Don’t Expect Joan Jett on Sesame Street Anytime Soon

January 26, 2010

Joan Jett told Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar.

Woah! Woah! Woah! That is no way to start a new week of posts. I have to talk about the weekend.  I have to talk about football. I cannot just jump in and talk about Joan Jett fucking guitars. That would be completely unprofessional of me to not address my weekend in the slightest and begin speaking on a subject like Joan Jett having aggressive sex with a stringed inanimate object on stage in front of people and being such a proponent of this endeavor that she rounds up young Hollywood starlets and bluntly tells them to do it as well.

But Joan Jett did tell Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar in the Vancouver Sun newspaper – right here

I did not post yesterday. I hope all of you can forgive me for not posting on Monday. I know it must have been a very tough day without my ramblings egging you on to strive forward and accomplish life. I find that my writings are inspirational and can cure the sick. It heals both physically and emotionally and spiritually. I have seen reports that reading enough KSWI will cure swine flu (that reference is so 2009). It also can be used to cure more common ailments: depression, anxiety, hyper tension, lethargic tension, stuffy head, anal leakage, spider veins, persistent cough, writer’s block, restless leg syndrome and can restore one’s faith in monotheism.

I did not get a chance to post because I do not get paid to post in any form whatsoever and because I was violently hungover. Those two situations created the perfect storm of me laying in bed under the covers with the lights off, a fan on my face, and my head at the foot of my bed and my feet at the head of my bed. I spent the majority of that time wishing that the hurricane like mess downstairs in my kitchen and living room would be miraculously cleaned up by an army of day laborers. This wish was not fulfilled. Much of Monday was spent complaining about being hungover, slowly cleaning up the apartment, and watching DVRed television programs from Sunday night.

So what of Sunday? What of football?

First and foremost, I thought both games were exciting. The second game was a little more exciting than the first, but both were good games. The Jets Defense spent the entire first quarter doing what they had said they were going to do all week. They were hitting Peyton Manning, they were stifling his offensive creativity, and they were making the Colts settle for field goals. That was impressive. Problem is, the NFL plays FOUR quarters of professional tackle football and not ONE quarter. The rest of the game was the unstoppable white and blue scoring horseshoe marching the ball up and down the field like no other team has done to the Jets all year.

The Jets have a solid team and should be excited about their future. At the same time they are a bunch of bitches who had the easiest road into the post season by playing back-to-back teams who let them win. They did beat the Chargers which was unexpected, but the Chargers have a weak defense and no one has the balls to step up to the plate and tell LT he needs to move on and let someone else play. If the Jets go into the 2010 season with a similar team they have now then they should be an interesting team to watch next year. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is an exciting young QB who will definitely get better. They have a great offensive line and a series of amazing running backs. Their wide receivers kind of blow goats. Their defense is quite quite good. Darelle Revis is the man. Jim Leonard and Bart Scott are quite good as well. And Rex Ryan seems like he knows how to lead a team as well as feed himself buckets of slop from a trough.

Peyton Manning and the Colts are pretty good. Easily the favorites going into the Super Bowl and they should be. No matter if they win or lose this Super Bowl, people should question their decision making in week 16. With two games left in the season, the Colts forfeit pretty much and allow themselves to lose their last two games of the season. Lame. Their idea was that saving their starters from those two games would pay off with them being fresh for the playoffs. I sincerely do not care. This is professional tackle football and the most holy of holy records is the perfect season. They had their chance and they pissed on it. They pissed on the perfect season. If they win the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and won the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it. If they lose the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and then lost the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it.

As an organization, they stood over the perfect season and unzipped their pants. A faint musk of dirty underwear mixed with day old sweat stains mixed with current day sweat stains suffocating the air. They pulled out their collective junk. Shorn clean from a Gillette Fusion razor. Smooth, but covered in razor stubble and little pimples. A few stray curly hairs that some how tip toed around the five cold and sharp razor blades. At first, just a jet stream of piss hits the perfect season in the face. Just one wake up shot right in the eye. And now the Colts’ penis is ready and aligned to let loose its bladder. And in a golden shower that could last 40 days and 40 nights, the Colts piss all over the perfect season. Piss dripping from every corner of the perfect season. As the Indianapolis Colts’ third string quarterback Curtis Painter laughs and laughs in the background; he is the perfect symbol of pissing on the perfect season.  

The second game was a shoot out. I think most expected a wild affair, maybe ending in overtime. It was exactly what we were hoping for. Although the team who actually played “best” lost. Brett “Odysseus” Favre put on quite the show. Out gaining the New Orleans Saints at home in the Thunderdome by 200+ yards, the Vikings lost the game on their own terms. Apparently, the Vikings wanted to prove they were the better team, but at the same time did not want to go through the trouble of having to play in the Super Bowl. So they ran wild on the Saints up and down the field and when push came to shove, they fumbled. A LOT! Six times actually. The Vikings played really well, but they kept turning the ball over.

I’m sure you’ve seen the coverage about Brett Favre throwing the interception that ended the game et cetera nonsense. The whole team was losing the ball and Brett was having a hell of a game out there outside of that interception. Brett and the whether or not he is retiring circus has already started. I hope he comes back and I don’t understand why he shouldn’t. He had arguably the best season he has had in easily a decade. My opinion on Brett Favre’s physical health is that he would be perfectly ready to play heroicly in the Super Bowl in two weeks if the Vikes had won. So he is fine for next season.

Not to make it sound like the Saints didn’t do anything that game, but the Vikings did kind of give that game away, especially in the second half. But the Saints are a strong team. I thought between them and Vikings that the Saints had the better chance against the Colts. I think this will be an exciting fast paced Super Bowl with touchdowns and smiles and good times and the Who and I’m excited.

Sunday was a good day. This all happened in Jersey City – watched two games of football, played beer pong, pretty much killed a keg of beer, cooked 14 pounds of ham, made 4 pounds of mashed potatoes, two boxes of stuffing, dinner rolls, a few dozen buffalo wings, three trays of pigs in a blanket, a tray of apples stuffed with sausage, a cake, tons of chips, and, of course, laughter with friends… which was fueled by the obscene drinking of beer. Anyway, now that stuff is out of me sort of and I’m tired. I need a day off from my days off.

Joan Jett fucks guitars and has been for like 30 years. It is about 35 years of hard fornication with a musical instrument from the chordophone family.

In maybe the bluest puff piece article I’ve ever read, Kristen Stewart reveals two sentences that 51 year old Philadelphia native, Ms. Joan Jett, said to Kristen. These two sentences are seemingly to help Kristen prepare for her role as Joan Jett in The Runaways movie. I would imagine when the producers contacted Joan to do some musical consulting or supervising for the movie considering the movie is based on her and her band mates that they were not expecting Joan Jett to say the following two sentences of advice:

1. Put your pussy to the wood

And…

2. Fuck your guitar

I have thoughts and questions. Numerous. First, why was this not a song for the actual Runaways band and/or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I would not say I’m very familiar with either bands’ discographies, but I’ve heard the singles. And the singles are good. There are a lot of great rock and roll songs in there that are both punk and classic rock and I don’t remember every hearing the lyrics “put your pussy to the wood”. I’m not a music producer. I’m not even a lyric writer. I cannot play an instrument. I have never been in a band. But I would make a small wager that if a band of average to good looking females wrote a halfway decent song with the lyric “Put your pussy to the wood” followed by them all screaming “fuck your guitar” that it may sell pretty well on iTunes.

That is just a shot in the dark, but I feel like you can quote me on that. “Put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” are lyrics I’m pretty sure will resonate to at least a small percentage of the population. So Joan Jett, huh? Not really mincing words.

I really wish I could have been there to have seen the face of the Canadian celebrity reporter sent out to interview Twilight star Kristen Stewart about her upcoming film The Runaways. Kristen, I’ve heard that Joan Jett was on set while you were filming The Runaways, what was that like? Did she have any words of advice about being a rock and roller? Uhhh… what? Put your what to the what? Did you say puuuu… puuuu… sss.. puss… I’m sorry, but if this is how you and Joan Jett think “cool” people talk then you are dead wrong missy. You don’t go around telling people to put their puuu *cough* lady parts on, well anything. That is not a lady like thing to say in the least. And I am not … fornicating with any guitar or any musical instrument for that matter. Never again!

Yes, in that scenario one can assume the Canadian reporter did have sex with a musical instrument at least once, but is ashamed by the experience(s) for whatever reason(s). So put your pussy to the wood and fuck your guitar. I really don’t understand how the greatest original thought by Joan Jett has been sidelined to some shitty newspaper article and not as the chorus for a rousing anthem. If this year Joan Jett comes out with a song titled “fuck your guitar” and has “put your pussy to the wood” in the song somewhere, I’m saying I told you so.

The rest of the article doesn’t get any less R-Rated. Kristen’s following quote ends the short and Sam Kinison-esque article:

“Both [of these women have] a dominant sexuality. They had to fight,” says Stewart. “People like girls to be sexy and they did then, too, but in a different way. They didn’t want to get f*cked [by the girl], they wanted to f*ck them.”

In my opinion, I would be more worried about Joan Jett fucking me than me fucking her. She said “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar”. That is a woman who owns and regular uses a strap-on. I think Joan Jett has an exercise routine specifically designed to workout the muscles used for fuck thrusting and hers are of an Olympic caliber at this point. Joan Jett is full of so much testosterone that I could inject a vile of her sweat as steroids. So I disagree with Kristen. I’m pretty sure Joan Jett dictates any and all sexual experiences that she is apart of – vis a vis aka ie eg – Joan Jett fucks you.

The second point I think needs to be addressed is – we’re talking about Dakota Fanning. I know that Kristen Stewart and all her want is putting her pussy to the wood and fucking her guitar as Joan Jett. Kristen’s got her black hair and leather pants and her no nonsense attitude. She’s the punk princess for whatever reason nowadays. She’s the anti-culture’s queen. I get it. But “both of these women have a dominant sexuality”. Both means two. And two means Dakota Fanning.

My question – did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” or did she tell her something similar? Or did Cherie Currie say something like that?

Sweet and pure and innocent and underage, Dakota Fanning. Did Joan Jett or Cherie Currie tell her to put her pussy on the microphone or to fuck the microphone or the amp or the speakers or what? Did they just reserve that filthy language to the old soul that is 19 year old Kristen Stewart? Was it Kristen who only heard that potty mouth talking Joan Jett talking about putting her pussy on things? Or did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to put her vaginal area on stringed instruments or the microphone as well? I would like to know. Curious minds want to know.

I think I made a reference once about Dakota Fanning being cute. She is an adorable innocent who goes to high school, is a cheerleader, was homecoming queen at her school and has done an excellent job acting in several films. I said she was cute and I remember receiving some comments calling me a sicko. Meanwhile, she is being cast as a lead singer of a band of girls that guys apparently want to fuck hard and people are now telling her to put her pussy on things. Seriously, there is a double standard being made here between myself and Joan Jett. I just said she was cute. I didn’t tell her to go fuck a guitar.

I feel like even Joan Jett and Cherie Currie know better and did not say anything of the sort to Dakota Fanning knowing that it would needlessly destroy her holy innocence. I am against drilling for oil in Alaska. I’ve never been to Alaska, but I’ve seen pictures. It looks pristine and perfect. We shouldn’t destroy it if there are plenty of places in the world we could drill for oil. Just let the polar bears and wolves and whales roam free and have their artic tundra or whatever animals are up in Alaska. Same goes for Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, I’m sure they used all their drunken sailor advice on Kristen the black sheep who with all her want is the anti-thesis for innocence for some reason. And the two rock stars refrained from ruining Dakota’s innocence by telling her to put her pussy on things and to fuck a Fender.

Also, while writing that I realized that who ever takes Dakota Fanning’s virginity with be destroying the artic circle in my opinion, apparently. Who ever that guy is, he might as well be killing the polar bears, black bears, brown bears, moose, caribou, mountain goats, bison, dall sheep, orcas, countless birds and fish, and, of course, the quiet and solitary Eskimo nation. Remember that. Who ever fucks Dakota Fanning first is killing the Eskimos. So leave Dakota Fanning alone and leave her Alaskan pussy wildlife alone. And I guess if you want to do some “drilling” grab Kristen “Detroit Rock City’s pussy” Stewart.

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34 Responses to “Don’t Expect Joan Jett on Sesame Street Anytime Soon”

  1. campbelld said

    oh man! That last bit right there with the Alaskan wilderness extended metaphor just slayed me. I know what you mean, I’m sure it’s nice, but in no way would I want to go on a holiday into the Alaskan Wilderness. It’d be far to detrimental to my health, both physical and mental, for one thing.
    But I would like to stop oil drilling there.
    I was kind of bummed about the Jets, but when it became clear they were going to lose we all remembered we were Giants fans anyway and just watched Peyton Manning. Holy crap.
    I don’t even know the game, really at all, but holy crap even I can recognise that man is amazing.

  2. MLF said

    Am I the only person who thinks Dakota isn’t innocent? She’s fifteen, sixteen in less than a month….I have yet to meet or know an “innocent” fifteen year old…Sure she may be a virgin at the moment but I think that is likely to change soon. Firstly- some young hollywood stud is bound to woo her and then desecrate her “Alaskan Wilderness,” probably sooner rather than later. Secondly- Cheerleader. Three of my bestfriends as well as my sister were(are) cheerleaders, and having never cheered myself I have to take their word for the fact that Cheerleaders are “sluts, and proud of it damn it. Go team!” I have heard many a story involving coordinated sluttiness, including a “let’s all lose our virginity this weekend” plot back in sophmore year, aka Dakota’s current age. I could be wrong though, I know absolutely nothing about Dakota Fanning. She must have been convincingly Non innocent in order to win the part of Cherie Currie though. Oh well. We shall see.

    • kt said

      I agree. 16 year olds aren’t innocent and the ones that look like they are, usually are the worst. Because it is easier for them to get away with it. Trust me, I was an innocent looking 16 year old and I hung out in clubs and convinced college guys to buy me and my best friends liquor and invite us to their hotel rooms. The bad part is that I still was pretty innocent when compared to the cheerleaders at my school. Therefore, I feel confident in saying she is probably less innocent than Kristen “Pussy to the Wood” Stewart.

      And KSWI Jordan, you havent cured my writer’s block. Just sayin.

      • Zees84 said

        I have no interest in getting all nostalgic, but, I agree. 15 and 16 year olds are significantly less innocent than they should be. As a mother, I pray every day my daughter is nothing like me at that age…though I was also funny and did well in school, so that would be ok.

    • I may or may not have been one of the people to call Jordan twisted for commenting on Dakota’s cuteness, but I personally think there’s a good chance that someone’s already drilled her Alaskan Wilderness. (This is my new favorite euphemism, fyi). This occurred to me long before we started discussing it here… it actually occurred to me that day I called him sick. Which, in hindsight, was entirely hypocritical of me. But I can’t help it if my mind always goes to the darkest places possible… I just don’t have a blog to share it with the world.

  3. Apples stuffed with sausage??? What is this culinary delight of which you speak? I’ve never heard of it… Unless I’m missing something and you were really hinting that you and your friends were stuffing your “sausages” into some ladies’ “apples”, and the whole football party is just a massive cover-up for a swingers party. In which case, well done Jordan!

    I’m surprised you’re so taken aback by Joan Jett’s guitar-fucking comment. The last time you mentioned her, I’m pretty sure you suggested that she was into fisting. More specifically, fisting herself and going elbow-deep while at it.

    I’m trying hard not to think about that entire paragraph you wrote graphically detailing the Colts collectively pissing, and apparently all I can do to try to take my mind off it is to think of you throwing an orgy and Joan Jett fisting. Don’t say I didn’t warn you all about my penchant for the dark.

    • Zees84 said

      I need to stop reading fanfiction at work, because I ::almost:: got turned on by that.

      • campbelld said

        Fan fiction in public/work is extermerly dangerous, particulary anything involving sci-fi/fantasy. That gets weird. And mostly not hot-weird, regular eeeewwww-weird.

  4. Forgetful Lucy said

    First, you were very much missed yesterday.

    Second, if this is how you celebrate the playoffs, how the hell do you celebrate the actual Superbowl? And dear god, how did you even survive last year with the Steelers playing??

    And, I’m glad you brought up dinner rolls. Because since Thanksgiving I’ve wondered if biscuits were the same thing as rolls. I didn’t know if this was a east coast thing or what. We have rolls, which I would describe as mini loaves of bread. My description of a biscuit would be heavier like a dumpling, or light and flaky like the kind that come in the Pillsbury (heehee), bang against the counter to open, tube thing. Which kind did you eat a fuckton of at Thanksgiving? And did you really have rolls on Sunday or were they really biscuits? Really, this is the shit I wonder about.

    Sometimes I love your exceptionally descriptive writing abilities. Sometimes I do not. Guess which one it is today regarding the Colts pissing on their chance at a perfect season. Yuck, but point well made.

    • MLF said

      Honestly the razor burned junk made me cringe more than the golden shower thing, which didn’t really bother me…pee is sterile and actually safe for drinking (personally I wouldn’t unless in dire situations but hey whatever you’re into..) Honestly I was just impressed that he

      Dinner rolls = good
      Biscuits = better
      Dumplings = All that is good and holy in edible form

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        All of it, the dirty underwear, the sweat stains, the razor burn, just… BLEH.

      • MLF said

        oops incomplete thought: I was just impressed that he was able to talk about urine for an entire paragraph.

        there. I feel better.

  5. Zees84 said

    Hi Jordan,

    What’s up? How’s it hangin’? We’ve known each other for a few months now…so I know that you know that I don’t know much about football. My husband, dad and brothers are casual observers…they like to know what’s going on, but aren’t particularly involved or invested in the game. I have a brother in law who lives and breathes football, but, while he did enjoy my regaling him with my knowledge of the guy getting pantsed and his big black ass being broadcast on tv, I can’t really ask him to explain my question to me. You are my football guru, and apparently, you are a good teacher, because I know that the Saints are classy motherfuckers, the Steelers won the Super Bowl last year, and I can spell Troy Polamalu correctly without having to look it up, AND I know what he looks like. Thanks to you.

    It is with that introduction that I humbly ask the following:

    Is it required that all football players remove their pubic hair? If so, is shaving REALLY their best option? I’ve got a lady named Ina who is amazing with the Brazilian….sure, we’ve all seen The 40 Year Old Virgin , and I (do not want to) imagine that any random player’s junk is on par with Steve Carrel’s chest, Robin Williams entire body (even in newborn form….which, for all you keeping score, was what led to the first hair graph back in September) and/or your nemesis’ arm pits. (See, I take my newly acquired knowledge and apply it.) BUT, there is nothing worse than bikini bumps. I would think that waxing would be the way to go.

    You should let the NFL know, Jordan. Get on it.*

    • Zees84 said

      Also, perhaps inform them of the merkin.

      For the off-season.

      Because you can’t let that shit grow out of hand*.

      • kt said

        RE: Merkin.

        Robin Williams made a joke about them on Conan the other night and I almost fell out of my chair laughing, while none of my roommates got the joke. I felt like a complete perv for knowing what it was. Coupled with the fact that I played the word “frots” in Scrabble earlier in the night and had to explain it to get my points I’m pretty sure I am some sort of sexual deviant.

      • Zees84 said

        I only know about it because of that appearance. I had to google it.

        I did, however, get Jordan’s Dirty Sanchez reference, and I have spent the last 5+ years of my life living with the fact that I know the definition of “hot-plating”. My husband has some awesome friends.

        Remember when the whole world was playing Scrabulous on Facebook? I think its demise in some ways led me to this den of debauchery. Also, why is “Facebook” not a recognized word?

      • Zees84 said

        I’m waiting for PWG to taunt me that I was hot-plated by one of my husbands friends. This is not the case. I’m not into that shit. But I will accept a taunt from PWG any way I can get it.

      • campbelld said

        By this stage, I think most of us look like sexual deviants.

      • cledbo said

        As opposed to African-American haberdashers.

    • MLF said

      I would personally recommend Veet. Works amazing, costs way less, and you can do it in your shower. I imagine it might be a little awkward for a 6ft+ 200lb+ football player to be seen coming in and out of a waxing salon…

  6. I do not like where today’s comments are going…

  7. Forgetful Lucy said

    Today’s Pussy count = 15, not including the commenters’.

  8. cledbo said

    I have to say I more enjoyed the news that Joan Jett had made KStew cry, by yelling at her (KStew) that she wasn’t playing her (Joan Jett) properly.

    This is why you shouldn’t do biopics of people who are still alive. Michael Sheen should have taught Kristen that at least.

    Anything stuffed with bacon is awesome*.

  9. scrubbie said

    dakota want it…so watch put Kris, ’cause she is a pretty wild wanting seeker

  10. susanelle said

    Gah, that meal sounds fabulous!

    But I bet you all farted like motorboats afterward.

  11. PWG said

    It makes me sad that I’m not independently wealthy. If I were, I would’ve seen this yesterday instead of just now. I haven’t even read today’s post yet. This post had everything we’ve come to expect from you. It was offensive, gross, sportsy, well-captioned, educational, hilarious and full of misspellings.

    Starting Friday I worked from 7:00 a.m. until Saturday at 2:30 a.m. I took Saturday off from work and then worked most of the day Sunday. Yesterday was similar. I think I was the apple and work was the sausage, because I’m totally fucked. I’m buried under an avalanche of To-Dos, and I don’t even have the comfort of knowing I’m helping refugees in Haiti like Zees. Ever walk through a waterfall? That’s what my week is like, except instead of water it’s shit to do. Sob.

  12. Kat said

    Hey Jordan,

    The actual interview was part of The Runaway’s roundtable at Sundance and included several reporters, Dakota and Kristen. In case you or anyone else WANTS to hear it, you can listen to the entire audio here –>

    http://wearemoviegeeks.com/2010/01/sundance-audio-interview-kristen-stewart-dakota-fanning

    The fanfuckingtastic “pussy to the wood” comment can be found in Part 1, at about the 3:22 mark. Hearing Kristen yell that out is priceless! Best KStew quote. EVER.

  13. amanda said

    joan jett has some really shitty stuff.
    but i really like the album bad reputation

  14. lexilame said

    Seriously, despite me being late to read this post, this was the wittiest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks a million for sharing.

  15. veronica said

    this was so fucking hilarious. I don’t even know how I stumbled across it, but I was laughing the entire time. This also reminded me that I needed to go fuck my guitar… thanks Joan!

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    page and thought I may as well check things out.
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