This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #15

January 22, 2010

What a wonderful week it has been. I ended last week with a list of 60 plus year old men that I believe women of all ages would sleep with. Monday I wrote a little about the greatness of Martin Luther King Jr. Tuesday I wrote about something probably. Wednesday was something else I’m guessing. And I definitely remember writing yesterday about an amusing topic. Why is it so difficult for me to remember what I’ve written about? Oh right. Yesterday was “Tik Tok”, Wednesday was the Rorschach inkblot test and Tuesday was wrap-up of the 3 day weekend. It doesn’t seem like any time passed for you, but it was a solid couple minutes for me. My weeks feel so drawn out that it does take me a minute or two to remember what I did during them.

Today, is the regularly scheduled weekly wrap-up. You the commenters have submitted questions and I will answer several of them. So here we go:

How could you make this list and NOT include Jack Nicholson (72), the consummate ladies’ man of several generations who is also FROM NEW JERSEY? Also, Buzz Aldrin, who will be 80 on the 20th and Neil Armstrong?

Which is similar to this…

I’m curious about how you came up with this list, though. Did you find a website of old actor pictures? Or were you two girls able to come up with a list of 50 old bangable men, you know, off the top of your heads?

First and foremost, we are not “girls”. We are “ladies”. Anyway, Dawgz and I thought of the list without any help from other websites minus Wikipedia, IMDB and Google Images. Wiki/IMDB helped with finding ages and whatever these men were doing currently. Google Images helped with finding “images” – who would’ve guessed? The list started when I pointed out in the comments section that actor, knight, war hero Christopher Lee at 88 years old should still be considered a sexually viable candidate. When I got home, I mentioned this to Dawgz that women were having trouble thinking of older men who they would fuck.

Dawgz and I began discussing this while watching Cheers re-runs. And immediately, Sam Malone aka Ted Danson is over 60 and women would fuck him. At this point the magic number of 60 was decided on and we started naming 60 year old men that we believe women would still get banged by. Around the fifth guy we named, I started writing them down. Around the 14th we started debating. One of us would throw out a name and the other wouldn’t be completely sold on him. Let’s use Jack Nicholson as an example. Jack looks pretty wild nowadays, he is crazy and getting crazier, and we don’t know how much he could really sweet talk a lady anymore.

Our candidates for men over 60 years old who women would fuck needed to pass a hypothetical scenario in our heads. Could Jack Nicholson pick up chicks at a bar? Outside of the “star fucking” idea or him having money to pay for it or anything – do we think women are really actively going after Jack Nicholson? We didn’t think so. Let’s say Jack Nicholson was at a bar or a party, would he be treated more like Leonardo DiCaprio or more like Donald Trump. Is he just a celebrity people want to meet and get a facebook picture with or is some lady going to try and fuck him in the bathroom and by “some lady” I mean a large percentage of the women at the party.

That is how we were approaching it. I think women want to meet Donald and Jack and I guess Buzz and Neil – but I do not think a large percentage of the female population is trying to get a hold of their wangers. That’s just my impression. I could be wrong and if so then put them on the list. I’m completely open to putting more 60 plus year old men on the list that women would fuck. To me the list is an organic list that can certainly be added to. And as mentioned, I really don’t care if women wouldn’t make sweet passionate love to 49 of the 50 wrinkly assed men on this list – but if you are willing to do one of these 60 plus year old men then you’ve proved my point.

Also, we spent quite a lot of time debating this list. Patrick Stewart was debated. Dawgz stuck to him being too bald. Like offensively bald. And that was a detractor for him. I thought he would’ve been fine on the list. But the list needed a consensus from the two of us.

Also also, Mitt Romney. Money, successful, handsome, full head of hair, nice teeth, celebrity, not a wild conservative by any stretch – I think he could bang some chicks in a coat room or eight.

Also, also, also, there should be a lot more love for Julio Iglesias. That man is an old ass diamond in the old ass ruff. Still good looking, tan, has money, successful, stress free lifestyle, Latin obviously, and he can sing and dance. I feel like women are overlooking Julio Iglesias and I don’t care for that. No one puts Julio Iglesias in the corner! NO ONE!

Baby bjorn?

I knew what a baby bjorn was. Why? I know shit, that’s why.

Kesha? Ke$ha?

Her mother was a singer and song writer, Kesha is her real name, and Ke$ha is supposed to be a joke about her singing on “Right Round”, but not getting paid any money to do so.

What sort of plot/scenarios do you think will be in the Jersey Shore porno? Will it be a porno of folks not from NJ, who like to call themselves guidos and guidettes just doing it? Or will they re-enact certain scenarios from the actual show?

Sadly, I did not work on the Jersey Shore inspired porno in any capacity. I’m furiously sad. I’m guessing it will partially re-enact certain scenarios from the show. Clearly, they have tried to dress most of the actors to look like the characters. The guys who are playing Ronnie, Pauly D and The Situation do not look that bad. The Pauly D guy is real tan with the blowout haircut and has tattoos. The Situation has a six pack. Ronnie is a roided up dude. Vinny is a little off because the guy “Johnny Castle” is way more in shape than Vinny. The girls? One of them is clearly dressed to be Snooki. And I think Dylan Ryder is a lot hotter than all the Jersey Shore girls easily. The porn industry actually has a great sense of humor so I’m sure they’ll mimic some of the storylines from the show – hot tub, I bet Pauly D and the Situation are involved in some gang bang, Ronnie and Sammi and maybe the Situation et cetera. The Nailin’ Pailn videos were funny, so I would guess these will be as well.

I am depressed now that the Jersey Shore is over. Last night was the final episode as well as the reunion. The reunion was great with Ronnie flipping out on Sammi for something he easily had to have known about since it happened. He has emotional issues, severe emotional issues. There are rumors of both a Snooki dating show and a second season of the Jersey Shore. What I would like to see is the second season have a whole new cast. Blasphemy? No. Because I would like to see Snooki, The Situation, and Pauly D all have their own dating shows. If Ronnie and Sammi stay together then I want a Nick & Jessica like TV show for them. J-Woww – I want to see an action/adventure/mystery television series featuring her. And lastly, I would like to see Vinny do a guest spot on each of the others’ shows every week. So from the Jersey Shore, I would like to see a second season with new characters and 5 additional shows. As for the short lived Angelina – well if she started doing porn I would be cool with that. Outside of that, I really wouldn’t mind if she disappeared into the wilderness of Staten Island forever.

And the best parts of the last episode were: Sammi claiming that Ronnie getting into fights on the boardwalk was like the ongoing war in the streets of Israel (UNBELIEVABLE!), and J-Woww calling guys “gorillas” and “juiceheads” and meaning it as a compliment. I love that stupid show.

Can you graph your hairiness in relation to your’s nemesis’ hairiness?


Well that should say – Robin Williams, me, Annoying Girl Not from NYC, and a monkey. You get it. It’s funny. Laugh a little.

Why do I not have _______ web features?

I do not know how to run a website. I never said I did. I’ll try to look up an “archive” feature or whatever. If it is even slightly difficult to do then I’m not going to attempt it. Sorry.

American fast food?

Well, I have never been to Australia, so I do not know what fast food chains you have down there to help make your fast food experience in the US more unique. I don’t like Burger King. I like McDonald’s and Wendy’s and KFC although I do try my best to never eat any of them. There is a McDonald’s in the Jersey City Newport Mall which I’ve found myself at more times than I would like late at night when coming back from New York City. Good fast food places? Most unique and good fast food places I can think of are in Los Angeles like In N Out Burger as mentioned in the great Big Lebowski movie which I do love. I’m guessing NY has to have a Five Guys burger place. They’re sprouting up all over Jersey. Besides sounding like a porn title, they do have good burgers. I feel like if you’re in NYC you shouldn’t be hitting up fast food places and should just go straight to hole in the wall restaurants.

I’d suggest getting pizza. New York and New Jersey have about the best pizza you can find, so I would make sure to get a lot of that over the next few months. Bagels are a must as well. Go to any one of the many Gray’s Papayas in NYC for a hot dog or three. There is great Chinese food in NYC, so go for that. New York City has a billion restaurants and fast food may be cheaper, but there are some great cheap restaurants in the city preparing any sort of food. There are almost too many places in New York City to eat that I don’t really know where to point you to. But I need to make at least one suggestion. The Olive Tree Café in Greenwich Village is a nice restaurant and it also has The Comedy Cellar downstairs where a lot of great comedians do stand-up. So that’s a suggestion.

Parenting questions for KSWI Jordan

I saw a parenting question thrown into the mix. I like this because I don’t have kids nor do I have any experience in raising children in the least. I’ve never really ever baby sat and I’m the youngest in my family so I didn’t have a little brother or sister to torture errr raise. I think I would like to have kids in the future (distant future) and I hope I treat them as I treat foreigners who don’t speak English well – I will treat them like adults who may shatter if bumped into a wall. I will talk loud and slowly and usually act out my dialogue to them as I talk, but never hinder my own vocabulary that they clearly do not understand. Also I’ll dress my children in t-shirts that I wish I wasn’t so cynical about to wear. Meaning they will be dressed almost at all times in band t-shirts from the 80’s like The Smiths, The Pixies, Black Flag and Minor Threat.

Ladies? Half a dozen years from now? Deal? Also I get to pick what movies the kid watches. And he’s learning the guitar. And he is going to at least be a field goal kicker in the NFL.  

Where is the decent music?

There is decent music everywhere… except on MTV. No one should ever look to commercial radio or television to help them with expanding their music collection. Even in the golden days of MTV, they played more shit than good music. We like to trick ourselves into thinking at one point it was all Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, and Soundgarden, but it wasn’t. Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson were also huge during those periods of time. Seriously, there was a time when Weird Al Yankovic was on TV all the time for years during the 90’s. Cherry Popping Daddies probably got more airplay in 1997 and ’98 than most good bands.

There will always be bad pop music outweighing any great music out there in the world. And this LIE, this COMPLETE MYTH, that people in the 60’s and 70’s all sat around listening to The Rolling Stones together and everyone could recite the lyrics to every Bob Dylan b-side, well it is a LIE. That was never the case. There has never been a time period in history where only good music existed and bad music wasn’t played on the radio just as often if not more often than any good music that sneaked through. Rolling Stone magazine tries to pretend like they know music or they were on the cusp of knowing good music always, but they haven’t been. In retrospect, more people now understand what good music happened in the 60’s and 70’s than the people who lived in the 60’s and 70’s did when it was happening.

Same will be said of this time and age. For Christ’s sake people are putting “Crazy in Love” by Beyonce is in the top 5 best songs of last decade! People have no critical analysis of current times. There is amazing music everywhere. This past year, I believe The Flaming Lips released their best album to date, which is saying a lot considering they have been making excellent albums for a number of years and that number to me is 11 with their 1999 album Soft Bulletin. Also, Animal Collective released a hugely acclaimed and successful album. And Pearl Jam released a great album, which was seemingly a shock to everyone including myself. Phoenix’s album from last year was probably my second favorite album behind The Flaming Lips’. As for other great albums from last year, I really loved the Japandroids, Bat for Lashes, and Bear in Heaven. And Wilco even slapped together a better than decent album for free last year. And there are definitely others.

I don’t think Pitchfork is the end all, but they are about as close as one can be. If you’re looking for good music then they are pretty great. They will at least give you the names of the albums and now that they are synched with the website La La one can listen to the album streaming over the internet for free and make their own decision. Pitchfork does most genres of music well minus really aggressive music like hardcore and metal. They also suck at rap music as well. But that’s the one exception to the thought that there is no good music out there.


It is disturbing I know, but the one genre of music that has fallen by the wayside is rap music. Rap/hip-hop has turned into pop music. Rap music nowadays is nothing more than pop music with rappers in it. There are a couple rap albums that come out of every year that are good, but that 1% of the CDs that are released that is good is being suffocated to death by the 99% of rap music that is just pure commercial club music. I’m not saying I don’t find Jay Z’s “New York, New York” or whatever single with Alicia Keys catchy, but it is not rap music. That is pop music. Rap music was at one time more about rapping than about a catchy beat to dance to and a songbird chorus that repeats every 5 seconds.

I have nothing against some of the “rap” artists out there who make good listenable music, but for the most part they are just pop acts. Rap was supposed to be grimy. Rap was supposed to be the black equivalent of punk music. It was a DYI genre where people were expressing their anger. Nowadays, even the angry rap songs are happy or at least upbeat. I do like T.I., Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Lil’ Wayne et cetera, but if I were to name my favorite “rappers” of all time – I wouldn’t name any of them. I do think Kanye’s first album is tremendous though and regardless of the other bullshit he’s done, that album is great. Anyway, rap music has lost its teeth and learned to dance. They’ve become lovers and not fighters. It would be more palatable if it wasn’t the case for by far the majority of them. …

This year – Spoon, Broken Social Scene, Radiohead are all scheduled to come out with albums. You want good music – they are good music. And maybe Jack White will slap something together as well.

How will the recent revelation of John Edwards’ fathering his mistress’s child change the future Democratic landscape?

I doubt it will do anything. I don’t think anyone cares about John Edwards anymore.

Questions? Have you seen that Philip Seymour Hoffman movie which seems to be about him dying, and taking 2 decades to put on a musical? Wtf is that movie about? I am baffled.

Synecdoche. No I have not seen it. It is on my Netflix list. Mysteriously it keeps getting skipped and getting pushed down the list. The mystery is my hands clicking the mouse to make that happen. I will eventually see it. I like Charlie Kauffman a lot as well as PSH, but I heard the movie is so-so and depressing. So I haven’t been dying to see it yet.

Hmmmmmm………… well have a great weekend everyone. I am eagerly waiting for Sunday as if it was Christmas. I want to watch these football games so bad.  

A friend just sent me this –

“Manning is so classy that whenever an NFL legend retires, he sends the player a handwritten letter describing what he meant to the game. Last year he had Favre’s note written but never sent it.” – Adam Schefter ESPN

I love football so much I may have just cried a little reading that quote.

20 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #15”

  1. Zees84 said

    Hmm, thanks for leaving my typo in. It will make me think twice before pointing out your flaws. This will just cause me to post my comments later.

    Have a good weekend, er’rybody. Who’s sending me the pertinent footage from the telethon that I won’t be able to watch?

  2. Julienne said

    I’m heading to First Ave to see Spoon in May and I’m monumentally excited to see these guys! Oh, and please check out White Rabbits and The Dig, KSWIJ and anyone else who appreciates good music.

    I also almost lose it daily when I think of the Soundgarden reunion that’s in the works. They will be badass once again, just like the good old days.

    Have a good weekend all, and GO VIKES!!!

  3. PWG said

    Hello Jordan, 3 billionth time commenter, long time listener here. Thank you for taking my questions this week.

    I appreciate the baby dressing tips, though I don’t have any babies at this time. If I stuff my 1st grader into a Wu Tang onesie (that’s what those are called, fyi) and send him to school I do believe he’d get his ass kicked no matter how cool and relevant the other kids find the Clan. No one wants that. Back in the day I was amused by the odd baby getups.
    a href=”” rel=”nofollow”>Was this for Halloween? Maybe.

    I think my favorite section today was the graph. We like the graphs.

    • PWG said

      Oh you bastard link: Try again.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      All of those come in kid’s sizes. And a picture of a kid’s size t-shirt doesn’t look nearly as funny as it on a onesie.

      Stop questioning my judgment and just start dressing your kids like they are socially relevant college aged pseudo intellectuals.

      And get at least one of your boys to learn how to kick any and all field goals from 45 yards and under like a machine. All 32 teams in the NFL would pay top dollar for that. Unless by the time your kids are old enough to play in the NFL there really are machines like robots in the NFL then it really doesn’t matter anymore.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Oh yeah, no post Monday most likely. I’ll be hungover and I’m not going to work.

        And this… Lady Gaga on Boiling Points when she was 18/19-ish

        Awww… she was cute before she became Madonna. Why was she eating lunch by herself? I would’ve eaten lunch with you Lady Gaga or I mean Stefani ASDfjaskldghasdkjfasd— completely indecipherable Italian name.

      • PWG said

        Ixnay on raising football players. Or American Idol contestants, for that matter. In fact, if either of my offspring appears on any reality TV show whatsoever (besides Ow! My Balls) I will kill them and retroactively adopt Haitian orphans.

        My husband had a terrible high school football injury that ended with a year’s worth of surgeries and we both went to school with kids who were paralyzed on the football field. Now I know based on your “What NFL position would KS play” post that kicker is a relatively safe position. But we are raising freakishly tall and coordinated children and it’s just a matter of time before a coach moved their asses to quarterback. They will not be built solidly like Roethlisberger, so it would just be a matter of time before they died on the field. I may kill them, but some ‘roided up defensive tackle may not.

        I can work with you on the socially relevant older kid shirts, but my oldest wears white button-down collared shirts to school every day. His choice, not mine. I don’t even own a fucking collared button-down shirt myself. He will either be a hit with the ladies some day, or gay, we don’t know yet. I think it’s clear he won’t be wearing a shredded Ramones t-shirt any time soon, but he’d probably dig your ties.

  4. Here’s my thing with the bangable geezers list… you keep parading around all proud of yourself because you got us to admit that we MIGHT consider sleeping with a select few of them. Congratulations, ladies. BUT, but but but… we never discussed the circumstances surrounding our decision to do so. This is very important. Are you expecting me to say I’d sleep with a 60+ year old dude if he walked up to me in a bar like in your Jack Nicholson example? Because I wouldn’t. The whole list is a big no in that scenario. I was looking at it from the point of view of: “if you HAVE to sleep with at least one of these men, who would it be?” I wouldn’t choose to sleep with any of them under other circumstances. There’s a very good chance I would go for any other person in that bar that was closer to my age. I would even consider waiving my height requirements. Unless of course the old man opened with “another man may or may not have just seen my penis,” in which case then I’d give him a shot…

    I’m sad Jersey Shore is over, but I don’t think I want them to come back and do a second season. You know they’re just going to end up doing stuff because they know fans expect it. The dance battling, fist pumps, facepunches, hot tub hookups will all be planned and artificial. And I think we all know that guido debauchery loses some of it’s sparkle when it’s not genuinely spontaneous.

    You seem very certain of the fact that this lovechild of yours and some lucky common taters will be a boy. I hope your Y chromosomes are up to the task, because if not… say goodbye to your dreams of an NFL kicker. Unless women are allowed in the NFL along with those robots.

    As of two days ago, I have a niece. She’s the first baby I’ve ever held. It’s all fucking terrifying. I’m sticking to dogs for a while, personally… I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up being the crazy aunt. I already cursed in front of her when she was maybe 2 hours old, so we’re off to a great start.

  5. Forgetful Lucy said

    Please add this one into the rotation. Because you are in fact RAD. You don’t need to pretend to like Twilight or cats to win over the ladies. Just drop Dirty Dancing references and talk about the cool onesies you’ll buy your kid someday, after you’ve met the right girl and settled down, of course. Ninja panty-dropping 101.

    I like that you went a little KSWI old school and pulled questions from all week. Thanks for your insight on the JS porno. You’ll have to give us a recap when it comes out. This is not something I can view for myself. Plus things seem to be more entertaining when you review it.

    In-n-Out is the best. I think I might go there for lunch today. It’s all about the sauce really. Can you believe my sister orders it with ketchup and mustard only?! That is just insanity.

  6. McDamy said

    I borrowed Synecdoche from the library and so glad I didn’t pay for it! Depressing – yes. Confusing – beyond. I don’t think it ever came together in some great explanation or anything. Maddness!!! Possibly the most confusing thing was his relationship with his child…there was a lover living in a house on fire – nearly the equivalent of Magnolia’s raining frogs.

  7. kt said

    If I ever wanted to have kids I would agree to those terms. As it stands I pretty much refuse to ever give my mom the chance to be a granparent and she is ok with that. I have a “niece” who is two and a “nephew” who is 2 weeks (you know the kind from friends and not siblings) and a cousin who is 6 months. I bought my cousin an Elvis pacifier and a top gun onesie for Christmas and my nephew is getting a Bob Marley one I found the other day at Target. I make a decent aunt… as long as they aren’t crying around me.

  8. MLF said

    omg. those onesies are completely kickass. one of my friends actually had a baby recently and my friend and I got her a onesie that said iPood on it. We laughed for an hour, in the store. But they make all kinds of hilarious ones now that say stuff like “all mommy wanted was a backrub” or “suck it” with a picture of a passifier. So cute. But the thing about kids is you aren’t able to dress them the way you want for very long. Literally every three and four year old and my old preschool was wearing either Hannah Montana or a Transformers Tshirt…which is awful. I fervently hope that Hannah Montana is longggg gone when I have a kid so that I never have to buy anything having to do with that.

    • Amy D said

      “all mommy wanted was a backrub” ?!?? Holy shit I spit out my soda while reading that, that is fantastic. That one is going to get me through the rest of the day, thank you MLF!

      • MLF said

        I take no credit. I’m definitely not creative enough to think of these. I’ve also seen one that says “I’m proof that Mommy puts out” as well as “I ripped Mommy a new one” with stitches below the words… that one just makes me cringe though ughhh

        I feel like I spend way too much time looking at onesies but I did work at a preschool for several years so at least I have a legit reason and it’s not creepy.

  9. campbelld said

    Thanks for answering questions! I will take your advice if I feel like it. I am going to Manhattan tommorrow in fact! Huzzah!
    Did you read the Big Lebowski thing? huh? Didja?
    I would say more but I am going to a party!

  10. amanda said

    yeah wtf our generation is music retarded.
    btw smashing pumpkins suuuck!
    but all the other bands you named are pretty mfin fantastic.
    i loooove ezra koenig from vampire weekend. contra = amazing.

    and here are some others you might enjoy..


  11. fantastic movies. Have you watched Avatar yet by chance? Movie made me a little light headed but wow, what a great movie.

  12. Crystal said

    I kept refreshing today because I took the day off from work, waiting for a new post. Then I remembered there would be no post today. Sadface.

  13. Sarah said

    i read this review of welcome to the rileys from the sundance film festival this weekend and this is what the article said:

    “Oddly enough, she kinda enjoyed it. “The more I saw it, the more I wanted it,” Stewart said. “It was like a weird self-hating kind of thing.””

    i swear that this is real

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