To: Kesha/Ke$ha – You Are Pretty – From: KSWI Jordan

January 21, 2010

Yesterday’s post was a revealing one. I have been suffering from cold sweats, panic attacks, shortness of breath and vivid hallucinations of dragonflies with grapefruit sized vaginas singing “Under the Sea”. Today will be a far less stressful endeavor into comedy for me. Instead of psychoanalyzing myself for any latent homosexuality tendencies, I will instead continue with topics that are reverently heterosexual like dancey bullshit pop music. This post will focus on me breaking down the artistic wonder that is Kesha also known as Ke$ha and her soul searching symphony “Tik Tok”. 

This is not the first time I have deconstructed a pop single phenomenon. On my previous website, What Gloom, my song of choice was “Love in the Club” by Usher.  If I remember correctly, it was received very well by the four people who read it. I think all of them gave it a “thumbs up” or “yeah, it’s pretty funny” or “I skimmed it” or “you should really write professionally, son.” Yep, those were the reviews. The last review was from my mother who calls me “son” and I call her “mawh” and we live in the middle of a perpetual dust storm in the 1930’s. 

Why “Tik Tok”? 

The song is the biggest. The last week of 2009, “Tik Tok” sold 610,000 digital downloads, which is the highest selling female artist single since the internet began tracking this in 2003. It is the second most sold song online since 2003 behind “Right Round” by Flo Rida, which, coincidence be gone, she is the chick doing the female vocals in that song as well. All told, the song “Tik Tok” has been bought and paid for online 2,440,000 times, which is CRAZY because I was under the impression everyone knew music was free to download. Why are people paying for it? And roughly 2.5 million people! That’s everybody and Al Qaeda downloading this song with their credit cards in hand. 

I know I have heard the song on the radio more than I can count at this point. It was questioned yesterday what radio stations I listen to that enable me the honor of listening to Real McCoy yesterday. I have six FM presets: 89.5 (metal/hard rock), 101.9 (alt rock), 92.3 (dance/pop), 97.1 (supposedly hip hop, but it really is just commercials and shit), 103.5 (no idea), 104.3 (classic rock). It was preset #5 (103.5) that had Real McCoy on it, I’m not sure what their target audience is. Usually they are on commercials, but I’ve heard everything from “world music” to “Bob Marley” (which is more “world music” than “world music” is “world music” anyway) to “Real McCoy”, obviously. 

Preset #3 (92.3) used to be KROQ or K-Rock or commercial hard rock like Green Day et cetera. They had been around forever, but last year or so they folded and a dance/pop music station took over. It is not like there are a ton of radio stations out there that play good music, so I kept 92.3 in my rotation. This has given me the privilege to hear and know all Beyonce, Britney Spears, Pussycat Dolls, Lil’ Wayne and all the other great artists of this awful period in time. 

Anyway, let’s talk about Kesha or Ke$ha who I’m going to call Kesha because I don’t feel hitting [shift]+[4] every time I write her name. Kesha is 22 from Los Angeles and grew up in Nashville. I could be mean and say something like she’s a blonde valley bimbo raised in a trailer, but what would be the point in that? She seems perfectly nice on the surface. And by that I mean she is a pretty blonde with a great body and hopefully sooner than later some 15 year old Chinese kid will crack her iPhone and all her naked pictures she takes of herself out at the clubs kissing her girlfriends because that’s “girls being girls” will be posted on the internet for my and yours and Al Qaeda’s viewing pleasure. 

I read her oddly long biography on Wikipedia, she is 22! And here are the highlights: her mom is a singer and songwriter and encouraged Kesha with her dreams, her family hosted Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton on The Simple Life and Nicole Richie actually hung up on a music producer who was trying to get in touch with Kesha about her demos, she wanted Prince to producer her album (yeah and everyone else), she broke into his house, she was supposed to sing the background vocals on a Paris Hilton song and ended up throwing up in her closet, but it doesn’t mention if she sang the vocals or not, she’s appeared on a whole bunch of songs that are popular, didn’t get paid for “Right Round” and didn’t want to appear in the video for “Right Round” because it wouldn’t mesh with her “image”. I’m sorry, WTF? Appearing in the video for the most popular song on Earff would probably only push the “image” that you are successful in the music industry currently. I’m not going to argue though. 

Enough prelude. “Tik Tok” by Kesha. 

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy 

Already, I am on the same page as Kesha. A little subtext for this ground breaking simile lyric, apparently she lives/lived in a house with a bunch of other young beautiful girls who want to be pop singers as well. So she would wake up every morning to a revolving door of young beautiful model like girls walking around. This is exactly like my life minus the revolving door of hot girls who sing falsetto. Both Kesha and I continue to wake up in the morning and our first thoughts are of Sean John Combs. 


(Hey, what up girl?)
 

Yes?

Put my glasses on, I’m out the door – I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
 

I agree Kesha. You definitely want to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack before you go out because who knows when you’ll get that opportunity to brush them with bourbon later in the day. In all seriousness, I do not brush my teeth with Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whisky. I pretty much always use “water” and “toothpaste”. My question, is the Jack Daniel’s sour mash whisky a substitute for the water, the toothpaste or both the water and the toothpaste? 


I’m talking – pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite cds
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy
 

“Pedicure on our toes, toes”? Miss Obvious, everyone! Give me some credit, Kesha. I know where the pedicure goes. I did take two years of Latin – “ped” means foot and “icure” means Korean woman with a nail file. I don’t try on all my clothes, but I’m pretty familiar with the other four activities. I usually have MEN calling and not “boys” calling me, but both sets of males do want to get us drunk. For her it is to try and date rape her probably, where as for me it is to get us drunk enough to forget our youth is dying everyday and we are becoming bored and complacent with our lives and because sports are much more fun to watch when drunk. Music, parties, getting “tipsy”- sure. 


[CHORUS]
Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
 

I love the “woah-oh oh oh” noise. I find it audibly mesmerizing. As far as “I’mma fight ‘Till we see the sunlight”, uhhh go have fun with that. My fighting days are way behind me. One thing you learn from watching fights all the time is you don’t want to be in one. Especially one that has no referee or judges’ table. Also, for guys fighting has gotten exponentially scarier. It used to be that if you got into a fight with some dude, it was just that – “some dude”. Now it is a purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu who has a background in collegiate wrestling and is starting to take Muay Thai on his “off days”. It used to be the nothing special looking asshole at the bar who winks at your girl was just some cubicle drone and a fight with him was no more intense than a playground scuffle in elementary school. Now, that nothing special asshole is a mini-Chuck Norris and he is going to drop you with a flying knee and then reverse heal hook you until your shin bone snaps in half. So no fighting for me. I’m like Switzerland nowadays at a bar.

[Chorus]
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
 

Uh huh, #4 on the KSWI “A List of Men Over 60 Years Old Women Would F@#K”. I’m a damn prophet. Mick Jagger is 66 and Kesha is 22 and I AM ALWAYS CORRECT! 

A quick “chicken or the egg” quandary: 

Does Kesha “ain’t got a care in the world” because she has “plenty of beer”? Or does Kesha have “plenty of beer” because she “ain’t got a care in the world”? Is her drunkenness causing her to forget her problems? Or does she have no problems because she is always drunk and thus has removed herself of any and all societal obligations being a hobo wino? 

I’m talking about – everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

This seems like a double standard. Kesha clearly wants everybody to get “crunk”. But if a guy gets too “drunk” then she is going to “smack him”. What is it you want, Kesha? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t expect a guy who is getting crunk to not get too drunk and try to touch your junk. That is just common knowledge. 

Also, I am assuming “junk” is referring to her ass. I think it is hopefully safe to say “junk” is referring to “junk in the trunk” and all this means is her supple ass. Or she has a penis. Generally speaking, I don’t think Kesha has a penis. Also I don’t like girls referring to their “situation” as “junk” or their ass as “junk” without using the entire phrase of “junk in the trunk”. I feel like it is more a fault of an unfortunate rhyming sequence where “crunk” and “drunk” worked so perfectly together and for timing’s sake “junk” was used without the “in the trunk”. So just around me at least, refrain from using “junk” to refer to your butt or vagina because it will confuse me into thinking you have a penis. Unless you have a penis then please feel free to refer to your junk as your junk. 

Now, now – we goin’ til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us –
 

This just seems like a hostile ultimatum Kesha and her friends are giving the bar or club owners. Either physically remove a series of young drunk females from the bar yourselves or call the police to do so. Whoever actually does the removal process will be left with scratches regardless of height, age, sex, or authority. Girls scratch. They also will bite and probably pull hair and kick and throw drinks and do anything, but go peacefully. 

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
 

I really don’t want the DJ to literally blow up my speakers. I’m lazy and if you do blow up my speakers it will take forever for me to replace them. I go to work, I go home and there are things I want to accomplish that I push until the weekend, but then I end up drinking or playing video games or watching sports. So leave my speakers alone. Play it loud, sure. But not loud enough that anything will break.

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh 

Plus, why are we using my speakers? If anything the bar or the club should have a stereo system of some sort. If that is not the case then you as the disc jockey should have been prepared with your own audio equipment. How did I get roped into bringing my speakers to this place? Whose asinine idea was it for me to bring my speakers from home to a bar or club? And don’t break them. I must have a lot of faith in you as a DJ to allow you to use my speakers and don’t go dissolving that trust by damaging my speakers. At this point, I am just uncomfortable about the whole idea of you using my speakers for commercial purposes. Just give them back to me.

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You gotta that sound
Yea, you got me
 

Sounds like a Christian revival or something. 

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
Get your hands up
Put your hands up
 

I’ll put my hands up if everyone else does. Deal? I’m not going to be the only one standing there with their hands up looking like an idiot. It will be like giving a standing ovation. If I see a dozen people stand-up then sure I’ll go along with it. I’m not starting the standing ovation though. At best, I’ll do the lean to the edge of my seat move where you clap extra loud in anticipation of the standing ovation. I’m just saying this is my commitment level to putting my hands up.

No, the party don’t start until I walk in 

The party “doesn’t” start until you walk in, sure. I guess I can see that. Kesha is a pretty young blonde who brushes her teeth with a brown 80 proof liquor, has no job or money, is a free spirit, is expecting to fist fight someone(s), has no intention of hooking up with any guys and is fully prepared to be dragged kicking and screaming out of said party by the police. Why did we invite Kesha again?  

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh 
 

Oh right! She does that “Woah-oh oh oh” thing. It sincerely is captivating. Hopefully she blesses us with it one more time.

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh 
 

And she did. So, I feel like I’ve learned a lot and nothing. I’m not sure what conclusion I can draw from these lyrics. It seems like a fairly unhealthy lifestyle Kesha is living. Maybe she has a detox day every week where she takes sea salt baths, drinks only fruit juice mixed with Fiber One, and eats leafy green salads with grilled chicken and a sprits of lemon zest and then goes to bed early after reading another thoughtful and inspiring and homo-erotic section of Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass”. 

Sure, why not? Then the other 6 days of the week she gets retard drunk on cheap booze and cock teases some roided up guidos until a cop drags her out of the club by her hair and throws her into the drunk tank to sleep it off while she pisses herself because she can’t control her bladder from a combination of infections because of her terrible hygiene and her kidneys are shot from filtering whisky 144 hours a week. Aggressive Thursday? 

Leave questions for Friday, please.

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55 Responses to “To: Kesha/Ke$ha – You Are Pretty – From: KSWI Jordan”

  1. Zees84 said

    For the record, I read your “Love in this Club” entry quite awhile ago, and thought it was brilliant. I didn’t comment though, because, really, what kind of weirdo would I be if I commented on blogs……wait….

    I’m thinking up questions besides “Why Baby BJordan, WHY?”. I’ll check back in later.

    P.S. Tik Tok will be the Satisfaction of its time. That is a lie, but my little girl dances to it all day long, and now that I have listened to the “junk” that Music Together wants her to learn…I’m ok with her being into shitty pop music. Better than John the Rabbit. Which I always sing as John the Baptist. My rabbi would be proud. Both of that and my comments on this blog.

    • Zees84 said

      The first thirty or so times that I heard this song, I thought the singer was foreign. Really, I thought she was from whatever country MIA is from.

      • That would be England. Exotic, I know.

      • Zees84 said

        not Indonesia? Fuck, I owe somebody $20.

      • Well, she’s Sri Lankan… if that helps. But she’s no more “from” Sri Lanka than I am “from” Scotland. Or that Jordan’s hairy nemesis from New Year’s was “from” NYC. Apparently.

      • Zees84 said

        Here’s a question, Jordan:

        Can you graph your hairiness in relation to your’s nemesis’ hairiness?

        I think that would be a fun throwback to the good old days before we could just look at pictures of you.

      • campbelld said

        MIA is a Sri Lankan Tamil and she is not allowed in a whole bunch of countries because she is (proudly) affilitied with a group of people that are often considered terrorists. Hows THAT for gangsta?

  2. PWG said

    Oh my God, Jordan, I’m so proud of you right now. Like I want to show you off to other people proud.

  3. Zees84 said

    We know that Ke$ha wants to drink and fight and party, but does she want IT?

  4. campbelld said

    You have found my secret love, Jordan; deconstructions of pop songs, especially those which are nonsensical or highly implausible. By the way, I would love to see those words in a dancey crappy pop song.They would be a lot of fun to get crunk to.
    I have no idea what the word crunk means. I am not sure I care to know.
    Also I love when ultra mainstream pop music people wont do things for their image. Excuse me? If you were a young indie songtress, or a punk band, or even someone still flirting with being nothing more than a mainstream product llike Coldplay, then I would get not wanting to be in a Flo Rider video becuase it could hurt your image. If you were Regina Spector, or Alkaline Trio, then it would be perfectly understandable and I would be disapionted in you for doing guest vocals on a Flo Rida song. But Ke$ha? YOU DO THE SAME MUSIC!
    Sorry, rant over.
    You oughta write professionally, son.

    • campbelld said

      Also questions! Why do you not have an archive? It would make reading/finding old post way easier.
      I am looking to eat some awesome American fast food, where do I go?
      Do you like the Big Lebowski and if so, have you read this, which is one of the most amazing things ever.
      http://www.runleiarun.com/lebowski/

  5. I’ve never heard this song. It sounds like I might despise it… OR, I might love it. Since “Right Round” is quite possibly one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures. It was playing in the cafeteria today during lunch, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t rap quietly along to it in line at the salad bar. Why they were playing it, I don’t know… But is it more or less bizarre than “Let’s Get It On”, which was blaring while I got my coffee this morning? And the cover of Celine Dion’s “Power of Love” that followed? That’s not for me to say.

    I never listen to the radio. I’m all iPod all the time. I find new music through recommendations of friends. Or apparently through this blog, because lately I can’t stop listening to Lady GaGa. Were it not for you posting that Bad Romance video a few weeks/months ago, I would never ever have downloaded her albums. Now? I seethe with self-loathing every time I listen to her. Which is daily. But it’s so damn catchy that I can’t help it.

    Oh, and PWG – don’t forget that it’s now acceptable to refer to your tiny penis as your “tiny junk”, as the Almighty KSWI Jordan has deemed it so. Now if he could just be clearer on what slang for vagina is considered kosher in these parts, we’d be all set. I’m a fan of vagoo and bajingo as of late, so hopefully those pass. Maybe I’ll just refer from talking about my lady-bits so as not to offend anyone. That seems like the most mature option. And if there is one thing I am, it’s mature.

    • Another thing I am? Illiterate. “Refer” should be “refrain” – as that makes way more sense. I will refrain from talking about my lady-bits. I will not refer to them as “junk”.

    • tiffanized said

      To give you an idea of the stupid levels achieved by this song, the first two times I heard it I thought it was a joke, or a parody. It’s like someone gave the mic to Becky’s friend from “Baby Got Back” who doesn’t understand ‘those rap guys’.

    • PWG said

      Frankly I’ll take vagina over “lady-bits.” That reminds me of Bac-O-Bits, and while I love bacon and have nothing against vaginas (currently*) I don’t think the two should mix.

      • tiffanized said

        Ahh, I’m having a flashback from a drunken webcam session in which I was talking about the make of car I was planning to buy–a Volvo. Except I was calling it my Vulva. “How many people can I get in my Vulva?” “How often should I put oil in my Vulva?” “Does your Vulva have a leather interior?” “What can I do to put you in a Vulva today?” Really, the possibilities were endless. The next day my Twitter was full* of Vulva/Volvo references.

        By the way, I bought a Jeep, not nearly as hilarious.

      • Ah, I was wondering what the rash of “vulva-isms” in my Twitter stream was all about…

        That sounds really gross, yes? Yes.

        Congrats on the new whip, or whatever clever team the kids are using these days. Sorry, I don’t listen to that noise they call music and I’m not down with the hip-hop lingo.

      • Zees84 said

        “my Twitter was full*” is genius.

  6. MLF said

    I have so many questions.

    1- Where are Ke$sha’s parent’s? because seriously- who taught her it is ok to skip brushing her teeth and instead just chug Jack from the bottle? Infact I also want to know who told her it is ok to drink Jack before noon. Beer- ok fine. Especially tailgating or pregaming or for any good reason realy, and hey, It’s five o’clock somewhere, but Jack? No wonder she puked in Paris’ closet, you need eggs in the morning not whiskey!

    2- Who the eff thought up that name? Is that her real name? And if it is, again, what the fuck were her parent’s thinking? Is that name even legal? Can names include dollar signs?? Could I name my kid @$h!ey ?

    3- What is with the shredded pants? What is the point? They clearly would not keep you warm, what with all the holes from the shredding, and if you aren’t wearing pants to be warm why the eff would you not just wear shorts?!

    For the record, I love that song. I downloaded it ages ago, illegally of course. I can’t believe people actually download things legally, that’s just crazy talk. And I also think she is quite pretty. But seriously I want to give her a make over. Glitter lipstick and shredded pants… no. just no.

    • MLF said

      Also today I saw a Wheaties Fuel box that had just a picture of Peyton Manning’s face on it, have you seen that? I just tried to google image search it and I’m not finding it so maybe that was the back of the box..but there was a whole display and I find it odd that someone would arrange the entire display with every box facing backwards….unless it was some guy like you who happens to love Peyton Manning and then it makes perfect sense.

    • campbelld said

      I know a girl who (either calls herself or legal name, I don’t know) La-a.
      It is prounced Ladasha.
      WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?

      • PWG said

        Is that your Friday question? Because now I have one. My 6-year old was reading Horton Hears a Who yesterday, and told me conversationally that Horton was like a black man. I made this face: o_O
        at him, and he told me it’s because the other residents of the Jungle of Nool didn’t respect Horton’s claim that he could hear Whos on a speck . . . you know, the way white Americans didn’t always respect the civil rights of black Americans during Dr. Martin Luther King’s era. Do I:

        a) Give the little dude props for thinking about what he learned about Dr. King and race relations last week, and trying to integrate the message into his worldview?

        b) Gently explain that black Americans weren’t exactly the Rodney Dangerfields of our country’s history?

        c) Drink more?

        I’m thinking d) All of the above.

      • Zees84 said

        you know about shithead right?

        Pronounced Shih-theeed…

        My friend actually had that kid as a camper one summer.

      • PWG said

        I once met a Wendy Bottoms.

      • Zees84 said

        We got a donation here in honor of Tolstoy P. Beard.

        What an unfortunate/hilarious name.

        Wink Wink

      • kt said

        OOO what about the twins Lemonjello and Orangejello pronounced La-MON-ja-low and Or-AHN-ja-low. Classic.

      • Zees84 said

        The Jay Leno (when he was less controversial and more successful ratings-wise) of Israel is named Guy Pines. Pronounced Pee-nehs. Penis.

        Years ago, Julia Roberts participated in a press junket where she was interviewed by him. On camera, he introduced himself to her for the first time, at which point she burst out laughing. For a significant amount of time. When she finally calmed down, she said, “Well, i guess it’s better than Guy Vagina.”

    • Susanelle said

      Pants on the ground
      Pants on the ground
      Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground

      With the gold in your mouth
      Hat turned sideways
      Pants hit the ground
      Call yourself a cool cat
      Lookin’ like a fool
      Walkin’ downtown with your pants on the ground

  7. Crystal said

    I could punch you in the face.

    I hate that song so much. It gets stuck in my head and I just…hate it. I had to take a break from this comment and go grab a file and the whole time I was singing, “Tik Tok on the clock….” Lame.

    But I’m not really that angry because your post was hilarious. I think you are funny.

    So, my question for tomorrow is: Will you please write a post not about this song?

    I think it’s an easy one. Sarcastic face.

  8. kt said

    I love this song, and your breakdown of it. Except for the line about Mick Jagger, because I would kick anyone to the curb that looked like Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger is not hot, in fact he has a kinda creepy cokehead vibe going on in my opinion. Even young Mick Jagger is not attractive. He was all big lips and skin and bones. I don’t get it.

    Outside of why Mick Jagger is attractive to some, I need to figure out when I decided pop music was good. I used to be such a music snob and I don’t know when that changed, but Britney’s 3 is possibly my favorite song to come out in 2009. Was there some point in the past 3? 4? years when pop music made a turn for the better? Or is it just as bad as always and I’m just less of a snooty bitch? I don’t know.

    And I also can’t believe that people buy music legally still. I mean I guess my mom still does, but old people don’t listen to stuff like Kesha. People that are listening to Kesha grew up on the internet and should know how to find any music, book, or movie for free online, even the ones that aren’t released yet. I think the last actual CD I bought was freshman year of college… 5-6 years ago, and since I figured out how to stream movies in HD from my computer to the xbox360 to play on our big TV I’m pretty confident I won’t be buying as many DVD’s.

    • I’m part of the dying breed that buys music legally (not including the stuff I trade with friends… shh). I got tired of the shitty quality of the stuff I got for free and was too lazy to put in the effort to track down better stuff.

      So I guess it’s just me and the old people who are safe from Metallica’s anti-piracy wrath… Leave us and our legal Yanni downloads alone.

      That might be the most outdated joke I’ve made to date.

      • kt said

        Torrents. You need to download torrents. Not stuff from limewire or whatever other p2p things are still out there. You get a whole album, in cd quality, with the covers and track listings and everything. Plus it takes like 3 minutes, maybe to download the whole thing.

    • cledbo said

      I had the same pop music revelation last year too, which is weird.

      It’s like, from about 2001, new music on the radio just sucked donkey balls, but suddenly it’s nearing half decent again.

      No one can say they don’t boogie along to all the single ladies (all the single ladies!)

      • brandy said

        cledbo ~

        hi, i’m a daily reader and very rare commenter.

        that said, i have to say, I DO NOT boogie along to the single ladies song. in fact, i change the station as quickly as possible when i hear the first note of that ‘song’ and any other beyonce song for that matter.

        the single ladies song in particular is like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

        that episode of glee (the best show – ever) was particularly painful for me.

        so for the rant.

        aggressive thursdays, it is!

  9. Amy D said

    I hate that damn song violently. Up until this post I had not a clue what the lyrics were after waking up feeling… Her voice reminds me of Tigre and Bunny, who incidentally, like the boom. I rather be shot in my left foot than listen to either of those songs.

    Do you feel that we will ever again enter an age where there is decent music playing?? Or will the upcoming youth still make loads of money off shit that makes no sense and contains no message other than brush your teeth with bourbon??
    Oh, and how will the recent revelation of John Edward’s fathering his mistress’s child change the future Democratic landscape? Work with me, I had no real questions and I felt pressured to come up with something. It was either that or asking if you were familiar with the mating habits of the Western grey squirrel. Take your pick.

  10. Cristalena said

    is that simon rex in the car?!

    • Cristalena said

      also i’ve been reading this blog forever and that was officially my first comment…i’m disappointed.

      • Me too, Cristalena… me too. Better bring your A game tomorrow to make up for it.

        (I’m kidding, of course. Except about commenting tomorrow. Because you should do that.)

    • Zees84 said

      Omg, I love your comment, and I love your follow up comment.

      What the fuck took you so long?!?!

      (teehee, I never use that word in real life….)

      • Zees84 said

        I also am fascinated by the fact that after all the shit that has been discussed, both by the blogger and the common taters, that it was a possible Simon Rex sighting that brought you out of lurkdom.

        I think I love you.

      • Cristalena said

        the truth is you ladies scare the shit outta me with your witty what-nots.
        I fear a classic case of bitches hatin’ bitches.

        but then i remembered i’m a 19 yr. old tomboy who thinks she knows it all (i do, i have a vagina) so i figured i can hold my own.

      • Zees84 said

        I could see where the fear comes from. Not so much because of bitches hatin’ bitches.

        My personal fear comes from the amount of information about me and my penchant for perverse talk that y’all have over my head. I’m afraid I will be exposed.*

        So if you don’t mind waking up in a cold sweat because you had a dream that your boss or boyfriend or MOM found out where you spend a large portion of your day talking about skull fucking and word penises….then stick around!

        Uh…have a good night, everyone?

        ::backs away slowly::

      • cledbo said

        Zees – if it were legal and we both weren’t already attached, I would marry you and have your babies.

        The crazy has to escape somewhere, and better here than, you know, during a planning meeting or something, right? Right!?

  11. Zees84 said

    I am so nervous! I am working late today! The whole office is going to be empty, but for me and our security guard.

    At least the main switchboard is closed, and they pay for my dinner.

  12. cledbo said

    It’s days like this I wish I didn’t have two co-workers who came into work as early as me. Giggling like an idiot at 7:50am just makes me look like I’m on drugs.

    Speaking of Mick Jagger and his hot/not-ness, Mr Cledbo was watching a movie called Freejack, which had Emilio “don’t call me Sheen” Estevez in it, as well as MJ. IMDB says it was made in 1992, which I just realised is nearly 20 years ago and dear god do I feel old. Anyway, Mick was not hot. Rene Russo, however, was.

    Ke$hhhhha also makes me think of another MJ reference in a song which is a real favourite of mine: You Just Like Me ‘Cos I’m Good In Bed

    Damn straight.

    I must confess to loving that song as well, and it is 100% attributable to the Woah-oh-oh-oh noise.

    “Why did we invite Kesha again?” <— gold.

    Questions? Have you seen that Philip Seymour Hoffman movie which seems to be about him dying, and taking 2 decades to put on a musical? Wtf is that movie about? I am baffled.

  13. katarina said

    thank you for making me laugh this morning. Quite delightful

  14. amanda said

    research papers + skating + learning how to play guitar = im really busy.
    ps kesha is really pretty sometimes and really ugly other times.

  15. Danni said

    Omg. dude.
    i love you :L
    this made me lol, literally.
    GHAH YOUR AWESOM <333333333

  16. Thanks for the tip, Keep up the great work.

  17. Abby said

    This was the worst piece of shit I’ve ever read.

  18. elizabish said

    ” You can’t expect a guy who is getting crunk to not get too drunk and try to touch your junk. That is just common knowledge.”

    This made me break into a fit of LOLz. Well done.

  19. Kesha Tour said

    Yes Kesha is a little strange but she’s a great entertainer. Seeing her on the Kesha Tour which Kesha is headlining solo, will really test her staying power. We’ll be catching some of the Kesha concerts.

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