You Are All Ruining My Christmas Vacation – Part I

December 28, 2009

Yes, I am on Christmas vacation. Yes, I am not doing anything “special” for it. Yes, that means I really have no good excuse why I can’t write a post. Yes, I really wanted to sleep until noon. Yes, it was because I thought I HAD to write something before the clock strikes 1 for all you readers. I am guilt ridden. I am ridden by guilt. There is a bi-pedal creature named Guilt and I am his steed. I don’t run around on all fours. Guilt takes a seat on my shoulders I carry him around like a small child at a parade. He does wear a cowboy hat to compete the “rider” and “ridden” scenario. So yeah, Guilt is riding me and riding me hard – That’s what she said.

I have a picture in my head of sad faces at work with big doe eyes looking for a new post on KSWI. The site has not updated. Why has it not updated? It is Monday after all! Where is that guy? We need to get him and make him write something for us! Oh wait, we know his name! Jordan! And we know what he looks like! Thank you Facebook! And what city he lives in… so you all eventual form the murderous horde that we’ve all been passively expecting and you come and kill myself and Dawgz my unfortunate roommate. He is asleep right now. Damn him and his lack of guilt riders.

I have another picture in my head. It is of computer monitors with their orange light lit signifying that the computer they are attached to is indeed off. These computers and keyboards and mice are collecting dust. They are not being used because their inhabitants are not at work, but on vacation as well. And these users of these dust-puters are in fact on vacation as well as I, but they are on a real “vacation”. They are tanning in Barbados or climbing through the jungles of Peru or floating in the salty water of the Dead Sea. They have no care for blogs or posts or comments. They are out in the “real” and they do not care about forming a murderous horde because they have completely detached themselves from this website. They will return at some point a week from now and wait for new posts. They will disregard anything that I have typed here as not worthy since it is from an archaic time period known as 2-0-0-9. Who would bother reading a blog post from last decade? Seriously.

I’m caught in the middle of those two worlds. I believe that there are some stuck at work reading this because they are the unlikely few who did not get a vacation. And then at the same time, I believe I’m technically writing to no one more than I usually am. So what is there to talk about, self?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won which was good. I won my Fantasy Football league which was good. Although the Steelers winning doesn’t mean they will necessarily get into the playoffs which is bad. And no one collected any money for my Fantasy Football league at the beginning of the season so I don’t actually “win” anything which is bad. What the fuck!

As for Christmas, it was pretty good. A lot of clothes, a couple DVDs or to be more accurate Blu-Rays, two books, and other small trinkets. And my family, well their campaign for me to rid myself of them once and for all had been plateauing for many years. They had no new tricks that dealt any great damage. But that was until Christmas when they decided to give each other Snuggies. Yes, Snuggies. There are two of them! Two of them at my childhood home! Like a plague of lies is infesting my house. Who are these people!?! What have you done with my family?

Two Snuggies were purchased. Neither for me thankfully. If one was purchased for me, I would’ve burned the house down. Not necessarily with them in it, but that house would’ve felt the tickle of flames all over every inch of it. That damn house that harbors Snuggie-havers! Snuggie-Purchasers! I blame Macys because Macys carries them in their stores nowadays, but my family is to blame definitely. I am not sure if it is more or less depressing that they don’t even use them like Snuggies. They just use them like blankets. A blanket that randomly has sleeves hanging down.

Their improper use of the Snuggies prompted this paraphrased conversation:

KSWI Jordan – You’re not using the Snuggie correctly. You’re just using it like a blanket.

KSWI Jordan’s Mom – Well I just want a blanket.

KSWI Jordan – Then why didn’t you just buy a blanket?

KSWI Jordan’s Mom – We own tons of blankets. Why would I buy another blanket?

KSWI Jordan – I have made a grave error calling you my “loved ones”. I will return to my Jersey City chateau a new man with no family and no history. My last name will not signify this family’s lineage, but it will be the start of a new family with a new future. A family with Snuggies has no future.

KSWI Jordan’s Mom – I bought them as a joke.

Really!?! Really!?! A joke! Do you donate money to Neo-Nazi organizations as a joke!?! Do you wear “I heart the KKK” t-shirts as a joke!?! Do you vote Republican as a joke!?! Seriously, you just don’t joke around with these things. You don’t help the makers of Snuggie continuing making Snuggie like products. These people are evil people and you should not give them anymore money than the millions they have already stolen from this great nation of ours.

Hmmmm… I saw Avatar in 3D.

It was good. The action was fun. The explosions were fun. The storyline was well worn territory. It won’t change how we watch movies forever and it did not live up to the hype of being the greatest whatever that they claimed it to be, but I enjoyed it. That’s all I was expecting. I also got to see three gay Indian men get bitched out by a middle age black man. That was not apart of the movie nor will it be something you can experience if you go and see it. It was entertaining for me though. I was on the black guy’s side. The gay guys were saving a seat for a friend and the friend was nowhere to be seen. The black guy wanted to sit next to his wife while he watched 3 hours of alien jungle violence while wearing magical plastic horned rim glasses. They did move over and allow the guy to sit next to his wife. It wasn’t like they had much choice. They weren’t going to put up much of a fight against him. They weren’t lying about their friend though. He did show up about two hours into the movie. Luckily for him the movie is so damn long he got to see a good chunk of 3D stuff.

The movie was missing something though.

Kristen Stewart.

I called James Cameron with my shoe and asked him if he could send me a mock up of what America’s sweetheart Kristen Stewart would look like as a Na’vi. I think it works.

I think I wrote before what I would like to see with Avatar and Kristen Stewart in it. I can’t remember, but I think it is similar if not exactly what I’m about to write. Either way.

If I was forced to do the rewrite of Avatar, I would change the film quite dramatically. First, I would add Kristen Stewart. She would be a scientist as well, why not? Sigourney Weaver is a scientist. Kristen Stewart is a scientist and she also has a big blue ape like avatar. Each avatar has a special mutant skill that develops from the synthesizing of human DNA and the Na’vi DNA. Sigourney Weaver can fly, Sam Worthington is super strong, the other guy is super stretchy or can hold his breath or whatever. Who cares about that guy? Kristen Stewart’s special power is remained hidden.

Sam asks Sigourney and the other randoms about Kristen’s power when she isn’t around. They all hush up and act like the film crew in Twister when a T5 is brought up. We do not talk about a T5! It is shrouded in mystery. At some point, Sam gets a moment alone with Kristen and she has no memory of her power. They say she blacked out and she can only remember faint moments. She remembers screams, a white light, an intense heat, but she has no burn marks or permanent damage. Sam secretly tries to help her with her memory and harnessing her power when no one is around and when he isn’t having blue ape sex with Zoe Saldana’s character.

The rest of the movie can be the same for the most part. Evil empire tries to take over Pandora. I would probably make the evil empire troops a lot more ethnic and un-American, but that’s just me. They would probably be really Italian. Always eating spaghetti and meatballs and waving Italian flags and pretending they weren’t the bad guys in World War II. The bad guys try and take over the planet, Sam is having blue ape orgies, and Kristen wants it in and out of her avatar. The movie will continue up until the battle scene.

The fight goes mostly the same. The Na’vi kick some ass, the Na’vi get their asses kicked – back and forth. Instead of Sam riding a deius ex machina dragon or the animals showing up to save them something else happens. With her friends dying all around her, Kristen starts to have a breakdown. She is crying and depressed. I’m sure she will be good in this scene considering it was about half of the New Moon movie, her in the woods feeling shitty. Then when she is about to get killed by one of those metal armor suits with guns – she sees a flash.

It’s her memory. She remembers what her power is. She at one time was in a similar situation about to be killed by maybe a wild animal or something. This indescribable power came over her. This heat. This force. And she remembers how to use it. Like Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport remember his teachings of how to fight with a blind fold on when he gets sand thrown into his eyes during the final round of the Kumite. Kristen knows what to do!

The bad guy rears back his blade and is about to slice through Kristen, she has a moment of resolve:

Bad guy – You’re going to get it now, bitch!

Kristen Stewart – I want it.

BOOM! A white light inferno explodes from her eyes and mouth and torch the bad guy blow him up into smithereens. It destroys everything in its path! I cuts a hole right through the big space shuttle carrying the bomb and kills all the bad guys in the choppers. Kristen Stewart’s want is like Gohan’s kamehameha!

She then uses her want beam like a big eraser and just obliterates the hundreds of spaghetti eating troops and metal robots. She fucking kills them all! Sam is the only one who can calm her down. So he has to fly through the fire and heat and so forth and gets to her. He finally gets to her and says the safe word of “pumpernickel” and she collapse. Everything just stops like he turned off a light switch. Then the movie can end like it does in the theaters with the dancing and the big tree and whatever.

Just a thought James Cameron. Just a thought.

Action lines.


22 Responses to “You Are All Ruining My Christmas Vacation – Part I”

  1. Julienne said

    I am obviously one of the few who is not on vacation this week, but I see it as a blessing rather than a curse. After all, I had a 4 day weekend, and because of that bitch Mother Nature dumping 20″ of snow on my hellish state, I only got out for appoximately 3 of those 96 hours. Believe me, if there had been any murderous hordes it would have been because I was forced to stay indoors yet again. So thank you.

    Your riding-guilt-in-a-cowboy-hat brought up a nasty visual of something I saw in an in-flight airline mag once called a ‘Daddy Saddle,’ KWSIJordan. Ewww.

    Lastly, were any of these said snuggies in leopard print?

  2. kt said

    Being laid off has put me on permanent vacation. It’s not that bad. Get’s kind of boring sometimes. I only sleep in until about 10, but im usually up at 9.

    My father bought me a Snuggie. A pink
    Snuggie. If it wasn’t glaringly obvious that my father knew nothing about me before it was made perfectly clear when he bought me a pink
    Snuggie for Christmas. I scoff at Snuggies and I think I own like 5 pink things in my whole closet. one of those is a pair of hot pink and black checkerboard Vans. I promptly took said Snuggie to Walgreens (because they are open on Christmas) and got a gift card for $16.75 that I will be using to buy shampoo, hairspray and chapstick. Maybe some razors. I would have preferred the cash from the Snuggie so that I could, I don’t know, pay rent? Apparently, Snuggies are a better idea than paying rent, even when your daughter asks for cash so she can pay rent because she was recently laid off. 🙄

  3. tiffanized said

    I warned people not to get me a Snuggie, so what did I end up with? Three Slap Chops. Apparently my relatives think the only acceptable Christmas gift has “As Seen on TV!” on the packaging. I can simultaneously chop vegetables with both hands and one foot now, but I sure as hell won’t be wearing a Snuggie while I do it.

  4. MLF said

    I was wondering whether you were going to post today- I actually didn’t expect you to since apparantly 99.9% of the population is still on vacation but I am pleasantly suprised to see that the bi-pedal creature named Guilt forced you into it. I am on vacation as well, but by vacation I mean I am stuck visiting my parents. (at the moment my Dad) This can’t really be considered a vacation, it has way more in common with Hell. I would rather be away at school where I can do whatever I want and not deal with how annoying and boring my parents are. Don’t get me wrong I love them and we have a lot of fun together but they are kind of lame and this has been an extremely long visit and it’s not even over yet..oh well. I guess I should be thankfull that I’m on break at all and that my parents are willing to put up with me but hey, Thanksgiving is for being greatfull-Christmas is for eating cookies and getting presents. So I don’t feel too bad bitching and being whiny.

    I got two snuggies for Christmas and I was thrilled. It is navy blue which is one of my favorite colors, and I am going to take one back to school with me and leave one at my mom’s so when I visit I will not risk packing my snuggie from school and accidentally leaving it. (that would be a tragedy…obv…haha)

    I haven’t seen Avatar yet but I am looking forward to seeing it in 3D when I get back to school with one of my movie-going partners in crime. I did see Sherlock Holmes last night though and I was slightly dissapointed. It was long- and I love long movies but when the movie actually FEELS long that is not good. My ass was completely numb. I have long legs and it can be annoying to sit with them crossed for a long time, if I am not able to put my feet on the seat in front of me (which I wasn’t) and so my ass went completely numb. It sucked. Your prediction of that movie was pretty much spot on actually.

    I loved your Avatar plot with Kristen, that actually sounds better than the real plot.

  5. Freya said

    I’m on vacation. I am currently in Washington State, fabled setting of those vampire books, waiting to go to the airport to return to my home in the Southwest. Though I am on vacation, I checked KSWI. I bear the burden of being part of Jordan’s guilt. I have an iPhone to fill the void of my work computer, so I can ride Jordan hard until I’m satisfied.* (That was seriously shameless and quite a stretch.*). It’s my fault Jordan didn’t sleep.*

    By the way, I watched football. Not so much watched, but spent time in the room where football was on. This is the price of spending time with family. My father and brother control the remote. I looked at the screen and a player was celebrating with fans as they held him up against the wall. One eager and enthusiastic woman was vigorously patting his inner thigh. Needless to say, Jordan, I thought of you. When I pointed out the woman’s behaviour to my brother, he said “I’m sure he doesn’t mind.”

    See you tomorrow. It’s okay by me if you post after nature wakes you up, though. I’ll go gentle on you.*

    • MLF said

      I watched some football as well. Infact I watched the Saints lose to Tampa in overtime. It was shocking since Tampa basically sucks. They’ve won like, what, three games maybe? Regardless, the Saints really did look like classy motherfuckers, even while losing.

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    “You Are All Ruining My Christmas Vacation”- LOL, I was wondering if you were still off work. I guess you are and have still posted, Exxxx-cell-ent.

    I’m a haver of the dust-puter. If it makes you feel any better I do not have any “real vacation” plans either. So far my plans include sleeping in and spending my Christmas cash. I may or may not have a list of shit that should get done while I’m off, but most likely won’t. It’s what I do.

    I came across the Steelers game in the 4th qtr, tie game, 12 minutes to go. My 10yr old is a Ravens fan after seeing The Blind Side, I of course was rooting for Black & Gold, we had fun trash talking until the end of the game. That is about all the football I can handle in one sitting since it takes FOREVER(!). It was fun though, I’m glad they won for you, and BONUS I totally understand the “downs” now. I used to not have any clue WTH they were talking about, “1st and 10, 3rd down, blah, blah, blah…”, then I watched for like 10 minutes and finally got it. Then I was slightly embarassed because it really wasn’t that difficult of a concept to get. I must not have ever really cared enough; until you, KSWI Jordan, showed me the light, or the “Want” I guess would be more accurate.

    I maintain a Snuggie-free home. I don’t get the concept. What’s something that keeps you warm and has sleeves? It’s called a robe people! Now I will admit a robe won’t keep your feetsies warm while lounging on the couch, but uh… isn’t that what blankets are for?

    I’m glad you are still on vacation, please feel free to sleep until noon. Your guilt has made me feel guilty for making you feel guilty. Stop it.

    PS- I saw the Chipmunks movie, when Zachary Levi came on screen I mentally shouted “Ben!”. Hehe.

  7. Lala said

    I wasn’t sure if you were going to post anything today either but I really hoped you would. And I’m on vacation too, but real vacation. Here in the South Hemisphere it’s Summer so I’m only going back to work and school in like February… March… I really don’t know. Anyway, I’ll keep reading the blog everyday so you better always update it, Jordan!

  8. Amy D said

    I was dying to get back into work after being stuck in the house for the last 4 days with a head cold. Now I can’t wait to get out of work because there is nothing to do and all my coworkers are on something called vacation. Thank goodness KSWI Jordan is being ridden, it gives me something to do to pass the time.*

  9. campbelld said

    I only work part time, so I’m sort of always have on vacation. Or Holidays, as they are meant to be called.But I am going away tommorrow, over New Years, for four days. It is summer here, so it is beach parties, passing out in the shallows and BBQs for a while. It will be awesome.
    Avatar was pretty freakin amazing, but my vote for move of the year would have to be Funny People. It was excellently written, some very real characters and some actual complexity, which was great, especially for a movie that was really funny as well.
    Also, well done for using the word pumpernickel.

  10. Crystal said

    I was at work today. I was too busy to read this post because we are always insanely busy after a holiday. Everyone’s cat eats something they shouldn’t have or waits until Christmas day to get sick with some incurable disease. But we will exhaust every option trying to make that incurable disease tolerable enough to live with for at least another few months. Instead of just letting the poors gatos go in peace. *shrugs*

    Anyway…..while I am at work suffering you are not, so you should take some days off and chill if you want. We will miss you but I think we’ll live. Maybe not. But I guess we wont know unless you dont post for a few days.

    I like snuggies. They are comfy…especially the leopard print ones. I dont know why they are more comfy they just are.

  11. WordNinja said

    Snuggies, Avatar, and Kristen Stewart in one post. Thanks Jordan for the best present I got this year.

  12. aneira said

    the last few days in Dublin have been beautiful but today was soo cold and rainy!!
    Irish people food is gross but..
    there are hardly any gingers (yes)
    there are lots of asians!! (double yes)
    and everybody has babies.
    ..i like this place.

  13. Munni said

    nice website…
    fabulous content..
    love your blog…

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