This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #14

January 15, 2010

Well, well. It has been quite the week of schizophrenia for me. Monday started off fairly normally with a recap of my weekend and observational humor for the situations I found myself in. Tuesday got a little weird, but typical weird for this site. A conversation between three people who do not really exist except for inside my head: Rabbi Ebenezer Goldstein, Dr. Aladdin Hussain and, of course, KSWI Jordan. They began a discussion on the history of and current Middle East crisis. This discussion was quickly derailed by Ashley Greene’s nude body paint pictures, typical very typical.

Wednesday was a revamped version of Tuesday’s post with the addition of these characters being stoned. They continued to talk openly about Ashley Greene, her body paint, and their willingness to paint Ms. Greene next time with their respective tongues. The topic grew to embrace all sorts of Hispanic women Latin women that the three would like to eat various Hispanic and Latin foods off of their naked bodies. Lastly, the post was marked by the introduction of a fourth character: Dominos Pizza delivery driver, Sancho.

This is where things got a little too weird for the “general public” to handle. On Thursday, our four KSWI hosts shared which older women they would have sex with. It started with the 60 year old Meryl Streep. Others were mentioned like Susan Sarandon and Helen Mirren. Each woman was over 60 years old minus Jeanne Tripplehorn who was more or less used as a foil by Dr. Hussain, Rabbi Goldstein and Sancho to rekindle their list of women over 60 years old they would sleep with. All of this appears to have been too much for America and, maybe, the World. I believe the nail in the coffin was “How Old Would You Go?”

That is why I have decided to take it one enormously old step further. I was expecting the commenters to be more honest than they were or at least more creative. The idea that the oldest men you could think of as a one time sexual partner was George Clooney, Johnny Depp and whatever was bland and boring. There is no creativity in me saying Michelle Pfeiffer. Sure, everyone would have sex with her. That’s just obvious. How old would you really go? So above this post there is a list. If you are one of the readers who reads this literally the second I post then it isn’t there yet, but will be. Nevertheless, most will see a list. The list will be explained in its own post, but there will be a list. This list is 50 men who are all over 60 years old that I believe women would have sex with. Thank you? You’re welcome.

The Questions of the Week

Have you seen Youth in Revolt?


Next question. Just kidding.

I do want to see Youth in Revolt, but between getting called racist, meeting with old friends, seeing a band and football I never made it to a movie theater last weekend. I am planning on seeing it at some point this weekend or sometime soon. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Book of Eli. One main reason is that I’ve seen just about every Denzel Washington movie he’s been in, so why stop now. I’ve heard the movie is “meh” and I’m fine with that. I think it looks pretty bad. Mila Kunis is hot and she is in it. Gary Oldman can be excellent. He is one of my favorite villains of all time in The Professional aka Leon as Norman Stansfield – “Bring me everyone” “Everyone, boss?” “EVVVVERRRRYYYY OOONNNNNEEEEE!!!!”

I read somewhere (IMDB?) that Kristen Stewart was offered the role that Mila Kunis is playing. I also read that they had to change much of the script because Kristen Stewart was not in the movie. Originally, the book was not the “weapon”. The book was a red herring that was cleverly thought up by Denzel. Instead the weapon was Kristen Stewart. That was the big end of the 2nd act twist. Denzel is trying to protect Kristen Stewart because she has the power to create and end life. I’m not referring to getting pregnant and shivving someone. I’m referring to the fact that Kristen Stewart wants it so bad she can not only create high concentrations of Hydrogen atoms (H3) that can lead to the creation of new life like the big bang. Kristen Stewart also wants it so bad she can not only bring atoms together, but she can split them with her want causing nuclear explosions. All of that had to be scrapped and that is why this movie will be sub par.

Can Kristen Stewart’s want weapon be used for neutrality, love or good?

Generally, I associate Kristen Stewart’s want abilities with good. I rarely mention her destroying anything for bad reasons. It was not I who asked if Kristen Stewart could have blown up Japan better than the two atomic bombs that were dropped on that unfortunate tentacle porn loving island. I was only answering the question. I have definitely mentioned Kristen’s wall of fire of want or heat beat of want actually fixing situations like defeating aliens or robots or zombies. The destructive power of Kristen Stewart’s want I believe is similar to the Colt 45 revolver “The Peacemaker”.

I am certain I have also talked plenty that Kristen Stewart can reshape the world as she sees fit (like above) when she really really wants it. So… yeah. I’ve talked about it.

If I was host of The Tonight Show would I interview Jimmy Carr on the first night?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh…. Why?

Nothing against Jimmy Carr… eh, well everything against Jimmy Carr – I would only interview him if I needed to. He’s funny, but the moment of relevance Jimmy Carr had in the US has pretty much completely ended. Jimmy was the host of one game show which I’m forgetting the name of on Comedy Central. I feel like he may have had a second show, but I’m blanking on that as well. He had at least one stand-up specials for Comedy Central. And with all that “knowledge” I have on him, I still needed to look him up on google just to make sure I wasn’t thinking he was someone else. He is pretty funny, but he is utterly and completely pop-culturally irrelevant in the US of A, so I doubt I would interview him the first night. Unless that is apart of the deal. I would interview anyone NBC wanted me to if they gave me The Tonight Show. Also, I’m so much cheaper than Conan or Jay Leno. I know both of them cost millions where as I would cost significantly less than a million dollars to host that show. Think of all the savings!

Who would I interview on my first show? That’s a good question, me. I can say for a fact I would selfishly use the show as a way for me to meet the famous people I want to meet. That being said, Michael Jeffrey Jordan would probably be my first guest. The first episode of The Tonight Show with Jordan would most likely feature this line-up of guests: Michael Jeffrey Jordan, Bo Jackson, Fleetwood Mac and whichever of these women are single or in an “open relationship”: Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson, Bar Rafaeli and too many more to mention.

I could easily imagine an entire episode dedicated to Gina Carano and me shamelessly throwing myself at her the whole time.

I have a lot of ideas for the show as well. I think I could try and reform bands that broke up for one more performance. I could form new super groups to play a random cover song ala Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White playing “The Weight” by The Band for the movie It Might Get Loud. I would also like to do shows completely dedicated to one guest like the Gina Carano idea, but less shameless hitting on. Like an entire episode with the cast of The A-Team movie. We would talk per usual, we would try and complete tasks together as a team, the A-Team from the movie would face off against the remaining members of the A-Team from the television show in some sort of mission and, maybe, they compete against some other teams like The Mod Squad.

There would also be a lot of skits about Kristen Stewart and Peyton Manning, obviously.

Which Big Love wife WOULD you bang first?

I think they are all very attractive, but I would choose Ginnifer Goodwin first and/or Margene first. In real life I would choose Ginnifer Goodwin first and if I somehow I broke into the television alternate universe I would choose Margene. I would eliminate Barb/Jeanne from the equation first because of the age disparity. Sorry. I know she is probably very torn up about that. Second, Chloe Sevigny in real life would be eliminated because of Brown Bunny. Nowadays, Chloe looks fucking great. But I’ve seen her suck Vincent Gallo off and that just ruins it sort of. Why is that so bad? 1. It’s Vincent Gallo – the guy looks like a scumbag, acts like one, anti-semite, seemingly has homophobic issues as well and the worst of the worst is he thinks he is a great artist. 2. Brown Bunny!?! Out of all the piece of shit movies to decide to blow a guy for real for this might be the worst. I have literally seen porn movies with better storylines, acting, and dialogue than Brown Bunny. Oh my God that movie sucks.

Also, I would like to mention this about Brown Bunny. When it first played some festival (Sundance? Cannes?), Roger Ebert saw it. He hated it. This was the correct response. Vincent Gallo is a whiny bitch and he went on and on about how Roger Ebert is an idiot and fat. He targeted the man’s weight. Fat or thin, that movie sucks. Then Roger Ebert saw the movie a second time – Why? What on Earth is there to see a second time? NOTHING HAPPENS! Oh man, I really need to see another 5 minute shot of Vincent Gallo driving on the highway. So he saw a different edited version of the movie and this time Ebert gave it a positive review. I didn’t think Roger Ebert was a fat idiot before he gave Brown Bunny a positive review, but he is now a fat idiot for giving the movie a positive review. Ugh, fuck that movie.

Anyway, Chloe is eliminated because of Brown Bunny. On the show, Nicki is a headache. A big big headache. And that leaves, Ginnifer/Margene. I’m a big fan of Ginnifer and her complete and total innocent looking cherubic smile. She’s also hot. And wants it. Margene seems to have the best personality. And I don’t remember seeing Ginnifer blow any anit-semites on video, so that’s a bonus. That being said if Chloe Sevigny is reading this blog and making a decision on whether or not she should contact me then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME! If a hypothetical situation where I can only choose one in an ideal setting my analytically trained BA in Philosophy brain makes me choose the female who fits into this criteria of best looking, fun and didn’t orally please a known anti-semite in a movie that involved infinitely more sucking than the actual blowjob itself. But I would really like to meet you Chloe. But if it was a choice between only Ginnifer or only Chloe then I’d choose Ginnifer. Again, I’m sure Chloe is real broken up about this.

What do you think Conan is going to do know that he basically was forced out his job?

He’ll probably end up doing another tonight show formatted show. Over the past decade, no one even comes close to Conan O’Brien and his brilliance in the late night game. I love Letterman, but his show did not keep up with the pace and hilarity of Conan’s former 12:30 show. Jon Stewart was amazing this last decade as well. But Jon is only doing a half hour compared to an hour and he only does it 4 times a week. Also, Jon phones in the interviews a lot as well as he handpicks guests more than Conan. Jon can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with an intellectually stimulating author, scientist, reporter and so on. Meanwhile, Conan every night had to make shitty sitcom actors or the cast of Crossing Jordan seem not only funny, but worth the time and effort to watch whatever stupid show or movie they were peddling.

Listen, I don’t know Jason Priestly. I think there may have been confusion over whether I knew him or not, I don’t. I don’t know if in real life Jason could be a very funny man. What I do know is that every time he appeared on Conan’s show last decade (which I would say was over half a dozen times) I laughed until I cried. And I think Conan should get all the credit. I don’t know how you would phrase this to find it on youtube if it even was up there, but Conan did an interview with Jason Priestly where Jason was selling rubber backs for combination locks. Remember the good ole’ Master Lock combination lock, well Jason was selling a rubber grip that went around them so they wouldn’t scratch the locker the lock was on. Terribly dumb idea. Nevertheless, Conan somehow made that story the funniest thing ever. I don’t think Dave, Jon, Stephen, Jay, Jimmy (Kimmel), Craig (Kilborn), Craig (Ferguson), Jimmy (Fallon) and whoever else I’m forgetting would have made that interview that funny.


I saw a mention of Local H in my comments section. First and foremost, the commenter who did mention this is far too young to know Local H. What I mean by that is Local H should have definitely been lost in the shuffle of time. But she did say that Local H plays near her so I guess that explains it. Anyway, I did like Local H and the song “Bound to the Floor”. Just reading that band’s name made me think of another band of that time frame and I leave you with “Super Bon Bon” by Soul Coughing.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I hope you all enjoy the list that is sure to follow sooner than later.


7 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #14”

  1. Zees84 said

    Did people even see this? We are all too busy freaking out about men over sixty.

    Someone once told me I look like Ginnifer Goodwin. I don’t see it, but I do get told I’m cute often. Rarely “hot,” but as a 25 year old with stretchmarks (yum), I’ll take cute.

    Also, I have never given a blowjob to an anti-semite. Unless you count a self-loathing Jew. Then the number changes.

  2. PWG said

    I saw Up in the Air last night. I liked it, but Vera Farmiga has a bit of the crazy eyes, no? Anna Kendrick’s character has balls telling ol’ crazy eyes, “I want to look just like you in 15 years!”

  3. Did you call us “bland and boring”? You dick. I’m sorry my twisted mind couldn’t come up with any grandpa’s that I’d consider boinking. I even tried googling “hollywood’s silver foxes” to come up with ideas, but even google didn’t want me thinking about fucking old people. Christ. I told you a real world story of almost hooking up with a 42 year old. I’ll try harder to make my comments crazier in the future. Do I need to return to the insane territory of O:F&B? What do you want?

    Truthfully, I think this game is harder for women to play than men. I don’t know why. Maybe women aren’t as desperate for sex? Unlikely… but possible. Maybe women don’t sexualize everything the way guys do? Or maybe women have more satisfying means than men do of sex substitution? Next time you want to drill Helen Mirren, maybe go find yourself a Fleshlight instead…

    At least you like Conan, so you’ve got that going for you right now. Now if you want to talk about all the things I’d do to the 6’4″ late night ginger of my dreams, then maybe we can have a conversation.

  4. Forgetful Lucy said

    Bo knows… Archery? WTH?

  5. Pol said

    Jay Leno should go quietly into that good night… Conan O’Brian is funnier and he had Will Ferrel as his first guest.
    I asked about Jimmy Carr simply because well… he’s funny and he scares me a bit…I find myself laughing at things I find morally reprehensible. But granted he’s not really up America’s alley.
    I’m not British or American so I miss these things.

    ewwwwwww! your list of men over 60 (well most of them)….ewwwww!
    Besides,I might give some of them cardiac arrest, nuff said.
    Fresh meat, fresh meat!

  6. amanda said

    i havent commented/ read in awhile
    fuckin school
    fuckin reasearch papers
    plus ive gotten lazy.

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