It has taken nearly 10,000 days on Earth for someone to figure out…

January 11, 2010

I am a racist. Or, I’m racist.

It has been 26 and a half years that I have roamed this planet under the guise of not being a racist. Finally, at 2am on the F train, heading from 2nd to 14th, a man saw through this charade. He called me a racist. Actually, he insinuated that I hold racist beliefs. I feel like I can finally breathe! This weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you, sir! Thank you, you terribly wise man who believes I “the number one proponent of Taye Diggs being arguably the most widely accepted sexual partner for straight women and gay men alike” am a racist. Whew, I’m glad someone figured this out.

At 2am, I and friends just barely made the F train to take us a few stops north on 14th to then grab the PATH back to holiest sanctuary I know, New Jersey. On the train was your typical motley crew of way past midnight and drunken passengers all trying to get home. Right by the door were two men. One was a young white kid who looked pretty attached to the punk fashion ethos of the late 70’s and early 80’s. Talking to him was a late 30’s, early 40’s black man. Their conversation was odd. The black guy was saying he thought the white kid looked like Steve McQueen. He didn’t. The black guy was drunk and so was the white kid, so he didn’t seem to notice how much he didn’t look like Steve McQueen. But keep that in mind though, the reference of Steve McQueen.

And I see the typo in the below, but I’m not redoing it.

The black guy was dressed in a suit. He was wearing a silver suit with a tie (purple?), leather shoes, a camel colored ¾ length London fog jacket, a scarf, and a driver hat. Needless to say he looked elegant. He looked out of place. If we were at a jazz bar or we were extras in the movie The Cotton Club then he would have looked completely “in place” and I would have looked completely “out of place”. He was older, he was dressed older and he was making Steve McQueen references. All great, but just random.

He turned his attention to me. Now, as mentioned the young white kid in leather jacket, knit cap, ripped jeans, acne, with a wallet chain did not look anything like Steve McQueen. The star of Bullitt and the F train kid both had arms, legs, Caucasian et cetera, but apart from that they did not appear to resemble each other in the slightest. Regardless, that is a great compliment. I do not look like Steve McQueen either, the man recognized this – instead he thought I should have played linebacker for the professional tackle football former Super Bowl winning franchise the New York Football Giants.

I’m a big guy. This is not the first time someone has made a reference to me and football. Usually, I get “offensive line”. I buy that. I did play some football and I did play offensive line. I’m a big white guy with tattoos who more often than not is not clean shaven and in that myself and many offensive linemen are similar. I am nothing like a linebacker. Oh I pray every night that I will wake up jacked with muscles, have a 4.5 40 yard dash, a good vertical leap and a crazy eyed stare that would make most people shit bricks. So, again this well dressed black man who appeared to be all by himself was either real drunk, has naturally bad vision, thought we were operating on an “opposite day” schedule on that F train and/or was a nice man who felt like handing out much much much undeserved compliments. Either way, I thanked him for the compliment, just like a racist would do.

When the train reached the next stop, “Not-Steve McQueen” got off the train. Out of nowhere a white guy around my age took the black guy by the arms and pulled him off the train. It wasn’t violent or anything, but the black guy didn’t seem like he was planning on getting off the train and this white guy who had not said anything to anyone especially said black guy just comes out of nowhere and physically removed the man from the train. On the platform, the white guy proceeds to flippantly say a few things that I could not hear to the black guy and then without a good bye or a handshake or a hug or any gesture whatsoever – the white guy gets back on the train sans black guy.

My friends and I started to laugh. It seemed quite peculiar. I think for everyone standing around it appeared like the really drunk white guy felt the drunk black guy had had enough fun riding and randomly giving out compliments and now he needed to start life anew at the Lafayette-Broadway stop in New York City. It was just odd. They had not spoken or even gestured towards one another. Also, there appeared to be no kind words or friendly parting words. So it was odd and in odd there is laughter. We laughed.

Once our white compatriot re-entered the F train, he noticed me in particular laughing – I was physically the closest to him. He asks “what’s so funny?” And I replied what he just did seemed funny because it didn’t seem like that guy was ready to leave. And he responds “You think it’s weird that a white guy could be friends with a black guy.” Yep. You got me. You nailed me good on that one buddy. Yep, that was exactly it. I’m glad someone finally noticed.

A few things –

1. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy for thinking he is the first white guy in the history of white guys to have a black guy friend in the 26 years of my life. Fuck that guy with a rusty spoon. Fuck that guy with an AIDS syringe. Fuck that guy with a poster board cutout of Jerry Falwell. Fuck that guy with a poster board cutout of Michael Cera in Youth in Revolt. Fuck him with the full size Michael Cera cardboard cutout as Nick Twisp and then fuck him with the full size cutout of Michael Cera dressed as Francois Dillinger. Fuck that guy.

2. What fucking city was that subway ride in? Was there a Confederate flag on the wall? Were we even south of the Mason-Dixon line? No and no. We were in NEW YORK CITY. And in New York City, I’m not comfortable with black guys and white guys interacting? Is that the case? I’m not saying there is no racism in New York City, but there isn’t that racism. I wouldn’t have laughed or giggled seeing a white guy and a black guy interact if I was racist in New York City. I would just have swallowed that hate and continued to let it build until I got home and I beat my wife and children. Because you can’t survive in New York City just being openly racist and sharing that with everyone all the time. You wouldn’t be able to make it through your day. Do you know how much energy you would spend everytime you rode on a subway and saw people from any other race interacting with a white person and you needed to flip out? You would need a nap by 8am!

3. And what year is this again? 1952? Sure we served with them in World War 2, but it sure as hell doesn’t mean we need to socialize with’em!

4. Do I find it weird for black men and white men to be friends? No. Men of all races should be able to easily get along or at least be pretty cordial. Pretty much all men, regardless of religion or race, can talk sports. Every country has sports and men can find common ground talking about them. Just look at Dhani Jones and his Travel channel show Dhani Tackles the Globe. Those people end up falling in love with Dhani at the end of those episodes. And if we’re not talking about sports – the perils of going out to get laid can also be talked about. I know there are homophobes out there and they might not want to talk graphically about sex with gay men, but men understand other men having to get dressed up and smell nice and buy drinks for whoever attracts your eye at the bar, sound interesting in conversation, be witty and so forth all as one big rouse to sleep with someone. There is a lot of common ground being shared in that department as well. Anyway, men can get along unless they are fist fighting each other or shooting each other with guns because guys don’t have a hidden agenda. Women have hidden agendas and thus “bitches hatin’ bitches” occurs.

5. Do I find it weird for THAT black guy and THAT white guy to be friends? YES! If I had to guess what that white guy did currently in life, I would guess “unemployed”. If I had to guess what that black guy did currently and for the past 30 years of his life, I would guess “Gregory Hines impersonator”. Despite the at least decade age disparity between the two, there are also appeared to be a great “hygiene” disparity. Where as the white guy would have been perfectly suitable to play “guy who vomits on himself” in the background of the next American Pie straight-to-DVD sequel. The black guy would have been perfectly suitable to play a stand-up bassist in a Miles Davis biopic So, yes I find it weird that those two were “friends”.

6. Physically removing someone from a subway train at 2am without a goodbye or any previous interaction does not scream BFFF – best fucking friends forever. The friends I was with that night live in Hoboken and I in New Jeru. When the PATH reached the Hoboken stop, I and my friends said our goodbyes with each giving a hug goodbye and saying words like “it was so good to see you because we are friends and I hope to see you soon, goodbye”. That is generally the goodbye a friend gives. Not so much suddenly appearing from the shadows and dragging them off the train and then jumping back inside the train right before the doors close. That might be how Batman says goodbye, but not the average person.

So whatever, I’m racist. You would know best, drunken buffoon F train rider.

As far as the rest of my weekend, cross burning on Friday night and a “White Pride” rally much of Saturday. Sunday was relegated to knitting myself a new pair of Swastika socks and, of course, FOOTBALL! White power.

Football was entertaining this weekend, despite what some may tell you. A lot of people out there are trying to peg the Bengals/Jets game as boring or underwhelming. It was a decent game, what was the most entertaining moments was Shayne Graham muffing two field goal attempts. I don’t necessarily condone harassment, but if the city of Cincinnati does not at the very least toilet paper Shayne Graham’s house and saran wrap his car then I think they need to really check their fandom cards. The dude pretty much single handedly screwed up your second playoff appearance in about 20 years. The “Who Dey” Bengals do not get many chance is the playoffs and the kicker goes and fucks it up. They should’ve had Esteban Ochocinco kicking those field goals, he’s better than Shayne Graham any day of the week.

The Eagles/Cowboys game was pretty unappealing. I dislike the Cowboys and the Eagles played like garbage.

Ravens and Patriots game was amazing for any and all who did not live in the New England area. The Patriots are far from a national team and I would say they are more or less hated outside of the greater Boston-area. Meanwhile, I do like the Ravens a lot. I am black and gold Steelers, but the Ravens defense is just too damn charming to not love them. Ray “The Struggle” Lewis is in my top 5 favorite players in football and has been for 14 years now. I love Ed Reed as well. Also, Ravens’ runner retro-Rutgers’ “Ruh-Roh” Ray Rice rushing ridiculously right… rdown rthe Rpatriots’ rfucking rthroat ron rthe rfirst rplay rof rthe rgame rwas ramazing!

Lastly, Packers/Cardinals was the game to end all games. 51-45? Amazing. When Neil Rackers missed the game winning field goal!?! Oh man. I just started yelling “Bonus ball”. Packers fans need to give a ton of credit to Aaron Rodgers for digging them out of a 31-10 hole in the second half. And the game didn’t end 34-31. Both teams went on to score two, TWO, more touchdowns. Kurt “Hall of Fame worthy” Warner drives the Cards down the field for a completely make-able field goal which MISSES! OVER TIME! Unbelievable. The Packers get the ball to start and the first play of the OT is almost a 80 yard touchdown from Rodgers to Jennings, but… but … but… Rodgers overthrows Greg by a yard.

Two plays later and Michael “I suck and I have been picked on all game by Aaron Rodgers because I can’t cover any one of these receivers” Adams strip sacks Rodgers and Dansby picks up the fumble and takes it into the endzone for a touchdown. The Cardinals have a good defense. But this defense had yet to stop Aaron in the second half. Not only that, but the guy, Michael Adams, who makes the defensive play of the day was easily making the worst defensive plays of the day throughout the other 60 minutes of game time. I can’t wait for next week’s games.

Oh yeah, and I wrote this –

Maybe y’all can give it the much needed estrogen laden KSWI bump, am I right? Probably not.

I hate Monday.

25 Responses to “It has taken nearly 10,000 days on Earth for someone to figure out…”

  1. I was accused of being racist once when I didn’t respond favorably to a black man saying “gimme some of that shit, baby” when we passed on the street. And when I say “didn’t respond favorably,” I don’t mean that I whirled around hurling racial slurs at him. I ignored him. Because, seriously, what does one say to that? He then called me racist. Just because I ignored some catcall doesn’t make me racist. The mass lynchings I attend every weekend, on the other hand…

    Do I need to say I’m kidding? Because I am. About the second part, at least. I mean, I’ve seen Stomp The Yard like three times, so he has no idea what he’s talking about.

    Anyway, it sounds like you ignored the dude since there’s no recap of a knife fight or rear naked choke on the train. Good for you. It’s what Tsutomu Yamaguchi would’ve wanted. Genius idea I just had: WWTYD paraphenalia. This is going to be huge.

    I don’t know what to make of you wanting to violate him with cardboard cutouts of Michael Cera in Youth In Revolt… Does that mean you didn’t like the movie? I need to see it. I saw Up In The Air this weekend. It was ramazing.

    Congratulations on the UFC article. That’s very exciting. Nice work. I don’t think you want me over there, though. My UFC knowledge is nearly nonexistent, and I’m finding that when I don’t know what to say, I usually resort to sexually harassing you… and that seems unprofessional. We’ll save that for the dark recesses of KSWI. You’re welcome.

  2. PWG said

    Yeah, I was willing to give it the ol’ college try on the site comments, but I looked through and all I thought was “Hey, that Rampage guy is the new B.A. Baracas in the fakey fake trailer leak of the new A-Team I saw this weekend.” I don’t think you want me embarrassing you over there like that.

    Fakey fake meaning they really wanted you to see it, but had to desperately drum up mild controversy so you didn’t yawn and skip it. Fakey fake like Britney Spears leaning over to pick shit up off the ground without bending her knees, so you can “accidentally” see that she’s forgotten her underwear again and maybe the Enquirer will run artfully distorted photos.

    I’m conflicted about the A-Team movie. I love Liam Neeson. Him shooting Jean-Claude’s wife in Taken last year was right up there with my movie highlights of the year. Rarely have I wanted to high-five a fictional character more. Plus, I enjoyed the A-Team in the same uncritical way that Labrador retrievers adore everything on the planet. Things blew up! It had George Peppard! A van! Plus the most awful plotlines of any television series outside of the last season of Happy Days. Who am I kidding, I’m going to see it.

  3. Lala said

    Congratulations on the article. I didn’t understand a word of what you were saying, but that’s because I don’t uderstand or like UFC. Still I read the whole thing because I’m a little OCD and can’t stop reading something before I finish it.
    Since my UFC knowledge is completely nonexistent, I think, like HeyyyBrother, you wouldn’t want me there either.

  4. PWG said

    Inspired captions today, Sugar Bear. I’ve also been accused of racism. I worked in retail for 10 years and had occasion to tell people of every race and degree of inebriation that they couldn’t shoplift a particular item, or couldn’t return something. Sometimes those patrons would accuse me of being a racist. I told them I was actually a misanthrope.

    Since I spent that decade in the trenches, I, like every old person, have heightened expectations of my own customer service episodes. I can mutter, “When I worked in retail, we would’ve FIRED any gum-chomping idiot who chatted with the other cashiers instead of acknowledging the customer even one time during the entire transaction.” Get off my lawn.

  5. Forgetful Lucy said

    Public transportation? I rest my case.

    What did you do KSWIJ? Inquiring minds want to know. Did you ignore him? Did you give him your creepy/sexy eyes to frighten him away? Did you put him in his place and tell him to SIT.THE.FUCK.DOWN. Maybe an epic eye-roll of dismissal. My guess would be the eye-roll.

    Why do you say “I and friends”? I would say “Friends and I”. I looked it up to make sure I haven’t been doing it wrong all this time, I’m pretty sure I’m not. So is this similar to “breadths”? Which by the way, every time I read “breath” in my fanfiction, I think it’s missing the “d”. Great.

    Speaking of movies… did you see Youth In Revolt or what? I think it will be quite entertaining to see Michael Cera playing another character type, a bad boy if you will. I don’t think he has done anything different yet. I’m planning to see a movie today myself, it’s about Leap Day, or something.

    You have left me with so many questions today.

    Yay! for your UFC article, I didn’t actually read it yet, but it is still exciting for you. I did happen to catch your “Brothers” one too, I read and enjoyed it. No worries, I wasn’t cyber-stalking you, I was looking for something else. I swear.

    • PWG said

      I got confused on “one big rouse.” Like not being snarky, seriously confused. I’ve decided it was supposed to be “ruse.” But I went all the way from Rodents of Unusual Size and back before I got there.

      • Raven said

        So did I! You see what you’ve Jordan? You’ve brainwashed us into assuming any silly typo you make is actually some ingenius I-totally-meant-to-spell-that-word-wrong form of art.

      • Huh, I didn’t even notice it and just read it as “ruse.” I kind of speed-read, so end up reading what I think it should say instead of what it probably literally does say.

        *insert joke about me finding imaginary love haikus directed to HB in each blog post*

  6. Jessica said

    Life would be so boring without the random drunks to brighten our days.

    I saw Youth in Revolt on Saturday, and I can’t really say if I liked it or not because I was distracted by some drunk kid throwing up in his seat RIGHT BEHIND ME.

    I think I was enjoying the movie up until that point, but everything became a blur after I bolted out of my chair and ran down the stairs. Luckily, despite his drunken state, the idiot managed not to puke on the person in front of him (me) and I did get a free movie pass out of the ordeal, but I feel like I might be scarred for life.

  7. I just got through reading your UFC article. I feel proud, like our Jordan’s all grown up… (ready everybody: awwwwww). Not enough cursing or crayon drawings for my taste, and you didn’t call anyone a cocktease, but it’s still good stuff.

  8. Zees84 said

    Had Jordanne called anyone a cocktease in a UFC article, I’m guessing all the offensive lineman training in the world would not help the #ing he would get from his readership. And not the fun naked #ing either.

    Sorry, I couldn’t help myself*. Bye!

  9. Crystal said

    That was fucking hilarious. I shall comment more later as my boss is calling me to give a cat a shot. It’s my favorite part of my day…giving cat’s shots…..


    I hate Monday too.

  10. cledbo said

    I’m baaaaaack!

    Of course, it looks like everyone else racked off again, but nevertheless. Did you miss me? Here, have a Slippery Nipple*.

    A question I always had was, how come it’s not racist to call white people bad things? I mean, yeah caucasians as a group are the ones who took racism to dizzying new lows (mixed metaphors anyone?), but I’m not allowed to get upset when some western suburbs Lebanese-Australian with a pineapple haircut calls me ‘Skippy bitch’, apparently. The world is weird, and relatively frustrating.

    I half read your UFC article, as I find the sport vaguely disturbing (not for the blood part though, that’s kind of funny) – half of those pictures look like the guys are about to start making out. Not that I have a problem with le gheys, but those guys are just a bit…intense. Really. Congrats though, I hope they pay you, at least in Cheetos or something.

    I want turtle necks and shoulder holsters too – KStew’s like a spy in the house of Cledbo.

    • PWG said

      I’m stumped on if I should follow that up with a reference to Was (Not Was) or The Doors. I think we should go with the first one based on this lyric: “She poured us two martinis.”

      I’m just glad you’re back so I can call off the search party. Bloodhounds run like $800 apiece and I’ve had a pack of them swimming to Australia for a month now, the poor little things.

      I don’t think I’ve ever been called a racist white name. Any time a non-white person has called me a name it’s been “bitch.” People seem totally comfortable hating me because of my personality rather than my skin color.

      • Lala said

        With me is exactly the same thing, people prefer to hate me because of my personality.

      • Honestly? Honky and cracker are kind of hilarious. If someone called me either of those, whatever heated situation we were in the midst of would immediately dissolve because I’d be rendered useless by my uncontrollable laughter. At least I hope that’s what would happen. I could also get stabbed, I guess.

        I love you for your personality. Seems like we all have that bitchy/weird/misunderstood personality thing going for us. At least we have each other? (and again: awwwww) It’s like the Isle of Bitchy and Perverted Misfit Toys around here. I call dibs on being the spotty elephant.

      • Lala said

        Aawwwww… we have each other.

      • PWG said

        I’ll be Charlie-in-the-Box!

      • I think that makes Jordyn King Moonracer. Lucky him…?

    • Welcome back, Cledbo. Campbell was forced to carry on representing all the Australians, and that’s a pretty heavy load.* You were sorely missed.

  11. Forgetful Lucy said

    So… I saw Leap Year. It was ok *shrugs*. I would maybe recommend it as a rental, maybe. For the most part it was, “A big ol’ load of poo”.

    ***Spoiler Alert for anyone who gives a rat’s ass. Yeah, I didn’t think so.*****

    Hmmm, how did it end again? Let’s just say one of us was right. And by “one of us”, I mean not you.
    No fuckery, and definitely douchery from guy #1.

    In the end it all came down to the question:

    In an emergency, if you only had 60 seconds to grab what was important to you, what would you take?

    Now let’s assume all your loved ones and pets are already out of danger. I’ve known the answer to this question for awhile now. I have 2 possessions which truly can not be replaced:

    1) My Grandmother’s diamond ring
    2) The video tape of my ultrasound

    Everything else, on some level, could be replaced.

    So my question is, do you already know what you would take KSWI Jordan?

  12. Zees84 said

    How many days has Harry Reid been roaming the planet? Oooh, look at me, gittin’ all political.

  13. campbelld said

    How KS says goodbye turned me on, I have to say.
    That is all.

  14. amanda said

    totally random.. i actually really like come original and down by 311
    and bound to the floor by local h
    that band actually plays at a bar thats like 2 seconds from my house every few months.

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