This Week in Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Really?

January 8, 2010

Today is one of those days when I wish this computer had Photoshop. If I’m wishing for Photoshop I should also make sure to wish for better Photoshop skills than I currently have. I’m not bad with Photoshop actually or I should say I “wasn’t” bad with it. I have not really had the chance to use Photoshop in years and I am definitely out of practice. Ok, I wish for the latest version of Photoshop to be installed on this computer and I wish that I was really good at using it. And while I’m wishing for things to happen at my job, I wish for a raise. Like such a big raise I’ll feel the need to buy a boat. You know those people? I have so much money that I don’t know what to do with it, so I’ll try and conquer the high seas! Better yet, how about some Hi-C or singing a high “C” or how about we just head out onto the seas high?

I’m wishing for more wishes. First, money. So much of it. I wouldn’t be ridiculously selfish and everything. I would certainly by myself a ton of stuff though. New car, new couch (mine is beat to shit), one of those Star Wars inspired zip-up hoodies from Ecko most likely the X-Wing fighter pilot flight suit one and I would stop showing up to work. I would also pay to get a ton more of those wells installed in Africa like Bill Clinton and Laura Bush. Those seemed like great ideas. I have no clue if they were or even if they are still used, but they sounded genius. I hope they are working currently.

I’m a good guy. Sure I wished for a stupid amount of money which sounds selfish. I mean the number would be so stupid, like ridiculously stupid. But what have I spent on myself? Maybe at most 40 grand. I don’t want a Porsche, probably just a new version of my current car. Couches are not too expensive and then that hoodie is like $100. So even with the worst estimate – I’m at $50,000 and that is definitely the worst estimate because a new version of my car is not $48,000. Meanwhile, I’m spending MILLIONS on some Africans I’ll never meet. Those wells cost a lot more than an orange hooded sweatshirt with the Rebel Alliance insignia on it. Or at least I’m guessing so.

I would also wish that it wasn’t 11 am as I start to write this post. But what can you do? So we’ll see how this goes with the lack of Photoshop or said skills to properly use it. Are we having fun yet!?!

Females of the World Wide Web write: “Could Kristen Stewart have killed Tsutomu Yamaguchi with her ‘want’? Follow-up, if Kristen Stewart was alive during World War II, could Kristen Stewart have killed all of the Japanese with her ‘want’?”

HOLY FUCKING MOTHERFUCK BALLS! What!?! What the hell is wrong with you people? Jesus Christ! I mean what? Seriously? Seriously, these are the questions you want answers to? You are some sick disturbed individuals. Why would America’s Sweetheart, Kristen Stewart, want to kill an elderly Japanese man who survived two atomic bomb explosions? And “follow-up”, if she was born half a century earlier why would she want to kill all the Japanese? What is the sense in that!?! Where would be get our sushi from? Where would I get my Playstation 3 from? Where would we get those crazy reality shows like “Hole in the Wall”?

Am I to blame for this blood lust? I write a tribute about a lovely old man who lived a wonderful life after surviving two of the most horrific moments in human history and the only thing my readers can think of is “Kristen Stewart could’ve killed him”. WTF? This is my legacy: depraved women calling for the head of a Japanese national treasure by the hands of a 19 year old Hollywood starlet. Everything is just changing so fast in 2010 and it appears to be for the worst.

At one time this blog created happiness. At one time this blog spoke of ice cream, the never ending merits of busty cleavage pictures, the unparalleled glory of 80’s movies and music, and the warmth we as a human nation feels when we see Kristen Stewart wanting it. Now this blog contemplates hypothetical murder of geriatrics. When Lord? When did this happen? And more importantly why? Why has this happened? I feel like Job out there being stripped of all his Earthly possessions like his family’s boat, his Segway personal transport scooter, his magical sword, and, of course, his dearest friend Franklin. Hmmmm… that doesn’t sound, right. I’m mixing up Job from the Bible and Gob from Arrested Development. Well, I feel like someone, right? Someone whose fan base wants to see the Japanese perish under the supernatural power of Kristen Stewart.

Clearly I cannot stop this roller coaster of murder. If I had any power to control this carnival ride of homicide then it would have never reached this point. If I had any say in the matter my weekly questions from you the commenters would read, “Do you want me to send you pictures of myself dressed as Wonder Woman or Supergirl?”, “Is it ok if the video of my friends and I having a bikini tickle fight is in .flv format?”, and “Are you really still infatuated with seeing two girls kiss?” And my answers would be “Both”, “Of course, it is. Flv players are easy enough to download for free” and “I love it so much that I wish pictures of two girls kissing was on our currency.” And I’ll pay that with my $10 bill here that has a picture of Tiffani Amber Thiessen (She’ll always be “Amber Thiessen” to me) kissing Jamie Pressley on the short lived Fox TV show Fastlane where dull and boring Alexander Hamilton used to be.

Instead, I have “How quickly would Kristen Stewart chop that old man’s head off with her laser beam want eyes!?!?!?!?!?! AHAHAHAH I WANT BLOOD! I WANT THEM ALL DEAD BY HER HANDS!!!! AHAHAHAH” It’s just a lot more depressing than the questions about picture sets of you all in slutty superhero outfits. Do you see that? Well, anyway.

Are we talking about Kristen Stewart killing Tsutomu Yamaguchi before or after the A-bombs? Really, I believe it lies in timing. When is Kristen Stewart killing Tsutomu Yamaguchi in your warped brains? If Kristen Stewart existed at anytime prior to August 6th, 1945 at 8:15 am then I believe she would have easily killed Tsutomu Yamaguchi. I think that should be perfectly obvious from reading yesterday’s post and USING YOUR BRAINS.

Tsutomu Yamaguchi was an ordinary man before the atomic blast of Hiroshima and the subsequent radiation. Peter Parker was an ordinary man before the radioactive spider bit him. Matt Murdock was an ordinary man before the radioactive isotopes blind him after falling out of an oncoming vehicle. Paul Kersey was an ordinary man who worked as an architect before muggers sexually assaulted and killed his wife and daughter which led him to become an unstoppable over-the-hill terminator who stalks the streets of New York City killing the scum that lurk in the shadows in the tastefully shot Death Wish series starring Charles “The Man” Bronson. These men were changed from mere mortal men to having super powers from some incident or another. If Kristen Stewart got her vice like want grip on them prior to their metaphorsisesesesesi then she would easily kill all of them. But that’s not the point, right?

Tsutomu Yamaguchi only had super powers for 3 days. A mere 72 hour window was opened and then immediately crushed to smithereens by a second and bigger atomic bomb. From August 6th to August 9th, Tsutomu Yamaguchi had some form of super powers. After the initial blast of radiation from Hiroshima, Tsutomu the Salamander (unofficial nickname) gained seemingly regenerative powers as well as an ability to absorb severe punishment like The Hulk and/or Superman. This was all discussed yesterday. Unfortunately for Tsutomu, he was also in the second atomic bombing attack of Japan, planet, universe, history, life itself.

On August 9th, 1945, Tsutomu Yamaguchi used all of his super powers to survive the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan. This is all clear and obvious science. Science like from books. Several superheroes over the years have lost their powers for either a temporary period of time or indefinitely. During those moments where they are transported back to the fragility of an average carbon based life form, Kristen Stewart would fuck them up. Tsutomu was just a man after surviving the second bombing and if Kristen Stewart went mad and attempted to murder him with her heat wall of want then she would have been successful.

The only period of time when Kristen Stewart would have experienced difficulty in committing premeditated murder of Tsutomu Yamaguchi would have been between the days of August 6th and August 9th, 1945. The $10,000 question is, would she have been able to do it? “It” being kill an old likeable man who never did anything to hurt anyone and in fact to much the opposite and tried to help people seemingly his entire life even after the human race wronged him in twice in the most grievous of possible scenarios. So, what’s the answer?

I believe this is a case of experience winning out. That is an incredibly brief opportunity for Tsutomu Yamaguchi to have mastered his super powers. It is legitimately unfair to have expected him to be able to do battle with such a formidable opponent as a time traveling Kristen Stewart. She would have to be a time traveler and not just simply born in the 1920’s. Kristen Stewart was born with her gift, but her ability to harness its full potential has been shaped by her own time and era. So for this superfight to actual take place, someone (I’m not naming names) would have to step up and make a fucking time machine already. I mean it’s about time.

Generally speaking, no fighters win on short notice. One truly needs to be mentally and physically prepared for a fight or they will undoubtedly not be able to live up to their potential. Look at the drastic difference between a fully prepared Spencer “The King” Fisher in his rematch with Sam “Hands of Stone” Stout in comparison to their first match which Spencer took on short notice. Spencer had no cardio and this ended up costing him in the later minutes of the fight.

Besides general preparedness, lack of experience in life and death super power battles would also come into play for Tsutomu Yamaguchi. Another rematch, Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir. In their first meeting, Brock was making his UFC debut and it was only the second time he had fought in a professional MMA fight at all. Even with a size, strength and speed advantage, Brock could not secure the victory because of lack of experience that would have innately told him to keep his composure and not stand in Frank Mir’s open guard just waiting for Frank to make the first move. Frank being the dangerous submission specialist he is plus his veteran knowledge that the momentum of a fight can be changed in a split second, waited for his opportunity and seized it. In their rematch, Brock was entering the octagon for his 4th time in 17 months and he was not going to make anymore rookie mistakes. He triumphantly defeated Frank Mir in the one sided 2nd round TKO victory.

In conclusion, Kristen Stewart would hit Tsutomu Yamaguchi with a concentrated blast from her want cannon. This would wear down on Tsutomu’s regenerative power. All the instant regeneration would begin to slow and he would tire. Kristen would switch gears and pepper Tsutomu with her want lip biting tomahawk missiles. The speed, accuracy and multitude of shots would hinder Tsutomu from firing any counter attack of his own. This would all come to an end as Kristen prepared for a swift and clean victory with an over the shoulder, corner of the eye, look at my ass, and my mouth is partially open bombardment that would crush Tsutomu like in all intent and purpose either A-Bomb should have.

Now, could Kristen Stewart have killed all of Japan? Yeah. Could she have won them over with peace? Yeah. I’ve detailed how I believe Kristen should be used in our current Iraq/Afghanistan situation – deploy Kristen to stare into the eyes of all the individuals in the Middle East and each will follow her like the Golden Calf God she is and will turn to her for all societal decisions instead of whatever democratically elected government or oligarchy or totalitarian dictatorship is in place.

As for beaming the Kristen Stewart’s want from space to Earth? I think it would be more appropriate to simply teach Kristen Stewart how to use the sacred Sharingan technique of “Moon’s Eye”. Much like Madara Uchiha’s plan of projecting his hypnotizing eye to appear on the Moon for everyone to stare into and then follow everything he says to allow for no more war – Kristen Stewart could do the same. And it would be much prettier.

Have a good weekend. You cock teases.

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27 Responses to “This Week in Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Really?”

  1. Crystal said

    COCKTEASE!

    I am just dumbfounded with the amount of effort and words you put into explaining things. I wonder if you were trying to get someone into bed if you’d be that “wordy”. Do you have standard lines you use or do you just spout off knowledge until the girl rips her shirt open and jumps on you?

    PS: I think you should do a Jackson Rathbone post. That motherfucker WANTS it. I went to a 100 Monkeys concert the other night and I was watching make eyes at his band mates (who are all male, BTW) and I suddenly shouted “HE WANTS IT!!” and my friend laughed and since I was right in front of Jackson he looked at me like I was crazy. I just rolled my eyes at his want and said, “Now it all makes sense.” You should seriously google that bastard, he is ALWAYS starting right into the paparazzi cameras with this look of want.

    PPS:It’s fucking cold.

  2. Crystal said

    Ugh. I was watching HIM make eyes at his band mates. And, he is always STARING right into the paparazzi cameras.

    I suck.

  3. tiffanized said

    Firstly, I said that James Cameron killed Tsutomu Yamaguchi. I didn’t specify how, but I was thinking Cameron inserted a large needle and removed Yamaguchi’s life essence, much like Dr. Evil removed Austin Powers’ mojo.

    Secondly, I don’t think Kristen Stewart would want to kill Tsutomu Yamaguchi with her want. This sounds unreasonable, as it involves Kristen Stewart not wanting something, but I think that if she were to kill Tsutomu Yamaguchi with her want, it would be due to poorly aimed want and not intent to kill him. Like she is in Japan, we’re going to assume modern day Japan, since Hello Kitty and Sugar Ray Leonard are involved and the time machine You-Know-Who was supposed to invent is too small to fit all of them. She and Sugar Ray are in Japan obliterating diabetes. Kristen looks up from wanting the giant scissors, when she sees the flagship Tokyo Sanrio store. At that exact moment, Tsutomu Yamaguchi is hobbling past with his pimp cane, on his way to buy one of those tall, refreshing fruit drinks from the vendor in the lower right. Three things happen:

    Kristen, seeing that giant white kitty head: I want it.
    Yamaguchi: Motherfucker!
    Sugar Ray: Hey, don’t you think it’s weird that my name is Sugar and I oppose diabetes?

    So Kristen Stewart is just doing what Kristen Stewart does–wanting it. She doesn’t want Yamaguchi dead. You’d have to be a cold bastard like James Cameron to want him dead. Yamaguchi, whose superpowers JordAn has already established are no longer in evidence post-1945, would be taken out by the 27-megaton weapon that is Kristen Stewart’s want.

    Thirdly, I feel like the universe is telling me to spend my weekend watching the entire Arrested Development series. I base this on JordAn’s G.O.B. reference, an texted photograph I received that may or may not be balls, and the fact that I just had pesto for the first time today–imagine that, 33 years old and I never tried pesto.

    Fourthly, in the event that “Joe” is reading again today, this is not the place for gentle and friendly. We’re sharpened to a point around here and only get sappy when JordAn deigns to unload some affection on us*. In real life we may oppose atomic weapons, may be in complete awe of Tsutomu Yamaguchi’s life story, and may wish we could have at some point held his hand, but at KSWI we take no prisoners. Especially on Aggressive Thursdays.

    I’m betting you’re sorry you asked for longer comments, aren’t you JordAn? If you’ll excuse me, I have some cocks to tease.

  4. PWG said

    I’m fixating on the giant scissors. That picture is the only explanation you needed to post today. If Kristen can want some huge ass juvenile diabetes ribbon cutting scissors that hard, she can do anything. ANYthing. Sugar Ray’s all ready to cut . . . something, I guess . . . and then Kristen walks up and gently caresses them and says “I want these” with her eyes and hand. I think we know what happened after that.

  5. I have an important question for my fellow lady common taters: Why do we read this blog if our beloved Jordan is just going to call us things like “depraved” and “cockteases” and demand sexy pictures and complain about our comments being too short or not nice enough? I’m beginning to think this “relationship” may not be healthy… There’s a whole lot of antagonizing going on from both sides. This sexual tension is oppressive.

    I have a picture of myself with a man dressed as Supergirl… does that count?

    I find it funny how much guys like the idea of two girls kissing. It doesn’t work both ways, though – two guys kissing doesn’t really do it for most girls. One of the few things I (barely) remember about NYE was my friend telling me she wouldn’t make out with me. I asked her about it, asked her if she really said that to me. She said she did. Insert awkward pause followed by me slowly asking “did I … ask you to?” Nope. Our new German friends (two dudes) asked us if we would. WHAT IS WITH YOU MEN?

    Thanks for the AD reference. It may have made my afternoon.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      I need advice from the ladies…

      Which lasts longer? A whipped cream bikini or one made out of fruit roll-ups? Which do you think photographs better?

      • tiffanized said

        Whipped cream wilts quickly. Also, I would suggest laying down for the duration of all events, as it tends to obey gravity in the most annoying of ways and is no fun to scrub out of the berber the next day. Cool Whip has better stamina but may cause chafing.

        I’ve never tried fruit roll up attire, but I imagine it will leave a sticky residue that will attract all manner of lint, fuzz and animal hair. Of course, if you’re just photographing it and not engaging in post-fruit-roll-up-bikini activities, this may not be an issue. Might I suggest fashioning an outfit like Milla Jovovich’s from The Fifth Element out of Fruit by the Foot?

        Also, naked has yet to fail me.

      • PWG said

        I think if you really want to get your point across you make it out of melted candle wax drips. I’ve said too much.

      • MLF said

        I find fruit roll-up body art delightful. (I keep mine in the freezer which fyi makes it less sticky if you are so inclined to be wearing it) Delicious and much easier to manipulate than whipped cream. Also nobody gets excited about eating plain whipped cream- fruit roll ups on the other hand? Exactly. Who doesn’t love fucking fruit rollups?!

    • MLF said

      You raise a good point HB. I don’t really have a good answer other than that we just do. And also that I find sexual tension quite enjoyable, but then again I am a “depraved cocktease”

      I will also admit to liking the idea of two guys making out, but it depends on the guys. For example- Heath and Jake making out in Brokeback did nothing for me. I have yet to determine what it is what makes it good versus bad but I’ll keep everyone informed if I figure it out.

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    I totally watched Fastlane. Wanna know why? It wasn’t the chicks kissing. I don’t remember that part at all. Do you know who provided the hot guy factor on Fastlane? Why it was none other than Dr. Carlisle Cullen… uh, I mean, PFach himself! And when he walked through the ER doors in “that vampire movie” the first time I saw it on 3.21.09, I was like “Hey, it’s that hot guy from that show with the fast cars.” I hadn’t seen him in anything else since Fastlane. And here we are. Weird.

    3.21.09 was a life changing day for me. It is also where the tale of “How I fell for Rob Pattinson and subsequently KSWI Jordan” begins…

  7. campbelld said

    Pathetic, people. I was not here yesterday, but if I had been I would have shown a little more respect. Jordan calls us out on the evil, souless, cashew enjoying monsters that we are and do I see one ounce of shame? One hanged head?
    No. Just jokes about Diabetes and no links to chicks kissing.

    Like that. That is how you apoliguise people, god dammit! That is Heroes Hayden Panettiere and guest star Madeline Zima kissing. Thats how I roll. I feel slightly responsible for others calling for an old mans death at the hands of a young starlet so I help out with pictures of chicks kissing. I’m just saying maybe people do not know how to say sorry in the corrrect way and I am helping out by fixing that problem.

    • Ah, you’re a saint, Campbell, for stepping up. I would apologize but I don’t feel remotely responsible for that insanity. Now, if people were making jokes about stalking a certain young gentleman in Jersey City or something, then I might feel a little guilty… But I don’t apologize for things that I’m pretty sure all parties would enjoy. And I don’t apologize for liking nuts. You know, cashews? You started it.

      • campbelld said

        That is only slightly the inuendo I intended.
        Inuendo? In-Your Endo. Bam. Thankyou, The Todd.

  8. Lala said

    I don’t have Wonder Woman or Supergirl costumes

  9. So this is completely off topic (surprise!), but I have a question: I know you’re tall and all, but do you think that you could squeeze into a women’s XL unitard?

    I’m just planning ahead to your birthday, and based on how much you loved the Christmas Snuggie, I figured I might get you a Snuggle Suit. I do recall you mentioning your birthday was in the summer, so the timing may not be ideal… But I also remember you saying that you like to crank the air conditioning, so maybe you could get some use out of it after all. I’ll also need your address. For mailing purposes, of course.

    • Crystal said

      Jordan’s birthday is June 15, 1983. Exactly one month before mine. ❤

      O….kay…..ignore that little heart.

    • campbelld said

      Jordan is trying to stay off the grid, so he doesn’t have a mailing a adress, just a series of parkbenches where his contacts tape packages to the underside* and mark a nearby tree/building with white chalk to let him know the drop has been made.

  10. Freya said

    Clit flicker! (Hey, you called us cockteases first!)

    I don’t have costumes. Just pictures of my rack. (Which coincidentally is my Jersey Shore nickname: The Rack.)

  11. MLF said

    I don’t have time to write a really indepth comment but hilarious as usual and I would also like to point out that like HB, I take no responsibility for everybody calling for poor Tomstu tomagatchi’s death by way of Kristen’s want as I suggested the Kstew Peace Ray for the puppy and bunnysplosion. I also may or may not have a picture of two drunk yet still classy girls kissing and one of them may or may not be me.

    Hey- I’m just earning my cocktease title, after all.

    I’m off to see New Moon. Again. With a BOY who infact asked ME to go see the movie with HIM. It wasn’t even my idea! Amazing. I feel like I’m about to go out with a mythical creature.

    • campbelld said

      The fastest way to a girls heart (or pants) is through her Twlight film.
      Would say something really dirty here, but I dont have the guts. HB? Tiff? (it involves Taylor Lautner/R-Pattz with his shirt off (EG-90% of the film and the word’halfway’.)
      Remember, my Jersey Shore nickname issss ‘The Insinuition’.

      • MLF said

        So he actually liked the movie. I am slightly shocked. I am 99.99% certain that he was not just saying that- A: he is not trying to get into my pants. No he isn’t gay but trust me on this one. B: he laughed at all the appropriate places and was very into the werewolves (when they were actual wolves, not when they were humans randomly busting out of their clothes or walking around naked. He really is strait- I promise)

        and in terms of the fastest way into a girls heart er, pants- Twilight is not it, for me anyway. I prefer flowers, chocolate. CANNOLI. I would strait up marry a guy who showed up on my doorstep with cannolis. People always say the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and yet they think it’s not the same for girls. Ridiculous.

        Also I didn’t plan on admitting to this but I did take that Jersey Shore name thing and it gave me The Incident. I don’t know what to make of that other than that the nickname generator must have been somehow able to see my tagged photos.

  12. amanda said

    i just listened to maggot brains (alternative mix) by funkadelic.
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!
    listen to that song and you will understand.
    i dont think your into that classic rock guitar shredding genius. but holy fdjkls;jajfds. please listen.

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