Greg said cut nor does it stop when the scene ends. It exists as an entity in your life now that will remain in your consciousness forever. It will forever pervert your views on life similar to seeing a homeless man masturbate on a subway train. You can’t unsee her want. You can’t unexperience her want. You can’t ever wash yourself clean of homeless men shaking hands with their “little homeless man” inside their sweatpants. You are changed forever.

I was thinking this movie would change my opinion on Kristen as an actress and/or her career. It didn’t. I thought Kristen was the “girl who wanted it in the trailer park” in Into the Wild followed by the “girl who wanted it in the woods” in Twilight. And in Adventureland, Kristen is the “girl who wanted it in 1987 Pittsburgh”. If that was what Greg was intending then he got it with both barrels. I kind of think that is what he was looking for considering the majority of the scenes Kristen is in she is making out with either Jesse Eisenberg or Ryan Reynolds.

Kristen Stewart kisses a lot.

I have seen six movies that Kristen Stewart is in and I have seen her kiss 5 different dudes. I have not seen The Cake Eaters or The Yellow Handkerchief, but I’m pretty sure I have seen still shots of her kissing guys in those movies as well. I am fairly confident in saying that I believe Kristen Stewart has kissed more guys on screen than years that she has lived on this Earth. Or at least it is pretty fucking close. She is a stripper in Welcome to the Rileys so I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t kiss something in that. So I’m at 8, right? I need another 11. Either way, people have her kissing a lot. She is kissing up a storm in Adventureland. She does a lot more forehead rubbing in the Twilights, but she does some full on kissin’ and dry humping in this movie in more than half of her scenes.

As for the guys she is kissing, I’m not sold on Ryan Reynolds. I really feel like he was miscast. I like Ryan Reynolds. I like Ryan Reynolds when he uses his strengths of being quick, funny, generally likeable and energetic. In this movie he is slow, monotone, laid back, and he does not strike me as a particularly handyman. A maintenance man is dirty. Not unwashed, but not enough time between one dirty project to another to have time to wash. He looks clean throughout the whole movie. Also, he is supposed to be emotionally dirty because he is cheating on his wife, but he doesn’t strike me that way either. We only see his wife for a total of 5 seconds and she doesn’t leave much of an impression. Really I feel like Ryan underplays the role which I think is what Greg Mottola must have been going for because everyone really underplays their roles. A lot of that has to do with pacing and this had a slow pace.

Also, Kristen Stewart wants out of her clothes in this movie pretty badly. She strips down a few times in the movie. I think one reason could be she is wearing the same clothes over and over so they might stink or she is thoroughly bored with the clothes. She wears a Lou Reed t-shirt several times, a Husker Du t-shirt once, the amusement park t-shirt a bunch, the Vietnam jacket a bunch and a wife-beater. Outside of work t-shirt, she is almost always in that wife beater. She loves that wife beater. The Lou Reed t-shirt and the Husker Du t-shirt play into the best part of the movie which is the soundtrack. They did a great job with the soundtrack. A nice helping of The Replacements, Judas Priest, The Rolling Stones et cetera.

Outside of Kristen, her want, her hurricane of kissing and quick, but nice ass shot, what did I learn from Adventureland?

Drunk driving and weed are the bestest.

There are a lot of scenes in this movie where people are driving and in all of them the driver is “impaired” in someway or another. By far the majority of the driving scenes have the driver straight-up drunk. Kristen drives Jesse home and they are drinking rum together. She literally is drinking rum, kicks him out of the car, and then drives away. There is tons of implied drinking and driving also. Jesse’s father is a drunk and keeps a bottle of booze in the car by the driver’s seat. It is not a small bottle either. It is a full size bottle of bourbon. I don’t understand how it took that long for them to find it because it wasn’t exactly hidden. There is even one scene where a kid says he is high on cough medicine and he is, of course, the driver. But almost always the people are drunk on booze driving.

There is a drunk driving accident in the movie. It isn’t even that bad of an accident. Jesse gets all heart broken for really no reason. He “cheats” on Kristen by going on a date with some other girl where he kisses her and squeezes a single boob. He tells Kristen. She feels the need to break-up with Ryan Reynolds. Jesse finds out about Ryan and Kristen being together and freaks out. He confronts her and cries immediately for no reason, she cries back and they stomp away. Jesse gets drunk and then eventually gets in the car accident. Ok, I’m not saying you should drunk drive, but I’m pretty sure it was the emotional break-up/cry/angry driving that sent him into that tree and not the booze. The booze didn’t help per say, but you shouldn’t be driving while crying like a nancy boy anyway. And Jesse doesn’t get banged up in the accident either so drunk driving ain’t so bad according to 1987 Pittsburgh and Greg Mottola. The rest of the people who are not drunk while driving are at least stoned, which leads me to weed.

Marijuana will bring you friends, happiness and get you laid

That’s what I have learned. And you don’t even need much of it. At the beginning of the movie, Jesse’s college friend, Eric, gives him like 20 pre-rolled joints for free. Just for the hell of it. Just out of the kindness of Eric’s heart. This weed not only makes him the most popular guy at the amusement park, but it also garners the love of two different women. He gets two separate dates out of flimsy sandwich bag of weed. And these two girls? Great looking. Both are great looking. They’re the best looking girls at least within driving distance. Can you believe that? What a simpler time 1987 was and how I wish I wasn’t 4 when it happened?

The movie and Greg Mottola try to portray Eric as a bad guy in the end. He screws over Jesse by deciding to go to Harvard instead of Colombia. This screws up Jesse’s plan of living in NYC with Eric and his initial hope of going to Colombia (which was already being destroyed by his parents). But Eric gave him that pot. So Eric gave him what could have eventually led him to sleeping with both Kristen Stewart and the other town hottie, Lisa P. Jesse messed up the Lisa P situation where as he does end up sexing Kristen Stewart. So Eric got him laid. I don’t think Eric is a bad guy. He is the damn HERO of this movie! And what is Eric’s final decision? To better himself by going to Harvard business school? What a fucking bastard!?! Jesse is a cry baby meanwhile Eric is a great man.

So, I really disagree with Greg Mottola and how he is trying to portray some characters in this movie. I feel like he wrongly labels characters like Lisa P, Jesse’s dad, and Eric, as mentioned, as bad people. I’ve taken care of Eric and his superhero like abilities with his cornucopia of weed which he gives to Jesse. As far as, Lisa P and Jesse’s dad, I feel like Jesse is more to blame for any of their problems than they are.

Lisa P is supposed to be the typical gossipy, hot, stupid girl. She really doesn’t do anything that bad in the movie and I blame Jesse for telling her his “secret” than her telling everyone else. You have to know that if you want something to stay a secret then you don’t tell anyone and especially not gossipy co-workers. I blame Jesse. Also, Lisa P. doesn’t come across that stupid for “the stupid girl”. So her big “stupid” moment is that when she is stoned she isn’t paying 100% attention to Jesse and his lame ass story of Charles Dickens writing travel books about prison. Who cares? Jesse was mumbling anyway. Speak up kid! What was that? Travel books? What does Lisa what to talk about? Speed boats and sail boats. Not a bad subject. Why? Because they are stoned and standing in front of a store that has paintings of speed boats and sail boats. I feel like Lisa P’s topic of conversation is a little more appropriate than Jesse trying to sound smart because he knows a bit of trivia about Dickens. Fuck Jesse. Lisa P is an angel who just loves to dance with her nearly indentity-less black friend, likes to get high and drink when not at work, is a virgin, wants a nice guy, and has a great ass. Leave Lisa P alone!

As for Jesse’s father. He is a prolific drunk driver. I’m not condoning this. His dad is going through major problems at work and is coping by heavily drinking all the time. This is completely understandable. It is not the best remedy to the situation, but it is understandable. There are no scenes where he is even a bad drunk. He is mellow, doesn’t yell or smack his wife. He’s just drunk. He also is completely coherent. They try to peg the dad as the bad guy for having the bottle of booze in the car that Jesse drinks from when he crashes the car. I’m not pro having a bottle of bourbon in the car. I’m not pro having a bottle of bourbon in the car that you drink from when driving. But Jesse’s dad wasn’t the one who got in the accident. Also Jesse’s dad didn’t force the booze down Jesse’s throat at gun point. That was Jesse’s decision, that was Jesse’s bad driving and that was Jesse crying like a little girl. So leave Jesse’s dad alone.

In conclusion, the movie was pretty good. I liked it a ton more than Twilight, but Into the Wild still is much better. I don’t think Greg Mottola did the best job with it and it certainly could have been better executed. It felt sort of poorly designed. It seemed like there was a lot cut out and it really didn’t have much of an identity much like Lisa P’s dance partner. It was fighting with itself to be a comedy and a drama and a coming of age tale. I walked away from the movie feeling how I walked into the movie that Kristen Stewart could be used a lot better. And that chick wants it.

And Adventureland provided me with a very entertaining moment of trivia – The character Em nervously touches/fixes her hair 55 times throughout the course of the movie. Thank you IMDB. Thank you.

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65 Responses to “Can You Stop Saying “Intercourse”? – The Review”

  1. I haven’t seen Adventureland. I wanted to, but never got around to it. However, I’m now reminded that this is indeed a blog about Kristen Stewart and that I should be doing my homework if I want to play with the cool kids…

    I saw Fantastic Mr. Fox last night. That’s about as relevant as I can get right now – we both saw movies last night. For what it’s worth, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I also thoroughly enjoy a certain obscure British folk rock band (complete with banjo) at the moment. That isn’t relevant at all, but figured I’d throw it out there along with my Fantastic Mr. Fox love in case anyone was wondering just how white I am.

    • Julienne said

      Ditto on not having seen Adventureland yet but wanting to, and I swear I’m seeing Fantastic Mr. Fox this weekend! It’s been on my radar since I heard rumblings about it last year, plus Wes Anderson is my future husband.

      If anything, I’m looking forward to walking down a musical memory lane with Adventureland.

  2. Lala said

    I had already watched Adventureland and I thought it was pretty cool, but definitely not something I would watch again. And I have to admit I just watched the movie because Kristen Stewart was in it and I wanted to see her in a movie that wasn’t Twilight, Panic Room or Jumper – Jordan said it counts as a Kristen’s movie, so it does.

    And Kristen does want IT the whole movie.

  3. tiffanized said

    The ubiquitous Bill Hader is the best part of Adventureland, followed closely by Velvet Underground’s “Pale Blue Eyes”, followed closely by the lanky bunch of precious that is Jesse Eisenberg. Kristen Stewart doesn’t even rank on the list of things I liked about the movie, but she didn’t rank on the list of things I didn’t like, either. She was just there. Wanting it.

  4. Crystal said

    I too have started watching all of Kristen’s movies lately….as homework. I have Panic Room at my house right now. I’ve seen that movie before many times but I need to watch it again and see if the little boy, I mean Kristen Stewart still wants it. I need to see if she wants it as a little boy. And I need to see Jared Leto with cornrows again, it’s been too long.

    I always thought that person was a boy pretending to be a girl. And then she goes and gets all hot. What the hell?

    I liked Adventureland for the most part, she was drunk/high/in love with a person not a vampire Bella in it though. Same person.

    I also watched Rocket Science the other day since KSWI Jordan raves about it so often. I was unimpressed and Anna Kendrick was a bitch in it. She seems to play bitches quite well though. Congrats to her for her Golden Globe nomination. She’s probably a bitch in that movie too.

  5. Susanelle said

    Ha! This is so psychic!

    I was thinking that, after a post inviting us to list our celebrity crushes, you would then get us to describe our ideal date.

    So part of my ideal date would be seeing a good movie and discussing it… but it would start off with smoking a goodly amount of pot!

    This post is 2 for 2!

    The rest of my ideal date involves nachos, playing trivia in a bar, indoor swimming in a heated pool and complimentary Spanish coffees. Anyone?

    • PWG said

      I’m with you on the movie, nachos, trivia and coffee. All my knowledge is trivial anyway. I’m not a pot smoker but I did send a sternly worded e-mail to all 7 members of my city council this morning after they banned medicinal marijuana dispensaries in my city with no constituent input.

      I told you about my great first date with a closet Aryan yesterday. What could be better than a cigar in a canoe? She gets to see him show off his muscles when it’s his turn to paddle, and he gets to see what she’d look like giving him a blow job when she’s smoking the cigar. No distracting people around, it’s much funnier to say “Come here often?” when you’re in the middle of a lake, and in the worst case scenario you can drown the other person. Nachos and an evolved date would have made it better.

      • Susanelle said

        YESSSS! It was your cigar in a canoe that made me think about ideal dates!*

        Too bad he was racist… it almost doesn’t make sense… how can a person have all the other fab qualities this guy obvs had yet be so weird about skin color? Usually racists are unenlightened about other things as well… they’re sexist / they hunt and fish / they’re on ego trips / etc.

        Was he teachable at all? Do you think you could have brought him round with time and patience?

        Could there have been any other possible reason, no matter how ridiculous, for his making that remark? Was he testing you, maybe?

        I just can’t give up on that guy.

        Also, I feel you should turn that whole episode into a short story or short film.

      • PWG said

        I know, it was a tragedy. Maybe he was just trying to think of the fastest way to dump me without having to do it himself and he didn’t want to actually kick a puppy.

        I did the Bella in a hospital bed thing: wuh, no, um, what, wait, you just can’t say things like that to me. Don’t remember his follow-up, but it was some kind of confirmation that I didn’t mis-hear it. He had a younger gay brother, and he was totally cool about that. Hopefully his brother never brought home a black boyfriend.

        I think teaching someone not to be racist is beyond my capabilities without root access to their brain. Otherwise my family gatherings would be a great deal more civil. In the words of Dr. Horrible, “The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.”

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    I haven’t seen this movie either, SHOCKER! I know. I think I will though. I am a fan of Kristen Stewart’s Want of course, Ryan Renoylds is yummy and 1987 was in fact good times. I was in 7th grade, we went to the roller rink on Friday nights, I got a “Walkman” for my birthday, Johnny Depp and River Phoenix were the loves of my life which I declared by having their posters on my closet door. Everything was so “Rad” back then.

  7. PWG said

    I haven’t seen Adventureland, and halfway through the post I forgot who all the characters were. Gender neutral names like Jesse don’t help. I could’ve scrolled up, but that seemed like a lot of effort. I’m still exhausted from yesterday’s 100 gajillion comment topic.

    • I also got confused with the character names, namely because I’m trained on the Fake-Name combination. I’m a slave to KSWI, apparently.

    • Zees84 said

      P.S. I had a bear of a day yesterday. And not a good man-bear-poking-me-with-his-stick type either, so I couldn’t really participate fully in yesterday’s discussion.

      But I did want to suggest a candidate for the TDC:

      Joshua Jackson

      KSWI Jordan even mentioned The Mighty Ducks so I don’t know why I didn’t think of him before.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Pacey was my favorite. Dawson was a pussy.

      • Zees84 said

        Dawson was a pussy, while Pacey was getting pussy. Loved and hated that show.

        Also, there is a picture of JJackson that looks so much like my husband (and is currently his Facebook profile pic) that even he forgets it isn’t him. So I had to include him.

      • I once saw Joshua Jackson in person in his underwear. Next to him was Patrick Stewart, also in his underwear. I preferred Joshua Jackson in that situation, but normally he wouldn’t fit the TDC for me.

      • PWG said

        Did they both lose an awesome bet to you?

      • Not to me, but they may very well have to their agents who then forced them to do a mediocre (at best) play in London that required they both be on stage in their skivvies numerous times throughout the night…

        I paid the extra money for the funny binoculars that time.

    • Pol said

      Hear, hear on exhaustion from yesterday! Agree with Dawson bring a pussy, also hated Katie Holmes character: we called her puddin’ face. Now Katie Holmes is married to icky Tom Cruise, yeesh.

      Would like to see Adventureland as soon as all people in area stop hiring the movie all the friggin time.

      They made a movie of Fantastis Mr Fox?! Yay! I hope it’s good…

  8. Jessica said

    I saw Adventureland in theaters, and I thought it was pretty good. Not so great that I think about watching it again, but not so bad that I hated seeing it. Someone mentioned Rocket Science, which was an infinitely better movie. And now I have “Kiss Off” stuck in my head.

    This comment is my way of procrastinating my trip to the post office, where a huge line of angry people inevitably wait for me.

  9. MLF said

    I saw adventureland in theater, twice. I bought the DVD when it came out, and ironically I watched it last night. I like the movie. I also like pot. Infact I enjoyed some last night while watching the movie. I think it definitely improves it, as it does with many movies. Like Fight Club. I’m sorry but everytime I watch that movie (which is frequently since I own it) I become more and more convinced that it was not made sober.

  10. PWG said

    Since I’ve wandered away from the point again anyway, what’s the longest you’ve known someone before you realized they weren’t normal, per your own standards of normal? I think it usually happens with coworkers.

    I worked with a woman for seven years and one day at lunch she starts talking about a friend who “has the gift of tongues.” As in, speaking in tongues. A phenomenon she believed in utterly. I’m fine with most of what anyone else thinks, I mean I’m not inclined to mock them or think badly of them just because they think differently. But I admit my first thought was, “How did I not know you’re crazy after all this time?”

    On the other hand, a coworker once told me after three years that she thought I was a born-again Christian. I’m vulgar and blasphemous on a daily basis, so I don’t know how I slipped under her radar either.

    • Susanelle said

      Holy crow, as Bella would say. I think the important question here is “where do you work?”!!!!

    • Zees84 said

      What a great question…I’m trying to think. I’m pretty sure my coworkers figured it out about me on one of two occasions:

      1. During an 80s themed musical that we put on for an organization-wide lunch. (it was supposed to be funny and over the top, but still) and I was the DMC to my coworker’s Run. I had about 15 people come up to me after and say, “Wow, I didn’t know you had that in you*”.

      2. When a very honest and trustworthy coworker mentioned in passing during a 8 person conversation about teenybopper music and AOL chatting back in the day, “Oh, I had a common friend with one of the Hansons, and we used to chat online,” and I literally nearly passed out. I had to take my suit jacket off because my 14 year old self was having a full blown teenybopper fan-gasm. I am highly professional.

      It might also have been when I told someone after the fact that the first time I was in a bar in my life was when I was 23 and newly pregnant, so I couldn’t tell anyone why I wasn’t drinking. I was focused on the alcohol/pregnancy irony, they couldn’t get past how old I was.

      My ten minute old judge of character is this: Do you think THIS is normal or not? I have high standards.

    • Jessica said

      I’ve experienced that phenomenon with coworkers. I’ve also had the opposite happen, where I think someone is way off my “normal” radar, but then they end up being one of my favorite coworkers. Maybe because I’m way off my own radar of normal.

    • Unfortunately I don’t have any good stories like that, but I really wish I did. There is one woman who I thought was pretty run of the mill normal, only to find out that she dresses up her cats in costumes “because they like it.” She looks like Kenny Rogers and/or James Brolin though, so… shouldn’t have been all that surprised.

      But I personally prefer a touch of the crazy. The girl that sits next to me started one week after me. I disliked her because I thought she was a brown-nosing dullard of a teacher’s pet. Turns out she just knows how to work the corporate machine and is actually out of her mind. She plays rugby, drinks like a champion, and has some of the best parties. She’s now one of my good friends. Awwww! It only took me a year to figure out that she was a lunatic in disguise.

    • tiffanized said

      I’m a Southern Baptist–we have the tongues, the healings, the prophecies, the people who refuse to donate organs because they think they’ll need them in heaven. I forget how abnormal that looks from the outside. I don’t necessarily believe in all of it, but I do believe things which land me on some people’s crazymeters. As long as I don’t land on any rude, offensive or stupid meters, I’m okay.

      I have a wide standard of normal, so few people fall outside of it, but when they do, they really, really do. I tend to notice this almost immediately.

    • kt said

      I have a doozy of a story for this. So in college my bff/roommate was a theater major so we were used to weird people hanging out with us. This one girl seemed totally normal and we started to accept her into the group. Well she tells us all these stories about shows shes been in and stuff she is working on and like crazy stuff that looking back should have tipped us off. Anyways we had known her for several months when she ends up getting my bff an audition for one of these shows shes in. The two of them are practicing all the time and my bff was totally stressed out and nervous yet also excited. She sends her audition tape and the guy likes it so next thing we know he is coming to see her in person.

      The night he is supposed to show up he is in this horrible accident and airlifted to the hospital and the crazy girl has to go see him and its all tragic and stuff. I google and find nothing and call her bluff. We facebook some people and slueth around the internet and find out there is no show whatsoever. She was making the whole thing up. We all stop talking to her and 2 weeks later she calls up my friend saying she has leukemia. The rest of us are skeptical but my friend is a great person and has a hard time seeing bad in someone so she consoles her and is just a good person to her… yeah turns out the leukemia was fake too. WHO DOES THAT?! I am honestly scared of this person to this day.

      • tiffanized said

        This was one time I didn’t see the freakshow coming: I met a woman in a writing course who mentioned that her computer was ancient and she couldn’t use it for writing. I am a bleeding heart from way back, so I harrassed every geek I knew until I found one willing to part with an old tower CPU. I hooked this up for her, at which time she mentioned that her printer–a dot matrix–was broken. I told her I’d keep my eye out and let her know if I found one. She called me every single day for six weeks asking if I found her a printer. I stopped taking her calls, but one day she got through and I finally said I’d bring her one. I went to Wal-Mart and bought an inkjet printer (and extra cartridges and paper) just so she would leave me alone. When I went to her house to install the printer, she complained that the tower I’d given her had a broken CD drive. Sure it was broken–because it was full of soda residue and possibly rat droppings. So then she bugged me for weeks to fix the drive, and when I told her I couldn’t, she told me what a horrible person I was to give someone faulty equipment and then just leave them stranded, implying that my divorce was probably caused by my general disgustingness. I ended up in tears. Recently she called me, voice dripping with honey, to see if I could repair her cell phone that she’d dropped in a mud puddle. I told her I couldn’t and hung up before she could abuse me further, then had a little chuckle over the fact that her phone was fucked up. I’ve definitely grown as a person.

    • PWG said

      We had a receptionist in our office who unwrapped candy from the communal candy dish, licked it, and rewrapped it. Man, did she ever hate us. She’s gone, but I don’t eat that candy anymore.

  11. PWG said

    If you want to know if your own coworkers are sane, I recommend these questions:

    Do you like movies about gladiators?
    What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    You don’t by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      A) What do we say to the six finger man if we find him?

      2) Do you have a pet ferret? also works to weed out the crazy.

      • PWG said

        Yay, fast ball right over the plate: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

      • tiffanized said

        Wait, do crazy people have ferrets or not have ferrets? What about guinea pigs? If I were to tell you that I owned one of those balls with the tail that roll around would this make me more crazy or less crazy than if I owned a ferret?

      • PWG said

        Ferrets and guinea pigs are on my Not Crazy list. I’m cool with the ball+tail too. But that’s why I worded the original question as deviance from personal norm. I think your printer lady and kt’s compulsive liar would register on anyone’s list though.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Owner’s of Ferrets = Crazytown. My brother and I watched a documentary about Ferret people. They have shows and dress them up and treat them like babies. SO WEIRD. We were DYING laughing. Note to self, turn and run from any hot guy who has a pet ferret (not in his pants).

        Your ball with a tail is just hours of fun minus the crazy.

      • Lala said

        I used to have a guinea pig, does it make me crazy? And owning the ball with the tail that rolls around totally makes somebody crazy on my list, tiffanized.

      • PWG said

        You can have any legal non-lethal pet you want and I won’t think you’re odd if you don’t dress it up. I know someone with separate closets for her dog’s summer and winter wardrobes. I love her, and she’s crazy, and that’s fine. I just think there should be a name for that startling moment when you realize what you’re really dealing with. It’s funnier when it comes much later in the relationship than you’d expect. Unless you’re married to that person.

    • I think we’re being a little biased, personally. We can’t very well judge people on their habits and not include the following qualifiers:

      Do you write a blog about Kristen Stewart wanting it?
      Do you read a blog about Kristen Stewart wanting it?
      Do you comment on a blog about Kristen Stewart wanting it, and if yes, does your average daily comment count rank in the double digits?

      And for the record, there are crazier things than guinea pigs and ferrets as far as pets concerned. If you have pet hissing cockroaches or tarantulas or any other kind of creepy insect, we’re done.

      • Lala said

        Yeah, I think you’re right.
        I feel so much better knowing I am not crazy because of my pets.

      • Crystal said

        I used to have a ferret…that little bitch would grab on to the bars at night and shake them so hard she’d wake me up. I got rid of her after 3 months. haha

  12. I’m going to assume the title of today’s post is a quote from the movie, and that it might be referring to Intercourse, Pennsylvania?

    My boss went there one weekend and brought back some baked goods to give to our IT guys as a thank you. Instead of just saying she “got the cake from Amish country,” she kept prattling on about getting the cake “in Intercourse.” The IT guys are all Indian, so customarily very proper. I’m a pervy 25 yr old, so pretty much the opposite of that. It was the most awkward 15 minutes of all of our lives.

  13. kt said

    I saw Adventureland in theaters, also my roommate owns it so I think I have seen it at least twice in my living room. I don’t love it. I don’t hate it. Kristen Stewart totally wants it. Everytime I watch it I sing “rock me Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, oh oh oh Amadeus” for at least two whole days.

    • Lala said

      I had forgotten about that music! After I watched the movie i spent the whole day singing it, which was was annoying. Even more for people around me.

  14. campbelld said

    I should see this movie. I would say more here, but I am tired and my braincase hurts.

  15. Pol said

    KSWI says that there should be lots of kissing in movie where KS plays stripper…but strippers don’t kiss exactly do they??
    Lol, anyway hollywood always gets it wrong so there might be a ridiculous amount of smooching.

  16. aneira said

    lmfao told you it was good!
    and i agree
    the movie was ah-dorable, but cud have been executed so much better. everything was so low key and the climax was like 2 seconds long and i know its supposed to be more of a realistic movie about a boring ass job and a dorky kid but the antagonists should have had larger more important roles and more intricate characteristics.
    and i love buffy the fuckin vampire slayer!!!!!!

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