The Kristen Stewart Edition of Kristen Stewart Wants It – Part II

December 18, 2009

Kristen Stewart: And all that talk about “sternal head”? I look for it all the time now. I can’t stop looking for sternal head. I feel like the more I say “sternal head” the more I’m turned on by it and the more sexual it becomes. Sternal head. Sternal head. Sternal. Head. I want it.

Arianny the intern: It’s hypnotic.

Sound guy Rick: I’m now self-concious of my own sternal head. For years I was that guy just showing off my ever graying chest hair. I was a four button guy. The highest button I would button on any shirt would be the fourth from the top. Now I’m a two button guy.

Camera man Carl: I’ve always been a two button guy.

KS: Taylor, Rob and I were backstage at the “Jimmy Kimmel Show”. I was just standing there really not paying attention. Rob and Taylor were in button up shirts and they were waiting for their ties because they decided they were going to wear ties that night. They both had their shirts completely buttoned up and I heard something. I wasn’t sure what it was at first, but I turned and looked at the two of them. They were talking and I wasn’t hearing them, but I was hearing something old, something primal, something struggling to get out. All of a sudden I knew what it was: their sternal heads. 

A: That’s hot.

C: What happened next?

KS: I just reached out and unbuttoned the top buttons on their collars. They stopped talking and looked at me. They didn’t move. I then unbuttoned the next two buttons for each.

R: Classic three button sternal head.

KS: And I heard that struggling voice say thank you. It wasn’t struggling anymore. It was free. I then reached out and placed my hands on each of their sternal heads and just breathed.

A: I think I would’ve cried or had an orgasm or something. It was like a religious experience.

KS: After a couple seconds, I removed my hands, my face went flush, and almost fainted. A stagehand caught me. They got me some water and I was fine. Then the ties arrived and Taylor immediately put his on. Rob buttoned his sternal head, but he felt like tonight was not a tie night anymore.

R: I feel like I’m going to faint just hearing that story.

C: Come to think of it, there was one summer that I was a three button guy and that was when I met my wife. Maybe I should start being a three button man. I think I’m going to unbutton-

KS: Do not unbutton those buttons. I’m not going to look at you anymore Carl.

C: Come on, Kristen!

A: Seriously do not unbutton those buttons. I don’t want to see your sternal head, Carl.

KS: I’m not looking that way until I am sure Carl is not showing his sternal head.

R: Yeah, man. Button that up.

C: This is discrimination against my sternal head!

KS: I’m calling a vote. Everyone who wants Carl to not show his sternal head say “yeh”.

R: Yeh.

A: Yeh times a million.

KS: Yeh. And those who are opposed? Nay.

C: Nay. What’s wrong with my sternal head?

A: 3-1 Carl. Button up.

C: I hate you all. I’m buttoned up Kristen! You can look at me again.

KS: So what are we supposed to talk about today?

C: It’s Friday and Friday’s are usually the week in review segment.

R: Yeah, Jordan will answer questions or comments that have been made throughout the week.

C: Well, not really “throughout the week”. Jordan forgets to write down or have us write down any questions and/or comments that happen from Monday to Wednesday. He really just pays attention to whatever questions were written on Thursday and answers them on Friday.

KS: Ok, so what questions were left on yesterday’s post?

A: Ummm… well… there’s not many.

KS: Ok,  how many questions are there for me to answer?

A: None.

KS: None.

A: None.

KS: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

A: No one really left any questions.

KS: This is fucking ridiculous.

R: It happens.

KS: What do you mean “it happens”?

A: It does happen.

C: From time to time, the commenters don’t really leave Jordan any questions.

KS: What the hell am I supposed to talk about?

C: That’s a good question.

R: Excellent question.

A: Jordan never asks that question.

KS: What’s that supposed to mean?

A: I’m just saying Jordan always writes about something. Somehow he pulls these posts out of his ass everyday. I think he’s crazy.

C: He is crazy.

R: Crazy. I went to dinner with him once and he ordered three shots of Jack Daniels and a bowl of New England Clam Chowder. Who does that? I have mainlined heroin for years, but Jack Daniels and soup? That’s just crazy.

C: That makes me want to throw up.

KS: Can we stay on topic? What should I do?

A: He shows a lot of pictures of you “wanting it”. Why don’t you just “want it” for a second?

KS: I want it.

A, C, and R: Wow! She wants it.

KS: I am Kristen Stewart and I want it.

A: You do. Kristen Stewart wants it.

R: Kristen Stewart wants it.

C: Kristen Stewart does want it.

KS: I am Kristen Stewart and I want it. I want it bad.

C: I feel like I’m going to faint now.

KS: Are we done?

A: Nah. We have a ton of time left. Kristen just talk about something. Anything.

 

KS: Do you watch “Lawman” on A&E?

R: Nope.

A: No, I don’t think I’ve ever turned on A&E.

C: I only watch what my daughters and my wife want to watch.

KS: You should start watching it. It is Steven Seagal as a police officer in Louisiana.

R: Really? The real Steven Seagal?

KS: Yeah, he’s huge too. He’s 6’4″ and he’s fat. I don’t think I ever realized how big of a guy he was. Everyone looks big in the movies.

A: So is the a TV show? He is just playing a cop?

KS: No no! He is a real police officer in Jefferson County Parrish, Louisiana. He has a gun, handcuffs and he is arresting people.

C: Bullshit. No way. No way are people allowing Under Siege to police them.

KS: It’s true! It’s amazing. He has been a deputy sheriff down there for 20 years. I doubt he ever policed until recently when they thought up the show, but he is now. It is really funny. You need to watch it.

R: I’ll DVR it.

A: Did anyone watch Jersey Shore last night?

KS: It was on last night?

R and C: Yes!

C: I watched it. It is about the only thing that my daughters watch that I am more excited about watching than they are.

R: Great episode last night!

A: Super great! There was so much dancing and drama!

KS: I completely forgot it was on. Everything else was old. They all had their Christmas episodes last week. Then the Indianapolis Colts played all their starters against Jacksonville. I just forgot.

C: Awww! I want to talk about it.

KS: Just tell me what happened. I’ll watch it later.

R: No. That ruins it. It is an experience from beginning to end.

A: I want to talk about it so bad. “House” music!

KS: Please guys, just tell me what happened. Jersey Shore is too good to not talk about. Plus it is still fun to watch even if I know what happens. I watched last weeks episode three times and it didn’t make Snooki eating the pickles any less funny each time.

A: Ok. Well the episode starts off with Pauly and Mike-

C: The Situation and DJ Pauly D have these girls they are hooking up with and Pauly’s girl is having her period so she stops Pauly from going down her pants and then while The Situation is looking for a condom the one girl talks the other girl into leaving.

A: The best part is The Situation comes back in the room seeing the one girl getting up to leave and he asks her if she is hungry. 

C: It was priceless.

R: The Situation is a genuine guy. I bet he would have made her eggs right then and there if that kept the girls there so he could have sex with his girl.

KS: So Pauly and The Situation are hooking up with girls in beds right next to each other?

A: Like two feet from each other.

KS: Wow that’s kind of weird. So the Situation lost out on sex because of Pauly? That’s harsh.

C: It happens twice too!

R: Later in the episode they have two more girls at their place and the one wants The Situation real bad, but the other girl is acting like a total bitch and is cockblocking.

KS: What was Pauly doing? If you’re “boys” then you’re supposed to handle that “situation”.

A: Exaclty, but Pauly just goes to sleep. He ruins everything.

C: Pauly completely balks on his responsibilities, but I don’ t care he is too funny. When The Situation is in bed about to have sex with the other girl-

R: The girl is completely naked with The Situation.

C: The other girl comes in and is talking her out of sleeping with the Situation-

KS: Oh my God that’s funny.

C: But the best part is when The Situation asks Pauly to walk the other girl home so he can have sex with girl who is completely naked in his bed and Pauly’s responds-

A: “I don’t fucking care.”

KS: Hahahah. Pauly is at least honest. So what happened with Sammi and Ronnie?

A, C and R: Uhhhhh….

KS: What? What happened? Please don’t say Ronnie hooked up with JWoww. She’s got her own problems with Tommy and Pauly. Did Sammi and JWoww get into a fight? Did she walk in on them!?!

A: Nah, nothing like that. Ronnie, well…

C: Ronnie cried.

R: He cried a lot.

A: Way too much. It was unattractive. 

KS: Whew. Jeez. Ronnie crying? Yeah, I don’t want to see that. I really don’t want to see that. Ugh.

A: I know. He is this short guy covered in all these muscles just balling his eyes out.

R: His eyes were pink from rubbing away tears by the time Sammi even showed up.

KS: What did she do?

C: First she accused him of hooking up with JWoww, which I’m not going to lie, I thought they were hooking up as well.

A: Agreed. He was only wearing a towel and they were in the room together. But when he rolled over and started talking.

R: He was crying. Then Sammi and him got in an argument, which was pretty funny because she started to cry.

KS: Really?

A: You know how us girls cry for the hell of it during an argument for sympathy especially when we are wrong and clearly losing the argument?

KS: Yes, naturally.

A: She tried to do that. It was pretty obvious that Ronnie was right. Vinny pulled Ronnie onto the dance floor to just have fun and then like 3 seconds later she is flirting with some cop and giving him her number.

R: That bitch.

A: And Ronnie knew it too. Sammi tried to regain some ground in the argument by crying, which usually works, but not with Ronnie.

C: Ronnie out cried Sammi.

KS: Oh my God! No!

R: It was shocking.

A: It’s a bold move and it worked for the night. They ended up having sex.

KS: Wow. This is all a little hard to digest.

A: I wouldn’t sleep with a guy who cried that much. Or I wouldn’t sleep with him twice. I have a lot less respect for Ronnie.

C and R: Agreed.

KS: Just to hear that makes me have less respect for him. Guys should only be allowed to cry on a few occasions and it didn’t sound like they were watching “The Green Mile”. Everyone cries watching “The Green Mile”.

A, C, and R: I cried.

KS: Anything else happen? What about JWoww?

A: She grinded on Pauly all night and her boyfriend found out. She explained it to him that nothing was going on because they were listening to “House” music.

KS: What?

C: It’s incredible. She is grinding all over Pauly at the dance club and one of Tommy’s friends sees it. He calls her out on it. She defends herself by saying it was “house” music and they were “battling” so there’s no problem.

KS: What?

R: Someone has to “beat up the beat”.

KS: What?

A: They were “battle” dancing. You’ve never seen that? It gets raw.

KS: What?

C: I think it is something you need to see to “understand”, but it still doesn’t make any sense.

A: Oh yeah, she definitely is cheating on her boyfriend.

R: They are clothed, but they’re grinding on each other so hard that his penis was really just wearing a denim condom and he was fucking her on the dance floor.

A and C: Yep.

A: And then she tells her boyfriend it is ok because it is “House” music. Also Snooki agrees and tells the boyfriend the same thing. Snooki also does backflips where she shows off her va-jay-jay.

KS: I … want … to …  see … that.

R: Yeah, it is downright incredible.

KS: Anything else?

C: Sure there is tons of other stuff, but that’s the big stuff. They glaze over the Snooki getting punched thing and it seems like they are saving that for next week’s episode.

R: Pricks.

A: The Situation and Pauly with chicks. Ronnie crying with Sammi. JWoww not cheating because it is “House” music. Snooki drunk dancing, sleeps on the beach with some random and gets punched, but they don’t show.

C: And they didn’t show Vinny again. They never show that guy.

KS: I’m saying this, Vinny is always stoned!

A, R and C: What!?!

KS: I think the reason they never show Vinny is because he is constantly stoned and/or smoking more pot. They can’t stop him. I think this “pink eye” thing was just a rouse to get around him having red eyes all the time from being stoned. We only ever see him lying around in the background and we never see him by himself. It’s because he is getting stoned by himself or with whatever cast members are not in the shot you are seeing. That’s also why they all like him.

A, R and C: Wait… yea, that makes sense.

R: I think you are completely right. My opinion on Vinny has changed forever.

A: Stand and take a bow Kristen!

KS: I will stand. I will not bow because my skirt is so short that I would moon the people who are no doubt hanging out outside those windows.

C: I think we have time for maybe one more topic.

KS: What’s that?

A: Taye Diggs. 

KS: Listen up – straight women, gay men, bi-sexual men and women – you would have sex with Taye Diggs. Jordan’s “Corollary” is correct. The “Corollary” is not taking into account you marrying Taye Diggs or you even dating Taye Diggs. It is purely physical. It is one time. It is also not taking into account that sleeping with Taye Diggs means you cannot sleep with someone else. It is just a “yes or no” answer. Taye Diggs? Sex? Yes.

A: I’d fuck him.

KS: Exactly.

R: Kristen, would you have sex with Taye Diggs?

KS: Carl can you get a close-up on my hands?

C: Got it.

KS: Do you see these hands America and other countries outside of America? These hands would tear Taye Diggs apart!

A: Yeah! Get some Kristen!

R: I agree, but who else fits into “The Taye Diggs Corollary”?

KS: Well I don’t know.

A: Jordan has a list of guys that he thinks could possibly fit into “The Taye Diggs Corollary”.

C: Like who?

A: Javier Bardem, Hugh Jackman, John Slattery.

R: John Slattery? That’s a bold statement. I like it.

C: He’s a little older looking because of the white hair, but he plays a lot of sexy roles.

A: Ewwww.

C: What you wouldn’t have sex with John Slattery?

A: I’d work him good. I meant “ewww” at you saying “sexy roles”.

KS: Double “ewww” that you actually think the roles are sexy.

R: What about chicks? Is there a blank blank corollary with a chick’s name in that?

A: All of Jordan’s notes about chicks are what terrible things he would do to get his hands on them. Murder an entire family of swans with his bare hands for Mila Kunis and a second family of swans for Natalie Portman.

KS: I think he is fixated on them being in the movie “Black Swan” where they are supposed to have a lesbian scene.

C: I’ve already pre-ordered tickets.

R: You can’t do that. The movie is still being made right now.

C: Don’t worry. I have a guy.

R: Can you get me tickets too?

A: So just stuff like that.

C: Kristen, where do you think you rank on “The Corollary”? What percentage of straight guys or curious girls do you think would-

C: What? I’m just saying.

A: We know what you’re saying.

C: I was merely going to say-

R: Don’t say it, Carl.

A: Please don’t say it.

C: I’d say yes if-

KS: It’s not happening Carl. Not at all.

C: I just want to go on record that-

R: Just stop it.

A: Enough. Ewww and enough.

KS: Thank you, Rick and Arianny. I think with that creepiness from Carl, it is time to say goodbye.

KS: Thank you for taking part in this special edition of KSWI. Thank you for reading and enjoying. From all of us here at KSWI and from Jordan wherever he may or may not be covered in pancake syrup – Have a great weekend and a Happy Holidays.

I am Kristen Stewart and I want it.

Editor’s note: I did not edit this. That’s one note. Secondly, I am not sure what my schedule will be like next week for posting. I will probably put something up on Monday and Tuesday, but it might be more chapters and not KSWI related stuff. As for the rest of the week will be regulated to my vacation, so have a Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’ll reiterate that point again when I do feel guilty and post something on Monday and/or Tuesday.

Have a good weekend.

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14 Responses to “The Kristen Stewart Edition of Kristen Stewart Wants It – Part II”

  1. aneira said

    Numero uno. thats a first

    • aneira said

      finals are done!
      christmas break has officially started!
      im gettin some presents tonight!
      christmas and ireland one week from today!
      i had a crazy ass dream about kristen stewart wanting it and a bunch of vampires playing on a play ground. it. was. awesome.
      but i guess thats what i get from watching an entire season of Buffy in a matter of like 3 days.

      • campbelld said

        My dream was about me, Gigi Edgley and Peter Stormare fighting the forces of Satan in a an abandoned farmhouse, which I will blame on watching tons of Farscape and the movies Constantine and Windtalkers. It was so cool, I didnt want to wake up.

  2. kt said

    FTR I totally asked if anyone else was excited about James Franco hosting SNL this week. It wasn’t directly posed toward you KSWI Jordan, because it wasn’t posed to anyone in particular, but it was a question in the comments nonetheless.

  3. MLF said

    I just read this post as I’m driving down 95. If that’s not devotion I don’t know what is…and what’s even worse is that I’m also commenting while driving. I will expand upon this more later, but I had to put mine and other driver’s lives at risk to once again reiterate that I WOULD NOT FUCK TAYE DIGGS.  that is all. laterzz

  4. Susanelle said

    This blog is just so much classier when Kristen Stewart guest-hosts, I can’t lie.

  5. Forgetful Lucy said

    Haa-Ha. Lawman. My brother and I talk to each other in the voice on the phone. “I’m just a cook.” Well I guess you’ve watched it so you know how he can shoot a bullet through another bullet hole on the target and how he shot the head of a match. Awesome. Would you shit if mf’n Steven Seagal pulled your ass over? I think I might. “I also cook.” We also sometimes talk to each other like 24, I’m Chloe, he’s Jack. “Chloe… Maximize”. We’re fun.

    Jersey Shore, Ew. It’s bad enough the hookers are trying to do it with the guys, in the same room. But, hello? isn’t there also a camera crew in the corner? Or is it more like Big Brother with mounted cameras everywhere? I don’t know and won’t find out by viewing it myself. Also, dry humping on the dance floor, double Ew.

    Hugh Jackman… ding, ding, ding. I googled Jack Slattery.* He doesn’t do it for me at all. My silver fox award would go to Anderson Cooper.

    This was fun. It’s always fun at KSWI. I hope Kristen joins us again soon.

    • PWG said

      Anderson’s gay, but an Internet search proves he’s the definitive silver fox. Pretty much all you get is him, George Clooney, actual vulpes vulpes animals, Steve Martin and one unnamed creepy looked naked old bodybuilder.

      If those are my choices, I’m taking Helen Mirren.

  6. tiffanized said

    What Arianny failed to mention was that J-WOWW said she was proud of Snooki’s hiney-flashing backflips. Proud, J-WOWW? That word; I do not think it means what you think it means.

    Also, The Situation was prolifically quotable last night:
    .: “I’m like, chill out Freckles McGee.”
    .: “I’m workin’ on my fitness.”
    .: “You’re kinda cute. Not to give you too much credit, but at the same time I’m attracted to you.”
    I have no idea why this man is having such a hard time getting laid.

    • I used “chill out Freckles McGee” in conversation this afternoon while at my department’s Christmas party and got nothing but weird looks in return. I then discussed Jersey Shore with a handful of people who are watching it, only to find out that my extensive knowledge of character names and situations is – much like J-Woww’s reaction to Snooki and her strip gymnastics/bajingo flashdance – not normal nor something to be proud of.

  7. campbelld said

    Wow. Awesome. I am so glad I caught in this before I went to work, becuase now the whole experience will be so much more awesome. I can bask in the warm reflected glow of K-Stew’s Want.
    You are right, we should have asked more questions. I tell you what, I will write down some questions during the week and then ask them to you on Thursdays post. Man, I feel like such a failiure as a commentor.

  8. You didn’t explicitly ask for questions yesterday, hence their absence. Remember, you’re supposed to boss us around and tell us what to think. Without your direction we have nothing to follow blindly, and certainly we can’t be making decisions on our own.

    Not to glaze over everything else, but… I’m going to. Sweet sweet Jersey Shore. A holiday miracle occurred and we were treated to more of Ronnie’s dance moves. Thank the baby Jesus or whatever religious figurehead people believe in. I get giddy every time I see him on the dance floor thrashing his shirt around. And aside from the veritable treasure chest of hilarity that was “battle dancing” to house music, we also witnessed the fist pump from start to finish with a true “guido” explaining the process in detail. I feel blessed to be in on that secret. It starts by pounding on the floor!?* I’ve been doing it wrong all along…

    I’m still a yes for Taye Diggs and a most definite yes for Hugh Jackman, but you’ve lost me with Javier Bardem and John Slattery. Something about Javier Bardem is creepy. Maybe I just can’t get over him in No Country… But Hugh Jackman certainly fits “The Corollary,” something I believe even more now having just finished X-Men Origins: Wolverine tonight. So much eye candy…

    Have a good weekend. I’ll be drunkenly stumbling around my town tomorrow night in a red velour tracksuit in the middle of what they’re saying could be a foot of snow. I hope you have something equally fun and bizarre planned. And for those funny people out there, no that’s not the average Jersey night out. The snow isn’t always a guarantee.

  9. cledbo said

    Where is everybody? Do you all have, like, families and lunches and shit to go to or something? What do I have to do to get some play around here*?

    Not that I can talk, I’ve been a huge failure common tater recently. Very sad that I’m missing all the Jersey Shore action – no cable TV until the 6th of Jan! Nooooo! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you Foxtel!

    Too many exclamation points. Not enough kudos. Kudos Kristen Stewart for your expert hosting of a blog about your indominitable Want for two days. During the near-holidays no less. And boy do you want it. It’s really quite incredible. I noticed you’ve been stealing jewelery from the set, either that or you actually paid money for that Bella ring. WTF is up with thumb rings? They’re uncomfortable and come off all the time. And index finger rings feel weird, it’s difficult to make a proper fist with which to punch people when you’re wearing a thumb and or index finger ring.

    Believe it or not, I’m (walking on air?) not drunk. Just cable-less and still partially homeless and looking at a 1 hour commute to work next year on public transport for jerks and lesbians.

    Yay sternal head!

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