Kristen Stewart wants Christmas and Merry Christmas to Fucking Everyone

December 23, 2009

Do you know what isn’t easy to use? MS-Paint. Do you know what isn’t even easier to use? The Mac equivalent “paintbrush”. Do you know what is horrendous uneasy to use even more? That same Mac equivalent “paintbrush” couple with the laptop touch pad and not a mouse.

So I took this picture:

Oh fuck she wants it.  She wants it so fucking bad.

And I took that want and I made it festive.

Oh God it’s so Christmas-tastic! And she wants it so bad she has melted the snow of Jersey City.

So I give you that. I give you Kristen Stewart wanting it like the 4+ ton “little boy” atomic boy that was flown in the belly of the Enola Gay and she’s wearing a Santa hat. And there is a happy little tree in the corner as well.

I will also give you the gift of comedy today. I felt like the chapters from my book that probably will never be finished are not up beat enough for me to end on for the week. I will not be posting tomorrow or Friday. But I do not have much to choose from as far as anything that is Christmas related. The only other thing I have is some sketches I have written for a sketch comedy show idea Dawgz and I came up with based around Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. Or the show could be a sketch comedy show about the NFL hosted by Peyton. Either way, to only further the randomness of this blog. Here is a Peyton Manning sketch to bid you a Merry Christmas from me to all of you. Thank you for reading.

INT – Lobby – Day

Will Forte enters. Will is wearing street clothes and has a short script in hand.

There is a receptionist sitting at the far end of the room. Will walks to the receptionist. She smiles as he approaches.

Will Forte (WF) – Hello, I am Will Forte.

Receptionist (R) – Hello.

WF – I am here for the commercial audition. I think I’m a little early.

R – Oh, don’t worry about it. Other people have already shown up. Just follow the hallway around the corner and there is a room and some chairs. Take a seat and they should be with you shortly.

WF – Ok. Thank you.

Will follows the receptionist’s directions. He walks around the corner whistling to himself and enters the room the receptionist mentioned. There are a few chairs around the perimeter of the room and a door with a sign that reads “Commercial Auditions” written on a piece of paper stamped to the door. There is a second door that is marked “bathroom”.

Will looks around at the chairs and one chair has a script on it. He takes a seat a couple over from that chair. He is by himself just looking around when the sound of a toilet flushes.

The bathroom door opens.

It is Peyton Manning.

Will Forte is shocked. Peyton walks cocky and confidently over to the chair with the script on it. He picks up the script and sits down. He is looking over the script. Will is dumbfounded and completely awe struck.

After a few moments of Will staring at Peyton, Peyton notices.

Peyton Manning (PM) – What?

WF- You’re Peyton Manning.

PM – I know that.

WF – But you’re Peyton Manning. This is incredible! This is just incredible that you’re here!

PM – To me it ain’t.

WF – My name is Orville Wills Forte IV (actual name). People usually just call me ‘Will’.

Will sticks his hand out to shake hands with Peyton and Peyton reluctantly complies.

PM – Nice to meet ya Orville.

WF – I am a huge fan.

PM – Of course you are (under his breath, shaking his head because he has heard this a thousand times)

WF – You are truly an amazing player to watch. You are hands down the best quarterback in the NFL. The best of your generation. The way you-

PM – Here we go (under his breath)

WF – The way you call the plays at the line of scrimmage and the audibles. Wow! Your passing is so electric! And the touchdowns! All those touchdowns you throw!

PM – 366 (under his breath)

WF – It is just like (Will pantomimes throwing and receiving a touchdown) Wow. And that Superbowl!

PM – 2006 (under his breath)

WF – I was rooting for you the whole way. I love watching you play. I just can’t say anymore about how amazing you are.

PM – Really? I can. 9x Pro Bowl, 3x NFL MVP, Pro Bowl MVP, Super Bowl MVP and Indianapolis Colts all time leader in passing yards and passing touchdowns.

Peyton seems pleased with himself and then goes back to reading his script.

WF – Can I ask why you’re here?

PM – That’s a great question! That’s a great question, Orville! Why am I here? Why am I here at a commercial audition?

WF – Why are you here?

PM – Because those people in there are simply too stupid to acknowledge the fact that I’m this country’s finest commercial actor! I have proved that time and time again. Right!?! Are you paying attention?

WF – (flustered) Yes, yes I am.

PM – Listen here Orville, imagine you run a company and you want to make a series of humorous television commercials for that company. At this point, wouldn’t you immediately pick Peyton Manning as your spokesman for said commercials?

WF – I guess I would. Yes, yes I would.

PM – Damn right you would. You know, you’re smarter than you look.

Peyton in a huff goes back to reading his script. Will looks confused.

WF – So let me get this straight, you’re saying you’re here to audition for this commercial? The same commercial I’m here to audition for?

PM – Yes, that’s what I’m saying and right now you’re messing with me memorizing this script. Could you just stop with all this yapping? I need to focus. That comedic magic you see in all my other commercials is a lot of hard work and dedication. You wouldn’t know it, but comedy does not come easy.

WF – I do know. I am a comedian.

PM – Sure you are. Just sit over there –

They both hear the sound of receptionist’s door opening and some talking and someone else coming down the hall.

PM – (shaking his head mad) I recognize that voice. This can’t get any worse. I knew this day was going to get worse.

WF – What? Who is it?

Justin Timberlake comes from around the corner.

Justin Timberlake (JT) – Oh what’s up bitches?

Justin is very over the top and energetic. He is dressed like a rapper and is acting like one.

PM – Hey, Justin (not thrilled).

WF – Oh my God, Justin Timberlake!

JT – You know it!

Will stands up and sticks out his hand to shake with Justin.

WF – My name is Or-

Justin grabs him and pulls him close for a big bro hug.

JT – What? What? Get in for the real thing, suckah! JT at yo’ service.

Justin walks over to Peyton. Peyton reluctantly looks up and JT pretends to look sad. Peyton finally puts his hand out and JT gives it a series of crazy handshakes that Peyton is not a part of. JT jumps backwards into a seat.

WF – Mr. Timberlake, I am a huge fan. Your-

JT – Pey-dizzle what’s this guy’s problem?

PM – That’s Orville, he’s a huge fan of everybody.

JT – That’s cool. I bet you thought you would just coast in here and take another commercial job right out from under my nose-izzle.

PM – Kinda’. Listen, I’m just here to get another pay check on a national commercial.

JT – Not this time suckah. Because JT-Sizzle is here!

Justin jumps up and bursts into a quick dance/song. Will is loving it and is awe struck and by the end is clapping along.

PM – All flash and no substance.

JT – Why are you always hatin’ on me?

PM – Do you want to know why?

Peyton throws his script down.

PM – You stole the “Carlos’ Coffee” job from me when you knew it was mine!

JT – Not this again. When will you get over this!?! I didn’t steal it! How long ago-

PM – 2004! I was coming off my first NFL Most Valuable Player award season and foreign companies wanted me on as the face of their product representing America. So-

Justin is mimicking Peyton as if he has heard this story a thousand times before. Will is thoroughly confused, but riveted.

PM – So an international instant coffee company by the name of “Carlos’ Coffee” comes along and picks me, the starting quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts 12 years running, as that face of America. But two weeks before I go to shoot, I hear they have picked someone else.

WF – Who did they pick?

JT – Me. Listen I was in the middle of my second concert tour with Christina Aguilera for my 2002 studio album Justified. We had dates in Europe and Austrailia which just so happened to be the number one target areas for the “Carlos’ Coffee” franchise’s new line of commercials. So they switched from you to moi.

PM – You’re a liar. You know your agent-

JT – My agent never said-

The two of them start arguing and grow louder.

WF – QUIT IT!

Peyton and Justin stop and look surprised at Will.

WF – You both are mega stars and have had successful and eventful careers since 2004 and all without the help of “Carlos’ Coffee”. Can you agree to that?

They both nod sheepishly.

WF – Can you also agree that you both are very funny together on those Sony Bravia commercials?

They both smile and nod and look at each other.

WF – Can you shake on it?

They do.

WF – Whew. I’m glad that is settled. So can I just say-

The door in the lobby is heard opening again. You can hear the receptionist not getting a chance to say anything before the person stomps down the hallway and enters the room. They are all shocked.

It’s Tom Brady.

PM – Damn it!

Tom Brady (TB) – What a bunch of sorry faces in this room. Except for you buddy (to Will), what’s your name?

Will extends his hand to shake Tom’s.

WF – My name is-

Tom fist bumps Will.

TB – Good stuff.

Tom walks past Will and over to Peyton. Tom sees Peyton vainly pretending to read the script.

TB – Oh hey Peyton. Are you still trying to memorize the script right before the show is about to begin? That’s what it sounds like when you’re QB-ing as well. Boosch.

Tom sits down next to Justin. Justin doesn’t look thrilled to see Brady either.

PM – You know I run a very complicated offense, Tom. There is a lot for me to memorize. Where’s your script?

TB – It’s in my head. I don’t need to memorize plays. I just do it how I feel it. The Tom Brady way, all day, every day. It’s the only way. What’s up Justin?

Tom fist bumps Justin who unenthusiastically fist bumps back.

JT – Not much. Saw you didn’t show up to my record release party the other night.

TB – Oh right. Yeah, did I RSVP? I had an emergency-

JT – An emergency visit to see Jay Z? I saw you on TMZ coming out of his party!

WF – You know I saw that as well. I was watching TMZ last night and –

TB – Who is this guy?

JT – Orville.

PM – He’s a comedian of sorts.

TB – Of sorts? Peyton? What like puppets? Where’s your puppet, Orville? Where’s your puppet at man? Show me your puppet! (like a highschool bully)

WF – (a little scared) I don’t have a puppet. I don’t do puppets. I’m just a regular comedian.

TB – Alright alright, no need to cry.

JT – I think Peyton was just messing with you about “of sorts”.

TB – Peyton, what the hell? You Listen –

PM – No you listen –

Both of them start rambling off personal QB stats and in the midst of it, the audition door opens.

Audition Guy (AG) – Is everyone ready to audition to be the new face for “Tidy Cat” the nation’s leading seller in Kitty Litter.

They all stop and look attentative.

Cut to each of their auditions – the backdrop is a big poster for Tidy Cat

Peyton Manning:

Peyton is standing in the room with two of the casting people and a camera recording him. There is a Tidy Cat costume draped over a chair next to Peytong.

PM – I’m not putting that on. I’m not putting on that cat costume. Are you kidding me?

AG – Peyton –

PM – No, today it is Mr. Manning! People who disrespect me like this call me, Mr. Manning!

AG – Mr. Manning-

PM – I don’t even want to hear it. How can you put 50,000 passing yards in a cat costume!?! Come on. This is just stupid.

Will Forte:

Will is wearing the cat costume. He looks sad and awkward.

AG – You look fine, Will. Could you just read the lines?

WF – I don’t know. There are two Superbowl winning quarterbacks in the other room and maybe the entertainer of the decade, Justin Timberlake.

AG – Will you are very funny as well. Just read-

WF – I feel fat.

Justin Timberlake:

Justin is wearing the cat costume. He is singing and dancing. Most likely doing the running man.

JT – Tidy Cat, Your cat loves it, Tidy Cat, Your cat pees in it, Tidy Cat, Your cat dumps in it, Tidy Cat-

AG – This is not the song-

JT – I’m bringing sexy back, Tidy Cat!

Tom Brady:

TB – Nah, I’m not doing any of that. I have a commercial for you. Imagine me standing on a beach with my shirt off.

Tom rips open his shirt.

TB – There will be a fan blowing and me with my shirt off and then the women.

AG – The women?

TB – Tons of them. Sexy ones. They run to me because I have my shirt off and women do that. When I have my shirt off women just kind of attack me. So these women will be lusting on my body and just all over me.

AG – How many?

TB – A good dozen of them. Just the beach setting, fans blowing on me, women all over me and me with my shirt off. That’s a commercial. That can sell anything.

AG – What about the kitty litter?

TB – Sure throw some of that stuff in there! Me with my shirt off and the kitty litter sticking to my muscles from the sweat. And the women all over me.

AG – I like it.

ACTION LINES!

Merry Christmas!

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20 Responses to “Kristen Stewart wants Christmas and Merry Christmas to Fucking Everyone”

  1. Forgetful Lucy said

    Awww…Imagine my surprise when I clickyed to see any new comments from yesterday and you have already posted for us. I think my heart grew two sizes. This was really funny; I lol’d and giggled all the way through. I love your Actionlines!*

    Merry Christmas to you and fucking everyone too!

    PS-Peyton is a girl’s name.

    • campbelld said

      Well Peyton aint no girl. He’s got man parts!

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        How much more of a badass do you think he would’ve been if his name was Sue? Nevermind. I’m putting my stick down and going to get more homemade Peanut Butter balls… Yum!

        Shit! I think I have wrapping to do too. Son of a…

  2. aneira said

    numero dos!
    i probably mentioned this already but
    i saw this kid wearing a steelers shirt that said how much do you want it?
    i laughed out loud and looked really stupid.

    • amanda said

      Im leaving for Ireland today and I wont be back til January 1st. Hopefully theres WiFi in the hotel, but if not, Im looking forward to having a zillion posts to read when I get back!!

  3. Crystal said

    That was quite entertaining.

    *pats inner thigh*

  4. PWG said

    I’m here to say I’m not dead or chained up in a basement, but I might be by the end of the week. This goes on record as my most disorganized holiday season ever, and as a procrastinator extraordinaire, that’s saying something. I have abused my Amazon Prime account unto death. The poor little slaves in some Amazon warehouse have wrapped toys and printed out gift notes and shipped the vast majority of my Christmas presents this year, and they’ve done it in the last 48 hours. UPS drivers up and down both coasts also hate me for shipping things overnight for the low, low price of $3.99.

    Since none of my family members use the internet for anything besides airline reservations and porn, I feel safe telling the following story too: my brother tried to leave Wife #3 this week. She told him he can’t ruin his youngest kid’s Christmas, so he’s not leaving until next week. Wife #2 is showing up with kids from her Husband #1 to pick up two out of his four kids after Christmas dinner. Did I mention the whole family’s meeting at his house for Christmas? I can’t wait for how non-tense that’s all going to be. Plus I expect he’ll be knocking on my door next week to come live with me.

    I’ll come back and catch up on my reading and post more relevant comments later, after I’ve finished drinking and cowering in the corner.

    • My only recommendation is to try to lighten the mood and ease the intensity with a rousing game of “Who Would You Do Blind with a Rented Vagina” – works every time.

      All jokes aside… fuck. Good luck. That sounds nightmarish. I can make room in the old peoples’ cafeteria if you’d like to fly to NJ and join my lunatic family for the holiday. Bring the kids – I’ve got a Wii. And if that doesn’t work, we can sit them down in front of District 9 and terrify them into submission.

      • PWG said

        Oh God, please? We can play that game with your grandparents instead. Winner gets to ride the Rascal. I promise to bring the barrel of tiny chocolate liquor bottles I got for my sister.

      • Crystal said

        Good God. That is insanity! I’m sorry you are having to deal with all mess.

        PS: Kids like those little bottles.

      • Deal. Best 2 out of 3 gets to wear my grandma’s wig and use my grandpa’s oxygen.

    • MLF said

      Holy Shit PWG! That is some epic family drama. But on the brightside you have not lost your sense of humor.

  5. Did we just learn another fun fact about KSWI Jordan? Personal choice is Mac over PC? My Macbook (pro, motherfuckers!) didn’t come with Paintbrush, so I’ve never used it. But touchpads aren’t easy to finagle.*

    Orville Wills Forte IV?! For serious? Huh… this really is a place of learning.

    For whatever inexplicable reason I like all of these people – Will, Peyton, Justin. But not Tom Brady. I have a grudge against him simply because I spent 4 years of college in the Boston area staring at posters of him on every college girl’s (and some guys) wall. Sorry Tom, you don’t do it for me. I’m sure this upsets you greatly while you bang that hot Victoria’s Secret model wife of yours every night.

    I laughed. It was enjoyable. Your Justin Timberlake was excellent. The guy is a tool but he’s hilarious nonetheless, and I think he’s one of the better hosts SNL has had throughout the years. OmeletteVille, HomelessVille, PlasticVille are all brilliant as far as I’m concerned. You and Dawgz need gigs as writers over there – Lord knows they need all the help they can get.

    To Jordan and my fellow common taters: Merry Christmas, and while I’m at it, Happy New Year. I’ll be off traipsing around Scotland next week. Don’t miss me too much. Or, more realistically, don’t throw a party now that I’m gone.

    • MLF said

      dude. You BRING the party. It would be dull without you..we’ll just have to wait until you get back on the continent. Eat some haggis for me! hahahahahhaha. no really though, don’t. That stuff is gross.

      • Actually, Jordan brings the party. I just crash it every day and end up drunk and alone in the corner talking to myself. On the really bad days, I puke on the couch and pass out on the bathroom floor. So really I’m just the freakshow spectacle of the party.

        Also, I’ve totally had haggis before. This is actually my third time going to Scotland. I don’t plan on eating it this time, though. Unless of course a nice, young, attractive Scottish man promises to show me what’s under his kilt in exchange for me eating haggis again. Then all bets are off.

      • MLF said

        hmm. good point…I’ll be the other freakshow spectacle holding your hair and spooning you on the tile

        Have fun in Scotland! I hope you meet a lovely young scottish lad- but if you really must eat haggis I would recomend looking under the kilt FIRST to make sure it’s worth it.

    • Crystal said

      All the Ville’s are pure genius. Have fun in Scotland!

  6. MLF said

    hilarious, as usual. The whole time I was reading the JT part I was like, this is sooo believable. I was actually picturing him from the Cup of Soup skit. Golden. Also especially the PM part as well. Good stuff.

  7. campbelld said

    Awesome. Way to pick two players I actually know of, out of about six. It is not that I do not like sport, just I am Australian and I have little to no knowledge of this American Football business.
    JT is a funny man, but I’m not entirely sure he knows it. I mean, I’m not sure he knows how to be. People just tell him what to do, and if the material is good, it works (Dick in a Box) and if the material is weak, then it is almost incomprehensible awful (the Love Guru).

    Also, in Jersey Shore news, I discovered that my favourite internet writer, (sorry Jordan but you run a close second) went to school with Sammi. Sweet jesus.
    http://www.cracked.com/blog/jersey-shore-is-the-worst-thing-to-happen-to-the-east-coast-since-911/

    Also merry christmas, I like christmas.

    • MLF said

      HAHAHA oh dear. I just read that and wow. For as much as I dislike that show, I really love reading people bashing it. Never gets old.

      I like Christmas too (smiley face)

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