A Rabbi, A Muslim, And An Insane Blogger Walk Into A Bar

January 13, 2010

Part II – Peace in the Middle East – Operation: KSWI Jordan makes everyone friends via mutual understanding of want, hot chicks, action movies, and delightful conversation.

Rabbi Ebenezer Goldstein (EG) – Jordan, your eyes could not get any redder unless it was parted by Moses.

Dr. Aladdin Hussain (AH) – I have not seen a room this smoky since “The Great Khan’s Hookabash of 1978”.

KSWI Jordan (J) – I know, man. I know. But he was his brother.

EG – We know.

J – No, man. No. He was his brother. His brother. Right?

AH – We know. You’ve been saying this for the past 20 minutes.

J – He was HIS brother. They were brothers, but he was his brother. You see what I’m saying, man?

AH – Of course, we see what you’re saying! The movie is called Brothers. They are both “brothers”!

J – Yeah, but they were “brothers”… of… each other. It’s crazy, man. 

AH – He’s an idiot, Ebenezer. What can we do with him? He’s smoked himself stupid.

EG – Man? Man? Man. Man. Man. Jordan. Jor-dan. Jor-man. Jorman. JORMAN!

AH – Ebenezer!

EG – What?

AH – You’re high.

EG – A little. I think I have a contact high from all this smoke. I feel like it’s 1974 and I’m… when was that?

AH – 36 years ago.

EG – I was 40!?! Oh God, I’m old. I was 40 years old 36 years ago. That doesn’t even seem possible right now.

AH – You look good for your age.

Camera man Carl (C) – Guys, we’re on the air.

EG – Don’t sugar coat it for me, Aladdin. I’m too old. How could you possibly understand? You’re so young and-

C – Guys, we’re on the air!

AH – I’m 50 years old.

EG – 50! You look incredible for 50. What’s your secret?

AH – I wake up every morning-

C – Guys, we’re on the AIR!

EG & AH – Shut up! CARL!

J – Are we having fun yet?

J – It’s the Tonight Show with me. And, everything is foggy. Wow. Is that pizza showing up anytime soon, Aladdin. Aladdin? Aladdin?

AH – I’m sorry, Jordan. I must’ve zoned out. Have you ever noticed that your iphone feels so warm and smooth? Am I the only one? 

EG – Now, you’re high.

AH – I’m a little high.

EG – We all are. I think Jordan is legally retarded at this moment.

J – That’s your fault.

AH – How is it our fault? You smoked the whole joint to your head.

J – I know, man. That’s because none of you would smoke it. I thought that’s what happened. We get together, we settle our differences and then we smoke a peace pipe. Smoke’em the pipe’em.

AH – That doesn’t make any sense. You still didn’t have to smoke the whole joint. And we’re not Indians.

EG – Ahhhh, Native Americans.

AH – Oh shut up, Ebenezer. You’re high.

EG – So are you. You won’t stop rubbing your iphone.

J – That’s what she said.

EG & AH – Good one.

C – Do you guys realize you’re supposed to be talking about Ashley Greene, right!?!

*click*

J – Ashely Greene! She wants it.

AH – I really like her hair.  

EG – Gay.

J – Seconded. Gay.

AH – How is it gay that I like the long brown hair of a beautiful young woman that I find infinitely sexually attractive? I want to see her naked. I want to rub oils into the delicate skin of her arched back. I want to tickle her soft thighs with the hair of my beard. I want to kiss her long neck with my rough lips and I want to feel her luxurious thick hair in between the fingers of my strong hands.

EG – That was beautiful.

J – Gay.

AH – How can you say that? After what I just said! I just detailed myself poetically fucking this young raven haired starlet and you still call me gay!?!

J – Hunh? I wasn’t paying attention. Is that pizza showing up soon? Could you stop molesting your iphone for a minute and check the Dominos website to see when it is coming?

AH – Fine. Hold on. It should be here any minute.

EG – What’s our driver’s name?

AH – Sancho.

EG – It’s never Vinny or Carmine. They should just lie and say a stereotypical Italian name. Tony is making your pizza. Joey Boom Bots is driving it over to you.

AH – Either way, Sancho will be here soon with our pizzas.

*click*

J – Oh fuck a duck! She wants it!

EG – When I get home, I will buy as much stock in Sobe beverages as I can afford.

AH – I’ve never envied paint more than I have at this moment.

J – Fuck! Sancho would love this picture!

AH – Actually, I have envied a lot of paint. Brooklyn Decker’s paint, Marissa Miller’s paint, Irina Shayk’s paint-

EG – Is that Kurt Russell again?

J – Yeah, we didn’t get any pictures taken down yesterday with the Kurt Russell heads covering Ashley’s-

EG & AH – Nips.

J – So we used him again.

EG – Is that from Tango & Cash? I love that movie.

AH – You would. Lt. Gabriel Cash. Get it? Jews? Money? Cash?

EG – That was a bit of a stretch.

AH – Whatever. I’m high. I would ride Ashley Greene’s toned nubile body from the Red Sea shores of Egypt through North Africa to the Atlantic Ocean beaches of Moracco.

J – Oh man, I don’t need all of that. I just want to kiss those pouty lips once-

*click*

J – And fuck her to pieces. Oh shit. What is Sobe doing to me?

EG – This is a terrible thing Sobe is doing to us. We will become Pavlov’s dog. We will associate Sobe beverages so much with this personification of our glistening sexual appetite that we will become erect just at the sight of this sports drink.

AH – I will never step foot in a convenience store again because of this.

J – Hey Rabbi I guess it’ll be good for you. Sobe’s a lot cheaper than Viagra.

EG – I don’t use Viagra you idiot.

J – Really?

EG – Cialis. It works much better. Lasts longer.

J – The bath tubs medicine. I don’t get that at all. If I had to carry two bath tubs up a hill and under a tree to have sex with my old ass wife – I would give up sex. And it can’t be safe for old people to have sex in bath tubs, no matter where those bathtubs are.

AH – You don’t have to have sex in the bath tubs. You can have sex anywhere. Although I don’t understand the bath tub metaphor either.

J – Whatever, I just see bath tubs. On the edges of cliffs, in the middle of fields, under trees, on the beach. That’s way too much work.

EG – But if it was to have sex with Ashley Greene in one of those bath tubs…

J – I would carry all the bath tubs! I would drag dozens of them around. There would be so many bath tubs.

EG – Carrying around bath tubs is a young man’s game. Good luck to you.

*click*

AH – I need bath tubs!

J – Oh man, what the hell is to her left!?!

EG – She wants it more than Israel wants the Gaza strip.

J – I am having trouble figuring out if I am high from the weed or lose of blood from head to “other places”.

AH – It’s the weed.

J – You’re right.

EG – In some countries what she is about to do to that Sobe beverage bottle would land her in prison.

AH – I know. I’m from those countries. Hey oh! I think you and I could really do some stand-up comedy. You could be the straight man and I could be the-

J – Gay man! I’m kidding. Fuck, where is Sancho!?!

EG – Sancho. Sancho? Sancho! We should have gotten Mexican food.

J – I could eat a burrito right now.

AH – I could eat a burrito off of Ashley Greene’s stomach right now.

J – Do you have to do that with every food that is mentioned? You’ll eat such and such off of such and such’s such and such body part. Why would you be eating a burrito off of Ashley Greene anyway?

EG – I could eat a taco salad out of Salma Hayek’s cleavage.

J – You are the creepiest old men I have ever met.

AH – I could eat salsa and chips off of Eva Mendes’ butt.

J – I am never going to eat Mexican food again.

EG – I could marinade Penelope Cruz in adobo and lick it off of every inch of her from head to toe.

J – You just crossed the line, Ebenezer. And now I’m crazing Mexican food.

C – Guys we’re fully in support of this creepy conversation so we’ve got something special for you.

*click*

J – Oh my God! ORDER US SOME MEXICAN FOOD!

EG – I can feel her want making my skin boil like I have been eating jalapeno peppers.

AH – Her want makes me question every second I have spent not dancing with women in frilled dresses to a rumba beat.

J – Her want is squeezing its way through every tiny pore on my body like my skin was the security fence on the Southern Texas border.

EG – Prejudice, but I like it.

J – Sancho would be loving this. I can feel it in my soul.

AH – I’m looking her up on my iphone. I want to know everything about her.

EG – I love saying her name. Sofia. Sofia Vergara. Soooo-fffeeee-yaaaaah. Verrrrrrrrr-Verrrrrrr-Verrrrr-Garrrrrrrrrr-Verrrrr-Garrrrr-Ahhhhhh. Jordan say it.

J – I can’t roll my “R”s.

EG – That’s what she said.

J – I could eat a quessadilla baked from the heat of her want.

EG – Even though my heart would not be able to handle the influx of cholestrol, I could eat refried beans off the tops of her feet and lick the sauce off of each of her toes.

J – I’m half scared to death of you, Ebenezer, and half hoping you will be my mentor.

AH – I could eat an entire fajita dinner with Sofia Vergara as my series of hot plates.

J – Dare I say, explain.

AH – The meat would sizzle on her smooth stomach. The guacamole and sour cream would paint her lovely legs. The pico de gallo would sit atop her astonishing ass. And the tortilla wraps

*click*

J – It’s just not fair.

AH –  The tortilla wraps would stay warm between her magnificent breasts.

J – Why God could you have not made me in the image of a Hispanic pop-singer? Then I would have had a shot at this.

AH – Actually in this interview I have here, she says she might be done dating those types.

EG – You know her hair looks really nice here.

AH – Gay.

J – Does she mention she is planning on making a complete 180 and looking for pale, wanna-be writers, who watch men fight each other in a cage every weekend?

AH – No, but listen to this quote “When I came to L.A., people started telling me I had to lose some weight. No one has ever told me in my life that I’m fat. Or that my breasts were too big! When I told my mother that my reps want me to get a reduction, she went crazy. “God is going to punish you if you cut your [breasts].”

EG – Her mother is the smartest woman ever.

J – Oh man, I almost want to cry. Could you imagine her getting a breast reduction?

AH – I’m starting to tear up as well. It’s just so blasphemous. The time and effort our Almighty creator put in to perfectly sculpt those heavenly breasts. It would be against the Law of all that exists to alter them.

EG – Worse than the Devil himself would be the plastic surgeon to perform a reduction on those bountiful bouncy breasts.

AH – Jews do not believe in the Devil.

EG – That’s how evil that act is. It would make me believe in the Devil first and then make me believe in a person worse than the Devil. Even the Devil would not touch her breasts.

J – He too was an angel at one time.

EG – So true. So true.

J – How are we still this high?

C – Guys, I have some good news – Sancho is here with the pizza.

J & AH & EG – SANCHO!

*click*

Sancho (S) – Hey, I have your pizz- what the hell is going on here!?!

J – Sancho chill out. What’s wrong?

S – Well I walk into a room that stinks of pot. There are two old men and a young man looking at a naked picture of some chica-

AH – She’s wearing body paint actually.

S – And is that Kurt Russell from Tango & Cash?

EG – Honestly, it is not a good movie, but the combination of Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russ-

S – Tell me what the hell is going on here! Or I’m taking the pizza and leaving.

J – Woh! Sancho don’t do anything hasty. We’re all friends here.

S – It seems like a jerk circle is going on.

AH – A circle jerk? Hardly. We are just admiring these beautiful women.

S – I don’t know about this. Weed, pizza, naked women, Kurt Russell? Actually this all sounds pretty good. I can stay.

J – Yeah! Sancho! Ok, let me have some of that pizza.

S – So who is this? I could dip her chin in picante and gently kiss it off.

EG – You will fit in here quite nicely, Sancho.

AH – That is Ashley Greene from Twilight. She played Alice Cullen.

S – Oh man! No fucking way. I have seen those movies. This chica is not in it. Sancho would remember this. There is no vampire in that movie with such beautiful brown hair.

EG – It’s a travesty to mankind, but she is the spiky haired one.

S – I don’t know how to say this in English, but there is an old Mexican proverb about the billy goat and the tarantula and the town whore. It will not translate well, but needless to say the town whore was once a princess before the tarantula and the billy goat came to the town of Oaxaca.

J – Oh that’s fucked up. You just ruined the ending.

AH – My wife and I’s safe word is “Oaxaca”.

EG – Mine is “call 911”. I’m 76 years old.

S – This Ashley Greene wants it.

J – No fucking kidding, Sancho.

S – Hear me out, do you know who I think also wants it?

AH – Who?

S – Kristen Stewart.

*click*

S – Dios mio! She wants it!

J – Yeah, man. Kristen Stewart wants it.

AH – Kristen Stewart wants it more than my black sheep Islamic fundamentalist brothers want the head of that Dutch cartoonist.

EG –  Kristen Stewart wants it more than Kleenex wants to open up shop at the Wailing Wall.

S – Kristen Stewart wants it more than I wanted a  goat, tarantula, town whore and myself, Sancho, foursome when I was a child. That story resonated with me in a different way than most.

J – Kristen Stewart does want it, she wants it bad. I think the Middle East is safe now because of this. I’m not sure what those other mopes have been doing these past 40 years up at Camp David and those stupid “Peace Treaties”. I believe this struggle is over and it is because of “the want”. It all began with Ashley Greene’s want and Kristen Stewart begat that want. I think we’ve figured out a lot this past two days and I feel like we have a blossoming friendship. A senile Jewish man, Ebenezer, is now my friend. A creepy Muslim, Aladdin, is now my friend. A Mexican delivery driver, Sancho, who we are just learning is a deeply disturbed individual with maybe a childhood hard on for goats, arachnids and town whores, is now my friend. And then there is myself, a 26 year old white, American, male in desperate need of external stimulation because currently his inner-monologue is bat shit insane.

Until tomorrow … could there be three days of KSWI Jordan, Rabbi Ebenezer Goldstein, Dr. Aladdin Hussain and, now, Sancho(!)?

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30 Responses to “A Rabbi, A Muslim, And An Insane Blogger Walk Into A Bar”

  1. Zees84 said

    1. You switched from Carlos to Sancho with no other explanation. You are a racist.

    2. Desperate need of external stimulation? The joke just writes itself. I suppose you could fuck a duck….they live outside…

    Wait, am I high?

  2. kristenstewartwantsit said

    Carlos? I don’t see a “Carlos”.

    • PWG said

      My gmail copy of today’s post begs to differ with you, cheater man. I just figured they were too high to know what his name really was until he showed up. I feel like you didn’t get a good breakfast today, for some reason.

      • Indeed. That new little “Notify me of posts via email” checkbox comes in handy not only in alleviating the need to stalk the site for updates, but also in aiding in Jordan-taunting. Good times. Thanks, WordPress.

      • Zees84 said

        KSWI Jordan, I am not sure if you realize that your loyal reader PWG is a rock star, and my hero.

      • PWG said

        I think all we’ve learned is that I will pay for the privilege of being completely juvenile.

        I think Jordan’s upcoming gift subscription to The Beaver Magazine is proof enough of that.

    • Zees84 said

      you’re a sneaky bastard. Maybe you should give some money to Haiti.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Haiti, Schmaiti – is what I always say.

        It hasn’t worked out well for Haiti or myself.

      • Zees84 said

        I’m curious about this “always”. How often in the course of roughly 100,000 days, (subtracting approximately 850 until you were able to speak in full sentences) does the term “Haiti Shmaiti” come up in casual, or not-so-casual conversation?

  3. Susanelle said

    Yes, please, a third day! I don’t mind if we go on a multi-week marathon with these guys.

  4. Forgetful Lucy said

    And, now I’m starving.

    Have you seen the video of Ashley rolling around on the beach during the photoshoot? The LTT girls have it here.

  5. I might be making this up, but… don’t you speak basic Spanish? How does one speak Spanish without the ability to roll their R’s? Try harder. I bet your tongue just needs some exercise. External stimulation or whatever. Or maybe Sancho/Carlos can help you out. Gay!

    This was all very excellent. Aladdin got pretty explicit up there. I feel like I need to do something to distract myself. Maybe work, for a change.

    I’m not just confused by the bathtubs of Cialis, but by the separate bathtubs of Cialis. Where’s the fun in separate tubs? That’s not sexy. They may as well show the couple in separate twin beds and taking out their dentures.

    I’m also confused by your use of Kurt Russell heads. Not the choice of Kurt Russell, that I wouldn’t question. But I’ve seen these pictures before, and I remember staring at the area where her nips should be and marveling at how there was no nippage. I swear. Nonexistent. So really, you’re covering up nothing with Kurt’s face there, no?

    I hope we see more of Aladdin, Ebenezer and Sancho. I enjoy these boys, creepy as they may be.

    • Freya said

      Photoshop has already done Kurt Russel’s job.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      I thought we got “Snake” Kurt Russell becasue Ashley appears to have scales and apparently she is amphibious based on her chosen habitat of the jungle and the water. This makes perfect sense considering her hybrid Wanting It powers. Then today we get a different Kurt “nipblocker” Russell, and not even the one from Overboard to go with the ocean theme. I don’t even know why I try to make sense of it all.

      I also think I forgot to mention yesterday how much I love Froot Loops.

  6. tiffanized said

    Your resident marketing expert checking in to say that for successful product placement, one’s product must not be competing with the perky nipples of a starlet, unless said product is a magic cream that causes perky nipples.

    Thank you for Sofia. Those pictures will create hours of “do I want to be her or do I want to do her?” self-exploration. And by self-exploration, I mean “no, you’re not getting pictures of me touching myself.”

    • MLF said

      agreed. Those pictures don’t make me want Sobe- they make me want a chick covered in body paint. But we do have Sobe to thank for them so there’s always that. I don’t like Sobe but maybe the next time I see a bottle I’ll buy one just to say thanks for stripping ashley down naked and painting her nipples.

  7. Lala said

    I like The Late Show with KSWI Jordan, so you can keep them coming. Although I have no idea how you can come up with such a crazy conversation… oh, well.
    Anyway, I have to agree with Zees84 and it was “Carlos” before.

  8. So, I work in the online world. As a result, I work with a lot of Indians who, for the most part, are very mild-mannered, proper, and shy. Two just stopped by my desk to ask me some questions. I was dicking around on the interwebs per usual, so tried to discreetly Alt+Tab to a work-related window. Except I Alt+Tabbed my way right to KSWI, which I had mistakenly left open in another browser. I couldn’t find a chunk of text big enough between pictures, so I just frantically scrolled from one nekkid picture to the next. I can’t imagine what they think of me now. The vacant stares tell me they didn’t appreciate Ashley and Sofia the way Aladdin and Ebenezer did. I fear that, in their eyes, I’m no longer just the “crass and bossy American girl,” but rather now the “crass and bossy American lesbian.” Thanks, KSWI.

  9. MLF said

    hmm. several points-

    A- ashley definitely wants it but she just doesn’t want it as hard as kristen. It’s like, when I’m looking at her I can tell, yes she wants it, but I can also tell that she is looking like she wants it on purpose, whereas with kristen, she just wants it in such a way that she can’t “make” herself look like she wants it- it is just her perpetual state. With that being said I would still temporarily switch teams for ashley.

    B- I have an iPhone cover that is soft. I don’t know how to explain it because at the same time the case is hard to protect the phone, but it FEELS soft. it gets rubbed often everyone.* Everyone is always asking to touch it*

    C- does anyone else wonder how one might become a professional body painter? I mean obviously you must need to have artistic talent but how does a person decide- hey, how about instead of making a living painting beautiful works of art on canvas- I specialize in painting tits?

    • Lala said

      Uh, interesting question on point C…

    • campbelld said

      Do you do a course in it? Where can I do this course? Are you a makeup artist or a painter? Or something more. Something…beautiful.

    • You’re not the only one. I had the same thought yesterday and spent some time googling various phrases like “how to become a body painter.” I figured that maybe Jordan should consider casting his writer dreams aside and become a pale wanna-be body painter, instead.

      Turns out there’s no definitive answer… Seems like a lot of people get their start in face painting. One thing I do know for sure after all that googling? Body painted women look much better than body painted men. Unless of course nude men with shitty body paint riding a unicycle is your kind of thing, then I might suggest you check out Wikipedia’s article on Body Painting. His mother must be so proud. You’re all very welcome.

      • MLF said

        oh. my. god. HB I could kiss you right now, and there aren’t even any Germans around to watch. I just died laughing. seriously. I literally fell out of my chair and was rolling around. My roomate heard the sound of me falling/laughing and came out to watch.

        Firstly-

        oh god. I cannot stop.* Ok let me try again*…

        Firstly- I have never visualized what a guys junk would look like all squished on a bicycle seat. I know. I am twelve. whatever.

        Secondly- whoever wrote the description knows what’s up for sure. He is under no delusion that anyone looking at that picture is paying any attention to the “subject” of the photo- the body paint. He knows that everyone is really just staring at the guys junk squished on that bicycle seat. Hilarious. I would never be able to look at a man riding a bicycle the same again.

        and yes also kind of gross but OH MY GOD I CANT STOP LAUGHING.

        you did forwarn us with “nude” which in general signifies people being naked…but thank god I did not open that link in public. Even if no one had been confused/horrified by that picture- they definitely would have been concerned about the way I fell out of my chair and from the resulting seizure/laughsplosion.

      • tiffanized said

        I opened that link at an elementary school on my phone. Which then locked up whilst I was zoomed in on the guys compacted genitalia. I was concerned–and not for the first time–that KSWI would finally succeed in getting me on a list that would require me to stay 200 yards away from schools and parks.

  10. campbelld said

    ‘She wants it more that Israel wants the Gaza Strip.’
    These tonight show posts are amazing, close to your best work. The bit with them listing which latino women they would eat various foods off? Destroyed me. Aladdin fondling his iPhone? I just kept laughing and laughing.
    Then again maybe I am delirious becuase I am considering committing fraud as we speak. And I dont mean, ‘I’m going to give a different name for my coffee,’ I mean I have an oppurtunity to get more than 2 grand and all I would have to do would be forge one signature. Huzzah for serious crimes.
    So yeah, next week, I will either be in New York, or prison.
    Great post!

  11. breast reduction is a very common procedure to those persons are very fat*;;

  12. you can have twin beds at your home specially if you always spend your night with a special someone *'”

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