There is no one on this planet named Cole Ortiz

January 19, 2010

And I’m back with a vendetta… actually I think the caffeine just wore off. I was all psyched like 20 minutes ago to start writing this post, but now I’m tired again. This is going to be a long day. I had a pretty quiet weekend where no one insinuated I was racist or had friends bumming menthol cigarettes off of prostitutes. I mostly just watched football on Saturday and then watched football on Sunday and then hung out Monday. Today’s post will be mostly dedicated to the television that I watched: football, Big Love and 24.


First and foremost, the professional tackle football association of America had an exciting albeit one sided weekend. I am pretty much fine with the outcomes of the games because my team the Pittsburgh Steelers are not involved. Right now, the AFC is chugging along and the NFC is fucking wildfire. The weekend games could not be any different from each other.

The AFC’s two games were the Indianapolis Colts vs. the Baltimore Raves and the San Diego Chargers vs. the New York Jets. Colts/Ravens was mildly entertaining. I like Peyton Manning and all, actually it would be more appropriate to say I love the man or I have a myriad of feelings that if all added together would probably equal love. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I was in the cereal aisle, good story so far. I was not planning on buying any cereal, but I needed to use the hot and cold cereal aisle as a gateway to the other side of the super market namely the deli counter. As I skipped down the aisle like I normally do down the cereal aisle full of cartoon characters and bright colors, I saw a familiar, a very familiar face staring back at me: Peyton “The Sheriff” Manning. He is on the cover of the Wheaties Fuel box. Wheaties Fuel is more or less regular Wheaties with maybe a cycle or two of anabolic steroids frosting the flakes. So I bought it. I couldn’t not buy it. I like Garnett and Pujols is cool, the other two bozos I do not know. But it had Peyton Manning on it!

I am a big fan of “The Sheriff” so I’m not bummed to see him win. But as a team, I like the Ravens better. They have Reverend Raymond “The Struggle” Lewis and I most certainly love him. They also have Edward Reed who I have no nickname for because my Cullen/Swan love for that grimy, bearded, national javelin throwing champion, ball hawker is too infinite to simply assign a single nickname for. So, the Colts won fairly easily. A pretty beat up Ravens offense, add two key fumbles (one by Ray Rice and one by Ed Reed) and a surgical Colts offense led to the easy victory. Chargers/Jets is a different story.

I hate the New York Jets. HATE THEM! Always have. Always will. There would need to be a drastic change on their roster to make me like the New York Jets. For me to “like” the New York Jets, they would have to sign the following people in the off season (in no particular order) Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Troy Polamalu, Cal Ripken Jr., Shawn Kemp, Tiger Woods, #1 ranked MMA Heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko, Olympic gold medal gymnast and Dancing with the Stars season 8 winner Shawn Johnson, me (Jordan Newmark) and #37 on the “list of men over 60 years old I believe women would have sex with” Armand Assante. So needless to say I wasn’t psyched the J-E-T-S beat the San Diego Super Chargers. Whatever.

The NFC is the wildest show on Earth. The Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints apparently believe the NFL has a mercy rule. They are actively trying to score 100 points in the first half thinking the second half will just be forfeited to them. Both of these games were blowouts, but they were exciting blowouts. The New Orleans Saints and the Arizona Cardinals started off the game like it was going to be a repeat of the Cards’ game last week with the Packers. Both teams score early and often and it appears we have a shootout on our hands… ummm… the Saints are now up by 2 touchdowns and Kurt Warner just got hit so hard I peed myself a little. What is happening!?! The Cardinals kept it close for like two minutes. Both teams scored 2 touchdowns each and everything seemed even until the Saints doubled them and never looked back. The second half was fairly slow since the Saints were up by quadruple figures and Kurt Warner was playing concussed. Saints in the Thunderdome win their games how I like my commenters: fast and easy…. and a lot of touchdown passes…. and an interception by Darren Sharper?

Meanwhile, modern day Odysseus, Brett Favre, led his Purple People Eaters to a shellacking on the shitty shitty shitty Cowboys. I do not like the Cowboys either. I like the idea of the Cowboys, but the actual Cowboys I hate. I do not root for them ever, but I find them very entertaining. If you watched the game or not, you probably saw the clip of Keith Brooking, linebacker for the ‘boys, yelling at the back of Brett Favre’s head. With 2 minutes left, 4th and 3 on like the 8 yard line, and up 27 – 3 – Brett Favre threw another touchdown pass. Why not? Brooking felt like it was disrespectful and that teams are not supposed to run up the score in the NFL. So far, no one has taken Brooking’s side on this. Mostly because Troy Aikman, who was commentating the game and is the face of the 3 Superbowl winning Cowboy teams, immediately said that if Brooking didn’t like it then he should have stopped it from happening and played defense. I agree.

And it is Brett Favre! All Brett knows is slingin’ it. He doesn’t understand taking knees or handing the ball off. If the ball is in his hands then he is going to sling it. He has not missed an opportunity to do so since George Herbert Walker Bush was in office. I love Brett Favre. I know a lot of people don’t care for how he handles himself in the off season, but that is ridiculous. The man plays football with more passion than anyone does anything else ever. The guy loves football. God’s great mystery to Brett Favre is everything in life outside of football. The man gets football. Other stuff, not so much. But in between those sidelines with a helmet on and wearing the number 4, the man is a damn prophet. Once the season is over, Brett is confused and scared being led by the hand from one Wrangler jeans commercial to another. But during the fall and winter seasons with his massive hands wrapped around the pigskin, Brett Favre is wide eyed with conviction staring into the Sun. And the Sun blinks.


That was the musiciest episode ever! And by “musiciest”, I mean there was music in 90% of the episode. It was the strangest thing. I am not sure if it was a different director or what, but there was a “and the music swells” moment in pretty much every scene. A couple scenes it made sense, but most it didn’t. One that stuck out was the scene where Bill and Margene are driving and Bill asks her how much money her jewelry business made the past month. They’re talking. Nothing dramatic is happening. They’re talking and driving. There is music piping in. Dramatic music. I’m not sure why. It’s getting louder. What is happening that I am missing? Is there a guy with a gun in the backseat? She made more money than she expected to and the music is getting LOUDER(!). It is nit picking, but it was not needed.

I really like the new opening for Big Love. I was pretty sick of the old one. When the show first started it was a lot more light hearted. It was mostly quipping back and forth between the wives about typical household stuff. Bill Paxton was showing his ass every episode. You know, just good family fun stuff. So the opening credits being cute and friendly was good because the show was cute and friendly. But the show stopped being cute and friendly in the second season. The introductions of a murderous Mormon gang “The Greenes” certainly made the second season a lot darker. The third season added more murder and violence and heart break and adultery and marriages dissolving and a miscarriage and well not cute and friendly things. So I think the overhaul of the opening credits was much needed. Plus Chloe Sevigny looks like she wants it… bad.

Besides the musiciestness and the new opening credits, I really like the new storyline of Alby being a sexual temptress. Who knew!?! It has been an underlying theme of Alby’s character that he is a creep and he is gay and he is creepy about his gayness. He used to go to public restrooms in the middle of the woods and meet up with guys in the middle of the night for some leather jacket gay sex in the dingy bathroom. This season started out with Alby heading over to the local park and watching men workout through a pair of binoculars. Some random good looking guy sees him, questions him on what he is doing and then gives Alby the “sexy eyes” and walks into some nearby bushes and Alby follows him. Who said being gay was difficult? Sure there is the persecution and for awhile all of them were dying of AIDS, but is that it? You show up to a park in the middle of the day with a pair of binoculars and an attractive guy just walks up to you within a minute of sitting there and says “let’s go fuck in the bushes”? Seriously!?!

Alby did not have to do any of the follow things – sign up for an account on Match or JDate and create a profile that was both informative and sexy, buy new clothes, go to a bar, buy drinks, buy dinner, buy flowers, buy jewelry, go on a series of any sort of dates, pretend to like Twilight and/or romantic comedies in general, be funny, be interesting, give dozens of unwarranted compliments while getting none in return, feign interest in cats, have a job with a viable future, know the person for 10 years and run into them at a party or bar by chance and get them really drunk and concoct a faux history in which you had a crush on them for all these years, create an elaborate web of lies that disarms said person and has them fall in love with this imaginary version of you that may or may not be a race car driver or movie producer, and/or start and maintain a 2000 plus word a day blog about a young Hollywood starlet which by sheer accident becomes mildly popular and for many unknown reasons these readers find whatever idiocy you write to be alluring and attractive so you leave clues telling them who you are and where you live and then you outright just tell them who you are and where you live and this is when you begin to have faith in an all knowing all powerful deity above who you pray to nightly and make sacrifices to that one or some or all of these readers will just track you the fuck down and give you the “sexy eyes” and lead you into a set of bushes.

Anyway, my point is that Alby is now a sexual temptress.


Yeah. Oh yeah. I am so glad 24 is on TV again. I and Dawgz (you make the English language what you will) came close to overdosing on 24 on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. We watched Sunday’s 2 hour episode and then went right into watching Monday’s 2 hour episode. FOUR HOURS OF JACK BAUER! Talk about greatest MLK Day ever! This is the 8th season of 24. This show could honestly go on for another 12 and it would be perfectly fine with me. Pretty much every season is the same, Jack Bauer fucks shit up and saves the day.

There are two great misconceptions about 24. #1 – People think they need to have seen the previous seasons or need to watch every episode to keep up with the show. FALSE! You need to do neither. Sure you’ll be confused about a whole litany of things and if you miss an episode you probably will miss a plot point or two, but WHO FUCKING CARES! IT IS JACK BAUER FUCKING DUDES UP! I don’t care about any of the plots from any of the seasons. Frankly, I’m barely paying attention to what people are saying in almost every episode. Politics, homeland security, terrorism, interrogation, constantly moving satellites, cell phones, blue tooth headsets, whatever. I zone out a lot while watching 24. Any scene with Elisha Cuthbert I zone out because I can’t focus on her words because I think she is so hot. But it doesn’t matter because her character never says or does anything that matters. What matters is JACK BAUER FUCKING DUDES UP! And you don’t have to speak English or even have the volume on at all to understand that when Jack Bauer is fucking dudes up that JACK BAUER IS FUCKING DUDES UP!

#2 – “The show has gotten worse.” These people are idiots. The first season of 24 was probably the worst acted and had the lowest production design of all of the seasons. The second season probably was the “best” season as far as acting, storyline, action, bad guy and so forth. But the first season rocked. the third season rocked, and the fourth, and the fifth… Do you know why? Because JACK BAUER FUCKS DUDES UP IN EACH SEASON! If the show was getting progressively worse than this season, the 8th, should be terrible, right? Do you know how Jack Bauer killed his first, of many many many many many many, bad guy? With an axe. A FUCKING AXE! He waited around the corner. The guy comes walking around that corner. He was probably thinking “I wonder where that little spiky blonde Irish guy went with that satchel”. Then he noticed that the fireman’s axe on the wall next to the emergency fire hose was not there. At this point he was thinking “Well that’s odd. I guess this apartment building’s property owner does not do a good job because that is a safety violation not having the proper fire safety equipment available on each floor. I wonder if- AND THEN JACK BAUER ATTACKED HIM IN THE CHEST WITH AN AXE!

Oh man! Jack baseball bat swings the axe blade first into the guy’s chest. This knocks the guy’s partner over the staircase railing where he proceeds to smash his head on every railing for 10 floors. So needless to say the 8th season of 24 rocks. And I have not even mentioned that for whatever reason Freddie Prinze Jr. is on the show this season. The title of this post is in reference to his character’s name “Agent Cole Ortiz”. Not to sound completely cynical, but there is no Hispanic or Latin person on this planet named “Cole Ortiz”. I think they probably had the character’s name as “Cole” and then the producers or the network got together and thoughtthey had too many white people on the show, so they spiced up Freddie’s last name with “Ortiz” to give him a more ethnic flare. I have no facts to back this up, but I’m making that blanket statement that there is no “Cole Ortiz” who walks the Earth. Neptune? Maybe. Earth? No.

24 is pure entertainment. I watch it, Dick Cheney watches it, Troy Aikman watches it, Sarah Vowell watches it. It is a ridiculous show from top to bottom – you have former agents cutting off a guy’s hand, bombs and rocket launchers exploding, guys getting stabbed in the neck with a pen, the Russian Mob, Arab terrorists, a woman President – I mean the show is just pure fantastical fun.


I have to mention one other thing I found disturbing on television: a Microsoft Windows 7 commercial. There are several of them and I guess they are all “disturbing” in their own ways, but the most disturbing one is the guy with the glasses walking around his house talking about the “snap into place” feature if you’re working on two windows at once. In the commercial the guy is walking around his house and we run across his wife near the end of the commercial. It is this couple:

Is anyone else seeing this? This guy is like 2 feet taller than his wife. What the hell is Microsoft trying to say in this commercial? This is not a real couple. They are two actors who they are pretending are a married couple. Someone went out of their way to find a guy who appears to be like 6’5” and a girl who appears to be about 4’10” to be “husband and wife”. I’m trying to learn about the new Windows 7 software, but all I can think of is “that guy must destroy her” or “they must have a step ladder in their bedroom”. Destroy is an ambitious term considering I don’t know what he is packing, but needless to say if they are having sex she cannot be seen. He must envelope her. She is not standing up straight, which is helping no one, but even if standing up straight she doesn’t even come up to his shoulder. And that guy looks tall, but he isn’t Patrick Ewing, seriously who is though. Also by the look of this guy, he is hairy. Lord knows that dude is hairy. Back hairy.

I just feel uncomfortable knowing that Microsoft is making me picture these two in particular having weird height, body mass, and back hair ratio sex together.

I’m just saying she is probably standing on a set of steps used by household pets to get onto and off of a couch and he is hairy and sweaty and three times the size of her and leaning on her and those steps are not meant to be used for those situations, they have a weight, sweat, and body hair limit.

Or he is on top and you can’t see her and it looks like he is making love to the bed.

Or she is on top and it looks like an X-rated fanfiction version of Gulliver’s Travels.

Or he is standing and at first he is holding her up by his waist because her feet are close to 2 feet from touching the ground, but he doesn’t have the muscle tone to hold her there for too long, so they buy a baby bjorn and she just slides into that and then the Devil, El Diablo, comes and takes my soul as well as everyone else’s who found this idea funny.


31 Responses to “There is no one on this planet named Cole Ortiz”

  1. Zees84 said

    No one is going to believe me as I write this, but when you revealed yourself to your readers, I thought it was about getting more Facebook friends. It never crossed my mind that you actually wanted someone to show up at your place of residence to give you sexy eyes and bush action*.

    I’m 5’2 and hubby is 6’1. That’s not the same difference as the Microsoft couple, but close enough. I watched us getting down to bidness last night in the mirror, and FYI, the height difference is fine. So you can tell that 4’10” chick that you are a race car driver and/or movie producer without fear of what you as a couple will look like fucking. Just make sure she’s not Snooki.

    • PWG said

      If I could embed pictures in my comments, you’d get five Captains/Tolstoys right here, Zees. It’s the highest honor I can bestow.

  2. PWG said

    I just did my “I’m swamped at work, but I have to run over to KSWI and do a quick scan anyway, and then I’ll go back later” drive-by. And I am quietly vibrating in my chair with laughter. I’m also going to Hell for laughing so much over the Baby Bjorn visual, can I sit next to you on the plane? I’m small, I won’t take up much of your personal space. We might, in fact, look like that couple up there. Except on a plane ride to visit Satan.

  3. Lala said

    First of all, the “Cole Ortiz” thing is completely possible. I met people named Kellan Silva or Patrick Coelho – first name is true, I just changed the last names. Seriously.
    And I thought the baby bjorn idea funny too.

  4. Well, the good news (or maybe bad news, depends on how you look at it and if you really meant what you said about your commenters finding you) is that you’re going to have a lot of company on your way to hell. I didn’t just laugh at it, I had the same thoughts about that commercial the first time I saw it (and every time since). I didn’t take it all the way to the baby bjorn, but I shared the same concerns as you. I tried to tell someone about them. They laughed a little, but I think they really just wanted me to shut up. So if it was an original idea, and not something we just laughed at, does that mean we end up in the further recesses of hell? Bummer.

    And “ditto” for literally everything you just said about 24. Including how you watched it as a mini-marathon. God bless MLK first for letting me sleep in, and then for allowing me the luxury of wasting half of my evening rotting on my couch watching Jack Bauer kick all sorts of terrorist ass. I also assumed the Cole Ortiz name was an attempt to diversify/cover their asses after casting Dough Hutchison as a Hispanic man. I mean, I don’t know his ethnic background, but I’m like 99% positive he’s probably just British or something. I’m not going to do any research to back this up… making assumptions always works out reeeaaallllyyy well for me.

    • Err… it’s recently been brought to my attention that Doug Hutchison’s character might actually be Russian? I guess I zone out a lot during 24 too, though not because of Elisha Cuthbert. That and his accent is seriously the worst Russian accent I’ve ever heard, and that statement is based on having never heard a Russian accent outside of the movies, so obviously I know what I’m talking about.

      Totally unnecessary for me to say all of this, but it would bug me otherwise. You can all return to ignoring me/not caring.

  5. Crystal said

    First of all….if I was a braver sexier bitch I would hunt you down in June when I’ll be in NYC and give you some sexy eyes. But alas, I’m not…so I wont.

    Secondly; I love Matthew Lillard. You forgot to mention SCREAM…the greatest movie of all time. Yes, I actually feel that way. Suck it if you disagree.

    And lastly, I’ve known several couples where the guy is over 6 foot and the girl is barely 5 foot. It annoys me incredibly being 5’9” and being stuck dating guys who are just barely 5’8”. Come on people. This is one time where I’ll request we date our own “kind”. If you are tall you should date taller people, and vice versa.

    But that’s just my opinion. And we all know what that’s worth.

    I don’t watch Football, Big Love, or 24 so I have nothing to say regarding that. But I was entertained even though I was kind of last as well. Smiley Face.

  6. MLF said

    “So far, no one has taken Brooking’s side on this. Mostly because Troy Aikman, who was commentating the game and is the face of the 3 Superbowl winning Cowboy teams, immediately said that if Brooking didn’t like it then he should have stopped it from happening and played defense. I agree.”

    ditto. Out of this entire post I think that was actually my favorite part. I rarely watch sports but when I do it is because I want to see athletes kicking ass. I don’t want to watch people sucking (on the field…uh…nevermind.) I want to see them kicking ass and being awesome and making beautiful plays. If I wanted to watch people suck at playing football I would go outside and videotape myself and watch that. And I definitely don’t want to hear any whiny comments about why they lost or why they suck or how the ref’s weren’t fair. I just want to see them kicking ass dammit.

    Also I hadn’t seen that Window 7 commercial but from that screencap shot of that guy and his “wife” the only thing I can think about is not the mechanics of how they fuck but instead how that guy’s head is hugely unproportional to his forearms/hands. He has this humongous head and then these tiiiiny leetle hands. Like Reptar. I want to see him put down that laptop and stomp around his house acting like a dinosaur.

  7. Zees84 said

    I just posted the same comment twice because it didn’t show up the first time. Then the second one didn’t post either. Don’t know if this one will show up either.

    Did Jordan get mad at me for suggesting he would try and fuck someone under 5’5?

  8. Julienne said

    Although I am not a watcher of 24 or Big Love, I am however a Vikes fan so I loved watching them kick the Cowboy’s ass all over the field on Sunday!! Needless to say however I am a bit concerned over this weekend’s game against the Saints. Please say you’ll be rooting for Favre and the guys, KSWIJ!

    Oh, and I make it a rule never to date anyone shorter than me (I’m 5’5″). Taller than me by 2′? Bring it.

  9. Zees84 said

    You had to google “Baby Bjorn” right? You knew it wasn’t “Baby Harnessy Thing” wasn’t the right term?

    Please tell me this is true, because if you are a 26 year old man bear who will feign interest in cats to try and get laid, I wouldn’t put it past you to know about things like Baby Bjorns.

    Tell me you looked it up, Baby BJordan….

  10. McDamy said

    Steeler fans should automatically HATE the Ravens (can’t argue with Ed Reed however and I hate the ‘U’)! As a Dol-fan I hate the Jets (so we agree on that bigtime).

  11. Forgetful Lucy said

    I’m all kerbabbled. It’s like downpour raining here. The streets are flooding, I’m soaked from attempting to go get lunch. There is actually a TORNADO WARNING(!). The news said it would rain, and there are bozos walking around in flip-flops. I feel like a wet cat. I do not want this.

    I’ve never seen 1 minute of 24 or Big Love. I really like Bobby Lee’s 24 bit on MadTV. He mostly naps, not too much fucking shit up going on.

    For some reason I really loved your ‘things Alby didn’t have to do to get laid’ run-on sentence. I wish someone would pretend to like Twilight and buy shit for me. Although I recently learned all it really takes is a few shots of Johnnie Walker, a few beers, a round of beer pong, and we’re in love. If you want your readers to find you to make the sexy eyes, you could probably mention which bar/event you will be at and see what happens. I would be there if I could, but I can’t, which really sucks ass.

    “..but he doesn’t have the muscle tone to hold her there for too long..”, Isn’t that what counter tops are for?

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      Ok, I’m a liar. I just realized I have seen a minute of 24, maybe 2. How else would I know “Chloe- Maximize”?

    • I have a theory that scotch/whisky is like Ecstasy in liquor form. Drink enough of it, and everyone’s in love. Or at least making out. But this only holds true for the ladies. Seems like most guys just get angry or barf.

      P.S. You don’t want a guy that pretends to like Twilight. And Jordan, you shouldn’t be pretending to like Twilight. You’re all dating the wrong people if you’re all pretending to like things. Besides, in my (possibly warped) mind, it’s much hotter knowing that your guy is gracefully suffering through something just to spend time with you. Keyword, of course, being “gracefully”. And then you thank him later for being so kind. Everyone wins!

      P.P.S. Don’t get too wet out there.*

  12. cledbo said

    Two of my married colleagues have the creepy Windows 7 height difference, though the guy isn’t as weird looking as the Windows 7 man, and the girl is way cuter, like a munchkin. I try not to think that way about my colleagues, though, so you’ve just taken awkward at work to a whole new level for me. He’s 6’3 or 6’4, and she’s shorter than me, maybe 5’2? Anyway, thank you for disturbing visuals. No bush sex for you, mister.

    Not that I feel the need to make good on any in-your-end-os I might make around here; I joined the damn Facebook group, so unless you’re willing to spring for a long-haul flight to JFK (plus expenses), you’re going to have to do all the things normal people do to get “sexy eyes” looking in their direction.
    Hell, I’ve been pseudo-married for 5 years, I don’t get sexy eyes from anyone but myself any more.
    Hah who am I kidding, I don’t have time for fake sex, let alone real sex, or at a major stretch, sex I have to travel across the International Date Line for!

    Now I really want some though*. The only thing I should be wanting at 9am is a coffee.

    See you all in Hell!

  13. Amy D said

    I’ve already got property right off of Lake Eternal Fire, so you all are more than welcome to come on over for a roast and toast getting to know each other type of function.

    Oh – and Jordan, I’m 5’1″ – Just sayin….

  14. CamboD said

    Here’s huzzah for being a guy of average height! I can go both taller and shorter, but obviously not midgets or a female basketballer. I have a friend who has this big thing for chicks taller than him. He went to a womens basketball convention once, by accident and he was in heaven. And he is a quite a tall guy, at least 6ft.
    I am back, btw. But this time, I am in New York. America, baby. Not the city, though. Out on Long Island at the State University of New York. It looks like fun.
    By the way, Jordan, the Jets? Totally my team for the playoffs now. Sorry, but I cannot take back cheering for them in a bar with a group of happy American strangers on my second night. If the Steelers had still been there, or the Cardinals hadn’t lost to fucking Miami then maybe things would have been different, but they arent so thats that and we’ll all just have to move on.

    Also how good was 24? Jack fucked that dude up with the axe so good. He killed two terrorists with one AXE BLOW. HOLY SHIT. And he killed a world class Russian asasian. But what happened to Chloe? When has she ever been slow on things? Chloe is like a fucking computer super hero. Also, Mary Lynn Raskub was in Dude Where’s My Car? which I watched at some point yesterday. WTF?
    And whats with Starbuck from battlestar, ummm Tricia Helfer-Dana Walsh? Her storyline better be important.
    Also, even with the hand amputation thing she did I think the chick who plays Renee Walker is super hot. I was so jazzed when I saw she was gonna be back in it.

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