Happy Holidays with a Broken Nose

December 21, 2009

Tons of snow over the weekend. The news had predicted that we would get a lot of snow, but they seemed to underestimate it or at least the accounts I saw. So my reoccurring joke was that we were expecting 2 inches*, but we got 6 inches, that’s what she said. Or by the end of the night we had a whole foot of it and it was too much for us to handle, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Friday night

I saw Avatar in D D D or 3D or THREE DEE or in THE THIRD DIMENSION! Which meant I had to wear those stupid glasses. I am not used to wearing glasses or sunglasses. I probably should wear glasses because Lord knows my vision is no where near as good as it was 10 years ago. I probably should wear sunglasses because of blue eyes and fair skin and I heard that’s a bad combo for the sun blinding me eventually. Nevertheless, I go rogue and where none! So sitting in the theater wearing plastic 3D glasses for 3 hours was very annoying. I feel the need to constantly readjust my glasses every 5 seconds as if my nose cannot hold the glasses on my face.

The movie itself was great. The storyline is very obvious and I don’t think they are making it seem otherwise. In the extended trailers they pretty much show what happens from start to finish in chronological order no less. The movie is like Dances with Wolves or The Last Samurai with ALIENS! Which as we all know aliens were what both of those fines films were missing. The computer effects are unreal good. The motion capture of the acting of Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Wes Studi, Sigourney Weaver and so on are all amazing. Especially Zoe Saldana I thought. I really felt a fluidity in her character’s performance that at points looked like it was Zoe Saldana in blue make up instead of a computer animation.

The action was wild and fun. The colors, the detail, the whole world of Pandora was excellent. The 3D tricks were fun and almost constant. I would suggest seeing it in 3D if you get the chance solely because you won’t be able to watch it in 3D at your house most likely. The movie will look incredible on its own merits when it comes out on DVD and BluRay, but the 3D experience is just some trivial fun if you have the chance.


Christmas shopping! I am a Jew or as you people should call me “Chosen One”, but I am also part heretic… I mean Christian. And who doesn’t like presents? No one. Nazis to pro-choice sluts all love presents. So I finished my present shopping on Saturday. I walked around the mall picking up stuff listening to a new CD I got which is wonderful, Bear in Heaven. If you like the band Liars or Animal Collective or Flaming Lips or Thom Yorke’s solo stuff and you like their darker sounding stuff the Bear in Heaven is for you and me together.

That night I went bowling for the first time in over a decade. I did ok. Not Obama bad, but ok. I could definitely do better and when I end up bowling again a decade from now I’ll make sure to try a little harder.


I watched my Pittsburgh Steelers win a football game. It feels like forever since that has happened. This world is a “what have you done for me lately” world and “lately” they won me a Superbowl back in February as for “lately lately” they have brought shame and sorrow for 5 weeks. Yesterday, they put on a thriller with an unreal 4th quarter TD drive to win the game with no time left. Ben Roethlisberger also threw for over 500 yards which is impossibly great.

So that all leads to today. At the last minute, my yob decided that it was cool if I took off Monday – Wednesday which was nice of them. It would’ve been nicer if they told me that 3 weeks ago when I asked for it and then I could have made plans, but hey who is keeping that spite locked away in the back of their mind?

So, today you are getting another chapter from my book that will never been finished. I think the chapter is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll give a little background just in case you’re brains are not all filing cabinets for KSWI as they should be.

The main character, Ben, ends up getting a job for a very large pharmaceutical company. He works a shit boring job. After a few weeks of learning the landscape and starting to settle in, a terrorist attack is made on the company. For reasons unknown a group of terrorists (foreign? domestic?) has targeted this pharmaceutical company seemingly because of their business practices. They blow up one of the buildings where Ben works, but not the building he works in. They also assassinate the CEO. This sends the office environment into a tail spin and the place because militaristic. The belief is that instead of hiring an outside security firm to protect the offices. The company will instead train the existing staff in all forms of combat and weapons to prepare them to defend their own workspace. This leads to employees being trained in guns as well as being required to carry them.

This chapter focuses on the hand-to-hand combat training. It is a chapter from later in the book. The idea is that the company has been training them to fight. The different divisions inside the company have decided to start an interdepartment “fight club” as if it was a softball league. There are tournaments and office champions et cetera. One of the things I was playing with while writing the chapters I wrote was how quickly we digest madness and become accustomed to it. There are people blowing up the offices and shooting the fronts of the buildings so the staff begin carrying pistols on them and start firing back because it is now company policy. They are trained in martial arts then they might as well make a game out of it and start an office tournament.

Anyway, it is fairly short. But I think all told I’m still breaking my 2000 word mark.

Also, I have noticed the KSWI Facebook Fan Page has been growing ever steadily. Thank you for joining those that have and for those that haven’t – go to hell. And thank you to the Chicago native who set up the page. I’m sure she is buried from head to toe in snow. Shit gets cold there. Real cold. No joke cold. No joke like Randy Moss’ post game speech no joke cold.

Sorry no pictures today. I would suggest checking out Blake Lively’s pictures from WWTDD.com from I think Friday or Thursday. She is arguably wearing a strapless one piece bathing suit and high heels to a movie premiere. And God Bless Everyone for that!


Friday – 5:44 pm

Davis’ nose is broken.

At first they wouldn’t allow headbutts. There was a short discussion about what would happen in a real situation, what if the attacker tried to headbutt one of us. We are supposed to be training for real combat; we’re not training to be sport’s fighters. The next morning there was a mass email sent with the compelling proposal, “should we allow headbutts?”. There were two vote buttons at the top “yes” or “no”. It was unanimous: yes.

Davis was definitely winning the fight. He is a temp from the IT department. He only started a couple weeks ago, but I’ve seen him win at least two fights already. Both of them were brutal first round TKOs. He is 6’5” easy and somewhere around 240 pounds. I think he was brought in to be a ringer. He has a long reach and his punches shake you to the bone. He has very dangerous elbows. When you get in close to him he starts to swing them for you head like a sharpened sledge hammer. I would know too. My lip was busted and I have a knot on the back of my head from two of them.

The IT guys only made it into the quarterfinals in the last tournament and I think that really was a thorn in their side. The day after the announcement of the next tournament they started buzzing around asking questions about when a temporary hire is eligible to get into the rankings. It is a fair question and a smart move. HR has more temps and interns than they have cubicles or desks. They are trying to stack the deck thinking quantity over quality. The nerds in IT went the other route. Too bad for the headbutts because he was kicking my ass.

Back when we had rounds, I’m pretty sure I could have taken this guy a lot easier. I really was dragging my ass into the 7th minute; meanwhile he was rearing to go. I really could have used that rest and the water between rounds. I had seen Davis tear apart a tax attorney and an admin. assistant from accounting. They both stood with him and got drilled with hooks, elbows, and a couple of body kicks that would make a grown man cry.

I started out throwing a lot of big shots standing. Easy stuff I knew he would be able to block, so I could try to lull him into a false sense of security that I wanted to slug it out. Around the third minute, I went for my first shot. It was good and deep and I had one leg wrapped, but then he just leaned on me and leaned on me and leaned on me.

It wasn’t pretty, but it was effective. It felt like I was buried under sand. His chest and stomach on my back forcing me to the ground. My legs shaking trying not to snap like toothpicks under all that weight. We must’ve sat in that stalemate for two minutes that felt like two hours. I started to give and he shrugged me off. I was gassed at that point. I felt weak and he started pouring it on. I spent the next three minutes blocking and running. I would throw a combo in vain, but he would usually make me pay for it. I tried my best to clinch with him to buy me some time. The first attempt ended with a short elbow to the back of the head that shut my lights out for a second. I hit the floor and I was completely defenseless. The strangest thing happened: he didn’t finish me on the floor.

When I came to and saw him standing there still instead of pouncing on me and beating my brains in, I realized this guy is scared to death of the ground game. The ground might as well be molten lava. He didn’t want to risk a submission or God forbid I sweep him somehow. I was pretty much knocked out and he wouldn’t go to the ground. It gave me a chance to recover. I got up and I had some wind back in me, but then he caught me with another elbow, this time to the eye. I hit the ground again, but I wasn’t out. The crowd and especially the IT guys were getting restless. Davis didn’t want to go to the ground, but he knew he had to finish me. He was their big hired gun and I was the champ. This was their big chance to flip the tables. Davis was hesitant about going to the ground, so I met him halfway.

He ducked down like he was going into my open guard and I jumped up. I exploded towards him and crushed him on the bridge of the nose with top of my head. I could hear the crunch instantly, followed by that warm wetness. His blood thick in my hair. That weight again. He slumped on me and I tried to hold him up, but it was too much. We both fell to the floor. The red blood from his nose was everywhere and he was out. The Health Services people jumped all over Davis and began treating him. His eyes were both black before I even got back to my feet. Everyone was going nuts minus the IT people. They know the deal. Davis is done.

A broken nose means any shot to the face is going to be a 1000 times worse. Also anyone who saw this fight can see for sure his ground game is non-existent. If he won’t follow a near knocked out guy to the ground then he’ll be a sucker for any wrestler or submission guy. The IT guys know the score and they’re already planning for something else. Davis is a loss for them. I bet he doesn’t know anything about computers. I hadn’t seen him do a service call or even touch a laptop in the weeks he has been here. I would just see him in the gym hitting the bag and lifting weights. I bet his “temp contract” will mysteriously be up come Monday.

Come to think of it, I haven’t scanned or faxed anything in that same amount of time. I’ve seen the betting lines for the new tournament. There is too much riding on me repeating as champ for them to screw with my mood. I’ve heard talk of them transferring the cute redhead from treasury to our department. They want to keep me happy. They want to keep me relaxed.

Tournament starts next week. I’m top ranked. My skull is throbbing and there is still Davis’ blood under my fingernails as I’m driving home. A victory like today’s can only make the opposition that more afraid than they already are. I can’t wait until this weekend is over.


18 Responses to “Happy Holidays with a Broken Nose”

  1. Forgetful Lucy said

    So how sore are you from bowling? Seriously, Wii bowling kicks my ass.

    I’m still at work, I won’t be on vacation until Thursday *coughbastardcough*. If you write it I will come.*

    I did see Adventureland over the weekend… I want a refund. I also went to see Princess and the Frog, it was pretty great. That crazy little cajun firefly weaseled his way into my bug hating heart just like the cockroach from WALL-E.

    I’ll have to read your chappy later, I know you’ll be anxiously awaiting my thoughts.

    Enjoy your vacation.

    • I applaud your use of the * here. Beautifully executed.

      I saw Adventureland over the weekend, too. Some friends showed up with that and the Wolverine movie, so we watched both. It primarily turned into my friends complaining about Kristen’s [lack of] acting ability, with one friend complaining “she always pulls the same stupid face!”

      Silly friend, that’s just the Want.

  2. MLF said

    Tell me again why you’re not finishing this book?? It’s very good. I wish you would publish it. Firstly- It deserves to be read by the masses. Secondly, if it did well, which it would, then you could become a millionaire and quit your job and just write for a living, which would give you lots more time to write on this blog and write more books. Both of which I want to read more of, so it’s a win win for everyone involved. I mean honestly. Stephenie Meyer wrote four books and became a multimillionaire and she only knew like four adjectives!!! JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter on napkins in some cafe and on a train and all kinds of craziness! You should totally submit this.

  3. Indeed, Saturday was like a TWSS-athon thanks to the snow. While drunk and stumbling around in a blizzard, this conversation happened:

    Friend: This snow is crazy! I wasn’t expecting so much.
    HB: We got several more inches than we bargained for. That’s what she said.
    Friend: You can’t say “that’s what she said.” You can’t do it to yourself.
    HB: You can always do it to yourself. That’s what she said.
    Friend: You’re good – you never stop, do you? You’re like a machine.
    HB: That’s what she said.

    I’ll be seeing Avatar tonight in IMAX 3D. I’m excited, but I’m anticipating the glasses driving me crazy as I’m no longer accustomed to glasses thanks to the glory of contacts. Though I do at least wear sunglasses. Seriously, as your blue-eyed fair-skinned brethren, I encourage you to invest in some sunglasses. Especially in the winter. How do you drive with all the sun and the snow? I’m pretty sure the sun reflects off the snow and then ricochets off our pale whiteness and drills deep into our light eyes with the strength and accuracy of a laser, slowly eroding our pupils. It’s science. Projectiles and whatnot. Don’t question it.

    Thanks for sharing more of your “real” writing. Looking forward to more. I like the underlying humor behind it all with the company refusing to hire outside security or pay for real weapons. Even in a society like that, they’re still concerned with the bottom line. I bet these people don’t get Christmas bonuses either. Assholes. And this concept certainly resonates with me (and the rest of your KSWI groupies, I’m sure): “how quickly we digest madness and become accustomed to it.”

    I will check out Bear in Heaven at some point as I do enjoy some of those bands listed. Though I must say I’m already a little disappointed as I first read Beer in Heaven, and I’m partial to that name.

    • Julienne said

      Isn’t there a book out there with something in the title about Beer in Hell? Perhaps that would suit you better.

      Man, was that kind of offensive? And I don’t even know you!

    • campbelld said

      There is no beer in heaven, becuase we dont need it. Heaven is boring.
      Now, Hell! If you can get past the constant screaming agony, fire and the groin beetles, then that is where the afterlife party be at.

  4. Julienne said

    Thank you for you cheering on the Steelers to beat the Pack, dude, since their loss means the Vike’s division title. Too bad they sucked so much ass last night losing to the Panthers though, but this is the way with that team, so I think I need to stop caring.

    Ditto on finishing this book and quitting your day job. Then you could just stay at home all day and write novels and blog posts on how much KStew wants IT, plus you could practice showing off your sternal head more. You know, get more comfortable with it.

    I hope you guys get all of MN’s snow for the winter. That would be so RAD!!

  5. kt said

    I was told by no less than 4 people that I have to see Avatar after they saw it in 3D. But, these are the same people that hours later made me play the Battlestar Galactica board game. It took three and a half hours. And they tried to explain the whole plot and intricacies of stuff to me the whole game, not just teach me how to play the game. I was a human. We lost.

    I always enjoy your writing, so it is always a nice addition to a post.

  6. AmyAlmost said

    Bear in Heaven – alright I’m giving it a go. Didn’t really like the Liars but just saw Animal Collective which sort of really bored me but I still really liked their album and don’t hold the lackluster performance at the has good sound but shitty place to stand venue against them.

    Pro-choice sluts? You did not just say that did you?

  7. raven said

    Alright. I cannot tell you how many times I have looked for the fan page on facebook. I finally gave up and decided I was just too stupid to handle it. If this site actually exsists, could someone please spell it out to me in a way that a person with a third grade intellect could understand? I would really appreciate it.

  8. Crystal said

    I wish I had some snow.

    Is it too much to ask for some fucking snow in fucking December in fucking Texas?? I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

    *deep breadths*

    Anyway, I wish my fucking job would let me take some time off this week. Have I already told you guys what I have to do this week? I’m sure I have since I’m quite bitter about it. Long and short is I dont get a day off this week and everyone else gets TWO. FUCKING TWO!!

    I’m sorry. This is not a place for complaining. This is a place for sharing the WANT. I want Zachary Levi. Really really badly. That man is like a sexy, funny, smart, jesus-loving angel sent from Heaven.

    It’s like this comment section is my own personal blog. I appologize for that.

    Let me try this again. “You have snow in New Jersey Jordan? That’s great! I’m so happy for you!”

    “You got off a few extra days this week? That’s great! You deserve them!”

    I loved the chapter as always. I’m serious dude, you need to finish this novel. I would totally sleep on a pillowcase with Ben’s face on it….not that I do that now with other characters. I’m just sayin’.

    Wow, I’m angry and crazy today.

    • Julienne said

      Angry and crazy sure, but hilarious, Crystal! Thanks for that, and if it helps I would gladly send you every single bit of MN snow down to TX if I could, srsly.

      Zachary Levi is way hot.

      • Crystal said

        I would gladly take some of that there snow.

        And carry it in my pocket until it melted in the 70 degree Christmas of Texas. Lame.

        Indeed he is. I love him so.

  9. campbelld said

    I am terrified, as I am leaving for new york in less than a month, and I have never been in real snow before. It is summer here, I have a pool, for glavin out loud.
    Anyway, you know how much I love these stories. Actually, thought just occured to me that they remind me of Red Vs Blue. Are you a fan?

  10. Forgetful Lucy said

    I liked your chapter, thank you for sharing it with us. If this was turned into a movie, who would you want cast as Ben?

  11. aneira said

    my aunt saw it and loved it !
    i want to check out bear i heaven cause i like animal collective, love flaming lips, and will marry thom yorke.
    your welcome for setting up the really pathetic page.
    mostly, i think ill just make the statuses my favorite bit of the post.
    for instance.. “Kristen Stewart wants to have sex with Taye Diggs”
    also, snow is everywhere and it is fuckin cold.
    and it was snowing/raining and i did my hair all nice but then stepped outside for two minutes. lets just say that when i came back inside i swore a lot.

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