It is Friday! Usually that means a weekly wrap-up on KSWI. But at the same time an NBA player took naked pictures of himself and I haven’t talked about it. What kind of humorous sports enthusiast would I be if I didn’t give my opinion on the topic? Probably an enthusiast with more journalistic integrity. Thankfully for all of you, I have no journalistic integrity. Today’s post will for the most part be about Greg Oden and his “part”, but I will answer a few quick questions and I’ll answer some more on Monday. Also I did see that dirty Dakota Fanning kisses Kristen Stewart in their forthcoming movie – that is a topic for next week.

Since it is Friday, I thought I would start off the post with a few jokes and a song.

JOKES

Women say that men don’t know what it is like to experience child birth and I say bullshit.

Gaining a ton of weight? It’s called “college”. I used to eat hot pockets 6 times a day.

Weird hunger urges? I get high all the time. I once ate lobster bisque and a taquito in a 7-11 parking lot after taking a few bong hits.

Morning sickness? It’s called every morning. I had some real lofty goals for my future self when I was kid and obviously I’m not a superhero space cowboy who plays in the NBA like I thought I’d be.

Insurmountable pain? Every man has caught the head of their penis in a zipper before. And all of us own a pair of button flies because of that nightmare.

Having to push 10 pounds out of a tiny hole on your buddy? I’ve won a chili eating contest in my life. And let’s just say you don’t have the same type of natural “elasticity” in your butthole.

Having a living thing growing inside of your stomach for 9 months feeding on your sustenance to live, only getting bigger and more unruly inside of you? One word: tapeworm. Or is that two words? One word or two words – “tape” “worm”. My “pregnancy” was the summer, fall, and winter of 2005 after a shrimp eating contest at Applebees.

TA DA!!!!

SONG

I am a big fan of this song recently. The video is pretty hysterical because of its obviously low budget and odd assortment of characters. Also, I truly do empathize with Akon and his dilemma. He is trying to think of the words to describe some lovely woman without sounding disrespectful. I fancy myself a wordsmith and I know exactly where he is coming from on this. If a girl has a really nice ass it is hard to make that sound romantic. At the same time, you don’t want to downplay the fact that she does have a great ass either. Quite the conundrum. So, this song resonates with me on an intellectual level more than one would think.

QUESTIONS

If this is how you celebrate the playoffs, how the hell do you celebrate the actual Superbowl? And dear god, how did you even survive last year with the Steelers playing??

I’ve had this discussion at length with Dawgz – the Conference Championship Sunday is arguably more fun than Superbowl Sunday. The Superbowl is a lot more spectacle than game. It has more commercial breaks, it is more focused on the halftime and pregame than the game, and it is just one game. Conference Championships is pretty much the last Sunday of real football and it is two games. I do love the Superbowl, but it is a lot more fashion over function at points. How did I survive last year? I’ll answer a question with a question – how did I survive the 2006 Superbowl as well? I’ve seen the Steelers in 3 Superbowls in my life and I’ve seen them win 2.

2006 Superbowl – I drank a case of Amstel Light.

2009 Superbowl – I watched it by myself with my dogs and didn’t drink any alcohol. My dogs are “straight edge” and I had to respect that. I did scream a whole bunch which scared the dogs.

Biscuits vs. rolls?

Rolls are like small loaves of bread. A biscuit is more of the greasy, buttermilk tasting variety. At our party they were supposed to be Pillsbury “crescent rolls”. Dawgz put the pop tubes* in the freezer not knowing they were meant for the fridge. So we couldn’t unravel the rolls into the crescent strips and instead I cut the rolls into circular lumps like I was cutting cookie dough. So they weren’t “crescent” and they weren’t “biscuits” – they were more or less dinner rolls.

Who decided orange and blue looked good when you wear them together?

The color spectrum.

Supposedly, that’s how it works.

A GROWN MAN’S PENIS

Greg Oden plays professional basketball for the NBA’s Portland Trailblazers. He went to the Ohio State University for one year in which he led their team to the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championships. He was the number 1 overall draft pick in 2007. He missed the entire 2007 NBA season after receiving microfracture knee surgery. He played off and on during the 2008 season due to injuries. On December 5th of last year, Oden injured his left knee which resulted in another season ending surgery. Lastly, earlier this week the world was gifted with three pictures of Greg Oden and his flaccid penis.

Yep. Yep. And Yep. Greg Oden has a penis and we’ve seen it. Apparently, Greg was in a relationship with a lady about a year and a half ago. He took these pictures of himself naked for her and sent them to her. Seemingly, that relationship has been over for a little while and this “lady” wanted to get a pay day or revenge, so she leaked the pictures to the all holy internet. Not the most original story in the world. Greg confirmed that was himself in the pictures and he apologized. He also has not sued anyone and believes he just wants to get the mess over with.

First, I am a fan of Greg Oden. I rooted for him and his O-H-I-O team. I thought he was a good choice at #1 by the Trailblazers. And I think it sucks that he keeps breaking his legs like he is Mr. Glass. Also, Greg Oden is a funny dude. Commercials, blogs, ESPY’s bits et cetera. He is a funny guy. I am a fan. I agree with how he is dealing with this scenario. He should apologize just because that is what is done in these situations. After that, he doesn’t need to sue anybody. Those pictures are already out there on the internet forever and always and suing somebody isn’t going to reverse that. And, lastly, he has nothing really to be ashamed about. It wasn’t like he took the pictures and sent them to some random person in the telephone book. He sent them to a girl he was seeing and she asked for them. I would guarantee 2 things:

1. He has a near quadrillion pictures of her naked on his computer. But no one wants to see her non-famous broke ass naked. So we won’t. Also, Greg isn’t some vengeful backstabbing bitch like she obviously is.

2. He fucked her. So it worked. I guarantee he had sex with her before and after those pictures were sent. The pictures were not taken frivolously. They had a purpose and the purpose was justified. It wasn’t his fault those pictures got sent around the world.

At the end of the day, they are just pictures of him naked. That’s it. He isn’t strangling a Haitian refugee in those pictures or planning a terrorist attack on the White House. It is just a picture of his junk. There are a million worse things Greg Oden could be doing in those pictures than just standing naked in front of his mirror. So people need to lighten up. I’m sure she enjoyed the pictures when he sent them and I’m sure he enjoyed whatever pictures she sent back. They had a good time, she ruined it and that’s all I have to say about that….. PSYCH! I’m fucking with you. I’ve got a shit ton more to say about it. So here we go:

What is bigger Kristen Stewart’s want or Greg Oden’s cock?

Obviously it is Kristen Stewart’s want. Greg Oden’s cock doesn’t go on for infinity. But it’s big though. Greg Oden definitely has a big one. Greg Oden is hung like… I guess every other black guy. That’s the rumor – brothers are packing. I guess it’s true. I mean I haven’t seen every black guy’s dick in the world. Thank God for that, am I right? That would be weird if I have seen every black man’s penis in the world. Maybe as weird for them as for me. Sometimes I wonder with all the porn I watch if there will ever be a moment when I say “I haven’t seen every black man’s penis in the world” and I’m lying.

So here’s the question you’re all wondering on the internet:

Does KSWI Jordan have a bigger penis than Greg Oden?

No.

That is a “no” with an “n” and an “o”. No. I do not have a bigger penis than Greg Oden. I am most definitely not hanging 9 inches slack. Was I supposed to be? No. If you thought I was packing more than Greg Oden’s anaconda than that is just completely unrealistic expectations by you the reader. All I am is funny. I’m pretty smart, I can hold my liquor, good taste in music and I have all the rules from Fight Club memorized, but nowhere does that denote “third leg” in my pants. That’s your fault for making that assumption. Not mine.

WORLD STAR HIP HOP

The real story, in my opinion, is that English language was murdered this week in the comments section of the “World Star Hip Hop” website. In that article by the Huff-Po about Greg Oden’s johnson, there is a link to the nude NSFW pictures. The pictures are being hosted on a website called “World Star Hip Hop”. The video of the pictures has been viewed over 2 MILLION times and there are well over 1 THOUSAND comments. These comments are the worst cases of homicide on a language I have ever seen in my life. These comments are the most uneducated, ignorant, racist, angry, lying, and most purely stupid comments I have ever read in my life in one sitting. They are an indictment on the failure of the human race.

AND(!) they also might be the funniest things I have ever read ever ever ever. I spent all Tuesday refreshing to see new comments. I then spent all Wednesday doing the same. I had work to do Thursday, so I forgot to check for new comments. Either way, it is brilliant. I am going to copy and paste some of my favorite comments from Tuesday with my humble opinion on each.

Firts niggas L.A. All day son!!!

“Firts”! This was literally the first comment and it couldn’t have been any more apropos for the deluge of idiocy that was inevitably going to follow. I would say just under half of the words in this comments section are misspelled and it is too funny that the very first word to appear in the comments section is not only “first”, but it is misspelled as “firts”. I love you internet, I really really do.

Gred ODEN got a SMALL DICK for being 7’0ft tall lmaooooooooooooooooo Raleigh, N.C. STAND UP! Lol

This person is delusional. Many comments think Greg Oden has a small dick either for his size or just in general. In both cases, they are wrong. What in the hell are they expecting a 7 foot tall man’s dick to look like? He is easily 8-9 inches flaccid in that picture. Seemingly if hard, he should be over double digits. That’s not a big dick? 8 – 9 inches is a big dick regardless. And this idea of his dick being “proportional” to him being 7 feet tall – first off it is proportional, secondly it doesn’t have to be, thirdly what’s proportional to them? Do they need him to carry around a meter stick and two balls?

Gettin yo dick exposed cause you in a sextape=cool. gettin yo dick exposed cause you takin stupid pics of yoself fo some cut= dumb nigga shyt. = not worth the bad look

I have to agree. It would be far much cooler if he was in a sex tape and not just these goofy pictures that were used to acquire “some cut”. Greg Oden sent these pictures to some chick, but we don’t know what she looks like. If she was really attractive then we would give Greg more leeway because the juice was worth the squeeze. That is just stereotypical reasoning. A sex tape provides that knowledge plus it is indisputable evidence that he had sex with said really attractive woman.   

If U are a dude and u clicked on this to watch U ARE A FAG!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! 

Presumably, a woman wrote this. Unless it is a man who has no sense of irony or it’s a very aggressive gay man. Regardless, I clicked on the link because I’m a journalist of sorts and because I was bored and because all it was was a few dick pics. It’s not like I had to suck on it to click on the link. If that was the case then I definitely would not have and I would have been either a really good journalist or indeed a “fag” if I had. 

man i dont care who that nigga is he got pip and i would defently let him hit. my number is 206 941 0266 call me boo i wont tell or show anyone

I guess we just answered the age old question about “love at first sight”. If a “nigga” has “pip” then she would “defently” let him “hit”. That’s true love there folks.

well if that really is him.. well his bad, but it dont make him a horrible person, alot of guys have done this b4 and sent it to a girl. i bet alot of guys have, even girls do it, just cause u are in the nba dont mean u are not human.

Outside of the spelling errors, this comment is lucid, sane and correct. I can’t say that about the majority of the comments on this page, so congratulations. 

Greg garbage ass Oden nigga always injured and this is the gay shit he does takes nude photos of himself

I just want that on damn near everything.

“Greg garbage ass Oden nigga” maybe the greatest five words put together in the English language. I remember it was Tolkien who thought the most perfect phrase ever constructed was “door in the floor”. HE WAS WRONG! “Greg garbage ass Oden nigga” is that phrase he spent his life searching for. I want the entire CafePress catalogue of items with that phrase printed on it – t-shirts, coffee mugs, underwear, aprons, flip camcorders, Christmas ornaments… all of them.

rule when u send pics of ur dick, dnt show ur face, jus show the dick.. clowns

This is a smart man. This is also a man who has sent pictures of his dick to people before.

AYO THIS IS FRENCHY FROM SO ICY ENTERTAINMENT. I GOTTA START BY GIVING MAJOR PROPS TO GREG ODEN FOR HAVIN SUCH A BIG ASS DICK..NO HOMO. ME AND MY NIGGAS WAS SITTIN HERE JUST ADMIRIN THIS NIGGAS SHIT AND WE BOUT TO MAKE A SONG IN TRIBUTE TO THIS NIGGAS SHIT..YA FEEL ME? ..AND NO HOMO..BUT ANYTIME YOU NEED A TUG A LUG HOLLA AT YA BOY FRENCHY. TOUCAN SAM COLORFUL ASS AINT GOT NOTHIN ON YOU MY BIG NIGGA..NO HOMO. SO ICY! SO ICY!

Up until the “Ya feel me?” I’m completely on board with this comment. I agree Greg is packing, there is nothing gay about me recognizing that, and if there was a tribute song written about Greg’s package then I would most certainly listen to it. He kind of loses me with the “tug a lug”. It sounds like he is inviting Greg over for a handjob. I may be reading that incorrectly. Either way, I hope they do write a song about Greg Oden’s wang.

i guess all black men are not packing, i could floss my teeth with that ding a ling, thats sad

You, my friend, must have some fucked up teeth. If you were going to floss your teeth with Greg Oden’s “ding a ling” then at best you would have a 3 inch gap in between each tooth. Circumference wise his penis looks as thick as my wrist.

These next four comments are just works of art that only a grandmaster could paint.

Damn Greg i know ur basketball career over,But damn dog how you gone go from superstar to regular ass thirsty nigga. I aint got near ass much money ass you,but you would neva catch me trickin flicks to a bitch. You fuckin the game up and yourself. Go lay down my nigga,get up and start again

Hands down my favorite comment. Hands down. I understand every single word of this comment and it frightens me and warms my soul. I completely get where this guy is coming from. He is damn near despondent about the revelation of these pictures. He saw so much more promise in Greg Oden and now that has all been thwarted. THWARTED! Greg Oden has shown that he is just a “regular ass thirsty nigga”. Completely true. I couldn’t have said it any better! And then “trickin flicks to a bitch” – is this Shakespeare? Good God is that brilliant! Trickin’ flicks!

Finally, words of advice from the greatest internet commenter ever, “You fuckin the game up and yourself”. True, so true. Sad, but true. Can’t you just hear this man’s heart reaching out to Greg? I can. Lord knows I can. What should Greg do now, oh prophetic gentle man? “Go lay down my nigga, get up and start again”. GLORY! GLORY! HALLELUJAH! THE BEST COMMENT EVER!!!

white folks always want to see a black mans shaft.. LOL!! bunch of homos and skanks!

FUNNIEST COMMENT EVER!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Seriously, that is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. This comment is a grand sweeping generalization of ALL white people. And the grand sweeping generalization is? We’re all “homos and skanks”. YES! Do you know how many white people are in the world? Easily over a billion! Over a billion “homos and skanks”! I love it.

and even if he didnt have abig one i would never sex nobody but a black man because they know to work it.. its called soul screwing!1 you got to have a soul white folks!!

And here is your latest winner for greatest new entry on Urban Dictionary: “Soul Screwing”! Also, the comment believes white people (all) have no souls. Not “soul” like the colloquial term used with different arts like music and cooking. But the thing itself “a soul”. White people literally have no “souls”. I always thought there was something different about us and now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

And finally…

First Tiger now Greg whos next Obama? another one bites the dust

Yes. Yes it is. The three seemingly infallible pillars of the African-American race: Tiger Woods, Greg Oden and Barack Obama.

Have a great weekend.

More politics, sort of…

January 28, 2010

…………

…….

Well apparently, I’m not as “swamped” as I thought I was. And I really liked that ending with Bryant Gumbel, but I did forget one thing I wanted to mention about politics from last night. So forgive me for the double posting. I know that throws off this one and done every day posting I had going for me. Minus the whole 60+ year old guys list, which sadly a member of that list, JD Salinger, died today, but he will forever live on the list.

On CNN prior to the speech, they had their usual battalion of pundits sitting at their roundtables. First, they all look like they are on top of each other sitting at those tables. They look so uncomfortable. Why? Because they are on top of each other! TV cameras make things appear farther apart than they are. If you want two people on camera then they need to be close. Those people look so close like they are on top of each other and, in reality, they are so close they are inside each other – not in a sexual way, more like an osmosis sharing of particles way or parallel universe way.

CNN tries to have a nice mixtures of right wing Republicans and left wing Democrats at the tables. The best example of this is married couple James Carville and Mary Matalin. They are an extremely odd couple because politically they are pretty extreme opposites. And people have always wondered how the two co-exist. It doesn’t seem possible. They are amazingly outspoken about their views and they’ve worked different sides of political rivalries. It isn’t that they are friends, but they are actually married! How nuts is that? So last night, I figured it out.

Yep. I figured it out. I figured out their marriage. I figured out how they fell in love, how they got married, and how they continue to stay together. The institution of marriage is failing all around this country between couples that one would think would work. Nick & Jessica broke up for Christ’s sake, but Carville and Matalin are still together. The light of their relationship’s truth is so bright and clear to me now it is almost blinding. I can’t believe no one has figured this out sooner. So here it is, their relationship works on two levels:

1. No one is more insane about politics than these two. They can find common ground on their passion for the politicos. It is a love for government and knowing about it and discussing it and reading about it day and night. They can sit for hours talking and reading and discussing and arguing every little fragment of political knowledge. Most people would give up. Most people would get frustrated. Most people would say “SHUT UP ABOUT FUCKING POLITICS FOR ONE MINUTE!” But they never reach that level. They can egg each other on forever. They get each other’s favorite passion. It is like the two most diehard baseball fans who root for opposing teams getting together. They understand their love of talking on-base percentages, hanging fastballs and off-season trades. Most people don’t. Regardless of your team, you both can share your love of the sport itself. A love of politics over a love of a party.

That is one half of the puzzle that makes their marriage work. The other half…

2. Hate fucking.

Yep. Picture it. In your head. Now. These two must hate fuck the shit out of each other. So much hate fucking. It must be sweaty and angry and loud and full of the most obscure political facts. Just imagine the two of them bound to each other in missionary position. James Carville gritting his teeth barking about healthcare reform, how stupid the Tea Party is and how the US economy would have collapsed without the bail out and how the Republicans should be on board considering it was something that W’s administration started. Then they switch and Matalin gets on top and rides him like a brand new Arabian show horse that needs to be broken to follow her instructions, meanwhile she rants and raves about the deficit, Obama spending his first year talking healthcare instead of jobs, and what’s going to happen in Iraq when the troops leave.

They just hate fuck each other until they love each other.

And I’m done.

Questions for tomorrow?

or not at work… a lot of people are unemployed. *wah wah*

Today’s post is clearly not about what I teased yesterday. I might write about that tomorrow. I honestly forgot the State of the Union address was on last night while I was writing yesterday’s post. I did realize it later in the day and watched it last night. Hopefully, you all did as well. You didn’t? Why not? Politics are sexy, right? There are a lot of 60+ year old men in the House and Senate, am I right!?!

Here is President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address from last night.

You should watch it. Why? It’s the damn STATE OF THE UNION! And by “Union” we all should know we mean “Everything”. Barack Obama is the President of the United Planets of EVERYTHING! Plus Barack is the Golden Child. Sean Hannity has a different name for him, “the Annoited One”, but Sean Hannity is also an ASSHOLE. If you are a fan of Fox News I would be surprised if you read this blog, but if you are you have to admit the guy is a total dick. Later in this blog I’m going to talk about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and how she is the ball busting “Ice Queen”. But I love her. There is no way people can rationally think Sean Hannity isn’t an asshole. Like him or not – a-hole. Moving on…

I should have done my whole cell phone picture thing like I did for yesterday’s post. But I didn’t. I stupidly assumed that the footage that would be on Youtube today would be the SAME footage as shown last night. That would make sense. It isn’t. The footage is cropped different and you can’t see Biden and Pelosi as much. On the television box set you could see their faces the whole time pretty much –  todas las cabezas. Now you can’t. Which in all honesty ruins a ton of my jokes… that is unless you watched it on TV last night.

Also, I’m pretty sure Dawgz would’ve killed me if I was pausing the speech every other minute to snap an iPhone picture of every panning shot. That is the other thing – the cut away shots seem to be different. So, I’m not the happiest right now because there were so many pictures I could have taken. Anyway, I’ll try to be interesting or funny or whatever without them. I did take a couple screenshots off the youtube video 

Onto the speech. I thought it was great. I thought it was a great speech where Obama went on the offensive and spoke in plain terms trying to undo a lot of the inaccurate bashing of his first year as President. There was some great moments that everyone online is talking about like the Republicans not applauding for 95% of all working families receiving tax cuts. Because Republicans are against cutting taxes? I’m sure they know better than I do since they represent the “working man” and everything. Even Barack expected them to stand-up and applaud and he says so in the speech.

It is always funny watching for either the applause or not applause moments from the Republicans. One great moment was during this part of the speech from Barack on stimulating the economy:

“I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat-

Sounds like a good idea, right? Remember when people said Barack hasn’t done anything this past year meanwhile he fixed the banks and they are now paying back the money we used to bail them out. They haven’t paid it ALL back, but they’ve paid a lot back. So we take that money we are getting back from them and now could be reinvesting  it into small buisnesses. Either way, the Republicans are not applauding.  

“I am also proposing a new small business tax credit — one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages-

New workers? Yeah, right? Raising wages? Yeah, right? Tax credit? Yeah, right? The Republicans are still not applauding.

“While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment; and provide a tax incentive for all businesses, large and small, to invest in new plants and equipment.”

AND THEY ARE ON THEIR FEET APPLAUDING! YEAH! MONEY! THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE CAN MAKE MONEY! YEAH MONEY FOR US! There are two things Republicans hate – Capital Gains taxes and Death Taxes – not something most people in this country need to give a fuck about it. But whatever, they’re the big tent party and all representing the working man.

Also, look out for the Montgomery Burns look-a-like in the crowd on the Republican side. He is wearing an orange tie and he looks like he is doing the trademarked “eggggg-ssssell-ent”. I found this online somewhere, but the quality isn’t the best. Anyone you get the point.

Also, a nice set of standing ovations from the Republicans was when Barry was talking about “energy”. They weren’t really clapping or standing during the mention of solar energy or new technology like fuel cells or biodiesel or anything that is really “green”. But those dudes fucking loved it when he mentioned “nuclear power”.

Yeah! Nuclear! We love to smash atoms*! Argh yes! We’re Republicans and we love nuclear energy!

Then Barry mentioned gas… YES! YES! YES! GASOLINE! The energy of the FUTURE! Gas! We love setting things on fire that has fumes! Oh yes! FOSSIL FUELS! Rub them on my body! Then light it on fire! I love drilling into the Earth for the remains of dead dinosaurs and shoving it into my car and lighting it on fire! YES! GASOLINE!

And finally… “clean coal”. Yeah. They weren’t so psyched about “clean coal” because I don’t think that is an actual “thing” that “exists”, but some politician said it and both sides run with it. So yeah, “clean coal”. Wooh. Rocks that we can set on fire. Yeah.

Besides the speech, there is a lot of other humor in the State of the Union. I would suggest keeping an eye on Nancy “The Ice Queen” Pelosi. Watch her death stare people in the crowd. Watch her angry talk to herself whenever a Republican issue is brought up or if they make any noise in the crowd. Watch her chew out Joe Biden a few times. And especially watch Joe “The Celtic” Biden stand everytime Pelosi stands knowing that she will definitely tear him a new asshole if he doesn’t. They’re like an old married couple it is brilliant. He just nods and she berates and yells.

They don’t show it on the Youtube video, but Pelosi is furious at the beginning of the speech. They announce Barack to walk in and everyone is getting handshakes. Meanwhile, Pelosi is giving Biden an earful*. She looks wild and Biden just slowly nods his head along.

I would love to know who the black woman in the red is sitting next to Pelosi. I’m not sure who she is, but I pray she works for Pelosi. I hope she is Pelosi’s right hand woman. The two of them keying Republicans’ cars in the parking lot. She has to reign in Nancy every once and awhile when Nancy suggests putting on ski masks and mugging any member of the House of Reps who doesn’t vote along the way she wants.

Don’t you get the feeling that a few House members have awoke to Nancy Pelosi sitting in their kitchen smoking a cigarette with a cup of black coffee and their morning newspaper. They’re startled and she makes vague calm threatening statements about knowing where their family is at all times of the day “just in case”. Pelosi runs the House.

And, maybe, my favorite part of the speech was the two mentions of the graceful First Lady Michelle Obama. The first one marking the childhood obesity project she is working on. Did everyone clap? Did everyone stand? You bet your fucking ass they stood. You bet your fucking ass they clapped. You don’t mess with a man’s wife. And Barack is THE MAN. The Republicans stood and clapped and even hammed it up trying to get her to stand and give a bow. Because if you didn’t – you know Barack is going to kick your ass.

I’m actually pretty swamped at work, so that is going to be enough for today. I really liked the speech and pretty much every speech I’ve ever heard by Barry. Listening to him speak makes my brain want to work faster. When I listen to Barack give a speech like last night, when Barack gives formal speeches in general, he does make me have hope for the future. Not just down the road in the long run all Hegelian like. But for this year. He has pulled the banks together, put the car industry through bankruptcy, moving troops out of Iraq and yes into Afghanistan where more troops should have been which was why we started losing ground there, we’re closer to healthcare reform than we ever have been and I think we’re a stronger country now than we were at W’s last State of the Union.

So to paraphrase a great quote by Bryant Gumbel concerning the 1982 Dolphins/Chargers football playoff game – “If you didn’t like this hope filled speech then you didn’t like hope!”

Today’s post is provided to you by Diana Olick, her jacket and my iPhone.

Let’s start from the beginning: Devin Hester’s black ass. My life has been separated into two distinct periods of time: Pre-DHBA and Post-DHBA. I’m sure many of you have heard of the “pre-9/11 world” and now we live in a “post-9/11 world”. Very similarly, my life changed once I saw Devin Hester’s black ass on television. At that moment, on national television when Devin Hester was pantsed and America, nay the World, saw his black ass – my immediate thought was “I need to take a picture of this.”

That was funny. Really that all couldn’t have happened if I did not have an iPhone with a media plan that allows for unlimited emails and whatever. I took out my iPhone, I snapped a picture and then I uploaded it to my computer. After that, I sent it to just about everyone I knew and then wrote a post about it. That was a life changing moment because now when I watch TV I take pictures of what I’m watching from time-to-time that I find puzzling or funny. Case in point: Microsoft Windows 7 snap feature commercial with the 8 foot tall goof and the 4 foot tall goof’s wife. I thought that went over splendidly.

This  leads me to last night and Diana Olick’s jacket. I’m sitting and watching NBC’s world news with Brian Williams and Ms. Olick is reporting a story. I’m not sure what her story was about. Her story may have been the one I’m about to talk about, but it might not so yeah I wasn’t really paying attention. What was I paying attention to?

Diana’s jacket first caught my eye because I thought to myself “that has a shitload of gold buttons on it.” That was my first first thought. I decided to investigate these buttons and what were they buttoning. I could account for all the buttons except for this one in the picture which appears to be buttoning a piece of material that has no appropriate reason to being on the jacket.

What’s that material for, Diana!?! What’s that square of material and a gold button securing it down for, Diana!?! Hun? Is this what NBC is spending its money on? You and your fancy gold buttoned extra material jackets, Diana. What about Haiti? What about the Haitians!?! They could use those gold buttons and extra wool for something I’m sure. But you’re hogging it all to yourself for frivolous matters like fashion, Diana. What do you think you are better than me, Diana? What’s the button and material for, Diana!?! Answer me, Diana.

Minus Diana Olick and her extravagant jackets, I took a few more pictures of other stuff I found interesting. The following story on NBC was a story about this guy:

This guy was on NBC to talk about the housing crisis that is still going on in America. Apparently, there is a new website that helps people walk out on mortgages that they got into last year on houses that are now worth half of what they were a year ago. So, the guy was essentially on to be the face of this burgeoning trend in America.

He was saying how he invested into this mortgage and this house, but now the house is not worth anything, so he can walk out of his house and mortgage and rent pretty much the same exact house down the street for half what he is paying now and blah blah blah. Ok, I get it buddy.

At first, I was on this guy’s side. He is a young guy just trying to get by in life. He has a wife and this is his first house and they want to start a family together. He is barely making ends meet paying off this mortgage on a house that is not worth anything. If he could just get out of this mortgage he could live in the same house for half the money now. I am on your side, man. You’re a 30 something guy probably closing in on 40 and you’re buying a house in the suburbs and we’re going to cut to some B-roll of the guy on the computer typing into the website that helps get people out of their mortgages-

Uhhhh… Dude, what is up with the rings? You didn’t tell me you wear an assload of rings. And by assload I mean anymore than your wedding ring. Which in this picture I cannot even see him wearing either. What the hell happened, guy? I thought you and I were on the same page here. Just a couple of bros trying to make it in this shitty housing crisis/economy world. We understood each other. You want to start a family? Not with all those rings I hope. What are you Lenny Kravitz? Where did all this jewelry come from? You’ve changed exponentially since the close-up. I feel like I’ve been used.

What in the hell is happening? Two rings on his right hand and at least one on his left. I thought he said he was married so there is a chance he could have a fourth ring. Four rings!?! These are not NBA Championship rings! This isn’t Bill Russell. Why do you have so many rings? And a watch? Nothing against watches, but watches and rings? This all too much. Way too much accessorizing. And I see what appears to be some metal around your right wrist as well – MORE JEWELRY? Unless you are part machine then you need a lot less metal on your hands.  And I’m not against people wearing crosses, but that one looks less “Jesus Christ cross” like and more “Abercrombie & Fitch cross” like.

I really just feel betrayed at this point. I feel like NBC and this guy were just average people, but now I see this guy is trying to hold onto his youth by adding a ring for every additional decade he wants back in life. C’mon man. I don’t care about this guy’s mortgage anymore. Nah, that’s harsh. Just because he wears an assload of rings, a “Hollister” Christian necklace and is probably a tool doesn’t mean he deserves to get screwed over by mortgage lenders. That it is a really terrible thing in life to worry about losing your house and your credit being bad for almost a decade and I-

Is that his wife!?! Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy! The Lord of the Rings over here who can’t pay his mortgage is nailing this hot chick? Ugh. I hate this guy.

Now, I’m furious. Thanks NBC. You and your B-Roll footage have made me hate this man. I HATE HIM! I went from not knowing of his existence, finding out he has house troubles and I was starting to hope for the best for him, the big reveal that he has a crazy set of rings, and now a hot wife who wears wife beater undershirts and black things around the wife beaters that emphasize her cleavage in the wife beaters. Fuck this guy. So this hot chick fell for…

A bracelet! What is the 70’s? C’mon! I don’t see a wedding ring either. Not at least on the appropriate finger. I hate this dude. I hate all his stupid chrome on his stupid hands. Hot wife aside, it could be worse. This guy could have a thumb ring. Fuck dudes and their thumb rings. Fuck them. I’m making a stand against guys and thumb rings! What may have been cool for a second in 1994 is not cool now. NBC screwed me over on wasting a second on worrying about this guy. Hey man, want to make your mortgage payments? SELL YOUR MAN JEWELRY!

The next TV show I watched was Jeopardy. And the chick one which was a surprise because she was losing forever. But I didn’t take any pictures of Jeopardy. I’m pretty sure you know what that looks like. The next time the camera came out was for Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel on HBO.

First, Bryant Gumbel is 61. I’m just saying.

Second, I love Real Sports. One of my favorite shows. They were doing a piece on how the Dallas Cowboys’ make-shift practice facility collapsed during training camp over the Summer. It was a massive tent like structure that housed at least a football field. It was huge. There was a storm in the middle of practice and the tent collapsed. Most people got out safe, but over a dozen people were injured including one being paralyzed from the waist down.

The story itself was focusing on, could this have been prevented? A federal investigation has said that it could have been. Apparently, the architectural company who made this tent was doing as much as they could with spending the least amount of money. Real Sports went to some big time scientists who know about wind. There was a fancy name like aeronautical or something, but “wind nerds” works too. The wind scientist they interviewed was this guy:

Yes! Yes! I LOVE AMERICA! Of course, this guy is the leading scientist that HBO could find to talk about wind. Of fucking course. You know there were other guys they could have talked to. The United States of America’s head science place where they know about wind and architecture and weather is not just this guy. There are dozens upon dozens of brainiacs running around with Avatar screensavers and they all can speak fluent Klingon. But none of them have a mustache like this gentleman.

So, we need to grab one of you nerds to talk to Frank about wind and steel structures. I’m not sure which one of you is the most quali—- LOOK AT THAT GUY’S MUSTACHE! LOOK AT THAT MOOSE-STACHE!

He even twirls the ends of it! It’s practically insane that he does this. I have no experience twirling my mustache with some sort of mustache wax because I didn’t fight in the Civil War, I’m not a carnival enthusiast or a wind scientist. How often does he have to reapply mustache wax to keep it looking that amazing? I’m guessing every day. People put hair gels, creams, clay or whatever in their head hair every day. I’m guessing every day, but even if it was every other day. Imagine how fantastically ridiculous it is that he is seemingly a brilliant man and at the same time is twirling his mustache into fine points with wax at least at least at least once every 48 hours.

I would trust the shit out of this man, though. This man will not steer you do a wrong path. He has nothing to gain in steering you down a wrong path in life. His mustache has completely made him a social outlander, a leper even, so what would he gain by screwing with you? He tells the truth. And Lord knows that a man who is waking up pretty much every morning and looking at himself in the mirror and co-signing this facial hair fashion decision every fucking morning is a man who has a lot of time on his hands to know EVERYTHING about wind, steel structures and weather. I wouldn’t ask him to help me fill out an OkCupid profile, but I would bet my life on anything this man has to say about science just by mustache alone.

Real Sports has great journalistic integrity besides the mustached scientist, so they had someone from the architectural firm, The Summit group or something, to explain their side of the story. I’m open to hear their side of the story. Maybe they truly did try to build a successful tent structure for the Cowboys. Maybe the didn’t know that the actual architect they hired was a con-artist criminal (true). He lied on his resume and application, so how were they supposed to know. Maybe, just maybe they are not the bad guys. So, let us hear from their President:

Oh man. Am I wrong in assuming this architectural firm’s President is 12 years old? Am I wrong is assuming this “man” is 12? He could be 13. He could also be 11. I wouldn’t trust this guy. This guy does not look to have an ounce of confidence in himself, his company, his architecture and should have no confidence in his ability to dress himself.

I mean he is fully clothed. He isn’t dressed improperly to the point that he is not wearing the clothes correctly. The head and neck are sticking out of the neck hole and the tie is tied right. He’s wearing the jacket around his arms and not as pants or something. So the clothes are literally on him, but the clothes themselves? C’mon man! What in the eff is this color selection we have going on? If you’re unsure of dressing with colors then don’t choose a whole bunch of colors. Don’t choose more of what you don’t understand to begin with.

Navy blue jacket – fine. It’s classic. A cappuccino brown shirt. No. Already no. I haven’t even gotten to the tie and I’m already at no. That should be a problem. Why not wear a white shirt? Why not at least double down on blue and get a blue shirt? What goes with blue? BLUE! Shit is not too complicated. So he’s got this blue jacket and a brown shirt and all the primary colors tie. Why? Why do you have a tie with red, blue, and yellow that is all red with this? I don’t like it. I don’t like IT! This outfit right here reminds of children in suits at a dance or family function or church/temple so that they need to dress up.  The kid has a simple suit, whatever shirt the parents can find and then whichever one of dad’s ties dad does not feel like gambling that the kid may drool or get spaghetti sauce on.

I don’t trust that idiot. If I can’t trust him to at least make sense dressing on TV for an HBO interview he was not forced to do to represent his own company then I can’t trust him to build millon dollar temporary structures. And apparently I shouldn’t because Summit has a history of their structures collapsing. Real Sports mentions this and then they showed a series of collapsed structures-

Isn’t this just about the saddest picture ever? Look at those cows! They look like the two most emotionally defeated cows ever. The one is so defeated she can’t even bother to stand. And no one say anything about how if a cow goes down it can’t get up or anything, I’m not sure if that is true, but that cow will STAND again! I can see it! She’s just beat at this point. And I’m guessing their female, right? Anyway, she is just like ‘fuck this’ and had to lay down.

The other cow, the main cow, she is looking straight into the camera and saying:

“Can you believe this shit? Look at what these dumbass motherfuckers have done to me. Loot at this dumbass fucking tent. Look at it! It is confetti. It is motherfucking stupid ass confetti. And they thought this was going to hold up to wind? Look at this shit. Look at these bent pipes and the stupid ass paper. What the hell was going through their stupid ass minds when they made this dumb ass tent? Who the hell sticks cows in a tent? I can’t believe this shit. When did tents become so prevalent that there are architectural firms solely based around building dumb ass tents? Build a barn you lazy motherfuckers. I can’t believe my fat cow ass is out in this field in the middle of this torn and broke ass tent.”

I don’t know what emotional range a cow’s face actually has, but these two cows’ faces say a lot to me. And they curse a lot.

“I knew this dumb ass tent wasn’t going to stay up. I knew it. I knew it from the moment I saw that squirrelly assed 11 year old in his stupid ass suit. I said to myself there is no way that dumb ass motherfucker knows how to make a high wind resistent tent. There is no way, no how. But no one listens to a cow. How is a cow supposed to know about what makes a structurally sound tent? Well I tell you what, look at this broke ass tent now. Who’s laughing now? Not me. I’m in the middle of this damn tent! It was scary as hell when that storm hit. Soon as the wind picked up I said this shit was going down and it did. Roof caved in and everything. Roof? Stupid ass piece of paper is more like it. That dumb ass paper went flying and these flimsy ass bars buckled under some damn wind. I knew this dumb ass tent wasn’t going to protect us. I knew it. I hate when I’m right.”

“At least we survived.”

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up. At least we survived? You know they are just going to build another dumb ass tent to put us in. I wish they would just kill us for burger meat and get it over with! Just make me into a steak already you lazy motherfucking tent buying idiot asses. I hate this shit.”

Then I watched Better Off Ted which was great. And then I rewatched the season finale of Lost.

So quick question? Do you all want me to write a post about NBA star Greg Oden’s naked pictures or not? I wasn’t sure if I should write it or not, but at the same time I think it will be funny because well I did just write about mustaches, cows who sound an awful lot like a stereotypical angry black woman, jackets, suits, men wearing rings et cetera. So what are your feelings on a post about Greg Oden showing off his “Greg Oden”?

Joan Jett told Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar.

Woah! Woah! Woah! That is no way to start a new week of posts. I have to talk about the weekend.  I have to talk about football. I cannot just jump in and talk about Joan Jett fucking guitars. That would be completely unprofessional of me to not address my weekend in the slightest and begin speaking on a subject like Joan Jett having aggressive sex with a stringed inanimate object on stage in front of people and being such a proponent of this endeavor that she rounds up young Hollywood starlets and bluntly tells them to do it as well.

But Joan Jett did tell Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar in the Vancouver Sun newspaper – right here

I did not post yesterday. I hope all of you can forgive me for not posting on Monday. I know it must have been a very tough day without my ramblings egging you on to strive forward and accomplish life. I find that my writings are inspirational and can cure the sick. It heals both physically and emotionally and spiritually. I have seen reports that reading enough KSWI will cure swine flu (that reference is so 2009). It also can be used to cure more common ailments: depression, anxiety, hyper tension, lethargic tension, stuffy head, anal leakage, spider veins, persistent cough, writer’s block, restless leg syndrome and can restore one’s faith in monotheism.

I did not get a chance to post because I do not get paid to post in any form whatsoever and because I was violently hungover. Those two situations created the perfect storm of me laying in bed under the covers with the lights off, a fan on my face, and my head at the foot of my bed and my feet at the head of my bed. I spent the majority of that time wishing that the hurricane like mess downstairs in my kitchen and living room would be miraculously cleaned up by an army of day laborers. This wish was not fulfilled. Much of Monday was spent complaining about being hungover, slowly cleaning up the apartment, and watching DVRed television programs from Sunday night.

So what of Sunday? What of football?

First and foremost, I thought both games were exciting. The second game was a little more exciting than the first, but both were good games. The Jets Defense spent the entire first quarter doing what they had said they were going to do all week. They were hitting Peyton Manning, they were stifling his offensive creativity, and they were making the Colts settle for field goals. That was impressive. Problem is, the NFL plays FOUR quarters of professional tackle football and not ONE quarter. The rest of the game was the unstoppable white and blue scoring horseshoe marching the ball up and down the field like no other team has done to the Jets all year.

The Jets have a solid team and should be excited about their future. At the same time they are a bunch of bitches who had the easiest road into the post season by playing back-to-back teams who let them win. They did beat the Chargers which was unexpected, but the Chargers have a weak defense and no one has the balls to step up to the plate and tell LT he needs to move on and let someone else play. If the Jets go into the 2010 season with a similar team they have now then they should be an interesting team to watch next year. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is an exciting young QB who will definitely get better. They have a great offensive line and a series of amazing running backs. Their wide receivers kind of blow goats. Their defense is quite quite good. Darelle Revis is the man. Jim Leonard and Bart Scott are quite good as well. And Rex Ryan seems like he knows how to lead a team as well as feed himself buckets of slop from a trough.

Peyton Manning and the Colts are pretty good. Easily the favorites going into the Super Bowl and they should be. No matter if they win or lose this Super Bowl, people should question their decision making in week 16. With two games left in the season, the Colts forfeit pretty much and allow themselves to lose their last two games of the season. Lame. Their idea was that saving their starters from those two games would pay off with them being fresh for the playoffs. I sincerely do not care. This is professional tackle football and the most holy of holy records is the perfect season. They had their chance and they pissed on it. They pissed on the perfect season. If they win the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and won the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it. If they lose the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and then lost the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it.

As an organization, they stood over the perfect season and unzipped their pants. A faint musk of dirty underwear mixed with day old sweat stains mixed with current day sweat stains suffocating the air. They pulled out their collective junk. Shorn clean from a Gillette Fusion razor. Smooth, but covered in razor stubble and little pimples. A few stray curly hairs that some how tip toed around the five cold and sharp razor blades. At first, just a jet stream of piss hits the perfect season in the face. Just one wake up shot right in the eye. And now the Colts’ penis is ready and aligned to let loose its bladder. And in a golden shower that could last 40 days and 40 nights, the Colts piss all over the perfect season. Piss dripping from every corner of the perfect season. As the Indianapolis Colts’ third string quarterback Curtis Painter laughs and laughs in the background; he is the perfect symbol of pissing on the perfect season.  

The second game was a shoot out. I think most expected a wild affair, maybe ending in overtime. It was exactly what we were hoping for. Although the team who actually played “best” lost. Brett “Odysseus” Favre put on quite the show. Out gaining the New Orleans Saints at home in the Thunderdome by 200+ yards, the Vikings lost the game on their own terms. Apparently, the Vikings wanted to prove they were the better team, but at the same time did not want to go through the trouble of having to play in the Super Bowl. So they ran wild on the Saints up and down the field and when push came to shove, they fumbled. A LOT! Six times actually. The Vikings played really well, but they kept turning the ball over.

I’m sure you’ve seen the coverage about Brett Favre throwing the interception that ended the game et cetera nonsense. The whole team was losing the ball and Brett was having a hell of a game out there outside of that interception. Brett and the whether or not he is retiring circus has already started. I hope he comes back and I don’t understand why he shouldn’t. He had arguably the best season he has had in easily a decade. My opinion on Brett Favre’s physical health is that he would be perfectly ready to play heroicly in the Super Bowl in two weeks if the Vikes had won. So he is fine for next season.

Not to make it sound like the Saints didn’t do anything that game, but the Vikings did kind of give that game away, especially in the second half. But the Saints are a strong team. I thought between them and Vikings that the Saints had the better chance against the Colts. I think this will be an exciting fast paced Super Bowl with touchdowns and smiles and good times and the Who and I’m excited.

Sunday was a good day. This all happened in Jersey City – watched two games of football, played beer pong, pretty much killed a keg of beer, cooked 14 pounds of ham, made 4 pounds of mashed potatoes, two boxes of stuffing, dinner rolls, a few dozen buffalo wings, three trays of pigs in a blanket, a tray of apples stuffed with sausage, a cake, tons of chips, and, of course, laughter with friends… which was fueled by the obscene drinking of beer. Anyway, now that stuff is out of me sort of and I’m tired. I need a day off from my days off.

Joan Jett fucks guitars and has been for like 30 years. It is about 35 years of hard fornication with a musical instrument from the chordophone family.

In maybe the bluest puff piece article I’ve ever read, Kristen Stewart reveals two sentences that 51 year old Philadelphia native, Ms. Joan Jett, said to Kristen. These two sentences are seemingly to help Kristen prepare for her role as Joan Jett in The Runaways movie. I would imagine when the producers contacted Joan to do some musical consulting or supervising for the movie considering the movie is based on her and her band mates that they were not expecting Joan Jett to say the following two sentences of advice:

1. Put your pussy to the wood

And…

2. Fuck your guitar

I have thoughts and questions. Numerous. First, why was this not a song for the actual Runaways band and/or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I would not say I’m very familiar with either bands’ discographies, but I’ve heard the singles. And the singles are good. There are a lot of great rock and roll songs in there that are both punk and classic rock and I don’t remember every hearing the lyrics “put your pussy to the wood”. I’m not a music producer. I’m not even a lyric writer. I cannot play an instrument. I have never been in a band. But I would make a small wager that if a band of average to good looking females wrote a halfway decent song with the lyric “Put your pussy to the wood” followed by them all screaming “fuck your guitar” that it may sell pretty well on iTunes.

That is just a shot in the dark, but I feel like you can quote me on that. “Put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” are lyrics I’m pretty sure will resonate to at least a small percentage of the population. So Joan Jett, huh? Not really mincing words.

I really wish I could have been there to have seen the face of the Canadian celebrity reporter sent out to interview Twilight star Kristen Stewart about her upcoming film The Runaways. Kristen, I’ve heard that Joan Jett was on set while you were filming The Runaways, what was that like? Did she have any words of advice about being a rock and roller? Uhhh… what? Put your what to the what? Did you say puuuu… puuuu… sss.. puss… I’m sorry, but if this is how you and Joan Jett think “cool” people talk then you are dead wrong missy. You don’t go around telling people to put their puuu *cough* lady parts on, well anything. That is not a lady like thing to say in the least. And I am not … fornicating with any guitar or any musical instrument for that matter. Never again!

Yes, in that scenario one can assume the Canadian reporter did have sex with a musical instrument at least once, but is ashamed by the experience(s) for whatever reason(s). So put your pussy to the wood and fuck your guitar. I really don’t understand how the greatest original thought by Joan Jett has been sidelined to some shitty newspaper article and not as the chorus for a rousing anthem. If this year Joan Jett comes out with a song titled “fuck your guitar” and has “put your pussy to the wood” in the song somewhere, I’m saying I told you so.

The rest of the article doesn’t get any less R-Rated. Kristen’s following quote ends the short and Sam Kinison-esque article:

“Both [of these women have] a dominant sexuality. They had to fight,” says Stewart. “People like girls to be sexy and they did then, too, but in a different way. They didn’t want to get f*cked [by the girl], they wanted to f*ck them.”

In my opinion, I would be more worried about Joan Jett fucking me than me fucking her. She said “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar”. That is a woman who owns and regular uses a strap-on. I think Joan Jett has an exercise routine specifically designed to workout the muscles used for fuck thrusting and hers are of an Olympic caliber at this point. Joan Jett is full of so much testosterone that I could inject a vile of her sweat as steroids. So I disagree with Kristen. I’m pretty sure Joan Jett dictates any and all sexual experiences that she is apart of – vis a vis aka ie eg – Joan Jett fucks you.

The second point I think needs to be addressed is – we’re talking about Dakota Fanning. I know that Kristen Stewart and all her want is putting her pussy to the wood and fucking her guitar as Joan Jett. Kristen’s got her black hair and leather pants and her no nonsense attitude. She’s the punk princess for whatever reason nowadays. She’s the anti-culture’s queen. I get it. But “both of these women have a dominant sexuality”. Both means two. And two means Dakota Fanning.

My question – did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” or did she tell her something similar? Or did Cherie Currie say something like that?

Sweet and pure and innocent and underage, Dakota Fanning. Did Joan Jett or Cherie Currie tell her to put her pussy on the microphone or to fuck the microphone or the amp or the speakers or what? Did they just reserve that filthy language to the old soul that is 19 year old Kristen Stewart? Was it Kristen who only heard that potty mouth talking Joan Jett talking about putting her pussy on things? Or did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to put her vaginal area on stringed instruments or the microphone as well? I would like to know. Curious minds want to know.

I think I made a reference once about Dakota Fanning being cute. She is an adorable innocent who goes to high school, is a cheerleader, was homecoming queen at her school and has done an excellent job acting in several films. I said she was cute and I remember receiving some comments calling me a sicko. Meanwhile, she is being cast as a lead singer of a band of girls that guys apparently want to fuck hard and people are now telling her to put her pussy on things. Seriously, there is a double standard being made here between myself and Joan Jett. I just said she was cute. I didn’t tell her to go fuck a guitar.

I feel like even Joan Jett and Cherie Currie know better and did not say anything of the sort to Dakota Fanning knowing that it would needlessly destroy her holy innocence. I am against drilling for oil in Alaska. I’ve never been to Alaska, but I’ve seen pictures. It looks pristine and perfect. We shouldn’t destroy it if there are plenty of places in the world we could drill for oil. Just let the polar bears and wolves and whales roam free and have their artic tundra or whatever animals are up in Alaska. Same goes for Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, I’m sure they used all their drunken sailor advice on Kristen the black sheep who with all her want is the anti-thesis for innocence for some reason. And the two rock stars refrained from ruining Dakota’s innocence by telling her to put her pussy on things and to fuck a Fender.

Also, while writing that I realized that who ever takes Dakota Fanning’s virginity with be destroying the artic circle in my opinion, apparently. Who ever that guy is, he might as well be killing the polar bears, black bears, brown bears, moose, caribou, mountain goats, bison, dall sheep, orcas, countless birds and fish, and, of course, the quiet and solitary Eskimo nation. Remember that. Who ever fucks Dakota Fanning first is killing the Eskimos. So leave Dakota Fanning alone and leave her Alaskan pussy wildlife alone. And I guess if you want to do some “drilling” grab Kristen “Detroit Rock City’s pussy” Stewart.

What a wonderful week it has been. I ended last week with a list of 60 plus year old men that I believe women of all ages would sleep with. Monday I wrote a little about the greatness of Martin Luther King Jr. Tuesday I wrote about something probably. Wednesday was something else I’m guessing. And I definitely remember writing yesterday about an amusing topic. Why is it so difficult for me to remember what I’ve written about? Oh right. Yesterday was “Tik Tok”, Wednesday was the Rorschach inkblot test and Tuesday was wrap-up of the 3 day weekend. It doesn’t seem like any time passed for you, but it was a solid couple minutes for me. My weeks feel so drawn out that it does take me a minute or two to remember what I did during them.

Today, is the regularly scheduled weekly wrap-up. You the commenters have submitted questions and I will answer several of them. So here we go:

How could you make this list and NOT include Jack Nicholson (72), the consummate ladies’ man of several generations who is also FROM NEW JERSEY? Also, Buzz Aldrin, who will be 80 on the 20th and Neil Armstrong?

Which is similar to this…

I’m curious about how you came up with this list, though. Did you find a website of old actor pictures? Or were you two girls able to come up with a list of 50 old bangable men, you know, off the top of your heads?

First and foremost, we are not “girls”. We are “ladies”. Anyway, Dawgz and I thought of the list without any help from other websites minus Wikipedia, IMDB and Google Images. Wiki/IMDB helped with finding ages and whatever these men were doing currently. Google Images helped with finding “images” – who would’ve guessed? The list started when I pointed out in the comments section that actor, knight, war hero Christopher Lee at 88 years old should still be considered a sexually viable candidate. When I got home, I mentioned this to Dawgz that women were having trouble thinking of older men who they would fuck.

Dawgz and I began discussing this while watching Cheers re-runs. And immediately, Sam Malone aka Ted Danson is over 60 and women would fuck him. At this point the magic number of 60 was decided on and we started naming 60 year old men that we believe women would still get banged by. Around the fifth guy we named, I started writing them down. Around the 14th we started debating. One of us would throw out a name and the other wouldn’t be completely sold on him. Let’s use Jack Nicholson as an example. Jack looks pretty wild nowadays, he is crazy and getting crazier, and we don’t know how much he could really sweet talk a lady anymore.

Our candidates for men over 60 years old who women would fuck needed to pass a hypothetical scenario in our heads. Could Jack Nicholson pick up chicks at a bar? Outside of the “star fucking” idea or him having money to pay for it or anything – do we think women are really actively going after Jack Nicholson? We didn’t think so. Let’s say Jack Nicholson was at a bar or a party, would he be treated more like Leonardo DiCaprio or more like Donald Trump. Is he just a celebrity people want to meet and get a facebook picture with or is some lady going to try and fuck him in the bathroom and by “some lady” I mean a large percentage of the women at the party.

That is how we were approaching it. I think women want to meet Donald and Jack and I guess Buzz and Neil – but I do not think a large percentage of the female population is trying to get a hold of their wangers. That’s just my impression. I could be wrong and if so then put them on the list. I’m completely open to putting more 60 plus year old men on the list that women would fuck. To me the list is an organic list that can certainly be added to. And as mentioned, I really don’t care if women wouldn’t make sweet passionate love to 49 of the 50 wrinkly assed men on this list – but if you are willing to do one of these 60 plus year old men then you’ve proved my point.

Also, we spent quite a lot of time debating this list. Patrick Stewart was debated. Dawgz stuck to him being too bald. Like offensively bald. And that was a detractor for him. I thought he would’ve been fine on the list. But the list needed a consensus from the two of us.

Also also, Mitt Romney. Money, successful, handsome, full head of hair, nice teeth, celebrity, not a wild conservative by any stretch – I think he could bang some chicks in a coat room or eight.

Also, also, also, there should be a lot more love for Julio Iglesias. That man is an old ass diamond in the old ass ruff. Still good looking, tan, has money, successful, stress free lifestyle, Latin obviously, and he can sing and dance. I feel like women are overlooking Julio Iglesias and I don’t care for that. No one puts Julio Iglesias in the corner! NO ONE!

Baby bjorn?

I knew what a baby bjorn was. Why? I know shit, that’s why.

Kesha? Ke$ha?

Her mother was a singer and song writer, Kesha is her real name, and Ke$ha is supposed to be a joke about her singing on “Right Round”, but not getting paid any money to do so.

What sort of plot/scenarios do you think will be in the Jersey Shore porno? Will it be a porno of folks not from NJ, who like to call themselves guidos and guidettes just doing it? Or will they re-enact certain scenarios from the actual show?

Sadly, I did not work on the Jersey Shore inspired porno in any capacity. I’m furiously sad. I’m guessing it will partially re-enact certain scenarios from the show. Clearly, they have tried to dress most of the actors to look like the characters. The guys who are playing Ronnie, Pauly D and The Situation do not look that bad. The Pauly D guy is real tan with the blowout haircut and has tattoos. The Situation has a six pack. Ronnie is a roided up dude. Vinny is a little off because the guy “Johnny Castle” is way more in shape than Vinny. The girls? One of them is clearly dressed to be Snooki. And I think Dylan Ryder is a lot hotter than all the Jersey Shore girls easily. The porn industry actually has a great sense of humor so I’m sure they’ll mimic some of the storylines from the show – hot tub, I bet Pauly D and the Situation are involved in some gang bang, Ronnie and Sammi and maybe the Situation et cetera. The Nailin’ Pailn videos were funny, so I would guess these will be as well.

I am depressed now that the Jersey Shore is over. Last night was the final episode as well as the reunion. The reunion was great with Ronnie flipping out on Sammi for something he easily had to have known about since it happened. He has emotional issues, severe emotional issues. There are rumors of both a Snooki dating show and a second season of the Jersey Shore. What I would like to see is the second season have a whole new cast. Blasphemy? No. Because I would like to see Snooki, The Situation, and Pauly D all have their own dating shows. If Ronnie and Sammi stay together then I want a Nick & Jessica like TV show for them. J-Woww – I want to see an action/adventure/mystery television series featuring her. And lastly, I would like to see Vinny do a guest spot on each of the others’ shows every week. So from the Jersey Shore, I would like to see a second season with new characters and 5 additional shows. As for the short lived Angelina – well if she started doing porn I would be cool with that. Outside of that, I really wouldn’t mind if she disappeared into the wilderness of Staten Island forever.

And the best parts of the last episode were: Sammi claiming that Ronnie getting into fights on the boardwalk was like the ongoing war in the streets of Israel (UNBELIEVABLE!), and J-Woww calling guys “gorillas” and “juiceheads” and meaning it as a compliment. I love that stupid show.

Can you graph your hairiness in relation to your’s nemesis’ hairiness?

Sure.

Well that should say – Robin Williams, me, Annoying Girl Not from NYC, and a monkey. You get it. It’s funny. Laugh a little.

Why do I not have _______ web features?

I do not know how to run a website. I never said I did. I’ll try to look up an “archive” feature or whatever. If it is even slightly difficult to do then I’m not going to attempt it. Sorry.

American fast food?

Well, I have never been to Australia, so I do not know what fast food chains you have down there to help make your fast food experience in the US more unique. I don’t like Burger King. I like McDonald’s and Wendy’s and KFC although I do try my best to never eat any of them. There is a McDonald’s in the Jersey City Newport Mall which I’ve found myself at more times than I would like late at night when coming back from New York City. Good fast food places? Most unique and good fast food places I can think of are in Los Angeles like In N Out Burger as mentioned in the great Big Lebowski movie which I do love. I’m guessing NY has to have a Five Guys burger place. They’re sprouting up all over Jersey. Besides sounding like a porn title, they do have good burgers. I feel like if you’re in NYC you shouldn’t be hitting up fast food places and should just go straight to hole in the wall restaurants.

I’d suggest getting pizza. New York and New Jersey have about the best pizza you can find, so I would make sure to get a lot of that over the next few months. Bagels are a must as well. Go to any one of the many Gray’s Papayas in NYC for a hot dog or three. There is great Chinese food in NYC, so go for that. New York City has a billion restaurants and fast food may be cheaper, but there are some great cheap restaurants in the city preparing any sort of food. There are almost too many places in New York City to eat that I don’t really know where to point you to. But I need to make at least one suggestion. The Olive Tree Café in Greenwich Village is a nice restaurant and it also has The Comedy Cellar downstairs where a lot of great comedians do stand-up. So that’s a suggestion.

Parenting questions for KSWI Jordan

I saw a parenting question thrown into the mix. I like this because I don’t have kids nor do I have any experience in raising children in the least. I’ve never really ever baby sat and I’m the youngest in my family so I didn’t have a little brother or sister to torture errr raise. I think I would like to have kids in the future (distant future) and I hope I treat them as I treat foreigners who don’t speak English well – I will treat them like adults who may shatter if bumped into a wall. I will talk loud and slowly and usually act out my dialogue to them as I talk, but never hinder my own vocabulary that they clearly do not understand. Also I’ll dress my children in t-shirts that I wish I wasn’t so cynical about to wear. Meaning they will be dressed almost at all times in band t-shirts from the 80’s like The Smiths, The Pixies, Black Flag and Minor Threat.

Ladies? Half a dozen years from now? Deal? Also I get to pick what movies the kid watches. And he’s learning the guitar. And he is going to at least be a field goal kicker in the NFL.  

Where is the decent music?

There is decent music everywhere… except on MTV. No one should ever look to commercial radio or television to help them with expanding their music collection. Even in the golden days of MTV, they played more shit than good music. We like to trick ourselves into thinking at one point it was all Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, and Soundgarden, but it wasn’t. Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson were also huge during those periods of time. Seriously, there was a time when Weird Al Yankovic was on TV all the time for years during the 90’s. Cherry Popping Daddies probably got more airplay in 1997 and ’98 than most good bands.

There will always be bad pop music outweighing any great music out there in the world. And this LIE, this COMPLETE MYTH, that people in the 60’s and 70’s all sat around listening to The Rolling Stones together and everyone could recite the lyrics to every Bob Dylan b-side, well it is a LIE. That was never the case. There has never been a time period in history where only good music existed and bad music wasn’t played on the radio just as often if not more often than any good music that sneaked through. Rolling Stone magazine tries to pretend like they know music or they were on the cusp of knowing good music always, but they haven’t been. In retrospect, more people now understand what good music happened in the 60’s and 70’s than the people who lived in the 60’s and 70’s did when it was happening.

Same will be said of this time and age. For Christ’s sake people are putting “Crazy in Love” by Beyonce is in the top 5 best songs of last decade! People have no critical analysis of current times. There is amazing music everywhere. This past year, I believe The Flaming Lips released their best album to date, which is saying a lot considering they have been making excellent albums for a number of years and that number to me is 11 with their 1999 album Soft Bulletin. Also, Animal Collective released a hugely acclaimed and successful album. And Pearl Jam released a great album, which was seemingly a shock to everyone including myself. Phoenix’s album from last year was probably my second favorite album behind The Flaming Lips’. As for other great albums from last year, I really loved the Japandroids, Bat for Lashes, and Bear in Heaven. And Wilco even slapped together a better than decent album for free last year. And there are definitely others.

I don’t think Pitchfork is the end all, but they are about as close as one can be. If you’re looking for good music then they are pretty great. They will at least give you the names of the albums and now that they are synched with the website La La one can listen to the album streaming over the internet for free and make their own decision. Pitchfork does most genres of music well minus really aggressive music like hardcore and metal. They also suck at rap music as well. But that’s the one exception to the thought that there is no good music out there.

THERE IS NO GOOD REAL RAP MUSIC!

It is disturbing I know, but the one genre of music that has fallen by the wayside is rap music. Rap/hip-hop has turned into pop music. Rap music nowadays is nothing more than pop music with rappers in it. There are a couple rap albums that come out of every year that are good, but that 1% of the CDs that are released that is good is being suffocated to death by the 99% of rap music that is just pure commercial club music. I’m not saying I don’t find Jay Z’s “New York, New York” or whatever single with Alicia Keys catchy, but it is not rap music. That is pop music. Rap music was at one time more about rapping than about a catchy beat to dance to and a songbird chorus that repeats every 5 seconds.

I have nothing against some of the “rap” artists out there who make good listenable music, but for the most part they are just pop acts. Rap was supposed to be grimy. Rap was supposed to be the black equivalent of punk music. It was a DYI genre where people were expressing their anger. Nowadays, even the angry rap songs are happy or at least upbeat. I do like T.I., Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Lil’ Wayne et cetera, but if I were to name my favorite “rappers” of all time – I wouldn’t name any of them. I do think Kanye’s first album is tremendous though and regardless of the other bullshit he’s done, that album is great. Anyway, rap music has lost its teeth and learned to dance. They’ve become lovers and not fighters. It would be more palatable if it wasn’t the case for by far the majority of them. …

This year – Spoon, Broken Social Scene, Radiohead are all scheduled to come out with albums. You want good music – they are good music. And maybe Jack White will slap something together as well.

How will the recent revelation of John Edwards’ fathering his mistress’s child change the future Democratic landscape?

I doubt it will do anything. I don’t think anyone cares about John Edwards anymore.

Questions? Have you seen that Philip Seymour Hoffman movie which seems to be about him dying, and taking 2 decades to put on a musical? Wtf is that movie about? I am baffled.

Synecdoche. No I have not seen it. It is on my Netflix list. Mysteriously it keeps getting skipped and getting pushed down the list. The mystery is my hands clicking the mouse to make that happen. I will eventually see it. I like Charlie Kauffman a lot as well as PSH, but I heard the movie is so-so and depressing. So I haven’t been dying to see it yet.

Hmmmmmm………… well have a great weekend everyone. I am eagerly waiting for Sunday as if it was Christmas. I want to watch these football games so bad.  

A friend just sent me this –

“Manning is so classy that whenever an NFL legend retires, he sends the player a handwritten letter describing what he meant to the game. Last year he had Favre’s note written but never sent it.” – Adam Schefter ESPN

I love football so much I may have just cried a little reading that quote.

%d bloggers like this: