Q&A as always

Would you consider classical ballet a sport? Would a person who dances it be considered an athlete?

No. Um, do you “compete” in classical ballet? I think there has to be at least a competition or a way to win to be at least considered a game let alone a sport. If there is competitive routine match-ups like in figure skating then still no. I would definitely marry a figure skater or a the classical ballet female person. I need to be able to root for something in this fantasy though. I need the chick to have a rival for me to antagonize. I would consider them an athlete. That goes for figure skating as well. They are certainly “athletic” and they are in a competition based environment. I would add those together and say they are “athletes”. But not a “sport”. I am very conservative with my definition of what a “sport” is. Football, basketball, baseball, soccer, boxing, MMA, wrestling, tennis et cetera. I would put golf on the list of sports. And I think Tiger Woods solidified that when he started really changing the face of it. He pushed the golfers to be more athletic and I think even more competitive. I feel like there needs to be an element of competiting against a person at the same time for it to be a “sport”. If in figure skating they had them one on one on the ice at the same time trying to pull off tricks and they also got to hip check each other then it would definitely be a sport.

In conclusion – ballet chicks are cool. Sure, why not?

In my ongoing discussion with you all about directors/producers needing to apply an actor’s actual personality to finding them the correct role:

Seriously, this is phenomenal! Actors are not the beginning, middle and end of a movie. The director needs to set the world for them to show off in. The director needs to control the environment to best suit each particular actor to make something great. Actors cannot just be great in whatever. Given the right situation an actor can be unbelievable, but if they are put in shit situations then they will never make anything great. Just look at this personality and charisma that Dolph is showing. Just look at the movie JCVD and how unbelievably amazing Jean Claude Van Damme is in it. He should’ve been nominated for an Oscar he is that good. And seemingly he could do that all the time if given the right situation. Actors are the paint and the paintbrush, but the director is Bob Ross.

Notice all these roles that Mickey Rourke is getting nowadays. He will be good in only a few of them because it is not just a name or an actor that makes the role. Half of these roles they are giving him sound awful. Can Mickey Rourke be great? Sure. He was flat out awe inspiring in The Wrestler. But some of these other movies are garbage and he cannot make them not garbage.

Why are Americans so loud?

Human beings are loud. Human beings make their presence known. Have you not noticed we kind of took over the damn planet. We created pollution, global warming, killing all the animals, and laying concrete on everything. People are loud. All people. Even silent monks are always disturbing the ground raking stones. Stop that raking! I’m trying to sleep over here! Sure you’re not talking, but your stupid wooden sandals are killing my ears.

Is it wrong that I laughed hysterically when he nailed the hooker with the chainsaw from a three flight drop?

That movie is the best. You laugh while watching that movie. You laugh at all of it. “They have a great bathroom to do coke in.”

Why the hell is it so hard to eat chickpeas with a bamboo fork?

I don’t know what that is. A fork made of bamboo seems quite impractical. I have metal forks because metal is made from God’s fingernails. What other things do you own that are unfortunately made out of bamboo?

What is your song list for sexy times?

Song List? That assumes a need for a plural amount of songs. Is it supposed to last for more than one song? This song is like 5 whole minutes!

What will happen to this blog if you get a new yob and have to mork in the mornings instead of writing posts for us to ignore, critique and mock all afternoon?

I ask myself this a lot. And it makes me smile. Awwwww…. JORDAN! You’re so mean. Wah wah.

How did you feel about Kristen Stewart’s BAFTA toes?

I’m fine with them. I have no real foot fetish to begin with. She’s a cute broad this Kristen Stewart, so I’m not going to judge her as a whole just because she isn’t dressing her toes up. Also it is not like her toes are terrible. They just look unpainted to me. I really could care less.

On a scale of 1-John Mayer is a Douchebag, weigh in on Jenny Lumet’s and Robert Pattinson’s use of the word “Negro” in the Details interview. What does Rob mean? That Negroes whisper? That Negroes are deaf? Should someone tell Rob that we are 10 years into a new century in which most of us never thought we’d hear the word “Negro” again?

Yeah, I don’t know what the hell is going on in that interview. I blame Details more than Rob since they were the ones to introduce the word into the conversation. But it does not help the image any that I think Rob is an idiot. I hope whoever did the interview with Rob was fired. Not for racism. But for being an idiot. Seriously? Negro? Come on!

What’s the best gift you ever received?

My car. I’m in the middle of a SNOWICANE and my car made it its bitch. My Nissan Pathfinder rides high over the snow like the bullshit proletariat snow it is. I want to make a bumper sticker in support of trucks and suvs that says – “I ride high” or “I love riding high” and I will make a million dollars off of these.

If a new medicine was developed that would cure arthritis, but cause a fatal reaction in 1% of the people who took it, would you still want it released to the public?

Yes. Yes, definitely. No second thought. I would bet a high, high, high, high percentage of medicine on the market right now all have a 1% and higher percentage of proving fatal. John Stuart Mill and I are going to cure the nation – and some people may die in the process, but no where near as many as we will save.

You discover your wonderful one year old child is, because of a mixup at the hospital, not your. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?

Does this child already show any natural proclivity for any sport? It would really depend on how much time I have spent in the past year making this kid a boxer, field goal kicker, golfer or whatever and how much he/she seems to be accepting of it.

Would you rather be a member of a world championship sports team or be the champion of an individual sport? Which sport would you choose?

Am I a one time champion or am I a multiple champion? If it is one time then I would definitely say professional tackle football. If it is a multiple time champion then it would be Heavyweight Champion of the World in boxing/MMA. There is more history and legacy in team sports for a one time champion. One time champions come and go with little reverence in one-on-one sports. If one is a multiple champion in one-on-one then you are indisputably the greatest human being in that sport for a period of time and that has to be the unquestionable glory zenith.

One of the GREATEST 80’s movies ever – VISION QUEST


Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were a member of the opposite sex?

I have never wished I was a member of the opposite sex. I would say that men have it easier overall. Women definitely have advantages over men in many areas, but men definitely have it “easier” in one regard: they are the driver. If existence was progressing like a traveling car. Men would be the drivers. One day women may end up taking over the wheel, but up until this point – men have been the drivers. The driver needs to stay awake, the driver needs to be responsible, the driver has the most stress in the car, but they are in control while no one else is. If something happens I think most want to be in control, controlling their destiny instead of waiting to see what happens. Controlling one’s own fate whether it leads to riches or ruin is way more appealling than just watching someone else do it for the both of you.

What is your favorite book and why?

Fight Club – obvious. War & Peace – obvious.

What’s the worst injury you have ever had?

I’ve broken both wrists (not at the same time), torn ligaments in my foot, broken knuckles, broken fingers, broken miscellaneous bones in my hand, broken toes, 7 stitches in the back of my head, two broken noses, tore through my thumb and required 20 stitches to fix. Ummmmm… broken heart? Awwwww!

I am a man! Pain is temporary, glory is forever! What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger!

A “hot chick” in a cleavage revealing top or a fitted reproduction vintage Transformers Optimus Prime T-shirt with no cleavage showing?

To look at? Are they equally hot? Cleavage. I need to see the boobs. That robot is just covering up the boobies.

Do you think that orca that killed it’s trainer should be put down?

Nope. You mess with bull, you get the horns.

ELIAS KOTEAS!

Have a great weekend. And join the Facebook group if you haven’t.

Search: “Kristen Stewart wants it”. It’s pretty obvious shit.

Advertisements

Fuck You

Yep, that’s a big ole’ Fuck You. A big one. That finger means fuck you. The f-u-c-k variety. The kind that people type about on web boards, but never do. And that is directed to all of you. The y-o-u of the fuck you is the royal kind. Royal meaning plural and not royal meaning that I think you are aristocrats from some socialist monarchy with wizards and shit.

So, my apology is fuck you.

Oh wait, did Jordan have a bad day yesterday? Let’s gang up and anonymously call him a baby because he didn’t feel like accepting empty compliments. Yeah! Yeah, let’s pat each other on the back while we’re at it. We’re the funniest and he sucks even though he writes a free blog we all read and meet on to discuss nonsense everyday like our menstrual cycles. Boo Jordan.

Fuck you.

You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know what is going on in my life. There could be some bad shit going on in my life. But does that matter to you – NOPE! Not one break for Jordan. “Just keep on typing you monkey” is what you are all saying. Can’t even allow a guy to have a bad day. If I was at a karaoke bar right now, I wouldn’t sing “LoveGame” or any Lady Gaga. I’d end up singing some song about betrayal like StainD’s “Mudshovel”. Just real depressing stuff because that is how you have made me feel right now. I would also sing “Mother” by Danzig and “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money because it is the LAW that you have to sing those songs if given the opportunity.

But I digress…

You don’t know me! You don’t know what shit is weighing on me. Do you know what day yesterday was? Nope you don’t! You didn’t even know of my existence at this point last year. You don’t know what anniversary it was yesterday, February 24th. You don’t know. Do you? DO YOU!?! That’s right. Some bad shit happened to me yesterday last year. MY PET ALLIGATOR DIED LAST YEAR! How do you feel now, you inconsiderate motherfuckers!?!

That’s right! There’s me and Ally the Alligator. February 24th of 2009 was his last day on this Earth. Sure, he is probably off in alligator heaven, but that doesn’t help any with me crying my eyes out here in New Jersey. And while I am remembering the heartache of losing my pet, no my friend, last year – I have these completely crazy women yelling at me via the internet. THANKS A LOT!

I remember when my Dad and I picked up Ally hitchhiking just outside of Asbury Park, New Jersey when I was four. My dad didn’t like hitchhikers, but there was something special about this hitchhiker: HE WAS A FUCKING ALLIGATOR! Ally somehow liberated himself from the swamps of Florida and headed North. Our only guess was he wanted to live in a more liberal forward thinking society, so he chose New Jersey.

We opened up the van doors and he climbed on in. Right from the start, Ally and I were friends. We weren’t sure how old he was, but from that moment on he was right by side… UNTIL LAST YEAR WHEN HE DIED AND YOU FUCKERS WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TIME TO GRIEVE YESTERDAY ABOUT IT! Ally was so smart and caring.

People told us that we couldn’t keep an alligator because it was illegal and because it was ridiculous and because they were backstabbing artists like you, the readers. But we kept him. My family fell in love with Ally and so did our pet dogs. Ally had a special place in all our hearts, but he really had a bond with me. It probably had to do with how I treated Ally. I treated him not as an alligator, but simply as another pet that I loved.

People told me that you couldn’t teach an alligator to do tricks like a dog, but I proved them wrong when I taught Ally to fetch my slippers. Now, I don’t wear slippers, but he seemed to have a natural fondness for footwear and I didn’t mind him alligator slobbering on some slippers that I don’t wear. Oh, but he loved to fetch those slippers. Brought him so much joy.

Do you know what the first step is in teaching an alligator to fetch slippers? Getting it to not DEATH ROLL you every chance it gets. Alligators like to death roll everything.

And as you can see in the picture, Ally did smoke. It was his burden. It was something he must’ve picked up before we got him, but he was addicted. I taught him how to fetch slippers, but I couldn’t teach him how to break that damn nicotine addiction.

Kristen Stewart loved him too.

I’m not even sure how the two of them met because he died before this site was even started. I’m not sure if she owns a time machine or she wants it so bad she can make herself into a time machine. But either way, they became fast friends. And Kristen loves slippers as far as I know.

So, next time you assume you know what is going on in my life – DON’T. My pet alligator’s death’s anniversary could be happening. You know? What is wrong with you people? Ally was honest and only would have treated you with love and respect when he wasn’t trying to death roll you. He tried to death roll almost all strangers. But you just shitted all over his memory.

I hope you are all proud of yourselves.

Now, I’m going to try and not die in the snowicane. That’s right the SNOWICANE!

Snow + Hurricane – Hurri x snow + Ally the Alligator’s death – your inconsiderateness =

SNOWICANE!

And my sternal head is dry, you empty teases! Dry as fuck!

Questions and comments for Friday. If I live or if I even feel like talking to any of you ever again.

Ally the Alligator

? – February 24, 2009

Rest in Peace, buddy.

INT – OFFICE – MORNING

KSWI Jordan is not in the best mood. Dressed in a blue button down shirt with white stripes and gray plaid suit pants, KSWI Jordan is bored, cynical and irritated today. Jordan double-clicks on the completely archaic Internet Explorer 6.0 icon. Jordan types into the URL address – www.google.com. Jordan searches “quizzes”. Jordan finds a lead.

Interesting…

Ok.

Hmmmmmm… choices, so many choices.

Definitely.

And now it begins.

KSWI Jordan: I think it has been well established on this website that I am a big fan of Lady Gaga. Singing “LoveGame” would certainly not be my first choice of songs from Lady Gaga to sing at a karaoke bar, but I would sing it. I would even sing it for free if it was the only Gaga song to be sung, but I would definitely sing it for money. Most outrageous? I guess the “strip poker” game. I hate poker in general, but if I was being paid to play poker outside of whatever I win then I would definitely play it. I don’t think “Girls Gone Wild” wants me to be in a video of theirs or even “Guys Gone Wild”. I feel like I would need a lot more money to do that than the strip poker game because I really don’t want to be associated with such a shit product like “Girls Gone Wild”. It is more the integrity of the product than the idea of being naked in it for money. It just is a completely overrated video series. So, my answer is “Strip Poker”.

Kristen Stewart: Kristen is appearing seemingly nude in the James “Dirty Fingers” Gandolifini movie. Also, Kristen has questionable taste regarding much of her movie choices. I said she would appear in the GGW video.

KSWI Jordan: If this phrase was at mork then it would choice #1 because I don’t run around cursing and talking about eel sex at work. Eel sex, eel sex, eel sex. I did spend at least 2 paragraphs talking about crabs and magical winning vagina infested with them in that same post, which not one person mentioned. I don’t think people ask if I act “this crazy” all that much. I think I’m a pretty entertaining fellow and I think I’m a pretty good drunk, so I picked the last one.

Kristen Stewart: Definitely number 2 – does she always act this crazy? Bitches hatin’ bitches mixed with Kristen’s unique approach to life always wanting it. I have heard many people already just in life say that they think she is crazy. The “offend” one definitely not because Kristen always looks like she wants it so no one thinks she is offending by what they said as much as she completely enthralled by what they say. And the “next party” thing hmmm… maybe. I’m not sold on that either. I think it would depend on the person and party more than anything. Not that I’m beloved in all groups either. But I have had a lot of people just say to me completely unprompted that they think Kristen Stewart is annoying and/or crazy. Those people will rue the day when Kristen ascends to Valhalla on her golden charriot of machine guns and want death beams them all to a continuous loop showing of Shutter Island.

KSWI Jordan: I chose option 2 because I definitely have let a lot more slide in my life than I have done option 3. I have done option 3 though. I have heard rumors about myself and definitely reacted with angry text or voice mails when drunk. I have also just done nothing like option 2 says more often than not. I am no seduction wizard. I find it impossibly ridiculous that any female reads this website and finds it all seductive regardless of whatever nonsense is printed in the comments section every day. Seriously. I am pro keying someone’s car though. Outside of my own. If someone keys my car I will kill them. With my hands, a gun, a trashcan, my keyed car or whatever is the quickest method to their death. My car has dings and dents and broken things on it, but if I caught someone keying my car I would go Marcellus Wallace on their ass and shotgun them in the nuts and call over my murdering crew with blow torches and pliers to go Medieval on that person’s ass.

Kristen Stewart: I picked for Kristen the keying car/seduction angle. I’m not saying she is actively trying to seduce the friend, but she does want it all the time. It could be seen as seduction. As for keying the car? I think Kristen Stewart keys cars all the time when someone messes with her.

I also think she threatens them with homemade shanks. I also feel like the phrase “I’d cut a bitch” has been uttered by Kristen at least bi-weekly since the age of 11.

KSWI Jordan: I would be a bad designated driver. I’m pretty sure the idea of designated driver is they are not supposed to drink more than the person who is not the designated driver, so option 2 is gone. I would also be bad at “shopping days” or “spa treatments”. I hate shopping and I don’t want anyone touching my toes/finger nails. Also, I would ask “What is that? Specifically what is every ingredient in that?” before they tried to lather it on my skin or face or make me eat it – that’s all what she said. That leaves the night out option. I like to drink and I am ok with breaking the law especially when I drink, so I would do that. I’m not sure what “very hot” means, but I could go to a strip club or 8 if that suffices.

Kristen Stewart: I could imagine Kristen would be down for 1 and 3. She obviously likes clothes/fashion and probably been to a few spas in her day. Even though K-Stew is under 21, I’m think designated driver duties are not her fortay. As for the “very hot” night out? Well, I’d imagine K-Stew knows how to party or at least she knows a lot of “straight” guys from the Twilight series who have “straight” guy friends who would be more than willing to go out clubbing with them. And by “straight” with the “quotes” I mean they are not straight with no quotes. Wink wink, nudge nudge, pat pat, grab grab, call call, security security.

KSWI Jordan: I find myself dating zero men. Wah wah. Am I right, ladies? A good man is so hard to find. Typically, I am in bed at a “reasonable” time because I have this thing called “mork” I have to wake up for. And being hungover at “mork” makes it worse. Making “The Hangover” guys look like the Jonas Brothers sounds like an awful lot of effort as well as something an unemployed person might do. I guess the “work hard” “play harder” bullshit is what I have to choose. Even though going to sleep at 11pm on a week night is nothing to shake your head at. Also if you start drinking at 3pm on a weekend then going to sleep at 1am is ridiculous. But I get that they think that is the boring decision. I would really like to see the hours that is kept by whoever wrote this quiz. Unless she is keeping coke whore hours then she needs to respect that one can do a lot of damage and still be asleep by 1am. Whatever lady.

Kristen Stewart: I chose the same option for as well. “Work hard” “play harder”. Whatever the fuck that means. Literally writing that as an option in a quiz or literally being assigned the task to writing quizzes for Cosmo magazine means you have no idea what “work hard” “play harder” even entails. She is some office worker like everyone else. Also, like that is a bad thing. Living the life of Samantha on Sex in the City should not be someone’s goal in life. There are a lot of people who do lead that life and we call them “whores”. Trying to be Paris Hilton at 50 is not pretty.

My result:

Well, I have no idea what any of this means. “R-Rated gesture”? Am I flipping people off or am I making the blow job motion? What is “R-Rated gesture”? As opposed to a “Triple-X” move? What’s that? All I can think of is “R-Rated” being suggesting having sex in the coat room with a strange man and triple X move is not only having sex with that strange man in the coat room, but letting the coat room attendant join in. This profile of “me” is more confusing than the test. I guess the idea is I am the middle ground between prude and slut. Great. My parents will be proud. So will my completely wasted college degree.

Kristen’s result:

Well, Jodi Lipper, it sounds like you want it both ways*. One cannot be a “balls-out badass” and at the same time stop themselves from stirring up trouble. If they did stop themselves then they would probably be in my category of towing the line. Also, I feel like this is a little hypocritical because the test seems like it is more trying to get you to get away from being the “boring one” than stopping you from slutting it up at clubs. “How to Love Like a Hot Chick”? Ugh. First, is Jodi Lipper even qualified to write this?

You know, I guess. She is cute and her friend is ok too. I mean this just seems like it will be more drivel about women getting drunk at night clubs, being bitchy and trying to live their life like a TV show. Maybe I’m being too cynical:

Hmmmm… and maybe I’m not. Ugh, it reads like a “How to Live Your Life Like It Is A Jennifer Anniston Movie”. I hate the phrase “girlfriend to girlfriend advice”. Oh man, that is not going to be good advice. All this “hot chick” stuff. “Hot chick” is code for:

Boobs apparently. Every picture of these two have plunging neck lines.

And learning to love like a hot chick means not to be depressed that taking the advice from these two women will net you a long string of drama filled relationships that never end well.

I don’t know why, but this quiz made me depressed, angry and bitter. I need like a drink or at least a hug from one of these annoying busty terrible advice giving women who have book deals for writing arbitrary shit that has been written a thousand times before. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected any high mindedness from a “bad girl” quiz. But seriously, is that what we’re looking for? Bad girls? I don’t think it takes a scientist to be a “bad girl”.

I guess the easy joke is maybe I’m bitter I’m not a bad enough girl. But even that brings me no joy. We’re all going to die and the word is going to end and girls are going to spend their lives thinking that they want a virginal vampire or some asshat they meet at a club or at least they’ll spend their lives reading about it. Cosmopolitan magazine is making me suicidal. No wonder I don’t subscribe to it.

This makes me smile a little bit. Kristen is even making the director want it like a fiend. No one noticed this yesterday?

Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.

And…

During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight

Best Foreign Film: THE DARK KNIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! IT SHOULD WIN EVERY STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.

If you find yourself wandering around Philadelphia one day, you may find a gas station. If you find a gas station that is painted up like it is the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame then go inside. If you are inside this Rock & Roll Hall of Fame gas station’s mini-mart then make a left and walk towards the back where a sign should read Grilladelphia. If you find yourself in the back left of the mini-mart of a gas station that is painted like the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame then order a cheesesteak. If you are waiting for a cheesesteak standing underneath a sign that says Grilladelphia inside the mini mart of a gas station painted to look like the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania then you have made a series of excellent decisions in your life to lead you to this wonderous moment. At that point, you need to prepare yourself because you are about to get your mind blown with how good this Roll & Roll Hall of Fame gas station mini mart grill cheesesteak is. If you have balls then it might knock your balls off, if you don’t have balls then you may grow balls from eating this cheesesteak. Of course, if you don’t have balls originally and then eat the cheesesteak and grow balls the best course of action is to eat another cheesesteak to knock those new balls off. And go back to living a balls-less life and your stomach will be filled with bread, meat and cheese. True Story.

Last week, I mentiond that I have not been following the Winter Olympics all that much. I still am not following them all that much. I watched a little, a very little, downhill the other day and saw Bode Miller win a gold. Yeah, great. I’m so happy for him. You cannot tell as I type this, but I am typing this very slowly to emphasize how little enthusiasm I really have for this. Go Bode. That took 30 seconds for me to type. The “Go Bode” which took me another 30 seconds. Wooooh. 75 seconds. But fear not, today I will be excited about the Winter Olympics.

Starting tomorrow night (23rd) and continuing on Thursday (25th), the Belles of the Olympic Ball will be on center stage. The center ice stage that is, am I rizzite? The ladies figure skating competition. This is where glamour meets intrigue meets thin, tiny, graceful chicks who are all generally really cute. This is the event of heart breakers. The event that brought us sexpots like Oksana Baiul, Katarina Witt and Tara Lipinski (Philly and Jersey’s own). Yeah, I called Tara Lipinski a pot of sex. Do you know what is romantic/sexy? Warm bubble bath? I guess. Lit candles? Uh, I guess. Rose petals? Uhhhh *shrugs*. Olympic Gold Medal? FUCK YEAH! 

Today, I will give you my own unique glimpse at the 28 international competitors in the ladies figure skating competition. Do you know what Olympics website sucks? The official one. Do you know a good Olympics website? No, they do not exist. I’m guessing that these are in fact the actual 28 ladies who are competing. I have little to no faith if this is correct, but these are the only ladies that appear on the official website under that category. The website has no option to look up who is competing in these events or at least for the ladies figure skating. It just has all the figure skaters in one group and you have to click on each profile to see what particular event they are in. Speaking of, the following statement may be racist: I believe at least 80% of “ice dancers” are hot. That statement wasn’t racist. I said it “may be racist”, it wasn’t. There are some good looking skirts who ice dance. I just wanted to mention that I noticed that.  So, here is my preview of the ladies figure skating the only way I know how. Here weeeeeeeeeezzzzzz go:

Hmmmm… why do their pictures look like mugshots? Sexy, right? For some reason, the Olympics or NBC in all their brilliance took pictures of all the athletes. And when they took those pictures they used the same photo techniques a local police station would use when processing someone for a DUI. These poor poor broads in their tiny bodies and elegant skating skills look like common criminals on this damn website. Common criminals who are usually really cute and have an exotic (read: foreign) sensibility. I will take a guess at what each lady did to land herself a rap sheet.

Akiko looks like she stole something. My heart, am I right!?! Akiko looks innocent, but her big eyes look like they just hypnotize her hands into snatching t-shirts and hiding them in her purse. Alena is underage, so I’ll say underage drinking. But she wasn’t out at a bar. She was joy riding around drunk on something classy like 99 Bananas and got pulled over when she skidded into a stop sign with a cop following her. She’s not a “bad” girl, she just had one reckless night that was built up from living a boring mild mannered life up until that point. Anna, oh beautiful Anna. In my heart and my pants, I believe she is one of those chicks who gets way too drunk at a bar and is caught having lesbian sex in the bathroom and is somehow arrested for that. Seriously, how is that arrest worthy? That is Nobel Peace Prize worthy in my opinion. Anastasia, the more I look at her picture the more I see a faint smile. She’s like the Mona Lisa! And I would guess she stabbed a bitch for “messing” with her man. And I mean her man got drunk and hooked up with a chick who had no idea he had a girlfriend and Anastasia shivved her because of it.

Carolina looks tough. Definitely drunk in public and she committed the crime of “beatin’ up a bitch”. There is not a doubt in my mind that Carolina had a ninja grip on one girl’s hair while throwing haymakers at her all the while bouncers were hoisting her in the air carrying her out of the bar. She also instigated the fight because she said the other girl “thought she was better than me” – typical Italians. Cheltzie? MURDER! Nah, Cheltzie is 16 and from the lovely island of Australia. Since all Australians are criminals by genetics she was arrested for one of the many crimes she has committed by simply being Australian. Whatever Elena did it involved fire. I think Elena is a bit of a closeted pyromaniac. I think her boyfriend cheated on her and she either set his car on fire or all of his clothes or maybe his apartment. Elene is so damn cute. I just want to drink hot chocolate and watch Love Actually with her. I am pretty certain Elene was caught buying/using Adorol so her and the rest of the cheerleaders could stay up all night cramming for midterms and finals.

Isabelle, oh lovely and serious Isabelle. Let me skip to Ivana first. I believe Ivana and her boyfriend figured out a way to sell her baby on Craig’slist. Don’t judge Ivana. She is a pregnant 17 year old girl in Slovakia with no family support and only her recently fired factory worker 25 year old boyfriend to help her. They know they do not have the money to raise a child, so they were going to put it up for adoption, but why just give the kid away without getting something for the effort. And lovely Isabelle was the buyer. She and her husband are having trouble conceiving and are tired of all the doctor visits. Isabelle decided to go onto Belgium’s Craig’slist and found Ivana. It seemed like a perfect idea until those stupid cops showed up. Stupid cops! Jenna? I find Jenna to be attractive. I also think Jenna may be from the movie Avatar. Which means I found some of those blue peoples attractive – true. I think Jenna was apart of some Jawbreaker/Mean Girls style hazing of other hot girls which turned into a conspiracy to commit several crimes ranging from assault to vandalism to grand larceny. Joannie is obviously a stripper. This is not illegal, but she was caught negotiating to do something a little extra than stripping by an undercover cop. A very very very luck undercover cop.

If there is a God, I hope it was Kiira and Anna (from Group 1) who got drunk at a bar together and started hooking up in the bathroom. And hopefully whoever runs this bar has a camera in the women’s bathroom and hopefully they share it with TMZ so everyone on Earth can see it. Ksenia was a casualty of peer pressure and trying to be cool. She is not one of the popular girls in high school, but she would like to be – as we all do/did. She was at the mall with her lame middle tier friends and they ran into the popular girls. The popular girls gave Ksenia an ultimatum, either steal something in excess of $100 at the mall right then and give it to them or Ksenia cannot go to Hillary’s parents’ shore house after the Prom. And everyone who is anyone will be at Hillary’s parents’ shore house after the Prom. Laura and Mao’s crimes are connected. Laura and Mao both belong to a PETA extremist group. Laura helped plan, raise funds, and recruit people to break into the sceince labs at pharmaceutical company facilities and release any animals they are testing on. Mao was one of the foot soliders who was arrested knee deep in ferrets covered in lipstick.

Miki is not a criminal! She is my soulmate! I love her! She is pretty! And we’re going to get married on a mountain! So far everyone else’s pictures look like mug shots yet the enigmatic beauty Miki Ando’s looks like a Ralph Lauren ad for his winter collection. I love you, Miki Ando! Meanwhile, Min was caught selling her perfect test scores and A+ papers to other students. Her crime is being too smart for high school. Mirai is 16 years old. Mirai’s nickname is Dragonfly. Mirai is the most feared international assassin in the world. At 2:30am of February 15th, Miriam was caught by the police publicly urinating and vomitting on the Sullivan’s front lawn. Miriam had been drinking. Miriam had been out on a Valentine’s Day date with her now ex-boyfriend, Rick. Let’s just say, Miriam didn’t take it well when Rick accidentally called her “Leslie”.

Kids are cruel. Rachael Flatt was known by many names – “flat chested”, “flat as a surfboard”, “surfboard”, “flat” which sounds like “Flatt”, but there is a difference. Regardless of the fact that Rachael did grow boobs in her Junior year of High School, she was still heckled by much of the lacrosse team. The night before the “big game”, Rachael purchased a male prostitute for the evening using her savings from her summer job as a YMCA lifeguard. The two of them broke into the team’s locker room and rubbed all the players’ jockstraps on the prostitute’s lice infested crotch thus giving the entire team a debilitating case of crabs. This would have been the perfect crime if it wasn’t for the 10 foot banner Rachael made with markers and glitter that she hung the following day over the front doors of the high school stating “DON’T FUCK WITH RACHAEL FLATT OR YOU’LL GET CRABS!” Unfortunately, Rachael did not realize one could come to the alternate conclusion that Rachael Flatt has crabs and had sex with the entire lacrosse team. From that day on, Rachael Flatt was not “flat chested” anymore, but she did have crabs.

A little sidenote to that story – surprisingly enough fueled by the team unity of having crabs and being furious that little lice were eating at their balls – the lacrosse team went on to beat their storied rivals 13-6. Rachael Flatt’s vagina and the lice that supposedly infested it became lore and seen as good luck. No charges were pressed by the lacrosse team or the high school and in fact she was the Senior Prom Queen. So it worked out in the end.

Sarah Hecken had an illegal whirlwind sexual affair with Western Civilization professor Hans Dokolend. It cost him his marriage, job, and standing in the community. Sarah and Hans moved to some place more liberal like Los Angeles, California where she promptly began to cheat on him with men of greater success and wealth. Hans broken and betrayed moved to upstate New York where he remains lonely, but active in the local government. He doesn’t realize that Joannie Timmons, the 48 year old divorcee and mother of 20 year old twins sophomores at Syracuse, has a gentle and growing love for Hans although she hardly knows him outside of planning the yearly Halloween Haunted house together for the past 2 years.

Sarah, sexy Sarah. She was also involved with Anna and Kiira in the greatest drunken lesbian threesome ever. Sonia was caught keying cars. It was more for attention than anything. She keyed an entire row of cars in broad daylight at the town’s movie theater. Her parents both work full time.

Teodora did not start the fight in which Brittany Nelson’s nose was broken and orbital socket smashed. But she definitely “ended” it. It was ruled that Teodora was not guilty by the jury because she was technically defending herself, but that did not stop Judge Rames from giving a 30 minute lecture on the viciousness of “bitches hatin’ bitches”. Tugba had already been taken in by police earlier in the evening (for being drunk in public and for “vandalism” as she kicked in the door of her boyfriend’s car for flirting with the waitress), when Anna, Kiira and Sarah were put into the same holding cell. They proceeded to give the police officers the greatest show on Earth. No charges were pressed and every member of the police force has a picture of themselves and those four lovely ladies as their Facebook profile picture. The child prodigy, Yan Liu, moved to America at the age of 20 and enrolled in the nearest High School falsifying her birth certificate to read she was 16.  She proceeded to become class valedictorian and received a scholarship from every ivy league university. It was not until Nina Patel’s, Yan’s chief rival for valedictorian and lead oboe in the school orchestra, exhaustive near obsessive detective skills proved Yan’s age was incorrect.

Lastly, Yu-Na Kim was jokingly “arrested” by the Seoul police for being “too cute and sweet to be legal”. It was a funny moment where everyone laughed this preceded the opening of a new ice cream shop in the town where Yu-Na is their spokesmodel. Yu-Na then posed for pictures with the officers giving them all a wink, smile and peace sign pose. Everyone was treated to a complimentary single scoop ice cream cone. Afterwards, everyone went home and watched girls dressed in anime costumes having sex with eels. Come on, it’s Asia! That’s what they do over there!

Did I just make Ladies Figure Skating a billion times more interesting this week or what? You’re welcome, NBC. You fucking pieces of shit! I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO COCO!

Another week. Not many questions this week I see. This means either, I have already covered every question you all were searching for answers to or your brains, smaller than an average man’s, have zero curiosity in unraveling the mysteries of life. I guess we’ll never know. Those are the only two options: small brains with zero curiosity or slightly larger brains that had few questions to start. Fine. If that’s how it has to be.

And again, a call for scolding. Scolding? Is that what this blog is here for? To scold you? I am here to provide laughter. And light. A laughterous light. It shines ever so brightly into the corners of each one’s minds allowing all those crazed treasures hiding in the darkness to be seen. It is a light that erodes the thick mud walls of ignorance and complacency in one’s mind. It is a light that will do some remodeling for the inner workings of your mind. Breaking down drywalls to create a living room with space for a bar instead of a den with a couple closets. It is a light that turns that hallway closet into a second half-bathroom.

But this light is fueled by questions. This light’s amber hue is from feeding its flame with your perfume scented questions. And today, today, today, that flame is at best a marigold yellow. That is your fault. That will weigh on your conscience, not mine. I won’t say I am angry. I am simply disappointed. Maybe I had too much faith in all of you to be able to carry the brunt of one post a week. Maybe it was too much to ask a series of fragile, slow witted, uncreative, bare foot in the kitchen, drooling, lazy eyed, gap toothed, stuttering, baby factory women like yourselves to ask a few questions. I’m just disappointed that’s all.

And, now, I will try to spin more gold from this lifeless hay you have laid at my e-feet with your hands of stubby fingers.

Winter Olympics?

I am anti-Winter Olympics. I’m sorry. Actually, fuck that. I’m not sorry. I’m over the Winter Olympics. More so, fuck NBC. Fuck them for the Winter Olympics. Do we really need half of these events in the Winter Olympics? Snowboarding? All that trick bullshit on snow? Is it just me or are the X-Games on year-fucking- round, so why the hell do we need this shit also in the Winter Olympics? Can I ask more questions? Yes.

I have no feeling for the Winter Olympics right now. I am cynical towards NBC and them shoving this bullshit in our faces and making me miss Community/The Office/Parks and Recreation for two weeks. Notice I did not say 30 Rock because it tends to, um how do you say- BLOW! What the fuck happened to 30 Rock? It was funny. It was very funny. Now not so much. I’m tired of Tina Fey mailing it in every week. BE FUNNY AGAIN! If “Liz Lemon” is going to say the same fucking jokes every week – “I eat weird things” “I’m not attractive” “I’m single and lonely and I make bad decisions” cry cry cry – then kill her character. I’m surprised I haven’t seen something online showing how formulaic 30 Rock has become.

As for the Winter Olympics? I have never been a big Winter Olympics fan because I’m not really into any of the events and I’m not really in love with any of the athletes this year. I don’t ski and I don’t care to watch other people ski. I’m not saying people shouldn’t ski or shouldn’t get awarded for it, but don’t expect me to care. Unless I was dating one of these hot downhill skiers or snowboarders who graced Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition this year then I just don’t care. I won’t lie. That is a tepid dream of mine to date/marry a female professional athlete.

I think it would be amazing. In a relationship one has to spend time doing things or being interested in things that the other person is into, right? Let’s say I marry or date Ana Ivanovic. So, I would get to just cheer from the sidelines at every major tennis event all year and be considered the greatest husband/boyfriend ever? Fucking amazing. I would love to be that over zealous sideline cheerer/backseat driver coach. COME ON, ANA! HIT HER WITH THE BACK HAND! FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR SERVE! SHE ISN’T DEFENDING THE NET AT ALL! LISTEN TO YOUR COACH GUSTAF! THAT’S WHY WE PAY HIM THE BIG MONEY! COME ON, BABY! And then she hits a winner – YEAH, FUCK YEAH! THAT’S MY WIFE! YEAH, THAT’S MY GIRL THERE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOH! I LOVE THE FRENCH OPEN!

And when she is out training to be a professional athlete all the time, I can play videogames and write and practice my shit talking. On the subject of my love for female tennis players, I would choose Serena over Venus. And *cough-Simona Halep-cough* *cough-I love her and her…. – cough*. I feel like a professional athlete wife would need a lot of emotional support and I feel like I could do that very well as evidence on this blog. I’m a natural booster when need be.

If there are any female professional athletes or soon to be female professional athletes in the amateur ranks interested and reading this blog, I have to give you fair warning I will pick fights with any and all rivals’ husbands/boyfriends. That will happen. What if I’m married to Natalie Gubis, OH GOD LET ME BE SOON!, and she is playing in some big LPGA event. Natalie is playing or warming up or whatever it is that she does. I am at the country club’s bar with the VIPs, husbands/boyfriends, family and coaches. Let’s say I have had 5 Makers Mark and diet Cokes and an order of mozzarella sticks and it is noon. Maybe Lorena Ochoa’s fiancée Andres has had one too many cervesas tambien. Maybe I think I hear him say something like, “That was a bullshit call on 15. Gulbis’ ball was out of bounds. They should have marked it as such.” Now, I just want you to be aware that this may happen:

First – I would calmly take my 6th Makers Mark and diet Coke and throw it against the far wall as hard as I possibly can.

Second – I would approach Lorena Ochoa’s fiancée and politely ask, “What the fuck did you say? What the fuck did you say, Andres? WHAT THE FUCK, ANDRES!?! Did I hear you say something about the call on 15? DID I HEAR YOU!?! DID I HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CALL ON 15!?!”

Third – I would assess the situation. How many men are with Andres? Are there any beer bottles or glasses within reach for me to use as weapons? How nuts am I going to get?

Fourth – I punt Andres in the testicles as fucking hard as I can. I would then snatch every bottle or glass within arm’s reach and smash them over any attackers’ head. All the while screaming “THAT’S MY WIFE! THAT’S MY WIFE!”

I’m just saying I would fight for you, especially you Natalie Gulbis.

How many ponies make up a fleet, exactly?

At least four. A “fleet” needs to at some point recreate a Blue Angels flying formation. I think the four Blue Angels in the diamond is the least number intensive formation the ponies could be in. But preferably more ponies so they can do the flying V.

Are you saying that all pilots lead a double life?

Yes.

I was rooting for the bear the whole time. I wanted to see the backup plan, for when/if the trained bear decided not to follow the script. What are they going to do at that point, send a ninja army in there to pull the bear off Willie?

Back-up plan? BACK-UP PLAN? First and foremost, Willie Williams needs NO BACK-UP PLAN! Secondly, this documentary takes place in the middle of a grass field in Japan in 1976 – there is no back-up plan. If somehow Willie Williams was killed – they would burn the videotape and bury his body in the woods or let the bear just eat him. That’s the “back-up plan”.

If you wrote an original movie containing the fine acting chops of both The Want, and The Lesser, Blonder, Want-In-Training (aka Dakota Fanning), what would the plot be?

I thought about this a lot ie my drive to work. I’m not entirely sure about Dakota. I was thinking more along the lines of Kristen because Dakota’s career is doing pretty well. If I was in control of Kristen’s career – FIRST – I would put a ton of my resources in getting her into the movie Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I have never read Pride and Prejudice nor have I seen the movie nor have I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. But I love the idea for it. Plus Natalie Portman is the lead and David O. Russell is directing. Great things. I think Kristen needs to be in some comedies. Sarcastic films. Movies where her character actually has some fucking energy and so do the other characters. Not all this mellow dramatic melancholy bullshit. Characters that don’t just lie around and lament life. She’s had an entire career of that already and she’s 20.

I am a big believer in destroying whatever image the world has of you and starting over, so I would choose and think of roles that she has not done. That wouldn’t be too hard because as mentioned her roles currently have a lifeless element to them. Ugh life is so hard. Ugh it is so long and depressing. Ugh I wish someone would just do everything for me because I cannot help myself. Ugh.

COME ON! COME ON KRISTEN! We all know you listen to the Kings of Leon. No one who listens to the Kings of Leon is lacking energy. Listen to one of their dozen songs that sound exactly the same and try and stop yourself from singing along. You don’t need to know the lyrics at all. Just grunt yell along and you’ll blend in with the harmonies.

I did mention Dakota and Kristen making a Bonnie & Clyde movie. It would be more Thelma & Louise with a lot more energy than down home Southerness. She’s an attractive, successful, 20 year old, white girl – Those things have all the energy. Adventureland should have been good, but it sucked in comparison to what it could have been. She was young and supposedly “out of control”, right? Drinking! Why didn’t she have a scene where she gets wild and drunk instead of like sappy old WWII Vet drunk who drinks himself to sleep in a reclining chair?

What other thespian luminaries would you want to be in this potential powerhouse of modern cinema?

I think they need to pair Kristen Stewart up with someone who has energy as well. Not necessarily as the love interest. Every movie she is in doesn’t need a sappy love story involving her lethargic self. Put her in a film with Jim Carrey. She works for him and they get on crazy adventures together. Maybe she is his assistant and she is up tight. Maybe he is up tight as well. Maybe he finds out he is going to die and has no one to share his final days with, so he forces Kristen Stewart to get nuts with him and live life. That is formulaic, but it would be a beacon of shining gold light on her current sleeping until 4pm lazy gray filmography she has now.

For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?

No. If it is forever then no. I may love this person “deeply”, but who says they are going to really replace what my friends provide me with. I need to be able to talk the lunacy I talk with them and not just over the phone and email. Also, anyone who would want to more or less break the relationships between myself and my friends/family would begin to be judged in a different way in my head and not a good way.

I’m saying no. I’ve never “loved” anyone “deeply”, so I’m not sure, but I would find it hard to believe they could replace all my friendships.

Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?

Can I bring weapons? I’m not sure what weapons would hurt a “ghost” or “evil spirit”, but I would be willing to bring enough weapons to find out. I don’t know how much I believe in ghosts or evil spirits. What I do believe in is my imagination and its ability to make myself freaked the fuck out. One night I could deal with. There are working lights, right? I would probably just contain myself to one room and at all times be holding a gun while other guns were also within reach as well as samurai swords and Molotov cocktails.

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I would regret not accomplishing any of my goals I have in life. I don’t know if there is anyone that I do know that I really regret not having told them something. Outside of asking out girls I should have asked out just for the hell of it at least, but outside of that I can’t really think of anything. Why didn’t I ask them out or tell them I liked them? Nerves. Typical bullshit. Worried about facing rejection. Regular stuff. I don’t think I hold any great secrets like that that need to be told to anyone.

President Barack Obama (PBO) – Jordan, you are the most remarkable person I have ever met. You dying will be the greatest loss this world has known since the untimely deaths of Martin Luther King, Jr., Len Bias, The Beatles’ John Lennon, Metallica’s Cliff Burton, and actor Heath Ledger because we all know now how much we would love to have seen The Joker in this upcoming Batman sequel. It is time for your final message to this world, what do you have to say?

Jordan (J) – I have a message for… *cough* *cough* *cough*

PBO – For who? Your family?

J – No.

PBO – Your friends?

J – No.

PBO – For the future generations?

J – No! You are the worst guesser.

PBO – Jeez. You don’t have to be a dick about it. What is your message then?

J – It is to all the women of this world… who I think are hot. To the hot women who were before my time and to the ones in the future. I think you are all hot and would have liked to have seen you naked or at the very least in a body paint bikini. It also would have been great to have gotten lap dances from you all individually and maybe some of you in pairs. I’m just saying – I think you all are hot in the most genuine way and not in some weird creepy fetish like I want to watch you pee way. You know, just you being hot was good for me. The face, the body, the butt, the breasts, legs and so forth. Yeah, that’s really all I can think of saying.

PBO – That’s beautiful.

J – Are you crying?

PBO – Tears of joy and tears of sorrow.

If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why not?

Yes, I would want to experience perfect happiness. Even if I couldn’t remember it afterwards. For one year I would be in “perfect happiness”. In that year I would know it and would be loving. I’m not doing what I’m currently doing so that when I’m 60 I’ll remember it. I’m doing it because it is fun now. I get that I wouldn’t be able to reflect on it later in life, but really that is a small price to pay. We’re going to lose our minds most likely when we get old anyway.

What would your first act as President be?

Orgy in the Lincoln bedroom probably.

My first political act? I’m not sure, but I would spend my first month in office in meetings. Beginning to end of every day in meetings. I would definitely do informal one-on-one meetings with each Senator. Each one would get one hour. Not all in the Oval office. Maybe some are walking around the White House. Maybe some are in the kitchen. Some could be at a sporting event. Where ever they are I would get inside their heads. I would start the mental games early and often. Trying to win over a “party” is not going to be easy. People find strength inside a mob. But if they are alone they can be broken. If they are alone I can make a connection with them or instill fear in them. And once they are under my bidding then I do what I want. When midterm elections happen, I will bring in that new batch of Senators and do the same thing.

Also, I would reunite the 1992 Olympic gold medal winning United States of America’s Men’s Basketball team also known as The Dream Team and take a million photos with them.

Also, all Cascada’s songs would be the theme song for the first year of my Presidency. And Kingdom Hearts was the bomb.

Also, I would hold a regular gala with whoever is the “30 hottest under 30” stars. I would claim it would be to encourage the youth to be active in politics, but it would be to hit on chicks like Taylor Swift and try to talk her into one of the Lincoln bedroom orgies.

Oh yeah – nationalize healthcare, raise minimum wage, defeat terrorism, fix the economy, fix the banks, handle the mortgage crisis, deal with immigration, clean the environment, solve all religious and moral problems, legalize and tax weed and, most importantly, make the United States of America’s national soccer team kick ass and at least win a Bronze in the World Cup.

Have a great weekend.

%d bloggers like this: