Yesterday’s post was a revealing one. I have been suffering from cold sweats, panic attacks, shortness of breath and vivid hallucinations of dragonflies with grapefruit sized vaginas singing “Under the Sea”. Today will be a far less stressful endeavor into comedy for me. Instead of psychoanalyzing myself for any latent homosexuality tendencies, I will instead continue with topics that are reverently heterosexual like dancey bullshit pop music. This post will focus on me breaking down the artistic wonder that is Kesha also known as Ke$ha and her soul searching symphony “Tik Tok”. 

This is not the first time I have deconstructed a pop single phenomenon. On my previous website, What Gloom, my song of choice was “Love in the Club” by Usher.  If I remember correctly, it was received very well by the four people who read it. I think all of them gave it a “thumbs up” or “yeah, it’s pretty funny” or “I skimmed it” or “you should really write professionally, son.” Yep, those were the reviews. The last review was from my mother who calls me “son” and I call her “mawh” and we live in the middle of a perpetual dust storm in the 1930’s. 

Why “Tik Tok”? 

The song is the biggest. The last week of 2009, “Tik Tok” sold 610,000 digital downloads, which is the highest selling female artist single since the internet began tracking this in 2003. It is the second most sold song online since 2003 behind “Right Round” by Flo Rida, which, coincidence be gone, she is the chick doing the female vocals in that song as well. All told, the song “Tik Tok” has been bought and paid for online 2,440,000 times, which is CRAZY because I was under the impression everyone knew music was free to download. Why are people paying for it? And roughly 2.5 million people! That’s everybody and Al Qaeda downloading this song with their credit cards in hand. 

I know I have heard the song on the radio more than I can count at this point. It was questioned yesterday what radio stations I listen to that enable me the honor of listening to Real McCoy yesterday. I have six FM presets: 89.5 (metal/hard rock), 101.9 (alt rock), 92.3 (dance/pop), 97.1 (supposedly hip hop, but it really is just commercials and shit), 103.5 (no idea), 104.3 (classic rock). It was preset #5 (103.5) that had Real McCoy on it, I’m not sure what their target audience is. Usually they are on commercials, but I’ve heard everything from “world music” to “Bob Marley” (which is more “world music” than “world music” is “world music” anyway) to “Real McCoy”, obviously. 

Preset #3 (92.3) used to be KROQ or K-Rock or commercial hard rock like Green Day et cetera. They had been around forever, but last year or so they folded and a dance/pop music station took over. It is not like there are a ton of radio stations out there that play good music, so I kept 92.3 in my rotation. This has given me the privilege to hear and know all Beyonce, Britney Spears, Pussycat Dolls, Lil’ Wayne and all the other great artists of this awful period in time. 

Anyway, let’s talk about Kesha or Ke$ha who I’m going to call Kesha because I don’t feel hitting [shift]+[4] every time I write her name. Kesha is 22 from Los Angeles and grew up in Nashville. I could be mean and say something like she’s a blonde valley bimbo raised in a trailer, but what would be the point in that? She seems perfectly nice on the surface. And by that I mean she is a pretty blonde with a great body and hopefully sooner than later some 15 year old Chinese kid will crack her iPhone and all her naked pictures she takes of herself out at the clubs kissing her girlfriends because that’s “girls being girls” will be posted on the internet for my and yours and Al Qaeda’s viewing pleasure. 

I read her oddly long biography on Wikipedia, she is 22! And here are the highlights: her mom is a singer and songwriter and encouraged Kesha with her dreams, her family hosted Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton on The Simple Life and Nicole Richie actually hung up on a music producer who was trying to get in touch with Kesha about her demos, she wanted Prince to producer her album (yeah and everyone else), she broke into his house, she was supposed to sing the background vocals on a Paris Hilton song and ended up throwing up in her closet, but it doesn’t mention if she sang the vocals or not, she’s appeared on a whole bunch of songs that are popular, didn’t get paid for “Right Round” and didn’t want to appear in the video for “Right Round” because it wouldn’t mesh with her “image”. I’m sorry, WTF? Appearing in the video for the most popular song on Earff would probably only push the “image” that you are successful in the music industry currently. I’m not going to argue though. 

Enough prelude. “Tik Tok” by Kesha. 

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy 

Already, I am on the same page as Kesha. A little subtext for this ground breaking simile lyric, apparently she lives/lived in a house with a bunch of other young beautiful girls who want to be pop singers as well. So she would wake up every morning to a revolving door of young beautiful model like girls walking around. This is exactly like my life minus the revolving door of hot girls who sing falsetto. Both Kesha and I continue to wake up in the morning and our first thoughts are of Sean John Combs. 


(Hey, what up girl?)
 

Yes?

Put my glasses on, I’m out the door – I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
 

I agree Kesha. You definitely want to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack before you go out because who knows when you’ll get that opportunity to brush them with bourbon later in the day. In all seriousness, I do not brush my teeth with Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whisky. I pretty much always use “water” and “toothpaste”. My question, is the Jack Daniel’s sour mash whisky a substitute for the water, the toothpaste or both the water and the toothpaste? 


I’m talking – pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite cds
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy
 

“Pedicure on our toes, toes”? Miss Obvious, everyone! Give me some credit, Kesha. I know where the pedicure goes. I did take two years of Latin – “ped” means foot and “icure” means Korean woman with a nail file. I don’t try on all my clothes, but I’m pretty familiar with the other four activities. I usually have MEN calling and not “boys” calling me, but both sets of males do want to get us drunk. For her it is to try and date rape her probably, where as for me it is to get us drunk enough to forget our youth is dying everyday and we are becoming bored and complacent with our lives and because sports are much more fun to watch when drunk. Music, parties, getting “tipsy”- sure. 


[CHORUS]
Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
 

I love the “woah-oh oh oh” noise. I find it audibly mesmerizing. As far as “I’mma fight ‘Till we see the sunlight”, uhhh go have fun with that. My fighting days are way behind me. One thing you learn from watching fights all the time is you don’t want to be in one. Especially one that has no referee or judges’ table. Also, for guys fighting has gotten exponentially scarier. It used to be that if you got into a fight with some dude, it was just that – “some dude”. Now it is a purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu who has a background in collegiate wrestling and is starting to take Muay Thai on his “off days”. It used to be the nothing special looking asshole at the bar who winks at your girl was just some cubicle drone and a fight with him was no more intense than a playground scuffle in elementary school. Now, that nothing special asshole is a mini-Chuck Norris and he is going to drop you with a flying knee and then reverse heal hook you until your shin bone snaps in half. So no fighting for me. I’m like Switzerland nowadays at a bar.

[Chorus]
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
 

Uh huh, #4 on the KSWI “A List of Men Over 60 Years Old Women Would F@#K”. I’m a damn prophet. Mick Jagger is 66 and Kesha is 22 and I AM ALWAYS CORRECT! 

A quick “chicken or the egg” quandary: 

Does Kesha “ain’t got a care in the world” because she has “plenty of beer”? Or does Kesha have “plenty of beer” because she “ain’t got a care in the world”? Is her drunkenness causing her to forget her problems? Or does she have no problems because she is always drunk and thus has removed herself of any and all societal obligations being a hobo wino? 

I’m talking about – everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

This seems like a double standard. Kesha clearly wants everybody to get “crunk”. But if a guy gets too “drunk” then she is going to “smack him”. What is it you want, Kesha? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t expect a guy who is getting crunk to not get too drunk and try to touch your junk. That is just common knowledge. 

Also, I am assuming “junk” is referring to her ass. I think it is hopefully safe to say “junk” is referring to “junk in the trunk” and all this means is her supple ass. Or she has a penis. Generally speaking, I don’t think Kesha has a penis. Also I don’t like girls referring to their “situation” as “junk” or their ass as “junk” without using the entire phrase of “junk in the trunk”. I feel like it is more a fault of an unfortunate rhyming sequence where “crunk” and “drunk” worked so perfectly together and for timing’s sake “junk” was used without the “in the trunk”. So just around me at least, refrain from using “junk” to refer to your butt or vagina because it will confuse me into thinking you have a penis. Unless you have a penis then please feel free to refer to your junk as your junk. 

Now, now – we goin’ til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us –
 

This just seems like a hostile ultimatum Kesha and her friends are giving the bar or club owners. Either physically remove a series of young drunk females from the bar yourselves or call the police to do so. Whoever actually does the removal process will be left with scratches regardless of height, age, sex, or authority. Girls scratch. They also will bite and probably pull hair and kick and throw drinks and do anything, but go peacefully. 

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
 

I really don’t want the DJ to literally blow up my speakers. I’m lazy and if you do blow up my speakers it will take forever for me to replace them. I go to work, I go home and there are things I want to accomplish that I push until the weekend, but then I end up drinking or playing video games or watching sports. So leave my speakers alone. Play it loud, sure. But not loud enough that anything will break.

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh 

Plus, why are we using my speakers? If anything the bar or the club should have a stereo system of some sort. If that is not the case then you as the disc jockey should have been prepared with your own audio equipment. How did I get roped into bringing my speakers to this place? Whose asinine idea was it for me to bring my speakers from home to a bar or club? And don’t break them. I must have a lot of faith in you as a DJ to allow you to use my speakers and don’t go dissolving that trust by damaging my speakers. At this point, I am just uncomfortable about the whole idea of you using my speakers for commercial purposes. Just give them back to me.

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You gotta that sound
Yea, you got me
 

Sounds like a Christian revival or something. 

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
Get your hands up
Put your hands up
 

I’ll put my hands up if everyone else does. Deal? I’m not going to be the only one standing there with their hands up looking like an idiot. It will be like giving a standing ovation. If I see a dozen people stand-up then sure I’ll go along with it. I’m not starting the standing ovation though. At best, I’ll do the lean to the edge of my seat move where you clap extra loud in anticipation of the standing ovation. I’m just saying this is my commitment level to putting my hands up.

No, the party don’t start until I walk in 

The party “doesn’t” start until you walk in, sure. I guess I can see that. Kesha is a pretty young blonde who brushes her teeth with a brown 80 proof liquor, has no job or money, is a free spirit, is expecting to fist fight someone(s), has no intention of hooking up with any guys and is fully prepared to be dragged kicking and screaming out of said party by the police. Why did we invite Kesha again?  

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh 
 

Oh right! She does that “Woah-oh oh oh” thing. It sincerely is captivating. Hopefully she blesses us with it one more time.

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh 
 

And she did. So, I feel like I’ve learned a lot and nothing. I’m not sure what conclusion I can draw from these lyrics. It seems like a fairly unhealthy lifestyle Kesha is living. Maybe she has a detox day every week where she takes sea salt baths, drinks only fruit juice mixed with Fiber One, and eats leafy green salads with grilled chicken and a sprits of lemon zest and then goes to bed early after reading another thoughtful and inspiring and homo-erotic section of Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass”. 

Sure, why not? Then the other 6 days of the week she gets retard drunk on cheap booze and cock teases some roided up guidos until a cop drags her out of the club by her hair and throws her into the drunk tank to sleep it off while she pisses herself because she can’t control her bladder from a combination of infections because of her terrible hygiene and her kidneys are shot from filtering whisky 144 hours a week. Aggressive Thursday? 

Leave questions for Friday, please.

Today, I am going to psychoanalyze myself. I think this works best for two reasons: 1. If you want something done right then do it yourself and 2. If I find anything really fucked up in my answers then I can just pretend like I never heard myself say it and bury it deep down inside back where ever it first orignated from because it is just me and me on this. That is unless I post it on a website for anyone to see. DAMN IT! Eh, whatever. I’m from the suburbs – how crazy could I possibly be? It’s not like there is some famous filmmaker named David Lynch who has made a whole career about psychos and their psychotic adventures in the suburbs. DAMN IT!

Before I analyze myself, I heard this song on the radio this morning:

I knew pretty much all the words. I may have gaffed on a couple, but it was all there. That is scarier than anything that will be revealed in these inkblots. Even “scarier” was while looking through youtube, by title recognition alone I knew at least 2 more Real McCoy songs. This was then immediately followed by the epiphany that I know easily three La Bouche songs. Why La Bouche? I wrongly, so wrongly, attributed “Another Night” to La Bouche’s diverse catalogue of singles as well as a whole host of other people. THEY’RE UNIQUE BANDS PEOPLE! GET IT RIGHT!

Hermann Rorschach, born in 1884, was a Swiss Freudian psychiatrist. So if he were alive he’d be turning 126 this year and you all probably wouldn’t want to do him. Neither did the people in his day because in 1921 Hermann tried to publish his much famed nowadays inkblot test in his book Psychodiagnostik and no one cared. Yes, sadly, no one cared for Hermann or his book. He died the following year suddenly from a broken heart. I’m kidding, actually it was from ink poisoning from making all those damn inkblots. I’m kidding he died from a ruptured appendix HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… ahah ehhh hem. Right.

The validity of any results from the Rorschach test are disputed especially now with the proliferation of these images like I’m doing. Either way, my scholarly pursuits in the psychoanalytic field started and ended with Psychology AP in High School. From what I’ve read on Wikipedia, it seems like a lot of the test depends on how the person acts when actually being given the test. Being nervous, rotating the cards, excitement or any emotional reaction to certain cards over others, speed and clarity of answers and all that jazz. For transparency’s sake – I answered quickly on all the cards. I then read a little about each and looked at them again. And I have no intention to try to figure out the “scoring systems” like the Exner system. It is fucking 10am on a Wednesday and this blog is free, so figure out the Exner system yourself. So turn up the Real McCoy and/or La Bouche and let’s delve into our brains(!).

Card 1 

Wolf. My first reaction is most definitely a wolf. I am relying on Wikipedia like most do already for any and all explanations of these cards. It says this card mostly is there to just get the ball rolling. Seeing how the subject attacks the card. Do they ask a lot of questions concerning how they should proceed? Man, people must go crazy while having this experiment done. I could see someone asking “is this the right way to hold the card?” and the doctor is scribbling notes “There is no right way to hold the card”. “What are you writing? Are you writing what I’m saying?” Scribbling more notes “Please tell me what you see in the card.” Nervous shifting voice rising “I’m just saying I’ll tell you what I see if I know which way the card is supposed to go. I minored in Art History at Tufts so I can visualize really well obviously and I just want to know what are you writing. WHAT ARE YOU WRITING!?!” And, of course, it gets much much better from there.

The more I look at the card, I see two Wile E. Coyote heads pressing their faces up against one another or one Wile E. Coyote pressing his face against a mirror or an object with mirror-like capabilities. I think this card proves that I’m a sexy lone wolf out on the hunt with my powerful wolf legs pushing through the artic tundra of humanity. Or I watch a lot of cartoons.

Card 2

Two elephants slapping trunks*. I definitely see elephants. The bust of two elephants giving each other a high five. I think this would be an excellent beer logo. If I started a beer company today, the symbol would most certainly be a bust of two elephants high fiving their trunks. I would buy that beer. Actually, I have bought beer with elephants on it because it in fact had elephants on it. Carlsberg Elephant, anyone? Also, I have bought beer with elk on it too. But if given the choice of elephant beer or elk beer – I would go with elephant beer. Damn it! I have had Tiger beer as well. It is called Tiger and is from Singapore and it has a tiger on it. Elephant or tiger? These are the tough decisions I can not make and it is why I am not President. That and age requirements. And if given the choice between elephant beer or tiger beer I would choose both and drink both and be drunk, which leads little time for my Presidential campaign.

In my head, I believe the color may be a shock to most. Generally speaking, when I think of inkblots I usually think of black, white and shades of gray. This is also how it is usually portrayed in movies and TV. So I think most will be a little surprised to see that there is color on a bunch of these cards. Also, I believe there was a period of time crica 1880 until rougly the morning of December 7th, 1941 when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor that the entire world was in black and white. That’s right. The Great War – World War I – was not in color! At best there were some moments of “sepia”. These inkblots originated in this literally gray area of history, so I was a little surprised at the color and thusly through inductive reasoning every one is surprised with me.

So, what’s the red? The elephants got into a strawberry patch. I don’t know. How the hell am I supposed to know what these two elephants were doing all day? It doesn’t take a psychiatrist (or does it?) to guess if someone sees the “red” as blood then we got some ‘splaining to do.

Card 3

Two fencers shaking hands. But that isn’t “really” what you see, is it Jordan? Nope. I see two duck fencers shaking hands. Damn it cartoons! I see two cartoon-like ducks wearing tuxedos or partial tuxedos (just the collar and bow-tie and cuffs like cartoon animals wear or Chippendale dancers. Remember Chip and Dale? Rescue Rangers? That was an odd name choice for those characters, right? Right, FREUD!?!) They appear to have red gloves and red foils. They are either shaking hands or just have clasped hands. Whichever. They’re ducks fencing in tuxedos so I think the least of all our worries is if they’re shaking hands or holding hands. If ducks learn to dress in formal wear, brandish Olympic or romance novel weapons and present themselves in front of you then there are too many things to worry about besides whether or not they are shaking hands.

Wiki says most people perceive humans. I get that. I could see humans too if my brain wasn’t a thousand times more interesting than everyone elses. Sure. Whatever, everything doesn’t have to be a competition. It also says this is supposed to tell us about how we feel about human interaction. Noted that a slow response time to the card may indicate struggle with social interactions. First, I answered quickly, but I also hate interacting with people socially so YOU’RE WRONG HERMANN RORSCHACH! My brain is just super quick.  My brain is the Usain Bolt of deciphering inkblots! As for interactions, I said they were shaking hands initially, which could mean that I perceive people as friendly on the surface or I am on the surface friendly to people, interesting. But(!) they have a weapon! A sword! Or really a FOIL! So people may be nice up front, but in reality they carry a long thin flexible sword to pierce your heart when least expected. Or I do that to other people or at least I’m prepared to.  OR Or or I believe we are all willing to be friendly, but we’re cynical and poised to strike at anytime if a person gives us provocation.

And when do I receive my honorary diploma of psychology from Harvard?

Card 4

Allon from Bleach. My first thought was of a Japanese anime/manga side character.

Besides the tail, they could be brothers. Or sisters? They look unattractive if they were either sex so they look like they could be related. Or one of them could win a look-a-like contest of the other. Regardless, this does work for the test. This card generally illicits a response about an imposing/threatening male figure of authority. Allon is that. He is bad ass and is tearing through the Vice Captains of the Gotei 13 that is before Captain Commander Yamamoto kills his ass.  

If I forget Allon for a minute, I do see an elephant with tusks/mastodon head. That really doesn’t fall into the mix for Rorschach assessment, but does show my obsession of elephants is far from over. If memory serves correct I wrote a whole post on Hannibal so I could talk about WAR ELEPHANTS! And I talk openly about my belief in an ELEPHANT APOCALYPSE! Also, I love the band “Clutch” and they had an album called Elephant Riders and there were many moments when I considered getting a tattoo about that. I’m just saying I don’t like authority. I especially don’t like male authority or at least being a larger mammal myself I feel like there is a chance that I can take whatever male authority there is in a fight so I’m resistant to male authority. And I love elephants. But I wouldn’t have needed these cards to have told you any of that.

Card 5

Bat. Really? No. A bunny rabbit with wings is more appropriate to what I’m thinking. It is some “thing” with wings though. You’d have to be absolutely nuts to not think this looks like a winged animal or butterfly. It clearly has wings and you would need to be trying your ass off to not picture a winged creature in this inkblot.

This is supposed to be a gimme card. A “change of pace” card to I guess clear one’s thoughts of oppressing male authority and bloody elephants and stick fighting humans and wolves. This is the lemon sherbert card. So if you don’t say “winged” some thing then you’re crazy.

Card 6

This is about the only one I have difficulty with. My initial instinct is to say “ray gun”. Specifically, a ray gun that is in some state of repair because it is split in half. It didn’t take me long to think of that, but I think that is a bullshit answer. I can do better than a ray gun cut in half. Every card could be something cut in half because they have a bilateral symmetry. So I’m not the biggest fan of my initial response.

It says that this is a “sexual card”. Unless “ray gun” is the nickname for my penis then my answer wasn’t all that sexual. Or maybe the fact that my answer was not sexual at all makes it sexual? That’s dumb. I can see the idea of this being vaginally inspired. But that’s not my initial instinct. And I think you are kind of stretching it* saying that it looks like a vagina. The top of the image has a dragonfly look to it. So maybe it is a dragofly that is carrying a vagina? Or a dragonfly that has the largest vagina ever? Or it is a ray gun that when opened up becomes a vagina? That would come in handy – the ray gun not the dragonfly.

I have no idea what any of this says about me besides my imagination is weird.

Card 7

Definitely human. My two immediate thoughts are of basically the same image. First, the Argonath. In Lord of the Rings,  there is the likeness of Isildur and Anarion standing upon either side of the Anduin river. They are carved out of stone and are hundreds of feet tall. Second, in the manga/anime Naruto there is a place called “The Valley of the End”.  This place is where the First Hokage Hashirama Senju and Uchiha Madara fought. To remember the battle two large  stone structurs were built on either side of the waterfall that remains there. These two images which are nearly identical are what I thought of first when looking at this card. I believe that my interpretation of this card means I’M A FUCKING NERD!

Oh my God. Not only is my first first reaction an obscure reference to a fantasy novel/movie trilogy involving ancient kings, elves and orcs, but my second first reaction is an obscure reference to a Japanese weekly comic book about teenage ninjas who can do magic. Fuck My Life. Seriously.

Supposedly, this is a “mother card”. Supposedly, people view this as human and female humans at that. This could show how one relates to their mother or women or feminity in general. Well I guess I don’t relate well because not only did I view this as two men and not women, but these were either two kings or two ninjas and NOTHING is manlier than that. Also, people see the middle as a vagina sometimes. I saw it as air that just so happens to sit between two colossal stone statues of men who basically formed the worlds these stories take place in with their damned hands and swords and fighting prowesseseseses.

The more I look at the card, I guess I can see some feminie qualities in the faces. But again, the feminites that I see are really just images from another Japanese anime/manga called Claymore that has an odd subplot of twins and more disturbing conjoined twins. So … nerd. Fuck.

Card 8

My immediate response was disection. I pictured a fish or a frog being pinned down in biology class and disected. I did a few disections. I didn’t like disecting the worm because it stunk and I hate worms. But all in all, I really enjoyed disecting and I was good at it and I kind of wish I did something along those lines in my life, but didn’t. Anyway boo hoo. The more I look at it the more prominent the pink becomes. The pink on the outside looks very cat like to me like a cougar or mountain lion climbing something. Or if this was a picture taken horizontally, so it is just walking and then the person switched it vertically. So a mirrored image of a big cat walking around on a mirror like object or two big cats climbing up a completely 90 degree angled cliff racing to the top. Even better, two big cats running up a giant fish that for whatever reason is out of the water and somewhat hovering in the air and allowing two big cats to climb up the sides of it.

This is a “change of pace” card yet again. The colors are supposed to be uplifting and help warm the subject who has grown cold answering all these other seemingly vaginal cards. If one has trouble processing complex situations then this card may be difficult. I think what the difficult thing is that the two big cats on either side in pink look so much like big cats that it is hard to not want to add them into your general definition of the card. Maybe it is just me, but they look like they are nearly drawn perfectly to illustrate a quadriped climbing. There are four legs and they are in different strides and pushing and pulling to move its body weight. I’m just thinking about how much I like tigers and such again.

Card 9

My initial response  is it looks like an X-ray or an MRI of a person’s crotch, but upside down. That does not explain the branch or claw like objects that are striking inward at the top in orange. Or maybe it does. Maybe that is why they are getting the MRI or X-Ray done in the first place. Case closed this one is done. Cue up “The Who” Les Moonves because this CSI investigation is OH-VAH! 

Apparently, people have trouble figuring this card out. There is really no popular response except for it looks human. Also there is no “pull” like “mother card” or “sex card” like some of the others so who knows what the hell this card is supposed to tell me.

Fuck this card. Bunch of nonsense. I hate you Hermann Rorschach. Since there is nothing else to speak of concerning this card, I thought it would be a good time to mention that there will be a Jersey Shore inspired porno coming out sooner than later. I’m not too comfortable putting a link to porn on this website so if you type into your URL address bar “www.” and then type in “jerseyshore” then “xxx” followed by “.com” and then press enter or “go”, I’m sure you’ll find it. If not then you’re an idiot. It is going to be so good. My only gripe at this moment is that the guy “Johnny Castle” who seemingly will play the part of “Vinny” is entirely way too jacked. Vinny is no where near in that good of shape. Also, the porn chicks are hotter than the Jersey Shore chicks by a long shot. But that is one of those good problems.

Card 10

And finally the final card! Clearly, this is a screen shot from the movie Little Mermaid during the musical sequence of “Under the Sea”. I’m not sure how this got in here. Must’ve been one of those Wikipedia pranks everyone is pulling nowadays. Supposedly this card is similar to the last two in their complete openness to interpretation and little “pull” in what they are looking for. It is the final card so that finality allows the subject to feel a sense of relief and “sign out” from this process. They can sum up how they are feeling and their experience. So….

Fuck this – I’m watching “Under the Sea” and then going to lunch.

And I’m back with a vendetta… actually I think the caffeine just wore off. I was all psyched like 20 minutes ago to start writing this post, but now I’m tired again. This is going to be a long day. I had a pretty quiet weekend where no one insinuated I was racist or had friends bumming menthol cigarettes off of prostitutes. I mostly just watched football on Saturday and then watched football on Sunday and then hung out Monday. Today’s post will be mostly dedicated to the television that I watched: football, Big Love and 24.

FOOTBALL

First and foremost, the professional tackle football association of America had an exciting albeit one sided weekend. I am pretty much fine with the outcomes of the games because my team the Pittsburgh Steelers are not involved. Right now, the AFC is chugging along and the NFC is fucking wildfire. The weekend games could not be any different from each other.

The AFC’s two games were the Indianapolis Colts vs. the Baltimore Raves and the San Diego Chargers vs. the New York Jets. Colts/Ravens was mildly entertaining. I like Peyton Manning and all, actually it would be more appropriate to say I love the man or I have a myriad of feelings that if all added together would probably equal love. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I was in the cereal aisle, good story so far. I was not planning on buying any cereal, but I needed to use the hot and cold cereal aisle as a gateway to the other side of the super market namely the deli counter. As I skipped down the aisle like I normally do down the cereal aisle full of cartoon characters and bright colors, I saw a familiar, a very familiar face staring back at me: Peyton “The Sheriff” Manning. He is on the cover of the Wheaties Fuel box. Wheaties Fuel is more or less regular Wheaties with maybe a cycle or two of anabolic steroids frosting the flakes. So I bought it. I couldn’t not buy it. I like Garnett and Pujols is cool, the other two bozos I do not know. But it had Peyton Manning on it!

I am a big fan of “The Sheriff” so I’m not bummed to see him win. But as a team, I like the Ravens better. They have Reverend Raymond “The Struggle” Lewis and I most certainly love him. They also have Edward Reed who I have no nickname for because my Cullen/Swan love for that grimy, bearded, national javelin throwing champion, ball hawker is too infinite to simply assign a single nickname for. So, the Colts won fairly easily. A pretty beat up Ravens offense, add two key fumbles (one by Ray Rice and one by Ed Reed) and a surgical Colts offense led to the easy victory. Chargers/Jets is a different story.

I hate the New York Jets. HATE THEM! Always have. Always will. There would need to be a drastic change on their roster to make me like the New York Jets. For me to “like” the New York Jets, they would have to sign the following people in the off season (in no particular order) Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Troy Polamalu, Cal Ripken Jr., Shawn Kemp, Tiger Woods, #1 ranked MMA Heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko, Olympic gold medal gymnast and Dancing with the Stars season 8 winner Shawn Johnson, me (Jordan Newmark) and #37 on the “list of men over 60 years old I believe women would have sex with” Armand Assante. So needless to say I wasn’t psyched the J-E-T-S beat the San Diego Super Chargers. Whatever.

The NFC is the wildest show on Earth. The Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints apparently believe the NFL has a mercy rule. They are actively trying to score 100 points in the first half thinking the second half will just be forfeited to them. Both of these games were blowouts, but they were exciting blowouts. The New Orleans Saints and the Arizona Cardinals started off the game like it was going to be a repeat of the Cards’ game last week with the Packers. Both teams score early and often and it appears we have a shootout on our hands… ummm… the Saints are now up by 2 touchdowns and Kurt Warner just got hit so hard I peed myself a little. What is happening!?! The Cardinals kept it close for like two minutes. Both teams scored 2 touchdowns each and everything seemed even until the Saints doubled them and never looked back. The second half was fairly slow since the Saints were up by quadruple figures and Kurt Warner was playing concussed. Saints in the Thunderdome win their games how I like my commenters: fast and easy…. and a lot of touchdown passes…. and an interception by Darren Sharper?

Meanwhile, modern day Odysseus, Brett Favre, led his Purple People Eaters to a shellacking on the shitty shitty shitty Cowboys. I do not like the Cowboys either. I like the idea of the Cowboys, but the actual Cowboys I hate. I do not root for them ever, but I find them very entertaining. If you watched the game or not, you probably saw the clip of Keith Brooking, linebacker for the ‘boys, yelling at the back of Brett Favre’s head. With 2 minutes left, 4th and 3 on like the 8 yard line, and up 27 – 3 – Brett Favre threw another touchdown pass. Why not? Brooking felt like it was disrespectful and that teams are not supposed to run up the score in the NFL. So far, no one has taken Brooking’s side on this. Mostly because Troy Aikman, who was commentating the game and is the face of the 3 Superbowl winning Cowboy teams, immediately said that if Brooking didn’t like it then he should have stopped it from happening and played defense. I agree.

And it is Brett Favre! All Brett knows is slingin’ it. He doesn’t understand taking knees or handing the ball off. If the ball is in his hands then he is going to sling it. He has not missed an opportunity to do so since George Herbert Walker Bush was in office. I love Brett Favre. I know a lot of people don’t care for how he handles himself in the off season, but that is ridiculous. The man plays football with more passion than anyone does anything else ever. The guy loves football. God’s great mystery to Brett Favre is everything in life outside of football. The man gets football. Other stuff, not so much. But in between those sidelines with a helmet on and wearing the number 4, the man is a damn prophet. Once the season is over, Brett is confused and scared being led by the hand from one Wrangler jeans commercial to another. But during the fall and winter seasons with his massive hands wrapped around the pigskin, Brett Favre is wide eyed with conviction staring into the Sun. And the Sun blinks.

BIG LOVE

That was the musiciest episode ever! And by “musiciest”, I mean there was music in 90% of the episode. It was the strangest thing. I am not sure if it was a different director or what, but there was a “and the music swells” moment in pretty much every scene. A couple scenes it made sense, but most it didn’t. One that stuck out was the scene where Bill and Margene are driving and Bill asks her how much money her jewelry business made the past month. They’re talking. Nothing dramatic is happening. They’re talking and driving. There is music piping in. Dramatic music. I’m not sure why. It’s getting louder. What is happening that I am missing? Is there a guy with a gun in the backseat? She made more money than she expected to and the music is getting LOUDER(!). It is nit picking, but it was not needed.

I really like the new opening for Big Love. I was pretty sick of the old one. When the show first started it was a lot more light hearted. It was mostly quipping back and forth between the wives about typical household stuff. Bill Paxton was showing his ass every episode. You know, just good family fun stuff. So the opening credits being cute and friendly was good because the show was cute and friendly. But the show stopped being cute and friendly in the second season. The introductions of a murderous Mormon gang “The Greenes” certainly made the second season a lot darker. The third season added more murder and violence and heart break and adultery and marriages dissolving and a miscarriage and well not cute and friendly things. So I think the overhaul of the opening credits was much needed. Plus Chloe Sevigny looks like she wants it… bad.

Besides the musiciestness and the new opening credits, I really like the new storyline of Alby being a sexual temptress. Who knew!?! It has been an underlying theme of Alby’s character that he is a creep and he is gay and he is creepy about his gayness. He used to go to public restrooms in the middle of the woods and meet up with guys in the middle of the night for some leather jacket gay sex in the dingy bathroom. This season started out with Alby heading over to the local park and watching men workout through a pair of binoculars. Some random good looking guy sees him, questions him on what he is doing and then gives Alby the “sexy eyes” and walks into some nearby bushes and Alby follows him. Who said being gay was difficult? Sure there is the persecution and for awhile all of them were dying of AIDS, but is that it? You show up to a park in the middle of the day with a pair of binoculars and an attractive guy just walks up to you within a minute of sitting there and says “let’s go fuck in the bushes”? Seriously!?!

Alby did not have to do any of the follow things – sign up for an account on Match or JDate and create a profile that was both informative and sexy, buy new clothes, go to a bar, buy drinks, buy dinner, buy flowers, buy jewelry, go on a series of any sort of dates, pretend to like Twilight and/or romantic comedies in general, be funny, be interesting, give dozens of unwarranted compliments while getting none in return, feign interest in cats, have a job with a viable future, know the person for 10 years and run into them at a party or bar by chance and get them really drunk and concoct a faux history in which you had a crush on them for all these years, create an elaborate web of lies that disarms said person and has them fall in love with this imaginary version of you that may or may not be a race car driver or movie producer, and/or start and maintain a 2000 plus word a day blog about a young Hollywood starlet which by sheer accident becomes mildly popular and for many unknown reasons these readers find whatever idiocy you write to be alluring and attractive so you leave clues telling them who you are and where you live and then you outright just tell them who you are and where you live and this is when you begin to have faith in an all knowing all powerful deity above who you pray to nightly and make sacrifices to that one or some or all of these readers will just track you the fuck down and give you the “sexy eyes” and lead you into a set of bushes.

Anyway, my point is that Alby is now a sexual temptress.

24

Yeah. Oh yeah. I am so glad 24 is on TV again. I and Dawgz (you make the English language what you will) came close to overdosing on 24 on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. We watched Sunday’s 2 hour episode and then went right into watching Monday’s 2 hour episode. FOUR HOURS OF JACK BAUER! Talk about greatest MLK Day ever! This is the 8th season of 24. This show could honestly go on for another 12 and it would be perfectly fine with me. Pretty much every season is the same, Jack Bauer fucks shit up and saves the day.

There are two great misconceptions about 24. #1 – People think they need to have seen the previous seasons or need to watch every episode to keep up with the show. FALSE! You need to do neither. Sure you’ll be confused about a whole litany of things and if you miss an episode you probably will miss a plot point or two, but WHO FUCKING CARES! IT IS JACK BAUER FUCKING DUDES UP! I don’t care about any of the plots from any of the seasons. Frankly, I’m barely paying attention to what people are saying in almost every episode. Politics, homeland security, terrorism, interrogation, constantly moving satellites, cell phones, blue tooth headsets, whatever. I zone out a lot while watching 24. Any scene with Elisha Cuthbert I zone out because I can’t focus on her words because I think she is so hot. But it doesn’t matter because her character never says or does anything that matters. What matters is JACK BAUER FUCKING DUDES UP! And you don’t have to speak English or even have the volume on at all to understand that when Jack Bauer is fucking dudes up that JACK BAUER IS FUCKING DUDES UP!

#2 – “The show has gotten worse.” These people are idiots. The first season of 24 was probably the worst acted and had the lowest production design of all of the seasons. The second season probably was the “best” season as far as acting, storyline, action, bad guy and so forth. But the first season rocked. the third season rocked, and the fourth, and the fifth… Do you know why? Because JACK BAUER FUCKS DUDES UP IN EACH SEASON! If the show was getting progressively worse than this season, the 8th, should be terrible, right? Do you know how Jack Bauer killed his first, of many many many many many many, bad guy? With an axe. A FUCKING AXE! He waited around the corner. The guy comes walking around that corner. He was probably thinking “I wonder where that little spiky blonde Irish guy went with that satchel”. Then he noticed that the fireman’s axe on the wall next to the emergency fire hose was not there. At this point he was thinking “Well that’s odd. I guess this apartment building’s property owner does not do a good job because that is a safety violation not having the proper fire safety equipment available on each floor. I wonder if- AND THEN JACK BAUER ATTACKED HIM IN THE CHEST WITH AN AXE!

Oh man! Jack baseball bat swings the axe blade first into the guy’s chest. This knocks the guy’s partner over the staircase railing where he proceeds to smash his head on every railing for 10 floors. So needless to say the 8th season of 24 rocks. And I have not even mentioned that for whatever reason Freddie Prinze Jr. is on the show this season. The title of this post is in reference to his character’s name “Agent Cole Ortiz”. Not to sound completely cynical, but there is no Hispanic or Latin person on this planet named “Cole Ortiz”. I think they probably had the character’s name as “Cole” and then the producers or the network got together and thoughtthey had too many white people on the show, so they spiced up Freddie’s last name with “Ortiz” to give him a more ethnic flare. I have no facts to back this up, but I’m making that blanket statement that there is no “Cole Ortiz” who walks the Earth. Neptune? Maybe. Earth? No.

24 is pure entertainment. I watch it, Dick Cheney watches it, Troy Aikman watches it, Sarah Vowell watches it. It is a ridiculous show from top to bottom – you have former agents cutting off a guy’s hand, bombs and rocket launchers exploding, guys getting stabbed in the neck with a pen, the Russian Mob, Arab terrorists, a woman President – I mean the show is just pure fantastical fun.

Lastly,

I have to mention one other thing I found disturbing on television: a Microsoft Windows 7 commercial. There are several of them and I guess they are all “disturbing” in their own ways, but the most disturbing one is the guy with the glasses walking around his house talking about the “snap into place” feature if you’re working on two windows at once. In the commercial the guy is walking around his house and we run across his wife near the end of the commercial. It is this couple:

Is anyone else seeing this? This guy is like 2 feet taller than his wife. What the hell is Microsoft trying to say in this commercial? This is not a real couple. They are two actors who they are pretending are a married couple. Someone went out of their way to find a guy who appears to be like 6’5” and a girl who appears to be about 4’10” to be “husband and wife”. I’m trying to learn about the new Windows 7 software, but all I can think of is “that guy must destroy her” or “they must have a step ladder in their bedroom”. Destroy is an ambitious term considering I don’t know what he is packing, but needless to say if they are having sex she cannot be seen. He must envelope her. She is not standing up straight, which is helping no one, but even if standing up straight she doesn’t even come up to his shoulder. And that guy looks tall, but he isn’t Patrick Ewing, seriously who is though. Also by the look of this guy, he is hairy. Lord knows that dude is hairy. Back hairy.

I just feel uncomfortable knowing that Microsoft is making me picture these two in particular having weird height, body mass, and back hair ratio sex together.

I’m just saying she is probably standing on a set of steps used by household pets to get onto and off of a couch and he is hairy and sweaty and three times the size of her and leaning on her and those steps are not meant to be used for those situations, they have a weight, sweat, and body hair limit.

Or he is on top and you can’t see her and it looks like he is making love to the bed.

Or she is on top and it looks like an X-rated fanfiction version of Gulliver’s Travels.

Or he is standing and at first he is holding her up by his waist because her feet are close to 2 feet from touching the ground, but he doesn’t have the muscle tone to hold her there for too long, so they buy a baby bjorn and she just slides into that and then the Devil, El Diablo, comes and takes my soul as well as everyone else’s who found this idea funny.

I sincerely believe in Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I believe it should be a national holiday and this country should shut down because of what he did for this country and because he died to do it. I am not big on holiday traditions. I don’t really have any for any holidays minus present giving on the ones that expect you to do so. But I do believe in the rewarding of holidays and just giving people the day off in some form of reverence for some truly amazing human beings who shared the same nationality as yourself and shaped those countries for the better. For a better that most did not think was possible and if it were not for those people it may have not been possible.

And with that, I am selfish. I am selfish because I love that Martin Luther King Jr. was American. I love this country because of people like him. Most countries have had a figure or several figures that have led the people and challenged authority and have made their countries better places. But I am biased. I am biased because MLK is from the US and I am from the US and there is pride in that. He is one of the reasons why I vote, he is one of the reasons why I have an American flag tattooed on me, he is one of the reasons why I have hope for the always looming future.

If you are at work or not and you have time on your hands to read about him or watch these videos. If you think you know everything about Martin Luther King Jr. because you know “I have a dream” then you don’t. He was a scholar and he spoke and wrote on many subjects. You can find his essays online and videos of speeches. He was a brilliant man and probably the greatest public speaker ever. His dreams may not have been completely realized by any stretch. There is still racism in this country, there is still prejudice in this country and there is not equality in this country. But it is certainly better. It is most certainly better. And how can someone not believe in a holiday to recognize a man who helped make a country better. A country better. He made the United States of America a better place. You cannot ask much more from a person than that. So have a good MLK Day.

No explanation necessary. I think the title says it all. Here is a list of 50 men who are over 60 years old that my friend, Dawgz (pseudonym, not actual name) and I think women would fuck. The list in is no particular order. Maybe a little explanation is necessary to justify why two men in their mid to late 20’s decided to craft a list of men over 60 who they believe a large percentage of women would have sex with.

I have admitted I think Helen Mirren is sexually attractive. She is 39 years older than me. I do not have an older woman fetish by any means. Even with this 39 year age gap between the two of us I will most certainly recognize she is a good looking woman without a second thought. On the other hand, I see women struggling to lay claim to men over 60 who are “doable”. I think this shows a lack of imagination as well as a boat full of lies that they cannot think of a man over 60 they would fuck.

I do not believe this is the definitive list of men over 60 that a significant percentage of women would sleep with. I do think this is a strong list from 1-50. It ranges from actors, musicians, athletes, political figures, writers et cetera. I do think there are plenty of other 60+ year old men that we are not familiar with and missed (Latin/Hispanic men mostly) or men we have misjudged and could be added with a cohesive argument. The number 50 was an arbitrary number to simply show that there are way more than just a couple of senior citizens that women of all ages would get cozy with. So please add to the list.

Lastly, I fully believe that any woman who says she would not have sex with any man on the following list is a liar. She is lying to herself. She is lying to America. And with that, “how old would you go?”. Enjoy.

1. Ted Danson – 62
2. Michael Caine – 76
3. David Bowie – 63
4. Mick Jagger – 66
5. Sidney Portier – 82 (83 in February)
6. Bob Gibson – 74
7. Bill Clinton – 63
8. Bruce Springsteen – 60
9. Robert Redford – 73
10. Richard Gere – 60
11. Walt Frazier – 64
12. Arnold Schwarzenegger – 62
13. Harrison Ford – 67
14. Alan Rickman – 63
15. Paul McCartney – 67 … if at least just to fuck a Beatle instead of Ringo Starr at 69
16. Jim Palmer – 64
17. Samuel L. Jackson – 61
18. Paul Hogan – 70
19. J.D. Salinger – 91 – no one knows what he looks like, so he could be a great looking 91
20. James Caan – 69
21. Warren Beatty – 72
22. Mitt Romney – 62
23. Eric Clapton – 64
24. Dan Rather – 78
25. Julio Iglesias – 66
26. Tom Jones – 69
27. Christopher Walken – 66
28. Richard Roundtree – 67
29. Jesse Jackson – 68
30. Sean Connery – 79
31. Burt Reynolds – 73
32. Steve Martin – 64
33. Jeremy Irons – 61
34. Carl Weathers – 61
35. Billy Dee Williams – 72
36. James Brolin – 69
37. Armand Assante – 60
38. Pat Riley – 64
39. Richard Dean Anderson – 60 in 8 days and counting
40. Donald Sutherland – 74
41. Michael Douglas – 65
42. Timothy Dalton – 65
43. Peter Fonda – 69
44. Jeff Bridges – 60
45. Frank Langella – 72
46. Christopher Plummer – 80
47. Powers Boothe – 61
48. Eric Braeden – 68
49. Tom Selleck – 64
50. Chuck Norris – 69

 

*Honorable Mentions:

Kevin Kline – 62, Tommy Lee Jones – 63, Scott Glenn – 68, Carlton Fisk – 62, Rod Stewart – 65, Robert DeNiro – 66, Martin Sheen – 69, Clint Eastwood – 79, Morgan Freeman – 72,  Jerry Jones – 67. Hugh Hefner – 83

Well, well. It has been quite the week of schizophrenia for me. Monday started off fairly normally with a recap of my weekend and observational humor for the situations I found myself in. Tuesday got a little weird, but typical weird for this site. A conversation between three people who do not really exist except for inside my head: Rabbi Ebenezer Goldstein, Dr. Aladdin Hussain and, of course, KSWI Jordan. They began a discussion on the history of and current Middle East crisis. This discussion was quickly derailed by Ashley Greene’s nude body paint pictures, typical very typical.

Wednesday was a revamped version of Tuesday’s post with the addition of these characters being stoned. They continued to talk openly about Ashley Greene, her body paint, and their willingness to paint Ms. Greene next time with their respective tongues. The topic grew to embrace all sorts of Hispanic women Latin women that the three would like to eat various Hispanic and Latin foods off of their naked bodies. Lastly, the post was marked by the introduction of a fourth character: Dominos Pizza delivery driver, Sancho.

This is where things got a little too weird for the “general public” to handle. On Thursday, our four KSWI hosts shared which older women they would have sex with. It started with the 60 year old Meryl Streep. Others were mentioned like Susan Sarandon and Helen Mirren. Each woman was over 60 years old minus Jeanne Tripplehorn who was more or less used as a foil by Dr. Hussain, Rabbi Goldstein and Sancho to rekindle their list of women over 60 years old they would sleep with. All of this appears to have been too much for America and, maybe, the World. I believe the nail in the coffin was “How Old Would You Go?”

That is why I have decided to take it one enormously old step further. I was expecting the commenters to be more honest than they were or at least more creative. The idea that the oldest men you could think of as a one time sexual partner was George Clooney, Johnny Depp and whatever was bland and boring. There is no creativity in me saying Michelle Pfeiffer. Sure, everyone would have sex with her. That’s just obvious. How old would you really go? So above this post there is a list. If you are one of the readers who reads this literally the second I post then it isn’t there yet, but will be. Nevertheless, most will see a list. The list will be explained in its own post, but there will be a list. This list is 50 men who are all over 60 years old that I believe women would have sex with. Thank you? You’re welcome.

The Questions of the Week

Have you seen Youth in Revolt?

No.

Next question. Just kidding.

I do want to see Youth in Revolt, but between getting called racist, meeting with old friends, seeing a band and football I never made it to a movie theater last weekend. I am planning on seeing it at some point this weekend or sometime soon. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Book of Eli. One main reason is that I’ve seen just about every Denzel Washington movie he’s been in, so why stop now. I’ve heard the movie is “meh” and I’m fine with that. I think it looks pretty bad. Mila Kunis is hot and she is in it. Gary Oldman can be excellent. He is one of my favorite villains of all time in The Professional aka Leon as Norman Stansfield – “Bring me everyone” “Everyone, boss?” “EVVVVERRRRYYYY OOONNNNNEEEEE!!!!”

I read somewhere (IMDB?) that Kristen Stewart was offered the role that Mila Kunis is playing. I also read that they had to change much of the script because Kristen Stewart was not in the movie. Originally, the book was not the “weapon”. The book was a red herring that was cleverly thought up by Denzel. Instead the weapon was Kristen Stewart. That was the big end of the 2nd act twist. Denzel is trying to protect Kristen Stewart because she has the power to create and end life. I’m not referring to getting pregnant and shivving someone. I’m referring to the fact that Kristen Stewart wants it so bad she can not only create high concentrations of Hydrogen atoms (H3) that can lead to the creation of new life like the big bang. Kristen Stewart also wants it so bad she can not only bring atoms together, but she can split them with her want causing nuclear explosions. All of that had to be scrapped and that is why this movie will be sub par.

Can Kristen Stewart’s want weapon be used for neutrality, love or good?

Generally, I associate Kristen Stewart’s want abilities with good. I rarely mention her destroying anything for bad reasons. It was not I who asked if Kristen Stewart could have blown up Japan better than the two atomic bombs that were dropped on that unfortunate tentacle porn loving island. I was only answering the question. I have definitely mentioned Kristen’s wall of fire of want or heat beat of want actually fixing situations like defeating aliens or robots or zombies. The destructive power of Kristen Stewart’s want I believe is similar to the Colt 45 revolver “The Peacemaker”.

I am certain I have also talked plenty that Kristen Stewart can reshape the world as she sees fit (like above) when she really really wants it. So… yeah. I’ve talked about it.

If I was host of The Tonight Show would I interview Jimmy Carr on the first night?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh…. Why?

Nothing against Jimmy Carr… eh, well everything against Jimmy Carr – I would only interview him if I needed to. He’s funny, but the moment of relevance Jimmy Carr had in the US has pretty much completely ended. Jimmy was the host of one game show which I’m forgetting the name of on Comedy Central. I feel like he may have had a second show, but I’m blanking on that as well. He had at least one stand-up specials for Comedy Central. And with all that “knowledge” I have on him, I still needed to look him up on google just to make sure I wasn’t thinking he was someone else. He is pretty funny, but he is utterly and completely pop-culturally irrelevant in the US of A, so I doubt I would interview him the first night. Unless that is apart of the deal. I would interview anyone NBC wanted me to if they gave me The Tonight Show. Also, I’m so much cheaper than Conan or Jay Leno. I know both of them cost millions where as I would cost significantly less than a million dollars to host that show. Think of all the savings!

Who would I interview on my first show? That’s a good question, me. I can say for a fact I would selfishly use the show as a way for me to meet the famous people I want to meet. That being said, Michael Jeffrey Jordan would probably be my first guest. The first episode of The Tonight Show with Jordan would most likely feature this line-up of guests: Michael Jeffrey Jordan, Bo Jackson, Fleetwood Mac and whichever of these women are single or in an “open relationship”: Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson, Bar Rafaeli and too many more to mention.

I could easily imagine an entire episode dedicated to Gina Carano and me shamelessly throwing myself at her the whole time.

I have a lot of ideas for the show as well. I think I could try and reform bands that broke up for one more performance. I could form new super groups to play a random cover song ala Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White playing “The Weight” by The Band for the movie It Might Get Loud. I would also like to do shows completely dedicated to one guest like the Gina Carano idea, but less shameless hitting on. Like an entire episode with the cast of The A-Team movie. We would talk per usual, we would try and complete tasks together as a team, the A-Team from the movie would face off against the remaining members of the A-Team from the television show in some sort of mission and, maybe, they compete against some other teams like The Mod Squad.

There would also be a lot of skits about Kristen Stewart and Peyton Manning, obviously.

Which Big Love wife WOULD you bang first?

I think they are all very attractive, but I would choose Ginnifer Goodwin first and/or Margene first. In real life I would choose Ginnifer Goodwin first and if I somehow I broke into the television alternate universe I would choose Margene. I would eliminate Barb/Jeanne from the equation first because of the age disparity. Sorry. I know she is probably very torn up about that. Second, Chloe Sevigny in real life would be eliminated because of Brown Bunny. Nowadays, Chloe looks fucking great. But I’ve seen her suck Vincent Gallo off and that just ruins it sort of. Why is that so bad? 1. It’s Vincent Gallo – the guy looks like a scumbag, acts like one, anti-semite, seemingly has homophobic issues as well and the worst of the worst is he thinks he is a great artist. 2. Brown Bunny!?! Out of all the piece of shit movies to decide to blow a guy for real for this might be the worst. I have literally seen porn movies with better storylines, acting, and dialogue than Brown Bunny. Oh my God that movie sucks.

Also, I would like to mention this about Brown Bunny. When it first played some festival (Sundance? Cannes?), Roger Ebert saw it. He hated it. This was the correct response. Vincent Gallo is a whiny bitch and he went on and on about how Roger Ebert is an idiot and fat. He targeted the man’s weight. Fat or thin, that movie sucks. Then Roger Ebert saw the movie a second time – Why? What on Earth is there to see a second time? NOTHING HAPPENS! Oh man, I really need to see another 5 minute shot of Vincent Gallo driving on the highway. So he saw a different edited version of the movie and this time Ebert gave it a positive review. I didn’t think Roger Ebert was a fat idiot before he gave Brown Bunny a positive review, but he is now a fat idiot for giving the movie a positive review. Ugh, fuck that movie.

Anyway, Chloe is eliminated because of Brown Bunny. On the show, Nicki is a headache. A big big headache. And that leaves, Ginnifer/Margene. I’m a big fan of Ginnifer and her complete and total innocent looking cherubic smile. She’s also hot. And wants it. Margene seems to have the best personality. And I don’t remember seeing Ginnifer blow any anit-semites on video, so that’s a bonus. That being said if Chloe Sevigny is reading this blog and making a decision on whether or not she should contact me then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME! If a hypothetical situation where I can only choose one in an ideal setting my analytically trained BA in Philosophy brain makes me choose the female who fits into this criteria of best looking, fun and didn’t orally please a known anti-semite in a movie that involved infinitely more sucking than the actual blowjob itself. But I would really like to meet you Chloe. But if it was a choice between only Ginnifer or only Chloe then I’d choose Ginnifer. Again, I’m sure Chloe is real broken up about this.

What do you think Conan is going to do know that he basically was forced out his job?

He’ll probably end up doing another tonight show formatted show. Over the past decade, no one even comes close to Conan O’Brien and his brilliance in the late night game. I love Letterman, but his show did not keep up with the pace and hilarity of Conan’s former 12:30 show. Jon Stewart was amazing this last decade as well. But Jon is only doing a half hour compared to an hour and he only does it 4 times a week. Also, Jon phones in the interviews a lot as well as he handpicks guests more than Conan. Jon can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with an intellectually stimulating author, scientist, reporter and so on. Meanwhile, Conan every night had to make shitty sitcom actors or the cast of Crossing Jordan seem not only funny, but worth the time and effort to watch whatever stupid show or movie they were peddling.

Listen, I don’t know Jason Priestly. I think there may have been confusion over whether I knew him or not, I don’t. I don’t know if in real life Jason could be a very funny man. What I do know is that every time he appeared on Conan’s show last decade (which I would say was over half a dozen times) I laughed until I cried. And I think Conan should get all the credit. I don’t know how you would phrase this to find it on youtube if it even was up there, but Conan did an interview with Jason Priestly where Jason was selling rubber backs for combination locks. Remember the good ole’ Master Lock combination lock, well Jason was selling a rubber grip that went around them so they wouldn’t scratch the locker the lock was on. Terribly dumb idea. Nevertheless, Conan somehow made that story the funniest thing ever. I don’t think Dave, Jon, Stephen, Jay, Jimmy (Kimmel), Craig (Kilborn), Craig (Ferguson), Jimmy (Fallon) and whoever else I’m forgetting would have made that interview that funny.

Lastly,

I saw a mention of Local H in my comments section. First and foremost, the commenter who did mention this is far too young to know Local H. What I mean by that is Local H should have definitely been lost in the shuffle of time. But she did say that Local H plays near her so I guess that explains it. Anyway, I did like Local H and the song “Bound to the Floor”. Just reading that band’s name made me think of another band of that time frame and I leave you with “Super Bon Bon” by Soul Coughing.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I hope you all enjoy the list that is sure to follow sooner than later.

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