You Are Ruining My Christmas Vacation – Part II

December 29, 2009

I don’t know which I’m more hungover from: the food or the booze from last night. Obviously the booze, but the food is not helping anyone right now. I feel like my stomach is trying to digest an economy sized rental car. And the booze is perfectly marinating the food with my stomach acid. As arbitrary as “last Monday Night Football game of the year/season/decade” sounds – it really is that arbitrary. Nevertheless, Dawgz and I treated it as a national holiday. Thankfully, I did not have work today because I would have missed it. There is no way I would have been able to get up at 7am. I was still real drunk well into 4am, so 7 wasn’t happening. I’m amazed that before noon happened, but there was so much guilt knocking at my door. He needed a ride. That’s what she said.

Brett Favre did not lose that football game last night. His offensive line, Adrian Peterson, and the Vikings defense lost that game. Peterson obviously lost it by losing the ball which was turned into the game ending points.

But I digress…

I saw some movies last week outside of Avatar. I saw (500) Days of Summer, Sherlock Holmes and Up In The Air. These three films are quite the rarity nowadays. They share one thing in common that nearly every other movie that has been made recently does not share. There are no vampires in these movies. That’s right, NO VAMPIRES!

No day walking vampires. No shimmering vampires. No high school vampires. No assistants to vampires. No government vampires. No TV drama vampires. NO VAMPIRES AT ALL!

It is very surprising to watch a new movie and find no vampires in them, since nearly every other movie has a vampire or some form of blood sucking undead monster. Because of all these vampires infiltrating all the movies I watch, have watched and will watch – I’ve become accustomed to thinking “when is the vampire going to show up?” I fully expect at any and all points any number of main characters could become or have been previously a VAMPIRE.

Naturally I think most people are constantly guessing in their head what the end of the movie will be as they are watching the movie. You are actively trying to figure out the puzzle before you. And with that, I am deducing who is a vampire in all movies no matter what. So, here are my reviews for the three mentioned movies, who I was expecting to be a vampire and how that would affect the movie. Today I’m going to just talk about (500) Days of Summer to drag out this idea for another day.

(500) Days of Summer

Really enjoyed this one. It is a great romantic/comedy for this indie rock generation I am vintage handcuffed to. The movie itself is a visual feast. Marc Webb I think is the director. He was a music video director and he brings that style to the movie. The story is simple and not even fully detailed, but Webb does an excellent job selling you this movie with clever sequences and a great soundtrack.

Zooey Deschanel continues to be the Prom Queen of the Indie Rock filmfile. She is brazenly cute and adorable with enough sex and danger mixed in. Webb did a great job color coding this movie blue to highlight Zooey’s blue eyes and they are mesmerizing.

As for Joseph Gordon Levitt, I didn’t like him too much before this movie, but I like him now. Another movie that was actively sold to the indie kids was Brick. I did not like Brick. I did not like it one bit. The rest of JoGoLe or JosGorLev’s recent dramatic acting I have not cared for. I really was beginning to wonder greatly about why this kid was in this many movies. He was inching his way towards Shia LaBeouf status in both saturation and me hating him. He’s great in this movie though. JosGorLev is really quite great as a leading man in this movie.

So I see the debate of who should play Ben from my “unreleased unfinished greatest novel ever” has stalled on the guy from Chuck. Not a bad choice I suppose. I don’t recall anything I’ve seen of his outside of Chuck. I’m not sure how much I see him being a darker, depraved character who could carry scenes that involve him killing people and then other scenes where he is trying to jerk off in his office’s public bathroom during work. One person who has recently peeked my interest is… you guessed it… JosGorLev.

JosGorLev is also Leonardo DiCaprio’s right hand man in Inception by Christopher Nolan. If Nolan likes him then I like him. That’s how I feel about Nolan. I think Levitt could pull off both types of scenes and looks like a guy who is an office drone who wants something more. My main problem right now with Joseph Gordon Levitt is that he is not tall enough. I’m sure he feels the same way. He is an undersized man. I don’t know how well that would translate in the office Fight Club style tournaments in the book.

As for the vampires?

At all points, I was expecting Zooey Deschanel was a vampire. That’s the big twist. The movie begins saying it is not a romance story where they end up together. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and he is forced to kill her for the good of the Los Angeles community! Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and joins her! This is not a love story because it is a VAMPIRE STORY. Maybe Joseph just breaks up with Zooey because she is a vampire and he can’t date vampires. That’s a rather blah one. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire when she murders all of the needless side characters in this movie! Yes! Kill them! KILL ESPECIALLY THIS ONE –

KILL THIS MAN! Not only in the movie, but in real life as well. GET HIM VAMPIRE ZOOEY! GET HIM WHILE HE SLEEPS! Do you know why? Do you know who this man is? Do you know what he is tied to in holy matrimony?






I’m too hung over to deal with this. It is disturbing enough sober. It makes me so angry.

13 Responses to “You Are Ruining My Christmas Vacation – Part II”

  1. kt said

    HE IS MARRIED TO CHRISTINA HENDRICKS!! Oh dear god. My girl crush is married to that weird guy in all the indie movies. I feel like I should have known this epic news before now, but I didn’t and I think I might be mad at you for telling me. I am a little flabbergasted over here. Ok, I need to turn this around and make it better. He obviously has a great personality. Better now. Moving on.

    I thought 500 Days of Summer was great, as was Up in the Air. Why is George Clooney still so hot? He was on the bang list when I was too young to have a bang list and he is still on it and dare I say he is even getting hotter.

  2. Amy D said

    What type of April Fools Day nonsense are you playing at in the end of December?? No VAMPIRES in Up In The Air?? I swore in one trailer scene I saw George sparkle. Son of a …. You’ve ruined the possibility of me seeing the film. I am however quite interested to hear your take on the Upcoming Daybreakers film. While there does not seem to be any sparkle peens involved, it never the less looks good.

  3. Forgetful Lucy said

    Good Morning Sunshine! I like reading KSWI in my PJs, it’s very comfortable.

    I loved 500 Days of Summer, and wouldn’t you know the damn thing left me hopeful that I would find my “Autumn” one day too. It’s the meet-cute, gets me everytime. Dagum romantic comedies! I like JGL, I approve of him as your Ben too. Have you noticed he actually resembles Heath Ledger? He does, imagine him with blonde curly hair, and there it is. Zooey is great, I love her singing too.

    Yeah, that weird looking guy, he is the type of guy you fall for without realizing it. One day you find yourself talking about how nice, funny, sweet he is. And then wonder, “Do I like-like him?” And then you give it a go, and he turns out to also be great in the sack. True Love. The End.

  4. Crystal said

    I don’t know who that girl is but she’s really pretty, and could do SO much better looks wise. BUT, maybe he’s really funny…or great in bed. Who knows?

    I could see JosGorLev as Ben too, but yes, he is too short. You know who isn’t? Zachary Levi. That fool is tall! And this:

    “I’m not sure how much I see him being a darker, depraved character who could carry scenes that involve him killing people and then other scenes where he is trying to jerk off in his office’s public bathroom during work.”

    I WANT all of that. Like so badly that the thought of it makes my stomach hurt. Zachary can pull it off too. He has range. You should watch “Spiral”. I am slightly biased though. Tis’ true.

    I have (500)Days of Summer on my netflix list but there is a short wait. Those bastards.

  5. Lala said

    I haven’t watched (500) Days of Summer, though I really want to. And I can totally see JGL as Ben. Also, I don’t know who that girl is either but I seriously can’t understand why she is with that guy… well, like people said maybe he is funny or has a great personality. Whatever.

  6. MLF said

    I haven’t seen 500 Days of Summer yet but it is on the list. The very, very long list. And is this just me or did anyone else picture the face circled in green as his O face?! Disturbing. I don’t know why my head is so messed up but this confirms it.

    • Raven said

      His O face?! You’ve ruined me with that. I’m going to try really hard to forget. Should I see an O face this evening, I’m certain it would be a mood breaker if I where to bust out laughing by thinking of this one. It could happen. I would have some splainin’ to do.

      • MLF said

        Oops. My bad. Hopefully if you do see an O face tonight though you will be too busy enjoying your own O face and will be too blissed out to remember anything else. I would aim for that, personally. Good luck and Godspeed.

  7. MLF said

    My dad just came home from Blockbuster with 500 Days of Summer. Hilarious. I didn’t mention the movie to him or anything- weird right?!

  8. Forgetful Lucy said

    JGL is 5’10”, Tyler Durden was 5’11”, I think we can work with the height, no?
    I still like the idea of Zachary too, it’s all about the beard man! Have you seen the beard?
    I will have to take them both for a test drive* on your next chapter post.

    Also, I did some KSWI-very-important-research to learn that Christina was introduced to Geoffrey by one of her Mad Men co-stars. She is quoted as describing her hubby as “very, very, giving”, (insert the age old fortune cookie game of adding “in bed” here), I BET HE IS!

  9. Crystal said

    The beard is love.

    I tried to find a picture with the beard he wasn’t smiling but he’s one happy motherfucker.

  10. aneira said

    i had lots to say but i dont really remember anything.
    i saw sherlock holmes.
    it was good, and entertaining.
    and im going to see nowhere boy. a film about the early years of john lennon. only playing in europe. hahaha hehehe. i get to see it and you dont.
    if you want a good vampire movie, an actually good one, “let the right one in” is a foreign film thats supposed to be really good. 97% on rotten tomatoes and i think ill read the novel if i can find it in english.
    im possibly going to see muse this march. purty darn ecstatic. theyr supposed to be really good live if you like them.
    i like the song too young to love by big pink along with their single dominoes
    also like trinity by paper tongues

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