What If Kristen Stewart’s “Want” Was On Lost? – Dos

February 4, 2010

Yesterday was a long and unfulfilling day. There was apparently a glitch in my WordPress account that I dealt with most of the day. The glitch erased any comments as they were posted, so I couldn’t see them. Not to sound selfish, did anyone comment yesterday? WordPress assures me this will be handled today. So, if everyone could just summarize their comments from yesterday. That is if there were any. There weren’t really any on Tuesday, so there could’ve been none yesterday. I’m just curious if anyone is out there…

I guess I should just start the post…

PSYCH!!!

AHAH – Jokes. Whew, that was a good one. I saw all the comments. But now I’m fully expecting the same enthusiasm for today’s post which is the second half of yesterday’s post. So you kind of screwed yourselves* on that one.

Where did I leave off yesterday?

Oh, right. Kristen Stewart, aka Iliana, is having a bikini wrestling match slash cuddle fest with Kate aka Evangeline Lily. Who wins this graphic dry humping session on the beach? The human race. If there was a real fight, “The Butch” Kate Austin would win. I can’t imagine Kristen has much of a height and/or reach advantage on Kate. Also, I have a feeling Kate knows how to throw a much better punch than Kristen. Probably because she is so butch.

Why are they fighting again? Besides how sexy awesome it would be – Kate is not happy with Kristen and her frequent hooking up on the island. Just to recap: Kristen Stewart and her infinite want are on the second plane in the Lost series. She is seated next to Sayid, replacing the original Iliana, when the plane crashes.

Once on the island, Kristen’s want is too powerful for Jack to contain himself and he begins courting her with kisses. The softest and most gentle kisses a drunk divorcee doctor with a death wish can give. Later, Kristen is wandering along the beach and gets swept off into the current, most likely because she weighs such an infinitesmial amount that she was dragged in from the ocean’s gravity. This is when Sawyer, who may or may not have crabs, jumps into the water and saves her from drowning. To thank Sawyer, they hook up on the beach. Meanwhile, Kate has watched all this hooking up that Kristen is doing and it makes her furious. The two fight on the beach in bikinis to prove who the true alpha-“she”male is. That is a very unfortunate choice of words. Uh, they fight and roll around because bitches hatin’ bitches. 

So what happens to Kristen Stewart next?

Depression.

“Dramatic” Kristen Stewart is what happens. Kristen and her want were in a plane crash. She hooked up with her pseudo-tribal leader, Jack. She hooked up with the pseudo-tribal bad boy, Sawyer. She has an unexplainable and unrelenting itching sensation down below – if you remember from yesterday. And the one chick on the island, Kate, she thought she could get along with picked a fight with her. Where does Kristen Stewart turn?

Kristen begins to walk the island by herself in a state of despair. Either “despair” or she really wants the ground. One or the other, but I’ll stick with despair for the storyline. Kristen is in search for a new tribe. A tribe that she has not hooked up with half of the top decision makers. A tribe that might have a cure for common sexually transmitted pubic lice. A tribe that can ascribe purpose to Kristen Stewart’s want being on this island. And that is when Kristen meets Ben.

Ahhhh yes! Arguably the best character on Lost is the incomparable, Benjamin Linus.

Ben has been everything from savior to destroyer on Lost and back again. Season after season of Ben as a main character still has taught us little of his motives. Is his end game for the good of the Losties or for their demise? We don’t know. One minute, he is helping and the next minute he is hurting. He is an incredibly complex character who is battling not only with his inner demons from the consequences of his actions, but he has some ambition that seems to continually be unfettered even with  every thing that has happened.

Are we happy that Kristen meets Ben? Are we scared to death that Kristen meets Ben? Probably more the latter than the former.

Ben is a resourceful fellow and he takes care of Kristen. Ben is probably lonely and misses his daughter. He provides her water, food and shelter. The two are in search for something, Kristen doesn’t know what nor do the viewers. Kristen follows Ben like a lost puppy. Kristen questions what Ben is looking for and he gives vague and sarcastic answers. Nevertheless, Kristen is comfortable and happy to be with Ben. He is determined taking her through the jungles of the island. They visit the Dharma station “The Staff” which is the medical station. Ben finds some medicine to cure Kristen’s “situation” and she is in his debt for that.

Ben and Kristen travel from Dharma station to Dharm station. From one side of the island to the next. From temple to temple. From one weird ass crashed boat to the weird ass crashed plane. After days of circumnavigating the Lost island, Ben has a breakdown.

Ben screams into the night in frustration. He yells to the Heavens to “show him a sign!” He continues to bellow into the nothingness as Kristen watches on. Kristen is scared and worried. Ben has given up. He is broken. Ben feels disowned and rejected by the island and the Gods. He collapses in exhaustion.

Kristen with tears in her eyes doesn’t know what to do. Her guide has reached the end of his sanity. Whatever purpose they seemed to have walking around the island appears to be over. Ben has succumbed to a near coma like slumber. Kristen does what she does best, she curls up into a ball in a hole in the woods and waits for death… or a mystical one hundred year old virgin vampire posing as a high school student to save her.

Kristen’s eyes are about to close… She feels a hand on her shoulder

It’s Charlotte! Back from the dead. Which would be surprising if it weren’t for the fact that no one really “dies” on Lost. So it is suprising to see a dead person, but not too surprising. It’s about as surprising as going to a bar in your hometown and running into someone you went to high school with. That’s about as surprising as being awoken by a dead person on Lost. At some point, it’s just like STAY DEAD. I’m tired of saying goodbye because I know I’m just going to see you again.

Anyway, it’s Charlotte from beyond the grave. Charlotte tells Kristen she knows where Ben and her need to go. They need to visit the one man who can truly utilize Kristen’s natural and nutured talents on the island. The one man left who knows  how to save the island and all the Losties. And that man is the enigmatic Richard Alpert.

“What does he need with my talents?” Kristen asks. “You’ll have to ask him and find out for yourself,” Charlotte responds with her cute accent. “He will know what to do with your ‘want’.”

Kristen is excited and happy about this revelation. Charlotte is excited by Kristen’s excitement. So the two of them kiss and play with each other’s hair. Typical girl stuff. Just what every two or more good looking girls do when there is a lull in a conversation. They just start making out or if there are pillows around they have a pillow fight which turns into making out. It’s just science.

After all the kissing, Charlotte walks off mysteriously into the darkness from whence she came*. Kristen gets dressed, since she was kissing and stuff she took her clothes off, and wakes up Ben. Kristen explains to Ben that they need to see Richard. At first, Ben is against the idea. But Kristen tells him that his request for a sign worked and how she was visited by Charlotte. Ben is all ears. Kristen tells Ben what Charlotte said –

KS – Richard will know how to use my ‘want’ to save the island. That’s what she said.

BL – I guess it is worth a shot. Did she tell you where he was?

KS – Yes, he is at the pyramid temple.

 BL – Great. We will set out when the sun starts to rise. Did she say anything else?

KS – No.

BL – Nothing? What happened after Charlotte told you about Richard?

KS – Nothing.

BL – Nothing? She told you to go to Richard and then she just evaportaed? What happened?

KS – Well…

BL – Well? Well what?

KS – Well, I was excited about going to see Richard and she was excited also. So we kissed.

BL – You kissed!?! You two just kissed once and she disap-

KS – Well, not once. We kind of got undressed and made out and “stuff”. I don’t know. It just seemed to happen. I just want it so bad all the time that I end up kissing girls. Dakota Fanning-

BL – WHAT!?! You kissed Dakota Fanning!?!

KS – Yeah. It was really innocent. Her lips-

BL – STOP! Stop right now before I get arrested for just being apart of this conversation! Man, this is all so much information to process right after waking up. Receiving guidance from dead people, having to go see Richard, you making out with Charlotte five feet from me. I would have loved to have seen that. Why didn’t you wake me up?

KS – Ewww gross. You’re like 60.

BL – I’m not 60! And even if I was, I’ll have you know there are some attractive men over the age of 60 who you would be lucky to sleep with. #1 Ted Danson, #2 David Bowie, #3…

This argument continues between Kristen and Ben until they find Richard at the temple.

Richard Alpert takes Kristen Stewart aside for a confidential conversation. Richard is more or less an advisor on the island for people who take leadership roles on the island. Richard is one of, if not the only, character who seems to understand what is going on on the island. He has had contact with both Jacob and his counterpart the man in the black shirt. Richard explains to Kristen that the island and all the inhabitants of the island are in grave danger.

The man in the black shirt is also the horrible smoke monster that kills without mercy. There has been an unbalance on the island as the man in the black shirt tricked Ben into killing Jacob. Now the people on the island should be very afraid of the man in the black shirt because he may kill them all in his smoke monster form. But Richard has a plan.

Kristen Stewart’s want will kill the smoke monster.

Richard explains that the man in the black shirt is pure evil and his evil power is as the smoke monster. Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart is pure good and her want power will eviscerate the evil power. Kristen is scared, but for some reason she trusts Richard and his black eyeliner. 

Kristen Stewart declares, “I will kill the smoke monster with my want.”

Richard is happy to hear this because the man in the black shirt is right outside the temple.

The man in the black shirt greets Kristen. He knows why she is here. They are here to kill each other. Who is the most powerful – the smoke monster or the want?

“Prepare yourself Kristen! Enter your battle form!”

And, in front of Kristen’s own green eyes, the man in the black shirt transforms into the most horrific killing machine in the Lost universe:

THE SMOKE MONSTER

Hmmm… it is a lot more scary on the show. It is loud and makes all these mechanical noises. It kind of sounds like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park mixed with the sounds of metal chains. It also just kills people pretty relentlessly. It does just kind of look like a puff of smoke in this picture. Trust me though it kind of ruins shit when it gets going*. Anyway, it’s a smoke monster.

And Kristen Stewart prepares her own battle transformation:

THE WANT

OH MY GOD IT IS GLORIOUS! THIS TRULY WILL BE A BATTLE OF THE TITANS!

THE WANT VS. THE SMOKE MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHH

aaaaaaaaAAAAhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

……
…..
….

..

YES! YES! YES!

They’re all saved by Kristen Stewart and her want! The war is over! The reign of the smoke monster is over! They can live in peace! I can stop using exclamation point marks!….

Kristen and Ben celebrate the victory with hugs and “I knew you could do it”. They walk back to the pyramid and are met by a surprise – Elizabeth Mitchell

Kristen Stewart’s want explosion has brought everyone back from the dead and transported them to the pyramid alive! One of those people is Elizabeth Mitchell’s character Juliette. She is now alive and looking smoking hot as always, like in the above photo and in this photo –

To thank Kristen Stewart for bringing her back from the dead, Elizabeth Mitchell and Kristen frolick and so forth on the beach and probably kiss. And strangely enough, all the other hot chicks on Lost who are now alive again like Maggie Grace have similar ideas on how to thank Kristen Stewart.

And that’s about it. Everyone is alive and safe on the island. All the girls are having fun with each other. The smoke monster is dead.

So, take my ideas and run with them Lindelof and Cuse. The final season of Lost needs Kristen Stewart, her want, tons more girls just being girls et cetera. I’m sure we can work out some form of payment at a later date, just make this happen.

And – questions for Friday.

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48 Responses to “What If Kristen Stewart’s “Want” Was On Lost? – Dos”

  1. campbelld said

    Tons more girls just being girls. That’s it. Screw this shit. Forget the polar bears, ninja others, smoke monster, electromagnetic pulse weapons, shifting dimensions, Locke, the enourmous percentage of the population that are murderers, I dont care.
    I want to go to the Island.
    I’ll be back later.

  2. UnoriginalScreenName said

    I dont watch Lost. Yes, I know I’m one of 6 people in the world that doesnt watch it. The other 5 being the bushmen in Africa who dont have TVs. Either way, this post made me laugh, as always. I was laughing hysterically with the whole Kristen’s Want v. the smoke. That was just classic.

    On a side note (and a late one at that), if Greg Oden were good looking, you could put him on the list of men over 60 women would want to fuck. There is just no way that boy is in his 20s. If he’s in his 20s, then I havent been conceived yet.

    And one more thing, the Greg Oden naked pics post was your funniest one to date. So much so, I read it twice.

  3. tiffanized said

    I would let Sawyer give me crabs. I have no problem with this, since crabs are curable and Sawyer is hot. Other curable STDs would be negotiable; non-curable STDs are out of the question. Sawyer + herpes = I’d rather have sex with Terry Quinn (who, by the way, was once on an episode of Matlock).

    I don’t watch Lost, and the more people talk about it, the less likely I am to watch it. I have more important things to do, like spending hours of my life outside in the snow and mud trying to convince a pug to pee, only to bring him inside and have him whiz on the carpet. Oh God, how my life is now consumed with the urinary habits of this damned animal! Wasn’t there a dog on Lost? Did he pee in a designated area, or would he only pee in a tent or whatever they lived in? Did he die? The fate/housebreaking of this dog is the only interesting thing about Lost for me right now.

    Kristen Stewart could have her own Lost spinoff, only it would be called Want, and it would be a prequel so we don’t have to deal with any of the Lost crap. I see a CSI-like intro, only the Who song used would be “Magic Bus” at the part about a minute and a half in where Daltrey sings “I want it” over and over again. Each week Kristen and her team of rogue ex-cops would use her want to solve crimes. This I would watch. Which actors do you think should star as her crime fighting entourage? I mean, besides Mr. T, obviously.

    • MLF said

      you are a genius. Want. Somebody needs to make that happen. Again- I would turn my TV on and hook up cable and everything if Want was on.

      although I disagree about the curable STD’s thing. Pass. Pass in general on STD’s, curable or not. Nobody is THAT hot. Well ok that’s a lie. But in my opinion Sawyer isn’t.

  4. Not even a thank you? Just an antagonistic “I expect the same thing thing today and it’s your own fault, bitches.” I would say that I won’t stand for such atrocities, such blatant lack of manners, but… here I am commenting.

    There are certain truths in this world that cannot be denied: puppies are adorable, Kristen Stewart wants IT, Benjamin Linus is the best character on Lost, you’re a manipulative bastard with mad guilt tripping skillz, I don’t have a dick, and Kate Austen isn’t butch.

    By shouting at you like this, I’m probably doing exactly what you expected… But I bet you didn’t expect VISUAL AIDS! (do me a favor and pretend like the dramatic chipmunk music is playing in the background – dun dun dunnnn!) See, I can play in Paint too, Jordan. I suspect that this one visual masterpiece should clear up most of your confusion. You’ll note I even went so far as to use an elegant font to reinforce the fact that Kate isn’t butch. Print it, laminate it, hang it up in your cubicle or put it in your wallet… whatever. If you still refuse to listen to me, try asking yourself the following: Do you want to see Kristen Stewart bikini wrestling with our “butch” friend or our “badass” friend? That’s what I thought.

    You’re welcome. My work here is done. I’m going to go catch up with my girl coworker friend until we get bored and resort to heavy petting.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Stereotypically, lesbian couples are respectively labeled either “femme” or “butch” – not “femme” or “badass”.

      • You’re absolutely right. And do you know why? Because “butch” and “badass” aren’t interchangeable. If there was an option to be the “badass” lesbian in a relationship, I’d be more inclined to swing that way. Like if some ridiculously hot femme lesbian chick (HFLC) approached me, I’m pretty sure this is how it would all go down:

        HFLC – I’m really desperate for a badass lesbian partner that is willing to shoot guns and kick ass, and then make out with me at the end of the day. Maybe we’ll try using that strap-on I got as a joke last Christmas. I don’t know; I’m just laying it all on the line and letting you know now that I’m open to experimenting. If I told you I want this badass lesbian partner to be you, what would you say?

        HB – Well… Guns seem pretty cool, you’re hot, and the only thing I’ve got going for me at this point is some dude chatting me up on Facebook who I’m pretty sure would have sent me a minimum of two virtual roofies by now if they were an option under the ‘Gifts’ section… so really I have nothing to lose, right? But does this mean I need to cut off all my hair, and wear knee-length jean shorts, Teva’s, and a fanny pack? Because I’m not sure I can do that…

        HFLC – No, that’s a ‘butch’ lesbian. I’m looking for a ‘badass’ lesbian. You can totally continue wearing make-up, dresses and heels in your spare time when you’re not killing bad guys and pwning everything in general. You know Kate on Lost? She’s a good example of a badass.

        HB – Oh good, we’re on the same page then. Done. When can I touch your boobs? Also, I know of this blogger who might be interested in pictures of us kissing… what are your thoughts on sharing those pictures with him? By the way, this is me telling you I want pictures of us kissing.

        HFLC – I’m cool with pictures, but I don’t know about sharing them. Rumor has it he doesn’t know the difference between ‘butch’ and ‘badass’, and that’s an important distinction to make in our world where hot lesbian makeout sessions happen on the reg…

        HB – It’s true… but I’m slowly walking him through being able to make that distinction. If he gets there, maybe you’ll consider it?

        HFLC – Fair enough. But you know how stubborn he is; after all, you’re the one who saved and uploaded that Paint masterpiece as “she_isnt_butch_you_stubborn_bastard.jpg”. So you may need to agree to disagree.

        HB – Ok. So no girl-on-girl kissing pictures unless he folds to our indisputable logic. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. We’re already so good at making compromises!

        And then we’d live happily ever after in our femme/badass lesbian partnership, leaving you to decide whether you want pictures of us making out or not. Your move, Jordan.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Oh wait … what do I have here? It’s a transcript. I always have my personal stenographer with me at all times to record all my conversations and then I can post them at a later date for situations just like this. This is a transcript from a conversation I had with HFLC recently. I’ll just cut & paste after all the graphic sex.

        HFLC – Oh my God, that was such great graphic sex.

        KSWIJ – I know.

        HFLC – I can’t believe I did all that in front of your personal stenographer.

        KSWIJ – You’ll get used to it. It does come in handy for the stenographer to be here just in case something important is said during the throws of wild animal like sex and we can’t remember it because our brains are nearly whiped clean from the ecstasy of the sex.

        HFLC – Also, as a lesbian I never thought I would be so hot for a guy. I guess this is how Heath Ledger felt in Brokeback Mountain. He wasn’t attracted to other men beside Jake Gyllenhaul. I’m not attracted to any other men besides you.

        KSWIJ – I have a feeling someone will try to misinterpret what you’re saying, but it will be a stretch and they will fail to remember I didn’t say it.

        HFLC – That happens to you a lot.

        KSWIJ – So anyway, I read you an HB are going out.

        HFLC – I love New Jersey, she is energetic, she is funny, she drinks, which is good because she doesn’t judge me for my drinking, she’s really nice, and her microwaveable pork is to die for.

        KSWIJ – That’s cool. She seems nice. Does she ever mention me?

        HFLC – All the time! The only thing she talks more about than you is her hatred for the Jews. It’s incredible. She loves you and hates the Jews with equal passion. It’s an amazing marriage of ideas – just like Mary Matalin and James Carville.

        KSWIJ – You know, they hate fuck each other.

        HFLC – I could imagine that. I don’t want to imagine that, but I could.

        KSWIJ – Hmmmm… do you want to have more sex?

        HFLC – DO I EVER!

        This has nothing to do with “butch” or “badass”. This was all to show you I had real sex with your imaginary lesbian lover.

      • Zees84 said

        can.not.breathe.

      • Zees84 said

        motherfuck! that was a comment on Jordan’s masterpiece. Let the comments get wonky…..ah now!

      • cledbo said

        Doesn’t everyone love a wonky comments section?*

      • MLF said

        Ditto. I was already out of breath before I caught up on all of the comments but now I really need my inhaler. Also I am literally crying with laughter and my roomates really think I’m sad now. They don’t understand the hilarity that is this blog.

        I don’t think they would understand the Want either. Or the whole wives thing. I tried to explain that polygamy really does work in certain situations…yeah. They think I’m nuts. It was awkward.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Oh shit. This was good. I thought your Lost post was good today, but you just trumped yourself. And I was like, “Hey wait a minute, is he talking about sex with the lesbian?” Glad you cleared that up.

      • susanelle said

        Awww!

        I forget — what is the reason HB and Jordan are not dating right now?

        They are fucking made for each other and by “fucking” I mean “absolutely.”

      • Zees84 said

        KSWIJ => HFLC ===> HB = KSWIJ # HB

        Translation for all you non-math majors:
        Jordan peened The Lesbian who, in turn, gigantic strap-onned HB. Thus, somehow, despite having never met, Jordan octothorped HB.

        Though I like to think she showed him a thing or two when she took his virginity.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Because Jordan thinks it’s hi-fucking-larious to use comment scatter mode.

        “Though I like to think she showed him a thing or two when she took his virginity.”

        BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

      • cledbo said

        I wish all math was like that.

        Maths is pure, but we are most definitely not.

      • THAT FUCKING WHORE. I switched sides for her, and she thanks me by sleeping around! The least you both could’ve done was invite me to join in. I think I’ve proved myself to be pretty adventurous. You could’ve had a threesome, Jordan. Imagine the shit your stenographer could’ve recorded then.

        She promised me she wouldn’t tell anyone how much I talked about you. IS NOTHING SACRED? Also, I never said I hate the Jews. I said I hate Jujubes. Apparently switching sides wasn’t even worth all the trouble because she listens as well as a typical man.

        Whatever. I guess I’ll just go register for some online dating site using all that nice stuff “HFLC” said about me for my profile. Next time you fuck my imaginary lesbian lover, at least have the decency to give us the gory details about how good the sex was.

        And Susanelle, we’re not dating because HE FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND. What he seems to have forgotten is that he slept with the wrong lesbian – I’m the one with the guns, remember?

      • Zees84 said

        Without question, I want to make out with you right now, HB. In a “I-don’t-really-mean-make-out-because-I-am-straighter-than-straight-and-by-that-I-mean-I-like-dick-and-not-pussy-but-you-made-me-laugh-so-hard-on-a-terribly-stressful-and-shitty-day-that-I-want-to-show-my-appreciation-and-since-I-can’t-use-MS-Paint-like-you-can-I-had-to-offer-something-good kinda way.

      • Zees84 said

        also, HB:

        “Oral sex is a bj, fyi.”

        Omg, Twitter Joke!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Thanks for the MS – Paint picture though

    • susanelle said

      shit — is it lesbian to wear knee-length jeans shorts????

      • MLF said

        I don’t know but if it is I’m a lesbian

      • susanelle said

        See — it worries me! Am I naively wearing clothes that give lesbians the wrong idea? I don’t want to lead them on! It’s bad enough for them that I look like Oksana Bayou.

      • MLF said

        well actually I think it depends on how tight the shorts are. If they are fitted like jeans but just chopped off at the knee then I think that’s normal…if they are lose a la the jorts the wolfpack wears then yeah that’s kind of lesbianish. Or just mom-ish.

      • Bermuda shorts are knee-length and adorable. You’re in the clear if you’re wearing jean bermuda shorts. If, however, you could be mistaken for the guy on the right from the neck down… then you should be concerned.

  5. susanelle said

    Great battle scene!!

  6. Here’s a question for you: on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I terrify you? Because sometimes I scare myself at like an 12.

    Also, any advice on getting myself a life so that I don’t spend sizable amounts of time leaving the world’s most absurd comments on a blog?

    Also also, the gradually zoomed in pictures in today’s post were one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

    Also also also, my apologies that I seem to be the only one paying attention to your post at this time.* That’s no fun for anyone.

    • MLF said

      I hate to break it to you, but you scare me at about a zero. On the otherhand you make me laugh at about a twenty so there’s always that.

  7. Lala said

    “I’m expecting more comments”? Really?! Not even a Thanks? That was mean.
    Anyway, I like your storyline for Lost better than the real one. Sure, there were way too many girls kissing, but apart from that it seems really cool.
    I don’t have any questions right now. I had in the begining of the week but my memory has been crappy lately. Next time I’ll write it down so that I can ask on Thursday.

  8. MLF said

    I would watch Lost if that was the story line. That makes perfect sense, whereas whatever is going on in the real storyline does not. Also, remind me again why you are not writing TV shows for a living? or books which we haven’t gotten any chapters from lately? *coughcough*

    I have absolutely zero questions right now. My mind is completely blank. almost. there is the usual fluff and dust bunnies floating around in my brain but other than that things are pretty quiet.

    how about….what movie role do you want to see Kstew play next?

    What does Kristen write about in her diary?
    Actually I don’t really care what she writes about I just want you to write me an example because I think it would be hilarious. Maybe in Randy’s voice like before.

    and also what should I make for dinner tonight?

    and how do you get blood out of a carpet? I could probably google that but you asked for questions.

    uuuuhhhh that’s it.

  9. Forgetful Lucy said

    Ok, this is my comment to say I enjoyed your post today. You’re funny. I would have liked to see some “Actionlines!” though.

    I’ll be back later with very important questions.

  10. Forgetful Lucy said

    I was totally kidding about this-

    “Because Jordan thinks it’s hi-fucking-larious to use comment scatter mode.”

    It’s just so weird how it seems to happen whenever you come to play in the comments section, which we like and makes it more fun. So I guess comment scatter isn’t so bad after all.

  11. cledbo said

    “What can I say?”

    You’re brilliant. You’re all completely nuts, and brilliant.

    I’m far too humbled by the retina-melting hilarity of this post and comments so far to really contribute anything other than a slack jawed gawk, and maybe an 80s style slow handclap.

    I second Lucy’s vote that the only thing that could have made to Want vs Smoke Monster battle sequence better would have been Action Lines. Because they make everything better.

    I have a question. Would you ever actually want The Want, or someone close to her like her mum or bff or Dakota Fanning, to find and read ths place? Or would you die of first-hand embarrassment?
    Obviously we all love and adore KSWIJ our amor chinchilla, but we’re all mad as cut snakes so we get along quite well.

  12. cledbo said

    Ooo, ooo I have a question!

    I have absolutely zero life, and also very little motivation to actually start writing this long and complicated data analysis project sitting metaphorically on my ass, so I’ve been backtracking KSWI entries.

    What I want to know is:
    What language were you learning last summer when you didn’t post for almost a month?
    (admittedly before I was reading, but I’m interested now – that counts for something doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?!?!)

    General question for common-taters (hah, mainly to prove that you read my comments – mmmm vanity): what language other than English do you spaketh? Pig-latin may or may not count, depending on how quickly you can do it*.

    • MLF said

      I can understand nearly any language when I’m really high, does that count? Although usually when that happens I cannot speak any…or actually speak at all. Like, even English.

    • I speak some German. Not much, but enough to have a conversation with a 4 yr old. Or enough to get the gist of the comment that was left on the Rorschach post earlier today.

      Unlike others, alcohol does not improve my ability to speak a foreign language. I just end up speaking a hybrid of German and English which I lovingly call Gernglish. It’s just as well… it’s not like German’s sexy or anything.

    • Zees84 said

      Spanish and Hebrew. Fo realz.

    • cledbo said

      I feel justified replying to my own comment now. You know, not that I’m a show-off or anything.

      I speak Japanese, and can also do a passable impression of a REALLY HIGH PITCHED SQUEALING JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRL KAWAII DESU YO NEEEEE?!?!?! It’s fun.

      I understand some French, German, Spanish and Italian, but only insofar as English is the Ronnie Biggs of languages.

    • Lala said

      I speak speak English and Portuguese. I understand Spanish but can only answer in Portunish (Portuguese + Spanish), which is not difficult at all: put Yo before any verb and there you go.

  13. Zees84 said

    Full disclosure: I stopped reading the post after PSYCH!

  14. Forgetful Lucy said

    Questions-

    Do guys notice a girl’s shoes out at a bar/club? Does it really make a difference?

    My brother insists I need to wear eff me/stripper heels with my tight ass jeans when I go out. I say my modest black heeled boots are good enough and guys don’t even notice or remember what kind of shoes I’m wearing anyway. I told him I would consult “the blog” for the answer. We are not counting dudes with a freaky shoe fetish who notice every woman’s shoes.

    This is very vital for my future because shoe shopping is not an easy or enjoyable experience for me. I’m a tall girl, I also have huge feet. It’s quite possible you and I could share shoes. My dad is 6’1″, we wear the same size sneakers. True story. Help me, Kay Swidge; you’re my only hope.

    Also, Have you gotten your Reese’s Peanut Butter Hearts yet? No chocolate crumbs. Limited time only.

  15. Crystal said

    I can’t believe they call that thing a smoke monster. That’s not even scary.

    I’m glad the Want won. All is right with the world.

  16. aneira said

    i think ive OD (ODed? odeed??) on want. kristens want that is. i have literally wanted to pass out by how much this girl wants it. and i love her for have a bathing suit that has weed on the nipples.
    she is my idol.

  17. mohsen rostambakhsh said

    dear

    with manny respect and regards

    im american artist ..free lance photographer and exprimental film maker .bbc world project my conceptual art in 2001 .which was skelet+blood …
    unfortunatley my father is iranian and im in iran ..

    i want know can you let me for send my cd of art work to you or i cant ..please help ..

    a lot of my art work are in this site

    http://community.webshots.com/user/M_ROSTAMBAKHSH

    ivgot american blood /and my name in iranian passport is mohsen rostambakhsh …

  18. i need to your help …I HAVE INCLUDE A PART OF MY ART WORK AND MY PROPOSAL FOR EXHIBITION IS ONE COCEPTUAL ART (WHENCE )

    WHICH I HAVE INCLUDE A STORY OF IT ,AND BBC WORLD PROJECTED IT IN 2001 ..ALTHOUGHT THIS PROJECT IS NOT SAME WITH
    LAST ..I HOPE YOU CAN ACCEPTE IT ,AS YOU SEE INSTALL IT ..IS FANTASTIC AND IS NOT HARD AND DONT NEED TO BIG SPACE ..

    ONLY ONE CHAIR IS ENOGHT ..AND THAT STORY IS

    skeleton

    once upon a time,without knowing why and how ,a creature found himself existing.as he was walking along,he got tired and decided to die .

    once he was told :you are immortal but there is one way and only one way for you to pass a way by changing to a nine months and nine days old infant!!

    he was not to lerant enough to wait for nine months and nine days so he decided to start watching art history pictures!!

    and now that we are at the time of death of creature ,he seems to be a skeleton ,sitting on a chair ,being injected marcel duchamps blood to his bones and

    watching pictures of history of art .

    and so even i can project my art work which i have include it on that skelet ..if you are agree ..and if you are not agree …as you know its philosophy about art and art history ..

    specialy its my view of modern art …

  19. david said

    this art work is by sir mohsen rostambakhsh ,which is american artist in tehran .he is impressing of rorschach mind and as you can see this art work are of rorschach test …i hope can understand this art work ..and if you dont know psychology you cant understand ..this great mind ..and let me introduce this artist ..which have american blood ..and he is like mr president obama .which his father was muslim but his mother was christian ..then any body cant tell more thing about sir mohsen rostambakhsh ..and i heard builshit of a lot wrong minds about this man ..but we know terrorists want catch u.s …and from now we know all true …and let me call sir mohsen rostambakhsh as a john ..because i prefer think which he is christian ..and as i belive to christ ..i hope he is christian too ..but we know he cant declare about his faith in iran ..bnecause iranian wanted kill him …and iranian communist made accident for kill him ..so we must support this man ..which is great tragedy for us …..then every body use a gun for protect this sweet american ..which is kidnapped by iranian ..and even we cant trust to his family ..and specialy a lot stupid uncle of this person ..who are they ..we cant trust to terrorist …only that man …..then project all art work by sir mohsen rostambakhsh …which his way is special ……..so hurry up .

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